How To Outsmart A Narcissist - Don’t Argue Or Fight With Them… Do This Instead | Dr. Ramani

[@yukio_saito]

A toddler's tantrum is a part of growing up. An adult's tantrum is a red flag. 🚩

[@theoryofpersonality1420]

My child even as a toddler never threw tantrums. Toddlers throw tantrums to gain control. They grow up to be the same way.

[@movingforwardfco1587]

The key is being able to learn this. There needs to be a return policy. No seriously. WTH are we doing allowing these sick animals to torture and even kill their victims. They are not examining human behavior at the point when they bawled their fists their face turns red and they start screaming shut the f****** because your attempting to talk about your health or anything else they are not comfortable with. This unacceptable.

[@carriemccurley-th8gn]

@@movingforwardfco1587 Exactly. If they treat those they claim to "love" this way, what do you think they do with others? It's very criminal.

[@hellosoleil]

Oh can happen when you are piss of facing a narcissit familly

[@tutonenonya9567]

So true!!!

[@conwaycat5112]

“If you want to stop a fire, take away the oxygen.” Perfect.

[@FallenSummer84]

Wisdom.

[@quantumzoflyne]

you can keep taking away oxygen just to stop the fire until you take away your breath too

[@LilyAmongThorns]

⁠@@quantumzoflyneif you listened to Dr. Ramani you will have heard that things take time. If you get the strength to not play the games anymore and simply stop adding fuel to their fire, not argue etc, they probably will be the one to get bored with you and leave. If they don’t but only get more violent it might be a good idea for you to pack up and leave. Either way it will be a difficult road, but it will be your road.

[@LilyAmongThorns]

@@quantumzoflyneI hope you listened to what Dr. Ramani actually says because there is much wisdom in what she shares.

[@Nic-f5w]

Problem with narc, if you stop the oxygen, the fire explode....so sad

[@dhashane517]

A toxic person will never change. They just change victims.

[@devon-graves-studio-D]

...while believing they are the victim.

[@Ultramowing]

also they often will simultaneously treat different people differently and most do not have the perception or awareness to pick up on that. you will be left on an island - prepare to have most everyone invalidate or limit their relationships with you if you ever go against a narcissist.

[@Joshdifferent]

💯💯💯🏃🏾🏃🏾🏃🏾

[@ellagoldie9686]

​@@devon-graves-studio-Dagree 👍💯

[@elizabethsheffield6609]

@@devon-graves-studio-D ......"CLAIMING" they're Victims! lololol

[@astrialindah2773]

How to outsmart them is to not play with them. Period.

[@patriciavandevelde5469]

Ok,but what if he stole a lot of money?

[@SuperRajat1984]

@@patriciavandevelde5469 please consider that a failed investment. You do not want to deal with that person in any way possible. I myself was duped by a covert narc ex under false pretenses. These snakes never never change. Hold tight to what you have and run away... Never ever deal with them. They will make your life a living hell.

[@tinabolesful5184]

​@@patriciavandevelde5469Oh my God.Same girl. Old man nicked my money. It's hard to get over that part but I'll never contact this rubbish. I have to leave it to karma

[@lutherparker9533]

Fact

[@CeresCorp]

Very often not engaging is interpreted as and manipulated to become consent. I have been through that. Turning that around and raising my voice, yes, is indeed engaging and never leads anywhere. But I will not allow anyone to use my silence for consent.

[@topwreckfleece]

Don't defend, don't engage, don't respond is the best response.

[@samanthamarquez4358]

So, let them hit you for ignoring them, they get offended lol

[@tammy1190]

​@@samanthamarquez4358 I pray you can get get away from this mental and physical abuse safely and live with peace. ❤️

[@Cybergirl388]

Trauma bonds

[@elizabethsheffield6609]

@@ericschminke8233 ........step back - as they are THE Bullies & are searching for your Reaction which you MUST ignore, b.c. that's how they get their kicks......this will hurt them much much much much much much more than it will ever "hurt" you. Taking the remotest INTEREST in them .....is the fuel for the fire they are searching for - enabling them to come back again & again & again at you!! And so IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE......... It works & YOU will sleep better too .IMHO...

[@EllennSampson]

R u​@@Cybergirl388

[@yukio_saito]

2:34 Don’t go DEEP: 🚫 Don't Defend 🚫 Don't Engage 🚫 Don't Explain 🚫 Don't Personalize It's easy to remember and simple to practice. I have been practicing this technique for years. 😊

[@LeeReactzzz]

it just listening ?

[@acustomer7216]

​​​@@LeeReactzzzit's not reacting. They thrive on provoking a reaction which they turn around on you and call you over-reacting, too sensitive, stupid etc. react with generic non-reactionary responses like: that's interesting! How nice! What did he/she/they do/say?

[@yukio_saito]

@@LeeReactzzz For more details, look for this video: "Narcissism and the deep technique"

[@phylvalen9991]

Leave.

[@karenliles8548]

When you can’t leave because of ‘business that’s not finished yet and timing is not in your control’ then use the time to collect data, document it all, build your case and prep to take it to court if that’s where the Narc likes to ‘play onto you’, the whole point is to stick to the facts in court, prove their guilt by presenting evidence of their behaviors-their words are only good to listen to because it’s an insight into their own thoughts and behaviors- often admission of their own guilty behaviors because they accuse you of things they are actually doing. If it’s possible to get any ruling against them in a court it’s def worth doing until you can finally be done and walk away… forever. You have to Be very inconspicuous until you have enough data to get a ‘guilty’ from a judge or jury.

[@PassionateFlower]

You know that bad feeling you get when you're watching a scary movie during the suspenseful scenes where everything is quiet and the music is making you feel uneasy even though everything looks "normal" on screen but you just KNOW you're about to see/hear something AWFUL in a few more seconds? THAT is how you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you are dealing with acold blooded narcissist. They make you feel LIKE THAT.

[@WhatSkarletSees]

Yep! This is a great description! Going on holiday with them is definitely like that. Or just being alone with them ...

[@marianne57]

Oh my this is the best definition I’ve seen and have been there.

[@sonlya2010]

But why do people stay then? I know my daughter feels like this but won't leave.

