How Can a Narcissist Change? | Is Lack of Insight Invariable?

[@Aldedandra]

I've been going to therapy for years. Thought i mostly suffered from Depression and shame. Turns out i developed narcissism due to parental neglect and learned behaviors. When first told that I am a narcissist, i didnt want to believe it. But once i started to see my behaviors and how it was affecting other people, i was able to come to terms with my disorder and been working on how to fix it. It's definitely not easy and although some say it isnt possible to change a narcissist, I am starting to see hope in myself and I hope others can get the help I am getting as well. It has really changed my perspective on life and others.

[@soldyrkare5790]

I am so relieved to hear that another person who is living in hell has found the appropriate help and insight into this horrific disorder, as someone who also suffers from it. it is a deeply tragic and unfair condition for anyone to be afflicted with.. it isn't our fault that we suffered such deep neglect and torment in our early years of development, and it isn't our fault that we bear the scars and feel deeply angered and empty inside. Luckily we have the power to treat and manage it. I have yet to find the right therapist but the road to recovery is initiated and I know will be long and complex. Best of luck to you in your endeavor to learn, adapt and recover! And God bless..

[@izzyxx1168]

Do you guys go to therapy? I had to completely go no contact with someone from their abuse. It makes me sad but he started to blame me.

[@Aldedandra]

@@soldyrkare5790 one of the hardest things for me was admitting my faults and not being able to let go of my ego and my pride. I spent most of my life trying to protect that because I didn’t want to allow anyone to make me more miserable than I already was. So anytime I felt bad, I brought others down with me. I played the victim all the time. It wasn’t until I could come to terms with it, feel the hurt and pain of how I was handling my life and understand how it affected other people that I could truly change. I had to stop living my life according to my will. My life’s been completely unmanageable. Now that I have started to focus more on others feelings, wants needs and working on forgiving myself, I’m starting to see a new me. I had to almost rock bottom because I’ve already lost 2 jobs because of it and almost lost my family. There is hope but know that you can’t do it alone. You need the right support and accountability.

[@Aldedandra]

@@izzyxx1168 yes, I have been going to therapy about every week for years and also do couples therapy occasionally. I blamed people my whole life and even blamed my wife. I didn’t want to accept what I was doing and how I was acting. Narcissists are selfish and will bring anyone down with them and make others feel like the crazy one. They won’t acknowledge their feelings. They’ll be defensive and play the victim. That’s how I was. The only reason I’m still in my relationship is because I’m married and we have kids. If you have no strings keeping you to this person. I highly suggest you leave. As a narcissist myself, it’s not worth it for you to go through the agony if there’s nothing serious involved.

[@danielmarcelventer992]

Exactly the same with me. Thanks for sharing. 🙏👌👍

[@traciehigginsChaCha]

We all have narcissistic behaviors and watching this video helps me to see how I can better relate at work, home, and with friends. I really enjoyed this.

[@shwetabharti4592]

100%right..no one is 100%empathic .. actually empathic is more flexible..

[@dragonwarriorht]

There's difference between having few narccists behavior and having a narccist disorder

[@kitsunegao]

I feel like most narcissists don't even wanna change, they think that the way they are is justified

[@sparky4747]

I think part of the problem is that our culture is narcissist friendly, if not outright promoting narcissism. I used to be really into self-help and personal development and a lot of the advice I read sounded like training yourself to act like a narcissist in your daily life. Things like forcing yourself to stop caring about what other people think, or “acting like a king to be treated like one”, being ruthless in negotiations, seeing human interactions as an arms race of who can better manipulate the other, etc. The problem is, this behaviour really does work, at least in the short term. If you’re looking for cheap fast wins in your career, business or dating life there is no better way to accomplish it than to embrace the behaviours of someone with NPD. I can totally see how someone who grew up as a narcissist would not even see their personality disorder as a defect as opposed to an asset. If you combine NPD with high intelligence and/or wealth and a good upbringing it is as close to a free pass to material success as you can get.

[@LemonSte]

Most yeah. Speaking for myself though, I seem to be reaching this point in my life where I'm able to be somewhat objective because it's affecting my mental health / relationship severely. I've come to realise and somewhat am learning to accept thay this feeling of superiority I've always had has just been filling a hole where my self esteem should be. It's like a superpower that's slowly draining away. I never used to be a jealous person for example, but lately I've been really manic and obsessive about my partner leaving me or being attracted to other people, even though I know logically that he loves me and wouldn't betray me. Before I would only have bee insulted on a pride level that someone was messing me around, or that someone was trying to disrespect me / take someone that "belonged" to me (or rather to my concept of what my life should look like). Since I've had a few friendships end (mental instability on both sides honestly) and some family members die, I had this strong feeling that like "this is not what my life was supposed to look like. These people are supposed to still be here" and something about that started fracturing my ego and setting me down the path to sanity in a weird way lol I started to feel things more.

[@sparky4747]

EC123 - Yes, but a person who is a narcissist will just assume these people are “haters” or something along the lines of having to break a few eggs to make the omelette of success. If you look at life coldly and rationally as a game, acting like a narcissist is a pretty decent life strategy. It’s not the best but it works good enough so that narcissistic people will not be able to understand why their behaviours are wrong and go try to seek treatment.

[@michaelkennedy5126]

They want you to change...the subject back to them :)

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

@@sparky4747 I agree with you. Your culture dose not encourage ppl to confront any one yet alone a narcissist.

