How To Deal With An Avoidant Partner & Interpersonal Stress - Stan Tatkin - Smart Couple 104

How To Deal With An Avoidant Partner & Interpersonal Stress - Stan Tatkin - Smart Couple 104
relationshipschool.net/podcas...
Stan Tatkin returns and serves up another awesome dose of relationship advice through the lens of adult attachment. From how relationships impact your health, to helping your triggered or upset partner, to dealing with an avoidant partner, we cover a lot of ground as Stan answers 8 or so questions from you, the listener. This one is full of helpful tips to improve and enhance your connection over time.
SHOWNOTES
Why is the country feeling so much anxiety? [1:00]
The effect that your ‘allostatic load’ has on your life [3:00]
What chronic relationship stress can do to your health [5:00]
How to not take things personally [8:00]
Learning to ‘lead with relief’ to create a safer space for each other [12:00]
A great way to handle your partner getting triggered [14:00]
Why Carl Jung didn’t like taking patients under 35 [18:00]
A rough guide to dealing with avoidant-types/islands [21:00]
Should you force your teenager to make eye contact with you? [35:00]
The power of ‘jointly attending’ with a resistant partner [37:00]
‘Parallel play’ and its hidden dangers [39:00]
How to free up resources for higher development[42:00]
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method-called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy)-draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.
Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach.
Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling Wired For Love and Wired For Dating published by New Harbinger. StanTatkin.com

[@papadopp3870]

Im late to this game but I am often attracted to dismissive avoidant types. They have so much growth/pain to go thru to resolve. From the "wavy" outside one feels just gutted. Thanks so much for just about every tool, every defining term and new points of view in this interview.

[@sueblack5794]

Good information. Honestly, it is like walking on eggshells with avidants. sooner or later they will flee. Either emotionally or just leave the relationship. Unless they get treatment, it is a very hard relationship to maintain.

[@JaysonGaddis]

i hear you

[@ananeixon]

It is exhausted. I am not caring anymore. Go if you want. You will come back. It is always the same pattern.

[@Alphacentauri819]

By staying with them, we start to be co-conspirators to our own relational misery. Settling for less connection than we truly desire...and in that way, we invalidate, ignite, dismiss (just as they do) our own needs and boundaries, if we continue to do this dance. We become empowered when we realize we will continue to attract partners, who reflect our own core wound beliefs, back at us...unless we heal. So, healing is the most loving thing we can do, the most supportive thing to ourselves. We give to ourselves that which we complain the other isn’t showing up for...and quit putting they energy into someone who won’t, or can’t, reciprocate. I lived this. It was painful. I’m on my healing journey though and see it all so differently now. Feeling empowered in a way I didn’t know was possible. Hope you can experience that too 💫

[@allamericantreeservice3754]

She ask me if I wanted her to stay or go, I said I love you, I want you in my life, I think we have the ability to be a power couple. I set down to eat, she said she was gonna walk outside and smoke, and I have not seen her in weeks lol. Really it's happened so many times, I just don't give a crap anymore

[@billiejokicielinski7541]

I've been following Jayson for a while and I have to say your always spot on and the key points have been working for our relationship ..I've also been telling more people to watch and take pointers it's been working for me so far..thank you Jayson you'll never know how much it means to someone like me.

[@JaysonGaddis]

Excellent!

[@vickilynn9514]

Stan Tatkin is frankly brilliant. His points about relationships being either enlivening and inspiring our ability to take risks in the world, or to do the opposite, are so true. Ironically, I was training to be a therapist and gave up my career because my own relationship was so deadening that I didn't feel I was resourced enough to continue to be of help to other people. This has caused enormous loss in my life as I am now 49 and relationship therapy is still my major passion in life, but it is too late to pursue this path now. The relationship you choose to spend your life in has such wide ranging consequences, be careful who you choose

[@Alphacentauri819]

