7 Signs Of An Oblivious, Clueless Narcissist

Being anchored in Alternate Reality, narcissists genuinely believe they are the model for appropriate living. But as Dr. Les Carter points out, they are oblivious to the ways they spread dysfunction. Your task is to see through their clueless mannerisms, remaining unhooked from the tensions they wish to draw you into.
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[@jcnlaw]

Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents on this excellent video. If you are not yet married, please take notes on this video. If you get a whiff of these unhealthy behaviors, DO NOT MARRY. Things never get better (often they get worse) and you will end up in divorce court. Stay safe. Live your best life. It is much better to be alone than to be with a narcissist.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What you say is very accurate, sir. Dr. C

[@jcnlaw]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you very much! Keep up the great work!

[@stephanybarber2623]

Learned this the hard way

[@mollybrewster288]

AMEN!

[@TheJennyg76]

So what to do when you’ve been married for 28 years & about to be the star in an episode of Snapped ! Probably come see you

[@olivermahon9509]

This strikes at the core heartbreak of dealing with and being tied to a narcissist: Too stupid to realize how stupid they are. Too unaware to realize the hurt they cause. Too unfixable to be worth the pain and effort.

[@cymbolichuman433]

It is frustrating. Believe in yourself and don't allow someone to influence your original perceptions.

[@trollbbqer1267]

👍Perfectly stated! 4+ years married to a narcissist and I agree with your three statements of facts 100%!✌

[@KK-lw5cb]

I think it's not about their IQ, it's the deflected image of reality and self lying that make them mindless and illogical , the tendency to not take responsibility for their action requires stopping the mind from normal processing of behaviour

[@parajacks4]

@@KK-lw5cb Their brains have been hijacked by so many irrational thoughts that they’ve lost the ability to think clearly. Their minds should be considered as unfixable and broken beyond repair, so don’t even try.

[@ylarrymore]

My dad!

[@babym7484]

It reaches a point where you're about to address the same issue for the 100th time and then it hits you... you just close your mouth and walk away 🤐

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly. It's not likely to change when you address again the 101st time. Dr. C

[@thatgirlcocoa]

Exactly. Just walk away.

[@mqua4610]

Oh wow! You have exactly condensed how to deal with this problem with the narcissist! I never know if the Narcissist has absorbed what I just said. I look into the Narcissist’s eyes and get the feeling that I didn’t get through. So I repeat. Normal people would say, “yes, I heard you, understand etc…” or similar, or be upset that you’re treating them like a child. But narcissists don’t hear you, so they don’t absorb what you say. Baby M, you are exactly right on handling the situation, “…close your mouth and walk away.”

[@valerieobrien5521]

I always find these videos positive and helpful, This gentleman tells it how it is with understanding , knowledge and wisdom.

[@valerieobrien5521]

This is exactly what I've concluded with a certain friend who is dismissive and always attempts to invalidate what I have to say. He definitely is an oblivious narcissist. He always wants the last word. Naturally although we talk on the phone and he lives nearby, I tent to keep away.

[@OctaviusAugustus71]

I am literally living through the realization that I am married to a narcissist for the past 16 years! Your videos are saving me from insanity!

[@jameschild1321]

The truth is difficult, but never too late...🙏

[@teresak6463]

I’m sending you love and strength! 24 years with covert narcissist. If it wasn’t for Dr les videos I’d still be there! I’m on my own ! I live in a new state with my own home! Life can be such a beautiful place! I hope soon you can see how better life can be! I’m rooting for you!!😘😘

[@OctaviusAugustus71]

@@teresak6463 Thank you for your comment. Looks like I am headed in that direction as well.

[@teresak6463]

@@OctaviusAugustus71 I’m happy for you! I know it seems rough, but the way we lived our lives with them was rougher! Embrace your journey my friend! The good the bad and the ugly! If you have the opportunity to get counseling or support group then do! It’ll benefit your journey. I have C-PTSD and if it wasn’t for my Dr in California asking good questions and making me think for myself I don’t think I’d be where I am now. You’re going to learn so many new things about yourself. I know this is such a devastating time/situation but from the bottom of my heart I’m very excited for your new path! Please know I will be sending you love and strength EVERYDAY!! If you ever need support I’m here! 😘

[@skfotedar]

My condolences

[@ParadiseLoading]

This is so spot on. Years of gaslighting had me thinking I was 100% at fault for our relationship issues, but thankfully I understand better now!

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

Likewise! Especially in today’s environment...

[@jilljohnson2457]

Yes so many years of gaslighting!!

[@kimberlysmith7311]

👍for you!!!!

[@HeatherDMorris]

Yes it makes you feel like a mean destructive person but you never used to be until you met them huh!

[@kimberlysmith7311]

@@HeatherDMorris yes yes, after years of abusive language and me not firing back, the 1st time I fired back I actually put it like this, How would YOU FEEL, if I said you are bleep bleep bleep, lmao, and e enrually I called him names back and became someone I didn't like all the way around, but that was back then, I have grown alot since then, it took time away from him and being true to me. Things still aren't perfect but at least I don't argue with him, and don't act like that anymore. Sometimes you ha e to just get away from them even if it's stay away in same house, just stay away, Grey rock, over time you will get your true self all the way back. You will never WIN with then because winning is everything to them, bei g right, being in control, Just be true to you, dear ♥

[@truthwarrior122]

A narcissist said they were going to feed me one kernel of rice, so I took it with a grain of salt.

[@shelley7975]

This was so on point. It doesn't matter how many different ways you try to get through to them, it bounces off their empty, clueless heads. They are not interested in understanding anyone, not even themselves. It's validating to know I'm not the crazy one, and that it's pointless to even try to get understanding. Thanks again, Dr. C, you are helping me immensely.

[@kimberlysmith7311]

Yes, lots of times they are great at getting their way, and sometimes good at making money because of that, but as far as intimacy, fairness, equality , no way, they ate stunted emotionally, and they don't want to grow. Sad but true 💞💨

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

My husband. To a T.

