How to AVOID Dating Time Wasters

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Have you ever felt like a magnet for avoidants or wondered if commitment-phobic people are all that’s left in the dating pool?
It’s as if you can’t even get anything off the ground, because consistent communication is never in the cards with the people you’re dating. And when you’re dating someone where everything’s falling into place EXCEPT for the fact that they’re avoidant, it can be tempting to rationalize any reason to stay.
But why do we do this, and why does this situation make us want to hold on so tightly to a person who’s not giving us what we need?
Today’s new video will help you reconnect with your value so you can approach these kinds of situations with a clear head and a sense of worthiness. After all, the faster you say “no” to the wrong person, the sooner you can say “yes” to the right one.
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▼ Get My Latest Dating Tips and Connect With Me… ▼
Blog → www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/
Facebook → / coachmatthewhussey
Instagram → / thematthewhussey
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 1:03 - What Is an Avoidant?
1:03 - 2:47 - "You're Too Good for Me"
2:47 - 4:49 - Avoiding Conversations About the Relationship
4:49 - 5:47 - A Strong Internal Compass
5:47 - 7:50 - If You Feel like an "Avoidant Magnet"
7:50 - 9:30 - Acknowledge How Far You've Come
9:30 - 11:25 - Scarcity and Misaligned Goals
11:25 - 12:12 - When You're Most Vulnerable
12:12 - 14:27 - It's Not About Luck
14:27 - 15:26 - The Numbers Are in Your Favor
15:26 - 17:07 - Finding the Right Person Sooner
17:07 - 17:59 - You Still Have Time

[@Irenepoltronieri]

There's also a lot of avoidant men who are single because of the fact that they are avoidant..so sometimes it's not that we "attract them", it's that statistically there are higher number of them. Especially if you are past 35.

[@pixie3458]

Absolutely….

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

My thoughts exactly. It's not always about you attracting them.

[@lightofall]

Yessss agreed! Many men want polyamory or situationships and are addicted

[@berrydoos]

Facts!

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

I agree. It's almost safe to assume they're avoidant until proven otherwise.

[@sabrinarene6909]

"you will find the right people sooner when you say no to the wrong people quicker" THANK YOU!!!!

[@jara2657]

If someone tells you that you're too good for them, believe them and keep it moving!

[@andreeaburian1408]

What if they ask you Am I good enough for you??

[@jackdeniston59]

..means, You are too self absorbed to handle me telling you the truth about how selfish you are.

[@hetastic_bro]

I learnt this the hard way, but at least I know to believe them when they say that to me next time

[@yc5141]

😂😂😂 exactly!!!!

[@kaylareeds]

@@andreeaburian1408say yes

[@onnol917]

"your too good for me" is a subcounscious powerplay. It will trigger your empathy and make you want to show THEM they are good enough while it completely absolves all their responsibility because 'they warned you'. Major red flag if someone is not working on themselves

[@teloildi9243]

Really wise observation, thanks for sharing it, helps me a lot today!

[@causticmain5002]

But what if someone believes it

[@onnol917]

@@causticmain5002 thats why its subcounscious

[@lunalovesargos]

P

[@nadja5154]

100 %

[@oneliamartin7488]

"An inconsistent action is a consistent answer". Matthew thank you for reminding all of us of our worth. Our time and energy are our most precious resources. Never settle. Getting confident and secure while remaining open when we've been hurt is a challenge. But it's worth it. 8 billion people on the planet, I like to remember that every day. Love is everywhere when we dare to BE love instead of looking for love in the wrong places.

[@KarebelleMissKarebear]

I really like that you point out that love is everywhere! We don't need to attach to anything that makes us feel anxious or wavering, with out being fully excited to go in a direction with someone.

[@amala4963]

Well said

[@ShadowbannedAccount]

This is funny lmao. First of all, it's ignorant to use 8 billion numbers, because you are not going to meet all 8 billion. Assuming that you are an American, I'll help you with the calculations. 400 million. Half of them are undateable, because they're women. 200 million. Three fourths of them are undateable, because they are either underaged or already taken. 50 million. Only 6 out of 1000 men want to get married. 300 thousand. Half of them are 20 year olds, which are out of the age brackets of 30+ women like you. 150 thousand. Only 12% of men are over 6ft. 18000. Only 10 of men 30

[@lara.khatchikian]

@@ShadowbannedAccount 😂😂💯

[@oneliamartin7488]

@@ShadowbannedAccount I think you misunderstood what I was explaining. First I am French, so sorry if my words are not clear enough for you. I never say that men shouldn’t have expectations or demands. It’s from both sides. But for that to happen you have to know exactly what you want and don’t want and communicate that effectively. When I am talking about love, I am talking about a universal energy that exists in us and all around us. When you love someone, you only feel what already exists within you. When you think that love is outside of you, you chase it. When you are love in your actions and you live your life accordingly to that value, you will then match that frequency. I am not only talking about romantic love between men or women. Nature, art, friendship, connexion to spirit, community, service. This is also Love. It’s not a number and it will never be. It’s an energy, a state of being. You have to be brave enough to receive it.

