How To Argue With Your Partner

[@therepublicofdiarrhea7792]

Every School of Life video is like a mini-therapy session. These tidbits of wisdom are healthier for my body than kale.

[@ChickenNugget-io4yu]

Anyone want some chicken nuggets?

[@SoFStlas]

Chicken Nugget ofcourse

[@jessiezhang8007]

and they go down easier than kale, too >_

[@veentagetee]

ok but your name lmao

[@therepublicofdiarrhea7792]

Rebecca Quintana - haha It's the name of my KZbin show xD

[@lambusaab]

2:52 "It takes proper courage to confess you are frightened"

[@maj.peppers3332]

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but to stand in the face of fear"

[@mishasworld1765]

Watch out though. Know your partner. If you say "I feel very hurt" to a narcissist or a possessive person it is like food and energy to them. They will continue to attack you.

[@mybocks3]

There's value in that as well. If you show your vulnerability to your partner and they react like a shark who smells blood in the water, then you're with the wrong person.

[@ellemiller3268]

I told the narcissist in my life exactly how she’d hurt me through text, and she disregarded it entirely, saying “You’re not actually feeling hurt, I think you’re confused. Let’s get together and talk about how I really hurt you.” Like, uh, no I’m already having a panic attack just from texting you and I know how you’ve twisted my words against me before and made me believe I was crazy and blowing things out of proportion when you were doing exactly what I suspected *and* worse. She also liked to rub salt in my wounds with her “apologies” she made blanket statement apologies for everything she’d done, and only go into detail about the worst things. Like, “I hurt you and others so badly, and I never should have *kissed your fiancé*, I don’t know what I was thinking when I *kissed* him.” She didn’t just kiss him lol she tried to seduce him, like get real you freak, trying to sound all innocent. Makes my blood boil.

[@datadonascimento]

@@ellemiller3268 youtube feels too much like a public place for people to be so open

[@lavinialavinia1786]

Yes and they LL say to You "It a youre problem, that You feel like this "

[@novrikusuma8621]

I was in that condition. Fucking toxic relationship.

[@vasymusic2556]

why am i even watching this i'm alone

[@lovelove-jx9qt]

Same. But at least then you don't argue in the first place.

[@Jadre56]

Well, I´m watching it for a good reason even though I´m alone: To learn. There may be a way to transfer the knowledge into other areas of life, you know?

[@lovelove-jx9qt]

Yes. All relationships have arguments. We can still learn from that part.

[@GabrielSouza-sr6jr]

your profile picture fits your comment very well.

[@sinokomp]

because you'll soon be in relationship and then it will come in handy

[@michaelaomalley6163]

In my experience (and i have a functioning relationship - which doesn't mean we never fight, but that we have good conflict resolution skills) my experience is that the fighting definitely always boils down to the fear of losing connection... it DOES also involve the need for emotional safety, however. I'm not sure i understand why this video says it doesnt. The two are very closely linked. And I'd also add that the issue CAN be about the dishes or whatever, but the response to the issue and the other person's response to the bringing up of that issue are both ultimately linked to deeper feelings, if those responses are disproportionate to the issue (or "dishues" haha) brought up. What is ultimately vital to the peaceful resolution and reconnection on both ends of a conflict is to RESPOND to your feelings, rather than REACTING to them, by explaining them as calmly as possible - which often requires taking space to calm down first. AND then the partner also must respond rather than react. If you need to get out your rage, consider doing it out of earshot before you approach them. Remember that your goal (if in fact you do love them and want to stay in the relationship) is to ultimately have a more peaceful dynamic, and then to act accordingly. Find a way to approach the problem diplomatically, focusing on the solution.... So often in life we get so familiar with those who are close to us (doesn't have to be a romantic partner) that we forget that they are still an individual who deserves our respect, and we should (despite it sounding rather paradoxical) consider treating them like we would a stranger, or someone with whom we have a more formal relationship, and with whom diplomacy is the only option.... Another way to look at it is how you would (hopefully) approach a problem with a young child. In most cases you are already aware of the motivations behind bad behavior, but you know that they're too young to have fully developed a solid sense of morals or social appropriateness, so you forgive them and explain to them why what they did was wrong... You would obviously not want to approach your partner with condescension, but you COULD approach it with the assumption that THEY are not inherently bad or evil or ill-intentioned, despite what their actions may indicate. They most likely are not doing whatever they are doing because they want to hurt you. And if you truly think they are, then your task is to assess their true motives by quiet reflection or by directly asking them, "hey, are you trying to hurt me? because you are." When asked with a tone of diplomacy that question can go a long way... The mastery of your own emotional responses in every single instance of interaction is the true key to halpiness in relationships. If your partner will not try to do the same, then you probably have a sign you need to move on.

