How To Stop Over Explaining Yourself

[@healerscreek]

My mother questioned everything I did and said to the extreme degree. Never being taken at your word and never being believed is so harmful to children. I get very anxious, overexplain, and then become angry any time anyone questions me, even friendly people asking friendly questions out of curiosity. It's an automatic response. Very timely video. Thanks, Kenny! 😊

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

I can relate. 🥰

[@Xxxxxrrr6464]

Same

[@leighanneboles4386]

I'm not the only one? Thank you.

[@goddessvibes08]

I had a boyfriend like this. He's the one who did damage.

[@mizelle4096]

+I also get very defensive when someone asks a question! I realized I was never believed by my mother (maybe both parents) mom ruled the house though. it even crept into my early adulthood.

[@artanddesign8006]

I think most people including me, over explain due to fear of being misunderstood

[@earthrooster1969]

Exactly. That 'fear' is more relevant than being 'misunderstood'. Confident people say things the way they see fit...not overtly concerned being understood or not...

[@amandacompher1807]

Yes! 💯

[@simev500]

@@artanddesign8006 As @earthrooster1969 put it, I also think that that ‘fear’ of not being taken seriously might also be what any narcissist would sniff out as his/her supply like a shark follows the trail scent of blood in the water.

[@Lacroix999]

Yes! I do this because everywhere I turn, people misunderstand what I’m trying to say and in part, much of that is because I just feel like I see the world in a completely different way. It’s not all black and white, but a whole world of colors in between. And people think because you say one thing, that means something else just because they can’t expand their thinking to allow for such things to be possible.

[@dragon7153]

​​@@Lacroix999Thank you! This is how it happens with me as well. I sometimes feel like I'm taking crazy pills because I will try to be very precise with my wording so as not to be misunderstood only to have the other person claim that I said something else, often because they are ignorant of certain concepts or words.

[@adamtobin8132]

Im a huge over explainer too Kenny. The shame when reflecting back afterwards really resonated with me. It’s obvious now I’m frustrated from being completely codependent with someone emotionally unavailable and projecting all over the place in real life.

[@lynny5908]

And I over apologize too

[@TangomanX2008]

Sorry to hear that.

[@lynny5908]

I hear you, me too.

[@lylyimmy]

Yes me too

[@user-ov4wr5yu4r]

As a scapegoat, I'm going to be blamed no matter what. If I can explain my position and persuade them of my righteousness, I won't get blamed! But of course, it's futile. Remember, I said No Matter What.

[@jessicadah-mk8up]

“It is not our pain.” Wow 🥺 that touched me

[@brendanthebdog]

My heart breaks when I notice that my inner child starts exaggerating and even making up fantastic stories just to get noticed. To be noticed I had to resort to extremes. Over-explaining to random strangers has been extremely uncomfortable for me and them. I feel the pain of strangers over-explaining and just want to stop them and say - "you're okay, you can just be, you don’t have to frantically convince me to like you." Feels good to be a human being and not a human doing or impressing.

[@michellescalia2142]

My mother often gave me the third degree, and pressured me to explain myself. She also shamed me constantly for my behavior which felt like I had to explain how wrong I was to her so she would be satisfied.

[@glittergirl3052]

I think there is also over explaining when you feel afraid of someone’s anger. For example, not feeling safe to set boundaries or say no so you feel the need to explain your boundary or decision. This can be a conditioned protective response also learned in childhood akin to fawning used to avoid triggering anger in insecure aggressive people. They don’t accept simple a no. They demand explanation. And if you don’t provide one, watch out.

[@stephanielane6863]

I don't think it's just from childhood. It can be from adolescent too.

[@annadawson5325]

Yes, this resonates with me too. They want/ expect an explanation then complain you talk too much…narcissistic 😢

[@deep_freeze_0580]

16:10 - „You’re safe. I am here. I’ll protect you.” When I heard this, tears broke through. Thank You Sir Weiss for sharing. ❤

[@scottherod7732]

@3:51 "I am hoping that if I can put the words together in a way that matters to YOU, I'll finally get your attention!" Wow! I can so relate to that. That was me with both my parents, who were often too busy to notice. Mom was often too preoccupied on the phone talking with friends to give me attention. Dad was always too busy correcting my grammar to really hear my talking points.

