How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping, Severing Your Spine

Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.

[@Chris-jw8vm]

The man not only let the accident define him. He made a living off it. An inspiration to us all.

[@ThatPianoNoob]

wait.. do you think this man had an accident? I thought something was off. Like the way he is waxing the floor Id say he has at most 95% of the normal range of motion!

[@damienwilloughby]

🤣

[@Acidlib]

@@ThatPianoNoob and having to sit down in the middle of mopping??? I think _someone_ could use some more cardio! Ahuhuhuh 🧔‍♂️😅🥔

[@midshipman8654]

agreed. more people should let accidents define them I think.

[@Derek_Wyld]

It's all he has lmao

[@xagon2012]

"Which one of these 8 children who need a heart transplant is actually gonna get one." lmao. Their smiles and delivery. So good.

[@ryanexx5250]

Sad but hilarious

[@someolddude7076]

Kids these days, waiting for someone else to give them a heart. Why don’t they get a job or grow their own.

[@sochiolympics8427]

They should make that into a tv show. It’s like a game show but instead of playing for money, they play for their lives.

[@BrocoliMan2002]

@@sochiolympics8427 funny

[@mombosibes107]

@@someolddude7076 It's not like you need a heart all the time. With some organization, one heart can easily be shared by 8 little children or two fat guys.

[@mombosibes107]

Poor kids, they need a transplant at such young age. I pray to God that a good samaritan donate 200 hearts.

[@chickenman8272]

🤭 I don’t

[@anonb4632]

Doesn't an earthworm have multiple hearts? Maybe one of them could donate a few.

[@shadezgaming6209]

He’s referencing another Onion video where someone donated Like hundreds of organs to the hospital

[@shmelvin4659]

Nice to see that someone appreciates my work. It’s very sad because my nearest hospital doesn’t accept my offerings so I perform the surgery to people on the streets. Now that I think about it they don’t thank me either!

[@libertyprime619]

@@shadezgaming6209 kidneys

[@TheFGrox]

Jerry's explanations of his tips were oddly specific. I'm starting to suspect that he witnessed a relative being injured while waxing the floor.

[@damoji5332]

Are you sure? He might just have a wild imagination

[@imark2569]

Nice of you not to jump to conclusions. Good to see someone listened to Jerry’s first tip

[@Meta-Drew]

@@ddd-op5wy I agree. Maybe casual viewers missed it but those of us with keen skills of observation realized that he was in a wheelchair. It was subtle, to be fair

[@emitain8408]

I think Jerry was the one who fell but sure.

[@emitain8408]

@bual What? I simply meant that Jerry was likely the one who got the injury.

[@morbiusprime2043]

The lifeless fake jolly responses from the anchors to this man's misery are so brilliant

[@humantacos9800]

GMA in a nutshell.

[@Ron.S.]

Can’t make up my mind which kid deserves the heart most 🤔

[@jeffheyer7783]

I think that’s the whole point lol.. reminds me up the anchors on “Don’t look up.”

[@1marcelfilms]

Its the way he repeats things but louder

[@christopherwonch1726]

fake?

[@nahfam9716]

Can we just take a moment to appreciate both of the hosts acting abilities? They perfectly nail the fake-happy phonyness of daytime talk show hosts.

[@celebrityrog]

This isn't acting and it isn't phony. It's real and happened on Today Now

[@danielvandam]

This guy is acting perfectly like kent brockman lmao

[@slovnicurling9808]

No.

[@KiloWattPlays]

I guess the news casters of ''don't look up'' were inspired by this

[@forestcityfishing4749]

Its not acting...these are genuine fakes.

[@Japanesable]

"DO hold your wife in your arms everyday while you can!" Love this

[@MCVessels]

@@generalguy6211 One out of two ain't bad.

[@titaniumdiveknife]

Dear God....

[@TommyAngelo1337]

And there are 12 pages of that.

[@Derek_Wyld]

@@TommyAngelo1337 lmfao I didn't notice that

[@adrenalineactivate]

DON'T ask your husband to wax the floor Should be in the tip too 😂

[@Scrubwave]

Kinda feels like he's talking from experience.

