How I Went From an ICU NURSE to an INMATE

[@linklettertammy]

Surprised and glad i stumbled upon your channel Thanks!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Wow. Thank you so much! You are too kind. I really appreciate you 🥰

[@lorihynes6364]

I have come across you as well for some strange reason in and I said let me watch this. Gentleman and I find your videos very interesting. Well thought of an honest… thank you for sharing your life with us.. one question how long are you on house arrest for? Not 10 years, right? That’s crazy and how do you pay for this??

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Good question. I was locked up for over a year and Ive been on house arrest for almost 2 years now. Hopefully they will let me transition to being on parole in September, but we will see :) Fingers crossed.

[@laurenrubino4278]

Brian, I’m 28 yrs old, have been on KZbin since I was 12, and this is the first comment I have EVER made on a video in my life. No one I have ever seen online has affected/moved me in the way you have, and I wanted to let you know. Your strength, honesty, accountability, forgiveness of others and gratitude for life has inspired me and helped me face my own demons more than I can say. I think about you nearly every day, and especially your saying “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.” I choose to believe we as a society can come together and make a real difference in the systems around incarceration and addiction, and it’s people like you who will help us get there. Thank you. It is so upsetting to see how lonely and isolating it can be on house arrest but please never doubt that you are a very special person and you matter to many people.

[@Melissa-d6n-b1d]

This was really cool for you to share. Thank you. Yes I believe he is here to help others and he's just a delightful and sincere human. It just shines through. Have a good day and keep going strong. ❤

[@Melissa-d6n-b1d]

@JXDMNN what's the eye roll comment all about?

[@cody-channeling]

Agree. Idk what the eye roll comment is about, have some humanity here…

[@drn13355]

@@cody-channeling Well he could have killed patients while working high on meth. The idea that makes someone a hero is insane. He put others lives at risk. I will celebrate the people who go to work and don't endanger their patients. Why is this guy an "inspiration"? If he had been your mom's nurse while high you would be flipping out and suing the hospital.

[@cody-channeling]

@@drn13355 I get that but an inspiration now that hes sober for those of us struggling.

[@raisinsandexcuses9318]

I can relate to your story so much, i’m a nurse as well and i got put on opioid pain meds for chronic pain that were prescribed to me which led to a 2 year long addiction. Since then I’ve been almost 3 months clean. Thank you so much for your content it really inspired me to stay off them. You’re doing what most people are afraid of and that is speaking the truth💪. Keep making videos they really do help a lot of us who are watching! Thank you Brian🤍

[@KiwikimNZ]

Well done. Same story here. RN and multiple spinal fractures after an accident, lead to spinal fusions x 3 the pain journey alone has been rough, but although opioids saved me in many ways, they have also been a curse. Gone from 600mg (morphine) a day down to 20mg almost there. It’s taken 6 years. I can understand why this addiction can get so out of control. The withdrawals are the worst thing I’ve ever experienced if god forbid I ran out. ❤ good for you.

[@devnjohnson]

Congrats on sobriety!

[@AmandaCadorna]

Yep. Me too. Multiple cervical spine fusions after an illegal alien hit me head on. Was on Fentanyl and hydrocodone x 3 yrs. Been off all opioids now for 10 yrs. Getting off that Fentanyl was THE WORST most AWFUL and horrible experiences of my life. It took 5 months for me to completely detox. It is no joke Ohmygah. Never again.

[@joghog3279]

This happened to a friend of mine who was a travel RN (step down CCU) She was an awesome nurse, but just got hooked on pain pills after a car accident. California gave her three chances, and she ended up losing her license. Your stories are going to give other people hope! Thank you for being so honest and sharing…

[@tiaslays255]

Three!? In Tennessee you wouldn’t even get one

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope to read comments like this ❤️

[@GENXJOPLIN]

​@@tiaslays255 Because Tennessee is a backward private prison loving bootlicking shithole state that thrives on incarceration and misery

[@ShannonBlack-r7c]

​@@SmilesforMiles2024 I can't even work as a CNA in TN due to a class C Federal conviction of Marijuana...

[@GregHayes-dy3ve]

I didn't work in the health care system. I was a hairdresser for years. Which created a lot of pain in my back. I know this sounds crazy, but I called myself a functioning addict. After start wishing for other in salons not myself boss. I realized that my addiction was and is out of control. If anyone addict think they are functioning with drugs in the center even ends well. Thank you Bryon the difference between Byron and myself I've gone to rehab for mental issues not addiction. I lost my partner of 25 year to covid in 21. He saved me for years of not using, but his death took me down an even harder dope to get off of. The big one heroine and fentanyl. Be blessed my buddy. In Christ Greg from Tennessee

[@benburns5995]

Thanks for having the courage to share your story and struggles along the way.