[@Michelina22]

Yes I’m an over explainer and also say “sorry “ all the time for unnecessary things

[@freakofnurture40]

You’re adding a lot of happier years to peoples lives with this content, I’m so grateful to find this channel. Thank you!!

[@adamtobin8132]

Also, I’m 40 and finally feeling that there is an adult inside me who can calm my wounded inner child. It’s like an awakening of a little confidence idk.

[@glittergirl3052]

This makes so much sense. My mom and sister were very one-sided and needy. They would talk without pause. I desperately wanted them to take interest in me and my life but they were too self-interested to care about me. So, I overexplained to try to get them to hear me. I also felt very judged and felt that I had to explain my decisions and imperfections even the smallest ones to avoid the criticism. It was my way of trying to head it off before the snarky comments were thrown my way.

[@Post-ModernCzechoslovakianWar]

6:47-6:57 This is honestly an amazing insight. Sometimes I'm feel so embarrassed and ashamed of how I have acted I want to fall into a victim mindset, because than I could have an excuse for not having control. That isn't healthy, and I must be able to own up and fix my genuine faults. What you described makes sense, since it's the reverse. To be constantly ignored by your parents must be painful, and would make you feel powerless. So it makes sense why a young child would blame himself, so he then would feel he has power, and therefore he thinks he can change things. Wherein really in this situation he is innocent, and his parents did the wrong. I have definitely over-explained and over-apologized in the past. I got work to do.

[@GeorgeDonnelly]

I am so grateful for these videos of yours. I over-explain, and it gets me into trouble. Thank you.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Great video. I love your channel, book and podcast. Your advice is helpful here. But actually sometimes I find whenever you might repeat yourself I like it. I think you are a kind, warm person and it actually comes across as enthusiastic and personable, authentic and lovable rather than overly cerebral and distant. I am happy I found your channel and resources. You have helped me very much and I often listen to you - on repeat! 😊

[@Karen-mx2fp]

As soon as you said what that child piece of us needs is grace and forgiveness I broke down. You are exactly right.

[@AlisonRuthless]

Oh my word, you are one of the only people that verbally expressed what I recently learned by intense introspection/self-analysis (something I have lots of experience with, unfortunately) - blaming ourselves gives us a measure of power. Because feeling at the mercy of others seems to magnify the sense of shame, rejection, & powerlessness. And if self-blame was reinforced by those around us (especially in our formative years) by their blaming us as well for whatever was going wrong at the time, then that is often going to become our *default setting* (for lack of better words) when faced with this sort of suffering.

[@ImmortalAmbitions]

For me, some of the over explanations are partially due to being massively misunderstood.

[@ladylucid1169]

Or also attempting to reason them into wanting to hear you out. Trying to convince them why you’re worthy of their understanding. Feeling inherently below others personally as if not allowed accommodation or even reasonable excuses for anything not completed perfectly in specific way.

[@anniefenn7323]

​@ladylucid1169 Yes, l hear you and can totally relate 😔💞

[@KristinaHoneyHavenFarm]

@@ladylucid1169 Yes, this resonates with me the most rather than the video. I don't remember feeling ignored, but I do remember massive misunderstandings and just wanting to be heard. Perfectionism, so not wanting to start without running your ideas past someone for validation. It seemed like I could never do anything right in some people's eyes (except in school; schoolwork was a very validating thing, although peer relationships very often were not). I also felt sometimes that I simply did not understand social construct, because in polite company, if I said something I would get shushed, but my sisters could say the same thing shortly thereafter and not be shushed. Hmm, so I realized that the ignoring would be that sometimes I had to repeat things multiple times to get acknowledgement that anyone heard me the first or second time; this would be in the midst of group interactions including family.

[@fgauer1]

I am really going to work on the last suggestion in this video, bringing the 'adult' into the world more consciously. All too often I'm leaving the 'child' me to roam around and try and make sense of things that are going on day to day, and reacting as such. And this is coming from a human who is 60+ years old. Thank you for the great content.

[@131Hania]

This personal stories are so helpful to me, because i see myself in it, also helps me remember my own stories, as well as giving myself permission to experience it.

[@1Marflowa]

I never knew that this video , is what I needed my whole life. Thank you soooo much ❣️

[@PotsandPansWhatsPotsandPans]

I’ve found it so helpful to tell my inner child when a task is just for adult me and my higher self. It’s lead to a few beautiful moments where she feels free and just excited for drive there on a beautiful day.