[@pilikika4586]

All these narcissist,borderline personality,etc. videos have been truly helpful. They pertain to my life and current situation a little too much. Thank you Dr. Grande for always being on point! 😊

[@corinnegodard8358]

Very interesting video with real and simple solutions. I think that even when one has been the victim of narcissistic abuse, one can feel sad for the narcissist too. The narcissist is a former victim and tries to survive. The narcissist became a narcissist because no one recognized them as victims and nobody gave them this type of advice. When the narcissist has become a full fledged narcissist people either enable their behaviours or try to expose them and to shame them, to criticize them harshly. Too much empathy towards an abuser can become toxic and abject and can make the behaviour worse but harsh criticism can increase shame and reinforce the behaviour too because nobody can listen to and benefit from harsh criticism that puts down. It is tempting to consider the other as "evil" and it may be temporarily necessary to take back control of oneself but it is very judgemental. The narcissist is a human being. I like your approach very much. Everybody can try and heal the narcissist within themselves. Your video heals the fracture between people, the fragmentation and it is very beneficial. Thank you.

[@josephineananda]

Cold therapy is promising.

[@CRD69]

How do you know all that?

[@GamesCooky]

I have never seen myself as a narcissist. But the lack of insight part is intriguing. Imagine if you go your entire life talking shit about those around you, saying they're so narcissistic. And then it just turns out you're the actual narcissist. You just lack the insight to see it. That's interesting. Way to flip the table.

[@noorhajime5549]

Lying => Listening . Chatting => Checking. Responding => Reflecting.

[@robcazant5654]

Thanks for another incredibly insightful video! It's a bitter pill to swallow that the best a narcissist can hope for is to change behavior and his/her core feelings and thoughts will not change much .You're the first professional I've ever heard giving an explanation about why narcissists lie and its spot on. I've never understood why I lie so much over trivial things, all it ever lead to was broken friendships once I got caught in lies. but now I realize that many of the lies I told were to give the illussion that I am the person I "should be". I never even adressed lyin in therapy because I have too much shame about it and I don't see how it would be productive.

[@robcazant5654]

To clarify, i don't feel guilty about lying. The shame associated with it comes from a refusal to expose my true self.

[@Phoenix333Rising]

@@robcazant5654 I would suggest that if you want therapy to be successful, you will need to expose your true self, and then learn to accept it. Good luck!

[@jadeauburn9220]

I would love to hear examples of people who have realized they are narcissists and reached out for help without it having something to do with a court order or marriage counseling!

[@ghanamother6139]

Jade Auburn malignant Narcissists who use Recovery as a manipulation tactic to gain supply and secondary sources of supply- victims... ex went to NA and AA meetings for dozens of years- learnt all the Recovery lingo and behaviors that faked True Recovery yet ABUSED covertly right after leaving the meeting in the home to me and the children.... no hope for malignancy- it’s tooo lucrative to be Narcissistic.

[@LemonSte]

Idk about in studies etc but I am a Narcissist and I have become self aware. I know why I am the way I am and I'm trying to stop because it's just been allowing my actual self esteem to rot

[@kurpalm0n966]

Jade Auburn: I'm one of these people. Was it a requirement that said people would have to be diagnozed as such as well? If so, then I won't qualify. I've been in therapy for 8 months now. However, the motive for attending it wasn't probably the purest one. Nobody forced me there, but I figured I could find a new apartment easier, if I used the therapy as a sob story. This also helped in getting free money from the government in form of social support, without any intention of going back to work. Now that I have achieved these goals, I'm not sure if the sessions are really helping that much. They're somewhat beneficial, but perhaps not enough... Got quite conflicted feeling about it all now. What Ghana Caribbean said seems to hold for my motivations for therapy as well, even though admitting it doesn't feel that great. Mostly I've come to enjoy the sessions maybe a little too much, considering them more as entertainment than anything else.

[@kurpalm0n966]

@@LemonSte: Stay strong on your path of truth seeking. The rabbit hole goes surprisingly deep, when it comes to us pwNPDs. Under each layer of lies can be found even more of the same. It surely drives one desperate at times.

[@jadeauburn9220]

@@kurpalm0n966 Thank you for sharing! I hope you'll keep going to therapy and perhaps find a better reason to be there. I've seen that people who have narcissistic traits end up pretty sad, lonely and bitter when they get older. you don't have to have that future :)

[@FirstnameLastname-wx2ck]

I was INCREDIBLY narcissistic when I was married. I drive my poor wife nuts. She left and I ended up drinking myself into the psych ward. Thank God for a good church family and good parents.

[@nershwinsurajkumar4439]

Wow.. Not everyone will admit. God bless you. Hope you will have a great life

[@rayray7906]

I pray you are doing well.!!!!

[@recuerdos2457]

I heard narcissist won’t admit they are narcissist and they blame everything on others but themselves… how did you realize you needed help?! How have you stopped yourself from being one again?

[@oddwad6290]

One of your best videos. Very helpful to anyone who is mired in this terrible psychological trap many members of our specie often fall prey to .

[@Namari12]

I agree that the lack of insight is the primary reason that many people say it's impossible for a narcissist to change. They don't realize or recognize that there's anything that needs changing! But if one can get to the point that they recognize they're narcissistic, recovery suddenly becomes possible. It's also good for all of us to reflect on how to be less narcissistic in our own lives - like, reflecting in conversations rather than responding with our own problems, for example. Excellent advice for us all!

[@NaomiK1]

do you know of any success stories i can read up on? Thanks.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

I especially enjoyed the remarks on lying. They helped me understand lies I've told my family members: wishful thinking on my part. I've never been able to understand the whys and how. Good information, thanks!

[@91isucyclone]

Dr. Grande, You are BRILLIANT at taking such a hard to understand disorder and explaining it concisely and clearly.

[@nancywysemen7196]

soften the blow. chatting,check in. respond,reflect....good for all of us.

