A Better Way to Self-Motivate When You Have ADHD (Coach A vs. Coach B)

[@HowtoADHD]

Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! It’s an ADHD-friendly tool that works with your brain, not against it! Give Sunsama a try. Right now they’re offering a free trial with no credit card needed if you use my link: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd

[@RimWulf]

The best advice I heard was to "talk to yourself like you would child" (if you talk to children badly then you need therapy.)

[@AjinkyaMahajan]

Thanks for recommendation, I am definitely gonna try it.

[@SnowySpiritRuby]

@@RimWulf And that's how I know that one of my aunts tried a little too hard to fill in for my mom when I was little when my mom was sick in the hospital for months at a time, and that aunt was one of the two main people who would watch me after school until my dad got home from work. My mom was, and still is, a Coach A, and I had to be careful what I said or did around my aunt or she'd turn into one, too (still true 25 years later).

[@debbiestaite3184]

hi im trying it out right now. Only thing is im concerned is the cost once the free trial is over. Id be gutted if i really like it but the cost is too much for me at this time. What is the cost please?

[@karmz1986]

@HowtoADHD I didn't know/realize you were an actress. I just saw and recognized you as the cashier in season 8, episode 8 of Monk ❤😊

[@voiceojane]

My daughter (with ADHD) was a goalie. I used to tell her that even if both goalies were perfect for an entire game, there would be a tie, not a “win.” It would take somebody else on a team to change that outcome; it’s not just on the goalie. That applies to difficult families, toxic work environments, and lots of other situations, too. You do your best but you may not be able to change the outcome unless others are actively supporting the same goal (pun intended).

[@HowtoADHD]

Yup! (Love the pun!)

[@kashiichan]

+

[@julietteferrars3097]

That comforts me SO much! I’ve been really discouraged lately because no matter how hard I work on cleaning the kitchen and how well I organize everything, it quickly reverts back to filth and chaos. I live with my sibling who has ADHD and ODD, they never clean up after themselves and leave me drowning in their mess. I’ve felt like a failure for being unable to keep a clean kitchen, but I’m actually a very skilled goalie, I’m just facing a MAJORLY difficult opponent.

[@Sam_on_YouTube]

My daughter with ADHD HATES playing goalie for exactly his reason. She doesn't want it to feel like the whole game is on her. She often has anxiety issues on the way to the game on the off chance she's in goal, which happens for less than half a game a season. Also, they only have 1 really good goalie on the team and she isn't it. She avoids learning to be a better goalie because she doesn't want them to make her do it. The whole team is happier when Zosia is in the goal. When they need someone else in goal, she stands behind her tallest friend to hide. My daughter likes to play right or left forward because then she knows when it's her ball. In the center or midfield, she tends to shrink back and try not to be in the way of her teammates. On the side, she can take the ball the length of the field and then center it to one of their better shooters.

[@voiceojane]

@@Sam_on_KZbin Remind her that it is the decision and responsibility of the adult coach-not children-who plays where. If it goes badly, that’s on the coach. Or the coach knows she has lots of potential and wants her to work through the fear and improve over time. Have a three way discussion about her worries; if they’re not receptive, they’re a Coach A and she doesn’t need to play for them. Coach As are damaging and I wish I’d protected my daughter more from them so they didn’t get in her head 😔

[@JimPekarek]

It's good to remember we're shooting to be coach B, not the opposite of coach A. There's a lot of people who just try to make you feel better without actually helping you improve and get better, which is just as useless as coach A

[@TisiphoneSeraph]

I agree with this so hard. The opposite of Coach A would be an enabler which is just as unhelpful.

[@second0banana]

My 73 year old dad teared up reading your book. He said he wished he had known that stuff when he was a kid, and when he was raising kids. He cried because he would have been so much kinder to himself and more understanding of his kids, but was grateful he now has more information to help him with his music studies and being a better grandpa. And it helped my mom understand him and the other ADHDers in our family better. It's never too late to soften that voice. It's never too late to learn. It's never too late to treat yourself and others with the compassion you deserve.

[@tomschultz8933]

Coach A has been on a rant lately about my work habits - push through the pain and just keep working. Coach B, along with my family, has told me it's time to hang it up. I have severe arthritis in my hands, and now developing it in my hips. Wednesday, I finally listened to Coach B, and talked to a doctor. Today, I filed for short term disability to start the process.

