How to Start Living Your Own Life

[@chibiwibi]

"I"m basically my parent's redemption arc." God you have no idea how close to home that hit. 😢 I actually got the "we sacrificed so much for your" crap the other day.

[@blazehawkins2759]

Same, man. Got it last night.

[@VynTastic1]

I responded once with, well I did not ask u to make me and to be born. Well they were not happy about that but they did not knew how to react to that

[@stone_pilot]

@@VynTastic1 lucky bastard. My parents think I should be grateful for that too. I should be grateful that they decided to make me!! I’m audi soon

[@bruce7014]

My parents are even worse. They said that, and even said some religious shit that I was born because spiritually I "made" them conceive me because my spirit gave them a "signal". Fucking entitled parents.

[@transsexual_computer_faery]

a time-proven classic

[@davontaej]

This lecture really resonates with me. Im not asian, but have an enmeshed relationship with my single mother. This is exactly how it feels; like im slowly being trapped. I feel like I can't express negative emotions about it because I'm "indebted" to my mother for raising me and sacrificing her own happiness. Now its "my responsibility" to make up for it.

[@Arex0402]

As a son to a single mother with physical handicaps, I fucking feel you. And if you bring up something she does that you don’t like they bring up the shit you do and calls you disrespectful. I love my mom but that shits frustrating

[@Z00706]

It's almost a sunk cost fallacy for them. When you become independent, they could use more independence to pursue their old interests too

[@vxidwvlkxr]

RUuUuuun Forest ruuuUuUUuun

[@davontaej]

@@Arex0402 my mother also has many chronic nerve conditions & arthritis, been disabled for at least 10 years now. I can't blame her for how she feels, but shes completely in denial about mental health. There is a lot of weight on our shoulders, ya know?

[@foxycon9059]

@@davontaej my man I feel you, my mother is almost 70, had quiet dysfunctional family, arguing and fighting alot even when I was in front of them, it was way back when I was 9, still remember it now that I am 31 years old.. And now I am the breadwinner and have to take care of my mother, don't feel any affection but pity, taking care of her just out of obligation..

[@Densoro]

I felt every word of this. I'm 30. I couldn't get a job until I was 24. When I was 21, my stepdad died and my family and I became homeless. So it's not so much, 'They made sacrifices, now we have a stable life, but I want to walk away and start my own,' so much as, 'We're clinging to each other to keep from starving to death.' After 20-some years, I'm finally getting treatment for PTSD-induced seizures and memory problems. They've cost me every single job I've ever had. I'm terrified I don't even have what it takes to survive on my own, even if I _could_ get out. Like I'm stuck being a parasite with the most boring, isolated, powerless life possible.

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

my best friend developed auditory hallucinations and occasional seizures from PTSD, that shit is rough man. Definitely look into remote work if screens don't trigger your seizures. I worked from home one day per week before covid, and they moved me to full time during. I'm close enough to the place where I work that I *could* drive there if they needed me to, but a lot of my co-workers are from all over the country. there are opportunities out there, don't give up hope

[@incanthatus8182]

We have DID and dissociative seizures and managed to move out on our own 2 years ago with 39. Wishing you luck for treatment and creating a life worth living 🌸

[@SemekiIzuio]

Yeah I fall on the latter statement of we are both clinging to each other to survive.

[@the_infinity_channel]

I had simmilar story after my dad died his brother took us out from house that we all used to live and we become homless. We now live in my mom kind of apartment but is rent free until we don't buy a house and I trurly want to leave city and start and turn a new page. I know exactly whatyou have been throught and that stuff is really hard it will shape your perception, feelings and a lot of thing. From all of those trauma from my family I got PTSD , problems with deperaobalisation derealisation etc.i still belive it is possible to start over in life.

[@turtleanton6539]

Indeed.😮

[@Moose92411]

It took me a long, long time in my life to really appreciate how lucky I’ve been to have healthy, competent, supportive parents who love each other and have supported one another my whole life. I grew up thinking that was obviously the norm. I couldn’t possibly have been more wrong.

[@GlobusTheGreat]

Yeah I've always not been the most social but when I decided to talk to people I normally wouldn't, I quickly realized that my gripes with my parents that I had identified through speculative thought-looping psychoanalytical introspection were massively overblown. I'm the 1% complaining about differentiators to the .1%

[@Moose92411]

@@GlobusTheGreat isn't it just a humbling experience?

[@GlobusTheGreat]

@@Moose92411 It's made me believe I have more of a duty to understand and help others. Whether that feeling swings me too far, we'll see, but having a clearer picture of the world and my place in it is ultimately always going to be a humbling and worthwhile experience.

[@luizguilhermelencioni6708]

Me and everyone I knew had separated and non supportive parents, when I visited my new friends house it felt so weird meeting her parents, they wore so happy and funny and married for 15+ years, it was so far from my reality that I felt like I never thought that exists

[@nemplayer1776]

The problem is, I hate my parents yet they are exactly like you describe yours here. Growing up i always loved them it's just that I became too distant for too long and a bunch of other unfortunate stuff happened and now I struggle with what Dr K described in this video. It's very hard to not look at yourself as the evil person when you hate people that love you and you have to pretend you don't because they love you and they are your parents. And because of that it's hard to trust your feelings because you don't know if you're just misguided or if they are in the wrong. Usually it's the difference in the way you think about life vs them and then someone has to suffer even though no one is actually wrong - either I suffer by staying with them and pretending my whole life (probably won't happen because I don't have any more energy for it) or they suffer by me leaving them (even though they didn't do anything directly abusive or intentionally wrong). It's tough. And it's easy to say "Well, if they were good parents then you would've liked them" but the problem is that they ARE good people and they don't deserve me leaving them because they genuinely didn't do anything bad intentionally. But I'm planning on leaving soon, as soon as I figure out how to get enough money to survive on my own. Someone will have to suffer unfortunately and I'm tired of living an awful life.

