How To Deal With A Critical Partner

losangeleswestsidetherapy.com
Are you exhausted trying to fend off or defend against a constantly critical partner? Do you withdraw to protect yourself only to get even more criticism thrown at you?
Maybe you try even harder to prove that you are a well intentioned and reliable person, only to be devalued - wondering if you are the crazy one.
This video gives you a clear look at what's behind all this criticism and why it sticks. Then it offers 2 simple steps for you to avoid letting it seep in and destroy you. You deserve to be acknowledged for who you are and not be cast in an evil light just to indulge your partner's paranoia. You can easily deal with a constantly critical partner if you follow these simple 2 steps.

[@freeworld1875]

Look at the things they criticize. My wife criticizes her work, the country we live in, our kids, and me of course. She dislikes my mother. Then it hit me, it isn't about ME, it is about her. She needs to learn to love herself.

[@ashtonkevindill]

amen.

[@tabithal8113]

My fiancé criticizes me all the time and it’s frustrating for the smallest thing but when I see things I don’t say anything because I don’t like to hurt someone’s feelings. But I am fed up with it.

[@Michelle-pn9xt]

How the heck is any of that about you?

[@enavigator3821]

Sounds very familiar to me 😢

[@mariaarroyos2925]

Criticizes or corrects your kids? How's your mom with her? Are you criticizing her for opening up and trusting you?

[@popvid7415]

This is the first time I found useful marriage advice on KZbin I usually struggle with criticism from my husband, but it's very hard for me not to take in what he says, because when I try to prove myself that I am making an effort, he says that it's not true and I'm worthless. He curses me out right. When I cry, he calls me a baby, and when I don't say anything he calls me garbage. When I put so much effort to please him and clean the entire house with every bit of energy I have, he won't care & just ignores me, or he will find something that I did NOT do, and criticize me for that. 😩

[@craftsentic1899]

Wowwwww. You gotta get out of that marriage smh

[@lightfocus2946]

I am sooo sorry

[@wendyfrances1237]

Sounds like verbal abuse and nothing you do will change it. He want to have power over you. Good luck.

[@lunababy662]

I thought I wrote this smh sounds like my story but one thing I know it won't get better start making plans

[@asktheuniverse2718]

Seriously…. Stop it. You’re a habitual victim just by reading your post, you’ve done this your whole life so just cut it out. But most importantly stand up for yourself because nobody else will!!! Tough love sorry but not sorry 💪🏽

[@MaryamAhmed-on9hu]

I have tried using this strategy before but my patner replied with "i am only speaking the truth. I say it as it is".

[@sbfabtfc1]

Then you reply with "The only truth here is your unreasonable expectations. I've had enough of your irrational crap. Either start recognizing my value or find someone else to abuse." And be ready to walk out on the relationship for good if they don't change their behavior. My father and siblings are hypercritical like this, and ditching them was the best thing I ever did. Life is too short and the world is too vast to put up with bad people like this.

[@MomentswithNuwanthie]

I agree with you, that has happened to me too! They never understand that they have the problem on their side. 😕 I can give you a suggesion, try to focus on ways that can make you create your own happiness, and just ignore your partner whenever he or she complains to you. You don't have to suffer in life because of a such toxic partner. 🙂 Or if the situation is getting much worse, you can go for separation or divorce. 🙂

[@beaulieuonnp593]

You are right, the constant criticism just is driving us apart. There is a big difference with genuine criticism ie if you have left the iron on and there would be a fire, but it gets petty when they are even criticising you if you accidently use the wrong words or you are criticised for being emotional and anxious

[@yanikeonpurpose]

I found this video because I’m the one that is critical & nitpicking. I didn’t even know this about myself until now. In my culture, this kind of “behaviour” doesn’t even have a name, but finally I have something to call it & I am grateful for this. Here’s the thing. I am only a nitpicker around CERTAIN individuals. I’ve recently met a guy & we have decided to be friends, but being around him has turned me into a person I don’t recognise because I nitpick SO MUCH around him. And this is the issue. I realise I am like this because HE HAS WEAK BOUNDARIES! I am never like this around people who carry themselves with strength & authority. So I am noticing historically I become highly critical & (now I know, sadly) emotionally abusive towards people who are weaker & don’t know how to stand up for themselves. I am now working on this so I can learn how to be gentler with people who do not have strong personalities & will basically allow you to do & say whatever you want. To solve the problem, simply have more confidence & let them know you won’t tolerate their behaviour. That’s what I am looking for to NOT be a nitpicker- someone who bites back.

