How Aware Versus Oblivious Is The Narcissist?

Do narcissists know how inappropriate they are? Dr. Les Carter says the answer is "yes, but." At some level they illustrate self-awareness as evidenced by their secrecy and evasiveness. But, their pervasive rationalizations are so overpowering, they lose sight of truth. Whether they are aware or not, your task is to know who you are dealing with.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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[@michaelmorrison6540]

Absolutely no accountability, integrity, responsibility, morality, maturity, etc… just the “blame game”.

[@Anonymous-gn3ly]

If you try holding them accountable, they say YOU have a problem with authority.

[@chrisoys2746]

⁠Your right they wish to dress it in that simplicity . They don’t account for the fact that I am averse to them trying to make me believe they are an oil painting , when in reality just a watercolor paint by numbers.

[@RippleDrop.]

Indeed

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

Exactly you hit nail on head with mil. It's never her and blames everyone else. It's like she wants subservience and control. She isn't getting either from me. Husband knows how I feel . She can stay up there away from me and husband can go visit her up at her house. She's going on 74.

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! !🙌❤🥹

[@douaa1934]

They pretend to be oblivious

[@Cod12Osc]

Pretend is a good way to describe their oblivion. After all, they pretend at a lot things

[@reneegardner2286]

Exactly, it's all a charade

[@carolnahigian9518]

they are always in " game Player"" mode; Eeeeeeek

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! !🙌❤🥹

[@miraclehands9040]

They pretend to be innocent and also they play dumb.

[@yukio_saito]

"Whether they are aware or not, your task is to know who you are dealing with." 🎯🎯🎯

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

🎯 Agreed.. Does it matter if its deliberate vs incompetent ? If they are unwilling to change/listen, the results will be the same for you either way.... 🤕❤‍🩹

[@lauracoussens6207]

Professionals all will tell you they are 100% aware. How else can they go against the grain so often. In their minds, they see situations and they use their free will to react to circumstances to their own benefit while at the same time demeaning their supply person.

[@Cod12Osc]

Yes, that way you don't react in a negative way towards them....

[@roxymovie3938]

I think your task is above all to know who you are because this is your best protection to not become a target of them.

[@Cod12Osc]

@@PantaRhei-wz5zn SO TRUE

[@thuurmichels763]

They know what they do (Aware), but don't care about the consequences. (Oblivious)

[@yukio_saito]

Well put 🎯

[@roxymovie3938]

👏👏👏

[@angelawade1445]

This clarified things and makes sense. Thank you

[@cheriem432]

Well said, except that I don't believe that they are oblivious; I believe that they relish the resulting hurt that they know they cause. My mother, for example, seemed to thrive on the abuse she heaped on me.

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! !🙌❤🥹

[@michellepurcell8703]

Talking to a wall gets more sense and honesty than a narcissist

[@roxymovie3938]

😁😂🤣

[@GrubbySalad]

The wall echoes back

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

Yes.

[@fred.k9875]

They are unaware of their own shortcomings, but aware of our shortcomings that would feed them.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Exactly. Reminds of of that good ol saying (Before you judge me, make sure you are perfect). They only see your mistakes & can't even see their own. They want to dig out the splinter from eye when actually, they have a log in their own eye 😮😮😮😮😮

[@Rom8.9_8.14]

​@@teresadvorak6145 that is because they are of their father the devil. Not only are they being deceitful, but they are attempting to prevent Christians from doing their proper work before God. Because satan and his fallen angels have lost their heavenly and spiritual rewards, so they also want to cause us loss of our rewards that we receive, both now and in the future. And they absolutely are aware of what they have lost, and of their sin that caused the loss, as sometimes they brag on their wayward ways. They just don't want us getting what they have lost. And in the same way, as former spouses don't want others to get us, (they don't want our happiness after all the work they did to destroy it) they will lie and deceive others about us to accomplish not only that, but also the destruction of the would be faith of others who would benefit from our Godly labors, thus the reputation destruction activity that is SO prevalent these days especially. I also believe that is why so many wolves in sheep's clothing are in the churches. Because for every position filled by them, that is a position that (in that place, only) cannot be filled by a Christian for the benefit of others and for our own rewards. And satan does love to mock.

[@elcee7800]

They are so messed up in every way shape and form. They officially made narcissist a new species.

[@barbarabagatin8962]

Lol true!

[@miraclesforus]

A demonically infested meat suit..

[@lorihoop3831]

They are not human. They are evil beings walking around in human bodies

[@happyday3368]

Certainly feels that way! Their behavior truly is beyond the pale.

[@mariaawake4502]

Narcissists are hypervigilant and super aware of their surroundings, always looking for any morsel of narcissistic supply. They do not care how their actions affect anybody else, unless more supply could be generated later.

