How To Support Someone Who Has ADHD | Therapist's Tips for Neurodivergency

[@kevinwhite6176]

I think it's really interesting that you mention "it's probably not great to have unbridled ADHD". I have ADHD and I've seen so much "ADHD is a superpower" "ADHD is society restraining you!" stuff and the reality is, ADHD made me want to paint my living room and then ADHD made me stop painting at two-thirds of the room. Someone on social media said "normalize it being okay to paint two thirds of the room". NO! That's ridiculous! That's like "it's okay to leave the left third of the stove uncleaned when you clean it! ADHD is not a disease!" ADHD has benefits and it has drawbacks and you get both, not just one or the other.

[@sandrad9695]

I completely agree! I had a family member ask me how I am harnessing my ADHD superpowers. I said, “When I figure out what those are and how I can benefit from them, I’ll let you know.” 😂

[@mermaiddiyartist8119]

Exactly😂😂😂 they don’t realize how incredibly difficult it Is

[@mulan2010]

Lol true! We shouldn’t normalize everything.

[@gabrielwright6055]

I'm not sure I agree? I don't think "normalize" means encourage everybody to do a thing as much as possible. I feel like it literally just means destigmatize it. Take the moral panic away. It's okay to recognize that painting two thirds of the room, from a lot of perspectives, is very ineffective, without moralizing it or turning it into more of a problem than it is? Idk, in comments that mirror this one, I see this weird dynamic of some people kind of taking this as an opportunity to accept the societal pressure to stigmatize aspects of ADHD. We don't need to externally pressure people for an ADHD symptom (having a 2/3 painted room), because the feeling of having a 2/3 painted room either bothers them or it doesn't. if it doesn't, maybe that's just their deal and we can accept that? it literally doesn't hurt anyone. and if it does bother them, they will eventually figure it out.

[@MorganChaos]

Re: 3, my husband works in childcare, and a thing that you'll do with elementary schoolers is validate and redirect. If it's circle time and they're still coloring, you say "wow, that looks great! Why don't you finish that after?" This is better than a plain redirect because it prevents it feeling like criticism or a command and acknowledges that a thing they're invested in is cool. It just kinda makes the kid feel seen, you know? My husband does the exact same thing with me and I LITERALLY DO NOT NOTICE, it's amazing. We'll be cleaning our room and I go "oh! I was looking for this [craft item]! Babe look, wouldn't this look cool as [thing]?" And he goes "oh yeah, that'll be awesome! Can you grab that glass off the table?" or "Oh, that'll be so cool! Where should we put it so you can find it later?" It works like a charm, I don't even notice him doing it, and it keeps me on task without upsetting me.

[@brid5415]

Thanks for sharing 👍

[@skbrickmeister]

What an awesome guy.

[@Demonetization_Symbol]

That's manipulative.

[@MorganChaos]

@@Demonetization_Symbol It's supportive.

[@mermaiddiyartist8119]

Yeah my kid’s school’s refuse to evaluate 😢😢😢 bc they are great at covering their sensory issues. I have severe adhd. And they definitely have some inattentive adhd. 😢 their pediatrician was a jerk completely invalidated everything when the pediatrician doesn’t know us at all. 😩. It’s incredibly frustrating. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. Certain functions for me are difficult. Luckily my partner can do certain things. But he doesn’t understand how hard it is and gave up having them tested bc the pediatrician and teachers who don’t really know my kids.

[@feliciasjoberg9886]

Funny story. My mom is 51 and is going to be evaluated for Autism and ADHD. She had a meeting and they said it was VERY OBVIOUS she has ADHD/ADD. Mom was like "really?" And they were like "yeah, super clear, no brainer". 😂

[@vicktoryscreech]

i wish my mom would go get evaluated. its so obvious to me she has adhd im sure her appointment would go like this lol

[@dianadoraen7864]

Same. My grandma can't function without TV playing on the background or start her day without turning every light on in the morning. It's all about routines and focus, many more very specific things. But alas she believes that "only crooks go to funny doctor" sooo yeah... stigma.

[@KillerCammy85]

This is my ex MIL. You could sit down with her for 20 minutes and realize there's no way she didnt have ADHD lol. Try and tell her that though. She's from the old-school thought that things don't need to be diagnosed. Shes getting better since our son was diagnosed Autistic but I dont think she would ever admit she herself has something.

[@southernsunb]

My son has ADD and my daughter has sensory issues, but no diagnosis. I'm 100% sure my mom and her brother has ADHD/ADD but she won't even admit that it's a real thing. She tries to tell me my son doesn't really have anything wrong. I see so many things in her what I see in my son.

[@melyndalegg7446]

Many of us gen x folks never got diagnosed, because mental health care was not something our parents even thought about. I mean this was a time when people didn't use seat belts or car seats, so...

[@lexbel8394]

Dividing the chores between hyperfixation-heavy tasks and quick sporadic tasks makes SO MUCH SENSE.

[@S.A.White...]

I'm ADHD and my partner gets frustrated because I can control it but often choose not to because it's EXHAUSTING. Trying to be on all the time only makes me anxious and wears me down. So I have structured times where I have to be on, and times when I can be off. In my on times, I check everything 3 times, and sit still and look attentive, and by the time I've done that for 8 hours, again, I cannot do it anymore. I have run out of attention spoons. i just need somebody to be okay with telling me the same thing twice because I'm too honed in on the TV.

[@gamewrit0058]

Yes! So important for others to understand that it takes EFFORT to behave and focus in certain ways and we run out of spoons (a metaphor for energy) for certain tasks or clear thoughts and action in general. ❤️

[@asspatsandsuperchats6578]

Hands up if you clicked the video and immediately sent to read the comments whilst listening.

[@samanthawycoff855]

This is a great list of advice! I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 22, and my mom would always tell me (with the best of intentions) to "swallow the frog" when I was having trouble getting myself to do something as a kid. In other words, do the hardest thing first so the rest seems easier. That advice never worked for me because I would just procrastinate more on doing everything because I was putting off doing the hardest thing on my to-do list. Now that I've been diagnosed, she's been very open to learning about how it impacts me, and I think she knows now that the "swallow the frog" strategy is counterintuitive to how my brain works.