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you! Thank you so much! 🥰🥰❤

[@deeprollingriver52]

I’m a retired RN. I went through drug addiction, rehab, and recovery. I was never “found out” by the nursing association. I went on to get my masters degree, certifications, and became a nursing instructor. In the years following my recovery, I became a good, solid RN. But to this day, 32 years later, I still suffer from severe guilt of practicing while I was high. I wish I could apologize to my victims. But I can’t. I suffer PTSD even now with the knowledge that people received subpar care because of me. It’s a sad legacy.

[@smellysock4260]

Did your use affect your ability to give care? At what point does this hapen? What about nurses who are prescribed these substances on account of pain? They take the medication and go about their workday while the stuff is in their system? I've been a pain patient prescribed this same medication for several years. When used as prescribed, it has absolutey no effect I can notice on my ability to work or function. Indeed, without it, the pain is overwhelming,and I would be in bed in agony most of the day. At what point does it interfere with life? I guess if I crushed up and injected a week's worth in one sitting, I'd be useless for a few hours, but I'm not tempted to do that.

[@HeatherEvans-p1i]

So many managers in so many companies are on medication. Even the elite can abuse medication or forget to take it .. I’ve found most people are guilty of stuff they accuse others for..everyone is capable of hypocrisy

[@BIG_NO_FLUSH]

Thanks for this man. You are helping a lot of people who may not have someone to talk to.

[@NurseJanice]

I was offered a job in my first week of rehab from an old friend and I had to say no but also explain why and what was happening to me! It was so shameful! However I am doing so much better now and in my dream job as a nurse consultant! I am glad I had the opportunity to go into rehab when I did and it didn't affect my nursing career!! Thank you for sharing your life and it will help so many! Your amazing and keep going and being you! Much respect! Our journey as nurses into addiction is so different than others! 😊

[@standdownrobots_ihaveoldglory]

Remember a stint in rehab means you probably had to get honest with yourself in a big way. These days I see an employee who's been to rehab as a strength and a great resource in the workplace *if* they feel comfortable sharing. I had a young coworker who was embarrassed to explain why coworker happy hour was a no go for her (she was super social & friendly so it was very surprising that she would never go). We actually provided juvenile treatment, so it was a good wakeup call to stop having drunk coworker hangouts, and get healthy AND when she felt ok with being generally honest, it inspired a couple other people to get themselves into a program. She was an MBA, purely a business office job, but she had a huge positive mental health impact on the staff, which is a pretty awesome legacy.

[@standdownrobots_ihaveoldglory]

Met a waitress recently when I had lunch w my retired PO friend. She had just given notice & hugged her old probation officer, so excited to share that she was all cleared to get back to her true passion, nursing! It was a tough 10 year journey, but sometimes, what was lost can be regained in a better way. We tipped her 200% lol and now she's back into the profession fully, so happy to return to her call.

[@kristinreynolds577]

I wanted to thank you for being so open and honest! I have been clean off of pain killers for 16 years and it can still be difficult. I was in the hospital and the nurse asked how my pain was doing. When I asked for Tylenol and Torodol, she said that I was the only patient who wasn’t asking for narcotics! This channel will hopefully reach a lot of people and let them realize that there is hope out there! I’m excited to follow your journey through this!

[@Kagwamas]

I could be mistaken but I think I first saw your story on Intervention. I am a Psyche Nurse who has learned never to judge anyone. I believe in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and however many chances it takes to help turn one's life around. Your aunthetic story of all the good the bad and the ugly is encouraging and motivating. May someone else who is struggling and believes they can't find motivation to believe they can. All the best!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

I really appreciate everything you said here. Thank you for your work as a Psyche Nurse. You are awesome. I was never on the show intervention so it must have been someone else :) Maybe someone with a similar story, because a lot of our addiction stories have a lot of similarities.

[@Kagwamas]

​@@SmilesforMiles2024Thank you! My apologies for mistaking you for someone else. Yes its someone with a similar story he was also an ICU nurse. I am rooting for you and everyone else who despite everything are willing to try again and again regardless of how many times they fall.

[@dm96177]

I’m also a healthcare provider but have nothing in common with addiction. Your story helps me to better understand that addiction affects all walks of life. You look healthy & handsome. I wish you all the best in rebuilding a new life, you are doing great and are so brave to share your story with others ♥️

[@madeleinearnould4471]

Hi Brian! I just want to say that your videos are beneficial to everyone, not JUST to those who have shared in your experiences. To illustrate how naive I am, the most I've ever done is smoke a puff of weed 10 years ago in high school and it made me sick haha... On top of that I've never been around people who do drugs recreationally. And yet... here I am watching every video! You're an engaging story teller (with admittedly a great smile). More than that, you're someone who is doing the work of forging positive life lessons (or superpowers) out of trauma - something EVERYONE can learn from. 🤍

[@Melissa-d6n-b1d]

Yes! I love this.

[@shandawalsh3857]

Holy cow, you look like a young Jason Bateman!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

😂 I get that all the time 😂

[@Markjon444]

Too funny! I thought that too!!

[@Bat0]

Cant wait to hear more about your story! Im so proud of you and your journey heading in a positive way.