[@kimberlysmith7311]

@@DeborahLArmstrong mine too, we haven't been really together for years, but stuck with things mostly for our son, and I know some people will say I was wrong, but if I had left he would have dealt with other kind of difficulties. I do the best I can at any given moment. I'm working towards getting out on my own now our son is 15, and it's alot of work since you know they leave most of responsibility for house kids cleaning to you. Hope you have a better day today. 🙂 I love this team healthy

[@nana820able]

This is so true. I've tried for the past ten years to set a retirement plan/savings. He makes good money but he starts yelling and screaming at the mention of managing money. My idea would have him with 600K saved by now without interest but he wouldn't have it. At 63 he has only what little is left in his 401K. He has no plan except he's not going to retire.

[@shelley7975]

@@kimberlysmith7311 Agreed. They have zero motivation to do anything inside the house to keep it running smoothly. The one I live with as a roommate is the biggest slob around. At first because of circumstances I did everything, now I keep the main area livable, and my space the way I like it. It boggles my mind how little they care about anything that doesn't please or entertain them. My goal is to move on, and let him wallow in the mud alone. You'll get out, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. :)

[@lmholthe]

I used to describe him as oblivious and clueless but I didn’t understand that it was part of a chosen pattern of behaviour. For a long time I thought he was incapable of more. Now I think he chooses to be oblivious and clueless because it allows him to continue to act in a really hurtful and damaging way and then be surprised, outraged and self righteous when there are consequences to that behaviour. And then he gets to engage in that behaviour all over again.

[@parajacks4]

I hope you find a way out of this mess Time to make a life for yourself?

[@ec9833]

It’s a personality disorder in the same category as psychopaths. They often have reasons and accessibility, opportunities to get help and become fully self aware but statistically, they rarely do. It’s been told to me that it is a combination of them realizing and not realizing what they’re doing. Just like any disorder or mental health diagnosis, there are parts we’re aware of and parts that we’re not. Until we choose to get the help and are able to find quality help, at that, the likelihood of Health replacing the unhealthy is often slim to none. We don’t live in a society that supports mental health to the level we need and that same society rewards and generally supports these unhealthy behaviors while it blames victims left and right. IDunno how NPD’s are supposed to find want to get help or want to change when so much of daily existence encourages their NPD. Thankfully the ignorance that plagues is slowly being lifted, more and more by people like this doctor. I think that’s society’s only hope is revealing the truth of things.

[@shelley7975]

Yes, playing stupid is part of the game so they can't be held accountable. Then again, I don't think they are the smartest tools in the shed. It's all about winning to them in their sad little world.

[@parajacks4]

@@shelley7975 Narcissists can be intelligent in some ways, but they seem to lack emotional intelligence and emotional maturity. Ask them what they think you enjoyed the most about a day or event. Narcissists are usually totally flummoxed by this. At best they will project their own feeling. After my last and final boat trip with my narc parents, which was torturous for me, my parents took me aside at the end of the day and started giving me their usual “we are so disappointed…” when I asked my dad what he thought might be my favourite and least favourite parts of the day, he was completely dumb to that question, he finally stammered that he didn’t have a clue, I said “I find your answer very revealing dad”. It was that day I realised that my own teenage children were more emotionally mature than my parents. Narcissists have no empathy and they lack the ability for self reflection, because of this they are rigid, uncompromising and unable to change, so don’t bother trying, just leave the narcissist and be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness.

[@CristinaAcosta]

Agreed!!!! They choose when and with whom to act that way. The oblivion is “our” experience of them. They use oblivion as a social tool to sidestep accountability.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

11:02 "... *i decided i don't need your* acceptance, i don't need your encouragement... your directives... your regulations... parameters... understanding... approval... vote of confidence... fantasy egotistically driven patterns of thinking"

[@zepgirl6489]

My one question remains! Why is it that they can be so kind, caring and wonderful to everyone else, yet at home they turn into a different person? So, therefore, it is a choice......if they choose to treat others kindly, then they can choose to treat their spouse, etc. in the same manner.

[@krissmith2004]

Yes you are definitely on to something there. They need supply from a willing victim or sacrificial partner.

[@tommyd8418]

This 'caring & kindness' is superficial & shallow. Favors, like lending another $, always have a catch. An 'IOU' to be cashed in at a leter date by the narc. These favors or acts of kindness empower the narcissist to have aspect of control over others. They will then compliment themselves, or victimize themselves by saying 'I'm too giving' or 'I'm too nice...I let ppl walk all over me!' This controlling tactic sometimes backfires on them when they do lend or loan & get burned! These self-serving 'blinders' are why they DO at times get burned or taken advantage of (eg like by a car salesman or construction co.) bc in their mind they are simply 'too smart' to be outwitted😄

[@valeriegiles6524]

It's all about how they are perceived by others. Those at home have already been trapped by them & they truly believe you won't leave because they already have you under their full control.

[@tommyd8418]

The 'kind, caring, wonderful' is their public persona shtick, or mask. It's their False Self, a thin shallow veneer they've created to be perceived that way by as many as they can fool. This Matters To Them, & how they consume the fuel that feeds the facade, aka as Supply. Under that phony facade, their true self, is who they Genuinely Are Inside. Mean. Shallow. Cruel. Hateful. They'll deny it til their dying breath, & go to great deceptive lengths so others do not see them as they truly are. You've already Seen who they are under the mask, & they know it, & they resent you for that (rediculous, right?) Yes, they choose to be rotten to You, bc that's who they really Are, at their core. Bullies. And what is said is 100% True-they simply DO NOT CHANGE. Ever. I've witnessed this all firsthand. Blessed to say I'm in NC Mode, bc Every Other Attempt To Try To 'Make It Work' as bf/gf, 'friends', & even as the shallow acquaintance (where they shine most) ALL FAIL...as they hurt On Purpose. They Will NEVER Love You, or Return an ounce of the love YOU give. It's Not In Them. Only Destruction. I finally understood & Accepted the Fact that my Nex NEVER Loved me, or COULD Love me, (which hurts Horribly)....that imo is key to Moving On. Stay Strong & God Bless

[@jenniferwarhawk7301]

My husband (25 years with this guy) will be served with divorce papers today (hopefully) and as I've started going through this process of breaking free from this miserable man, I have often found myself thinking, he wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm doing the wrong thing here. Then I listen to a video like this and I remember all the things that made any semblance of intimacy and partnership with him completely impossible and I start thinking again, ok, yeah, he WAS that bad! Carry on.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@nicolamills8003]

Good luck. Watch Rebecca zung, narc divorce lawyer before the end of today. She has a free checklist when dealing with them. U r going into battle, all the best, stay strong.

