How To Escape The Cycle Of Reactive Abuse In A Relationship | Mad.In.Love podcast

[@mollybrewster288]

Oh yes, to have someone believe us means everything! My Pastor did not believe me nor my husband’s best friend, the 2 people who possibly could have brought him to accountability. The abuse is horrendous but it hurts even more when we aren’t believed. 💔😔

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Unfortunately emotional abuse is largely covert and the reason it continues to be perpetuated, because of a lack of accountability and how easy it is for them to be duplicitous

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

If you can’t take accountability for your bad behaviour .. it’ll be like talking to the wall .. never closure .. that’s why we ruminating about these encounters with them . And they love it !

[@lisatrengove-jones1110]

Totally been there, TWICE

[@Eclectifying]

Truth!

[@moonshine2273]

@@lisatrengove-jones1110 me too💫

[@janathena7164]

There are a lot of REALLY BAD counselors out there. On top of that, a toxic spouse can learn how to be even more covert with their abuse after "coaching" from a marriage counselor. At one point, I felt so anxious after years of emotional abuse, I went to my doctor to ask for help. He put me on anti-anxiety meds, an anti-depresant & sleeping pills. I eventually realized that what I really needed was a divorce.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

You are right on both points. Here are 2 videos - one that talks about using counseling to further abuse: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qWi1eKpnr9Kha6s and the other on the physical consequences of emotional abuse: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bqGXaKytf92Dh8U

[@io5246]

Absolutely! I will not take any meds, because the problem was never with me, but with the cancer that is narcissism and how it shrivels our self worth. If we have enough to love outwardly and survive the attempted murder of who we are, then we can heal. God is in those that love, and he makes all things new💖the devil cannot kill love, it's only an illusion from the master of deciept.

[@darkhorse7460]

So great. In hindsight that's good in case you're being set up for a future mental illness claim.@@io5246

[@michaelchilders1006]

I'm glad some people are starting to talk about female covert narcissists. Can you imagine how hard it is for people to believe you if you're male? They're more likely to make fun of you.

[@melissaphillis7247]

You're not kidding. I've had a stroke , paralysis of right side, the marriage counsellor heard that it's been hard on hubby....and said that I needed a Neuropsychiatrist. The damage is no where near that part of the brain. I have decided, after 25 years of being emotionally and physically neglected I'm not taking it anymore, and say so. It's not well received. But I'm responsible for my response and shall endeavour to respond correctly.

[@lb3410]

When I told my doctor about an incident that had happened and how bad I felt about the words that came out of my mouth in response and that I shouldn't have done it she told me it was normal to react to abuse with anger. I immediately started defending what my husband had done that I responded to and she got indignant with me. She asked me if I would excuse that kind of behavior in myself. I said no. She told me to stop excusing it in him. That was the first time it really started to sink in to me that it wasn't all my fault. Her words that day changed how I look at things.

[@denisejohnson6392]

Exactly

[@EssaryMichele]

I see reactive abuse as trying to survive. You can either sit back and allow it, become a door mat, or stand up for yourself. When you just take it, the abuser thinks you're just weak and will just tolerate it.

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

With toxic ppl .. silence is golden ! .. these creatures live & breath for your reaction , when you stare at them and think 🤔 here comes the gaslighting , projection and walk away your winning , bc if you argue back you never , ever win .. bc these subhumans will stoop so low it’s shocking what they say and it’s usually your character , never closure or agreement , just rip your soul out and eat it in front of you .☠️

[@user-ry3dt3hx5t]

I tried the silence is golden but just got worse! What works for me is standing up to him without being defensive. Throwing everything he gives to me back at him treat him how he treats me god forgive me, without caring about what he thinks and says about me. One step closer to freedom 🙏🏻

[@cyndigooch1162]

Michele Smith I've found that it depends on the person and the situation though, because many of them thoroughly enjoy the reaction and fighting, or it can result in physical abuse, which I've experienced in the past. 🙁

[@letmework6254]

@@victoriavitoroulis3273 Silence is golden WHEN the abuser is looking to pick a fight. But silence as in indifference and not silence as in scared to silence as to enable him and perpetuate the abuse. BIG difference between the two and it takes the abused YEARS to learn the difference.

[@letmework6254]

@@user-ry3dt3hx5t yes, indifference is golden would be a better way of stating this issue. Silence if it is out of fear and just obeying is to enable and perpetuate

[@a.humphries8678]

My husband would say my feeling unseen, dismissed, gaslighted, manipulated, unvalued, argued with, criticized, is my issue, that I just continually misunderstand him and take everything the wrong way. How can you argue with that? And, the satisfaction he's gotten when I've lost it and crazy making has won has been devastating. It feels like he's baiting me into defiling myself. I don't trust him at all.

[@shellymcdermott5691]

Wow..your words depict how I feel often too. Such a heartbreaking and frustrating reality.

[@beegirl8884]

He is baiting you. He wants you to lose your cool. He wants you to look like the crazy one. It’s intentional. He knows what he’s doing. Anything to shift the blame to you and to make you feel bad about yourself. We have remorse & empathy. They do not. My ex covert Narc would tell me, “You’re so easy,” and laugh. They get off on pushing our buttons and getting a reaction from us. It is emotional abuse.

[@Eclectifying]

Been there, done that! Don’t EVER want to be there or do that again!

[@jp5419]

He is! And you have to stop giving your power away. Heal yourself by getting back to life. Engage. See friends. Join a hiking group or whatever your interests are. Spend less time with him and surround yourself with positive people who raise your vibration. Slowly but surely you’ll get back to yourself. Ultimately they never change and the only real solution is to leave. They are so empty and boring and arrogant. Lots of shame. Empty. Don’t become like them.

[@JazzybBlessed]

Same here girl stay strong and pray for us to make it out alive or at least in peace ❤❤❤

[@rachelbranham4823]

I went to a Christian counselor to help me stop "overreacting". I have never been overreactive...thanks for explaining what happened to me

[@DahliaBrynn]

My husband claimed the counselor agreed I was crazy. I was devastated at the time. Now I understand that that was a lie.