[@Kate-to3iq]

Oh wow how very well put. Married over thirty years and feel perpetually scared. Something bad is either happening now, just happened, or is about to happen. One of the worst sounds in the world to me is the crunch of tyres on gravel that signifies he’s home. click of the key in the lock of our front door makes my heart race and not in a good way. Living with a narcissist guarantees chronic stress. It is a living hell.

[@richwatkins9724]

Exactly. The vague feeling that something is wrong. Everything seems superficially fine. But in the back of your head, there’s a quiet apprehension that something isn’t quite right about this person.

[@shereeholland172]

You don't outsmart them. Because there is no point in the first place. Exercise your own self compassion to get the energy to move forward rather that concentrate on a negative relationship.

[@danieller3215]

Exactly. Energy flows where attention goes so if you watch narc videos for too long, you’ll marinate in the doom and gloom that is your life. If you are able, and I really emphasize that if you truly are able to get out, focus on moving forward and try to surround yourself with positive people, places and content. Good luck fellow survivors!

[@autumn7031]

That's the point of what Dr Ramani is saying... ultimately her message is about YOU and getting into who you really are as an individual person once removed from a narcissistic abuser. It IS about moving forward and disconnecting from that dynamic, getting yourself back. Your power back. Restoring your own thoughts, heart and goals. It's the focus on you and not burning your energy into that dark abyss of negativity. Hence..... Outsmarting them. The energy is what you put into yourself, by shifting the control back to yourself, thus, defueling them. That's how you win. That is what the message is. Taking YOU back IS outsmarting them.

[@MsBrooklyn62]

Wrong! You have to outsmart them if you want them out of YOUR house! I sent mine to Colorado, then had him served with a no-contact order. I got rid of him, a court order prevents him from coming back and the clock started ticking so I could be legally separated to get a divorce. No more violence and no one had to die.

[@lindac6919]

Oh, we outsmarted the squatters who tried to live next door. There TOTALLY was a point to that.

[@mistiquefire3462]

F them

[@annettedillon7751]

Being abused is not a way of showing empathy.

[@jessicacereceres6211]

This 💯

[@jillrhodry1139]

I had compassion until I realised he knew what he was doing - charming, kind and generous to everyone else out there; cruel and evil behind closed doors - he turned it on, he turned it off - that, that is deliberate he knew what he was doing.

[@theyesowl]

This 💯

[@rosieE121]

​@@jillrhodry1139true. They know what they are doing because it works for them. Don't get sucked in.

[@allthings73hs1yf]

​@@jillrhodry1139 my mother

[@briandrake6881]

Narcissists will always tell your secrets: AND THEN AMPLIFY THEM!

[@happy123buthelezi4]

Total trash!?!?!!!

[@miaozzz4068]

I always thought so 😂 They say don’t tell anyone and keep it a secret and they trust you but they spill everything wide open with Indian spices 🫨

[@miriamhavard7621]

Or else they'll just make stuff up.

[@DawnGreen-wn4hr]

Yes! Don’t share!

[@illyria7756]

Yea, learned that early, my entire family could not be trusted in this way. If I told anything confidential, within 10 mins that person would be talking about it and me to other family members, and not in a way that sounded like they wanted to help me, more like they were gossiping about someone who they didn't care for.

[@chocdoc21]

Don't reward bad behaviour.

[@elsh332]

I felt like nothing I did worked out in my favour ever. If I didn't reward the bad behaviour, the abuse got worse until I caved. I didn't cave ever again after the first time he raised his fist to me. I got support and held my ground and let the police and DV support worker help me and hold him accountable. It's hard to get out. But once you are, never look back!

[@IsabellaPiesch]

@@elsh332 I never rewarded bad behaviour and I never will no matter what. But you are right it can become very dangerous with such people (I experienced it so I know). Stay safe everyone but don´t let you treat like a doormate or slave. You are much more worth than this. LEAVE if possible.

[@tara2112-p7z]

THIS!

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

​@@elsh332you need to meet cruel behavior with cruel behavior as they are crossing your boundaries.

[@Sheisme120]

Yes!🙌🏻🙌🏻

[@lindac6919]

Living alone is great. No one HAS to be part of a couple.

[@IsabellaPiesch]

🎯

[@Timah30]

Yes! I love being alone. No headache at ALL. 🙂

[@juliebarks3195]

You're never alone with a Cat, Dog, or Bird. 😻🐕🦜. 💕

[@EL-gu8fv]

Agreed. Society keeps people trapped in toxicity because coupled relationships are expected, and few can think outside of the box.

[@IsabellaPiesch]

@@EL-gu8fv Yeah relationships are expected but nowadays singles are accepted too. So you should never stay in a toxic relationship because it is abusive there. I can´t understand too why people can´t see that their life is in danger (I can only write: Please love yourself!).

[@richard112360]

I have zero compassion for a narcissist. The only way, in my honest opinion, to outsmart a narcissist is to ignore, ignore, ignore and have no contact with them whatsoever. We have a narcissistic brother-in-law, and I've cut him out of my life completely, no contact in six years. Unfortunately my sister is clearly trauma-bonded to him since he can do no wrong.

[@texan903]

An ex cousin I had is a hopeless narcissist. She went as far as to steal money from several relatives plus myself. This is what brought us to the point of no return because she began gaslighting and doubling down when busted. Since removing her from my life, it has been much more peaceful. No more texts, phone calls, etc., etc. When she spoke to me at a family reunion, I acknowledged her without saying her name by looking at her for three seconds and saying, "Hey there."

[@theresamark8220]

​@@texan903😂

[@aude2sapere]

@texas903 Bless her heart 😆

[@amc5936]

i swear my mom is. i refrain from to mch contact. not that i care now as a result she shows up with out calling, or tells me i only care about myself. yup me first for a change so fucking what!? god forbid right?

[@amc5936]

@@texan903 yup i refuse to be around my sister and refraim from talking to my mom. mom gotten worse.

[@Retired-jr3qs]

Just walk away

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

As FAST as you can!!!!

[@NIKKISNOODLE]

If I could have only one dream come true, that would be it.

[@andyanderson6522]

I can’t

[@Retired-jr3qs]

@@andyanderson6522 of course you can. It's your life. Own it.