[@dianesalisbury2]

I've been going through this since my divorce. The last 3 men I've dated turned out to be incredibly emotionally unavailable, but wanted to date because they wanted connection with someone anyway. Yup, big waste of time, and the last one really really hurt. But I don't regret meeting and dating these people. I feel a little bad for them sometimes. Their miserable inside but keep repeating this cycle of dating cause their lonely but it goes south when we wants something more, it blows up in their face, they pull away, we get upset and then they use that experience to reinforce why they don't want a relationship. I know what I want, and I AM going to find someone on the same page as me... but darn, it's so hard. Especially when we are attracted and see something amazing in that guy. I think I stayed too long because I keep thinking that once they get to know me, they'll see how amazing I am and put down their walls... nope, it doesn't work. I just end up getting hurt. Lessons learned

[@lunar686]

We would rather be right than happy. It totally sux how much this cognitive bias takes over our lives. The first part of your post shows how much effort your putting into changing your own narrative. Some unsolicited advice that may help (and super sorry if I’m overstepping), but try change ‘it’s so hard’ to ‘it’s easy for me, I’ve done it multiple times, even after a divorce’; ‘see something amazing in that guy’ to ‘I have an incredible ability to see amazing qualities in everyone I meet’ and; ‘I just end up getting hurt’ to ‘you would be surprised just how resilient and strong I am’. I’ve had so many friends go through sever ups and downs in dating after a divorce but the one thing that seemed to help all of them was to re-read their journal entries and pick apart the little phrasing I pointed about above. They didn’t recover because their narrative changed, they recovered because they changed the narrative. I do apologise if I overstepped, but thought it may be somewhat helpful in what is a really fkd up time for most people

[@Aria__1700]

It's also a red flag if this apathetic person only is into your looks. Physical attraction is not love, even if they claimed it. They also wouldn't point out a flaw they want out of you to be better for their benefit cuz they need "more" from you. If all this emotionally unavailable person NEVER compliments you in a genuine way, and use a insult instead, or pull away for almost no reason at all every time, or leads you on and runs away (literally) the first moment you get close again, it's not worth it. He could also be using you as an option cuz that void is never fulfilled. He's probably going out to find other girls that are like you who have similarities as him. What's even a more of a red flag is when he wants to be your bf the first two weeks you knew him and if you reject him, he ghosts you. My ex asked me out the moment I told him I recently went through a breakup. When I politely said no, he didn't talk to me for days, till I confronted him. He said "I was so hurt. Idk if things will go well already, and I'm so lonely ever since my mother died when I was a baby. I need someone to make me happy. Do you want to date me now?" It was sympathy I felt cuz I felt bad so I dated him out of guilt. Don't fall for that simply emotional dump. Dating them out of sympathy is not a real relationship. Date him when you feel it is right

[@leanng.6110]

I think this is a difficult pattern to break. Why do I repeat this is the interesting question-Bc if I repeat it i'm getting something from my behavior and repetitive choices.

[@casperinsight3524]

Gr8 comment ~ totally resonates, I've recently learnt there's a distinct difference between companionship and relationship. Perspective is a funny thing, and learning to differentiate between what someone says and what they really mean is eye opening. Trusting my instincts has been invaluable in saving time and heartache from getting involved with the wrong person time and time again. Learning to let them go initially ~ before getting attached, letting go at the onset despite potential or attraction isn't ez but it's worth it. Getting involved or rationalizing that you are strong enough to break away is what gets me into trouble, when ignoring the flags it boomerangs every time. Timing and awareness helps me navigate and steer away from trouble, to avoid getting hung up or landlocked on the wrong person, lol.

[@casperinsight3524]

@@Aria__1700 Hmmm....my narc radar says possible vulnerable covert warning 🚩 Avoid avoid avoid

[@jessicaribeiro8928]

Some people are emotionally unavailable and don't love you but crave a connection - they will use you and make you feel unwanted. I don't care if you are an avoidant or have a trauma. If you aren't honest you are a selfish person ( Im talking about people that date you but aren't honest with their intentions)

[@jsad191]

100%

[@lightofall]

Thiiiis

[@Ljounieh]

YES! PREACH!

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Yes, they want a momentary connection without the responsibilities.

[@guesswho5790]

You didn't get lucky that someone wanted you. You are someone people will want. That last part got me. Thank you Matthew!

[@bistravoda3687]

Matthew, one more reason to your list - we think that if we could be ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH for this person, they would change, commit etc. We think that their behaviour is not about them but about our (missing) value.

[@rainbow9987]

Yeah like I feel , if I was pretty enough I can make them commit.

[@lunar686]

💯😊!!!

[@missb1097]

🙌🙌

[@hussanpari3834]

So true.I feel so unattractive since my avoidant ex left 6 months ago.I had low self esteem anyway before I met him so when the relationship ended, this just added to my feelings of lack of self worth.Makes me think that he will change for someone he finds more attractive than me.

[@mariahspapaya]

This was me with my ex who I had a feeling from the beginning had major commitment issues, since he was in a relationship for 10 years and got divorced after 4 months. We have this weird idea in our minds that we can/have to “prove”to people that we are lovable from our childhoods when that is simply not the case. It’s NEVER you, it’s THEM and their bullshit

[@sy34434]

This felt like a therapy session, thanks, Matthew. Godspeed to everyone looking for healthy love and relationship.

[@kathleenjohnson2166]

Agreed with your thought 👏

[@linfrommdl]

Thank you. Same for you!

[@knighttaylor4272]

Literally

[@aryatuhaangella1123]

How are you my dear

[@markusk2289]

My problem: It is so rare that I feel a spark for someone that when I do I value that very highly - for me such a person cannot be easily replaced no matter how many people might be interested in me.

[@universo257]

Same

[@yulias9991]

I used to do that. ESpecially that I live in a country with an opposite culture and education to mine.. but no more and I am more relax! So happy now!

[@JJ-vp3bd]

What do you do now

[@MsNaturralBeauty]

I am the exact same way it’s rare that I feel that spark

[@monicalachance9682]

Same thing here

[@MyForeverPerson]

I’ve been going thru this since 23 years old. I’m 39 now. Never married never engaged. 3 long relationships with men that used me as a placeholder. The rest, men who hang around and never commit

[@cinerina]

Another reason we stay is compassion for whatever struggle and pain is blocking them-we’re more compassionate toward their needs than our own because we’ve been conditioned to think our need is too much, is embarrassing, is a turn-off. It’s the steepest hill to climb.