[@zinka777]

Eastern European kid here :) Gulittripped by well meaning parents into finishing law and passing the bar, and after 6 years of depression, infinite sadness and feeling of non belonging, I made the transition from a good law firm into art. I've struggled a lot with the inner critic, because unlike outside pressure that you can deal with by pushing back or even rational planning, this acts more like a sickness in a way that it poisons you from the inside. And so much of it feels and presents itself like depression, so you can spend a good number of years trying to solve the wrong puzzle. I empathize with anyone going through something like this, but from my experience (33 yo F), you can't outrun yourself. Authenticity has no price and will not be negotiated with, with the ultimate price being your mental health.

[@erikarnesen6052]

That's fucking awesome, you're awesome!

[@leomann22]

Thank you for this, it's genuniely freeing to find others who have struggled with this particular bundle of issues. 'It poisons you from inside' ... that's going to stay with me as a way of describing the experience. I'm at the stage where I'm breaking out of my parental bubble and out of a long period of depression to live independently and it's proving to be a tremendously tough yet healing and empowering experience. As you said, the need inside yourself to live authentically cannot be bought off. Either you follow it or it ultimately destroys you.

[@theyfukenwmesubliminally]

Your comment is an inspiration n hope to me, thank you for sharing

[@melawieeinapfel8594]

OMG, same here! Finished law, haven't passed the bar though, after 6 years of depression and burnout I am about to make a transition to art (pottery), your message motivates me alot!

[@the_infinity_channel]

Eastern European women here also! I am making my living from art and I mean I am working as designer in most popular company in my country. No one ever believed I would get a job which I was really passionate about no single person , and this year I just got new idea I need to move to a new city and guess what 😂😂 no one still believe if that is possible for an artist. I strongly believe it is possiblle all you can imagine and I am suggesting everyone reading this to try. Try follow your inner voice, your own passion all will vome with it ❤ there would be many who will not support you even your parents . You can not choose now your parents so accept them but at least choose friend and people you are with. Best luck to all of you 😊😊

[@train_cam]

First! ... well definitely not the first person to ever start living my own life. 33 here, turning 34 on Sunday... def late to the party, but made it ! 🎈🎉🎊

[@zannyn5813]

happy early bdayy!

[@fenixphucks3331]

Good shit dude. I’m 21 and working on becoming independent myself. I also get feelings like I’m “late” compared to my peers sometimes but thinking like that is no good! We all move at our own pace I know eventually I will be fully independent if i keep working toward it

[@kiiogato]

That's awesome, congratulations!

[@irontortoise8692]

Same. Almost 30 and just starting to. Been a couple of years of counseling and some more to go but doing it!

[@MagneticMoustache]

Awesome!!

[@torchmusic27]

I literally graduated university yesterday and spent the entire last day thinking "what the hell am I gonna do now?" I don't want to continue studying, at least not for now, but it's like every notion of what I want to do with my life completely disappeared from my head while I was studying for my finals. I have a job but my worst fear is having my life once again reduced to the work-escapism-sleep cycle I used to live. The meme is real, it's insane how these videos always appear at their most relevant.

[@davidepoli8470]

Congrats for your graduation! I’m on the same page as you, minus that I graduated at the end of may and I still don’t have a job. I feel I’m wasting my time but I don’t wanna end in the same situation you explained in your comment :(

[@relaxedmochie6630]

In the future, I will be in that place and I am already having mental breakdowns in advance :-/ sadly I havent figured it out, but I wish you luck with it

[@BIZaGoten]

I graduated 10 years ago and I'm still in the same mindset. What the hell am I gonna do? What do I want to do? I don't know. I've been at the same job for 8 years now and it feels like I've wasted away a good chunk of my life. If anyone out there knows how to find a purpose, something to burn for, let me know. I need something I want so I can exert all of my energy into something.

[@erikarnesen6052]

@@BIZaGoten After 8 years of doing the same job, maybe you can point out some things you enjoy about your work? What are the things you dislike about it, what you eventually would move away from when getting a new job? Have you really looked into why you would wanna do something else, is it because of your work directly, or because of some dissatisfaction in other areas of your life? Personally, I think the "dream job" or passion project is something most people develop over time, by a steady process of figuring out what's worth doing and not. Some people are lucky enough to have that motivation and passion from the get go, either through childhood experiences or by pure accident, but for others who's not in the same boat, it's more of a cultivation of shit we like or not over time. Just some food for thought, maybe you disagree completely and that's fine, hope you figure it out.

[@BIZaGoten]

@@erikarnesen6052 I do customer support but we also have to sell things to the customers. I like helping people but I dislike selling. I believe if a customer wants anything they'll ask for it. I want to treat my customers how I want to be treated if I ever call a customer service line which means no questions about trying to get me to buy anything. Because it's a hassle to have to say no. So the customers think I'm doing a fantastic job while I have management complaining and never caring about what I do good because they only care about sales. Which I think is ass backwards. I didn't used to care too much but I had a traumatic breakup and now I'm having a hard time seeing good/fun in anything. Tack! I hope I just find 'it' eventually so I have something to "live for".

[@aries3690]

Dr K always knows exactly what type of questions I struggle with everyday as a 18yr old Indian kid. Thank you soooo much for these videos!!

[@ren.8137]

I think it was more relatable for him just because of the accent and dr.k is also indian. They kinda have a bond ya know

[@l0kk016]

As a 17yr from the other side of the world, this is a thing everywhere lol

[@PiletskayaV]

I hope you'll do great! 👍

[@justgay]

> states he's indian > @Andreas Araya Osorio: even in wealthier situations lmao

[@levylost8550]

Man same it's hard but I do what I can do

[@b-six-twelve]

My sibling and I are always trying to figure out why our inner critics are the most abusive drill sergeants ever but our mom has always been fairly vulnerable, codependent, helpless. This video explained so much.

[@anonchick4789]

"I am basically my parents' redemption arc" this guy's a legend

[@KuzuTomoki]

I love how you hit the mark with the sacrifice bit- your parents' sacrifices should not hold you in debt but they sure as hell should be honored/respected. A golden ingot right there

[@TimPortantno]

19:00 "So you should ask them" This only works if they respect your opinion, otherwise any question you ask just reinforces the "us-them" of it all, and they will look down on you even more. You need to be assetive with the information *they should be asking you* and lead by example. This way they are forced to participate instead of writing you off.

