How do you respond when someone says, "I'm sorry you feel that way" as an apology? Quick Hits

The ever-popular non-apology brush-off. What is the best way to respond? Is there anything useful you can say in that moment to move the conversation forward?
I got to ask Christina Kelley, Sarah Martin, James H. Lee and Simon Coles how they handle such situations.
The short answer we came up with - it depends how much the relationship matters to you.
I have been snarky and replied, "I don't think you are." But I'm not sure that's the most helpful thing to say.
What does it mean to you when someone says they are sorry you feel that way? Do you have a response that has worked for you?
Connect with the panelists:
Simon Coles: / sjcoles
Christina Kelley: / christina-kelley-3a098514
James Lee: / jleeadvisor
Sarah Martin: / epicsarah
Dr Robyn Odegaard: / robynodegaard
Want a summary of the five Quick Hits I post every week, plus the links to the LinkedIn pages of each of the panelist to show up in your in-box every week? Just let me know where to send it: drrobynodegaar...
#QuickHits are designed to exercise your brain by letting you listen in on an unscripted conversation to get other people's thoughts on pertinent subjects. If you would like to join a conversation or have a topic you would like to hear discussed, please message me. www.DrRobynOde... #apology #sorrynotsorry

[@marysunshine5587]

Omg she nailed it , "Youre not being sincere in your apology, because its not about my feelings ,its about your actions."

[@SavingsMinusDebt]

Agreed! That statement was amazing.

[@F2332unn32]

Stop censoring what you know to be the truth; it's only greater condemnation for yourself. No man or woman is good, you're definitely not. Your "doctorate" should be stripped. You are sick and need a physician. A narcissist can't see others as individuals, they're just an extension of themselves. So if they're OK with what they say, you must be too. Saying " I don't have access to other peoples internal emotional buttons" is just a cope/excuse of their pathological behaviour. The saying "words can never hurt you" is simply false. Words are at the very least the second (if not the first or tied for) most powerful tool humans have to hurt other humans; besides physical violence. The word became flesh and dwelt among us (Jesus). God has given us all language, and humans use it to deceive, manipulate, triangulate, and hurt among many other things. Jesus told those who cause little ones to stumble (also adults with pure souls) to tie something around their neck and cast themselves in to the sea. He told them to go kill themselves; and that it is profitable for their soul for them to do so, rather than hurt little ones and risk them sinning. This is why you're told to be Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For if you're not careful of the words you use you easily cause damage to other humans.

[@F2332unn32]

@@SavingsMinusDebt Stop censoring what you know to be the truth; it's only greater condemnation for yourself. No man or woman is good, you're definitely not. Your "doctorate" should be stripped. You are sick and need a physician. A narcissist can't see others as individuals, they're just an extension of themselves. So if they're OK with what they say, you must be too. Saying " I don't have access to other peoples internal emotional buttons" is just a cope/excuse of their pathological behaviour. The saying "words can never hurt you" is simply false. Words are at the very least the second (if not the first or tied for) most powerful tool humans have to hurt other humans; besides physical violence. The word became flesh and dwelt among us (Jesus). God has given us all language, and humans use it to deceive, manipulate, triangulate, and hurt among many other things. Jesus told those who cause little ones to stumble (also adults with pure souls) to tie something around their neck and cast themselves in to the sea. He told them to go kill themselves; and that it is profitable for their soul for them to do so, rather than hurt little ones and risk them sinning. This is why you're told to be Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For if you're not careful of the words you use you easily cause damage to other humans.

[@MaileyMcAslan]

“Thank you for apologizing for my feelings.” 😂❤

[@DrRobyn]

😄

[@F2332unn32]

Stop censoring what you know to be the truth; it's only greater condemnation for yourself. No man or woman is good, you're definitely not. Your "doctorate" should be stripped. You are sick and need a physician. A narcissist can't see others as individuals, they're just an extension of themselves. So if they're OK with what they say, you must be too. Saying " I don't have access to other peoples internal emotional buttons" is just a cope/excuse of their pathological behaviour. The saying "words can never hurt you" is simply false. Words are at the very least the second (if not the first or tied for) most powerful tool humans have to hurt other humans; besides physical violence. The word became flesh and dwelt among us (Jesus). God has given us all language, and humans use it to deceive, manipulate, triangulate, and hurt among many other things. Jesus told those who cause little ones to stumble (also adults with pure souls) to tie something around their neck and cast themselves in to the sea. He told them to go kill themselves; and that it is profitable for their soul for them to do so, rather than hurt little ones and risk them sinning. This is why you're told to be Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For if you're not careful of the words you use you easily cause damage to other humans.

[@Lost_JSY]

Simon is still part of the old order. In my opinion I would apologise with "I'm sorry I made you feel that way". The person apologising should take ownership of their actions and the impact it has had on someone else. That middle "I made you" is what matters and makes it sincere.