[@auramire6304]

Same here yeah, trying to start with the hardest thing first is paralyzing. These days I try and instead weaponize my to do lists by adding in a couple of really super easy tasks that would take me less than a minute. Then I start with them, cross them off the list and go "oh wow, look at how much I've done already" to let myself get a bit of that dopamine hit, and then I can snowball myself into doing the hard task. Just wish I'd known I don't have to do things "the right way" sooner. I got diagnosed at 26, 4 years after I burnt myself out so hard that its taken years to regain a basic level of functioning again from trying to do things "properly".

[@Ivy-Woods]

Oh! I am still learning coping strategies and it never occurred to me that the exact same thing happens to me. Instead of changing the way I approach the tasks, I get upset and try again the next day.

[@lolaf1er]

I once responded to someone giving me that advice with: "If I try to swallow the frog it's just going to get stuck and then nothing else can happen because I have a frog stuck in my throat we gotta deal with!" Because yeah, doing the hardest task first is a great way to stop any momentum I had. Also hard can be so subjective day by day.

[@AndaraBledin]

On the ADHD distraction, I've gotten really good at letting my partner know when I've noticed I've checked out of a conversation and letting him know to start over and I'll try to focus better. A good bit of advice talking to someone about being hurt by something that was done, it's best to center the discussion almost entirely about your own feelings as opposed to how the other person made you feel that way.

[@curtisholsinger6023]

That's really good. I need to notice that more, but it's important to call myself out too. Great idea.

[@AndaraBledin]

@@curtisholsinger6023 The basic concept is that by centering on the speaker's internal reaction, the discussion can avoid any finger-pointing or blaming of the other person, thereby giving them no reason to become defensive.

[@christalyu635]

@@curtisholsinger6023 I usually say something like “wait I’m sorry i thought I was listening but didn’t realize my brain hadn’t switched over yet” (or that my “brain had switched to something else”)

[@angryotter9129]

One of my sensory issues is someone talking to me while I’m cooking. The kitchen is noisy and I have to pay attention to what I’m doing, but people think that’s a good time to initiate a conversation and then get annoyed when I ask them to hold that thought until I turn the water off or finish chopping something or whatever. I read a book called “Raising a Sensory Smart Child” after my kid was diagnosed with ASD and had a huge personal breakthrough when I realized that I relate to a lot of sensory issues and just how common and normal it is. I think the difference in neurotypical people is that they might be able to just “deal with” sensory issues, but that seems like a social issue where we are just made to put up with things that stress us out when maybe we should be learning to be more compassionate and accommodating with each other.

[@juliej2263]

My kids always want to talk to me during dinner prep. I've always told them that unless it's an emergency, it'll need to wait until we sit down to eat. I absolutely cannot hold a conversation and pay attention to their story while I'm cooking. The kitchen looks like a train wreck after I'm done cooking, presumably if we could look at my brain it would be the same.

[@DreamWeaver529]

Oh, another book I can read? Thank you! I have a kiddo with ADHD and have known I'm neurodiverse since first grade (I don't know what I'd be diagnosed with now, but as a girl in the late 80s ADHD and ASD "looked" very different, at least according to the diagnostics of the time). As supportive as my family was, I don't want my kiddo to have all the same struggles I did.

[@cameronschyuder9034]

I read that neurotypicals don't have issues with sensory processing like we do because their brain cells are able to filter out unimportant background info. Something something selective attention. I thought I was the same, but turns out ignoring something that I am vaguely aware of is a lot more uncomfortable than not being aware of something whatsoever. Neurotypicals can be overwhelmed sensory-speaking, but those who are considered "hypersensitive" get overwhelmed much more easily.

[@lisadoes]

For years I had to remind my husband that I couldn’t hear him while the water is running when he tries to say something from a different room. It’s sooo frustrating for both of us, because it’s not a problem for him, so he really doesn’t remember. The good news is that after twenty years, he seems to be catching on. 😂

[@christalyu635]

Yes this!!!

[@Lynsey17]

I have spent a lot of time and energy dealing with loved ones who insist I accept the help they want to provide and not the help that I actually need from them. It has taken me years to even realize that I deserve to have boundaries on what kind of "help" I accept and that I am not required to take on the burden of relieving someone else's anxiety about how I best function in the world. This is all not in small part bc I am the first person in my immediate family recognized and accepted that I had an anxiety disorder (and, many years later, ADHD) but I am far from the only person to suffer from one.

[@eavaav3766]

Do not have ADHD myself but my sister and partner both do and this was a really helpful video to stumble on.

[@MsMizz1]

I love when I see comments like this. Whether you’re curious or compassionate having a love show genuine interest is amazing and can make a world of difference for the individual and your relationship.

[@vicktoryscreech]

I get so stuck by feeling like theres a right way to do things and i get stressed when im not finding it. i wish i had more support people in my life but im sure giving myself some of this support will also be helpful. ty mickey

[@lonewolfie1932]

Same on everything you said!

[@user-fo8dw1mo7u]

SAME

[@tarledamanley2832]

I have the opposite problem I feel like I'm constantly telling everyone in my life that my way works too cause there isn't just 1 right way to do things like I'm neurodivergent of course I'm gonna do things differently

[@zaraandrews600]

I am diagnosed with autism and potential have ADHD too (waiting for assessment), and I long distance dated a guy with ADHD. I remember the guy constantly being late to our online dates, or rescheduling them last minute to be a couple of hours later and then not turning up. It was a nightmare. He asked to have online dates once a month, which I respected. I really cared about him and tried to be understanding of his ADHD. I was doing a lot of research into ADHD at the time for myself which really helped me to identify his ADHD traits. He just seemed to be constantly overwhelmed by me, asking for at least 3 days a week to be left alone, and I wasn't allowed to ask him how he was at all. He would often state that his ADHD was the reason he asked for all of these requests. It was really devastating to just feel like I was too much for him. Yet, when I asked him if he wanted to keep the relationship going it was always a yes. Eventually, there came a point where I was like 'this is debilitating my mental health and I just can't do it anymore'. I was always thinking about how to cater his ADHD, and just neglecting myself.