[@mollybrewster288]

Yes, it’s so hard to explain the covert abuse! And I started swearing & acting in a way totally unlike me! It was then that I realized I needed help! I have learned to stay true to myself and be who God made me to be despite the abuse. And God is now delivering me from this destructive marriage! I have never known such evil & cruelty coming at me! I pray God heals me from this trauma. 🙏🏼

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Healing from this kind of trauma is possible! Thanks for sharing your story and please reach out if you need help.

[@beautifulqueenenterprises]

I’m dealing with the same and praying for healing for us all

[@LisaHopkinsSeegmiller]

How did God deliver you?

[@mollybrewster288]

@@LisaHopkinsSeegmiller my husband filed for divorce since he wasn’t getting his narcissistic supply anymore. He is throwing me away like a piece of trash. But, I’m thankful to be getting out! 🙏🏼

[@bd7628]

I relate

[@EssaryMichele]

Thank you for validating neglect. I spent 20 years in a marriage where I felt like I might as well be nothing but a piece of furniture. There was almost no affection, sex, or emotional connection. But he didn't physically abuse me. At least not until toward the end, which is part of why I finally left. I tried for years to love him and get love in return. We were basically roommates but we got along most of the time. In the end however, a loveless marriage that turned into an abusive one wasn't enough. I felt like I slowly died in that relationship and wanted to live again.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Yes! You deserve to live and love to the fullest! That is what we were created for. Thanks for sharing.

[@conniesmith5350]

Mine treated things better

[@tinaknowles4016]

All of this is so true and so sad to think about how long I genuinely tried and partly because of the continual betrayal of my parent's narcissistic input. I dont believe i heard you don't mention the pattern of undermining and sabotage.

[@bronwynsimons7028]

That's where I am right now dear friend. We're mere room mates No physical abuse yet... But gross emotional neglect But I'm planning my escape by End Decemebr 2023 God willing🎉 This is no life to live in a marriage I know.... If you desire a lonely marriage, marry a narc

[@ashanti3869]

This is EXACTLY what I've gone through the past 8 yrs...only to leave him and get in a different type of emotionally abusive relationship...im just realizing how damaged I am from the things I've allowed

[@bkinzer248]

At 31.22, she says someone can't make you do something that you don't choose to do. But if she is shredded beyond capacity, when she has reached that thousandth cut and the blood has been drained so to speak, at some point all one has left is the trauma response of fight, flight, flee, or faun. None of which heals. THIS is the twisting point. This is where the shell of a woman tries anything she has left just to make it stop, even for a little while.

[@michellethomas4928]

This is the most healing video I have ever heard on this topic. It is so hard to describe the things happening in a toxic marriage that are due to neglect or what's not being done. Also, being unheard, gaslighted, never having your feelings or experiences be validated, the blame shifting, and lack of emotional connection...it is so destructive and it literally makes you waste away. I don't even want to get on reactive abuse! They cyclically trigger/provoke and when you're fed up to the core and react (albeit unfavorably), then they act as the victim!

[@SharayahBlessedChild]

Thank you so much for all of this. I am just starting my healing process. I still have no answer as to whether I can stay or I need to leave, but I am here gaining understanding and being able to finally name what has remained elusively un-named for over three decades in my marriage.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

That's wonderful to hear your have started your healing process. Personal healing must come first before relationship healing. One cannot happen without the other.

[@melissagoebel4798]

@@drdavidbhawkinsHow do you heal personally? I so need healing.

[@smallhouseinthemeadow6131]

I can explain this dynamic of acting out "bad behavior" as someone who has been verbally and emotionally abused and neglected for 22 years. After suffering this kind of abuse, I become SO enraged, like a pressure cooker who has nowhere else for the built up steam (pain) to go that I am no longer willing to tolerate it and so I began to fight back. I fight back now, but he won't back down and stop his behavior and so the fighting back makes me feel empowered enough to realize I will no longer take it and am starting to make an escape plan. The anger helps to propel me forward towards making a new life for myself where I will be loved, respected, and valued.You know...the things we deserve, simply because we are human? I can bet that if you interview a room full of women who endure this, that the one's who act out have reached their tolerance level. I think this is a wonderful thing, because we will look at ourselves and decide that we don't like becoming like the perpetrator and that is when we become empowered enough to finally leave. I can only speak to my experience, but I am curious as to whether there are other women who are finally getting the strength to leave after we get as angry as they are?

[@crystalwhite4887]

Me!

[@melissagoebel4798]

How did you do it? I haven’t worked in 25 years. I stayed home and home schooled my kids. Everything you said above is true. I don’t know who I am any more. I act in ways I’m so ashamed of, ways not at all like me. But I just can’t take it anymore. My daughter is now estranged and I am dying inside. My boys love me but don’t want to deal with any of this.

[@SheilaChung-rt5iy]

I also called my local domestic abuse shelter and when I explained my situation they said I don’t fit their criteria because I’m not in immediate danger/harm.

[@hollikrebs]

I understand. It’s so hard. God is still with you. Pray to Father God and Jesus and they will help you. I have not left for 33 years and it’s been hellish but the Lord had still been with me and loving me and helping me but I don’t think even God can change a narcissist if they stubbornly refuse to repent truly to God. The Lord Loves you with His Perfect Love. He is Love and He is not the author of evil.

[@mitra3021]

Throwing it back around... When you feel emotionally abused, invisible, unheard, gaslit, manipulated ect is it abusive to not want to accept or give affection freely. Afraid to have conversations that have any level of depth because of the potential of conflict ect. Still communicating just doing it carefully and guarded. Avoiding interactions to avoid conflict avoid initiating conversation to avoid conflict. How do we give to someone freely who you feel abused by.

[@letmework6254]

Mitra. You’re on the right track. It’s taken years for me to get there. That’s called HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. The abuser will hate it and all hell breaks loose because they have lost their control over you. That is NOT disrespectful or abusive. God does not want us to ”give freely” to an abuser. One who is not following his commandments in how to treat their spouse. Please protect yourself emotionally from this evil.

