Ten Signs of Covert Narcissism

[@danae-rain3019]

One day I typed into Google " why would someone be cruel to you when you are ill?" . The answer came up because they are a narcissist. I had never heard of a covert narcissist. I always felt sorry for my husband. When I threaten to leave he weeps uncontrollably. Then pulls the same shit next week. If I had understood covert narcissism I would never have married him.

[@Rockgirl21]

I understand completely

[@NazirAhmed-cs1ub]

38years with a controlling,manipulative, self centered, liar, cheat and a thief. I am going through a rollercoaster atm 10months free and I'm frightened of another side of what he's capable of doing and probably will do. You never know someone 💯% as I'm experiencing and going through it. Thank you I find it helpful 😊

[@Laura-nl8df]

I'll bet he's got a Borderline personality disorder too. Npd is a common comorbidity to BPD. One of the worst Cluster B personality disorder combinations walking around. They do not change. They only become more covert.

[@notyourpunchingbag1431]

@@NazirAhmed-cs1ub 38 years? Are you like on the 1800’s ! I mean how many lives did you thought you had

[@susanharris3552]

​@@notyourpunchingbag1431 I'm divorcing my narcissist after 35 years together. Yes it's a long time. And yes it's painful.

[@bmille2121]

you said they punish by withdrawing , give you the silent treatment and abuse through neglect by withholding things like attention Spot on.

[@angelak4389]

100000000 %

[@jamesheath7596]

A covert narcissist will never forget a perceived slight, insult or a bad deed done to them. They will store it for ever, waiting for their moment to strike back.

[@psalm1197]

Absolutely

[@samscarletta7433]

They will be waiting a long time.. I'm out of that mess.

[@psalm1197]

@@samscarletta7433 same!

[@mikevanleeuwen4912]

Ex: i remember every detail of times you fucked up Me: so when did you start cheating on me Ex: i can't remember those details

[@MJ-qb5ph]

They probably caused it

[@JohnSmith-bm6zg]

They have a long memory in regards to themselves, but no memory in regards to you.

[@clincpb8903]

Bearing grudge and being vindictive

[@kidkanoo]

This sums it up perfectly 🙌🏼

[@beckymcmanus3367]

well put

[@nomg563]

Bearing a grudge is not limited to narcissists though.

[@cassiebennet4262]

Spot on. This is a perfect description of my husband's behavior. No solution, suggested for their endless problems, is sufficient. They don't want solutions. They want to be miserable and make everyone else miserable in the process.

[@hellzgurl]

I feel you. I'm married to one too...

[@daedalusjones4228]

My father, precisely.

[@clawdabove1941]

My mother is a covert narcissist and my brother, the golden child, is an overt narcissist. He's busy turning his son into the next narc in the family. Both my mother and brother have made my life and my father's life miserable. My father is so beaten down by their constant abuse that he sided with my mother when I told her she hurt my feelings. I was disowned for standing my ground. I've gone no contact after counselling and realising that I was the scapegoat in our dysfunctional family. Life has never been better. That constant negativity and drama makes you ill.

[@KatWoodland]

@clawdabove1941 Why are there so many of these narc?

[@shanerob681]

Seething rage, contempt and the triangulation and scheming behind my back all while showing a nice face publicly. I didn’t learn he was smearing my name until the very end of the relationship.

[@chocolatesugar4434]

💔❤️

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

They crave attention like toddlers and if you ignore them, they will constantly nag you for it. If you don't greet them first, you can best believe they will force a greet

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

They are materialistic too and love to brag. They are worse than overt narcs, only quieter. They eavesdrop on others' conversations and later question them about it as though they are concerned. They will feign illnesses to get attention and sympathy. Yep, they are great at triangulation and stand on the sidelines and watch while things unfold. Whilst others are in chaos, coverts are calm and unnerving and get a kick out of it

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

They are needy and clingy and want sympathy

[@sh6460]

Exactly

[@amandaroberts5111]

It has taken all these years to realize my only brother is one,and at sixty seven is getting worse, so l am going grey rock whenever possible.

[@deconstructing7307]

My sister! She's 57 and ten years older than me. I suddenly realize why I've always hated her despite her "kindness," why she always seems too stupid to understand the simplest of concepts, and why she has never treated me as an equal. I'm a master at gray rock, but I developed it instinctively, without awareness of it as a defense strategy (freeze, flight). Now I feel fully justified in being cold around her without faking niceties. ❤

[@KelseyDavis-f8u]

This past year I finally realized my partner of 8 years and father two is indeed one too. I have to leave this relationship before it destroys me. It’s quite difficult, because I don’t want to damage our 4 year old anymore then our relationship already has. I would never attempt to remove him from their lives, but maybe a shared parenting , would be better for everyone. When we have time away, the first day back isn’t as difficult . If that makes sense.. Our other babe is nine months, so with them both young I hope and even pray he will agree to be civil for them. I guess I just want to send you solidarity and hope you can find a safe ground with your brother I’m sure you love. Hard when it’s someone you love and cannot simply “remove” from your life, but need to figure out how to safely live with

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad, instead. He still blames everyone but himself, who is 100% at fault. I gave up on his bullshit!

[@bereal6590]

Being around them, everything about them (unless you're doing saying thinking feeling behaving how they want) is negative, negative negative! The way they're able to control from a back seat is phenomenal. Plus they don't have your back! When the rubber hits the road they'll put themselves first, every single time. When they do something for you, there is always something in it for them.

