How to deal with asian parents | Part 1 | S&SS Ep 14

WHY are Asian parents like that?! A special episode Kev and Miki wish they could have listened to in their youth. In time with AAPIHM, they discuss cultural expectations, "acceptable" educational paths, relationships and how to introduce your partner to your partners, mental health and empty nesting. They discuss solutions for many common problems and what they've learned, cause hindsight.. is 2020.
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[@cinephile0620]

I had a roomate in college who is Korean. I still remember the terror and genuine anxiety she felt at the prospect of telling her mom she had a boyfriend who was 27 and still in college. She was 21 years old. She broke down and started crying after a phone call with her mom because she genuinely made her feel like she could not live her own life. I felt so bad for her and just held her as she cried for like 30 minutes. I remember thinking “this is not right”. No kid or adult should feel this afraid of their parents.

[@tweeze123]

Asian parents make our lives so difficult. I think every person who grew up with such parents have trauma. I am 35 and only recently starting to finally let go of my anger.....

[@gavins9846]

Real. Tho im 23 right now. I felt a lot better after leaving school, going to work in manual labor then now joining the canadian army. Being in places where it's the norm to fight back and be rough has totally rebuilt my confidence.

[@mosesting2859]

Perhaps something wrong with you…but if you’re on the right path than thank goodness to your parents

[@SallyAlmito]

@@gavins9846This is great advice! Thank yıubfor sharing your experience.

[@jaky411]

I’m 34 and still have trauma from my strict/enmeshed mother…

[@lindalim7200]

I totally feel you. Everything gets better once you let the anger go and live life to your terms. Not gonna be easy, but rewarding

[@AshleyChing-c3o]

We are our own people, not extensions of them. Draw boundaries. Say no. You have free will.

[@thursmornsunlight]

Whenever I am with my parents, I only cry or get mad. With my friends, strangers or colleagues. I don't breakdown. I don't explode. It's hard to deal with my parents. I don't speak, they take it as an offence. I speak they tell me I shouldn't talk back. I tried talking and having a dialogue but it's more harm than good. They are never sorry, they don't feel they're sorry because they provided for me. I am thankful, because if it weren't for them I'd have to work more hours. But at the same time, if I don't have to deal with this emotional trauma and be able to stand up more for myself at my work place. I think I'd be better off. More salary, better respected because I can stand up for myself. That sort of thing.

[@cgarcia660]

God, this podcast just confirms the two faced, duplicitous nature of Asian parents. And why do we play along and not confront the inequity and indict them?

[@SandyMac312]

Can I just start off by saying how I love love that you guys are covering these topics. Growing up as an Asian American while also having that immigrant identity and now that I’m a parent and my kids are first Gen, I never want certain things my parents imposed on me and impose those on my kids because I’m mentally traumatized. I threw out the filial piety the moment I realized I can’t stand up for myself no matter how badly elders talk down on me. Now I don’t hold back, because I’ve had enough of being told what to do even in my 30s. Sigh, thank you for speaking on this and listening to y’all’s perspectives. Love you two!

[@scrubsandsoysauce]

Thank you for listening!

[@hoangvu9360]

@@scrubsandsoysauce I have found a way to stabilize the finance health like a nurse. In a short term, I can work 70 hours per week with a labor job and earn as much as a nurse. In a long term, just like you said in the video, find a gf/bf and buy a house on a mortgage together.

[@cgarcia660]

I’m Asian female and only recently did I realize, cognitively and experientially, that I was disowned by my family for marrying the “wrong” person. It’s like a cult growing up in an Asian household. ☠️🥺😡

[@maytemmz25]

I love you guys, and loved this episode but I personally don’t think they do all this out of love. They just lack self-awareness and they’re super immature. It’s kinda like a mental illness really. I don’t think any healthy and mature adult can treat their kids this way. Bc let’s be honest, it’s traumatizing. Even something as simple as not being able to talk back has caused me pain both in my professional and personal life. And that’s just one of the many negative outcomes of the “parenting” I was subjected to. Loving parents don’t treat their kids this way.