[@meeow7970]

I just saved a lot of therapy in 19 minutes. going through this right now and boy did you open my eyes. I see the horizon now, thank you Mathew!

[@radiodlowam]

This video is great, but all those attachment styles come from different traumas and its always the best idea to confront them with the therapst ;) Avoidant loves to match with anxious type, its not a coincidence. Even if you will change your standards, you'll be more rational those who are avoidant will be still those who are attractive the most. Its about finding out why we sabotage our way to feel safe and happy in a relationship. Is it beacuse we dont know what to do when everything goes well? When we dont have to worry? When our mind is not occupied all the time with thoughts? Or is it because this is how marriage of our parents used to work and we feel safe when its similar. Whatever it is, its just too complex to solve it just like that.

[@annastone5624]

Agree that working through this in therapy is really beneficial

[@terris7842]

Just starting to claw my way out of the grief, shock and pain of being dumped by an emotionally unavailable man. I didn’t see it coming. We were so good together, he was doing all the right things -until he reached that panic point and he bailed out “it’s me not you, you are amazing, we can still be friends”. Wonderful one week, distant and then gone the next. I deserve better. It still hurts, but I’m grieving someone who didn’t really exist. This is one of your best videos, Matt. Thank you.

[@roseannlargana95]

Hi lam in the same situation you were in, my person of 2 years met online he's been in and out got worse the last month no calls no text, then he did call finally one morning said he loves me wanted to hear my voice, misses me, l was happy!! Had no text or calls since then, but he said Haopy Easter babe, again nothing! I am hurt and have mixed feelings l really care for him 😢😢

[@terris7842]

@@roseannlargana95 I’m so sorry you are going through this too. I just don’t understand how these men can think it’s okay to behave like this. I told the guy doing this to me that the least he owed me was an adult in person conversation, not just a text. Told him communication would at least put this in perspective, but it would require some effort on his part to rebuild trust. If he can’t do that, I wish him well, but I’m out. No response. I guess that says it all. Now I just feel numb. Still in shock I think, but trying to focus on me now,not him. He doesn’t deserve my attention, much less my respect. It’s all gone. I wish you well in your climb out the other side. One day (soon I hope) we will be stronger for it.

[@Cali12-21]

I keep wanting for the day of meeting someone that I am attracted to AND is emotionally available. 😂

[@Ljounieh]

What a legend right

[@jadehalliday6636]

"You will find them if you say no to the wrong person more quickly" ~ 💯✨

[@jeantay91]

It is saddening yet strangely comforting at the same time that so many of us are facing the same kind of heartbreak situation. Thanks Matt for this video, it reinforced that I made the right choice to leave despite shedding many tears over an avoidant guy. But everything happens for a reason, because of this I discovered that I had some self worth inner work to do! So I'm kinda grateful for the learning experience too though I wished it hadn't been so hurtful haha

[@calebkeegan3023]

I know it's rough happening to me too

[@tsuyu1181]

Same, now I'm making more effort to care for myself, although the trauma from the previous relationship can be real scary because it's harder to trust people and my heart is still healing. Hope we all heal and enjoy our moments with ourselves ❤️

[@lisasunshine7654]

Listening to this with tears. So many are experiencing this. And we keep wondering if we are the issue… The classic mantra of the avoidant: you’re too good for me, I don’t want to make you cry, I don’t want to hurt you. I think we are getting swifter at spotting them! I kept reminding myself that the magic is in ME!

[@Ashtarot77]

A guy once told me, when I asked him why he doesn't talk much, that he's boring. Fact is, he's not. That was just his way of telling me not interested in you. But I got the message loud and clear. I haven't spoken to him since. This was about a month ago.

[@meganmahle7565]

Thank you for this video 🙏🏼 I recently ended things with a guy who was exactly this way. He broke up with me but then reached out months later saying he missed me and was available to talk if I wanted to. Not that he wanted to be in a relationship, but that he wanted to know how I was doing. Your videos helped so much because I knew exactly how to respond. I fuckin Matthew Hussey’d that dude 😂 and although I still feel sad for losing him, I have *so* much more respect for myself and feel so much more confident. I used to ruminate over what I said to him and how “I should have said this or that” but after replying to him and being clear with my standards, I don’t regret a word. If anyone is scared of doing this, let me encourage you - it is hard and it is scary so don’t invalidate your feelings there. But take a chance and be willing to completely let it go. Honor your feelings, they will still be there and you can handle them. What we’re scared of is how sad and lonely we will feel losing that person - but once we’re willing to face that, we can see that it’s not as much about keeping this relationship, but more about really sitting with and caring for our own feelings. When we do that for ourselves, others will reflect that and we will find someone who values how we feel as much as we do and will not break our heart ❤️ stay strong everyone!!

[@adaofcharles1217]

😂😂😂 I like that you fucking Mathew hussey'd him.

[@orcamexiwie]

What a wise comment. Thank you for your words, I really needed them. 🙏🏻💖

[@tamstagram_6]

What did you say to him.

[@kumaruma643]

This whole video was super relatable! I have an ex who is emotionally unavailable. They literally told me the “you’re too good for me” days before we broke up. I was so confused because why would they want to let go of something good? And now, it all makes sense after months of being confused and resentful. I was so upset when it happened, but I felt like I couldn’t be upset at them. I “had to be understanding” and let them go. Ironically though, they came back a week later telling me how much they love and want me back. I was so surprised, but I coldly rejected. They actually didn’t even want to restart the relationship yet, they wanted to “try to work things out slowly” which would leave me with the short end of the stick. I was not going to waste my time on someone who just didn’t know themselves and just wanted to get back together because they can’t stand being alone and lonely. Thanks Matthew for this video. I finally received clarity.