[@BakingDIY5588]

I got this in a text and i wanted to call them out but not have an explosion. "I don't feel like you are being truly authentic in your apology, because it is not about my feelings it is about your actions. " this was perfect.

[@DrRobyn]

That is such a calm, straightforward response! Now if I can just be levelheaded enough to remember it when I need it.

[@BakingDIY5588]

@@DrRobyn haha i think this might be a common situation for many. There was still an explosion but less so... So a win in my book

[@DrRobyn]

@@BakingDIY5588 Agreed! Anything that makes a situation less explosive is a win.

[@lsisak7651]

If the person really was sorry that they made you feel that way they wouldn't put you down with a fake apology. Simon is dead wrong. He's not thinking about what the words literally mean.

[@hcmangs3634]

Was hoping to hear more examples of how to respond, this happens from toxic siblings, etc, people it’s not easy to cut out.

[@DrRobyn]

How you respond really depends on the situation and how aggressively you want to address it. Asking a clarifying question like, "Was that supposed to be an apology or an opening like to a discussion about my feelings" is one option. However, if you are hoping to actually get a real "I understand I hurt you" apology from someone, it is super unlikely if they start with "I'm sorry you feel that way." They have just told you they don't care that they hurt you.

[@hcmangs3634]

@@DrRobyn I like the clarifying question idea and your example, I’m jotting that down to remember ;), very helpful! I agree, sadly, I have a couple toxic fam members that I now have more limited interaction w because they are so toxic & helpful to have some potential responses in my back pocket as they catch me off guard, or maybe because I don’t like confrontation and wish to keep peace, but now at a point where I refuse to be a doormat ;). Thanks for the response!

[@katecunningham3081]

"Iam sorry about that, I am not sure what to say, or do, to move forward from here, or even if you want to, I am not sure if we actually can, lets take a break and consider our needs". Can be a better phrases if your dealing with people who have had loads of so called people miss use certain words like "feelings", or "thinking" and blame of projective crap from those who dont want to take responsibility for the damage and trauma they have caused are psychopaths and just want to dismiss you. Hence when people who genuinely care use these words its like a red flag to a bull in a china shop to those who have had these words used in a way that is dismissive and a politically correct way of saying I really don't care but I have to look like I do, your now dismissed. Yet sometimes it's a communications semantics thing.

[@elizabethananda930]

I have said "I'm sorry you feel that way" on occasion. What I'm doing is asking the other person to take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing rather than holding me accountable for how they feel. I find it highly confusing when someone says "you made me feel" rather than " I felt" when they're holding me accountable for something. I cannot take responsibility for other peoples emotional state. For example, in company, i may crack a joke, even a "tongue in cheek" joke that a few of the people find funny or shrug off. Someone else in the group may find it hurtful and offensive. I don't have access to other peoples internal emotional buttons, no one does. And likewise, no one has control over my emotions. It's healthy to be emotionally receptive and in touch with our emotional landscape, because we can't stop life and people having an effect on us. But it's quite another thing to accuse others of "causing" our emotional state. No one "makes" me feel anything. I get to choose how I feel, and I believe that goes for each of us.

[@DrRobyn]

Agreed. If I could "make" someone feel a certain way, I would just "make" them agree with me and be done with it.

[@davidlyda3388]

Do you think it's impossible to bring people down with the things you say? You live in a fantasy reality where what you say and do doesn't effect other people. It's almost narcissistic the way you say this. You clearly do something to hurt somebody cause we all feel we all have different emotions that need to be nurtured. By saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is like saying I did something to you now deal with it on your own. That's how the world should be huh. UNTIL ITS YOU.

[@Lauradeanne]

Thank you! I feel and think the same! Brava!

[@F2332unn32]

@@davidlyda3388 Except it won't be this person because they're, not almost, but pathologically narcissistic. A narcissist can't see others as individuals, they're just an extension of themselves. So if they're OK with what they say, you must be too. Saying " I don't have access to other peoples internal emotional buttons" is just a cope/excuse of their pathological behaviour. The saying "words can never hurt you" is simply false. Words are at the very least the second (if not the first or tied for) most powerful tool humans have to hurt other humans; besides physical violence. The word became flesh and dwelt among us (Jesus). God has given us all language, and humans use it to deceive, manipulate, triangulate, and hurt among many other things. Jesus told those who cause little ones to stumble (also adults with pure souls) to tie something around their neck and cast themselves in to the sea. He told them to go kill themselves; and that it is profitable for their soul for them to do so, rather than hurt little ones and risk them sinning. This is why you're told to be Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For if you're not careful of the words you use you easily cause damage to other humans.

