"How do you decide whether a relationship is toxic...?" AKA 26

[@nisafinnegan]

*Timestamps:* 4:15 I’m wondering if you can tell when a client isn’t being authentic with you (and themselves) during session? [13:04 Kati, do you actually really care/want follow-ups? + 1 million soon 🥺💗] 15:24 What is the difference between coping skills and straight up ignoring signs of mental distress? 24:25 Kati, do you ever have patients that don’t seem to get better after trying every possible treatment plan? 33:41 I know that there are intrusive thoughts, but are intrusive emotions a thing? 38:23 How can I know what is therapy-material? I'm bisexual but I think it's not something that on its own bugs me in any special way. 43:13 I want my therapist to be proud so I stop self-harming, I stop acting on my impulses. However, I myself indeed don't really care about hurting my body. I wonder if my motivation is all wrong. If then, does it really matter? 47:38 How to go through with the need of going to the gynecologist, but at the same time not having been able yet to deal with even thinking of going. 52:36 Getting "blocked" at session when talking about something that you really want to talk about but that it's really hard or shameful. 56:36 How do you decide whether a relationship is toxic and you should leave, or that you should be supportive and get that person help? 1:07:41 Is it normal to feel jealous of your therapists other patients?

[@mjarkk]

Amazing thanks!!

[@elisabethleigh989]

Thank you!!

[@nisafinnegan]

mark kopenga of course :) have a nice day!

[@nisafinnegan]

Elisabeth Leigh ur welcomee, have a good one ❤️

[@1oojess]

Thank you!

[@Anjana-xy4th]

1. Wondering if you can tell if a client isn't being authentic with you (and themselves) during session: 4:15 2. Difference between coping skills and ignoring signs of mental distress: 15:23 3. Having patients that don't seem to get better after trying every possible treatment plan: 24:19 4. Are intrusive emotions a thing?: 33:37 5. How could I know what is therapy-material?: 38:23 6. I wonder if my motivation is all wrong- self harm: 43:10 7. How to go through with the need of going to the gynaecologist: 47:36 8. Getting blocked at session when talking about something that you really want to talk about but it's hard and shameful: 52:33 9. How do you decide whether a relationship is toxic and you should leave, or that you should be supportive and get that person help: 56:31 10. Is it normal to feel jealous of your therapist's other patients: 1:07:37

[@user-qo9xu6fe5x]

love how she said: "for all of you out there who have periods,..." without referencing to the female gender. Some guys get periods too.

[@ghostie7790]

Thanks for answering my question. I asked number 2. 🤦🏾‍♀️ Idk. I must be super fragile or something right now, bc listening to your answer, it resonated with me and then I stopped what I was doing and kind of panicked for an hour and a half. It’s really frustrating. This keeps happening to me. Like I’ll be doing ok, like how I was when I started listening to the episode. But then one thought on how terrible things are in my life right now, I start freaking the fuck out, and that is really frustrating and exhausting. I haven’t been able to apply to jobs or do the little side hustles I’ve been trying to do while unemployed for about a month now bc of this. You’re right I do need more support than what I’m getting. But I don’t know where to go for it. Growing up my parents laughed at me for crying over things, so I can’t talk to them about stuff, and when you’re unemployed, you have all these feelings throughout the day when people are “ at work” so it’s like I just sit here and freak out all day, then go to sleep at night then wake up, and it repeats itself. I know it’s dark. 😭 That’s where I’m at, but thanks for answering the question and for the community who had their suggestions.

[@aparnaprasad5038]

Definitely would recommend that you get therapy (even if online) as you will tools then to help yourself find solutions for all the difficulties you are facing. Good luck to you❤️ and hope you take care

[@MissMymooReads]

Wow, that 9th question, and your answer, were so powerful. My parents are ALWAYS relying on me to take care of them (I'm in my 30's) and when I try to be more independant and to let them know that I won't do all those paperworks for them, or this and that, they loose it and blame me for not being a "good daughter", saying that they took care of me when I was a child and they had to make sacrifices. I tried to argue with what you said, but it ended up like always, in screams and them shaming me for being so selfish. I'm angry at them for this constant abuse, to the point that I have become their mother, and at the same time I feel guilty for even trying to bring this up and argue back. This is so messed up.