[@sockpuppet2415]

“No contact is the ultimate self differentiation.” Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Ramani Durvasula has recovery from narcissistic abuse resources. Self-doubt is a hallmark of narc abuse, cultivated by them. They will protest because they lose supply and will engage in hoovering.

[@jenniferwarhawk7301]

@@nicolamills8003 Oh yes, I'm familiar with her. Thanks!

[@brendakrause5639]

🎉🎉🎉

[@rcomyns4664]

The most painful and vital lesson of my life is that those I've loved and given most to will continue to take me for granted and never change. So be it. Time to heal and feel joy again.

[@carolferguson19]

Good for you ❗☺️

[@kellyjoe4life]

Enjoy every minute of it. You deserve peace, joy and love the way God intended for it. Freedom is a beautiful thing.

[@margaretsanfran7317]

DITTO MY FRIEND DID IT FOR YEARS TILL MY NARC OF 38 YEARS CHEATED & TURNED MY DECENT RESPECTABLE LIFE INTO A WAR ZONE YET OTHERS SAW ALL THE PAIN BUT STILL EXPECT ME TO BE THAT SAME KIND GIVING PERSON NOPE SHES LONG GONE I SEE THE FLAGS WITH EVERYONE NOW BEFORE THEY START BLOWING AFTER U LOSE EVERYTHING NO ONE STEPS OVER THE LINE HARSH LESSON AT MY AGE ....

[@rcomyns4664]

@@margaretsanfran7317 it's sad but we are better off alone. My kids are the most hurtful. I've been setting boundaries, soul distancing and using radical acceptance and indifference to cope. For two years. They haven't even noticed.. Be free and well.

[@suzanne4396]

Hopeless was my state for a very long time. He wasn't getting any kinder, instead was becoming more cruel, more dismissive, more invalidating.. so I left.

[@shelley7975]

Congratulations!

[@sheryl7837]

Me too! So glad I did bc I am now married to the man of my dreams! Loving, kind, thoughtful, generous and loves me more than anyone else. They won’t change, ever, in fact they just get worse with age!

[@Swami504]

They jump from topic to topic, when you hit a topic that's on target!

[@cynthiawhite1122]

Masters of deflection...always turn it back to you...never "hear" what you are saying.

[@cherylvanesch3086]

They don’t come to any resolution, but because of this, nothing in the relationship can have resolution. Ever. I feel so stuck in this marriage. Nothing is functional in this marriage, even when i go grey rock he still finds a way to blame me for the problems, that he will Never address. He actually told me that he’s “a great guy”, I about fell off my chair.

[@renaissance5300]

yes that is their mask the great guy!!! they are sweet little bunnies with fangs!!

[@larissabrewington9065]

I laughed out loud at the blank stare point! Yes! They talk in circles. Blank stare. Or tell you that you've upset them and they 'can't' right now, which is insane, because it's about you asking for them to care a moment and they CAN'T CARE. They don't have the ability. Spot on with all of it, Dr. Carter.

[@allenone6970]

They may appear to be oblivious and clueless. They arent, they know exactly what they are doing to you.

[@ruthstallwood3967]

My adult daughter is a narcissist and I recently walked away after one of her rages. It’s tough, but I’m sick of being spoken to as though I’m a piece of dirt.

[@jackpetersen7545]

Ruth Stallwood,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹,You don’t need a narcissist in your life!

[@dnabart]

How did she become a narcissist?

[@MarionHuibers-zj5cn]

Was or is her father a narcissist. I was married to one for 19 years. Thankfully, both my daughters went the other way. I also have narcissists in my siblings and the cycle continues to this day. The siblings get worse with age and I am maintaining a distance with all of them with the exception of one brother, he minds his own business and doesn't want drama. I call the other siblings energy vampires, very draining.

[@ruthstallwood3967]

@@MarionHuibers-zj5cn I know what you mean about draining in every sense of the word. Thinking back her father did have some narc traits. He’s no longer here now.

[@laurieford6373]

I hear you. My mother is the same way.

[@richyrich4672]

What fun is it to come to a resolution on anything. That means you can move on in life and be happy and that’s the last thing a narc wants

[@williamdillard8330]

I thought one had a physical hearing problem. I now know it is selective hearing!

[@margaretsanfran7317]

Mines was SAME TURNS OUT HE WAS WATCHING & LISTENING TO EVERY MOVE APART FROM WHEN HE WAS SCHEMING UP HIS NEXT LOT OF WRONGDOINGS GLAD HES GONE THE ABSOLUTE BAD MAN....

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

You just described my husband. This is exactly what he's like. We can only communicate functionally. If he hurts me or does something I don't agree with, and I try to talk about it with him, the walls go up and suddenly he is thick as a wall. Crazy defensive! Pouts and stares straight ahead and refuses to engage. Tries to flip the blame onto me. If I keep trying to talk about it, we just go around and around in circles. He never admits he's wrong. he just justifies and rationalizes and refuses to take any responsibility. It's like arguing with a monkey. There is no point. And I've met brick walls with more empathy and tenderness than he has.

[@mikeseitz2792]

Living with a Narc, is like trying to have an intimate loving relationship with a wall that only stands for itself!!

[@patriciacole8773]

The only possibly safe topic is the weather

[@lynbarker3828]

With u sister. The depths they go to to justify their behavior is astounding. I'm in 36 years. I hope your younger an have an exit plan. Trust me you need a huge pain threshold an a big reason to stay :)

[@raccuia1]

Ok now that we have established that he is a narcissist then the next step is no contact. Anything short of that doesn't cut the mustard.

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

@@lynbarker3828 It's clear enough to me that I need out. It's how to do that which intimidates the hell out of me. Did you get out?

[@mindonthespirit1543]

His preferred lines, " I just don't understand you" or "I don't understand what you're saying"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Actually, he speaks truth. Sadly so. Dr. C

[@TheBigdog868]

It's kind of like the people at work. One guy has 20 years experience. The other has 1 year experience repeated 20 times. He knows just enough to get by and isn't interested in learning or getting better.

