Home Life Is Better When My Wife’s Away . . .

[@melissab3217]

I hate to say it, but the happiest time in my childhood was when my emotionally combustible father was working in another city. Only then did I get to be a carefree kid and have quality time with my mother.

[@jackytinker9083]

I'm saying this for my sister's children. He was a truck driver. When he was on the road my sister and her children had one kind of life. When he came home he wanted to rule the roost. Very hard on the kids especially when teenagers.

[@Veracityseeker7]

Yep I relate. I loved it when my mom was gone on business or even just out running errands. Being away from family was the only peace I ever had.

[@biolife3274]

This was my whole reality. Life was good when my dad was gone. And he was happier when he was away at work.

[@kyleanuar9090]

​@@Veracityseeker71:20

[@user_abcxyzz]

​@jackytinker9083 kids need discipline not just mothers coddling

[@indiaandrews6996]

My narcissist mother went away for two weeks and the entire house settled down. She came home and walked around the house with her purse hanging from her arm. She looked for anything that wasn’t put away of dusted enough, or a spot that hadn’t been vacuumed properly so that she could launch into a tirade of verbal abuse. When I heard the caller was worried about having the house clean enough when his wife arrived home, I thought about my mom. I feel for him and his children. When I reached my teens I would sarcastically respond, “Welcome home mom. How was your trip home?” You know. Saying the things she should have said instead of marching around like an inspector or a jailhouse guard.

[@Veracityseeker7]

Sounds like we had a very similar mom. As far as in looking for things to complain about. I'm convinced that it is part of a personality disorder.

[@mfawls9624]

My wife does it. It allows her to focus on the faults of others. It fuels her resentments and justifies her actions/entitlements.

[@NickM_FirstofHisName]

I remember once when my Mom spent several days at the hospital, and I was feeling relieved. Well taken care of, and safe. I felt happy that she wasn't there. I was 7and a half

[@RHathemoment]

​​@@NickM_FirstofHisNameWow..💔 I'm so sorry.💔Xxx.

[@SweetUniverse]

Same here. The best time my dad and I ever had was when my mother was in the hospital for two weeks. Our life was so easy going & happy, and my dad was a neatnik, so we still were cleaning a lot. Her constant criticism was gone.

[@user-kp6we9qw7i]

As a person who was raised in a home similar to your current situation, I’m telling you the truth when I say that your kids know and they feel what is happening in their home. Your kids likely feel more anxious when their mom is at home and are walking on eggshells & looking forward to her leaving again. I remember how peaceful my home felt when my dad was out of town. When he was gone, I was calmer and much more relaxed. Your kids deserve to grow up in an environment that is peaceful. I remember begging my mom to divorce my dad. She never did. If you’re both not willing to repair your marriage don’t keep your kids in a bad situation simply because it will be easier on you.

[@intentionalparenting2605]

Easier said than done. However, you are understood. Everyone has different childhood trauma to some degree. I’m sure everyone is doing there best otherwise, life would be better.

[@nolabae]

I so agree. I wish more parents would stop holding on for the kids, it's torture.

[@talyahr3302]

I'm sure he'd agree he's just scared he can't guarantee that he'd even get 100% custody, especially with him being a man. But he's got to try. Even if he gets half custody, he can still continue to go to court until he wins full custody. However, I'd hope she let's him take the kids. Especially since she doesn't want to be there and is always traveling.

[@talyahr3302]

I'm sure he'd agree he's just scared he can't guarantee that he'd even get 100% custody, especially with him being a man. But he's got to try. Even if he gets half custody, he can still continue to go to court until he wins full custody. However, I'd hope she let's him take the kids. Especially since she doesn't want to be there and is always traveling.

[@trippinggauntlet4520]

Have to agree, my parents were toxic together, I used to hide in a cupboard to try and escape the atmosphere. They finally parted when I was 16, I have struggled all my life with the insecurities they caused.

[@signalfire15]

My mom was like this. Every time she would pull in the driveway, my heart would drop.

[@Mo-n564]

I feel you I know the feeling

[@belarte7063]

Wow 😢..when my Mom would come home everyone was lined up for her to take care of us me , dog ,cat etc... But when father come home everyone was afraid

[@kimyoung3484]

😪

[@MegaTeeruk]

My mom was the same way. We dreaded weekends because she would always come into our room and start emptying our drawers on the floor and yell at us about everything being a mess.

[@Byblakecamille]

I know that feeling. My mom would come home and it’s like “ah damn here comes the storm.” She is going to find something to be angry about lol.

[@jermainebennett7473]

She’s definitely checked out. However, she doesn’t want to be the bad guy for leaving. So she’s gonna keep pressing you, until she make you leave her. Now she can say you filed the divorce

[@jaypos444]

EEEE…YUP!

[@republicunited2183]

Many moms get checked out easily because they have so much on their plate. You get tired, fed up, etc., esp if your other half isn't pulling their weight.

[@banderson5676]

She's checked out because she's having an affair, most likely.

[@JaqoBlaque]

✅✅✅ 💯💯💯 ✅✅✅

[@lyricsoftheart]

@@republicunited2183true for someone else but the example he gave that she enforces rules and complains about others not doing it and she does it. We are dealing with someone who isn’t happy and she’s taking it out on everyone else.

[@heatherjackson3890]

My mother was horrible and cheated on my dad. He was afraid to leave because she would get us and he wouldn't be able to protect us. He felt on some level he deserved to be in that situation. All of my siblings have struggled with obesity and horrible marriages. I also struggle with weight and connecting with partners. This stuff has lasting impacts on the kids even if you stay.

[@bulldogmicro4279]

Don't blame childhood on being obese. Just another excuse to not take care of yourself...

[@Mel-zv1gf]

@@bulldogmicro4279 I’m sorry but I just had to say that I think that is a very rude thing to say on a comment such as this. This poor woman is talking about a traumatic childhood and you focus on her weight? She is providing the reason why they all struggle with obesity. Eating food to cope with emotional struggles is something many people struggle with.

[@ChrisD755]

@@Mel-zv1gfAgree.

[@BagznBirdz]

@@bulldogmicro4279 if you have to comment, stick to things you know. Right now you're talking outta yer arse. A traumatic childhood is the expressway to eating disorders. When your environment is chaotic you try to regulate it with something - when you're a kid, drugs or drinking aren't an option so many turn to food.

[@charliedeegan1598]

​@bulldogmicro4279 Yuck. The way you talk about people is disgusting. Even your other comments are full of judgements about women's "value" You're absolutely vile.

[@RachelledelaRosa]

Ppl are so quick to call adultery, I was married to a diagnosed narcissist and they weren’t having an affair when they were acting the way the wife in this situation does

[@thaneros]

Yeah its the comment sections first response.

[@RachelledelaRosa]

@@thaneros yup they treat it like Jerry springer lol

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@RachelledelaRosa A big sign she may be cheating is the fact that she’s accusing her husband of “well you’re just gonna leave.” It’s almost like she’s projecting that on him while she’s In the middle of an affair to gaslight him. I think it’s one of the biggest reason Dr. John asked as soon as he heard that statement! Obviously we don’t know for sure that she’s having an affair but it does sound like something is off in that house!

[@Dansyoung]

I’ll explain how we know - experience.

[@rivkaruthgolan]

Narcissists cheat unless they are in a cerebral phase.

[@AS-gf5jn]

To be alone while you're married has got to be tough. Prayers man.

[@scottlaux6934]

I get it. I was married for a long two years. It's the only time in my life when I felt alone.

[@Ssssssmmmmmmmmm]

I felt this way married to my ex. He worked away and I was in school full time with a toddler and it was hard but every time he came home my anxiety went through the roof. He would be super critical, controlling, cold and would yell. I felt alone and would cry. My mother made us feel this way too.

[@SherryONeill]

It Is But There Is A Way To Get Ok With It And Have Joy 😊

[@Cafeallday222]

@@Ssssssmmmmmmmmmyou got away! Your mother paved the way for that behaviour to be acceptable… 💔 my dad did the same to me, I just started seeing red flags I used to miss and I’m almost 40

[@RGR_Gaming10X]

I'm married with 2 kids and have never felt so lonely.