[@JacobMichael]

🧐As someone with some narcissistic tendencies, I will say that being faced by the fact that I am slightly more narcissistic than average was VERY, VERY hard to admit. Perhaps because it's never fun to confront a blindspot. That said, I do feel like I have made several changes in the way I act & treat people.. But I do still have certain tendencies (like being a aloof at points, fixating on how I'm perceived, feeling "special" or "different"). So I feel like change is possible, but it probably never comes "naturally" because the feelings that drive these behaviors are very very deeply ingrained. I guess only more time will tell the extent to which I can change 🧐 And I'm not malignantly narcissistic -- so I imagine someone with FULL BLOWN narcissism would have a significantly harder time changing in any meaningful way. But that's just my non-professional opinion 😅

[@AndreasDivus1]

I think I'm in the same boat. Finally trying to view everything from the other side but it's so foreign at the same time. I thought everyone was like this. lol

[@danielwiltshire8131]

@Jacob Michael trust me I'm no Dr but for you to post that means your half way there. The narc in my life , would never ever admit that. He is never wrong about anything. Just my unprofessional opinion. 😊

[@sunnychoudhary1323]

U feel empathy for others?

[@danielwiltshire8131]

@@sunnychoudhary1323 good question, why did i not think of that?

[@phoqueewe7230]

You have introspection. That's never in the narcissistic personality. The fact that you have the ability to see your flaws and make strives for changes and even changes means you are not narcissistic in the ways that are true. We all have a bit of narcissism. A bot is healthy gir self preservation as human beings. The true narcissistic or anyone with narcissism in their behavior that was engrained through childhood trauma is not going.to change. They can.behave in certain situations but the ability to change requires introspection. You have this ability as you've described. They do not. If you're description of yourself is true to point you are not cluster b in the npd personality.

[@jacobb8397]

Thank you Dr. Grande, I struggle with these patterns, in part due to attachment disorder, ASD, ADHD, male socialization, and being exposed to environments where narcissistic people and patterns of behavior are more common, and so in some circumstances, I have been described as narcissistic, self-centred and selfish, where I took these criticisms to heart, becoming instead hyper self-aware of how I come across. Your lack of vindictiveness, and your willingness to actually help people like me who struggle with strategies of how to be more communal and empathetic is a breath of fresh air and gives hope that there is progress to be made, even though the patterns are deep-rooted and require counseling. The pessimistic outlook that is often expressed by prominent figures like Dr. Ramani, can make it feel like personality flaws llike these are untreatable, and not worth investing time in.

[@elisamastromarino7123]

This is so helpful, doctor. You're doing wonderful things by giving these "tips and tricks" to those of us who are struggling. Thank you so much! 👍🌹 You are _appreciated!_

[@charleslyall5857]

Always insightful and balanced. Dr Grande's views are refreshingly free of emotionally charged language. He clarifies without resorting to name calling and pejorative generalisations.

[@cherylthompson2731]

As a Borderline, I am always striving to improve myself and to be more insightful about my illness. Over 25 years ago, I was accused of being narcissistic by a narcissist. That insult help me to strive to make sure that the things that I don't like about myself are corrected.

[@NatureFreak1127]

'But if you can only choose one, responding intelligently is far better.' Thanks for reassuring words. I would hate myself for freezing while bullied, thinking I am not smart enough.

[@andreasleonlandgren3092]

The advice you give is good. As a person struggling with ADD I have most of the narc traits. Being aware and stopping yourself before acting on emotion or putting the focus back unto yourself is key to better communication and with that your relationships. Ofc since what you naturally feel is something else. Its hard to change it completely but with work there can be change. It is so frustrating not really getting to know anyone after conversation and us add:ers suffer from it as well the whole dynamic we are creating by not being present. I have understanding of how being on the other side of it is too since I had a narc boss for 5 years. And a narc dad. Toxic relationships can be left or worked on. Leaving is sometimes the best and easiest option.

[@oxxy6678]

I have ADD. How does ADD translate into narcissism??? Because having the symptoms of ADD does not make someone more narcissistic. So I'm confused as to what you mean

[@dullbrass]

Is it reasonable to assume that someone who was willing to change their behaviour like you described, would even change their thoughts and feelings consequently in the long run? You spread wisdom in such a beautiful way. I would love to forward this message to someone, but I know it won't be received. Maybe some day. Thank you so much!

[@brandihood9014]

I like that you add that your add that your advice is not specific and direct. Also the way you describe it as well that you should not totally get rid of these feelings. Also about the communication you are right. I often say that my words are like knives and I can or have cut people with my words like a knife. It’s like I have had done to me in the past and the way I was shown to Love. Anyways the first in which I have not only got so much self awareness from your videos, but it is also the way that you yourself communicates towards the public that allows me to take a minute to reflect on my self because yes the trust aspect and criticism level of which you are not directly telling me that I am a bad person in your tone, words and communication is Truly what draws me back to watch another video time and time again. Also in my dim view of society it has given me hope so thank you

[@yael4truth605]

Thank you for the comment that The Narcissist can't empathize with you (i.e. put themselves in your place.) That is so true!

[@HandWarmingRobot13]

I wish I could send this to my ex - who has all these signs and was emotionally and sexually abusive, to encourage them to change. But I have a strong feeling they'd take it badly and turn it around on me somehow. For a while there, they were acting as if they were making a change in their life but shortly after came back to the stock phrases they use to avoid things and accountability so I don't think they're still on that path. Their last break through was realising they always thought of themselves as the victim regardless of the truth and this was an excellent insight. They even let me explain to them how profoundly that had impacted me in the relationship - but I know how hard changing behaviours like this can be (I'm working on my own demons - although almost the exact opposite - I refuse to think about myself, as my therapist keeps pointing out "where are you in all this?"). I also know how deeply they hurt me and many many others though, so I wish I could encourage their betterment without compromising myself. ANy advice?

