How To Handle An Out Of Control Kid When They Don't Get Their Way

ADHD Dude provides parent training through the ADHD Dude Membership Site, in-person school-year programs, and summer camps. ADHD Dude is not gender-specific content.
𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗥𝘆𝗮𝗻 𝗪𝗲𝘅𝗲𝗹𝗯𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁, 𝗟𝗖𝗦𝗪, 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗-𝗖𝗖𝗦𝗣
Ryan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified School Social Worker, and father to a son with ADHD & learning differences. ADHD Dude is based in Tucson, Arizona.
𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝘆:
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[@TalyaT922]

This is a tough one as I look at a hole in my wall.

[@captaincrunch1062]

Thanks Ryan. My son multiple times has threatened to break things, I have said back “you won’t like what I break of yours then”. Probably the wrong comment but he usually doesn’t end up breaking what he’s threatening

[@ADHDDude]

I don't think anything is wrong with saying that, you're getting him to think about how he would feel if he was treated the same way.

[@robertabratton3591]

I'm a former teacher of Emotionally Disturbed childen. I'm very thankful for your videos. My grandson is 8 years old and has been diagnosed w/ADHD. You have reaffirmed to me I was the right thing! I can't tell you how many times my time-out room was destroyed, and I kept on teaching. I'm no longer able to teach. Administration placed the students in regular classrooms. Sadly, the regular ed teachers have no training on how to bring out the best in these children. It, also, hurts the learning for regular ed students. Thank you, again, for your widom. BB

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you so much, that means a lot coming from an ED teacher, and a grandparent.

[@Alwina578]

I wish I had come across your channel 10 years ago .. I'm really happy you are putting out this information you're really helping people.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

[@ildart8738]

More like 30 years ago. My life would have been 100x better. But I guess each one of us has to carry a cross through our lives. Mine is ADHD. I guess it's better than bipolar disease, or schizophrenia.

[@reignajoyce]

Having items that are bought at the Goodwill that are intended for breaking works. A jar or vase you paid $3 for offered to the child is a shock to them. They threaten to break something and you had them something to break sends a message when partnered with alternative coping strategies.

[@shainazvelji2050]

How does one handle emotional /physical abuse against siblings ? Great advice but it feels like we’ve passed the point of no return.. so sad and distressing

[@ADHDDude]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/fXqzaYeEgcmHndEsi=UM4fq4NLyPav8Gab

[@bericagulbranson1630]

My son has done this&we have therapy &he has therapy yet never 1x was this recommended, but it makes complete sense! After an item is broken when does the consequence come? Directly after but in a calm voice? Thank you for this post--much appreciated.

[@ADHDDude]

Therapy is not a recommended treatment for kids with ADHD by the American Academy of Pediatrics and no type of individual therapy has demonstrated efficacy in addressing ADHD. Also, most therapists have never received any specific training in ADHD. I teach a concept called "Resets and clean ups" in Scaffolding Better Behavior and also have a section about rules & consequences. I would not suggest doing anything directly after.

[@vemparala195]

I'm from india. Great to see your videos. My elder son 9yrs has adhd and we had medication for 6months along with therapies. With medication my child has calm down and normal for this time. Now we stopped medication ,after 6months he is back to adhd behaviour which we are getting complaints from school. Any advice recommended how to change his behaviour and sit properly in class room.

[@alexistap2658]

My son cries so loud… when he is upset… really really LOUD …

[@ADHDDude]

That very well might be what I call "performative emotional dysregulation", meaning he's upset but performing to make a point, illicit guilt/sympathy from you, etc.

[@alexistap2658]

@@ADHDDude I agree

[@Maggotz4bra1nz]

Living with my younger sister has been hell and I really feel like my parents have given up

[@ADHDDude]

Please feel free to share this channel with them and thank you for watching.

