how to combat weaponized incompetence [husband wants cookie for doing the bare min]

[@NighttimeLibrary]

I was at the airport recently and there was a family - 2 toddlers, a mother and a father. They had a lot of luggage that they'd put on a large cart and a pram. The mother was pushing the pram, holding the younger child and dragging ALL the luggage while the father held the older toddler and nothing else. A different man approached the mother and pushed all the luggage for her instead. It was so infuriating, I hope the father learned something from the kind man.

[@cheezbiscuit4140]

Did he give her his number right in front of the husband?

[@gabyzz1331]

Once saw a vid of a treet performer at a park stopped in front of a woman holding a baby AND the bag with the baby stuff, the guy gently took the bag off her and handed it to the dad who was just walking behind them fidling on his phone, everybody around laughed lol

[@DeathnoteBB]

@@cheezbiscuit4140If he was a good man, uh no. Good men don’t use helping someone as an excuse to hit on them. A woman isn’t a prop to weaponize against another man’s ego. She is a person, to help.

[@Acehigh-Jenkins]

When I was younger my dad told me a story about weaponised incompetence. This guy from his work was sent to the sandwich shop and got everybody all the wrong sandwiches in the hope he would never be sent again. The office sent him everyday till he came back with right sandwiches! That story stayed with me for life!!!

[@fatemad4012]

It's a great strategy

[@justb4116]

Dang.. My boss sent me to get food twice I, genuinely accidentally, messed up first time because I didn't know there are multiple types of sausage Made a point to write things down on the second, showed the list to boss, gave the list to sandwich lady, food still managed be wrong Hmm, third time's the charm I'll either get it right or I'm forever doomed to be a 'surprise sandwich lady' 😂 I genuinely have no clue how to increase the odds of getting it right 😂

[@Dragonfly_magictarot]

Great story!!!

[@NeyamStar]

Yes

[@bernsky]

this is how my father was. i have adopted with with my partner as well. no idiots here.

[@PaniACoCo]

When I talk about nice stuff my partner did, my friends would be impressed. But when I told my mom she just said "and you should expect no less"

[@chariotfortuna]

Your mom is a goddess.

[@gayathryrajeev5639]

Mama raised you well and to know what you deserve. Good going!

[@Aelffwynn]

It's the opposite for me. My mom is super impressed that my husband does chores, makes money, and is generally pleasant to be around. She's been through 2 terrible marriages with men who had anger issues, treated her like a maid, and didn't do a good job of providing financially. I asked my mom what the point was of having a man like that. She didn't know. She is single now.

[@beththedarkmage3359]

​@@_audacity2722How ironic your surname is, that you had the audacity to ask something stupid!

[@juliahart8593]

Same

[@crystocious6715]

“If a man is HAPPY that you are OVERWORKED, he DOESNT love you! You’re with a hater.” 💥👏🏽

[@daebak_hana]

🎯🎯🎯💯💯💯

[@sillygo0oser]

Ohhhh I had a now ex roommate (coward moved out before I fully moved in), who would have his gf (who he groomed but was 18 by the time she lived there) clean their entire room, make their meals, do the dishes, etc. all while she was full-time in school. I didn’t like either of them but I especially didn’t like him. One day I was visiting (my bf lived there) he handed his gf their vacuum so she could do their cleaning while he went into the living room to watch tv with a guest, and I finally snapped. I don’t think anyone has ever snapped at him before I did, not in the way I did. The man was flabbergasted and speechless. He then went to my boyfriend and told him that he needed to control his woman. Funny stuff because my boyfriend agreed with me lol.

[@Jennifer_Lewis_Beach_Living]

This times infinity.

[@ellehough2746]

"It's better to be alone than be with a man who makes you suffer" AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

[@AmericanDreamer]

yesssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spot on!

[@butternutyeeetsbanana.-.5389]

That's what I've been saying, OVER AND OVER AND OVER again!

[@lunebadru5997]

Fuck I feel this

[@Lin1Lin2Lin3Lin4]

This also goes for anyone. Just good advice. Better to float alone in ocean then keep company with a anchor

[@ellehough2746]

Well said! @@Lin1Lin2Lin3Lin4

[@aquadraws5833]

My ex bf tried to pull this shit with me *once* I ignored him for like 2 weeks, only made food for myself and cleaned areas that I use etc. Then when he apologized and asked for things to go back to the way it was, I dumped him. Had a bag ready and everything. What caused this was I asked him to buy groceries for once because I was working, he called me like ten times (while I was with my client) and bought the wrong brand for everything INCLUDING HIS OWN AFTERSHAVE? LITERALLY HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT??? And forgot the one item I underlined multiple times and was the main thing I asked him to buy because he complained about it the night before: toilet paper. I’ve been forced into a caretaker role and played mother enough times in my life. I don’t want a partner that does the same.

[@crystocious6715]

Good on you, girlie!!! Either he figures it out on his own, or Darwinism takes him.

[@LB-uo7xy]

That having the bag prepared is something EVERY WOMAN that is thinking of leaving should do! It's amazing on your part that you planned everything SO WELL and should give yourself more props for THAT. You planned everything SO PERFECTLY!

[@SuperFunJess]

Tbh, he probably was probably at a different store and didn't see what you asked for which is why he called so many times. If you never told him where you shop for groceries at then he genuinely didn't have access to those items where he went. Different stores have different products.

[@aquadraws5833]

@@SuperFunJess we literally had one supermarket close to our house. He went there to grab snacks for himself too. Don’t make excuses for him.

[@hydralily1646]

You’re great, hopefully he’ll be better for the next girlfriend. You were not the one to be playing games with😂🙄

[@abbyv7984]

When I was a kid, I tried weaponized incompetence on my mom for chores (shows how mature that is 🙃) my mom had the best reaction. Every time I said I don’t know how to do something or did it badly, my mom would super sweetly walk me through it at an excruciatingly slow pace. Every. Single. Time. It became easier to just do the chore than to have her over explain it. Super effective and can be used on anyone trying to act dumb!

[@TabrizWalker]

This is so fhjfking smart omg.

[@audreydoyle5268]

Your mother is a ✨ _Queen_ ✨

[@strawberry_punch_art]

I'm gonna take notes from that. My sister tried something similar and figured out every possible way to do the dishes wrong, lets say she did a lot of dishes.

[@fatemad4012]

Can you explain it more?please English is not my first language so I understand it bad

[@realglutenfree]

@@fatemad4012 Just explain everything very very slow and very detailed. This way the man will get annoyed and bored. But he cant say anything about it. If you treat your partner like a child every time, he will do it correctly one day because he doesnt want you to explain it so slow again.

[@Mavaros90]

As the oldest daughter, I can attest to being drawn to acts of service men. Problem solvers who make my life easier. That's so important to me.

[@MyBlackPumpkinSoup]

Same. My BF really made me swoon when he installed our Elder neighbor's tv on her living room with a smile, while she gossiped about her daughters and made us coffee 😂

[@Laura-Yu]

Majority of the men put “physical touch” as their top love language and I’m just like… eugh 🤦‍♀️

[@abor1males]

I literally do everything in the house while my dusty bum dad does nothing!! I am sick and tired of it

[@Mavaros90]

​@@Laura-Yuthat's normal. Most men feel loved by physical touch. Most women feel loved by acts of service.

[@patty-pat-pat]

@@Laura-Yu Ive downloaded a dating app a few days ago (ugh) 90% of men have 'physical touch' as love language. That's not love....

[@saiyamoru]

My dad is in his seventies and has used weaponized incompetence his entire life to make my mom take care of him. He literally had to call me at one point when she went on vacation to ask how to turn on the stovetop in order to heat up canned soup. He is the main divisive problem in the family because he makes my mom miserable, and my sister refuses to be around him. Both of us want our mom to leave him. Never become a man's mommy-gf thinking he'll 'grow out of it', HE WON'T.

[@grassgeese3916]

I wished my parents woulda split up too. I hope u are out or get out soon. Life is way better after leaving bad families

[@artistrg3487]

Same here 🙄

[@thecrazygooseofyourdreams4785]

I have to suffer through something similar, but my mom reinforces him

[@esther_inbloom]

Don't be cruel to your Mother. The conditioning, and brainwashing is real. I have been trying to change my ideas after so many years of marriage. If I can understand, and sympathize with other women, so can you. The abuse hollows you out.

[@saiyamoru]

@@esther_inbloom Don't worry! Neither my sister nor myself are being cruel to my mother when we hear her say 'I wish I had divorced him years ago' and agree. She won't do it now because she believes she's too old to find another partner, and doesn't want to be alone. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, but both my sister and I have expressed that if she made that decision, we would support her. She's much happier when he's not around and she's well aware of that fact. 😟💔

[@bubblgvmbch]

how are men gonna get a woman pregnant, and still expect her to do emotional AND physical labor, and even when HIS OWN CHILD is born, he still doesn't wanna parent. another type of rage builds inside the depths of my soul whenever i hear about FATHERS COMPLAINING about BEING A F*CKING PARENT.