[@F2332unn32]

​@@DrRobyn A narcissist can't see others as individuals, they're just an extension of themselves. So if they're OK with what they say, you must be too. Saying " I don't have access to other peoples internal emotional buttons" is just a cope/excuse of their pathological behaviour. The saying "words can never hurt you" is simply false. Words are at the very least the second (if not the first or tied for) most powerful tool humans have to hurt other humans; besides physical violence. The word became flesh and dwelt among us (Jesus). God has given us all language, and humans use it to deceive, manipulate, triangulate, and hurt among many other things. Jesus told those who cause little ones to stumble (also adults with pure souls) to tie something around their neck and cast themselves in to the sea. He told them to go kill themselves; and that it is profitable for their soul for them to do so, rather than hurt little ones and risk them sinning. This is why you're told to be Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For if you're not careful of the words you use you easily cause damage to other humans.

[@Lauradeanne]

I think the main component of “sorry you feel that way” - at least for me, is that I want to take ownership of something I may have done that was destructive but not for a person’s hurt feelings if they made it into something bigger or worse that I did. I didn’t “make them” feel bad. I might have “made it easy” for them to feel a certain way, as we’re social animals, but how they feel is up to them, at least on a subtle level. Whereas if I took a bat and swung it at them, that’s direct and I am responsible for their reactions. A fine point but necessary. BTW, I used to be blamed by my mother as a child growing up for her feelings. They were her responsibility, not mine.

[@DrRobyn]

I think I understand what you are saying. My thought is that I would need to take ownership of the destructive thing, "I'm sorry I did this thing." And, as you stated, the other person's feelings are not my responsibility and therefore I cannot be sorry for them in any capacity.

[@Lauradeanne]

@@DrRobyn The only thing was this happened at my job during a major restructuring in 2009 when I became upset about abrupt changes in supervisory personnel I dealt with and my own job description. So even though I may have not been as compliant or “pleasing” as usual, I don’t remember an actual offense that would have required an apology. But I just remember getting heat for how I felt and any perceived (or actual) rebellious attitude. So it was fellow staff with higher titles that demanded an apology and there was so much infighting and politics going on that it was clear that they weren’t sincere in their request but acting on office politics and to undermine me. It was a horrible ordeal (partially due to my c-ptsd from childhood) and I retired early because of it. So now I am super-sensitive to this issue. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did then but also don’t want to take flak when it’s not mine. Live and learn.

[@DrRobyn]

@@Lauradeanne Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. "Demanding" an apology is always strange to me. I remember my mother saying, "Say you're sorry and mean it!" That's not how apologies work.

[@Desperatemeasuress]

A colleague new to the team said this to me after I suggested an improvement in our communication (or the lack thereof) that had resulted in errors in our work. I didn’t know how to respond at the time but I knew it wasn’t a genuine apology and she had no intention of improving our communication

[@DrRobyn]

It is such a frustrating brush off for someone to say that. You are right, I doubt she wants to make things better.

[@marlenenhn7941]

I received an "I'm sorry you felt attacked" email recently. By a person who attacked me verbally and who transgressed other typical work boundaries (respect of private life and forms of harassment). I felt gas lighted: I am the wrong one, I have the problem, because I FEEL that way. They have no responsibility. Also, I am wondering how far one can go in this nonsense: could a rapist say "I am sorry you felt raped?" for example? Isn't it a form of 'blaming the victim' ?

[@DrRobyn]

Yes. It is always inappropriate for someone to apologize for your feelings. They can disagree with you but they should own that. For example: "I don't believe I attacked you." Evidence likely suggests otherwise. But they can say that because it is based on their belief/feelings. Saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" is basically saying, "I don't care, too bad or it didn't happen." Gaslighting is psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. I think it applies.

[@viktorfalstadt4946]

it is maddening to me to think that there is such an insanely deep level of over thinking such a simple phrase.

[@jennifercoleman5159]

I’m sorry you feel that way. If you’ve had that phrase said to you, a noticeable amount of times with someone you love and with whom your earnestly trying to Communicate, then, perhaps it would start to become noticeable in a way that doesn’t feel good. Perhaps you are in the minority of folks who haven’t had that happen in a close relationship with someone who shows that sort of pattern on an ongoing basis.

[@viktorfalstadt4946]

@@jennifercoleman5159 this is correct i got caught up in an argument with my gf via text when i said "i;m sorry you feel that way" because obviously we both didn't agree on something and it was my belief that if we did both agree there would be a reduction in conflict between us. in a text there is no vocal tone or inflection, there is no body language and no facial expression nor the ability to make reassuring or consoling physical contact and apparently her interpretation of that phrase is "go f yourself" because she is less than well adjusted. this is literally the 1st time in my life i've ever heard of this kind of reaction. it is absolutely NOT what i would call a reasonable reaction and it was absolutely unexpected. learning about other people's idiosyncrasies is difficult enough, learning them via text is more so and we no longer have discussions about important topics via text. i recommend that all couples who experience difficulty communicating effectively in person NEVER attempt it via text. i can't imagine their relationships lasting very long.

