How to Stop Letting Others Guilt You

A lot of us struggle with guilt. It is a complex topic and can be muddled to a lot of things like shame and remorse.
In today’s talk, I'm going to teach you the difference between guilt, shame and remorse, how we often get guilt and shame mixed up, and why this is a major problem. I'm going to teach you how to understand guilt, how to deal with guilt, how to let go of guilt, and how to stop using guilt, because the truth is, it's a sneaky form of manipulation.
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#guilt #manipulation #passiveaggressive

[@juliakristinamah]

What was one of your biggest takeaways from this talk on Guilt?

[@kimgordon3695]

Healthy Barometor YAAAS'

[@victoriastallard2596]

This is how I feel alot of the time Julia. Wow, I need to listen to this again, because I use my guilt & turn it into Shame, but then there is alot of Shame I have as well because I did some things in 2018 & the first part of 2019 that I am not Proud of, I regret & WISH NEVER HAPPENED, which I have owned, & heavily apologized for but for some reason I Can't let Go of it because that's how bad it was. But my take I got out of this video is that I need to stop letting my Guilt turn into Shame & that's why I need to listen to this video again.

[@geertjestube]

11:21

[@DougTozier]

I was a little taken aback by your use of the phrase, "...staying in line...", which felt so much like the religious mind-control in which I was raised, educated, and actually raised our children for many years before realizing that we were caught in a cycle of abuse that had damaged us and was damaging our children as well. In my mind, I think of it as brainwashing or even propaganda; Controlling behavior via threats, punishment, and intimidation. Perhaps you meant it in a different context, and I would welcome your clarification on that.

[@danielraypickrel4316]

I'll get back your question, first will be sitting with your declaration, ... you created a _______ society. This is a very pleasing thought.

[@osse1n]

If you let others to silence your enthusiasm, you are giving away the key to your wellbeing. Others opinions are words, none of your business.

[@iluvu7551]

bruh you're everywhere

[@mikioni]

👏👏👏👏 exactly

[@captaindan1000]

I just thought of a word for anyone who doesn't use guilt: genuine.

[@juliakristinamah]

and clear.

[@SharonNZebra]

I love this corner of the internet! Julia, thank you so much. I can't imagine life without your guidance now I've found you! I've even told my therapist how you've helped me when I need it. Thank you ❤💛❤💃

[@juliakristinamah]

Sharon, I'm so glad you're here and really grateful the videos have made such a difference in your life. Good for YOU for showing up for yourself and doing the work.

[@aimeejane_writings]

I’ve noticed over time that one of my friends guilt-trips me quite frequently to do things for her and constantly uses an excuse for everything. I feel trapped sometimes and like I’m treading on eggshells; I feel awful about saying anything though because she’s got a disability. It’s like whatever I do, she’s always got something which makes me feel guilty for either doing something or not doing it (depending on what it is). I really don’t know if this is her intention or not, but I end up feeling like a really bad person because I feel like I’ve done something terrible when I haven’t

[@VoilaLisa]

I find it helpful when you share examples from daily life, especially for those who have little positive experience. Thank you Julia for covering this topic!

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad it helped and that the stories help it connect better ;-)

[@melanier4985]

I recommend listening to Abraham hicks she uses words of positivity that will enlighten you and change your perspective on these people instead of using words like “narcissist people” or “guilt and shame” in the teachings she uses uplifting words that make you feel good.

[@rsnsol2490]

I love the point about using clear communication. So valuable. That practice alone will completely change the dynamics of a relationship if both people can learn to do it.

[@juliakristinamah]

Amen.

[@kelscochise4478]

Yh if only both partners are “willing” otherwise there’s always going to be one feeling guilt

[@norabrehm5125]

Here I am, 3/10/20 feeling refreshed. Having learned unhealthy behavior from Generations, thank you. Onto unlearning & becoming truly happy.

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes! GOOD for you.

[@freeasabird5239]

Thanks alot for this. From now I’m not going to let family members from guilt tripping me to be their slaves instead of focusing on my family. It’s exhausting.

