The Science of Attraction: Why You’ve Not Met Someone - Matthew Hussey (Bonus Episode)

[@pikalee3492]

Wow, im currently living this. Met a guy online that has similar values and ideologies as me. We went on our first date and I wasnt immediately attracted to him and thought he might see me as more as a friend. Went home and really thought things through. I realized i made a quick judgement in my head and created a whole narrative around it. My history is being physically attracted to "good looking" men but they lacked consistency and had poor communication. This guy has everything i would eant in a partner and that im willing to give too. I decided to give another chance to truly get to know him and I'm madly in love with him. Im excited to learn more about him and love how much time we spend together. Its so important to check yourself and recognize the patterns in your dating life. Thanks for reading my novel lol

[@christophernash8166]

I've had a similar experience with a woman. Something that may at first turn you off can later become something you find cute and unique in a partner. Too many people are looking for so many things in one person when really they should just give them a chance even if they have a few quirks and dont have everything on their list of a hundred things. People say they want adventure. Well, how adventurous is it to date someone who isnt quite what you expected. We should seek attraction through wanting to learn from someone more than what can we get from them to boost our ego and status.

[@SJ-jl2bh]

Thank you for sharing, I felt like someone was describing my own situation to the t

[@SS-in1ts]

This is true but be careful to not put all your eggs in one basket. It takes time to get to know people, most people show their true selves after about 6-12months. Not sure how long you’ve been together but be careful :) you’re not married yet. Congrats on finding a qualifying man!

[@pikalee3492]

@@SS-in1ts Thank you for your advice! 😊

[@Martin-rh7mf]

My pal's woman put a comment on here... thinking it would never be the kind of content he'd read (😂😂😂) After seeing how she referred to intense dating (addicted to limerance 😬) for about 15 yrs before she got to 30 & decided to select someone that shared her outlook / philosophy (he says yes to everything God love him 🦧) he wanted to know a bit more about her past 😳🍿 ~ they were getting a mortgage together & his parents were contributing a small fortune... She went from cool as a 🥒 over everything to fiercely defensive.. he was like her lap dog 🐕 but a few of us were kind of concerned because he'd said that she seemed so prudish in bed & we all knew she was anything but a shy girl 🙊 Anyway, she begrudgingly told him about her period of, dating'.. she'll read this so it would be unfair to declare the number she hit him with but suffice to say the bullseye 🎯 on a dartboard scores considerably less 😱... we said nothing but were glad he realised he was with everyone else's Ferrari & what suited him better was something newer like a lower mileage VW Tiguan if that makes sense

[@lyndalmorse6555]

When I met my husband I wasn’t initially attracted to him as he wasn’t my usual ‘type’. But I soon realised that he made me feel good ie no anxiety, no stress around being with him, no questioning if I was good enough etc etc. the physical attraction came a bit later. We’ve been married 9 years now 🥰

[@annalim1099]

Congratulations! I had the same experience. Wasn't actually that interested until 4-5 dates in, but he kept showing up and made the effort to navigate COVID restrictions, didn't immediately threaten breaking up when we fought, etc. Married a year now :) Glad I didn't dismiss him right away!

[@edheldude]

Was this close to your 30s after your "party phase"?

[@annalim1099]

@@edheldude It was indeed! I'd had a lot of first dates by then, formed anxious-avoidant attachments to some of them, and by my late 20s when I met my husband I'd just had enough.

[@edheldude]

@@annalim1099 Figures. That's how it always seems to go with modern women when the security anxiety phase starts biologically. Bad boys get free rides and the "good man" pays full price after you've "had your fun". In my opinion the worst deal you can get as a man.

[@workofivory]

@@edheldudewoah so women in by their late 20s-30s are just “damaged goods”? That’s a terrible way to see people

[@economadic2103]

I quit dating apps some time ago now, and I can honestly say it's one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health and self-confidence. I don't care how long it takes to meet somebody, I will do it the organic way. It just feels so much more free and natural, and it's really allowed me to be way way more present with the people in my life and the people who are right in front of me

[@petabrik87]

Makes sense. I'm free next Friday!

[@YvieT]

I did the same thing about a year ago, and it’s honestly the best thing! Will never do dating apps again. Affected my confidence as the guys got nasty, and was also a waste of time. Organic is the best. I will wait.

[@zaz4jaz]

I did this last week as experienced exactly what you were experiencing. It really affected my mental health and felt it was so artificial. Feel so much better focusing my time on things that make me happy and being by present in real life 😊

[@chrisbranton73]

Your confidence being low and searching for someone to fill a void are linked. It’s healthy that you all have gotten off dating apps because you are realizing your genuine value and that your well-being isn’t determined by being in a relationship. But! That doesn’t mean dating apps are bad. I met my partner of over a year on Hinge. I felt similar to you all many times, but towards the end I had a new approach: don’t use them for a need to find a partner. Just look from time to time and make yourself available. I started meeting more people ‘organically’ and it was okay, but I really raised my standards when it came to dating apps. I decided I would not waste any mental bandwidth on someone I didn’t think was a great match. It made me care about dating apps less and spend less time entertaining potential. But in the end dating apps are a very direct way to meet people that are in a similar position as you. If you’re looking for a relationship I would be on a dating app. You aren’t ’meeting’ someone on a dating app, you are being ‘introduced’ through a dating app, just like if a friend matched you up. Good luck

[@arnoldbestable]

​@@YvieTwhat are you waiting for and where are you waiting?

[@grannyronna]

Great dialogue. As someone who has been married for 40 years, I feel like I have some perspective to offer on long term relationships. One thing I can add is that the person to whom you commit, grows and changes over time, as will you. My husband and I are very different people than we were decades ago. Our changes haven't happened at the same time, or always in a way that makes the other person comfortable. Balancing the work to grow as an individual and work to grow together in a relationship is complex. There are often difficult tradeoffs to make and how you see the "price" of those will change over time. I get that dating is hard: Being with someone else for a long time isn't easy :). But the rewards of hanging in there? For me, so worth it.

[@christyhall1419]

Everything you mentioned here is exactly what I said to my daughter and son-in-law in their wedding video 4 years ago. Tomorrow is our 31st wedding anniversary and we celebrated with an enormous party for our 30th last year that was tremendously fun, but my comments regarding change - how we do it and that we don’t always do it simultaneously - was very serious. I told my daughter, “No one tells you that love changes over time. It feels like you’re heart breaks and then gets filled with gold in the cracks if you allow the time for self-discovery and healing to occur. Love deepens and enriches your perspective. But you never go back to what it was in the beginning. And that’s good. Love is better as you get older because your heart can embrace more, endure more, and even electrify more life circumstances as you discriminate what is worth spending your time on and what is not. I love my son-in-law like a son. I told them both not to expect to stay in love all the time and to anticipate trials that are meant to forge a path straight to self-discovery and heart strengthening which is WHY it’s more valuable to be married than to be single most of the time. We get the feedback we need to change ourselves. Humans are not designed to be “independent”. We are created for interdependence and the sooner we learn the difference, the better.

[@grannyronna]

@@christyhall1419 What a beautiful share! You say everything so beautifully. You touch on something meaningful to me as well--the Japanese art of Kintsugi in pottery and in life. The point is that there will always be cracks--in pottery, in life, in expectations. We then have a choice about what to do. If we can fill those broken places with "gold" life will shine more brightly.

[@razarraz8276]

I grew up without a father in my life but I saw my great granny and granddad have a marriage from when she was 16 and he was 24, all the way until he died in the very early 2000's. He died at about the age of 81 I think at the time and she prayed for him every night until the day she died about 15 years later. They had 9 children and many many grand and great grandchildren, and because of seeing that commitment they had for each other and family I value marriage extremely highly. But with that all being said, I don't think I'll ever meet a woman in today's age that values marriage the same as me. But if I do she would most likely already be taken. 🤷

[@grannyronna]

@@razarraz8276 Have faith. I know that it feels that way and understand that, but I know for a fact that there are women out there who do feel the same way. I've met them. You might try looking for them in a house of worship that fits your beliefs. I know it seems unlikely, but I've personally met couples from a variety of backgrounds who started this week. The pandemic forced everyone into on-lline experiences, but now you have freedom to be outside, where you can meet a partner who shares your values. Honestly, many women believe there aren't any guys out there with your values and the right one will feel incredibly lucky to find you.

[@lynnethomas2840]

@@christyhall1419I appreciate you sharing this your insights and experience. Thank you!

[@lav7161]

"We start giving to somebody else what we wish someone would give us" So true. And then we completely avoid what they want or think they're crazy for wanting that.

[@Maddie-rv6sp]

fk ths is deep

[@mcpartridgeboy]

Its not true, because women want to be treated like shit and treat men who are abusive really well and treat nice guys with utter contempt !

[@HillaryFarraArdmore]

Is messeded up- when we get less stuck on our own needs, wants and ask "what do they need" listen, be aware, write it down as Matthew said- love u have for them becomes more clear, I think will find if it's true.