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

Really? I think I am a Covert Narc, but I am very loyal to the few people who have my back. Of course I hate criticism, chastisement, and punishment, but I’ll stick with my true friends until the end.

[@Rockgirl21]

You must have used my ex-husband as a case study. Until recently, I denied he was a narcissist because he didn't fit the grandiose behavior that I thought was the only form of narcissism. Thank you for for informative videos.

[@wendyelliott6828]

My step daughter is perfectly described here!

[@Mkr7942]

Me too.

[@ria2159]

My mother and sister, too.

[@Ad-Lo]

Chilling how accurate this is.

[@daedalusjones4228]

How accurate and how comprehensive.

[@tonytrinidad4409]

Yes it is

[@janskeet1382]

It went like this. ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅

[@dianemoril7612]

"vulnerable narcissists tend to live a life of unfulfillment, constant strain and negative emotions." my ex, in one sentence. I was still wondering but nah... that's it!

[@GustavoGarcia-hi4yq]

Literally me :(

[@endofscene]

@@GustavoGarcia-hi4yq If we're aware of it, then we can start to do something about it. It may take us a long time to work on ourselves, but it's possible for us to heal and get better

[@androandric1823]

I know what you mean. I am currently divorcing one covert.

[@notbill08]

Covert vulnerable narcissist wear a mask to everyone but their closest relationships. They save their anger and abuse for spouse or partner. Because their behaviors are not as extreme as a grandiose narcissist, they can stay years in relationships. I realized my ex husband ( of 35 years!) was a covert narcissist only after my divorce when I was in therapy. It is particularly devastating because almost no one believes you that behind closed doors, he was emotionally and physically abusive.

[@mariagilchrist3173]

Completely agree with you! My ex narc was so two faced… nobody could possibly believe he abused me mentally.. they would say “he is such a nice guy” he really had so many people fooled.

[@sandraleehurst7350]

My divorce from a covert narcissist of 31 yrs will be final July 9th. I’m responsible to your comment a year later. How are you doing now?

[@notbill08]

@@sandraleehurst7350 Really well! One of the key factors in my healing was detachment. Also the acceptance of knowing that you know the truth regardless of what anyone else says. I don't watch a lot of videos on narcissism (it's better not to wallow in depression) but Dr. Ramani has a great video on "Recovering from realizing your life with a narcissist was a lie" Really helped! How are you?

[@sandraleehurst7350]

@@notbill08 , so good to hear. I’m still in the middle of it all bc he was “ caregiver “ for the past decade ( literally). I was med injured in 2014, list so much wight, I was bedridden, on a piic line and feeding tube, the whole 9 yards. I was being emotionally and psychologically abused. Name calling, etc… I’m regaining my health. I guess it’s threatening him so he assaulted me Dec 5th. He used to be physically abusive but i went OTR truck driving . I guess that’s how I coped with it. He stopped the physical abuse and I was just too damn sick to realize how bad the other abuse was. I have a criminal protection order against him for 3 yrs. I’m in counseling and group therapy. I’m staying close to my kids and gkids. Doing better than I have in a decade. 😊

[@tjmizzi6023]

❤

[@swampholler]

It took a long time to realize that creating negative reactions in others, even to the point of being enraged, are just as yummy as positive reactions. It's just food. Manipulating someone until they lash out is prime rib and baked potatoes. Then they hold on to that play wound and will use it for the rest of their life. It's the gift that keeps on giving. The only feeling might be a Narc wound. Not hurt by the actual criticism, they're perfect after all, hurt that someone tried to be out of their control. And what I used to see as him being vulnerable, was play acting, an attempt to bring the target back into better control. It was a yummy nugget used to manipulate. Manipulate the person and manipulate others against that person. I often saw a split second gleam of "Gotcha!" in the eyes, right before the head hanging pain. Reality, it gave satisfaction. I had to learn to never react in front of them. Deeply wounded is not the same as harboring a deep resentment. I saw that being wounded crap as a way to get sympathy. Extra points if it was from professionals. CN I was thinking of would cry and "I can't take it anymore" then laugh on the way home, "I've got her wrapped around my finger. " One time he did the look vulnerable, down to the floor, sharing a deep seated secret he was suicidal to a social worker. She made us take him to ER. He was eating up the compassion there. They're admitting him. I go to get the boys. Come back. He's been discharged. He told me, "It wasn't fun any more."

[@kourtenayt1927]

These people are so hard to spot as they constantly confuse you... I recently realized my best friend of 25+ years is a vulnerable narc. It's a hard pill to swallow but it finally makes everything make sense

[@judithdasta3969]

Why try to spot a narcissist? What the heck are we doing? All this categorizing is dividing families, friends and potential friends. You have a friend of 25 years-treasure this person.

[@kourtenayt1927]

@judithdasta3969 uhh no. You don't keep people in your life who are treating you badly bcuz of some time frame you have known them.... that's really toxic. That's like telling someone to stay in a bad marriage bcuz they been married a long time. People stay in bad relationships/friendships for all sorts of reasons that don't make it good for them

[@judithdasta3969]

@@kourtenayt1927 I have seen the horrible effects of labeling in my own family. My son labeled my daughter as a covert narcissist because she fit a few of the “so called” traits. Now, he looks at everything she says as being narcissistic. She is a loving, empathetic person and is deeply hurt to be labeled like this. Once you put people in a box, it can destroy relationships. Now my daughter is afraid of how to act around her own brother. He thinks he knows why she does or says something, and he is so wrong. The Internet is full of psychologists giving advice on how to “rid people” out of your lives. ANd because of this, our society has become more divided because people over scrutinize everything a person says or does.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

A wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

Absolutely!!!