[@carly8056]

“Many MANY people will find you attractive and compelling! Thousands!” MATTHEW WHERE ARE THEY? WHEN DOES THE ‘HAREM OF THOUSANDS’ APPEAR? 😂😂🤷‍♀️ SEND THEM TO MONTREAL, PLS THX

[@adaofcharles1217]

😂😂😂

[@dianalereve5402]

😂

[@nickus51]

This is almost word by word my exact situation and how I was feeling for quite a while about the dating scene. It is hurtful having to deal with avoidant after avoidant.

[@KatieDMellott]

This spoke directly to me: I’m 42 and I struggle with those feelings all the time. Thank you for addressing it in such a positive way.

[@soaari42]

You're not alone. Its so hard to think positively when you experience heartbreak and think there's something wrong with you. I've just been broken up with after he told me he loved me a week prior. So confused by it but watching Matthew's videos help...a lot. We are attractive to a lot of people, its just a matter of finding them!

[@sagstar]

@@soaari42 I can relate. Guy apologized for ghosting me and ended up ghosting me again after telling me he missed me and liked me a few days before. It's so reckless.

[@SunshineAnia]

Same here! You are not alone ;)

[@deethralane3481]

Wow it's not easy thing to deal with

[@mayukamumpangwe8203]

Everything you said in the later part of the video had a big impact on me especially when you mentioned saying no to the wrong people and time wasters opens up your world and expands🤧. Magical stuff right there 🔥

[@voice_of_a_little_lady]

If I added up all the time I allowed myself to have wasted, I'd have a whole other lifetime.

[@jemmawhitehouse1043]

Same here x

[@SDsc0rch]

you've wasted the best years of your life you'll never get them back never as in... NEVER!! wow I can't imagine what that feeling must be like....

[@SDsc0rch]

have you ever put a post-it note on something? then took it off and put it on something else? notice that? how its not as sticky anymore? now try it seven more times not sticky at all anymore that's women with sex the more partners they have - the less "sticky" they are the less able to pair-bond they are beware - others who are reading this its real

[@voice_of_a_little_lady]

@@SDsc0rch Lol go post in the comments on an Andrew Tate video or something. We're all good here with your empty rhetoric.

[@deethralane3481]

​@SDsc0rch that is deep 😊

[@squidwardtentacles4234]

The “it’s not about luck” part was actually so eye opening for me. If these people like me/are attracted to me for all these reasons then other people will also see the same things and feel the same way about me. So, I don’t need to hold on to people who aren’t right for me out of fear I wouldn’t find other people.

[@dominiquestevens7956]

This video and discussion could not be more spot on. Thank you Matthew for putting this topic in such insightful perspective. As a recently divorced woman, I have had 2 relationships with incredible substantial men who were "not ready for a relationship" after they chased and "got" me. With both, once they started to get cold feet, I dropped them (in a kind and adult way) and moved on ... we have to advocate for ourselves, and see these fellows for what they are: men who want to enjoy a variety of short term relationships. And guess what? That's OK! Both men were divorced with grown children and they wanted their freedom. I'm just glad that I didn't waste a lot of time hoping I could turn them around to wanting me the way I want to be wanted. Anyway, we women need to be stronger and pull the plug on these dead end relationships. Enough said! Thank you again!!!! Worth 100 hours of therapy! :)

[@monserratmeza715]

Dang you got me there. The scarcity mindset. Definitely afraid of running out of time and the "lack" of good people out there. Gotta be patient and work on me.

[@achillessonofsparta6824]

Another line they will use other than “your to good for me” is “you deserve better”.

[@deliapasqualini970]

I started crying after hearing your words. It's so true. Thank you. I feel relieved.

[@peggymcgeary143]

Brilliant. Men worthy of us are out there. Don't sell yourselves short with time wasters

[@privatename40]

Saying yes to people who are comfortable wasting my time…This is so simple yet profound!

[@juliagrant3339]

Oh my gosh, I love it! Thank you. My mom who's old fashioned keeps frowning every time I date someone and break it off if I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. This is what I used to tell her, I don't want to waste time on someone who's not pouring on me the same effort I'm pouring on him. it stings for a while, but Matt is right, there's tons out there. I will find him and he will find me eventually.

[@susanparker9877]

Yes, it's worth waiting for.

[@casperinsight3524]

Misaligned goals is bang on 💥 I entered relationship, willingly yet cautiously allowed myself to descend and realized that what I thought I wanted, changed. That what I initially wanted at the onset changed once involved. My needs changed it wasn't them. NEEDS ~ meeting them yourself or allowing others to help meet them, I'm learning if they don't meet your needs consistently, then its up to you to find someone else who does, who wants to willingly and lovingly support you. If they are consistently self prioritizing and leave you out to fend for yourself without thought or consideration, then they don't care about you or your needs.

[@buttermuffin1196]

This was the most practical useful video I think Matthew has done in awhile. The scarcity mindset and the fear of time are huge, I think, for many women. We'll make it work because there is something there and we waste time and then break our own hearts. Want to dedicate Clarity by Bre Kennedy for all women out there still searching for someone. Let's just date and love and be vulnerable and keep trying and leave behind anyone who isn't fully in, you deserve it.

[@naddyn685]

Very well said 👏😀

[@litedawg]

This was the best video you’ve ever done. The last part was amazing. I’m 54 and I feel like my prime time is running out. But you’re right , I’m wasting my time with my bad decisions and the wrong people.