[@JerubbaalgodSlayer]

I love that this man is trying to protect his kids…

[@srodriguez9269]

That “it’s being done to them right now” was like a punch in the gut to so many people I’m sure. As a 31 year old woman I instantly went back to that 8 year old that felt all the negative energy my very “godly” parents exuded for years. I’m 31 now, they’re still together and I still feel this way.

[@appalachianoperator]

Can you describe what you mean by "godly" and how that has negatively affected you?

[@mileseals4838]

Sometimes marriages go through that but it's good they still choose each other. You're probably still holding on to that childhood feelings

[@OhWell0]

Preacher's daughter here. He's dead, Im 37. The negativity is the all out righteousness. Might equals right. The glory of a closed mind.​@appalachianoperator

[@hello93617]

Nothing better than a mom who comes home and immediately starts looking for anything someone did wrong so she can "correct" it. You gotta love that feeling in your stomach when you hear the car door close. Eventually, you just gotta start leaving easy to do chores undone, so she'll notice those, and not decide the entire living room needs to get rearranged. I swear its just an internal unhappiness thatthey need to blame on an external force.

[@lazulin]

Your words really resonated with me - for decades, when I visit my grandmother, I always leave something 'undone', like not doing my nails or maybe my hair being messy so that when she begins her immediate criticism, she criticizes that instead of something more sensitive. I think I first realized that it'd never change when one day I looked absolutely impeccable and she'd started criticizing my posture. Something no one had ever said a word in my life about. I just knew then that I'd never be able to see her without being ripped apart. This past holiday season, I made the decision to just stop visiting.... turned out her vision was getting worse so she missed the unfinished nails and proceeded to spend an hour lecturing me about my weight. She's autistic and doesn't realize that she's causing pain even when her words are literally making people fall apart... so you might be on the verge of tears and she just keeps on going. I think there's just no winning.

[@RustyShackleford051]

​@@lazulinid fight back and roast her old azz 🤷‍♂️

[@Cafeallday222]

This is why I don’t bug my step kids too much, just a few chores. If I think they have too much I’ll help. I don’t want them scared because I’m home!

[@kristinalbrecht9980]

My daughters grandmother (on dad's side) is like this and on top of the obsessive cleanliness, and constantly having to be mad AT SOMEONE. SHES never happy unless someone else is miserable or she is mad at someone. If no body is doing anything wrong she will find something to yell about that is minute and ridiculous to get mad about in the first place. If no one in her household is pissing her off then she will redirect her anger to the neighbor to be the one that is now pissing her off. I don't understand how someone can take pleasure out of someone else's misery.

[@ronhall5395]

Sounds like a power play.

[@DaveTexas]

I’m autistic but I wasn’t diagnosed until age 52. I’ve been married for 27 years. My husband used to travel for work, being away for about 70% of the time. Our relationship was great. It was when he stopped traveling that things got bad. I couldn’t stand to have him around all the time. It took YEARS for us to figure out why his being home was a problem for me. Turns out I need a lot of "alone" time in order to not get overloaded or overstimulated. There are all sorts of reasons a person might not be happy to be somewhere or be with someone. Those reasons aren’t always obvious or easily discovered. Both people do have to want to find the reasons, however.

[@JaNouWatIkVind]

Thank you. That is a helpful perspective.

[@LCmonman]

This is the most compassionate response I’ve ever read ❤

[@smania7575]

This is why I think therapy and/or self reflection is so helpful for everyone. A good therapist probably would have helped you discover you needed more alone time sooner in your life. Self reflection can be difficult and you can easily choose not to reflect on certain things. But, if you're good at self reflection that may be enough. I can say that as I've learned more about myself through therapy and self reflection, I have come to understand myself, my needs, and my wants more. I've also come to love my husband SOOO much more than I did before learning more about me. It's crazy how knowing yourself better can change EVERYTHING in your life.

[@jennteal5265]

I'm 43/f and have Asperger's - I really truly enjoy when my husband is away as it gives me time to reset myself. I do truly love him though, we just recognize I need to be alone at times.

[@purplepheasant4776]

My unpopular opinion, maybe you shouldn't have gotten married if you don't like being around ppl.

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

There is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. There are no formulas to these things. What works for Adam might not work for peter. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it.

[@oglaskubuot]

There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@LeonardEarnshaw]

Letting go of someone you love is always challenging, but in my situation, I had the guidance of a spiritual counselor who prevented my marriage from falling apart. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.

[@oglaskubuot]

This is helpful, I will look her up online right now.... I hope this works..Thank You

[@squizzerl1478]

Yes and sometimes the solution is divorce.

[@emmaboyett8667]

Bottttttt

[@_smartyshorts]

If he’s worried about them being safe if he’s not around, he should leave and file for full custody.

[@alqoshgirl]

No he’s right. She’s not abusing them, there isn’t anything that would show a judge will give him full custody unless she forfeits her rights. Divorce is devastating for a reason and I highly disagree with John that divorce will be better and they are already living it. It won’t be better. It will be worse and indeed the kids will be unprotected and he has zero rights when kids are on mom time

[@2frenchies777]

@alqoshgirl i don't think divorce is better at all, but I do believe that sometimes situations like this, the kids will benefit from the parents divorcing. My parents hated each other and hated their life the way they treated each other and their children is a prime example of why you don't have to stick it out for the kids. My parents waited until my brother and I were adults to separate.

[@_smartyshorts]

@@alqoshgirl physical abuse isn’t the only reason one should file for full custody. If she travels a lot for work and doesn’t interact with them when she’s home then I think being with one caring parent is better. Is it more devastating to have a parent around that clearly doesn’t want to be with you, or one that isn’t in your life as often? Him saying they’ll only be safe half the time indicates that she’s not as nurturing and maybe they won’t be as safe emotionally

[@Mammel248]

@@_smartyshorts well because he's the guy she's gonna get the kids anyway for most of the time. Even if she travels for work. That's just the way the family courts roll... custody goes to mom unless you can prove serious abuse.

[@Ryan-wx1bi]

Men basically never get full custody... That's what he's afraid of

[@Girlgonewise]

It’s called adultery….to be gone from your family for extended period of time and comes back so negative speaks volumes. She doesn’t want to be there.

[@Jeff-xy7fv]

desertion

[@stephengallagher2209]

She is 100% having an affair.

[@snopure]

She might be resentful that she's supporting the family. She might not be happy at work either. It can be stressful to travel so much, and it can bear the same negative attitude when being at home.

[@RiverWoods111]

@@snopure No one said she is supporting the family. He the caller said, that she traveled and he held down the fort. Nothing was said that he didn't work or that she made more money than him.

[@Nevsky777]

To my friend the caller man up. I divorced when my children were very small and my ex spend more time out (not working) than withe the kids. I filed for divorced a d won custody. Children were protected, one is attending a master degree program and the other is finishing college. Just take action.

[@EdelweisSusie]

Whoa, Dr John - there IS another angle to this! Years ago I worked with a young woman whose husband was in the Army in Northern Ireland so was away from the family home sometimes for 2 or 3 months at a time - and when he returned for a week, he did EXACTLY what this man’s wife’s doing ie changing things around the house: plates would be stacked in different cupboards; mirrors and furniture would be moved; the bed was turned to face a different wall - and it took her months to figure out what was going on. Turns out her husband, having been away from the family/home for so long, was just trying to assert his authority over the household. He kept saying that him doing his job pays the mortgage and bills to justify what he was doing so perhaps this man’s wife is the same? I notice he didn’t explain why SHE goes travelling for work - is he a house-husband? She might just be angry at him for making her have to travel all the time. Two sides to every story…….

[@irina383]

Hit the nail on the head. I had exactly the same feeling. She is either sole provider or the main provider. Only some women would thrive in that position, the vast majority of women would turn bitter if they had to be the main provider.,

[@Nah-ah]

This!

[@judithluiz6568]

I had to be a main provider in my family. While I took care of everything. I was not bitter. But my Ex had Scizophrenia/ bipolar and was always causing chaos. No peace in the home. I tried to make. I divorced him.

[@luannedeboth6608]

Dr. Delony- two sides to every story.

[@coolwater55]

This is what many traditional husband's do to their wives and children. Classic: I make the money, you keep everything perfect, quiet, children clean, when I walk in the door.