[@bharris9425]

Thanks for sharing. This is so taboo within the medical community. My mother was an addicted er nurse. She ended up on tpapn twice over the yrs.she ended up dying from her addicition. The medical community is not good at helping each other.its punitive n ur looked down on. Its more of a problem among nurses than ppl realize. Thanks for speaking on this

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Im so sorry to hear about your Mom. Everyone knows it's a huge problem but I don't hear a lot of people talk about it too much. I really appreciate you sharing this

[@dianac1411]

Courage is Contagious!

[@erinerinerinOOO]

You should write a book to tell your story. I find people that are living dichotomous lives so interesting. You’d never think your icu nurse was using heroin and meth. Hearing stories from when you were still nursing but also using and then your progression downward would be fascinating. Glad you’re making videos and sharing your story. I hope it brings you healing.

[@KiwikimNZ]

My brother died from a heroin overdose - bad gear. (This was before the fentanyl era) He was found a week later in the boarding house he was living in … due to the smell. 😢 he always thought he had things under control, he didn’t - he was 37 years old. There is the problem with the current system and the way in which they are trying to stop people from using drugs. There has to be a better way. In my eyes. If the legalisation for personal use, a limited amount that could be purchased from a pharmaceutical source, would prevent criminal activity and senseless death. People will always continue to use drugs, the fact it’s illegal doesn’t deter people, it only causes more problems. People are fearful in getting help for their addiction due to the fact they could loose - their jobs, fear of being judged etc. . I don’t know what the right solution is, but there has to be a way in which we can save lives, eliminate the whole stigma of drug addiction as being bad. I know that here in New Zealand that we now have “drug safe” free testing stations at concerts, raves, festivals where you can get your gear checked to see if it is safe and contains the drug that you intended to purchase is actually in the drug you have. It’s a great idea ! I know that my adult sons consume things and that there is now safe checks in place for them to use recreationally, have fun and come home at the end of the night safe and well. I can’t stop them from the choices they make and I’ve certainly had my fair share of “having fun” over the years. I’m so pleased that you are still here with us. ❤ thank you for sharing your story, this is very powerful. I admire your courage at being so vulnerable and honest. Love from another RN xx ❤

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. Thank you so much for this incredibly well-stated comment. I couldn’t agree with you more about everything you said here ❤️ I think this is the right idea 🙏👍

[@cody-channeling]

Im currently struggling to stop using (binging on meth 2-3.5 days) once a month. Its just as bad as using every day imo and experience given I have been doing it for 2 years now. Im exhausted. I cant unlink the sex-drug link thats so powerful with meth and I pray and hope I can figure it out soon as I become a therapist and may not even allow myself to do that career if Im still relapsing…

[@BasedE-i2m]

*He got good gear, he just did too much.*

[@BasedE-i2m]

*Don't worry, it's not fetty so he got good gear and felt good before he died.*

[@Learningeveryday27]

@@cody-channelingthinking of you ! Hope you are doing well!

[@janharris8672]

I''m glad you're still alive! Praying for you and sending another non-creepy hug.

[@laurenrubino4278]

Thanks!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

This is very generous of you. I am blown away. Thank you so much 🥰

[@bgregg55]

I've had two acquaintances that have died from fentanyl-laced street drugs. One was a bridge engineer & his addiction completely ruined him. It's very sad. I've also known nurses that went down the same path as you.

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

It is so sad 😞 I wish I could do more to help solve this problem

[@BasedE-i2m]

*Imagine being smart enough to be an Engineer, yet not smart enough to test drugs.*

[@athelstan286]

Hello mate, Found your channel yesterday and I'm really happy to hear your story, and hear how well you appear to be doing. You're taking personal responsibility for your actions and the potential harm you could have caused by dealing, which is really good, as far as recovery goes. I think it is important to understand that you were a "user-dealer", the very bottom of the drug dealing hierarchy. In my opinion you were just as much a victim as you were a victimiser, because at the end of the day, you sold drugs to feed your addiction - not to make money off addicts (like your California dealer) . I've never had addiction issues, so discount what I'm saying if it isn't helpful. You seem like a genuine guy and I really wish you the best for the future. I look forward to watching more of you.

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

I really appreciate what you have said here. Thank you for taking the time to write it out. It definitely IS helpful. Thank you for watching and for your support. It means the world to me :)

[@TheTeaLounge]

I’m a nurse and i can’t think of purposely putting my pt life at risk but im giving grace bc ive never had this problem praying for you

[@katherinelynn1276]

I'm an ER RN who is in recovery after becoming addicted to opioids after being prescribed pain medication for chronic pain. I might have gotten help earlier if we as a profession would talk about addiction more openly & had more resources available. Thank you for sharing your story!! Makes me feel less ashamed about my "dirty secret". 3 years clean now! 😊

[@kp50065]

As along time nurse I really appreciate ur content it helps to understand a different perspective. I have unfairly misunderstood addiction thank u. Wish u well.