[@TargttdGma]

Absolutely. The wheels always turn as they sulk silently. It is destructively selfish, Evil minds - not a simple dis-order. Yes, they consciously hide their true core ... w/humor, often. They LIVE an empty lie.

[@mariaawake4502]

@@TargttdGma , yes the great sulk, I know it all to well. In his attempt to isolate his spouse the aging narcissist isolated himself . Maybe pathetic old narcissists should stand on the street corner panhandling for narcissistic supply ( This is a joke, of course).

[@TargttdGma]

@@mariaawake4502 The frustration to me is they are spineless cowards who run fast away from even little WORDS. They are sickening weaklings who are acutely hateful posers. Mine now has SPECIAL relationship w/our daughter, who tortured & kilked her own infant throughout her 60 days alive. Only she & her non-husband, OTHER baby daddy were home. Delib break of top leg b0 ne - to see what that felt like, I guess. 60-days old?!?! Never arrestes?! Uncle had very pwrful dc job. That appears to have mattered.

[@Bianca-sw5id]

Doesn't it make you so fed up how they are allowed to be doing what do when look for narcissististic supply , that there's no watch over them doing it in public places and people notice that they are being abusive and they don't report it to security at public places when it's happening under their noses and it's not not easy to notice when you work in frontline jobs

[@mariaawake4502]

@@Bianca-sw5id , yes frontline workers have to deal not only with their rudeness, but also with other attention seeking behaviors and mind games. It is important not to get baited and to understand narcissism. Calling security would probably give them more narc supply, because they can play calm and reasonable very well.

[@yukio_saito]

I'm not sure, but I believe they know when and where to be inappropriate. 😦

[@caroleminke6116]

Hitting your wife in public versus in private 🤦‍♀️

[@crystalmorrison1539]

ABSOLUTELY, They know

[@cheriem432]

Excellent example - I didn't even know my mother was a narc until I got a little older. When I was young I would have a friend sleep over, and she was as sweet as possible. As I got older, it started coming out. She could be merciless.

[@bellalugosi1042]

Behind closed doors...

[@yukio_saito]

@@bellalugosi1042 For sure.

[@susansheldon2707]

Anyone who knows what behaviors to stifle and hide when people important to them are around, while only showing their true ugly selves in private toward their scapegoat, knows full well that what they're doing in private is hurtful, wrong, shameful and socially unacceptable.

[@crystalmorrison1539]

I'm a scapegoat

[@susansheldon2707]

@@crystalmorrison1539 Well, you're in the right place to learn how to deal with that and how to respond to narcissistic abuse. I've been a number of narcs' scapegoats for decades, but I don't respond as a scapegoat. I respond as the person who owns my own life and the one who gets to say who I am. I don't let anyone do that for me. Best wishes toward the same.

[@snowbear1877]

Me too ​@@crystalmorrison1539

[@angelawade1445]

Well stated.

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! !🙌❤🥹

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

I stopped caring whether they are aware or not, I just don’t want to have anything to do with them. Thank you dr Carter 😊 God bless you ❤

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Prepare to lock yourself in a cave because the world is 99 percent Narcissist

[@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht]

I've picked up on they love company and always want someone or others around them and they envy us because we are like hell no aloneeeee ahhhhhh.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Either way, they just don't care as long as they are NOTICED!!!

[@BaraSchmidt]

OMG, Yes!! Thank you 🙏🏻!

[@LiveforHim73]

For sure! He doesn’t care what any of us have to say. It’s like he didn’t even hear us. He’s thinking of what he has to say next. Selfconsumed!

[@aaronkwolfe]

IMO, they are aware of what they care about (ways/reasons to target). The sad truth is they just don’t care about other people and their wants/needs/hurts, etc.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Will likely miss this premiere, as I’ll be traveling to Philly for a 3 day conference. But jokes are pre-loaded, needing only to switch from private to public.

[@Ellen-Seeker-of-Truth]

Having grown up in a cultish very Narcissistic family system I'd have to say, 1000% without a doubt, at least in my situation

[@RobertEsparza-zc2ou]

Howdy, cool Aaron, you is going up the road, be cool, I will check your comments later, gator after while crocodile, Linda in Texas, please keep, the good questions coming, I need my go team healthy, and I need to be filled with you folks good thoughts of being cool, yea buddy, later gator

[@t_nels]

Agree

[@snowbear1877]

When their behaviour is over the top they blame shift by saying that you drove them to it.

[@mireadossantos4610]

I hear that all the time.

[@janinetollot209]

100% correct

[@maureenkasischke7864]

They can pretend to care about you when they want something. So DEFENSIVE when confronted

[@keegsmum]

Bingo!