[@Retired-jr3qs]

@@NIKKISNOODLE find the courage.

[@vedikaraj623]

Don't engage with them, you engaging with them is their reward .IGNORE them, save ypurself.

[@elizabethsheffield6609]

.......PRECISELY.......it's the fuel they are searching for. IGNORE.

[@Milestonemonger]

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb 💡? None. They gas light 🔥

[@lindac6919]

That's a WICKed reply!

[@ethericfield9]

Hahahaha

[@ChipJam]

Ba Dum Bump…😂

[@mrvapor4791]

Nice try Narcy

[@hs-qk9qf]

😂

[@laurelletieman4943]

Like the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," "Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Just drop off the key, Lee. And get yourself free!"

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

🎉❤🎉❤the gambler lol devil went down to Georgia

[@annbolton5626]

Music 🎶🎵 to my ears! I grew up listening to these songs 😁. More importantly I grew up and out of narcissist relationships! 🎉 🕯️ 🌞

[@maryk4588]

Don’t have to discuss much - just get on the bus Gus & SET YOURSELF FREE!

[@PlumGustave]

😂👌🏼

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

So funny after being upset for a while. It's good to laugh still.

[@kathleenherron594]

It’s very, very difficult when this is a parent.

[@tracycampbell3060]

❤ yes. 6 years no contact and I'm finally getting my life back. My peace and joy.

[@lambchop6278]

Try: a parent, an older sibling, and two cousins (who, although not immediate family, are so very aggressive that they intrude in your life as if they were).

[@jelizabethpetrie6656]

Mine is 95 yo helicopter (swear she invented the word) mother and I’m the only child (daughter) who tells me I have memory problems after she asks me a half hour after taking her pills, did she take them. That’s just one daily example. I finally get triggered so much I recognize heart palpitations so I just silently leave while she’s still yammering away.

[@KINDaf]

​@jelizabethpetrie6656 may I ask, is there dementia involved or are you describing a narcissistic trait of hers? Honest question. I do not know the situation. It could just be both and if so, might I suggest getting her somewhere that can cater to her needs? You need a break

[@elsh332]

It's not that hard when you realise that the choice is "them or me" because that's how they made it. I choose me whenever someone puts me in that situation now. I'd choose "us" but there is no "us" with a narcissist. You or them. Simple.

[@AnnaMartins-dt5we]

A relationship with a narcissist is exactly like a podcast!! Agree 100%!! They never stop talking they love to listen to themselves because… guess what? They’re always right … when you finally agree with them… they change their version of events!! It’s absolutely insane!! These people are demons!!

[@reesedaniel5835]

My narc husband calls me every day when he gets off work and keeps me on the phone for the entire 40 minute drive home, just yammering away about nothing or saying the same things over and over every single day. If I try to talk I have to interrupt him and he becomes irritated at me for trying to speak. He has anger issues and takes it out on me. Also I have grown to hate the mere sound of his voice, it grates on my nerves intensely. He projects his own faults onto me and refuses to take accountability. He never apologizes for hurting my feelings. Even on the "good" days when he's being nice he still has nothing of importance to talk about. Just surface level inanities and trivialities. We have been married 26 years and have nothing in common. But I had a narc family of origen and went no contact years ago, parents died since then and Golden Child brother got my part of the inheritance. I have no family, no support haven't worked at a job since 1999 just this narc A hole to depend on. And he loves to remind me that "I need him"......I've noticed that the more I lost family support systems, starting with my loving and good paternal grandparents, then later on my narc family of origin, he has gotton gradually more controlling and abusive. Plus he's gained some weight and dresses plainly not caring at all about his appearance, balding, double chin, if I say a shirt doesn't flatter him much, he will wear that shirt constantly. I despise him more with every passing week and I absolutely DREAD sex with him. I have to literally force myself to pretend to "enjoy" it just so I can have a little peace, if I don't the abuse and stonewalling ramps way up. But even when I do he's immature and disrespectful the next day. He flips between acting silly and childish as though I find it amusing (I don't but am forced to go along with it) or he is a know it all, controlling and subtly nasty to me. It just keeps getting worse and the "episodes" used to be once every 5 or 6 months, now it's every other day. He is a Jekyl/Hyde narc. Jekyl version is like Jim Carrey or the 3 stooges type of mean silliness and Hyde is like Julia Robert's abusive husband in the movie Sleeping with the Enemy. My anger is beginning to boil over at this treatment.

[@JB777z]

@@reesedaniel5835sounds like a living nightmare! I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope you can find a way out dear. Can you make a plan with your safety in mind? This is no way to live..

[@emanne7470]

DEMONS

[@JNChannel95]

You got that almost right. They are not demons, but they have demons. There is one way they could get free from it and that's through deliverance in Jesus name. But then they would have to give their life entirely to Jesus after that or else the demon will just return and they end up worse than before.

[@ellagoldie9686]

Agree 💯 ​@@JNChannel95

[@phylvalen9991]

It doesn't matter what you do, you can give everything, be silent, don't react, give more, set boundaries...it's a life not worth living and will eventually destroy you physically emotionally and spiritually the only way to live a meaningful life is to leave for good.

[@yvettebenito7142]

😢😢😢

[@JB777z]

I hope you were able to get out.

[@drebugsita]

described my life with my family.

[@pacoslerma]

and get them out of your mind, don´t ruminate on thoughts.

[@childoftheking2214]

After 31 years married to a narcissist I left 11 years ago. I have 2 adult children one a narcissist. My normal one, my best friend, died a few weeks ago. I am disconnected from the other. I have been disabled with ME/CFS for 27 years which has left me homebound and isolated. Only God can help me get through this. I feel it is too late for me now. My message to anyone in the proximity of a narcissist…run..don’t wait…don’t hope it will change.

[@scuttletheship656]

I am so very sorry for your loss. God bless you❤

[@Mathystarr]

Your message is absolutely correct. May you surround yourself in gentleness. Nature, passionate hobbies and may happiness become more and more prevalent in your life.

[@paul2019monte]

Being severely ill with ME/CFS also makes us so vulnerable to the tactics of a narcissist. Be careful regarding your adult narcissistic child. Possibly go no contact. He will show no mercy. Sometimes being isolated is not the worst thing.