[@sharonneiswonger5462]

I just found your channel and I am in love with it. I am not a addict but a mother of a addict who has been clean 6 yrs and I still fear a relapse. What a family goes through is just as rough and making him stay in jail instead of bail was the worst hell for his dad,sisters and me. I am so proud of you añd can't wait to keep watching you.

[@JosepMariaIglesiasHuix]

Gràcies!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Thank you so much. Sorry, I just noticed this! I can't believe I just realized this was here. You are awesome. Thank you thank you!

[@mackiebeee]

i would love to hear some prison stories. i'm a former CNA who is currently struggling with addiction as well. your story gives me hope! ❤

[@philpaisley2364]

As the parent of two (former??) addicts i find solace in your video. I kind of feel like i am having a conversation with you my son and grandson have not had with me. Thank you. You are also really good at this. You have an extremely engaging manner.

[@gennyd8664]

I just yesterday came across your channel and I am binge-watching. You are so insightful and well spoken - I am certain that your channel will become very important and very useful for many many people.

[@theamerican_insider]

Thanks for sharing nursing is very stressful I understand now how this can happen to anyone.

[@sasha127able]

God bless you Brian! I was touch by your story and am watching your videos. As a fellow nurse and a believer in Jesus Christ 🙏🏽 i commend you and encourage you to keep going!

[@sasha127able]

I have had to go through some things in my nursing career I never thought I would face and it's only by the grace of God that I was covered and not affect my license. I can relate to you and thank you for being so real , raw, and willing to share to help someone else . ❤️

[@crazyman1118]

To see you doing so well with everything is awesome to see! Keep up the content!!

[@Melissa-d6n-b1d]

Hi Brian! Haven't had time to sit down and watch this yet. I will comment later again after I do. Just want you to know I'm out here cheering you on as usual! ❤

[@MOAB-UT]

Riding on the wave of novelty. Nice line. Bright dude. No one is immune to drugs. Wishing you well.

[@Sheyann_89]

I have so much respect for you for telling your story online. The stigma in the addiction/recovery community is crazy. I was addicted to heroin but this july ill be hitting my 12th year clean and sober and it feels amazing!

[@Melissa-d6n-b1d]

Good job! I've got 2 yrs. Every day is a blessing

[@Sheyann_89]

@@Melissa-d6n-b1d Thanks so much hun. 🤍 2 years is a huge accomplishment, good for you! Keep kickin ass! Your an inspiration to others.

[@sallydavies8228]

Wow, uk nurse here who sees so many similarities, not the drug choices but the juggling and drain of addiction whilst trying to care for others….. it’s been so inspiring watching you and your honesty and also not hiding with the guilt and shame, owning it and sharing with others instead of hiding away like you’re a piece of dirt….. take good care and thank you so so much….. it’s been amazing following your journey… good luck and thank you…

[@klb374money]

Such an interesting story. I've been on oxy after surgery and quit cold turkey because it really didn't help my pain and I wasn't high off it. Still went through withdrawal symtoms. I was like " wtf?' to my doctor and she had to explain how your body gets used to them even if you don't. LOL.. but it's so funny to me how people are so different in how and why they get addicted. That would be an interesting topic for you to talk about as a nurse. You are doing great and I do enjoy watching your progress. I'm only sending the best good vibes to you. Keep up the good work on your videos! Hugs.

[@melissaeverhart1046]

Not sure how I stumbled upon your channel but I’m glad I did. I am a recovering addict. I was addicted to pain pills. I was a CNA and had a valid script that I unfortunately abused. I made some poor choices and stole a few things and pawned them which eventually got me arrested. I’m on probation right now and have done really well. I’ve been clean for about three years and the only thing I have to do is pay restitution. Which I should have to pay as I stole from people and made stupid mistakes. Thank you for sharing your story. I want to do the same thing and start a channel documenting what it’s like to be on probation and being a former addict and some of the struggles that I’ve had to deal with and the small wins that I’ve had. It’s taken a lot of get to where I am now and I did see your most recent video and I’m very proud of you for getting back on your feet and doing your best.

[@reagandenny]

I'm glad that you tried to minimize the possible risk of death that many families experience.. especially parents when their child takes something laced with fentanyl. I think Consumer Reports would give you one of their highest ratings.. just trying to inject (no pun intended) a little humor. Keep up the good work you are doing. Being an advocate for others will benefit you in the end. Prayers for you on your journey. ❤

[@themiddlekath]

Thank you for the “pink cloud” concept. I relate to overdoing and to the demanding, paperwork-heavy job being a torture. Thank you for your honest, transparent, and vulnerable account. Your story makes logical sense of the crazy-making situation that is addiction. Regrettable choices often have a rational impetus, and principles are for people with full bellies. Thank you for making your experience so relatable.

[@willsomething5305]

Been watching/bingeing your vids. Went through some similar stuff with wife and rehab and recovery and homelessness. I'm so lucky to still have my wife and daughter here in the house with me again. I'm soooo lucky to have them in my life after all I put them through. Also, I'm from El Dorado county close to where you were. Beautiful area. Thank you for your videos and sharing.