[@Ulliano]

Hello Ryan. I have just found your site, and it literally changed my whole opinion about my son's adhd. I have for a long time denied that he could have adhd, and that he would eventually come around.. But after watching your videos, I now see all that you talk about is how my son behaves and reacts. So thanks a million for turning a stubborn, slightly stupid father around :) But I do have a question concerning this video. My son often has a pre idea of how things should play out. For example, if I say good morning, he can get really angry and say: I wanted to say that first. Or if I say,: son, its time for homework, he will burst out in anger: I wanted to say that first. And this relates to a lot of things. But its not always about being first to say or do something, but doing something by and of himself...like he wants to show that he can do stuff himself...and we praise him every time, because it gives him self confidence, but we find it difficult because we never know which situation he will explode into anger or cry about these things. So I am wondering if this relates to what you're saying: Should we just accept this and let him control these situations or is there something we can do to get him to see that he does not have to be first or not get help, because this will be a problem if he acts like this among friends and in class (he does, but not as often, and as angry as at home.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you I appreciate it. I would ask you what would be the benefit to letting him control everything in your home? Is that abdicating your parental authority to his inflexibility?

[@Ulliano]

@@ADHDDude Hello and thank you for your quick reply :) I dont see giving him full control as beneficial in any way, and if we were to do it, it would lower (or abdicate) our parental authority. But its like a compulsion for him. He cant seem to control it. So I just wonder what we can do to help him with this :)

[@ADHDDude]

What I would suggest is to just not respond to it and move on. The more attention you give to it, the more it reinforces the behavior.

[@olgabushak2942]

Hi henning. Maybe try asking this 'it's time for home work do you want it to do it now or in 5 minutes' 'do yiu want to shower now or in 5 minutes' this way either one us ok w you but he will still decide so it's like you both have control and he is involved in making rhe decision as well. Just don't let him say oh then 10 min or 15 I usually say.... no pick an option I gave you or I will make a decision for you (qich would be now) without explaining or going much more into it. Remember to stay calm.

[@EMBL2011]

Looking up videos for advice because I can't handle my son lately. We started working with a psychologist and when he gets upset/disregulated I'm supposed to having him go to his calming corner where there's therapeutic tools. But lately his behavior is worse and he screams and yells and stomps and hits the walls. I told him I was going to ignore him but then I don't feel I can ignore him putting holes in the wall. Today I lost it on him and screamed badly. I don't have much support. My husband makes it harder and now he told me a week ago that we should separate. So maybe me losing it didn't just have to do with him but all the other emotions as well. It's really hard. I don't know how to handle him. My husband blames his behavior on me. Do these kids eventually learn? I feel hopeless. I get no break. I don't see much progress despite all my efforts.

[@ADHDDude]

Individual therapy is not a recommended treatment for children with ADHD. The recommended treatment is parent training in conjunction with medication management: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gYusqYt_rJKfe80si=cM_jQ3tTA4r_AyUU kzbin.info/www/bejne/mYasenpoh8iFj6Msi=E1_x4xLE-ObD_wsk

[@szedecrem]

it took 2 minutes to agree with the methode, because I was just like: How on earth is this a good way to ignore the kid who is breaking off my house and nothing to say. And finally, my thoughts got confirmation at 2:01 ---- and let them pay for it! :D Yes..... I will say it immediately as soon as he starts, that he will pay for it.

[@ADHDDude]

I don't necessary suggest you do it when he starts as that could escalate him more, rather have expectations of behavior at home that are tied to earning his "currency". kzbin.info/www/bejne/pYWue4mgodp7q6M

[@papalatistudios]

Our problem isn’t as much breaking stuff but is when I’m not around he is emotionally and physically abusive to his mother. Calls her names, pushes, hits and kicks when she even tries to get him to do anything that is not his way or he does it when she hasn’t done anything at all to provoke it. She’s at the end of her rope and he’s only 9. I’m afraid one day she’s just not gonna come home from work.