[@HowtoADHD]

Oh that sounds like a tough one... it can be hard to accept when we might need to step back. Glad you also had some other support as well.

[@cherylstanley2337]

Good for you! I recently retired from a super stressful job. It's wonderful if you are able to value yourself and step back. I hope you can find good treatment treatment.

[@TJtheBee]

Disability is…tough. I’m in long-term disability for my auDHD. BUT: you should celebrate the ability to recognize when you need to step back. A lot of us don’t have that sense of our limits.

[@tumbleweeduk7479]

A keto or carnivore diet can make a big difference with both arthritis and ADHD. I have just started this for both reasons, but the comments on the carnivore videos are really encouraging.

[@Cosmicbluealtera1309]

For me having with such bad confidence, going straight to a postive/supportive talk from negative can feel like a steep ask sometimes, adding middle ground like neutral self talk can really help in the transition. Learning positive & neutral self talk is is kinda key for learning to have confidence in oneself.

[@littledebbieangel]

This is great to see in motion for the newly diagnosed ADHD people and for ones who just need a daily reminder of self-talk is needed to be positive not negative

[@HowtoADHD]

Yeahhhh it can be such an easy thing to forget... hopefully the metaphor makes it a little bit more sticky and easier to remember. :)

[@Olduri]

Being kind to yourself can be hard, but so super important.

[@HowtoADHD]

It is it is!!

[@mehlover]

This couldn't have come at a better time considering how bad my perfectionism and negative voices are getting at me today. I used to have coach B, but it slowly faded away, and coach A replaced it. This is a good reminder to be kinder to myself. Also, I can hear coach B coming back. They're far away, but I can finally hear them for the first time in over 6 months. I still have lots to work on myself, but having a kind coach B helps me with trying again rather than coach A's berating.

[@kats9755]

2:00 I didn't expect that to hit me so hard and now I'm in tears at work. Damn.

[@Hammssty]

It made me cry too

[@m.maclellan7147]

I know in my case, I NEVER got any support growing up & was blamed for everything (though I had ZERO control over anything!) Toxic parent & ADHD is a heck of a double whammy ! You just have to give yourself grace & possibly "reparent" that poor kid that is still inside you, that is overwhelmed by life as an 'adult', since you've been "playing it by ear" your entire life !

[@Its.me_Christina]

​. I can relate to what you're saying 10000%!! (My son too). You're definitely not alone. 🤗

[@ileana3088]

Me too. I’m so mean to myself then don’t do anything bc the emotional overwhelm

[@kenrickbautista6141]

This is exactly the video I really needed. Sometimes, the words and actions of others are like videos that get replayed endlessly, leading me to have anxiety and depression. Doesn't really get better overnight. I really wish I wasn't so hard on myself, but... it's not that simple.

[@HowtoADHD]

Yeahhhh, gotta be able to catch it first... then practice figuring out what Coach B says.... but hopefully over time it gets easier.

[@TJBlaque]

Thank you, Jessica, for this video. As a neurodivergent person, I often struggle to stay positive, and writing down my negative thoughts has always made me feel more anxious. Your words encouraged me to try a new approach: writing down 5 positive and 5 negative thoughts that run through my mind constantly. I'm sharing them here to let anyone experiencing similar struggles know they’re not alone. What Coach A and Coach B Say About Me: 1. Coach A says I'm not good enough. 2. Coach B reminds me I am good enough and not alone in facing challenges. 3. Coach A says I should have started working on my goals sooner. 4. Coach B praises my courage to take risks and grow as a person. 5. Coach A calls me a disappointment. 6. Coach B says they’re proud of me for focusing on my strengths, even in small steps. 7. Coach A stresses me out about needing a full-time career by age 25. 8. Coach B encourages me to be kind to myself and appreciate what makes me happy now. 9. Coach A doubts my ability to become my best self. 10. Coach B assures me it’s never too late to grow, learn, and overcome challenges. To the person reading this, I really hope that you found this helpful. 🙏🏾

[@asgthethird]

Thank you! These sentences were helpful!

[@HydrogenTwoO]

Coach B has come up a lot when I've returned to school, esp. in classes that are not "my brain" friendly. Like, "why didn't you just do some of this assignment earlier this week?" "why can't you just remember the detail of this (extremely boring) problem?" "if you just went over notes more often, this wouldn't be such a bad grade..." when in reality, I am just struggling with the design of the class...