[@berger1968]

My ex gave me nothing 😂

[@Ardorstorm]

@@mcpartridgeboy This is incel rhetoric

[@yrd814]

Take it from me.... 18 years ago I fell in love with this handsome, charming, hard worker, amazing lover and married him, but we had NOTHING in common! Not the same values, not the same definition of loyalty, or what fun means, etc... but I forced this relationship because I was obsessed with the idea of being with him. Now I am divorced and I totally see what Matthew says: connection and attraction is not everything. There is so much more... and we can't ignore that.

[@GadisBaliLivesAbroad]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I need to focus on compatibility first, not just physical attraction and emotional connection.

[@Dancediva240]

@@GadisBaliLivesAbroad you need to put physical attraction first, unless it's a friend you've known forever that you suddenly or gradually start seeing in a different light. You dont wanna end up with a nice compatible creature you hate the sight of naked.

[@winexhd9373]

@@Dancediva240 Can you describe to me someone who is physically attractive to women, that most men can meet? Most women describe a tall man is attractive, but you can't really change that. Most women describe a muscular build is attractive, that takes years and years to build, compared to dieting to a healthy BMI and makeup that women can do in days. The only thing left is periodically working out in the hopes that your genes give you a little build that is worth something, hygiene, and wear fashionable clothes. Everything else, like confidence, niceness, initiating conversations, being funny, these are all non physical qualities. And on top of this, even men do these three things, if they are short, they have low confidence, they don't initiate, they don't get anything.

[@celinasjourney]

You guys have 0 standards. It's simple. Looks, THEN personality. It even ONE of the 2 doesn't check out then it should be a no. The only answer I can think of is desperation.

[@brebrey124ni]

​@celinasjourney you are right. Remember most people don't get it. Finding a capable mate is like looking for a needle 🪡 in a hay stack. I subscribed to your channel. It looks interesting. Take care ❤

[@TerryGuzmanMartinez]

I think that it's important to feel attracted to our partner and not only choose it because he/she is a "good person".

[@Nehaprathap]

That's scary Cz I'm seeing a good person and idk if I'm attracted to him..

[@TerryGuzmanMartinez]

@@Nehaprathap ¡Great, perfect!

[@tesslemoing727]

@@Nehaprathap I just experienced this myself. I dated him for 3 months trying to see if the attraction would grow over time. I really liked him. We had great chemistry and he had such a great personality. But over time I realized the attraction wasn’t building, there was no value and no challenge in the relationship. I didn’t want to settle for “good enough” as badly as I wanted a relationship at time. It was so hard to let him go, but I know that had I stayed longer in that relationship, the harder it would have been to end it and I know resentment would build overtime because of the lack of attraction. Hope this helps and good luck on your journey to love!

[@Yeeha494]

@@tesslemoing727 sounds like he dodged a bullet lol. all jokes aside, did you communicate what you thought was not attractive in him and see if he could improve that? or just say nothing, expect him to be mr. perfect and when things didn't magically change (because they are human) you grew resentful and broke it off? don't know anything about you but sounds like a pattern in women: having high or medium standrds and never verbalizing them, instead expecting the guy to figure it out for himself.

[@tesslemoing727]

@@Yeeha494 I did communicate that I wasn't feeling a romantic connection--TWICE! And he worked on it but it felt forced in the end. I never let the resentment build because I told him how I felt. If anything I felt frustrated, like there was something wrong with me for not feeling attracted to him despite his efforts. He tried so hard and so did I. But at the end of the day, I learned attraction can't be forced and, it needs to be felt on both sides. And we didn't have the luxury of time to see if it would grow over time. Like if we were friends for like a year first, it could have been a different story.

[@svltana.b]

“I just had the most amazing date with the most amazing person. Based on what?” Now that was a reality check Matthew!!

[@sherriflemming3218]

Exactly.

[@christirb1]

I think we as a society put SO MUCH emphasis on our physical appearance and on how someone makes us feel. Both are fallacies. Looks will ALWAYS fade/change and a lot of times the way we feel with someone is our actually our childhood insecurities being activated. We have to first have a healthy view of ourselves, of love and of other people BEFORE we decide whether we are attracted to someone or not. I was 43 y/o when I met my husband and got married. I was extremely insecure and thought my looks (that I was losing quickly) were everything. My husband is 12 years younger than I am. He fell in love with me bc of my heart. Yes he thinks I’m beautiful, but he told me that he had never met a woman with my heart and he knew he couldn’t let me go. I was shocked! He’s changed my perspective. Love and attraction is WAY more than looks. We’ve been married 2 1/2 years. 🥰

[@neberboi]

You might be celebrating too early. He may leave you once he realizes his worth.

[@weebfourg]

@@neberboi cringe redpiller

[@neberboi]

@@weebfourg cringe weeeb. You know what I said is true so you have nothing to say but personal insult😂

[@christirb1]

@@neberboi what a terrible thing to say. And he absolutely does know his worth.

[@leonaj.5835]

You are coping. A very immature 45 year old who hit the wall & "attracted" to younger men because older men can't stand her immaturity. Of course younger men would most likely give you a chance; it's easy to mentally manipulate you since you admit to being extremely insecure & losing your looks. Your use of emoji & all caps are indicators of just how immature you are even in communicating. If you're so happy & telling the truth about your relationship, why did you even comment on this video? Shouldn't you be busy hanging out with your younger husband?

[@flexster5385]

Love how this conversation mentioned that while attraction and chemistry is important, there are so many other factors that also build a healthy relationship!

[@theprousteffect9717]

That's so obvious though. We don't need "experts" to explain that to us 😂

[@flexster5385]

@@theprousteffect9717 Sometimes we gotta go over the basics again, especially if you've ended up in an unhealthy relationship 😉

[@senzatieee]

@@theprousteffect9717 LOL this made me laugh because this is what a lot of these "experts" do, try to endlessly complicate very basic and straightforward things to sound more knowledgeable and sell you nonsense. Do you really need an entire career to say "don't just think with your dick"?

[@sunshinemoon7075]

Have a list, know what you want and have relationship goals. Because you can get swept if you don’t.

[@fern-cx3bf]

@@sunshinemoon7075could you tell me some goals? I’m in one but we’re in the waterworks

[@lindapham4876]

Surprised by all the hate in the comments! Honestly as someone who’s recently had a failed relationship, the things he’s saying about people fixating on the wrong stages and perceived value is so spot on

[@anxen]

Those are the products of families that over value male children but don't teach them how to be valuable people.

[@ModelJames13]

It's a load of bull. 🐄

[@Loch1210]

I like pretty women.Period

[@ModelJames13]

@@Loch1210 Right on.

[@yogawithSally]

I always turn to Matthew Hussey for a more nuanced look at relationships. He goes beyond "5 things to do" and "10 signs he's not into you" and delves deeper. Thanks!

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

I definitely think there’s a balance. Don’t base things off looks, but go for character. But don’t marry someone you think is ugly. Because respect will eventually go away if you’re not some kind of attracted to the person.

[@rominaortizromanos2059]

This video is massively impressive. Matthew Hussey really is emotionally intelligent and equally well-spoken, and you Ali, hold such a beautiful space for him to talk, through not interrupting or making exaggerated expressions just for the sake of "drama", as I've seen on other podcasts that Matthew has been on. You're just respectfully listening, and it's wonderful to see. Also the transitions are so tastefully made, it's really a great experience watching this. Keep up the great work.

[@Rocknrollcure]

I came here to say exactly this. Ali is one of the best interviewers I've come across. It is sooo appreciated!

[@chrisc1644]

Very well said! I agree 100 percent !

[@RachelLovelaceLive]

"The consequences of ignoring what I'm saying is a life of suffering." - This is 100% the truth. I had the first three... but not compatibility, and it lead to the greatest pain I've ever experienced.

[@ShayC143]

I’ve listened to so many dating advices that I don’t even want a relationship anymore. I’m really content and happy on my own.

[@Haze_Loto]

I think this is the best approach. Learn to love yourself first before love someone else.

[@ayaaly2866]

Same it feels like too much now

[@Haze_Loto]

@@ayaaly2866 I have been reading and watching dating advices for almost a month and my brain is kind of numb

[@agentmartagentmart9122]

Stop lying Shay. Humans are meant to be connected and loved. You want love, just haven’t found it.

[@markthompson1796]

I’ve listened to a lot of dating advice too. I’d like to be an a loving, committed relationship but it all sounds so complicated trying to find someone that’s a good match. I really like my simple life and feel very content alone.

[@brendalu4665]

I’ve always found that the more I get to know someone…the more they make laugh and the more they touch my heart ~ the better looking they become💖

[@bleachedout805]

I only get this with guys who are the lower tier of my ideal type. They still have the general features I like but they aren't the prime type. They have great personalities but when I open myself to date them they get insecure and doubt my interest. I won't date a man who doubts the sincerity of my emotions. So I just date men who are attractive to me at a 6 or 7 versus men who I only have a 5 level interest in.

