Finding Closure with A Dismissive Avoidant After Heartbreak | Dismissive Avoidant Breakup

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Transform Pain and Grief Associated with Breakups: How to Heal From a Breakup & Transform Grief
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In this video, Thais Gibson addresses the topic of heartbreak and finding closure for the dismissive avoidant attachment style. Learn the three necessary steps to overcome heartbreak as Thais offers up some guidance and reassurance. For more information check out the relevant course above on how to transform pain and grief associated with breakups.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:06 - The Grieving Process
00:02:39 - Step #1: Refocus Attention on Yourself
00:05:15 - Step #2: Set Strong Boundaries
00:06:23 - Step #3: Practice Self-Compassion
00:07:06 - The Deep Stuff
00:07:51 - Needs and Updating Ways to Get Them Met
00:12:18 - Traits
00:13:57 - Question Your Stories
00:15:34 - Intermittent Reinforcement
00:17:51 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:18:28 - Lifetime Promo
00:18:07 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantBreakup #DismissiveAvoidantCourse

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

What is your experience with finding closure? Let us know in the comments

[@eoKingNoodle]

I've noticed when reading comments from people getting over DAs that there is often a lot of anger and pride, not wanting to give the DA another second or any more power in their lives, I found this thinking stalled my healing, I had to let the DA have the power for a while in letting myself admit just how much it hurt and how deeply I felt I needed him. I had to let myself feel it all and cry desperately for a while, and only then did I begin to come back together in myself.

[@SF-pm1ov]

@@eoKingNoodleThanks… haven’t listened yet but I needed THIS perspective. Thank you. I feel so humiliated and want my power back so bad but yes I feel devastated and that’s actually a totally understandable and normal response to the treatment I received.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@SF-pm1ov What helped me a bit is thinking that I am still all the positive things that got the DAs attention in the first place, and also I am so much more, as are you, that we have yet to discover and love about ourselves :) I've gotten over one other DA earlier in life, thought the pain would never end, but today the guy would never stand a chance if he hit on me ;) You will blossom even more with time!

[@howtosober]

It's been really hard for me because of the amount of rage and resentment I have always had toward the ex-partner by the time the relationship is over. Combined with the fact that I've had a pattern of partnering with either DAs or narcissists (sometimes both in the same person), this means I've been continually discarded at the end of relationships as if I never mattered at all, after completely exhausting myself by giving everything I had to the other person to the point where I have nothing left. To get to a point where the relationship is over and I never got to recoup on my investment, experience any reciprocation, or even be appreciated puts me in a horrible state by the time it all blows up. This is where the work of healing disorganized attachment and CPTSD has been crucial for my relationship future. Between you, Patrick Teahan, Crappy Childhood Fairy, Heidi Priebe- and a mountain of books from Bessel van der Kolk to Peter Walker- I've been able to finally get clarity on these stuck patterns and start to move forward to a future where I don't have to repeat these cycles ever again. BUT. The hardest part still is that resentment, which just seethes inside my body every time I remember all the ways the other person treated me dismissively and disrespectfully. The contempt that DAs and narcissists show for their partners is THE single most damaging thing to another person and has unfortunately been a source of pain and hatred for me for sometimes years on end, until I started working on this stuff at a deeper level. In fact, I would really love a video specifically on dealing with this degree of extreme rage and resentment at ex-partners, or even a whole course. I suspect I'm not the only FA in the healing process that has had difficulty with this. If you're so angry with a person you wish you'd never met them and would be happy to hear if they died... you need to heal some serious stuff! I'll say this though, I'll never pour myself into those kinds of people or relationships ever again, even if it means I have to stay single for the rest of my life!

[@Steph15664]

@@eoKingNoodle “I am still all the positive things that got the DA in the first place.” I love that statement. Going to use that as an affirmation. 🙌🏻

[@dr.florence]

To anyone here dumped by a DA: it is NOT you. They will NOT meet someone else. Maybe for a year but not forever. If forever, it's another equally avoidant person. Who would want to never know and be known by their partner?! Unless the DA does the work, they'll be stuck forever. We who are here will grow somehow or other. If you are here, you WILL be fine. 💗

[@aly9626]

needed this, thank you

[@JE335]

She did this, but she met someone else 2 months later while still trying to reach out to me.

[@vsnrm5451]

Thank you❤

[@Tats961]

thank you so much 😢

[@madhuparnaghosh6254]

Thank you. I needed to hear this ❤.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

I feel like with a DA you have plenty of time to focus on yourself bc the DA is always deactivated and finding a million things to do except you .

[@suttonfarms2343]

That is absolutely true! I did find with mine she asked me to stop training (for a specific event) because I wasn’t able to be there for her twice in a year, so I think when their absence is reciprocated even a little, they feel it. Hypocritical, but still 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@abeiswaykooler]

The district attorney. I agree.

[@dr.florence]

yes!!!!

[@gr33dygenius10]

Always? As in 24 hours a day? I challenge that. *throws red flag on field* I can’t speak for everyone, but if that were true, then your DA wouldn’t bother being in a relationship to begin with, there’d be no point. So clearly there’s something alluring that makes him want to stay, despite the triggers. Furthermore, you chose him and built whatever relationship you had, now he’s a bad person because of something that wasn’t even his fault? makes sense. 🤨

[@freddyb3019]

Damn that was a reality check I wasn’t expecting.

[@mattaylor5817]

I'm constantly amazed that even in the face of repeated pain and suffering, avoidants will NEVER accept attachment theory and the possibility of healing. They would rather normalise their pain and terrorise the openhearted.

[@rebelbait]

damn u r so right

[@Sarah-lj1fy]

Are you seriously not seeing FAs all over this comment section?

[@umerwani1178]

If they dont accept attachment theory n refuse to heal,bro run to Himalayas then,there stone walling, deactivation,non vulnerability, Fear of closeness will draw u crazy ,If u love her,ask for healing if she is willing go along with tht.if not jus run off brother save urself from unconcious emotional abuse 😮

[@jerheeberhee]

I come from a place where I’ve known my ex (DA) since we were in high school. Upon reconnecting with him years later, I am aware now that I spent much too much time seeing his potential, but not accepting that he might never WANT to be different. Stupidly enough, I thought our history of knowing each other for so long would somehow insulate me from him doing what he has always done in all other relationships; eventually bailing. I was most hurt by the fact that we never had a conversation, after our 18 years together, about what he felt about any of it, nor would he listen to my feelings about it. He basically ghosted me. And I was left trying to make sense of things alone. Best thing I learned was that with my personality, which (I thought) was accepting of others’ authentic selves, I assumed that by being supportive, that would make him feel secure enough to be able to be vulnerable with me and open up fully. Never dawned on me that his authentic self was him being unable to do that. We wrangled often because I felt he was deliberately shutting me out because he chose not to talk to me about things when, in fact, he was shutting me out because he was unable to open up. Being incapable of talking to someone is different than being unwilling to talk to someone. I always assumed he was unwilling. He WAS being his authentic self. I just didn’t recognize it because being closed off and defensive isn’t something that I can relate to.😂 Lesson learned. I can’t forgive him for how he handled things and how cruel he was, but at least I understand that it wasn’t about me. I am healthier two years down the road. But, that healing took two years. Remember, get better don’t get bitter.