[@milboxr9772]

Scrub Wave eh possibly but I doubt it...

[@Marquis-Sade]

Its called "Being an actor".

[@NachiLeFay]

Marquis obviously you fucktard. Learn some sarcasm

[@joeyrasmussen8394]

I think he was just tired and needed to sit down for minute

[@wallj8720]

@@Marquis-Sade r/whooosh

[@missc2742]

Thank Goodness for the onion news!! You don't know how many times I've slipped while waxing a hardwood floor an ended up severing my pesky fifth thoracic vertebra! Keep up the good work, great tips!

[@fieldy409]

Im guessing once?

[@onemanarmyoma0155]

@@bobbrown3469 And: no jumping!

[@MCNarret]

Just get two spines lmao

[@ChildOfGo_D]

fieldy409 you don’t have multiple spines? Weirdo.

[@Im.Smaher]

How many times did it lead to a nasty divorce?

[@Buphido]

I love how detailed his safety instructions were. It clearly shows that he's played through this scenario in his head over and over again, laying awake at night for hours just thinking about the countless ways how suffering a fate some would claim to be worse than death from something as trivial as waxing a kitchen floor could possibly be avoided. It's almost like he's got personal and deeply scarring and traumatising experience or something.

[@Killerbee_McTitties]

I think you're overthinking it, he propably just read about it while on the shitter

[@Fugue602]

"So, really, it is her fault that you're now trapped in a prison-like body." LMAO

[@The_Totes_Adorbs]

You didn't write this comment.

[@rfox2163]

lmao

[@The_Totes_Adorbs]

@@fuckjoebiden You also dropped out of school, I assume in the 6th grade?

[@miguelsalazar1059]

@@fuckjoebiden ooga booga politics ooga

[@kermitenthusiast485]

@@The_Totes_Adorbs who tf asked

[@BinkieMcFartnuggets]

It's good to see someone trying to help other people from making the same mistakes. A lot of people would encourage people to wax floors so they don't have to be alone. Jerry is a true hero.

[@onemanarmyoma0155]

@@bobbrown3469 Or jumping.

[@FixedFace]

BinkieMcFartnuggets always delighted to see a comment of one of the old masters of yt

[@wizzlet6821]

@@FixedFace I dont see him a lot nowadays

[@l.pietrobon3925]

Why does this comment have a scrolling bar

[@wompstopm123]

this guys channel right here is a gold mine, he hasnt uploaded in 7 years though, must have had some kind of floor waxing accident

[@Inediblehulk]

"Fake" or not, the part about NEVER trying to jump the waxed part is solid advice! Especially if you're judging distance merely by where the glare ends. You may not sever your spine, but you'll almost certainly damage your ass.

[@coojordan]

They nailed the passive-agressive feel perfectly!

[@stevester9148]

Awwwww, knowing that one of these kids will be saved absolutely melted my heart :) I mean sure, seven of them will die, but still it's really touching.

[@chris10thetilted77]

Awful how are you going to so casually speak about your 'heart melting' you take for granted what 7 children don't have. How heartless.

[@thegk-verse4216]

7 kids need a hearth and you plan on melting yours ? You don't deserve it, locking your doors won't stop me from saving one of those kids

[@Brib8888]

@@chris10thetilted77 That pun better have been intentional

[@Hoplasa]

@@Brib8888 i choose to believe that it was intentional xD allthough he did nail those retard comments you see all youtube

[@odairbonfim]

At least they can help other children with lungs, kidneys, livers, and other organs they won't be using.

[@KilgoreTraut]

Man, The Onion is so good at being simultaneously hilarious and depressing.

[@agresivemartinformerlyagre1850]

You know, I’m somewhat of a cool withdrawer myself.

[@KilgoreTraut]

@@agresivemartinformerlyagre1850 not all can handle the rigors of the cool withdrawing lifestyle, but it's well worth the effort

[@dickcastle]

This prob would be funnier if i didnt have s spinal cord injury at my 4th thoracic vertabrae

[@tommyfleur7649]

Hilarious

[@elviramadigan5296]

hahah

[@trebah662]

Fail

[@libbybollinger5901]

dick castle уф

[@dyslexiusmaximus]

Imao but also stay strong and love what you have.

