How To Set Boundaries Witih Women

[@rocking1313]

Thanks for the excellent video lesson on Boundary Setting Damien. I listened to this twice in a day

[@eliasoscar3348]

Gained yourself a new subscriber! It was the video I needed not only because I wanted to set boundaries with someone who I realised I was never going to get a chance with but also more for self-respect for me as a person for my goals and valuable time. Thank you so much. As a future video, if you could cover a situation which I am in right now it would be marvellous and I guess it is present in many women and men like me as well: THE SITUATION: I was in a friendly relationship with a classmate and I started having feelings for her as not only is she attractive but also has a lovely personality but I subtly can to know through our conversations that I was not her type of guy(to me her reasons were so wrong, even just as a friend's perspective as she did not respect her own boundaries in the first place). I have been rejected before and acknowledge I cannot be everyone's type. I don't mind moving on quickly from rejection also. THE PROBLEMATIC: The problem is unlike dates which you meet online or girls you met in the park and ask for the number, I will meet her almost every day for probably the next 2 years and we have the same group of friends. I just feel disgusted to have to go out with someone who I don't want to see anymore as a friend but I also don't want to feel that I am distancing my other real friends or that they notice my behaviour is changing when in her presence. So how do I keep at least a diplomatic and platonically polite atmosphere with her, not for here but for the sake of myself and my friends? PERSONA BEHIND THE PROBLEMATIC: I am 26, and consider in all humbleness that I am more than a decent and authentically personified man and worked a lot on my physical but most importantly on my personality a lot. I went from a probably 3/10 to 8/10 in both aspect oer the past 7 years that's not based on my but also a lot of people around me amazed with the change I did in my life. So now I have to fake a semblance of friendship for the sake of my friends, teachers and possibly future projects we are going to work on. I am genuinely laughing re-reading my huge text, as I have a plan to be a KZbinr myself and I hope I did not overflow with information as it is with the goal so that you produce the best content possible. I hope you can address it for me and other people who have a similar situation. Enormous Thank you, S

[@SchoolOfAttraction]

So did you actually ask her out? And perhaps more importantly - why are you disgusted to be around a girl you like enough to date, but if she doesn't want to date you, it's disgusting to be her friend? I don't ask these questions to try to chastise you - but to get you thinking... One really important skill to learn is to be okay with rejection - but if this girl rejects you and you feel disgusted to be around her, then clearly you aren't okay with the rejection... I would never ask a girl out if she was in my friend group, and it was pretty clear she wouldnt like me, and her rejecting me would cause me to not want to hang around her any more - that would just ruin my social group.. And I think all men (and women) should value their friends more than potential dating prospets. But I may have misinterpreted your message?

[@eliasoscar3348]

​@@SchoolOfAttraction Sorry for my grammar mistakes in the previous message. just to clarify for me I am fine. The situation is actually I do not want to date her anymore or even be friends with her. I approached this recommendation as there are many people who can be like me and have this feeling that as more you spend time together as friends, the more feelings arise if you experience one on one time together or share deeper thoughts. Unlike me, some people are stuck at a point where they think the person will change their view towards you one day and see me differently. I rationalise rather quickly and move on, I know my worth. No, I did not ask her out. Most of my dating has always been online then we met face to face or girls to who I ask for their number or socials in public. So it was the first time for me to develop feelings for someone who is a friend. Why did I think of dating her? She has a very fun-loving personality which cheers you up, we both have ambitious career goals, and we spend a lot of one-to-one time together as we love working out together and enjoy eating out dancing and going around nature together. In terms of motivation, we have a family as our drive and inspiration to grow in life as some past experiences are similar to mine. The REASON I AM DISGUSTED: to continue our friendship is that during a conversation we were talking about the kind of person we would date. (it was at the moment I started to have feelings for her and I led the conversation towards that topic) She gave me reasons that are practically impossible to change, such as age, ethnicity and resident status. I am a believer that age is not equal to maturity. I have seen many 40-year-old guys act like kids and very mature 20-year-old. I am a believer that there is beauty in every race and surely someone can have taste and prefer a certain type more than the other but to be so restrictive to only one kind is uncomfortable to me. The fact that a quality criterion is someone who is guaranteed a much more privileged resident status and better starting block position than me makes me feel that my nationality is a setback. Those are reasons which hurt even as a friend to hear, as I work day in and day out to be the best person I can be towards my goals, my family, my friends, my personality, and my looks and even if I have flaws I do my best to minimize them. I will admit I took that more personally than I should have as in the moment I felt very low. (this made me feel that I would not even have a chance with her if I would ask her out to date). After this, it was pretty clear in my mind that dating would not work between us. FRIENDSHIP ISSUE AND FURTHER UNCOMFORTABLE DISGUSTED FEELING IS: Where the friendship issue arises is, their recent behaviours which are changing such as mannerism and behaviours For example on of them that we recently went out for a coffee time as a group and she mentioned stuff which was quite disturbing to me, is that she said, she used men in the past to her benefit and acknowledge her mistakes but we all do make mistakes and should be given chance to move forward. Even if it is in the past, that makes me question if I even want to be friends with someone who has those thoughts and what else we don't know. It makes you question their intention toward you even as a friend The situation is for me how do I keep being friends with someone I don't want to be friends with anymore just for the sake of the reasons I mentioned above. As more of a youtube recommendation I think is: How do I keep a semblance of a friendly relationship with someone I got rejected or I no longer appreciate which I am bound to see every day? I hope that this does not bring more confusion than clarification.