[@USER_S4V4NT]

i have an intense fear of making mistakes, usually people are fine or just make fun of it but i dread mistakes cause mom wasn’t ready to deal with adhd so every time i made a mistake i was scolded it was remembered and it was brought up to prove i couldn’t be trusted and i think this is why new things take a long time for me cause half the battle is trying to trust myself and or trying to set things up to be perfect the first time. took long enough to drive on my own for example.

[@milkymoo1524]

I just got diagnosed with combined type adhd. I also have autism and it took me so long to get the courage to talk to my mum and suggest that I may have it. Even if it took me over a year to do it I manged to talk to her and its finally lead me to this day. Good luck out there I believe in you guys!

[@HowtoADHD]

We can be tough on ourselves... but that doesn't have to be the case.... what are some things YOUR coach A says? And what would Coach B say instead? :)

[@stephaniebarrows5428]

Oooh! For the last 15 months, I’ve been hearing that if I’d dune such-and-such and followed my strong intuition, I could’ve avoided___, or achieved ___, and been ready for ___…really I’ve been torturing myself over assumptions for half my life (since my dad dropped dead.) Coach B rejects the past of me I was stating to develop over a decade ago: she meditates daily, sees humor in a lot of things, and abhors violence and watches her words and thoughts carefully. (She had problems, obviously,.) Coach B tells me to take a deep breath, be kind to myself, and focus on now. And to choose differently, if I can, next time.

[@MindfulNate79]

As a mindfulness therapist working with ADHDers I dedicate a lot of time on topics like acceptance and self compassion cause I see a lot of coach A in the mind of those who struggle with ADHD. Mindfulness can really help giving voice to the coach B inside you! From January 2025 I'm gonna fill my channel with a lot of meditation videos for ADHD 😊

[@simonmcglary]

Even when doing something well and being praised for it, I’m telling myself I should be doing better. If I don’t do as well as I know I could, based on a past performance, despite all other performances being more than adequate, I see myself as worthless. I describe it as gold standard is 98, satisfactory is 95, even if I’m regularly hitting 100, I hit 150 once so I must do it all the time!

[@m.dejonge5055]

My gold standaard, for say an exam, is also about 98. It means I still could do better, so it's not good enough. However, if I have a 100 it means the questions were not hard enough. How's that for setting yourself up for faillure. By the way, perfect feels normal for me.😅

[@simonmcglary]

@ I understand exactly what you’re saying!

[@MiaraAvalin]

I needed to hear this today. Yesterday I forgot to send two things that had to be sent then or it will affect my economic situation for next month and possibly worse if I ever do the mistake again. My country is not kind to people who forget deadlines when it comes to government agencies even when you have a diagnosis like this. But listening to your video I stopped beating myself up and reminded myself how to prevent this from happening again. Thank you. ❤

[@rachellemazar7374]

Hi Jessica, I’ve been kicking myself for something I did and this video really helped me redirect my thoughts to a positive place. Coach B would tell me “kicking yourself isn’t part of the game”

[@nysaloudon311]

Ha! I really like that! I'm gonna try to remember that phrase

[@theolla840]

Optimism won't cure me, but pessimism will stop me.

[@blankets5782]

Hello, Jessica. I came across your "How to ADHD" book in my local library. The book's title on the cover being highlighted was a blessing. I decided to check it out and I enjoyed your chapter about motivation. The chapter was easy to read and adding in other people's experience with ADHD in the middle of chapters was very comforting. I plan to buy the book in the future so that I have my own personal "ADHD Handbook" and toolkit at home. 😊

[@LuC-k777]

Wish my mother wasn’t coach A when I was growing up. Thankfully I found my coach B in my academic success class in high school the mother figure that I really needed

[@jimmz6]

this video and the last video are sleep are the 2 videos i really needed becuase they are the 2 things i strugle with the most

[@HowtoADHD]

Awwwwww I'm glad they can help

[@SlinkyGaming]

I seriously needed to hear this whole video, i've recently gained alot of self esteem because i've lowered my standards and I started to cry, because I have said things like I'm an idiot, and I know better, I didn't even put 2 and 2 together. One of my tools that has helped me be less negative is when I do get into this mindset, is to say one thing that I love about myself. that's been so helpful and it's helped me stay grounded. Thank you for the reminder that I can keep working on little things without being such a perfectionist! I appreciate you're videos alot!