[@toomuchinformation]

Interesting comment. Never thought about it like that before. Insecurity isn't an attractive trait.

[@Britney.J]

This conversation is super interesting. I dated a lot in my teens and 20's and didn't ever settle down with one person. My family sort of felt sorry for me that my cousins and other peers were getting married and choosing to have families. I guess I didn't feel sorry for myself, but the family pressure was frustrating. Finally, in my 30's I got lucky to meet someone that made it to the compatibility component of the levels Matthew describes. I think that's where all my other relationships fell short. Now I feel incredibly grateful to have a partner that does have shared goals, and we discuss if those things are evolving/ how that impacts the other person. And I couldn't be more happy to share my life with my partner. It was definitely worth the wait to find a person that was in the same frame of mind and perspective. Looking back on "failed" relationships, I can definitely see at what level the communication/ structure of the relationship broke down. None of them had the right level of importance at the right time. I appreciate this interesting framework to consider relationships within.

[@SS-in1ts]

Where did you meet this person??😂 please help?

[@0veratedcrazyness]

Any tips on not feeling sorry for yourself? I am struggling with this. I know these things take time, but the loneliness gets to me sometimes.

[@Fight-4-your-food]

​@@0veratedcrazyness in order to stop feeling sorry for yourself you need to find something that interests you, excites you, fires you up. To learn, do or be apart of. It could be a hobby like painting or learning how to be a writer or something like hiking or mountain climbing, anything that is fun or interesting. You will also find it distracts you and you may make friends and feel more confident.

[@alaalfa8839]

You rather date because of looks and charisma....but maybe it didnt occur to you fall in love with his lifestyle. Part of lifestyle is, friends, and colleagues helping the friends a nd colleagues, the guy meeting his friends and colleagues. You notice that the feels safe around him because of his charisma, and kind personality and humor it attracts the female partner, because then she feels safe not just with him but also with his friends. You know why its attractive for woman, because of his values, his good heart helping someone in need from a spiritual perspective its very attractive. Television and movies teach women to be just attracted to men´s looks and appearance. that for rest of his life he will meet nobody but give all his energy and time only to his wife. that he can never grow spiritually by meeting other people helping other people, comunicating with them. But they forgot to say that spiritual attraction is important for a long-term relationship. If you notice that your boyfriend is helping his male buddy in need, you notice his values, his humility, his kindenss.. which is very attractive Charisma is part of lifestyle and lifestyle is a part of charisma. Do you know why couples that work in the classical music industry look so happy? She is for example a singer, he is a conductor of an orchestra. Because they meet a lot of musicians and colleagues who also love music so much and share experiences. Not just because classical music is very exciting and classy but also because the friendships are very interesting, and they share common values and humor advices about music etc. they travel together etc. Woman shouldnt fall in love only with his looks, because looks may change little bit, but lifestyle rarely changes, if its a good lifestyle but with his lifestyle with the humor and kindness he shares with other people because its very inspirational spiritually. She also feels happy, because she becomes also their friend and her husband becomes friends with her friends. Which is great because if you need advices you know you may ask them what they think etc.

[@voyance4elle]

I have the same experience, but I haven't met that compatible partner yet. But I am pretty sure that I will meet them someday and I amvery happy that my relationships from my 20s didn't go further :D

[@Ringo-starrrr]

Have followed Matthew since 2013 and he has transformed my life with his advice. The only mistake I made was to only pay heed to how to get the partner, not on who to choose. It is so important to choose the right one FOR YOU, as he rightly says in this

[@rohanking12able]

Everyone knows this tho

[@lizicadumitru9683]

​@rohanking12able I may beg to differ that everybody knows this intuitively. Some people put too much stock in one of the four aspects of attraction he talked about instead of trying to balance all of them evenly.

[@Attabasca]

Dating to me can be like how people are in an interview. They try and display all their best qualities and maybe try and convince you that they have some that they don't really have. And like some people are great in interviews, end up being lousy workers - some people who are great on dates, end up being lousy in a committed relationship. You definitely need to be aware that just because you had a great date or dates, you can't really know how that person will be as a partner. It helps to stay grounded.

[@Ana-rb7ws]

Matthew Hussey grew a lot over the years. From the guy who was teaching women how to get the guy, to not date for attraction is a great evolution. While I don’t like that many women may have wasted their time by following his earlier advice, the fact that he learned and is now teaching from his new found wisdom is something I can admire. Thanks for doing that, Matthew.

[@jonathantoniolo2782]

💯

[@raomance]

Exactly this. I still believe Matthew Hussey was the OG pick up artist content creator. It's also true that intelligent KZbinrs have a better idea on watching and anticipating trends, dating trends here to be specific. People like him have understood that youngsters are realising that the apps-fueled hookup culture is dying. Conservative, long term commitment will always rule and Hussey is here to milk it.

[@Ana-rb7ws]

@@raomance I completely agree with you on that. On an intuitive level, I too feel that Hussey has changed because of the circumstances, and like you said, is staying ahead of what many millennials are finding out: that hookup culture is the worst thing to have happened to people in the history of relationships. Still, the fact that he is learning and is changing his message is something I can appreciate. While I no longer subscribe to anything he says, and I never did (I only used to feel insecure about myself that I wasn’t as slick as the girls he used to have on his shows, which I now realize was a foolish thing to feel), still the fact that the change in his message is going to help countless young women find a better way to date is something I can appreciate. I also think that his current girlfriend has had a good impact on him, which goes to show what a good, normal, healthy, stable and committed relationship can do for the overall health and well-being of a man (and women too of course). Anyway, thanks for your input. I’m glad to hear that there are other intelligent women out there.

[@toomuchinformation]

What was his earlier advice?

[@Ana-rb7ws]

@@toomuchinformation he wrote a book called “Get the Guy” or something like that. It touted all sorts of bad advice to “get the guy.”

[@angierox6964]

I’ve been studying love and relationships for years, and Hussey absolutely knows what he’s talking about. And he presented fabulously. He’s objective gives credit to others in the field and gives great examples and tips. I watched most of the full podcast that you two did recently, and I watched this one as well. When there’s a lot of information it’s great to have the review to take it another step deeper. Thank you so much! One more thing! He didn’t dance around any of the topics so that you have to go buy his book. That’s a strong character trait that I respect and and I’ll be buying his book! This is a book that I will want to write in and mark on and dog-ear.

[@felixkemp2122]

Good comment !

[@Curlgeek]

My husband and I met in university days. He was an exchange student . I knew he liked me so do I. But he wasn’t making a move until I talked to him randomly during our acquaintance party asking him to join the crowd. From that day on he started chasing me and now we are married for 5years and together for 7years. The best move I ever did 😂

[@nenyeo6090]

“I knew he liked me, so do I.” Girl, the confidence 😂 I can’t- love that for you ❤

[@Curlgeek]

@@nenyeo6090 it’s rare to find confidence these days. It took me years to build that to myself. 😁 thank you! ❤️

[@lordkent8143]

It's always easier when the girl makes the first move. The times that we live in, guys just don't wanna bother making the first move because they are judge so harshly and labeled a creep if the girl is not interested.

[@PatriciaMalemikia-n4h]

Which moves were they 😂 and how do I make them 😅 cause girl I’m single all my life

[@Curlgeek]

@@PatriciaMalemikia-n4h be yourself and make good conversations

[@isgrin8823]

"you cant be a great song, everyone has to be an album" i will remember this quote, beautiful

[@ksara2883]

This guy is correct. Love does not conquer all. It never has. Compatibility does. I've found my relationships have become far more fulfilling when prioritising compatibility. Sure attraction and connecting is great. But that is only one facet of compatibility. Values, lifestyles, wants and needs all need to be considered. When you both agree on the important stuff you aren't spending your time arguing. Instead you are spending your time enjoying each other's company and focused on building a life together in a way you both envision and are both excited for.