[@smolson8471]

This is so wise and 100% true.

[@joannemasterson8279]

Michaela - this is beautiful. You have helped me so much today. You just described conflict resolution skills that more of us need to know!

[@antoniabiris]

+1

[@Originaltransom]

Highly underrated comment. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

[@AlyshaBolden]

I've been trying to figure out how to stop the rift and fights my fiance and i have. I'm really bad at following through long term. I often tell him i wish he treated me like any other stranger but maybe thats the key to helping diffuse the fights we have.

[@meaganadwyer]

I think it's crazy when people expect to have relationships with no arguing. You are going to fight, but it's important to know how to fight fair, and know the circumstances that might lead to you and your partner arguing. The chances of my boyfriend and I arguing go up exponentially when we are tired, and 99% of the time, our fights come from miscommunication. We try to say "When you said this, I heard this and it made me feel like this". That phrase has been a lifesaver.

[@AlyshaBolden]

Mind if i steal your phrase? Im grasping at straws to stay with the man i love.

[@kAcHaNcHiniFy90]

Doesn't quite work with my mom. I will reflect though, maybe its my tone of voice, my volume, or perhaps my body language?

[@sahilhanda6543]

*Saying "fuckwit" in this voice came completely out of nowhere 😂* Loved the video SOL, honest communication is the best way forward. I actually find that arguments are beneficial to the relationships and that being constantly happy moment to moment isn't what we seek in one (that may be why we reject people who are too nice to us). The criticism, when constructive, keeps us linked into the relationships and, as this video says, shows how much we actually care about the other individual. Having a partner who judges you for your limitations and argues with you when you need to be called up on something will allow you to push yourself beyond what you already are, which is a far better prospect than eliminating arguments altogether.

[@SoFStlas]

Sahil Handa spoiker alert

[@humanbean4037]

Sahil Handa well put. ^.^

[@AskTorin]

Sahil Handa well put. I think I will argue with my girlfriend tonight😂

[@feelsokayman3959]

Sahil Handa perfect comment!!!! sooo true :) that's also why sometimes you fall in love with someone that "annoys" you a bit here and there ;)

[@mabelidove6813]

Sahil Handa , you got that right 👍🙌 being honest helps build more trust and connection in a relationship. If the partner isn't honest and just strikes with harsh words, they make it difficult to be understood. My boyfriend and me are very opposite from me and I'm amazed how well our opposite traits help each other out 💞 but we have a lot of arguments because of how different we are. In arguments, he sees me weaker than him because I don't attack him with harsh words. I'm not an aggressive girl....it sometimes seems like he takes advantage of my kindness. But I'm always honest when I'm hurt and bit by bit he is becoming less mysterious and I'm starting to learn a lot more from him....it's surprising the things partners can learn from each other through deep conversations. I prefer the tough truth than the sugar coated lie.

[@Top10Archive]

Not many people can use "fuck wit" in a video and still maintain composure and not miss a step.. Kudos, lol. Great video by the way - videos like this should be shown in schools, colleges and every counselors office in the world.. Screw paying a shrink $200 an hour - just play these videos.

[@ericdeniz5413]

Maybe the guy who narrated this video was called a " fuckwit " before with his wife because he sounds like it xD

[@IsabelleMN11]

I think the struggle with admitting hurt, is wondering your partner is a safe haven for that kind of vulnerability. you wonder whether your partner will actually respond with compassion and understanding, rather than moquery or defensiveness. so it feels more emotionally safe to lash out, because your vulnerability is safer then. I remember once admitting to my boyfriend that in the time when I struggles to find a job after graduation, I often felt like I was just an extra in his story, rather than living my own. it was one of my most vulnerable moments, and he threw that back in my face when we got in a huge argument. it was then that I realized the emotional cost of being vulnerable. And it's a struggle that I'm still dealing with, knowing that vulnerability is key to a deep connection, but so very risky

[@chloeme3589]

Were you able to overcome that as a couple? It doesn't sound too good, I'm wondering if you're still together, 3 years later.

[@IsabelleMN11]

@@chloeme3589 we had already broken up when I wrote this comment. But for what it's worth, I'm much better with vulnerability because I've learned how to be my own emotional safe haven, so it's less scary to be open about how I feel.

[@Ahyawnah]

So true

[@xXxooSaltooxXx]

OMG, If you say your upset and they just continue being defensive and forcing their perspective down your throat then fuk them

[@kAcHaNcHiniFy90]

@@IsabelleMN11 how do you become your emotional safe haven even when you are being vulnerable to others if might know?