[@xLiLlyx98]

Honestly, yeah it can be pretty draining to date someone with ad(h)d, speaking from memory. For my part, it's the being asked to remember every appointment and social obligation and having to organize and remind, knowing that the other person will forget. And im like, I'm not your mum, I dont want to drag your ass to lunch with YOUR family 😂 but on a more serious note, the not being able to handle any demands can be very draining. Im glad you realised that it wasn't working and put an end to that 🙂

[@AllyCarts]

Sounds like he was using adhd as an excuse. I am AuDHD, I set reminders and timers. Is it always perfect? No. Do I need other people to be responsible for me? Also 100% no.

[@watchmethriving]

all that doesn't really sound to be adhd related and they're just using excuses... jmho

[@kanjonojigoku8644]

As someone with adhd this is how a lot of my relationships end, i can really like the person im dating but its so difficult for me to remember what im meant to do to show them that, its hard to not get time blinded, like "we talked yesterday... Or was that 3 days ago? Oh but im so busy right now at this very moment", things just fizzle out because you need space and time rums different for you and people cant get that

[@zaraandrews600]

@xLiLlyx98 I could have dealt with if he was just forgetting dates, but when he said he didn't even want me to ask how he was, that made conversation really difficult. Then we eventually had an online date where we had planned to play a game together, and he ended up leaving me to do his own thing on it. I understand he was hyperfixating, but it was just a build up of things. If I became interested in something he was interested in, like learning Thai as he is from Thailand, he would make me feel crap for trying. The same with the video game we were playing that date. I had just started playing it and he was berating me for how low my level was. He was streaming us playing too and later that evening after leaving him I popped into his stream to find him telling other viewers how beautiful they were. He had never said anything like that to me. I tried to talk it out the issues the next day and he just didn't get why any of it was an issue and thought I was being too sensitive.

[@RiannaNicole]

as a daughter of a psychologist (who he has adhd, among other issues), and my own issues that i would love to get checked out for, as i do struggle with a lot of the same things, this is such a comfort spot video. taking the stigma out of attention based mental health issues is something that i love seeing, coupled with destigmatizing mental health issues overall. going to send this to my dad, as he loves sharing stuff with his clients, for general help outside of his sessions.

[@recoveringsoul755]

My mother was a psychologist as well and now I realize she had autism. I wonder if she knew? I wish I could talk to her again

[@thesingerintheshower]

Thank u

[@Ya_boi00]

​honestly from what I've seen, so many au/dhd people become psychologists because we have such high empathy and problem solving skills. Really cool stuff

[@catsmom129]

Thank you for this video. I don’t have ADHD, but I have a long history of major depression-which can also cause problems with concentration and executive function. I think many people think depression is just a mood disorder, and don’t realize all the other symptoms involved. So there’s a similar issue, where people can get very frustrated with the lack of productivity and focus. Personally, I’ve been in treatment long enough that I have a fairly good handle on the mood issues. But I still massively struggle with executive functioning. There’s basic skills & habits I never learned in childhood because I was dealing with other stuff. So now I’m trying to play catch-up.

[@rachelesee]

this is also my experience! I don't think I have ADHD, but I do find a lot of ADHD tips useful as I try to hack my challenges with executive function and focus.

[@maryeckel9682]

And depression saps your energy like nothing else, so tasks look like freaking Mt Everest.

[@lenny_wonders]

Mickey I've been thinking about this ever since you mentioned the lint trap last time but i couldn't remember which episode it came up in--I cannot recommend putting a trash can in the laundry room enough! That way the n-times weekly burden of "oh i need to walk to the trash with this lint" becomes just "move the lint from the trap to the garbage less than a foot away from it," and then once a month or whatever you empty the laundry room trash. I always end up with small laundry baskets all over, and small trash cans in every room, and it makes it so much easier for me to keep my home clean.

[@coyoteinthepool]

Love this! 100% I have wee trash cans in every room and it works!

[@cameronschyuder9034]

Oh fuck, this might help my suitemates take out the effing lint. Thanks for sharing this info from Mickey!

[@hyperthermophile23]

YES. Asking for you need as a repair or reconnection is an excellent way to get needs met. No justification needed- if you feel sad because ADHD partner forgot a thing and would like to repair and reconnect in a specific way, that's legit and I support it. State YOUR needs so they can be met.❤

[@caseyw.6550]

Yes! I know my partner feels hurt when I am late all the time, so I've really made a big effort to not do this. It's not something we do just to be shit heads.

[@debbieattwell]

As someone with ADHD, your background really helped me stick with this video! A talking head with a plain background is almost painful to watch, so this was great.

[@mswifeycatlady7583]

I’m 45 and got diagnosed with ADHD a year ago. I’m still in the process of grasping just how much it’s truly impacted my life x Thank you so much for this amazing advice 🌸🌸

[@hydrogen3266]

I’m from a really conservative family. I was the middle kid, and I was neglected by my parents and at school I was disregarded because I was smart and didn’t often disrupt class. I was super anxious and self conscious my whole life because I knew I was different. At 20 I finally went to therapy and got diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, and I felt so seen. At first I was really resistant to medication because of my family’s shame-based attitude about getting help and mental healthcare. I finally started meds for it a few months ago and it’s been one of the best decisions I ever made. I still wish I could send videos like this to my family members but it’s difficult knowing that they’re not receptive to these sorts of things. Thank you for helping me feel more seen though

[@rayay248]

I never thought about dividing chores up into tidying and deep cleaning, but it makes so much sense. I may ask my partner their thoughts on this as I’m like Aaron in that I’m a really good tidy-er but I’m terrible about detailed cleaning.

[@PerksJ]

I’m autistic, my partner is AuDHD and I’d love for you to make more videos so I can relate to how to help them cope more.

[@AlexsGoogleAccount]

My ADHD went un-diagnosed until my mid-20s because I was never bad at school and I have friends with ADHD who act completely different than me. It was very validating to hear about you and your partner and how it manifests in different ways for you and how you've made little adaptations in order to be successful. I've been doing a lot of medical follow-ups over the last couple of years and small gradual changes have been the only way I've been able to make any behavioral/lifestyle changes. I feel optimistic after watching this.

[@zaraandrews600]

Me and my brain immediately getting distracted as the video starts and having to restart it to take in the information.

[@dragondungeon6986]

As someone from a neurodiverse family, who is neurodiverse and dating a neurodiverse person I really appreciated this. The clear and concise way you present the information really helps things click for me and it's nice to know some of the strategies we came to naturally are good methods. This also highlighted some areas of growth for me that will be really helpful moving forward!