[@bekindernow4341]

I appreciate your distinction in different types of guilt. Learning to recognize them (productive/destructive) and see them as a pivot point in acting true to our intended nature. Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad it connected friend.

[@chrisdigitalartist]

Thank you for sharing this. It is so helpful when you share personal examples in addition to the more text book explanation of what's going on. It really helps to connect. I come from a dysfunctional family. There are a few mistakes in my past I feel guilty of but this leads into more of needing forgiveness of myself.

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes. Time to forgive yourself my friend.

[@chrisdigitalartist]

@@juliakristinamah Thank you.🙏

[@NadaAlawadhi]

It’s honestly sad how the world is full of people who do the guilt tripping to the poor ones who are easily guilted. I was guilt tripped by a friend, it was so selfish to do that and I went on the internet looking up things to make me feel better but all I was able to find are those articles written by the bitter people who feel entitled to guilt trip someone just because they weren’t being there to talk to them 24/7.

[@katherinelydon7306]

I notice when people try to lay guilt trips on me and I call them on it. Let them feel their own guilt and own their own behavior

[@sassysandie2865]

Your husband sounds like mine! The old tricks to make him feel guilty or giving the silent treatment didn’t work. I needed to grow up and I’m still learning how to get rid of all that childhood programming. It’s not easy. Sadly, I’m sure I passed a lot of it on to my kids 😩

[@juliakristinamah]

You're doing something different now and that counts big time.

[@britanny5363ify]

I’d still love if you made a video on how to find peace during a breakup or when the ex begins dating again.

[@juliakristinamah]

Great topic! I don't typically focus my videos on dating and relationships, but I will do one on dealing with hurt, loss, or rejection - does that sound good?

[@lesliengo8347]

Saying no can be difficult but I know saying no to something is saying yes to myself

[@danielobrien6700]

Hey My name is Dan. I am feeling guilty for failing on what my dad wanted me to do. And I know it's not my fault. Trying not to feel guilty about the failure in this. Thank you for being here

[@admirbarucija2018]

I still have to study for an upcoming exam, but I can’t wait to watch once I’m out of class!! I’ve gotten really good at stopping others from guilting me into doing things I do not want to do, but sometimes I still get manipulated into uncomfortable situations! I hope you’re having an amazing day 💜

[@juliakristinamah]

I hope the studying goes well!

[@admirbarucija2018]

Julia Kristina Counselling Thanks so much, I appreciate it!! :)

[@philadelphiainternationalu4351]

We have to know the difference between judging the deed and not judging yourself. There is a big difference!

[@manutahingatai201]

Julia this is most probably one of the biggest issues I struggle with. Guilt is quite often placed on me from some of the closest people in my life. This hurts more then anything as I consider others feelings and opinions important to me. But the more it eats at me the more frustrated I feel where in the end I look worse of for being mad about being judged in the first place. I then feel endless amounts of shame and start loving myself a lot less. Now my relationships become affected and I end up losing out by being judged in the first instance. Thank u so much for sharing the golden nuggets of truth and wisdom.

[@lylahboling6383]

My first hearing the fact that guilt and shame are completely separate entities was enlightening. AND can help me with myself and my children I think. Because we do this thing.

[@MariaSantos-gm7ps]

Thank you Julia Kristina

[@dkdawe1]

I feel like this one is speaking straight to me... shame.... such a heavy burden to carry. So much work to maintain.

[@CBTCFT]

I have to thank JK for helping me resolve a really painful row I had with a friend over Christmas. I realised I had expectations of them which were not reasonable. Before watching this video, I was all upset, churning over in my mind what went wrong. When I watched the video, I cringed as I recognised myself as someone who might unreasonably guilt others. I rang that person last night & was able to give a sincere apology, meaning I can go into 2021, without having a horrible grudge & feeling at peace. After slipping up, I can forgive myself & know I need not feel ashamed & like a bad person & punish myself. The video helped me to behave in a mature way. Thank you so much JK. Best wishes for 2021 x

[@theguynextdoor4978]

Thanks, Kristina for the insightful videos. I'm a 37 years old recovering people's pleaser, and doormat. My biggest problem is dealing with backlash and conflict when I enforce the boundaries. However, how people respond, react and handle boundary enforcement is on them.