[@cosminvisan]

Who they ? You had multiple exes that were narcissistic ? Or do you suffer from wokeness ?

[@jamesw3888]

Thank you for this and for all your videos, Dr. Grande. I recognize the damage I have caused as a result of my NPD in my own life and in the lives of others, and am committed to resolving it, which begins with awareness of it, and with your suggestions and strategies to reduce its negative effects. Looking within at what needs to be healed at the root of the problem, which others (Sam Vaknin) have suggeted is closely associated with post-traumatic stress, how does the Narcissist distinguish between genuine positive self-esteem and grandiosity? How does the Narcissist supply his “narcissistic demand” without seeking narcissistic supply from others? How can a person suffering from NPD lead a successful, productive life without injuring others?

[@mariarivero9567]

This is very informative video and your approach is empathic and thoughtful. Hope that narcissists watching try your wise advice. I had a social friend who would not let me finish a thought without interrupting to talk about herself. I finally got so frustrated I gave up on her. She could have benefited great from this video as she really drove people away with her behavior. Excellent and right on Dr Grande!

[@cykurtz7529]

I find the 'lie .. listen', 'chat .. check', and the 'respond .. reflect' word associations helpful. I would add to 'lie .. listen' 'lie or light into .. listen'. I don't lie as a rule simply because I'm not good at it and usually get caught in my own web fairly quickly, but I have done a lot of damage to people and relationships without lying. We can do just as much damage, and just as quickly, by telling hurtful truths.Your mental health videos are an enormous help to me I have been a narcissist since my twenties and I have been a recovering narcissist for about a day and a half.

[@michaelnunes7168]

I seriously needed this because I am very narcissistic and it’s at its worst right now. I try to tell my parents that I am so they can try to get me proper help but they never believe me no matter what I bring up. My desire to change and have empathy is at an all time low and I need it to go back up again. I also have ocd on this topic and the reason why it’s been going down is that I’m creating random scenarios in my mind and I’m acting terrible in that until I learn my lesson in my thought than the narcissism goes away for a brief period of time which is the best part of my days atm. How can I get back to my desires to truly change being high again

[@darthvader78441]

I have always enjoy your videos Dr Grande. I really wish my ex narcissist could change however it's not likely. The ex is 61 years old and still goes through "the idealise,devalue,discard" cycle. Of course the emotional abuse is justified(it always is). Its very, very difficult to see a person whom we're involved with struggle with NPD. They are extremely destructive. I've always struggled with the fact that a narcissist can be so successful, yet struggle with the emotional attachment of friendship and or relationships(using other human beings as a commodity) Thanks again for sharing your insight

[@cosminvisan]

You don't know the meaning of the word "successful". It means to be happy.

[@darthvader78441]

@@cosminvisan I meant successful as in materially wealthy. Success has more than one meaning

[@LBeeeeeee]

Hearing you describe narcissists around the 3:40 Mark makes my stomach turn. My violent alcoholic former partner was bombastic and would yelp review people to their face when he didn’t like their service or get a discount. It was scary. It took a lot of courage to leave him. I didn’t understand about narcissists. I couldn’t afford therapy. KZbin videos really did save me. I can never think Dr. grande enough. Oddly enough, the lightbulb went off for me as I sat listening to a Dr. grande video on the porch with my earbuds hidden in my ears as my partner screamed in my face. When he discovered my earbuds he ripped them out of my ears along with clumps of hair and threw them over the side of the deck. I’ll never forget it. I’m really so glad to say he is my ex. I had to learn so much. It took a lot of learning to get out.

[@katieoconnor3933]

You are appreciated 💛 Your videos are the light at the end of the tunnel. You may never know how you helped save someone's life by giving them hope with your understanding and advice. A very sincere thank you Dr. Grande. 🙏

[@everhopeful3957]

When you look at this it's clear to me that it's an intergrated behaviour to pertain an image of stage by stage pathologically pattern , my ex BPD/Narcassist lied pathalogical , repeated behaviour of signs of these disorders , I retained my composure as best I could over a 2year period of emothional abuse . Your knowledge and sharing is valuable beyond belief Thankyou

[@thomasdjonesn]

This is so cool, and so good. I am eternally grateful for the therapists and counselors in my life that got a hold of me so early and put me on the right tracks. I wish I could convince more people to pay attention to the advice made here.

[@methib3306]

Always take time to make a decision, related to communication, Sleep over it . Obviously some decisions are to be made quickly but many don’t. Waiting a little bit provide you with sometime and ideas and also think about the consequences.👏👏👏 superb Doctor.

[@DCSPEED23]

Thank you for posting these videos. Most videos on narcissist or more directed towards defeating a narcissist etc. There is very little on helping the narcissist

[@magdalena4683]

Great video, Dr. Grande! Especially using the reflection tool instead of self-referencing.

[@iammaximus614]

When the notion of Reacting, Responding comes up.. Substitute with Reflection 🤔 Powerful & will adopt in dealing with people & NPD in general 👌🏽😎

[@neesee520]

I'm a narcissist. This information is such a revelation for me. Thank you! I used to have no clue that I was. It's very clear that I am. I'm so glad I know it because now I can work on it. Thank you again.

[@dgdogg915]

I appreciate this video. I recently found out that I've been living a narssisitic habitual life. My family can't hardly stand being around me (I feel). I don't add positivity to the environment (I feel). I am seeing a councilor. I feel like I'm getting better. The advice on reversing the question when it comes to conversations. I will try to implicate into my conversations skills. Thanks for the advice. Hope all is well.