[@vtheory7531]

I was looking for a comment like this because I believe for a lot of Asian parents they have a strict authoritarian style I.e. "do as we say and don't talk back", so any questioning on the kid's part can be misinterpreted as an invitation for a fight. Wish there's some way we can get our parents to engage with civilized discussion without accusing the kid of "being disrespectful" just for asking questions

[@khongnoi1012]

@@vtheory7531 At that point I think it's blatantly abusive, and you can start fighting back once you're old enough. Make them see (through action) that you're not their property, and they risk losing you if they don't give you any respect. Make them realize that they need you more than you need them. ...as long as you have a solid plan of how to survive and grow independently, of course.

[@hufficag]

@@khongnoi1012 I was the top student and never talked back to my parents. Then when I graduated university I gave up my engineering career and went to Asia to teach English just so I can be alone and free.

[@khongnoi1012]

@@hufficag If they were, I hope they'll be less controlling towards you've proved that you have other ways to live a good life. Though, if you can, you should keep improving yourself and your self worth (skills, looks, health, connections). I know it may be exhausting, but everyone has high expectations of top students.

[@tamatotodile]

I'm 23 now and I wish I had someone like Dr. K tell me these kinds of things 5 years ago

[@Lukasek_Grubasek]

I'm just amazed how well Dr.K is able to break down these situations and bring us so much kinds of information we can learn from. I myself have some struggles with my parents and I've learned so much useful stuff from these videos.

[@Moose92411]

It’s pretty impressive how he makes other people’s situations actionable for the rest of us

[@shadow6814]

For anyone struggling with this. You need to break free. You might have a fight. They might not talk to you for a bit. But they will eventually. I had the same situation and eventually I did what I wanted to do and my parents dealt with it. I’m doing fine for my self now, live on my own and have the best relationship I ever had with my parents

[@IsraelLlerena]

I’ve been living with my parents for almost a year now. Worked remotely and barely talk to anyone because all my friends moved away by now. My parents don’t want me to leave and I’m going insane. But I do plan to move away in the incoming months because this is too much. Thanks for the comment

[@taiefmiah]

Exactly, it's not something which can be resolved in one discussion. It takes time for both you and them to "cut the umbilical cord" as doc K says

[@phafid]

19:48. Imagine being 20-25 years younger than your parents and you play a role as their therapist. That is one hell of a maturity.

[@m_1230]

I get called selfish by my asian parents for wanting to live my own life but I've set my boundaries and even if it sucks they won't cross the line. Well hopefully. I do have better than normal asian parents tho, so maybe I'm privileged in that sense.

[@m_1230]

I'll probably raise my kids not like this, because I alone must break free from this generational mindset. Well that is if I even end up having kids

[@Goldy01]

gaslighting 101, your emotions don't matter..

[@nzvplc]

@@m_1230 you might like kendrick lamars new album then, its all about breaking generational trauma

[@m_1230]

@@nzvplc oh is it? I've never heard of his music, I'll keep it in mind thanks!

[@technocraticarchification7973]

I love asking questions. I used to ask my mom questions to try and understand what she wanted from me. These questions would always end up in arguments. "Why are you questioning me instead of just doing what I say". Then on the flip side it felt like she never trusted me. Didn't trust me to make my own descisions correctly. Didn't trust me to understand her intentions. Didn't trust me in a lot of ways. She just passed away in march and now I feel like I'm finally free. Then almost immediately after that I was *actually* hit by an insane amount of internal grief. And I feel extremely guilty for being happy she was gone even for just a moment.

[@raapyna8544]

You needed some space from her while she was alive, but weren't able to get it until she was gone. It's normal. You weren't 'happy she was dead' you were happy to be alone.

[@furrosama]

Yeah, to a certain degree, everyone would want some freedom and independence. Like the other commenter said, its not like you were happy that she passed away, but rather relieved that you could live your own life now. However, it is also natural to grief over someone who has taken care of you for so long, even when it is after some time after the person is gone. Dont worry, you're not a bad person for feeling that way. I'm pretty sure you also still love your mother no matter what happened, and that says something. Dont beat yourself up ok?

[@taiefmiah]

Keep in mind, that part of that was the relationship she formed with you

[@Todiros]

I'm in a somewhat similar problem and just now have realized how much in common Eastern European culture has with Asian culture. The details might be a bit different, like in Eastern Europe parents are not generally that focused on prestigious career but they do expect you to live with them as long as possible even when you become an adult and have a successful career you're pretty much expected to share your income with your parents and take care of them. I know quite a few guys in their 30s who live with their parents even though they're married and some even have a kid. The crucifix card is strong with us too. Another thing would be parents wanting to become grandparents quite early. I'm only 27 and my girlfriend is 23. The amount of nagging about kids from both of our parents is literally insane. And it's not just the parents. Half of my classmates have children already, so it's part of the culture.

[@vanessaprincesssa]

Your comment is so correct. I am also Eastern European, and a woman at that and you won’t believe how many comments I’ve gotten from family: “You are 23 you should be having BABIES” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, I don’t want no damn babies at this age 😅😅 And I am for sure not going to listen to family about that. It’s just frustrating to hear.

[@convergeman7825]

I think you bought up some good points here. It's unfortunate that the "sit down and discuss" approach will only ever work with parents that see you as an equal. Otherwise, the scenario will likely be that they go ballistic and start screaming/throwing things before you can even get a word in, basically a more violent way of plugging their ears and pretending not to listen. I guess in this situation the best thing would be to work to shift the power dynamic without them noticing, as Dr.K already mentioned in one of his previous videos, that way they literally will have no choice but to at least hear you out before the manipulation begins.

[@TZero0096]

Can you point out in which video did Dr. K said about the power dynamic shifting?

[@Z00706]

On the topic of culture, my parents very much told me that I am "abandoning my culture" to be more independent. It was a slow process convincing them to "get their own life back" when I left for college since they'd been caring for me for so long. To be honest they could use some independence to pursue their old interests too. I think making it about them is also a good place to start the conversation if you are confident in steering the conversation

[@Z00706]

And ask them do they want you to be happy and pursue your dreams too. I doubt they'll say no

[@montegyro]

I had this problem with my sicilian-american family. Family came first. Certain choices were best in life. The push to be independent was a long painful road. I eventually earned the title "prodigal son". It ended with cutting off an entire community. It can get messy and it's not easy when you don't know what to do about it.