[@SearchingfortheTruth77]

Respect to you brother ❤

[@giovannicarosa8819]

I know a Nurse Practitioner that when she was just starting out as an RN did this and became addicted to opiates. She just never got caught, and eventually turned to rehab and to this day is in AA..

[@Marchey_]

Your story is so interesting. It’s also really inspiring to see someone get over an addiction so gripping as heroine.

[@sharonevans1257]

Wish you the best moving forward! Learn from this and take care of yourself! You're still young enough to get back on track!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Thank you so much Sharon ❤️ your encouragement means a lot

[@johnbright1724]

Great video and I applaude you for sharing some hope with others. 4 years Clean/Sober #wedorecover

[@ginparadise]

THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS! ❤❤❤ I want to know everything about your years in addiction! Storytimes! 😊😊😊

[@BloodSweatandFears]

I went from emt to inmate. 6 years sober in June. Wild ride for sure 😅😂

[@richardsmith748]

Mental health in health professionals. Big topic. Glad your still out there. Wishing you well. Stay safe out there, and watch your mental health.

[@kirstenglae]

I really appreciate your videos. I’m struggling so much right now, it’s very hard for me to feel all of the trauma. Seriously, I’d rather be physically beat the hell up, than feel all the things that have hurt me.

[@iansteward4708]

Hope you are doing ok? Not sure what you’re going through but your comment caught my attention.

[@Melissa-d6n-b1d]

​@iansteward4708 Same here. Yes are you ok? You're not alone friend

[@M-Marie89]

New here! Just finished the other video you mentioned at the beginning of this video. Thank you for sharing your story. I have over 8 years clean. Appreciate the vulnerability and I'm sure this can help those in active addiction and loved ones of an addict. ❤

[@MsRotorwings]

“At this point I had forgotten about the investigation on my Nursing license. And…actually to this day I forgot about it. I never looked back. I assumed that my Nursing license got revoked…I lost complete interest in it. All I was interested in was just living day by day and getting high.” Did you really forget about it? Or is it too painful to acknowledge that you lost your career, something you worked very hard to get? While your addiction cost you tremendously, your marriage and livelihood, something in you changed. You’re not hiding in prison and using drugs. With the help of your sister you got out and got a job and a place of your own. Brian, thank you for clarifying your journey. I hope you continue making videos and sharing your process with the KZbin community. It’s raw and impactful.

[@adamm3163]

Well im glad you are out of the addiction you are an inspiration to others well done!

[@hollyinhell]

I was a city planner making great money, working in city hall. I was addicted and things got way out of control, a very short time later I was doing 2 years in state prison. It was the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me.

[@andreamoore367]

Love your uploads. Very educational

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Love your comment! Very encouraging :)

[@EmilGabrielNYC]

You are amazing and such an inspiration!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

You are amazing for being here and commenting 😁😁😁❤️❤️❤️

[@EmilGabrielNYC]

@@SmilesforMiles2024 I deal with addiction myself (meth) it has been so hard, next to impossible to get sober, currently practicing harm reduction, and losing so many friends due to fentanyl making its way in the meth supply as well, I know how destructive it is, but it is the only thing that helps me deal with my trauma, while in actually it is making my trauma worse! I know it all, but I cannot emotionally process the need to get sober, cause I feel like there is nothing to get sober for! I don’t know! But your honest posts are giving me a glimmer of hope…

[@denisesalles7248]

It's a damned good thing you didn't meet fentanyl in your street drugs...I'm glad you're alive - your story is so interesting because you seemed to have built a nice life, a career you enjoyed, supportive family (financially and emotionally), etc. I have an addiction but not to drugs - thank you for revealing so much about your self and your experience. (Just as an aside, you remind me a bit of Jason Bateman and David Packman!)

[@susanc.3771]

Thanks for sharing your story. I was strung out on heroin (speedballing) in the 80s. Fortunately, fentanyl wasn't around then, but there was still a risk of getting bad dope that was cut with who knows what. One thing I learned in the program is that 'addicts are not bad people who need to get good, they are sick people who need to get well.' I think your drug dealing was a part of your disease.

[@keithbrock2061]

Aloha from Hawaii Thank you for sharing very inspiring

[@heyitz_rj]

I know it may be easy for people to judge you in these comments but I’m not going to do that. It seems like you’ve made an effort to change which is more than what a lot of people are willing to do. Not going to lie, I’d never think a nurse or doctor or anyone in the medical field could end up like that. But of course this really highlights that it doesn’t matter how high and mighty someone’s title is, they are still human and are flawed at the end of the day. I hope your story inspires people to get help, even if they are someone that should “know better”.

[@chrisbfreelance]

Intelligence, wealth, discipline, support network, love, professionalism, won't save an addict once they are sliding fast down the slope. The fix/high/rush becomes more valued than oxygen.

[@heyitz_rj]

@@chrisbfreelanceOk, thanks for offering your opinion. I think that’s a very defeating attitude to have so I will respectfully disagree. Painting a broad brush over every person that’s addicted is very small minded thinking.