[@missnicolak]

This is exactly how I feel, I avoid engaging deeply with my partner for fear of the arguement, he can be very cutting and mean and very hypercritical and often telling me Im doing the things he is doing. I don't feel like being intimate with him as I don't trust him with my feelings enough to be vulnerable(past experiences with him depict this) but when I've tried to explain this he thinks I'm gate keeping intimacy which points me being the abusive one, it's mucked with my head so much.

[@katerynapoydyuk3925]

Avoid this, avoid that….. maybe in general , AVOID YOUR ENERGY GOING INTO BUILDING ANYTHING WITH HIM. ANYTHING!!!! As soon as you recognize that you are unrecognizable yourself, that you act like real you, LEAVE HIM….. Him, who used you in order to cover himself up with your strength and great humanity. Please, dear women, don’t waste a single day on him !!!!! 🙏

[@SunflowerEyes252]

Well described. I can relate 💌 Once I started to attempt to stand my ground, some behaviors escalated. They wanted the "old" me back.

[@michellethomas4928]

Exactly, you summed up Exactly how I feel.

[@judysteinfeldt3159]

So scary because it is so true. My husband is a self proclaimed expert. He “knows” I am crazy and can “prove” I am. It doesn’t help that he is a doctor.

[@dragonmom495]

Exactly. When the ex isn't around, I don't get twisted, i actualluly function quite well in my work and regular life, just calm and to myself. When he was/is near, I exist as a twisted mess. Always. He'd push and push and spin and gaslight and then go 'see, you're crazy' and the equation and leveling...so on point. All of this talk is so incredibly accurate and important.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for your feedback and hope you found our content helpful.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

I feel the same

[@kevinewing-oo8ix]

i can live with myself. i smiled when he pouted, i still did my work, i still made a nice home, i still prayed for him, when i got upset, i may have been "curt" but i use my words masterfully and i was direct, i was not profane. i was patient till now, everything we own is broken from neglect....... it's a life theme for my abuser. me too!!!!! no matter what or how something was said... no amount of calm, yep...

[@cheerfulmouse]

"The more covert the abuse, the harder it is it identify and explain (convey)" Thank You! 😭 So thankful for this organization. And for getting information out to be easily consumed and shared. God Bless You! 🙏

[@hain7]

So true, others do not see that he is the way i say... bc he guards that to a fault.

[@michellebudziszewski8242]

My problem is that after i realized what was happening he had already planned how to hurt me more when i left. The post separation abuse is another level. His rich family is protecting him. I have to keep up my courage and fight for my girl who at 8 sees right through him. Amazing hes gotten away with as much as he has but i cant get caught up on believing the threats. Thank you for helping us out here make it through.

[@bumblebee5990]

My husband says that I am abusive when I do not praise him, or if I feel rejected, ignored, or if I am upset when he hurts me. He feels it’s abusive when I get a little sarcastic when nothing else gets through the brick wall of his resistance and I foolishly desire to be heard and for his behavior towards me. But there is no way I can be heard, so there is no point in communicating so I have stopped. I understand that no human need of mine will be met, no words I speak will be acknowledged, I am to live in his mind and to have no needs and to praise him endlessly. As no positive return will occur without excessive praise, I must ignore all my needs, and live only in his world and ignore all physical needs including clean air.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So sorry to hear this is your experience. Here are some videos that we hope will help you take some first steps towards healing: Hope for Victims of Emotional Abuse kzbin.info/www/bejne/q2q7nISrfbF4gLs Break Free of Emotional Abuse and Heal: kzbin.info/www/bejne/q2q7nISrfbF4gLs Finding Healing kzbin.info/www/bejne/f2axZqeVoraciqM

[@melissaphillis7247]

Exactly my experience.

[@debbiewoznicki2419]

Totally my marriage! I have become somebody I don't recognize. Only to him ! My kids and friends know me as I am kind and loving.

[@marjoriemartinez9973]

Thank you!! I have felt like dying for ever and no one believes me

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Emotional abuse has been said to be death by a thousand cuts. Hope you found the video helpful.

[@lolasen1206]

Wow! I am speechless. I have never heard anyone Explain it like that to the tee. I am feeling validated.🙏 I really love the ending for the man, I had to write it down.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So glad you found it helpful. Please check out our channel for more related videos.

[@Honey-le4hw]

It’s even worse if the woman doesn’t work. I left with a suitcase. Because I’m a surviver😊

[@Andrea-kw3vo]

You’re so brave. I keep listening to these videos as emotional as they are to get me to that place of strength. And out of denial that he’ll change or things will get better. I hope you are doing well and have peace.

[@Honey-le4hw]

I’ve been studying this personality disorder over FB support group to realize I’m not crazy. Knowledge is power!!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad to hear you are getting the support you need to heal and recover. Thanks for shraing.

[@carolynstogner730]

What is the name of the group?

[@gayleray2646]

I have lived in stonewalling and silent treatment for months and months… I have to detach and have no communication because when I try and approach him to resolve he gaslights and makes me feel guilty for approaching…. Thank you for this so very much!

[@Ezduzit164]

I felt the pain Dr Hunt was experiencing trying to share the insidious complex road map of a woman who is trying to come out of insanity. It’s almost impossible to express the complexities. I have lived under severe domestic violence starting with my childhood and climaxing with a husband and two babies, that was a horror I still can not explain the million days that no one saw behind the doors of my home, at the end of the day ….no one came for me and my babies to help us. The seeking help was just as injurious…Thank you for your heart felt dialogue Dr Hunt and Dr Hawkins.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful and hope you have found freedom from the abuse.

[@Ezduzit164]

@@drdavidbhawkins Thank you I have found relief for sometime, It’s been 30 years with years of therapy trying to get better and to continue my journey in a healthy manner. I stayed in therapy for years until my children were adults. The divorce and harassment continued until they were in their twenties but therapy helped me lead a productive life. Both of you described exactly what it was like. I still can’t find the words to express exactly how it was. You both took me back to the time period putting words to some of the feelings you just can’t explain. I just happened upon these videos a young lady I know has been watching. She’s delighted to hear words of support.

[@dustylove122]

I was verbally abused and belittled constantly by my husband. Now that we have lived apart for years; other men have asked me why I get upset/mad so easily? This opened my eyes and I want to know, how can I prevent mistreating others? This isn't me or who I want to be.