[@fburnsDubstepEnderFox]

Those same men scream about single mothers ruining society and how fathers are necessary. 🎻😢😂

[@chickensalad3535]

@@aleks-wy6ufThis isn’t the case at all.

[@bubblgvmbch]

@@fburnsDubstepEnderFox RIGHT LMFAOO 😂😂

[@Asterisk.17]

​@@aleks-wy6uf Be gone troll

[@ayomidedareabel5525]

​@@aleks-wy6ufmen like you are the same people who wonder why your kids don't give af about you

[@jobunny919]

This includes hygiene. The amount of women who come out and say their man doesn't even wipe their ass correctly anymore but still expect sex is insane.

[@legslikewhoa]

😮 🤢

[@calmingbabysleep1256]

😂😮

[@LucilleDesmoulins]

This was 100% my ex-husband. He couldn't do the bare minimum, in hygiene or anything, for himself post-divorce, and ended up dying alone.

[@Zuzzamma]

WHAT-

[@buckyyyb]

there’s a horror story from a tiktok comment section talking about lack of male hygiene I’ll never forget. A lady and her “man” did the dirty on her white couch, and he left shit stains

[@AndreiTraieste]

The “making the milk too hot” comment. Imagine being willing to hurt your newborn just so you can continue to be lazy. Sick

[@mariec3527]

Well just remember the recent news story of the dad who left his 2 year old child in a hot car while he went inside to play video games

[@forlornhauntedghost]

​@@mariec3527that was sad, poor baby 😢

[@shanayekh9345]

I have something to say about all these men who are too tired to help after work. I’ve been a corporate girly for over a DECADE and let me tell you that a lot of men aren’t working that hard. A lot of them (especially in leadership positions) have assistants, coordinators, administrators, and managers doing the hard labor. Many men go to work just to sit in unnecessary meetings, take unnecessary calls, go to lunch, comb through emails and then go home “drained”. So not tryna hear that. And for the no nuance Nellies - I said “a lot” and “many” NOT all

[@FeminineDiary]

This! I used to be an admin assistant at a couple of different companies and…I was doing data analysis and crunching numbers for these guys (waaay above my pay grade and education level. 🥴) A lot of men in the C-suite or even middle management “delegate” the majority of their tasks, even tasks that shouldn’t be completed by people with less education/experience. 👀🤷‍♀️

[@ohanaohana8844]

💯 Don't forget that they leave work early too. I know a lot of them do this and don't even tell their wives. They're somewhere hanging out, "unwinding" from their "stressful" day. These jobs are an escape for many males. They get to hang out and BS with co workers. They stay late to avoid coming home to their wife and kids.

[@RonkeStation]

Do NOT forget most of them that keep their jobs spend most of their time watching what other people do and gossip (mainly the competent people) so they can get them fired, in order to keep said job. They also complain about having to go home to their family.

[@gladitsnotme]

2 hour lunches!

[@fatemad4012]

Can you say what is data analyst?​@@FeminineDiary

[@GalaxyTrucker]

I'm a happily married woman and would like to share some advice with the rest of the class. Your spouse should be able to take full responsibility and ownership of household tasks. For example. my husband is responsible for our laundry. That means washing them, setting them to dry, ironing our work clothes and finally putting everything back to their right place neatly. No nagging, micro managing or prompting from me is needed. Clean clothes, towels and bed sheets materialize without my involvement. Men are perfectly capable of doing domestic labor, please don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise.

[@haroldharold9042]

Same with my husband. He makes my life easier, not harder. ❤

[@arcanineryu]

My dad always did dishes and laundry my whole life and it's in no small part why my parents are still married. Even as kids we were being taught to try and split housework fairly between us and parents and make sure that regardless of gender, we could all do the different house chores as needed. With the one exception being mom not doing chores that would risk straining her back like pulling weeds or taking out the garbage.

[@nurlindafsihotang49]

Amen.

[@videoettaceo8900]

That's awesome.

[@anonymous101-sb1bf]

Facts your husband gets it.... I've heard women say don't nag & he will do it... Um you shouldn't have to ask for that basic stuff

[@intellextualweq3830]

How men weaponize incompetence especially when a baby comes is real. My sister’s husband tried that with her and my sister is so savage that she convinced him to get a nanny and a housekeeper because taking care of the baby, the house, and herself became so much. Then he decided to step up because he didn’t want to come out his pockets. It’s so sad that you have to try to beat them at their own game for them to step up.

[@dorothyvalter-brown1251]

the "wait until you are pregnant to show themselves" hits so hard. My husband wasn't great before but I was so happy to compensate that I didn't notice. The second I was pregnant things flipped. He threw tantrums, he would only take care of himself, I had horrible morning sickness and had to go to hospital multiple times for dehydration, but he wouldn't even wash my clothes because I couldn't so I would go to work in dirty, stale clothes until my morning sickness eased. After the twins were born it got worse, he played video games non stop for months, he dropped both babies at least once each (it still makes me sick to think about) he would storm out and slam doors because the babies were crying too much etc etc the kids are 4 now and they tell me they want daddy to live in another house because he's scary. I'm getting out with assistance from a DV group and I am taking him for all I can get because he has used me as free labour AND an income stream for almost a decade and I'm done.

[@dorothyvalter-brown1251]

also thank you for mentioning the issue with women getting punished on the internet for considering staying. I stayed as long as I have because I didn't want the kids to possibly live in poverty. Because I didn't want to have to face possibly rehoming all my pets because I couldn't afford to keep them despite having the animals longer than the relationship. I'm moving on now because I got legal advice and was told that I would be more than eligible to get the money from him legally that I needed to support my children's lifestyle and keep my animals. If that had been bad news, I would have probably gone back to trying to figure out how to survive the relationship to keep the kids and animals paid for.

[@ladywartooth]

You're a sweetheart. I hope everything goes well for you from now on ❤

[@annak804]

Best wishes for you hun you and your babies

[@Yendor1224]

Wait, he dropped the children?!

[@dorothyvalter-brown1251]

@@Yendor1224 yes. I did all the changing and work but the rare times he changed them, each twin had one occasion where they would ‘mysteriously’ roll off the change mat. Despite them never falling when I changed them. The stuff he’s done has been neglectful at best. To me they’ve been literally criminal. But it was him assaulting me and my 4 year olds saying “daddy scares us we want to live with you” that made me finally leave

[@reginageorgetownuni]

Men be like this and have the audacity to ask "what do you bring to the table?" 🤢

[@rowantic6539]

Because these men only take from the table.

[@elenalizabeth]

Makes me think of Paris Paloma music video “Labour” (about emotional labour and all the thankless things women do daily but that men expect to get thanked for doing even once)

[@reginageorgetownuni]

@@crestfire8008 yup. Nailed it sis 👏

[@missrebel634]

„I don’t know, why did you approach me in the first place.“

[@shaolinqueen3684]

An invoice sir! That's what I'll bring to the table.

[@Bazaruto2830]

The most lonely I've ever felt is sharing my home and resources with someone who doesn't appreciate it. Never again.

[@charsta2072]

Me currently and moving to a house in her name I'm talking to my grandma about moving out with my stuff and driving cross country with nothing at all by my car and clothes

[@matildaomondi3551]

Never again sweetheart

[@astralovesbooks]

I feel this deeply, I understand.

[@Abishhhhh]

i want out so bad :') i hate my fucking life

[@corsetedwasteland2630]

I'm the breadwinner and I do the majority of household labor. I work 7 days a week and still have to come home and do housework at midnight. I'm so f+cking lonely and depressed and he doesn't even notice. My children (11,13 &15) noticed and told their dad (my ex husband), who had also already noticed, he called me to tell me I deserve better and bro I lost my sh*t. 😭 Idk what to do anymore.

[@audreyquinn73]

I was with my partner for 7 years when my dad died unexpectedly. We flew from NZ to LA together, and the next morning (and, remember, my whole family was in shock), I came into the kitchen to overhear my partner say to my mother, "I do expected her(me) to be the bread-winner. She (me) is so good at everything." My partner anticipated a life where I gave birth to our future children AND made the majority of our money. WTHF?! And, my dad had just died. That was 18 years ago. I'm still single, aged 51 now, and I'm so grateful that we broke up because I seriously dodged a bullet. "If a man is happy that you're overworked, ...he is enjoying your suffering." Too accurate. The 4Bs are onto something here, girlies! ❤

[@KL-yg3ii]

Hypothetically speaking, if my future husband flips the script and does not want to help with the household or with the kids, I will just tell him to work harder to afford a nanny or a maid 🤷‍♀️ if all he wants to do is provide, get to providing. Two can play at that game.