[@Kali-oc1qt]

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤🙏you can heal from ME/CFS it's caused from narcissistic abuse.

[@paul2019monte]

@@Kali-oc1qt Personally I feel it is more of a comorbidity. I do think narcissists sense the vulnerability and target the ill person. Of course the abuse worsens the illness. Just my opinion.

[@yoshshmenge294]

They are arrogant to the point of stupidity.

[@jomontanee]

EXACTLY!

[@lyxsm]

The narcissists game is rigged from the start. You can't win at their game, but you can choose to not lose.

[@kimparke6653]

This needs to be taught in junior high school. Narcissists are everywhere from teachers to law enforcement, Dr.s to used car salesman.

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Unfortunately, a lot of very narcissistic people are attracted to psychology.

[@SatanenPerkele]

Even priests and neighbours.

[@kimparke6653]

@@LeahIsHereNow interesting, that would explain how Jasmin Finch a therapist I took my son to blamed everything on me. Thank you for sharing that.

[@karencombs6451]

One year after isn't enough for me. I'm going on 3 years since breaking free from the narcissist. I can stay single for the rest of my life after what I have been through.

[@nike80nl]

I know what you mean. They take a piece of you, if you deal with them for years before you realize that they are Narcs. You never really recover. Especially when you have kids with a Narc. . You find a way to move on, but its more survive, than its living!

[@jessicacereceres6211]

I know what you mean

[@kaybrown9608]

I totally understand!!

[@iowamom454]

💯

[@karenwilliams5724]

Hubby just accused me of either adultery or wanting to be unfaithful. He has no idea I decided a couple of years ago that I am NEVER making an opportunity for someone to try this nonsense on me again. In a way it’s funny he just does not know me at all. He sees everything through his filter and I’m lying no matter what.

[@melbanunez2733]

Every time u wanna explain - Do Not! Every time u doubt ur self - Do Not! Every time u want to be understand is their trauma - Do Not! Everything u wonder if anything could be different - Do Not! Every time u hope things would be different with the engagement - Do Not!

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

They are complete aware and consious anout what they are doing.

[@estera6001]

Yes

[@IsabellaPiesch]

☝Exactly!

[@gemmaluescher-verseckas1243]

She tried to say she didn’t know what she did and then started again with my neighbour. I got the police involved - she steppped over multiple boundaries when I told her to just go away or I would call the police- she thought I was bluffing

[@caroldesarnoNeNe45]

Yes they do .... Dumb like a Fox

[@JNChannel95]

That is because there are demons in them causing them to act the way they do. If they would be delivered from them in Jesus name and filled with the Holy Spirit instead they would end up an entirely different person.

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

They also try to hurt you.

[@Angela-ul9si]

I’ve been in narcissistic long term relationships with 2 different men in my life and I sure would appreciate having a support system like a friend or a family. I hear a lot from videos on KZbin is that it is a necessary thing to have. I have lived a hermit life not by choice for decades now. I take walks but there is nothing around me to much to see. I say hi to passersby when I see someone but that’s about it. I have no vehicle or don’t live near any bus stops but I sure do miss sitting down and having a cup of coffee with someone with a kind and loving perspective on life and others. Well I just wanted to tell a little bit about my life and say hello to others out here on earth like myself anyways. 👋🏼 😊

[@NewDay8429]

Im like that as well. Hi there. ☕

[@aniqabano1582]

Hi

[@Daily_Bread84]

Same here. 👋 If I were in your neigborhood I'd come over with some coffe😊 😊

[@romain-3712]

Read, inspect KZbin, develop mindfulness exercices. Don't give up about yourself. You're worthy of interest and value.

[@NIKKISNOODLE]

@@Angela-ul9si omgosh Hi ! I can sooo relate. I’ve even called on Siri and asked some random question just to hear a friendly voice. I hope somehow life gets better for you. None of us deserve any of this.

[@TheKrispyfort]

IF you ever outsmart a narcissist, NEVER let anyone know it was you. Only way to make it stick.

[@jss2889]

Are you saying don't let the narcissist know you know they are a narcissist?

[@crucifire9224]

@@jss2889even friends. Move quietly.

[@laurenlilly100]

@@jss2889 Yes they will smear campaign you and people will believe that you are the crazy one

[@lambchop6278]

Absolutely. Their gynormous ego will never tolerate being publicly outdone. They're consummate losers who always need to 'win'.

[@lindac6919]

Right on. Let them wonder WHICH ONE of their enemies caught up with them.

[@nonyabeezwax8693]

They Sabotage your life

[@leehouston5436]

And they literally don’t care if they destroy their own while they’re doing it

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Not as bad as they sabotage their own.

[@lexymich3647]

I'm getting so much better at not arguing.

[@LeadingPaws]

Same. I think.

[@CapnGuitars]

Until you realise you're bottling things up and explode. I see how people do some of the things they do, out of shear frustration

[@captainjimolchs]

@@CapnGuitars Eventually, one understands that nothing is the most he can do.

[@carolannstevens5814]

I never feel safe when he is around. Going to divorce him. He is an abusive man. Charismatic, charming to others, comes home and yells at me, calls me names, interrupts, lies, gaslights. I just started listening to you recently. Thank you for helping me know that I am not crazy!

[@barbarahague6843]

Dear One. Do not say what you are going to do. Stay silent . Just find the nearest Women’s Refuge . The Police will help and tell you where to go. Be safe. Be happy. This last bit takes time. 🤗🥰🥰💓💓

[@Inbosniachanell-no2en]

Same, but dont know how to move on in my situation

[@shereeholland172]

Don;t make excuses for poor behavior.

[@teresajsherrick5099]

No Contact... the best choice I've every made... and one of the most painful.

[@hopefulfilled9519]

Yep! They hate it

[@Kiara471]

Very sad children being stuck with narcissistic parents

[@DouglasPark-rx2bn]

As a 50 something man, I can confirm this

[@Cybergirl388]

Child of 2 narcissists beating’s were severe and everything was my fault including there drinking habits

[@sarahgordon6474]

I can confirm this.

