How To Leave A Toxic Relationship & Why You Stay? | Anxious Attachment

[@saharaofthedeep]

I love being an FA because basically all the content on here is relevant to me.

[@vtchevalier]

Lol 😂 literally

[@MellowBellow1]

But you might be in a healthy relationship as an FA and seeing it as “toxic” when it’s not. ….

[@vtchevalier]

@@MellowBellow1 true

[@user-rb5vo7vn6y]

@@MellowBellow1 I hadn’t come across this idea yet. Would you care to explain or send me in the direction towards more relevant content that I could dive into?

[@MellowBellow1]

@@user-rb5vo7vn6y so a person who has experienced childhood trauma is conditioned to avoid abandonment. FA is an abandonment fear, primarily. The primary abandonment occurred in childhood; where it was life threatening for the child to be “alone” and undefended; a primordial threat to life. So the abandonment trauma can also be akin to what happens to ADHD children when they experience rejection disphoria. Which is in a lot of ADHD literature; but is a trauma response to the rejection children with ADHD experience because they are not neurotypical. . So … FA’s become hypervigilant to threat and can “see” it where it is NOT. perceived abandonment is different to ACTUAL abandonment. And as you probably know, a lot of FA’s “shut down” when intimacy increases. Because they experience abandonment disphoria; the amygdala ( subconscious ) tells an FA to run when things get good. The concept of the “other shoe” dropping. And rubbing before that happens. This is all a subconscious process in an FA, but essentially can look like the FA suddenly hates, is disgusted by, criticises or nit picks or “misperceives” threat where it is not. False accusations and the FA picking fights over minuscule things and taking offence to normal low level relationship events is typical of an FA presentation. The PERCEPTION of threat is a classic post trauma response ( like the Afghanistan vet perceiving a back-firing car as a life threatening attack. …) Also the mistaken notion that flashbacks can be visual and cinematic, rather than purely emotional and totally out of keeping with present events. All of that is seeing threat where it is not. This is all extremely well documented in most trauma literature. It is also documents as rejection dysphoria in ADHD literature.

[@AmandaLiz72]

Trauma Bonding is another important reason that needs to also be addressed; especially if the toxic partner is narcissistic.

[@stormyskyz7881]

DA’s are narcissistic

[@alainpatry]

4:27 exactly what happened to me. I thought I was in a relationship with my FA... But now I realize it was a situationship because of how little she allowed herself to truly connect with me, invest, and show up. I feel like I gave her the level of commitment and connection normal to a 2 year span...but that she gave me what you expect at the 6 month mark. These videos are helpful to process all this.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy this was helpful for you Alain :)

[@edgreen8140]

Every attachment style fears abandonment they just have different ways of showing " I'm not enough". AP, fa ,da. This is pure gold looking at abandonment anxiety through attachment! As a psychotherapist for 40 years dealing w personality disorders- this explains so much. Attachment style- I have done the deep dive and use this plain English to explain to clients why they did x and another person did q. So thank you. People usually don't question their stories.

[@MoschinoAmore]

I don’t think fear of “abandonment” is universal. Fear of rejection and specifically for things you’re consciously or subconsciously sensitive about is more likely to be something an avoidant person experiences. “Abandonment” implies a caretaker relationship where someone fears someone they consciously or subconsciously view as a caretaker leaving. That’s an Anxious-Preoccupied perspective on relationships and it may only be shared by a subset of Fearful-Avoidants. I’m an FA and I fall outside this subset.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I believe every attachment style, even secure attachment style has the fear of abandonment. It's just on the natural side for secure people, while for insecure attachment styles it's an exaggerated response due to that fear because of past challenges you didn't know how to cope with at the time :)

[@kha_leesi2596]

Thank you PDS. Found this page 2 years ago after a terrible break up with DA, am an AP.And it helped me understand me and why I was the way I was. Started dating after 2 years last year in August. And early on, I communicated my needs, honestly, regularly and positively and nothing was changing. I ended. I told them it wasn't working and in December I ended it. No fears of being alone, especially during the holiday season. Thank you PDS.

[@ashleyb.8217]

Hey person who’s reading this, There will be highs and lows when you leave. Prepare yourself to keep moving forward towards your healing.

[@ani4975]

This came out at a perfect time for me - just yesterday, I ended a friendship with my avoidant best friend for treating me passive-aggressively and rudely for 3 years. I feel guilty in some way, coming out of it, because he expressed remorse for how he had treated me, and finally communicated the years of buildup that would cause him to treat me so differently from his other friends. In the moment, I felt like he could change, now that he's finally aired out his grievances with me, but the pain the relationship itself caused me, from his lack of communication and passive aggression, was so much worse. I'm really optimistic, and looking forward to working on my own communication and myself, now that that chapter is behind me. This video was really reassuring that I made the right choice. Thank you Thais!