[@parajacks4]

Watching this made me realise that at 53 I’ve never had a deep and meaningful conversation with either of my narcissistic parents.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Lightbulb moment. Be the change! Dr. C

[@parajacks4]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Change is happening thank you, I started therapy this year and I’m no contact with them.

[@michelepascoe6068]

1. Once emotionally triggered, they can't pull out of it (emotion over mind instead of mind over emotion). 2.They're driven by egotism (they have to be right). 3. They have an exaggerated lack of empathy. 4. When their anger's triggered, they tend to jump from topic to topic. 5. They have no appreciation of nuance or context - illogical black and white thinking. 6. No forethought about the outcome of their closed minded approach about relationships. 7. Not teachable. So remember, the relationship is merely functional and don't try to teach or change them. And certainly don't feel responsible for what they do, though they blame you. I don't need your acceptance, approval or understanding.

[@barbarakelly1916]

Good summary! Needing only your own approval of yourself, and not needing the approval of others, is a great source of strength.

[@GS-gd4yc]

The narc is oblivious because on some level they want to be and need to be. While dealing with the narcissist in my life, I came to the conclusion that things went the way they did when I would try to discuss our issues, something in her just couldn’t admit to any wrong doing. And not just to others… she can’t even admit any wrong doing to herself, in the privacy of her own mind. It was like she had to rewrite history in order to feel okay, because she just couldn’t take feeling wrong.

[@kimberleymurphy3512]

No compliments. No validation. No props. No concern whatsoever for anyone but himself 💯

[@medusareigns]

My ex made me feel like I was just meant to be a decoration. I was with him for three years and he couldn't tell me what my favorite shows were, my favorite songs, my favorite color, or even my freaking birthday. He never wanted to talk to me but he never wanted me to leave. He wanted me to just sit there quietly and absorb his negativity.

[@cymbolichuman433]

It seems to be a common thread for men to treat women like property.

[@mysurfing3550]

Your covidian faith is sad, masks are pointless landfill waste in the best of scenarios why wear one in your profile?

[@medusareigns]

@@mysurfing3550 Mind your own business sweetheart.

[@CobraDove1111]

@@mysurfing3550 Agree!

[@CobraDove1111]

@@medusareigns you think a piece of paper or fabric protects you or other fro a flu? lol Wake up, sweetheart.

[@jessoftherocks]

Im up against a whole family.of narcissits, their fake family kindness and act himble till onr of them is injured and they all come to together to devalue you viamob mentality.

[@notbeefyproductions7109]

i pray that life is treating you well.

[@jessoftherocks]

@@notbeefyproductions7109 as well as could be prayed for. Still going through it.

[@KimberlyJohnson-ps8zq]

I hate it when I’m talking and when I’m done I am greeted with “What?” in a dismissive way. Then he proceeds to tell me how everything I say is not mature not adult enough.

[@jonnyblade46]

"The functional level".. that's where I ended up, after I gave up on my family. I don't rage anymore, I don't stir the waters. "Pass the salt.." Yeah, that's about the depth of it ..

[@melianelson9036]

It’s kinda of heartbreaking once you’ve loved a narcissist to understand how it must feel for them to be so stuck in they’re reality and not to have ever been able to absorb any of the love you genuinely felt for them. I’ve tried to imagine what it feels to be them. Was there a time in their lives when they felt love before their reality got so skewed? I know we talk about them as the villain in the room, But as society seems to be becoming more & more educated on spotting narcissism, it hurts to think how these fellow human beings will be ostracized and probably find themselves alone more often than not. I don’t intend to offend anyone, believe me I feel your pain & anger. I guess you just have to get to the place of just accepting it is what it is and stop being angry. It will though,forever be sad.

[@rhiannongoggio9728]

Omg i completey agree and if i could pay a millon dollars if honesyky there was anythjbg i coulf give to give education n wjatever it may take to change this but i believe its so sad bc money education simole nothibg can really helo n cahnge a hiuman with no hope except good so as a christian i want to tell about my testominy sk mich so tbat At a moment of a narristist true roxkbotyom n nobody us there guess what they heard aboutvGod n as him to jelo but thtvis another atory btw i knkw words misspelled figure it out vlose enough my phone is hlf broke n keys work when they wany to lol

[@munchiekins]

I understand what you mean. Itd be nice if there's some hope for change but given the nature of narcissism itself, it is really improbable. Maybe the narcissists can just get with each other, so they are not alone but are not destroying innocent people 😅

[@evemcfarland8159]

Absolutely - the feeling of being invisible has been my reality for over 20 years. Can talk ad nauseam about himself, and then it goes dead silent. Goes into his room at night and sits on his phone for hours while the rest of the family is being engaged with one another. Never says goodnight to any members of the family. If I try to ask why, it triggers a narcissist rage. He is a shell of a person.

[@micheleshively8557]

20 here too... plenty long enough for us to have some peace 👍🙏❤️

[@jamasco8790]

Im not trying to be rude.but what was the reasoning staying for 20 years. I had a wife who was severely narcisitic however i was myself narcisitic at the time aswell.. not as much becuz i have deep empathy but im asking if this may have been the case aswel for you?

[@NancyBrown1975]

I believe more than half of a narcissist's brain is gone. Narcissists love to bring up everything they believe you have done wrong in one anger session they get in. They are stuck in old ways of doing everything. Thank you Dr. Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on. Dr. C

[@dylannaenzo9737]

I think they are just giganticly stubborn and would rather "win" than "be right". They wear different colored glasses than healthy people.

[@virginiarussell3767]

Oblivious is the perfect word!! There's a whole negative attitude, disrespect and you-are- extremely-unimportant that goes along with it. Yep, you are so on point, Dr Carter, always has to be right or has a tantrum!

[@RippleDrop.]

Just try to indicate to them they are as unimportant to you as you are to them and watch the rage... They will guilt you into caring about them while they abuse you.

[@aimeestutzman5823]

My way or the highway and NOTHING gets resolved.