[@Nat-mw3bz]

This is how I felt about my stepfather. I always wanted him GONE!

[@joygernautm6641]

My dad was a military, and the same thing happened to us. He would be gone sometimes for up to six months on course, and when he would come back, it was chaos. He would walk around, wanting to be treated like “the man” with everybody deferring to him and catering to his needs. My mom went from calm loving mom too anxious always on edge mom. Us kids felt like something was not quite right, and when he would go away again, things will settle down and it would be peaceful again. It was not OK. It was a typical patriarchal, set up where my mom was basically socially pressured to be married with children and be a stay at home mother with no source of income outside of my father. He used that power to Lord over all of us when he was home. Acting like the best gift in the world with his presence. None of us wanted him there.

[@walteentruely7173]

The Great Santini comes to mind.

[@NyssaOwens]

That is so very sad. :(

[@MerandaYt]

That's why i keep telling women to have a source of income, man... life can be shitty sometimes.

[@thegeminishome8438]

Oh stop with the patriarchy b.s. your dad was an asshole don't blame the nuclear family.

[@Cafeallday222]

I’m really realizing how people hold their money over their partners head as a form of control. I’m really grateful my mum taught me to always have a good job in case you need to leave. But even with that, if they make more, it can be used that way.

[@turquoiseopalfruit]

Wait a minute, how did the conversation turn to she didn't like being there and has she had an affair? That's not what the guy said, the guy was talking about mum leaving crisp packets and the kids are not allowed??!! And also, the guy said, "I love when she's gone". Maybe it's him making her not feel welcome?! It would be interesting to hear both sides.

[@DrReneeMudrey]

I agree. As a fellow mental health practitioner, and fan of Dr. John, I feel this wasn’t his best show. He was triggered and quickly responded instead of taking the time to really figure out what was happening.

[@turquoiseopalfruit]

@@DrReneeMudrey Yeh, There was too much conjecture in there.

[@trinketeerrine6674]

Also she might be the only one cleaning after everybody else in the house so of course she would allow herself to be the exception to the rules since she might be the one cleaning anyway.

[@HC-gm4fo]

@@trinketeerrine6674She’s not

[@ungphuc]

@@DrReneeMudreyI think his instinct is correct here. I’m talking from a women perspective. Her Double standard is the red flag here.

[@cameron2506]

I went through this with my wife. She didn't have the best childhood. Like me. What i had to do in the end was really confront and stand up to her. Lived my life for me and my kids. Until my wife started to come around. Took a long time. If not for my kids i would have left. As a father i knew i wouldn't get custody. So i fought.

[@regretfulsin]

Just because you're a father doesn't mean you wouldn't get custody. My abusive ex got half custody even with the allegations I made.

[@pescatoralpursuit1726]

If I may offer a perspective: Rather than looking at it as "standing up to your wife," perhaps the perspective of "this is how I'm going to run my household and you're welcome to participate in it" may change the energy in how you approach it, from a negative to a positive. She's not an enemy combatant (I'm offering a perspective, not putting words in your mouth.) She's someone who was given free reign and made her own rules which you are expected to abide by. I wish you success as I feel we are on the same journey.

[@meameowmewmew]

Just FYI, men get custody the majority of the time if they actually fight for it. Most of the time they don't fight for it and they don't even go to court.

[@JohnstonJack3318]

I’m heading off to Army SERE C school today 🫡 this is the last video I’m watching before my 21 day adventure. Thank you for the video, I listen to these all the time so I can learn from other’s experiences and hopefully be a better husband and father someday with my girlfriend! Hopefully soon to be my wife!

[@jamesmoriarty9603]

Good luck! I hear it's quite the ordeal - a friend of mine got through because he kept annoying them with silly questions like "what kind of questions do you think a pigeon would ask if they could talk?", "what do you think the squirrels would think of this?", etc. Mind over matter :) Be safe and take care

[@boston312]

sign a prenup dude, the military marriages have a notorious divorce rate.

[@RittenhousesRifle]

I would try to not think about your girlfriend while you’re over there. It will drive you crazy and there is honestly a good chance it won’t work out with you guys just because military relationships are so turbulent and unpredictable. I would hate to see you get cheated on or screwed over man.

[@anneshirley9560]

Thank you for your service, sir! Good luck with you and your girlfriend. I wish you guys many years of love, happiness and kids! Praying for your safe return!

[@noushs8004]

@@boston312that’s because military guys are idiots and marry women they met after 3 dates. 😂

[@Aaron-fb1pq]

I have to say, I'm not a big Dr.Phil or Oprah kind of guy but Dr. John is just sharp as a tack. He'll hear something and dissect the situation in it's entirety instantly. Great show to watch. As a salesperson it's honestly interesting to learn and understand the psychology behind peoples actions.

[@imveryhungry112]

He told them theyre marriage is messed up and they need to talk about it. Thats just common sense.

[@Aaron-fb1pq]

@@imveryhungry112 No it wasn't common sense!? He told Dr. John that she was holding others in the house to a different standard and he broke the whole situation down instantly. I for sure didn't pick up the bigger picture at first.

[@imveryhungry112]

@Aaron-fb1pq I just figured she was being harsh because she didn't really wanna be there. I've seen people do that a lot. It's called, passive aggression.

[@Aaron-fb1pq]

@@imveryhungry112 Maybe you should be a psychologist

[@imveryhungry112]

@Aaron-fb1pq it's called common sense if your spouse starts purposefully provoking you, she doesn't want to be with you! Don't need a PhD to understand that.

[@Lauren2145-fi3ed]

I really respect how honest John is about his own marriage and their struggles. He never makes out his life is perfect or that he is any better than anyone else. I appreciate this

[@arielle3677]

There are 10 prominent Narcissistic tendencies I hear 1. Consistently Refuses to take any responsibility for anything 2. Gaslighting phrases " I guess I'm the worst person in the world" 3. Lives a life where they are consistently absent "for work" - (this is only a tendency in conjunction with other signs, but is still questionable across the board) 4. Ruins the peace of the home (starting arguments, communicates by yelling or raising their voice) 5. Always looking for a fight in attempt to control everyone elses emotions (they're satisfied as soon as you errupt and if you don't errupt they keep after you until you do) 6. Everyone feels better when they aren't around 7. You are the savior of the home and if you don't keep it together it's total chaos (you don't trust them to be a mature adult that can be depended on) 8. And the biggest, They experiencenced trauma at home in their youth and Have Not taken the proper steps to process and heal. 9. They aren't interested in healing and or deny that they are creating a problem in the family 10. They see their abuse/ mistreatment as something you deserve rather than focusing on problem solving. It's never "Us against the problem" always you are the problem. You have to have all your ducks in a row Before you speak to a narcissist and truth be told you should never "unmask" them because that's when they become grotesque in their lunacy.

[@Dansyoung]

He is describing “walking on eggshells” when she is around, this is exactly what he is dealing with.

[@arc8584]

You described my own mom, which this woman quickly reminded me of. Its u fortunate that it took this long for him to take steps to address it.

[@alicewiggins966]

I was thinking this!! Bc my moms a narcissist and she sounded exactly like this chick

[@indiaandrews6996]

My mother is one. I don’t recommend the caller stay with her and he prepares an excellent defense because judges like to give children to the mother. Family court almost is like a paint by numbers exercise.

[@Veracityseeker7]

That's exactly what I felt.

[@maddynavarro77]

I pray this gentleman and his wife can work this out and if it's unsalvageable, never stay in an unhealthy marriage for your children's sake bc it does more harm than good. I remember many, many years ago James Dobson said "Children that had parents who stayed in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage were more traumatized than children of divorced parents"..... Not that exact quote but that's what he meant and unfortunately I can testify to this. May our God give you wisdom and guidance. I'm praying you both can truly work this out and have a blessed marriage.🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@sparklesp9304]

That's true.

[@daveedg2473]

Dude I came from a marriage where I did not everything u could ask for in a husband and more and she was dissatisfied u ain’t the only one. When I confronted it and ultimately we got a divorce. A month later she is breaking up her coworkers marriage. That’s ur answer brutha something else is going on

[@Dansyoung]

Yup similar to my experience as well. Best thing you can do is move on and don’t look back. 2 years later she tried coming back, I told her NO!. Edit: they keep deleting my comments, be very cautious if you experience this. Research into what you are dealing with!!