[@michaelgmyhan6277]

Some of them actually have tattoos of the wolf lol ...like a badge of honor.

[@SwedishTourist]

Ugh, I hooked up with a covert narcissist over a period of time. Should have trusted my instincts. Even if we weren’t close he manipulated me and discarded me, and did it effectively. Plus he checks ALL of the boxes. And people around him doesn’t know about his narcissistic personality, they just say ”he’s been burnt, he’s just immature, he’s insecure”. Yeah, sure, he’s all of that - but he also has one of the biggest egos in town. Yesterday I decided I need to just let go. He will never apologise, he won’t feel sorry.

[@KaiZen...]

Spot on definitions, thank you for the re-validation. Covert Malignant Narcissist Father is a NPD superstar. Grand in the "I AM YOUR FATHER, DON'T THINK THAT OF ME BOY!" mode, and confused, weak and victimised when the overt control is not working. Exhausting and confusing, no contact from the whole family system for me is the only survival method available. I can only imagine the crimes I am now responsible for in their toxic, cult clan echo chamber. Onwards to healthy respect and love where it is wanted and valued.

[@susansheldon2707]

The "cult clan echo chamber"! Yes! I think that's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with when going no contact: realizing how badly my name / reputation is and has been been trashed. And of how many family /acquaintance minions are unchallengingly and baselessly accepting the slander and malicious accusations as "truth." When they can't trash you personally, they drag your name through the pit of their own moral filth.

[@daedalusjones4228]

I’ve now looked at some videos about narcissism from other people - and can definitively say that THIS channel is the best, the most objective, and the most professional.

[@AutumnTrees]

One of the best and most complete and easy to follow summary list of covert narcissist traits I've watched. I appreciate the manner in which you deliver the info as well. Easy going, not over-dramatized. Great video and content. Thank you.

[@daedalusjones4228]

Darren is the most PROFESSIONAL person I've found in my search for info on this subject. I mean his demeanor, professional integrity, care in choosing his words, and his grasp of the seriousness of this subject. The life-and-death aspect of it. The daily misery. They maim you.

[@3StrikesReform]

I asked God to show himself to me and he sent this video to my suggestions. This is my mother! And I am the scapegoat child. I have been abused by neglect and gaslighted when I react to the abuse my entire life. Thank you for this video. You have awakened a fire in me. I have to get away from her.

[@josejuja]

My SO alternates between thinking she's the greatest thing since sliced bread while claiming I'm worthless to feeling like a poor vulnerable victim who needs "love" and unconditional support

[@glowblendwellness2024]

You just describe my life living with my husband in 11 minutes. Everyone thought I was a bad wife, not knowing i am going through with my narcissistic abuser husband. He's so nice to outsiders, but the children and I are being abused. All his friends side him based on what they see him do for people

[@Sunny-od2wp]

number 11...Paranioa/mind reading. Constantly, on a daily basis claiming they know what I'm thinking and it's always negative. Not paying enough attention or even a wrong glance, or just about anything for that matter, was met with 'you don't really love me' or 'you don't want to be with me' The constant reassurances needed from that kind of insecurity was exhausting, and so hurtful to be constantly defending myself and my total love I had for her....

[@Roswell33]

I was worried I was a covert Narcissist (like my mother) but I always felt more like an HSP empath. Then I was diagnosed with Autism, so it all makes sense now! Still trying to tell myself I'm not a narc! I care waay too much about others feelings, but my mother thinks she does too. She doesn't

[@ryantaylor4015]

ok thank you for sharing

[@theyrekrnations8990]

Ive got people who know my so called dad and they think he is great, old school biker guy, in a club and everyone knows him. They have even said "I wish I had a dad like you have". I'm like huh? He was never even a parent. He never bonded, he never provided, he only dished out shame and humiliation to me, it's almost like he hated me and wanted to injure me rather than give his child guidance in life. I know first hand what the covert narc is like . They have serious issues. They are very self centered and have no idea what's going on with others

[@marysteelman6534]

I’m 66 years old and have been under the control of my narcissistic brother and father all my life. My parents recently died, so brother is in full-on control mode. Fortunately, he has a new girlfriend who he believes is perfect and the source of narcissistic fuel forever. I see this as a singular opportunity for me to escape. I hate to dump this on the new girl, but they appear to be a perfect match. Everything you’ve said is 100% truth. I am winding up my parents’ estate as quickly as possible so that I will be truly free to live my own version of my life…for whatever of my life is left. Thank you for articulating this truth so clearly. I’m saving it for review.

[@yamlwoz]

After 40 years knowing my mother wasn't 'right' and the last 15 or so knowing she was a covert narc, I truly now believe she's Borderline. Though she perfectly fits what you've just described, the book 'Understanding Your Borderline Mother' also describes her behaviour exactly. She fits the Queen and Witch sub-types to a tee. No matter what you call it, it's very unpleasant to be around. But clarity on my part has made a massive difference. I finally know that I'm not at fault.