[@emdotrod]

Ha! This feels like an older How To ADHD video. Self motivating is hard for us brains. But then again we'll always find a way even at the tumultuous time. Our persistence is second to none

[@HowtoADHD]

Some might! Not all ADHD is created equal so some may give up for no other reason than they were berated so much that their belief in themselves crashed. (In fact this channel almost didn't continue because I'd been convinced that I was failing... the community telling me otherwise helped keep me going.)

[@celathewhitewolf6513]

Really needed that right now, so thanks for uploading that video

[@HowtoADHD]

Glad it could help

[@toddellner5283]

I needed this forty years ago. I need it today.

[@toddellner5283]

.... I was raised by Coach A. Leaving him behind is a life goal. why are we so much kinder to others than to ourselves?

[@AcePlaysTCGs]

I've been out of work for a few months now and I've not had the best practices for trying to find a new job. Some plans came up and now we're into the holidays and my sleep got messed up so I've lost a lot of time. Just when i really started to beat myself up over it, i started thinking "the first step is to make sure you have time in the day to actually apply for jobs or even figure out which ones to apply for." I've gotten a little better at finding Coach B's words even as Coach A's disappointment hits me first. I have faith that the type of job i want exists even if i have to work a little harder and get specific to find it, but as long as I make sure I'm giving myself the time to think about it, that's the best first step i can take. I stay terrified of first steps - like my years long "want to do KZbin" thing that hasn't really started yet. Feeling like certain things have to come before other things only being able to handle so much at one time really sucks, but i also have to be realistic about what i can handle and what I'm capable of. Videos like this and reading your book has really helped me figure out how to set realistic expectations. No need to push myself too hard if the steps need broken down even more than they already have been.

[@annm4833]

Best of luck to you in your job search, keep going, you have a good plan! 🙋🏻‍♀️👍

[@orthoanimalinfo6302]

It is a good plan to take your time to decide what kind of job you want. I often listend to Coach A and ended up in the wrong place again and again. This time I want to take my time too and hopefully come to a better choice this time.

[@AcePlaysTCGs]

@@orthoanimalinfo6302 Thanks. I'm glad I'm on the right track even if it's putting me in a bit of a bind right now. The worst part is feeling like you've made little progress despite not being able to see how many types of things you're not looking at anymore. I know I just want to sit in front of a computer and type my little heart out. That feels like there's TONS of stuff I could do, so it's still a little intimidating, and I'd prefer being able to work from home so that narrows it down even more. I'm trying to get specific, but almost makes things more intimidating. I can't ignore the fact that I've ruled out a lot of stuff already though. Just a matter of what I call watering the flower and giving myself the time to find that job instead of just waiting for it to fall into my lap. Sometimes it's hard to know where to put your focus though because Coach A loves to make you feel like you're wasting your time.

[@kathahahn20]

I just had two of these situations today. First situation: I had to buy a blazer for job intervies which will take place in the beginning of the next week. Coach A scolded me for not buying the Blazer sooner. Then Coach B came up and said, that I do have a reason now to buy proper clothing and that I have to take some things into account when buying a blazer. Second situation: I sent an application and noted that there was a mistake in the cover letter. Coach A asked how this mistake could have happened despite the double reading. Coach B immediately offered a solution by correcting the mistake and send the whole application again. Fortunately, the responsible person replied friendly when I pointed at my mistake and gave in a new application. So, I learned something new and it seems that I am working on this issue. Though it's really difficult. Thank you for your video, Jessica! ^^

[@Raindude]

I love this video! Keep doing what you’re doing! You’re awesome!

[@funnelqueen1986]

My situation: Planning My Birthday. Coach A: You do this every year, and yet you NEVER learn! Coach B: (Never had a Coach B before) Plan 2 Birthdays, that way if one doesn't work, you have your backup plan if going solo.

[@Happihaus]

My Coach A would shout 'WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?' in my face if I made a mistake. My Coach B would ask me if I was ok and would help me, probably with a gentle sense of humour that would make me feel less ashamed. Thankyou for doing this work Sky and Team xx

[@Heartless1022]

My biggest issue with this advice is that I can logically know that Coach B is better to listen to, that Coach A is not going to help me, but I can never get my brain to default to listening to B. I can't get it to stick no matter what I seem to try (CBT, DBT, mindfulness, bringing it up endless times in therapy for months, etc). Trying to replace me with a friend in the same situation doesn't work either. That changes the context and therefore my response since *it isn't me I'm responding to anymore.* And then I just feel bad for not being able to apply it to me at that point.