[@sweetdreams3119]

One thing to add about the inability to pull out of the emotionally triggered state: "Now you've ruined my day..." is a key phrase to listen for. You may miss the event that emotionally triggered the person, but you'll hear about it. The garbage wasn't taken out, someone cut them off, and one minute can mess up 24 hours. I'm an artist and herbalist, work at home and so did he. We lived in a rural area and seldom went out so I was the perfect, all around font of narcissistic satisfaction. Or so he thought. When triggered, I would get confused when he would try to transfer that anger to me and would ratchet up until I got angry. Then he would pad away to his office in satisfaction. Getting called all kinds of things during the inevitable blow up, I would take dictation and read them back later. No real apology because he would switch up and try to evoke pity for his trauma pain. I FINALLY tuned into your channel and learned how to avoid the hoovering and go no contact. Thank you for giving me my life back. You are doing holy work.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm glad the videos resonate! You're describing how narcissists have to be The Victim. Dr. C

[@jennyanderson4796]

Answered prayer.....Heaven sent indeed.

[@helenhighwater5313]

My narc used to say "I was in a GREAT mood until you walked in", plus they were always giving a play by play report on whatever mood they were in. Exhausting and boring.

[@InTheSkyGirl]

"....in other words, pass the salt". I laughed out loud at that one. Yes, sums up what navigating life with a narcissist comes to. Functional interactions only please!

[@serenasmuckers9310]

My narc was clueless a long time ago. She says she can do what she wants because it's her house. Then when she asks me what she should do, I tell her to do what she wants, "it's her house". And she's clueless as to what I mean. She doesn't get it when her own words are fed back to her.

[@debrabowman8750]

It's like living in the twilight zone...

[@kellymackie4836]

Oh man! The not teachable!! That's why they take positions of Authority. They ARE the "teacher". The pre adolescent is so 🎯 as well.

[@judysangregorio2787]

“Clueless by choice” is EXACTLY what narcissists are…..they subliminally know what they’re doing, but conveniently choose to scapegoat and gaslight the innocent. They are emotionally vicious. Wish we could all be as peaceful as Gus!

[@tracynewton3083]

Here here, emotionally vicious brilliant.

[@klf153]

Emotionally vicious and emotionally vacuous.

[@louisehuke6007]

I just don't have any words for them anymore ... I've past that stage... They bore me and drain me of energy and positivity ... I nod and smile and get on .. working hard towards my freedom . I have no appetite and some days are a real struggle . My job is stressful but it means I can escape him and I'm closer to financial independence xxx love and hugs to you all xxx stay strong and try everyday just for 5 minutes to be yourself and appreciate you ❤❤❤

[@shermanbrennan794]

I always thought it was me. I thought I wasn't being clear enough, that I didn't have the right words. My narcissist is very smart so I knew it had to be me, my inability to communicate what I was feeling or thinking or cared about in a way they could understand. That meant I was deficient but as I'm understanding now, after 20 years of self-doubt I was never listened to ever. And to them bringing things up from years previous; they would do this constantly and I would say something like I thought I'd made amends and that we had discussed how my actions affected you. I'd be hit with the same grievances I thought we had discussed at length and I apologized for while doing the work to make up for what I did. But they would conveniently forget that we eve discussed anything and then act like a victim for me even bringing up we had agreed the issue was dealt with in a satisfactory way. I know now it wasn't about me hearing them and making amends. They never heard me and only wanted to punish me, constantly, for a something I did decades ago. It was all about bringing me under control and nothing else

[@elizabethf9096]

just went thru that an hour ago and the narc tells me I need counseling...rrrrrhhhhhh

[@que2h.690]

And...." I don't need you ! " So- bye bye passive aggressive narcissist. Hello - no contact !

[@MINE27ify]

When narcissist dont stop I go into oblivious mode n just say ok.... like when u tell them they r right they still say no that's not ok. Lol

[@ayhaynina3034]

My parents are narcissists, I've been ignoring them for years since I can work. Now they're old and almost retired from work. Now suddenly they want me to take care of them. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!

[@azaramoon4027]

Some narcissists ask about your past, and also keep asking --- what are your plans?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Data collecting. Dr. C

[@LynetteJHill]

I've experienced this, and it has been so painful to me. Having felt the pain of oblivious and clueless narcissism, I want to express thanks for those in my life who are so kind and generous to me. I need to thank them more often.

[@roxybrooks6937]

Dr. said, "...grossly indifferent to you..." That is SOOO TRUE! I am very ill currently with Covid, and the Narc in my life is absolutely "grossly indifferent" that I may not make it. I never encountered anything as evil as that. Glad that I live alone. I'd rather be alone then with a wicked creature such as he.

[@christar9527]

Yes, the exaggerated lack of empathy too!

[@christar9527]

Yes, the exaggerated lack of empathy too

[@patriciacole8773]

Zinc d3 and vervain and rosemary tincture. Trying to be helpful.

[@dylannaenzo9737]

Me too. I've been alone now since 1997. Still happier alone than with that (those) miserable beings.... HINO = Humans In Name ONLY.

[@lisa-4145]

Just had the same experience....he couldnt give a toss that I was gravely ill in hospital.....not one ounce of empathy didnt even visit me or contact me

[@cymbolichuman433]

Stand there and say the words... Then you see it's pointless. You only learn to do something if you CARE about that particular thing.

[@kleighnichols4677]

To anyone who is suffering from narcissistic abuse know that you are not crazy, it's not your fault and that you are beloved. There are good people in the world who will love, respect and treat you right. I am so grateful for Dr. C! His insight, perspective, experience and the hope he provides has been a life saver. My former supposed "friend"/ neighbor is a borderline personality and a narcissist. Cutting her out of my life has been the greatest relief and the peace I now have is AMAZING!

[@JanetSnakehole28]

Peak cluelessness was achieved by narc mum when she gifted me a brooch that said 'stoic'. I'm not stoic, lady. I've just been programmed by you to conceal my emotions & everything about myself for fear of triggering a tantrum, to the extent I used self harm & anorexia to cope from the age of 12 🙄

[@melianelson9036]

There is a Stoic brand of Jewelry, made in Ireland

[@ayhaynina3034]

Me too, my mom told me that I'm heartless when she's the one hurting me both verbally and physically

[@melianelson9036]

There is a Irish jeweler with the name Stoic. FYI

[@tracynewton3083]

Yes i concur. My mum bought a bag for me the meaning of my name. "self efacing" charming. It was true though, I wonder who I learnt that from🤔🤔🤔🤔🙄😇🙏

[@tracynewton3083]

@@melianelson9036 if you have been narc abused, their messages are subtle like that brooch. They are so shocking its not human.