[@tf1354]

Awesome. I’ve learned much through my grandchildren about what little children need and now I can apply that to my inner child. Thank-you

[@friendlybrilliant4902]

I do it becasue of a fear of being judged based on a misinterpretation of what I was trying to say.

[@glittergirl3052]

Thank you. Sometimes when I’m going through a lot, I have been tuned out. It’s so hard to be present. I see my poor daughter over explaining trying to get me to be there. I feel so bad. I apologize and tell her it’s not her that I’m tired or have some things going on. I need a little time and I will be more available soon. I’ve been grieving some tough losses and I’m trying to balance it with taking care of her needs. I’m so tired.

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Pray and you ll get the power

[@suzannortega6671]

Sorry you’re having trouble but when you have a child, it’s not about you anymore. You must put yourself aside to be there for the child.

[@glittergirl3052]

@@suzannortega6671 I realize that but nobody is perfectly present 100 percent of the time. That’s not realistic. If you have ever been very ill or tired or dealing with the death of your parents, you are not giving your all but doing the best you can. Your response lacks compassion and feels judgemental. It’s like saying, “sorry not sorry.”

[@dawnalawrence6584]

In my case I keep explaining myself because I'm always afraid that people will get the WRONG impression of me- why I'm doing or not doing something etc. It's very important to me that people do not accuse me falsely.

[@taraelmegreen5527]

Dang!!! Great talk! This parentified child of 2 addicts and 3x Vietnam Vet....I appreciate your efforts and direct suggestions/information! God bless you, so many of us who are chronic "over-explainers", we've struggled, beat ourselves up and so much negative self talk and shame....I've had some loving ppl start to tell me abt this and I'm so grateful, I so badly want to heal....

[@warm69blue]

feedback: I feel that you explain so you stay near those that feel hurt by truth and until they say aaaa now I see the light (were this goes) and you are incredible

[@johnscott3795]

Powerful stuff man , I gotta be there for the little guy within now he's been giving freedom thos morning (after watching this video, Journaling and many tears ) from having to manage my life up to now , and get to be the source of the love that I feel instead , IL take the reigns now in my communication and interactions with adults and he can come out and play with the dogs and cats and other kids sometimes 😊

[@_mlktea]

Knowing how to weave in and out of these emotional states is huge! Definitely something I'd never considered. I love talking to my little self. I sit side by side with her on a set of porch stairs.

[@rayel4366]

Thanks.. I often over explain myself... Will try these suggestions.

[@andrea859]

Wow. A heartfelt thankyou for this video.

[@grannyblaylock623]

THANKS I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS SOME TIMES I OVER EXPLAIN THINGS AND DIDN'T KNOW WHY .👍👍🤗

[@timjohnson2186]

Thank you and I hope you heal

[@strongasagirl4434]

Yep! It’s me. I grew up with nice but emotionally unavailable parents. I have ADHD.

[@AcaciaJessamine]

Great explanation of why we overexplain. Validating and helpful for my healing. Thank you.

[@woebaby]

I used to overexplain constantly. As a leader I've learned to just state what I want or what I've observed and only give explanation if it really adds value. I can't even begin to say how much more efficient, powerful, and clear I am. Explain when explanation is desired by your listener not when you feel the need to do it for yourself and your explanations become a service not a chore. If you are reading this, I believe in you, you can do it to.

[@Cocacola2358-h5d]

From what you've said i can clearly understand the reasons behind. But one question ,why I'm so annoyed when have to listen to people (even myself) who explaining something over and over again. I 'm really appreciate your dedication, thank you so much. ❤

[@sajeevisacbaby4814]

Mr Kenny, I don't know how to thank you for this great information thank you sir love you from India

[@me-ke2qf]

Great insights! For me, over-explaining came from being made to feel stupid. I had to explain the details before my answer was seen as worthwhile.

[@ReubenMDx]

Hi Kenny. Thank you so much for this video. I have struggled with this for a very long time. This was very calming and comforting and has given me some new hope.

[@lynny5908]

My parents were like that also. They would just sit in their favorite chairs and tune everyone else out especially eachother. They never disgust anything Infront of us kids. There was very little family conversation going on in our house.