[@fulopattila122]

@@Cybergirl388 "Daddy drinks because you cry"

[@sherialli7438]

It's very sad living with narcissistic adult children

[@KAT-dg6el]

I lost a job because I refused to engage. The narcissist ran around spreading lies acting the victim saying I was being mean when I wasn’t even around her.

[@Sezfluffy]

I've had this too but don't look back x you're free

[@bootsrmade4walkin664]

If you don't engage, they will punish you, threaten you, and make you face consequences. So what do you do in the case when your life is in danger and you are in constant fear of leaving? 😮

[@mstorwall]

Been there too...

[@mariavalverdeboutilier7370]

Me too

[@GoWithDaFlowMo]

I did the whole one year no dating/sex/etc and I can tell you it was the most healing and libirating thing ever... I've never felt more happy and me than I did after it and still do now a few years further... Best advice ever!! ❤

[@PassionateFlower]

I'm starting my year of no dating/no sex for a year journey! Looking forward to peace and serenity and forming my support tribe!❤

[@lindac6919]

Living alone is great. I did it for a long time. I'm also sort of security - obsessed. Kitchen gadgets, sewing gadgets, security gadgets!

[@LeahIsHereNow]

I’ve been doing it for so long, I’m honestly wondering if I’ll ever want a relationship again. It’s so nice to be able to watch what you want, eat what you want and not argue but I was never in the right kind of relationship so I don’t know what it’s like to be in a healthy, loving, kind, supportive relationship. That’s a lot sadder now that I typed it out.

[@lindac6919]

And it's sad that so many of us have never seen or been in a good relationship...so how could we know a good one, when we do see it?

[@sandyberger-r9j]

The problem was that we seemed to have the same values: honesty, loyalty, hard-working.. he praised these qualities in me and it took me two decades before I realized that while he praises those values, he doesn’t mean to stick to them himself.

[@freeorbit1618]

" You don't show compassion by letting yourself be abused "- Dr. Ramani Exactly, thank you🙏 It is hard to do. For example, it is difficult for children to stand for themselves. The environment is commonly interpreting the truth a child is telling them as " disrespect" to the parent, especially if they have not noticed that this adult is using condescension, derogatory, and offensive language towards family, friends and strangers alike.

[@phillipwhite4741]

You don’t have to outsmart them !when you see through the mask and really see them for what they are . There already living in there own delusional type of hell , once you see how sick they are you will never see them the same way again. It’s not a game you can or need to win because you have already won , your not like them

[@userSTAR3330]

AMEN.N.AMEN..U R RIGHT ON.

[@carriemccurley-th8gn]

Well said!

[@IsabellaPiesch]

🎯

[@heatherpalaszek468]

Blessed

[@vybzmusiq7964]

good 1

[@sarahlhickman]

“I am no longer going to be an audience to this“. Fabulous.

[@libertykim6438]

I think learning about stoicism can be helpful. Just old wisdom on how to respect yourself

[@susanmercurio1060]

What you can control and what you can't

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

Took me a year to plan the great escape 🎉❤

[@yukio_saito]

I hope the plan works. 🏃‍♀💨💨

[@userSTAR3330]

🛑✝️🙏🏾😇😊🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉😂😅😊✝️

[@Kris-l3u]

Brilliant!!! dr Ramani saved my life

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

@@yukio_saito free two year s absolutely we the director and producer of our own show ♌️🙌🙏💝

[@JB777z]

@@tammyfitzgerald5336good for you! It takes a lot of courage but freedom & peace are so wonderful after living with these weirdos.

[@burchified]

I can avoid the family and random narcissistic people who pop up in my personal life but narcs in a professional setting are actual cancer.

[@ShayButterBaby]

Literally, I'm currently dealing with this and idk how to escape, I'm literally so drained

[@Sabrina-lj7ne]

Try living next to them in a mobile park.... absolutely nowhere to go. She actually sent people to my house while I was trying to sell it...I'm afraid I'm going to have to give it away in order to break free.

[@marypelliott]

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 months. I was so destroyed that I did not try another relationship for 4 and a half years.

[@Majorhavoktv]

I know how you feel...I am sorry for your trauma, they are so evil almost inhuman.

[@lingoistj1956]

I was for 3 months. Got out in time before the abuse set in. Trust your gut.

[@alisonpaulson5564]

I still haven’t after 4 1/2 years with him and we have a daughter together. We broke up 12 years ago. Still can’t date because I still have to deal with his gaslighting!

[@MeYou-vp7jb]

I've been with one for 4 months , I thought I was going crazy.

[@annking1576]

It's why I'll never remarry!

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

After years of mental abuse from a family member I've learned so much information from these videos. I don't engage very much with my family. No more arguing ir fighting. I've learned to walk away or grey rock them. Slowly I'm getting better but it took me 60 years. I love my peaceful life.

[@JoMendezWarrior]

i told the narcissist to leave my home..after 3 years living together..living with constant highs and lows, constant gaslighting and just pure torment. I then proceeded to change all my locks, change all passwords to alarm, garage etc. I blocked their emails, phone, phones of friend and family and went ZERO CONTACT..it was the only way to rid myself of chaos.

[@Gem-lo2ey]

I told my sister in law please don’t call here anymore!

[@FloridaGirl-]

It really is the only way!

[@leerobs1118]

Before I found out that my husband was a narcissist I went to a psychiatrist because I was convinced I was crazy. But he thank God said there is nothing wrong with you. Many years down the road in this toxic environment I got so sick with adrenal fatigue. And he had not a dot of sympathy, I could literally have died and he would just carry on. I always say RUN RUN RUN. I am now so disconnected to him that we hardly speak... my children do the same, he is so malignant that it takes 5 minutes and we're off emotionally. She is an amazing doctor and shots from the hip, the time to tolerate these people must come to an end.

[@gabbypage6929]

I walked away from my closest friend who was gaslighting me and even with proof she doubled down.

[@annking1576]

Me too! Over 55 years! Manipulative since 3 Rd grade. She took college psych classes & she really honed a skill at covert narcissism. I moved back to town 4+ years ago & lived with her. Now I'm ready to dump the friendship. So sad but I have to do it to keep myself mentally healthy.