[@daveedg2473]

@@Dansyoung sorry brutha it’s hard mine is still fresh 4 months, she was my best friend and that’s the hardest part. Luckily the split was easy and amicable no harm done. Keep it pushing brutha!

[@Dansyoung]

@@daveedg2473I don’t know if you experienced exactly the same thing as me…. But watch Dr Ramani videos and make sure you are fully educated on what you are dealing with. The person you thought you were with doesn’t exist, and you need to be extremely careful in the future.

[@SF-op5ix]

So sorry that happened

[@Dansyoung]

My comments keep getting deleted. You need to be very cautious in the future, research what a covert female narcissist is.

[@2frenchies777]

People go through things. I went through similar stuff, but I wasn't having an affair. I was severely depressed and didn't even want to be around myself, let alone my husband and children. Even went through a phase where I was leaving to the store and coming back just to sit on our property in the vehicle, having a drink listening to music. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I don't think she is having an affair.

[@chrisbrown113096]

“People” go through things

[@2frenchies777]

@@chrisbrown113096 You are 100% correct. I know men go through things as well.

[@autordijanaferkovic]

Thank you for this comment. I guess Bill will be glad to read it - cause the main thing is not to make presumtions a this stage. Bill, be open minded and ask yourself what is the BEST thing that can happen out of the conversation. She should definitely look around to find more blessings around her family. But she could also be dealing with addiction or depression or some other stuff, that with little support could be sorted.

[@Spaceman99966]

Women do go thru things but grownups don't let their negative feelings affect their family

[@anneshirley9560]

@@Spaceman99966were only human, its going to happen from time to time, and we should lift each other up, but it shouldn't be this bad.

[@StrangeJedi]

When Dr. D said Affair, I was counting the red flags. She has one foot (and all her luggage and documents) out the door on the FAMILY... not just him. I hope he gets his ducks in a row BEFORE the conversation. Dr. Delony has so much empathy, love, and positivity. He is a therapist, and sometimes people are emotionally clueless and this forces them into inaction. He should be preparing for war (divorce) and praying she comes to the table to ask for forgiveness for her actions. Based on the husband's and kids' perspectives, she will be happy to leave them alone.

[@snopure]

He said it could eventually lead to an affair. Nothing certain about it. The lady is clearly unhappy with her life, and it could easily be from unhappiness with her job and having to work. She might not be a very pleasant person to work with either. A question Deloney could have also asked is when was the last time she took time off.

[@marcusj5135]

@@snopure The affair has already been going on for years, I assure you. "Behavior is a language", Dr. D always says and she clearly doesn't want to be there by the way she's acting. To me, it's just too obvious that it's because being home means she's away from her work boyfriend

[@JFBalz]

Yeah, she’s already had (if not having) the affair. No doubt. For someone who doesn’t “want to bail” the affair will be the catalyst for her husband to end things. She doesn’t want to leave, so she’s making it impossible to stay. She’s a coward… and she’ll wear that scarlet letter for the rest of her life.

[@mfawls9624]

​@@JFBalz Cowardly for sure, but maybe more conniving. Might be by never being there dhe wants to push him to infidelity so she can look good when she divorces him? Had never thought about that until someone pointed it out about my own situation. I confronted my wife with the idea...she shrugged and said 'maybe' in a quite voice. They are often full of low cunning.

[@talyahr3302]

Totally agree he should be preparing for war so he can increase his chances of getting full custody. I hope she wouldn't even fight hard since she doesn't want to be there, but let's be real it's gonna be harder because he's the man. Hopefully the fact that she travels so much helps him get full custody.

[@njkg1520]

This wife described by this courageous man reminds me of my dad. Growing up, we were all on edge before he came home. My mom made sure we cleaned to avoid any battles with him. My mom put him above her health and well-being, as well as us (her kids). She didn’t have those vulnerable and bold conversations, I really wish she would have. Living with my dad was chaotic. I was sick all the time, I saw a gastroenterologist. In reflection, in was pure anxiety. My nervous system was in a state of fight or flight. To this day, I am 36 now, my mother still lives in denial of the horrendous abuse of our dad and their toxic marriage.

[@MsMak03]

Are we siblings cause that sounds just like my life

[@njkg1520]

@@MsMak03 aw, I am deeply sorry you’ve endured this abuse, too. My heart goes out to you-I spent most of my life blaming myself, because that’s all I grew up hearing, that it was all my fault. Through tremendous therapy and taking back my life, I now have a beautiful and peaceful life. I hope and pray you too have peace and know the truth that it was never your fault. I’m sorry again for what you’ve been through. 🙏🏻🫶🏻🤍

[@mmp495]

❤

[@christinamitrovich4972]

My daughter is always sick when she goes to her father's.

[@njkg1520]

@@christinamitrovich4972 I’m so sorry ❤️

[@WWE2KProGamer]

Marriage is a journey most people take with no roadmap to success. 🗺️

[@alluringbliss4165]

I think it’s more complicated than that. Some people have no idea how it’s supposed to be because of the unhealthy environment they come from.

[@IMBIue]

There is a roadmap, it's called the Bible.

[@acustomer7216]

Marriage is the only contract where one spouse is declared the winner when the other spouse dies.

[@strawberrykatnz]

​@@IMBIue That might be a roadmap for some, but it is not a match for every soul on earth. The roadmap to life is bigger than any book.

[@Flash3-22]

This is exactly the sentiment I share with my husband. If only there was a guidance manual and better preparation for couples who are planning on getting married.

[@Ricardo.3]

I was in same situation when was married (no kids), so after analysing the situation well I decided get the divorce and now 5y divorced my life couldn't be better. 🤩 Freedom is the path to happiness definitely

[@SaystheTruth3]

💯 true!!!

[@emilyh6293]

He should rethink the odds that she’s had an affair. How can he claim “no with 99% certainty” when she’s on the road so much?

[@Jugoplastika7]

They hide it so well too

[@rudabegasschriner3653]

Affair or not, the marriage isn’t working. At this point it’s therapy or split.

[@rams812]

It was a stupid question to push any way. To ask it initially is fair, but to say "you sure?" Was so f***ing dumb. Obviously he doesn't 100% know. No one can ever know unless they catch it or get told. Dumb moment.

[@dinkyboss]

Because perhaps she has different vices. Not everyone are cheaters but they do other disrespectful stuff. Cheating isn’t the only situation that causes behavior like this.

[@dinkyboss]

@@rams812ok thank you! I thought I was the only one who caught that. I’m a councilor and I’d never ask a question like that to a client. It’s unnecessary firstly, but like you said it’s impossible to answer. I feel like he was trying to evoke a certain response from the caller and he failed so he kept trying

[@Xoli-ig4yo]

I've listened to this conversation multiple times and I'm struggling to hear where the husband says the wife "doesn't want to be home". It's the husband who feels better when she's gone (which is not a lot according to him) than when she's around

[@pamelalansbury94]

2:07 he says he wouldn’t put it into those words but agrees it feels that way

[@Rose-oo9gn]

If someone comes home and is constantly negative and unhappy it SCREAMS “I don’t want to be here” it didn’t have to be said. You look at peoples behavior. 🙄

[@GarageFiringSquad]

Listening to the first few minutes would get you there. Nobody wants to be around someone who CANT HANDLE STRESS. And thats her. Hes calm when shes gone. The kids are probably calm too. But when she gets home all that changes. Nobody wants that.

[@carnivoreRon]

She's having an affair. Nothing he can do will keep her there or make her want to be there. She's checked out

[@renarich4942]

But u haven’t met her

[@ojanimoore3936]

You're right... I don't want to assume she's having an affair, but I feel like she's checked out​@@renarich4942

[@CharBar07]

She probably feels trapped, the lack of communication, and unit as a family is gone. I was gone for a few months as a project manager and it sucks. The stress and frustration draw me away from my wife and kids. When I came home all I can think about is how Monday will be and if anyone messed up over the weekend. I had deadlines and stuck to it. After that, I had to spend more time with the family and reschedule my work load.