[@warriormanmaxx8991]

*discussed

[@lynny5908]

Sorry for the typo, thanks for the correction

[@suzannortega6671]

I can relate with that!!

[@lynny5908]

@@suzannortega6671 did it drive you crazy growing up too?

[@seanacai]

Thank you for you genuineness and revealing your inner self, this is a wonderful clip

[@ruksarharoon7278]

Im so happy to be learning all this things because now im a mother i can raise my daughter better and without mental health issues unlike me

[@yvonnep.5194]

Same here 😔

[@brishellebrooks9345]

Video was recommended. Didn’t think I needed it but it was very insightful and helpful. I do notice my harmed inner child comes out here and there and the last step of pausing before you enter spaces will REALLY help me. We are now safe secure and protected in Jesus name fr. ❤ Thanks so much for this content. You have a new subscriber.

[@joy0134]

❤️Thank you so much for making these videos!!!❤️

[@edebeaupre7833]

Thanks...for caring, sharing, being compassionate. Same here pretty much...GodBless youvery much😇

[@kennyweiss]

You are so welcome

[@juliarobinson2524]

Your message is profound and life changing. Ill be watching again, taking notes, and sharing. Thank you.

[@Xxxxxrrr6464]

Seeing this video at a great time. Seen the KZbin short version first

[@LindaGrey-wm9uc]

Very powerful presentation!

[@suzannortega6671]

Bravo 👏 You broke this down & explained it just right!!

[@Ranaelibrik]

(Thank for all the healing that you've done)

[@dadmiraldankbar3720]

The bonus tip was especially useful tool I think, especially as I think about stepping into potentially contentious discussions or topics with my ex wife about kid stuff. I turn into this blithering mess trying to explain myself and she gets increasingly demanding the more I talk and just tears everything apart that I’ve prepared to say. It makes setting boundaries almost impossible with her too, because then I feel compelled or manipulated into over explaining boundaries so that she can just ignore them and abuse me even more since she sees the boundaries as new buttons to push.

[@dampergoldenrod4156]

Your sick nasty wife no doubt goes out in public and starts this garbage with other men.. your problem has become a problem for society in general.

[@emmaleajackson5037]

I just found you! 😢 I needed this explanation at this point in my life. I understand it’s my responsibility now to heal so I am working on reparenting myself to move from the wounded child I didn’t realize I am dealing with😢

[@spilledit]

Thank you, Kenny. This is Exactly what i do as well. I got to a point that when someone is making me feel like i need to keep explaining, then they are no longer my friend.

[@kennyweiss]

You're welcome :)

[@souadmaaseik7103]

Thank you from Morocco ,this resonates with my life.

[@christinerogerson9400]

You are spot on Kenny on many things. Never heard things explained this way before . Kids need to hear this. ❤

[@adiroots]

Thanks for these tips. I realize I do this in speech and text. Of late I feel like others tune me out or answer with short responses. Recently I was on the phone with a friend who dozed off while I was talking. He said he was tired. But I accept I have the tendency to ramble.I then end up feel ashamed. I'm going to try to be more conscious of striking a balance.

[@sirtree9080]

Bravo 👏👏 thank You!

[@sandrawright8109]

Excellent podcasts. I just want to say you are an extremely elegant well dressed man. Love your style

[@smartypants6198]

Sorry, but I was thinking, "Kenny is not succinct." But always self aware and same area, different outfit and still matching. Too adorable! On a serious note, I've tried to remember the event of origin of a feeling. Even in meditation or before I go to sleep. It doesn't come up. And I know I have a lot of memories but can't access

[@kristinmeyer489]

I appreciate your videos, advice and suggestions. Thank you.

[@kennyweiss]

You are so welcome!

[@ccbluesky9780]

Wow! Thank you! You explain this so cleary❤❤❤

[@chrislong2204]

Kenny your content is so great! I like repeat messages because abuse often affects our cognitive abilities (executive function, brain fog, etc.). Repeating points helps abuse survivors to learn better. 🎉❤

[@nanettesue1287]

Excellent! Now I know why I over explain! Thank you!

[@sarahmurphy-nf4yl]

Your videos are excellent.

[@MickieMuellerStudio]

Thank you! That last tip is everything!!

[@kennyweiss]

Glad it was helpful!