[@theia1653]

You never grow up in this culture. If parents sacrifice and devote literally everything for you, they will never pursue their own dreams or have any, so they just stay in perpetual stagnation and live it out through their kids. The kids never reach their full potential because they were never allowed to do anything on their own, have autonomy, discover their own passions, and have been traumatized into a helpless state. There is more maturity in an individualist western culture because kids are treated as if they are young adults, expected to be independent from birth, and are encouraged to have opinions. You aren't allowed to talk back even to defend yourself because of the confucian hierarchy and you will never be equals with APs no matter how old or accomplished, that they would listen and are open to learning from you, or agree to do it your way. Only obedience, narcissists act like children, the culture is a breeding ground for NPD and has made it the norm for thousands of years.

[@SallyAlmito]

@@theia1653Whew… Nailed it!

[@AHKDM]

I think you two are just too nice and decent when talking about these topics. I'm a lot harsher when I deal with my parents because the way I was brought up really negatively affected my adult life. I had to unlearn a lot of things and go through therapy to undo the damage.

[@MeikyuuButterfly17]

As a daughter of Mexican immigrant parents I feel that there is so many similarities between Asian and Mexican families when it comes to family dynamics. Super relatable! I really enjoyed this ep!

[@ericad8412]

I'm Latina and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it but yes I agree

[@BenjaminAlternate]

FINALLY there are people actually talking about this instead of just memes or comedy skits

[@monchichipower6334]

I found dating a non Asian or non Chinese person make life easier with my Chinese parents My Chinese parents treated my ex Chinese gf like shit But when I got a white gf she was treated a lot better and was quiet most of the time Big factor is the language barrier and they can’t communicate It’s for the best I don’t need more drama and headaches

[@SuperxJen]

much needed topic!! the struggle is real

[@karlavasquez1162]

I really enjoyed today's episode! Despite the different culture, I find much similarities in mine, and can relate to things like pursuing certain majors in college or calling your people everyday in college!

[@lalalajoey]

Lol lowkey want you guys have a Chinese subtitle, so i can share with my parents 😂

[@kccthurow]

For this episode, yes!

[@vn9393]

Thank you for this topic since I can relate to you two. FYI, I was in your shoe 30 years ago with the aha moment when I finished graduate school. I'm following you two to better understand my children who just started college and about to start college. I came to the US when I was 12 and I can related to you two on growing up but now it is a reminder not to do with my children. Also the mental health topic is right on point.

[@sallibyul4697]

I love this topic. I'm currently living with my parents who like you guys, moved to America so me and my siblings have a better future. I'm currently working in the creative/marketing field, so I do have stable income, not life changing money but enough, more than what my parents make. And they don't expect me to help them at all, but my parents doesn't make a lot of money themselves, so I feel guilty because they work so hard for me to be where I am so I want to help. And I have this battle where it's like.. they arent asking, its fine, but then i see them working hard, and so I feel like I should help, but I don't have a lot of money or resources available to help them the way I'd like to help them... its such a struggle for me hahah.

[@heavenseeker2320]

I don’t know about your parent but most parent are just content seeing their child is doing well for themself. I suffer from the same problem too but once I actually have a drink and sat down with my parent and ask other parent, they are just glad to see you happy and healthy. Most parent are just worry that their child will struggle in the future, that why they want to give their child the best.

[@kevinwng]

Navigating the culture is the most challenging part. Parents were kids at one point too and they had their own frustrations and challenges. Now that I'm a parent I'm not following entirely in their footsteps but I do understand better their perspective, and I feel I'm in a better place to pick and choose what works for my family from the Asian and Western cultures I grew up in.

[@thebiggestduck9221]

2:40 I talked back to my Chinese parents and just delt with the consequences

[@fancynin12]

That's some real s*** man I empathize with your struggle

[@monchichipower6334]

This type of parenting end up with kids that don’t tell you much Be it in the childhood or later as an adult White people it’s open communications fb and discussion and nothing is hidden

[@ihiaolookihiatoo1640]

Man am i facing this thing about my dad cannot just fkin say sorry. Im like, really? You lectured me bout smth and when you do it that shit flies.

[@CarolynTheAsian]

I feel like I really needed to hear this.