[@jeanwerschem3076]

Learned patterns maybe. I struggle with this too. Survival skills with tunnel vision stuck in my head like pie Alice's. Necessary to connect the pie slices. Revisit. Rewriting our story. Tell the "whole" story.

[@hollikrebs]

It’s so incredibly hard to respond to a narcissist with love and be godly. They ruin you by bringing out the worst in you. That makes them feel better about their sins. It’s sick and that’s where I’m at. If I tell him to give me space after he has done wrong to me (repeatedly), he will pursue me and attack me verbally and get in my face with saying evil and provoke me till I get angry. It’s hell. And I want to obey the Lord but it’s impossible.

[@neveragain733]

Omg, i was the subjected to reactive abuse for 7 years. In the end my personality had changed into a horrendous mean angry abusive woman. I began to hate myself for being so mean and ugly to her. I felt emotions unlike anything ive ever felt in my life.

[@rainekay3106]

I don't believe that managing my emotions is the same as tolerating the distress I am in. I think that if I lose control of my anger then I am being doubly controlled and imprisoned: first by my abuser and then second by my uncontained emotions. After I experienced three eye opening instances that showed me I should not be treated this way - that this is NOT right, I then took upon myself to be the observer and study to know what is the truth... what is really going on. One, it is not my fault. Two, he will not change and cannot. Third, no one understands, not the preacher, not friends, not even counselors. (It is his heart that has a problem). Fourth, I need to get smart on how to handle this. I am praying in Jesus name for help on that. He led me to this video and am hoping videos like this will help me do just that. Thank you.

[@MissMusiKmanic]

Silent treatment does not make us silent it builds up resentment and then we spew out anger

[@karengodan5205]

When you realize this is contagious, you can leave quicker because this will take you down too. Just like laughter. When I hear someone laughing, I automatically smile. Laughter is contagious too.

[@robertg3165]

That definition of emotional abuse is so spot on!

[@mariahernadez9702]

I’ve just experienced a huge hit related to what you’re speaking on here, I’m so grateful for this video & where both of you Doctors are validating that I’ve survived with my Ex. Thank you for this powerful knowledge 😢 I just got a Therapist just to help me put myself back together, I know I deserve to give myself compassion ❤ I’ve been through a lot of hardships 🙏🏼

[@rainekay3106]

This is very interesting. Lots of new information for me. I have found through the years that Being in control is mature, complete and a win for the abused... and looking at what is really going on. Uncontrolled and blurting out anger is not power, not power of the mature. My husband often calms down and goes to bed peacefully after he finally gets my anger roused to a point of uncontrol. I then lose my sleep. Who wins? He feels a win. Realizing my explosive behavior does shut him up but then he gets a joy out of it. He also can tell others that I (normally getting along with others and don't get angry) am really an angry person. So putting myself outside the situation I am in looking down, seeing he is really the one who immature, continually critical and demeaning And knowing he will never change, I can just be silent, even smile, let him wallow in his own depraved attitudes. I have power when I don't argue. Arguing has not worked. I have been married to this for 40 years.

[@SheilaChung-rt5iy]

This sounds like what I’ve been going through lately. No one seems to take it seriously and behind closed doors it happens . He’s always telling me that everyone thinks and knows he’s such a nice guys.

[@brightpage1020]

Quicksand - fantastic analogy. Take the bait and sink trying to swim out. You must be still and have somebody throw you a rope to hold onto while they pull. The more you struggle upwards against it, the faster you sink down in.

[@brightpage1020]

This video is bound to be so comforting and so eye opening for so many people feeling like their experience might be so subtle as to not be significant or might be feeling like they are loosing their marbles trying to cope or sustain themselves in a damaging dynamic.

[@sugarblaze8227]

Our son was 3 months old. I was exhausted from feeding every 2.5 hours and looking after my other two kids and working...my kitchen was not tidy...he stod with baby in his arms and he punched me in the shoulder continuosly and berated my about how dirty my house was.....i was crying and standing up for myself regarding all my other responsibilities taking my time....and him not helping ....our fight escalated i phoned the police for help. They sent someone ...my husband sat on the couch with baby in arms and a smile on his face....i was vehemently explaining with hi pitch frustation from what had happend to me and what he did.....the officer told me..me ...to sit down keep quiete and tables turned on me...apparantly i was the one.....so i dropped any charges as i saw where the issue was going.. This is evil incarnate...no one cares or believes the nice guy smiling while the victim is being gaslighted and in dire dire abuse. Only God knows...He is our Help One day we will pay for our deeds on earth. And his day will come..

[@zorinaali7485]

Amen🙏🙏🙏

[@Honey-le4hw]

We as woman have during the years tried to stand up to their abuse but it always ended up in a fight. So it’s easier to just take the abuse.

[@tinaureta9891]

Your kinda right…. But it’s Bad…. Destroys your inner Beautiful child. Stand up … Go… get out… Pray… Pray more… stay centered. Do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on yourself. Separate ifbyou have to. Surround yourself with Amazing beautiful people…. spoil yourself.

[@lisamoag6548]

No. Be safe.

[@sw6454]

Thank you Dr Hunt. I wish I could come to see you as you have told the story of my marriage. It helps me to recover because I am starting to feel that I have a voice. I have been so twisted to believe that I am crazy therefore hearing you describe all these behaviours of mine and what I feel and know have happened to me over the years, validates my thoughts feelings to start trusting my judgment again. Triangulation should also be mentioned because once your partner starts to finds someone to endorse their bad behaviour, it adds to your struggles.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for your comment and glad you found the video helpful! Dr. Hunt is available for video or phone sessions, please reach out to our office if you are interested in scheduling a session with her. [phone] or [e-mail]

[@Eclectifying]

@@drdavidbhawkins I tried calling the number and talked with someone for over an hour. Then she told me you guys cannot help me because I have a specific problem that none of your therapists will help with. 😔 I really would love to talk with one of your therapists at least once. I only have state health insurance, so I’m sure assistance from you guys would not be covered, but I am willing to pay out of pocket for a session or two. I need help to clarify and validate my situation, to help me move forward in life. I really want to have the chance to talk with one of your counselors, especially Dr. Hunt here. But I had the door closed on me today. 😔

[@Eclectifying]

Yes on triangulation!! I think that is what led to the downfall of my marriage!