[@drewski2001]

Proper language is highly regarded in the upper echelons of society; plus, no one wants to be around someone who's constantly anxious.

[@ewm4266]

For smiling, laughing too loudly, "stomping around the room" not hugging fast enough, being too exited, sorting out an issue between our children...Like explain your flawed logic in solving that issue, starting a business...You need to close it coz you are being disrespectful...😅😅

[@sbfabtfc1]

The irony here is that they create your emotional state and anxiety with their own hypercritical behavior, and then criticise you for haing a naturally negative human reaction to their abuse. The hypocrisy is just amazing. It's a lot like taking a perfectly good house, lighting it on fire and burning it to the ground, and then saying, "SEE? It was just made of ashes to begin with!" How ridiculous is that dynamic?

[@kevinneedham9643]

Omg. Yes. It was such a relief to hear that you recognize and understand this situation. I’ve actually told my wife this SEVERAL TIMES. I say, “I shouldn’t have to defend myself with you.” Now, I’m exhausted and I’m hopeless. It doesn’t register with her and I’m not even going to waste my breath. Yes. I have a game on my phone but I only play it after all the kids are asleep or while they are at school. Here’s a scenario that happened JUST yesterday. We have dogs and occasionally they find a weak spot in our 20 year old fence and they get out. First thing yesterday morning I went out in the 20° wet weather and repaired the fence. I came in, sat on the couch and drank some coffee. She proceeds to guilt me into fixing a leaky faucet and says, “should I call a plumber ?” in a condescending tone. I swear I can’t catch a break. Then she tells me, after a night of drinking, I neglect her and she can do it all on her own. 🤦‍♂️. Im almost there. Im almost to the point to just say, “yeah. Try it on your own!”

[@andrewjackson9948]

They are never happy buddy. It's exhausting even trying

[@beaulieuonnp593]

So exhausting

[@Boopierthanmost]

Same is my husband, i have 3 kids and i am constantly grinding myself, running errands, helping them study and pack 6 lunches at early morning. I am struggling to clean house and my husband just nitpicks small things like "oh here is a pencil shaving, and here is one strand of hair that got missed" once he made me clean all 2 toilets while I was cooking because 'he was not feeling clean enough'. There is like no other way for me to leave, my children are small and their life will be hell.

[@smilealways3333]

@@Boopierthanmost Try the strategy suggested in this video, if doesn't work after a few months is best to make plans to leave. Your kids are going to grow up seeing this behavior and it will be extremely harder when they are teenagers to deal with this situation, for you and for them

[@smilealways3333]

Try what was suggested in this video, hope it works

[@amytrumbull156]

I had to leave my husband after 6 years of him criticizing me for everything under the sun and his constant jealousy as well over nothing. We argued all the time, even on our honeymoon and yet he was stunned when I finally left. He’s continued to be critical of our two kids and has done tremendous damage to them both. He’s a miserable person from a family that’s still critical and demeaning to each other constantly to this day….that’s how they relate. Fortunately our kids are nothing like him and are kind, gentle people, very sensitive. He tried to destroy me in our divorce too, telling every but of personal, dirty laundry type stuff about my whole family, no holds barred. I saw what he was doing and refused to stoop to the same level. He’s been single ever since I left and is a very unhappy person in general.

[@blueflame4055]

Thank you for walking away and telling your story because it will empower so many women to walk away from negativity.

[@JamaicanToast]

What ever, you're here criticizing him on youtube

[@amytrumbull156]

@@JamaicanToast Yep, because I can’t stand his ass and I have very right to express my disdain for someone who was demeaning, critical, vengeful and negative. Get bent if you don’t like it

[@debunk2462]

@@amytrumbull156 you sound like a very nice unprovocative person 😑🐍

[@carlavel4436]

​@@debunk2462if you don't like what she says then don't comment on her post and keep scrolling 🤣

[@sharonflynn9684]

Fantastic advice !! This really helped my current situation a lot. I was absorbing it completely !!!. X

[@celesteteacher3956]

Yes my boyfriend is constantly critical, i feel so tired when he leaves for work. I ve been eating for comfort. Today i tried this, it was great. ❤

[@sbfabtfc1]

I know exactly how you feel because I've been there. And the one piece of advice I have for you is to GET OUT! You are not living at all. You are only surviving, and there's a big difference between the two! Thank God you're not married. Feeling relieved when the other person leaves is a sure sign that you don't belong in that situation. Best of luck to you.