[@jaylynn7493]

ADD/IP here … You write “I can never get my brain to default”. That’s hard work, but you start with catching yourself in the act, recognizing, remembering this coach story, and taking the time to reorient yourself and think about what coach B would say. Really stop and think about it. Maybe in a dozen years it’ll be a default, but probably not for a while. Practice. It’s a practice that takes practice. 💙🩷❤️

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

On an emotional level, Coach A is giving you something that Coach B isn't. Something you don't want to lose. You need to have a conversation with each one to figure out what that is. Let's say, for a minute, that you are allowed to listen to Coach A, or even _prefer_ it over Coach B. What comes up for you then?

[@CalibrateADHD]

Recognizing and acknowledging the inner critic and then using self-compassion as tools to motivate really make a difference! Thanks for highlighting this and congrats on the book! P.S. re the group project challenge: When the pet hair hasn't been vacuumed up recently, Coach A says "Why have you waited so long? Just do it." and Coach B says "You've had a lot on your plate with other priorities, and that's okay. You can body double and vacuum then to help get some more motivation."

[@criseastman6503]

I am dealing with a major letdown and it has made me want to give up trying. Coach A - You're a complete screw up. You knew that this was important but you kept not doing your assignments. Why bother trying now? You're not going to be able to start in the program you were trying to get into. Coach B Alright stop beating yourself up. Feeling heartbroken about the program is completely valid. Ut makes sense that you would feel disappointed and helpless in this situation. But you love this class and you genuinely enjoy your assignments. Instead of worrying about a missed chance, take advantage of having your favorite professor for her funal class. Enjoy your time and continue to inspire your classmates the way you gave been doing. It's not too late, you can do this! Also reach out to the other school and talk to somebody in the program. Emailing a stranger is scary but you can do this!

[@redhedrachful]

Something I’m struggling with right now is that I just learned I am going thru perimenopause at 41. Apparently it completely renders ADHD medications ineffective. I didn’t even know perimenopause was a thing, it’s been a trip. Would love to see a video about this as I know a lot of women have ADHD and will go through this.

[@CraneInTheField]

Just bought your book on Apple audiobooks . Looking forward to listening to it especially with you narrating! Coach A is saying, “Why did you procrastinate in buying it since it’s been out since January?” Coach B is saying, “Better late then never”.

[@kamille286]

Just another reminder I need to buy this book. This week has been hard with finals and running out of my meds and my internal voice talking like coach A about how I should've been better prepared. Thank you so much for posting these videos, it's so helpful to have quick reference when I'm struggling

[@michaelwinter742]

Can’t change the past. Can fix it for next time.

[@Jawsjawsjawsrg]

How we improve is by the quality of question we ask ourselves, and giving ourselves the grace of being human and making mistakes.

[@saml4004]

Coach A has been present a lot this year for me…thank you for this video. I needed these messages.

[@anonymousnation5235]

Came here straight after watching your Ted Talk. This is the first time i feel truly understood in life. Subscribed ❤

[@CassandraTala]

Coach A has been questioning me on when I'm going to get it together in my life. Asking endless questions on why I did or didn't do something. Coach B would tell me that it is okay, that with time we will learn our brain even better and know how to move forward with a different perspective. But also- to be patient with myself and know that what I am doing (which is a lot) is more than enough. I really appreciate your work here. My son and I both watch your channel so we can find our style of navigating through life with AuDHD. 💚

[@TheShellemilyCrayon]

this was so incredibly helpful. im struggling to encorporate physiotherapy exercises into my daily life and was defo talking to myself like coach 1. i did the journaling exercise with both coach 1 and 2 and feel so much more reassured and like i know what the next step is.

[@shallandavar17]

I really needed this today, there are people in my life who tell me to just "try harder" and get frustrated with me when I don't magically get better because they don't understand that I can't just overcome my ADHD symptoms with willpower. I try to explain things, but they just don't get it, and it always ends with me crying and feeling bad about myself. I guess they, and my own head sometimes, are like my Coach A. (But I am very lucky to have some Coach B's in my life too who can support me and kind of mediate.) So thank you, Jessica, for this reminder. I'm going to try and think of some strategies to help support my memory rather than just berating myself (or letting others' criticism get to me) over it.

[@natalie_natalie_that_me]

I absolutely love sunsama I have used it for the last couple of years since I found it in one of your videos! Thank you! Sure I forget about it for weeks at a time, but I think the difference is I always pick it back up. It is especially helpful for when I am feeling overwhelmed with tasks.