[@VM-123]

​@@Eclectifying how are you now? It is hard finding good therapy. A lot of the therapists in my area are woke. And very young and have no clue! Were you able to find anybody?

[@bpassion4fashion581]

25:04 that is the exact description of my neglectful childhood. Not being looked after and left to roam the streets at a very innocent age marked me deeply, as well as the rest of your description, and this still hurts! This led me to pair with men that were older than me and that I thought would protect me. Needless to say that what followed was a lifelong of abusive relationships. I have never stopped digging into my own healing and doing “the inner work” yet , here I am 48 years old still dealing with trying to heal in hopes than one day I start living. With that said, I love how the argument between the two of you went when discussing reactive abuse and when the abused women has to ALSO take responsibility for her behavior - love the question of “ Is it fair to tell the abused party to take responsibility when they have been enduring these types of abuse for so long?” What I will add to that, is that I agree with having to take responsibility for our reactions ( as I assure you abusive partners is not who we want to be ) but to get to this point one must dig deep, get the right support and heal a lot before getting to that place of being a able to be the witness and not the reactive one. It doesn’t come natural but with education one can step back and finally gather enough self love that one can walk away. Many of these partners have diagnosable mental health conditions, but putting them aside and concentrating in the SELF the Conclusion I learned is this: “ I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Quote by George Bernard Shaw Had to add after hearing the end of this video . WAOOOOO!!!!!! The advice to men, is pure gold !!!! Thank you both 🙏

[@juliacharbonneau4573]

What an amazing talk. Thank you so much and so needed. My husband takes pictures of me crying secretly and sends them to me telling me I’m a burden. Super hard but your video provides hope.

[@annaberniofficial]

❤you are appreciated stay strong. What a bastard..

[@TheDianeC]

I hope you got away 🙏💞

[@Mindywright27]

Thank you so very much. I can’t believe how much I haven’t been able to see and understand until hearing all that you’ve said. This is a huge game changer. I’ve felt alone and crazy for 12 years now. No more. Our family deserves better. I appreciate you both and this channel so much. 🙏❤

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So glad you found this helpful and that your eyes are opened to what you need and deserve. God Bless.

[@abetterlife5120]

“This is not you…” Wow! Spot on!! Thank you 🙏🏻 to you both for such good counsel. ❤

[@nancyhjort5348]

This was an incredible discussion. I found myself silently screaming, and it was good, because you put it to words. Thank you.

[@tearthangel373]

I thank God that my Therapist has empathy for psychologically abused women.

[@yellowdayz1800]

Reactionary abuse is not the victims fault.... Like some on here suggested! There are many reasons we "allowed it" it takes time to even see what is going on.. And many only have the frozen streets as another option. Shame on the few that said we support it by allowing it. They probably narcs as well.

[@gloriadonahue7241]

This is such a great video. I could watch it over and over. As a matter of fact, I have watched this before. I believe that I saw this video a year ago when I was visiting my newborn granddaughter.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful! For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletter to get helpful tips and advice delivered directly to your Inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/

[@zuuumbaaa]

Thank you for this. 🙏🏼 It does seem that for the guy his main issue is getting defensive when confronted/not getting his way which leads him to abusive behavior. For the woman, the key to solving it seems to boil down to healthy boundaries, which hopefully will lead to change, or sadly, to the end of the relationship.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

You're absolutely right. Boundaries are key. The other person's response to your boundaries reveals a lot.

[@brightpage1020]

I believe reactive abuse is a victim’s way of attempting control in an uncontrollable situation. We can view it as her body’s way of raising her own red flags, right?

[@rockingmygray]

🗣️My story…Thank God for giving me the strength to walk away….⏰ will heal all wounds…⛪️🙏🗽 🎯💯

[@cleigh378]

My God I sat and listened to this whole video and took notes after notes. I'm on my way to change and healing. Thank you God for allowing me to come across this video. #Gratitude

[@nikkikruz8458]

Dr Hunt I am loving your videos. My narcissistic husband walked out on me 2 days ago and it’s been extremely hard dealing with and processing the reality. Your videos have given me so much clarity and is helping springboard my healing journey. Thank you ❤️🙏🏼

[@summerysmile]

This is the best video I've seen on this subject. My husband just ignores me... just says nothing. Or when he's trying to be nice he says a curt I apologize but is defensive. He throws fits slamming doors and hitting things. I've learned there's nothing he will show compassion towards me for. He has literally ignored me for 28 years. Doesn't matter if I cry or no matter how much I say he's hurting me. He says it's my fault because all I do is criticize him. I start to think it is because I do blow up. Im so alone and frustrated. I think these exact things like I hate the person I am with him. But I can't really leave I'm trapped. I'm too old to start over and I just don't have the emotional strength. I don't know if he can change.

[@reneemishel]

OH MY Dr. Hunt! That's exactly what he use to scream at me! "It's NOT ABUSE, I don't hit/touch you! Get over yourself. I'm ridiculous, im a liar, all i do is exaggerate! Keep lying to myself, I know I'm a good man, I'm just sick of dealing with you"!(my anguish) extremely isolating & know when do take chance to go speak about to someone that there's a chance they won't believe you & the time/effort to do that is an exhausting thought when your already exhausted.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So sorry to hear what you're going through. The lack of awareness and understanding from family, friends, the church, even counselors and professionals is what keeps victims isolated and hopeless, and what makes emotional abuse so dangerous. To learn how we can help, please reach out to [e-mail] or [phone]

[@PYT.123]

Mine would say it's not abuse unless it's a closed fist...he was only slapping me at the time. Guess who has scars on the right side of her face from his punches??? Even while pregnant...Now the court system sides with him because I never held him accountable and then finally lost my cool.

[@Mrs.Coe40]

This was actually from my mother… it’s a very toxic cycle I’m 40 now and I walked away and 3 yrs later she went to great lengths to to stir stuff up again and of course I reacted again. And afterwards ended up hating myself all over again because I’m not that person I’m kind and loving and have a huge heart and love to build people up and help people.. so this always makes me angry at myself. I feel worthless and makes me question myself and who I really am as a person… then I can go into a deep depression for a little while.. I feel as though there is no pace far enough I can get away from her….

