Can You Really Change Who You Are?

[@xepru]

talking about changing from a place of disgust rather than acceptance reminded me of one of my favorite quotes: you can't hate yourself into a version of yourself that you love

[@xepru]

and trying to run away from yourself reminded me of the phrase used in AA "wherever you go, there you are"

[@xepru]

last quote that came to mind is from ram dass "A lot of people try to counteract the ‘I am not good enough’ with ‘I am good enough.’ In other words, they take the opposite and they try to invest it. That still keeps the world at the level of polarities. The art is to go behind the polarities. So the act is to go not to the world of: ‘I am good’ to counteract ‘I am bad,’ Or ‘I am lovable’ as opposed to ‘I am unlovable.’ But go behind it to ‘I am.’ I am. I am. And ‘I am’ includes the fact that I do crappy things, and I do beautiful things. And I am."

[@linojvni2038]

@@xepru so real

[@PabloSteuer]

do you have proof?

[@xepru]

@@PabloSteuer i’m not sure what you mean

[@sori6196]

wow, this 'hibernation chamber cocoon' idea where we go to become a new human being has been ME during covid spending the last 2 years in isolation. it really has felt like i've been someplace different, and got to grow and become different. im hoping and feeling like i've changed, but when i go back outside and interact with others i suddenly feel like i'm slipping back to who i used to be and losing all the progress, and it made me ask this exact question--- is it possible to truly change who i am at the core?

[@davidzhou3967]

i think you can, but you need to realize that while you may have changed stuff while you are at home its not the same when you are outside with others as you havent been "training" this stuff with other people around. i think you need to be around people more and get used to it and then automatically the stuff you changed at home you can apply more easily

[@davidzhou3967]

its kinda like boxing if you are only doing technique and not sparring its just not realistic for a real fight, once you get hit in the face everything you learnedcan go out of the window if you are not used to it, also i think changing doesnt necessarily mean that every aspect of your life has changed. I believe you have changed... in your relationship to yourself while you are alone but keep applying it to the outside world, its not gonna be quick just like your change at home as it probably was long (you said you were in isolation for 2 years) so dont expect to be a new person in the outside world right away. im sure that if you keep going out and improve yourself one day you will look back and be surprised at your progress. i personally had really low self esteem and couldnt talk to girls without stuttering now i can talk to them normally and im "training" flierting now :D so keep up the good work

[@ephemeral1052]

same but it started in 2018 for me. and what you talk about is probably because these people still think about you as the person you were before, maybe they haven’t changed and only way they can talk to you is about old stuff

[@kiriau4672]

you have to experience events that change the way your brain chemistry works.

[@JTZMansur]

@@davidzhou3967 Kudos man, excellent example. Anything you train must eventually be "battle tested". Boxing, MMA, making a video game, playing an instrument, etc. You will have to put your skills to the test at some point and that is when you learn to make the most important adjustments. Not fail or succeed, just lessons to apply and improve.

[@Moose92411]

That “so be it” point about acceptance was exactly how I let go of the burden of shame I had been carrying for ten years after some poor choices I’ve made in the past. It was absolutely critical that I figured out how to place my focus on the things that I COULD control and the placed I COULD make a difference, before I could really develop myself and my happiness.

[@qwertyasdf4081]

Good job man 👍

[@f4rt989]

I feel this heavily, especially ashamed of how I treated others, but unfortunately I did to big of a 180, and now I’m “kind” to the point of being self sacrificial… maybe I’m trying to make up for my past? Idk but I’m struggling finding a healthy balance.

[@Emilions121]

@@f4rt989 you always have to give yourself the time to answer the question "what i want (in that situation), do i feel comfortable (doing it), etc. Thats the new goal after the 180°, dont forget about yourself in the process. Learn to say "no" maybe, and "when and how" you say it. You will remain being Kind, not only to others but with yourself. If they dont get it, are their problem. Good luck

[@GSPV33]

Really happy for you. :) Love hearing other stories of healing, freedom like this.

[@cryoshakespeare4465]

Absolutely. From meditation, I kind of view it as being mindful and compassionate towards all aspects of what is, and in doing so I've found that since I'm no longer rejecting things as parts of "myself", I start to feel like I can deliberately choose which things to do, rather than feeling like I'm fighting with some internal schism I've created by rejecting some qualities.

[@amp7980]

"you cant get over the disgust you feel towards yourself". I know, i am constantly remembering cringy things I did in highschool and I feel it every single time. But I feel that way because I've grown and have more perspective now. I am the same person but the actions I would have taken are different now.

[@tme98]

You didn't feel disgusted back then because you were a different person, thats a nice observation to make! You feel disgusted now because you've changed and you know better.

[@ziu9468]

omg we live the same life

[@LennyTheHopeless]

Man years ago, I said out loud that a sort-of-teacher "only treats me special, cause of my sister." He heard it and we had a talk about it, that makes me cringe everytime I think of it... Edit: Now that I think of it, my friend kinda set me up for that by saying he's nicer to me than to her. And he misunderstood that I thought he treated me special, when I was only using that word as a comparison to my friend. Dammit why did I only realize that now

[@pleaseenteranamelol711]

Everything i have ever done has been cringe.