[@Bashbekersjiw]

Now how Is going?

[@montegyro]

@@Bashbekersjiw much better after 6 years and some therapy.

[@rcd338]

@@montegyro Congrats on living life on your own terms. Different situations call for different solutions, and from what it sounds like, you're better off now. Keep it up!

[@AN-vp1iv]

My parents are very typical South Asians, and in the past I used to question them on why they would set these kind of expectations up..I ended up being rebellious and made decisions by myself (neither of them supported me in any decision I made) and that's when they stopped having any sort of expectation, especially my dad since he thinks the field I'm going into and the major I selected were and are the wrong decisions...this video helps, and I think I'll give asking questions another try, and instead not be so confrontational with them.

[@Bendilin]

I am the middle child of four children, due to my older sisters being twins. My parents were born in the 1950s and... they just have this mindset that my ADHD and chronic back pain from two ribs being out of place and healing wrong as me not trying hard enough. Mental illness is straight up not a concern for them, and they excuse my two improperly healed ribs as me being lazy/incompetent/lying. I love my parents and family. But the ignorance my parents have exerted time and time again over the past twenty years sadly confirms that they just do not get it. They came from a time where all injuries and issues were dismissed as someone being lazy. I had to learn to not rely on them for the emotional and physical assistance I need, straight up need, because they will do nothing but dismiss it or gaslight me into thinking I am exaggerating how crippling my constant, chronic pain is. My parents are from a different time and are by design incapable of understanding or appreciating certain, modernly touched issues.

[@stefanklass6763]

Whatever you do, don’t give in and let the resentment towards your parents build up until you snap and ruin your own life just to punish them. Jeez I wish I had had this knowledge 10 years ago

[@freddy4603]

Fuck. I'm about to drop out of university on my second year and my built up resentment and fear towards others is definitely the biggest factor to my stupid actions. Looking at this comment hurts because of how much it applies.

[@wifparanoid]

holy shit i'm doing this rn

[@IAMSTRINDOM]

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha very funny and comedic i love to experience positive emotions while reading this sentences on my inter net computer screen hahahahahahahahahahahaha ahahaha im fked

[@tahasoomro8585]

haha i do that

[@derboe_thebeast6869]

tbh i do it for spite and i have nothing else to lose.. i think

[@nataliazdunek5820]

WOW!!! Sacrifice Card!!! You are a genius! Definitely I'm gonna use it on my parents! You told us that traditional family values in Asia are very different than modern western values in US or Europe, and that's why young people there are suffering much more. So hear me out: my parents want me to meet requirements from both groups (be modern but obey our rules, be educated but use it in not-educated village when everyone thinks you are freak, look for a smart friends or even some partner but they have to be just like us). I didn't know how to handle that pressure but the sacrifice card have a chance to work! BTW I'm 29 years old woman and live in small village in Poland.

[@vanessaprincesssa]

This is the video that I never knew I needed. Eastern European woman here, strict parents. Overprotective and patriarchal. But they are also good people and I love them. The advice on how to continue our relationship but set boundaries and build mutual respect is so valuable 😊

[@LaggyCannon]

Why am I feeling such an intense level of excitement to watch this video. I haven't even started watching it but I feel my heart racing and breathing get faster

[@DreamingConcepts]

have you watched it now? did you get your answer?

[@Moose92411]

You may want to see a doctor, my friend 😂

[@masticloxpoker1006]

because that is what u desire to do, to live your own life, so hard? :P

[@ren.8137]

SAAAAAME

[@SirWolfykins]

Dude you're not alone, the title alone is extremely relatable to myself as it's my biggest challenge currently. I was very excited and had put aside everything else to watch this video.

[@COLOFIDUTI]

The freedom of living your own life is often obscured by the responsabities and shit that (always ) happen when youre on own. I had leave my parents home 11 years ago and even though my relationship with them is amazing, i cant imagine living with them.Dont get me wrong i would live a life of luxury, but i feel that it wouldnt be "mine", dont know how to explain this feeling.

[@kutaraa]

Sometimes parents can give you all the best thing, doing everything for you, make your life very easy, end up making you don't want to move out. Because you have no idea how to stay alive without their help. They don't even need to ask you not to leave, you choose to stay by your own will, thats another way of manipulation I guess. And if they stop you doing anything that they think you are doing it wrong, and end up doing it for you, you will lost confidence and don't want to be on active role anymore.

[@Kaeinlya]

God that "Do what you want." made me flinch.

[@Dipset-wr6kt]

As someone living with major crippling depression due to this specific issue, this is very therapeutic. Thanks so much dude I really appreciate it.

[@Dipset-wr6kt]

I realized I could only help my parents by being independent and living my own best life. Now that I have MDD I cant even work or have a social life. hindsight 2020

[@karthikvijay5678]

Yo this hit home so hard, I’m not like the gifted child person but definitely relate to the fact that it feels my success is their success in a way and that burden to do better for them. Had issues with my family because of that. You know what, even after moving away from my parents and having my own time to grow, I still feel like I shouldn’t prioritize my own happiness because it might upset them, since it actually did at one point. Now it’s a cycle that I seriously need to break.

[@Lenci_the_Nugget]

"Redemption arc" is such a perfect way to put it

[@niclyx7970]

Personally I feel like I've an extra dimension, that at first they were very open with whatever choices I'd want to make re college etc. But then over time I kept making poor choices and ended up as someone who just sits at home all day (but with a job at least, although it's not what I'd dreamed of when younger). And now is when they start putting expectations on me, because clearly I've been fucking things up when left to my own choices, so it's time to follow theirs. And then there's the guilt and anger of not wanting to be what they want, but at the same time also guilt and anger at myself for not knowing what I want.