[@audreydoyle5268]

Exactly. My asking price is $500k if they want me to be a SAHM, comes with the benefits to him of: breakfast lunch and dinner, clean house, groceries sorted, budgeting, nursing and childcare. He can do his own laundry. Adults do their own washing. I'll be scrubbing 25 cloth nappies minimum a day, and preparing most foods from scratch. I won't have time to do the laundry for an adult. But first I'll say $520k as my price, if he pushes back, I'll say, "ok, let's negotiate. If I do your laundry, I want to be paid $600k. If you do your own laundry like an adult, you may pay me $500k,". That way, I'm still getting my bare minimum. But 500k gives me sick leave to pay for a nanny, my share of the rent, health insurance, savings and whatever I want to buy for my children and myself.

[@CordeliaWagner1999]

Why get married at all? That's so backwards and worthless.

[@Someone-qi1rr]

​@@CordeliaWagner1999cause some people want an official and more secure relationship. I am a virgin and wouldn't dare to have sex with anyone until I am married. It's too much risk.

[@mastersnet18]

@@AA_AlegriaApenasif you wanted to live in a city like Boston or NYC $500k is reasonable.

[@HauntedCadaver]

​@@CordeliaWagner1999asking the right question for 2024 😂

[@christelle9122]

My dad grew up with a sick mother and had to take care of household chores very early on in his life. As a result, he is a well-rounded guy and he has been sharing the household tasks with my mom for the last 50! years. I never heard them fight over it. When he's living alone for a couple of days at our family cottage, he makes sure that it's perfectly clean when my mom shows up. He's a great cook and thoroughly enjoys feeding the whole family. It can be a real pleasure for men to take care of us. I expect nothing less in my relationships.

[@haroldharold9042]

Yes! Good men enjoy it. My husband does all the cooking and more than his fair share of cleaning. It’s nice!

[@ARS-fn6px]

So moms need to use weaponized incompetence against their sons 😂

[@Beebz29]

If your parents have been together for 50! years then they older than the earth itself (I’m sorry, it’s a shitty math joke)

[@Joyful_Smiles]

Same! But my Granny raised my Dad specifically to take care of a wife and family. He quotes her to this day and my parents have been married for over 5 decades.

[@traditionalwoman5648]

And then they wonder why a woman wants to divorce her husband. She is alone in that relationship when she has to do everything herself.

[@astraamarante6233]

And then take care of a man-baby. So many single mothers for this reason, the just have to take care of another child.

[@KristinaHuegelOnStage]

Just beginning the video, but it occurred to me just now that if you want to know if an act a man is being praised for is the bare minimum, change the gender of the person being praised and see if it sounds ridiculous. I.e., a mom at the park with their child: "Wow what a great mom, helping out with childcare", "So great that she's babysitting her kids", etc. If it sounds ridiculous, it's probably the bare minimum (also, being a present parent full-stop is something to be praised, regardless of gender 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Moms deserve way more praise and support than they usually receive, in general)

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

For the ladies in the back 🙏🏻 ✨ amen!

[@CambieSweets]

Sadly, patriarchy has stripped women of their humanity by reinforcing women are innate nurturers whose sole purpose is to raise children/domestic work. Yes, more women should be praised for being a present parent.

[@strawberrytiramisu]

@@CambieSweetsright? And I keep seeing men put down single mothers. Like dude, I rarely see single fathers being attacked. I think it’s admirable to be the only present parent in raising a child. One parent is better than two with one being shitty.

[@strawberrytiramisu]

@@BrookeaCookea in this day and age, that’s no longer an excuse. Both women and men have to work in order to so much as survive and keep their families afloat. Yet I still see women doing so much work at home AND at their job in comparison to men. The only people with stay at home wives are wealthy these days. And even then, those women keep the house up unless they’re loaded enough to hire help.

[@DJC819]

So true

[@MyBlackPumpkinSoup]

Weaponized incompetence is the deadliest poison to any and all relationships. Nobody wants people who play dumb when they need to act like adults, not as love interests, not as friends, not as anything. Lets do what Elle teaches us and stop being the teachers, the tutorials for this grownass dudes ❤

[@lookaroundyou8108]

Women must always consider that there is the option of leaving the man they're dating before even dating him, we are always scared and hesitant to do so even when it hurts the woman, because we always feel guilty about leaving the man, women please put yourselves first, these men will only ruin you and still be ungrateful, the option to leave is always yours to make, never feel guilty for saving yourself from a bad situation, you'd tell your friend or daughter to leave if she was in your place. you got this, Good luck girls. 👏🙏

[@MyBlackPumpkinSoup]

@@moderngoblin Dude, and when have I or Elle asked for men to do something like this? Plus, I do agree with you on one thing: Men arent begging women, they are still DEMANDING those babies, maid services and other stuff from women. They take those as a 'given'. Any adult feels icky in a dirty house, but only a functional adult will do the cleaning while the other Will, like a child, beneffit from It. But go clean other's people messes all you want, Misha. Be their parent and not their partner, It Will work for sure

[@AmericanDreamer]

exactly!! @@MyBlackPumpkinSoup

[@matildaomondi3551]

AMEN SISTA😍

[@abiean222]

on one hand, i just don't understand wanting to have sex with someone who is basically a child and on the other, if someone can't figure out how to wash the dishes, can you even trust them to handle something more complex like a kitchen fire or medical emergency? to me, incompetence (weaponized or not) is nothing more then a blaring alarm saying "you can't trust me to do anything!" and who wants to be with someone when you can't trust or rely on them?

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

When I had the flu, my husband doted on me - he made a medicine caddy, and set up a cooler with ice cold water bottles, and a trash bin next to my bedside. He set up a humidifier with essential oils and Vicks vapor pads. He made sure I was taken care of, made me food, herbal tea, and monitored my temp. He loved me with his actions - the same I would do for him (have done) tho he rarely gets sick. We were discussing if we want to have kids starting in 2025 and I mentioned the good and bad behavior I’ve seen with my sister’s bf/baby daddy. I said certain conditions must be met for our household and I know he will be a good father, I made it clear he would be the co-parent… I would for sure need self-care days. He gets it - thankfully he gets every other Friday off at his current job so we’ve mulled over how we can tag team raising a family that is fair and good. That’s good partner vibes ✨ let him open doors and carry heavy things for you. My husband knows I am capable and independent AND I choose to rely on him and give so much just as he provides for our household.

[@handsanitizer5127]

I have the flu, too 😢. can y'all come help me 🥺? Lol in seriousness, y'all are lucky to have each other 🙌🏽🙌🏽

[@RonkeStation]

Things can change when you have a baby. Sounds like you do not work that can become very dangerous for you once you are pregnant. A man can still be a controlling prick and still dot over you.

[@automatic5]

​​@@redleeks6253im sorry, but thats simply not the case for all men. and im not the type to say Not All Men, but some men are really just built to be providers. tho id assume theyre exceedingly rare. i dont think men are hardwired any specific type of way in this regard. regardless, if women can control themselves, men should be held to the same standard, despite whatever "reward system" the primal part their psychology are speculated to have

[@RonkeStation]

@@automatic5 It is most men. Unless he is rooted Spiritually to the creator he will have too much temptation in this fallen world to go astray. It is important as woman, a person too, not rely on a man. Even my grandpa who did not ever cheat told me that.

[@wanderlustoceans8205]

Be extremely careful about this and considerate it do not be blinded by nice gesture men are extremely great as acting and tricking, they do know what women loves to hear and feel, I had several males that took care of me when I got sick and after I moved with those type of guys(fell for this 3 time what a fool of me) they showed their true nature of how vile and abusive they are and one time I got so sick from stress in one in these bf's home that he did not took care of me like when he did when I wasn't living with him and screamed at me I was a burden and that I should clean the house even though I barely could stand up, I learned that theres the saying "you will get helped as long as is beneficial for themselves" theres also baby trapping lots of mothers been tricked by the man that was nice with them until baby were born and the men immediately changed after they won the place and has 100% control now. Men nature biology is power, control and reproduce and we see that through history is never gonna change is how they are. Just think about it dont do a mistake that you will ever regret it and cannot turn back you always have to have control and guard up with males.

[@nini6619]

Any women that has a little brother should know how to recognize weaponized Incompetence.

[@unrulycrow6299]

My twin brother tried to pull it on me ONCE and I immediately yelled at him, when he complained my mom hammered it down with "you deserve that yelling" lol he never tried again

[@blahblahblahbryce]

Why would feminists think this is an ungrateful take? This whole video is actually a feminist take.

[@Raddiebaddie]

That’s what I was thinking too

[@ccchat8]

Exactly!

[@TheLunablackheart]

As a feminist who's been enjoying this feminist content, I agree. I think you can start attracting a weird crowd/putting out a bad message if you're gonna talking bad about feminists, because you degrade a whole movement that came into existence to fight for the rights of women. All of Elle's videos are about female empowerment. I hope she realises that feminism is not a bad word or a bad thing. Aligning oneself with people who hate on feminism is like,, a step in the direction of all the podcast bros who shit talk women and anything they do - which I'm not at all saying Elle does, but why say something that'd get you associated with that crowd of hateful men?