[@ethicalsoprano]

The last sign gave me chills - pre-adolescent thinking, unable to learn or integrate anything new… My narcissist ex-friend would insist that I was wrong about certain topics, that I hadn’t done my research, but she had, and she knew everything, and she was always right. I literally got a degree in that topic. She dropped out of college. Now, that’s a valid choice, and individual research does exist. But to insist I know nothing - or worse, what I do know is wrong - while I’m getting a formal education in it at a prestigious university? Just gross.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's her Alternate Reality. Dr. C

[@2009jadeorchid]

my ex friend said '' you are wrong! '' or '' how dare you! '' she was obsessed with politics her whole life was collecting people on facebook to have as supply and flying monkeys she unfriended me over me saying '' maybe this happened '' i did not even argue it was just some other information i found she hates being wrong even in the face of real objective truth she lives in a fantasy world

[@kevinogorman1370]

Divorcing my narc wife of 33 years. Just starting the 5th year of the divorce and she’s still demanding everything to put me into poverty in my 65th year eg the house,my pension etc. Just racking up solicitor fees with no end in sight and she doesn’t care about the implications for the 2 vulnerable adult children we have or my quad by pass with the stress of it all. I wish these videos had been available in the mid 1980s,I would never have invited her into my life to share the house I had just bought. It’s helpful to see these videos to confirm her behaviour which is pure evil. Thank you Dr C

[@margaretsanfran7317]

Same MY NARC ex ....vile greedy lying evil people Legal ABUSERS....

[@melianelson9036]

I was with one 33 yrs as well; wow I felt like a two yr divorce was bad. I’m sorry for you and anyone who’s had their life, love and efforts wasted on these creatures. So sad all the love we gave to someone whom couldn’t absorb or appreciate it. I wish you peace and health, this reality has taken such a toll on my health, I think I could get lucky to live ten more yrs at this point and I’m not certain I have the energy to fight anymore. I have two adult children as well, who are having to face this uncertain world with their own sets of challenges that I didn’t have to face, but I ‘d hoped the prospect of daughters in law and grandchildren would be in my future. Probably not going to happen😔

[@spacedust4650]

20 years, omfg. My wife was cloaned!!.how did we all marry the same thing??😟

[@fleep9008]

The best peace to give is, GOODBYE

[@t.l.7733]

They also have a tremendous amount of disdain bubbling just beneath the surface when someone offers up their opinion, suggestion, recommendation, or even a question & therefore, don't have the patience to hear you through & cut you off. They see you as beneath them, dumb, & can't be taken seriously. They take great offense for you assuming they may not know about something.

[@christar9527]

My mother used to scream at anyone who tried to help her. Weird but that’s narcissism.

[@JackieSuz917]

I hear a public official 'circle back' so often it is a merry-go-round 🤪

[@gjop-xm2xe]

He says what’s wrong with being right ..why do you need to be right.. he is nice around others then says Im angry at you because you push my buttons good grief I’m go8ng on three months no contact

[@joanb8489]

This is so absolutely true. They don’t know how cruel they are and truthfully they don’t care. It’s not sad anymore. It’s downright pathetic. I’m DONE trying to understand them. I’m definitely on team healthy. DEEP. Don’t 😊 Don’t Engage, Don’t Explain, Don’t Personalize--Dr Romani. I fully understand the game now. And I choose not to play!

[@deborahfairbanks4012]

My third husband (now ex) is a textbook case. I am working on getting myself back...

[@jvhobson]

I'm so tempted to send this to my narcissist. ....I won't, because any thought that he would recognize himself is pure delusional wishful thinking.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I do feel ''not known''. My parents do not know me and are 100% committed to never knowing me.

[@annmcgetrick243]

I will often think to myself, "I don't exist" in this person's eyes/mind/heart. It's painful, but now I understand why I feel this way. The revelation I have experienced through your videos, Dr. Carter, is incredible. I am so grateful to you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very pleased, Ann.

[@skinnyway]

oops I missed it! Hey y'all I did good yesterday! Instead of blowing off bad behavior from a supposed friend, again, I told him flat out "I dont appreciate the way you enjoyed treating me that way. You dont get to treat me like that." Havent heard a peep since. Of course - its only been 24 hrs. But since he wasnt getting any feed off me anyway he may just stay away. edit: 12-3-21 nope - he tried to hoover me back in with a bad health text! not going for it!

[@juliesilva6760]

They believe their own emotions thoughts are facts,and accuse to the end and bring up past issues that bothered them that are years behind us but always bring up

[@judypolstra]

"Pass the salt"....LOLOLOL. Perfection.

[@Rflower1]

I seem to be a narcissist magnet. My mom said that I have a spirit that draws people to me and that it is a calling but I struggle to see or appreciate it as such when I am used, taken advantage of and treated like I am oblivious to their motives and mistreatment. The insulting thing is they think that I am unaware and if I get the nerve to call a thing a thing, I am told that I am mistaken, over-thinking, too sensitive and even crazy.

[@patriciacole8773]

I tend to think of it on a spiritual level. A sorting of the sheep and goats. The way we treat each other is the way we would treat Jesus. So when we are decent we would treat Jesus decently. When they are rude they would be rude to Jesus. So when I meet narcs I try to remember they are being sorted out. It helps me.

[@Rflower1]

@@patriciacole8773 I think my mom saw it the same and so do I to a point but it can still be painful. I appreciate your response.

[@billyray1172]

Hey Rhonda. Not sure about Jesus, but I feel the same way. I've come to the conclusion I'm surrounded by narcissists that need someone to dominate because they are lacking true confidence in themselves. I've been moulded by NM and sisters all my life into being the passive one in the family. I feel this behaviour has led me to be the magnet that you mention for any other weak narcs that need the supply, and I struggle to fix my boundaries and stand for myself because im used to it being a senseless confrontation and the issue never gets properly resolved.