[@HereForToday42]

@@annking1576 me too. It was really hard, but I blocked her on my email and phone, and got a lot of reiki and healing sessions to remove her energy from my system- she was an energy vampire

[@marniegrohs1553]

The faster you realize personality disordered people are projecting in everything they say the faster you can stop making what they say about you or anyone else they are also targeting. You know they use projection but aren’t realizing its all the time to everyone they tell you to “love” or “hate”.

[@bonnieromick9397]

Yes working on an inpatient mental ward is helping me now. Babbling narcissists and not engaging. They just keep talking while you stop putting fuel on the fire by NOT saying something back. The conversation is basically Nonsense so looking elsewhere and not speaking makes most sense. I have to say I am surprised how mentally sick some people are. It's tragic

[@bootsrmade4walkin664]

​@ArtemisSilverBow This is true. Back pedaling is safer than ignoring otherwise they might get more aggressive or even physical if ignored. And they would then work like hell to get your attention and may even put your life in danger.😮

[@reesedaniel5835]

@ArtemisSilverBow True. My narc husband does this. If I don't talk much, just "yes" or "no" or "hmm hmm" etc. he'll finally say "So your not talking to me today?" Damned it ya do, damned it ya don't. He won't stop until he ropes me in to some useless, circular debate. Even if I AGREE with him, he will then flip it and start arguing with my AGREEMENT. It's truly exhausting and causes me constant sorrow and depression.

[@miriam100ful]

having compassion for the narcissist? That is a huge misstatement Doug Why should we? Dr Ramani is so right with her advice. Plan your exit strategy with a narc carefully, they are unpredictable and sometimes dangerous. Ideally don't enter into a relationship with a narc in the first place. They are bad news, and will NEVER change.

[@margiechism]

Rat droppings trail ■ their pattern of operation in darkness; they keep the same route until you close off their entry. M

[@ladyesther]

There should be an extraction team like navy seals or something but for people who want to get out of these relationships.

[@bernadettebradley7951]

😂😆brilliant idea

[@hazelscott8885]

Hell yes!

[@Inbosniachanell-no2en]

Some kind of help and support especially for a mom with baby and no income of her own

[@anenglishlife7210]

" breathing space lets us individuate"..... brilliant

[@vanessasmith6015]

Best thing I did was walk away from a narc. 9 months of abuse. I left the narc in Nov 2023 and now on the path of healing.

[@MS-ov9sv]

She is the best speaker on Narcissism ❤

[@dolittle6781]

She’s right but the more you believe that you can’t leave the narcissist the more you really should seriously consider leaving them. But be safe. They can be very dangerous. If you can’t physically leave as in getting a divorce you still can put distance between you and him or her. Find wholesome things to do with friends colleagues family members hobbies creative projects such as painting writing poetry restoring a classic car get into drag racing (the legal kind ) sailing your yacht around the world climbing Mount Everest….And add to this the use of gray rock. Just be extremely boring to them and spend very little time around them. Have honest good fun and be happy living your best life in spite of them.

[@SherryONeill]

Excellent Suggestions !! Translation - Go Live The Life That Is In our Hearts !!

[@EARTANGEL]

If You can , always ignore them , no matter what they say ! When You see them somewhere just leave and never look at them

[@Therejectionartist]

Grey rock works even if you are occasionally forced to spend time with them due to family dynamics. One word answers, I don’t know, focus on someone else, leave their presence without explanation, challenging quickly and firmly to any mudslinging. You can show them everything about how you feel with the bare minimum use of words. Being calm and confident and in control and refusing to rise to any bait, it just befuddles them to death.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@Therejectionartist I do this grey rocking all the time with my narc husband. When he can't rope me in to his circular arguments and debates over trivial BS or get me to react to his projections and gaslighting, he will become hyper jovial/silly, humming, talking to himself with nonsensical little rhymes or other very childish annoying. smirking/gloating and extrememly irritating behavior......until I finally show my irritation and snap in some small way such as taking a deep breath and then he attacks and accuses me of being the "bad" one.

[@annking1576]

@reesedaniel5835. Get ear pods - listen to music instead of HIM! 👍

[@LeahIsHereNow]

My ex was at the gas station down the street from where I work and he doesn’t even live in this city. He lives three hours away. I didn’t even acknowledge him.

[@rubyjain5585]

Cant stop crying listening to u. U are a messenger of God for me

[@JuliaBackus]

Your topic today has spoken to me in ways my four years of research and videos has not not. The fast twist of our relationship, the dismissiveness, entitlement, gaslighting, talking negatively about EVERYONE especially those in my circle blah blah etc etc…I have been in this MESS for 40! Years but didnt realize it until five years ago. Before then, I thought it was me. If I could be prettier , be a better cook/housekeeper (he calls me his squaw), earn more money etc. but then I researched and saw that internal happiness is always out of his reach. He will never catch the brass ring and frankly I’m tired of being the cheerleader…so tired…Thank You! Lots to think about…🙏

[@GreenspudTrades]

Marriage is a tool a narcissist can use to forcefully destroy individuation and break down the victim.

[@hopefulfilled9519]

If you choose to stay. Leave

[@janewild9150]

It is so so hard when you live with them….

[@pennylynch913]

Lawyer told me: Ignore them.

[@drebugsita]

what kind of lawyer? they sound amazing. nothing worse than narcissistic "family"

[@SillyGrandma99]

It is very painful to disengage from a narcissistic son when you love him & your grandchildren. An end of life without your only child & grandchildren is depressing & painful.

[@RhymeandRamblings]

Have you heard of the book “how to have impossible conversations”? I’m currently reading it and it seems like it will be helpful.

[@SillyGrandma99]

Sometimes, there is no hope

[@MaggieThistle]

❤​@@SillyGrandma99

[@julianadebroen7944]

Dr. Ramani is amazing, I could listen to her for ever 👏👏👏👏!

[@mariamadsen7071]

Me too! Just discovered her, she is absolutely amazing! So encouraging and uplifting!

[@autumn7031]

There are very few true leaders in an industry. Dr Ramani is a pioneer in this area of psychology. She has the compassion and the knowledge to educate, help heal and refocus people. I appreciate your incredible contribution to all of us because so many people cannot even afford proper mental health support, and you are amazing and so kind to help everyone by offering your knowledge and guidance. Thank you. Great video, so well done Doug.