[@SusieQ78]

haha, I love the 1st question...Mine calls me out if I am avoiding/not telling full details. I need to be reined back in sometimes after I head down the "avoidance rabbit hole" and back on what I NEED to allow myself to work on and process through. She has my number and knows it right off. It's a bitter sweet thing! Bitter that I am trying to avoid for a reason, sweet that I am actually working through in a safe, non-judgmental place.

[@mariajoselosanavalencia6762]

OMG!!! The old FAQ's!!! I absolutely loved them, really I keep going back to them off and on. And it's been about seven years since you started them Kati!! Time has really flown by!!

[@marrodriguez8859]

I’ll never get tired of saying thank you!! You’ve helped me through so much without knowing it, it is unbelievable !!

[@jujuuu1]

the moment we all have been waiting for this week :) thank you kati!

[@mariajoselosanavalencia6762]

OMG!!! The good, old FAQ's!!! I absolutely loved them and I keep going back to them off and on. It's been about seven years since you started those Kati!!! Time has really flown by. :)

[@silentsabbath]

thank you for saying that we don't owe our families anything. I have had endless issues with (some of) my family (and I'm 51!) who tell me how horrible I am that I don't / won't do certain things. It's almost as though I am not allowed to be a separate person, and it's very frustrating.

[@OJMCFLY]

You know I had a woman I was dating, we are sitting at her mothers house on the couch. My woman reacted down to get the remote, which fell between the couch. As she was grabbing it, she asked her mom to help her. Her mother responded that she gave her life and she don’t owe her anything. Me myself was waiting for the just kidding part which never came. That was righteous of her mom to say to her daughter. That’s part of the reason me and her had to part way, because I felt they wanted her doing things for them all of the time and not grow with me. I still keep it groovy like a drive in movie.

[@setty61]

Kati Morton Thank you for answering my question on intrusive memories on question 4 the second half for last week's podcast. What I meant by is: i can suddenly have memories from the past pop in my head. It can be anything from tiny worries, to big worries of things from the past where I worry something could have gone wrong but I cannot tell if my brain is telling me that it is either made up, true, or partly true. It not just traumatic memories of things i worry about. I can worry on small things to big things and can be silly concerns too. It can be small things like "i may had answered the question wrong on the math test" but it was a good result up to like "oh this bad thing happened, but i cannot remember if i did this or that". that what I mean by "intrusive memories" memories where I suddenly have memories pop in my head that i worry i did something in the past and I cannot determine if it is true, false or partly true and how worrying suddenly now (pop memory in head) worries me esp if I am not sure if something happened for sure.

[@harmonys5864]

I have Pure-O (OCD) and the "Intrusive Feelings" hit home for me. I struggled with this for a long time, still do. I call these "Manufactured Feelings" to help me separate feelings from myself.

[@milenaciaramella3524]

Hey I needed it so so much so I have to ask thank you for everything you do and for your help 💜💜💜😘😘😘

[@melissahatfield2475]

Yasssss for a sec I thought you weren’t gonna post... hehehe I’m so excited 😆 love you Kati

[@crimsontuba1]

Having a circle of friends has been super helpful during this. Because then when one of us is feeling shitty, we can rally around the one, and I don't have to feel responsible for the one friend feeling shitty when i also feel shitty because i can see my friends tagging in as support that time.

[@blakelysmith7636]

I love your podcast, Kati! ❤️

[@talayawhite]

Re: Kati Cares You had one of these where you talked about making a client take an uber because she was having issue with dissociation and you were worried about her driving. I think you said something about making her show you her phone "Because it scared me." And just that, which you say in such a frank way that I can't disbelieve it, is unexpected and mind-blowing. "I care about whether this person lives or dies, I care about this person on a personal level, and I care enough to take a minute to make sure they're safe before and after they're in my office." It's hard for me to wrap my head around it. /random thought

[@juliaostlund9360]

omg ur a libra too!!! october babies Mine's this friday on the 2nd, I turn 21! also i think the night guard will get easier! It did for me

[@toni2309]

It's good to know these what I have been experiencing indeed likely are emotional flashbacks. I was really unsure whether or not I was imagining things and just kind of making a bigger thing out of something than it is. It always feels awkward talking to therapists that I think I might be experiencing results of trauma though, because emotional neglect, chronic invalidation, stuff like that isn't what is usually talked about when we hear trauma. It's usually stuff like violence that is mentioned.