[@barbarakelly1916]

You may find that doing research on being an Empathic personality will be helpful. Narcissists and other toxic personalities are drawn to people that they think they can control and/or use. I recommend Keeley Taverner's You Tube channel for empaths. There are other good resources as well. .

[@patriciacole8773]

@@Rflower1 I just saw your comment. May I share my favorite yt ministry showing Bible prophecy fulfilling in current news events. Midday Power Surge/ Prophecy Again. Very important information.

[@wendyclark387]

I just went through this on a first date with a man, and baffled, yes! Invisible and unimportant for certain...and I've been going through a lot of malignant narcissist abuse work for healing...and it still had me befuddled. Thank you, Dr. C.! I found myself thinking, " Am I that boring, uninteresting and unimportant in your mind that you keep cutting me off in conversation, comparing me to how great you think of yourself with 'bigger and better' stories?" Thank you for your very good timing on this! He was also doing a LOT of future faking. 🥴🤔🥴

[@lighttheway5088]

Colorado?

[@marcirobins5144]

Think of it as a one man-show. That’s all it was. The fact that you realized it means you are doing okay.

[@keplermission4947]

@@marcirobins5144 There's always a winner and a loser. Great to be a winner.

[@shelley7975]

@@keplermission4947 What's your problem? I reported several of your remarks due to the fact they were hateful and mean.

[@christar9527]

@@shelley7975 @Keppler is a loser desperately seeking attention. He needs to be ignored. Probably has mommy issues.

[@savetrump9120]

The narc never had anything good to say to me or about me.

[@danielkaiser8971]

One of the signs, they are unteachable. I think I knew this on a deep level, but hearing it out loud put many more puzzle pieces together. Thank you again.

[@kimberleymurphy3512]

He will literally hold onto mistakes & grudges for years

[@Fusilier7]

My father and sister exhibit all seven signs, it's frustrating and depressing to be in their presence. They both cannot take "No" for an answer, and have problems with free will and consent of others, they will chisel their way through relations, until they are the only ones in someone's life. I finally have my chance to leave them for good, I do not need to associate with such toxic people, I will forge my own way to recovery, and seek out people who actually care.

[@catherinebailey2131]

"Chisel their way through relations" so perfectly describes it.

[@serenasmuckers9310]

I often respond to her with "we've already had this conversation." She doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying, and one of my boundaries is that I won't waste my time going through the conversation again. Then she says I don't remember that conversation. Then I say "pity. Get help from your therapist on improving your listening skills" Then I leave.

[@florawright5452]

I'm new to this, I am doing research on my daughter's behavior she's 33. She keeps hurting me over and over again. I've been watching doctor's videos and describes her perfectly! Please keep me in prayer! Thank you!

[@christinalw19]

Have you asked her what you did to “offend her?” Maybe she thinks she cannot live up to your example? I used to do that to my Mother in my 30s because she was so unavailable in every way. She lived to be 101 and never really changed. Good luck. Nothing like honest communication. 🙏🏼🕊❤️

[@menni8321]

I wonder what your role is and how objective you are towards your own behaviour to her. I fear a lot of projection here..

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

Keep watching and learning the several great channels on here... we are NOT here to judge and diagnose or make assumptions or snap conclusions based on this short simple comment. I'm afraid I see just a tad bit of potential victim blaming in the replies when none of us has a shred of specifics of ur situation. Yes, in conflict resolution we must acknowledge our "2%" and you should try to open an honest dialogue with her if possible.

[@deborahfairbanks4012]

I think we tolerate more from our children, because they are, well; our children... I share your concerns. 😞

[@cymbolichuman433]

Parents usually do the best they can. Kids are individuals and will be free to be themselves once they grow up. That can be quite disappointing, and not your fault they're an ass.

[@barbc7698]

I used to ask my spouse, “Are you ignorant and apathetic?” and the answer was “I don’t know and I don’t care “. Am being facetious, but these videos explain A LOT. I realize we only spoke about functional things, and never once cared what I was thinking or feeling.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hey Barb, That made me chuckle. Dr. C

[@jeanniestaller797]

My husband of 41 yrs matches up with a lot of these traits, enough to be very frustrating without being a complete narcissist. The most frustrating is his lack of self awareness and willingness to change and grow.

[@sjs3590]

I never get use to being mistreated by my narcissistic husband. I keep coming back to these videos to reassure myself that wanting to discuss issues does not make me a trouble maker.

[@slowmochicken]

They never say " thank you", or " I appreciate you. "

[@slowmochicken]

@Mary Carroll yup 😐

[@nvk743]

My soon to be ex husband would say to me "I love that you grow from my criticism." And whenever I had something to say to him he would twist it into a lecture to improve something about myself

[@MsYogiCat]

Lol Your opening immediately reminded what my son always says about talking to my narcissistic family, it's like talking to a brick wall. We have been no contact for several years now, he watched this abuse growing up heaped on me, and tried to talk them out of it, but as he says it's like talking to a brick wall!

[@David-eu1ms]

Some people are like walls and some are like doors, don't try to open the wall.

[@kellyleighread807]

Being sick, the ex husband would, could not care if I died. That's oblivious. I had a 104.6 fever and the ex husband asked me (while very sick) do you want to go to the Dr?.

[@tedschmitt178]

My extremely narcissistic ex wife would bring up things which she felt I did wrong 20-25 years earlier . She would bring up things which she felt her parents did wrong 40 or more years earlier. All when I casually mentioned anything which she did that I didn’t care for.

[@robertacolarette1594]

Dr. Les, this video had some very pertinent points for me. They are “not teachable”. I don’t need your “approval”. And we can only engage on a “functional level”. For months I’ve been trying to put into words for myself how my relationship operates. It seems to work only in a shallow, surface way. “Functional” is exactly right. Thank you. I also love the shot of your dog sleeping in the background. He or she looks very sweet and peaceful. ❤️

[@warrenking4586]

Wow. I'm in therapy now for childhood trauma and you just describe myself. You've inadvertently helped me so much as I'm correctly all these behaviours to be more self compassionate with myself and others. Thank you so much.