[@TB_JMaX]

At least we know the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

[@dew3422]

Josh lol

[@TheHannaHelena]

This 'I feel hurt' statement won't work with a very logical, fact-based partner. To get hurt is something unmeasurable. It's something that comes out from being emotional. So when you tell your logical partner 'You hurt my feelings', he or she will say 'Okay, but you're still wrong because...' without addressing the emotional part of the fight. So if this is the case, the one who get hurt will usually just accept the other's fact-based argument and the pain ends up being ignored.

[@ellesrevisionsession]

Yeah I can struggle with this because I'm logical. They say they're hurt and I'm like "why" and am tempted to list all the reasons they shouldn't... But I have come to realise that I should stop responding like that and just listen to what they're saying and then try and reassure or comfort them. Logic doesn't matter when someone is hurt.

[@jessicalin4170]

Hanna Helena this is spot-on.

[@cuteyjames]

You basically commented how me and my boyfriend broke up. He was Aspergers and I’m a Leo. So he was a logical type and I’m an emotional type. We ended up breaking up because he could never understand why I was hurt.

[@trystmay6961]

Hanna Helena oof I now realize that I’m the very logical one, I realize that’s not okay now that I think about it, every time me and my partner fight or argue I do say well you are still wrong or something along those lines

[@daryllepedrosa692]

THIS. He says he’s not disregarding my feelings, but does it ANYWAYS.

[@TAEYYO]

_"I'm so hurt. I'm frightened."_ *"Oh I get it, you're trying to make me out as the 'bad guy'. Playing the ole victim card huh?!"*

[@OptinXCrypto]

yes exactly this happens with me

[@beloved-1005]

🤣 That how it be

[@toyyoda3119]

The people that care about you should be able to empathise with you when you are vulnerable and trying to share your feelings. If they can't, no matter how articulate you're being, whether it's friends, family or partners, they don't deserve to be in your life.

[@100AngelBoy]

I used this strategy on the verge of my relationship falling apart, it just saved it, I literally told her that I am frightened and hurt, then she stopped arguing and we ended up nicely. :)

[@queencityminis]

Are you still together?

[@ellesrevisionsession]

I was in a two year relationship where we never argued. We disagreed. But never argued. It was the loneliest relationship I have ever had. I will NEVER again have a relationship where we don't argue. Arguments are a blessing in disguise, you vent at each other, you get to re-evaluate where the other is at and compromise accordingly. Not all arguments are toxic. They are healthy.

[@SPYTHandle]

The existence of this channel makes youtube's worthwhile. You've given me solace, reassured me, made me cry, made me stronger. You've been one of those voices that I so need, to balance the bad ones, in my head. Whenever I feel discouraged, afraid, and angry I know there is always one of your videos to help me put things into perspective and deal with my emotions. You have been a part of my journey to myself without knowing it! I love you guys! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[@BinaBianca]

But what if your partner won't stop being mean or hurful even though you said you're hurt? What if you're the one, making yourself vulnerable and the opposit uses this as an advantage to still say hurtful things. What if your partner won't understand that you're making yourself vulnerable, because he or she has a lack of empathy?

[@shadowcakesxp5181]

Bina Bianca then I'm afraid you are in a toxic relationship and you must end it ... why would you even start a relationship with someone who lacks empathy and is mean to you in the first place ?

[@nmjr547]

Bina Bianca maybe that person is holding onto something you, or someone else did to them that makes him or her feel like they have a reason to lack empathy. It's a matter of perspective whether someone believes he or she has reasons to be mean. So you can either try to reveal what that reason is, or change that unforgiving mindset.

[@shadowcakesxp5181]

Nicole M. Jimenez Rosario hmm maybe , but I don't think it's acceptable for someone to take the vulnerability of his/her partner as an advantage to be more hurtful because that would show he/she is manipulating more than he/she trys to win an argue

[@nmjr547]

Shadow annonimus XP I agree. I was trying to explain why I think that person is behaving that way.

[@BinaBianca]

Thank you so much for your answers!

[@KnowArt]

step one: get a partner

[@Chandra5]

This works with anyone you have a relationship with. Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Friend.....ect.

[@paperitgel98]

Cha Cha what are you doing step bro? this is soo wrouung

[@Chandra5]

Step Bro falls under the brother category

[@aidsomemore]

Aldo stop indeed. really. STOP.

[@SPYTHandle]

Step one: Get a therapist. I think everybody needs one.

[@Bananenbauer123]

I feel like the words: "I feel hurt." Are pretty much an ultimatum. If you say 'I feel hurt' and your partner doesn't respond with empathy, you might consider ending the relationship. Getting turned down after such a confession, disregarding these words as "An Excuse" or "You'r just trying to turn the conversation into a different direction" or "You'r saying that to manipulate me, is the obvious result of mistrust. If you can't get your partner's full attention(mindful awareness) after saying you have been seriously hurt, you are suspected to be a liar. I would conclude the relation is very unhealthy and I'm saying that because the comment section is filled with people saying the advice from this video doesn't help them, but we all know that it SHOULD help.