[@rodion169]

@@pleaseenteranamelol711 same. sometimes i feel my very own existence is cringe

[@Jazzmaster1992]

"You're neither good nor bad, you just are" is an interesting perspective to me not just because of what it implies about myself, but what it implies about other people. i.e., that childhood bully, that ex that treated me badly, that boss I couldn't stand, etc. aren't all "bad people", they just took actions I didn't agree with and had a way of being that were incompatible with my own. The "bully" was an outgoing dude that bantered and teased, the shitty ex had her own issues to work out that had nothing to do with me, but I also wasn't exactly boyfriend of the year. The boss had a way of managing that I didn't agree with, but it didn't make them inherently bad or toxic, since other coworkers seemed perfectly fine with him. It also explains why you can be a "decent" or "good" person and there will be people in the world that don't like you, as well as why your sworn enemies have friends and loved ones themselves even if you personally find them insufferable. For what it's worth, the childhood bully grew up to be a charismatic family man and seemed like a pretty okay guy when I ran into him, the ex and I no longer hate each other's guts and actually respect one another after coming to understand what we both did wrong, and I managed to improve relations with my boss and get a promotion. There's been other people I didn't have such a happy ending with, but I don't hate their guts and wish ill on them, I just came to realize they weren't going to "change" and I had to just move on. I think that realization about ourselves as well as other people, that we aren't inherently good or bad, is itself really hard to accept; in some strange way, it's "easier" to think other yourself or somebody else is a truly awful person.

[@soranin9017]

I agree. it’s a really not judgemental way of looking at people

[@VioletEmerald]

I have long believed there are not good people vs bad people and in fact when you think of abusers and violent criminals as bad people you leave victims often more stuck confused because they often see that person's complex humanity and don't just want to write them off as an inhuman monster no matter what they have done. If you have a family member who is abusive it's a more powerful worldview to understand that they could change their behavior to not be abusive anymore with the right help, rather than to just think they're unchange-ably abusive. If you are stuck judging a person for their past and how what they've done is unforgivable, that's not helpful to anyone. I felt, on some level, like a fundamentally bad person merely for the act of feeling love and compassion for my friend who as far as anyone knows was never violent or abusive while alive until his final action at the end of it, when he murdered his wife then killed himself in a murder-suicide. Because suddenly he was a murderer, he was painted as evil, and I felt so much guilt and shame for loving an evil murderer, despite the fact that I'd felt positively towards him when he was not a bad person in anyone's eyes and then suddenly he was dead and he was a murderer all at once and feelings like caring about a person don't just turn off like that once you find out they committed murder. While i agree that murder is a line that is unforgivable to cross, i also feel it doesn't mean his entire life can be so simply summed up as "he was a bad person" because anyone who committed murder is bad. I also know feeling the way I feel in the aftermath of his action and death is not something that makes me a bad person. And my abusive, narcissistic, rage-y mom, as negatively as i felt towards her and despite needing to be No Contact with her to protect myself from her, she wasn't inherently a bad person either. She died when I was almost 30 and she lived a tragic life. She was damaged. But I wouldn't say she was a bad person or a good person. She was a person. People are people.

[@sarahg3156]

This. I also have done the same with my boss, and realized people all have hangups. Some of them are compatible with me and others aren't.

[@zekiel2574]

I really believe looking at our being and actions holistically without judgement is the way to do it. You can better distinguish what behavior is healthy for you and what sacrifices you will chose to make

[@jan-bean]

@@VioletEmeraldesss thank you!!!!! This is so true. This is why it’s often so hard for people to leave abusive partners & family members, because when they go to people and ask for advice the person seems to see their relationship in such a black and white way. They know this person is more nuanced though so they begin to distrust others judgement on the situation. What I try to explain to people is that even if someone is abusive, you still have good memories with them. Which makes it confusing, I remember my stepdad was this way and it was hard to see him clearly because sometimes he was good, and kind, and the type of guy to stop and tow someone’s car on the side of the road. And sometimes we connected, and have good memories. It’s confusing! People are very nuanced & complex. Ultimately sometimes their bad actions outweigh your ability to enjoy and trust any of the good, but at least recognizing there’s some of that good there can help people understand the confusion a victim feels. That’s what in fact makes abuse so hard to leave. It’s not that there all bad, it’s the fact that they cycle from good to suddenly bad. It’s an addictive hot and cold pattern.

[@zeheisty]

Can we all just take a moment and appreciate the design team? Everything looks so nice and smooth!

[@raphaelpio5721]

The set is calming and inviting without being distracting

[@Starpotion]

I love it so much, it's like I'm sitting right across from Dr. K and not just watching a stream online

[@TwentyEight80s]

Seriously

[@Mokooko7963578]

It’s chill

[@vivvy_0]

did he move in a new house or something?

[@the_markoman]

To quote my mom "People can always change, for better or for worse, the one thing we can't do is be who we used to be." It's a lesson in how it's foolish to obsess about the past, because that past will effect who you are now. But it's also a warning that no matter how much you improve yourself, people will be sure to remember if you've mistreated them in the past..