[@WWE2KProGamer]

@@renarich4942So?? 😂

[@marcusj5135]

@@renarich4942 You don't have to meet her, you just have to meet women. They are very bad at splitting their emotions, especially when it comes to romantic interests. She's more emotionally engaged with the work boyfriend; and chances are, he's probably married himself, which is why she hasn't divorced the caller yet. The caller is confused because he refuses to see her as a cheater, so her actions are confusing because he can't see the foundation.

[@LouisaWatt]

When you’re happier being alone than with your spouse, things must be tense. Honestly, there’s no way of shielding kids from that emotional environment, it’s palpable to everyone.

[@kelsiecaswell9845]

I think I was close to acting like this woman was. The emotional toll of two children while expecting things out of people (including my husband) that I myself wasn't even following through on. Until God slapped me in the face and said look how damn blessed I've made you, take Jesus and don't ever forget what He did for you. Love yourself as I love you, because I sent Jesus down to save you, because you are worth saving.

[@austyn5004]

Yeah I saw myself too when I was the bread winner and my ex was the stay at home dad. I wasn’t having an affair. I was absolutely miserable at my job, tired, overwhelmed, and just super depressed.

[@Jeff-fn2ww]

Sometimes the only way the Lord has to get into a heart is to break it first!

[@trickpony111]

💜💜💜 Though painful, I think your “slap” was worth it because you are preachin’ right!! Thank you Jesus! 🥲

[@olivias2836]

@@austyn5004 came here to say this too... Im ashamed to admit I acted a lot like this before getting therapy and working through my feelings of resentment rooted in my own unhappiness, and I've never even come close to having an affair. I work more hours outside of the home than my husband who works from home and has way more flexibility with his job and hours. I am the breadwinner and resent the fact that it's not within our financial reality for me to work less and be home more. I'm doing much better but I'm definitely a work in progress. Thankfully I got a handle on my behavior before it came to the point where my kids didn't want to be around me, that would have absolutely shattered me. To this callers wife- if any of this resonates I hope she knows it's not too late to get help and repair her relationships with her children and husband

[@stanford513]

But why? Why did you need the slap? If you don’t know, no worries.

[@Aloha4Maui]

Ah, i felt for him. Kudos Dr. John for making it clear that everyone in the house is feeling and living it already.

[@cldflorida]

Would like to hear an update at some point on this

[@migalorsdarwin1930]

Do they ever do Updates?

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@migalorsdarwin1930Sometimes, they just did one at the end of yesterdays full episode!

[@reneeantwi-boasiako3974]

@@migalorsdarwin1930 a few

[@mmp495]

Updates would be great.👍

[@chriss.7751]

This is part and parcel the exact same situation my brother was in for 20 years. She was checked out, miserable, fighting all the time and tormenting everyone and he stayed because he believed he was protecting the kids. She bailed multiple times, and would come back make eveyone miserable and leave again. They are now divorced and she is still making everyone miserable because she resents everyone from the past. The kids and my brother are all a mess because of all the trauma from what she did. She never wanted anything to do with any of them. My friend, your wife is done, she wants out, your not protecting your kids, the damage may be done whether you are there or not. Either do the hard work and reconcile if you both want to bulid something new or move on so you can start to heal. Everyone needs to heal.

[@Jendromeda]

i have a relative who did what you describe TWICE....both times the marriage was troubled from the start. I'll bet this guy has had problems since week no. 1 I feel so bad for decent people who get stuck with really difficult entitled brats. Everyone should wait until a later age and marry when they are absolutely sure...and even then....

[@deirdrekiely6187]

No one forced him to stay for 20 years of toxic dysfunction.

[@DrMarijuanaPepsiVandyck]

There are many people who work long distance. John jumped straight in saying the wife didn’t want to be there before he had any details regarding the relationship. If it were the husband working long distance I’m not sure it would be the same. And yes- a wife does not want to walk into a filthy house after being away from home working long distance. That doesn’t translate to her not wanting to be home. And no- the kids should not be eating on the couch- even if the adults do. 👍🏽

[@ProgrammedMind]

when he said that his wifes father bailed , i instantly thought of that john mayer song "fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do."

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

never heard of the song, but what a painful truth that is.

[@AD-cc7bj]

@@Lauren-vd4qefatherless

[@juliel8124]

This man’s wife is my husband 100% i FULLY understand him and his reasoning for staying to protect the kids. My partner is an avoidant and quite emotionally immature. Very difficult to manage and not easy to navigate with kids in the picture.

[@carsonsmith8607]

Why did you even thought having kids with a man like that was a good idea? Didn't you notice all of those red flags before having kids? Or after having the first one? Moms like you are so path3t1c and selfish. Stop having k1ds with sh1tty men ffs

[@meno4054]

I travel a lot because I coach a travel sports team. I enjoy my time away because I am a homeschooling mom to five. We are together always. When I come home from these trips, I am so happy to be back home with people who love me and don't care if I'm not perfect. I know my husband doesn't enjoy the occasional weekends away while I coach, but I feel like I need them.

[@priusa8113]

Dr Delony hits the nail on the head every time!! Greetings from Jubail KSA ❤❤❤❤

[@katie0303]

My husband and I did not agree on family lifestyle. He thought kids should be seen - not heard. He didn’t want their friends over either. I use to have to throw neighborhood kids out the door when he pulled up. I wanted my kids to have a free and joyous childhood, not one walking on pins and needles. It created a lot of stress for me. I tried to look united with my husband - but I really wasn’t. My communication with him was awful - as he would snap back and I would slink away. Very poor dynamic. It was never addressed - he got a disease and passed away when my kids were under 10. These things are hard to address if you are afraid of your partner snapping back. You just float along - trying to deal as best you can.

[@sparklesp9304]

Yeah, he sounded abusive.

[@DrippydaBoss]

This is what my reality looks like right now.

[@cherylvisconti]

@@DrippydaBoss🙏

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

My mom wd yell yours dads home etc when he pulled into the driveway, and we wd all scatter away, regroup at the dinner table, then scatter again.

[@katie0303]

@@Lauren-vd4qe Sorry to hear about this. I guess it can go both ways - Mom or Dad can be the feared one. Either way, it should not happen.

[@marlene1708]

Would love for both to call in, because we dont have the full picture.

[@rebeccagutierrez8170]

He's a mooch n is turning the kids against her while she's supporting the whole family. I bet he won't work and she would love to stay home with her children.

[@Christopher-ms5ke]

@@rebeccagutierrez8170Very plausible

[@jamesmccloud1002]

​@rebeccagutierrez8170 What's the point of clicking on the video if you're going to disregard what's said and create your own narrative. Even if what you said is true, she needs to open her mouth and tell him the issue. Not just neg the whole family in hopes he reads her mind on the actual issue.

[@annadd5263]

Im the same. Just like his wife because im tired of cleaning after everyone and im tired of being the man in the house while im actually the woman...all my softness is gone. No one eats on the couch, but i do because i can clean after myself. If i leave things around, its because im exhausted.

[@angelicavasquez3870]

YES

[@crystalcutch5569]

This is the issue that won't be addressed...exhaustion from being both mom & dad with dad still home, needing a mom & a maid.

[@noushs8004]

Amen.

[@Veracityseeker7]

Yeah that's not how you solve problems. Sounds really immature on your part. It's not setting a good example for the kids that you mutually decided to create. This is why I didn't have kids, because it requires a good amount of getting over yourself. Find a new strategy before your entire ship. Sinks.

[@funicon3689]

narcissism

[@drea4195]

My heart breaks for the caller. A lot of what he described reminded me of my own childhood when we kids were glad that dad would be gone often for extended business trips. When he would come home, he was grumpy, critical of everyone, and we would have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. Mom, my siblings and I were afraid of incurring his wrath; he was an overly harsh disciplinarian to say the least. Thank God he was (finally) saved when I was 15 and he slowly began the process of becoming a human I can respect and admire, and feel at ease in his company. But it took a few decades. Of course, I ended up marrying a man who repeated some of the same negativity as my father had when I was young-- but in many other ways, he was worse. He put on a great show of being a loving and empathic person in the early years of our relationship, but about the time the kids were starting school, the mask really began to slip. Suddenly I was at fault for everything he was dissatisfied with, the cause of all the problems in our marriage, etc. Without going into the endless list of his complaints, there was no way to win him over or please him. It became a relief when he would go on business trips and leave me in peace with the kids for a week or so. I wouldn't have to dread the 4 o'clock time when he would be coming home from work and yelling from the get go, or making mean comments about me and upbraiding me for my failures. That walking on eggshells thing was my norm for 10 years, until I said Enough and we got a divorce. I prayed thoughout our marriage for my husband's salvation, but it hasn't happened. It still might, but at least I no longer have to live with the soul-crushing toxicity that he brings with him. My biggest regret is that my kids might follow in his path, since they witnessed this horrible drama that was our marriage for far too long. Please, caller, get out now, before your children absorb any more of the wrongs they are witnessing between you and your wife daily. It is harming them more than you can know.