[@ladyenfamouz]

This is exactly what I am going through now. Thank you for explaining your experience so clearly and eloquently in a way that I can relate.

[@jordongee2347]

Heyo boy! Same situation here, dating when we were 15, again in our early 20s, and once more in our late 30s, after 5 years together they moved out while telling me they wanted to be together just needed space, 3 months into complete ghosting im beginning to think that wasn't quite wholly honest. 😂😂 Eh who am I kidding 💔

[@indigodp7]

Thank you for sharing. It really helps me 🙏🙏🙏

[@DreamerEasy831]

Get better, not bitter. Thank you for those inspiring words.

[@howtosober]

Thank you so much for this topic. Since DAs tend to discard people the same way narcissists do, it's impossible to ever get closure with them. So we need the tools to get closure for ourselves, heal our own attachment systems, and never have to partner with DAs again (at least until they heal themselves and are no longer DAs). This channel and school is crucial to being able to end these patterns!

[@harsieseutasu758]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one noticing the huge overlap of DAs and narcissists. It's incredibly cruel, and anytime I've mentioned it, I get attacked by avoidants screaming that APs, secures, etc, are just as bad. (I'm secure) No, no, we aren't. Not even close on average. Sure, there is the rare unhinged AP, but that's like 1 to 100 unhinged DAs. DAs are shaping entire communities in negative generational trauma. There are several creators of color who talk about this and how it's created generations of abuse and broken families. I practiced pediatric DDS for over a decade, lectured and my best friend is a Montessori teacher. The impacts of DA parents are devastating on children. I'm so sad that no one is willing to call this out. Creators have no issues calling out narcissists (also a childhood wound) but refuse to call out DAs despite the overlap. I do think the data of " what I've seen in my practice" is heavily bias since the numbers of avoidants who make it truly to individual therapy is incredibly low and they've already transversed the biggest wall. My ex was a formally diagnosed DA. I'll never forget how he broke my arm in a Wegmans parking lot for asking the question, "How are you feeling, you ok?" And he nuked out marriage that week. We were week 3 of couples therapy. No conflict, no major issues, but we just were trying to get tools to reconnect. He went through all the phases PDS has outlined formally. Just in the course of 3wks. He even rebounded in a matter of weeks. I've seen this cruel ghosting, cheating, discard, gaslighting, stonewalling, and tearing partners apart over and over again from unregulated DAs. (I'm not talking mild ones who suffer shut down but can circle back) No one can convince me between all the documentation and observations that unregulated DAs aren't narcissists lite and abusive. The amount of language she uses in this video is tragic. This is the theme in most of her DA videos. You you you you. YOU have to A. YOU have to B. Not even Thias holds DAs accountable because she knows you can't.

[@Lolipop8686]

@@harsieseutasu758 Thank you for your comment. I feel validated by this and is what I've been thinking since I was discarded by my ex DA. It does feel like narcissism and there is a huge lack of empathy from their part. Our relationship didn't make it to one year but it lasted enough to hurt me deeply. It feel like abused to be honest... and I share your view that this is practically becoming an epidemic. DA's parents who have a big impact on their children or people who end up traumatised after being with a DA... Damn, even I myself can see/feel how this experience with a DA has changed me and not for the better).

[@Denisejohn65NailEd]

It’s the first time I’ve heard of a DA … but I think my husband is one and he’s divorcing me . I don’t know why … he won’t say . It’s very hard to not have closure . I’ve cried a million tears .

[@MeAnINFP]

@@harsieseutasu758”narcissists lite” I like that, seems accurate

[@dannywholuv]

Yo. Seen you about. I feel the pain... Im never doing this again

[@mdmcpherson8574]

FA working through everything after I left a DA I loved deeply but knew I wasn’t going to get my needs met, ever. I needed this, thank you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@lolife1981]

Decisions have consequences.

[@KerryNeeds]

same here

[@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL]

❤

[@ai6024]

Me in this moment

[@alexcosta8167]

From marriage and "wanting a family" to ghosting me out of the blue when I found out I was pregnant with our first child 👍 It ended just like that. As a dismissive type myself, even I find it unfathomable how someone could sink that low.

[@madhuparnaghosh6254]

Why do they have this pattern? It's the same story, except me getting pregnant. Is this what love bombing looks like?

[@eoKingNoodle]

FA missing my DA, though meeting him is the greatest catalyst for growth I have ever encountered, lots of future healing begun that would maybe never have been a thing had he not shown me all these core wounds I never knew I had. I bought the course but as an extreme FA I find myself avoiding the course too.. hurts so much working with the questions.

[@Steph15664]

Definitely don’t avoid the course. The growth you’ll gain from it will bring healing and eventually joy. 🙂 best wishes

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@Steph15664 Thank you! I am working on it daily in very very small portions.. ;)

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Same exact thing here ❤

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@mdmcpherson8574

[@dannywholuv]

Ive been no contact for almost 8 months now. I was dumped like i meant absolutely nothing over trying to have a conversation about where we were at. There has been no closure but whats helped me heal is ive wrote a list of reasons why it wouldnt have worked. Anytime i think of her i read my extensive list 📃 (ironically this is probably what the DA does automatically)

[@rossren9691]

Same here, like literally, I was a week away from quitting my job to move out to her at the end of this month, 6 weeks ago a week before I left my job and 3 days after my birthday she blindsideds me with the break up, I been trying to figure out why...likes why out of the blue with no warning signs, no " you seem quite, is everything alright " moments. I arrived to her house expecting we where going out to celebrate my birthday but was hit with her walking away. I left my job and have been sitting at home for over a month thinking how could someone that says they love you ( she said love you in a text the night before she ended it ) And then just walking away leaving you jobless and broken hearted. She literally checks every single box of a D.A. like down to a T. This has been like a awaking to me watching these videos, it's like the fog has cleared and I can see why and more importantly she her for who she is..... because who i thought she was was nearly the complete opposite in terms of commitment. I actually feel like I'm in shock it's crazy how much my breakup has changed in the last 5 hours this morning I 100% believed it was my fault but now I see it was a 100% her problem, it had nothing to do with me.

[@todzilla3926]

Im here now. it sucks

[@tarkov666]

I was told I was asking for too much just by trying to get to know them

[@georginafronda496]

@@tarkov666told the same thing. Crazy making so broke up with them. Too much drama.

[@simjam1980]

Yeah, but they make that list automatically while they're in the relationship. Meaning it is doomed to failure from the beginning.