[@chrisbfreelance]

@heyitz_rj As an addict who has been in many rooms for years with other addicts, what I described is a common thread. Addiction is bleak, nothing to do with a defeatist attitude, the winning comes once you break free from the shackles. To truly get better you have to reach peak emotional fatigue, sick of being sick. Until then the poison of choice takes priority above all else.

[@lavedaraymond6045]

As an ICU nurse who has worked with impaired nurses and physicians it is not a victim less crime I hope you stay straight and find meaning to your life. Maybe work with drug rehab. Use this time to take classes

[@angelalowman7886]

My sentiments as well. How will he ever know if his use affected the patients under his care?

[@oneseeker2]

I have been in numerous car accidents (none caused by me), hospitalized in traction, one weekend I passed 1/2dozen, more kidney stones. ALWAYS refused pain meds. Hot rooted teeth, took one pain med, then another hrs later, tossed the rest in trash, made me high as hello, uncomfortable! I feel grateful I never chose pain meds, yet, at times, I don't know if refusing pain meds were smart, yet, I don't really remember the pain, even frozen shoulder for a yr. I don't encourage anyone to stay in severe pain.

[@MichelleWest-j2c]

Thank you for sharing so much! I'm on the other side, and the BON has done their part. I'm still in limbo about the criminal side

[@katherinelynn1276]

If I didn't have a "good" dealer to buy my pills from back when I was in active addiction, I have no doubt I would be dead. So I totally get how you feel conflicted. It kinda goes into the whole harm reduction conversation. If people are going to use, try to make it as safe as possible. I'm sure a lot of people have lived long enough to change & get sober because of decent people who happened to be also supplying drugs. It's hard to verbalize but I totally get what you mean.

[@angifarnsworth5216]

I appreciate you telling your story. Check out this band from Portland. Raise the Bridges. They have some great songs.

[@Ingloriouspodcast]

Great story! Keep up the good work🤟

[@paisley1053]

Hey, for some (wonderful) reason, KZbin recommended one of your videos and I’ve been bingeing them. I’m in nursing school currently. I think what you’re doing-sharing your story, being brave enough to do so-is awesome and I admire you greatly. Your ability to extract and mine the positive from a seemingly negative situation, like finding a diamond in a pile of dirty coal, is nothing short of miraculous. If more people saw the world as you do, life would be an entirely different (and better) proposition altogether. I know house arrest can be so lonely and isolating, but there are people you’ve never even met who are invested and care about you. All the love and good vibes from WVa 🙏🏻 PS…what happened to your cellmate with the hernia they wouldn’t treat?? I almost cried hearing that story. So f***ing inhumane.

[@rachelgibby3882]

Did your addiction affect your (ex) wife’s nursing career at all? Not in a legal/administrative stance but in a personal way? Did she feel like she couldn’t/shouldn’t practice because of what happened with you? I’m so so proud of you for your recovery. Thank you for sharing your story, you never know who you may be helping! Praying everything continues to go well for you!

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Thank you so much! I appreciate that. My ex wife is currently not working as an RN, but that doesn't have anything to do with me. She worked for 2 or 3 more years after her and I spit up and then she decided to go down a different path. I am grateful that her and I are still good friends :)

[@chelsea_withan_a618]

Hey! You asked how you should feel about your conviction/crime and it’s an interesting question! My ideas below are purely from a hypothetical perspective, as I can’t be completely aware of your particular scenario, but I do have some thoughts: From experience (I’ve been sober 6.5 years), I know that if you weren’t selling it, they’d be getting it somewhere. It doesn’t matter where, once the itch starts, you’ll do anything to scratch. I appreciate that it was better quality than most, but I’m not sure that should really factor in. But I’d say it’s also like texting while driving. It feels “victimless” when you send a text and nothing happens. But there’s the one time you’re typing a message and a person may unintentionally be in the roadway. While most of the time nothing happens, we have to make sure that unknowing pedestrian is safe so we have to regulate speed and enforce with speeding tickets. So while I don’t think you are necessarily responsible for these people’s choices (even if it doesn’t feel like a choice), I also think that the judicial system is doing the right thing by trying to curb the damage. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But I do feel that penance would be due for knowingly breaking laws meant to keep society safe from whatever that may be. Drugs affect far more people than the addict and their direct, and “just say no” obviously didn’t work. Again, I have no blame towards you for speaking out and am definitely not saying you should feel ashamed forever. I think you’re doing fantastic work, but overall, actions have consequences. I think that when you’ve completed your sentence, you have repaid that debt to society and deserve to move on and live happy, joyous, and free. ❤

[@4dbak]

went to lpn school 12 yrs ago started in hospice ended up w/ two d.u.i.s related to alcohol (drugs aren't my twist) required to wear ankle bracket for 6 mths, got drunk cut bracket off, went straight to camp hill, Pa for 13 mths. Came home never looked back just celebrated 9 yrs sobriety for me the easy part was getting sober, the hard part was staying sober but I'm proof it can be done. take care of urself

[@RespectTheReef]

Can you talk more about Kratom? And how it lead you towards other drugs? or just more information on it? Just Your relationship with Kratom.