[@erikavaleries]

Mine too. It's a horrible start to life

[@susansheldon2707]

My older (74) sister was diagnosed about 15 years ago as Borderline, and she, too, displays a high degree of narcissism whenever she goes through another Borderline episode. She recently attacked me viciously via written letters, accusing me of all manner of purely imagined crazy, rotten things, then declaring she's done with me. I decided at last to stop being patient with her and to accept complete no contact with her from now on. I can't fix crazy with patience or even with love. It's sad.

[@yamlwoz]

@@susansheldon2707 it is sad, but how long, how much effort, wasted love and heartbreak are we supposed to endure? I wish I'd gone no contact with my mother years ago. She's 86 now and I suppose I'm resigned to just getting through whatever is left to her, but next month I'm going on a road trip for about a year. Can't wait to be shot of her for that time except occasional phone calls. She doesn't even deserve that much. I'm really glad that you've decided to let your sister go. Be free, be happy and take it from me, there's no guilt to feel, just the true peace that you've never felt before 🌹

[@yamlwoz]

@@erikavaleries it really is. I'm so sorry you know all about it 🌹

[@erikavaleries]

@@yamlwoz HUGS 🤗

[@denisevalley9021]

Same here! 29 years of telling me he doesn't want to be that person, however he is!

[@kingsix2000]

This need for reassurance is a way to eternally regulate their negative emotions that they can't handle themselves.

[@sonjawilliams989]

Ah Mother. Went no contact a year ago and don't miss her crazy crap one little bit.

[@valeriemcknight5608]

This describes my late mother to a T. My late father used to jokingly refer to her as "St. Jane the Martyr" because she made everyone feel "less than", that she was the only one who worked so hard, was so giving, why does everyone have to come to me for help, nobody appreciates what I do, etc. etc. But what it did was create a serious lack of self-esteem for me. The constant guilting-out and invalidating did a lot of damage, and it took me many years to finally come to terms with it. Thank you for your insightful videos -- healing is an ongoing process and these videos really help.

[@ben10hanson]

How did you reclaim your self confidence?

[@meganowen8187]

Excruciatingly accurate. Thank you for putting this so succinctly.

[@wendyelliott6828]

I used to ask, “Why would she do/say that?” Darren, you just nailed it!!

[@adriannebritton525]

About 2 months ago I was explaining to my daughter a friend who seems to have a black cloud over their head. Several issues they have had because of poor choices. But it’s so overwhelming. My daughter said they sound like a vulnerable narcissist. I was blown away when I looked it up. Yep here is the info and they create lots of drama. Here it is in black and white . Thank you.

[@ben10hanson]

Yeah it's sad to me that when you really genuinely try for a rational discussion, trying to be very fair towards them it somehow never seems to go past a certain point no matter what you say or how much you talk to them about it. They may entertain the conversation and provoke conversations with you over those things, things you tried to talk to them about because they want your attention and will run you around and around in circles over something in your relationship for days, weeks, years, they never acknowledge the flaws in your dynamic no matter how specific you are or how often or how hard you try. It can drive you completely crazy and they just do not care, if anything they like the sense of control they have over your emotions through their constant denials. It's somehow both an inability and a refusal to change. Sometimes I would confront them on those things, and had huge fights over, quite literally, who was in control of MY life. I had to fight them over control of my own life, my autonomy and personal ability to make decisions for myself uninfluenced by them, I had many arguments over this after being depressed for years because I realized they didnt necessarily want to help me become "too healthy" mentally, too confident especially socially and definitely romantically. They would approach other family members to ask "what's going on with [me]" only presenting their version and narrative to selectively get feedback and reject anything that did not align with their control over me. I think they saw my ideas of "change" to be them losing in some way, or threatening to the relationship we have because I supplied them with so much attention and time, which any change to that is perceived as bad even if it means me being happier or getting what I want out of life. It is an excruciatingly deep and unhealthy attachment. They seem to be unaware of their own motivations to an extent but also keep secrets from you and will never ever admit to undeniable truths. They triangulated with other close ones and involve themselves on both sides of disputes as a pretend mediator just to remain in a high attention important role without any true intention of actually helping resolve the conflict, because they do not have to in order to get what they want out of it, to be the center of attention and feed off of everyone in it. This is so difficult to come to terms with and made me feel very rejected and used by those closest to me. I have reflected a lot internally and tried to remain healthy and grow, so I hope I do not become a covert narcissist myself, but I see how they feed off of and use others and it disgusts me, in a way I feel above that "need" even superior to it because I am not driven to do this to others and while lonely and unhappy I have learned over time to provide myself with what I need emotionally, however I am very close in relationships and feel easily rejected, have negative thoughts very often, high anxiety, and feel very seperated from others in general. I can't help but have suspicions over other people, my friends see me as both hypervigilant and paraniod, I'm a socially anxious adult who's attractive but barely date, I feel lost in relationships, boo hoo. If you went through this your are not alone, and neither am I.

[@andydufresne8034]

My dad only wanted one child but my mom perceived that my older sister loved him while rejecting her in the year after she was born and demanded they have a second child, which she would claim as her own. I was born to feed my mom's insecurity, and she aggresively tried to stop my dad from teaching me his good lessons to instead fill my head with her insanity. My resulting struggles in life are not her fault but rather the result of me reading astrology books as a teen and opening the door to demonic possession.