[@stardustproxy]

I like to think of it as, "I don't like to make the same mistake twice. Instead, I make mistakes in new and exciting ways!" It's giving me permission to make mistakes, because I can't be perfect, no matter how much I wish I could be sometimes. So when it happens, I try so hard to acknowledge what went wrong and where, so I can grow and learn from what happened. I didn't know better then. Now that I know better, I'll try something different. New and different mistakes!

[@TJtheBee]

Oh hey, this applies so much to my life right now. I was fighting my butt off to complete an assignment, and I got a B on it. As frustrated as I am about the grade, I’m trying to let Coach B remind me that at the end of the day, it needed to get in, and as humbling as the project was, I understand a little bit better how I can improve for the future. It’s hard, but hopefully I can continue to listen to Coach B and not be completely down on myself.

[@Emileigggggh]

I needed this, especially after having an external Coach A in my life- I'm not also gonna talk to myself like that, it wasn't - and isn't - helpful! Coach B is actually being constructive and is a far better leader.

[@gytisbl]

a lot of us have a BIG inner critic because of the trauma that ADHD brings with it. The book "The body keeps the score" touches on this. Or the "there are no bad parts"

[@smokinggnu6584]

Coach A has been having a field day lately, also funnily enough with writing a book. I think the most common thing said is "This is garbage, people are only saying nice things about it to be nice, it's never gonna go anywhere like the rest of your life," etc etc etc. I ignore it most of the time, and in the middle of having the manuscript be looked over by a critique group and they already have so much good advice for stuff that has to change to make it better (at least for the first chapter)

[@Nebulagal]

Coach A was my father and then I internalized it So thank you for this

[@splendiferous_wallflower]

Thank you so much for this video. This Thanksgiving seriously brought out my Coach A, I felt awful about myself.

[@DaleESkywalker]

Hello Brains & Hearts! 🧠❤

[@tigerfalco]

I spent years trying to tell myself I'm not a failure because I still haven't finished college. Its hard to give yourself a break because you always feel like you really could do different even if you're trying as hard as you can. Hell even as I type this in my head I'm questioning how much more I could've done. I found its easier to just remind myself that life doesn't have a plan, or a due date. Even if I didn't meet my own goals it doesn't mean that I am a person am a failure. I'm only a failure in my eyes if I completely give up. Not "changed the goals" not "decided this isn't it" I mean give up, as in do nothing. Not even trying or thinking about improving. If I do that the only thing I'm failing is myself.

[@bedikanepal6686]

Really needed this during Finals :)

[@dawncraig3340]

I have a coach A for having coach A... does that make sense to anyone else? Anyway... this coach A is saying "You have a coach A because you'll never learn not to because there's just something wrong with you" I think coach B would say "You were taught to think this way by people you trusted, that shouldn't have happened. And you've already worked to change other coach As. So not only is it not your fault you have them, you CAN change them because you've done it before."

[@yesicagmerinomora6601]

Currently, I am a college senior going through finals. Luckily they’re mainly project- based, but now the issue of managing deadlines came up. I really struggle to do projects when I feel there’s a deadline coming up, I need to start super early or I avoid upcoming deadlines. (This is a result of me being a people pleaser and a very anxious person). I believe I have ADHD and am currently tracking the time my assignments take. Didn’t realize 2 hrs of work requires 3 hours of rest and constant thoughts. Which brings me to the task for this video: my coach B told me I am not being productive. I have a deadline to meet and expectations. How could I avoid them? How could I let myself down? Why am I not as productive as I know I can be? (This used to be much worse, so I’m proud of where I’ve gotten). But, coach a (me in a good moment or my supportive boyfriend) reminded me to appreciate myself. I can do more, but am clearly struggling. Let’s reframe my priorities and just start.

[@incognito.dorito]

Two minutes!!! I love your channel so much Jessica thank you for what you do for us❤

[@HowtoADHD]

awwwww thank you for taking the time to comment! I'm glad you've found the channel helpful

[@MrKeychange]

I LOVE that these types of videos are back again. 🥳

[@sharonm1261]

Great video, probably everyone should watch this, even people without adhd.