[@rey_nemaattori]

That largely depends on how often and when you utter this. If your partner gets angry for not taking out the trash for the 3rd time and you immediately reply with "I'm feeling hurt" without having being called names, denigrated or put down, but simply got shouted at for not doing something you were supposed to and now it's a stinking mess, you _are_ manipulating in order to get out of the situation.

[@megs8752]

Oh god I am so glad that I watched this video. It actually kept me from having an argument with my boyfriend. I was able to have proper and satisfying communication with him instead. Thank you.

[@SirDization]

In layman's terms: "honestly, I feel sad that someone I really trust did/said that to me. I'm also very scared that I should give my heart to someone who has made me so hurt/sad... Hey, let us work out this misunderstandings and feelings together okay?", those are the magic words aren't they?

[@ashleylee3528]

"We're not in a relationship to be emotionally safe, we're there to find a connection." Wow.

[@Dantick09]

How did you do that?? I was just about to send an angry text and then saw the video in sub box. You are just in time with the wisdom

[@gabrielasiii]

Dantick09 bb

[@luislizano7025]

Google uses our information from every thing we see and write online and makes recommendations. Not is magic, it's just big data and alghoritms.

[@noahmarr7671]

Dantick09 you’re a dick

[@ndrreathekitty]

me: im hurt them: ok thats your fault

[@s4lj4y]

Yep. "You're choosing to be hurt."

[@movingon2081]

Why are you calling me names Him: you started it...

[@bismahkiani]

Me : I’m hurt and I want to talk it out Him : fuck off I’m going bed

[@astraaea]

“I’m sorry you feel that way”

[@fruit21orn-imsin12]

You don't have to argue with your partner. If you don't have one.

[@ganasca]

I always admit that I feel hurt, and that I'm scared, but it's so hard for me to say that staying calm.. Almost always I get overwhelmed by my emotions.. And I cry, or I shout, because my fear of not being loved is so deep that I can't stand it in these moments.. So my partner feels attacked and he isn't comprehensive with me.. I'm trying so hard and I'll keep on trying to speak myself in a calmer way

[@jemuel2315]

This video couldn't have come out a better time! Thank you sooo much School of Life!!!

[@1106pianolover]

I appreciate how interconnected and complementary all of this channel's content is. Lessons from previous videos are referenced and built upon in subsequent videos, as if this were genuinely a university course on life's psychological roadblocks. I'm amazed to have learned how seemingly unconnected issues burdening a relationship can be revolved through a shift in mindset and expectations. This channel is truly a crash-course in emotional intelligence. Thanks School of Life!

[@lovemecom3832]

It's very important to first calm yourself so that you could not speak any regrettable words towards your partner. open communication and understanding is also the key.

[@JuanRojas956]

thanks for the video. I tried it with my girlfriend and I'm now single

[@paulstaker8861]

Juan Rojas consider yourself a free man :")

[@lacigoldude]

In that case, good riddance. ;)

[@cup_check_official]

tbh as a male in the relationship whenever i reply with something like "this hurt me" or any variation of that mentioned in the video i usually get the reaction of be a man or man up or something along the lines of "you are always hurt". So im sad to say this doesnt work for me

[@ridavv6482]

Tell Me This::: Well, I'm in a relationship, but my girlfriend is really caring and nurturing about my emotional turmoil. If she said something like that to me, I would feel unloved 😞 What I think is the problem here, your girlfriend has become numb to your emotions, and she has built a barrier around herself saying 'my feelings need more attention rn' I think you should tell her should sit down and have a conversation about how to be considerate towards each other's feelings, if both of you still see yourself together in the next few years.

[@PHOEBEE69]

Tell Me This find a better lady who doesn't place gender ideals onto u

[@stardust4001]

Tell Me This i think saying that i am sad would be much better

[@HeyJoJoTF2]