[@nathan-tv3st]

"As we walk the journey of self growth we start to discover things that are kind of sus" well said doc

[@tanishmaurya]

When is listened the word "Acceptance" I felt a sense of peace immediately in my body and head. I've realized that till today i am trying to defeat and fight with the monster within me. But I haven't realized that the more i am fighting with the monster inside me the more i am giving the power to him. And guess what i loose every single time. When you accept your disgust within then the actions to choose to take got separated from the ego. Accepting yourself is the very first step to begin changing your identity with your conscious actions. Thankyou so Much Dr. K for being here❤

[@jackhutcheson2915]

This is the first time Ive heard the philosophy of your self being seperate from your actions, and it is very enlightening. I think this also applies to actions taken against you. How ever much pain something has caused you, it doesnt define you, and also doesnt define the person who didnt it to you, but there is a cause and effect.

[@jernyx9139]

You should read Eckhart Tolle - The power of now. It's precisely about that

[@thomasfeatherstone8817]

I believe in not judging a person, just learn from the actions, and take actions when needed. That's how I bridge the gap, between the philosophy no person is bad, and the practicality. In theory, I do not see serial killers as bad, but would call the cops.

[@MrDeykar]

In my opinion how good or bad of a person you are is determined by your regard or disregard of the well-being of others by your decisions. A good person will always feel bad hurting others, while a bad person doesn't mind and a straight evil person would enjoy it.

[@Qaboom]

I'd extend it to regard and disregard for yourself, too, not just others. If everything is interconnected, there can be no such thing as harming only oneself. Thinking this way helped pull me out of some bad habits that I was fine with because "well, I'm only hurting myself."

[@ifluxion]

I don't even like the concept of "good" and "bad" people. It's more about how well-adapted to a society one is or not. A "good" person (definition required) could be a CEO of some famous company because he/she is still contributing to the society with the service they offer, but most CEOs tend to be disagreeable and unneurotic, meaning they tend to be cold. Of course CEOs have to be disagreeable to certain extent. They are dealing with hundreds and thousands of employees, other companies, government, etc. and as harsh as it may sound, they have to make decisions for genuine productivity that some people will not like. CEOs may certainly be hurting other people's feelings doing that, but they are functioning as a "good" or even necessary part of the society. Are they "good" or "bad"? I don't want to make that decision. Are they "adapted" to the society? I'd say, yes, in their own way.

[@Xx_Oleander_xX]

Emotions are separate from morality though. I've seen people who hurt others feel terrible when they see others hurt but I've also seen people who always do good despite not feeling a thing when those around them are in pain.

[@wesleywallace4426]

@@Xx_Oleander_xX Yeah that sounds like empathetic and sadistic as opposed to good and evil.

[@Xx_Oleander_xX]

@@wesleywallace4426 Yes it really bugs me when people get those mixed up.

[@damson9470]

i went from people pleaser and always telling people what they want to hear and always making other people feel good to ----> being dead honest about everything and with everyone while trying to make/keep myself happy and live a free life. I'm nobody's savior, only my own. their happiness is not my responsibility, i gotta keep myself happy. how i made this change was appreciating the fact i have a good heart to want to make other people always feel good (acceptance, and self love), yet realizing i was kind of manipulating people by not truely saying what i wanted to say and only telling them what they wanted to hear (reality check and acceptance); which resulted in them never really getting to know the real me. these things were very self destructive because it made me lose myself big time, and ofcourse not fair towards the people around me. this resulted in me thinking to myself; 'it's okay i used to be like that, but from now on i'm acting differently' now i think to myself every single second of the day "hm, what do i feel like doing? what do i want to say?" instead of "oh what would be best for me to do?" and "what would be best for me to say?" and whenever understandable fear pops up in these situations, i just think to myself; "yea, so?" and "i'm doing this for me" to which the latter if very empowering. i agree with his take on our actions and our beings being seperate from eachother in combination with that we're neither good nor bad. it's impossible for us to change as a person (we have always been the same, just maybe a bit less aware of our actions, why we do them and where they come from) but we can change the way we act by finding balance within and getting to know our full selves.

[@codhisattva]

Thank you for sharing this! Found you putting it into these words very applicable to my own Current situation.

[@nbonasoro]

You change who you are by changing your habits because who you are depends on how you act and how you think. Your thoughts are determined externally by your actions. You change your actions by changing your environment and putting yourself in challenging situations where the attitudes you do not like get challenged. The feedback from these situations allow you to draw new conclusions that you believe. At this point you think and act different and have successfully changed who you are as a person.

[@OGfromGst]

I feel like the idea of you just being you instead of seeing yourself as a good or bad person and that you only make a difference with the actions you do today, is a good way of overcomming guilt of having done "bad" deeds in the past in a productive way.

[@theGhostSteward]

I thought I was doing progress until the next depressive episode start and screw everything. This helps a lot. Sometimes I feel like there's no getting out from it but I will try treatment again.