[@ttlill07]

I am 55 years old . I never had a real loving realtionship. Did all the steps and therapy but still get toxic people in my life where I have to leave. I am so tired of doing all of these things to just be let down. My life is fine as long as I don't look for a realtionship. Life is easier to be alone. I am tired.

[@eoKingNoodle]

I am no longer looking for a relationship either. I hope life proves us both wrong in a positive way :) Big hugs!

[@gregorystinette8271]

Just get a dog & call it a day; they will love you 10 fold. Woof

[@1974Lozza]

I’m 49 and i feel the same after my break up. I’m done.

[@eoKingNoodle]

I live near this cafe where all the time I see this group of men in their 70's meet up in their electric wheel chairs, and whenever ladies in their age group arrive I can see the men get real excited, it is so cute and warms my heart. Of course these men could all be extreme DAs still hunting for that one unicorn, who knows ;D

[@flagirl0315]

Feeling the same. It’s really hard out there. The moment I get involved with someone my peace is gone

[@alexisb.8965]

I made it 11 months before my DA partner left. I told him I was starting to develop real feelings for him (didn't even use the L word) and he decided to move two states away. So that was crushing.

[@kcluu9390]

I really loved her. She keeps telling me untrue things about myself or what I want. I am writing a goodbye letter to her. Apologizing for all of the things I did do wrong to her, thanking her for the good times, and to say goodbye. Im not afraid to be vulnerable. Im afraid to be with someone like her for the rest of my life.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

Me too. Im doing the same thing - a letter.

[@AmericanDreamer]

have you also evaluated your behavior that you displayed toward her while in a relationship? Have you also put yourself in her shoes and seen how would you respond if you were confronted with your acts in relationship setting?

[@brucefamiglio1610]

Ditto. Sounds similar to my story. Hang in there.

[@kristenmontgomery1680]

So utterly devastating.

[@JohnSmith-ns6dp]

And nothing helps. It’s been 21 years since she left me.

[@indyd9322]

Heartbreak is hard, but you'll get through this. You'll also have the knowledge of how hard it can be to be in relationships with DAs. I wish I had known about attachment styles earlier in my life before I married a DA.

[@warmhart2034]

​@@indyd9322 I'm always amazed that DAs even get married!!

[@mermaidtales4009]

Ex DA didn't really meet ANY of my needs LOL .. AP here. Thanks Thais, again, love yr amazing content/knowledge!❤

[@lifecoachsherrie]

I understand what you mean by saying when we miss someone, we don’t miss their physical form…. But I think most people would disagree. It may not be the primary thing, but a loved one’s physical presence is HUGE. Especially if it was a romantic partner. It would be great to address this aspect of grieving in the future. Thanks for all you do

[@loverofbeautifulthings]

I agree~~I miss everything about his physical form as I had never in my life been so attracted to a man and that is making it virtually impossible for me to move on because I am missing that with others that I meet.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@loverofbeautifulthings I agree, I usually never pay much attention to the physical, that is not what I fall for but with the latest DA it was different, I loved everything about him, I mean I even noticed his toes! The cutest frickin toes! I told him recently that I am slowly getting over him, but I struggle with letting go or getting over his hands. I absolutely love the look of his hands, so weird, never experienced this with any other man I've liked or loved. I've visited a few times as a friend and then still sometimes I just took one of his hands and held it, played with it for a while. He let me :)

[@loverofbeautifulthings]

@eoKingNoodle I used to give him hand massages and foot massages and he had the cutest feet (I understand what you're saying!)~~I loved and adored every square inch of his body. I have *never* been that way with someone before and I miss it terribly. I am afraid I won't feel that way again.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@loverofbeautifulthings I felt the exact same way, and I have to believe we will feel that way again

[@loverofbeautifulthings]

@@eoKingNoodle That is wonderful and I think using this experience to find ways to love yourself is awesome. I am thinking you are young and will most definitely be attracted to someone you will be head over heels in love with again. This old gal (I am 62) has been through a 20-yr marriage, a 9-yr relationship following that, and many, many dates and experiences and I am thinking this might be the one I go to my grave loving and wanting. As I said, it was the first time I have ever experienced loving every single thing about someone (so unlike me). Time will tell! {{{hugs to you}}}

[@TJ-kk5zf]

Tragedy it doesn't have more views. This is hands down the best advice on this topic I have seen on the internet, and I am recovering from a breakup with a BPD after 2 years of insanity

[@WahkeenaSitka]

Your level of insight about the patterns of dismissive avoidants is so accurate and so spot on. Everything you say about this topic is 100% on point. Thank you. I just went through a breakup with my DA and it has been absolutely heartbreaking.

[@penniroyal4398]

I can sympathize with you 😢 I am still trying to wrap my head around my own issues after my lover of 2 years and friends for 4 ghosted me. He used a business trip 3,000? Miles away as his escape route. The sad part is we had both talked about moving together where he went. Once he cleared and gave all his stuff away he drove 3,000 miles to his destination. That’s when he told me he wasn’t coming back nor did he want me to move to where he was. He eventually stopped responding to my texts at all. I’ve been through a lot in my 63 years but to deliberately plan on dumping me the way he did was gut wrenching. I am still not over it since it’s only been 4 months. The weird part was he wrote me a check for a large sum of money the last time I saw him. I didn’t realize it was his way of taking care of me as a final gesture. He also made all the arrangements for my move from his new location as I needed to move because he had been living with me. He hired the mover and paid all the expenses. I am still crying every day and it’s been 4 months. I also drove to his office recently and he had cleared everything out but he also has 4 months worth of mail. It appears he didn’t change his mailing address. It’s all weird, very weird.

[@nicholasgiaculli1040]

Is your last name Sitka?

[@darrenrichards8941]

If you knew about these attachments you would not have made all these mistakes

[@Pablo-cy5ve]

DA broke up with me by text message sent while I was at work, 2 days after coming back from Fiji. We were moving in together in October.

[@MyKittkat]

I’m so sorry. You must have been blindsided

[@madhuparnaghosh6254]

Why do they do this, right before things seem perfect. Is that a trigger for them?

[@TheWooddynamo]

I broke no contact 5 months later and she responded in a positive way. The conversations were good and I was gonna ask to go out soon. It’s been a little over a month. I just found out she’s been seeing someone. All the progress I made is for nothing starting from scratch. Don’t know why i ripped the bandaid off. She means a lot but I know she’s not the one for me. It was a short relationship but to me it was one of the happier moments in my life. She looks at my stories and interacts to them and I thought these were signs but I should have known it was too good to be true. So now I’m back to watching these videos and starting over.

[@mandymakhumalo4568]

5 months is a long time.