[@ClassyChassiss]

Thank you for this, I've been struggling with the Coach A voice a lot lately

[@coffeelover3314]

Do you guys also have sth like this? -->You know you have to go somewhere in 10 minutes, but you just got a wonderful idea to watch or read sth very intriguing. And you feel this funny pressure when you're kinda aware you need to go but simultaneously you have so much fun learning about sth new lmaooo

[@criseastman6503]

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this today. I have been struggling with giving up. I was provisionally accepted to my dream school ( I have been working to get here for 30 years) only to fall short by a class that I cannot physically do right now. I have felt like giving up on the class I am in right now because, what's the point? After watching your video and having a good cry I am ready to finish off this class by doing my best. Not for my transfer but for myself. I am also going to reach out to the school and see what advice they can give me. Thank you.

[@hdushshs3263]

Thank you so much for the video I’ve really been struggling with this recently tbh

[@HowtoADHD]

Awwww you're welcome I'm glad it's a topic we could tackle... because we've all been there (and sometimes still struggle with that Coach A voice).

[@emerydurow6076]

My EMDR therapist called this coping skill the flip. What would you say or tell a friend in the same exact situation you're in? It's helped a lot with the guilt and shame spirals.

[@SnowySpiritRuby]

I had the opportunity to be a Coach B to a friend (we're 8 years apart) who wasn't in the exact situation I had been in at her age, but very close (very similar struggles, though for slightly different reasons, so close enough). It helped me like I can't even believe - being a Coach B to myself prior to that was extremely difficult, but since then it has been so much easier. There's the Coach B who is naturally a Coach B (the disability services director at my college is one of those, which makes him a great director), but then there's the Coach B who has also been through it himself/herself and has that additional personal experience to draw on (one isn't necessarily better than the other - they're both very important roles) - because I had been through it myself, I was the person that this friend went to when she wasn't sure how to approach Professor X about Y on timeline Z, before she talked to the disability services director (her disability wasn't formally diagnosed yet, which made her situation extra complicated).

[@zidarose]

Love the animations. So much of Coach A in my head.

[@EmmaLara137]

Hits home too much :""( especially the fact that it is internalized voice of people who should be a support :""(

[@pucksandpaperbacks]

Seriously, Sunsama is a game changer. I love it so much!

[@brandonmotzfitness]

The duality I feel because I literally am “Coach B” but totally talk to myself like Coach A 😂😭

[@businessisboomin7252]

This was def needed

[@Chrispy-o2e]

The whole tome I was listening I was like, how does it sounds so familiar? As you said its an exert from the book it clicked… yes adhd and loosing information…

[@daviddx360]

As an older brother and teacher of preschoolers (with ADHD) I feel like my duty is always showing confidence on myself, and being the one that always knows what to do. Turn out that even though most of the time that is the case mostly because I though myself that I would need to be case, there are moments where I feel like I need someone to take the lead for me, luckily I have my parents, friends, and very supportive coworkers that support me on moments, I do not feel a lone. However I do feel somehow odd sometimes because in my field of work, I tend to be the only male teacher and some parents have make feel excluded or unwelcome because of my gender.

[@kellycurry8995]

How to organize this December month! That is what I am working on this week. xx

[@benlefkowitz7090]

This was so helpful thank you

[@hongandy]

My “A Coach” tells me that I waste too much time on nonsense and my thesis (to get my bachelor degree) was not meant to take me so long. My "B coach” tells me not to feel bad about not being equal to others and not being able to finish this year, and that nothing bad will happen if I finish a little late as long as I reach my goal. Coincidentally, I came to watch some video of yours to find some advice to calm me down, because I blocked myself thinking that I haven't finished doing many things and at any moment my teacher will chat me asking for them :'C

[@TheSwedishCarGuy]

Once again you are always on point, since when I found your channel since I have a hard time with this now. Such a good video :) You are awesome!

[@jamesbriggs5740]

I have been sick ( coughing) for over two weeks. I haven't wanted to do much of anything. Thursday on Turkey Day I prepared most of dinner with help. Today Saturday I was feeling down on myself because I've done nothing except laundry. I am going to have to change how I speak to myself now. Kathy B

[@stevewindisch2882]

Third time watching this and I'm still tearing up over the thought of being nice to myself. Not sure I've ever had a coach B, let alone what they'd say

[@MollyBurns-uwm]

Can we have an episode of how you get yourself to routinely use Sunsama? I am trying to use it for grad school, and am still working on integrating it in my day to day and long term goals

[@Ender-Corbin]

Had a coach and a coach b, unfortunately the coach a was louder than coach b, or helped everyone else but, not taking the time to be patient and guide. It's taken over a decade to began to live again, but its getting their. 🙂