[@nielco86]

Very helpful video Julia. Keep it up😊. Thanks. Daniel

[@juliakristinamah]

Awesome Daniel - glad it helped.

[@dee0731]

Perfect information for me. Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad you found it helpful.

[@perezlourdes8223]

Love this! Using guilt as a barometer.. great perspective! Owning our voice.. speaking up!

[@tommygunn6901]

👍🏻👍🏻😁 incredible! I try every day to improve on how not to fall for guilt trips. I cut out people before cause I recognized the signs roughly 6 months ago

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad you're doing this work on yourself!

[@tommygunn6901]

@@juliakristinamah many thanks!! I had one ex friend try guilt tripping tactics and gaslighting. I've watch many videos on that and I was NOT falling for it!

[@karenhowell9011]

I haven't been watching your videos as much as I had before and I didn't realize how much I missed them and this community. So good to hear your voice and teaching again.

[@paula-elizabeth]

Thank-you sooo much Julia, that was sooo informative. I grew up feeling unwittingly feeling a lot of what I now know was shame rather than guilt - I have loving parents, they just didn’t realise the clear subconscious messages they frequently gave me. I have work through it all - Shame can still “grab ahold of me” and slow my progress. My sense of self worth was non existence; I am now pulling it up! I am determined to succeed because I feel I have a huge gift of wisdom to give the World that is very needed. Thank-you sooo much. X😃👍🏽🤗💫💖X

[@tabbymanx]

I’m going through a divorce. That’s how my wife manipulates me by blaming me for everything. She still thinks I should take care of her. I can be easily guilt by her in the heat of a conversation. I’m learning to give myself time to think things through before I respond, if really need to. Otherwise, I will ignore her.

[@Kayla-xk5om]

Ladybug, I love you. I am so happy for you and your lovely relationship! Thank you for having him as your partner to help you help us it all works together!

[@juliakristinamah]

Thank YOU for being here with me and doing this work together.

[@thenebraskan6977]

Thank You Julia for your awesome and life changing videos. Seldom does a day go by that I don’t watch a video early in the start of my day along with a cup of coffee. Thank You 🙏 for all your wonderful work. May our Lord bless you and your family!

[@CUZIND413]

You are an amazing professional human. Bravo

[@juliakristinamah]

Really kind of you. Thanks friend.

[@TheJtobs9]

Maybe a video on dealing with the anxiety surrounding the coronavirus would be in order? I’m sure your followers would appreciate it right about now?!🙂

[@juliakristinamah]

Thanks for the suggestion

[@jduggan4129]

Love this thank you for clearing this up for me. Love you Joanna

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad it helped Joanna. Sending love right back to you.

[@psycherevival2105]

I’m in a situation where someone has agreed to do something, but they consistently don’t follow through, and when I try to hold them accountable, I am made out to be the enemy. I’m accused of being controlling. RTo avoid his feelings of guilt he projects them into me. I realize I put my trust in him too quickly, and that is on me. When he accuses me of being controlling I get triggered. What work do I need to do for myself here? I’m trying to stay calm, but my blood is boiling because I’ve got myself in a situation when I’m relying on someone who is unreliable. This situation where this person is being paid for professional work, but it not acting like a professional.