[@fadidabban]

I come from a Middle Eastern Palestinian family and I’m aged 42. I have always been the “perfect” son on the expense of my own choices. My father always told me that my worth as a person is based on how much money I make, since that is our role as providers. Thus always putting pressure on work and finances etc. For me personally, after getting into self development and therapy. I slowly started to realize how the statement above might not be necessarily true and that my worth isn’t based on my role as a provider. But it’s too late now, I cannot apply for a career change because I have many scars on my physical body mind and spirit I wish I can heal all those things and start fresh but it will take a lot of time and I’m not sure if it’s possible anymore Yours truly Be authentic, be brave, be yourself

[@nonviolentcommunicationpro1602]

Agree with all. Except one thing: I'm wondering whether one should feel responsible for parents emotional needs. Responsibility is taking power in relationship (so that one person can give up own responsibility/power and start expecting someone else will fulfill given need - and blame/praise when this need is fulfilled or not). So maybe in some twisted way when I decide I am responsible for my parents emotions, what I'm doing, is disempowering them emotionally (so in some way dominating them emotionally). And then using this feeling of being responsible as a hammer in making them do/fee/see things the way you want (as sort of reversal of power dynamic from your childhood). I think I prefer this approach to give everyone (not just parents) emotional freedom (to feel what they want), responsibility and power (so that if they feel bad about sth it's up to them to do sth about it).

[@Chrisguzman6075]

Nearly had a panic attack as Dr. K kept talking and came to the realization that I'm currently in a very similar situation.

[@chadowsrikatemo4494]

That post almost perfectly describes my life. I'm not an only child and i'm not asian in any way, but the way that person described their life just resonates and parallels mine.

[@alexsere3061]

29:00 i tried to do that with my mother but ended going in loops. Like literally loops, I learned talking to her was useless and now I am going on my own. I have laterly been learning that she was going through a lot and is losing a bit of her grip on reality. There can be an asperger diagnosis on the table, which says I fit the profile and my indicators pass the critical points and insist its inconculsive. If someone is in an argument with themselves then it can be really hard to convince them. If you are not getting results don't try to reason with them, actions are louder than words. You can only have a conversation with someone that is acting in good faith

[@CaldonianDude]

Oh boy, pretty much the same story if you have Irish catholic parents, but maybe not quite extreme. Very good Reddit post and video. Thanks.

[@papercliprain3222]

Man, this hit home. I had a similar situation and what I ended up doing was packing all my stuff in a bag one day after a fight and moving in w my girlfriend. It was messy, my mom and dad and my siblings and I all cried, and it was the worst day of my life. But, it had to happen. I could not get over the paralysis talked about in this video without separation. And I had to make my family realize that if they continue to treat me like this I’m just not going to talk to them anymore. It took years of rebuilding but now I have a better relationship with them than I’ve ever had, but the road here has been agonizing at times.

[@nargrexbyte1847]

I feel that friend, and i just wanna say, you are not alone. I have made the same choice! I have decided that i wil celebrate father day, mothers day abd birthdays, but i will not be emotionally available as a son bc iv never felt that. Ive always felt that i was just another investment venture of theirs that went wrong, and they somehow make me feel this way at the age of 30. It sucks but i made that choice bc even after Dr K offered many “nicer” options, inside i believe its not fair for me to have to be their emotional crutch while i get nothing.

[@leomann22]

I've been struggling to understand the demon that has been poisioning my life for more than 10 years, and I've just now after all this time come to understand the shape of the problem and have been taking steps to deal with it by becoming more independent. And then Dr. K just comes along and in 40 minutes encapsulates the malaise that has been destroying my life. *sigh* Seriously though, this is very timely, thank you so much for helping me understand this issue better.

[@waykee3]

Such lessons are scary because one has to truly only rely on oneself. Basically, in order to truly break free, one has to be responsible for their own lives truly. It’s tough because most people don’t truly or are not capable of truly taking responsibility for oneself. We usually want others to be responsible for our lives (as much as we try to deny it, subconsciously we still are), because it’s easier then to not feel bad of any mistakes. You have to know that your parents are behaving like that not on purpose because they feel they have to be responsible for you (you being their child). Irresponsible parents don’t even bother to begin with and don’t even bother with your survival. As to whether their specific methods are “correct” or “wrong” is another issue (because no one is perfect) but the intention is out of goodwill. I’m sure if one day you have children, you would get into similar situations. So the key then is to truly ask yourself, are you actually capable of taking full responsibility for your own life. If you truly can, I’m sure you wouldn’t blame your parents and in fact be grateful for them. All these behaviours stem from a poor sense of capability to be responsible for oneself. It may seem contradictory but I can say this because I believe that I have been “enlightened” to this fact already. I was in the shoes of people like this as with knowledge in different fields such as Astrology specifically, I start to be able to see the issue of why I feel like that. and so the issue is not really your parents but your weak sense of self. It’s not caused by your parents. Your parents are just the catalyst for your true nature. It’s a chicken and egg (not start or end but a simultaneous situation) theme based on one’s karma that would make one have such life situations. and so the very concept of karma is as such. The only way to break out of any hardships or problems is not to blame the problem but to see that the problems are just some form of reflection of your true nature. People who know, would know what I’m saying. That is why karma can last for very long and even multiple lifetimes because it’s not easy to comprehend such a concept. I’m saying all these because I sort of gotten “enlightened” with this truth. I am able to see through this unfairness at this very moment. I’m not just saying from a third-party POV. I feel the same issues as mentioned in this video too but I am able to see the lesson and truth of the “sufferings” now. The key out of this specific theme of issue that is talked about in this video is to first work on truly be self-responsible. Only then things would get better naturally.

[@takenfool1614]

28:30 the issue i have with this conversation is most parents will immeditaly shut you down because the question is disrespectful

[@eureka2694]

Agreed

[@fraemme9379]

I'm Italian and my mum is the same or worse, she assumes I will be here when she is older to take care of her, even if she constantly accuses me of not being able to take care of anything. I already lived and worked in several countries by myself and now I am back in Italy for a while because of some difficult events, and my parents tell me that I got used too well abroad and to be paid too much there and that I should stay here and become a teacher, as they both did, because they really don't know anything different, and that all my dreams are unrealistic.

[@neo_meraki3697]

This video really resonated with me, I'm from Mexico but I feel similar to the situation with people with Asian parents. My parents came from poor families and they had to work their way up to get out of difficult situations, so my parents want me to succeed as well, they know my talents, they have high expectations of what I can do, they often talk about business ideas and stuff, so for me is difficult to fail, I'm scared of failing, they won't let me go to parties or to travel for fun, they'll let me just if it means I'll travel to study, if I ask for money they will only lend me some if they are ok with what I'll buy. They won't tell me they're disappointed but my inner parents will..., They're not mean with me but I feel like they don't trust me...