[@ttred7621]

This was a good one. One of my worst problems in my life, as far as my own mental problems go, is that I’m my own worst enemy. The worst things I hear about myself aren’t from other people, they are actually from myself. Everyday I constantly shit on myself for who I am and certain actions I take, without ever noticing the positive things I do in life. And I don’t think I’m come to terms with who I am, right now currently. And the first step is to accept this. I’ve certainly done this process before, but only for substances or at other moments in my life, and not for the other aspects of my life. And I think all of us have to accept ourselves, and surely, all of us will have to do this more than one time in life. Thank Dr. K

[@gulayse9065]

honestly a similar situation i had is when i met up with someone from a few years ago (when i was in highschool) i realized the self growth i spend time on after I graduated just disappeared into thin air. It seemed like my whole personality went back 5 years ago or something I wasn’t feeling all that confident with myself and felt really discouraged after that since it seemed like all that effort was for nothing.

[@inplane9970]

I definitely feel that too sometimes. For me, I treat that as a sign of not being able to grow with that person/group of people. It's not a bad sign, just showing how your interactions with them are what they are. If they're shallow, then it will remain a shallow friendship. It stems from our way of connecting with people to the best of our abilities. If that connection with your friend is weak, then the conversations/interactions/body language will show that. I've learned that any relationship with people is a two-way street. Everyone has to put in conscious effort to grow together.

[@gulayse9065]

@@inplane9970 just saw this now and i totally agree with you. I think when you meet an old friend you resurface some of your old traits from that time but this happens mostly if i wasn't that close to them in the first place

[@sirexilon49]

There is a relevant quote I really like: "You can stop being part of a mistake, starting now"

[@CrustyDonutts]

21:00 This is so 🔥 Dr. K. I moved halfway across America, DC to Chicago, as a part of my personal growth and I was largely still unhappy in Chicago despite having a dream fine dining job because I Was Unhappy, and that had nothing to do with where I was geographically. Moving physically was only a step on a much longer and wider idea of what was required to make real progress internally. Thank you always Dr. K.

[@daasdasdasdasd-j5w]

I moved from Cali to NY thinking it would also help despite having a great job that I dreamed of in hs. It was important for me to move out so I can work on myself but the moving itself didnt do anything directly to help. It was only 8 months in NY that I started figuring stuff out properly, accepting my past, and moving on with growth and learnings

[@Cheesus-Sliced]

If you really want to integrate "good person" and "bad person" into your mindset, it's possibly more effective to ask yourself what a good person or bad person would do in the scenario you are in, and choose to do what the "good person" would do

[@ApeironSound]

I love the steady uploads, thank you so much! 🖤

[@nekonesto3125]

Ratio

[@ApeironSound]

@@nekonesto3125 ?

[@inflatednailclipper3245]

@@nekonesto3125 ?

[@FirstLast-yj1hp]

@@nekonesto3125 ?

[@shinchanthebest]

@@nekonesto3125 ?

[@henryclinton9317]

There might be an economical turmoil but there is no doubt that this is still the best time to invest.

[@wilsonjudson1650]

Best time to invest? thats funny though because in the last four months I have lost more than $47,900 in stock market which is the biggest I have loss since I ventured into stock investment.

[@henryclinton9317]

you could be right or wrong depends on your expertise, I once made such loss when i invested thinking i have gathered enough trading skills from youtube videos

[@henryclinton9317]

now its a different ball game for me because I was lucky to have met TERESA JENSEN WHITE, a financial manager and stock expert, I have made more than $165,000 in 6 weeks under her supervisions.

[@dorissteve912]

Really? people are cashing in from the stock market and frankly speaking its comforting seeing someone admit to the fact that they actually seek help from professionals. please how can i reach TERESA ?

[@henryclinton9317]

search her name on the internet to reach her

[@riimu-kun]

So funny how I find this just in the right momemt. I imagine myself to have a goal like "I want to write songs" and Id imagine myself as a person who does that with confidence and passion. And then I start to act in that way, even though my mind tells me all kinds of bs like Im not good emough. Hope that illustrates as an example. Anyway, thank you so much for this video!!

[@JTZMansur]

Right, that would be the identity (how you view yourself) fighting against your actions (how dare you do something different?! You are breaking character! Ahhh!) Happens every time I try to do something worth while (studying and drawing). Just keep doing it and your mind will have to accept it. That is my hope anyway lol.

[@birley4232]

This came at the right time. I'm actually currently in the hyperbolic time chamber :/ I moved across the country on a whim to force change and take away my comfort zone. It has both failed and succeeded simultaneously. So difficult to accept who you are when you are constantly trying to change so many things about yourself.

[@franacha]

"If I'm attracted to someone I'm not gonna ask them out because I'm a loser" Damn this hit hard, that defiende the romantic aspect of my whole life.