[@dxfifa]

The thing most "romantics" don't want to admit is "chemistry" is a slave to three things, the halo effect, a charming personality, and the ability and desire to create sexual tension. If a romantic meets an amazing person (perfect for you) who is ugly, awkward OR not flirty, it is almost certain they will not think there's any connection or any vibe there. The concept of chemistry is just used to disguise shallow and instinct based thinking under a seemingly important idea

[@sherriflemming3218]

Romance chemistry and attraction does not create relationship success

[@averyintelligence]

Can you give me examples of what areas of my life I should check are compatible

[@ksara2883]

@@averyintelligence they are certainly many. The big ones include whether you want kids or not, if you want marriage, where abouts you want to live, religion, how you want to manage finances, how often you want sex, shared values. But it certainly gets more granular. How much time ideally do you want to spend together? How do you want to parent. What kind of sex are you into? The way you prefer to show and receive love? What do you consider cheating? Not every agrees on these preferences here. If you don't want kid and they do you have an incompatibility. If you only want one kid and they want ten and neither of you are willing to compromise you have an incompatibility. If one of you wants your kids vaccinated and the other is against that you have an incompatibility. If you both agree to all of this but want to patent those children with vastly differing parenting styles you have an incompatibility. Or another example, a person who is quite independent and likes their alone time will be most compatible with a person who is happy to not spend much time with them. They Wi be incompatibility with a person eh wants fyi spend as much time as possible together. Or perhaps a person who loves food and would prefer spending their time on the couch is unlikely to be compatible with another who enjoys going to the gym most nights, hates sitting still and eats to a very strict diet. Sure some people can make these differences work but only if they are willing to compromise and if a compromise can exist. You can't get half married or have half a kid, so their things couples aren't able to compromise on. Ultimately you need to have a good idea of the kind of life you want to live, what you value and what you see as important to you. You need to know what are your must haves and what are your nice to have ms you need to know what is non negotiable for you and what are you willing to negotiate and compromise on. Then the goal of compatibility is to only accept a relationship with another who also agrees with the important things. A person who fits well with your lifestyle and you fit we with theirs. When you do that you spend a lot less time arguing and much more time enjoying each other's company because you agree on the important things. And most of the relationship conflict isn't from the relationship itself rather from external stresses putting pressure on the relationship, such as one person having to go away for work randomly or the other has an elderly parent they now need to care for. Love does change what a person wants from life or values. It won't suddenly make a person be who you want. You select for those things via the dating process. To me a relationship that is difficult due to conflict cunning from the relationship itself possibly means there is an incompatibility and neither person can agree, get a need met or keep their preference. The mistake people make to avoid the hard devils to either accept they won't get what they want or they must leave is to hope things will get better, hope love will somehow magically fix it or that they can convince the other person to change. This things don't work. The old solution when dating lots of people and taking time to find a partner was discouraged and marrying young was encouraged was to teach people men had the final say and women had no opinion. If one person gives up everything important to them then the relationship can continue to work. But today that seems completely unnecessary. People have different preferences and you can take your time in sifting through what's incompatible that the option of finding a compatible partner just seems like a much better option. I'm not sure if any of this helps. It's perhaps at best a starting point.

[@waterlilynymph]

It’s not possible to date someone you aren’t attracted to in some form or capacity. It may be their smile, sound of their voice or even mannerisms, but there should always be something you are attracted to cause it lets you know the laws of physics are at work in the universe, pulling you towards someone who is next supposed to be in your life for a reason and a lesson , beautiful or hard ones. Remember one man’s weed is another man’s rose. Beauty is very personal and we all have our “types” that draw us in like a magnet to one another.

[@christinedozier2154]

I agree

[@anushkashrivastava8107]

very well written. I agree xx

[@robertsh.2506]

Beautiful quote :)

[@ayaaly2866]

1000 %true

[@rjflores438]

Women are far pickier and judgemental of a mans attractiveness though. No wonder men are self deleting in record numbers.

[@silverlinings3946]

Let's be real here. If there is no attraction by the third date, it's unlikely it will ever appear without hard work on both sides. And even then, imagine one side often feeling rejected or unwanted, while the other side dreading the sex nights, or feeling ambushed and coerced. Values are important, but they don't have to match ideally, nearly always some compromise can be achieved. But how to compromise when there is no mutual attraction?

[@ayomidedareabel5525]

For some people it may take months or even years. Depending on were they met. When I first started dating my boyfriend I will admit I only started dating him because he was perfect on paper plus it was the last year of school and I wanted that experience. It was like after 4 months I started getting attracted to him. Probably because I'm demisexual tho😂😂

[@QMS9224]

I agree one sided attraction can be very dangerous and give immense power to one side. The very idea that you are "settling" or "waiting to build attraction" is disrespectful and only a true simp man/women would tolerate that from someone

[@silverlinings3946]

@ayomidedareabel5525 well if you're demisexual that's totally different. You need to build emotional bond first, but you'd know in advance that you can be attracted to that person, because they don't fill you with loathing at the thought of them touching you.

[@silverlinings3946]

@user-qy7fd8di5t literally that's what people do in comments on yt. Are you new to the world?

[@aimeem]

I think it's important to figure out what exactly "attraction" means. Lots of people are attracted to things that trigger their dysfunction. Like the example of being more attracted to someone the more they don't return your calls. Why is that attractive?

[@brett84c]

Been casually listening to Matthew Hussey for years. This man is so interesting to listen to because he clearly understands dating on a deep level and all the pitfalls that prevent us from being with the people that would be great for us. It's crazy how obvious the stuff he says is but how eloquently and simply he explains it that creates constant light bulb moments when listening to him. Man is a national treasure.

[@agnesr.4664]

If he is KIND, that makes him very very attractive very soon. And I am not talking about just being nice or not having a spine to stand your ground and stuff. Genuinely being healthy inside, being able to handle conflict and staying friendly or kind and treat others well even if you do not want anything from them. Add compatibility, and you have a dream person you could do life together.

[@dxfifa]

Women ALL say this, then select for "chemistry" at the first step in dating. That includes; attractiveness, charm, charisma and status. Nice is irrelevant to chemistry, it's just a bonus. This whole thing is the point Matthew is making

[@Predictable1]

@@dxfifa she didn't say nice, she said KIND! anyone can play nice, even the hottest guy in town. Finding someone kind is the real challenge. However, some level of attraction is often going to be needed still to engage physically, unless they are ok with the relationship being only mental/intelectual

[@PinPinKula]

well.. that was a naive take, lol.. dont try ot have relationship on this premise.. it will sucumb.. try to realize, eveything changes in years you are with someone.. everything.. so your ability and willingness to push along will determain how long you go, not the initial state.

[@agnesr.4664]

@@PinPinKula Imho, kindness establishes willingness. Nobody wants to get together, much less stay, with somebody who's not kind.

[@berenice072298]

This is one of the best break downs I’ve heard that has depth and logic but also doesn’t tell you exactly how/who to pick. I appreciate this honestly. I haven’t done things right in the past and in the future if I date again I will look at it in stages as suggested

[@littleripper312]

Someone being successful in their life doesn't mean they'll be a good partner to you. Loved that point. Huge mistake I've been making is admiring someone and thinking they're amazing but that has nothing to do with how they'll treat me in the relationship. Paying attention early on if they show up when you really need their help and are reliable are the most important qualities I look for now. I also make sure that I'm doing the same and not blowing them off or dragging my heels when they need help.

[@Tessy29k]

I cracked this code. I fell in love with someone who I never thought I would be interested in initially as he wasn't the same race but I realised how much I had been closing myself off. We sacrifice for each other and compromise where we need to. We have mutual respect for each other. He loves me soo much and everything he wants also aligns with my values and goals and dreams and now we are engaged 🎉👩🏾‍❤️‍👨🏼💍 and we were always attracted to each other fr the start but it was superficial the REAL and sustainable attraction grew even deeper over time as we got to know each other more and now we love each other so much and we are so excited for the future!! 🇳🇬 🇵🇱

[@ayomidedareabel5525]

Are you Nigerian or is he? Im asking cause I'm also Nigerian. congrats on finding each other tho. The streets are hard

[@mrs.w8193]

He’s probably Nigerian. Good luck. If he is…I say good luck. That’s all I am going to say

[@ayomidedareabel5525]

@@mrs.w8193 😭😭comon na there are some of them that are good boys.

[@Tessy29k]

​@@ayomidedareabel5525 I'm Nigerian and he is Polish ❤

[@Tessy29k]

​@@mrs.w8193 He's Polish.😊 I actually have videos on how I met him on my channel ❤

[@zeynepakn3499]

This analytical thinking of Matthew saved my emotional life. :) I don't have a partner now. But I am ok by myself. I am not clinging on people just because of feeling lonely any more. I thank you a lot Matthew.

[@camillebateman5660]

I wasn’t attracted to my husband when I first started hanging out with him. However I loved being with him. I remember deciding I would start TRYING to find him attractive - and it only made it worse. BUT THEN I decided I’d point out all the little things I DID find attractive. Like… his eyebrows or his shoulders. After like 3 weeks of this, I started to notice myself appreciating him as a whole- mind, body, and spirit and then I was very attracted to him! After like 5 months we finally started being exclusive and we’re able to be best friends and not just romantic partners. Now after 2 years of marriage - we are best friends AND I’m madly attracted to him. So my rule of thumb: attraction is important- but not #1 priority!! YOU CAN work on it. If after like 3 months though of giving it an honest shot- and it’s not working out - then yeah it would be good to move on. But please don’t just SWIPE people away because they aren’t gorgeous. If I had done that- I would have my husband now who is my best friend, wonderful partner and someone that uplifts me!