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

They DO NOT CARE… they pretend here and there that they care and that they want to change but then the next hour or so it’s flipped….. it’s all a game. Thank you from JANESVILLE, WI

[@El_Peto]

Cute photograph

[@mireadossantos4610]

They really don't care! They pretend to care and if you love you don't hurt ( that's what I think) . One thing that annoys me the most is after an argument ( with insults included ) their guts to ask you if you would like a hug or a kiss. That drives me crazy! Before I used to accept it to avoid more drama now I just say " I don't feel like it". Nothing is natural and real. They're pathetic, annoying and false and they know exactly how to hurt you ( I've heard that many times) . So sad that we got trapped by their charm.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

@@mireadossantos4610 God bless you and know that you are so so valuable to him, and to many of us here who don’t even know you.

[@cheriem432]

Hi, JANESVILLE! I was there for a job interview. Is it still the home of Bic pens?

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

@@cheriem432 haaaahaaaaaa…… Oh, I totally know what you mean the home of the Bic pens. God bless you Inn- Janesville it’s a great area to live a hop skip and a jump from so so many things and stores.

[@Mom-277]

They are secretive, then when caught, they don't say anything in hopes that the incident will pass. Unfortunately, they have crossed my boundary for the last time ..which I confess I am at fault in letting it go on too long.

[@Blackcatsrlucky]

They start to believe their own lies...its very odd

[@tombuddy100]

Yes, they stay juvenile, like rebellious teenagers, but those who seem to have stopped learning and pondering life, despite many years that have gone by.

[@Cod12Osc]

THEY ARE VERY VERY AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE DOING..... when they can sit there, knowing there actions (or lack there of) are contributing to problems that could easily be resolved, or they are happy (they take pride and show they're happy while they know they are hurting you....they smirk, mock, for months to a year and then discard you as their wife.....YES THEY ARE VERY AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE DOING.... VERY AWARE

[@t_nels]

Agree

[@Mr_X753]

It took me years to figure out this is what was going on with the narc in my past life. How could someone be so self-involved yet appear to lack self awareness? It eventually clicked and I finally understood all of the chaos was deliberately created to attract attention and make them look like the only one who was smart enough to make sense of the world.

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s about power

[@Barbarashli]

Spot on. Creating chaos at every turn which is so obvious . If it weren't so pathetic it would be laughable. At least they're predictable

[@MarianMurphy-rz8ej]

Vanity hardens the heart of men. One should always humble themselves and that’s a choice. But it seems the false self builds itself on the acquisition of things that are exterior. They have an external locus of control. The more knowledge acquired the more inflated they become in their estimation of self and the surrounding culture encourages them to do so. Young people feel vain because they suppose it is superior than to be older. And elders think they know much more than the young and that makes them arrogant and conceited in another way. And unless a person is careful and vigilant it can be very easy to become invested in such fixed identities and use these things as a foundation for ones ego and for their sense of self esteem. Humility is a choice and requires eternal commitment and vigilance. It’s the wiser choice. However people seem to go the other route en masse. And really it has little to do with the objective qualities of the person themselves.

[@lt827]

"Self deception pattern has been building since age three". In my older sister's case, I'll bet the back forty that it was even sooner than that. She is only 13 months older than me and has hated me since the day I came home from the hospital according to my parents.

[@caroleminke6116]

Remember that mother is the first person they’re trying to deceive & control

[@lt827]

@@caroleminke6116Our mother was also narcissistic, so she set a fine example for my sister.

[@antonjw]

Pretty sure this is true of my brother, too. In his case, the age 3 marker is bang on. As I've been recalling things that were not right, it goes way back down the years. You realise there is real needle behind the competitiveness and some of the things which were said; and how they were said. How oppositional the put-downs always were, how manipulative the orchestrations always were. How envious of your life the interventions always were. This is what led me to think that it all goes back to the moment I was born. Not much you can do about that when the narcissist is so deeply dishonest with themselves to their very core.

[@ValerieSue]

Same here. My sister is 16 months older than me. She is the Golden Child, I am the scapegoat. Since my mom passed away 9 years ago, my sister and my dad have totally abandoned me. They lie and connive to make me look and feel like I’m the crazy one. They even tried to convince my daughter. Fortunately she sees through their games and she knows I speak the truth. I actually found out why my dad has pretended his whole life to be something that he is not. It is shocking! I think I could fill one or maybe two seasons of Dr. Phil 😂😂

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! !🙌❤🥹

[@LiveforHim73]

Aware of what he does but pretending not too! Says, “What have I done wrong?” Don’t take the bait. He will list all he’s done right according to him. Done his way or highway!

[@Teacher369]

They are pretty oblivious. After all she has done to me, my sociopathic sister is still finding ways to insult me. Really?!!!