[@barryannlewis7060]

This is the best advice so far, I have been going through a self deprivation when it comes to my self esteem because my partner criticize every thing I do, I cannot walk right, talk right, if I follow is rules I am wrong and should think for myself, if I think for my self I should follow his rules..... the criticism has gotten so bad that i he starts to contradict himself so much

[@fruitsarelife148]

Yes i can relate, it’s making my mind go crazy.

[@andrealynetta3733]

This is exactly what is happening to me currently.

[@fruitsarelife7073]

@@andrealynetta3733 we are in this together. If it doesn’t get better the relationship has to end.

[@BearScowe]

Literally same. I realized that I have developed this obsessive habit of checking everything I do over and over...just so he doesn't find something I "did wrong" and pick at me and criticize me

[@lalalad4536]

Jup same situation here. It’s very frustrating and I am starting to hate him actualy.

[@beatrizsesma1321]

This went differently for me. When tried to show them they were hurtful, they said "well, give me something I can work with so I can stop telling you these things that YOU THINK are bad. What am I supposed to do? Not EVER tell you ANTYTHING at all?"

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

Unless you come across as having personal authority and aren’t just wanting them to lay off because you are being victimized, the critic is emboldened. You have to feel and own your power. Personal therapy will help you explore your discomfort with your own power and agency, and your dependence on a loved one to act in caring ways.

[@andrealynetta3733]

@@DrJeanetteRaymond this feedback is extremely helpful as I’ve felt the same way. I’ve realised I’ve become reactive and end up trying to defend myself as I feel their attacking my character. I end up becoming hopeless and withdrawing which feels like I’m proving their point

[@apkeeney]

This is so insanely accurate to my experience. Thank you

[@mymagicalcreatures7037]

You are awesomely accurate. I started doing this recently even before I watched this video,and watching this just helped me realize that it does work when I do this instead of in the negative ways as I used to react before.

[@kimoanamusic8533]

I am beginning to wonder if my partner has brain damage. He constantly talks over me and criticizes me. He wakes me when I'm sleeping because he is lonely and wants to talk. He is just exhausting!!!! I will try the wall method. Thank you.

[@pmg886]

😂

[@CatherineKariuki-nz4uc]

😂

[@chirokathleen]

Wow! This is great. Typing it into my notes and using it right away. Will practice this and let the rest, defending and pleading go.

[@evrydae]

Thank you kindly. Your wisdom is priceless. I am learning about my faults and working to be a better person and you are helping me greatly.

[@user-hg4bf6rv2k]

This video is just fantastic and useful. Thanks so much Dr. Jeanette

[@SarahClaus78]

My husband is not affectionate/intimate and criticizes me on clutter. It is exhausting. I could clean all day and he’d come in and zero in on an area with clutter. It literally just happened a few moments ago. I told him I feel bad enough about myself, I don’t need his help.

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

Your goodness and decency isn’t going to make him either acknowledge and reward you or follow your example. Perhaps you have both unconsciously created the good suffering angel (you) and the bad ungrateful devil (him). That means he doesn’t own his good bits and you don’t own your bad bits. Creating these extremes escalates the tension. For some reason this is tolerable for you. Exploring what’s going on for you in your own therapy can give you insight and help you understand the dynamics that makes this such a black-and-white relationship.

[@8bit_paul]

Almost making me cry. Thanks for the advice.

[@pattyvoakes1053]

I Know!!.. I am living it every day !.. so Thankful!

[@Raminakai]

I appreciate your sharing your gift with me. I admit I didn't expect much when I clicked on this video. I was pleasantly surprised. You know of what you speak.

[@wendyfrances1237]

Dr Raymond, can you post more on this subject as it is very helpful. Thanks so much.

[@JulesOille]

You make the assumption that the partner will become introspective and re-evaluate their behaviour. Sometimes angry or egocentric people never do that. I never did anything wrong is their mantra. I’ve tried keeping it cool. I think that some people can be argumentative for many reasons. My wife is most hostile after a week of loving times together- she pushes back with arguments; I think she is pushing back the affection because she never had it. Doing good only undermines my effort. We keep getting back together because the makeup sex is amazing.

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

It might be helpful if you think of your partner as not being given any limits as a child. It's when we are children that we think we do nothing wrong until limits and boundaries are put in place, including what you individually will tolerate and are consistent about. So it's not so much to get your partner to be introspective or reflective, but to provide the lessons she may never have had, and more importantly to be self-empowered. If the sex is so good after conflict then there you have it in a nutshell. The relationship has become conditioned to this type of uncomfortable interactions in order to get the relief and pleasure of the sex!!