[@marina3934]

Idk, some feminists are very pro-equality (my sister is one and we got into an argument about splitting the bill on the first date- I of course didn’t believe women should do that, especially after hearing Elle’s opinion on it, my sister felt otherwise) and things like that- working while being a mom, things that aren’t very pro-woman. So a lot of Elle’s beliefs are feminist, but it’s a different brand of feminism. I like it call it womanism (although I think there’s another movement called that already)

[@yeayeayeah933]

As a radical feminist, this woman is one of the most insightful women on gender relations I've ever seen. I think the feminists she's saying would accuse her of being "ungrateful" are what are called "choice/liberal feminists." These are the feminists that make so much stink about "50/50" relationships, Those Other Feminists being evil because they supposedly don't allow men to cry and are big meanies who don't advocate for men too, and half the time, seem way more like Men's Right's Activists than advocates for women with their "Feminism is for EVERYONE!!!" And of course, support the porn industry.

[@nerdisaur]

As someone who’s parents stayed together “for the kids”, don’t bother. Seeing both your parents miserable 24/7 fucks you up way more than having to swap houses once a week

[@idontknowmyname1339]

Same

[@onajideshou3345]

Couldn't agree more. I had a terrible childhood and always wished my mother would leave him. It hurts even more when my mother who is suffering because of him, takes his side whenever I show my hatred towards the way he treats her. She scolds me for being ungrateful to my father even though they are always quarrelling with each other for the same reasons. I always felt stupid and betrayed, helpless to do anything.

[@astraamarante6233]

My parents were separated before I was born. My sister talked about how when they were together, my mom would go through all his stuff without permission and that they would yell at each other all the time and that one time he shut her in the closet (not for very long) just to get his stuff straight. I no longer felt bad about being born after they separated.

[@personneici2595]

The "help but fuck things up" tactic was what my ex husband did. He claimed it wasn't on purpose but I honestly have no idea anymore. Don't even settle for the genuinely incompetent. They're just as abusive and rage filled when you've finally had enough as the ones who do it on purpose.

[@astraamarante6233]

If he did it often enough, it was definitely on purpose.

[@marajones1828]

My disabled autistic fiance does more than all these men. If he wanted to, he would. My fiance goes above and beyond and us always searching for areas he can do more and step up. He's so caring, mindful and helpful. He's motivated to be better and learn! We have the best dynamic and it feels like a team. I feel so bad for these woman and my fiance is appalled by what these men do (or don't do).

[@matildaomondi3551]

love, love and more love!!!!!😍😍😍😍😍😍

[@treekritter7522]

Yes, my partner is a good father and does a lot to help me and our little family ❤ it feels like teamwork, like he's my best friend and someone i trust the most.

[@Cash4Fruit]

My brother is autistic and has ocd and would make the SWEETEST bf (though he only gets SSI for income) he meticulously cleans and asks my mom if she needs help with anything, is so thoughtful when it comes to holidays and spends whatever money he has on gifts for others. He is very social and checks in with people, from distant family, members to old classmates. One of my goals in life is to create a business and to employ him because I know he would be the hardest worker. He just doesn’t really understand the formalities of corporate work culture, therefore can’t hold a job.

[@sayma8343]

that's so cute 🥹

[@cloudypolly22]

The weaponized incompetence is a deal breaker for me. I cannot see myself being married to an enemy parasite who's doing his best to profit from me and do as little as possible. It's better to stay single forever than this.

[@ARS-fn6px]

But they do it after youre committed and invested in them. Thats the problem.

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

@@ARS-fn6px No they don’t. Most of the time the signs are there, but lots of women ignore them, or put up with them because they don’t want to be alone. It’s rare that someone flips the script with no warning after marriage and kids. That’s why most people admit that they knew their partner wasn’t good, but still married them.

[@mollygrace3068]

@ARS-fn6px That’s why you need to observe them before you marry them, move in with them, or get pregnant by them. Observe how they clean their own space, wash themselves, interact with children, interact with women, etc. Watch them when you visit their homes for holidays. Do they sit on the couch with the other men, while all the women work? If you want to put in the investment of talking to them about or even teaching them skills, YHIS is the time to do it. Make sure they can demonstrate competence before cohabitation, marriage, or pregnancy (and I would argue that means sex.)

[@FeminineDiary]

My advice for dealing with weaponized incompetence: stop plugging the gaps. About to run out of toilet paper? Oh well. Keep some in your purse for yourself and don’t replenish. You get the idea. Don’t break the stalemate (usually women do because we tend to have a lower tolerance for disarray). Look cute and be relaxed the entire time and he can’t be too mad 🤭😉.

[@yarion4774]

That somewhat works depending on the circumstances. But considering anything in a relationship in warlike terminology is... not particularly helpful. You are a partner, and so is he. Also, as you said, if you have a lower tolerance for disarray and just go quiet about issues that means your partner will think everything's fine and go on about his day. I think the underlying issue with so called weaponized incompetence is that it's difficult to spot when being inadequat with chores is being intentional or just him being unable to reach your perceived standard of normal. Most men want to be appreciated because they are conditioned by western society that only a functioning and providing man has value. So that's what they want to do. If you ask him to fold the laundry, he will do it. He might be inexperienced in it, though. So if he doesn't meet your standard of folding technique and criticize him for it, you are communicating to him that he was inadequate and don't appreciate his contribution. At first that won't be an issue. But if this happens all the time for all kinds pf different things, men will not be frustrated but just resign. You can do it better. Him touching stuff will be inadequat, so why bother? The intent is not to deceive you into doing all the housework. He is either trying to protect himself subconsciously from feeling like a failure or genuinely thinks that it's just inefficiebt if he folds laundry. Becazse you have to then spend energy being frustrated with his work and might have to redo it anyways. Obviously this is a broad representation. But please talk about this stuff with your partner.

[@FeminineDiary]

@@yarion4774 it’s not war-like terminology. If you proactively solve everyone’s problems, they will never realize that problem even exists. By doing this you are actually ROBBING your masculine partner the opportunity to be your hero (in ordinary ways). Never did I say anything about criticizing his performance of a task after you ask him to do it. Nagging does not work and is frustrating for both parties. Stepping back so he can step up - then showing appreciation - does.

[@haroldharold9042]

This is good advice for a roommate or coworker situation, but if it’s someone you’re in a relationship with? Just leave. If he’s pulling this he’s either stupid, manipulative, or both, and those are not qualities you want in a mate.

[@Andrea-ue7gv]

@@yarion4774or you could just stop being a pick-me instead of centering your life around what men want and bending over backwards to make them feel appreciated 😂

[@asafoetidajones8181]

You might just find out that their standards aren't yours, and they're genuinely happy that you've seemingly relaxed and become more reasonable.

[@aswithinsowithout]

You really are wise. I’m 50. I now have the outrageously loving and present husband. My first husband did not care about me or our four beautiful children. I watch your videos to remember and so that I can be clear with my daughter. She knows how a man should be by seeing my current husband. Ladies, listen to this young lady with uncommon wisdom.

[@matildaomondi3551]

period hunnie!!!!!

[@sayma8343]

I'm glad things worked out for you 💕💕💕

[@jennymichelle2573]

The biggest red flag is him telling you to stop watching “videos like this” I’ll drop you before I drop this empowerment !

[@be3p]

bro would tell me stop watching reddit videos about cheating or stuff, when all the comments was just everyone being like aw poo what a stinky cheater here’s all the signs i noticed, and surprise he was doing it and that’s why he was so defensive

[@YuximaMax]

It's a cycle that never ends. He'll resent you for "nagging" about him not doing basic home labor but will also be offended if you take his lack of effort as pure ignorance. You can only win by simply not doing the work youself. Let him see what happens when NOBODY puts in the effort that's needed. All I ask for is that the children are okay at the end of the day. They shouldn't have to suffer because some men refuse to be parents (or even adults for that matter).

[@user-qu5js9vw9o]

But then what do you do

[@nunnunnunyabizzie2345]

Imo leaving the mess doesn't work. They will happily be pigs and sit in their own filth. This issue needs to be confronted at the start. Always set rules and boundaries hard at the start of a relationship. Once you start seeing them slip, like nip in the bud hard early on, you sit down and have a calm talk about how it's important to you. If he is a good man he will be accomodating. Any pushback, he's just waiting to weaponise and once he's got you trapped with marriage and baby, you're now Mrs. Bangmaid. Stipulate your dealbreakers early, make sure they're taken very seriously, dip at the first sign that he's not going to accomodate and be consistent.

[@CordeliaWagner1999]

Or just break up. A man that refuses to act like an adult is worthless. I wouln't move in with a man. Especially when you don't know him good enough.

[@ishaalimtiaz6715]

The problem with the idea you mentioned is... some don't even care. "Who cares if our house looks dirty and unlivable? I won't do anything about it. It's not like it's gonna kill me.""

[@MrCynthis]

@@ishaalimtiaz6715 my most recent ex started saying 'your standards are unreasonable!! This is fine!' when I would not clean for a few days and the entire house would be trashed. Like no, needing dishes done before all of the kitchen benches are all full and we have no clean cups is not unreasonable. Won't be putting up with that kind of assholery again

[@Kira-Roses]

"Stop being with men that hate you". Forreal. I really enjoy your input on dating and how you prioritize lifting women up while being straightforward. Thank you!