[@cbahm]

I keep sending your videos to women I know who are letting men waste their time. (And if I knew men in the same situation, I’d send your videos to them too.) You have a way of explaining this issue in a fresh, accessible, and compelling way. Thank you!

[@XYZ5BOOKS]

Matthew Hussey you are an oracle. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear, G-d bless you. You keep on getting better and better at what you do 👏🏼

[@sademcfadden1374]

As someone with disorganized attachment that I have been working really hard to heal over the past few years, I appreciate this video. I’ve had abusive dynamics most of my life, which makes me this way, but I definitely encounter avoidant people who engage in this behavior. Most literature I’ve been seeing just look at disorganized attachment and say ‘peace, good luck with that!’ 😂 and that offers no tangible solutions lol. But the reality of disorganized attachment is that you have the anxious and avoidant features, which result in push pull patterns. After getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship I’ve been taking the space to heal that, but I absolutely can sympathize with people who encounter hardcore avoidants. I was interested in a guy once and he appeared interested, made plans to hang out, and then the week of canceled and said we would talk once we saw each other again (we go to the same church) and then he proceeded to stop coming to church for months lol. Said we could reschedule and “we have the whole summer ” 🙄and I was like aiight bet lol I was so turned off by that. I don’t think I’m that extremely shut off, but even then I am taking the space to work on my stuff because I don’t want to date any more hardcore avoidants and I don’t want to be the avoidant in the relationships. And healing is possible! Shooting for my North Star 💫 😂😊

[@DanielleMarieW]

Hi Sade, wow, could not have put it better about the literature. I’m insecurely attached (and I suspect disorganized too) and I also noticed that about books I bought, the advice was ‘try to behave more like a Secure person would!’ Huh? I don’t know, that’s why I bought the book! We have to feel secure, can’t just play-act that. Which is why finding a counsellor really really helped.

[@sunbeam9222]

@AliSand I don't think I'm an avoidant but I got cold on this disorganised because he said really harsh words to me and I just couldn't send such words back. To me we're a team, even through disagreements and zi couldn't understand how I suddenly became enemy number 1. I went numb and cold because I wanted to talk calmly and they refused. Then they said they're done. We have not spoken in 4 months. I know They love me, as I love them, relationship was overall beautiful but I find it hard to handle a sudden switch and freeze cos I don't know what to do screaming is not my thing and it feels like it's going nowhere ;)

[@hajji1509]

@@DanielleMarieW I really like that - FEEL secure and not just magically BE a secure person. Big difference. We can understand things logically and intellectually but it means SFA if we don't really get it in our core. I've dated two avoidants in the past couple of years, and probably 'disorganized' too. İt can be so confusing and hurtful. I'm now in a very new relationship with someone who SEEMS very different, consistent and THERE. But it's early days and I'm monitoring myself. Hopefully not being too anxious in my energy. Wanting to feel relaxed. 🙏😉

[@sears381]

@AliSand it's actually the disorganized which is truly the worst type of attachment. My ex was a fearful avoidant aka disorganized and I'm anxious preoccupied. He loved the push and pull game. He missed me when he didn't see me but when I would write to him he would ignore me for weeks then come back like nothing. It was a pull and push game and the pull away happened after we had amazing times together. I said enough is enough and dumped him for good. He keeps crawling back still after years that I've dumped him. I know he truly loved me but in a total twisted way. No time for such people. Anyways according to psychology disorganized is the worst type of attachment and the one that had the most trauma in their life. Wish you the best.

[@Ishikaa12]

I really needed to hear this today... Thank you so much Matt, this helped me to make the decision to not entertain an emotionally unavailable person any longer, despite how much I like/love him. Time to say no to the wrong person and open to potential right ones. Sending lots of love to all of you going through this right now ❤️❤️❤️ We are worth it!!! :)

[@oregonsnob31]

Am i the only one who saves these vids and watches over and over to make sure i get all the messages? I’m ready To be successful in love! There is a lot to absorb here with Michael and I can’t waste any more time with the wrong relationships.

[@CA-de1kb]

You aren’t the only one! I have watched Matthew’s video on getting closure literally hundreds of time in the last eight months since I was ghosted by an avoidant who I’d thought (partly due to his words and actions) was my person. This is another great video.

[@oregonsnob31]

@@CA-de1kb lemme guess…. Was it right after you finally let him sleep with you? They are notorious for that

[@CA-de1kb]

@@oregonsnob31 No, we got involved sexually after several open discussions about likes/dislikes but never had sex (intercourse) per se. He moved things forward in every way…had me meet his whole family, planted a garden together, bought a Keurig because I like coffee and he doesn’t, got a Viagra script (we’re both 60), talked about the future, etc., then once I reciprocated sexually, he told me that part wasn’t as important to him as it was to me, it’s a commitment to him and what if I’m not the one, blah, blah, blah…I’ll call you. Which he never did, although he did text me four months later asking me not to hate him or think he’s a horrible person.. Made himself feel better, I guess. Classic avoidant…guess it should have been a red flag that he’d only had one other relationship (a 7 month one ) in the last 18 years. I knew nothing about attachment style theory until I happened into Matthew’s videos. I’ve read lots of books on it now and done a lot of healing of my own anxious attachment. Bullet dodged and a blessing in disguise, I suppose. I love all of Matthew’s stuff and return to it often. Sorry, didn’t intend to go on do long!