[@smilealways3333]

I have known couples that use sex to relieve confrontational stress. But after a few years that most likely gets old. Then consequences are worst because the behaviour still there and if you have kids they will learn this behavior🙄

[@shereepryce1566]

I love this !!!thank you . Very encouraging

[@jfitz2774]

Love this lady! Much needed advice 🙂

[@twigsoflife]

Thank you so much for this piece of advice.. I will surely do this.. You are an angel.

[@MaryamAhmed-on9hu]

Thank you so much for this. This exact situation happened to me yesterday and its been weighing heavily on me.

[@christinafg1864]

Thank you. That's was great advice. I'm going to use this. X

[@JamSetMusicGroup]

This video was very helpful. Thank you.

[@Ian-MT]

The response I got: “why should I?”. I like the insight that it is from internal pain and insecurity... are there any behaviors that will ease this pain and thus make the need to lash out with criticism less?

[@wallllleeeee]

This is great advice. As a husband with ADHD, I now understand that my ADHD symptoms may be causing/trigger in my wife a genuine concern that eventually becomes criticism and nagging, when not corrected. That in turn, causes negative feelings in me. I’ve heard it described as symptom-response-response. In my case, I believe improving some of my symptoms may have a positive effect in her and hopefully decrease the criticism. The questions is, how quickly will she turn down the criticism?

[@francescam.6999]

My father also has ADHD and my mother would always criticise him. So that was also my language with my partner. It took me a very long time to see that I would make things worse. Often, when we criticise, our own needs are not met. I had to learn that when I worry about him and I he is doing nothing to improve the situation, my need for safty isn't met. I need him to step up, so that I don't have to mother him. I can't change him, but I can tell him that I worry and need to know that he is in control, so that I can relaxe. Looking back I really wish that I would have found a better way to talk with him. What helped us? I started to learn about gentle communicating, and he set some boundaries with me. Insted of critisicing him I try to communicate my needs and boundaries. We still learn, but it is already so much better

[@MonochromaticBlues]

This is exactly what I needed to hear

[@x1134x]

Jeanette: "Self destructive acts, drinking, smoking, taking weed, playing with video games, being promiscuous, whatever your particular way of handling it might be." Me: "I was supposed to pick ONE?"

[@Chef_Davide_Incardona]

I feel you 😂

[@Mira-gu6we]

Emotional eating for me i guess.

[@brianrose6945]

I watched your KZbin video regarding spouses that are constantly criticizing. Your recommendation was to: 1. Imagine a wall between us and whatever your partner says let it hit the wall but not make it to you or deep In Your core. 2. Respond back saying, “ you never have anything nice to me do you”. What happens if they don’t respond the way you mentioned in the video and rather are defensive/dismissive about it? What’s my next step?

[@celjetakent2567]

Leave

[@user-zd2oy5hl7p]

Lmao. No, this won't work if there are real issues. My bf tried it on me without picking up 1 single chore after I started working full time. Sometimes you ARE at fault. Sometimes the other side is not well. There's no one size fots all

[@lisabobesa123]

This is great advice...but I am wondering what do I do when my partner often responds to my comment about "You never have anything nice to say to me do you?" With justifications and reasonings like "I'm trying to help you and you are so defensive." "I can see that you are angry today" and "OK fine I won't say anything to you then" followed by the cold shoulder

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

You've anticipated well. Note that it's all put back on you. How about noticing that and sharing that the other person is avoiding looking at themselves. Of course, you have to avoid taking the bait in the first place.

[@andalonds]

Say nothing more. He will start to feel stupid

[@Sassysickchick]

@@andalonds This.

[@ketarim]

This is brilliant! Now here goes to try and use your advice. I'm really really tired of her behaviour.

[@Cstorozkova]

If you say nothing they will say how rude you’re being by ignoring them and that when someone asks you something they deserve an immediate response. You can’t win.

[@brettestavillo9885]

Appreciate the advise.. will try it out!

[@soundofallflesh]

What a great video! I wished I'd seen this before I ended my relationship with my ex because he critcized me constantly and I had no idea what to do.

[@celjetakent2567]

Would u say you dodged a bullet or made a mistake?

[@altairbenemerito8884]

❤️ I really felt like criticism kills the relationship. I try to fix it always with take out, which shuts and cheers him up at the same time. It kills me though, makes me down benadryl.