[@jameswarden5312]

recently diagnosed AHDH here and still figuring out how to manage it, thank you for your videos!

[@iwishihadseenthatlol]

I recommend HowToADHD for the best info on KZbin 😊 congratulations on your diagnosis and starting learning about it!

[@jameswarden5312]

I'll look into that, thank you :)

[@emmettjay1302]

The irony that this video is for Adhd'ers and has no time stamps or something to structure the listening. Its so easy to tune out with the rambling, conversational approach. Would love to see time stamps on ALL videos about neurodiversiy topics.

[@badkinsiscool]

My kid has adhd and I often become frustrated with him... I'm ashamed of this. I hope recognizing this and taking the steps to learn more about how I can adjust my own behavior helps. I appreciate your videos about this topic, and I look forward to more in the future. Thank you.

[@Peeledfruit]

I respect the honesty, I’m sure it’s tough! It’s sounds like you’re aware and actively trying to do better, you got this 💖

[@galeocean4182]

Keep in mind, parents get frustrated with kids that are not ADHD. All kids, are frustrating at times. They know how to get on your last nerve. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

[@cameronschyuder9034]

@@galeocean4182 You're right, though I thought OP was implying that they got frustrated at the behavior that was due to their ADHD, and not just ordinary kid antics, hence the shame. Which is understandable, the frustration -- I have ADHD and I get frustrated at my behavior too, so why wouldn't anyone else? Learning to have self-compassion as well as find alternative things that work, instead of trying the same thing that doesn't work and being upset about it, is key, imo. If it's due to the kid's ADHD, feeling frustration may be inevitable from time to time, but it's important to not take that frustration out on said kid, because they're not trying to do it on purpose; they have no other brain but their ADHD brain. If you do somehow take the frustration out on them unnecessarily, then apologizing when you get the chance can help the kid not carry the idea that they are a burden onto others into adulthood, and develop a better mindset overall.

[@ggundercover3681]

@@galeocean4182but let's applaud them for trying to undersatnd their kid. MOST parents don't try to actually accomadate and work with their kid. and i am very confident in saying most.

[@basilkat21]

It tickled me so much when you talked about your hyperfixation cleaning vs your partner's hyperactive tidying. My husband and I are the same way and clean on different floors of the house ao I dont get overwhelmed 😂

[@VeroSD]

I have a partner with ADHD and I feel both so seen/validated for some of the things I experience (frustrations and hurt) but also uplifted that I've been doing some of the practical things right (trying to 'play to their strength' and having a shared list/calendar). Thank you for this video. I have to admit that I struggle with finding the right balance between acknowledging and giving space for his ADHD but not enabling. I guess it's probably one of those things where we'll have to keep working at it until we find what works for us.

[@merchantarthurn]

Things that have helped me (both stuff in this video and outside): Do things 'weird' - storing things where theyre useful rather than 'normally stored', blitz tidying (i believe people call it 'june bugging'?) rather than focusing on one area, hard time limits on my white whale tasks (e.g. dishes); etc Practicing a pause-pace approach to emotions and reactions to asynchronous communication (especially if im angry/starting an argument). This means writing out my feelings then doing something else before sending those feelings (self regulating) then rereading and editing as necessary. This took a LOT of practice because im so impulsive but it has made me SO much calmer overall Paired with above - if i slip up and act on a high emotion, communicating as soon as im able & apologising if suitable. Being proactive is a big part of this & itll usually be within the same conversation. I do this a lot (mutually) with my partner and its doubly good because now we know each other well enough to tell if a harsh tone is Meant or just a case of overstimulation or momentary emotional disregulation. Divvying up tasks and not doing them for myself all the time - i LOVE laundry, partner loves dishes. We regrettably are long distance because those are the thing the other hates most!! But on top of divvying things up, ive found i can do thing easily if theyre for others. So inviting people over when my house is a mess gives me the motivation to do chores, because i want them to be comfortable in a nice clean space! 'Give in' to SOME focus draws: if im going to be unable to focus when wfh until the mess in the kitchen is clean, not cleaning the kitchen seems foolish - especially since it has a defined end and wont take long. Make distraction inconvenient: i am watching this on a tablet right now, because having youtube on when working helps me to focus. But if its on my laptop, i can easily multitask on other distractions and do no work! On a tablet its too much of a pain to end up on twitter simultaneously 😂

[@brendalg4]

Do you have tips to stop myself from arguing?

[@Shadowwing1994]

"Don't take it personally" is a lot easier said than done. I think it's ok to recognize that you're maybe not meant to be in that person's life and leave the friendship (or relationship). The parent/child dynamic is hard to break especially when there's no willingness to improve or even taking any responsibility on the side of the ADHD person. Not everything can be worked on and it's ok to realize that you're not compatible.

[@Sarah-re7cg]

“Grating on his nervous system” evokes such an intense, visceral reaction from me and I just want to say thank you because maybe if that’s how I describe how AWFUL certain sounds and other sensory input are like just too intense and unpleasant, people will get a better idea of my reality. I have adhd too and I think I need to be assessed for autism as well.

[@mightme6887]

My partner, J, and I both have ADHD, but our symptoms are completely the opposite of each other. We are also caretakers for an elderly relative, M, who has lived a neurotypical life, but is experiencing cognitive changes, with age. The amount of conflict that we deal with because nobody has a practical grasp of how the brain of the other two functions is amazing. Examples: 1) J and M both think that I haven't put something away because they can see it, but it lives out in plain sight because that is where it is used, so it is- in fact- put away, despite the fact that it isn't out of sight. The reason that it lives where it is used is because the task of getting the thing out and ready to use creates too many opportunities for me to get distracted, and and not get done what I need to do. 2) M, drives J and I crazy because she keeps trying to give us advice that doesn't take our neurodivergence into account, and doesn't understand that it only ever worked for her because her brain functions in a fundamenaltally different way than ours do. 3) M and I both get exasperated because J's greatest weakness is task initiation. If we ask him to do something, it may be hours before it gets done- and that's only if ge doesn't forget about it altogether. We all have a lot of love for one another, don't get me wrong. We just have need of some guidance in understanding how each of us works, so that we can better understand how to help each other out.