[@minervag6777]

Your videos are straight to the point, worded so precisely and carefully. You are the GOAT on this topic and put in so much effort for years!!! You’re a gift to us Matt 🫶🏼

[@semihasunshine3951]

I am an avoidant and I hate it. I want to solve it, but I keep circling around. Gaining more and more insight and knowledge and self awareness. But I feel so lost. I have ADHD and I feel like no one is going to love the real me. I have been rejected a lot (not just relationships, just in general). I have been taking advantage of. A lot of things. I can't go in too much details here. And I am aware that I have this wall unconsciously whenever I want to connect. Now I know and recognise it when it happens. But the fear is so strong, and the trust isn't there. With no one. Can you do a video of topics that help people like me? Because I really want to change. It's not just men who can be avoidant. I am a woman who is avoidant, and I don't want to hurt others or myself.

[@tracyocampo9753]

Thank you Matthew. Currently going through this. I've wasted a year and half and keep getting deeply hurt. Everything you said is spot on. Time to let go and move on.

[@ms.hooker2758]

Wow, well said! This spoke to me very clearly as I’ve recently broke up with my bf for the 3rd time in 4yrs! Every time I date/see new ppl I’m told how amazing I am. I can’t continue to allow any time wasters to take me off the market any longer!

[@skyfall1481]

Yep! Once you get back out mixing with new people, you soon realise they like you just the way you are. They are excited about you, it’s effortless. Compared to an ex who’s taking everything for granted.

[@lightofall]

Agreed

[@milahmarchese140]

The fact he just said everything that just happened to me in the last 98 hrs is CRAZY however true! Thanks

[@elisa9359]

So true, I am scared if I will feel ever again this attraction..for many years having not feeled this...but he only sees me as an option...many thanks ...there are thousands..😀.this encourages me to let go...I need to, he makes me so unhappy...Thank you ❤️

[@SDsc0rch]

advice... don't have sex with a man you're not married to he's just using you

[@SDsc0rch]

have you ever put a post-it note on something? then took it off and put it on something else? notice that? how its not as sticky anymore? now try it seven more times not sticky at all anymore that's women with sex the more partners they have - the less "sticky" they are the less able to pair-bond they are that's what you're feeling its real

[@carly8056]

I love these early Sunday morning video releases- the deliberate timing from you is so great. Just when we’re thinking about a shitty Sat night date, and ready to join a convent... here comes MH with his hero cape. That bit about even a 1% growth shifting you towards something better was incredibly powerful. It’s totally true. Thanks for that, this morning. ❤️🇨🇦🔥

[@tuca3434]

This video is validating and it feels good to watch it. I will save it and rewatch it everytime I feel like I'm not enough and no one else will like me.

[@laurarodriguez119]

Oh my God what an incredible episode. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. Thank you, you just put words to an entire lifetime of love confusion. I feel so seen and free right now. Thank you, Matthew!

[@tatianavgl1163]

So true! I should stop dating him, I'm losing my time and feding my hope for nothing. Thank you very much Matthew 💪💜

[@cognitivestriking]

It’s one of the hardest things to do.

[@paolazo-l4790]

The guy I was "dating" told me once he was not a landlord but a tenant, not a buyer but a renter... That made me understand he was doing the same with me, renting... I wasted a lot of emotional energy and a whole year with an avoidant

[@munirahlewin4694]

I really needed to see this video. It validated a decision that I made a few months back and have struggled with. I know that I am on the right path and a constantly healthier version of myself.

[@therelationshipacademy]

Great advice on how to avoid dating time wasters. It's important to set clear boundaries and not compromise on what you truly want in a partner. It can also be helpful to have open and honest communication early on in the dating process to ensure that both parties are on the same page. Additionally, it's important to trust your gut and listen to any red flags that may come up. By being mindful of these things, you can save yourself a lot of time and energy in the dating world. Keep up the great work!

[@joanlinski3291]

Thank you for this wonderful video, and your words of encouragement. The last guy I dated was a complete disaster and I figured out (too late) that he was an avoidant-personality. I was so CONFUSED by the way he would treat me while we were getting to know each other. Back and forth, back and forth with this guy. Here was the tough part for me, and I may write you about this. I know and have been working on issues from my child-hood (Complex Post Traumatic Stress). I am aware that I need to go slow when dating and not rush too soon, ( I really try) but when I like someone, I really like them a lot. I really liked him a lot-by the time it ended (it took a little over a year) I was so crushed and he really tried to make me feel like it was my fault (after he swore up and down that he "didn't want to hurt me.') Boy, did he hurt me, and later blamed me for getting upset. There is more to the story, but suffice it to say-you covered the highlights in this video and really cheered me up! Thank you Mathew Hussey for once again, brightening my day and reminding me, that even in my 60's there is still hope that I will find love and romance. xoxo

[@hajji1509]

Sounds like me. İf I'm into someone, there's no halfway, I'm all in. I realise I'm a hopeless romantic and idealize people. That has certainly led to a couple of heart-breaks in the past couple of years. As Matthew Hussey says, don't invest in how much you like them but how much they invest in you. So the challenge for me is to kind of hold back a lot of my intense feelings until I know he is in one hundred percent. Very hard, for me anyway. I want to be authentic but I do NOT want to be hurt again like I have been by avoidants. 😬😥

[@janaengle9629]

Matt, thank you! I loved the format of this video, the black and white bits that depict the reality of the matter, please do more of these, they are VERY insightful. And I also loved the perspective that 5 or 6 failed relationships with avoidants do not mean that is how all our relationships went or will go. Finally, I loved the insight at the end, that we are not lucky when we find someone who likes us, because we are loveable by many someones and therefore do not need to stay with anyone who cannot see long term with us. Good messages, Matt! I'm saving this to play every now and then to remind me of these truths. 💟

[@chania80]

This is powerful. Right on time too! We were not 'lucky', that part!! Lets stop operating out of a scarcity mindset and protect our hearts from unnecessary pain.