[@gal1885]

Same here

[@kristamartin186]

Such a good video, thankyou! I recognise so much of what you have said, especially the end of the intermittent reinforcement. Most of my significant relationships have been with DAs and i realise i've been addicted to ups and downs of how they have responded to me. I think i am healing however because this afternoon i sent a message to a DA i had wanted a relationship with, and immediately regretted it because i felt that familiar anxious feeling spring up and i hadnt felt that for a couple of weeks. And i realised i did not like it after the peace i have finally achieved.

[@sushisam3010]

My stomach ache has gone since I stopped relating to my DA. It's a crazy, abnormal level of anxiety, because you don't even know which way you're going (mixed signals kill mental health). It's a free fall.

[@kimlarso]

@@sushisam3010you’re bored 👉Best way to get over someone is get under someone else😉

[@Monalisa_travels]

Thank you for this! I will definitely be doing these exercises. I knew him for a year, but we only really decided to be together for a few weeks before it all fell apart. He got too scared. It was long distance. For me I had already put him on a pedestal - he used to be nice sometimes when I used to reach out, other times he really told me off to not reach out. So perhaps that is where the bond formed. Its been 3 weeks since the break up and I am regretting saying some things following him giving me the silent treatment. I have tried reaching out but he said its 'getting boring' and he does not want to talk about any feelings. He is apparently 'over' it all. All i can think of is, even though I knew him for a year, I was a rebound from another woman he got to know for 3 months. He told me he already loved/liked me before he met her, so I was not a rebound. I am to blame for getting myself into it, when I knew we have geographical challenges...but momentarily he was happy to come to me. Miss all the messages and love he showed me. Miss how nice he was to me...but not anymore.

[@amy6sheller]

Many thanks for this video. I'm currently in a stage after "break-up" (DA fizzled me from situationship) and it's hard for me to stop waiting for that person to change their mind. Going to make that list a put it somewhere I can see all the time 👍🏻

[@CatsAreTheBestPeople-mm1fo]

This is possibly the most helpful of all your videos I've watched recently (and I've been bingeing a few...) I just wish I'd come across this four months ago when I found myself completely blindsided and heartbroken by a DA! Never mind, better late than never. Now the healing begins. Thank you. 🙏

[@DocBelle2]

12 years of my DA pushing me away but never really letting me walk away. He always just gave me enough. I told him it's time for me to move on and he had no words. Total shock.

[@lindsayhartman7135]

Thais you are a literal painkiller with your wisdom and articulation of this disorder. I needed this in the worst way. Thank you for helping alleviate the pain.

[@roshalllambert]

I knew the pink elephant example was coming up as soon as she started with the example! Apart from that great info as always!!

[@sheliasmith2884]

Thank you going through the healing process now from a DA.

[@NathanSprouleDrums]

That was thought provoking, and helpful. Thank you

[@SonicDephect]

This is the best content I have found on your channel so far. Thank you!

[@dianafranco9595]

Your videos are so helpful! Thank you! I watch them everyday.

[@MsPandaDoll]

The hardest part of it is since i worked on myself and became secure ❤ (took me a year but i made it from FA leaning anxious) i have experienced more ups than downs, more appeciation and effort, easier times with my DA. But one tiny meaningless disagreement and been ghosted once again. I've expressed in the past the effect this has on me and how it makes me feel which he 'understood' but does it to me yet again. I understand why he does it, but it does make me extremely sad that someone who wants me in their life can push me so far away, the very same person who he claims he doesn't want to lose, how he can find relief in doing so is just 💔. This is my first 'adult' or 'matured love' experience at 34, most challenging time of my life, but i feel like i have to quit fighting and love him from a distance, wish him well and hope all of his dreams do come true. I've tried to challenge his behavior with nothing but kindness and compassion using all the tools Thais presented to us, i hoped we can grow together, i hoped we could make it but I'm both emotionally and physically drained beyond words. Thais thank you for your work, you are a treasure to us i'm learning every single day, all my relationships (apart from my romantic one) have benefited from your knowledge and hard work, could not thank you enough ❤ hope we can all heal ourselves, sadly love, patience and compassion is just not enough to help, heal the other person on their journey no matter how hard or long you try.

[@kimlarso]

Good, you get it (ref your last 2 sentences)….He refuses to change his behavior even though he’s aware it traumatizes you & yet, he still does it which is a way of saying F-U👉so, when people show you who they really are 👉believe them?😉

[@motherearth888]

Thank you for validating what my experience has been. Crumbs is what i settle for but no more!

[@davidjames3164]

Oh I so needed this

[@anothercat9600]

Thank you! Very tough to give myself those needs, but it is what I need to do.

[@derekmorcom9431]

Really helpful! Lot of the tips you helped me go over in the QA session, glad to have it all laid out here as a resource!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@shawna0004]

That was so helpful! Thank you! I’m so glad I have these tools now and now I know what a fantasy bond is. Thank you so much!

[@KerryNeeds]

My god, this video is incredibly healing and helpful for me. Thank you so much Thais.

[@mattaylor5817]

Broke up with my beautiful DA again. This video has really set me up for the coming weeks

[@juliejerkoff]

This really resonated with me.. especially the way you described setting appropriate boundaries to not reopen the wounds

[@Moonberriess]

Hi thais, love this thank you! Love all your content so much. Could you also do a video for DAs getting over a break up with someone that they were attached to? I know this can be one of the hardest break ups. Id love to see the difference for them. Thank you!

[@jessicamorales2555]

This video is so relevant, and well expliained. It should be taken to schools, to be shown to every person since childhood. Thanks a lot Thais

[@mikefr12]

Amazing content and detail as always. I am learning more each time I listen to your videos. Helped me come along and grow personally. Especially, the cost of being with past love vs opening up to new opportunities after personal growth and investment in self.

[@Ingrafre]

You are great, Thais! I am sure your honesty about the reasons for attachment helps a lot of people.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@neptunesdreams]

Thank you. This was so helpful. Identifying exactly why we attached to the DA, and finding that elsewhere. So helpful. Also the idea of intermittent reinforcement was profound. 💙

[@gal1885]

I was seeing him for a month…4 dates…3 sleepovers….and haven’t heard from him in 13 days. I guess I have to create my own closure. I have been crying myself to sleep every night. I’m lashing out at everyone because I feel so angry and abandoned. He has really caused damage, damage which could have been avoided or at least reduced, if he had just told me he wanted out. I could have started the healing process the minute he ended things - if he had actually ended things. Ghosting is slow torture because you wake up everyday looking at your phone to see if he sent a text overnight. Nope. And then I start the day with tears. My soul is withering away and he has completely extinguished my light. 💔 it’s not the first time this has happened. My heart has no pieces left to break. I am done with men/dating/relationships/sex forever. I have nothing left to give anyone anyway.

[@Jen-K-2024]

@gal1885 same here. I looked at my phone all the time. When you get no messages , it is the worse. I totally understand the hurt you felt. I hope you're better?

