I Cut Off My Family Years Ago After My Kids Hid My Wife's Affair For 5 Years r/Relationships

[@BruinPhD2009]

The children didn't want to break up the family. Exactly what did they think their mother was doing, hmmm? Enquiring minds would like to know.

[@SnowyWolborg]

They convinced themselves that as long as their parents were still married, it was a smarter choice to hide the mother's lies.

[@LadyWolvie82]

Anytime that anyone has an affair, and they have kids with their partner/spouse, the kids may have been manipulated into keeping quiet by their mother (something OP left out, as we don't know that crucial piece of info; which what he has said here gives a potential hint that they were forced to keep quiet). I mention this because my mom couldn't stay faithful in each of her three marriages (I only found that out after she died in 2021), and one of my sisters was married to a man who had affairs with 15 women, one of them he impregnated (they divorced a decade ago, sister remarried 3 years ago), and for some reason, the man was given primary custody (sister moved out of state and reconnected with her bio-dad before her bio-dad died circa 2018), so the kids, regardless if they knew or not, are stuck in the middle of the mess affairs create. I stopped talking to my sperm donor in 2009 and he NEVER told me stuff about my mother (sperm donor and I stopped talking for other reasons), so I forever will have more questions than answers, and for the first time, I am at peace with that.

[@mikef2811]

The one thing they desperately try to save, they actually in end up destroying it. And it may be a permanent one.

[@chickensandwich8808]

​@@LadyWolvie82 see you can tell the people like yourself in these comments who have had to actually deal with this situation. Thankfully I never had to, but this story rubbed me wrong not because of how OP feels but because of how he dealt with it. It feels almost like he lead his kids on to think they might be able to repair the relationship while not actually giving them any grace to do so. And then proceeded to "replace" them. I feel for the OP in that it's hard, and I wouldn't want to lessen that. But even then just like how people want to say the kids actions have consequences, so do OPs. He isn't blameless in this. There is a lot of nuance. People who have lived through similar as the kids know things from a perspective the haters in the comments who think in black and white never will. Glad yoy are doing well.

[@dorianleakey]

The story is very light on details, we are getting all emotional about poor OP being betrayed, but we have no idea of how they knew of the affair and what they knew, for how long. We have one sentence that they knew and didn't tell him, when in reality he makes it clear it was a long conversation. We need a bit more detail. It also started when they were truly kids.

[@trout512]

The "kids" were adults when they found out. Them not running to OP means that they made the conscious, adult decision to side with their cheating mother. They don't get to pretend they don't understand why that would ruin a relationship when it becomes an inconvenient truth.

[@dorianleakey]

No, they weren't adults when they found out. We don't even know what they found out, there are NO details, just vague statements. How did they find out? Why are you and others pretending that mum just sat them down and said, "kids, I'm having an affair for no reason, don't tell dad" and after imagining that, you imagine their reply, "lol, ok mum, screw dad, he's a loser, lol" You know it wasn't like that, yet imagine that because you like judging others and not thinking about yourself.

[@Dustin81]

@@dorianleakey They were still keeping it quiet while adults. They were 25f and 21m when he found out and divorced her.

[@Kimberly_Sparkles]

@@dorianleakey he obviously wanted to abandon his family and just made an excuse to do so. His grandkids did nothing to him and yet he punished them.

[@trout512]

@@dorianleakey Apparently I'm one of the only people who can read and do basic math. He said she was having an affair for at least 5 years. It has been 4 years since they divorced. The kids are now in their mid 20s. Oldest would have been 25 when it came out, the youngest would have been around 22. Meaning, charitably, that if they discovered day one that their mom was a cake eater,they would have been at the youngest 16-17 when they found out. And that would have been the younger of the two. The daughter would have been at least 20 when she found out. I don't know about you, but by the time I was 16, I knew that cheating was unacceptable, and that a family with a chronic liar in it isn't really much of a family. Plus they had the chance to squeal every day, for 5 years. That's literally over 1000 chances. Quit trying to make excuses here.

[@BlahBlah-sz4ne]

Also depends what their relationship is now with the affair partner. He will not want to see his ex -wife and the affair partner. He would not want to be drawn back even peripherally into that. His kids are a reminder and link as well as having directly betrayed their father. Sometimes complete separation is needed and his lack of feeling is probably an important defence mechanism.

[@theseeker9442]

Story 1: NTA and I have no doubt OPs children know exactly why OP isnt around and it isnt at all fully the wifes fault, its also the children's fault for being adults and still not telling OP about the affair. Sure if they were actual children or teens id have some sympathy for his kids but they were adults with the capacity to see this massive wrong being done to OP and not speaking up

[@Goliath_mindset]

Im going to go as far and say even as kids and teens they need to learn repercussions and consequences (at a lighter scale), but agreed otherwise.

[@theseeker9442]

​@@Goliath_mindset putting any harsh repercussions on a child or teen going through the harsh reality of puberty for keeping an earth shattering secret like that is not good at all imo

[@Goliath_mindset]

@@theseeker9442 disagree. Child of divorce myself, and learning actions have consequences helped shape me into a much better person mentally, hence my parenthesis part about lessening the consequences.