[@shaniamistry]

Totally understood the concept, i too am a very emotional person and sensitive to everything around me, i used to act out in irrational ways and i noticed this same pattern came down to me from my dad. Just one fine day i decided to change that behaviour and not act so emotional for everything, i thought that i was over it until i came under different circumstances that brought back the same feelings that i thought i had conquered. Just realised that i am what i am and i wouldn’t really be able to change that and just focused on my actions and soon enough things started to get easier. This video popped up and now it just strongly clarifies and confirms that i can live with my extremely sensitive side as well as keeping myself calm during situations that stress me out or hurt me. For so many years I’ve just wanted to shut off that part of me, become strong and witty and not give 2 shits about other’s opinions and care about other’s life. But i am a caring person and i can’t stop being that, surely i can change my actions and perceive people better and recognise whether they’re worth my love

[@isaacape6964]

Thank you, your comment resonated deeply with me, appreciate you posting this :) you'll get to where you want to be

[@JJnnaatt]

"Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are." - Kierkegaard

[@prointernetuser]

Dr. K, one thing I find really underrated are the guided meditations you do with your guests. I found myself following along most of the time (when your guests aren't getting distracted lmao). I don't know if it would translate well to one-way communication, but if you can release videos of guided meditations, it would be great content.

[@KillianSmiles]

For me personally, this is one of the best 'lectures' yet. Thank you so much for your actions Dr K.

[@JacobHayden911]

I've literally been introspecting with myself ALL day. This is great timing!

[@akirahikaru6743]

I recently lost my grandmother, and in the middle of my disassociation and response to grief my ex partner came up to me trying to cheer me up, when I knew I hurt them and made them uncomfortable with so much nasty stuff that I said, I felt so undeserving of that help. I recognize that I fucked up, and I gave a bad image to them and to a lot of people and I want to change, I am still not 100% here and feels like the whole world hates me and I carry this much guilt on me... wish me luck!

[@whatsnew955]

I believe you can do it! Just take your time pal!💪🏻

[@tigerheaddude]

Hey, I'm a random internet stranger, and I can never have it in myself to hate someone who's trying to improve. And I'm pretty sure A LOT of other people are the same. And I'm sure you don't have it in you to hate someone else who's trying their hardest to improve, so just look in the mirror and remember that person is you

[@WebMetlReese]

As long as you accept that guilt and try to not have that feeling again, then overall you are changing your actions to be better. I cheated on a girlfriend once. I felt so bad that I have never done that action again. Not that I haven't been tempted, but it's active thinking of previous action to improve upon that its a constant mindset as I did indeed cheat on a girlfriend, I just simply remember that guilt and would never wish someone going through the negative effect of an action I caused.

[@imxmchou1143]

The fact you knowledge what you had done, and wanting to change now is a huge improvement! Believe yourself, we all made mistakes somewhere in the past. But it's all in the past. Sometimes a letter or a real heart-to-heart talk with them can work out pretty well. Wish you good luck, and get the love you deserve and be the person you really want to be!

[@alainerookkitsunev5605]

You can't change but you can become more who you really are.

[@Sw0rd27]

Love this comment

[@eonryan8491]

9:13 - identity determination 9:58 12:17 14:06 - getting over self disgust, solution: acceptance 15:02 - how do you accept 19:00 20:17 - we view the transformation of our self separate from the rest of our lives, where is .. 22:33 - self loathing & desire to be better 23:00

[@kingrobbstark6932]

We all wear a mask, some admit and some don't !!

[@antonurusov1067]

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

[@DespairAddict]

once again, dr. k makes me realize i had the answers this entire time idk how i'm still at a low point in my life

[@jeffjgarrett269]

I wish I could upvote this video a million times. Thanks a ton, Dr. K! (and person who wrote this post...and everyone else who helps makes all of these videos happen)

[@vlodek69]

On the path of my transformation I can only look behind from time to time just to see that I had not a slightest idea what I was doing (even when I thought I had) but it took me where I am now and the positive change is undeniable. That gives me strength and confidence to move forward even with a blindfold still on.

[@theinacircleoftheancientpu492]

So my understanding, to sum up: (Edit: to clarify: When you feel disgust and similar emotions) What you actually want to change is in fact your perspectives and actions. What gets in the way, is when, beyond taking responsibility for their consequences, you also allow them to muddy your sense of agency and consider them to be (or at the very least, obsess over them being) a part of your essence.

[@motcUS]

Wow what a video. I left home 3 years ago and have been isolating myself alone in this apartment for years feeling some weird kind of shame around old friends and family and so I continue to “work” on my self so I can return without the shame. When i do reach out to family they’re always so grateful to hear from me yet i still think I’m not good enough to show face. Awesome video. This was a great watch.

[@jamesritch5245]

Your a gift!!! Im gratefull to stumble upon your channel

[@jneff6456]

"Can You Really Change Who You Are?" - Of course you can... but it takes introspection and work. Where Dr. K would separate the person and their actions (which suggest inherent value in simply being a human being... something I agree with) I differ in that I believe, at some level, you are what you do. To my mind, if you practice any behavior long enough, that behavior becomes a part of who you are. We are frequently shaped by our experiences and traumas. Trauma, in particular, often causes us to act in ways we might not want, or in manners that are less than optimal. The first step in addressing traumatic experiences is to realize and accept that the trauma exists... after all, you typically cannot address a problem you don't know about. Through addressing our trauma, we can change who we are... how we see and interact with the world around us. In this way, you are changing who you really are. I would suggest asking if we can change is the wrong question... but, rather what is in the way of our personal growth to being a better version of ourselves.