[@unicornsnowflake954]

Before I say anything just wanna say Thais you are gorgeous girl and I love your information ❤thank you

[@ZhengSW]

What I needed 1 year ago...

[@Neeshad22]

2.5 years ago for me! 😅

[@ZhengSW]

@@Neeshad22 Hopefully you've grown as much as I have!

[@Sara-321]

I have been struggling a lot the last few days. Thank you Thais. This was what I needed. ❤

[@halimaali9826]

Same, they did us dirty

[@marinav2733]

He broke up with me because he said he wants to be alone and another reason he can’t forget his ex. I never suspected he is not over someone as we were so good together . He refused to tell me who she is .I’m assuming she is - his ex wife who he divorced 10 years ago, they were married 4 years.He said he will remain single for ever. How could it be possible? I can’t move on for months now…

[@Mermaid03_03]

I know it’s was physical intimacy from the DA but also emotional intimacy and funny even though intermittent. It was such a strong connection that nothing else seems to compare even tho he was unreliable and unavailable. I was missing the affection and intimacy in my marriage so it was everything to get that even if not often.

[@joannedomingo2398]

I couldn’t take the inconsistencies. I felt used and realized it was physical intimacy and nothing more.

[@ancaioanadinca5093]

there is so much to process in this video, it ll take me hours to write the thoughts down but it's just what I needed. Thank you for your videos. I can't tell you how much they help me,to understand myself and others. Thank you!

[@jameschang9591]

Great timing and insightful advice. Almost a month of no contact since breakup with my DA and hits home wholeheartedly. Healing journey may be strenous but all the while worth it.. thank you!

[@dannywholuv]

Im 8 months. Not a peep from her. It does get easier but every now and then i think WTF happened. Its so confusing 😢

[@carmadariacompaniona4181]

I'm wondering if DAs tend to blame others for problems in their relationships? I just ended a relationship with one (I think), and he absolutely cannot see what he did wrong (dismissing, withdrawal, defensiveness, criticism...). His fingers are pointed directly at me. I felt that I was doing lots of emotional work in the relationship, trying to help him sort out things. In the post break up period, I'm not so much blaming myself (as in the video) as wondering why I saw the little red flags (combined with some strengths) but chose to try to work with them, discuss them, etc. instead of simply facing up to the reality that this guy has unresolved issues from his childhood (unacknowledged) and past dating relationships (always the fault of his ex's despite my trying to help him see what he may have contributed or even trying to help him pull out the lessons from them). Any thoughts?

[@uniquedavenport]

Avoidants have a really hard time reflecting they often deflect dumb down and suppress their feelings and eventually find a way in their head to justify their reasoning for ghosting and or going cold not all avoidants do this but MOST of them do the first time my ex ghost me he gave no explanation which made any logical sense we spent my bday weekend together had a great time and the next week after that he ghosted me and then told me he felt like we should break up because he wasn't handsome enough😂😳🥴🥴mind you I never one time had a conversation like that with him and that never came out my mouth but somehow that's the reasoning he came up with he also expected things to go back to normal after trying to come back and be friends he said you can call me anytime just don't talk to me about our relationship or anything like that it just felt so cruel and stupid that someone I knew and loved could just all of a sudden turn into a different person over night he has yet to go to therapy but claims he wants to change and told me he feels like he has a chance for us to be together again one day yet I haven't seen him in almost 3 years and he doesn't even have my number he just randomly sends me memes on Instagram and a hay what's up text every 3 months which I barely respond to be some how he just thinks will be together without him doing the work on himself or even being accountable it also doesn't help that he looks up to Andrew tate and Kevin Samuels it's just really crazy he is a good guy though but just very very lost

[@belleiccm9801]

Thank you so much! This is so helpful to me - your simple, understandable and doable approach to moving forward after a break up with a DA.

[@dustinquinton]

Great video! Very helpful.

[@annaganey1534]

Could you address what about the DAs cause so many to put them on a pedestal?

[@Theri000]

They're not easily accessible so having any kind of intimate connection or influence over them tends to feel like an achievement. It's similar to the "bad boy" trope. Many women would chase a man who's generally not good because they would like to believe that they have the power to change him/or that they'll be the only person he can be different with. Early professional psychology learner here but that's basically it. We are innately wired to want attention or affection from people who don't give it out easily,it seemingly validates a sense of importance; that we're "special".

[@1974Lozza]

2 months on from my break Up, I really needed to hear this. It’s her birthday today too, and I’m trying so hard to not break no contact.

[@eoKingNoodle]

Celebrate yourself today in every positive way you can!

[@la6698]

This is your reminder. Don't do it. Don't text her.

[@mermaidtales4009]

U'll feel so good waking up tomorrow knowing u did NOT text! Just went thru this, kept busy etc. U can DO this - it's one day💪💪👍

[@1974Lozza]

@@mermaidtales4009 thank you. It was really difficult, but I made it 👌🏻

[@danieleddie2873]

@@1974Lozza gj

[@dustydreamsstudios]

Thais goes into the complexities in the trenches and brings crystal clarity to it all. So rewarding to watch and listen

[@melody1668]

what's an advice for when you just brought up to the table an issue, a recurrent one that's undermining your (long term) relationship with a DA, then talk about the possibility of taking a break, and they just completely shut you, the discussion and the relationship down, like with no possibility of discussion, or agreements, or even express your feelings in a productive way, they just stonewall you, block you and dissappear out of nowhere leaving you with not only your heart exposed in your hand but also your long term plans and a suppossed healing process that you both would go through together? coming for a heart broken FA.

[@DC31952]

I’m sorry this happened to you, I’m going through the same thing and it’s devastating

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

My FA ended things last night. Not quite DA, but close. I am an earned secure from slight AA, but this has triggered my previous AA and betrayal trauma.

[@Steph15664]

So sorry to hear that 🙁. I feel your pain. I’m about a month out from my FA break up. It stinks. Sending you good vibes. ✨

[@eoKingNoodle]

I am so sorry, I wish you the best ahead, I'm an FA leaning DA, until recently I didn't know about attachment styles, I've never dated an FA, never knew the other side of it. I hope you will very soon feel whole and energized again!