[@Levandetag]

Thank you for sharing, it is good because, all this is so taboo to even mention. Then we, often get more bs-talks on us, most often, people are not trained, when young to recognize the patternings that goes on, until someone stops them. And a lot of old patterns on how it should be, and sometimes even ownerships, over the partner, can also, play into this. And sharing in this, with words, you maybee do not even have from the beginning, caused by our fears, no easy piece to do, in harsh judgemental cultures. I have had it the same, we are seldom as alone, in this as we first think, or believe.

[@alberttang6955]

I read Pat Conroy's wonderful novel The Great Santini when I was quite young. The book is fiction, but is based on the author's own experiences growing up with a Marine Corps aviator dad who was a harsh, angry disciplinarian. My own childhood experience was so different from the one portrayed in the book that I thought surely this type of dad must be rare. Over the years I have learned that many people experienced exactly the kind of dad you describe.

[@what.the.whatever]

I'm sorry you dealt with that and I'm glad you got away from that. Unfortunately those people usually don't see their issue and usually don't change

[@RGR_Gaming10X]

Dad get like this because they come home and get no affection or sex from their wife ever. Who wouldn't be grumpy?

[@BBL_Fam]

I’ve got to say, I can empathize with this same kind of trouble in my own marriage, and have received help from a therapist. After watching several videos of Dr. Deloney’s, it’s shocking to see how he and some other therapists jump so quickly to suggesting divorce or separation before couples counseling to diagnose the problem.

[@foardhook]

RUN! you can't fix them. They are nuts!

[@arc8584]

He's being tame about it but I know what having a mother like this is like. Except full time, SAHM, who had all the time energy and power in the world to attack us. My mother is an agent of malicious chaos, constantly amped up and enabled by my father who maliciously ramped up, enabled, and did nothing to mitigate the insanity while telling us to tolerate it because our mother "is not right in the head." He abandoned us to her and attacked us himself when things would boil to a point he'd have to get involved. This dad sounds like he's putting in lots of effort to keep this chaos demon at bay. He knows there is a major problem, just not how to address without things exploding. But there's nothing he can do about her response. He'll bring out the worst in her, but it's the worst *in her.* and that is her responsibility. Jon's right, there is no easy path. No peaceful solution. If there's any solution at all. She's MISERABLE. She would be better off to be confronted, my own mother would chill out for a few weeks after having the law laid down to her. These same people that are agents of chaos are starving for rules, boundaries and limitations to their behavior which unfortunately, have to be externally enforced likely for the rest of their lives.

[@mfawls9624]

Insightful.

[@CrystalM1917]

It really boils down to having kids and a family when they didn't really want that. So when that happens there will ALWAYS be a problem bc they are living not a day, a month, a season, but A LIFE they don't WANT and it's horrible for everyone else it effects, especially the poor kids who didn't ask to be brought into it.

[@kaleidoscope9394]

U cooked here 👨‍🍳

[@Mamamoe13]

Did we grow up in the same house and just not notice each other?❤

[@deanwitt7903]

An agent of chaos is well put . I describe my mother as a family terrorist . She hated her family and resented us . She would wage war in the home to the point my father would hold her down while my oldest brother would call a doctor to come and sedate her . I will never forget the neighbours coming over because of all the yelling and screaming and I’ll never forget the doctor pulling her pants down and jabbing a needle in her ass . I’m 51 now and I just shake my head because I’ve got my own family and I just can’t imagine that crap unfolding in my home .

[@helgaherbstreit5102]

My siblings, my father and I had one good week as a family. My narcissistic mother was in the hospital and suddenly there was peace. I treasure the memory of that week. My father couldn't assert himself against this woman and couldn't protect us. She also complained about everything, but was unable to do what she asked of us.

[@wp699]

Narcissists or any people who are heavily influenced by the “demonic” or negative emotions always create a sense of peace when they are gone. Doesn’t necessarily mean they are text book narcissists but that they are problematic people who cause discord and have some kind of leverage that keeps it happening.

[@greggeer6231]

This video hit hard. This guy is me when I was younger. I said all of the same things he said. I (and the kids) felt all of the same things he felt. Have that hard conversation. I didn't. I tried as hard as I could to fix things, and she never went along with me to fix anything. Fast forward 20 years and its not a great situation. There's bitterness and the kids don't have much of a relationship with her.

[@pteifert]

That’s 100% my mom. I’m now 42 and we grew up w a mom like that. My parents are still married and it’s still this way. The adult kids that still live at home say it’s still better when she’s gone. We dread when she is home. My dad is the only one who feels better when she’s home but we can’t tell why because she is abuse toward him, verbally and mentally. We hate that too. My dad always wanted to keep the family together at all costs but I remember thinking I wish they’d divorce when I was a kid

[@pteifert]

100% the kids already know

[@GoKU-xx2vg]

You are 42. Confront her about it and let her know it's unacceptable.

[@pteifert]

@@GoKU-xx2vg We have confronted her but all her kids are now adults, the ones who live there have a choice and it’s now between my parents to deal with themselves. My siblings who live at home just deal with her until the next time she’s out of the house, she’s gone more than she’s home anymore. I just meant my post to reassure the father that the kids already know and already deal w it. Also, they are old enough and judge would take their feelings about custody in to consideration.

[@foardhook]

@@GoKU-xx2vg You can't! My mum is nuts. You can't fix that. Maybe if dad stood up to her early on but once they are set in there ways they are just nuts and that's all there is to it.

[@GoKU-xx2vg]

@@foardhook well if you can't fix nuts then best to stay away from nuts.

[@lisayeoman_giggles.504]

You are right about what you said to that man whose wife stays away. Kids are seeing an unsafe situation that warps their perception of how marriage and love looks like that they will repeat in their life later on until they finally see what they need to change about how to go about it differently.

[@user-xd6nc6rg7b]

She’s away working. What’s unsafe? Not letting the kids spill their dinner on the couch? 😂😂😂

[@SarahMc585]

Awh! “I’ll give you a whole episode if you want to.” Man. What a guy

[@JaNouWatIkVind]

Yes! I think that was so very supportive. ❤

[@maureenchandlerreid7916]

I don’t feel she’s having an affair. First thought to mind is she just doesn’t like being a mother or wife. She could have gotten married bc it was the thing to do or expected of her from family and friends and now she sees family life not for her and uses work as an excuse to get away. She could even be making up fake work trips just to get away to be alone. Nothing to do with another man. Some women just not wired for family life. Nothing wrong with that but she should have been honest with herself and accepted that about herself before getting married and having kids. He’ll probably get full custody since she’s always away anyway and she’ll have to pay him child support.

[@user-blob]

I agree with you. Though sometimes people don’t know how unsuited they are to something until they experience it. It just sucks that when it comes to parenthood you can’t go back after you’ve done it. I feel so sorry for such people.

[@Dansyoung]

But here’s the thing, we shame and bully men who decide they don’t want to be fathers and hold them fully accountable for their actions. We need to do the same for women that operate in this manner.

[@user-blob]

@@Dansyoungthe opposite is true 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@Dansyoung]

@@user-blob How do you figure? If you have a child and are not with the spouse, you pay child support. If you do not pay it, your wage is garnished or you goto jail.

[@Dansyoung]

@@user-blob How so?

[@phyllisbreese4289]

sounds like neither one of them likes the other or wants to spend time with each other. man, dr is spot on...

