Candace Bertotti | Mastering the Art of Getting to Know Someone

Candace Bertotti's keynote at the 2014 VitalSmarts REACH conference. Watch as she discusses how to master the art of getting to know someone.

[@lisasays6174]

Interesting; that's how I manage my social anxiety. If I'm asking about them and keep them talking, I don't have to be on the spot.

[@cbertott]

So much wisdom in that statement, Lisa. It comes down to intentions when we ask questions.

[@Flooofster]

Something about that Recognizing yourself in other people... gave me such a weird thought. What if we viewed the world as being filled with people who are all the same? Essentially, everyone is YOU? Just you in different life stages, different faces, backstories, experiences, hopes and dreams, but they're all you. Wouldn't you be more compelled to treat everyone more kindly, with greater intimacy and respect? And curiosity? That's insanely fascinating to me.

[@cbertott]

Indeed interesting! Thanks for your thoughts.

[@MarvFitBikesKicks]

For example I would love to genuinely engage with an intellectual, positive individual like yourself, but I’d lose you quick because I wouldn’t know how to genuinely engage with you, and be truly friendly like hey “let’s go for lunch” etc.

[@heritage.home.crochet]

So appreciative for this! Thank you. I have very similar patterns of thought as Candace, so it was really wonderful to hear her perspective on overcoming "loneliness." As in the loneliness that results from not REALLY knowing a person, but just knowing about them.

[@cbertott]

Glad it was helpful -- thanks for your comment!

[@dark_nightwing_xl2797]

@@cbertott was it you?

[@karl3057]

Yes I know what you mean by a whole lotta re zero turn mower with bagger attachment is a good time to come by the same page with the same thing about it later on the same page as well as the same time we are going to be in touch with you tomorrow at the same time

[@karl3057]

😘😂😀😀❤️😭😭🙏🔥🙏

[@MarvFitBikesKicks]

I urge for this type of connection and watch videos on this topic all the time, making friends, communication, confidence, talking to girls etc. and I’m so dead inside that none of the advice ever connects with me. I still don’t have a clue on what to do to get myself out there and meet someone, anybody special, a friend to make a connection with

[@cbertott]

Thanks for your comment, MarvFIT. My best advice is to first get aligned with who you are. Operate from that place and you will rock it. If that sounds too easy--or too hard--I recommend listening to some Abraham Hicks videos on youtube. She's out there--so you have to be ready to listen with an open mind--but such wisdom in her words. Good luck!

[@joshuamcintosh7706]

Just talk to random people and see the people who talk to you and listen and overtime bonds will form

[@superhot2994]

Start with you . Who are you? What are you afraid of? Is it a realistic fear? What would make you truly comfortable? What is it that you really need? Can you fill that need for yourself?

[@MarvFitBikesKicks]

@@joshuamcintosh7706 I never know what to say. Conversations with strangers is a chore. My eye contact is so uncomfortable, I look very angry and make people uncomfortable (not as extreme as it sounds, but it happens). I could never think up anything to say, I’m also afraid of making a good friend where I’ll have to attend their events because I’m so boring, I stutter when asked a question in front of a group of people, I don’t make conversation. Living this way is very hard smh

[@arande3]

Hiking everyday in the winter to get to your house. Now THAT is cool!

[@HeatherBCunningham]

This blew me away! Insightful, engaging, and a pleasure to watch. Great delivery!

[@cbertott]

Wow - your comments are blowing me away! Thank you so much Heather for your generosity of spirit.

[@Y.unalesca]

I'm learning to form more connections with someone that is terrified to be close to people but has a wonderful spirit. My own fears, which have sullied connections in the past, often push me to rush and freak out, therfore pushing people away. I really care about this man- all of him- and I want to be better so he feels comfortable with me.

[@Shlimmerchikn]

Wow, just wow! I can listen to her all day. Thanks for the talk candace👍👍👍

[@cbertott]

Thanks so much!

[@steven7dong]

This is such an inspirational speech.

[@amindin6295]

'You teach that what you most need to learn' so true

[@jessweiss1]

Absolutely wonderful and inspiring, Candace!

[@cbertott]

Thank you so much, Jessica!

[@Zivot39]

I believe I will be showing this to our staff! Very good, thanks Candace.

[@cbertott]

Awesome! Thanks, Mark! Let me know how it goes if you do!

[@peymansalar9539]

Absolutely fantastic and inspiring moved me deeply.

[@cbertott]

Thanks so much!