I rarely expressed myself or discussed how I felt with anyone, and never said or showed I was upset except for when my dad pissed me off or it bubbled and I exploded every few months. Partly because I'm cheerful, but since my girlfriend came along I've gained such a strong connection to my emotions and her, and I've grown up to know who I am and what I want. I've been able to open up so much, and because I've learnt to somehow relate to what I'm feeling or actually "feel my emotions", I've learnt they're so strong I end up crying probably at least once most days now (which I never thought possible because I thought I'd always be boring and uninspired, not riled up by anything) either missing her or feelings of love/cuteness.. Which was unexpected and a little embarrassing but quite funny! Suppose I'm quite feminine but I'm 5'11 14 and a half stone hairy broad and mostly muscle, and life is great. We don't properly argue but that's because we never get actually angry with each other I'm just very mindful and carefree. It's weird but common for us to have a cry to each other and go straight to what lovers do (my guess is the strengthening of the bond over opening up and showing vulnerability) A guy I met asked how you know as he was searching. I said she was the first person I knew I would fight and die for, also how the uncertainty in my life has cleared and I now have direction (my feelings of protection and who she's helped me become) Sorry for rambling. If you've got a lot floating around in your head I've found it helps to just write it down. Dunno how relevant this comment is or what messages it carries but I'll post so feel free to relate. Be yourself, being what you think is expected of you will only fuck you up regardless of how much easier it is and how it gives you some kind of goals. One day you'd think "what a fucking waste of time! "

[@nafdikyaaqsa]

Anyone who tells you to 'be a man' or 'man up' when you express your feelings doesn't sound like a great partner. You deserve better than such a damaging and crappy response.

[@nizarelhilali8646]

Now make a video on how to get one please

[@kevinjohnson6549]

Nizar El Hilali based Zeus

[@DeanExplains]

Exactly. I, myself, in a relationship for 3 years now. But I stumbled across Based Zeus channel by mistake. He's highly underrated.

[@nizarelhilali8646]

I was being jocular, since I don't consider myself sane enough to be in a relationship. But I will make sure to check it out, thank you guys

[@mrman3401]

Nizar El Hilali love ur profile pic, that album is godly

[@nizarelhilali8646]

couldn't agree more

[@sachinpanwar1175]

Best way to react is to react honesty, what you have felt with other person's behavior. Anger is a form of love and it also strengthens understanding and bonding.

[@stephoncrack]

thanks but im single

[@lovelove-jx9qt]

Same, but arguments can happen in any relationship.

[@godscardioscar]

@love love No, they can't.

[@briarscountry99]

Hmm... I wonder why

[@mirandapanda5439]

This can happen with your friends too

[@codebeard]

The problem with this is that "I feel hurt" (with its implied "You hurt me") can be used without any basis whatsoever by manipulative people. As soon as such a manipulative person learns that their partner is sensitive to being told they have caused hurt, on come the waterworks and "I feel hurt" at every bloody opportunity. I used to be friends with a girl who had borderline personality disorder and she used this all the time. Eventually I became desensitised; unless someone can coherently articulate why they are hurt then I will just treat their statement as an attempt to emotionally manipulate.

[@humanbean4037]

thanks, I never thought of that.

[@SuperAvocadoo]

But what caused your friend to use the word "I feel hurt" to begin with? There`s always a reason. It`s hard to think of a situation where this phrase can be used in a manipulative way tbh, unless you really hurt the person first and now she is taking advantage of it. But the thing is, you must have hurt her in someway or form first.

[@codebeard]

SuperAvocado, I take it you have never met anyone with borderline personality disorder, or anyone otherwise very emotionally manipulative. Consider yourself lucky. Basically, in every situation where *they* have done something hurtful or violated some trust, any attempt to raise that issue will be met with "I feel hurt" (that you raised that issue). It immediately shuts down any conversation about the original concern.

[@viciousandchaotic]

just because someone admits to feeling hurt though, doesn't mean they get to have their way. you can respond with something like "I'm sorry this hurt you, that wasn't my intention. however I think I am justified in my actions, we can further discuss a compromise if you wish, or perhaps our needs just aren't compatible at this time."

[@ellesrevisionsession]

I have a friend with Borderline. I'd just like to point out that they're not all manipulative. The consistent fact between sufferers is that they feel things in extreme. So if they like you they really like you. If they're hurt they are horrendously hurt. It's a bit like Bipolar, except it can be on an hour-to-hour basis rather than blocks of weeks at a time.

[@ConfuzzledTomato]

the timing couldn't be better

[@bethrutherford95]

This channel makes me feel so sane

[@BingeWatchers]

Love these videos. Effective arguing and communication are crucial for a healthy relationship. Also anything said in his voice is true.

[@yondertf2]

There will always be conflicts, it's unavoidable. I find that entering these conflicts with the mindset of wanting to "show them who's boss" or "winning the argument" is almost always bad. It doesn't solve anything. Trying to solve the issue together, with mutual respect for one another and by listening to the other person as much as they are willing to listen to you, and talking it out together until you either reach a common understanding or decide on a compromise is so much better.