[@thejordyjoansofficial]

This video is super and so direct. I like the fact this isn’t gender specific either, attachment styles are a game changer in dating. My biggest piece of advice if you’re dating avoidants and struggling to understand why. Go to therapy and investigate your relationship with your parents. Most (like myself) I chat to had avoidant parents and unless you heal that wound, you’re never gonna start going after secure people. 🥂💅🏻❤️

[@anna0803]

You are hitting every nerve in my body with your words. Thank you for the wake-up call Matthew ❤️. It's exactly what i needed to hear.

[@baptistebeardwood]

This hit home. Going through this exact situation right now with a girl I've liked for a long time. We stopped talking for 2 years, and started again recently. And watching this video, I realised she ticks off all the boxes of an emotionally unavailable person. Even though we have chemistry and a good connexion in real life, the big picture is that she doesn't seem to either be able to communicate how she feels, or she just doesn't care about me. Feels awful. But gotta keep moving.

[@FreedomUninterrupted]

Matthew this is one of the best videos I've seen from you! This helps so much with gas lighters that don't even realize they're doing it. I've had guys do this with me and swear up-and-down that they weren't doing this. I think they just had no self awareness but that doesn't mean it's my job to be at there disposal. Get talk!💛

[@soniaciantar4786]

Matthew, you are spot on with the talk on avoidants. Thank you for helping me see that I am normal, I’ve just been dating people who don’t want to commit ( to me anyways) that I shouldn’t feel that there is something wrong with me. My patience is low and I feel if I let this person go, then there’s no-one out there for me. Thank you for opening my eyes x

[@yolandaliriano1186]

This is another essential video Matthew! I think so many of us do exactly what you have described but you have highlighted the psychology of why we tend to stick around with someone who is not wanting the same and not ready. Thank you for this much needed confidence booster!

[@Hontonoki]

I felt this so very deeply. This is amazing insight, information, delivery and support for those of us who have felt lost, lacking, unworthy or wrong for entire decades.

[@PreshyT]

You are so gentle and compassionate in your delivery Matthew.

[@evacastillo4510]

Thank you for reminding me to be compassionate, patience, loving, and being kind to myself.

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

Its so soothing and healing to listen to Matthews words. He is such a beautiful soul and a friend to all people! Love this deep work and psychological massage so many of us need to strengthen ourselves and move forward towards more love and truer love

[@TheJoaneD]

This speaks volumes to me. MH has a great way to bring his point across and make his listeners feel valuable in any of their akward situations. I feel much more clarity on my course of action. Thanks a million times!!

[@amie3711]

Watching this video and others (but especially this one today) has helped me really come to terms with awful feelings of heartbreak. It has given me some strength to get up and move on. I have spent days just trying to get through without completely breaking down over one person who clearly doesn't care for me. I really believed that they cared about me with all their sweet words and actions until suddenly from one day to the next, their feelings changed leaving me feel used, unwanted and like I have no meaning or value. I really feel the pain of heartbreak and extend my sympathies to all others out there going through the same thing. Thank you Matthew. I would be in more pain if I hadn't listened to your insights...

[@haileynichelle8343]

Thank you Matthew! Time is precious, and your videos are worth every minute and more.

[@alliebeck2390]

I just love love love the way you phrase things. You really do your homework. So insightful

[@loriekoll7888]

This resonates so strongly. It’s difficult to re-establish a sense of worth without that person who seems to amplify good feelings. I needed to hear that I am the amplifier, at least in part. Time to get past the pain and anxiety to be open to more.

[@jcnlaw]

Serious question. Why would anyone stay in a relationship for years that was not working for them? Based on the content of this video, it appears some people keep making the same mistakes over and over but never come to understand they are the “common denominator”. Great video Matthew!

[@hajji1509]

Of course we do. Because often we are craving and searching for the love we didn't get as children. So we can become people-pleasers in the extreme (guilty) in the hope that this person will suddenly wake up and see our value. Doesn't happen, heart-break, break up and we find ourselves repeating the pattern until it's healed. I've been working in this in therapy for a few years as well as devouring Matthew Hussey's fabulous videos. I hope I can graduate with honours soon! I'm in a new relationship and trying to put all this into practice. 🙏😉

[@barbarabagatin8962]

Imo Dr. It is the Fear to face lonilness. Hard to get it is a blessing instead of staying without being ourselves but have to play a role like ( for example) narcissists do. But they are in this way while a loyal, decent one can't live in this way, without ruining herself or himselves. As a lonely child with parents who were often "hot and cold", with me, I have always been at risk. So that I met and loved 2 narcissists. I think because I have not any diafnosis but the 1st disappeared the 2nd defeamed me on Twitter and I had to close my account and I never thought both of them could be so cynical. Anyway after the 1st relationships I have learnt a little bit about how to handle a liar. So I stopped everything to a friendship relation bc sometimes it wasn't me but I had to walk on eggshells. Noway. You must run. 2 things saved me swimming and my studies. And having a job. But this society could be very destructive for the soul. People have to bet on themselves, live a life projected for learning, possibly once you are doing better, learning as much as you can, to get a job to help others. After the hell we went through, we will be able to build hope. I am sure about this. It takes courage, but less that staying in a toxic environment whit a person who feels only resentment against us, bc we are not never "enough". Being ourselves allow us to leave sooner, asking help, and forgive everything and then run away from those lazy often narcissistic minds. Who can't love. What I learnt about them is that at the end of the all the stuff they say, it is that they don't love life. They don't love anything. They have no dignity. Just sold out.