[@SkynetT800]

I'm always psychoanalyzing my traits. Thanks dr. Grande

[@cherylthompson2731]

Me too

[@tchnque2234]

Me three

[@akaSheilaalien]

If a narc says they love you, ask them what do they love ABOUT you? Lookout for shallow answers and answers revolving around themselves, like: I love how you make me feel about myself (when you give me praise/compliments etc) I love your body/other physical attributes You're a nice person/good heart/ etc ... none of these things listed are unique to you and could be applied to anybody else. so yeah the answer they give, or many even refuse to do so... is quite enlightening.

[@markbrix9385]

Be careful. Such a "test question" could severely damage relationships. Also normal people don't always give special answers to specific questions.

[@akaSheilaalien]

It's important not to argue with them over their answers but they should be able to give an answer of some sort.

[@juliegarceau5414]

I really like your way of explaining. Thank you for this video so interesting!

[@quanzeekaneika8995]

Awesome breakdown. I gotta find a way to "covertly" play this vid for a few narcs in my home. Thanks Dr. Grande💛

[@danielwiltshire8131]

Am I right in thinking it is one of the most undiagnosed personality disorders, due to Narcassist not seeking help?

[@TheBAZZiX]

Yes. Seeking help would mean the narcissist has a "flaw"

[@KK-bq3ns]

Narcissist would have to actually acknowledge the fact that something is wrong. Chances of that happening are slim to none because they don't take ownership for anything.

[@kathrinjohnson2582]

I think schizoid is the most undiagnosed and then paranoid personality. Narcissists fail at life often and then get sent to counseling or they think everyone else has a problem so they go to counseling to complain about everyone else not admiring them enough.

[@joywebster2678]

Family Dr's. Can diagnose a grandiose or overt narc during medical contacts. Since the narc usually isn't seeking help for their superiorness the doc notes the diagnosis and tries to get the person to comply with treatment for their medical issue. Also their tendency to alcoholism and other addictions brings them under review and diagnosis. Again the focus is on the addiction not the personality. So not sure where your assumption comes from.

[@danielwiltshire8131]

@@joywebster2678 Do narcassists even admit to being an alcholic or having a drink problem,? The clever covert narcassist in my family would come across humble at a ten minute appointment. Would not give anything away. The street Angel, house devil is paramount.

[@josephrogers8899]

This is the breakthrough video to actually help the narcissist. Before going forward, You have to stop going backwards.

[@lizl1407]

It was so insightful, how you talked about to a narcissistic person it's not lying, because it's the thing that should be true... This explains so much. In my family it was not so much lying about accomplishments, it was lying about feelings ("I'm not angry" when clearly they were, because they thought they "shouldn't" be angry), or about what they did do or intended to do (lying "of course I did it" when they didn't, when it was something they "should" have done)... I understand now it's like they can't differentiate between what "should" be true and what actually is true.

[@Gwen13061]

After 24 years of marriage, what I see is a real attempt on his part to use these devices. But it feels completely devoid of feeling and true connection. And he attempts to use these efforts (and you can tell they are an effort) in between the extreme self focus. Its disappointing and actually quite uncomfortable to the one on the receiving end.

[@cosminvisan]

Why did you stay 24 years instead of 2 ?

[@KF1349]

I was waiting for this video!! Thank you Dr. Grande! This is right on time for me.

[@elizabethstonem1056]

My long term boyfriend is a narcissist but I love him so much to leave him so I spend a lot of time explaining what this means and that we had to change it for us. After explaining everything clearly for hours it was a long silence so I thought he is thinking and understanding the situation, then he said I’m gonna find whoever found out about narcissism and kill him and I’m gonna show you that I don’t need to change. It’s just so tiring.

[@cosminvisan]

Are you still with him ?

[@randyandretti]

I can just imagine myself or a therapist giving my ex-narc listening and empathy tips. He’d either blow up and disregard or use the new strategies, not to improve himself but as a way of manipulating others. “Oh I see. This is how I pretend to be a good person.” I suppose ‘fake it til you make it’ is the idea here.

[@heidiwhiting443]

Thank you for your video. It brought clear light to the situation I was having with a friend. Helping me to reflect on her situation a little more and understand her behavior. Thanks again

[@laughingwaters8309]

The problem is the narcissist is always in competition with you and you can feel it. At least in my experience, there just was no real communication or willingness to genuinely support or problem solve. It was exhausting. Any insight that was offered in couples counseling was always used to shame me and never used by him to take any responsibility for himself. He only started to make attempts to apply any kind of cooperative communication after it was clear he had no power any more. He never does anything to make my life easier but he uses a lot of words and tactics to try and look good.

[@galedivaris6487]

Thanks again Doctor Grande. You know how to communicate that we can understand. I so appreciate your nonjudgmental attitude. What I have discovered that has helped me, is not to take things too personally. When I have been very shy saying to myself, it's not about me, but about the other person, putting them at ease. The other things you mentioned are very difficult. Definitely having JESUS in my life from a child makes the difference and am thankful every day. I still do have the traits though that doesn't change. Always look forward to your interesting topics.

[@jeremyroastscoffee2495]

These have really helped me gain insight into a great number of things I became very confused about due to being exposed to what I suspect were narcissists. I genuinely questioned whether it was me and I was projecting it outward. Is that a common experience? The whole concept seems confusing and esoteric until you really consider it.

[@jenniferbailey5914]

I was advised by my mental health professional to get away from the Narcissist in my life. Why??? Because there is no cure. Best advice I ever got!