[@crystyxn]

youtube algo coming in clutch! this was actually so great to have it explained like that. I hate the idea of having to pay as a man before I even know much about her. I don't know if she sees me as a free meal ticket or what kind of expectation she has. Talking about it could make for a good conversation! thanks

[@polishpimp4233]

This boils down to inner game. People who can live by themselves and be happy (for the most part at least) will be more willing to walk away from a situation they are not cool with. If I make a date at say a cool jazz lounge or latin dance club and she tries to change the venue I simply state listen so and so I like you I would like to see you there tonight but that place is where we agreed to go to and I am a man of my word. If I see you there great I am sure we will have a good time. If you cannot come for whatever reason fair enough cheers and take care. I am not the night owl I used to be so I really relish the opportunity to go out social dancing at night. It';s too much of an opportunity cost for me to change it to a coffee date which can be done during earlier hours.

[@christopherbowers7325]

This is a great video I have a lot to work on it n this area for sure and I was just thinking about it

[@thebiggerpicture__]

Great video!

[@SchoolOfAttraction]

Thanks!

[@Chuck_N0rris]

I am still not sure what to do in my situation. She is very charming and easy going in person. But she cant plan a date no matter what. She forgets to mention all sorts of things that might come in the way. It is genuine stuff and usually the same things. If I remember to ask about it, she will tell me. But sometimes I just assume that she will tell me if she has something on her calendar. If I forget to ask, it is a coinflip if she is busy or not. So I waste a lot of time arranging a date that could easily be avoided if she just checked her calendar. It is a boundary for me but she have stomped on it several times already. I have told her over text when it happens that she has to plan better. Probably overly reactive on my end. I dont know if I can get her to understand. Maybe not. Maybe I just have to cut her out.

[@ljbanks1998]

Rings true for me

[@justindphelps]

How can you establish boundaries to someone that has already crossed those boundaries and unfortunately I didn't realize this until now so I would like to let's say restart the relationship or salvage what I can how can I approach this person and tell them look you've crossed my boundaries I don't appreciate it and I'd like to restart this relationship if that is even possible.

[@SchoolOfAttraction]

That's a big question as you can imagine, but I'd say this... Those new boundaries are best placed first in calm discussion with reasonable reprcussions stated not as a threat but as a desire to take care of your own self esteem and needs.... Otherwise you just sound angry and resentful... So you have a calm mature adult chat about what changes you are going to need - let her know that it's a non-negotiable for you.. If she says she can't give you what you need, thank her for listening and move on... Somtimes she will chagne her mind and chase you, others she won't... But either way you'll be better off for it.

[@jurrgis8214]

True as fuck

[@grify]

witih

[@jurrgis8214]

A woman from Nigeria 😅

[@simosavustaja9420]

Before dating certain types of women i thought that being on time and not flirting with other people etc were common sense. I didn't know that those things were something that you should tell to another person not to do. Anyone else got the same "problem" ?

[@jellyjams7217]

I hate the word “boundaries” why don’t we just say what the issue is by it’s own description….it’s always so broad all these people talking about “boundaries”

[@SchoolOfAttraction]

It's true, the word has become a little bit misused or overused... Or it has beome a weird kind of catch phrase by some people. What would you prefer to call it?

[@jellyjams7217]

@@SchoolOfAttraction funny cause I never even heard of the word until recently….I’d rather just discuss the individual situation and talk about the specific need or problem. I find girls using that word a lot without being specific with what the boundary actually is

[@bw5187]

I heard she shows up 20 minutes late with a weak reason. . . I'm out of there.