[@sushisam3010]

In the third month you will be much better. In the fourth and fifth you will see things in a profound way that you have not seen before. I thought it was all my fault in the end, so said my ex DA, but today I see so much immaturity and I learned what attachment theory is. I can better see where I can improve and say, like so many people here: think carefully before getting into a relationship with a DA -- because even in therapy, there's unjustifiable behaviors even though they are unconscious (and yes, they deserve love and to be loved, but they need to self help first, because nobody enters a healthy relationship to create distancing mechanisms). The way I was treated and discarded -- first conflict, I called to talk and give my boundaries... poof, DA is gone! -- brought my anxiety beyond what is normal for me. Then there's this thing about them being unable to go through a conflict and maturely finalize things, give closure. Don't get me wrong, I really like my DA, but is there a reality in between. It is this reality that makes us grow. When you give closure it's so powerful, because you see that you don't need them, although it's the right thing for two people to sit down and talk. But when you close by yourself, there is no return on your strength. But you have to be ready for it. It's not fast, it requires learning in suffering -- so don't run away, live your mourning! And you acquire an emotional tool to recognize these patterns and not repeat them. You start to want people who, at the very least, don't send mixed signals and actions follow words. You also understand that it is a waste of time trying to "heal" someone for love, that you are not a psychologist or the other's mother/father. That losing your authenticity on the way to a relationship is a symptom that something is not right with you and the relationship. That you shouldn't speak as the other prefers to hear (walking on eggshells all the time) -- this, for me, became something huge: I refuse to use "xyz words", because the other carries an emotional problem and cannot hear truths about the bs they do (and are incapable of apologizing). The most wonderful thing about a good, painful closure, is being able to emotionally detach from the relationship and see, elaborate, that our path is to become more and more ourselves. It's a way inwards. It's so powerful to get out of the shackles and see what's fair, what's truly yours and what's the other's. Love is for those who have the courage to be vulnerable. The difficulty is respecting the other's time and ours. It's not an easy thing to have a relationship and it requires being open to recognizing our immaturities -- because we have so many.

[@hilaria0919]

Thank you Thais, I don’t know how long will it take to heal from the pain (getting from DA). Buts some how it makes me feel better by learning abt the theory n characteristics of DA n their behaviors.. It distracts me from self doubts, self hatred and endless self blame.. 😢 Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight:)

[@beviwevi]

Love your videos

[@ringostarrs3rdwifeyxoxo869]

Soo well done ❤

[@minorhobo]

Thankyou…. The key is to focus on yourself and do the work. DAs will abuse and use due to their vulnerabilities. You will feel huge empathy at first for their struggles. But when they don’t move forward and remain dismissive and avoidant then staying is a form of self harm which will erode your esteem. You must look at your own anxiety and why you chased and became addicted to a person who is incapable of a proper relationship

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@gogohappygirl]

This is a great summary of the break up course which I am currently about halfway through at the moment after my DA broke up with me by text 10 days ago. We had been in limbo for the past three months prior, so Innoway I got a bit of a Headstart on the grieving process. I’m FA. Once I started going through the questions in the course, I noticed slowly my better days started to increase. Still some very hard days in between, though. It’s hard, but still better than being stuck in the limbo that we were in. That was agonizing.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Thanks!

[@Ninsidhe]

I’m working so hard on trying to find out what that need is in me that drives the striving to connect so that I can meet it MYSELF and be DONE with these painful, awful dynamics- I know where it started, yes yes, but what IS it that keeps me trying to engage a stone wall? 😞

[@cryptoandzen7611]

amazing video

[@danwilliamson1846]

She literally said shes done for good screenshot our conversations anf put them on Facebook 😒 i loved unconditionally. Got nothing but put downs DA's only put themselves first. She saying she walked away its self respect. Shes expecting me to chsnge to her needs, she never validates my feelings very emotionally disconnected

[@Cre8Fire34]

Other than sexual intimacy, the last 5 months of a 20 month relationship - I can't think of 1 need that I got filled. Her life was constant drama and turmoil ( physical, emotional, psychological, relational).

[@lianamartinez650]

Intermitten Reinforcement- I needed that term to put to what I'm experiencing.

[@lolife1981]

Wow, Thais..you are so grounded. 😂😂

[@LeeChrissy]

Just chiming in to say that I love the DA's in my life and the ones I met on this channel. ❤ It's sad that people come on here to bash them. I was hurt by a DA too, but after I started the healing process, I realized the I was hurting my DA as well. FA's and AP's aren't always peaches so they should spend less time blaming the ex partners and more time healing themselves. And to keep calling DA's that they've never even met narcissists based on their own personal experience isn't cool. I know manipulative narcissistic AP's but I'm not over here saying they're all like that nor am I saying a majority are either and I'm certainty not hopping on AP threads bashing them. I invested my time into PDS to heal and it's clear some people need the help too. If something or someone triggers you, it's up to you to find where that trigger came from and heal that. I'm a FA and on here to get help, not hurt other people by airing my grievances because I'm unhealed.

[@eoKingNoodle]

Agree, FA here too, and I love the DA in my life, even if I can't have him ;) It was on this channel after he dumped me that I found out he even was a DA, and it was sad grieving that loss while reading all the angry "good riddance" comments as if I'd lost nothing. I am not looking for or wanting a relationship, not even with a secure, and I'd have loved to waste many many years in a situationship with this guy, it would've suited me just fine.. :)

[@LeeChrissy]

@@eoKingNoodle ughh the situationship is the reason we ended. I'm not comfortable in them and I think it gives the other person an easier out to leave without trying. Yeah the people on these threads can be brutal. I can always tell the unhealed ones. I'm still healing as well, but at least I've gotten to a place where I can take accountability for myself without tossing endless blame on my DA.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@LeeChrissy I agree, it seems the more people heal the more they are able to choose and focus on what is right for THEM, instead of focusing on what punishment or lesson the other person should get or learn. I feel people will never find freedom while focusing on the other person and seeking justice for what happened. It's a trap. I would've liked more from my DA but the situationship lets me enjoy him in small portions and then leave, I really love him but we are incompatible, only I am not ready to fully let go yet :)

[@LeeChrissy]

@@eoKingNoodle me neither. I started taking the courses and interacting in the webinars and I swear it's a blessing and also a distraction from missing my DA. Working on myself has been very rewarding so at least I feel like if we have another cycle, I will better handle it and feel more comfortable addressing situations without scaring him off. Lol

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@LeeChrissy I also love that the courses serve as both a distraction from the missing the DA and also helps me become more whole, so that either way there are many wins :) I noticed for me one of the things I miss with mine is how alive I felt when dressing up and getting all pampered to see him, and for the time that he was focused on me before he dumped me I loved the feeling special and feeling chosen, "apart from the rest". I now find some help in kind of choosing and making myself feel special on a daily basis, dressing up for me, choosing a good perfume, taking place and standing out a bit in the world, seeing myself. But the missing is hard at times

[@tarkov666]

Doesnt matter what you mean to them, or what you did for them, as soon as they realize you APPEAR too close, you are dead to them. They might tell you straight to the face, or worse they avoid telling you, but do a slow fade to the point it is dead anyways. Nothing worse than trusting someone when they say they are busy, only to realize its been 1.5 uears and they get mad that you invite them to things once a month.