Abandoning our needs and boundaries for other, or due to toxic relationship, can be one of the saddest things we do to ourselves. Unfortunately we often pick people who reflect the ways we treat ourselves. I used to complain of my ex dismissing, ignoring and invalidating me. It wasn’t until I was doing deep work on my core wounds, that I realized I picked someone who treated me in ways I treat myself. A relationship that takes away from, or doesn’t support your goals/dreams is dismissive and invalidating to you. And as long as you allow it, you are a co-conspirator in your own misery. I know, I lived it. So much I said “no” (usually subconsciously) to my needs and boundaries and “yes” to things I didn’t want in the relationship, merely by staying. Please question your narrative of “it’s too late”.. People in their 50’s, 60’s and a few beyond have gone to college later. We often are our most limiting force...and we can turn that around, and when truly empowered, can be a force to reckon with. I hope you heal, pursue your dreams, live your passion and have peace💫

[@Alphacentauri819]

The Personal Development School is the most helpful resource I have found on KZbin. I hope she inspires you as much as she has inspired me. I was an RN, but I’m going to go back to school and provide help to people. I’m in my 40’s and don’t believe it’s too late. I’m not dead yet. Helping others is a dream and pasión of mine too.

[@growthhackenginecom]

Alive and kicking? It’s not too late. I have chosen myself at 60 to start a new career pursue my art and finally get lots of help and do the personal work so I can have a better relationship with myself and bring a partner in. I’ve recently tasted what that can be. I want it! I was married for 20 years and it wasn’t good. I divorced a few years ago. What is my choice in life? To quit on myself or take little steps. I’m amazed at what things I’ve learned, experience and done in the last couple years with this attitude.

[@joannamario7759]

Hi! Thanks alot for this interview with Dr.Stan. your questions and input are absolutely brilliant. Pls can you have another interview with him, or make a video on how to manage an island in the long term, and retaining sanity, while working towards achieving marriage with him? Pls keep up the good work 👍

[@Acapellachick27]

Thank you, moving closer to security ❤️

[@katherenewedic8076]

Jeez Jung.... If I hadn't seen a therapist between 10 & 29 I would have been dead sometime before 30. Also, the more work you do before 35 the better

[@JaysonGaddis]

:)

[@ruggedlifejewelry]

There is an absolute connection between avoidant dismissive partner's and sex/porn addiction issues (fear of intimacy) which is breaking down society from the family outwards. Please talk bring awareness to this research.

[@Ikr2025]

Yes, my DA husband has been addicted to porn since I met him. I had assumed he would stop but he never did. I find it repulsive.

[@mishmarie4170]

“People say ALL kinds of FUCKING SHIT and they have NO IDEA what they’re talking about” - Stan Tatkin 💜💜💜🙌🏻

[@JaysonGaddis]

🙏

[@thedudeandstuff169]

wow, fantastic interview Jason. thank you

[@JaysonGaddis]

for sure!

[@Mm10122]

His voice is so soothing

[@kirstinstrand6292]

I am an island based on childhood needs to be self sufficient. Now, as an island, a day apart from my coregulator is similar to the space that is created in meditation, between breaths. I carry my safe feelings of my co regulator within me. When we rejoin in communication after a day, I feel as if days have passed, and I'm always eager to connect again! Am I still an Island, after years of self observation and self psychological work?

[@grawakendream8980]

21:00 is visionary for relationships

[@JaysonGaddis]

yes

[@themaggattack]

Thank you for this interview. It's brimming with meaningful, important and pertinent topics from beginning to end. You give such helpful insights. I appreciate the concept of "Lead with releif", and I particularly appreciate that you pointed out *both people* must share that common goal. (Oh boy did I try to explain these concepts to my parents all my life!!) Clarify that you have perceived their meaning correctly. Apologize if necessary, and immediately move on to something more enjoyable. Focus on one thing efficiently, don't keep piling things on, don't focus on making people explain their motives. It all seems so logical and so possible... *IF* both parties are leading with relief. (Now- if only medical science could discover a way to get narcessists to do any of this!!!)

[@JaysonGaddis]

glad you liked it

[@themaggattack]

@47:40 Hahaha!!! I didn't see that coming!! What a great way to sum up all that brilliant clinical insight!