[@istudysuccess]

“You’re not an equal opportunity dater.” This is an affirmation! ❤ thank you, Elle!

[@laurennelson3918]

The guys sure aren’t so why should you? Everyone has standards in partners and you shouldn’t be an exception. Stay safe and don’t let someone turn you into their free combination dish,clothes,house cleaner that cooks dinner, pays half the bills, and puts up with his disrespect. They will grow to not appreciate what you do for them and complain when you ask them to do man’s work around the house.

[@istudysuccess]

@@laurennelson3918 Indeed! You are so correct! Thank you. 🤍

[@RonkeStation]

I have an older brother who does this weaponized incompetence. He has been doing it our whole adult lives. He weaponized his incompetence even against our mother. I just learned a few things here from Manifestelle that I will be using. However, I will tell you from my childhood experience with a male like this do NOT stay in a marriage like this especially with children. Do like they advise DV women and create an escape plan. If you stay your male child will end up like my older brother and your daughters may or may not end up with a husband just like that.

[@katechipata9934]

I have an older brother who is the same way. He had 2 kids from his marriage and his spouse got a divorce from him after 8 yrs. My toxic ex shared many traits with him. Stingy, lazy, arrogant, mean, manipulative etc.

[@eleisatrujillo3398]

😢 exactly what I've been living. I wish I was educated about this 20-40 years ago and then I would have known that I could have done better for myself and my son who could have had a good father instead of his biological one

[@chrystianaw8256]

Younger brothers are the same

[@jiliciar.1423]

@@redleeks6253 I didn't read your whole comment but toxic boy moms have been discused on youtube.

[@fattunicorns]

It doesn’t matter who the man is always, always always have “run money” I’ve watched enough true crime to know that Men will wait 10 years before they decide to beat you. You can never fully trust a man- not if you love yourself.

[@xletragedyx]

From a 36 year old woman, listen to Elle! "Be market ready" is good advice. Keep your resume updated. Took me like 31 years to figure this out, and once I did, I met the perfect man for me. Cut and run, spoiled girlies, once he shows that he doesn't care about you. Never be trapped!

[@itsmissyd7]

My ex was like this. He has only seen his kids twice last year but always expected endless praise and thanks for "babysitting" his own children. Even when we lived together and I was doing all the cooking, cleaning, and child raising. Some men don't want a wife. They want another mom and want to act like a toddler that you have to raise.

[@ladywolfwolf]

My husband always wanted praise for washing dishes. Ok... I asked him to go to the spare bedroom closet, and get that box off the shelf. All of my trophies for dishwashing are in there. I told him to pick out any one of them that he wants.

[@somer0703]

😂😂😂😂

[@The_Super_NOVA]

Oldest child here! This whole video is so relatable! Most of my life, my dad had a tech job and worked from home over the phone. Yet he still sat around every evening and weekend while my mom did ALL the housework after homeschooling us kids all day. He raised my brother to be the same way: sit around all day, make messes, and expect my mom to feed him, clean up after him, and clothe him. My mom cleaned his room for him and made all his meals. My dad demanded that I keep my room spotless and help mom in the kitchen. He has always been extremely controlling over my mom. He gives her a grocery allowance, dictates where she goes outside the house and how often, and even forbids her from cutting her hair "too short'. Then he has the audacity to shame me for wanting nothing to with men EVER. Men mean control, limitations, captivity. Once I got out of my dad's house, there was no way I would ever give up my freedom.

[@The_Super_NOVA]

@@Madamoizillion yeah it took me years to wake up to that fact but I know now. It's been trippy looking back at my growing up with my eyes open. Thank you. But for now I think the only thing I can do without rocking the boat is to be free myself and to bring my mom on little trips for a breath of fresh air.

[@legrandluan]

​@@The_Super_NOVAi hope your situation improves :D

[@mudandglitter1609]

The best thing I learned from my first marriage was how important it was to be with someone who is self-sufficient. Being with a man, like my current husband (#2), who has lived alone, knows how to cook and do laundry, and wants to just live a great life by working together is what makes life better. I don't know how to determine which men these are until we are older and they have proven themselves....

[@melissarose888]

My brother learned this at home before he was old enough to live alone.

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

Yes my husband cooks for himself (I cook for both of us a few times a week when I want to) and he does his own laundry. He does dishes and mops the floors when he can (at least a few times per week). I have a tidy rotation each week I focus on bc I work part-time/from home. Sometimes I put his laundry when I’m feeling it and have a moment but that’s like twice a year and he APPRECIATES that like it’s a big deal bc we’re fairly independent with our chores.

[@kylaarmstrong-benjamin8066]

So my bestie was dealing with an incompetent husband and was so stressed out all the time trying to do everything on her own, because he just kept letting her down when he was "helping" and she felt like such a nagging bitch every day! Because she has to tell him over and over again what she needs from him, but he either does it wrong or not at ALL! He said "why is it, that all you ever do is complain?" Her answer: why is it, that all you ever do is F**K SH*T UP?“

[@peacelove7437]

Yep my best friend stays married to one now. She knows if she leaves he’ll be homeless or be living with his mom 😢 She definitely deserves better.

[@divx1001]

My ex took 5 years after living together to finally start putting the knives in the dishwasher with their blades down instead of up. He did it after I finally cut myself while unloading it. Yet warning him about it for 5 years was always met with "stop nagging on me, I was taught to do it this way, there's nothing wrong with it" or one of his favourite phrases "I never got hurt doing this for 25 years, what's the problem?" 🤦🤦🤦

[@jiliciar.1423]

Uh I don't think that the feminist will think that you're ungrateful, it's the pick me's. I'm glad I listened to this video. Edit: Okay thanks to the replys I know she meant the "feminazies".

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

No fr if anything it's usually feminists that want guys to do the household work as well

[@roxassora2706]

Yeah.

[@NellyMacharia]

​@@roxassora2706I was confused about that statement

[@aurora8749]

Right! Im a feminist and I love this channel

[@aditikhare1784]

​@@aurora8749 Me too. I am a feminist too and love this channel. I think Elle refers to feminazis

[@coolbreeze5683]

When a literal clown/mime has more maturity than you do, you know you're a below bare minimum guy 😂 these guys really are goofs!

[@unrulycrow6299]

That mime IS a good man lol putting this guy on blast like that is king behaviour

[@gracieofgod8899]

I’m hoping it was a “parent-brain” moment and not a regular habit for this guy.

[@AmandaMG6]

I work in courtrooms. Women literally lose their children to DHS due to their incompetent husbands. If they can't do their classes that they are assigned or keep a job or provide for their families, the mom will lose her kids! Just had one this week - five kids in two different foster homes. The mom messed up - she was not market ready. She relied on him.

[@fatemad4012]

Why kids are not with dad?

[@Kayprofessor]

5 kids? How’s that mom supposed to be market ready though

[@overtiredcuh]

Guessing the court has gender biased judgement

[@Dani-Claw]

​@@fatemad4012I'm guessing the courts saw him as incapable of care, too, especially since he sabotaged the place

[@AmandaMG6]

@@Dani-Claw yep. He was the "problem" in the first place. Addictions and irresponsibility cost them everything

[@macjrc]

I’ve been married for a long time and I’m learning to not ask if he will unload the dishes for ME I now say unload it for US! Also trying to stop saying thank you when he makes the bed or takes the trash out. He’s not thanking me for every damn little thing I do and I would think it’s weird anyway- ( well maybe it would be nice) however, I DO say “ oh that’s nice that that chore is done”

[@MrsLadyLiberty]

My partner thanks me and it does feel nice. Like he will cook and if I get to the dishes before him, he thanks me. There's no expectation that I'm going to do X because he did Y. But yes it does feel weird because it's so far from what I've experienced and witnessed but it's a good weird!

[@Zuzzamma]

Feels like y'all just flow and get yourself naturally, and that is how it truly should be- happy for ya!❤​@@MrsLadyLiberty

[@shaolinqueen3684]

This is a good take on this

[@goliathtigerfishes]

This is such a breath of fresh air. I keep hearing the guys around me talk about how women want to be "pampered" with dinners. PAMPERED?? It is the bare minimum! If a girl wanted to be pampered, she'd ask for a spa day, new makeup/clothes, something actually nice. Yeah, dinners are nice, but are the bare minimum.

[@beewest5704]

Its also important to see how your guy's mom does things. Is she the one running around while everybody sit around. Does she clean after everybody. Met a man who grew up with his mom doing everything ( & ran her own business). His dad seriously had no idea where the glasses were when I asked for a glass of water. His wife quickly went out & that man opened 6 cabinets to get a glass in his own damn house. The guy I was dating at the time was good at helping me out. When we talked abt marriage he said he would like his wife to take care of him like his mom. He never made a cup of coffee, got a drink or food in his house. He would just tell his mom & she would do that. I noped out. He married another girl who divorced him after 4 years after she ended up hospitalised for a month with exhaustion.