[@fraktal7734]

All the times i cared what people think, i was told i was wrong... and now when i try not to care, i am told i was right. xD

[@sharonpettem6751]

I finally value myself enough to not care what he thinks, so now he's ghosting me as a "punishment". I feel sorry for his new "girlfriend".

[@jackpetersen7545]

Sharon Pattem,You look cute 🌷,You don’t need a narcissist in your life!

[@SitesWithAds]

I think I have to accept that I can't even get closure after she discarded me, because my experience with trying communicate is well-described by the "oblivious and clueless"-ness described in this video. So much I wish I could tell her, but she just chooses not to hear.

[@skinnybear5743]

Big Time Users. Your time expired with her.

[@jera9654]

I hope you can find healthy distractions to ease your mind. It really helped me to sit and write down my feelings and what I wanted her to know. I WILL NEVER SHARE IT WITH HER. It is for me so I can come back and read it if I start thinking about making contact again. It made me think a lot about how she would actually respond if somehow she was compelled. I accepted that if she actually spoke the truth, she would most likely say, "I can't handle this". It's a tough pill to swallow that we have loved and committed so much of ourselves to someone who is oblivious (or worse). It's taken time, but I'm grateful for the discard. It could have gotten much worse if I hadn't stayed true to myself. Keep your head up!

[@raccuia1]

Closure is where you find a mentally healthy way to get to a place of emotional well being. Maybe have emotional well being by never having that individual in your life again knowing that she will ALWAYS be an empty miserable shell.

[@jorgeluiscapiello414]

@@jera9654 After she discarded me I wrote everything about my last 4 years with her. Hell on Earth. Just like you, I don't have the intention of sharing this. I wrote it for me. Whenever I remember the good times together I read it all again. Won't forgive, won't forget.

[@sundancer7381]

Nailed it! "It's my way or the highway!"

[@cymbolichuman433]

I have the balls to say it when I know they're screwing things up.

[@sharontalley2155]

This happened to me just this morning. She exploded in my face and started screaming insults at me and saying my son hates me and the family hates me. Gosh i thought i was a nice person. Talk about oblivious to how i feel. Then she told me that she thinks i am crazy and i am a danger to the family. Wow. If it wasn't for Dr Carter and the people who post their comments here i would not know what to do.

[@emmanuelking9988]

Thank you Dr. Carter once again for the great information 👌 It's extremely liberating when you come to that phase in your healing journey when you finally realize and ACCEPT that narcs can not ever change and accept that they are 100% incapable of not being selfish...for me, once I accepted this, it freed me from them.

[@ec9833]

There are a handful of self aware NPDs and even psychopaths. They CAN change…there just isn’t a ton of “reason” for them to, IMO. It’s not an easy task and there’s more ignorance over mental health, in general, than there is the understanding of the need for services & supports. Furthermore, our current society supports NPD behaviors and victim blaming. If we can continue to uncover the truth of mental health and it’s critical role in everyone’s lives & if ignorance is continually exchanged for knowledge, from these types of channels & other resources educating more and more individuals, we might all have a fighting chance. -They could change…they likely won’t until there’s reason to, in their minds. Which, I think includes our entire society being intolerant to their disordered behaviors, no longer supporting and rewarding them. IMO

[@djdoolittle1315]

@@ec9833 we need to eradicate them from the gene pool. It’s a holy war against them

[@angelacarleton9575]

I lived with parents that are narcissistic in every way and knowing how long I have known them I realized I would never cut -free unless I admit they are impossible to change. That is what made me sad because they won't fix their own problems.

[@emmanuelking9988]

@@ec9833 Narcs and psychopaths/sociopaths being "aware" of their wicked nature doesn't mean they will change for the better...it just means they are so arrogant to admit to you who they really are and expect you to deal with it. Narcs and the rest of these people are dangerous and healthy minded people need to stay as far away from them as possible.

[@emmanuelking9988]

@@ec9833 @@ec9833 Narcs and psychopaths/sociopaths being "aware" of their wicked nature doesn't mean they will change for the better...it just means they are so arrogant to admit to you who they really are and expect you to deal with it. Narcs and the rest of these people are dangerous and healthy minded people need to stay as far away from them as possible.

[@sirrenn1936]

This is how I learned to deal with my narcissist husband when he was drinking, he wanted to spend time telling me how horrible I was, I would not respond in any way, I totally ignored him for the whole time he was drinking, but the next morning, when he wanted to sleep I let him have it. It took a few years but he learned to stop putting me down.

[@tonyjeevar6565]

Quite special to see a sociopathic narcissist at work here. They say nobody is so useless that they can't be a good example to others. They can't be this cruel without showing what a narcissist is like when the mask is truly off, either. Narcissists always show you what they are like sooner or later. Keeping their malignancy hidden is a huge task, draining them of energy until they just keep it up anymore. Who would be him?

[@David-eu1ms]

It's unfortunate that we have to stay away.

[@HeatherDMorris]

Yes. Feeling like a terrible mean person because they say your destroying the relationship but thinking you are exhausted trying to please the person. It's crazy making until you catch on , thanks to Dr. C . I catch on pretty quick now to a narcisist . You make me laugh Dr. C on my lunch break . I love how you lay it out there with the truth!

[@dianamarie5663]

"Exhausted trying to please the person." So true.

[@katiewray1712]

Every sign all 7, probably more, point to the covert narc sicko that I have to work with - every day, ad nauseum. Gaslighted, dismissed, treated like a nobody... that's her classic playbook. Let's not forget bad-mouthing me to all the other employees behind my back and poisoning me against everyone else... yeah, that too. I want to quit my job EVERY DAY it seems... I don't know how much longer I can stick this out.

[@patriciacole8773]

😭

[@elizabethf9096]

just asked my narc about a very important incident that happened in the past I get theb"I dont remember"...how convient "why would you bring that up now?...because it is very important to me and I need an answer !!! ...the narc...you need counseling!!! .....omg I'm the only one in this family who did do counseling for yrs off and on she on the other hand went 2 times....

[@dorrybrewin6012]

If I won’t go along with my family’s lies and take the blame for everything I’m yelled and screamed at.

[@vanessapehl7581]

Oh hey Gus. LOL