[@MonikaSudakov]

Thank you for answering my question!!! And bingo about abuse/shame being the source of my abandonment and attachment stuff. I’ll check my facts. Sincerely, overly attached and I know it. 😍

[@haisesasaki3944]

38:23 I so can relate to that question. I felt so weird that the first person I came out to was my psychiatrist.

[@aramyengoyan.7325]

Just what I needed today :). So early no one's commented timestamps lol

[@baconlyswiss1306]

T

[@kikidee9623]

This is great, keep making more podcasts!

[@taylorandemilyniemi202]

I did Genesight testing (the cheek swab thing) to find out which meds worked best for me after a decade of trying different meds. It told me that there were 3 meds that worked best for me and I hadn’t tried any of those meds before so I tried the first one and it worked WAY better than any other meds had in the past for my depression. It ended up being around $300 out of pocket and it was worth every single dollar. So so so helpful! Would recommend to anyone if it’s available to you! Just ask your psychiatrist about it! If I would have done it sooner it may have helped me have a lot more happy years.

[@puppys8998]

I would really caution people to check with their insurance about what can be covered for the cheek swab. I was left with a really heavy bill after insurance only paid part. I did the GeneSight brand test and while the results were honestly very helpful in finally getting my meds set, the money part was overwhelming.

[@beadieproductionsUK]

Hey Kati, I've been contemplating theraphy for a while but have always been to afraid of it and what people would think. I recenty have really been thinking it would be good for me. So i've been doing my research and I found you! Your Videos have taking anyway so much of my anxiaty in trying to see a therapist. HOWEVER, Mental health came up in convseration in my family this week , turns out my aunty has been seeing someone. This conversation started out as if it was a juice bit of gossip, until I said it will probably do her some good and help her. Now I'm wondering/worrying that if it was me would they still be trying to talk as if it is gossip. I know they didn't mean bad and at the same time its great that its a topic people talk about casually. but I know That if I wanted anyone to know, I'd want to be the one there discussing what is going on with myself.

[@melissamziyako2268]

You're awesome Kati!💜💜

[@mackenzieartz338]

For Question #3....Hope this is helpful for someone! I did the cheek swab genetic test and it made such a difference for me in more ways than just psychological meds. Plus it was very validating for me because I had been telling my drs for years that certain types of meds didn’t work for me, I was right!

[@noramcnabb1361]

Kati my whole body cracks. Toes, ankles, occasionally knees, hips, back, neck, wrists and fingers. I dance.

[@YaGotdamBoi]

Same lol, and I have psoriatic arthritis (I’m 24), so I sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies 24/7!

[@katherineugalde9146]

I just started a new medication similar to my old one but even though it is 6 milligrams lower it has had worse side effects then the old medication . My old adhd medication wasn’t working the same as it did when I first started taking it so I had to change it and these side effects are bad. I am in therapy and she is great

[@abby_elizabeth8435]

SUP DUDES!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY THURSDAY!!!! I hope everyone has an AMAZING day!!!!

[@camilleskovell1884]

"share more with your therapist so that they can help you become who you want to be" - but what if you don't know what / who that is???

[@LisArgollo]

Let's stop for a minute and think about how Kati is so sweet and loving, I mean WTF, her hug must be amazing! 💜😊

[@geckotime7552]

Yesss been waiting for this 😁

[@toni2309]

You say that the antidote to our stress response is connection... why does connecting with people make me SO STRESSED then?

[@kymberwalley855]

I love the dundie in the back! Haha

[@toni2309]

Kati, do you actually read comments of older videos which have a lot of thumbs up? Like, not every answer on follow-ups comes immediately after releasing the video. So I wonder if you ever get to read those.

[@raywood8187]

No fear of 13 here either. You are my birthday twin Kati. xoxo

[@snuffyscorner]

I was wondering about the person who was having trouble speaking about the sexual abuse, is this because trauma shuts down the speech centers as is stated in the book "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD? In it he shares the results of people who had to read a trauma they had pre-written, while in a F-MRI and it shows that portion of the brain responsible for speech as not functioning.