[@RobDaCajun]

@@theseeker9442 this story is getting passed around the channels. I’m glad to hear this update. Unfortunately for his children what is done is done. They chose to betray their father for their mother, and have to live with the repercussions of that choice. May they grow and heal.

[@pollux6600]

I have zero sympathy for OPs "children". They were 17 and 20 years old when the FIVE year affair started. They had YEARS to come clean but did not. I would have disowned them and cut all ties....

[@Frazzled_Chameleon]

Story 2: the mom just standing there holding garland in her hands looking around like Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. "Hello? Christmas help, anyone? Hellllooooo???"😂😂😂

[@gremlininblue2601]

fr why they both rude to her

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

Markee, I just want to say how much you've grown as a creator. You've grown more sure of yourself, and you let your personality show through, which is delightful. Keep up the good work, my man!

[@PGHFilter]

He's an AI aggregator

[@lovesmelovesmeless]

They blame lies all on the wife but how spineless. They were grown as hell betraying their dad 😒

[@vggeek13]

Right the kids are currently 29 and 26. The divorce happened 4 years ago. So they were 25 and 21. The affair happened for 5 years, we don't know when the kids found out but if it was the whole time those kids were 19- 20 and 17-18.

[@LunaHeartnet]

Yeah, it would be one thing if they were actually children. But the 'kids' are in their late 20's/early 30's! They should know by now that cheating is BAD.

[@kg5626]

Exactly they were adults and hid the affair as adults. They picked the mom.

[@Otis56]

Some people are acting as if these kids were 3 when it happened and victim blaming

[@chickensandwich8808]

@Otis56 blaming OP for mishandling things and not making a proper decision and leaving his kids in emotional limbo is worth blaming him for. He either needs to cut them off or figure out how to fix it. Because right now he is handling it like garbage. Not to mention, he seems to be leaving out a good bit of the discussions he had with his kids about it. All we got was a single sentence that the kids "knew about the affair" but not the ck text surrounding that. And y'all are trying to die on a hill without knowing what you are fighting for. lol.

[@chrisskaw1597]

Story 2: Being in a couple for a long time doesn't mean you think about the same things or communicate in the same way. As long as your priorities aren't diametrically opposed, obsessing over the fact that he isn't anxious about the future seems a pretty stupid reason to destroy what seemed like an otherwise perfect relationship.

[@dierdred_the_gray]

The reasons are bs, she went home and cried after looking for apartments with him? Nah, she cheated, felt like shit for kissing him with the same lips she wrapped around another man's tool and felt guilt. Guarantee you she a 403

[@LLC4269]

okay, I have to admit I totally laughed when you kept saying you are totally like the guy about to get dumped in story 2. lol

[@tigerlilydaley1134]

Story 2 sounds like he kept telling her no kids and she just kept pushing and is shocked he didnt change? She literally said she hought if she waited he'd mature and want kids when its really morw nature that he knows he doesn't and isn't bringing kids to an abaent dad.

[@KE-hr4sb]

S1: I disagree that the "kids" have no fault. They were nearly 30-year adults, married with their own kids! Should be old and mature enough to a) handle a divorce, b) realize mom is the one breaking the marriage already, and c) put themselves in dad's shoes and think how would I feel if partner was cheating and my kids knew and hid it? By covering for her, they threw their support with her actions. They (possibly permanently) damaged their relationship and trust with their father, and these are the consequences of their choices and actions. That said, make sure you're at peace with this decision OP, and not just putting off making a difficult choice, because time is passing and you can't get it back. The commenter saying their mom started out great, became abusive, and died the first time they re-met: I have the same beginning but different ending. My mom started out a good mom, then her crazy came out and she became manipulative and abusive. I cut her off, and then on my 21st birthday my mom went in to the hospital for major surgery. My biodad convinced me to allow her back in my life, saying I'd regret it if things ended like this. And, I spent the next two decades wishing I had left things cut off. She guilt-tripped, pushed boundaries, played the victim, and eventually, hurt my kids (not physically, I never let them out of my sight). My life, and my kids' lives, would have been so much happier and more peaceful if I had stayed no contact. S2: He doesn't ask and doesn't want to answer, because he knows YOU won't like the answer. You're incompatible. It hurts, but best to move on now. "He wouldn't know how to date anyone else at this point because we've been together so long." Bingo. It's too much effort and he doesn't want you to leave. Which he knows you will if he's honest. So he skirts the question.

[@mikimishisa]

It started when they were 17/19/20 though.

[@KE-hr4sb]

@@mikimishisa Sorry, still plenty old enough to know better, IMHO. Legal adults in most places. But I do admit I have zero tolerance for cheating so it probably makes me extra stubborn.

[@anonymouslee2083]

@@mikimishisaold enough to know what they were doing by lying to hide the affair and know that it’s wrong. Yes. They should be held accountable as adults. There’s no coming back from what they did.