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Very well said. Also keep in mind, men are making the same calculations when it comes to particular women we like but aren't totally sure about, 100 percent attracted to, etc. Almost everybody settles in some way, ands that's fine.

[@BlackSaintNiks]

Good to hear but I’m pretty sure he was your looks match. But like most woman you’re only attracted to 20% of men.

[@toomuchinformation]

​@@BlackSaintNiksOh no, not you again. Reading comprehension isn't your strong point 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

[@MrSandman_0981]

Very weird. Why would you force yourself to like someone?

[@BlackSaintNiks]

@toomuchinformation B!tch reading comprehension seems to be your weakness. I read her stuff right and responded with facts. Please don’t insult my intelligence.

[@StockySnail]

This is probably the best talk on attraction, phases, traps, pitfalls, and tips I've ever heard. Thanks for this!

[@GrekeFenris]

You know he may be a dating coach that is geared towards speaking and helping women, but I feel a lot of what he said here is just universally good advice regardless of gender. I really enjoyed this interview and definitely gave me some food for thought, and quite a few moments of self reflective epiphanies.

[@feistyburrito1]

4 stages to deep and lasting connections: 1. Chemistry - can control some of it. The way we present ourselves, how we look, character = how some people may become attracted to us vice versa 2. Perceived Value - what we bring to the table. Our friends & family/ net worth/charm/charisma 3. Perceived challenge - your value has to be earned, decide how much someone will have to do in order to receive the value you’re going to give, not giving someone too much credit too quickly, stop giving people credit based on one date, get to know people 4. Compatibility - does our values align and are the definitions the same? is your idea of a good time same as mine? What is your vs my idea of good life? What’s your idea of loyalty vs mine? We lose our value in dating, when we stop paying attention to the appropriate level of importance at different stages. Meaning? Stages 1 and 2 are necessary but not as important. Stages 3 and 4 are necessary and important. When you put too much value on 1 or 2 your “perceived challenge “ (3) drops to zero. Because someone realises your value (what you’re willing to give) has no price. It’s free, it does not need to be earned. You lose respect. Most people just get stuck at 1&2. Emphasis should be on 3&4 in order to get to “deep and lasting connections “.

[@antonella7610]

Thank youuuu❤

[@christopherr.heloudecos7422]

My whole life I’ve been looking for some way to make sense and navigate through this stuff. I finally feel like I can take a deep breath and feel calm just listening to this man. Thank you Ali for bringing him to the podcast!

[@hazeylulu]

My first ex bf was during covid. I was no where near attracted to him and at the end he had alot of issues and didn't love himself so he treated me like shit and always run away from his problems. Doesn't matter about the looks at this point. I realized even dating guys who you're not really attracted to can hurt you as well. I'm currently in a new healthy relationship and we met online. Talked for 6 months before meeting eachother in person. And he's beautiful inside and out! So confident, nurturing, and humble. Currently here in North carolina spending our summer together ❤😊

[@Talya-u2k]

Hope it is going well!

[@hazeylulu]

@lissettr4893 thank u! 💕

[@charlesabboud1613]

@@hazeylulualways so encouraging to hear that talking a lot before meeting can help a relationship before finally meeting up.

[@fizzy3949]

So glad Matt mentioned metrics and how what people have or are is no indication of whether they'll be loyal etc. Ppl have been herded into that way of thinking and are struggling to find good partners or be in good relationships because they searched with the wrong approach!

[@L2mangi]

I was married 30 yrs, single now 4 yrs. I have seen family, friends, acquaintances go through ups, downs and much of what he's talking about. I agree with a lot of what he's saying. I'm happy being single. I'm happy growing old on my own. I own and admit, I just don't have the energy and emotion to do it all again😂❤

[@moriahgamesdev]

30 years and then you got divorced. Can I ask why? I know it's none of my business but my wife and I are close to that number, maybe there's some lesson we can learn.

[@SirenaSpades]

So you have nothing to contribute?

[@L2mangi]

@@moriahgamesdev hi , everyone situation is different, sadly I walked away from physical domestic violence. First time I forgave him, he did lots of sorry, I never meant it, it won't happen again. Sadly it kept going, it affected and damaged my kids, last straw was in front of my grandkids. So enough was enough.

[@moriahgamesdev]

@@L2mangi Sorry to hear that. Fortunately that kind of thing isn't in me.

[@sh0werp0wer]

@@L2mangi Wtf that's horrible. Just know that this isn't normal.

[@carinagatta]

Yes. Speaking the TRUTH! Great conversation. Respect, affection, love has to be earned step by step by step! Never let the “challenge” or your standards go away no matter how long you’ve been together. Have high standards for yourself and don’t jump in too quickly.

[@anniehope8651]

What he says at 7:50 is so spot on! I immediately lose all respect for someone who falls head over heels for me. That's just not someone I can take seriously. Often they aren't really falling for me anyway. They are just desperately looking for someone. Not me, just anyone. They are needy.

[@articsebas]

Maybe people have different rhythms to fall in love. Some people just say I love you after just six days, other take more time (even decades). The needy label might be shallow

[@abp2473]

Yeah, me too. They have fallen head over heels with their projection of me, their fantasy.

[@julianaherrera308]

@@abp2473Exactly! they love the idea of you, but they don't even know who you actually are yet.

[@toomuchinformation]

​@@articsebasNope, it's not shallow. It's called love bombing and avoid those who do it.

[@articsebas]

@@toomuchinformation It is not. The world is not black or white, it’s just a full colour scale. Maybe he is someone who knows what he is feeling and he is not ashamed of telling.

[@anar3662]

Love Matthew, he is so down to earth, humble, and has lots of wisdom to share, good advices for women. I’ve been following him for years and applied his teachings.

[@NN-fz4pd]

He sucks. He doesn’t teach anything about boundaries and respect. Only how to make a guy interested in you.

[@Misagonna88]

If you date a man you’re not attracted to, you’ll be dissatisfied and grow resentment. There needs to be attraction. You can’t force that. You’ll just end up feeling unhappy. Please be single rather than date someone you find unattractive people. Personality isn’t enough. I’m sorry, without some kind of attraction, it won’t work. Please stop dismissing this. It’s not selfish to want attraction in a partner.

[@Kp.adventure.traveler]

That's not what he is saying. In the beginning he talks about chemistry and did say it is "necessary." The point he is making is that many people place to much importance on looks/chemistry alone, but there has to be a deeper foundation for it to last.

[@JaniceinOR]

In my case, I rarely find someone particularly attractive based on their physical appearance. I might be attracted based on the person's facial expressions or the way they move. Mostly, though, the way someone looks to me changes as I get to know their behavior, and someone whose behavior I appreciate may come to look attractive.

[@thepowerofyourtrueself4794]

So true, too much emphasis is placed on the physical aspect, which is important, but reflecting values is just as important, I would not want to just date someone based on their looks, the person needs to reflect the hight standards I am standing for :) @@Kp.adventure.traveler

[@mysticpizza02]

He probably really means to say to women only don't date for attraction but men absolutely should date for attraction.

[@Ghostrider-ul7xn]

This is an absolutely terrible mindset and this is the main cause of lot of social issues and breakdown of families in the west. The requirement that you need to be physically attracted to date or marry someone was created by YOU in YOUR mind, there's NO biological rule saying that you can't fall in love with someone who you aren't attracted to. Its a byproduct of a superficial culture, infact, there's plethora of cross cultural evidence showing long lasting marriages with high marital satisfaction rates exist in those places where there's no such superficial criterias imposed by people. You need to learn more about "Exposure effect" and how people in non-western countries make their marriages work if you actually want to enlighten yourself. Even recent studies using A.I on 11000 couples shows the superficial criterias on which people chose their partners were the least predictive of long term happiness in marriages. There was a total disconnect on what people were swiping for/trying to date and what actually makes people happy on a long term basis. The factors that actually had predictive power were psychological variables like secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, satisfaction with life etc, and the things that had NO predictive power were the superficial things like conventional attractiveness, height, status etc. "Really, it suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build," Joel explained to Inverse. "The dynamic that you build with someone - the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences - is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship." www.google.com/amp/s/www.sciencealert.com/ai-analysed-over-11-000-couples-relationships-this-is-what-it-found/amp

[@AdrienePessel]

This was well done . As a person who was fortunate to be raised with loving parents 65yrs of marriage , I had great role models and my mom and dad were very vocal with me on relations between friends and lovers. I have been with my husband for 43 yrs and he is still my boyfriend . In my opinion there are two natural laws in successful relationships. Successful Love is a two way street , and when someone else’s happiness is your happiness that is love . So you both need to value each other happiness. ( communication is a must of course , no one is a mind reader.)