[@joywebster2678]

My Dad had different rules in the house than us 4 kids. We werectaught it was his privilege to eat chips on the sofa be ause he owned it, and was responsible to ckean up. We never challenged that, nor did my mother huddle with us and point out the unfairness. Dad also didnt leave the bag on the sofa, to taunt. So there is no law saying kids have to have same rules as parents, but parents hav to also do their part. Dad drank his coffee innthe kiving room, we kids had to drink at the table or outside. We u derstood we were messier.

[@sparklesp9304]

Just because your dad did it doesn't mean it was right. Kids are not worth less than adults, therefore adults are not supposed to have special privileges. That mindset is demoralizing

[@trinketeerrine6674]

​@@sparklesp9304Nah, it's okay to tell kids they're not allowed to eat on the sofa until they learn to eat without making a mess and clean after themselves.

[@katyafaucher4468]

She’s probably over stressed. Stress changes a person.

[@happym3008]

No ! Stop the excuses It’s called gaslighting Like she puts rules for others But those rules don’t apply to her That is in healthy person, Seems like she doesn’t regulate her emotions, These type ppl R dissatisfied with life no matter what u did for them It’s never enough If u see these patterns Stop ppl pleasing Stop Go talk to someon Make the next right thing What is good for u !

[@alext5497]

We are all stressed a the time. If you can't handle stress, that's a you problem

[@Gibbypastrami]

Bro everyone in this thread has 4 numbers after their names Eventually nowhere on the internet will be real

[@ciara7172]

@@Gibbypastrami KZbin does that automatically if they don't have a unique username. You can see their actual chosen username if you click on their profile🤨

[@user-xd6nc6rg7b]

@@happym3008All parents have rules for their kids that don’t apply to them. They’re kids. Are they allowed to drive, travel two weeks a month, stay up late watching TV, get married and have sex, etc? He didn’t mention anything she does that’s unreasonable. All he talked about was the kids being mad about rules and himself being resentful. Their youngest is 6. The kids are in school all day. He needs to get a job and get out of his feelings. Maybe if he worked she wouldn’t have to travel half the month for her job. Maybe he wouldn’t be so permissive with his kids that they resent mom being home and expecting normal discipline of their kids. He probably lets the kids trash the house while she’s gone and they’re mad they can’t do it when she’s there because he’s trying to put up a front to justify being a house husband when it’s not needed anymore.

[@sasharemez7373]

Love the knowledge Dr Deloney has. He says how she demands others to meet a standard she doesn’t keep and his question is what doesn’t she like about being home? He point to the root cause of her behaviour! I learned so much from this guy!

[@MegaTeeruk]

God I got so lucky and could not be more grateful. My wife and I have been together 19 years and have never had the problems I hear so many others have. Being married to her has been the easiest, most natural thing in the world.

[@mettamorph4523]

At 14, I remember thinking how nice living with Mom and Sister would be without my Dad in the house. He brought tension and sucked joy out of everything. I had two female coworkers who said the happiest times in their marriage was when their hubby worked a different shift than them, so they weren't home at the same time. Lif experiences should make us all empathetic with each other. But it doesn't, does it. Instead, people think their own experience is so unique.

[@erikaerika7788]

😂😂😂😂😂 my husband travels and i Cannot wait ...just cuz i am a loner ...but he works from home ..i see him 24/7 ...so afew days i am by MYSELF is heaven ❤❤❤❤

[@Muffinheadme]

On a completely separate note, was wondering if you'd be open to brightening up your dark set. You're helping people, and beautifully so, who are in a dark place, mostly. And I'm not saying your podcast should look like a carnival. But give it some lighter colors and a couple of objects on the desk and walls. Maybe hire a decorator who does offices and studios, etc. I love your show. 🌿

[@darlacaves3171]

I can relate to this this man's problem. My husband used to tell me (and tell my daughter privately) that our home life is better when I went to work, shopping, etc. It made me feel very unloved and not valued. This went on several years until my husband left me. So Sad. I tried to talk to him about it, but he wanted out.

[@jacydyer5489]

As a former child, I remember always being happy when my mom went away. It just meant everyone could relax. He might just like that it's more peaceful when she's not there.

[@Peaceisful]

You be the loving adult in the house. She will do her, but you can show those kids what commitment and maturity looks like. They need you.

[@louise8752]

Very good counseling Dr. John!! Very good conversation.

[@kev2020]

He sounds like he's not telling the whole story. I'm picturing her walking in from working hard and there's tomato sauce on the sofa, toys are everywhere and he's looking confused as to why she's stressed out because she's going to have to tackle those things herself. She can eat on the couch, she can drop her things because he's the clueless husband.

[@Chet_24]

This was how it was for me growing up, too. My dad was upbeat all the time and had a 1000x more stressful job than my mom did and she was always b*tchy. I told my mom when i was 14 if they ever got divorced, id pick dad because he's fun to be around. Every single day when my mom got home it was a 45-60 min diatribe on how awful everyone else is at work. I hated 4:30-5:30 every day.

[@noushs8004]

I think she just didn’t like u 😅

[@Chet_24]

@noushs8004 The feeling was mutual then

[@KFontLab]

As I hear more of these stories as well as consider my graduate studies… I wish people would admit that they don’t want to be married and/or you weren’t fully interested in being with the person you married. Marriage is way more than the wedding day. There are typically signs before “I do” that speaks to who the person is. Yes people change and grow, but some don’t. They are just who they are. And your kids need to see healthy love.

[@BBee13]

I feel like doctor John is jumping the gun on the whole affair thing. There’s not enough information to jump to that conclusion. Therapists need to be careful about what they accuse loved ones of doing before they have enough info, because it can cause a lot of emotional distress/rumination over something that may not even be an issue.

[@lonniejolly5882]

Simp.

[@mogulmade]

He knows, as a therapist, that behaviors like this are MORE THAN LIKELY symptoms of an affair. You may want to live in blissful delusion but for years this is her behavior and she travels. This is real.

[@nt3833]

He asked the question. He didn’t accuse her or tell the husband she was having an affair.

[@zeal4god402]

Occasional sex and having dates sometimes yet still not holistically connected and not content with each other...happens in so many relationships...time for the deep difficult conversations with corresponding adjustments

[@Priya-rf7ov]

And I get judged for my childfree choice. There so many messed up parents, I feel for those kids. People who decide childfree , know how important child’s life is. People with kids are the most selfish.

[@jacobfiles8386]

I can understand deciding to be child free. That's your right. Claiming that people who have children are more selfish is just nonsensical. I know plenty of people who have had rough times on account of their parents at one time or another, and yet are still thankful to have the gift of life nonetheless. Having children is how we keep our species alive, and should be an outlet to love a new person in a way that cannot otherwise be replicated. Your sentiment is filled with bitterness and I would be careful making choices based upon such a worldview.

[@beesknees213]

How DARE you say, "People with kids are the most selfish." That is a totally untrue statement. Parents GIVE from day one.

[@Trysaratop]

Business people on long trips usually cheat 90 percent of the time. If she doesn’t it could be other things like he has a bond with their kids, she doesn’t. He is a stay at home dad that can appear weak to a female after a while and she just doesn’t appreciate him.

[@saeedhossain6099]

10:05 she wont bail because she wants the caller to bail and blame it on him.

[@joenissan]

How did we go from he doesn’t want her there to….she doesn’t want to be there? That was a jump.

[@Skelly777able]

they're both clueless

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

We are ALL clueless in this world

[@ST-rj8iu]

because when she is at home, she is a mess, I guess. That is why he likes her gone. The family is on eggshells trying to not upset her. Sounds like they both don't like being married.

[@Sheryl777]

@joenissan probably because it's not just one-sided (it includes both their feelings) and John recognized that.

[@Veracityseeker7]

It's not hard to understand. Ideally, everybody would want their spouse to be home because it's pleasurable to be around them. But she's not pleasurable to be around and that's why he doesn't want her here. This is not Mensa level cognitive bending stuff. Lol

[@jenniferwood8944]

Dr you hit the nail on the head every time! Thank you!

[@tomnohmy1273]

My ex would be crazy about the kids cleaning when she herself was messy. I couldn't do anything right either. My wife had multiple affairs. Thx God I finally felt good enough about myself to leave 11 years ago.

[@sparklesp9304]

She sounds narcissistic...they externalize everything, nothing is ever their fault.