[@ECPlex]

I can't tell you how much this channel has help me in the last year. Thank you I'm sure you don't hear that enough

[@PennyJackson123]

A list of Ground Rules: 1. We don’t insult each other. 2. We don’t walk away in the middle of a discussion without stating our intention to return and resume talking. 3. We don’t shout. 4. We remind each other that we love and care about each other even though we are angry. 5. We don’t dismiss each other’s feelings. 6. We don’t threaten to leave each other. 7. A conversation isn’t over until both people feel understood and better. But it is OK to take a break as long as we return at a later time or day to resolve the conflict. I am going to present this list tonight. We had a fallout nearly one month ago and every time we tried to resolve it, we ended up fighting further. So tonight is hopefully a time for us to find back to our common ground again. Arguing is so hard, especially if it is built up resentment and ongoing disappointments that has been addressed many times, but never actually been resolved. Or in this case a major breach in trust and a broken promise. Trust is so hard to restore when it has been broken, but it definitely is possible. I am hopeful!

[@tylerlowe4654]

I completely agree with this method of arguing. It's difficult but I have always found that expressing how that person has made me feel with their actions and what my initial goal was before the argument has always simmered down any type of anger from the other person

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

When I felt moved to hurt my partner in the way described here in the past, I made note of the feeling and asked myself "What's my goal in relationship?" I doubt most of us would answer that with? To harm the person I love. My answer has been "To understand and be more understanding and grow in closeness." From there, I'd try to figure out how to talk with my partner. They then respond how they're going to respond.

[@mephistophelesthesilentchi3446]

Great video. Arguments are indeed far more complex than just being right or wrong. If done effectively, arguing will reveal the greater truths of one's life.

[@orbit7082]

Let the arguments begin!.

[@emalyn20]

I've become addicted to School of Life that I get disappointed if they don't have a new video for the day. I only go online before sleeping or after coming home from work and their videos comforts me for a day full of frustrations.

[@albalsam2523]

I'm amazed of your ability to summarise in few minutes some of the critical life "HOWs and WHATs"!!!

[@aname4931]

This is a cracking video. I've made sure to watch it 3 or 4 times over the last few months. Thank you for making it!

[@kavics98]

i'm beginning to love this channel more and more with every new video.

[@livelifestrong365]

I've been waiting for this type of video for such a long long time. School of Life, thank you for your existence.

[@bogdanvoicorek3042]

Great! Now all I need is a time machine and a way to get rid of my younger self

[@rainsara2795]

This channel has guided me to grow a lot as a person, thank you!

[@Clemeaux_]

By far the most helpful KZbin channel in existence.

[@kumardebbanerjee8287]

Well , some people think that arguing is always bad . This is not true . If you don't learn to argue properly , then when a real problem comes along , you won't be prepared to face it together. Think of the smaller arguments as training sessions. One must learn how to argue cleanly and fairly. This will help in one's relationship become stronger and last longer. Thanks for your informative video. Your resource persons explains the topics very nicely . 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@azioprism3635]

*that's why you need power - Frank Underwood 2020*

[@Candeekissez]

This really had the ring of truth. TY

[@glass4breakfast]

so amazing n beautiful! I am glad this is out there for people. I tried so hard in past relationships n have been through many fights n I eventually learned this on my own n it makes me happy to see other people learning it too, especially since when I tried to help my ex come to the same understanding she wouldn't listen, I'm sure she isn't the only one do hopefully those people if they didn't listen to the people that loved them but hurt or angered them, will finally listen to this channel! lol also I love that part about a wiser better society teaching people how to argue n studying them. GodDamn I really wish our governments weren't so controlling n bent on dumbing us down so they can further dominate n exploit us.

[@Hookat88]

I just had a big fight with my gf last night and we both felt like crap, this morning this video pops up in my starting page and I think we can both learn a lot from this.

[@Chandra5]

Great info! This works with anyone you have a relationship with. Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Friend.....ect.

[@punkseth1]

These is a good method and I agree. Reading comments and reflecting: It fails when two things happen: 1. The person making the confession of hurt and fear is doing this to emotionally manipulate the other like in an ordinary disagreement in order to be the "victim" or something like that. Or 2. If the other person just doesn't care or is able to care that the person is hurt (which is a much deeper problem and you should reevaluate some things) Or If the person suspects the confessor to be doing it out of manipulative intention (which may or may not be true)

[@bookfan1239]

I don't think I've ever been so early though. *proud face*

[@jupiter7795]

This should be tought in schools.

[@vvvbingsu]

just in time my partner and I are arguing. this videos are timely

[@Fendora]

a follow up video to this would be how to learn conflict resolution. A lot of times arguments end because it is late, they have to leave for work or go their separate ways for one reason or another and the main problem remains. People need to know that the arguing was not the problem. Something was brought up that needs "fixing" or else it would not have been brought up. There needs to be closure to an issue other wise people just stop talking about it for the day, and there is silent treatments, resentment, and the parties involved end up wondering that this will happen the next time something similar happens and it is never going to change.