[@LadyMarigoldWithers]

I thought I wanted a relationship but the more time I’ve spent going out on my own and just talking to lots of different people the more confidence I’ve gained and the happier I’ve been. I got chatting to a nice guy at a gig recently and when it ended I got the feeling he was about to ask for my number so I quickly said goodbye and almost ran away 😂 Then realised how far I’ve come; I’m finally fine with my own company so don’t want to start to rely on anyone else to be happy or mess that up with all the feelings and awkwardness dating involves. And terrified of being hurt obviously so it’s a no for me atm but as I’m getting used to chatting to new people maybe I’ll meet someone eventually I won’t want to sprint away from 😂 Either way, enjoying life atm ❤

[@jamesclifford5496]

Forgive me, but this just makes me think you have been disappointed or maybe even hurt previously and now are avoiding a connection for the fear of your peace being disturbed again. Either that or you're just not ready for a relationship for some other reason. Of course it's absolutely great that you have gained confidence in yourself and are happier to be by yourself. And I may be wrong about this - only you will kkow for sure. Either way glad to hear you say you're enjoying life and all the best!

[@LadyMarigoldWithers]

@@jamesclifford5496 yes it’s definitely that and I know it! I’m not sure how to trust anyone again while also not minding where I’m at either. As this confidence is a relatively new thing for me I’m really enjoying feeling better at talking to people anyway. Obviously have my issues to figure out but it’s a process and I think I’m figuring it out slowly in the right direction ☺️. Thank you for the kind words 👍

[@cartoonhanks1708]

This is actually an unhealthy coping mechanism. Dating, relationships, sex etc is a natural human process. This would be like hearing someone say "I'm happy with not having friends the stress of making friends and 'hanging out' is too much, someone said they wanted to hang out and I just said NOPE and bugged out, I'm terrified of being hurt and am getting comfortable with my own company".

[@LadyMarigoldWithers]

@@cartoonhanks1708 I don’t think friends is the same thing at all tbh but I get the analogy. I’m getting more comfortable with being sociable anyway so small steps forward and not just hiding away completely 👍

[@GrekeFenris]

The thing about trust is you can only trust someone by just trusting them. Its also why when that trust gets broken it's so devastating and humiliating. But as they say nothing ventured nothing gained.

[@ガンコ]

I find commitment, stability and dependable people so attractive. It might not be thrilling or super fun, which the brain is key-ed to. This sort of attraction grows on you. It is amazing. It doesn't just fade when you stop feeling your heart beat quickly when you see them.

[@marialeonorcobo8962]

I love Matthew’s wisdom. I’ve been following him for years and it’s thanks to his advice I’ve saved myself from huge mistakes

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

Coach Deborah Cooper

[@osirusj275]

maybe what you have currently is also a mistake but you just havent see the red flags yet?

[@samueldavidvisuals2595]

Compatibility is extremely important as he is saying, even if you have the first three stages. I have lived through it, and it’s weird and very hard, because in every other way you work. You love each other, you generally work really well together, but there are core values that just don’t align such as beliefs, what you want out of life and the kind of life you want to live, values, and definitions of things. For my ex and I it was religious beliefs- which stems into so many other things such as way of life, core values, ways you deal with stress and problems, not being able to stand together for the same goal out of life, and more. It sucks because in every other way we worked very well, and I honestly miss her a lot.

[@vijayagowrimohan4627]

I had something very similar and it was one of the reasons that was cited to me when we broke up. Our core beliefs were skewed, although we were both very intent on compromise and respecting each other's values. I thought we would stick it out till the end since everything else was 100/100. In hindsight, it's better to catch incompatibility early and end the relationship rather than compromise authenticity.

[@sophiegrl5914]

I’m dating a guy where the chemistry was great cause we were compatible but then one day he completely changed. Went from talking about baby names he’s always had picked out to saying “I never thought of the future. I have no dreams for it”. He went from having great discussions and giving his opinion on things to never having an opinion and if he does he doesn’t voice it like talking to a wall. Went from attracted to him to cringing at the thought of him touching me. Compatibility is so so so so important.

[@willnill7946]

Sounds like he was seeing someone else

[@sophiegrl5914]

@@willnill7946 😂😂 yea not everything is cheating. The man just has mental health issues. He would have to talk to other women to have been seeing other women.

[@Kp.adventure.traveler]

If you are only dating and already talking about your babies' names then its already a doomed relationship - this is the whole point Matthew is making!! He is not "mentally ill" maybe he realized there was nothing there.

[@sophiegrl5914]

@@Kp.adventure.traveler wtf 😂😂😂

[@jesusofnazareth6254]

Maybe he got tired of your azz

[@Kp.adventure.traveler]

"...3rd best friend in the room" is excellent advise and sooo true! Approachability is really key to meeting lots of people.

[@rainfog1]

i am so grateful that i have stayed single. less drama, less problems, less anxiety. imagine going through all these hoops just to get someone. i love my freedom more than any relationship. :)

[@shugyosha7924]

This is my first time listening to Matthew Hussey for an extended video. I've seen clips of him talking to crowds of women, but personally I couldn't watch them. I think there's a reason he's popular with women not men. Because of those experiences I had a negative impression of him giving basic insights to clueless women listening to him because of his flowery, emotional language and handsome looks. But I think I was too quick to judge him and appreciated the conversation in this video. Thank you.

[@edheldude]

The advice is solid in this one but he still dances around the elephant in the room: modern women being disgusting for relationships because of their terrible attitudes and promiscuity.

[@citlallicontreras1879]

By far one of the greatest dating/relationship podcast I have seen. Matthew explains in a level we can all understand and relate to, explains the different stages and how it might just no work with that person. I'm tired of always listening to pseudo experts or coaches saying all the wrong things like: play hard to get and be a challenge, become a b*ch, make that person obsessed, if he isn't, then he not really into you, treat him bad, be with someone who likes you more. Which I understand where they are coming from, but like he explains, if you only fixate or get stuck on a certain level(s), then you will be miserable and it does come true. So glad I found this episode.

[@karimaahmed7689]

One of the best relationship videos of all time....and I am 66 years young! Thanks beyond thanks. Nameste.

[@Sofia-mi9ck]

As I grow up, I appreciate the Islamic model of “dating” more and more. You get to know a person’s character, values and life goals without getting physically involved, so you can really objectively assess whether there’s compatibility and if the relationship is likely to work. It just makes sense and saves both sides from so much unnecessary pain and frustration.

[@senzatieee]

It also saves them from a good sex life and gets them to be the highest consumers of pornography on the planet.

[@olive4naito]

It's about balance. While physical attraction isn't everything, we shouldn't ignore the best a person has to offer. While I agree with 90% of what this man teaches, he neglects to address a few key issues. He assumes that everyone in his audience has never met "the one", never been married or divorced. He doesn't address the issues beyond commitment, marriage, and divorce. The whole discussion about relationships is ultimately to find a secure and stable relationship so you can get married and have a family "before it's too late" which ignores everyone who got married and had kids without paying any mind to whether the relationship was sustainable long term or not. It ignores people who have shotgun weddings. It ignores people who still settle down to have kids without much focus on the long-term implications. It's very possible that he misspoke when he referred to women needing to find the right guy before it's too late though. I mean he's not infallible. It's unfortunate because it completely ignores people who are well past the age of having children and makes it sound incredibly tragic.

[@onethree123d]

Stop deluding yourself a lot of Muslims get married quickly and even if they don't they're surrounded by their family observing the interactions or still some what not private and they're not physically involved with others before so they're still high on fantasies and hormones etc. Don't idolize and don't think it's good before actually having experience with something.

[@user-mt2co8ip4u]

There is no sych thing as dating in islam

[@helgaioannidis9365]

I have a friend who waited until marriage. She's nearly 50 now and had her first orgasm last year when she decided she wanted to try to please herself. She's devastated, because her husband isn't able to make her excited enough to really enjoy intercourse with him. She said she feels stuck in a marriage with a lovely, caring man who'm she's not at all physically attracted to any more and she's lost 30 years of her life in which she could have enjoyed intercourse.

[@stephaniemcdowell1010]

The longer I follow and listen to Matthew that more I value his guidance and realize it benefits both men and women.

[@thomascummings7589]

Remember, as well, nobody is perfect. Do not look for all of these things that were talked about and one person if you can find half of count yourself more than lucky, and rely on your own capacity to change and grow to be able to live with who you’ve chosen. It is your capacity to learn and grow, change and except the things amin someone else that will give you the real pleasures, and joys of maturity into a better person. Rock on the optimistic and except the brokenness in others, just as you have the brokenness in yourself.

[@rohanking12able]

Why tho. Whats the point in settling

[@xlilyx3924]

Underrated comment….im surprised there aren’t more likes

[@indiankind]

Incredibly important video. I am eating this up as a confused and frustrated 47 year old woman who continues to date the wrong men. I love these words of wisdom, finally!