[@sarahnaomiwagner]

I’m going to do the challenge before I go back to work and after. I wanted to say that I’m betting many of us have heard these things so much that we think it’s normal, or the right thing to “get better” at something. I’m sure things I say/do are more negative than I actually realize. In fact, my first thought was, geez if I’m nice to myself (like Coach B), then I’m letting myself get away with something. 😮

[@SullyEyevie]

So recognisable. Even with parenting, first time mom and everything has to be perfect. Now I have probably dizziness and nauseous because of stress :( so I really need a coach B

[@ChurchOf2]

Self criticism is drowning and it’s hard to build self belief. Just want to hide. I don’t even know what my coach B will look like!

[@marzettik]

Needed to hear this. ❤

[@GianlucaGD]

Sunsama looks a little like an Agile Kanban board. It should be good once you get into that mindset. Thank you, I think I'll try it. Also thanks for sharing 🙏🏼

[@magicalmour]

ur so pretty jessica! thank u for this informative video. i love your content, you're helping me change my life to so much easier, fun, and make life work for me. thank you

[@ripple_on_the_ocean]

At minute 2 and already sobbing . I am the meanest. I just feel like I won't do ANYTHING unless I bully myself 😢

[@kikobangz]

+1:55 into the video and I’m in the verge of tears 🙃🥲

[@DebbieKnight-l6z]

Coach A and coach B both have there points. It's in the delivery. My thought is this why not combine both what coach A and coach B says to balance what you're telling yourself. It's similar to CBT in a way in which gets us to think about the pros and cons of a situation.

[@CPFace]

Coach A: You're a failure Coach B: Here's what you do next time. Coach Z: Great jaerb, Homestar.

[@jonaskromwell4464]

I've got diagnosis of ADHD, OCD, GAD and many more! Self-criticism is a nightmare!

[@philippeleblanc2953]

Struggling to the death rn writing my term papers 😢 It's my last 4 classes for my bachelor's and I'm so so lonely in my struggles. Everything is a way to procrastinate and zombie my way to failure

[@Annalorraine2x]

I so needed that

[@HowtoADHD]

[@TomClarke1995]

I’m 29 with a recent diagnosis with ADHD, and I’ve reflected a lot on my behaviors and responses to stimuli in life a lot lately. I’m new to your channel, so I don’t know if you’ve gotten into the subject yet, but can you do a video touching on the science behind what I’m about to describe? Waking up for school was torture growing up. Somehow though, I came across the idea to play music that made me feel passionate. The labor of waking up and dragging myself out of bed to get ready for a grueling 8 hours of school became something I could carry for sone greater good. But more than just the emotional regulation, I think that music has a kind of guiding structure we crave that’s presented through the time signature of any given song, a kind of logic that helps me connect point A to point B in my head. I’d love to hear about it and other therapeutic/coping mechanisms people can use when they’re not able to use medication.

[@HowtoADHD]

Ohhhhh that's a good question. *Deciding* what we do is not the same thing as *actually doing* what we've decided to do - and music IS a coping strategy a lot of us use to help stay focused on things we want (or need) to do! And why it helps might differ from person to person. Our motivation playlist may be a good place to start!: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hX6Tialmmrt6qrs

[@vesarixx]

Coach Bee: Ya like jazz?

[@CrustySpam87]

This one hit home

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Hate the blame shame judgment game 😫💔😢

[@ThatOneVoiceInMyHead]

I guess the question I have is, how do I become Coach B to myself? Sometimes, I do some things that feel so... unintelligent, there's no nice way to say it, and even though I'd never say it to others, I know I know better, and sometimes still do the less intelligent thing. I catch myself every time and try to say it the nice way, but Coach A is always there, Coach B just also shows up. How do I stop Coach A?

[@jessthegardener]

My husband helped explained my unreasonable standards that I have for myself like this: would I demand my best friend to have these requirements? If she didn't get things right, would I care any less about her, or say those mean things to her? Or alternatively, would your best friend be saying those things to YOU because you missed the mark? Coach A still comes around but its easier to drown them out when you have help with Coach C and Coach D backing up Coach B's niceness. I hope this is understandable - currently typing this at almost 4am because I can't sleep. I'll try to explain this better if needed.

[@misspat7555]

I saw this title and immediately thought, “Do you WANT to live with your mother again?!?” works pretty well for me… 😅