[@WoundedWarrior77]

May God keep you and protect you.

[@SwiftestGamer]

I think that I may be a covert narcissist, or at least exhibit a lot of traits of them. I read through one of my journals and the problems that I dealt with back when I was a teen to now (24) have remained largely the same. I feel sick that the only thing I can think of is how hard I have it in comparison to others. I want to improve and do better, and I do believe this is the first step toward doing better.

[@superhappy2880]

A TRUE Narcissist (NPD diagnosed) will never think or wonder if they are a narcissist. I think you are brave to look into this for yourself and that also says you aren’t a narcissist ❤

[@ThisSillyPaw]

@@superhappy2880 I have diagnosed NPD and yes you can be aware you have NPD all though it is not common, it is a myth that people with NPD cannot be aware, they 100% can.

[@sxxon751]

@@ThisSillyPawyea I had a narcissist friend back in university who was quite open with being a narcissist.

[@gordo6908]

from what ive read, narcissism is caused by very early trauma. other problems can also manifest similarly to narcissism, like cptsd. if you really wanna know probably gonna have to get tested by professionals a few times

[@timmywitty1432]

@@superhappy2880 that’s not true, many cluster b personality disordered people are aware something is wrong with them.

[@sandie683]

Thank U. So spot on. It's truly frightening. I never knew anything illness like this but my ex for 4 yrs is EXACTLY like how you explained. He's a singer/musician with an abandoned childhood. So entitled and turned issues around and just shocking! One minute fine, another minute turning into a monster!

[@Bloem777]

Very good video' s. Depending on the situation, a narcissist can exhibit overt and covert (mixed) narcissistic behavior. Alcohol does them no good either and if there are setbacks in the field of work or income (shame), for example: hide...NO: RUN.

[@Warwipf]

I've always been wondering if I was a psychopath, but this one fits the bill much better. I'm not sure how to fight this, but I know it hurts me and deprives me of a better life. As a child I wasn't like this, I would like to go back. At least I'm not hurting anyone, I tend to keep to myself for the most part.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Avoidant... A narc wouls not say and think this.

[@gavinr5576]

Narcissists are not the type to self-reflect like this. They pretty much never see themselves as the perpetrator. You are likely the victim of a narcissistic parental figure and have absorbed some similar traits through exposure to them. You can heal. It takes time and hard work, but you've already taken the first step. You've recognised and admitted that you possess some of these traits, something a true narcissist would never do.

[@SuperPrDude]

Hats off to you, Sir. The simple fact that you said that, tells me you HAVE EMPATHY and you love yourself. Those are STRONG AND POWERFUL QUALITIES. You're on the right path

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

These folks are the worst. Had a friend like this & thank god she moved away to be someone else’s problem because as she aged - she was getting worse.

[@sunellehack9466]

Darren, please can you do a video on the Neglectful Narcissist? Although the narc in my life is definitely covert he has an added layer of neglectful behavior towards me and makes use of “weaponized incompetence” as a manipulation tool.

[@DarrenFMagee]

Thank you for your suggestion

[@bernie320]

My ex girlfriend is covert narcissist it took six years for these patterns to play out Such a shame that an immensely beautiful smart and creative women that I loved couldn’t acknowledge and rise above her feelings of shame and insecurities as a result of the overwhelming negative feelings she harboured from her upbringing. I believe her mother was the Narcissist Matriarch and unbeknownst to her was the cause of her behaviour. Such a sad and vicious cycle of manipulation that is repeating itself till this day. I now can only communicate with her with a sense of pity, and to support where I can, despite her continuing attempts to devaluate me and repeatedly try to justify her treatment of me in our relationship.

[@nannygranny9534]

I think you must have study my husband for this video. The one thing I have not heard address is the violence toward my animals when he is angry at me. I have finally filed fir divorce!!

[@منوعاتإيمان-ط4ش]

Does this type of narcissist use sexual innuendo to destroy your self-confidence? I suffer from schizoaffective disorder of the manic type > and I believe I am dealing with this type of narcissism.

[@judygregg1852]

Thank you so much, Darren!!!

[@winter-qd4yw]

Thank you for another very informative video! I put up with these behaviors for decades and literally felt crazy. I am so grateful to finally be able to understand this and appreciate these videos.

[@eugeneborisenko5237]

How are you dealing?

[@glorita2202]

My covert narcissist mistreated me on Christmas while I was pregnant. On the abortion day he was angry cause he couldn’t find parking and went to buy weed in the way home instead of taking me home to rest. Two weeks after abortion he said he had “hotter girls than me”, abuses never stopped until I realized who he was or what he was because he was not human with me at all. They will ruin holidays and special days for you, that is also a sign. They will diminish any achievement and use the things you trusted them about your life against you cause they know you me your insecurities and traumas very well.

[@sandraleehurst7350]

I hope you got away from him .

[@FilipRanogajec]

Oh yes... Some of them are very good actors.

[@karoshi2]

Until you see through the mask. Find it hard to understand how one can't see the obvious, but I've been the same for 14 years. Somewhat tragically humorous, that they so desperately need to be special, yet are super predictable once you got how they act.

[@FilipRanogajec]

@@karoshi2, I learned that too by surviving through their schemes.

[@karoshi2]

@@FilipRanogajec congrats for gaining back your freedom. Hope you've got a terrific life in peace now!

[@FilipRanogajec]

@@karoshi2, it's certainly better, but life is hard even without those egomaniacs. There are still things to improve, and hopefully it will happen sometime soon. Thanks though.

[@dibrentley7915]

Its kinda sad to see a 64 year old man cry, and when told to just stop, he can. Yeah those crocodile tears dont work on me they once did but not anymore.

[@lindaabraham8715]

Your best video that I have seen. Describes someone I know exactly, except this person acts like a grievance machine. Within seconds of a resolution that has exhausted you emotionally, he is bringing something else up from decades past and he can never be mollified. He feeds on sympathy, and will excuse all his abuse of you by bringing up some childhood punishment imposed by his mother. I can't be around him--he rationalizes every harm he causes. He has a reason for breaking every promise, all based on some overblown grievance from long ago, which he is too cowardly to say out loud, and you don't know what is going on. You can't trust him for anything, except a never-ending supply of hidden grievances. It takes too long to find these people out.

[@NarcRenegade]

Sending this to my husband because I think I’m this.

[@remaxintegrityrealty]

Fantastic summary. This fully describes my neighbour of 7 years. The only thing I would add is ‘pets’ to the last part. This neighbour of mine has had two dogs die of seizures in the last couple of years and her current two are fearful of her. The poor things are miserable but she always has to have two dogs as, I suppose ‘attention getters’. I went through hell and back with her last summer because I offered to do something for her (she’s elderly) and when I didn’t do it right away, she snapped. I certainly didn’t deny her the right to have someone else do it either. She has always tried to find some way to get under my skin and I’ve never let her. Like slopping paint down my side of the fence when she painted her side, and feigning how bad she is at it and careless but not apologizing. Little things, but lots of them. All is better now that I’ve determined to ignore her. Thank you for the opportunity to rant! Keep up the great work!

[@isaiahknecht652]

My ex covert narc has 4 dogs and she doesn't treat them right most of the time and only is nice to them when she wants attention. They are very misbehaved and if you even try to do anything to correct them she scolds you for not "handling" them correctly. When they have pretty much destroyed her house and she doesn't even try to fix it up. She expects so much from other people while at the same time lacks in so many things

[@ben10hanson]

I have had many people treat me this way in public. It should shock me but it gets me that other people feel compelled to try to make you into some kind of enemy of theirs. I hate it and avoid giving those people anything because they love getting reactions from you and will target you more if you give them attention. It's clear they have both a sense of superiority and are extremely insecure.

[@sunellehack9466]

Your videos are so easy to follow and understand. Thank you!

[@isbe1007]

The covert narcissist in my life used to shower me with gifts and pay for things - I guess that falls under the category of feigned magnanimity as a means of boosting their own self-esteem. At the same time, they would enact all the passive-aggressive behaviors you have described. This person seemed to be benign most of the time, but then would suddenly pounce on me in a most vindictive way. It was very confusing and disturbing - but the important thing about this experience is what I have learned about myself!

[@DomRoy-w7r]

that's a pretty accurate description of my husband..... Unfortunately for me, because I didn't now about the covert aspect, it took me a while to understand that he was a narcissist.....

[@MsStreetsy]

I'm 30 years in and have only just realised. He is every single one of these too.

[@sylvieseland9108]

You describe exactly my boyfriend for the past 8 years. Thank you very much!!! This is the best/most meaningful video for me, of all I have heard. It hit right in!!!

[@mariagilchrist3173]

My ex covert narc kept my cat’s ashes and special things from my youth. He also kept my dead mother’s jewelry. He claims I owed him money, I don’t. He is the single worst person I have ever met.

[@ladylucid1169]

Same! My mom. She could of gave me a hint. I would of never guessed that the demon wanted me to expressively say "what a great mom.” The silent treatment ain’t no retreat either. Instant causes you as a child to panic and feel like you’re in danger. She would look right through me and act like I didn’t exist. Right after saying that we cool and we’re more like best friends. And never forget she said, that she loves me unconditionally. You know I love you unconditionally right? Then unrelatedly get sick after eating her home cooked meal made with love and passive aggravation.

[@daedalusjones4228]

It is mind-blowing to me how comprehensively you describe my father. I spent my entire life thinking that there was no way to tell people or describe to people what my father is/was like -- because they wouldn't believe it. (In other words: they wouldn't believe ME.) But you just keep coming up with one detail after another, one example after another of vicious abuse, and literally every single thing you say, my reaction is "That's exactly what my father did. EXACTLY." He was a sadistic monster. And in my 30s, I had a girlfriend who was a narcissistic sociopath. With her for two and a half years. It almost ended me. Even now, still wrestling with it, still being destroyed by it. Like bombing a town into rubble, and then bombing the rubble.

[@JustinLazlo]

The "if I can't be happy, you can't be happy either" mindset describes the one I knew to the core. I think myself and a lot of people have some crossover with some of the traits described in this video (we are all human after-all) but even when I've felt jealous of what other people had in life I've never wanted to wreck it for them, only wanted to have it for myself.

[@FarranLee]

extremely accurate description of my ex. I still hold hope that he has ptsd or something akin, or just some narc traits but not full npd. but it seems that he may be lost forever.

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

I am sorry. Very sad for anyone to be lost forever.

[@MaShiYon]

I think I'm a covert narcissist. In my worst moments I fit it almost to a tee. These days I spend a lot of energy fighting my worser nature and I tell people before any relationship about the type of person I am. I'm still hypersensitive and needy for validation, but I'd prefer that to lying and manipulating.

[@Nicefoolkilla]

I may be a covert narcissit as well. I appreciate that fact that you would rather take on your hypersensitivity rather than give in to lies and manipulation.

[@deadmanwalking1930]

I think i may well be a covert narcissist. I do a lot of this without even realising it is narcissist behaviour.

[@olgasampis9745]

My covert was to bullying even with dropping me off at a dr facility for a procedure under anesthesia. Bullying, not picking up , not even checking on me. He was ultracovert

[@elmaaa3]

how do I know if I am the victim or the vulnerable narcissist? what about adhd vs vulnerable narcissism?

[@SilverQuartz13]

This. I am struggling with this.

[@saulgood6909]

This explains my fiancee to a tee. I saw all the red flags but chose to avoid them because I wanted it to work. I finally separated after 4 years of torture. When I separated, I needed time to unpack things, and when she couldn't so easily get her supply from a distance, because she realized I knew, she pulled the Narcissist disconnect. Wouldn't let me say goodbye to her son or our pet's. Blocked my number. Played the victim to her friends and family. In the end when I let go, all she did was try to hurt me as much as possible in the most cruel way because I would no longer give her what she wanted. I suspected it all along, so it wasn't as devastating but it was truly horrible and she was a truly horrible person. The sad part is I had known her since I was 13 years old. Have the same friend group and hometown. The part I missed was her previous marriage that lasted a decade plus. This was the time frame of her main adult years and we didn't speak or know each other then. We remet after, so I was blind to the person she grew into walking into our relationship later in life. Thankfully it is over.

[@Nicefoolkilla]

i may be a covert narcissist. radical acceptance. this hurts.

[@deadmanwalking1930]

Same

[@panfried7566]

yep. fits to a 'T'. where was this video 20 years ago? thanks, darren

[@Darren468]

It's like you've told my fortune Darren with regards to my parent who loves stonewalling. Completely accurate and spot on.

[@PacificNWGrl]

I really like your channel and the relaxed and calm way you communicate. It seems like you perfectly explained the narcissist in my life. I’ll be watching all your other videos. Thanks so much for your content.

[@YourGuiltyConscience]

A vulnerable-narcissist I used to know was absolutely emotionally soul sucking. Thinking about him crying for hours during the slightest sign of conflict still makes me cringe. He called me amazing just to fill the silence and seemed bothered when his constant empty flattery wasnt received with enrhusiasm. He was turning 50 and still didnt understand why his antics kept running women off. Lost cause.

[@adognamedboo9474]

Sounds quite similar to what the narcissist does to the scapegoat.

[@madmesh978]

Have a bath and meet....watch out for 3 scorpio bi polar girls.......I crop them in a circle in Wiltshire 😊

[@jamesheath7596]

If a covert narcissist does you a favour, you had better pay it back when they require, if you don’t, you have wounded their feelings and damaged their self worth, from then on they will be gunning for you. They won’t tell you but you had better believe it. It’s better to not allow them to do you a favour, but be careful how you refuse as this can be interpreted as rejection and they will punish you for that as well.

[@Meya-w7h]

Can't win

[@jamesheath7596]

@@Meya-w7h no, best not to ask unless you really have to. It’s safer.

[@ファミリーフォーラムジャパン]

Very helpful and clear summary, perfectly describing my wife of many years. In couples therapy, she is charming, winsome, and the innocent victim, turning on and off her sarcasm, victimhood, “good girl” performance, and tears at will, generally all within the same session. Our older male therapist was hopelessly under her spell, constantly letting her off the hook, and even lying to cover for her destructive behaviors. I love her and am committed to the marriage, but the drama never ends, and marriage is an ongoing battle.

[@ben10hanson]

Damn, I hope after my own experiences with having a mom and sister like that I can avoid marrying one, I have a low tolerance and patience for that behavior because of that.

[@suemiller6801]

This is my daughter to a tee! She does have some genetic issues and learning disabilities and has been in therapy and counseling for years and years. Medications do nothing for her. She can't live on her own but is doing nothing but causing problems in the home. Nothing we do helps her, and she won't do anything to help herself.

[@petekdemircioglu]

Get ready to finance her for many more years to come. Thats Whats going to happen with high probability. They dont accept Theyre the problem and dont go to theraphy.

[@Alsatiagent]

Traits of narcissism are passed unknowingly from parent to child. That is why it spans generations in families.

[@suemiller6801]

@@petekdemircioglu That's already addressed.

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

I am sorry for your daughter. I am similar. I don’t know how to describe it, but she is miserable. We don’t get a thrill from our behavior, but we also don’t have a desire to change either. I think we have Anhedonia - the brain cannot feel joy or any positive emotions. Unfortunately the negative emotions are there in full force.

[@CharlesRelyea-cz1fh]

Your videos on covert narcissism are, as I know it, astonishingly accurate. "The Covert Narcissist Wife" video defines my recent ex of four plus years, with the only caveat being that she didn't idealize her previous relationships. I don't know if she is a narcissist, but I highly suspect that she may be. Though I'm still struggling with the fallout from the relationship as well as some of the choices I made along the way, I'm doing much better than I was before having discovered your content. Thank you. I genuinely hope you didn't have to endure a relationship with a covert narcissist to gain the understanding that you have, but something tells me that's exactly what happened. You matter, you are important, your thoughts are valuable, and you are doing great and effective things

[@DavidPerez-hf1lm]

Living with a woman who behaves like that is excruciating! Not just for the spouse, but for the children. Double for the spouse as it hurts so much to see the children treated that way and not be able to defend them because that would only make it worse. It hurts so much. Unbearable. 😮‍💨😪 If you have never been there, it's not easy to understand and you might even think the victims are crazy. I am happy for you if you never have faced that. O well, I guess it could always be worse.

[@Em-im1yz]

Imply rather than saying outright

[@daisylowe2526]

My ex told me he'd been shot and stabbed he'd taken chemotherapy because of childhood cancer .and I've left him he's saying he may have pancreatic cancer .

[@mrsongman]

Everything you've said I identified with. It's almost spooky. All these things built over time as I felt myself eroding away but was never quite sure why. I didn't know there was a boot until it was pressed down firmly on my neck. She could tell me a square and a circle were the same and I'd have believed her. Or I would have bashed them together, told myself she was right and force myself to never look at the shapes again.

[@ben10hanson]

Can I please ask you why? Why did it work? What made you go along with it? This is part of my family dynamics

[@heather3358]

You have just described someone I know and was finding it hard to find things that fitted them.

[@thaghrahmedia4468]

Thanks

[@DarrenFMagee]

You’re welcome and thank you so much for your kind support

[@thaghrahmedia4468]

No one talks about covert narcissists with such accuracy on you tube or in the literature like yourself. Darren you should write a book specifically about this topic. If you do I can help with many real-world examples. 😊 cheers from Australia.

[@erikavaleries]

How lovely and kind of you. I agree, his teaching is excellent.

[@jordanharkness]

That was a good video and nailed the description. So... now that we've confirmed that the person in our lives is a covert, vulnerable narcissist. What do we do about it? My only constructive criticism of the video would be to define the differences between "covert" and "vulnerable"; my understanding is that those are independent adjectives and are not synonymous but many people use them interchangeably.

[@amyferrill770]

OMG. I was sitting in the ER feeling awful, telling him to STOP YELLING AT ME. He kept it up while we were in the exam room. Spot on!

[@johnnymidnight2982]

This reminds me of one of my university friends. He was quite depressive at times, and quiet and humble. However, once in a while, I would catch him seething over something. I thought it was just him reacting to too much at once. Well, great fortune landed into his lap after graduation and now he is insufferable. Thinks he's the King of England.

[@amymartin6123]

This is 100% bang on!

[@kw3113]

Nearing 60 and exhausted from my covert mother, sad and frustrated with a sister who is selfish and lives in poor me land. Walking away from them both finally. What will never be hurts but I refuse to live the next twenty years by their terms.

[@ChosenOne1967]

Covert narcissist finally got fired. Team dynamic improved immediately 🎉

[@wwilliams4743]

Trying to help my husband see these traits in some people we interact with on a regular basis. The first 5 minutes alone were gold, very applicable to our situation.

[@Carol-Lyne]

Is there any possible treatment or research being done thay we can raise awareness for??? If im not mistaken, on brain scans, the empathy section is basically empty ... there must be a way to replace these chemicals or study it? Along with serious psychology therapy? I would love to know more about how we could help find a cure for this because it seems to be becoming more and more prominent in younger people and it is heartbreaking ... Thank you for your channel, it is wonderful and very informative.

[@mikevanleeuwen4912]

My ex girlfriend lacked the grandiose aspect of being a typical narcisist as she would always remind how horrible she was doing or how depressed she was. She realy checked every box of narcisme except the overt part. Durring the breakup it felt like a monster was released that i had never seen before, the covert narcisism realy openend my eyes on what i was up against. if only i would a have understood it sooner...

[@ben10hanson]

I also broke up with one who was very controlling and she turned into a complete monster.

[@alexmousley7213]

I was (briefly, thankfully) involved with a covert narcissisist- I didn't know about coverts/vulnerable narcissists at the time but knew about overts, I was taken in completely. The biggest red flags initially were a strong sense of the disconnect between what she said and what she did and her extreme levels of jealousy. I also saw through some of the attempts at manipulation- but, as she found out, if anyone tries to guilt trip me for something I have no reason to feel guilt for- I get extremely angry (mainly due to having dealt with a lot of serious real issues that were really deserving of my emotions)- so that manipulation somewhat backfired! I learnt a lot from being involved with a covert narcissist- what to look out for, my own vulnerabilities and how important it is to have good boundaries and a strong sense of self.

[@ben10hanson]

Yes, they will test you to find weaknesses.

[@uggggggghhhhh]

omg this spooked me a bit because i relate to 90% of it and see those behaviors in my past...

[@gayatrimatapurkar933]

Found it very interesting And informative thanks.

[@forrestfey]

The martyr.

[@TrentAdam]

4:16 At this point what you need to do is shatter their self image by making fun of them. Thats actually how you handle this.

[@irisiris6717]

Thank you.

[@Michaelcollins1110]

I noticed a VN in work his poor girlfriend is stuck he is extremely possessive and controlling. I always got the impression she wants to leave but his chaos stops her from leaving.

[@windingdriveway]

I escaped her clutches just in time, dodged a bullet for sure. I Lost some skin just the same (metaphorically speaking)