[@mishmarie4170]

LOVE Stan!!!!!!!!!

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks for watching

[@Birdmacher]

@21:00 Stan talks about the experience of islands in love and conflict

[@amberscottcmt7400]

Early to mid forties is the time of one's Uranus oppositron. Around 50-52 is the time of Chiron return. These two periods in addition to the Saturn return around 28-30 mark significant periods of time in our development. I'm one year past my Uranus opposition date. It's effect will continue 2-3 more years and I can palpably feel the shift from last July. It's the most useful component of astrology. I never got caught up with charts, but these periods are as incredibly relatable as they are to all of us, because there is something to these 3 influences and how we develop through life.

[@theservinggirl]

Super helpful 👏🏾

[@JaysonGaddis]

which part?

[@theservinggirl]

Jayson Gaddis 27:30 !! I love the suggestions of clear actions especially I know you’re going to miss me part

[@lisarussell8874]

Stan has great eyes.

[@JaysonGaddis]

😊

[@gorantomas]

Does anyone have more info (or resources) on this point at 31 min, where Stan talks about flipping the roles (in a therapeutic settings) and how do you do that?

[@katherenewedic8076]

Open relationships the most feminine is the one who will suffer the most from that concept

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks for your feedback

[@petadean6550]

Wonderful, thank you! 🙏🏻 I'm having trouble finding Episode 53. Could you please reply with the link?

[@JaysonGaddis]

did you find it? just google jayson gaddis stan tatkin podcast and both will show up

[@natalieboyd9840]

Jayson Gaddis

[@jadalee6508]

It seems like he's talking about how they teach parents how to teach a child with autism. With parallel play and even how to get them to look into ur eyes. Same concept of how to do it but for adults. Is this the problem with children with autism? Something to do with attachment styles?

[@JaysonGaddis]

Good question

[@Alphacentauri819]

My ex has Aspergers, late life diagnosis, but also has the background that would lead to dismissive avoidant attachment. He seems to think he has both, as do I...but much to still be learned about this.

[@senseiwackadoodle9402]

Attachment and autism aren't connected. That is an incredibly outdated view that was had early on when autism wasn't understood. Way back when there was an implication that autism was connected to refrigerator mothers. This has been discredited.

[@roelofventer1729]

How do I find Episode 53, please. Nothing apliccable comes up when I do a search.

[@igorgiusti2269]

relationshipschool.com/podcast/how-to-feel-safe-secure-with-your-partner-with-stan-tatkin-sc-53/

[@carolj7586]

I became anxious attachment style when i was with avoidant ex. I am actually avoidant style

[@JaysonGaddis]

yes. that can happen

[@kubawarzecha1770]

That' because, besides some extreme cases of some unaware total loosers, and in the context we speaking of, there is no such thing as an anxious partner. There's only DA's partner. So called "anxious attachment" is merely a contextual concept. While in relationship avoidants, and other similar types that are dangerously close to cluster b tendencies (these very often walk boldly together side by side. No surprise there as the roots of these tendencies are the same) come from the position of power and control, and that's them who creates and controls the whole narration. With avoidant every little and reasonable expectation of intimacy, reciprocation and accountability is seen and classified as "needeness", clinginess" "anxious atachment" and so on and so forth, and it's yet another convenient excuse to stay in avoidant's sweet and safe land of fantasy. This is power and control thing and an incredible urge to create space as safest as it can be, where they can safely embrace their unhealthy behaviors, no matter the cost.

[@KYRA_FX]

Perhaps you're a fearful avoidant and either sides of your attachment were activated when with the opposite partner.

[@Alphacentauri819]

That sounds way more likely if you were a fearful avoidant (otherwise known as anxious-avoidant or disorganized). Fearful avoidant has features of both anxious-preoccupied and dismissive avoidant and can be triggered to express one aspect more strongly depending on who they’re around. Like fearful avoidant leaning dismissive..and so on. I was a fearful avoidant leaning anxious and after being with an avoidant so long, I kicked in with a lot more deactivating realms and now text higher in the avoidance realm. I highly recommend taking the quiz on the Personal Development School. It’ll show your percentages for all 4 aspects...Secure, AP, FA, and DA. It can definitely change.