[@brightpage1020]

Teach her: You are not responsible for his feelings or actions. He is a grown up. He is capable and knows better - as proven in his public life. But you are responsible for your response to his behavior. You have choices you may have been making unconsciously or subconsciously, but now you are conscious of the dynamic at play. So, from this point, this moment forward, you get to make new choices that will change the dynamic. - You can chose to react and respond differently. - You can plan your responses to typical scenarios in your household that repeat. - You can get coaching on communications with these people (Dan O’Connor, professional communications coach on KZbin has some fantastic tips on body language and scripted responses, for instance, to “difficult people”). - You can reach qualified professional counselors for help strengthening your bond with yourself by protecting yourself from abuse. - You can report yourself for contributing to an abusive dynamic and ask for help to change. - You can gain distance or space from the abuser to get perspective and learn healthy and appropriate boundaries, like how to enforce them. - You can tell somebody supportive what is going on. - You can learn about discernment, enabling, codependency… - You can find support in how to make strengthening, refreshing choices. - Now that you’ve identified it might be an abusive situation, you can find resources, like on KZbin, the library, the bookstore, qualified websites dedicated to educating people about this scourge, to learn more about it and educate yourself about how to manage it or put it behind you. - you can realize you can help it.

[@whosyomomma13]

Excellent video. Oh my goodness. My eyes watered when you spoke about saying “I believe you” to her. I long to hear those words. I’ve been working for years with counselors to heal and get clarity. I have so much more work to do. This video had me doing some self reflection that maybe I’m not as steady and aware as I think I’ve been. Dr Hawkins thank you for the persistence about allowing some space for her to react. I agree that it’s not desirable for us to behave that way, we want to be better. But I can’t count the number of times that I’ve talked to someone and it can get exhausting. Desperate is exactly what we are. We’re saying please somebody see me, somebody hear me. Yes I want to be a better person but sometimes it truly is impossible to continue to listen to the berating, devaluing , psychologically calculated responses to shame me. And not do anything about it. I’m going to contact your center. I love my counselors but this video helped me realize there things that are coming up and surprising me that I didn’t correlate until you started to speak about. I’ll be watching this multiple times. A lot of really great content. Thank you.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful. We look forward to hearing from you

[@margaritajohns7907]

Thank you Dr Hopkins and Dr Hunt for your knowledge and heart in this matters. ⭐️❤️🙏🕊. May God keep Blessing you to help others.

[@IamKateIsabella]

I wish one of these professionals was my therapist to help me leave this relationship and avoid repeating the pattern again. Finding a good therapist is a needle in a hay stack.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Please reach out to learn how we can help. All of our clinicians offer online therapy. [phone] or [e-mail]

[@brightpage1020]

The kids - great point! Children are a great motivator to change. Because as they grow, they notice, and ask, and have questions. Or model the dynamic, even worse. The public persona is proof they can control it when they want to. The fact that they don’t feel the need to offer the level of respect they demand in the home or behind closed doors is evidence they simply don’t feel the need to wear the mask in their comfort zone, that they are that comfortable crossing reasonable lines or boundaries or disrespecting the others in an environment that can’t or won’t hold them accountable in a significant or meaningful way.

[@brightpage1020]

I’ve heard of women who the light comes on for when he begins treating her or their family out in the world, in public, the way he does at home. That his comfort level devaluing their needs or feelings is so high that the abusive partner no longer feels the need to hide it.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

What gets scary is when they for years could control it and now, after over a decade, finally are starting to also do this to me in front of others where they are seeing glimpses of it Mostly because my behavior has become healthier and he doesnt know how to handle it.

[@TheDianeC]

I became a raging binging alcoholic! It's been a nightmare. 😢 There's nothing worse than becoming the problem so it can all make sense.

[@robertg3165]

Yes! It is soothing to hear that someone gets it.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful.

[@robertg3165]

About the “retaliatory” this is so accurate as to how I went to my pastor. You guys are quoting the phrases I has said in my desperation to be heard and believed when I reached out to people. Wow!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad it resonates with you and hope you are getting the help you need to heal.

[@ThePriam3]

At this point it’s scary if anyone believes me…I’ve only encounter 2 people who’ve ever acted like they believed me…I’ve been brushed aside & invalidated for so long that I don’t even know how to accept validation…

[@xaviervillarreal5605]

My deepest emphaty to all of those women that are going through a horrific situation...I see you!!

[@PYT.123]

Thank you. It is so painful.

[@rachaelpino6914]

I was lucky in that the person I can fight with about what was happening in my home pointed it out to me. She said that his behavior was abusive. She wasn't in a direct helping position, but her position did afford her the ability to give me practical help. But somebody explaining to me why this was abusive behavior, and why it was difficult for me to see or identify, was so validating. Unfortunately, even though I left the relationship, he is still in a position to be abusive and manipulative. So this has been going on for roughly 15 years. I'm trying to work on myself, because just as you described, I'm like a can of soda that is shaken up. And I really need to find strategies to release that tension in a healthy way and set and keep my boundaries. Not only to protect myself, but to protect the relationship I have with my children, who he currently has and is trying to alienate me from.

[@christinedoyle5420]

Thank you for being a voice for these difficulties. This has given me a validation and a hope that I was desperate for.

[@davis-kc1xp]

Yes! She said it perfectly! And YES! We do feel like no one will believe us!!! Thank you for explaining the emotional neglect!!! Thank you!!!! 🙏 love to both of you!!💗

[@gidgetrasmussen4266]

Thank you for breaking the confusion and putting a name to the abuse😢

[@nancygirard7343]

This just happened to me. Instead of taking responsibility for his passive aggressive behavior he blamed the devil.

[@letmework6254]

@Nancy Girard; yes it was the devil; IN HIM!