[@BAsed_AFro]

Many folks today heavily struggle with A - The need to be right no matter what and B - With having their conditioned belief sets challenged in any way. Think of all that we were just subject to over the past 4 years!?

[@polyglotmona]

I instantly subscribed when I heard your voice. Thank you for being you 👍

[@kennyweiss]

Wow, thank you

[@johnscott3795]

Thank you so much mate. I was wondering what the heck was up with me , I’ll keep your vid for to remind me❤

[@poliapashalieva115]

Thank you -found your video while looking for content on over explaining and it’s the best content,explaining everything in such a kind trauma informed and supportive manner. Thank you.🙏

[@kennyweiss]

You are very welcome. I’m happy that it helped you.

[@poliapashalieva115]

Something I want to add , is that actually this trait of over explaining (which many call toxic ) has in fact helped many grow into teachers, healers, speakers where detail and understanding is highly valued and needed, the ability to say something in many different ways to be understood is essential. And that is so visible and felt in your video. Thank you for your work 🙏

[@therocknrollcook]

Omg this is absolutely true ❤😮

[@jaimeamby5568]

You are a sweetheart! Great advice for an over explainer like me! I was always kind of wondering, what it was all about, when it came out again- sideways, upside down, and sometimes even backwards. So now I know! And I know what to do about it. Thank you

[@liana2136]

This is such a helpful video... thank you!!!

[@estherhirsch4460]

Kenny you explain and rexplain so we get it how we can receive it and it speaks to us. I reasly like and see your caring intention. I also find tgat relistening to a pidcast or many on the same topic is the benefit of hearing the same from different angles. Also true saying it once is also a stmnt to others, Ill say it once so listen

[@francesmartel7948]

I felt like the scapegoat in my last marriage-he was EXTREMELY abusive -verbally & mentally. My family made me feel like that too, sometimes-although they have no idea 🤷🏽‍♀️ what I’m talking about.

[@sherrianmorganMS]

This is a timely video.

[@m_g4547]

What a fantastic video, so real

[@lynny5908]

Oh no.. I do that same thing. I over explain so much.

[@dani5639]

“The child blames themselves to get power cause at that moment they feel powerless ” If we are to blame then we can change the outcome, but thats not true 😢 That hit me so hard . Explains why i negatively ruminate about my self . Thank u for this video

[@blakelycreative3171]

Thanks for explaining this.. ha ha..seriously, I appreciate this information. thx

[@Jacqueoldfield]

Thank you Kenny 💜

[@ronnieredneck9162]

Thanks 🙏🏼

[@VictorSnake718]

Love the video. Thank you

[@CaToRi-]

My over explaining started after marrying a man I didn’t know has inattentive ADD and Aspergers. For many years I thought I wasn’t communicating well. Now I need to unlearn to over explain 😞

[@divineverse7122]

God bless you. Thankyou 💜🕊💚✌️☀️☮️🕯💫

[@bethberry320]

This is so helpful

[@CashtynSomethingCool]

I'm an unemotional person, and this made me feel emotional, damn

[@judybw706]

Lucy you got some “spraining to do!

[@tonih3433]

❤ beautiful video. Thank you

[@kennyweiss]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@michaelcale272]

Your content is awesome

[@VonsWanderingMind]

Thank you ❤

[@kennyweiss]

You're welcome :)

[@ttytghgfg3322]

10/10 video 💪🏽🔥

[@dampergoldenrod4156]

I don't believe over-explaining initiates or originates with a parent it comes from an experience where someone demands that you explain something whether you were young in life or whether you were mentally broken but that does not mean it has to start with a parent at a very early age

[@DrPhilGoode]

Sorry..but one random experience doesn’t result in a lifetime of a specific speech habits. This is well documented.

[@waykee3]

Because I can’t not do it. In my family, I think especially my dad, if I didn’t explain, he would get violent and not stop questioning until he was satisfied. So whenever I’m with others, I feel afraid to not explain. Also the act of conforming even with disapproval was made in me likely due to my dad too that would get physical if I didn’t conform to want he wanted. Because I’m sure I didn’t listen to want he said in the past and he physically did stuff to make sure I had to conform to it. All these made me have no sense of personal will.

[@Theowlhawk]

Love your videos, appreciate ❤

[@kennyweiss]

Glad you like them!

[@ninab7542]

Thank u!! ❤

[@kennyweiss]

You're welcome 😊