[@MxTHRTN]

I have experienced that just telling the parter to feel hurt by what they said or did sometimes makes them feel accused or offended.

[@schaughtful]

Request! Please provide a followup video about how to argue with peers & colleagues. Admitting you are hurt might portray weakness or unprofessionalism depending upon the subculture.

[@cardijey6918]

Hey School of Life, I'm a really huge gamer and I regulary watch your videos. Tonight i dreamed of a fighting situation with my girlfriend and the whole situation seemed kind of like a dialoge in a video game, with multiple choices etc. Now many of these choices were highly inspired by the way your channel taught me to handle such situations and this kind of gave me the Idea, how about you partner with some company (or even do it yourself), to create some sort of video game, where you have a similar situation and have to deescalate it. I think that'd be a pretty nice idea. Or maybe I'm just tired, just woke up😂

[@CulpinKing]

Keep doing what you're doing.

[@cheydinal5401]

I'm 17 and honestly I can't see how one would not deal with hurt in a relationship in any other way than this. I know people do fight over silly things as a way to cope with their hurt feelings in relationships, but I think that's a very immature and narcicistic behavior, and one should know better

[@n.fer.2596]

Cheydinal hello fellow 17 y/o. I'm just gonna give you an insight into why people may act irrationally. Ok, so I have trouble telling people how I feel. This is due to a history of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. When I would speak up about the abuse to people, it was denied. Whenever I would tell the abusers that what they did was hurting me, they would lash out. And if I was talking to a more maniacal strategic manipulator, they would teach me to fear the confrontation and that they were king and always right and I was a crazy immature bitch who didn't know shit. But they would say it subtlety in a way that actually made me trust them and give even more of myself away to them. So fear it I do. Even now, when I deal with much less abuse and have found a few people who actually treasure me and care about me, I am absolutely terrified to be honest and upfront. It fucks up relationships. It's a scary world for me because Only at the age of 17 am I finally having a teeny tiny bit of stability in my life and meeting people that aren't out to get me. There's just this thing inside me that won't let me tell people how I feel. Im starting to do it in baby steps, but it's a slow process. It's not something you just overcome all at once. In fact it will likely take me years. When I struggle to tell people how I feel, it's not me trying to wreak havoc. It's me desperately trying to get a grasp on the situation and cope with my inner demons, which 100% amplify the intensity of any situation. When a true friend of mine does something that hurts me (and let's be honest, the people you love fuck up too sometimes. It doesn't make them bad people!), my brain tells me "They were out to get you all along. Keep your guard up and never trust anyone ever again. You stupid immature bitch. They were right about you. You know nothing about this world. You're weak." And all the while I feel lonely because my mind tells me to cut out good people and it's a battle fighting against that. They say follow your intuition, but what if your intuition is so faulty that you're afraid to act on anything? And obviously the friend who hurt me can't read my mind, so they will go about their day not knowing they hurt me. And I never tell them the truth because I'm scared of them responding to it irrationally and them turning out to be a bad person because I only just met people who care about me and honestly I can't take losing anyone else. It's chaotic. So I'm not one to yell, but I suppose that having a background like mine could also likely make someone very confrontational and charged with anger when it comes to disagreement. That's why it's important to look deeper. :) But hey, maybe they're just a dickwad. That is always plausible. There's no shortage of entitled shits in this world!

[@cheydinal5401]

N. Fer. Ⓥ Well that sucks :/

[@louderthangod]

Saying "I'm so hurt/scared that I'm with someone that would do this to me" is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than saying "fuckwit". If someone says they're hurt just thinking about being with me or even worse frightened by me that is so soul crushing to hear and it also sounds like something a person only says when they're about to end the relationship.

[@GarimaGoyalgg]

In a previous fight resolution, if you mention that you were hurt and it was not addressed properly. This creates resistance in coming fights to open up. Now that you know your partner knows you are hurt, it hurts even more.

[@rosechristinatopno9691]

This is beautiful. I was wondering how can things work between young adults (as children) and their parents. How can arguments work in such complex relationship where probably years of dust, doubts and mistrust might have settled in since childhood?

[@TBigDonut]

Thanks, thank you for this video, and even thoug I'm late here, it doesn't matter. I had a fight, a big fight with my girlfriend, and tomorrow we were going to settle it, I'm afraid and worried since I'm certain that this is the woman I love, and I love her better and kinder than my own parents, yet it may be too late, this video gave me another approach, truly, thank you.

[@getchasered]

How to start an internet argument: 1. Comment 2. Wait

[@jonasgrube4073]

Does declaring one’s emotions really work out with so many people? In the best case, saying “I feel hurt“ turns a fight into a calmer argument, so you stop needlessly blaming each other. Some people might even take it as an offence, I guess. They might feel that you turn it around, and instead of admitting a criticable behavior you accuse them of being “hurtful“. By default, it seems. No matter the content (!)