[@Ellen-Seeker-of-Truth]

Mine too and my mother 😔 double whammy 😢

[@blinkyy1088]

Narcissists are fueled by emotions, negative emotions are perfectly fine for them. They'll happily insult you if it leads into an argument that feeds them more narcissistic supply

[@cheriem432]

I also have a narcissistic older brother, and it took me ages to realize that he is. Now that I can see him through a narcissistic lens, as it were, his behavior toward me makes much more sense. At this point and for many years now, he has disowned me and turned his family against me. God only knows what lies he has repeatedly told them about me. I'm sorry to lose my older brother, but much more at peace.

[@lauracoussens6207]

Professionals all will tell you they are 100% aware. How else can they go against the grain so often. In their minds, they see situations and they use their free will to react to circumstances to their own benefit while at the same time demeaning their supply person.

[@sylvanascott1166]

Their favourite saying is you don’t know me, especially when you tell them about something they did wrong.

[@jeffreypmitchell]

If they pretend to care it is all guilt. Guilt is extremely bad for any relationship. Walk away. Go no contact.

[@t_nels]

Or for optics and a set up

[@t_nels]

I feltt they had no guilty feelings until today! I broke down today due to a situation I witnessed mirroring mine. When I said what I was must upset about regarding that situation they became angry and reactive. Thank you for your comment. It has given me more proof that there is another cause.

[@mireadossantos4610]

I don't think they feel guilty about anything

[@weronikaasomsson2404]

👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! !🙌❤🥹

[@jamaalhorton2343]

The guilt is from losing supply or satisfaction!!! They don’t care about you!

[@terrykafka6631]

You are a beautiful person, Dr. Carter. Much love to you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Love received, with gratitude.

[@anneyoung2310]

They know what they do, but I don't think most of them know what they are.

[@alecstuart5266]

Thank you Dr. C. This world needs many more Dr. C's for the sake of humanity.

[@t_nels]

Yes!

[@rebeccacory7945]

AMEN!!! Bless you & thank you, Dr. C!!!! ❤️🙏🏻❤️

[@AndeThompson-ex6sv]

I had never heard of narcissism. People need to be educated. Thanks, Dr.C!

[@i.l.9546]

An ex told me in the beginning 'sometimes I might be an a hole there is something in me I cant control so please dont see me that way this isnt me'. My mother when I told her how terrible a person she is said 'thats not how I want to be' . But then she continued with what she didn't want to be. So to me it actually makes no difference bc I feel uncomfortable being around someone who is evil in his brain even if its the unconciuos Part of his brain. The evilness finally always takes over.

[@OneofMany-yt5sl]

Especially when they won't get psychological counseling/therapy even when begged, and they can afford it.

[@mariaawake4502]

@@OneofMany-yt5sl , narcs do not see any reason to seek therapy , because they think that are all knowing.

[@snowbear1877]

They believe there's nothing wrong with them.

[@angelawade1445]

Amen to that. Do you set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[@diane19456]

Hi My 81 year old narc is claiming that 60 years ago (after he dumped me for another girl) that I had a sexual triste (1964) and because I am denying it, he is going to divorce me if I don't take a polygraph test to prove myself!!!!!! I said ok and four times I was proud to take the test BUT he cancelled it!! So I told him I would agree as long as he sought help from a psychiatrist! He refuses and ever so often, he explodes at me with horrible accusations about my character. He has done this before (accused me of infidelity with his best friend) tormented me for years until he finally admitted he over reacted!!!! We have no friends because of his awful personality problems! At this age, I am focused on my disabled daughter and my married daughter......not his mental issues. Today, you precisely described him!!! Your videos have saved my sanity....he had convinced me I was the problem. I will not let him steal the joy out of another second! Thanks for giving me back my inner strength.

[@johnbundy4505]

Cancer of the spirit

[@I.M.SofaKingdom]

Very good observation.

[@LiveforHim73]

Very aware of past history and covers it up. Does not want his grown kids to know his past.

[@michelepascoe6068]

This is so helpful for understanding how a narcissistic parent can scapegoat a child and not feel guilty about their cruelty and injustice. Rationalisation gone crazy.

[@einahsirro1488]

It doesn't sound like they are SELF aware... they are just AWARE. They are aware that certain acts will be regarded negatively, so they try to conceal them, but they don't hold themselves to objective standards. I think that's what self awareness is, the ability to see yourself just as you see others, and you need an objective framework to do that. For them, the standards are subjective, and the rule is that whatever benefits them is good.

[@kevinjohnson7418]

Simple : they know when and where to turn on and off their manipulative games. Read that again. 100 percent aware.

[@rossanderson5243]

The way they want to be perceived is called their persona. Regular people have a healthy persona because they analysed what is going on inside to get along with others in a good way that has a feeling of freedom.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make so much sense, Ross.

[@LiveforHim73]

Freedom is the word when our relationships with family and friends is healthy, loving, respectful! Narcissist create jails for others and themselves. You take the bait, you’re locked in. That’s what they strive to do. Don’t give them the key to your life.