[@AmericanDreamer]

wow,,, talk about dodging the bullet

[@lindsaypeek63]

Wow good for you! And nice to share this story for other ladies

[@senojoy12473]

So much this! It took for me to live with my guy and his mom to truly understand their dynamic. And it was also at that time that I realized he could never show up for me the way that I needed because he still relies on his mother way too much. Like there's no way you can show up for me as a fully functioning, independent, self sufficient adult if you're still feeling entitled to your mother treating you like a child.

[@thirteennumbers6095]

This advice is so important and so true. Take the rose tinted glasses off and observe no matter how much you like/love them.

[@tarotbhudevi]

I need to rewatch this video and even write it down! My ex did all of these things. Pretended affection untill he was sure he got me. After I burned my bridges he flipped the script and he did it gradually. I swear you can't even believe their actions, for they can "act right" untill they got you. And they hate us, deep inside, they do. He was so malicious towards me, all behind the closed doors.

[@saraaguayo-aponte9014]

I was an only child, but was highly parentified due to the family’s situation. I feel being drawn to acts of service men so much!

[@月亮-g5f]

Omg sis I had the same thing happened to me. This malicious hateful two faced men will get their karma back. Hope you are vibing and thriving now!

[@Rantiyya]

Hi, here’s a proud spoiled girly who finally found courage to actually step away from that below bare minimum low effort man since 3 years ago. Looking back while listening to you, and i feel so satisfiying and proud. Your whole video is only make me wayy more proud to my self that i’ve come so far❤

[@MrsLadyLiberty]

I'm proud of you, too. Spoiled girlies unite! 🎉

[@kirstinekarlsen3085]

Yay that’s so good for you! I also just stepped away from three years with a man in his divine feminine energy ✨ and I feel so much better now! So proud of us and here’s to being a spoiled girly 🥂

[@Rantiyya]

Ahh you guys are so sweet 🥰. If only the real life friends is vibing like in here. Most of them unfortunately are pick me or people pleaser

[@buckyyyb]

trying to get there now myself ❤ it’s so so hard, but im so SICK of the worry I make myself ill with. I just want to stop caring and be happy ❤ it’s so encouraging to read this. And see that 3 years later you’re thriving, it makes me feel like I can do it!

[@aweddemigod9956]

Yes!!!! 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤

[@propainaccessories]

Women didn't just get a bag because they were bored at home, some men with INSUFFERABLE with and without money. Women had to secure their own lifestyle for not only themselves but their children. Men are upset that making money isn't a quality of a good man anymore. It the quality of being an adult.

[@chariotfortuna]

Truth

[@HandleUnclear]

To be fair bringing in money has always been the quality of being an adult for the majority of the world. The problem was women were literally not compensated fairly for their jobs even when they worked so they were dependent on a man to bring in "real income". Eg. The civil rights act allowed black Americans to be paid fairly. This means black families majority of the time needed both parents working to be able to survive, yet black women were still expected to follow traditional roles. This is why the majority of westernized black men expect women to go 50/50 AND do all the homemaking, childrearing and emotional labour.

[@natashadickson4819]

If he shows incompetence, just stop paying bills. Stop doing it all.

[@acemanifester1401]

🎯

[@randomnyss2011]

Yeessss.... it's a hard pill to swallow for most men...

[@shannonchristian4192]

Funny how they want you to take care of them like a toddler but then still expect you to be sexually attracted to them. Studies have shown that the more a woman has to be caretaker of her partner, the less she's sexually attracted to him. Well yeah, because she's tired and that dynamic is just ick from a sexual perspective.

[@rebecca6125]

Wow thank you, that statement explains *a lot* about my present state of mind.

[@JB-xx3vp]

💯!!!

[@mollygrace3068]

That’s why I hate when men (and women!) use the term “withholding sex.” Not being sexually attracted to someone because of their BEHAVIOR is not emotional abuse or manipulation.

[@astraamarante6233]

@@mollygrace3068 Also, that term “withholding” implies that they’re owed that intimacy. No one is.

[@annahjaya700]

Wake up y’all..the Queen has posted ❤

[@neriah9969]

I clicked so fast!! ❤❤

[@B0OBIES]

I'm sitting at the front of the class today 🥰

[@RealTimeCuriousity]

I'm always excited to watch her video, there's always something new to learn.

[@annahjaya700]

@@neriah9969 I know right. She’s that good 💯

[@lealmelisa]

Pour your cup of coffee

[@Kayprofessor]

At least 7 hours!!! When my husband left I didn’t know what to do with all my extra time that I wasn’t using to clean after him. Eye opening

[@katiesackett2321]

My ex husband used to use weaponized incompetence against me and get mad and flip things around on me when I would voice my disappointment. One time I came back from doing something solo and he had cleaned the kitchen for me. My mom was over and acted like it was the greatest thing. I was like "okay....what are you expecting from me? A thank you? I clean up the house all the time, the whole house, by myself and I almost never get a thank you." They were both on my ass about it. He acted like I had just kicked a puppy. Like no. Never again.

[@natthebrat7333]

I don't know if you do it purposely but adding subtitles on your content always help SO much the neurodivergent spoiled girlies❤️🥺 thank you!

[@Youser999]

That's also why you need to pay careful attention to the state of his apartment while dating and also move in together once engaged but before the wedding (trial period). You always need to be making quiet observations and ready to abort the relationship if necessary. That's why you don't get too attached, even though it can be difficult. Like Elle says, always be in your discernment. Once you're actually married and especially once there are small children thrown into the equation, it gets so, so much harder. Also, just a personal beef, but I don't understand why feminists are viewed as some kind of enemy in these videos. Everything you’ve mentioned in this video aligns with feminism. Are you happy you can live independently and thrive in this world without depending on a man? Like having a bank account and credit cards? Voting? You can thank the fight feminist women made in the past for all these things.

[@Berniiedette]

Right!?! Like why are feminist viewed as some sort of enemy in these videos??💀

[@alisonmercer5946]

This is one of the most feminist channels I've ever watched lol

[@jaya9298]

i think she's referring to corporate and choice feminists that think that men paying for dates and displaying chivalrous behaviour is taking us back to the Victorian times.

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

Exactly! Almost what Elle says is literally what feminist preach about Apart from the "providing" part almost all these videos preaching about emotional support, caring of the wife etc are all ideas feminists preach. 😅

[@daphne-w98]

Feminism has so many heads. People try to simplify it to ~ equality ~ and you could surely see it defined that way, but that’s just not true to its complexity now - the amount of approaches, lenses, and views that can make up feminism are plentiful. Radical forms and its opponents, choice forms and its opponents, sx positive forms and its opponents, etc. People always default back to the ‘voting’ feminism when the movement is criticized while ignoring the controversial takes that are also under the modern feminism umbrella, like those who are against chivalry, or even those like Simone De Beauvoir who say staying at home should not be an option for women, or differing views of when life starts, which easily become heated conversations. People have such varied views about feminism even when they agree with the fundamental rights because feminist discourse is VAST and changing, which is why the theory is fun to read but not something I (and some other women) wholly agree with. also edit: So instead of trying to make themselves the 29th different branch of feminism, some women just disagree with the most popular mainstream form of it and leave it at that. I recall Elle said once she is unsure if her platform is feminist or not because she speaks more about ‘profiting from objectification’ (not my words) instead of deconstructing the objectification itself.

[@Cynni393]

The woman talking about how men use weaponized incompetence with the husbands who do ignorant things to their wives, we just stop doing our part.

[@schuylergeery-zink1923]

I got the flu a couple weeks ago and my husband took care of me + was working overtime. He noticed REAL FAST the value I provided keeping the house tidy. After I started watching Elle earlier this month I casually mentioned the calculated value of housework which he was a bit incredulous at first. I said, hey you can calculate it if you want and he said “I don’t have time to do that!” Then I got sick and he witnessed it first hand coming home to chaos. He quickly changed his tune and has been complimenting my contributions around the house even more lately 😂 honestly when you get sick it’s good to see how your partner cares for you and sees what happens when you can’t clean up.

[@macjrc]

Omg! That lady was right! My mouth was just hanging open. I never would have thought that men were doing that in purpose. My blood pressure DID rise!!

[@kayleslielouise1180]

You know the guy who was assisted in helping his wife by the mime made his wife’s life hell for a while after 🤦‍♀️☹️

[@MrsLadyLiberty]

For real tho, someone needs to check on that lady bc bro bro was obviously pissed as hell. I'm not a betting girl but I'd put money on that "man" being abusive by how obv pissed he got. Men like that can't tolerate being called out, especially by strangers, especially in public.

[@lolitzshelly7229]

Omg wtf?!

[@jinaolen786]

I truly hope it was a big wakeup call for the wife and that she's out of that situation now!

[@bodaciousmo]

This ⬆️. Whether it’s silent treatment or “so you laughed at me too” the game only gets worse.