[@Iddy267]

Hey guys, you can just call me Dwight (from dbd). I have been guilt tripped a lot... Most of the occurrences happen in relationships for me. The usual topic is that I'm apparently making things about myself, manipulating etc. This causes me to second guess myself and feel bad about things I shouldn't feel bad about. The reason I came to this video is because these things are currently happening again. I'm being called out for manipulations when I'm the one being guilt tripped. I've expressed all my feelings, everything I think about, made it incredibly transparent and still its being looked at in the wrong way. Like this one time, I told her that I wanted some alone time for the next 2 days, but then she told me she had a seizure and made me worry about her so I woke up from my sleep to talk to her. Her schedule changed and I questioned it, and she repeated her seizure as a defense mechanism which I never doubted in the first place. The reason I started doubting her later on is because she was putting words in my mouth when I told her I needed space: "You wanted time alone because you felt like I didnt pay attention to you, not because of anything else" without knowing anything prior. So it makes me feel like shes setting me up for failure. I asked her about the schedule prior to the seizure thing and she only said "depression". Like it does seem like shes changing her schedule in order to make me feel bad and text her.

[@linneaetzler]

Not letting guilt influence our relationships!

[@christineferreira5365]

Can you address the harm of a mom making their child feel guilty? I was raised on many guilt trips and now as adult I feel guilty for everything. Even things I had little to no hand in I find myself saying sorry too much

[@olsfield]

Thank you

[@ReginesCosmos]

Thank you for this! Now I understand the differnce between shame, guilt and remorse much better. And I see the "guiltgame" clearer. Love your videos all the way to Sweden :)

[@juliakristinamah]

Hey friend! I'm really glad you're here. My grandfather immigrated from Sweden and he was one of the most amazing humans I've ever met. Because of him, I tend to think all Sweds are wonderful people ;-)

[@ReginesCosmos]

@@juliakristinamah Oh, how cool that you have a connection to Sweden 😀🇸🇪 Wonderful to hear about your grandfather 💜

[@silascochran9705]

Thanks again Julia have a good day I'm a mess this morning I appreciate these videos I will do my mindfulness exercises😁🌄

[@juliakristinamah]

Sending you love and peach brother.

[@moneymagnetelizabeth]

It's all about if you want to be manipulated for good or bad. People are conditioned to feel good to shop, eat etc through media, education...others behaviors are also generationally triggered by media... Just say no and know who you are and make strong boundaries. develop communication skills and own up to your decisions.

[@ojluna]

Trying to not let others manipulate me to do things I don’t want to do OR maybe I do want to do it until others suggest I SHOULD do it otherwise I’m not living up to THEIR idea of what I should or should not be doing. For example I was going to go to a relatives house because my grandchildren are over there. Now #1 I see these grandchildren all the time. #2 now that this relative said to me in a text “if you come over today you can enjoy 5 of your grandchildren!!” This being said to me because she volunteered to babysit them and it is too much so she wants me to come help her or actually to take over. Ummm, I didn’t volunteer to do this. Just frustrating. Also

[@ruby-qv5bd]

Thank you for your honesty. This was a helpful video that I will return back to when I need a reminder. I so appreciate your honesty about yourself.

[@glennasmith1187]

Thank you so much for your service. This is such a blessing 🙏🏻💖

[@MariaSantos-gm7ps]

Hello Julia Thank You again”

[@rusinyabrooks2156]

Thank you for shining light on those topics , really needed to hear that and have it cleared💜💜💜💜

[@IntalenTed]

Oh sweet wonderful Julia😁! I had recently come to terms with this and have overcome hardship I put on myself for years! I hope that people can find guidance in this video, and wish I had watched it sooner!😁 I have a voice😁. Much love! Thank you as always! And take care!

[@1ex1uger-prank-calls]

Great video, very insightful. The example about not calling often enough to meet someone's expectation and the follow-up explanation really helped drive the lesson home.

[@gregpatterson1427]

I feel shame when I don't meet others expectations and then feel pressure to change my behavior. Such as: "I don't feel well. Come home from work and take care of me." I then counter this is not possible and negotiate an alternative to take a day off in the future. Then the response, "No need." I feel like I can't please and did something wrong. Then its shame and guilt.