[@recoveringsoul755]

If I put something away where I can't see it, I forget about it and then it doesn't get done. My father was similar in organization skills. He organized papers by having stacks of papers laying all over flat surfaces like dining tables and countertops My husband claimed he was "helping" me to clean by completely rearranging all of my organization systems. Then I couldn't find ANYTHING!!! I had to call him multiple times a day after one of his ambush cleaning phases to ask where is the stack of bills I need to pay? He always says Somewhere in the house. Just please don't touch my stuff!! I cannot function when you destroy my system of organization. Is get so depressed every time he "helped". I didn't go to his place of employment and rearrange all of his work stuff. By cokur coding it, it organizong by middle name it whatever arbitrary method I choose. Why does he eff with my system when it's working, he even rearranged the dishes in the kitchen so I couldn't find anything right where I left it.

[@emilyboj]

Oof #1 really speaks to me. Both the people I live with are Audhd, while I've just got asd. So I see the mess as a list of tasks to do, and they find it essential to remembering their items even exist. We've had to clearly designate which areas are "leave things out for practicality" areas and which areas are "put things away for sanity" areas.

[@allison5168]

@@emilyboj Hi! Would you be able to expand on how you decide on these areas? I just moved in with my partner who is ADHD (and probably somewhat Autistic) and we're in the process of balancing how to accommodate his need to see things and the barrier that creates for me (with some depression) to initiate cleaning when things are already "out of place". And it gives me so much peace of mind to have my space "tidy" with nothing out, while it creates more steps for him that make it harder to save spoons for other tasks.

[@Passions5555]

​@@emilybojI would be interested in knowing that system as well.

[@emilyboj]

@@allison5168It was a slow process of figuring out the right system in different areas that bothered me, and figuring out when to just tune it out. So some examples: • anything that happens past their side of the bed is none of my business. The only thing I'll check is that nothing has fallen on the baseboard heater. • The messiest spot in the livingroom was always just next to their side of the couch, because they switch hobbies so often. I can make do with a basket, cause I can work on the same hobby for a month. But they needed an arrangement where they have a shelf full of options so they can switch 2-4 times per evening without creating a huge pile. (As long as stuff is technically *in* the shelf, it's none of my business and doesn't get added to my mental list) • In other cases the trick has been finding the storage solution that best balances usability for them but is organized enough at a glance that I don't lose my mind. Depending on the use case we both like drawers, and storage bins especially if they are lidless and labelled or decorated in a way that makes them distinct from the other bins. • With our roommate this is an area that's been pretty easy. Her entire room is chaos but it doesn't matter because it's *none of my business*. I will occasionally check her baseboard heater as well, but that's it. She's been pretty good at returning anything to her room by the end of the night that she took out that day, and is usually good at bringing out any dishes she used. All those examples have worked out pretty well. If anything is gonna truly drive me nuts it's gonna be how easily dirty dishes get ignored when they're sitting in plain sight, clearly needing to be cleaned, and when they finally do get washed some of the "clean" dishes *will still have dirt on them*.

[@corn7287]

I would LOVE to get a more in-depth video on Tip #3. My partner has ADHD and OCD (in addition to a couple other brain/body things) and it means that I've had to do a lot of work on my end to adjust to the reality of her struggles (e.g. she does just take an hour to work up the motivation to take a shower and an additional hour to actually shower). I sometimes worry that I'm swinging too far towards enabling her, but it's so hard to tell what a reasonable way to handle things is - is it fair to be frustrated when she talks nonstop for ten minutes without leaving good space for us to have a back-and-forth conversation? Is it fair to resent all the work it takes on my end to chivvy her into starting a task? Should I be speaking up more about how it's affecting me, or should I be speaking up less, and keeping all my emotional processing to the realm of journalling and talking to others? The advice about taking responsibility for our own emotions and expressing them in a non-accusatory way while also asking your partner to play a part in that repair of the hurt feelings was excellent, and I will definitely be keeping it in mind. I feel I haven't fully understood the part about setting limits around behaviours, though - how do I help enforce those boundaries? Especially without feeling like a nagging parent? And how do I do it without massively draining my own resources in the process, because it can get exhausting standing there going "c'mon you wanted to get started on your health card application, all the cool kids are filling out their health card applications, I'll go do this other productive thing while you start your health card application" and sometimes it's more energy than it would be if I were to just do the thing for her. I would love to see a longer explanation of finding that balance, especially if it comes with specific examples. Thank you for the work you do! Love your videos!

[@ariannas4253]

I second this request!!!

[@NoiseDay]

I would also like more info on enabling vs setting boundaries vs support. I (ASD) cook breakfast for my ADD sister before she goes to work. My dad often tells me not to enable her and that adults need to learn how to do things for themselves. My response so far is to overexplain in the belief that he still doesn't understand that my sister is disabled and needs accommodations. Still, I worry about the equality of give and take. Maybe in a few years she'll be helping me pay rent, but right now all she can do is go to work. Any reasons I give for her lack of help around the house feel like excuses. But at the end of the day, I love my sister. I want her to start her day off right and cooking breakfast is far easier for me than it is for her. Why do I need to keep score of every thing we do for each other? How do I know when I'm being taken advantage of?

[@cameronschyuder9034]

@@NoiseDay Is she showing you adequate appreciation for your help? Paying you to compensate for your work? Or anything at all on her end that feels like a good compromise. If not, then you're probably being taken advantage of/taken for granted, regardless of whether it's intentional or not. Perhaps she's unaware that you as her sibling are not obliged to attend to her every need and that reciprocity. Also, can she eat something she prepared the night before, and/or get something quick outside? I wonder if there are alternative options that don't put as much of a burden on you. People should not need to feel pressured to be independent if they don't want to and have the ability to have a caretaker, but I think you make it clear you don't want to be her caretaker for free -- and that is perfectly valid.

[@lisadoes]

As someone who has ADHD, I cannot imagine how difficult it is to deal with OCD as well. I know someone with OCD, and for them, the shower struggle is real. It sounds like the level of support that you are providing is unsustainable *for you*. Your needs are as important as your partner’s, and you can’t support your partner if you aren’t supported as well. I’m not a healthcare professional, but I feel like you should be allowed to communicate your feelings surrounding this. It also sounds like your partner’s symptoms could possibly be managed more (as in more professional help), because their level of avoidance sounds debilitating, to some extent.