[@twold4this]

'No, this is all that I have!' A brilliant finale to one of the best Today Now segments ever.

[@karlyohare7138]

These are so terrible yet funny in a dark way.

[@globalincident694]

She just discovered the concept of satire, don't mock her

[@StavroginNikolai]

Do you spit or swallow?

[@basedaudio1]

@Bambel someone's jealous of all those likes.

[@onemanarmyoma0155]

@Bambel Same goes for your shitty reply on her meaningless comment.

[@PirateStory]

That must be why they call it “dark comedy” 😂

[@nathanklinko4691]

THIS IS ALL I HAVE XD

[@brysonkuhn3290]

Wow 1k likes and no comments! Guess I'm the first

[@nathanhernandez7173]

@@brysonkuhn3290 beat me to it

[@based3211]

J

[@knoven-]

@@nathanhernandez7173 beatmeattoit

[@Mauhadeeb28]

I've been a quadriplegic since 85. This sketch was brilliant! I laughed my ass off! I would appreciate it if people without disabilities would shut their mouth and stop whining for/about folks like me. I may have lost the ability to walk but my sense of humor wasn't damaged. This skit is funny as hell!!! Please stop with the pity remarks. All it does is further disable 'our' disabilities... BTW... "Try and avoid severing your fifth thoracic vertebrae..." funnier than shit!!!

[@yungtooli]

are you still a quadriplegic?

[@naruii5160]

Brocard Evangeline he wasnt 85 years old dude

[@yungtooli]

Brocard Evangeline he said since 1985 not since age 85. he can be in his 30s still

[@DueySR]

@Brocard Evangeline He could've fallen out of a tree when he was 5 years old in 1985. Making him 40 years old today.

[@yungtooli]

Brocard Evangeline not really “since 85” indicates the year otherwise he wouldve said “since i was 85”

[@washworld8358]

I have so much respect for the two news casters, every episode they’re spot on with their acting.

[@cjheaford]

Fun Fact: Tracy Toth, the actress that plays Tracy Gill in this video is a multi-engine rated pilot that flys commercial Lear jets for a living. All while being an actress too.

[@doesntMetter1]

Don't you hate when you finnish mopping the floor and turn around just to find you left tire marks

[@adam_g.]

"so really it is her fault that you're now trapped in a prison like body--Well Jerry, it's so great that you do this!--this can only lead to years of resentment which will ultimately lead to an ugly divorce and some of the loneliest darkest years of your life" "Well Alright!" "Great!"

[@retrospectology]

The two actors who play the hosts are always so pitch perfect, the way they just breeze by any and all uncomfortable topics or things that happen on the show. Amazing.

[@gutar5675]

I can't believe I just realized how stupid of a name "Today Now" is. It's cause my mind has been desensitized with the thousands of stupid shows, like if I saw a new program called 'The Yesterday Today Show' or 'The Today Tomorrow Show' I wouldn't even think about it.

[@chickenman8272]

Senor Studly I know one called morning AM, like bruh

[@delta0x]

literally Last Week Tonight

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

GMA Today

[@silvasilvasilva]

@@delta0x I take that to mean "tonight, let's review what happened last week "

[@delta0x]

@@silvasilvasilva yep that's it that's the show

[@ColeJJJTurner]

Thought it would end with him falling and also breaking his spine after trying to take the mop

[@CountArtha]

No offense, but I'd sooner take advice on how to wax my floor from someone who did it right.

[@xgullafter9590]

CountArtha oh wow you're right!!! Why is he giving advice when he didn't do it right??1?1?1?

[@CogniVision]

The best advice is from people who experienced the worst of practice. How often do we ever listen to the 'right way' of doing things until we've experienced why we should do it the 'right way', after already severing our fifth thoracic vertebra? It's best to listen to the guy who can show you exactly why you don't want to fuck up!

[@martinlarsson8947]

Nah dude. The guy who did it auccessfully hasnt analyzed the pit falls.

[@Toochilledtocare-_-]

@@monswamp258 he knows its satire. don't be so quick to be a condescending ass

[@joeyrasmussen8394]

What? I think he did a great job. His condition is probably from some other accident or congenital disease. He was probably just trying to protect your peaky 5th thoracic vertebrae

[@GRBtutorials]

This... is actually good advice.