[@JMigUK]

Another excellent insight into the behaviour of people with NPD, thank you very much, it is very helpful indeed

[@markusgumbmann188]

I asked for this video. Thank you so much for all your work!!!! Your videos are amazing

[@servicesaccount4836]

Dr. Grande, do you have any book recommendations for narcissists that desire help changing that you believe would be helpful? Not in substitution for appropriate therapy, but perhaps in conjunction with, or as a precursor. Thank you.

[@benlozier1568]

Would love an answer to this as well

[@JesseW]

Every day, Narcissus was admiring his own reflection in the river. Till one day he stopped, which made the river cry. "Why do you cry river?" The bird asked, "He only came to admire his own reflection". "I know that", replied the river. "But in his eyes, I could see my own reflection".

[@oxxy6678]

So the river was a narcissist too? I dont get the point of the proverb

[@JesseW]

@@oxxy6678 There's a narcissist in everyone.

[@angelav2906]

Thank you, appreciate the way you break things down. Really enjoy your content.

[@darrellmoore5349]

Life changing and life saving information. I have to now put plenty of energy into recovery. Thank you Dr. Todd for the information

[@BJ-mb2ug]

This is a wonderful breakdown of this condition. Thank you!

[@johnkahare8583]

Thanks Dr Grande, I left the relationship , as I speak I feel peaceful. Thanx a lot Dr, may God bless you

[@hellomoto5870]

Thank you so much for this video 🙏🏼

[@tannenbaum3807]

Dr. Grande. Could you please do another video like this but specifically on covert narcissism? Thank you.

[@jenniferd1171]

Agree - yes please. I am a covert narcissist looking high and low for recovery information

[@angelajimenez4148]

Good video. I appreciate your thoughts and how you explain things! Thank you Dr. Grande.

[@ageckomiller]

Damn her mother is an extremely strong overt and her father I believe is vulnerable. I've been with my wife since we were 15. We're both 43 now and I'm absolutely beside myself. We both have sat at the table for hours every night. I've showed her all the evidence, all the notices I took with her and our daughter/my self. She was a very open little girl who tried to grasp on to anyone who could show her emotion. She told me even in Jr high her first boyfriend would take her away to a corner to make out and then take off. Lasted 2 months and she was absolutely devastated. She has harbored every bad emotional feeling for nearly 30 years. She really only started to show signs a couple years ago and I took notice. She has expressed many emotions in the last month and is terrified for our daughter AND our family as a whole. The layers of hurt in her I've peeled back are unreal. I'm hoping something can change for her. But sometimes, I asked her last week. When she sees a beautiful sunset, and she's the one to point them out, I ask her how it makes her feel and she says good. Then I ask her again but this time to answer me from the heart, she says, alone. 😥 I ask her where she feels comfortable enough to feel she can open and free, she says the ocean, she dies to see the ocean, anywhere. (We visit her sister in Rhode Island often and have been to the Caribbean twice.) I ask her when she's there, looking at the ocean, hood she feels, she says, "alone. Even if you or autumn (her sister) or Savannah (our daughter) are there.😥 I don't know what to do about that one. It's tuff. I know my daughter is in her heart and biggest interest in not hurting. That's all that matters to me. I'm not leaving either of them. Ever. I've watched this girl love me dearly when she was younger.

[@swissrootful]

brilliant, Dr. Grande, and very helpful! and the letter memorizing of key words! love it, will write it down right now: instead of react, reflect...chat - check in, and... (will go back and find it), thanks,, ah.. listen instead lying....

[@væder_volk_veter]

Dr. Todd Grande. Please help me brain storm possible reasons why one person in a relationship tends to feel happy/content while the other is sad/upset. And when the other is happy/content, this person feels sad/upset.

[@marielaaleiramh3819]

Thank you Dr. Grande very well prepared you are so smart 😘. This topic is very interesting. 👏👏👏

[@faithandreadoire777]

Reflecting instead of responding is a great way to get through to other people

[@magdalena.slavova]

Do you have actual data for such cases (diagnosed narcs) that changed (and in what degree they have changed)?

[@sheldacalland4345]

So as I’m not a doctor and cannot diagnose anyone I believe I have a close family member that is a covert narcissist. I believe this because she checks off all the boxes , no empathy , grandiose, manipulative, Gaslighting , not self aware, mean but only behind closed doors and on and on it goes . I would like to know if a narcissist can get narcissistic supply from things , tv , animals, shopping, reading ? I’m just curious because I’ve observed some behavior that I find odd . Thank you , I find your videos very helpful . I feel at this point knowledge is power .

[@natashamudford4011]

Maybe this person is an introvert, meaning they need time alone to recharge their batteries. Introversion is frowned upon in western society for some strange reason. I have never heard the question about getting supply from things rather than people. I thought supply meant the boost a narcissist gets from provoking an emotional reaction from a person. Sounds to me like this person just likes certain activities that don't necessarily involve another person. "Quiet" by Susan Cain is a very good book about introversion.

[@KK-bq3ns]

Narcissist can absolutely get supply from pets, etc. As I've learned since studying this diabolical disorder.

[@joywebster2678]

Recheck ur list for covert narcs....they aren't grandiose.....so have to compare correct list to behaviour seen

[@ghanamother6139]

Sam Vaknin coins Primary Source of supply as Things, Places, Admiration, Approval and people as Secondary scourcesof supply... he needs the ADMIRATION from the people around him but it’s not the people who stimulates him... got it???