[@katiesoudry8875]

I'm trapped in a marriage out of guilt. I've been trying to find the strength to leave for many years because I know it's not working and I'm deeply emotionally unfulfilled. The problem is, he's not abusive in any way, it's just simply that he's not right for me, we're not right for each other but he won't acknowledge this. He is clinging on to me for dear life and I feel so guilty about the pain he would suffer if I leave that I never have. So, I'm sacrificing my life, my happiness out of guilt for ruining his life if I put myself first.

[@dutchessofcreativity9397]

You feel this cause you don't love yourself.....maybe

[@jeriwestrom3435]

Listening to your podcasts have helped me, tremendously!!! Thank you!

[@NativeGrid]

I am new and feel hopeless bc of the guilt put on me. Ty

[@fmoezoddin2252]

Thank you very much 👍 it was really helpful ❤

[@afenton32]

This video was very helpful. I needed to hear this. Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

That's music to my ears. Thanks for taking the time to say so friend.

[@79075]

True 💗💞💓 we should know how to distinguish between what is right or bad. So that opinions don't affect our thoughts. And also, motives and intentions really matter. We should keep that goodness in ourselves and do good and then trust ourselves, be more confident. 🧡 Thank You 🌸🌙✨

[@seanblackwell6241]

This is such a great and honest video talk Julia, something I think we can all relate to. Certainly some things for me to think about. Thank you. ❤

[@divyasingh4909]

This is Divya from Bangalore,India. Love your videos :) really helps me understand myself and get over things. It's been just 2 weeks seeing your videos.

[@christineclarke9063]

I love you and your video's im studying counselling and i find you so amazing thankyou for everything you do.

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes! Another amazing psych junkie! So good to have you here Christine.

[@christineclarke9063]

@@juliakristinamah Thankyou so much for replying to my message. Totally love learning about everything to do with helping people ,self help and psychology. You deliver these topics in such a calm passionate empathetic way. I hope i have as much of these traits has you when im working with client's. 🌻🌷💋

[@sanivana]

Hi Julia I hope you see this. What 3 mental health books would you recommend?

[@kvhowells]

Oh thank u for using the example of not calling your Mom….that’s exactly why I am listening to this

[@harleyrose8392]

Hi I'm amber I struggle with truama. And I'm a survivor of human trafficking and domestic violence. I'm a victim of legal kidnapping. And I'm now finally free trying get on the right path. But how can you separate irrational thoughts when all you know is fight and flight and almost everyone around me either use me, abuse me and/or gas light me to think my mental disabilities is all my fault and I need to just "get over it." I don't have true family or friends. I got one by my side trying to help me learn and love myself. It gets hard when I'm always fighting with myself and idk what's right and wrong at times. I just want someone to help me to become more better of a person then I'm use to do if can try to be a honest and true to myself. While forgiving to become more mentally stable so hopefully I can be more functional.

[@90sDude]

Love your videos! You have given me some very useful tips to deal with my issues. Thanks a lot I mean that!

[@jimginter6802]

Your input is so valuable, thank you.

[@floalejandroguillermoorego4824]

Hi, my name is Flo from Vancouver, WA. Love your content...very relatable!

[@marquisstarks9471]

Thank you again Julia

[@tommyadkins5923]

This is Gold

[@lindagumbs9631]

Hi Julia. Thank you for your day. You have been of great help. I don't see the link to the people pleasing video.

[@juliakristinamah]

My bad Zoey - I released this one first - so the People Pleasing one will be coming out next week.

[@gr33n3ggs4]

Needed this, thank you

[@cinnamoroll_118]

My friend's been trying to guilt trip me because we didn't invite her to a sleepover (we didn't know she was home at the time). She told us today that her dogs ran away and she stayed up until 4am crying?

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

How to get rid of guilt and shame thats not yours: STOP ACCEPTING IT!! STOP LISTENING to it being thrust on you! stop texting to them, stop calling them, block them, stop being in their presence; and when they START with the guilt/shame talk, WALK AWAY and dont come back!! if they get mad, SO WHAT? tell yourself SCREW THEM!! I DESERVE BETTER FRIENDS!! then GO GET better friends who RESPECT YOU!!