[@lisadoes]

@@NoiseDay It’s really nice of you to do things for your sister. Does she even realize that you are accommodating for her? Sometimes people take others for granted without even having a clue. I guess that what you do should fall inside of your comfort zone, but if your sister doesn’t appreciate what you are doing for her, she may be taking advantage of you. You are the one who should decide whether you want to do things for her. There are ways for her to manage without you cooking breakfast, but if you want to do it, that’s up to you.

[@symonemartinez_art7477]

Sometimes its hard being surrounded by people with ADHD. Being the only neurotypical person in the house it feels like everyone is always talking at me and no one actually cares about me or what i have to say. It also feels like im the one that has to emotionally support everyone else since im the only neurotyoical one in the house.

[@nikkibleh8045]

This is how I feel in my friend group. But it gets bad because one of them is very hypocritical. She cuts people off, doesn't listen, never catches herself, doesn't care when it happens to someone else. But God forbid my other adhd friend is distracted when #1 is talking to her, it's instant attitude, rudeness and stonewalling the rest of the night.

[@coyoteinthepool]

​@nikkibleh8045 I am surrounded by neurodivergent people, am myself, and worked for years in the social services and.... she just kinda sounds like a bad friend. Being neurodivergent alone doesn't usually make you a jerk in that way.

[@coyoteinthepool]

That sounds so isolating! Being alone and feeling over-burdened and as if you are picking up the pieces of everyone else sucks. In the end though, you are allowed to have boundaries. You can't be their emotional sponge forever. You aren't happy now, and later you'll break down. (I say this, but also making boundaries with people you love is hard as heck!! I became a hermit to do so which is NOT a good method! XD)

[@pixywings]

@@nikkibleh8045 Sounds like she's not a very good friend. Being neurodivergent is not an excuse to be an asshole!

[@laundrygoddess4]

I feel this in my soul. I try so hard to be there for my kids to support them and my daughter couldn't care less what's going on with me. I'm all alone and no one supports me

[@rachelplummer8955]

Oh wow, definitely showing this to ny partner - he really struggles with 'telling me what to do' in his eyes, but the part about how it doesn't feel good to get to the end of the day and realise your executive dysfunction has been running rampant, was so well expressed and I think it might help him recognise that it's actually a massive help for him to say "if you feel like getting something done, a load of laundry would be great"

[@xj485]

Please would you consider making a video on the topic of parentification / emotional incest / enmeshment, particularly around men and their mothers? I know you’ve been talking about some men related subjects on the podcast, and I would love to get your point of view on this too

[@NoiseDay]

Seems like this is a hot topic lately. I wonder why it popped off?

[@Passions5555]

​@@NoiseDaytic toc

[@cassiafaehayden3683]

Body doubling doesn't really help me. But what I noticed does is when I complete a task, even if it's a small one, I message my bf about it n tell him everything I got done. N most ppl tend to b all like yeah u got these things done, so, no big deal, that would take me minutes. But he knows that sometimes small tasks cn take me all day. Not jus because of ADHD, but because I also have auto immunes. So when I tell him I got a lot of little things done, he knows for me that was a really good n really big day. So he acts proud of me, which helps encourage me to get even more done. It's really helpful for me

[@ilTHfeaa]

me (adhd) and my bf (neuro-typical) don’t live together yet but we’ve already talked about the chore situation i was like “i’ll never do the dishes if we have to do them by hand” bc omfg i hate wet hands and he was like “that’s fine i’ll do the dishes” lol so i’m kinda excited to move in with him bc he’ll respect my sensory issues. like we’ll figure out a plan that works for us and i’m just excited to see how it works out 😅

[@hannahj489]

More of this. It not only helps me (adhd) but also helps me help my partner help me (non english speaking and not adhd)

[@delphinewartelle8106]

MICKEY! You missed an opportunity to say cleaning the grout is... groutifying 😁

[@sidneywren5315]

Thank you for the ideas. I have gone from living and coping on my own to living with my mother again after the passing of my father to help her. I highly suspect she has ADHD and trying to be supportive, understanding and maintain a semi clean house while working full time has gotten harder and harder, there are definitely some new approaches for me to try here.

[@user-kv6jz6fy7z]

Mickey, I appreciate you so much. Thank you If you think it's valuable, could you do a video focused on tips for neurodivergence in both partners? Nobody acknowledges the escalated difficulty in a relationship where both ppl are struggling this way. 'The adhd affect on marriage' is a book that kinda pissed me off by just ignoring that as a reality, and giving no practical tips for us 🙈🙉🙊

[@tbrown9812]

Hi Mickey, first time commenter. I have not been diagnosed with ADHD but have noticed that depression and anxiety conditions can make executive function difficult as I've experienced for the past 3 yrs making work and home life seem like and endless struggle. Great point about sensory overload. I find great difficulty in having this be understood and have been told I'm overreacting or being too sensitive. Thank you for the tip of body doubling. I often wish I could get help in things I need to do but which my anxiety makes me adverse even though I know logically it is beneficial. It makes me feel seen that asking for that helps in that is not an absurd request and idea but a great way to cope. Thank you for your compassionate post. ❤🙏🏽

[@thebackpackingbookwyrm]

Both my spouse and I have adhd. Some ways we are the same and some we are opposite. We are in a hetero appearing / raised relationship and I believe the ways we are so different have to do with how each of us were raised, along with the fact that he was diagnosed as a kid and I was an adult and spent my childhood trying desperately to "make up for" the symptoms of my adhd to survive. Great tips!

[@BaddeGrasse]

I appreciate this info to help be a better partner!! I also wanna use this space to appreciate having a place to watch videos where i dont have to be prepared to hear people use the word "psychotic" to describe cruel/evil behaviour ❤ i feel like in all other places i go online its gotten a lot more frequent and im kinda sick of going through life having to mentally prepare myself to hear how stigmatised psychosis is - Mickey's channel means a lot to me

[@aloevera533]

Misophonia awareness is huge. Thank you.

[@sleepystrugglz4586]

This is very helpful! I'd love more videos on this topic, as my husband struggles often with his ADHD symptoms and coping and how I can best help him. Also, I'd love to see more from a family dynamic perspective, as his mother struggles to deal with both his ADHD and her own thinking, which comes from a very internal perspective with her, and I'd love to share some of your content with her, esp. as she's resistant to therapy for herself and her own struggles.