[@woodrunner8]

I’m crying on my way to work and relate so much, born in HK and moved to USA 1990. It’s been a struggle with my father

[@alisonzhang6162]

This shit was so relatable lmaooo. Great video- I loved the topics

[@maggiec.757]

This episode is on point! Thank you for this video!

[@nana3869]

I kept replaying this episode multiple times. Im understand why Miki said ‘you needa be prepared to handle all your financials if you don’t take your parents recommendation’ but I’m SHOCKED that you rationalized it to make it sounds like a rule. This is a really typical Asian thing as conditional love. I don’t mean that parents should support you no matter what kinda stupid decisions you made. But this ‘I will take back everything if you don’t listen to me’ as if it’s a punishment just makes me SICK.

[@anonyfamous42]

The kids are the retirement system in Asia not your investment or the state for some European countries .

[@ceyleah.t]

us asian offsprings were coerced to sacrifice emotionally abusive upbringing for a financially dependant shelter. being half chinese and raised by them, i hate the fact that the generational trauma was mostly inherited by communism and toxic filial piety. its heavily affected my financial stability by weaponizing it, also relationships too, basically a burden to my dna and future. so i choose to never financially return them since they married for money and not love and prioritised money over all life goals. i wont ever support them financially until theyve learned to wisen up.

[@monchichipower6334]

Lot Chinese kids don’t leave the nest during college It’s very expensive I went to a local college near by so I didn’t have much change Lot kids have stunted social skills and date late in life . By that time it’s too late and gave up later and don’t care to find a partner and don’t get married and means no grandchildren for them As you get older the harder it is to find a gf . Most are married and taken or single moms You find out life is easier being alone and you rather be alone considering the divorce rate in North America and the laws that favour women Why bother. Just have a gf and that’s it

[@embershen364]

I went to find this video because my parents just shouted at me in a batshit crazy manner. For context, i'm 30 and my sister is 17. Her prom is on 2 Dec 2024 after her A lvl exams end on 28 Nov. Her school ask for payment, so i paid, and i just notify my parents that it will be held at (where and when). cause if her prom is at 5pm, then before that i need to bring her to do manicure, do hair, makeup. so I'm taking leave from work. my parents scolded me bc they didnt think she nd to go, they foresee her results will be bad, so they want to punish her in advance. Also, they think it's a waste of money, my sister is so vain. anything that spends money and isnt useful for studies, my sister is not allowed to go.

[@jaky411]

I definitely got the harsh you have to become a doctor…

[@mosesting2859]

Thanks to your parents . Good kid and great parents 👍🏽👍🏽

[@jaycee5676]

Wish saw this earlier than now! For British (British Asian refers to Indian sub continent so I'll have to refer to British Chinese lol)....your experiences mirror exactly what I've experienced in the UK! It's engrained in the tiger parent lol. We're Foreign raised but our parents are the same and I answer the questions before you guys give the answer and it's the same

[@thaithaovy.1]

omgg so relatable I didn't expect!

[@gracechan8735]

Wheee new episode ❤

[@cgarcia660]

I disagree that you can find love from within to find your self worth. I think parents have to model that for you as your first teacher. So many of us learn that we had to perform and fulfill tasks and roles without getting any of the resources, support or love. It’s sickening. 🤢🤕

[@greentofuhouse]

Can you give us an example but that will not get you in trouble? Lollllllll

[@alishiaaziz494]

This is so relatable

[@eddyrameau196]

I think that is common among families whose parents aren’t from here, like my parents

[@mosesting2859]

mental health is just an excuses for weaknesses and laziness…learn to accept the fact and take responsibility. If you’re smart then continue on academic path..if you’re not academically smart then after 21 start working. Stay aware from drugs and alcohols. Work hard…that is it. If not successful at least survive and settle somewhere at mid income

[@editakim69]

my parents wanted me to an investment banker or hedgefund trader, because they actually pay more $$$$, too bad Im bad at maths

[@dac8939]

Boring

[@ameliatan0309]

Don't watch?

[@dac8939]

@@ameliatan0309 I know i made mistake click ing.

[@chenchenji7049]

direct response and follow the rule, I find it so true, haha what I am going through🥲🥲