[@caroleminke6116]

I believe that they are aware of their deep pathology but are unwilling to confront it from my past experience with parents who were both only children of older mothers who didn’t want them. It’s impossible for them to introspect consistently or face their problems honestly. In my present life I see that this is the norm in our narcissistic culture & fooling people is now acceptable as a mode of life. It’s a sick as well as sad society

[@captainmol0]

My husband has admitted to lacking empathy, “I just can’t conjure that up.” He also once said to me “I know I have injured you (he was talking about emotional injury) but I’m not going to change.” That tells me that he has enough awareness to be held accountable.

[@dave623]

I’m going for mostly oblivious.

[@sallykoeth6598]

To self consumed to see other ppl

[@patg.7192]

So they're partially aware, similar to someone with dementia. Then, they should be medically and legally be considered incompetent. They are so destructive Someone with dementia would be steered towards treatment, sometimes without their consent!

[@susannakotoff7095]

mentally ill

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s worse than dementia because it’s pathological

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

It is their PRIDE

[@caroleminke6116]

Pride is the glass ceiling they hit below the beginning of self awareness called courage in Dr David Hawkins table of enlightenment

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

@@caroleminke6116 How do I pray that the veil of our loved ones will be strict so that they repent and see clearly in Jesus name.

[@mosher121]

No desire to build on anything meaningful in life ... kind of think that might be what us ordered people miss. It's hard to fathom someone just not having any desire to engage in meaningful activity. And with the covert ones, there's a front that looks very meaningful.

[@2302PeaHeal]

Yes Dr. C, ✌🏾☮️ for you and Gus 🐶 too.

[@justwatching1985]

Dr. Ramani highlighted this in a video: they can switch their behavior on an off. Like in social gatherings when they have to wear the mask. But as soon as they are alone with you, the toxicity comes back. I do believe that they exactly know what they do as I had a lot of narcissistic „friends“ in my life who admitted the thought process underlying their actions. One said: I need to go on dating this girl cause I get free tennis lessons and the other one I need for the discounts I get in the shop where she is working. He saw nothing wrong with it, but he knew very well that it was not morally okay. They know the rules by which a society functions, but consciously choose not to follow them.

[@rwdchannel2901]

When I was a child, my narcissistic father told me he was a E-6(Petty Officer First Class) in the US Navy. Now that my father is in his 80's he told me he was an E-7(Chief Petty Officer) in the US Navy. He told me when I was a kid he couldn't make E-7 because he had punched an officer, and all the other sailors with cleaner records would get the E-7 job. His narcissism has gotten a lot worse as he aged. I don't even talk to him anymore because his narcissism is unbearable. He was divorced 3 times and has 8 children. Most of his children don't talk to him. Almost all his former friends are now his enemies after he did something to upset them.

[@gaynorsmith4706]

What happens when they lose you and they realise . Can they ever realise? When you’ve given them everything? It’s sad when you love them and you can’t seem to get over them even when you see how much they hurt you

[@teresadvorak6145]

That happens with siblings too😢😮😮

[@nickijames5122]

They know darn well what they’re doing, the impact on those around them but they don’t give a 🤬 I’m dealing with the silent treatment … for the umpteenth time over 30 years. Never a justifiable reason. It’s impacting our young adult sons moreso now. He is using blackmail on them. You just can’t have a normal discussion or convo with him without coming off worse. He ruined our elder son’s birthday yesterday. Not surprising his behaviour has impacted both their moods, not to mention him triggering my panic and anxiety disorder years ago 😖

[@Cod12Osc]

The incident the counselor just explained, unhealthy people will set some people up for failure by setting them up for reactive abuse.....not that I am implying it is a right or healthy reaction, but some are set up for failure deliberately so they can be shamed and humiliated, and to make the one reacting look like they are the problem, when some are not aware, the person reacting negatively has been mentally abused in a VERY covered fashion

[@winterhomestead]

Im married to one..15 years later.. Now he starts up..i walk away.. No one to argue with..but im always doing something wrong..your video popped up when to know to when it's over..it checked every box..we were moving..getting a stove out of the truck..he was upset threw the stove toward me..i caught it out of reaction.. hit my leg cut it all the way down..the bruises ended up very dark..No Apology at all..i dont know what to do

[@Hatbox948]

Find a way out! My nex is like that and it ended up with me having to have my scalp stapled back together.

[@mariaawake4502]

This is getting dangerous . Mind games and intrigues are one thing, but do not tolerate physical harm.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Get out. Get away,that's a HUGE RED FLAG for U. He's showing U who he is. It will only get worse & more dangerous now. If U decide to stay & think it will change, then mark my words! God bless U & keep U safe😢😢😢

[@sonjamccart1269]

Totally oblivious. I ignore it, but it is stressful. Will be thankful to be out in 5 weeks.