[@Milestonemonger]

At some point, I figured out that telling the narc, "I'll try." or "if I can" or "if I have time" when secretly I have already decided it is a definite NO, freed me from having to come up with a lie later.

[@keariewashburn4680]

I pray that i can secure a low income apartment soon. Where i can walk to the grocery store nearby and leave the awful situation im in. I am a senior ( 58) with medical conditions. ( retired poor nurse) i cannot stay where i am. I pray that i can have my own little 1 bedroom place for my own and find some part time work im able to do. I have CLL with other conditions and my current living is abusive by family. Probably bf too. I just want my own again. I have been to my doctors and they are aware. They see my health going down. Then my children and grandchildren are able to visit, there wont be a problem. Thank God they live in a better state than where i am and our love is unconditional ❤️ but the others in the family, grandparents, uncle, aunt, dont have to see them. We can enjoy each other. Thats very important to me and being ME

[@margiechism]

Mobile Van ■ some seniors design a van to live and travel; it may give the opportunity for one to enjoy life freely. M

[@susanmercurio1060]

I wish you the best

[@lyricgirl45]

Sometimes you have to work with Narcissistic people so you can’t just walk away, disengagement is good advice also stepping into your own power and your own gifts.

[@ddeuerme]

My mom used to try to insult me by telling me I’m just like my father. I started responding with “thank you!” Then she started telling me my father would have done whatever I was refusing to do. Now I tell her I’m not my father. My dad was wonderful to me. He died three years ago at 90.

[@sayresrudy2644]

not only lying versus gaslighting, but challenging versus gaslighting. EVERY NARCISSIST ACCUSES EVERYONE ELSE of gaslighting because their victim has confronted them (“destabilized their sense of things”), & they often go NC.

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Thank you Dr Ramani. This is so good. Once your out, you need detox time. Then you need to exam the crime seen of your life to not repeat it. Slowing down to resurrect who you really are from the ashes!

[@klfrantzen8745]

"Being abused is not a form of empathy" thank you.

[@paulcu130]

You can't do this if you are in a relationship with one. If they are not getting supply they will demand it. Once you stop engaging with them they will discard you. Which isn't a bad thing.

[@pinkpill5355]

I am at a point where I wish he would just discard me...

[@Hewi_G]

I can't wait until the narcissist discards me😂 meaning to just go away 😂

[@acustomer7216]

You're right. 15 yrs into marriage I gave up. I was pleasant, continued with marital expectations (such that they were cause the hubby withheld sex as a power play). I stopped giving him hurt, tears, begging to spend couple time w/ him, initiating conversation. Answer pleasantly when spoken to. Stupid me thought I'd coast until the children were grown. Next thing I knew he was having an affair & I was DONE & thrilled to be. He seemed to think it would inspire a girl fight over him. 😂😂😂

[@paulcu130]

@@pinkpill5355 My dear, if you are in a relationship with one, you need to start planning now. My biggest mistake from being in a relationship with one of these people for 25 years is, you think you know them. You think you know what they will do in ever situation. However, you only know the regulated version of them. The version that gets their necessary supply levels. The other version is very, very unstable. Once you see that version or as they say, once you see behind the mask, you will never forget it. They are capable of anything and I do mean anything. You are living with a person that isn't complete. Realize that you are not just in a very bad situation, you are in a very bad situation that is also, very very dangerous. I know this for sure. We think they are very strong, well put together people with great life skills that just are extremely difficult to get along with at times. No. That is the regulated version. That is the mask. They are very, very fragile little children that is very very dangerous when unregulated. Understand this. Your life may depend on this.

[@GOOF-AID]

​​​@@pinkpill5355Exactly. I discarded him without telling him, he won't leave me alone. Like dang I thought if he got nothing from me, that'd be it. No, the man is obsessed and sick. Edit: Manchild to be exact. My bad.

[@muniratjunaid8887]

So many nuggets of wisdom here. “You’re not going to find yourself on someone else’s time’ resonates deeply. Developing a new relationship with myself after 30+ years of abuse.

[@hopefulfilled9519]

I’m proud of you

[@Terimaakasaakinakalol]

Distance yourself from the narc and the supporters, even if the supporters are your family. Let them GOOOO

[@jam2743]

Thank you for helping me feel supported in this hell that I am living with a narcissist. I’m at my limit after 20 years

[@JB777z]

Try to get out.. you don’t deserve to live like that!

[@leslielane9483]

Exactly - don’t engage. They still try to control you/the situation/the universe. After 35 years I just learned to let his words just float over my head, tell him thank you for your opinion and then do what I wanted to do anyway. Don’t let the words touch you.

[@vv9452]

That’s so true.. “you don’t know yourself “/“you don’t even know what you want on your pizza”. I grew up with multiple narc family members that would try to tell me everything and I would not get to be myself.

[@Celimar-369infinity]

Best tactic, silent treatment. I know, I’m living with a narcissist daughter. There’s too much verbal abuse, and it’s hard to remain silent. Try to interact with them as little as possible.

[@vuyomzilikazi4229]

It must be a hard situation. With your daughter.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

"They had a rough childhood." If that's what's driving the behavior, _get_ _out_. They won't change. Go right ahead and have compassion, but don't let compassion fool you into sticking your head back into the bear trap.

[@lc4972]

That is what they claim. A rough childhood. My son gave himself a rough childhood. I had cops tell me he didn't belong in my home. He had a bedroom he wouldn't stay in. Wouldn't go to school. Etc etc etc. It's not always true that they had an awful childhood.

[@donconway-brown9795]

@@lc4972 They use that as an excuse for their behaviour . Smear campaian is all lies as reality does not fit the victimhood front they hide behind. NO PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY .

[@SuzannaLiessa]

It's not always a rough childhood, and it doesn't matter. It's just a commonly used way to excuse and justify, and to shut victims up. What I'm trying to say is that if an abuser had a rough childhood, that's not a reason to excuse, forgive, or stay. It's an indicator that a victim should get out, and as quickly as possible, because the abuser is definitely not going to change. If your son tried to excuse himself by claiming he had a rough childhood, I would say the same, because he would be refusing to take responsibility for his own actions. He won't change, either. True or false, pointing to a rough childhood as an excuse is a bad, bad sign. I'm so sorry to hear that you had that kind of struggles with your son. It's not what we signed up for.