[@lianawei8711]

They say we tend to be different depending on who you are interacting with. Like if You're interacting with a child or baby you would be careful and soft with them, when You're around your peers you would like them to be impressed and shower you with praise and treat people with authority with respect. You're also different when You're on your own. So In my opinion, you change your personality and how you behave depending on who are your audience. They also say Old Friends are like a safe or diary that carries your old versions. They know who you were before and that's the information they are stocked with. Since our mind likes familiarity and habit, we often have relapses in our previous manner of speaking. Also, if you didn't practice or train yourself to change how you interact with others then I think it's understandable.

[@WebMetlReese]

But internally you are the same person. If you are nice to children but rude to your parents, then that's exactly who you are. What you are describing is something called 'the presenting self' but that is different from your 'perceived self" which is what i think you are having issue with accepting (how you think others view you) Finally you have your 'true self' - in which you have to ignore perceived self and truly look inside based on your own choices and actions in life.

[@alyrebrown8830]

Acceptance to me comes off as an acceptance of the past - that being the past is the past. We cannot change the past, but if we can accept what has been done, we can take actions now that will change the trajectory of our future. To the OP: You aren't the same person you once we're. That was version of you who had less experiences to call from and unaware of the impact of their actions. But today, you are the person who recognizes these shortcomings. And while you don't have to be proud of them, use this past self as a version to learn from and overcome

[@DrumTrimmings88]

Your separation of behavior and identity is a revelation for me. I fought against accepting the lazy and socially volatile parts of myself, because I wanted to be more active and respectful.

[@syzygy4365]

This is such a freeing concept. Thank you!

[@b166erthanexpected]

Yes you can, I did, sometimes it's necessary to change to be able to be yourself truely and to be able to know what is the most important thing for you

[@frankies.4500]

Thank you Dr. K, these videos are really helping me understand myself. I see that I should probably seek direct help in figuring out my internal struggles.

[@BIZaGoten]

I can relate to this and the last sentence he said very much. The only way I can fix myself after a breakup is to take responsibility for it to get that empowerment to be able to fix what I did wrong. People have said no to that and that both partners are responsible for the relationship failing. I agree but I also was the one who didn't put in any work when the other person did, and it feels good in a way to own that even if I regret my actions heavily. I just hope I can learn and not make the same mistakes again.

[@danofthevan]

a lot of the things Dr. K said here reminded me of some bojack horseman quotes, like when bojack asks diane if she thinks he is a good person deep down and she says "i don't believe in deep down, you just are what you do" (which sort of combines the idea of "you are" + making good or bad choices) and then also when Dr. K talks about the hibernation chamber it reminded of the scene when charlotte tells bojack that no matter where you go, there is always you, so you just take the issues etc with you to a new location. on that note, it would be interesting the hear Dr. K's opinion on bojack horseman as the show handles mental issues and personal growth so well nuanced and realistic!

[@Beev808]

Perfect timing for this to pop up. I am taking steps NOW to grow. I’ve been very dishonest with myself.

[@fieryspidervenom4653]

Dr K I just want to thank you so much; you have had a huge impact in my life and helped me start forming healthy mindsets towards life 🙏 and stop being cynical

[@river8142]

This channel legit tides me over between counselling sessions

[@andrewkelley9405]

As someone struggling with his own weight loss journey; I can confirm everything Dr. K says here.

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

You got this!

[@Birrrrra]

I'm rooting for you Andrew

[@aservant1284]

Let's do it man!!

[@starhawk1239]

I believe in you!

[@Kaltar_]

To the people who stopped to look at this comment i hope you have an amazing day and i wish you all an amazing life much love and have fun

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

Likewise : )

[@aservant1284]

Thanks! Same to you

[@WebMetlReese]

ROCK ON

[@gooball2005]

This video about the role of disgust in trying to change yourself comes at a critical time for me, thank you

[@Zawiedek]

Thanks for the really really impressive way of explaining self-acceptance in this simple, obvious, compelling way! Btw, how would a person think of her-/himself after getting over this described "self-disgust"? "I was such a bad person, but now that I have worked on myself, I am so pleased to acknowledge I have become such a good person! I am really proud and self-content now all the time about my goodness ..." This would be total egocentric self-righteous hubris, this person would be sooo disgusted by others, would be ridiculous !! :)

[@Krish-10]

24:23 - 27:24 You're experiencer, not experience; Observer and object becoming one, Flow states, Various Levels of Consciousness

[@cuptouched]

There's no such thing as a clean slate. You just have to build upon your past actions with present ones. You wouldn't want the slate to be clean anyways. That memory is important but using negative reinforcement is hardly effective compared to positive reinforcement. Take joy in whatever you're doing right, even if small. Encourage more of what you're doing right. Just be cautious of toxic positivity like Dr. K said. It can be really easy to relapse on bad habits if you feel like they don't belong to you anymore. And seek help. It's no ones responsibility to help you, but you probably don't have to do it alone. HealthyGamer is a good start :)

[@georgeindestructible]

"who am i to judge who is bad or good some sort of divine deity" then a second later "there are people out there who made a lot of bad stuff" See? Everybody has and should have a well calibrated sense of judgement, it's absolutely crucial to have one, you can't deny that you have one, and if it needs calibration, well, just do it instead of trying to deny it just so you can cope with the fact that you need to calibrate it.