[@sheldacalland4345]

Natasha Mudford I hear what your saying but she isn’t shy or withdrawn She is getting something from reading books , literally thousands. She is very manipulative and cunning. Very controlling and nasty but only to anyone who doesn’t go along with her ideas or views . She has absolutely no empathy I mean none , it’s actually disturbing how empty she is . Now with that said in public she’s able to fake her way through certain things but only for a few hours. If she’s not the center of attention for example a wedding then she makes an appearance then she’s ready to go . I really don’t know like I said I’m not a doctor but this is behavior that’s not just out of the norm it’s down right weird . Oh and she’s nasty , as in hates everyone, anti everything and everyone but I’m the only one that hears her rants in front of them she’s nice . It’s like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde . I feel like someone has drained all the blood out of my body almost everyday. Once in a while we have a good day when she’s kind but those days are few and far between.

[@SweetBlackSistah]

You are super articulate with your explaining examples in depth with all of your videos. Another great one Doc! 🖒🖒

[@markdavis5486]

I'd love to hear more about this. Are there any good books on how a narcissist can work on changing?

[@irinapechekhonova1967]

Hello, Dr. Grande. I second this question. Please tell us if there are books you recommend. Thank you.

[@heathercruz8282]

I've taken your advice to my counselor its been extremely helpful..Thanks Dr.Grande

[@luhkeemee]

You are really good at explaining topics like these in easy to understand formats and you cover just the right amount of details. I love your videos--thank you, thank you, thank you!! 😁

[@FrancesShear]

Dr. Grande am I right when reflecting that narcissism is caused by loss of trust in all other human beings to some degree or other and so their ability for intimacy becomes so problematic that they end up almost all the time during their life time [unless there is a successful intervention] either starving for genuine intimacy or lashing out from their sense of self-righteousness and/or grandiose sense of entitlement with lies while hoping to live vicariously through others? Which is why living is so much harder for them more and more as they age. Very difficult to give an adult living like that in deep distrust of all others while pretending to trust the unconditional love they need to experience in order to become motivated enough to break out from behind their mask wearing but not impossible when that unconditional love is offered from a well organized care giving team in which each person on that team is maintaining their own proper boundaries and modelling that to the narcissist with love.

[@imanelyazid4215]

This is actually so helpful thank you so much

[@kristendelgado7933]

At 12:26 Dr. Grande talks about reflecting versus responding, which is very good advice. However, as a lonely person who desires connection, I must ask when can I talk about myself? Never? Does my recovery require that I shrink away and become nothing? To diminish my narcissism, I must only serve as a surface, reflecting words back to other people. It’s not okay to desire reciprocal interaction? So depressing.

[@billyblim1213]

I don't think that is what he was saying. The important thing would be to not make the other person's issue about you. You have to realize their issues are just as important as yours are - and that rushing in with your own story can make them feel unheard and unappreciated (regardless of your motivation). If this is a problem you have, make 110% sure you have fully heard the other person before you start talking about your own story. You might even want to let the conversation drift to something else for a while before you say, "Well, I am also having a problem at work that I'd like to share."

[@stephencarlsbad]

It's true, personality usually doesn't change much. Mike Tyson comes to mind as someone who completely transformed his personality.

[@tonyatee3832]

Wow you’re right. He did. I think consequences can have a positive impact on some narcissist.

[@joywebster2678]

His personality issues were are compounded by multiple severe head traumas. Hard to know who he really was, or is, without damage and chemicals.

[@Adara007]

When I asked my mother, a covert narcissist, to come to therapy with me she refused. I think she felt deeply threatened by not being in the situation of control, let alone the likelihood she'd be confronted by her toxic behaviours when I was younger. I wish I could send this video to her but she'd interpret it as an attack rather than an attempt to help. Thanks for your insightful and objective analysis on this issue.

[@MsLuvmusic81]

of course, if they won't have control they aren't interested

[@oieci9801]

Thank you very much for your help ❤

[@seegybogy3353]

00:50 1st Tip 04:25 2nd Tip 05:15 3rd Tip 09:29 4th Tip 10:14 5th Tip 10:29 6th Tip 10:52 7th Tip 12:04 8th Tip

[@ruby-qv5bd]

Beautiful video. I just loved this one. It is so thoughtful and I am certain helpful to many. I can take something away from this video myself. Reminding me to slow down and think things through before I say something I may regret later. It really is not so difficult to do these things if you really want to show care and concern for others.

[@darrynreid4500]

I think it is true for people as a rule of thumb that the state of mind follows action at least as much, and often more, than the other way around. Yet it is very common to hear people assuming that the resolution to problems will come by somehow getting their mind right and then their desired outcomes will follow, through better actions. I think it makes more sense to first deliberately change action to align better with goals and the state of mind will follow. I therefore took from your talk here that you essentially consider CBT as being potentially the most effective approach clinically to improving the life a person who is experiencing recognised difficulties because of their narcissistic traits.

[@davidthomspson9771]

Change is possible...in my case a vulnerable it took an act of God literally.😁👍

[@davidthomspson9771]

Introspection is a must.

[@LemonSte]

Yep, I'm getting better myself. Grandiose though, maybe a touch of vulnerable as I like to talk about my problems a lot lol ..

[@Think-dont-believe]

David Thomspson So you are a vulnerable? Or your spouse?

[@joannecraft9842]

@@Think-dont-believe I just have to believe some where vulnerable at some point in their lives. And they build themselves up with grandiose ideas. To keep those feelings alive in themselves they need to tear down others. It would be vulnerable for a narcissist to say I'm wrong and I'm hurting others. I look it as a person who cuts themselves. They hurt themselves to soothe. A narcissist hurts others to soothe.

[@joannecraft9842]

@@LemonSte can you feel empathy? Not fake it but really put yourself in others feelings. I think a narcissist needs to FEEL what it is they don't want to.