[@dangfd551]

This is a good video, and I usually have a lot of concerns with your others! 14:40 I’ve found your perspective refreshing. I think the hardest truth to accept after such an experience is that there is no one “story.” We can tell ourselves dozens, if not hundreds or thousands of stories only to come up with more, the story may reflect a facet of the truth, but the complexity of any “truth,” could not be so simply reduced to a mere sentence. I came up with more than enough stories, I thoroughly explored each one and opened up to what feelings and thoughts they evoked. Every story hurt, some more than others, but none could provide a sufficient explanation. I still come up with more stories, but It’s become clear now the story cannot replace the experience, only cover.

[@deedeewells1152]

Huh I'm curious what your concerns w the other ones are? (No hate to Thais, I love her videos! Just curious cuz i find it can be easy to pedestal counselors when in reality everyone we get information from we are allowed to agree with parts and disagree with parts it's not all or nothing)

[@dangfd551]

@@deedeewells1152 I think the courses offered are problematic, offering discounts for hundreds of dollars or thousands for access that already costs thousands. I think it takes advantage of the insecurity and vulnerability in people who experienced a traumatic relationship. I’m also not comfortable with the excessive marketing, short clips, and their approach towards making content that preys upon the audience and profiles them in relation to their attachment styles… 10 ways to get dissimissive ex back, 10 signs of a dismissive, why the relationship ended, etc. this kind of unproductive content is like clickbait for obsession, anxiety, and uncertainty. It’s like they’re in the business of selling a false sense of security, but we are all ultimately insecure. It’s not linear, it’s not dichotomous; you don’t just go from insecure to secure… there’s no pill or product for security, and there’s no amount of information that you can search for externally in a relationship to make sense of it if the person you are relating to is not an active participant anymore. I think it’s more often than not their videos and marketing preys upon people disillusioned after breakups in disempowering and destructive ways rather than empowering and integrative.

[@vg6005]

I appreciate your input on the way they are marketing this knowledge,very insightful. I like her and watching the videos has helped me somewhat but it's been a bit offputting how they sell it. Social media and youtube is a tough business with a lot of competition so I assume they feel forced to use this kind of hard marketing that easily take advantage of peoples vulnerability.

[@rachhhh9722]

I really need to question my stories . I always feel like my partner acted distant because he doesn't love me , I think he nitpicked because Im not good enough and I don't feel like I will have love or a happy relationship like it's not in the cards for me but I know these things probably aren't true

[@instagamrr]

I’d love more content like this please ❤ I would have left my da/narc (still can’t tell which he is cuz i don’t know his motivation!) way sooner if there was more help for moving on

[@sloppychoppy]

Please do an "as a" version of this.

[@mermaidtales4009]

Thais, have never heard the term "Fantasy Bond" -- Def resonates with my situation..

[@Cre8Fire34]

Its kind of dismissive to suggest that the INDIVIDUAL isn't missed, but the needs they filled, IS. Denies actual intimacy and makes relationship seem purely transactional.

[@mds1184]

I’m the opposite of the DA. I really want to be back in a relationship but I sabotage it by not knowing what she wants out of a relationship. Yes I try to ask but she always tells me that I should know by now and I never really get the answer. I really want to be with her. I appreciate her and I think we could be great partners.

[@lolife1981]

True DA's will not re -engage or be "friends", especially if the other person initiated the break up.

[@kelseycoca]

I'm an FA with a DA, we've been together for 6 months and I'm hyping myself up for the "I wanna date you" conversation, I worry it'll scare him and we'll break up so I'm also preparing for that possibility, too

[@Observerka]

I dated one a few years ago and the most liberating feeling was actually having this conversation. The pressure and all build up just disappears after that convo no matter the outcome.

[@sidesaddle001]

My ex dismissive avoidant was a full blown alcoholic. He went cold Turkey and was so poorly thru it. He was quite narcissistic with drunk in him. He hit a health problem via his left leg, venous insufficiency and a ulcer that took a year to heal. Now that he is debt free and leg now mended he ditched me after 7 yrs. last 2 yrs he drank in moderation and better improved but as they say once an alcoholic always one. He may have gone back on the drunk I don’t know. He’s been crueler than ever. He is so fine with me and sees no part in it all that was 4 mths ago. I’m so fed up if hurting and feeling like dog dirt on his shoe. He blocked me on everything cos I sent him a couple of your links re DA’s for self awareness. Advice please Thais?? 🙈😞

[@darrenrichards8941]

If your da does not want to work on them selves after so long me 7 brake up 4 years its time to walk away

[@daisyaguilar5688]

Do you have information on how to heal from a narcissist?

[@littlelam3691]

My boyfriend just broke up with me out of the blue. He seemed absolutely captivated by my until this point (9 mths in). We were weeks away from moving into the home he bought for us to start this next chapter in. He literally booked and paid for our vacation 8 mths from now 4 days before we just ended for no apparent reason. We never argued, never spoke with disrespect, and seemed to just always have a jolly time together. He blamed ptsd from his divorce 3 years ago and being afraid of being hurt like that again. Would this be considered a DA or FA attachment style?? And do you think he is lying about his reasoning for doubting his future with me??

[@adamreynolds1367]

She’s done it before the discard is always brutal but this time particularly so,I knew it was over because she told me she loved me …. 5 yrs I heard those words three times that was the third 😢

[@roberttruman8444]

I take it that all the talk of traits the DA had and needs they seemed to meet is pretty academic if you cannot actually pinpoint what they were but you can match them with those of an absent parent?

[@dentrout9383]

Is your book somd at Barnes and Noble? And whats its title?

[@thecollegedr3031]

I was engaged with a HSP and DA for 5.5 years and she dropped me like I was nothing after an argument and she took it way too far. Like totally went off the cliff. No closure and she just left with no communication. Like she didn’t even want anything to do with me ever! We had a loving relationship and it went south very fast and done after an argument It was crazy!

[@trixtrix1767]

I can somewhat relate definitely no where near as long as you were together not even close acrually, but just ended it over a silly misunderstanding and never looked back. I’m still struggling let alone for you who were with someone for 5 years I can’t even imagine. It’s so painful. I secretly wish I was like them in that aspect to be able to not feel

[@peterborland4022]

It has been a year since I was blind sided dumped by a female DA - it hurt like heck and was most brutal dating experience I ever had (2 weeks before she dumped me she had asked me to move in with her, said she had cleared it with her flat mates and was looking forward to meeting my parents!). With hindsight I think she monkey branched me at the end and had been out on a date the night she dumped me.. on anniverary of being dumped I asked her how she was doing and sent her pics of me and my new gf - I was swiftly blocked 😂 but for me I kind of felt like I evened the scores a little after getting dumped and having to suffer like I did last year! I told her I wished her well and made her aware she was a DA (she agreed) and told her to go anf get therapy, I am not sure 0:01 if she will/has done or not.

[@ds37215]

The fact that you kept track of the anniversary of the break up and remembered to reach out to her on that date and send her photos of your new relationship with the hope of revenge would indicate that you are far from over the ex and haven't begun the healing process. The ex is no longer in your life and continues to consume your thoughts and drive your behavior. It sounds like you and the new girlfriend are in for a world of hurt. She will be deeply hurt when she finds out and you'll hurt deeper when she leaves. Better to heal than to allow someone (the ex) who doesn't care about you at all to have this power over you.