[@MrHatoi]

God the hosts of this show are absolutely perfect

[@MegaCritic23]

I must say. Tracy gill is very beautiful.

[@flybeep1661]

Her real name is also Tracy, except it's Tracy Toth.

[@ItumelengS]

I'd clean her waxed kitchen no doubt

[@onemanarmyoma0155]

@@ItumelengS And paint the walls as well!

[@DanmakuNyanNyan]

@@Greendragon420able You mean fill up the trunk?

[@Greendragon420able]

DanmakuNyanNyan yes

[@tomaspabon2484]

How is no one talking about how great a line "miss the floor by several feet?" Is

[@musicaccount3340]

Lol, good catch. But I am confused by what "missing the floor" means. I thought he jumped, slipped on a puddle of wax, and fell backward.

[@OrangeXenon54]

I LOVE how dark and well written this all is. Every time I watch this, my back starts hurting.

[@CrazyBrick30]

Got diggity DAYUM this episode was dark. A resentful paralyzed man, 7 dead children, and tips on turning a shelter into a sex dungeon. I miss these videos.

[@dontspikemydrink9382]

7? why would they be dead

[@CrazyBrick30]

@@dontspikemydrink9382 I see your critical thinking skills are lacking, so allow me to enlighten you: When someone needs a heart transplant, they mean a physical, literal heart that pumps blood throughout your body. Therefore without getting a needed transplant, you will surely die. Make sense yet? If not, I don't care. Read a book.

[@dontspikemydrink9382]

@@CrazyBrick30 but how long will they live, dkck

[@killeralltires]

@@CrazyBrick30 even if they do get the transplant 7 people have to die

[@CrazyBrick30]

@@killeralltires You're reading a little too much into a KZbin comment. I was just pointing out how dark the content of the satirical skit was.

[@NotMuchThanks]

This is exactly how dark I like my morning humor.

[@liamsmith5188]

I wonder how he got disabled

[@Ometecuhtli]

Probably by unloading the dishwasher

[@petergray2712]

Diving into his swimming pool after forgetting to fill it with water.

[@DM-of5sl]

A Black Friday accident involving a really really nice pair of pants

[@salmonfish1031]

NO THIS IS ALL THAT I HAVE GET AWAY Jerry bLOOM

[@salmonfish1031]

what the fuck did I type

[@sinsoftheswamp8346]

@@salmonfish1031 NO THIS IS ALL I HAVE GET AWAY Jerry bLOOM

[@S_Ribeiro]

"You stay right where you are."

[@EllieCollie]

Honestly this is a great video about how society views disabled people. They aren’t respecting him because he is disabled, they’re respecting him because he hates the fact he is disabled.

[@heikkipalola6760]

??? Of course people dont like being disabled? Its objectively a bad thing. Their respect for him has nothing to do with his disability and everything to do with his solid advice.

[@SMGJohn]

Turns out none of the kids got the heart, it was defective, they ordered it from Malay but the factory making them were making the adult variant so it would not fit, but worry not! Their bodies are now firmly in the factory making hearts for millions of kids!

[@abdulazis400]

What a heartwarming story, those kids become saviour for others kid who truly need a hearth. They are heroes

[@Mentaltoe]

Hahaha!! Such twisted satire on real life sad situations.. "I hope your getting all these good tips we're getting!" Lol

[@anna-ti2bo]

DON’T take for granted your ability to walk unassisted while waxing! (pg. 74-79)

[@stinkyham9050]

I followed all the instructions but got some wax in my eyes. Now I'm blind, where was the instructions to wear safety glasses? Thanks so much Onion news for your half ass attempt at informing the public on how to do this extremely dangerous task. Onion has blood on its hands!

[@hunterwilk]

Oh big man over here, walkin' around and shit. Sprayin' shit in his eyes over here. Literally still shittin' without a bag. Congrats big man. You like pissin' on the slightly more disabled? Doesn't need a shit bag cause he's still walkin' around and shit, bumpin' into shit. ohfuckhecan'treadthis.