[@ADHDDude]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/pZSqXquuiN97nKcsi=x0_yVDnFRC0jHCRv

[@bobbysth6200]

We don’t let him threaten or break stuff. At home If he does these he will have consequences like not getting his iPad game for that day. If that is not enough we put him on basement for 15 mins and make logic why it is wrong. Now a days we don’t have to do all that. We just need to remind him with reasoning and instead helping him to say what actually he is feeling. I shared this at school but at school they don’t have time to do what I do at home. So at school he is very different. He threatens, and gets aggressive. After medication he is lot better but still it comes out . Any help or suggestions would be appreciated!

[@ADHDDude]

Please check out this playlist and if you'd like actionable strategies the Scaffolding Better Behavior series is a Parent Behavior Training program, and the recommended treatment for ADHD. kzbin.info/aero/PLzmXDzfrSJcCaomxN3cm8-TLqi07_Wr8V

[@terrabear4093]

But what if it's a safety thing like trying to break windows, rip a big TV off the wall etc? Or what about when u do ignore them & they continue destroying things for an hour because they find the act of destruction reinforcing in & of itself?

[@ADHDDude]

If you chose to give attention to those behaviors they will continue. When you chose to not give attention to them they will stop. Sometimes, things need to intensify and get worse before they get better. When parents stop giving attention to negative behaviors it feels like a lack of control for kids, so they get worse (temporarily) in an attempt to reclaim that negative reinforcement. I do not believe the act of destruction is reinforcing. You also need to have a sit down to explain it will not be tolerated. This is covered in Scaffolding Better Behavior, my Parent Behavior Training program.

[@terrabear4093]

@@ADHDDude thank you for your reply. I've know adults who punch holes in walls without an audience/attention when angry because it's a physical outlet & they feel relief afterwards. So that's what I mean by reinforcing in & of itself. Can you realistically ignore breaking of windows & potential injury (due to broken glass) to a young child because of that?

[@flynnjesse10]

My son is 11 and he has broken 3 new 1200.00-1500.00 TV's cell phones, tablets and plenty of other things. I have my hands full. Dad needs a new solution, hollering and threatening is no use. After it stops I feel guilty.

[@jilenacastillo9618]

Thank you Ryan. Would this be the same for bad language?

[@ADHDDude]

Yes, absolutely. Thanks for watching

[@shentallfournier]

Yeah… especially when it’s insults towards you (bitch, horrible mom, etc.) because you refused something he wanted.

[@10thmountainvet]

Great guidance.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you so much for watching!

[@KinseiSensei]

What happens when you’ve tried this technique for a few years and nothing has changed for the positive? The child keeps getting worse. How long do you keep it up before everything in your house is destroyed?

[@ADHDDude]

I couldn't answer your question without any information or without knowing the child's age. Please see the videos I posted this week.

[@tommydomino2870]

How in the world you stay calm and let him break stuff when it's 3 to 400 hours stuff

[@ADHDDude]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/paXKlIWbo72grpIsi=C1dejgk34b9nwSG4 kzbin.info/www/bejne/a5DGkHiVnpuClacsi=O20qmFe-g4AQUinq

[@dawnhill539]

What happens when u don’t react and they up the anty to more dangerous violent behaviors

[@ADHDDude]

I can't answer questions without knowing the child's age but what I teach in Scaffolding Better Behavior, my parent behavior training program is to enlist supporters who are people the child respects, so the child knows that these people will know about the violent behavior and are going to reach out to them when they are struggling. Often, when children with ADHD know that their violent behavior towards family will no longer be kept a family secret, it stops

[@ilovemyselfist]

Does stuff about adhd in these video help people with fasd or fas do you know what fasd or fas and is to later to change somebody with adhd that a grow up,I want learn social skill better

[@ADHDDude]

I would think it could however I have no training in fasd so I can't tell you for sure.

[@ilovemyselfist]

I have adhd to

[@rookieslr]

Thank you for this video Ryan, this is spot on, I have become a member of the ADHD Dude site now. One thing I would like to ask, is what happens in the situation where there are siblings (both boys) , and sibling B is threatening to break sibling A things? In our house, this has occurred and usually either a verbal or physical altercation occurs between the two, and that just escalates the situation even more? Do you have any advice on that please? Thanks!