[@dannywholuv]

Did you point out that she was a DA during breakup, or was it before or after?

[@peterborland4022]

@@dannywholuv I only realised she was a DA after the break up - then I told her about attachment styles and that I thought she was a DA, and she agreed.

[@lilliankillian7366]

Hi ty for this. I was with my guy for 3and ahalf years hes is so many of the things u said. He just said he cant do it anymore. We got along fine had alot in common. But not very affection and i am. Can i hope that he might come back?? Its been two months now .ty for any advice.

[@AR-hq2mf]

I am at a loss too. Tried to send him a letter, sent him gifts, talked to his Aunty to pass on a message to him. Passed on positive short notes of what I love about him. It has been 4 months and my DA adored me so much and prioritised me. But after he spiralled it was like I was the number one enemy. 😢

[@lilliankillian7366]

Can u help with some kind of answer

[@AR-hq2mf]

Hi Lillian. Sorry I don’t have answer myself. I tried it all. But have heard nothing back. I got an auntie to send him small short messsages and a non critical introduction to dismissive avoidant from tiktok with a short message saying, “this may resonate. This is what you and her were going through. It’s called attachment theory. You and her were both triggered in the moment. It is normal. And happens normally to couples as they get past the honeymoon stage to the stability phase. You are amazing, you are accepted, loved, no shortcomings, she continues to speak highly of you and has no expectations of you to be or to do more but be yourself. “ he seems to have read it but no reply. All the things I have done - continues to stonewall me. I am at a lost and crying a lot too. I think he may be seeing someone else to make it worse as he is currently doing the flaw finding that a Dismissive avoidant go through after a break up. I can only ride it through I think and hope that she makes a mistake too and he gets to see, the short sweet messages I send. Hard though because he is never the type to go back to an ex and he has cut even friends off from his life when they even mentioned a slight criticism. I think it works only if the da also sees their pattern in past relationships and it’s not just their ex who is always in the wrong. Mine keeps looking at himself in the victim mindset.

[@AR-hq2mf]

When my da and I were still together. I used to give him constant reassurance like “ thank you for what you are doing for us, I appreciate you, I love how you work hard, it’s ok to take a break, you can reply on me etc, let me know if you are not ok and I will be your Rock” which is why he became obsessed and so comforted and loved. But I couldn’t give it 2x due to a situation that I was in, I tried to explain, he spiralled into negativity and said that he does not want to marry me anymore. I heard that I wasn’t supportive enough. When he was told why I couldn’t do it, he dismissed it as I just wasn’t strong enough to handle it. The flaw finding.

[@KerryNeeds]

@@AR-hq2mf I used to be like this. He will have built a picture and story of who you are, its his way of coping. He will feel much safer alone so thats why he is isolating. I know it must really hurt.

[@darrenrichards8941]

I have been with a da for 4 years long distance this time i hurt her this is our 7th brake up i ask her 17 times do you want to brake up before i was going to marry her i had to know so stupid i know it coused the brake up she never broke up with me there in her country she waited to do it when i got home . Do you beleave im going back to her country in 4 months as she knows im going to reach out and see if she wants to go out on my birthday . I never knew about attachments or we would not have went through all these brake ups ,every time she pushed me away i thought she may be cheating i am anktios . You need to move on if they are not wanting to work with you because i truly know if she gave me a chance it woukd be sososo differnt .......i will be so strong to walk away fully change number e.mail and walk away and move on ......people have attachment styles but people have feelings if they dont want you and say no after distance let them go ......

[@dannywholuv]

What about reaching out for closure? Anyone experience with this? Is it a bad idea? Cant imagine a DA talking deeply and fear ill just get ignored

[@Observerka]

I did try years ago. Bad idea. To quote him "I don't know what quest you are on but I am not having this conversation. I am either gonna block you or leave you on seen".

[@warmhart2034]

​@@Observerka That's brutal!! Sorry you had to go through it😢 Hope you are okay now.

[@Observerka]

@@warmhart2034 yes. All good now. It was years ago. Thank you

[@RaySmithWeb]

They say when a DA breaks up with you because they don’t want to do their work, you have to be a high value person and give them the breakup. Stay in no contact, which is the only way to get them to do the work, and for us to be able to do our work. If you reach out, it tells them to be even colder to get the breakup to stick. In their mind, all these unanswered questions and loose ends seem like closure. We can’t get a DA to do the right thing, but we can keep working on us.

[@dannywholuv]

@@RaySmithWeb sound advice, thanks. ill hold off although its been 8 months now and not a word said. Breakup was so silly too its frustrating 🙄

[@gregorystinette8271]

None of this is relevant in my life because my dog is #1. Woof

[@starlightdreamer1999]

Much safer and no head games with a dog

[@ryk7296]

Iam not an expert, but DA's do sometimes fall for the other person especially if they have lived a certain part of their life where they are able to self - reflect, even a tiny bit on their behavior. That person usually is FA I think, who helps them feel seen and understood. It allows the DA's to have a self reflection on their behavior, due to the constant push pull of the FA. This relationship is obviously not rainbows and roses, as their is still silent treatment, stone walling and push-pull from the DA side. One other thing I want to highlight, most relationships of ours and people around us are doomed to fail in the long-term. Same is the case with DA's. What's different about a relation with this type of person is that people find it hard to move on from them and they end up on videos like this. DA's do fall in love, show up, and care only if they fall in love hard enough. They will make effort, although it will not be 100 percent from their side but still it would be something. Only in this case they will try to work on themselves and actually show up as not to hurt the loved one. The other person will still get hurt. If you think this is the case and DA has fallen for you hard and keeps coming back and trying to make himself better only then try your luck on them otherwise move on just like in any other relationship with a normal person which would not ve working. Lastly, DAs rarely fall in love this strong and don't expect this from younger DAs. You will feel it if the feelings of the DA are strong enough to make them realise to work on themselves.

[@dilasmiracle]

the energy of the background with too much brown i feel like isnt very healing. Just an opinion. I LOVE YOU YOUR TEACHINGS IVE BEEN A STUDENT AT THE SCHOOL FOR MORE THAN TWO YEARS AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE. Thank you for existing❤️

[@breakfastime]

In my opinion it looks amazing with her skin tone and eyes. Brown and blue is so comfy! Edit: just wanted to say that color energy is real and I understand why some may not be as drawn to brown or neutrals..so I’m not trying to say brown is healing if TarotBarbi says it’s not for them! 🤍

[@deedeewells1152]

Yeah I like brown and I feel cozy w all the pillows and couchiness

[@marlapeters9359]

I too , enjoy the brown cozy couches in the background.