[@K87jk]

I swear who ever dislikes these free helpful videos packed with value is a piece of shit. Thank you Dr. I study psychology and your videos really do help :)

[@paulinekononovich5398]

That was very helpful information. I am working on fixing my way of handling things. I am only becoming aware of how I am preceived by others.

[@kjason8114]

Dr. Todd, I'm wondering what you think about the ethical ramifications of treating those with NPD and APD/Psychopathy? I know there are studies that suggest the treatment of psychopaths will likely lead to those individuals becoming more effective and adaptive predators. In fact I think one study on psychopathic inmates found that those who went through psychotherapy were more likely to re-offend. I'm finding this issue to be an important question regarding therapy and counseling; is it ethical to be assisting those with psychopathy or malignant narcissism when it might just result in those individuals becoming better predators? I would love your thoughts on this subject.

[@ghanamother6139]

K Jason yes the timeless adage of “throwing good after bad”.... if they won’t allow you to sell your organs to the highest bidder then....,,

[@tamartabatadze9305]

I just had such ideas when listening to the video, as if teaching narcissists how to lie better and how to manupulate better Main thing about them is that they are not nice, not kind, have no heart, they can hurt, give themselves a black eye and call police you did it, if you unmask them and try to leave. How can you help such person to change? Not teach them how to listen or how to check but tell them it is unhappy life for them and their surroundings , it is cruel and satanism, the victim will leave one day and survive but the natcissist will be all alone one day, empty soul, nothing happy and joyful in the heart. Only hatred and envy. They are destinied to be miserable and are miserable. Real happiness is to know you love and you are loved. Parents, teachers, doctors should focus on teaching such things to children.

[@kjason8114]

@@ghanamother6139 I'm sorry but I didn't understand your comment. Could you elaborate on that a bit? I'm interested to know what it is that you were referencing.

[@janefinley-english9695]

Your tricks & tips are always spot on & memorable! Thank you. ♥️✌🏽

[@kimberly5946]

❤💎❤ your videos are like gold ❤💎❤

[@LadyBug3178]

Excellent! Thank you!

[@lugaritzbrown2250]

such awareness can be incalcated in our childhood through our education system.

[@maricamaas5555]

Becoming self aware and then taking one's thoughts captive - training one's mind to also function logically - this is possible; yet only if one takes up the responsibility to do so. It is helpful to realise that automatic reactions are driven by fight/flight/freeze/fall fear responses and emotional/feeling brain activity; this towards self-preservation. Without proper self awareness - when in a fearful state - one cannot see others for who and how they really are. One need to learn how to calm down the autonomous nervous system, put fear responses in proper perspective, as well as how to relate to others differently - Bessel van der Kolk (THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE).

[@maricamaas5555]

This is the challenge as one identifies these traits in oneself; it is like looking in a mirror...

[@FrancesShear]

Dr. Grande maybe another question to consider on the subject of narcissism in general could be, why should a narcissist change if their narcissistic outlook on life has served themselves well enough thus far? For example, why would any narcissist offer any of their own ideas on any subject when asked without expecting more back for themselves for doing so each time they do so? Or in another example, why should any narcissist stop accusing others and belittling others when they admit reservations about a certain action to do while thinking better of themselves than whom they are accusing of whatever if doing so might mean a better chance for them to be promoted in social status and be able to hang onto more than one source of narcissistic supply at the same time too?

[@OolTube02]

"The lie doesn't feel like a lie. The lie feels like what should have been the truth to the narcissist." Oh man, that explains so much about Donald Trump...!

[@tannenbaum3807]

Or Trump haters when listening to liberal media. This doesn't make me a Trump supporter. Just food for thought.

[@OolTube02]

@@tannenbaum3807 His first order of the day after being sworn in was to prove his inauguration crowd had been much larger than that of his objectively much more popular predecessor. That was important to him. Not running the country. Proving he was more popular. Dude, how much more cartoonishly narcissistic can a person be? How can you look at this and not come to the obvious diagnosis of a person with the most fragile ego and an insane need for attention and worship? Who are you? How is your brain wired to deny this? Is there a video on narcissist enablers, because I'm curious to find out what makes _you_ tick.

[@tannenbaum3807]

@@OolTube02 lol woa. Calm down little man. You're proving my point that Trump haters have they're own issues narcissistically. So easily triggered and ready to lash out at the drop of a hat if you perceive someone is challenging your fragile ego... What part of "this doesn't make me a Trump supporter" didn't you read? This says nothing about my views or stance on the guy. At all. My point is you (we) have enough to work on yourself (ourselves) without externally (narcissistically) projecting it onto others. Watch more Dr. Grande videos man... its not typically what a narcissist would do but you gotta reflect on your own toxicity.

[@OolTube02]

@@tannenbaum3807 Focusing most of his energy in the first few weeks on proving his inauguration crowd was bigger than that of the guy who was the first black guy to hold the office, in a city full of black people in walking distance, who had gotten the popular vote, and whose legitimate citizenship he tried to disprove for some reason before running himself, is not narcissistic and delusional? I don't care what you are, what you label yourself as -- Trump supporter or no. What you clearly are is a narcissism denier. And that is what makes me wonder what makes you tick. What is the motivation behind this clothes-on-the-naked-Emperor projection? There's a video about the narcissist's "flying monkeys," but I haven't had a chance to listen to it thoroughly yet...

[@HeadStronger-HS]

And everyone else in government.

[@whoever6458]

Anyone who has sat in meditation for even a few moments knows that thoughts are pretty automatic but how you view them once they come isn't. However, that part is pretty damn hard too, which is why every single one of us who meditates, even if we've been meditating for a very long time, thinks, gets distracted, and has to return to the notion of meditating. What I have learned is that the very act of meditation is always returning and not at all a state in which no thoughts arise.