[@SkillfulScott]

Knowledge is power

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Good part of failed relationships is you can look back and see which part you played(Self Awareness). What you need to change about yourself so the mistakes you made don't repeat themselves (self-actualization).

[@BushcraftQuebec]

I have anger management issues . It's hard to deal with narcissists

[@mariaawake4502]

Have confidence, the more you learn about narcissism, the easier it get to avoid the pit falls but it takes some patience and a lot of self awareness. Best wishes. 🌼🌻✨

[@stephaniekareotes1977]

THANK YOU SO MUCH DR CARTER!!! YOU EXPLAINED THIS SO PERFECTLY!!! YES, IT'S MY MOTHER😊

[@loriosterweil982]

It’s simple. They won’t take responsibility.

[@Hatbox948]

We'd all like to know this.

[@c.p.507]

12:01 Who else loves Dr. C's "hmmm...yeahh" or "hmmm...nahhh" moments?😅🤣😂 They make me hit rewind every time, so real & so sad yet so funny & so true at the same time.

[@kathleenstoin671]

Theres also a selectiveness to the way they treat people. My husband treated me terribly while being nice as pie to everyone else. That is indicative of being aware of their actions toward their victims.

[@luffypupperstien2706]

I think they’re aware but don’t care what you think how you feel because if you are their chosen worthless person you don’t deserve the better version of themselves. What they aren’t aware of is how you dislike their fake self too.

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

You get to the point of - mirroring them by going about your business & flat out ignoring them ! Don’t look their way for anything . They are constantly doing things to take your attention away from anything your doing

[@lesliesavage9229]

This is a sad existence. I hadn't realized it was that bad.

[@TargttdGma]

They are so hollow it is pitiful, but too destructively evil to pity.

[@anonymouscm7270]

Hello Dr. C., Gus and Team Healthy, How I wish I had come across these insightful videos two decades ago as a young budding professional with financial freedom and independence! But, Team Healthy had lessons to learn probably I suppose! I also hope these insightful videos should reach the students especially middle school and higher education including colleges and universities, the budding professionals, young people thinking of loving relationships, parents, caregivers, all walks of society so that it becomes a wake up call for non-toxic people and they become aware of the facts and figures that toxic people bring to the table and how it is impacting and impairing lives and livelihoods, societies of the world in general and as a whole, isn't it🤔many thanks🙏🌷🕊💝🤗

[@lisaroy551]

Insistent rationalization and oblivion is so so very familiar to me.

[@kellyallison3548]

Narcissists are the adversary of g-d. You will understand what good is after being in their clutches.

[@angelawade1445]

So if someone decides to do bad things over and over again until they don't even realize what they are doing, they become oblivious to their behavior. Our responsibility to them is what?

[@Jav-in-G-likedandsubbed]

our responsibility is to get as far away from them as possible and never look back.

[@user-zp1sr8kn6k]

​@@Jav-in-G-likedandsubbedYes, run away as fast as you can.

[@teresadvorak6145]

ZERO!!!!! 😢😮 RUN FAST😮❤❤❤

[@philiphutchinson2362]

I think the question of if they’re aware or not isn’t the issue. That’s based on your own value and ethics. Our own value and ethics.They are neither aware or unaware. They just are. The issue for anyone trying to live a normal life under the grip of anyone with NPD, especially parents, is trying to rationalise their own views vs the narcissists control. I drive on the left, if I go to Europe I drive on the right. It’s apples and onions. We can’t win a game whose rules we didn’t invent, nor can we be held accountable for mistakes made for problems we didn’t cause.

[@yukio_saito]

The more aware they are of their inappropriateness, the more they deceive themselves. 😦

[@roxymovie3938]

Guess, you are right, Yukio 🙏

[@cheriem432]

True, but they also feed of it. At least, my mother did.

[@alenakasvinski3244]

This has been a primary question of mine since discovering narcissism as a condition. I’m so glad you addressed this, Dr. C! It makes more sense now. You’ve helped me through my recovery to date, and I so appreciate you!

[@PrincessCashmonie]

My main man is back like he never left!