[@lunababy662]

I can relate 😕

[@brandenkelsey8929]

Me too

[@Markuma]

Thank you! I needed this. 7 years of this stuff has really hurt me.

[@eleseclarke6038]

Unless they are narcissistic and just always have something negative to say and love an argument 🤷 but great advice I will try this

[@taylormitchum]

Great video! Thanks!

[@jonstersmall2716]

I found this helpful, thank you.

[@msafirimhehe]

Wonderful... Very well spoken! Thank you..

[@raviramiah5498]

Wife constantly micromanages me even in front of the step kids - got the cold shoulder from my wife for coming home late after a last min decision to go the gym.. the kid gave her a hard time too yet they all sat around the table together having a talk . She offered my step daughter a tea in front of me , and made one for me without telling me . I feel so isolated in my own home but was assertive enough to take myself away and do my own thing . And she wonders why I’m not engaging with them…conversations about their lives, her plans to be a doctor , buying a horse trailer ( I got them horses and sacrificed my need for a nice car ) …Ive withdrawn as you say in your video and can vouch it makes things worse . Brilliantly put video thanks for sharing 😊

[@ack153]

"Wife constantly micromanages me even in front of the step kids - got the cold shoulder from my wife for coming home late after a last min decision to go the gym" Did you tell your wife after the fact that you went to the gym or before?

[@raviramiah5498]

@@ack153 Hi Yvonne, it was before ( I texted her ) . Thanks for the reply! Where can I find you for a session ?

[@raviramiah5498]

I should mention I’m a stepfather of 5 yrs to two teenage girls : your descriptions of her reactions are so accurate !

[@unknownxyz7425]

@@raviramiah5498 my bf told me I was not pretty and I am ugly my body is ugly and i have nothing to offer and Im just staying with him because no other guy will love me.

[@korionterivers9995]

Thank u so much for this knowledge

[@nonnalovepriceless]

I’m mentally drained I have chronic fybromyalgia I’m sperated coz I can’t cope

[@Anthony-pj3lp]

Excellent video. Very helpful for marriage.

[@angmai7450]

Thank you. That helps me alot

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

Glad it helped. Was there a particular part of the message that touched you and made you feel seen and attended to?

[@Cheskat32]

Oh my goodness I could have used that one last night. My husband got news from his son that he doesn’t seem to hear from that often that he has two kids from two different women and he took something silly and blew it up way out of proportion to the point where I wasn’t sure he liked a gosh darn thing about me

[@beaulieuonnp593]

yes, it is a wonder why they stay with us with so much criticism day in day out, often over petty things

[@fraserembrey5676]

I feel like my partner wants to be at odds with me and find something to be cross about or fight about. Projecting or taking out insecurities or worries on me. I don't think he's very honest with himself or able to self reflect and when I suggest anything like that he gets self-defensive and grumpy. I don't have the greatest self confidence so I can't keep at this, becoming more stressed and worried about any tiny mistake I made or might make. I don't know what to do.

[@beaulieuonnp593]

Constant criticism. It is making me nervous, that I splutter out the wrong words I need, and then he criticises me for that. #uk

[@Waldemar-bb1sn]

It is horrible. Ladies and gentleman. Just run away from overcritical partners.

[@deisecarranza1737]

My spouse. Always points out my traumas and therefore explains that Im a narcsisst or says i am a dark empath. Compares me to narcsist public figures. Like if i watch a movie and there are bad characters. He finds how to compare me and says thats why i loved this movie .... i am feeling like everything i do for my children or him isnt sincere. I feel like hes bresking me down. I dont drink. And lately i have felt the urge to get drunk judt to get away from how i feel

[@nicolebarnhart9724]

You are an angel! Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. I love my partner so much, but he has made me doubt my own abilities and character due to his criticism. I now know it is because he is actually feeling inadequate. I confronted his behavior this morning and he seems to be willing to think about how his actions are affecting our relationship negatively. Is there anything I can tell him to make him more secure in our relationship?

[@willw.birnie8446]

Thank you so much.

[@theboothfamilyvideos]

Thank you.

[@zogyechi]

Hearing this is like fresh water for a tired soul.

[@gregbaker3701]

This is 100% accurate!!!

[@joshuastromer9572]

You’re fantastic.

[@rowenafranker9727]

Thank you ,I will give it a try ,new relationship but allready the criticism has started ,how do I help my partner , essentially he is loving and kind ,really want him to heal

[@ashwanthnarain]

You are so right; makes sense

[@robrobbirds3282]

Thank you more than you know.