[@TheUltimateLauren]

Dr. Deloney I only discovered you this week but I am such a fan so far. I suffer from OCD and have been in therapy for it since high school (22 years). Ive been to many therapists, nobody seems as genuine as you. You are wonderful, practical, and caring! I have been in a very helpful CBT program for a bunch of years now and I have made a lot of progress, with the help of books and a lovely therapist...but you just seem so easy to talk to. Keep being amazing!

[@factitiously]

Oh man! Sometimes I think this guy gives the worst advice ever! Parents are allowed to tell their kids not to eat on the couch and then to eat on the couch themselves! Adults are allowed to eat on the couch because they don't drop everything everywhere and leave stains. I mean he's just making a whole bunch of assumptions about these people's lives, and is assuming a whole bunch of motives on the part of the wife, including that she's having an affair! That's so crazy to assume that! He literally knows nothing about them! I bet if you ask the wife what was going on, she would say that she goes off to travel for work and is exhausted when she gets home and her husband has the whole house a mess and isn't taking care of the kids properly, and when she gets home it's all on her shoulders.

[@jamesrussell1979]

Great advice 👍 brother..a divorce is only the answer..ITS A BAD ENVIRONMENT FOR HIS KIDS 👏....GOD BLESS FROM THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND

[@mcclaryo148]

Sounds like she is the bread winner and doesn’t like that dynamic.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Especially if she is also running the house, too, and the husband isn’t helping. He sort of comes across to me like he doesn’t help her too much, and that would be difficult

[@Dansyoung]

@@KatieLHall-fy1hw Does she want a husband or a wife?

[@JustActNormal]

Yup

[@DudeMuscle]

@@KatieLHall-fy1hw haha that’s your takeaway?

[@whitneyw.7919]

Because men were the two pple speaking on this call, I’m not surprised this was missed, but there are 2 sides to each story and this women is probably so tired and fed up that she disengaged to avoid outright anger/rage on display I wouldn’t be shocked if she’s having an affair, but what probably lays beneath it is that all the weight of everything is on her shoulders, then she comes home and the house is filthy and kids probably misbehaved and she has to be the “mean mom” to keep things on track.

[@sandrab.3538]

I hope this couple can rekindle some love and common goals. He sounds invested. Make some concrete common goals that include respect for each other and grace when needed.

[@doubleboy2388]

It won't happen. The guy has tried and tried. The woman chooses to be difficult and make things hard and awkward. No accountability whatsoever. All deflection. She is done. There is no fixing this

[@EGC-zi2mz]

There’s something about the caller that I don’t like … “she, she , she “ How about him? What is he doing? Or not doing ?

[@FrankS111]

She’s already having an affair. Document EVERYTHING. Get videos of her when she loses it and how she treats the kids. That’s your only hope in getting custody of these kids when the inevitable occurs.

[@bambicrandi]

As a mom, I am embarrassed for the women in this comment section defending her. Your house is not yours. It is your families. Yes, kids at time have different rules but to every delusional person who thinks they don’t crumb when they eat are childish. Everyone crumbs when they eat. Everyone. To say you’re above your children on that is just mind boggling. Put down the double standards y’all. Y’all dirtying up the couch too ya nasties. Yea children have different rules but they need to be logical or you’re just exerting power for whatever reason.

[@Mr.F1XIT]

She’s already emotionally left the relationship and she wants YOU to be the one to end it so she’s not “responsible” for it or it’s not “her fault”..I was in the same situation, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your sit down goes well for everyone’s sake.

[@SherryEllesson]

This poor guy sounds like the male version of The Devil Wears Prada. Everything has to be polished and perfected when She Who Must Be Obeyed (and still won't be happy) walks in the door. I feel for him and the kids, and hope he's able to separate most, if not all, of his family from the wife who doesn't want to be one (at least, not his).

[@JaxLittles]

I traveled recently and came home ultra annoyed with how little was done for the upkeep in the home. I work from home and though the home isnt spotless, I do daily cleaning tasks. My husband often doesnt realize how much I do on a daily basis because when he gets home Im finished with my tasks and start relaxing. So coming home and not seeing those tasks completed annoys me. HOWEVER, though I feel annoyed and upset with him... I give myself time to decompress and reflect on what im upset at. Im upset that i have an accumulation of tasks that I need to catch up on. My husband has his own set of chores. When he goes on travel, I do some of his tasks... but out of love and care because I dont want him to feel the way I do when I get home. Putting what I do as an expectation on him without directly telling him would be absolutely wrong

[@pr3modeling239]

I wish my wife thought like you... she does the dishes, she cooks most of the time, and she does the laundry. Once in a blue moon she'll do the shopping. I do everything else. And not only that, but I'm supposed to get up and help her with whatever she might be doing. And all I hear about is it isn't enough . It isn't enough. I need more help. And that's why I don't want to have sex with you, because you don't do anything around here...

[@williamkelley4724]

Spot on as usual Dr. John

[@pompommania]

I find it sad that so many good women and men marry terrible spouses. I hope that one day they find good partners.

[@Veracityseeker7]

It seems to be more the norm 😢

[@nikilori2488]

Exactly! Single life looks better and better these days.

[@foardhook]

Its because people are gutless. Both men and woman know who they a marring and having kids with, or at least they bloody well should. I have zero sympathy for any of them. he needs to bust out of there and take the kids to save them from this monster. She is unfit to be a mother.

[@jennifert2953]

I'm sorry friend. I hope things get better.

[@texasgina]

Hmmm I wonder if she's seeing someone else and she wants her husband to make the decision to split up

[@emilyh6293]

@user-qz4ji7dw3b - No, we don’t “all know” that. You’re bringing that from your own experience.

[@wolfpackwarriors]

@@emilyh6293 no as a man we do know

[@emilyh6293]

@user-qz4ji7dw3b - 1. How am I wrong “again” when I said something ONCE; 2. Why are you assuming I’m trying to shame you? We all bring bias to these comments

[@emilyh6293]

@@wolfpackwarriors - 😂 A man with a bad chip in his shoulder?

[@wolfpackwarriors]

@@emilyh6293 hey call it what you want it’s so funny that when ppl are wrong they try to attack your character😂I’ve done my due diligence as a man I take care of mine

[@M4MLiving]

what a good man... she doesnt know how lucky she is

[@Gooseman44]

I just got done getting an hour of degrading and name calling. This call resonated with me. I clean more than ever, and the second thing she commented on after being gone all day, was how much dog hair there was. She then went on to tell me that she makes all the difficult decisions every day. The choice to sleep next to me and wake up next to me being the toughest. In front of my 3 year old.😢

[@BigEvan96]

She will always find something to nag about. Either stick it out until your kid is 18 or if you can endure the pain and struggle of divorce, initiate one.

[@foardhook]

Don't be gutless. Stand up or leave never lie down. I have no sympathy for these men. That is what dating is for. As soon as you see they are nuts RUN! But no these gutless wonders marry them and worse still have kids with them then whine that they are awful people. Grow a backbone and stand up! Be a man!

[@zenlife321]

I really struggle when parents say …I don’t want to deal with the mess because of my kids. News alert …your kids feel and know about the mess. If only we could teach people you aren’t protecting your kids, if they are in a dysfunctional home. The only chance they have, is to shine light into the dark and hope that light wins.

[@Veracityseeker7]

Right and kids are just naturally messy. It is a parent's job to train them up to not be messy. Messes are just a part of life.

[@casskicker6824]

"Yeah, they already know" HAD ME SCREAMING! YOUR KIDS KNOW. THEY ALWAYS KNOW!!

[@lizzy5812]

This is why I dont want kids and I dont appreciate people pushing me to have them. This woman sounds like a resented mom. She only gets to live the life she always wanted when she is out. So she hates herself when she is home and takes it out on the others. Never pressure women to have children. Kids will be the ones to suffer 😢.

[@DannaShaffer]

It might not be adultery, she may have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. (Not OCD, different thing.) Because that’s what living with someone who has it is like. Nothing is right or good enough or clean enough and criticism is more of their words to you than actual conversations. And they make strict rules -not just for the kids, for everyone in the home, but doesn’t mean they follow them. And those can change arbitrarily.