[@wesleywallace4426]

Dr.K already said that beyond your true self is your ego, which is what you use to perceive the world. Dr.K never claimed to not have an ego. But he did mean in order to change yourself, knowing the ego as the defense mechanism it is and how to get around it is imperative.

[@dylanwalsh6677]

The way I understand it is that the sort of disgust and repulsion you have for yourself is actually a very negative ego/identity, which only seeks to preserve and grow itself, rather than actually improve you. When you give into that self-loathing, i.e the intense sense of "oh i need to change because I'm awful" then you're just actually giving more fuel to the disgust tree in your brain. Thus the way to actually change isn't to seek the "change" you're focusing on through the sense of your self-loathing, but is instead by accepting the things about yourself that you're trying to get away from and simultaneously choose to act out the things that identity clashes with. I.e, "I"m a loser who can't get girls, I'm going to ask for that girls number anyways" or "I"m a bad person I'm gonna try to do a good thing" or "I always fail tests but I'm gonna try anyways".

[@Gabster1990]

It takes work to change who you are. You can build new habits, you just gotta be consistent.

[@BasedChadman]

The key point with an alcoholic wanting to change is that they do feel shame and disgust. That's their entire motivation to change. The acceptance happens when they decide to attend. Without any motivation to change, people will inevitably stagnate. I can't understand how ridding yourself of the desire to change promotes change.

[@nicholasjh1]

I know I can fundamentally change how I feel and act but not with cognitive therapy very well. Deep change comes from emotional therapy for me

[@AnBCinemas]

This video and explanation is a great help to a similar existential question I have been trying to help myself answer and understand as a way to grow. I think this explanation in particular is a great, great help in that. Thanks, Dr. K!

[@0mnis14sh]

That first question is huge (what makes a good person). Critically analyzing self talk is a great way out of a spiral.

[@IlmarKiisk]

1) I'd say it's more the intent behind your actions that determine who you are. Lets say you want to do good things, but are terrible at them, then you are a good person who is simply incompetent. 2) With the disgust part. It's not the disgust/disgusting part that wants to change. It's the other part witch is in conflict with it. But the disgust isn't coming from disgust itself. Disgust is a description of something. One or a set of things. So the right approach here should be analysing yourself and ind those things that do cause it. And change them. Find the well-functioning alternatives. And also, with proper self-analyse, you can also find parts that you were falsely accusing of being disgusting. If some self-criticism doesn't really have basis, it's false understanding you had. One of the things he felt disgust for was that he treated women poorly. And there in that specific case your suggestion works best. Just not in every case.

[@ch4t0nn]

This is the kind of video you need to watch multiple times in your life to remember all of this.

[@BLADER5211]

Fr. The things that are talked in this video are gold. This is the nth time I'm watching it to keep reminding myself

[@heintz1983]

Thank you! I learned a lot about myself here and I now have the opportunity to change my actions about myself. Thank you!

[@CommissionerLofi]

This really changed my outlook.

[@screwhalunderhill885]

This video is changing my life, wow.

[@izzielazickas]

This is so relatable.

[@peterrosqvist2480]

4:50 There's a true self and a false self and people are neither good nor bad. Humans all fundamentally have intrinsic value. The true self cannot be truly described. Ego can assign us to be good or bad, but the humanness within you is generally neutral and positive

[@CBLEGIT]

Legit thank you dr.k for all these videos. I genuinely enjoy learning from your videos.

[@bunsenn5064]

No matter how much I change, I always find little mannerisms and weakness that never change. Those bits of me always feel so frustrating because I just wish I could change them.

[@急眼的海老]

I am so touched by this presentation. Thank you so much Sir!

[@Stryfe52]

These are the most helpful videos that I’ve watched in some time now. Thank you

[@adamc5914]

"You are the experiencer, not the experience." - and ego is not that experiencer; ego is being witnessed by the experiencer. There is inherently some ego in the form "you/me/I". When I think a thought, the experiencer witnesses that thought. It is who "we" really are, yet as soon as we try to attach that identifier to it, it slips through our fingers, because ego is form, and the experiencer is formlessness itself. How does that relate to the topic of the video? I guess if who we truly are is that formless experiencer, then all the judgement thought forms like "I am a good/bad person" are just baggage we are willfully dragging around that we could just let go of. It has nothing to do with the current moment that is being experienced. The ego ("I") should be more like the experiencer - it doesn't judge, it just experiences.

[@TinkerToneworks]

Very insightful.

[@gigajerk6953]

Sometimes I think you have to realise that the problem isnt you as a person, you don't have to change who you are, but RATHER, the person you are whom you dislike so much might actually just have become that way because of negative outside influences. If you're around bad people, if you surround yourself with negativity, if you make bad life decisions, that might cause you to do bad things and have bad thoughts.