[@swatiparasnis]

It's unbelievable the notification for this video came in just when i was whining to a friend about why I'm still obsessing about a toxic connection (non-romantic). Thanks Thais .

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Synchronicity! You're very welcome :)

[@RockyRoad17]

Perfect timing ! As an FA I have been anxious to leave a situationship with an unavailable man that's been both heaven and hell. gonna implement these asap

[@roshalllambert]

good explanation of fear of abandonment vs the pain of relationship

[@emey444]

This is exactly why I can not be with a FA, I had to walk away because there is to much push away which leaves me trigger and anxious 24/7 COMPLETELY unhealthy mentally so I chose ME

[@nickbarbosa21]

Somehow PDS continues to blow my mind more and more every time. Thank you!

[@whitepatronus3745]

Could you do a video on how to heal from the emotional pain that ghosting causes?

[@sophiafara5997]

Thank you for referencing the pertinent courses alongside your videos. I find this to be very helpful. Have a nice day.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome Sophia! You have a great day as well :)

[@Calicokitty2]

It just amazes me how very accurately you describe the very words and feelings I found myself having! This is so very helpful! But I've been doing the courses and work, and I have hope!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Yes! Happy to hear you are hopeful! You can do this :)

[@tammy6452]

I have had a friendship that has lasted most of my life, neither of us is the same young mother anymore, the old rules for it die and we recreate. Now I need to take this into my life with my sister and everyone else in my life. The difference, for some reasin my friend has just always accepted me. I am learning.

[@s.m.5478]

Hi Thais Do you agree with Brianna Wiest's essay "16 reasons why you still don't have the love you want"? Could you do a video about it and explain how attachement styles play into it? As an FA I feel really confused after reading it. I think you can find the ebook for free online its called "101 essays that will change the way you think" and it's essay #48.

[@analiablanco]

This was super eye opening.

[@russd3029]

This conversation is pure GOLD. Thank you, Thais!

[@melvinmccullough3946]

Just reading the titles I get so excited cause Ik I’m about to learn sm more about myself

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Wonderful video - this video hits me at bullseye of target of "where I'm at" right now!!!

[@LittleMissGenderingSis]

Can narcissists or somebody with narcissistic traits have a secure attachment style? Woke up too early, got funny questions this morning 😆

[@adrienneoliver5815]

Thank u so so much!!!!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome Adrienne!

[@marsharowaihy6725]

Wow, this is me

[@geetakharel4471]

I wanna join the pds school so bad I’m a anxious occupied and I’m in a very chaotic and unhealthy relationship with a DA and I’m in nursing school but I don’t have the funds to join I tried for 7 days and it was so good but can’t afford to continue, I wanna heal so bad, I feel like I’m gonna fail out of nursing school cause of this relationship I don’t know why I’m not able to leave.

[@christinarichie6171]

Keep listening to the videos and start journaling. I'd recommend getting out into nature as well. You should definitely start detaching away from that man. You will not even care about him within 3 -6 months. Trust me on this.

[@geetakharel4471]

@@christinarichie6171 I failed out of nursing school, I’m still stuck with him. But I think you are right, I will forget him in 3-6 months. I’m blocking him before I go to work today. I’m starting new job and new life.

[@chels2466]

Why do I not attract any partners

[@laurendelane6361]

Every time she interrupts the video talking about this stupid school just makes me want to puke

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Dr. Ramani always says the most anxiously attached are usually the most narcissistic and I have found that to absolutely be true. That or DA on the far spectrum. FA’s always have 1 foot out the door, but are more leaving before they get hurt, or left.. which is what’s instigating them leaving out of self protection. But then the anxious preoccupied are scared of the others leaving, The anxiously attached are the ones that will never let you leave them, that’s that scary stalker “if I can’t have you, nobody can“ toxic $h!t that is always the most extreme and terrifying. The DAs will just leave you. The AAs will stalk you and kill you. Try to ruin your career and obsessively try to ruin your life for years. They always talk smack about the FA and the DA attachment styles, but they are a hell of a lot healthier (by leaving) then the psycho AA’a

[@lyndylou3642]

I've been an AP for much of my life and I haven't stalked anyone! I think you are referring to extremes.

[@erin9243]

You’re getting anxious attachment confused with narcissism. There isn’t much overlap other than fear of abandonment, lack of identity, & the need to use outside sources to regulate self esteem. Stalking + harassment & destroying an ex are purely narcissism

[@Renren625]

ur idea Of all AAs are Wrong