[@nclmbin8]

Wow

[@JaysonGaddis]

🙏🏼

[@kbthankful7799]

Which book has advice for a wave, me, but I am aware and been applying principles for change and accepting responsibility. My on again and off again relationship and he is an island but he keeps coming back to me and I explained I can't go back unless we both decide to commit to working it out etc anyways this is the first time he admitted that he knows there are things he needs to change and asked if there was any hope for him and asked if I could help. Of course I believe that just based on my own life waking up and beginning to learn and grow meanwhile beginning to understand others and there internal struggles and self talk ect and I see thru that now. What book is best to help me help him without it being to overwhelming and uncomfortable for him. The island discribes him and he's even stated the very words to describe himself. I have empathy now because I see why and I know he loves me. He doesn't understand why he can't let me go. So the best book or advice would be appreciated. I don't want him to feel criticized and not enough which is how he views it when I used to try to bond and get close. I want him to feel better and worthy so please help. Thank you!

[@JaysonGaddis]

All stan's books are great. wired for love would be good for you.

[@johelka7901]

Attached by Amir Levine M.D and Rachel S.F Heller, M.A.

[@Alphacentauri819]

The Personal Development School website and KZbin channel changed my life. I realized I have fearful avoidant attachment and her channel helped me identify my core wounds. Core wounds happen in childhood and inform the lens with which we view ourselves, the world, others and relationships. Subconscious programming is what created many of those core wounds...and is what lays out our narratives (meaning we apply to external events and others motives...which can be pretty skewed at times). My ex had dismissive avoidant attachment. Unfortunately, a lot of their behavior is anti-relationship. Their fears are so powerful...that if they don’t do the work, they’ll keep engaging in anti-relationship behavior. I’ve found, as I’ve healed and become more secure..I don’t have a toleration for dismissive behavior. A big reason is...I stopped dismissing myself so much! That was revolutionary, to realize this. It took a bit of deep digging and work..but when we dismiss our needs and boundaries (not saying how we truly feel, what we really want, trying to keep peace...and on an on) we attract (and will tolerate) someone who is similar. I know I deserve better now. The reflection back of my “unworthy” core wound, I had no idea was even part of the equation. I picked a great partner to trigger all my stuff! Doing the work, I see myself and relationships so differently. I don’t want to date again, yet...but I like myself better than I ever had. I accept myself more...and that is key to attracting a loving, supportive partner...because you won’t tolerate anything less! Blessings 💫

[@rp3741]

So how did things turn out @kbthankful?

[@glennefletcher1199]

The assumption that poly means the same as an open relationship is incorrect. Poly relationships don’t mean uncommitted or open. They are committed and clearly defined in an above board manner. Instead of 2 people in a relationship there are agreed upon family members. It doesn’t mean open. Check your knowledge of types of relationships. Open and poly are not the same!

[@rafael55]

Dr Stan seems plenty smart.

[@JaysonGaddis]

Thanks!

[@herminlionel1909]

You look like Thanos in the thumbnail.

[@JaysonGaddis]

did you learn anything?

[@funkytess096]

I've never heard the term " an island" what does it mean?

[@JaysonGaddis]

island = avoidant

[@kimberlywatwood3112]

Swearing triggers me.

[@JaysonGaddis]

good practice for accepting others

[@Alphacentauri819]

It’s good to know your triggers and then empower yourself in ways you can control.

[@freeandcriticalthinker4431]

Classic example of why most people should probably NOT infect their channel and videos with such Partisan crap. So in a legitimate and Customary comparison, will you guys update this to 2-2023? Course not…. Of course not. So why not stay with the core of the channel? ??It’s hard to see a lot of talent and the channel to simply become a hapless victim of this political parasitism. A waste that so many people can’t resist this path. I can’t see why……