[@Jus2xtreme4life]

ngl, the Indian parent impersonations were so accurate that it felt too real and it almost made me cry lol yay trauma

[@eureka2694]

Parents sometimes see us as property or as extensions of themselves instead of seeing us as separate human beings. We didn't ask to be born and we are as human as them. We deserve happiness. Yes gratitude is important. But sacrifice your entire life and live as a stranger to yourself to be "grateful" is just toxic. Why do parents depend on us so much for their happiness and satisfaction. Them depending on us financially. Fair. I mean old age is something. But why do they lay their dream wants plans emotional need on us. I mean come on. Let us live! Care about you, take care of you. Sure. Being your puppet and lay out my entire life and carreer in your hands, NEVER!

[@mandragonna]

I've been looking a way to move to Canada or Japan since 2018 and at the beginning I wasn't able to do that because of money, then because of covid and now my parents are hesitant about me leaving the house. Now that I have the savings to move to another country, I'm starting to feel bad about leaving them but also I've already sacrificed a lot of my youth to pleased them. I don't want to keep waiting here, I want to do my own thing and enjoy my age before I feel is too late.

[@Zades145]

This is just my random two cents but if you feel like they can take care of themselves (financially mostly), and that you're independent enough to make the move, I say go for it. Better to apologize and repair the relationship later than to regret never leaving. Obviously have some conversations, but you becoming resentful towards them will hurt them just as much as you moving out, but with none of the benefits.

[@AquaEBM]

living with your parents is like one big game of yugi-oh but with disastrous consequences in the future

[@Lamonticus]

Child: I summon "Constructive Criticism" in attack mode! And because of it's special ability, I can bypass your monsters defences and attack you directly. Now go Constructive Criticism! Attack my parents life points directly! Parents: To think we raised a second-rate duelist as our child. WE ACTIVATE OUR TRAP CARD! "WE SACRIFICED SO MUCH FOR YOU"! Child: What?! Parents: "We Sacrificed So Much For You" only activates when we're attacked directly by a monster or spell card. While this trap card is on the field, not only are the attack and defense points of all your monsters are reduced to 0, it deals damage to your life points equal to their attack points! Child: No....Impossible

[@Ultima64]

It feels like having to do an extremely complex combo to build a giant field of Synchro and XYZ monster while they can win by using banned cards like Pot of Greed and plays some brain dead Numeron deck

[@intotheunknown21]

I lived my entire life being shackled by expectations from my parents, friends, and the society at large. If I have to live the rest of my life doing that, I'd rather be dead than be bounded for the rest of my life. It's tough not knowing what freedom truly looks like.

[@framed9240]

what a great topic, kinda fits me in a differnt way. but i could still take lots from it. thanks to the ppl that share therie stories and Dr. K!

[@velvetyblack]

Dr.K'a impression of the mom made me feel suffocated. That's a testament to how accurate he is

[@notcyfhr]

I needed this I actually avoid my parents because of this the more I talk to them or are around them the worse it gets

[@jletsgoo]

21:00 21:40 the emotional play 22:30 23:30 disclaimer 25:10 u dont get priorities, u get checkboxes 26:00 do u wish ur life was different? some sacrifices werent worth it 27:06 why do u believe that? bc of someone in their social circle dont argue, let them question their own beliefs -then being slippery 31:00 culture: conflict avoidant, face saving -> give ppl an out 32:20 disclaimer: roleplay, circumstances differ 33:00 acknowledge sacrifice, then bring back gifts to parents, their friends etc, saving face, culture, how to navigate it 36:40 inner critical voice fills in the gap of parents, what they leave u to believe

[@jletsgoo]

40:00 their sacrifice should not necessitate your obedience. but their sacrifice should definitely be honoured & you can still express gratitude 41:50

[@robertmaxa6631]

I wasn't allowed to leave, now at age 51, I've accepted my lot. Just biding my time until mother kicks off. The upside is, living is cheap.

[@authaire]

Fuck, I'm only 33 but solidarity in suffering friend. I understand and am here in the same situation with you. We'll be free one day.

[@TAKprod]

I’m only at the point where you finished reading the post, but I feel like there has to be a way to let his parents know he’s going to be relieved when they pass if they keep treating him like they do.

[@tahasoomro8585]

believe me many people are relieved by their parents passing , but the life they have been leading to that point makes it mandatory for them to rack up more problems , so they never get that relief .

[@theminayang]

I love Dr.K’s acting😂😂 it’s spot on. Thanks for talking about this topic

[@wren8253]

As a South Asian, yeah. I know exactly how this guy feels.

[@ryannixon4138]

"Aint easy being Asian" good lord this is too accurate, at least for me.

[@linhgab]

Hahaha. So right! Thanks and I will apply to my parents 😆

[@julianossa3578]

around 26:00 when you were talking about how difficult it may be to have to confront your parents about how worthwhile their sacrifices for you may have been to begin with, I think it would have been interesting to mention that the parents' answer to that question is reliant on whether their child does what they had planned for them or not. I think a lot of parents do this to their children because they want it to justify their sacrifices and make them worth it when they could in fact not have been.

[@wanderingrandomer]

On the flipside, what do you do if your parents are perfectly OK with you going and doing whatever you want, giving you every freedom, but you are too dependant on others to feel safe ever leaving?

[@IceGoddessRukia]

My parents: "Live your own life! Do what you want! Get out of the house!" [doesn't teach coping skills at all] Also my parents: Why aren't any of you having kids?? Funny thing is my situation is the opposite of OP's. I'm having a hard time with independence because everything is so paralyzing.

[@Itsjettondon05]

Your parents brought you in the world without you having a choice in it. You don’t owe your parents your parents owe you. You should respect and obey your parents in the average situation but that’s all they deserve from you, they don’t deserve to own your future or your ambitions.