[@keltziemo4923]

Thank you for sharing you story!

[@harrisonmode8046]

Dude I did and went through so many similar things. You’re awesome, I wish I’d known you on the street. Anyways good to see you now - be well and continue what you’re doing. BTW: People choose to do drugs, it’s not on you, it’s on them.

[@Nan-59]

Wondering… when was this going on? I feel like it wasn’t all that long ago which is crazy to me that where you guy live, you can actually still find heroin. In the Midwest it’s mostly all fent. People are dying here just so many people. Namely, my son died just four months ago. Drug induced asthma attack on Christmas morning … was in the hospital two hours from our house, because there were no neurologist in our town on Christmas day . In CCU for six nights… my dear boy was found to not have any brain activity … and then he became an organ donor .. What an absolute nightmare. 😢

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

It absolutely breaks my heart to read this. I am so so sorry for your loss. That is so terrible. I can't imagine the suffering you are dealing with. To answer your question, this was going on with me about 3 years ago now. If you are ever feeling like you don't have anyone to talk to about it feel free to get in touch with me: [e-mail] My heart goes out to you

[@ekiefer1612]

Unimaginable pain -peace be with you in all your days forward

[@amandawilliams7833]

Thanks for sharing… you are inspiring many people! Do you miss your nursing career?

[@woodsman335]

Great video and message!

[@KS-bx2jf]

Where were you getting the drugs to sell though?

[@mt_gox]

can just feel the slime oozing out

[@MJ-98]

Hi, medical student here! What you described with your selling clean consistent drugs is part of what we think of as harm reduction, even though you were doing it for selfless reasons. I can understand feeling guilty about providing the drugs but for that little bit of time you were, however unintentionally, keeping people safe in a way while using. Just a thought.

[@tracygabrielson6933]

It is amazing that you are able to share your story. It’s great that you have been able to get and stay clean!! My son is an active user of fentanyl and I scares the shit out of me!! I hope that on day he will feel he is ready to get clean. I would love more than anything for him to be clean and us to have a relationship. I know I can’t push it. It Hass to be on his time and I think that makes it even harder for me. I just want to help. Any suggestions?

[@meghan7411]

Just be there when he is ready 🤍 sending you and your son love, strength, and internal peace.

[@femaleprofessionaldriver7650]

I feel for you bro! Many years ago I was addicted to a hard street drug and had those very same rationalizations, of “just this once, then tomorrow I’ll figure out how to slow down on this stuff and quit” …….ANYWAY. I got in the surgical tech program at a college and started clinicals and everything. I was holding together pretty good (I REALLY wanted to get my shit together!) But there were always random nights where my car would get stolen or I was up all night with the old crowd, then would have to go to class and clinicals. I could barely scrub in some mornings I was so tired and maybe a little bit high. I’m so ashamed to say that! At the middle of the spring semester the instructors were onto me. They started asking questions, treating me differently, telling me I was not going to pass. They were saying, “what was wrong with you in surgery this morning? You acted like u were falling asleep standing up!” It was so horrific to be caught. Needless to say, I didn’t finish the semester. It took many years after that of trying to get clean, I would and then I would relapse again. Several times. FINALLY, everything clicked and I’ve been able to leave all that life behind. I still work on forgiving myself and have sort of like “flashbacks” of things that I did that I hate. My family has been very forgiving and supportive. That has helped too. It takes a lot of bravery and courage to tell your story, I hope your channel does well and I hope you succeed. It’s helpful to so many people to hear these stories, it gives us hope and helps us not feel so isolated and that there are good people that get caught up in bad things. Stay strong!!!

[@harryalquiza6087]

Love your stories man

[@lauraw3739]

I am wondering if you would consider speaking about Kratom.

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

Yes definitely. I have talked about it a bit in some of my other videos. It's a southeast Asian plant that is sold in a powder form. It affects everyone a little differently but for me it functioned identically to other opiates (very much like Vicodin or Norco). It is legal in the US in most states so you can just go to any smoke shop and buy it.

[@amycolucci6769]

Finally, all caught up with your videos🤣

[@SuperMrpeepers]

Interested why you have a Amarillo shirt?

[@tailorforeman7082]

This man can stop hard drugs but I am finding it “impossible” to quit vaping. I need to get over myself and man up

[@Teenywing]

I just love you. That’s all I have to say. ❤

[@SmilesforMiles2024]

🥰🥰 you’re awesome 🥰🥰

[@benjaminciotti3462]

The honest drug-seller has nothing to feel guilty about

[@Teenywing]

If you are ever in the mood, I’m interested in hearing about you/others having to WD in jail. What I love most about your videos is that you are a smart, lovely, educated good person and everyone always thinks of ‘addicts” as someone entirely different. I hope it helps people to judge less and have more compassion. I just love you❤ thanks for making these videos :) (Sorry, long comment) also, how did your parents react to everything? Such as: The drugs/divorce/ the shaggin’ wagon style van and jail). thanks! ❤

[@RV-there-Yet]

Hehe~ whenever I see those vans, all I hear in my head is; 🎶if the van is a' rockin, don't bother knockin'🎵" #ShagginWagon

[@Melissa-y2u]

New here. Great storyteller!