[@worldsofwood8809]

Wow this is exactly what I do with my partner and how I treat being hurt.

[@____-ze3hj]

I'm so glad I subscribed to this channel

[@empathylessons2267]

My first mistake, was thinking this was only relevant to a relationship partner.

[@Rezulino]

I just bought your book. I am such a big fan! You are doing fantastic!

[@royab5770]

Dignified and honest. #lifegoals

[@miriamakhalwaya9461]

" I didn't like the way you screamed at me" All you wanna do is cause fights...

[@smolson8471]

I agree with the logic but not the conclusion. If the opposing person is angry and you say that you "feel hurt that someone I trust would treat me this way" the opposing person will feel as if you're accusing them of not being a good person. This will most likely cause further anger on their part.

[@klaviergavin5401]

Maybe adding, 'I'm sorry if I've hurt you too, even if you trusted me not to, I can't promise that I can't hurt you, but I will be a better person and listen to you more' might help. It kind of cancels out the ego-damaging 'I've trusted you not to hurt me, but you still did.' Also, I hope that after that anger, they'll reevaluate their life choices and emotions. I don't know what made you think that fully believing a pseudoschool clip from KZbin is a good idea, though.

[@VictorianRabbit3456]

Rhetoric, sociology, psychology, and general critical thinking. All things we need in school to be better and smarter humans but never receive.

[@mario6148]

School of life, can you please do a video on why it's so hard to own up to our flaws (and perhaps what we've done wrong)? It can torture me for days until I finally own up to myself and let myself acknowledge the things that I've done wrong. It feels so contradictory for our mind to trick itself, even when it causes us more immediate pain than just being honest with ourselves. Unless, only when the pain of lying to yourself becomes greater than the honest truth, does our mind feel the drive to push itself out of that self-decieving loop, called being honest with yourself. You know?

[@bottemlessfries]

watch as she replied with "I put so much effort into loving you why do you feel like that when I put in ALL the effort" or "I need a real man to take care of me, not the other way around".

[@markwell4720]

If we all had this presenter’s tone of voice there’d probably be fewer arguments although some might find it slightly patronising: a shame because his content is so wonderful.

[@rea8585]

An other great piece of advice comes from How I Met Your Mother when Marshall says about a fight he had with Lily : "You can either win the fight or be happy". Everybody should remember this very sentence and cancel the fight as soon as possible. Nobody wants to fight but it happens that we react bad because we are hurt. The key is to be conscious of it and stop before things get really mad.

[@Hutster1229]

saving my sanity, you are

[@shisea]

Here for my couples therapy session. Thanks school of life

[@Rosangela161]

Secret: Not argued

[@mehazc]

Commenters, some people’s argumentative styles are just not worth it. If you find yourself feeling anxious around them, or if they never apologize or seem sorry for anything, or if they consistently break boundaries, get the fuck out. Don’t let yourself get brainwashed into thinking it’s okay or normal for someone to act like that to you. You are worthy of being treated well and of love and of being vulnerable without fear.

[@badmonsanyu7307]

"Fuckwit" is one of the most Australian swear phrase ever. I fucking love it

[@JOEYDEEZ369]

When in a relationship it’s healthy to argue sometimes but it’s wise to only argue with logic not with emotion as then things get crazy hazy & unpleasant then that relationship is on its way out for sure me thinks !

[@dailyrandomsmiles380]

I-message according to Wikipedia 1. I feel... (Insert feeling word) 2. when... (tell what caused the feeling). 3. I would like... (tell what you want to happen instead) Hope this helps :)

[@User-to7nb]

The animation are perfection

[@plasmadlite8661]

i needed this.

[@juancruzlives]

we don't want to admit that we are, when angry with our partner, deeply sad, instead of angry

[@albatross7327]

If one party is practicing these methods yet the other's goal is not mutual or nearly mutual, then even the most thoughtful of methods could be responded to with a "counter"- attack; I quotation "counter" because even though the thoughtful party never attacked, the combative and/or insistently noncompliant partner nevertheless responded with an attack. Maybe because they're so absorbed in the fight that they misinterpreted your attempts to reconnect as further aggravation, or maybe they know your intent but simply do not want to cooperate. Either way, that person is Just Not Ready and it's best not to engage until (if ever) they are. THAT can save a lot of time (and pain) too. And it leaves potential & space for them to try later on.

[@LNRDO19]

This channel has taught and helped me a lot 😊 thank you.

[@NatiDeNut]

Very insightful. Thank you for this video.

[@Jesuspaid4oursins]

Omg the animation is so funny. They way the blue box pushed back.