[@ADHDDude]

Hi Brian, can you please leave your question on any of the membership site webinars or the community section of the membership site. I don't answer membership-site related questions here. Thanks, Ryan

[@jameslardas8006]

My 12 year old boy is very self defiant were trying to get am the right meds. He's a smart kid but test use every way. He's in the trouble kids class and it's not working. It's geting worse . I dont know what to do. Talking to a private school He's a good kid but the kids are really stressing him.

[@ADHDDude]

The kids will stress him wherever he goes, this is a matter of him developing resiliency and flexiblity. kzbin.info/www/bejne/qWezoXuEhdqHpNUsi=nBO6R2AY7JdoaBLs

[@wondergal4729]

What about when my son directs his anger at his 4 year old sister while I'm driving and punches her? Or when he threw a rock at her head because he was mad? I'm not willing to ignore behavior that puts my daughter at risk.

[@ADHDDude]

I would never tell anyone to put their child's safety at risk. If you would like actionable strategies on how to improve problematic behaviors it is covered comprehensively in Scaffolding Better Behavior and Self-Confidence. You can learn more at: www.adhddudecourses.com

[@wondergal4729]

@@ADHDDude thank you. I will look into this. As you can imagine, I'm feeling pretty defeated and scared that something severe could happen that I know my son would not intend

[@ADHDDude]

Absolutely, and your concern is valid. It's a safety issue, particularly when you're driving.

[@Manatees_Rock]

I think the consequence would depend on the age difference between the two. My daughter 17 at the time (adhd is not her only dx) and son 8 would be consequenced 100% differently than say my 8 year old to a 4 year old.

[@olgabushak2942]

💯 you have to protect your daughter... and violence should get a consequence a big one.... not just a time out.

[@SporeZSporeZ]

Ho what do i do about ym mum being ao soft and not disciplining my little brothers with ADHD and Autism , they can attack me, pull a... on me , i come in from work ask him to do wahsing up he ignores me and stares at his computer because he knows mum will let him get away wirh it, i take away his computer he attacks me with my construction helmet, i still didnt give in i took the wires to hsi computer but my mum just went and gave them back!!! I just cant

[@ADHDDude]

Please show her the "Behavior" playlist here at the channel.

[@slashifyu1453]

i have adhd but i dont do this, does that mean i dont have adhd?

[@ADHDDude]

No, many people with ADHD do not strugle with this. You can still have ADHD

[@slashifyu1453]

@@ADHDDude oh thanks

[@PageTurnersbooktube523]

The thing is, my kid cant pay for things....ill have to pay for them.....sure taki g stuff away is there but thats not the same.

[@ADHDDude]

No but they can "work" for things in the home as a way of paying you back, which is what I suggest.

[@desivega783]

What do you do with an 8 yr old girl who hits herself in the head when upset? Try to ignore and hope to extinguish, reflect and redirect or...? I have an older non-adhd daughter who dealt with anorexia so it does concern me.

[@ADHDDude]

I think as long as you give her attention for the behavior it will continue. When you stop, she will most likely intensify it because it will feel like a loss of control, and then it will stop eventually when she realizes the behavior is no longer being reinforced.

[@desivega783]

@@ADHDDude thank you. That was my gut feeling, just wanted to make sure it was correct.

[@britainc9941]

Let them break things and do nothing?

[@ADHDDude]

As long as you continue to reinforce the negative behavior with your attention it will continue, guaranteed.

[@britainc9941]

@@ADHDDude I’m trying to understand this. My girlfriend has a 4 year old with ADHD and I’m trying to understand what is going on in his brain

[@ADHDDude]

So a 4-year old is different. My content is really geared for 6 and up.

[@DrakoRexz]

​@@britainc9941my 7 year old has adhd.. I'm 22 and I'm starting to understand him but it's random sometimes he breaks character and behaves acts way different... when he's not anxious foo amazes me cause he's like a judge just listen and gives solid responses like dam bro you an old wisdom master