[@RobinThomas]

Interesting. I felt the same as Simon, appreciating that with a deeper relationship, this phrase more kindly taken. I think it depends on the tone of speech.

[@DrRobyn]

Simon's point is not something I had considered prior to this conversation. While I would never use that phrase to share hurting for someone, I can see how it could be said in that way in the safe space of an emotionally intimate relationship.

[@RobinThomas]

@@DrRobyn It was enlightening to listen to this whole conversation.

[@MonicaGunderson]

How to reply to, "I can't make you feel that way". Or, "Others can't make you feel....."

[@gwendatyas6251]

I'm sorry you feel that way, do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do? Is it something I've done There's so many ways to make it a genuine apology or show care for the other person.

[@DrRobyn]

Do you use "I'm sorry you feel that way" as an apology by itself or is it a conversation starter? The way you've added "do you want to talk about it" I feel like it's a starting point. But do you find people are put off by it?

[@gwendatyas6251]

@Dr Robyn I looked up this topic because after disclosing to my adult daughter that a family situation & her behaviour I was feeling sad, angry & hurt. Her response was "I'm sorry you feel that way " I had a visceral reaction and it made me feel mocked & dismissed. If she had added to her statement to open a dialog I would have felt heard & respected. Personally I never say those words to someone. But I have had training & am much older.

[@DrRobyn]

@@gwendatyas6251 I agree with you. I also feel dismissed when someone offers the "sorry you feel that way" non-apology. It feels like "Your feelings. Your problem." I hope your family situation works out in the best way possible.

[@thistree9028]

It is about gaslighting..and it is a defensive thing, yes a strategy to dismiss. I hope that this popular comment will be seen as a trend that will be seen as ignorant. I think this comes from dysfunctional “communication skills” trenders/influencers on social media. Or on how to cop out. I so agree with Dr. Odegaard, and paraphrasing here-it is objectifying of one’s personal experience based on another’s lousy behavior. Love the “No you’re not”..ha,ha

[@Shayitisntso]

It is so annoying the first guy, is saying sometimes it’s about the context, that is exactly how and why narcs get away with saying I’m sorry you feel that way! Ugh!! It’s not genuine!! Kick that guy off the panel, omg this guy.. then they asked me to analyze my self? That is gaslighting. Why are the rest of the panel buying into this garbage!

[@DrRobyn]

Quick Hits is about people giving their opinion or how they see things. (Doesn't mean they are right) It's great that here in the comments you are able to call it out as you see it. Thank you for that!

[@angelinaondair2573]

I had this 20 mins ago with my Mother. She's a narcissistic roller coaster person for 55 years now.

[@DrRobyn]

That must be exhausting for you.

[@jester7038]

Me too! I'm done. I'm disengaging and going away to get on with my life.

[@DrRobyn]

@@jester7038 Sometimes that is the best thing you can do! When you learn there is no water in a well, stop going there looking for a drink. Good luck!

[@Altashheth08]

I get this regularly with my LTP. It does my head in and I fight myself not to respond. It upsets me that she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions… today I was told that it’s my fault that she speaks badly towards me because I wind her up… winding her up was challenging her non-apology…

[@DrRobyn]

@@Altashheth08 I'm sure you know this but I'll say it for the record anyway - You are never at fault for someone else's behavior. If she is "wound up" by you creating a boundary, that's on her. As the saying goes - the only time someone has a problem with a boundary is when they want to cross them.

[@Bee-2-the-Dee]

I had this yesterday, Im sorry you feel like that 143.....😂 nail, coffin.

[@DrRobyn]

ugh! So frustrating!

[@TheTeganOsmondChannel]

Thank you

[@Spooky1862]

Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is perfectly appropriate in situations where someone is unfairly demanding that you apologize when you’ve done nothing that warrants an apology. The conflict often arises from nothing more than a difference of opinion. In other words, this statement is not intended as an apology and should not be interpreted as such. It’s a diplomatic way of expressing empathy with the other person without having to apologize for your beliefs.

[@DrRobyn]

If someone "demands" an apology (a ridiculous thing to do) then yes, "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a fine response. Although I don't think I could say it without rolling my eyes.

[@Spooky1862]

@@DrRobyn I think I’d probably roll my eyes in that situation, too! Demanding an apology is ridiculous, at least in polite society; sadly, I’ve seen it happen a few times.

[@DrRobyn]

@@Spooky1862 Oh it happens for sure. Adults make kids do it all the time. And it's always ridiculous. Never in the history of saying "I'm sorry" has anyone ever been sorry when told to say I'm sorry.

[@angelinaondair2573]

And the gal in the middle got to contribute nothing