[@authaire]

👏👏👏

[@Monkcare]

This applies to Balkan country kids, for some reason balkan countries share a lot of asian parenting habits western european countries do not. In the balkans, nothing you do will ever be good enough for your parents, but they still heavily rely on you, they still expect you to live with them till you're 30 and take care of them when they can no longer take care of themselves, in the balkans, your mom/dad will come live with you even if you're 50 years old, because of the nature of relationship. Any house chores need to be done together the whole family, even though it'd basically be one person doing the work and the other being there holding various things, or stirring in something, etc. You got a B on an exam, X classmate got an A why cant you be like them, you get an A on the exam, Y got an A +, you werre the only one that got a B in the entire classroom, why isn't it an A, what do I care about the rest of the kdis in the class - legit actual thing that happens very very often in balkan countries. Your parents rely on you to help them with thechy stuff, but you spend too much time on the phone/pc, your parents rely on you to help them translate stuff but they always complain about you to relatives on how few things you do. There's never a silver lining or a way to escape the cycle. I've had friends that moved to the UK and their parents would move with them in the UK even though they don't know the language particularly well.

[@Newman11111]

As a 2nd generation vietnamese in Danmark. He is on point on how my dad sounds like... still have problems as a 27 year old male

[@aylahughes9185]

i understand you apply the lens of cultural relativism but it really sounds like if this is a normal parent child relationship in this culture then this culture has a dominant narcissistic paradigm. and it begs the question i commented before- how many parents that condition their kids towards higher education and provide it as much as possible- how much of that is narcissistic parenting, or parenting from trauma? A lot of the onus is on the parents, very little on the child, unfortunately without rights of passage in modern society its very hard for people to develop there own strong voice from a young age that is able to shout above the trash/ and conditioning others have put in your head.

[@desireelevesque634]

I'm just a regular American girl, but as soon as I graduated high school at 18, my mom was begging me to have kids...not to go to college (I had a scholarship for my 1st year, so I was going anyway) or get married, buy a house and THEN have kids...no, she just wanted me to drop everything and have kids with the boyfriend that I had been dating for less than a month 😂 First she offered to help me raise the baby, then she said all I had to do was have the kid and hand it over to her and she would raise it for me. Right then and there, I told her that if I EVER chose to have kids, it would be when I and my HUSBAND were ready and had a financially (and physically, mentally and emotionally) stable home to raise a family. AND that given her obsession with having a baby, I wasn't leaving my child alone with her under any circumstances and I especially wouldn't let her raise my child b/c she had done such a terrible job with me and my 3 younger siblings. She was abusive, put us in dangerous situations around drug addicted and violent boyfriends, allowed them to abuse us in EVERY way, forced us to live in poverty incl two instances of homelessness lasting several years each. Parents definitely need to learn to respect their children and their boundaries. Just b/c you gave me life, doesn't mean you own my life. I'm not an animal that can be bred for an endless supply of babies. 25 years later and I still am single and child free. My youngest sister has a 4 year old daughter, but mom made every excuse to not spend time with her when we lived the next town over and now that we moved across 9 states (last year) so she could be closer to her sister, she blames me for taking her away from her granddaughter that she showed little to no interest in visiting when we lived close. Her other 3 kids are basically no contact and I would gladly go no contact except that I'm her power of attorney b/c none of her other kids wanted to be stuck with her. Zero help from anyone incl her sister who we moved to be closer to. 🤦‍♀️🖕🤬 I ended up giving up my naval career, my ambitions, hopes, dreams etc at 25 to take care of her b/c she has severe, untreated by choice mental illnesses that lead her to make poor decisions and she was about to become voluntarily homeless. I'm now 43 and putting her in a care home b/c she now has dementia and I can't keep her safe b/c her judgment is worse than ever and she does stupid sh!t out of spite. So at 43, I'm finally able to get my life back and try to catch up on my career and relationship goals. I finally have a group of friends and can go out socially and I'm planning on going back to school for a certificate program so I can change careers. A 120 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders at least to some degree now that I'm no caring for her in home anymore.

[@bazzfromthebackground3696]

I basically don't have a life now. If I do things I like I'm a "lazy/weirdo." If I have a job I hate they spaz on me to quit. If I have a job I like, it doesn't make enough money for them. As long as I "live under their roof, they have say what I do." And I constantly "waste their time/money" but if I spend my own money I'm "selfish/irresponsible"

[@eureka2694]

No matter what you will do they will find something to say. It's not about logic, it's about control. That's why they do contradictory things. The end goal is to get to decide what you do no matter what. You need to built up moral strengh so you can stand up to them or leave if they is no way to oppose them

[@waykee3]

@@eureka2694Yes, I understand with what you say. Such lessons are scary because one has to truly only rely on oneself. Basically, in order to truly break free, one has to be responsible for their own lives truly. It’s tough because most people don’t truly or are not capable of truly taking responsibility for oneself. We usually want others to be responsible for our lives (as much as we try to deny it, subconsciously we still are), because it’s easier then to not feel bad of any mistakes. You have to know that your parents are behaving like that not on purpose because they feel they have to be responsible for you (you being their child). Irresponsible parents don’t even bother to begin with and don’t even bother with your survival. As to whether their specific methods are “correct” or “wrong” is another issue (because no one is perfect) but the intention is out of goodwill. I’m sure if one day you have children, you would get into similar situations. So the key then is to truly ask yourself, are you actually capable of taking full responsibility for your own life. If you truly can, I’m sure you wouldn’t blame your parents and in fact be grateful for them. All these behaviours stem from a poor sense of capability to be responsible for oneself. It may seem contradictory but I can say this because I believe that I have been “enlightened” to this fact already. I was in the shoes of people like this as with knowledge in different fields such as Astrology specifically, I start to be able to see the issue of why I feel like that. and so the issue is not really your parents but your weak sense of self. It’s not caused by your parents. Your parents are just the catalyst for your true nature. It’s a chicken and egg (not start or end but a simultaneous situation) theme based on one’s karma that would make one have such life situations.

[@censoredname784]

I have similar story with my Dad... Long story short, I lost my mother in young age so after that my father would always play the ''don't leave me alone'' card even though he has a life of his own. So when i got my first job in another country I literally told him 1 week before I fly and it actually worked, I got him off guard xD

[@alejrandom6592]

20:45 I just live that head wiggle lol

[@BleedingRayne]

I grew up in a Mexican American family that has this same culture too.