[@mwilsonfam]

When I saw and heard this presentation from Candace live the first time it made a big impression on me to be more curious and more present. Thank you Candace for the wonderful teachings! I had a some thoughts as she presented that may be helpful. 1- I think that our curiosity needs to come from a place of a genuine love for others and that this will help our connections be even more meaningful. 2- I feel that being truly present takes genuine love, on our part, for others. Candace mentions love as a key and so for me it helps to connect love directly to these actions. I'm still working on these :)

[@candacebertotti7820]

+Mike Wilson Thanks so much, Mike. Indeed, the intention is key (and the place where I screw up the most).

[@michaeldavis6993]

What if I really hate the person, what then?

[@kimberlyflett3605]

You truly are gifted, and a gift to others. :) Kim Flett ...and I can hear "Vote Candace Bertotti" to the tune of "Who's Johnny" right now...

[@cbertott]

What a memory!! And what a treat to get your comment. My apologies I didn't reply sooner! Thanks so much for you thoughtful words!!

[@oneness1_]

Thank you for opening your heart in sharing some relevant personal stories!

[@cbertott]

Thanks for your kind words, Manatee 7!

[@cbertott]

Thanks Manatee 7!

[@BanxMichael]

Thank you for sharing all of this with us💓💓💓

[@cbertott]

Thanks Erin Marie! I really appreciate you watching!

[@hornesa11]

A great message, Candace. So glad to have seen it-

[@cbertott]

Sabra- how lovely to hear from you! I'm so honored that you took the time to watch! Sincerest gratitude.

[@dewo929]

Great speech.. Thank you Candace for today's class and this presentation

[@cbertott]

Sorry for my delayed reply -- I really appreciate you watching and glad you enjoyed class!

[@jmichelleswope9929]

Great talk Candace. I had the distinct pleasure of getting certified in Crucial Accountability with you as the instructor...and I can truly say you practice what you preach! You were very present during that course. I still remember tips you gave to us during our time with you that help me whenever I feel stuck while teaching the workshop. Thank you for being such a great and caring instructor, and for sharing your talk here on KZbin! Best to you! J. Michelle

[@cbertott]

jmichelle swope Thanks so much for watching and posting such kind words! And glad to hear you're teaching Crucial Accountability!! Thanks so very much -- your post is a gift to me!

[@cbertott]

What an awesome gift to read this--thank you! Find me on linked--would love to stay in touch!

[@jumpriver]

Wow, what a great presentation! I think we all know that we need to make more meaningful connections but having concrete ways and tips for doing so is valuable. I took a lot of notes :-) You are a gifted presenter - hope to see more!

[@cbertott]

jumpriver Thanks, jumpriver! I really appreciate it. Please share the video with your friends and colleagues. With Gratitude, Candace

[@karenhunter5094]

You have a wonderful gift thank you for sharing it with the world! May you find the love of your life you desire it. Karen

[@candacebertotti7820]

+Karen Hunter Thank you so much, Karen! I really appreciate it! Please consider sharing my video with others. So thrilled that you liked it.

[@bhanson62]

Extraordinary !!!

[@cbertott]

Thanks, Robert!

[@midnightlibraryofbaseball]

A fantastic presentation from Candace Bertotti. She combines engaging personal stories with insight and scholarship. It's not easy to speak in front of a crowd, period, but to speak with depth, insight, emotion, and humor (some very funny parts!) is quite the feat. Some very good tips and lessons here for interacting with others and yourself.

[@cbertott]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Grateful and touched.

[@iwishyouknew3413]

Wowed! I'm so happy to have seen this inspirating and insightful video on the very night I've been trying to find answers to many questions about my life with my husband. I've been trying so hard to understand how to get my emotions and thoughts together and how to approach him. You're a wonderful woman with amazing insight into reality and these same important words of wisdom are the exact same entirety of sure missing aspects that I've been asking for to help recreate and salvage. I am in sync with you and your strong values about connection and curiosity in the present moment however, I have been working on this exact theories but it just doesn't seem to get through to the one who i would have been happily married to way before life got to busy with him and he has been out of curiosity and built-up the wall of avoidance and manipulation. So I have to say THANK YOU KINDLY, this will help me sum up the words to him as I wished he could feel the openness to give and receive what is right now. Unfortunately, love has to end some day and I have to say Ive explored and experienced passionate chemistry , undeniable attraction, deep trust and pure love with the man I married December 5th and met 6 years ago. Love and Connection to the one who made me feel the most amazing love that I never knew existed is someone and something i am graciously carrying with me. However, people change, money or power can give you safety but the feelings of someone else's commitment and loyalty and that has loved more than a lifetime is nothing more than a wonderful GIFT. However , it's my turn, my biggest gift is time and love and I want to give back the gift of love but I don't do transactions in this case. Only to be back to the way it was when life was not so distant and controlled by others .....