[@supamanlova9250]

This is peak comedy, they don't make it like this anymore!! 10/10

[@supamanlova9250]

All the actors killed it too some funny shit

[@shaneh9591]

I seriously come back to this video every few years and die of laughter every time he says "Could you hand me that rag please" and just throws it on the floor lmfao

[@madscientistshusta]

I would pay 20$ a month for old onion☹

[@jonathantheslow]

They had to change their content to keep up with society’s changes on this type of humor.

[@Slade366]

@@jonathantheslow They were sold and changed ownership sometime in 2016. For a few years the new team tried to just be political but at least that aspect of the Onion has seemed to die down. Either way the glory days of the onion and the team that was behind it are loooong gone

[@ilikenicethings]

There must be someone out there that is attempting something similar on youtube? Not that I've found it yet but given the demand for it why would there be no supply?

[@CookIng-bs9nm]

This is the most trusted news channel

[@shy_sorai_vlogs]

Why is no one talking about how he asked to be handed the rag just to immediately throw it on the floor 😂😂

[@dominicmanriquez1645]

dude that shit took me out. i was looking for someone to comment this!

[@rum-ham]

He has to throw it on the floor himself, it's all he has!

[@JosiahSCooper]

"this is all I have" lol

[@TigerRose007]

Very well made instructions it's almost like he wrote it from experience amazing! My friend unfortunately did not follow the instructions given

[@ASweetShortCake]

“You know I just love cleaning my kitchen!” Awesome first line 😂

[@fireboltaz]

Onion should do a “where are they now” segment on these two hosts

[@smaller_cathedrals]

Well, we all know what happened to Pig Haggerty.

[@vertergaminghd399]

@@smaller_cathedrals I don't, what happened tk him? Looked him up didn't find much

[@ovzzzz]

@@vertergaminghd399 Look up Porkin' Across America.

[@FffffffffffffffffffffffffffffL]

Apparently Tracy went back to her old job as a pilot!

[@MastaSmack]

They're right there, trapped in a KZbin video.

[@AP-ep3xh]

what is this gold mine of a channel that I have stumbled upon?

[@kingkudzu352]

I love the way he dances around what’s really going on by just being passive aggressive.

[@swiftjeff]

It's good to see some of the good old days from time to time. When the KZbin algorithm gets it right a couple times a year.

[@free_microwave]

love how at the beginning he says to use safety shoes and not loafers, then at the end the host yeets his way through the wet floor in loafers and trys to wrestle the mop away while standing in it

[@ryans6280]

🤣🤣🤣

[@anthonysacco4718]

The two actors who portrayed the Today Now! hosts were SO TALENTED.....

[@andreworders7305]

He broke his spine waxing floors and it gave him the power to optimally wax floors. He can’t slip if he’s sitting down.

[@rockercaterrorencountered4924]

actually wheelchairs can slide on slippery surfaces. I have a wheelchair similar to this and I've skid on ice before. If you hit something or fall of a ledge you can get injured, so this guy is actually lining up to injure more of his spine XD

[@jerry3115]

It amazes me how they have so many of these intro animations

[@maxrochful]

Not only a great home hack but a bit of a medical advice too!

[@quenton444]

agreed dude...i lost my family when i was 6, i wish today i could just once say i love them. If you do have a family, tell them today, or ASAP that you love them and appreciate them taking care of you.

[@mombosibes107]

These videos are so funny. I have binge watcthing The Onion since I had this weird wax related accident were I couldn't stand up from the floor.

[@Phunurr]

This is incredibly bleak and joyless. Thanks ONN!

[@bigaurum]

cool

[@perigrin6]

Wow this was a dark news story

[@disliked1390]

It's crazy that Tracy did not get any acting jobs after this series. She's so great, her IMDB is a ghost town after this show

[@blank4700]

He severed his spine so we don't have to. Carefully, he's a hero.

[@moresnacksplease526]

This is great advice, I wasn't sure if I should sever my 4th or my 5th thoracic vertebrae

[@deepfried13]

i love the list of tips: "hold your wife in your arms everyday" hilarious

[@hubert9841]

While you still can

[@enclave2k1]

Thanks Jerry, now I have a spotless floor and L4/L5.