[@HTB.5784]

this happened with a roommate. She was emotionally abusive and i had serious problems with boundaries that brought on abusive behavior in me. I was so reactive

[@Melflower11]

I have been married 20 years in an emotional abusive relationship. Your information made me cry. I recently realized that my husband has aspergers, it’s undiagnosed and he refuses to believe it. Is aspergers an excuse for emotional abuse ? I am in the emotional quicksand. I continue to struggle with his stonewalling and all the stuff you’ve talked about is going on in our relationship. I have sworn at him and called him names. That is not at all like me to yell and call names. I feel ashamed and apologize to him for the name calling. I have blamed myself because I was that can of Coca Cola, I never get validated, I’m not even myself anymore. I wonder if an aspergers person can ever change. I’m on the verge of leaving. I have tried everything I know to fix our marriage and he doesn’t even think about it. He immerses himself in his home office and accounting work and never gives our relationship much thought. Have you had any experience with aspergers men? Can you give me any advice?

[@salrc8352]

Great question, I wonder that too. But it doesn’t change the effects.

[@melissaphillis7247]

Thank you, im not crazy. Now I'm much happier with making sure i can live with myself. I can only control myself and I don't need him to understand me, God does!!

[@Cathy-zi1xm]

This is my first time here with you , I’m sure that the complications of adding children to this dynamic has been discussed before. I’d just like to acknowledge for others listening to advice you’ve been discussing, I.e. setting boundaries… you not only have to consider the consequences of your behavior (from the narcissist) toward you, he now has leverage in that , your children are targets for his retaliation against your (perceived) transgressions. Talk about powerless. This perpetual feeling of being trapped and watching someone be abusive toward the people who are most precious to you. That is the strongest trigger for reactive abuse. I have been amazed at the scenarios my “shadow side” has slipped into my mind. I have never acted on them , but I have been appalled at my own thoughts . I literally had to forgive myself for having “to my mind” entered into a much “lower consciousness “ Mindset, one I had never considered was possible for me.

[@chrisnickas4585]

Truer words have never been spoken. Thank you!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletter to get helpful tips and advice delivered directly to your Inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/

[@stellar52]

If it hurts, it's not Love.

[@jo-vieshade-clunes4126]

The day of my marriage, & after the ceremony, i was dressed in my going away outfit, ( in the colour that was his favourite) We got into the car & he turned & looked at me with his face close to mine with a boiling angry threatening red face & with his teeth clenched he said, ' if you step out of line just once, or even think about it once, i will come down on you like a ton of bricks, you will wonder what the hell has happened to you '..& dont you ever forget it !! You will do as i say... I own you..! For 26 years he was abusive in every posssible way. Beatings that left me covered in massive bruises... Yes as you describe, i had been twisted out of shape. I had become close to being zombi like... As he told me thousands of times that i was less than 'A Thing'...! My background, childhood, & family were the opposite to his. He has no excuse for his abuse/ violence. Yes i agree a 6 year old child !! If he felt that i was somehow making a slightest move away from his domination & control he would rage. Firstly he would stand in front of me & the 3 children. His body would be positioned straight with both of his arms slightly out from each side of his body that was shaking madly, his face, tomato red, he would be foaming at the mouth...& he would threaten me with all.kinds of thing.... It was the strangest & most cruel world i had even known. At the moment due to his age & not having seen the children for 30 years, he is getting each of the adult children & telling them how bad i was, & how good he always was & of course there has never been any reason for him to apologise about anything he ever did or said.. I always said that when he comes face!to face with his maker he will even try twisting his arm behind his back !! Thank you both for today.

[@elsh332]

I recently got married and my husband escalated some behaviours to be much more abusive. He terrorised me and my children and even when i gave him what he wanted he escalated his demands and control until i snapped. Then he went completely calm and said, "look at the way you are behaving" as if this was normal for me and he had been behaving well the whole time!! It was absolutely crazy making and i have not had contact with him for a few weeks now. I'm feeling much better, more like myself again now. But i told him to give me until the end of the month and now im dreading the time coming to an end. I don't want to go back to the way it was.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found our video and hope you are able to get help. Emotional abuse is a form of trauma and therapy is needed to work through the PTSD symptoms.

[@elsh332]

@@drdavidbhawkins thank you. Unfortunately I can't access therapy. However, ironically, he is able to access therapy for free. It feels very unfair to be on my end of this situation in many ways. I've been learning about boundary setting and have a clear plan for how to move back i to contact with him. He has told my best friend that I am cold and emotionless. But she knows me well and it's like I said to her "I have shut my emotions, my feelings, my heart, away inside of me where they are safe from him. And I won't be letting them out because he is not a safe person. He doesn't deserve my heart." She agreed and told me she's proud of me 🥰

[@lauraleemoderndaysamaritan4137]

I married man who appeared to be a calm gentle man...after the beautiful honeymoon, the real him showed up. I had a choice, I could stay or leave. I was too embarrassed and ashamed of marrying an abuser..I stayed and it was hell on earth. I should have left

[@faithbaker8259]

thank you both i am dealing with alot of what your saying im married 39 years to covert narc & ive wondered if he knew his behavior was wrong .. im sure now he does he & his narc brother have destroyed my reputation in my community & he is trying now but i feel like a maid & have no freedom to even have an opinion so thank you for the validation .. thanks faith

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So sorry to hear what you are experiencing. Here are some videos that we hope can help you get started on your healing journey: Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist: kzbin.info/aero/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz

[@Kyshalise]

To be validated is amazing feeling after this. Thank you.

[@janewild9150]

One more thing…to,the women who are being abused, attacked, forgotten, used…etc…one thing I learned not long ago that hit me like a bat to the head…”we are responsible for how we let others treat us”! …all of the hell I have been through was because I LET myself be treated that way. Even though I had no idea about narcissism and I was told and I believed that it was my JOB to be there, do everything, be a great wife no matter what….it still was my fault that I was treated that way. No one else allowed him to be an ass, just me! In my ignorance, I allowed it! Scary, huh? But as I learned this lesson, so many past agonies became clearly understood. And I now take responsibility for how I am treated! I have set boundaries and adhere to them! I have the power and the right to protect myself!

[@katielung6515]

Amen 🙏 ❤

[@yellowdayz1800]

You are way off track.. Bug off with your own abuse here!!! We are NOT RESPONAIBLE in many ways.... You are a narc yourself. Take your advice and go away

[@StellaM22]

Its not ignorance its brainwashing by the patriarchy. Not your fault.