[@hg3895]

How awful 😞 God help me in this relationship

[@DanielH3342]

Thank you

[@nataliegrim7357]

What if they come back when you say "you never have anything nice to say to me at all" with "see! You never take criticism! I can never say anything to you!" - what do you say when they say that

I guess it’s better to go for a while. It’s so complicated jaja.

[@soniczforever5470]

That's true... I left the relationship in the end because he didn't accept the fact I have ocd and he wanted the me before I was sick. I am fine but he wanted perfection.

[@maev_8927]

I am in my first ever relationship and we are about to hit the two year mark. I have realized that I am overly critical of my partner, and I feel really shameful for the things I have said to him. I want to change but I don’t know where to start

Realizing you are overly critical is a great way to start.

[@grantanderson1484]

I wish I'd seen this 10 years ago!

[@courtz2005]

Dr Raymond - This was very insightful as to the why, why I'm being blamed for his brain tumor and all other health issues, for his friends' deaths, stunts in his career growth, lost relationships with his family, missed activities/experiences, etc. I've tried the wall tactic, I've tried to just listen, but that's not enough. I am demanded to take severe ownership for the laundry list of issues that were shared/feelings expressed. He's obsessed with accountability and ownership to the point I'm nonstop apologizing just to appease him at times in our conversations. How do you deal with that situation when they are projecting? Can you or is there no other option than ending the relationship? Also, when I've asked "what do you like about me? I would really appreciate hearing because I feel that you seem to have an issue with everything about me." His response is that I'm victimizing myself yet again, can't accept my faults and take ownership for them, etc. What's your recommendation when that's the response I get? I'd greatly appreciate your advice.

[@Rina-Sa]

I'd love an answer to this as well! The last set of questions especially. It's frustrating when someone creates a narrative about "not taking ownership", when they are ironically not taking ownership themselves by saying this and demanding from you.

[@Cstorozkova]

Dealing with this right now as well. Please help!

[@tensecondbuickgn]

Having grown up in a verbally abusive childhood, it was only a matter of time before I counter-attacked in my marriage when this constant criticism arose. It is no longer acceptable for me to hold it inside and tolerate that abuse from someone who claims to "love" you. The problem with your advice is that if you let it go unchecked in their observations, they feel justified in having them. The correct action is to walk away after defending yourself and don't look back.

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

Perhaps you might consider how growing up in a verbally abusive childhood may have led you to marry someone who did the same thing. It's no accident that unconsciously familiarity attracts, in the hope that what you were not powerful enough to do as a kid you will master as an adult. So playing it out in adult hood is more than just about calling them out - it's about believing in your self- all of you, rather than making one person the abuser and the other the abused - dividing things into victim and perpetrator. That's how you perpetuate the cycle. You need to break the cycle by taking care of yourself, not changing the other.

[@tensecondbuickgn]

@@DrJeanetteRaymond I believe in what you say and I believe that I attract these kinds of people but it still doesn't offer a solution. I got married to this individual in Vietnam 3 months ago. Ever since then, there has been frequent shaming and character attacks. What husband would tolerate that? And when I defend myself, suddenly I'm the one being rude. So now I'm faced with not ruling out whether this person is a narcissist to some degree when they won't take accountability for their actions and have suddenly flipped ever since we got married. I have no problem when someone is bitchy from a bad day but character attacks are unacceptable.

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

@@tensecondbuickgn It's important that you not accept or tolerate personal attacks. But it justifies your anger and your attempt to protect yourself. Perhaps working on your wounds from childhood in a safe, consistent and caring therapeutic setting, and building a better sense of self will help you find more fulfilling relationships.

[@classymomboss3034]

@@DrJeanetteRaymond Hello! I’m always confused when someone says not tolerate a behavior, what does that look like? Because in my mind that means leave them

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

@@classymomboss3034 You wouldn't tolerate a child misbehaving and you wouldn't leave them if they did - you put down firm boundaries with consequences and stick to enforcing them. That is the attitude that you need to take, a stance of no tolerance - which if you don't, will give the other person permission to keep misbehaving.