[@S-jy4fd]

Omg what happened and how do you know

[@abbeymoody1507]

If I can treat others well and be mindful of their emotions, their workload, it is not a big ask to want a partner who has that same mindfulness!!!!! You get it girl. This is my biggest fear too- incompetence because it makes you feel so alone in carrying the emotional/mental load of the relationship and that’s not including the physical load of childbearing

[@CBrown86]

Lets also consider that when a woman/mother finally leaves, all of a sudden the man is capable of being a parent demanding 50/50 custody. Not only that, but they want to fight the women in court and insist that they are a better parent! The kids go there and come back without their things, in dirty clothes, and complaining that they are hungry, or their “father” sends them with a different family members or babysitters on “his time”. Or even worse, now that they aren’t around to be his punching bag he starts taking it out on the kids. And lets not forget the courts that FORCE the kids to go. This is so common!!

[@FTGTrains]

All those times as a kid I asked my dad why he did the chores and he answered “because it has to be done” he was actually teaching me how to be attractive the whole time. Thank you father

[@thebritishenglishteacher]

On the topic of why women with kids feel trapped: If parents divorce, the children will usually spend some time at their dad’s house. The woman has to consider whether her small children will be safe alone with this man who is demonstrating that he is not competent to take care of them. The courts will not believe that he is incompetent because the children show no signs of neglect, because the mother has been picking up the slack the whole time!

[@kayafilikovska992]

Yep. I sign under every word you said. I was dating below low effort bare minimum man for four years and he was so incompetent I wanted to scream sometimes. But I've decided not to correct him and do too much. You've messed up cleaning? Okay, we are living this week in a nasty apartment. You haven't thought bout presents for someone? Okay, they are getting nothing from you. He finally gave up and left, bc I didn't have a courage to leave him myself. And in the end he accused me of using him... for making him do dishes:D I payed the half of the rent, of the groceries and the whole stuff I needed myself and haven't recived any thoughtful or normal gifts after one month of us being together. The trash took himself out. But since then I am not doing any more charity work for men, I am on my way to become a spoiled girlie

[@whymillie]

Or sometimes you can remove yourself. Even with so called competent husbands, you just have to stay on their necks. When the house is messy, I check into a hotel. I let him know the morning of and return after two weeks. Never move in with a man unless he buys an adequate home with at least three bedrooms and a garden. Even after I married my husband we didn't move into the same home for another five years. I wasn't going to leave my beautiful apartment to live in a hedious condo. It was five years of nights at airbnb apartments, hotels, my house, his parents house. etc. My point is you must be anchored in your soul about the kind of life you desire to live. Compromise for nobody.

[@Zuzzamma]

21:40 my eyes almost fell out when I heard this... I kind of refuse to believe that people are able and natural with fakeing and playing malicious psycological games like this... This is I N S A N E. How do they dare to call himself a dad or a husband? Or tell his wife that he loves her when this is how they really treat her....... My trust issues just got worst...

[@goodgawdgertrude4240]

This is one of the reasons why I'm afraid to have children. It takes a village to raise a child and yet we are left with that?? Yikes.

[@Luzzezilla112]

The shock in my face I can't 😦

[@katec9893]

What those men are suggesting is abuse. It helped me a lot to read the book Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and familiarise myself with signs of domestic abuse, especially coercive control and psychological abuse. There's a programme online called The Freedom Programme that I also found helpful, I'm not sure if it's worldwide but there's probably similar programmes in other countries.

[@mariwhya]

While I do agree that paying for a date is the bare minimum... a part of also hesitates because there have been plenty of guys who assume that if they pay then they're entitled to your time in bed. And the amount of harassment that comes afterwards for denying men that is sometimes so overbearing that I just don't risk it by paying for myself. It's such a toxic mindset loop and I hate it :(

[@chariotfortuna]

And ps my love- you are right, because they want to fight you. Testosterone does that to men, and it does that to males and boys, too. Do not respond, walk away, and leave them high and dry. Block them on your phone, and if you’re in a public setting, and they are freaking out, you go up to the manager or the bar counter or wherever you need to go and you get safe. A good place any good place, will not tolerate that and many men who work at the restaurant will walk you to your car. They understand. ✨🤍✨

[@novanoire93]

Block them. They showed you their true intentions. Them paying for the date is paying for your time and energy.

[@funnygaming2672]

no get your free food and if he a creep make it clear that you are not interested .do it safely in public (warn the staffs in advance just in case they can make you leave safely.)you can also do it at home by calling / text or trough other men that you trust like your dad or something to say you want none of it you can also block them. Do tell someone so that if he go to your home, your friends and family can help/save you, you better have someone at home. stay safe. we should not stop to get expected courtesy of a free meal from the person that invite because they are maybe unhinge, we need to keep that bar high for your own sanity /security in the long run. I'm going to celebrate 16 years of marriage and i have the whole QUEEN treatment ALWAYS! Don't lower the bar and make it clear that if someone invite you, they are paying unless it discussed beforehand.

[@minuit6305]

This is why being cold and detached in the beginning is important. It sends a subliminal message that he will be rewarded with feminine energy if he acts right. Make sure they know that when "male friends"( only real male friends are LGBTQ+, straight? Lmao as!)invite you to go out THEY PAY. You dont have egotistical or vain about it. State it as a matter of fact. If you casually mention it in conversations you will weed out the ones that don't matter. Shame them if they try to argue with you. Do the toxic chill girl _"So what your saying..." _ loop. Walk away from tables, conversations. Like literally walk away leaving them mid sentence. You are here to be courted not sized up. IF you go out and he doesn't pay. Act weird afterwards and end the night with an emergency and NEVER go out with them again. Say hi once and a while and continue to randomly mention how so and so paid. They will eventually understand that a "friendship with a woman" requires them to treat you like a lady.

[@tc-tm1my]

A lot of guys think any kind gesture is deserving of sex. Set boundaries before the date and the ones who are genuinely caring will remain caring.

[@alison8606]

Weaponized incompetence is neglect best case scenario and emotional abuse worst case scenario. Either way, avoid at all costs ❌❌❌

[@ohanaohana8844]

Correct and neglect is the assassin to all relationships.

[@Kayprofessor]

Physical abuse in reality lol!!!! The physical load and pain that is causes is unforgivable

[@alison8606]

This would explain why so many women with lazy, low effort men seem to suffer from chronic pain and stress 😬

[@Kayprofessor]

@@alison8606 yep!! All of my friends and myself are sick with all kinds of things like that because of the men in our lives. We pushing back now, this can’t continue

[@JennyFB1281]

"Don't celebrate the bare minimum." This is great advice for anyone and everyone.

[@ChiChe555]

“Always be market ready” what an awesome tip Bestie!!! I really like how you explained it as well 🥰

[@user-vm6oz6wt5g]

19:50 "I have a story that will make your blood pressure go through the roof." Accurate. Me: also realizing I've been the victim of weaponized incompetence in the workplace.

[@beardpapa12]

I notice that a REALLY common complaint by men is that they don't get complimented enough but I really doubt that the men complaining ever compliment the women in their lives.

[@yarion4774]

It's not about compliments but appreciation. Men feel like they need to function and provide to be worthy of appreciation. That's what they are taught. When a man means a compliment, they literally mean anything praiseworthy but oftentimes appearances. That's why some not so self aware men got to women and "compliment" aspects of the woman's body they find attractive, not realizing that that's more often than not conceived as inappropriate at best, sexual harrassment at worst.

[@beardpapa12]

I don't mind both partners giving each other praise/compliments. I just don't want it to be another duty a woman has to do for the man without ever getting the same back. What I want a a cycle of virtue instead of a one-sided thing. @@yarion4774

[@DandyXandy36]

I never blame the woman in a relationship because they are usually the victim. If they’re not a true victim then it will be obvious.

[@whymillie]

We are not victims we are broke heroes with no medals or castles as rewards.

[@ARS-fn6px]

Welll... Some women are so blind by Disney/Hollywood fairytales and the belief that their Kitty is made of gold that they dont listen to others and think their relationship is the exception to the rule. .. thats where you lose my sympathy.

[@andreeabianca318]

I love this girl. All the videos in this channel are gold. Thank you for handing me the tools and the mindset required to get out of my people pleaser butt. 10 years ago I honestly could not have seen how this market driven frame would become the most revolutionary feminist movement lately and I love it. Much love and support to all the spoiled girlies

[@Chicoyo21]

This has made me realize my biological father feels like the prize. When I was a baby he would refuse to change my diapers and he would be too tired from work 💀 He would also expect my mom to pick up the messes from him and she quit her job to raise me. My step-dad is the opposite he treats my mom like the prize. He opens doors for her, tries to cook for her, drivers her places, repairs the house without my mom asking, walks the dog, made sure to take care of me when I was sick and taught me how to drive etc. He does all these things and my mom doesn’t ask him too nada. It makes me sad to say this but my step-father is a way better husband and father than my dad.