[@WahkeenaSitka]

STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS!!!! THIIIISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! This is the message I desperately needed to hear today!!!!!!

[@justjo4059]

Fantastically real and compassionate video, Matthew. Love it!!! 🤗

[@mariamayub212]

This is one of the best videos I've seen in a long time and I've already bookmarked it, I know I need to watch this one over and over again. Thank you so much!

[@hollygleiser3178]

Wow thank you. I needed to hear this today. I almost cried when u talked about especially if you've been alone for a few years and feel like u are lucky to have found someone. That's exactly how I feel. But I've been going round and around with an avoidant for 2 months I thought was perfect for me. I'm having a hard time letting go. I used one of your texts after the 3rd time of him canceling plans with me about not feeling a connection when we are apart and needing consistency. It's been 2 days I havnt heard back and it is breaking my heart. Thank you for the courage that there is someone else out there. I just feel stuck being 38 and have an extremely time consuming job. I honestly thought we were perfect because he has the same lifestyle and I liked that. But I feel I'm wasting my time now with him making up excuses to cancel after HE is the one who asks to see me. 😞

[@JayJay-kp1sn]

This is so accurate, I want to cry.. it's like he knows my story. If someone want to talk about this particular topic I am so up to conversation and advise and thought exchange to get out of this here! Love for you all - stay strong ❤

[@DeyOrtiz92]

All that you talked about in this video resonated on so many levels with me, Matthew! I needed to hear those words! I will have them on repeat on my mind ✨️

[@tasrajwani]

I love this. We can focus so much on what we've done "wrong" and what we need to work on, that we can forget how much progress we've made and what we've learned. Great video. Thanks for your wonderful insights and clarity.

[@originalmind9792]

I listen to your talks frequently. THIS one REALLY HUGS TIGHT in the best way. Such good reminders about scarcity mindset, standards and lottery mentally. So easy to forget as we navigate swimming and sometimes drowning on journeys towards realizing the true loves of our lives and who has earned and chosen the opportunity share space and time. Thank you, Matt!❤🙏🏾🔥😌👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@PJHEATERMAN]

As a man my goal was to find the right girl. I dated and if it didn't feel right i didn't date that person again. While dating, my goal wasn't to sleep with them it was to know what's in their head and that takes time. Sex will come at the right time if it's the right girl.

[@susanparker9877]

Refreshing perspective. I feel the same way. 👩‍🎨🐕

[@lightofall]

Men like you are rarrrre

[@PunkForAReason]

This mindset i value HIGHLY 👏👏👏

[@PJHEATERMAN]

@@PunkForAReason been married 33 years. I think my approach worked for me.

[@rachelbailey-no2pp]

@PJHEATERMAN Why didn't it feel right about dating that person again?

[@kstepk5003]

This felt so directed at me and where I’m at it’s scary. That one detail is everything that can make or break it. Choose wisely, choose you and take a chance moving on to find the real thing.

[@adiroots]

Thank you for this video. I am 43 and I have found myself in relationship after relationship with avoidants or emotionally unavailable men. The biggest time wasted was in a 5 plus year situationship. Overtime, I find these decisions really chipped away at my self-confidence; not feeling worthy or chosen. And reminds me of my own abandonment issues from childhood. I took quite some time away from relationships. I was not looking but recently met someone who I really get along with, good conversation, we can laugh together etc. But he is unavailable. You are right, their unavailability should be the most important determining factor. I still have work to do to get to a healthy place.

[@adelinamiller5667]

Wow, so much of this feels like you are speaking DIRECTLY to me. I never needed to hear this more!!! Thank you xxxx

[@blima83]

You are awesome. Exactly what I need to know and hear today. Yesterday I put an end in an embrionary "no-relationship" that clearly was a dead-end and waste of my precious time. You rocks! Thank you for keeping going

[@valentinanovak5255]

this gave me chills (positive ones!); what a great video, you explained it so well and so empathetically

[@appybee]

Matthew, you always put out content that is absolute gold ! Thank you for this video .

[@victoriaporsiempre]

what you are talking about is INTUITION! which is something you reach with working with yourself and with your own healing, developing selfsteem and self compassion among other individuals problems and don’t forget to do that for YOURSELF and not just solely for the sake of having a partner Be happy with yourself first ❤

[@sindhuchinniah4363]

I am really blessed in this universe to listen to you, Thank you Mathew 🥰

[@vemilia4]

This is the most helpful video on this topic I’ve ever seen. Thank you so much Matthew. For your clarity!! ❤

[@Melrose-ki1bc]

This is probably the most helpful video I’ve ever watched!

[@SD-MA]

Oh Wow!!! Each word so relatable, so meaningful. Can’t Thank You enough, Mathew!

[@lucyanna8293]

Matthew, I really want to thank you for all the good analysis of cases and words that we heard in the daily conversation. These avoidant language not only exists in the dating ones but also in some harmful relationship in our family. If a kid faced his/ her harmful dad or mom in these kinds of ignorance everyday, then he/she might mistake these wording as a "proper way " and should accept that as a kind of love. Thank you to lead us to recognize that! It helps me day by day. I cannot say how much I thank you!!

[@pinoniks]

This is what I really needed, to validate my progress and how much better I handled situation, thank you for this🙏

[@richardlongoria8661]

Yeah, the failure feeling thing hits home

[@TarotTarot1]

Matthew! This is your best video yet, an I’ve watched tons of your videos. This one is GOLD!💕

[@veeyanaweva]

exactly ! if someone doesn’t want you where you’re at right now, move on swiftly before the heart break and don’t take it personal, just move on so you don’t miss the one that will bring happiness and fulfillment through your union.