[@LSA88771]

My husband constantly picks mistakes in whatever I do and start teaching me lessons..it is very irritating if I try to confront him he s saying am trying to make you better for your good and this is wat is normal ! Wat do I do

[@iradairenamirzojewa1575]

After 15 y i decided to leave my partner, very lazy, so angry inside, unhappy human being, Always shouting and obviously everything its my fault.. Well hope he will find better partner than i am😢

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

It takes courage to do what you did. It's the first step in valuing yourself as you realize that no matter how much you wish your partner woud honor and appreciate you, it was just that - a wish. Giving up that wish and facing reality hopefully will make you feel more empowered. it's important that you do not denegrate yourself so that you can allow yourself to feel more deserving.

[@ro88o000o]

My partner constantly finds fault in what I say and do. He raises things and criticizes me most days. If I cry he makes out like “here we go again…crying ugh!” I don’t know what to do I feel like a failure because my work life and all isn’t very good. Feel I’m slipping into uselessness

[@joshuastromer9572]

Also please narrate nature documentaries, your voice is fantastic.

[@buddyrye9190]

I have repeated thoughts of just letting my wife have our house and she can go find a job to take care of the kids. Nothing I do is appreciated. When that happens, perhaps the best thing to do is show them what it’d be like without me.

[@divineempress6059]

I love you. Thank you.

[@iicy_Hott_x3]

Whenever I don't absorb it I start to get almost like a manipulation tactics thrown back at me. And then the ranting comes. And then when I say you never have anything nice to say do you, sometimes I'll mention that he's hurting my feelings he says to me oh here we go I forgot I'm talking to a child who plays the victim all the time. So I don't really know how to fix this when I do those things and the deflection is so strong and I'm being told that now I'm passive aggressive. But I really like your advice

[@carlavel4436]

Sounds like my husband. To him you're just a target. Try the grey rock method, it works.

[@bkgtaplan3349]

Plz help in understanding this... is it criticism to remind ur spouse to check the car condition before road trips, washing their hands after using the toilet which they forget most times, or letting water run in the shower 10mins bfr they go in...that its a waste of water for me.

[@geronimo825]

It’s good advice. It didn’t work for me or my relationship because I think things are often more complex. Finances, work and other stressors get in the way of everything. It is good advice though and can only help rather than hinder anything.

[@avrorakhvastova3031]

Will try this method. Thank you very much. I feel like it might help my situation…But so far, after making him realise that his criticism is pointless, my partner ALWAYS says this: Ok, I will not say anything to you no more. How should I react to this?🙏🏻 thanks!

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

Is there a reason you need to reply? Perhaps you feel uneasy about the relationship when your partner speaks in the way you have described. Maybe you feel the relationship is on the line and you need to do something to keep it going. Whatever your concern, explore them with a therapist so that you can feel more secure. Also think about the pattern you have presented. If this a regular exchange, it will follow the usual course and you will be okay and then not okay again. That's worth exploring in therapy.

[@avrorakhvastova3031]

@@DrJeanetteRaymond thanks!

[@user-kz8ik8cg2c]

Now I understand....

[@Angiebee.]

I wish I had used this with my ex. But I no longer talk to him so I’ll do it the next time now that I know

[@orangeturtle2737]

What if the partners mother has installed critical abusive behaviour which is transferred onto you, instead of them working on their ego narrative.

[@jeanetteraymond.ph.d.8398]

Perhaps some plain speaking will help us understand what you mean and then we can have a fruitful exchange.

[@barrick4807]

She’s spot on with my wife always attacking me sends me through the roof. I’ve tried both I cooked dinner tonight and in the middle of cleaning up she’s grabbing her food and starts singing when we are done we turn off the light. I wanted to kick her through the door.

[@muntahabajwa8572]

I actually can feel that i couldn't love my partner he always underestimate my abilities .

[@MyForeverPerson]

My ex had a habit of calling me out and criticizing me in addition he was insensitive to my feelings when ever I said something. The simplest thing was always followed by a dismissal. I built so much resentment towards him and till this day I hate him.

[@adeline5688]

no matter what i say to my husband it doesn’t change a thing. he doesn’t even care what i say

[@kathryn3293]

I wonder if this lady got a key to my house. Because this is exactly how it sounded in my house😂 Amazingly relatable

[@nicolem273]

I’ve been with my partner for 24 years now and looking back I was so young and naïve and it completely narcissistic relationship now we’re still married however he is really trying to change and I feel I am completely shut down I am in limbo

[@beaulieuonnp593]

same here

[@cynthiajune779]

SHE IS SOOOO RIGHT!