[@apriljoy425]

This is an important channel. I hope it becomes a safe place for addicted health professionals.🙏🏾

[@spaceyman69]

Hi. How do you plan to support yourself? Thx

[@rachelsebree8524]

Bro..your an addict..you werent trying to kill them but keep your addiction alive....your now able to reflect and think correctly about it because your healing....i know how you feel

[@melodymacken9788]

Addiction is a shit place to be. Keep goin and most of all keep it simple. The most important part of my life is sobriety. I really and truly hope life is kind to you.

[@uutooyu]

Hang in there brother recovered from meth for 21 years now I never assume I have it beat but yeah !

[@rubywoo_5.2]

Im all ears, good evening Brian 🌙 thank you as always for sharing. Wow you were wheelig AND dealing. Lol not funny but you know what I mean 🙏🏾😊 When you were going thru detox /rehab did they offer you Suboxone/MD? Wow Pink Cloud... never heard of that term but the description is Definitely familiar. You're so optimistic, hopeful and certain...with ALL the good intentions in the world. Then one day you start flirting with it again smh Vicious cycle but I feel like you know when you're truly DONE. Im in the Bay Area ~Oakland specifically. I wish I could chat one on one privately with you about aome things. Im glad you're still sharing your journey, sordid details and all; bc I imagine its still not an easy thing to bare something so personal. You're inspiring so many and helping to change lives,it wont be in vain. ❤ 🎉

[@gdhone2371]

I did not take the time to read any of the other comments, forgive me if I duplicate what someone else says. Your dilemma about supplying "safe" drugs intrigued me. I get your thought processes and understand your desire to search for any sliver of good from the wreckage, who wouldn't. Thinking about what you described, what did you provide? Perhaps more time for the user. But I wonder what are the unintended consequences of providing more time? Very few people beat those drugs until after their own wreckage, and the need increases every day, as does the desperation when the increase is not met. So escalating crime seems the likely to meet the need, effecting innocent people trying to go about their lives. As the use increases the value system and empathy of the user erodes at an increasing rate. The nature of the drug and the nature of the addiction are inevitable for almost all people and death is inevitable barring escape. Is time a factor in possible escape from addiction? Yes. But at what cost to innocent and not innocent people caught up in the user's wake? How often has a person who just shot up dropped a cigarette or left a candle burning and started a place on fire causing more deaths than their own. That doesn't even make the news. To me enabling is folly to all in the vicinity of the addict, and the consequences can not be measured or predicted. There are as many solutions as there are addicted people, but enabling is not part of any of them, and breaking the cycle of the addiction is part of all of them.

[@lexinicole4317]

I don’t think you should feel ashamed or “bad” for selling drugs to, essentially, survive. In active addiction, feeding your addiction can and often does take priority over eating, having a safe place to sleep, etc. so to your mind it does become survival. So, I feel that guilt can be a healthy, helpful emotion to experience in recovery, so long as you prevent it from turning into shame. Guilt can be productive and push us to grow into better people. Shame tells us we ARE bad people (so what’s the point in trying?) I’m almost 4 years clean from heroin and fentanyl (and everything else, because as I’m sure you know, during active addiction most of us will take whatever.) There are still times, usually at night, where my mind will refresh me on some terrible things I said/did or people I caused harm to during active use. It causes me discomfort to remember those things, and then it’s a relief when I look at myself and my life today and realize that I will never do anything like that, ever again. To realize through the guilt I’m feeling in those moments, just how much I have grown and changed as a person, it reminds me that I am proud of myself for making those changes. Yes, I do believe that selling other addicts drugs is something worth feeling “guilty” about. No, I don’t think you should be beating yourself up about it. It’s impossible to say how those other people’s lives might have changed (for better or worse) if you hadn’t been dealing to them, and they had been forced to rely on the sketchy street supply in your area. That said, you weren’t selling them drugs to help them or save their lives. You were selling them to feed your own addiction. And that’s okay, but our intentions matter. To me, it’s like a suicidal person purchasing a gun while they let you know they plan to kill themselves with it, and you stop them from buying a broken gun that misfires, or from having to buy the gun from other more “dangerous” people. You’re still actively helping these people cause harm to themselves. Any story we tell ourselves to minimize the damage we did to those around us during active addiction is just that-a story. And as addicts, we learn to become REALLY good at lying, especially to ourselves. Anyway I’ve been enjoying watching your backlog of videos and seeing your progress through recovery while on house arrest. So glad to hear you’re out now, and hope you’re doing well. You have a lot of value to offer to the world around you and I hope you find the peace and love in this world that you deserve. Give yourself the grace, patience, forgiveness, and love that you would give to someone else. Good luck man, I’m rooting for you!