How to Hold Your Teenager (& Other Loved Ones) Accountable...Don't | Joseph Grenny

A passionate social scientist, Joseph Grenny's life's work involves studying crucial moments that have the potential to change the trajectory of our lives, relationships, and careers. Specifically, he has spent the past 30 years researching interpersonal skills-when what we say and how we say it can mean the difference between success and failure.
Recently, while on vacation with his wife, Joseph's teenage son threw a late-night party that caught the neighbor's attention. When faced with the challenge of holding his son accountable without damaging the often tenuous parent/teenager relationship, Joseph turned to the example of Jim Sporleder.
Sporleder is the principal of Lincoln High School, an alternative school in Walla Walla, Washington. In his four-year tenure, reportable incidents have dropped by 60 percent. He's doing something right.
To illustrate what he does differently, Sporleder shared the story of Emilio-a kid he caught smoking pot on school grounds. In that crucial moment, Sporleder understood an important principle: when we feel safe, we embrace truth; when we embrace truth, we feel empathy; and when we feel empathy, we embrace responsibility.
Instead of laying into the delinquent student, Sporleder engaged Emilio in a conversation about stress in his personal life. It turns out, Emilio had been through seven different fosters homes in seven years. He recently landed at his grandmother's house which tragically burned down six months earlier, killing his sister. Shortly after, a younger sister was beaten to death by his step father. Emilio felt tremendous guilt for not protecting his sisters.
After making an emotional connection, Sporleder and Emilio concluded the marijuana was likely a symptom of not knowing how to manage that kind of tragedy and stress. They went on to discuss and pursue drug-free ways for managing stress. Emilio still served the mandatory 35-day suspension; the difference is what he did with that experience to change the trajectory of his life.
Joseph teaches his audience that when your goal is simply holding others accountable, you'll experience the opposite results that Sporleder did-you'll provoke fear, not empathy. That's because in moments of accountability, the human brain is programmed to feel threatened. Using these principles, Joseph held the kind of accountability conversation with his son that addressed his bad behavior while also strengthening their relationship.
Imagine, holding this kind of productive conversation with a misbehaving teenage son. Joseph teaches it can be done. Simply, don't hold your loved ones accountable. Instead, make an emotional connection and accountability will be the result.
These are moments of disproportionate influence. Our moral authority to influence others in the world comes from our efforts to seize these moments and help change the trajectory of those we love in a positive way.

[@zjewelswatchingjems8723]

"We Dont fear the truth, we fear shame" WoW ... "Shame isnt about you despising me, its about Me despising ME" ... Im in tears. Those words will change my life. TY. Im doing a emotional lintelligence class for my 13 yr old son AND I. I am 45 and do wish I knew all I do now before my other 3 children were grown. I am striving for Emotional Literacy and raising my son to be a authentic, honorable man. ty for this.

[@bayborn510]

Super underrated gold here.

[@heidimark1717]

Amazing. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all understood and lived these principles?

[@MichaelJrComedy]

Straight awesomeness

[@chrisbeardsley5434]

I appreciate the identification of flashpoints. The use of empathy to open things up is very real and when people are frozen with fear, they often simply repeat bad patterns of behavior.

[@MarleneChism]

Wow! So thankful for you sharing this knowledge. I often say that people don't fear accountability, they fear judgment. I appreciate your distinction that accountability is not the goal it's the outcome. Thank you!

[@jacalynmiller]

my question is also, what did you text to your son? Great video, thanks!

[@wongdeep]

That's what I want to know!

[@DWaller1978]

I watched the whole thing but missed if you ended up texting your son and what you said or did you wait until you got back to talk to him? If so did you wait for him to tell you about the party?

[@RobinOm27]

Lovely! I believe this is relevant for all ages, including in business settings. Is there a book that captures the core of what the speaker is talking about?

[@DawnEllisonMD]

But what did you text him or her:-)

[@user-sf6en9ir9n]

как можно воспользоваться переводчиком на русский язык?

[@Paulistaninha]

I liked this video a lot, except for thinking of a teenager been sent to a Juvenile detention for smoking weed. I'm all for consequences, but juvenile detention for something like this I do not agree, even though I'm a very concerned person about Marijuana's effects, specially on a teens' brain.

[@Staceypotterphotography]

I did better the opposite way. What does that mean?

[@mamachicken4602]

I’m not sure exactly what you mean but I think I can relate to your comment because when I try to connect emotionally with my son he despises me. He only understands toughness. He doesn’t like weakness. But even when I’m tough he despises me because he despises authority