[@Baldurpet]

"Do hold your wife in your arms every day while you can" Oh wow, first that was funny but then like.. damn, he's never going to hold his wife again. Also the part at the end about the 7 kids not getting a heart transplant, this is some fucking dark shit right here.

[@musicaccount3340]

He even lost his wife, and is pretty lucky to have found a purpose in life instead of falling into alcoholism and depression. Pretty dark if you think about it.

[@kennysboat4432]

I'm glad they use experienced experts when they talk about such controversial issues.

[@dennycrain8384]

Oddly enough, this man was actually paralyzed after being shot during a robbery at the convenience store where he worked.

[@wendyokoopa7048]

Denny Crain at least he turned a negative to a positive

[@randmiller88]

Was he waxing the floor?

[@theguythatasked6400]

Well is he still with his wife?

[@paifu.]

Source?

[@jasoncr.5581]

This is so tasteless and obscene my spine is tingling with nausea. So good and not one swear word or boobie.

[@Alphae21]

What

[@DMS_Knighted_Drifter]

Yea old school ONN had great writing

[@hirumaredx]

haha that was funny, he talks about how he fell the whole time. "How to turn your fallout shelter into a sex dungeon".

[@hassanzaidi5843]

Omg hi love your vids 💙💙💙

[@jacobsigl1654]

I thought that's what everyone did

[@Drag0zard]

This needs to be an actual show

[@parableryan]

Onion News is always there to push the limits of comedy and humor. Awesome.

[@CultWhatever]

I love how they just ignore him

[@MCVessels]

Damn you're cold, JC

[@pearcepackman6163]

The fact that he’s trying not to laugh but failing at it gets me about this

[@selfloathinggameing]

Everyones talking about the acting but the camera pullback revealing that the guy is in a wheelchair is top notch

[@randomuploadsism]

When it zooms out and you realise he’s paralysed 😆😆😆

[@Raison_d-etre]

The thumbnail already gave it away.

[@TheGooglySmoog]

This show was so ahead of its time.

[@HaoSci]

I think he just described how he got paralyzed in details.

[@MrNinjaone1]

got any evidence ??

[@09makena]

I miss these small clips. Wish you guys could make more. I haven't found another place quite like yours.

[@PoorDeadFishy]

"Turning your fall-out shelter into a sex dungeon." Man I love these people.

[@Cenyon]

Evergreen content! Really some of the best short form comedy to ever grace the internet.

[@MLBuckProductions]

I love The Onion! So original, everytime!

[@johncochran8497]

Gotta admire the oddly specific warnings that are totally coincidental.

[@thefrogstronaut]

Im surprised Today Now never got picked up by adult swim for full length episodes

[@gbdeck200]

This has me balling in tears of laughter So good, the slow realization to what was happening So funny

[@bloblin1267]

"Dont let the hubris of good health cloud your judgement!"

[@titaniumdiveknife]

I lost it when that popped up. Bahahahahahahahaha

[@SudrianTales]

The anchors behavior is so like other morning news networks behavior I had to remind myself this was the Onion

[@jumbo6498]

Thank you, great video. How did he get put in the wheel chair?

[@jumbo6498]

Thank you for touching this topic. He slipped on the waxing floor and can not move his lower body.

[@jumbo6498]

Thanks

[@gore4975]

Did you wait two months just to reply to your own comment?

[@jumbo6498]

@@gore4975I happened to watch the same video twice

[@gore4975]

Nah dude I think he just happened to watch the same video twice

[@ianirwin9480]

Doing chores around the house is no joke. My cousin Sammy lost his left leg, 3 fingers and cat in a horrific dishwasher accident.

[@TheShazbah]

'NO! IT'S ALL THAT I HAVE!' line of the centuary..lol

[@schmoonzx]

its real. these are real issues that need to be addressed. educaton is the key here people.

[@cxaxukluth5407]

He was not going to let that news man sever his fifth thoracic vertebrae!

[@Vscustomprinting]

Classic.. I'm going to tell my kids that this was the 90s

[@Ratticis]

I fell and ruptured my T4, and I still find this hilarious

[@clongchewy1214]

Important life knowledge right here