[@mirandaanaya2944]

Look into mbti. Game changer for me

[@hilbillythegoat]

This was much more wholesome and light hearted than I thought it would be😌! Thanks for your inquisition Ali and Matt so eloquent and warm. You’ve answered a lot of questions I’ve always wondered about!😆

[@FeliciaJagger]

Well explained. Thank you for bringing up this video. Financial education is indeed required for more than 70% of the society in the country as very few are literate on the subject ..... Thanks to Gianna Everett the lady you recommended.....

[@EarnestMorgan-iq9ds]

That woman totally changed my life for good. I have come across individuals but none is as honest as Everett . So surprised you know her too.

[@Gee690]

Investing appropriately today can save you a whole lot of stress in the near future, so anyone who is not investing now is missing a great Opportunity.

[@KyleRahgma]

Investment has been the easiest means to save and multiply money because money left for saving ends up used without returns.

[@fuyooooo]

I was always attracted to women physically which would cause me to overlook their flaws. My parents and grandparents always warned me about this trait of mines because they were afraid it would blind my judgement. I would shrug them off as traditionalists who didn't know better about the modern world. Unfortunately, I didn't take their advice early enough and went through several toxic relationships with women who mistreated me and had little integrity. I would tolerate it longer than I should've because I was attracted to them. It wasn't until my late 30s that I met a woman who I thought was somewhat decent looking but had the warmest personality. I didn't like her much at first but that changed as time went on. Now, we're happily engaged and looking forward to our first kid!

[@Dancediva240]

she was decent looking. There was actually some attraction there already.

[@dmorcos001]

@@Dancediva240he's not saying to neglect attraction completely, he's saying don't pursue someone purely for their looks and overlook their flaws. Having a bit of attraction is enough

[@dmorcos001]

Happy for you man! I'm learning this as well having been in toxic relationships with beautiful women who had nothing to bring to the tables when it came to their hearts

[@diplomatamaravilhosa2813]

Yea, there’s love that comes with time , but there’s also THE LOVE filled with enthusiasm and you just know

[@paulaljouny230]

no one is perfect . REMEMBER TO COMPROMISE or you can work very hard to self improve until you can find that person for you

[@bettylee234]

The older you get, the more content you become on the comfort of being alone. Being with someone 24/7 isnt for everyone lol it takes work, dedication, desire 24/7. The getting ready for someone and still looking nice for them on top of cooking and having engaging conversations all the time to be a fulfilled partner etc. Just seems like a 2nd job for the most part when some people are content with their own presence alone ~

[@wolathomas]

Amazing conversation. Being a more introverted person who is often (usually wrongly) seen as a snub, I found this very useful and will take the lessons in my stride. Thank you.

[@kristal3797]

It’s important to feel attracted to your partner. I’ve been with mine for almost 7 years and we both are still very attracted to each other. It will help maintain the relationship. I’ve had the friend/type relationship before. Didn’t work out for me in the long run.

[@euniceyanez7835]

i am glad that there are men like you who would talk about stuff like these which is normally what i would expect in women....thank you so much for taking the time...i mean....i never thought that you guys would take "interest" in topics like this...blessings! may your tribe multiply!

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

I wonder how many of these women are truly happy with these men they've partnered with by following his advice?

[@kathycarias1271]

I wasn't attracted to my husband at all. Spent time with him, fell in love and now he is hands down the best looking man I've ever seen. Love will do that to you.

[@christiansnaturestudio6599]

Physical attraction may not be EVERYTHING to dating but it's sure damn IMPORTANT. It's like applying to Harvard Law School, grades may not be EVERYTHING but it's a critical component of a good law student candidate.

[@Trynottoblink]

If relationships are like applying to law school then physical attraction is like the LSAT. It isn’t everything but it’s the minimum bar you need to clear to even be considered for admission

[@christiansnaturestudio6599]

@@Trynottoblink facts

[@ChrisSanders-z1v]

My God! Why couldn’t I have seen this video when I was 25. This guy has figured it all out and articulates exactly what I’ve been feeling and doing wrong!

[@mewho6199]

You absolutely gain good information on a first date. If you want to say "yes," you will of course, need to build on that knowledge by further interaction over time. But to say "no" to a person, all you need is a first date. When you have a bad taste in your mouth, you don't need to take another bite.

[@secfeed6987]

exactly, finally, someone has figured this out, sheesh, I don't know how so many relationship therapists still haven't figured this out by now, and it's common knowledge. People over complicate things and they go off all feeling. It's all about values, principles and will this woman make a good mother for my children. Attractiveness should be there, but it should not be at the top of the list. You don't go for the most perfect person, you go for the best partner for you. If a woman likes me only because she is attracted to me by my looks and because I'm successful, if they can't understand the purpose of a relationship, I disregard them. Its pretty simple. Matthew is sort of on the right track, he says it's complicated, but it's actually pretty simple. Woman meet the wrong man because there going for the loudest and proudest, but it's always the opposite you want. I never approach woman, I respect woman, (well most of you, some don't deserve it) and I don't want to invade your space by trying to hit on you. If I have to convince you to like me, your not for me.

[@XCILE625]

I skipped the intro and didn't realise Matthew's advice was for women. As a guy, I found this very useful myself. Just to understand what the opposite sex may be thinking and why dating hasn't quite worked out for me. Thanks for this.

[@hepcatliz]

Matthew's great for this. he tends to target the female audience, but its awesome advice for ANYONE out there looking. Good luck friend 😅👍

[@iconodule3938]

I often listen to his videos and wish men would listen to them, too!

[@generationalnews2]

Attachment style knowledge is very helpful.

[@TonyleeDK]

In this video Mathew is (and is allowed to be) on the top of his game. His years of dedication to his subject and perfecting both his delivery and his message makes him both convincing and compelling to listen to. I never got distracted once and I also picked up several genuinely useful pieces of advice and wisdom. You Tube can feel like it's full of candyfloss at times and then...BANG....something like this comes along which shows this format off at it's very best. Impressive job by both people in this interview. A great and comfortable watch. Thank You both!

[@julialopes5054]

I love Matthew Hussey. He seems to really care about making people get into healthy relationships, not about the money or fame it gives him

[@Dopaaamine27]

Maybe he wants money but with a different approach.

[@pirayy]

Well said Matthew! "What are the strengths that I have been riding on and where have they have become my greatest weaknesses?"

[@febeyuan7840]

sometimes I look at people.. who easily find a soulmate without even thinking all of this .. and there is me.. confuse and lost in the dating world.. stopped being in a relationship since 31 years old..I'm 38 now..almost 39...dating here and there with no specific outcome. I know what I want, but I don't think he exists.. I simply put it like that.

[@207poorna]

You pretty much summed up my life as well! Good luck to us in our search.. 👍🏻

[@QMS9224]

"I don't think he exists". The reality is "soulmate" is a made up hollywood term. The he problem is "he" doesn't exist, "they" exist. By using the term you are subconsciously boxing yourself into "there's only 1 option" mentality. "Dating with no specific outcome" "I know what I want" these two statements are contradictory. You are waiting for it to fall in your lap rather than actively searching for it. "People who easily find a soulmate", soulmates are created not found, it may look easy from afar but they had to work hard to get to that point. Just some things to think about, but you seem nice and I wish you the best :)

[@2legitkong536]

At you had relationships I never got there lmao good luck

[@GrekeFenris]

There are over 4 billion people in the world so there's a far larger probability that the person you're looking for does exist than the probability that he doesn't. Ultimately a lot of it comes down to being in the right place at the right time. I'm a firm believer in what's meant for you will come to you always at precisely when it's meant to. Just trust the process and try to enjoy the ride in the meantime. Keep your chin up, you'll find him.

[@jesusofnazareth6254]

He exists but wouldn't date a 38 yo woman with mileage on her

[@utahcindy4114]

Don't kid yourself, attraction is important. Perhaps you can date someone less attractive but you have to be attracted

[@GadisBaliLivesAbroad]

Yes, but it's not the most important one

[@Dancediva240]

@@GadisBaliLivesAbroad It is. At the beginning. And frankly throughout a relationship it matters too. Because many people have this stupid thinking that Ive now secured you, I can walk around looking like a homeless person and you will still wanna have passionate sex with me.

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

There are so many stories on Reddit by men who married women they weren’t attracted to and the devastation that causes.

[@JB48632pointfour]

Yeah, the headline is just like “what?” Then it basically says “don’t play hard to get, but yeah play hard to get.” I think what it’s saying is “don’t make it ONLY about attraction because there are some ‘hotties’ out there that are under cover vampires and when you’re looking (or settling) for a hottie, those vampires can smell that blood and they will feast on you and leave you with the temptation to either die or become like them.” Do not look for the hottest of all hotties. Look for someone you can connect with. Is there an authentic person under all that hotness or is that basically their entire personality? Are they ready for a relationship? Are they ready for a committed relationship? Are they ready for a committed relationship with YOU? Are you happy around them? Are you happy AFTER you are around them? Do they bring stability into your life or are they driving you crazy? I’m so that guy looking so hard for my SO. It’s so easy to confuse infatuation with legitimate connection. If you are infatuated with them, they may just secretly pushing all your buttons because they’ve been watching you for a long time-pinpointing all your weaknesses and formulating a strategy to acquire you then devalue you, discard you and maybe even destroy you. I’ve never understood why people do this, but it’s totally a thing. Vampires can be quite real.