[@CoventinaSoapery]

Just discovered your channel & subscribed 😊 Im in my 50s & pretty much convinced I have ADHD, not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm AUDHD.Channels like yours have really helped me understand what might be going on with me, so thank you so much ❤ Well, I made the step to talk to finally talk to my GP! I was told I have to fill in a questionnaire & provide an impact statement. Well, that was around 3 weeks ago & I've not got on it. Honestly, I despair of myself sometimes... I will do it, but its that damn task initiation thing. Its not that its out of sight out of mind either, I regularly think about what I might write in the statement, but then it's gone out of my head in a heartbeat. Anyway, thanks for your work xx

[@alyciakay89]

This is so validating for me. I, too, get overwhelmed and irritable if I'm trying to focus on something someone is saying and there's a bunch of background noise, multiple people talking at the same time, etc.... it feels "chaotic" to me, and I never connected it to "sensory issues" before (as silly as that may sound).

[@sunlightempress]

My ADHD partners (including the one I have now) says IDK a lot. They don't know how they feel, how to regulate, how to receive feedback without becoming dysregulated, how to actually execute changes that are permanent. It's literally impossible to set boundaries if my ADHD partner can never wholebrainedly agree. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to hurt him and I'm tired of letting him meet his own needs but blowing mine off. I go to therapy and my own therapist tells me that IDK doesn't give me anything to work with and he has to come up with something. What is there to even come up with? He won't seek therapy, a doctor, medication, or even KZbin therapy content. My prior ADHD partner was the same. I am completely at a loss...

[@ch890333]

Separate chore!!!! What wonderful way to undercut the argument around chore!!!

[@blondefro]

Thk u for keeping these short snd to the point

[@nyotaakito4979]

Three friends of mine have Adhd and this was very helpful. Definetly more videos like this!

[@Tabbycalico21]

Really amazing. I struggle with ADHD and I have for a very long time since I've been a child, and it's always nice to give advice for my partner so that way it's not just me who has to learn all the stuff we can both learn how to live with my condition

[@jaxmartino5009]

Thank you so much for making this video, it makes me feel so seen 🥺🥺🥺

[@watchmethriving]

This was great! I am really looking forward to your video on sensory issues!

[@m2w2k]

Thank you, I've been searching for a long time for practical solutions for us . Thanks a lot 🙏🏿

[@darcyroyce]

this reminds me of the little strategies we had in place with my ex-husband, and how, through our years together, we grew as a team. :) x

[@high-bi-password]

Loved this!!! Felt at times called out in a good way 😂😂

[@not.samcooke]

thank you SO much for this! it’s been a struggle but this advice is really helpful ❤

[@jlbnerdy]

Thank you SO much! My partner is neurodivergent & I will take alllll of the suggestions out there.

[@nicholasbestevaar6064]

This is so helpful for me. A friend with ADHD and I are getting to know each other. Feels like there may be possibility for romance to develop, but whatever unfolds this really helps me understand how I can support her as a friend. Thanks!

[@Gigislaps]

I almost didn’t click on this but am really glad I did!

[@mentally-ill-mary]

Hi Mickey! Would you possibly consider making a video on the topic of MDD (major depressive disorder) and how that coincides with other diagnoses such as ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD & etc. i’m currently suffering and it’s so hard to even motivate myself out of bed to seek help

[@SaraxAdam]

Thank you for this video! Most of my friends & my mom have ADHD, so I've been wanting some tools like these to be a good friend/daughter

[@oakfat5178]

That was brilliant! My ex and both my kids (in their 30s) have ADHD, and some of these will be a real help for me to keep in mind. I have a different neurodivergence, but executive dysfunction is a major issue, plus issues with processing conversations. I managed to cope by playing the clip at 3/4 speed and reading the subtitles. I loved the bit about paper & cardboard, like the ASMR from hell.

[@Cristinasintuition]

This was a great video. I believe my husband has ADHD based off my own research but also asking him if this is how he feels and he agrees with a lot of the information we have found but doesn’t care to see a doctor for an actual diagnosis. Videos like this one help us both to give him the support he never had. He’s learning more about himself and it’s helping us be a better team. We each have specific needs and function so differently. Showing each other equal respect and importance has really helped our relationship. We both feel seen and understood. Thank you for more tips to help us thrive!

[@tochterchenfrost4784]

i was looking for this kind of video a few weeks ago 😄 thank you very much!

[@dacksonflux]

I felt so called out when you mentioned emoting out the vacuum.

[@irene_in_progress]

I ALWAYS do the lint trap at the end, too 😂

[@down-to-earth-mystery-school]

I am so appreciative of this information! I believe both my husband and I are neurodivergent, possibly ADHD, or autism or both. Sometimes we get into arguments because we are still operating under neurotypical expectations, which are everywhere since we see children. Reframing, for sure.

[@Ryanneey]

Wow, this is an excellent video and came at a perfect time . I am 3 hours into a deep cleaning the house because I am also a fixator. It's nice to hear about other people experiencing the same thing. It makes me feel more normal :) Ps. Regarding the sound, I can't handle the sound of two car windows open on opposite sides. I wonder if anyone experiences that :)

[@mogwai_]

I can't handle when just the front or just the back or just one side is open. Has to be opposite corners, or 3+ open

[@Ryanneey]

@@mogwai_ I am totally with you 😊

[@betteramulet50]

The sound of cars in general bothers me. Much prefer PT.

[@mogwai_]

@@betteramulet50 lol I'd take a car over bus sounds any day o.O funny how different everyone is

[@megapiglatin2574]

Aww I am proud of my partner and I after listening to this video! :) We are both ADHDers (he is FAR more hyperactive, I am FAR more inattentive) and we actually employ all of these strategies! Some intentionally, some unintentionally (but it works). Feels validating to hear it from an outside, professional resource. 😊

[@ibrandieshay]

They are very helpful. Glad I found your channel.