[@mtc-j9i]

They believe what they want to believe to such an extreme that it feels like they live on another planet. Growing up, I watched my mom “tell herself stories” (that’s what I always called it in my mind) - and she’d say them aloud to everyone around her, constantly talking, constantly retelling the same stories, endlessly repeating evolving versions of events until she got them right. The objective of those stories was always to paint herself as an excellent and sacrificial mother, or a saintly wife, or a an amazing worker, or the best (fill in the blank), or the biggest victim of injustice. I had the sense she was convincing herself as well as everyone around her of her version of events. I always knew there were key details she would leave out of her stories that might change people’s perspective of her. This was all intuitive for me even as a kid. I thought everyone else could see it too, and they were just being long suffering with her like I was!!!! But they can’t!!! Unfortunately, I kept her in my life, poisoning the minds of everyone around me. People believe all her stories word for word. She did this incessantly up to the moment I cut her off. She is aware of what she does, but she has committed herself to the lies she tells and actively suppresses the truth. She has no peace. I pity her on the one hand, and that was always my downfall, but she is ruthless and has tried to destroy me several times. She goes for the kill and then she smears you cleverly by reciting her stories for everyone to hear. It’s very diabolical. People don’t even ask her questions she’s so good at it! She alienated my own brothers from me and from my dad by doing this patiently for years and years. That kind of diligence is superhuman. She’s patient and cold blooded. For my own mental and emotional safety, she is now cut off.

[@athalyerajan2823]

I am in a narcistic marriage for 30yr and cry at night every day waiting for this to end one way or another..... no respect no happiness slow dying every minute every day. All bcos I wanted to give it my all in the marriage....

[@crusherone628]

Dr. c you have opened my eyes so much over the last couple yrs. The biggest thing i realized is I can only control me. I grew up on a farm, if you wrestle with a pig long enough, you realize the pig likes it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be on the path with you!

[@LoneStarLady-]

Excellent episode, Dr. C. Thank you for the valuable insight and information. Too bad they spend so much time building their persona instead of doing the inner work they need to.

[@alectrona1613]

It seems to be both and whatever suits them best in the moment. My narc mother’s behaviour was baffling but the answers were in her own words - constantly labelled others as oblivious yet with her own incessant talking she was oblivious to the inappropriacy. She was also a master at picking her moments.

[@t_nels]

Great insight given here! Thank you Dr Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

I vote for oblivion along with Dr C, and getting intoxicated helps some of them do this, I believe. The awareness is a sense that something is not right, but of course it cannot be them.

[@ashb3117]

You are amazing at explaining this type of person. I feel delusional for wanting to discuss this with them, thinking they might want to change. Can't shake that feeling. Great work!

[@bkb2012]

Listening. It would appear that these types are entrenched, but I'm glad I tackled life's work head-on.

[@darinsmith2458]

I like the term mad.. That term to me means that you have lost your mind.. I think another way of saying the same thing is there is a difference between an angry person and a person who is angry.. When my dad died the priest said that I was going to get angry and I did but that past.. An angry person is someone who is angry all the time.. They have gone mad.. They have lost that awareness.. Every decision is base on anger/revenge/rage etc... The key awareness for me that I am still learning is that they want to be mad/angry.. Just think about that and see where it takes you..

[@barbsaenz8882]

Reminds me of Blade Runner, "How can it not know what it is?".

[@CoreyAWalton]

Thanks for this spot on video. I just went through every example given with my subhuman, less than 12 hours ago. She reached out only to twist the knife. And because she knows she's been exposed. Yeah! I want to share this video with her but that's probably pointless. And because of content like this, and therapy, and friends and family; I was able to say a lot of what was said here. Thanks for the reassurance.

[@JackieSuz917]

spot on Dr C! Thank you! i am realizing that my 'expectations' of thinking they would be concerned with anything i do, and the reality of knowing they do not, or cannot, express that which i expect. major breakthrough...so much easier to understand and not 'expect' them to be aware or care! i appreciate all your informational teachings!!

[@GK-qc5ry]

Interesting subject, always wondered this or if they were oblivious.

[@masterdaveedwards]

Open and honest receiving input, one of the hallmarks of a better life. The challenge is not to become discouraged and withdrawn when the oblivious Narc has tried to obliterate you. Lean into the man or woman you are, the you God made. We are not perfect, but we can know deep forgiveness. The good, the true, and the beautiful. Thanks Dr C it is good to reflect on life inside and out. It is so very brief and some days the pain can be so profound. Finding a little joy and hope along the way can keep us moving in the right direction. Jesus said, “ My peace I give unto you” in Him there is hope. Shalom

[@MeanEileen916]

Dealing with NPD is exhausting and stressful.