[@nickthompson6617]

Can this include family as well

[@Lauren-vd4qe]

@@nickthompson6617 2 Tim 3:5 has a long list of unsavoury people; and the end line is? AVOID THEM!! YA!! look it up!! I dont have any contact with my 2 sisters bc they either treat me badly or dont respect me, but i do have regular contact with my brother, who treats me fine and does respect my wishes. family does not get a pass bc they are family. that fear/yucky feeling you get when you encounter them or they call or text you etc is the Holy Spirit WARNING you to stay away from them!

[@davidbruce6479]

Thanks Julia 😊

[@robertthomas9661]

This is such an incredible video! Thank you so much for making it! I come from a family that "guilt trips" their children. What do I mean when I say this? For instance, my mother would always tell my siblings and I that she brought us in the world. All of the things that a parent should do for their children she used it against us in the form of guilt. She used it to control us and used it to get things out of us, primarily money, clothes, cars etc. I do not talk to my mother. I have not talked to her in about 8 years and not seen her since 1999 because of this issue and others. How do you combat such a statement from a parent like the one I mentioned? Thank you again!

[@paulinewhalen6761]

Thanks for sharing , I really like your point of view

[@thequiltedkitchen]

what about..when someone hurt you and make you feel guilty for feeling hurt...

[@Jen-fr4sd]

Thank you!🤗🙋‍♀️

[@unitivecounselingservices]

Love it!

[@juliakristinamah]

Thanks for taking the time to say so.

[@patriciadeguzman5084]

New to this Channel and it so helpful as Im trying to actually learn how to control these negative emotions that tend to affect the reality of the healthy relationship im in. And cant wait for more videos 💕

[@justdoit6315]

Thank you 😊

[@jonwhitney9559]

Why is it- that when I look for your free offerings- on your website, there is a price listed for said offering? Confused here..

[@bharatdubey5140]

Thank you so much ❤️

[@buildonkindnessandwakeupmi2554]

Always on time

[@bobburch2151]

Awesome video

[@elainebau6354]

She has good vibes

[@fornarnia7569]

My friend believes that I’m guilt tripping her but I really am not

[@beautifuldreamer8803]

Hi I love your videos.

[@cclrichardson]

Love love love love this

[@aronabshire1110]

I watch your videos everyday, I actually have a question for you. What do you do when you’re in a relationship with someone who likes to brag on themselves a lot and point out all the wrongs I do & not what I actually do get done or actually achieve and then he give me advice on how I should be and this and that but when I do something they don’t agree with he continues to dwell on it even if I’ve ask to stop talking about things he will say he will stop but won’t, he even proceeds to follow me around talkin about whatever it may be until he’s gotten me upset. Then gets upset when I’m angry or annoyed... I just don’t know what to do, I know he loves me.... what do I do?

[@MariaSantos-gm7ps]

Thanh you Julia was great

[@pixelx1593]

What if its guilt tripping your personality? 🤔

[@juliakristinamah]

What do you mean?

[@pixelx1593]

@@juliakristinamah In situations where you try to be yourself, but people say the phrase "you need to be more..." or "I wish you'd..." making you feel guilty about your personality. Ex. A dog in a group of cats. A dog can't help itself if its hyper, obviously its behavior won't be liked 24/7 around the cats. Wouldn't the dog feel eventually guilty being such a bother, even though its being himself?

[@abdullahal-hazzani9882]

You are just gorgeous and inspiring, just subscribed, and Abdullah from Saudi Arabia here!

[@estephanelia]

yass

[@a.qadriyyah7711]

excellent video. Pls do video on couple counseling too.

[@kimgordon3695]

Rock On Julia K

[@evamussio7533]

❤

[@kattiekate8578]

But sometimes we think different about what is right to do and not. It was once without any second thought, I shared an article from National Geography about a travel spot to bf of a friend, because we did talk about it before. But next day I got bunch of bombings from other friends saying that I am trying to seducing that guy. Tbh, I am not feeling guilty at all, but sometimes what you think is right to do, not to others.