[@crimsontuba1]

It took me 4 months to settle in with my current therapist and start doing the real work

[@blondineband]

Did anyone catch what kati meant by the '5:1 ratio'?? Is that typically 5 healthy coping mechs that match to the things you get from 1 unhealthy coping mechanism?

[@pipersecretp3]

There are no two months with 30 days, so, unless you're including February, it is 61 days times 24 hours = 1464 hours, or if you have two 31 day months = 62 days = 1488 hours. So, rounding, about 5% of the month.

[@toni2309]

About the supportive person at the gynecologist - I was told that they don't accept having someone with you because of covid. I hoped to be able to take my social case worker with me so that they could help me communicate, which is super difficult for me at the gynecologist. I'm autistic and non-binary and it's really hard to explain my points.

[@elizabethperimontclason3242]

I would urge you to try again. Can you maybe use the ADA for reasonable accommodations?

[@toni2309]

@@elizabethperimontclason3242 I'm German, so obv no ADA. I also went to this gynecologist alone before, so I'm worried they might say that it's not ledgit anyway.

[@МарияМитева-ц8я]

Greetings from Bulgaria. Great videos.

[@NidusFormicarum]

I don't want to downplay how isolation due to the pandemic can make people feel, but for many of us with ASD who have no jobs anyway and bascially are at home all days long it can feel strange when people complain about their restricted social life during the pandemic when that strongly resticted social life they describe is more than we could hope for in our wildest dreams. For me it's not a big difference, at all. (Of course there are other aspects, but now I am talking about being isolated.) I am usually completely isolated anyway.

[@coilsbychriss2133]

Kati we have the same birthday!! October 13 🥳

[@ylana4444]

When family members do all of these “things” for the addict…the enabling things, and have no boundaries, They become….addicted to the addict.

[@digimaya]

Hi Kati, may I know whats mic & boom arms do you use for this podcast?

[@ameliorated]

why do people agree to sign no harm contracts and what happens if they break it?

[@coilsbychriss4590]

We have the same birthday! October 13th 🥳

[@toni2309]

Yeey, another episode :).

[@StephanieArtsIs]

In regards to #7, because of covid is it allowed to have an extra person in the room with you? It makes it more tricky.

[@scenepunk09]

It probably varies per state or city. The city I live in texas doesnt allow it unless the person is like an interpreter or something. They have it on voicemail when I call the doctor..its worth asking though. Never know, they may make an exception due to the explanation..

[@tennillepatterson5500]

I came across you talking to Christina P. and I have a question that I think is perfect for you. A little background, my brother is the biggest victimiser. The last time he went to prison was for taking video of his girlfriend's daughters in the shower. He loves to victimize woman and apparently girls in general. My parents have been taking his calls from prison, but I want to cut all ties and my parents know that. I want to tell my brother that I don't want contact with him in any way while he's in prison via a letter. How do I clearly set my boundaries and stick to it? What do I say in this letter? Keep in mind my brother has violent tendencies and will only be in prison for 2or3 years and I definitely have fear over all of it.

[@SusieQ78]

#7 eeeek... I am QUEEN OF AVOIDANCE on this one lol.

[@abby_elizabeth8435]

01:02:14 I call this going Chris McCandless on them lol

[@mariajoselosanavalencia6762]

YEY!!! I sense MAMA DOCTOR JONES is coming soon. Woo-hoo!!!!

[@storytellerhut3488]

Oooh! I am soo excited ! I love her!!!

[@aidis138]

34:34 Unbelievable! Kati, where's your branded "excuse me, i burped"? 😕

[@selfhelpchampion9664]

Hi Kati, good afternoon❤️🙏selfhelpchampion

[@haisesasaki3944]

You love 13s? I hate 13s 😂 I was born on 13 march. I had an appendictomy on 13 march last year. I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on 13 May last year. So 13 letterally is the number of death for me.

[@ghostie7790]

My birthday is March 13 too!! Twinsies

[@christinemcfadyen9151]

You got married on my birthday 😀

[@melissahatfield2475]

When your yawn made me yawn

[@decembrya]

♥️

[@joshuahadley776]

Must suck living in LA, oof

[@WhisperRunner]

it’s not you, it’s me. ahh the yawn explanation...

[@fcon2663]

To anyone reading, Jesus loves you so so so much, your mind can’t fully understand. Don’t doubt Him. He never gave upon you and never will.❤️❤️❤️