[@Chef_Davide_Incardona]

Please help me here, for 10 years with my partner is constantly criticizing me for making small daily mistakes sometimes I was making bad decisions, feel guilty about it and then allowing her to criticize me on smaller things, now I’ve changed and abandoned bad habits however she always finds every imperfections and making it big deals and a reason to remind me that wrong or I forgot that etc. As I think that I’ve changed a lot for the better it become very hard for me to accept the constant criticisms, at first I’m scared of everything I do and I’m always watching her eyes to understand if one of my behaviors are possible wrong and I haven’t realized that, then she starts with the criticism but differently from before now I can’t take that much and fight back, which has made things worse at the point that she doesn’t even talks to me for the last 4 days, this is killing me, I love her and don’t want a break up I’d just like her to get over small imperfections, I feel like we are coming to an end and I’m so scared. How can I save this? What should I do now? Saying: “you don’t have anything nice to say to me” it won’t work right now.. please help 😢

[@katrinaewarak]

Not all, my ex still did not want to stop criticizing me. He said he will never change and if I have a problem I should leave. So I took our kids and moved out.

[@CarisaRae]

I appreciate his constructive criticism but he had a horrible unloving childhood and doesn't understand it's about balance... help me sure, but also think about ways you appreciate me. I'm guilty too.. I did not think about things from his point of view when we were younger... I now recognize his moodiness.. how he will have a harsh tongue when he's frustrated. Thanks for the advice.

[@CinemaDoll137]

I need this right now with my current boyfriend. He's incredibly nit picky. I don't know how to act, react, dress, speak, breathe around him. I already told him he could ruin a good thing but that I also don't want him to feel invalidated. Everything I say and do is wrong in his eyes. It's hardly even been 2 months and it's like he's trying to find something wrong and I don't know why???

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

It's likely that you may have doubts about yourself and are used to being criticized in your past experience and childhood. Your boyfriend may not be able to tolerate things about him that he disapproves of, and so makes out that it is you who has these attributes (it's called projection) - a well known defense against feeling ashamed. You don't have to accept it - the fact that you are trying to reason with him gives him the message that he was successful in pushing all his bad stuff into you. He will keep doing it you show him that it's working.

[@howcanipickaname]

Boo I hope you gave him the boot! You deserve to be happy and treated with respect. Life is short so why be an a-hole

[@salihacabro260]

I did all of this, and he became more angry because I said with nice voice that he never focuses on good sides. He starts telling that I'm delusional, that's not true (which is). I try to show him by an example giving good words for even the smallest things he does, ignoring bad things, but he won't copy my style of relationship and it hurts :(

[@ahh558]

When I used the technique, my partner responds with the sarcastic “well if thats what you think”! What should I do then?

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

“You don’t have anything good to say about me, do you?”

[@EdnaKathrin]

I am married with my husband for 3 years. But after we had our first baby, fights were more often. He never considers any single opinion or words coming out from my mouth. He always says negative about all my ideas. I am always crying. Two days we did not talk upto now. We are on long distance relationship.

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

You sound so sad and beaten down. It's possible that your husband experienced the first baby as a threat and competition for your love and attention. It's not uncommon in men especially if they have unresolved issues from their own childhoods about not being number one! It's even harder for the father to tolerate the baby being so attached to you because not only is it a rival but the father was responsible for its creation! So he can't hate the baby, and makes you the enemy, as if you have taken up with someone else and ditched him. The venom in his words attacks and breaks you. You can understand and cope better In this complex and fraught emotional phase, by taking a look at - painoffeelingunwanted.com/fatherhood/

[@beaulieuonnp593]

same here, all my ideas are shut down. Even just talking about the heatwave in the UK and people are queuing for water, I say it is a reminder that it's good to have some bottled water in the cupboard sometimes ie prepper cupboard. I get 'oh that will never happen, I will be alright'. He will never say that is a good idea. Always an instant shutdown perhaps he thinks 'oh that is a paranoid idea'. He can ignore loads of queues for bottles of water in other parts of the country, not far from him.

[@47mphill]

This was impossible for me to deal with unfortunately the resolution was a divorce

[@Allisonloosemore]

Thankyou

[@shantellhamel3028]

I've said this before, and he said that I was being too sensitive. That I dont care enough about what hes saying.

[@DrJeanetteRaymond]

The critical partner has to keep all threats about his fallibility at bay. So he is going to throw it back at you. When you stand up for yourself do it for you, rather than hoping the criticism will stop. Being assertive is a way of building up the protective layers that can defang the criticism. He won’t change, but you can get smarter about not giving him the power to hurt you.