[@Moose92411]

Oh yes, absolutely! It’s really impossible to successfully undertake a weight loss journey without looking in the mirror, saying, “I am fat. So be it. Today, I will make different choices.” Great comment!

[@a.o.skurtt]

I hope everyone here can get closer to where they want to be. Im a lot better than I once was, but I still feel so much shame, its very heavy. good luck

[@maxxbenavente]

After watching this video Dr K made me realize that being a "Good" or "Bad" person is a very simplistic way of looking at people, because people are not just black and white, there are always grays.

[@curtisshort3038]

In my experience some of my worst actions came when I was in a bad place and was convinced I was innately a bad person. So why try to be anything else? Good talk on how to ground away from that thinking

[@rodion169]

I think this "hibernation chamber cocoon" thing comes from the general idea that first impressions tell you almost everything about someone and are very hard to change (I don't know if this is true or not, someone should ask dr.k about this) so by isolating yourself and "changing" who you are you can essential give everyone a new first impression and they will notice how much you have changed right away. A fresh start of sorts

[@sanjivinsmoke6703]

C Wilson Meloncelli's channel talks about flow and how to focus on it. Whatever pain something has caused you, it does not define you, nor does it define the person who has done it to you. This is the first time I've heard the philosophy of your self being distinct from your actions.

[@caosed4991]

AHHH! wheres the chat?!?! It was the perfect distraction that would keep me on the topic while still letting me be distracted. Please bring the chat back, I love watching Dr. K 's content and chat was a great tool that I could use to help me stay focused on the video.

[@bengozzy408]

Acceptance can also be called "integration of the shadow" ~ Carl Jung

[@RVMTube]

Artist can attest to the idea of becoming one with the game... in acting it is so obvious and palpable, even perception of time gets distorted during an awesome rehearsal or performance. Another level to it is when the opposite actors also synch and you are high together living in a real moment outside reality and the audience gets sucked in and stop being in a theatre and become observers of a tangible private moment. You can feel the connection to every person in the theatre and you can guide and manipulate their experience. These are moments of truly being alive, like when you are hyper aware when you are in danger, or on the edge of it, but you are utterly in control, because you trust the preparation, but also trust in the fact that you are not in control and that awareness hands you back the power of control.

[@Haru-ch2zl]

"When you think "I wanna change", that's where your starting line is! When you decide to lift your head and walk again, who has the right to stop you for any reason?!"

[@delsings]

"So be it. And do better, today." Powerful stuff 👍💜

[@vilius2295]

most of you, what tou need to do - stop overthinking everything. Just live...

[@alexandertk.1282]

As insightful as ever. Many thanks for uploading this section of the stream on YT. 👍

[@nerdkartoffl9019]

I had a real meltdown over "How to define a good/bad person?" where i couldn't think straight for like one week. My definition of a good person is "does only invoke positive things in others. Treat them better than you would like to be treated". Impossible to achive... But this is where my mental illness is stuck. It costs too much energy thinking about everything every times something comes up, that i get overloaded after 1 month most of the time. (trying to start meditation as of lately. Nothing to loose if doesn't work. At least my posture get's better =D)

[@tomekd789]

There is a stunningly simple - but also counterintuitive - solution to the whole dillema. Namely, "you" does not exist. Elaborating a bit, "you" is constantly being created, many times per second, by interactions with the external world (or your mind's thoughts about it, which is actually the same thing, as we don't have a direct access to the external world; this is a side topic for another discussion). Unless you e.g. sleep without dreams, or undergoing a general anesthesia. Then "you" is not being produced, so it just ceases to exist. But it never exists substantially.

[@samchoate1719]

I think this is my favorite video of yours so far, and I have loved so many. Thank you for bringing balance to this topic!

[@rubenssiomusic]

As usually... a profound video! Thank you very much!

[@jamesnelav2649]

So basically to sum it up for myself. We fundamentally can’t change who we are at our core which is inherently neither good nor bad. We also can’t change how we’ve acted in the past. However we can change what we do moving forward right now. Committing bad actions or not acting the way you may have wanted in the past does not determine how you can act in future. And if we want to really change how we act in the future, we have to accept ourselves as we are. Not necessarily accepting that we are bad people, or accepting that we disgusting, weird, or whatever insecurity we may have but more accepting that we’ve made mistakes in the past. Like I accept that I’ve done things to hurt people and I’ve done things that a bad person has done and I have to take responsibility for myself but that doesn’t make me a bad person or at least it doesn’t mean I have to keep being a bad person.

[@sheepmuffles9798]

i feel like this is speaking directly to me and its a little scary. finding that balance between "not everyone is going to like me" and "maybe this part of me is harmful" is so difficult.

[@Bendilin]

@24:20 We are both the producers and the product of the environments we're in/experiences we have.

[@thaison7332]

"you cant change someone without destroying who they were"...

[@daterssynonymous4990]

Butterfly effect

[@travisireland7276]

As it turns out, some things are damn near indestructible.