[@mothercat6083]

Two videos two days in a row?!? New meaning to spoiled girly support group because I feel extra spoiled ❤

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

"My standards for men are so high because my standards for myself are so high." ❤ subscribed

[@kidiemokgope8227]

I have daddy issues but my uncles treat me like a princess so a man would know that my dad is alive but his presence isn't and think they can take advantage, they're shocked when I just leave

[@amethystbruise]

I just started dating a man recently that treats me like an absolute queen (golden retriever energy). Before him I would watch your videos and would agree but couldnt relate or feel hopeful I would ever find this type of love. I had been single for 4 years and couldn't settle for less. He reciprocates and understands my feelings; he enhances my life and never takes away. There are good men out there !!

[@bethanyb66]

I found your page this morning at like 5 am, loved the video about gatekeeping marriage , fell asleep and woke up and you posted this 😂😂 I think the universe is telling me it’s time for me to leave my man LMAO

[@tabi5550]

haha lol

[@MrsLadyLiberty]

We're here for you, sis! Do what's best for you!

[@DeadLkeMe]

13:23 "you're not an equal opportunity dater!" Jesus, I wish my college self could've heard this over 10 years ago ☠️☠️

[@kshamaaghamkar2096]

I understand, it's alright.. we learnt our lessons and now we will rise and shine 🎉❤️

[@rileystein6195]

I can relate to this so much. I've been with below bare minimum effort men most of my life. My current partner is one such man. It's really unpleasant to be with him, but I can't afford childcare yet, so I keep him around for the time being to watch our kid. Once I get a new career and start making better money, he's out. This advice really hit me because it's been weighing on me for a long time. I will no longer entertain such men.

[@lealmelisa]

My big advice, beware of guys that tell you they have a sort of sickness, condition, old bad injurie. That is the perfect ground for abuse, because they are basically victims first so now they are allowed to be mean to you. If someone has lets say ADHD they are responsible for seaking treatment and take the supplements or medicine required, no you have to allow them to be disrespectful and wak over you.

[@scaryguppy1071]

Wise advice here. from someone who’s seen this.

[@rachaelm4573]

As a girl with chronic illness, telling someone to be aware of someone with a sickness or injury or illness is really ableist. I understand that you're following it up with that the guy could use it to be abusive but to completely avoid people with disabilities is plain discrimination.

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

​@@rachaelm4573 i dont think she's saying to avoid them, but she's saying they can't use that as a clutch to harass us anymore. I have adhd and autism too but if I use that to harass someone or make their life mentally and physically difficult then I need to get away from them.. If can take care of me and it wouldn't really affect them then that's another thing but we can't force others to do what we want

[@buckyyyb]

@@rachaelm4573no, it is not. It’s 100% completely responsible. i have 101 things wrong with me, and EXPECTING someone to 1.), be okay with that is absolutely ridiculous. Taking care of someone is an insane amount of work they do NOT have to sign up for unless they WANT TO. 2.) that’s not what the original comment is even saying.

[@lealmelisa]

@@rachaelm4573 I understand your point but the thing is that someone can say they have a condition and it can be a lie, or eveb if it's true, guys usually neglect seeking treatment :/ in any case is better to care about the personal safety first.

[@itzme7172]

I had an existential crisis because a date bought me flowers and my ex of 5 months never bought me a single actual flower once , my standards and boundaries have been raised since then.

[@coppelxia]

This reminds me of a scene in a tv series called “lessons in chemistry” “A man just wants his wife to fix him a drink when he comes home from a long day” “Why do you assume his day was longer than hers?” “Maybe you should you fix her a drink”

[@BriellaSornFonte]

When you rotational date you can see how good another man is by comparing him to the other men you are going on dates with.

[@briskettacos]

This used to be common in the 50s. (Of course, sex was not usually a factor in that era.) IF you found an outstanding partner you would become exclusive, which was known as "going steady." This is still a great idea today - no sex, many dates, focus on their qualities.

[@katec9893]

​@@briskettacosThis is kind of how I've been dating for the past few years, it's reduced my stress a lot. Most of the dates are just phonecalls to vet them before I agree to meet. Most of them fail the phone call vetting process as they show red flags or bad character traits like arrogance, talking over me, trying to put me down etc. Only decent men actually make it through to the date stage. No sex until you're exclusive and actually in a relationship. I really dislike hookup culture so this is how I date, I think mens behaviour would really improve if all women dated like this. Men have got used to having easy access to women so a lot of them have become badly behaved and disrespectful knowing they'll still get a date and even sex.

[@msgomui1]

I will honour Elle by never ever accepting a below bare minimum low effort man in my life!

[@JasmineRobotnik]

My sister had to tell her boyfriend everyday to brush his teeth. I swear women are just mommies to these men sometimes

[@scarletraven2940]

I am a woman in my 50's just reentering the dating world. I am so impressed with all of you. I am learning so much and appreciate the guidance and lessons of self-worth you are providing. Thank you for teaching me to value myself more and have set expectations for what I want in a partner. Things I didn't learn in my childhood. You are marvelous.

[@jimpickens5936]

2:19 The important thing is don’t ask a partner to change, find that person that already is how you want/ need them to be

[@jaeminok8544]

Thank you so much Elle. I used to be such a pick me and I seriously owe you a lot for the rest of my happy spoiled girly life.

[@alexiakelley4245]

I think there’s a difference between being grateful and fan girling. Saying thank you for the bare minimum helps positively reinforce more help just like I’m sure mothers and housewives should be thanked for the regular everyday things too. But to blow up with fan girling as if it’s some groundbreaking breakthrough that he paid for the date is too much. This is just my personal opinion.

[@chrystianaw8256]

Exactly

[@Tenshii_Artii]

This is the take I agree with. You don’t need to go all out. But a simple acknowledge and genuine “Oh! Thanks!” Is all we needed. It makes us all feel a little happier on the inside, but also not going overboard.

[@TheLunablackheart]

Elle actually says in the video that you do say thanks, but the important distinction is to not let YOURSELF get carried away with it. Thank the person for paying for your meal, but don't go home and be awake all night because you're excitedly fangirling over him because he did the bare fucking minimum and paid for your dinner. Thank him, yes, but as Elle says in this, INTERNALLY say Okay. The bare minimum. This is to protect you from getting overly attached and even reliant on a guy, thinking he will be a Man and take care of you when all he's done is the bare minimum and definitely wouldn't step up to the plate with you, hence Elle then talking about weaponised incompetence.

[@meganoreo1839]

This is kinda out of topic but i just wanna say thank you for always including subtitles in your videos. It's really helpful

[@roundbunny]

Agree! Love subtitles

[@torresleti3492]

Sis coming through with a Gem! My 2023 take away is "that's not my task"Lol. No extra labor for me in 2024. Thank you for all your insight Elle ✨️ Wishing you a Blessed and Happy New Year 🎉

[@MrsLadyLiberty]

Same! I have to say to myself, "that's not mine to pick up" (literally and metaphorically) not just with men but with family, friends, clients, etc. The people pleasing runs deep!

[@torresleti3492]

@MrsLadyLiberty so true Chica. People will have to relearn how to treat you when you raise your value. I used to think that God put us here to serve others only, but I have come to realize if we do not honor ourselves while serving then we will burn out or build resentment. I am a mom and an oldest daughter so it can feel like it's all on me, however I will no longer be enabling the weaponzied incompetence even from my kids 😅

[@Hellscap3]

I totally agree with the framing it as "wow the bare minimum" its saved me so much grief with dating

[@transmutemineralore]

I feel like the bare minimum should be higher, and we shouldn't expect more than it. If the bare minimum was sufficient we wouldn't need more than it to feel satisfied in a relationship

[@TabrizWalker]

That's the thing--paying on the date is the bare minimum, but even if a guy does that, he's not entitled to more time and more dates just for paying. If he wants to keep seeing her, then merely paying is insufficient. We SHOULD expect more than our personal bare minimum, otherwise there's no reason not to marry the very first person who meets the very basic requirements. This is the whole idea about being market driven, good enough is great... but why not let yourself have better than good enough? There are so many specific "it's the little things" that each woman will love. Being ambitious and wanting the little cute things beyond bare minimum is not asking too much.

[@audreydoyle5268]

It is called the bare minimum, because it is the lowest amount of effort to provide an opportunity to showcase your worth. If you're not laying most of the cards on the table on the first date, why should I waste my time if the cards they've put down don't meet my standards? It begins with knowing your own worth, and how much of that bag you deserve.

[@Asenueh]

I'm a Feminist and I don't why any other Feminists would have grievances with you expecting men to show up as equals in a relationship.

[@Bioshocking12]

I love when “SpOilEd GirLiEs” talk shit about us like the movement hasn’t awarded them safety in relationships with terrible men.

[@Asenueh]

@@yoachim91 The two concepts are complementary, not mutually exclusive.

[@Sharpe1502]

Heyyyyy. So I’m almost 30 and have never been in a relationship and I just want y’all to know that finding men who are not creepy or are considerate, and also have good jobs/jobs comparable to your salary are hard to come by. Stick with your standards. But you might be single forever like me… which isn’t a bad thing.