[@gogol151_]

insane timing with what happened few days ago... thank you very much!

[@hypno4811]

I really needed this video. Thank you, Dr. k, for your mind-reading abilities.

[@GetsBeat]

just as i was struggling with this you come out with this

[@datleokid4119]

The timing is as impeccable as ever Dr. K

[@gokiburi-chan4255]

Asking questions while not trying to argue with your parents is the toughest part of this.

[@a.k.1580]

i had no idea i needed to hear this and i never would have guessed based off the title. thank you.

[@4rtsm4rty]

I am from a white family, but this is exactly what I have always struggled with. I wish i could have watched this video 8 years ago.

[@SwiftRic]

omg this video is exactly what i need thank you!

[@blinkin7795]

this may be more common with Asian families, however i am as pasty white as it gets (half German, half Euro-mut) and this story is way too familiar. although my issues are more with my older siblings than my parents. i am the youngest of 4. the biggest difference is that my siblings have depressingly low expectations of me that they force me into while i have far higher expectations for myself.

[@furrosama]

It's hard for me, a South-east Asian person to understand that theres different cultures of parenting, and I'm especially envious of those who can openly talk about everything with their parents and can be friends, meanwhile in my culture, parents are such higher positions than us that I need to be a different person when I'm with parents than with others. All this time, I've only considered solutions for my familial conflict from western perspectives. But, after this video, I feel soo muchh relatability and hope that even though I can't be friends with my parents, I could still make them happy and myself happy with ways that are in line with my culture and beliefs - somehow. Thanks Dr. K for offering Asian insight to this problem hehe, I have a few ideas now on _giving the crucifix to them_ when needed MUAHAHAHAH

[@Nashy119]

I think a much bigger dilemma arises later when you're 30-40 and need to decide whether you should keep trying to forge a career elsewhere or should get a house and start a family near to the rest of your family for the benefits of that.

[@MrTaserface]

I relate to this entire session as if it were a one on one session between me and dr k.

[@siralpha6020]

I needed to hear this, and I didn’t even realize it until I watched t he video, thanks, I needed this

[@SuperPranx]

Parent: Me: Well, you shouldn’t have had me then. I didn’t ask to be born. Parent: (but only the first time… they adapt :P)

[@murabitojames]

Oh wow, now it's my turn to get a video that goes through something similar to I'm currently struggling with: emotionally abusive and manipulative parents who want me to be with them (and they want me to still live with them even if I get married and have kids).

[@jaymesc4436]

4:15 Don't know if you're serious, but black and in low income inner city or native in any rural reservation town IS the hardest starting point BTW for ethnicities. The ability to fuck up entire childrens lives is unparalleled and unpredictable as to how it plays out (usually in 3 generation long stretches if the family is lucky).

[@snailart14]

It can be like this in Hispanic families too, but I feel like because I'm mixed I've got the best of both collectivism and individualism in my family.

[@blood_rose_queen]

I just took the "keep quiet until you have a job and then just go away" route. I can buy my own stuff, there's nothing they could say when I simply left. But, before I became independent, I was in the position where there was nothing I could do, so I kept quite (I treated literally like a crappy job. Kept quite until I could just leave). The crucifix card didn't work cause I simply didn't leave room for it to be used. I simply disappeared all of a sudden

[@crazedking]

You know funnily enough my parents also south-asian emigrated to Germany INSTEAD of the UK, and I'm currently also studying in the UK (out of my own choice). But literally, I would always recommend someone to study in Germany if they had a chance, much better infrastructure, better opportunities, and a much more stable life- education is free as well. Admittedly it is hard to get used to Germany, but there's a reason my parents, after living in both UK and Germany, picked the latter :p

[@melawieeinapfel8594]

BUT: Social status IS A THING! People start to mistreat you when you fall into a lower class... We didn't have to fight for it, our parents had, and that is why we do not apreciate it🤔

[@Kavriel]

It's a very interesting situation because society and individuals are often in a situation of tension. What's good for the individual is often bad for the society, and the reverse is true. I think it's important to strike a balance. It's not great to lose your roots and give up on your loving parents just for your own sake, but it's not good to sacrifice yourself, your ambitions, just for your parents sake. It's not a child's role to sacrifice themselves in my opinion. So you have a tough choice that might define you. What kind of person do you want to be? It's between the hero that sacrifices for others and between the psychopath that only cares about themselves. Somewhere between these extremes is the right choice, a compromise.

[@derboe_thebeast6869]

personally dont like being called a psychopath but if thats how it will be, then so be it.

[@Kaitlyn-e4h]

With Covid and everything, it numbed my discomfort, I feel like the energy was being sucked out of my body day by day, honestly, none of the doctors can help me with my issues, I needed to seek help from some older dude who works at my community as a social worker, talking to him was surprisingly unstressful, but my lack of knowledge was appalling, I didn't realize how they couldn't live without me, all I cared about is my ego, and in what other way will I ever be successful in life, with this pandemic, my hope's faint, I think candid talking would be helpful, I don't know how I will escape from my own problem, maybe never will, at least I learned some nice things about my parents, that maybe I will never be a unicorn, but my parents will always love me.

[@GamesNShit]

Thanks once again!!! that was extremely helpful!!!

[@Laura-zc3ee]

This comment is for anyone who feels guilt or shame about living with their parents and actually being OK with it (if US culture didn’t shame it at every turn). I’m 40 now and my parents have not wanted me to move because they love to have me here. My mom has finally said she would be ok with it, but I feel like the desire is gone because I don’t care anymore what other people think. Do I have a boyfriend? No, but I’m no longer blaming it on being at home. And there are parts of me that are really grateful I get to be spending the last healthy years of their life with them. 💚

[@maiitoVA]

now what if all of these things are true about your middle-eastern parent but instead of being conflict-avoidant they're conflict-prone? And every time you try to have a conversation with them, the second it doesn't go their way they explode?

[@samsandwich211]

I imagine that this person's parents genuinely do love them quite a lot. I can't say for sure cause I don't know them, but it seems like they genuinely do want what is best for them, but the problem to me is that they don't know what is ACTUALLY best. I imagine there's probably also some feelings of fear of change. I don't know why else they would go to such lengths to convince them to stay otherwise