[@avaphoenix317]

Lmao. Hello narc.

[@brittanystewart723]

You know, I know I’ve been done this way for nearly nine years but to try to describe it I get so much anxiety my mind goes blank to tell someone else what is going on. Those memories feel locked up.

[@palesakobuoe5827]

I am a South African woman and I wish this can be brought to light in my country. We are currently so focused on gender based violence but the issue of emotional abuse is not being addressed. It's huge problem. I know because I have never been hit but the emotional abuse I experience daily is unbelievable.

[@Claire5020GEN]

How can I thank you? I needed to hear this. God bless you both.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So glad to hear you found it helpful. It is our mission and passion to bring truth, compassion and clarity to those who need it. God Bless and thank you.

[@kimkaye6820]

So grateful for you folks!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful! Subscribe to our channel for new videos every week, or follow us on social media @marriagerecoverycenter

[@robertvernon789]

Can you speak on men who are the victims of reactive abuse?

[@robincastleberry8361]

The mental emotional verbal and physical abuse to my brian couldn’t handle the constant building up of stress confusion sadness depression and anxiety…it all came out in the form of panic attacks and emotional meltdowns… it was too much for me to handle. I don’t think my head and my heart are built to handle that kind of long term turmoil. After 2 affairs and denial… Thank you because I didn’t understand what was Happening to me.. Now that I know… for the past 24 hours. I feel so much better and know that I can control myself now… just knowing that this was caused by my abuser… I don’t want to be like him. And I have admitted to the few people know of my abuse for over the past 6 years. This is not me. And I will not become like him. Self control is myself. I will not allow his evil to be part of me.

[@robincastleberry8361]

Emotional neglect is horrible

[@robincastleberry8361]

It’s punishment

[@robincastleberry8361]

Nope he caused it . I am love and I didn’t know I had that rage was in me. didn’t see my emotions going haywire until it happened. Just having a name for this helps so much.

[@anntastic1532]

I feel this is what my husband has done to my son (his step son), over the past 7 years. It started off great, and now my 12 year old son exhibits "reactive abuse."

[@brittanystewart723]

After two years of marriage I figured out what was happening to put it into words and so many people would act like I was just being dramatic like it wasn’t enough to call it abuse if he wasn’t hurting me physically. Everything about me has changed. Idk if I’ll ever be the same. In more recent days i feel so angry and closed off because I feel like this is something no one is ever gonna believe and now he’s showing the lasts where I am reacting so of course I look like the lunatic. How do you work it out when you feel like never seeing this person again because there hasn’t been any hope that someone sees or hears me?

[@robertg3165]

I am a man, and my wife did this to me. It hurt so badly and nobody believed me for over half a year’s time because she was so covert., with a mask of perpetual, defensive fake cheerfulness. I never was heard, as was said in your discussion, I felt like a shell of myself, and a thing that was discarded on her whim. I often cried because I didn’t know how we could be a team in conversation and in life working things out because she was so hard and unyielding whenever the cheerful mask had to come down in order to be vulnerable with each other, build trust, compromise in the day to day, and to generally just become closer in our relationship. Thank you for bringing this to light.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

You're very welcome, thank you for sharing your story.

[@sheldonnazwicker8322]

I watched my brother go through this also. Sometimes I feel like people are less likely to believe males, but I have seen (and lived through) plenty the other way too

[@jennifersim778]

I think that this happened to my dad. I know as a child I was experiencing this toward my monster, ...I mean mother

[@denniskramer5238]

Your story sounds exactly like mine!

[@RealTalkRS]

It is unfortunate that in our society, the view is that it is men doing this. In reality the "numbers" are like anything else, roughly equal! Way more women are doing this than anyone cares to admit because again...ACCOUNTABILITY!!! Thanks for sharing so we all know we are not crazy!

[@LoraleeArmstrongNunley]

This is opening my eyes to what is going on. I really get to move forward and heal. Not sure where to begin. All i know is i have to learn more.

[@hayleyhale3182]

Doctor Hunt you are my hero!!

[@Jp18888]

Thank u I am drowning in something now but this brings me comfort. Thank u for validating our emotions

[@drdavidbhawkins]

So glad to hear you found this helpful. We have many more videos on healing from emotional abuse. Here is one to get you started: kzbin.info/www/bejne/q2q7nISrfbF4gLs

[@beppiefleurdenheyer4486]

It's very hard to find out about it when you're already are deeply into the emotional drama abuser and insecurities of the abusers. After many years of the search of the knowledge of the daily basis of abuse of power 💪 and abuser, this video is and has completely opened up my eyes 👀 on this item of what to Spot for! It's giving me the knowledge of to learn and make sure I don't get involved with the person 😭 who is the abuser!😢

[@brightpage1020]

Sometimes, even scarier than not being believed is being believed. Because then you are accountable for seeking help. Because if there is any chance this dynamic could or might be abusive, you owe it to yourself at least, if not to any children involved especially, to learn how to decipher whether it is abusive or not. If there is any hint that it could be, you owe yourself the work of investigating more deeply. That can seem threatening to the status quo and that can be scary - the unknown. If someone is listening this long to podcasts or videos like this, then there is at least a chance it could be a potentially damaging dynamic. And you deserve the support or treatment that dealing with this may require.

[@brightpage1020]

So subtle - you can breathe “wrong” if you sigh of exhaustion or take a deep breath at the wrong time, it can cause offense or an argument. You might be monitored in the bathroom. If someone is tracking your bathroom time to comment on it that you’re wrong in there, too, without them, separated that briefly from their guidance or control, that could be a clue.

[@brightpage1020]

From what I’ve heard from too many friends or seen in too many family members who faced or face this.

[@brightpage1020]

So it’s easy to see or comment on from the outside.

[@KimNeal0671]

With therapy and skills I was able to get my reactive bad behavior under control and it was no longer always about my reaction. I was able to see clearly what he was doing.

[@alexanami9948]

You folks are amazing. Thankyou dearly from a grateful englishman in portugal.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thank you for your feedback and glad you found this video helpful. For more related videos, subscribe to our channel.