[@dxfifa]

@@JB48632pointfour Also that a lot of people who don't wow you at first are more compatible than those who do, if they're someone you are open to going out with once to begin with

[@watchdog6619]

Wow, the Handkerchief analogy, was pretty eye opening in the "which side has to do the first move" debate 🤯

[@NiechoBGCSL]

At 52, I agree with most, but not all, of this. You have to have some kind of attraction-- a spark or whatever you choose to call it-- to the person. Otherwise, they end up going into the friend zone category, and you would either fail to take notice of them as more or you decide not to jeoparize the solid friendship. It doesn't have to be just looks either. It has to be something about them that entices you-- their humor, their manner, their daring, their inner strength, etc. Something you find appealing. Think about it from a logical stand point: people often consider looks first. What people fail to realize however is that looks may get your interest but they won't keep your interest necessarily

[@TipsyTae]

Yes!! Imagine dating someone you are not attracted to in any capacity and hope to fall for them but that never happens. That's wasting their time and ours.

[@bellaluce7088]

❤🤓💡53:09 “We’re not born knowing how to create love and create long lasting relationships. It is definitely a skill and it’s a skill that we can absolutely develop over time. And given the importance of relationships in our lives, it’s probably a thing we don’t want to leave to complete chance and to pure accident.” Wise words that can be applied to MANY aspects of life!

[@laurawells1711]

Yes, you have to focus on values, but you NEED attraction. This attraction for each other can be built over time but if you don’t have that passion for one another I think it will not last. As an example, I have stayed in a bad relationship for longer than I should have because we had attraction. I also have left relationships much faster because I was not attracted as much

[@pr00009]

then congrats honey what you define and act on is pure unadulterated lust. you need to tone your attraction a bit in order for your relationships to be healthy and longer lasting

[@Ardorstorm]

@@pr00009 Ew. You literally ignored the part where she agrees that both of them are necessary, attraction _and_ compatibility, and essentially just called her a sl*t. You have absolutely no grounds to stand on to be telling other people what they "need" to do.

[@edheldude]

@@Ardorstorm Being a sl*t is the main problem for most modern women in getting commitment but Hussey will never say it.

[@Ardorstorm]

@@edheldude Not respecting women is the main problem for most modern men, including you. In other words, this is exactly why you have no bitches

[@wonderwomanx1268]

Thanks for the insightful interview, I’m always learning and what’s most important is self love and self esteem guides us best. When we know our worth, we’re fearless and don’t settle.

[@darionclub2158]

Well to be honest i was very surprised. This guy Matthew was so careful, nuanced and unlike so many other dating advisers not clearly pro women or pro men, not just advising on the hookup stage but also on the stage thereafter. I must admit his good looks gave me the prejudice that he probably wouldn't go TRULY in depth and wouldn't really understand everyone's perspective, but he was really truly insightful and respectful ..and realistic. Very nice combination and i defenitely took away some things from this. Thanks for posting. (even though the interviewer didn't exactly seem enthusiastic or connected to what Matthew was saying , but that didn't spoil the experience too much, because he DID let him speak plentiful!

[@yonayehezkel3150]

How Human Nature Works Human nature is the desire to receive, also called “desire to enjoy,” and it functions by receiving what is beneficial to itself and rejecting what is harmful. Everything in our lives is built upon this calculation where we first try to distance ourselves from harm, and then seek how to draw ourselves closer to what is beneficial. Human nature also includes a multilayering of systems that work simultaneously on still, vegetative, animate and human levels. One of those systems is our bodily one, which operates involuntarily. If our bodies are healthy, then they know what is good for them and draw that goodness to themselves. After the bodily system, there is the emotional system, which also functions relatively according to instinct. From the emotional system, we move to the mind, and from the mind to the intellect, and so on. That is, we have systems over systems that concurrently work on receiving what is beneficial and rejecting what is harmful. Such is human nature and the essence of our lives. Our every desire, thought and action operates according to the calculation, “How can we receive what is most beneficial to us and reject what is harmful?”

[@amylee9]

Google the concept of “miswanting psychology”. Humans are horrible predictors of what will make them happy. We are delusional….

[@PhilosophyWithLilly]

@5:45 and on. Matthew, you made me stop multitasking and listen. This advice is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!

[@chelsmaria]

As a high functioning Autistic woman who hardly even registers physical attraction, this works great! Attraction to me is not physical; it is mental. I enjoy the way certain people think, talk, laugh, and feel. Their values and beliefs. Those things are sexy! I can acknowledge when someone is conventionally attractive only because society has taught me it. I've learned that I'm conventionally attractive, but this ends up causing problems because then I'm surrounded by too much attention (usually from the types of people I'm not actually attracted to)! A pretty package is nothing to me, and it's made even worse if they have a terrible personality, sense of humor, or values that conflict with mine. So when I read all these retorts that physical attraction is a must, I feel like a total alien! And why do we tend to define attraction as almost always physical? For some of us, it's rarely physical or superficial.

[@jesusofnazareth6254]

"Socitey taught me about conventionally attractive"? There's no such thing. A man with a strong jawline and overall symmetry... is attractive, just like lions with lots of hair are attractive to lionesses

[@GaoyuanFanboy123]

​@jesusofnazareth6254 she's autistic. She is neurodivergent and it might very well be that from her own brain chemistry, she wouldnt feel attracted to a lion with lots of hair even though neurotypical lions are

[@MrSandman_0981]

Well you're going to have a hard time then, attraction for men is 99% looks

[@delisilethabethe7599]

Thank you for this conversation. I like what was said about the "This is who I am," statement. Accepting a dysfunction as an identity is one of the biggest injustice to self & to others.

[@charlesabboud1613]

I totally agree with Matthew, how people move in the world is infinitely more valuable information than a photograph of them, even if the photo is very flattering…

[@abdulabdullahi3849]

Attraction fades and as you get older what you find attractive 100% changes. You should have principles and values that should never change no matter what. Also "Chemistry" is a highly used and abused word. My wife of 10 years became my wife because she was a very very god at listening.... this lead us to actually get to know each other. Most women are expecting a whirl wind romance when that is far far from the truth. I'm talking marriage and finding a life partner.

[@pris_pris]

Tell this to men who prioritize looks, fitness and pretty face on a woman over everything else!

[@jessicarossman2966]

So much of this is applicable to making friends as well as dating. Loved this chat.

[@travelchannel304]

Wow. Its back. LoL Attraction is a teacher ...about you! Learn from it. I've notice extreme attraction to a person, yet I'm not interested in him...for many reasons. 1st is professional one. So I'm paying attention to my energy around it. Cause my head isn't tied up in it nor my heart. It's not a dating situation. But it is teaching me stuff as to where I am w/ me. Why this person. Cause just being a hottie isn't enough for me to feel it viscerally. Investing in learning my own whys.

[@annm6181]

A sense of humor is very attractive & dating someone through all the seasons gives you a better perspective. Attraction doesn't have to be just about looks. Kindness & thoughtfulness & follow thru someone who cares is key. I like this conversation.

[@BerryBlondaewithADHD]

Hearing this today is a Godsend. I have chemistry with someone and were attracted to one another, we've been involved since January, but the truth is, I was celibate for 3 years prior (by choice) and I have low self-esteem (I am working on) but I just give and give and it lowers my perceived value. It's the first time in my life I've looked so vulnerable it so weird as I am usually cool and not so obvious with my feelings.

[@Thomas...191]

It sounds like you've taken that time out to protect your attachment wounds from being re triggered. And now, as soon as you're with someone, these wounds have been triggered. It's hard to tell, without any details, but anxious would be my guess.

[@BerryBlondaewithADHD]

@Thomas...191 you're absolutely right, retriggering. Anxious-Avoidant, at the slightest change in temperature, I ran, rather than feeling worthy to discuss it. I realized that, I can take the time away, but if I'm not doing the self work, I'm going to end up with the same results.

[@Thomas...191]

@BerryBlondaewithADHD .. I'm in a similar boat man... I'd recommend the yt channel Heidi preibe... she's wicked smart in this particular area.. good luck 👍

[@JonathanLaRiviere]

Ali’s faces are priceless. 17:10 I can’t tell if he just has massive self-control and WANTS to say something (kudos for letting your guests put forward their best content uninterrupted), or if he is just patronizing 😂 I choose to believe the former option.

[@JonathanLaRiviere]

37:19 lol

[@autumnstinar689]

Ali- I found this discussion really insightful, but also appreciated how you let him speak without almost any interruptions/sounds, how quickly & clearly you speak when you do, and the overall sound quality of the video.