[@jacquelinedidur7611]

This is so true. I lived it. Get out. Life is so much better and safer and more free and nurturing the soul. Don’t stay as long as I did. 8 years. Life is wonderful since I decided to get out! I live 650 miles apart now and it’s the best feeling in the world!!! Get out!!!!!

[@reesedaniel5835]

If I win the lottery. Otherwise, "getting out" would mean homelessness.

[@calmkarma1]

Living in it is so difficult. Especially when you're stuck in the home with them. This is my reality ATM Limiting conversations as you try to navigate everyday life is super messy and hard work. I struggle to hold on to pieces of myself before I can get out is so hard. 😢

[@lucianacastrillon2335]

Thanks for reminding me: having compassion means cooling off feelings and surrendering any illusion of control.

[@SherryTomlinson-mk7gm]

I can turn off my emotions. Sometimes I even go into my own little void. The narc will chill a bit but .. start poking! Freaking emotional predators!! Dr Ramani absolutely rocks, mind saver.

[@Phil-Des]

Two words: No. Contact.

[@kennethlapointesongwriter3330]

A narc doesn't care whether you have empathy or compassion for them...that's the bottom line. You're just trapping yourself if you do that. They can fake it or use it but that's all. So don't even bother. That's one of the reasons why a narc is so infuriating to a caring normal human being.

[@lhyllianamarseilles]

Gray rocking. I learned this from Dr. Ramani.

[@keithrodgers1030]

Narcissistic behaviour originates from trauma, insecurity follows, then finally it morphs into bizarre control behaviours. By that time the partner disengages and the relationship is over. Micromanaging a partner is all about control , narcissists love control and hate accountability for their actions .

[@hopefulfilled9519]

Perfectly said

[@Knuckleprod]

This womans knowledge about narcissism is mind boggeling, i recently found out my two sisters and mom are narcissists.. since 40 some years back..and i had an narcissistic girlfriend for 14 years... Feel so stupid, but hey, now i can spot a narcissist in 1,3 seconds, so i thank them all for my leassons learned, Love the growth 🙏

[@cherylmichelle3938]

IF YOU LEAVE A NARCISSIST ...NEVER EVER GO BACK!!

[@lindagrazianosouthjerseyal9912]

Omg! So true. Always got pulled in by family crisis but it is always different day, same scenario.

[@Spirit.Wanderer]

The part about “compassion for the narcissist” is a toughie for me because I feel like that compassion is part of what kept me trapped by him.

[@shainanash8518]

Excellent and informative pod cast. I am engaging in radical acceptance, work around, no arguing, no explaining, walking away, staying away claiming my own individuality and space. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.

[@diorrybak335]

Dr. Ramani, thank you for pointing to a road to peace and freedom.

[@MsBrooklyn62]

I outsmarted mine and called him out. You are smart doc but I never back down from a fight!

[@ElectromagneDikk]

So did I, cuz she had to come in. And I don't ever back down from a fight either. Stay strong sister!!!!!!!

[@Doodlefisher]

3 weeks of narcissistic research summed up in 19 minutes. Great video!

[@JasonD81]

I really wish I was educated in this 40 years ago.

[@Den-pf5wz]

Lots of wasted years hoping they would get it. Most precious commodity lost are the years and time.

[@ShazWag]

This resonates with me so much. My mum still does this to me (and I'm 60!). The day before my graduation, for example (yes, a bit late to the party) I visited my parents and wanted to go to a shopping centre to get some extra tights (I think they're called pantyhose in America). I said I'd be no longer than an hour and asked if they, my parents, wanted anything. For some reason (I'm still confused as to why), my mum angrily walked out of the room saying how "utterly selfish" I am (so that I could still hear of course), and criticised me in other, even more hurtful ways. This time, I actually went back to face her (shaking a bit, as the look in her eye could kill - no joke), saying that I heard that and asking "How am I selfish?" and "That's a hurtful thing to say." Well, my 81-year-old mum went absolutely mad, as she always does for every little thing she doesn't like about me. I then walked away and told my dad this time (for once!), not that he'd ever dare to disagree with her! My mum charged into the room shouting and stamping her foot, saying "That's a complete lie! I swear to God! I never said that. She's imagining it! There's always been something wrong with her!". This has been the norm for my mother's behaviour towards me, since I was little. She's a "weak old lady" and makes herself appear smaller and weaker, with lots of moans when she knows someone can hear, but she sure has the strength to charge at you (well, me) when she flies into a rage! My toddler tantrums at age two even meant there was "something wrong with me". I actually grew up thinking maybe there actually _is_ something wrong with me and that I was "temperamental" and "opinionated", as that's what she always told me. In fact, she'd rant and rave a lot of horrible abusive and hurtful criticism to me and also about my parenting and even about my children, and it would make her even more infuriated if I didn't respond. Sometimes I just apologised, but I had no idea what for, just so she'd stop. Eventually, when I did get angry or finally shout "Just stop!", she'd calmly step back with a smirk and judgemental look on her face, look me up and down, and say "Ooohhh ... Look at her. She's mad. There's definitely something wrong with you." I'd then walk out (my usual thing to do - just escape). And she'd stand behind me with a smile - not a kind one, calmly saying, "That's it, run away like you always do". This is just a tiny glimpse of my mother's behaviour towards me. Now I believe it's some kind of gaslighting. The last occurrence happened last March, and I've not been in contact since. I went into a horrible depression after that and had to see a psychiatrist, who told me that going back into that kind of situation is the same as self-harm, which isn't healthy. I keep wondering why she hates me so much, as I have no idea. She loves my younger brother and is the total opposite to him. He's not spoken to me for over 10 years, as he thinks, from whatever my mum tells him, that I'm a horrible person. He hardly even knows me. Sorry this is so long. Rant over.

[@athinea1975]

I've built so much resentment towards my covert narcissist partner, that I've become the narcissist 😢😢😢