[@ilovechonkyrats]

When you gave advice for going to therapy in the beginning of the video was so scared to not find better help in there. And i'm glad i didn't. You re doing an amazing job, thanks a bunch

[@whatwouldyouchoose]

mickey, could you do a video over aba therapy for autistic children? i would love to hear your thoughts. i know many parents who turn to it are very desperate for help and i would like to hear good alternatives for aba. love your videos!! thanks! ❤

[@NoiseDay]

Hello, I am autistic. My sister works at an ABA clinic and I genuinely think she is saving lives. I have heard all about how abusive aba can be and I was extremely skeptical when she started working there. Her clinic is doing so well for both the kids and the employees that other local clinics started copying them. ABA is not a bad word. We don't need to be defensive when it is mentioned. It's the practitioners, their philosophy, and how they treat children that we need to look out for. I do not want to invalidate anyone who has been abused in the name of ABA. I have seen the work my sister does. She would never mistreat children and her employers know what they are doing. If a parent or caregiver does their research, ABA may be what their kid needs to thrive.

[@curiosfiligree8479]

These are helpful. I find working out what my bugbears are for tasks I already dislike and doing work arounds beneficial. Personally I hate when something gets stuck in the vacuum and I have to dismantle the whole vacuum to make it work again, so I will sweep prior to vacuuming if there is lots of debris on the floor. The one caviat I have about body doubling for me is that the person who is the body double has to not paying attention to me and or doing their own related or different tasks. I've had people unsolicitedly try to manage or direct me on the task I'm doing and it just makes it harder for me. The amount of times I have become grumpy when cleaning because someone is excessively commenting about my cleaning or back seat driving how I clean.

[@curiosfiligree8479]

Also taking advantage whenever motivation arrives. Yes I am hanging out laundry at 8/9pm, because that's when I have the most energy, right before I crash to sleep

[@yavannapr]

Glad that your example talks a lot about coexistence with in a household. Specially when you have more than multiple family member that are under the Neurodivergence umbrella, its get complicated. Been able to support each other while you at the same time are in need of support is hard.

[@BeccasBoxerDogs]

Love your videos, thank you!

[@alicewiggins966]

Heyyy love your energy!!!! Just subscribed, 2nd your wall is so so pretty but a little framing tweak (I film and edit for other creators) higher chair, camera up😁

[@k.johnson1776]

Thank you so much. I'm having problems with my two favorite people on Earth my father and my daughter. I need them to understand and I think this video may help

[@claritybadb]

I sent this to my partner (we both have adhd) and shared it with another KZbin creator (who thinks he may) 😂 if you make em, I'll keep sharing em! Thank you so much 💓 💗 💛 💖

[@maddy78912]

This video was so helpful thank you! I feel like some of these thing are things I have naturally implemented in my relationship with my partner (who we think very likely has ADHD), so that's also quite validating!

[@Glitteryteddy]

My entire immediate family has adhd and one issue is their love of novelty where as i run on routine! Playing to our strengths are fairly easy but keeping things a level of new or exciting to keep them involved without overwhelming me is a real hassle

[@MetalSqueak05]

I loved this. My only problem is reminders. Is it crossing that enabling line to have to remind him of everything? If it's not about work, he won't remember. Birthdays, anniversaries, doctor appointments, important needs done ASAP, bills, phone calls, and on and on and on. He'll gladly do anything I ask him or remind him, but I feel like that's going too far into parent habit territory to have to give him a chore list and schedule his whole life for him.

[@knitwitchpgh]

Side note, as a auDHD person, your wall is the best 😂 i feel weird just staring at KZbinrs too even though I KNOW you can't see me, but having tchotchkes to look at makes me happy 😂😂

[@Rei-invented]

I'm New and AuDHD with CPTSD and Fibromyalgia, nice to meet y'all!

[@maggutz]

There has been so much misinformation and almost seemingly deliberate stigmata being thrown around recently, it’s nice to see a voice advocating for everyone with this advantage

[@meghaffer]

Both my husband and kiddo are hugely helped by body doubling. I get really overwhelmed by sounds and the way my husband turns every thought in his head into a university lecture. That said, if I want him to do the dishes, I'll put up with his loud music and his ramblings while he washes. I'll also put up with my kiddo's music while sitting with her through homework. Then I ask they respect my need for being left alone in silence while I recover from the sensory onslaught of their stuff. Mostly it works for our family

[@PlebeianGoth]

Nailed it! Thanks for making this video!

[@485OCEAN]

i love this channel sooooo effing much, thank u

[@raypelser7606]

loved this ! please do more , including other disorders

[@ohkaygoplay]

You feel the same way about the lint trap, too?!?! AH!!! I thought it was just me. My sensory issues are with sound and touch. As for being a detailed cleaner, I am the same way! I was finally diagnosed at age 41 last year with ADHD and autism (the autism was a shock to discover.). Me, and everyone around me were 75% sure I had ADHD, but just ignored it and expected me to be a neurotypical, and then punished me for...not being that. I'm still processing anger at everyone in my past who let me fall through the cracks.

[@kerrischlosser1823]

This was awesome!

[@abigailb8206]

This was so helpful! I’d love to see a video on how to manage conflict with a partner who has ADHD (if there are any communication tips like with reactivity etc)

[@metalgod542]

I have AuDHD and my wife suspects she has ADHD and possibly bipolar disorder. This video is incredible. It shamed me to say so, but our apartment is quite dirty. We struggle to just focus on getting things done. I will 100% be taking these tips home with me. Thank you!

[@tinachristine4573]

New sub. I ❤ the chat you had with your husband around men who hate women.

[@jassy0903]

Yes but how do you talk to someone about their ADHD when they don't believe it's a real diagnosis (you know the type). My boss who is amazing in every other way but her ADHD kicks in every afternoon where she wants me to stop what I'm doing and rearrange everything in our entire office for no reason. It happens on the daily. Since I'm her subordinate I have to do what she says

[@scarlettredding]

I've experienced some real toxic behavior from certain ppl I've known with adhd ... lack of self awareness about how much it's effecting their life. Also taking it out on me and being mean to me when their adhd is kicking up but claiming up and down they don't need meds 😓 it was really hurtful but only a couple experiences like that overall.

[@twylenb]

You can talk about ADHD without using the word. You can talk about the symptoms, without associating it with the diagnosis. If there's a specific way she makes you rearrange everything, maybe you can slightly pry and see what need exactly she's trying to fill. Is it hard to find things? Is it a need for spontaneity? Or is it something mostly unrelated to ADHD like the need to have control over the environment and the people in it? Behaviors can have all sorts of causes.