[@MT-tx7bu]

Sooner or later those oblivious reasonings become quite obvious. It's just a matter of time before they call themselves out. It might not be you who does it, but in time the things they are hiding from present themselves. As always, they find every excuse to warrant their behavior, but in the case of a family member of mine, they almost lost their job.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Thank you dr C for this precious video-lesson. Very clear. Consequently, truly helpful. Although narcissism it is a so-called continuum... You made us understand the essence. A very sad essence. In this moment... it is difficult for me accepting I can do nothing for them. Sometimes I'm angry mostly for what they did to me, devastation is the right term. Sometimes I'm angry mostly because I wasn't been able to understand the "wrong" I felt. I blamed myself, so I didn't block them adequately nor I managed defending myself, for decades, since my childhood (so, I'm angry with myself). Sometimes, much worse than all of the above, I can't accept that these people (parents, friends, ...) will go through all their life without even touch on a little crumb of life immense marvel. When I'm calm, when I'm ok, when I am in my place of peace... this reality is the one still hurting me. >> 💚 Thank you everyone for your patience with my poor English grammar

[@roxymovie3938]

Dear Lishma, I am very sorry to hear that you are in such a pain. I can relate to your feelings. The blame in such dynamics is like they are constantly putting a finger into your wound so that your self esteem gets less and less. Feeling angry about what they did and feeling sad about what they not did and that they will not change can be a real mess. And the loss of time that you did not recognize what was really happening to you all those years, which makes you also angry about yourself. There are so many different feelings that need to be processed. Take your time to process every feeling you feel. And start being mercy with yourself for it is your loss, your grief. It is about you and your inner peace, the freedom to take care about yourself. Sending you big hugs 🫂💛

[@lishmahlishmah]

@@roxymovie3938 Thank you Roxy 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Hope you are doing well 💐🌼💐🌼💐🌼💐🌼💐🌼💐🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿

[@cheeksmcgill9858]

So that self deception started at age 3, that is fascinating, I'm trying to think back to a sibling I am 5 years old than. He's has been an abusive narcissist since high school and he's 61 now. Every situation he both victim and bully. He was a rough child, not always difficult but more difficult than most children I'd ever been around. Both of my parents always over-inflated his ego, which only got worse with age as he was a better student than I and a sports star in anything he attempted. He bullied and picked on lots of people through his life. I went "No Contact" 5 years as the verbal, mental and threats of physical violence escalated toward my family.

[@Joy.1111]

This is profoundly accurate.

[@michelleharkness7549]

Thank you 😊: again; thank you 🙏😅( USA 🇺🇸)

[@justmontina]

14:14 I appreciate these videos so much because dealing with a narcissist without a plan can be very difficult. Yet, with well laid out plans, strategy, awareness, self-care, and support, we can get through it. For some, it’s difficult to go no contact, leave a spouse, never talk to a parent or deal with an angry boss. But, they don’t know they they’re narcissist and we do so, we have a clear pathway and plan on how to use what we know to our advantage!

[@user-we8ek7ku7d]

Narcissism is on a scale of severity from 0 to 10, and then you can get different types; (vulnerable/covert) to (grandiose/overt). Even without going in therapy a narcissist knows they have some behaviours that are toxic, but their desire to change is low, and their desire to mask is high. Along this narcissism severity scale you will get motivation of different narcissists to engage in understanding themselves. I have experienced a vulnerable narcissist who was very very subtle on that scale go into therapy and gain lots of insight into her behaviour. What I didn't see was a desire to change, and be someone better. Insight oriented therapies won't make much difference in behaviour change for someone who is narcissistic. Uncovering their motivations and challenging them on the consequences of their behaviour on others has a better chance, but there is probably going to be very little change.

[@suuzannahtegner4500]

Don't think I have met a narcissist with a sense of humour.......

[@RippleDrop.]

Interesting. My mom's a Narcissist and she has no sense of humour. Only thing that amuses her insulting and talking down on people.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Your right. No, they don't have any kind of a good natured sense of humor. They only laugh when when they do something dastardly to hurt someone 😮❤❤

[@bridgetmcbride6634]

Holy Toledo! This one was so impactful, Dr. C. I've wondered this for YEARS! Gonna have to watch this one a couple of times.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Bridget!

[@ronaldmcdonald3965]

Pretty good question. My adult cousin would grab, touch, pull, push his younger brother Well into late adulthood His sister told me her cousins on father side of family thought it was weird I told her that I thought it was weird but never said anything. I recall other cousins call him out; his response was "I just kidding around"; his other favorite is "I just joking around" His sister explained how far back this behavior goes When they were elementary school age, their mother had to take the younger brother out of their bunk bed and gave him a bed in his father study Because the older brother would never leave the younger brother along, and he could never get any sleep. Take away: Maybe understandable that as a little kid, he could not control himself or understand his mother when she told him to stop But way weird that he continues to late adulthood. It ended only when the younger brother passed away. I think my older cousin is willfully oblivious

[@miraclesforus]

It.s called EVIL and anyone allowing this is an enabler.

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

Someone is looking for a personal assistant! I can't believe it.😳

[@Earthether]

I offer Them to talk.. but the response I get is “ you cause me to act this way” or “you never listen so why talk?” Then I respond I will be silent let you talk.. and they resume to talk

[@user-nn3et4zz7o]

Thank You Dr.Carter It is so helpful to Listen all these videos in order to Better understand this topic

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome.