How Did Transition Affect My Mental Health?

[@ellepalmer]

follow my twitter if you'd like to be updated every time I pull an all-nighter to write a midterm paper :-) twitter.com/ellepalmer1

[@myronfern3685]

Dear Elle, what you said about your hormonal cycle giving you one great week and then changing reminded me of Teal Swan's video on periods. She talks about how women go through 4 "seasons" every month with the lunar cycle, each one lasting one week. Each week of the month has a different purpose for women and you will feel better if you follow the order and cycles of nature. Please do your best to avoid taking toxic medications. Good luck!

[@Gabriela-ej5ew]

Myron Fern What Teal talk about periods she took from pagan religions (Wicca, basically). Teal is psycho, she says some useful things but she makes people become trapped in a cicle to always go back to her. Take what she says wisely. She really is a cult leader

[@myronfern3685]

@@Gabriela-ej5ew I wouldn't call her a cult leader but I agree you have to be careful when you listen to her. Paganism has insights into the laws of nature that Western culture has lost. I believe this particular concept has a lot of value. Women naturally want to use their periods as a time of reflection rather than action, and there is also a time for action. My point to Elle was to say that many women overwork themselves during certain parts of their hormonal cycle and it causes distress. As long as you stay vigilant when you listen to her, Teal Swan does have some wisdom to share. Just don't treat her like she can't be wrong.

[@tammybuckley3691]

Hi Elle. I wish I could, but I don’t have a Twitter. I’ll keep watching for your videos here. I really enjoy watching and listening. Wishing you the best and hoping things calm down for you and best of luck with all of your finals. Sending you tons of hugs 🤗

[@JannekeGoossens]

All nighter is a big MOOD

[@فنكجَلِيدٍ]

It seems your voice is getting a little higher pitched. This is good, have you been doing speech therapy?

[@carlosheehee46]

Emanuel de Araújo Lol not really but okay hah

[@calistacatkiss]

I definitely noticed as well! 💖

[@stephanie9318]

hyjfjn dude same. Her voice is getting higher pitched. Went right to the comments. I literally have no reason to blow smoke up someone’s ass for no reason about a lie

[@taliaa2]

carlos holaq lol yes it is sweetie but ok hah

[@laurie8090]

First thing I noticed!

[@wutryulooknat3]

I hear a more feminine voice!! Stay strong girl, and don't stop sharing your story, we all need to hear it ❤

[@Stephen_A.]

You didn't know where the road was going to take you unless you took the journey. The choice you made is now keeping you from always wondering "what if ...". You took a leap of faith and as a result, you are doing better than you realize. Continue moving forward, you got this.

[@rosabscura]

I find this disingenuous as it does not address the reality that this should not have happened to her in the first place.. professionals should know better and they do. It’s money driven and sick.

[@donnaloveall1470]

I hope your family is behind you and someone to talk to! I’m a 70 year old great-grandmother and you need a hug! 🙏♥️

[@myka788]

@@SuperAntiblack Ellie is the bomb!!!

[@Carol-Bell]

Donna loveall I agree!

[@sullythejolly]

Elle you look fire Your voice is changing Be good to yourself Hydrate You're vulnerable right now and it's impressive that you share so much.

[@deweysdecibels]

Hi Elle! My name is Sarah (nickname is Dewey) and I'm a detransitioner as well. I love watching your videos because I think our experiences are so similar, and it makes me feel less alone. So much of what you say I've gone through as well. Although I was only on testosterone for a year and a half (ages 18 to 19.5), I had a lot of the changes you had, like the voice dropping permanently and the cessation of feelings (be it good or bad) and I know the struggle of having all your mental health problems come back with a vengeance. I've been off of T for about a year now and I've found that taking supplements aimed for hormonal imbalance help tremendously, specifcally DIM or Diindolylmethane, Vitex, and Pantothenic Acid. I take these in conjunction with my anti-depressants and I literally feel the best that I have in years! I know this might sound like a commercial or whatever, but I genuinely want to let you know there's lots of things that are available for you to try to alleviate any negative feelings. (And for any other FtMtF detransitioners out there)

[@jessielouhoo]

Your voice is definitely much higher than it was when I saw you on Blaire White’s channel 😊 also I love your videos ❤️

[@MarleyDrives]

Your voice does sound higher already. But so you know; I honestly also love your deep voice. All your life experiences made the beautiful brave person you are today. I really think you can be very very proud of yourself for how far you've come.

[@kristinasundsteinpetersen2748]

This is why I love you channel. You are a real authentic person and speaks your truth. You are doing so much good by sharing your videos. Not just for people that have been through transition but for all that have been through stuff in their teen years. Mental health is a hard topic to talk about and I'm so proud of you, and just keep going! You are doing an amazing!

[@susanmarieguidopeterson483]

You're loved Elle. It's alot. Life is alot.

[@lisasalamonecoaching]

I'm the old lady in the room here but Elle, I applaud you for putting out these videos. I am riveted by your bravery and will be always rooting for you. Life in general, has its ups and downs and I promise you things will get better AND this moment in time will end up being a mere" blip" in your long beautiful life. It can be hard, but you've proven to yourself that you can do hard things. You got this.

[@kenkenichi7461]

It's because of old ladies like you approving of and promoting this crap that our generation is fucked up. Would your parents have turned you guys gay and confused?

[@sorelyanlie2784]

@@kenkenichi7461 I didn't see her say anything about approving of the original transition. She merely is assuring this young woman that things will get better. As a traditional, conservative, Christian woman, I can't find any fault in that. The woman in this video needs encouragement. She made a bad decision in the past, and has come to realize it. She is going through an extremely difficult season and hopefully this is only the first of many positive changes in her life.

[@kenkenichi7461]

@@sorelyanlie2784 Wow has the definition of conservative changed even since the 80's. By past standards, you'd be a liberal. Everyone is here to support this confused kid instead of offering criticism and direction. First off she's not just confused she's immature you can see in her childlike behavior I stopped behaving that way when I was eight years old because my dad simply wouldn't allow me to act that way. She's so immature she's susceptible to anything and telling her she's proven she can do hard things is a lie. The hard thing to do is look in the mirror and accept reality, grow the fuck up and stop thinking that you are your feelings. She was weak for taking hormones and a very ugly version of a boy.

[@sorelyanlie2784]

@@kenkenichi7461 There is a very big difference between destructive and construction criticism. You do not seem to be in the business of offering the latter. As christ himself said: "let him who has not sinned cast the first stone". I can firmly hold the opinion that her decision to transition initially was a bad one, while also realizing that it is no worse than any of the bad decisions I made as a teenager. Merely more visible to the outside viewer. She needs encouragement to continue growing up and making better decisions, not constant reminders of what she did wrong. In fact, to dwell in our mistakes is to allow sin to distract us from the goal of becoming Christ-like. It is unproductive and unsupported by scripture.

[@kenkenichi7461]

@@sorelyanlie2784It's bigger than Elle it's social engineering going on. They are trying to break apart the family structure to replace it with government. Elle is just apart of a much bigger plan. I don't really look at this stuff on an individual basis. It scares and astonishes me how people like you can go from being completely against homosexuality to embracing it as normal. You call yourself a Christian but completely lack the courage to speak against homosexuality and its impact on the family structure and youth.

[@dm7626]

I've found your videos really helpful, this one especially! I also transitioned to male (aged 13) and took testosterone for a short while. I had many doubts over this but did it anyways, illegally. I really regret the changes that happened and have started re-evaluating my choices. I feel like transitioning saved my life but I couldn't carry on that way. It was really scary to begin the process and I have felt worried that I don't know how to be a woman and I feel like I don't look like one. it's been slightly under 2 months now and seeing your progress has been really reassuring for me. I'm slightly scared to tell my family but my friends and teachers have been very accepting. I think most people are shocked that I could change my mind after 5 years but I've had doubts for a long time. I just wanted to thank you for showing me that things can work out and it's ok to go back I guess!

[@d-meth]

Don't worry! I'm a cis female and don't know how to be a woman! 😉 I was always a tomboy. I'm not feminine at all. Don't care about dressing up. Don't care about makeup. Never ever wore heels and generally don't care about shoes (well I care about them being comfortable).

[@myka788]

You got this😊😊

[@dm7626]

@Harden Thicke someone can be a Tomboy and not be trans, same as how a trans man can have never been a tomboy and still be trans.

[@d-meth]

@Harden Thicke cis means born as a female and identify as a female. Tomboy is just a non feminine female. Sadly there are very few adult tomboys, most women dress feminine and even use some makeup, even when they say they're not feminine =/ They carry a handbag and such. And most at least make an attempt to "be normal" at some point in life.

[@Sunnydreamer1470]

Ladymethify why can’t you just accept the fact that you are female but don’t enjoy dressing up. You don’t have to give yourself a specific title

[@Eyesofmars2040]

You look beautiful. Every time you post a new video I see and hear changes.

[@felixjean768]

in my experience, the first few months after i stopped testosterone were absolutely *wild* emotionally. i was all over the place, super anxious, super depressed, crying allll the time, honestly feeling like i was going completely out of my mind. i think it was partly hormones, but also partly the emotional upheaval of detransitioning. like, coming to terms with the whole thing was & still is hugely difficult, i think it's important not to underestimate how much of a toll that can take on your mental health. at this point, i think my hormones are evening out again & these experiences of intense emotion are easing off a bit, but it's a work in progress especially while still being in the relatively early stages of detransition where most people still see me as a man. my point is, you might find things calm down a bit for you too hormones-wise.. therapy sounds like a good idea though. good luck :~)

[@kaylathrasher2085]

Therapy could be a great choice, I also would recommend going to see your doctor. Your moods being linked to your cycle sounds like a hormone imbalance. More specifically, this sounds like a condition called PMDD. Hope you get through midterms and feel ok soon.

[@myka788]

Theres just something about you that is so magnetic. You are so endearing. And you are an awesome story teller. I get so excited when I see a new upload from you ❤❤❤

[@kenkenichi7461]

She's just cute looking and nice she can probably very cruel if you knew her.

[@heathermooney3656]

Elle, I have watched like 6 of your videos now, and I just wanted to say you seem so mature for your age , you still have the rest of your life ahead of you, and have so much going for you . Thanks for your videos and what you share best of luck on your future.

[@rainsongs9]

definitely get a hormone panel done. i only pray for the best for you. you are an inspiration, to come back to the real you, and document all of this at the same time! i know with all my heart you are helping someone, or a lot of someone's out there. i find your honesty so refreshing . i know you can do this. life is good. living life is an art form. i so know your finding your canvas of life and it's a beautiful creation of you that you are painting ! i'm a mother of autistic son , life ain't easy. i deal with crazy from him and myself daily. if i can find my happy i know you can :) . your in my thoughts and thank you for being so brave!

[@susanmarieguidopeterson483]

Elle, you're incredible because you KNOW HOW both sexes feel, how gender "confused" people feel, how it feels to be bullied from every which way...you were incredible TO TRY and find yourself....my two cents. You are a kind-hearted-goody and the world is not so kind .... I'd cry as a teen and young woman because I hated that I couldn't be more "bad/naughty" like everyone "having-fun" was...Does that make sense??? Each of us is soooo unique and the world tries to pigeon hole us and tell us what's "cool". You're so sweet ....

[@XDbaileyboo]

I was also very depressed in my early teen years and was on different medications for about five years before I really started to feel like I didn’t need them and the side effects were more than they were really helping so I stopped taking them. I feel like situational factors and just feeling like I didn’t know what I was doing all the time really effected my self esteem and I remember feeling a lot like you’re describing during my first year of college. I’m almost a senior now and much less depressed and I feel like that can come with feeling more experienced and sure of what you’re doing in your daily routine. Things might change after graduating but I am thankful for this time of feeling relatively stable and self assured. I just wanted to say I’m sure you will settle into a time and place where you feel more stable! You’re still in a place where a lot of things are changing which usually causes some self doubt in my experience but just hold on and be nice to yourself!!

[@DBSG1976]

I'm trying to learn as much as I can about Transgender issues, especially because of the high suicide rates, it takes a lot of inner strength to talk openly about such personal feelings, but it's so important.

[@aurasofiasandoval6974]

The result of the voice training it's amazing!!!!

[@tammybuckley3691]

Hi Elle. Yes, like many others, I can hear a difference in your voice 🥰 is it changing on its own or are you doing something to help it along? I’m so glad you decided to do KZbin and use your platform to talk about it all and possibly help someone else. There’s so many people that have nobody to talk to and nowhere to go. I hope that being on here is also helping you through it all too. I’m def here to support you and by the looks of your comments, we are all here to support you 🤗 you have so many fans now. You are so lovely and you make the world a better place. Thank you 😊 see you soon 💕👋

[@grrlinglasses]

Hi Elle, I'm so glad for you sharing and for your videos. I suffered from anxiety, depression and an eating disorder for a large part of my life. Turns out a big part of my problem was food allergies. I know everyone's experience is different and I wanted to let you know that once I had to get off of gluten and dairy for health reasons I noticed my mood started to improve. The anxiety lessened and so did the depression. Wishing you all the best.

[@suddenguilt]

I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever ❤️

[@gorgeous.akosua]

Ok so I just went back to watch your old videos. Voice, facial features and even body language has changed so much. Amazing!

[@Mindy14]

I started watching the playlist, and I can hear the difference in your voice!

[@rogerhandy4502]

You are an amazingly strong, brilliant, articulate person with a powerful and truthful perspective. All young people considering transitioning need to watch ALL your videos and consider what you have to say about your experiences before moving forward. Their parents and their therapists, PFLAG members, the medical community, the LGBTQ community and more should also put aside political and institutional agendas and open their hearts and minds to what you have to say about the multiplicity of factors that can shape and misshape one's conclusions about gender identity, especially when it concerns adolescents who don't and can't yet understand how one's mindset and identity can grow and change within a few years. The long-terms costs are too high. I just stumbled upon your videos yesterday and have already binge-watched about 10 of them. I am honored that you have chosen to share your experiences, so personal and often painful, with grace, authenticity, intelligence, transparency, honesty, heart, and courage. I am humbled and I have cried much as I watched your videos and felt your pain and struggles as a woman in this world. I am so moved by you and proud of you and on your side. Thank you X1,000,000. FYI - I am a mom of a 17 year-old child who can't wait to transition. I have shared your videos with her. I hope she watches and hears you.

[@mariellamos522]

You're talking so openly, reflected and mature about you topics, I wish you all the best elle

[@mariellamos522]

By the way. I'm doing therapy for 5 years now and it does not Work Like medication but after the first years I've startet to notice the changes in my behavior and the positive results it had. So again I wish you the very best!

[@annieb1594]

I'm a lot older than you, and also have always suffered from depression and anxiety. What I think you are experiencing is normal for most woman during their cycle, especially PMS it's not fun.Men don't ever experience how woman can suffer emotionally throughout their cycle. I am now going through menopause, another "fun" time. I take lexepro now and it has helped a lot.

[@Carol-Bell]

Thank you for your openness and explaining. After listening, things that come to mind are: 1. Be true to yourself and LOVE yourself, even the hormonal junk we women have to go through (I’m a cis woman and post menopausal). 2. I think it might be helpful to explore and differentiate between situational stress (that IS difficult on emotions) and hormonal effects and self-esteem effects. Maybe keep a journal-calendar showing levels of depression, where you are in the cycle, and events/workload (like exams, etc) - the purpose would be to see if there is a pattern. If there is, you might be able to come up with a strategy for dealing with it. 3. Examine nutrition or even food allergies (I had a friend who would get depressed when she ate chicken, and it was documented she was allergic to it). 4. Try taking a multivitamin. 5. Remember we all have bad days or bad moods, and it’s part of life and NORMAL to not feel perfectly happy every day. Sometimes mindset helps, as in having realistic expectations and putting a new perspective on things when they get yucky. 6.Realize you are not alone, you are loved, and there are nowadays lots of people who support you💕

[@Dornaweirdo5]

Hey Elle! Keep doing you. You’re beautiful in whatever you want to do. Do what you gotta do to feel better and get your mental health on track. Here is a warm hug your way and to just keep moving forward!

[@kalliestewart9573]

I relate so deeply to everything you are saying, thank you for talking about this. It’s crazy how similar our experiences are. Hopefully we will all figure out how to heal from this

[@sgd8871]

I wish you the very best and think it's wise that you're seeking treatment with a therapist. It really hurts to know you're hurting. Hoping the best for you sweetie. There's a lot to be hopeful for (speaking as a therapist). Keep up the good work.

[@janesmith8050]

Your voice/opinion/experience/sharing is extremely valuable and appreciated. Please prioritize your mental health and never feel obligated to share. YOU are a delightful, wonderful, beautiful, unique, and genuine woman and I wish you all the best.

[@superguitarman727]

Your voice is getting higher and higher with each video pretty girl 😊💖

[@chiaram.1185]

Elle with regards to your periods of crying and just overall sadness, have you considered PMDD? Obviously it may not apply to you but its worth thinking about.

[@EllaStone]

your voice!!!! girl you rock!!! prettier by the minute i swear 🥰

[@dollanganger444]

da cuteness is back o:

[@autumnsnow3483]

i’m in a very similar situation as far as the emotional state before, during, and after t. i’ve only been off t for a couple months. but for me t mellowed my emotions and my overreactions to situations. it made me a more logical thinker, to a point. i got off t and the depo birth control, and then started the pill (birth control) as well as wellbutrin. also side note, i was diagnosed with bpd about 3 years ago. i really enjoyed the videos of yours i’ve watched so far. i can really relate and it gives me hope

[@TheKatarinaGiselle]

Girl, I’m a 32 year old woman and my shits STILL not “regulated”. My hormones go up and down so hard and every week I’m slightly different (according to my cycle) You just hang in there! I love your personality and your videos..keep posting! Hang in there on the shitty days!

[@strawberryseason]

Elle, I am very sorry that you are challenged with depression. One thing that has helped me all winter, strangely, is shoveling snow. I don't know where you live or if it's snowy. But the upper body cardio is amazing, and also just being outside makes me feel better. Every time I do it, I get a great endorphin rush.

[@pastelpanda7309]

You may be experiencing trauma from all that happened before IN combination with trauma from having transitioned. Trauma is an unmet need of your wellbeing. In order to take care of that unmet need, you transitioned, but the need remained because the need was met indirectly. Its important to be present with your wellbeing and figure out what those needs are and meet them. You transitioned for legitimate reason(s), even if you are upset about the effects from having done it. Something about transitioning will provide you with awareness/benefit you would've not been able to truly have without it. That's a beautifully powerful gift.

[@summerwillows4655]

Oh Elle, we are here for you. 1. Therapy! For sure! 2. You may need and antidepressent and that is okay. It can help even out everything. Maybe you only need it while your body is readjusting. Maybe you need it longer. I went on wellbutrin while my dad is going through cancer because it has been a lot to handle. I'm hoping to one day not need it, but it is helping now. I hope you can start feeling better too.

[@Channel66678]

WOW... you're voice is great! Obviously it's going to get back to normal eventually. You're one lucky girl. I'm so happy for you. Keep up your awesome work, you're definitely helping and making a difference, even if it doesn't feel like it. Take Care.

[@victoriaanders4299]

I really love how you fight for yourself and you don't give up on who you are. Going to therapy is really going to help you. And I know that maybe it sounds like the same shit that everyone says when you're feeling low, but I mean it. This will get better. If you keep on fighting for your mental health, you will eventually get better. Trust me ♥️ I admire you girl

[@emiliap8790]

I can hear you've made some progress with your voice 💓💓 Its nice listening to you.

[@Maria.0.1]

Elle! You voice is significantly higher, your efforts are paying off ♥️ either way, I do love your voice lmao, its sort of relaxing in a way?? You look so cute as always!!

[@sherrir2531]

Hi, Elle! I can't even imagine what all you have been going through. What a wild journey. I can't relate, and I won't pretend to get it. However, I will keep you in my prayers and I do know that life is full of hills and valleys and hopefully a hill is coming your way soon. Please hang in there. Another note, I'm not sure where you're located, but Vitamin D plays a huge role in depression/mood and almost everyone's is LOW in the winter time. Seems silly, but seriously it makes a big difference. For my body, its even more important than antidepressants and antipsychotics! All the the best!

[@HopeAcedia]

Hi elle, I'm a bio male and I know exactly what it feels like to lose all emotion. When I was younger I would cry almost all the time and was super emotional but ever since puberty started running it's course I've not cried once and I've never been happy, doesn't help I was depressed from a young age (not diagnosed but crying every day as a kid because you hate your life isn't normal) so my entire emotional balance is super thrown off.

[@mercedesbm19]

Love your personality and videos so much, Elle. Wishing you the best all the time 🥺💛

[@jackandpicklesvlogs]

OMG! You're voice is changing!

[@annalang5872]

I got the feeling that your voice got higher since the last video. Much Love from germany ♡♡♡

[@annalang5872]

@TURD DUCKS 😸✌

[@LornyLuPots]

I stumbled on your channel and i have see a couple of videos from a month or so ago and I definitely can tell your voice has got lighter :)

[@ariannetherriault4349]

I love how your videos have this kind of cozy vibe. It's like I'm talking to a friend :))

[@KingLeek86]

Ever since the first video.,..I have seen you open up more and more in these vids. You need to keep doing that and let it all out. Keeping things bottled up is no bueno. Keep seeing a therapist to help. Keep pushing through. You're gonna make it, kiddo.

[@XDbaileyboo]

I am currently struggling through midterms as well. Sending you support and hopefully the will to push through test season, you got this! 💖

[@whittib17]

We love you Elle ❤️❤️❤️

[@radicalrealtor2118]

Hang in there. You will find the solutions. Perhaps your hormone balance needs attention. Maybe a little testosterone. A little more than most women but not an amount that would be a transitional amount. I take 25 mg cream every day ( In addition I take a small amount of estrogen too ( post menopause ( I’m 58)) I had mental health issues ( depression mostly) especially as a teen and in my 20’s. Got better after that but still struggled intermittently. After watching trans masculine videos for about 8 years and thinking -I’m sort of like that but not exactly - what is the draw? - I decided to experiment. Long story short-I’m on low dose testosterone - 2 years now -not many outer changes except a bit of fat redistribution, a little more hair on my legs ( no facial hair thank you) and less fear and reaction. Best part: Stability! I needed this. No doctor told me this. I knew I needed this. Two years on- no one knows the difference out there but I am so much happier as a woman. So I am more stable. Less chaotic emotionally. Still emotional though- still cry- still feel like me - just a more stable less fearful me. And I feel more protective and loving. It’s all about balance. Perhaps when you were a teen - maybe a small amount of testosterone - maybe 25 mg or some thing of cream - would have done the trick for you! Perhaps this is still the trick for you! Perhaps exploration of the right mix of hormones for you is still part of your journey. Don’t give up on your hormonal journey!

[@FleurDeCersier]

I'm currently a first year university student in Germany and before I started uni, I was really really depressed. Probably the most depressed I've ever been except for that one time when I was 15. Everything was overwhelming and exhausting and by August of last year, I had a breakdown. Then I moved cities for university and it was like a switch had turned on. New city, new me. I was incredibly excited about going to uni, meeting new people and having all these new experiences. Now it's February and except for around a week around christmas and a few lonely weekends here and there I'm still doing mostly fine. But I am honestly soooooo scared that this is still the initial excitement of starting over and that it won't last. I can't even put my fear into words, I don't think I've ever been this scared of something (except for losing important people maybe) than ending up in that dark place with these dark thoughts again. For the first time in years getting up in the morning, showering, having breakfast, and brushing my teeth is just a thing that I do and not this huge task that required all of my will power that I had left. Not rly sure why I'm writing this comment but it feels good to get this off my chest and maybe someone can relate

[@karenkeller5866]

I am a 61 year old syst female. I had debilitating pms. I was so happy when I had a hysterectomy because the extreme highs and lows were over. I still struggle with depression but it’s manageable. The roller coaster of emotions made me feel like I was bipolar. It effected all of my relationships especially with my daughters. I can’t believe that we have good relationships now but we do, it took a lot of work though. I didn’t get help and I think that you going to counseling is the best that you can do for yourself. I wish I would have gone back then. I didn’t even know what pms was do I genuinely thought that I was crazy. I don’t know if that’s a pc statement but that’s all I knew.

[@lernlern1]

You're fairly accurate I think in talking yourself into therapy by the end of your video, on your own. The trouble you might face for a while is fluctuations in mood and feelings because your hormones and chemicals in your body have basically been being messed with since you were 12. That's hard going. Both testosterone and anti depressants suppress your emotions and your body as they cut you off from how you feel. You talked about both of these here. Taking T for three years will have shut down your body's own cycles so it can take up to a year or more for that to regulate itself again. It's the same if you go on the pill or have implants. Time, therapy, self care and patience (being gentle with yourself) are great healers. I already follow you on twitter. I reckon you'd be awesome to have a pint and a chat with. I could have so easily been talked into transitioning when I was younger because I still suffer from dysphoria even today. I just manage it. Thank goodness I didn't go for the transition option. If you ever need another sounding board, I'll gladly lend an ear.

[@chrissyshaedadventures9974]

I just want to let you know that you are awesome and brave to put yourself out there and help others with whatever they are going through. It made me realize that I have to be more supportive of my daughter who just came out to me as a lesbian. She is only 14 and is having a hard time with the way she is feeling now. We have recently seen the doctor about her anxiety and depression and have been given meds.. I know like you said they may not be for everyone..bbut some need them and I hope they help you as much as they help me and my daughter 💖

[@Cecilia-fc3sg]

You are strong to put this all out there. I know you will keep growing! Take care of yourself. I love your videos!

[@jacksonb1001]

Omg I went straight to the comments to say your voice sounds distinctly higher, like a deeper woman’s voice now! And thank you for making these videos, as a trans guy your videos actually help me feel more sure about what I’m doing, it’s nice to get some down to earth perspective that the echo chamber that is the trans community just doesn’t provide. I have had the opposite reaction to you on T in that I used to be a shell of a person and since starting T I have emotions again and can cry for the first time in years and it’s amazing, I hope you feel the same way I do now that you’ve ripped off the bandaid.

[@regans2163]

You are such an amazing, beautiful, strong woman. Keep sharing your story. You're such an inspiration! :)

[@pequenalulu6290]

Hang in there.....life is hard and hormones suck. I am on the other side of the spectrum at this stage....peri-menapause and there have been times that I feel I am losing my mind. Stay strong. You are a smart beautiful young woman, you got this.

[@MEMORIA1316]

Be kind to yourself, Elle. I'm glad you're getting back to therapy. Mental illness IS ILLNESS. Don't feel guilty because you can't "shake it off". If you were diabetic, would you give yourself a hard time for not producing enough insulin? I'm of a different generation, and when I would have a depressive episode in my teens, well-meaning relatives would tell me to read a good book and distract myself. Thankfully I survived and began seeking professional help. You've been through so much, and you're doing a phenomenal job! Press on. Get back into therapy, and just try to get through each day. I wish you the best!

[@laceyjamieson1740]

With antidepressants in the SSRI drug class you need to take it every day and should not take breaks or it will have a yo-yo effect. You also can take small doses and it will just give you a boost of serotonin so you don’t experience these huge dips and feel helpless. I feel bad that there’s such a stigma to taking antidepressants because some people just need that help to make their brain level chemistry like everyone else’s. You wouldn’t tell a diabetic to not take insulin, in the same way it’s like telling someone with crippling depression and bipolar to just talk to somebody and do yoga. It takes 6 weeks to 3 months to regulate in your system, so if you try it, give yourself some time sweetheart

[@Cecilia-fc3sg]

Just had a thought, my granddaughter had to go on a birth control pill of some sort to help regulate her estrogen. Otherwise her periods were extremely painful and her emotions were ALL over the map all month long. Just a thought for you.

[@greenfriends9438]

so much love and respect for you dear Ellie xx

[@kaidgardner2922]

I am so glad you have figured out what works for you. you are brave. thanks for sharing

[@ts9971]

Your voice sounds amazing!

[@bonnie7209]

I have been off birth control since september 2019, and I didn't begin to feel the extreme hormonal changes throughout the month until this October. The last two weeks of my cycle I would experience extreme depression and anxiety and I feel differently about my spouse. Basically, my mental health felt very unstable...it was bad! A friend of mine dealt with similar mental health issues and she recommended I start taking vitex-b (chaste tree berry extract on amazon) and DHT (by estroblock on amazon) to balance my hormones and help with the emotional symptoms. Since beginning to take both I have felt amazing mentally. I also began acupuncture for anxiety. I highly recommend therapy too. Sending you love!!

[@victoriaanders4299]

Your voice is getting higher omg!!!!!

[@AronHsiao]

Fascinating video, kudos to you for making it. You've seen life from both sides of the fence. "...being baseline fine all the time..." "...you can never cry..." sounds like life as a guy. You've basically lived the war of the sexes, all in one body. Yes, it's true. For some of us (many of us?) that's life as a guy. It's not just about "men have been taught not to cry" and there's some secret deep emotional life in which you're really Jennifer Anniston in Friends but you don't want to show it because you're too macho. I remember the first time I failed to cry. I mean that literally-tried, and failed. I was either a pre-teen or an early teen. I don't even remember what was sad that made me want to cry, I just remember the sensation-the shock-that I knew I was very upset in some way, but the *physical dimension* of tears and crying just wouldn't kick in for me any longer. It wasn't there; it had disappeared. It was like hitting a brick wall. I . could . not . cry. And I never did again. And over the course of puberty emotional life became much more centered, fewer highs, fewer lows, and the highs and lows less pronounced. Women say things like "You don't have to be so stoic all the time, you can let it out." But I swear that some of us do-there's nothing to let out. Yes, we can be happy about things, and we can be upset about things, but the *physical* dimension of that is gone with childhood. The impulse to "jump for joy" isn't there. When something really great happens, I say, "That is... really, really great." But I don't dance. I don't sing. When something terrible happens, I say "Wow, that is really... terrible." And I know it is. And terrible things do absolutely trouble me-conceptually. But it's not nearly as visceral as it was as a child. I don't feel as though these things were ever repressed in me-and I had a feminist mother that worked very hard to preserve and support and encourage "emotional expression" in her boy. But as time passed, it was just-"mom, I'm not holding back; I just don't feel it like that." It just disappeared on its own, and I've always suspected that for at least some percentage of us, that's just what it means to be a guy. Take what comes. Get down to business. No choice but to be calm and productive, that's how the world feels. Maybe we can all, men and women alike, have more empathy for each other as *biological* creatures living a particular reality that has a lot to do with our body chemistry and genes.

[@matthewmutz9337]

Counselor, you appear to be thriving on the pressure, I haven't seen you smile so much, Some focus and schedule is good for us, a lot of people really get screwed up with out some regiment, Your knowledge and keen sense of self awareness will get you through the though moments. I personally think the videos are very therapeutic, Nothing is internalized, YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB, for yourself and others ,Stay at it Gorge

[@ANNtique]

You are so cute and smiley and I especially like the thumbnail for this video. I’m sure your videos are helpful to many people thinking of transitioning, or detransitioning.

[@Nanda-wp7sk]

You are awesome, girl, you inspire me a lot.

[@fapld7489]

I like you so much. If I knew you personally I would risk myself to rejection but I totally would ask you out. You are truly beautiful and I could listen to you all day. I learn so much with your videos.

[@simplygratefulartbysusan147]

New subscriber...after binge watching all of your videos...in my opinion I think you are so, so brave for sharing your story. I think it is healthy for you to talk about it without being put on more medication. It sounds like you have been overmedicated for years. Does testosterone keep you from crying and truly feel your feelings?? Yoy seem like a genuinely sweet, sincere person. Please keep sharing...take care of yourself!!! I suffer from anxiety and depression as well...take one day at a time . Don't try to plan too far ahead. You are a beautiful person in and out!!! Wish I could HUG you!!!

[@ladyDAAMU]

I have no idea about transitioning or anything like that but I recognize myself when you talked about the hormonal depression. Personally I am just trying to be more understanding towards myself and let go of the "I need to do something today" mindset. If you feel down, take that day as a mental health day and do stuff you like and eat everything you like. And learn more about the hormonal system and ovulation etc. If you understand your hormones it is easier to forgive yourself and take it easy. Learn about your female body and try to understand it :) - A fellow female with crazy hormones (+ some supplements might help tone the hormonal fluctuation down :) )

[@Yuukire]

Girl, the easy answer is, if you feel like you need it then you need and there's no harm in trying because I tried Prozac and is it did absolutely nothing for me so I gave up for a little while, but the fatigue and loss of motivation to do anything at all. I let my laundry stack up for 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS. I had enough of it so I went back to my doctor and she put me on Lexapro because it has something in it gives you energy and oh my God have I noticed a difference. So if you don't feel good then by all means do what you have to do to feel like your normal self and just feel good everyday. People take that for granted because it's a hell of a life when you live a lot of your days not feeling good

[@Maria.0.1]

I would love to see a video of you talking about buying again clothing! And... re-living conventionally “girly” experiences? Like painting your nails, or make up and all that jazz!

[@dcummings336]

You know, watching you, I see the beautiful young woman you are once again transitioning into..

[@dylancole1910]

Also your voice sounds great, I can tell it's getting a bit higher.

[@joanmilano5302]

I hope it gets easier for you. Hugs and I hope you do great on your mid-terms!

[@spleengrrrl]

I'm bipolar and almost 50 and I did a LOT of things when manic that I regretted later. I kept starting and stopping things, thinking, "Oh, this is monumental, I HAVE to do this, my life depends on it, and my happiness" only to come off that a few weeks later. Makes sense you might have thought you needed the transition to be happy, if you are bipolar. I am sort of depressed right now, I say sort of because I am not in a full-on depression yet. I was feeling okay most of the day today but I am starting to feel fatigued and I know I am about to feel scared about things I am not attending to that I should.

[@pacamacaca]

Yes! Definitely go to therapy, but go see a gynaecologist too. This hormonal rollercoaster can be softened. You’ve got this sweetie!

[@Chf-fg3ik]

Crazy hearing this...triggered my memory of anxiety for me as a child.I had trouble eating at public places which was a frequent family thing at the time.I always tried sucking it up but ended up vomiting everytime.I guess you can say I "grew out of it" but man....I felt so out of place those days.

[@OMalley1203]

I don’t know if I’ve gotten accustomed to your voice, but it sounds higher in this video. I hope you start feeling like your happy self soon. ❤️

[@CiaraCorroon]

your septum piercing inspired me to finally get mine pierced! it really suits you :)

[@danish12337]

Hi Elle. I don't know if this helps but I have a similar situation. If it helps, what works for me is regular exercise. I do sit ups and leg raises every day and then run at least 3 times a week. I'm not sure why it works but it really makes a huge difference for me. I know a few of my friends take the pill to even out the hormones but for me this was a disaster. Just thought I would mention a few options, I hope you find something that helps. Sending you lots of love ❤️

[@martinkroeker1941]

One other thing crossed my mind - there must be some medical literature on women in sports who were subjected to testosterone doping, perhaps even unknowingly but in any case without actually intending to transition and likely with similar aftereffects. Perhaps some insight can be gained from that, i.e. hormone-related issues without any (real or assumed) prior history with clinical depression or dis-whatever ? As others have already mentioned, perhaps seeing a gynaecologist would be at least as advisable as seeking therapy. (Now I need to get my mind off of you before I get roasted by my clients. Stay strong and happy)

[@HA-ot5ev]

You are looking beautiful! Great job, sharing! Voice getting higher!

[@lisamartonegomez9812]

Thank you for sharing ♥️ I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that it’s all going to work out!

[@BenjiXAddictX4Ever]

Thanks for posting this on my bday and thanks for sharing your journey with us. ❤

[@ellepalmer]

happy birthday :)

[@BevyXO]

Hi Elle, It’s tough being a female. Hormones are real! Some women get bitchy, some cry, get depressed, feeling of doom, anxious and some all of the above. It is not fun. I feel if it disrupts your ability to live happy and healthy and do the things you want to do, then you should definitely seek a professional to help figure out what’s going on. Ps you have educated me on something I knew nothing about. So thank you!

[@amaniyasin6681]

Your voice is so much higher nowwwww!!