[@candacebertotti7820]

+Alicia Smith Wowed back atcha! Thank you for your gift of writing this message. It touches my heart to know I touched yours. Thank you. Thank you. All my best to you and your family in your quest and journey. Find me on LinkedIn and stay in touch!

[@iwishyouknew3413]

+Candace Bertotti Thank you, that is very sweet of you to respond to me. I would love to keep in touch with you!! You're so lovely!

[@cbertott]

+Alicia Smith Thanks-- I'll look for you there! And if you think my video could affect someone you know--please share it with them. Thanks :)

[@iwishyouknew3413]

I do. I love Tedtalks and I want to get your book. Is it on Kindle? 

[@DianeCollins9633]

Just wow!!!!

[@cbertott]

Thanks so much, Diane!

[@jessicajumadiao3391]

this helped me a lot

[@cbertott]

So glad, Jessica. Thank yoU!

[@lilybrass9yearsago264]

I’m screaming I’m so happy I did this accidentally to someone I really like haha

[@MatthewFrattali]

Love this.

[@cbertott]

Matt Frattali!!! Thank you. Thank you.

[@CoffeeQueen03]

I loved this!

[@cbertott]

Thanks so much!

[@cbertott]

Thanks, I really appreciate you watching! Please check out candid-communications.com to see what else I offer to help people accelerate results.

[@DianaAlexander2253]

Good job

[@cbertott]

Thanks Diana!

[@pinknfluffypillows]

I have a question, what if said person who we wrote down is not willing to be present with you, and pushes you aside? Theoretically or course.

[@cbertott]

Thanks for the question, pinknfluffypillows. A few ideas for you. First, honestly ask yourself if, in the past, you have been fully present to them without judgement. Changing how you show up may change how receptive they are to your presence. I teach Influence - and this sounds like a question of influence - how do you influence someone else’s behavior. One thing we teach from the book Influencer is “communicate natural consquences” -particularly ones that the other person might not be aware of. I know I often multi-task and tell myself that other person doesn’t mind or notice. Having a friend gently and lovingly call me out on my multi-tasking and share how it impacts them can be a great wake-call. For it to be effective though, it has to be communicated with good intentions. I hope that helps! Thanks again!

[@sasukecoochieha]

I like asking people questions but I feel like they view it as prying and then I feel like I'm being annoying

[@MonikaMonikaaD]

💛

[@cumalicicek1606]

Çok güzel bir sunum

[@cbertott]

+Cumali Ç Thank you so very much! I had to look up what this meant! I got "very nice presentation" as a translation. Much appreciated and super cool to know my work traveled to you!

[@LayneCobain88]

I find it’s hard to accomplish these things. I find myself doing all the things she advocates for and most people don’t reciprocate it at all. I go to university and work in the service industry. I meet people all the time and it’s very very rare to connect with anyone. Nobody gives a shit and it’s really sad. I see tables of 8 people all sitting on their phones out at dinner. Nobody has any real interest in connecting.

[@KatherineRivera3561]

Seems Interesting

[@MrBikerboy97]

Katherine Rivera stfu

[@liberatey0urmind]

Pay attention and acknowledge people before you start your main dealings with them

[@DarylWade]

In the appendage of thought there is the spark of true life! DarylZaneWade©

[@cbertott]

+Daryl Wade Thanks for that quote!

[@shepherdwarrior777]

Your yoga session sounds like my morning prayer session...lol

[@cbertott]

LOL :)!

[@irtioravanpyorasta]

I feel the lady talked way too much about other stuff than actually answering the question ' How to get to know someone'

[@BeaVizcarra]

What a cutie

[@GustavoSilva-ny8jc]

2:38 That's super sweat

[@karl3057]

Comments 90

[@jvstAsYouAre]

Mostly true, but very ill-defined. She should learn to convey the message in her head as concretely as possible. That way there is a smaller focus on the emotional influence of her speech, but it is also much more easily understandable and thereby useable.

[@stumpkillergaming1750]

Did you give him time to ask you questions? lol

[@cbertott]

Good point. We can sometimes use questions to keep people from getting to know us. So true.

[@karl3057]

I'm not sure what you 8

[@Ravalos3260]

Too much talk we need a bullet points summary