[@missamanda2703]

Story 1. After 20 years, I could never leave. My husband's dad has stepped in and helped me heal from the death of my dad. I was 20 when he passed. I got my FIL that same week. My dad passed the night we returned from our honeymoon. I would not have made it. It hurts, but I have a dad, not the one I miss but one I love that loves me. 😢

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

You don't think that you could have that father-daughter relationship if you weren't married to his child anymore?

[@missamanda2703]

@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon I don't know. I don't think about divorce. I really am kinda positive he does. We have a good relationship. We started on and off at 17 and 19. We are 46 and 48.

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

@@missamanda2703 That's about the same age my husband and I started dating. We've only got 13 years of marriage under our belt, though. I wish you the best!

[@DaBaseBallZ]

Story 2:Yep,breaking up is the best move here,You want kids,he clearly doesn't,So don't make yourselves resent one another and break up Update:Good job,OP. It'll really hurt at first,but everything will be ok

[@missamanda2703]

He is stealing her youth, and she is allowing it.

[@Pokemonmasternico]

​@missamanda2703 gotta disagree there. I can see how he could come across as immature but that's about it. By OP's own admission he gave answers to her questions but she wasn't happy with them. And she stayed with him until then. Not saying he is fully innocent in this but she knew he was at best reluctant and at worse against the idea of children, yet didn't break it of thinking he could change his mind.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

I’m just at the point of her asking him if he wanted children after 4 years, him saying no, and someone giving her the advice of staying with him because he will change his mind in the future. People think he isn’t answering her questions, but it seems he already did, but she wanted a different answer so she was waiting for his “real answer”. Edit: I think she realised it.

[@ruthsaunders9507]

@@missamanda2703 Her choice. He was comfortable as things were, she wanted him to be something else.

[@Scarlett.Granger]

Absolutely. Even at the best of times being "alright" with kids should not be enough to decide to bring kids into the world. If you're not sure you really want this, i don't know how someone would stomach all the hardships parenthood entails.

[@blakedunn4256]

My favorite part is markee’s little comments in between his reading 😂😂

[@Isabelle-zo2uu]

markee your voice acting is really good!! i’ve been following you for a while and wow, it’s always getting better

[@NightFall429]

Story1: those comments we’re to empathic towards those awful children. Dad was still to kind to them.

[@danacarter9147]

Well, karma will catch up to OP's kids, before too long; when OP's daughter gets cheated on by her husband, and ends up raising her two kids alone, the son's marriage goes nuclear, his wife files for divorce, gets full custody of their kid, takes kid and moves states away, they'll come to OP, and beg his forgiveness, but he'll tell them to kick rocks.⚠️

[@Girl-Supersonicboy]

Wow, im an early squad member for once 😂 S1: ... Oof, what a story. I feel so bad for everyone. I hope the grandkids dont grow up to be volatile towards their cousins because their grandfather favors his neice and nephew

[@LadyWolvie82]

I have a bad feeling that the grandkids might grow up to be volatile. Granted, the kids were placed in a too tough of a spot (finding out the affair when they were teens and quite possibly forced to keep quiet by the ex) to say anything until it was too late and OP's actions might make this worse over time. I won't be surprised when a future update comes up that proves the volatile behaviors are a major issue between the grandkids and their cousins, which would also include the daughter going completely NC with OP and the son going VLC or NC with OP.

[@chickensandwich8808]

It's likely going to happen. I dislike the ex because of her actions but I dislike OP because he is trying to hide from dealing with the pain.

[@mikimishisa]

Eh I think the kids will probably eventually not interact with their cousins at all because of this whole situation. ​@LadyWolvie82

[@sacredbeastzenon]

@@chickensandwich8808 Why does OP have to deal with his pain?

[@chickensandwich8808]

@sacredbeastzenon because that's what you do when you are a well-adjusted adult human being of over 4 decades. The man was hurt, and I don't begrudge him for that. I begrudge him for letting it fester and is now emotionally abusing his own kids. They were absolutely wrong in keeping it from him, but a lot of people were acting like they did so out of malice instead of fear or other reasons. A lot of people talk about accountability. But what they really want is punishment, not accountability. Approaching a situation from the angle it occurred in is important. If the kids were literally devious about it and selfishly supported their mom screwing over the OP, then sure blasted them. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING written by the OP suggests this was not the case, but we don't know because he's not being forthcoming with the info of the discussions between him and his kids. What's more, there is no indication that he sought out professional help to handle his issues post divorce. But is instead self soothing by going "middle of the road," which gives the kids false hope. The fact people want to blast OP's kids without understanding that there was more at play to their silence that what is being told is the issue I have. OP is clearly a good manipulater himself with how many in these comments are blindly taling him at his words when there are holes in what he is saying. Not blaming him for his feelings of betrayal, but I am blaming him for coming off fishy and also handling the situation poorly. He came to reddit to validate his poor choices on how he is handling his kids. And people in these comments would be doing that. Justifying the bad follow up to a bad situation that has nuance.

[@MM-zg4bc]

Story 2: Dated for 8 years? No. They were kids playing grown ups for 4 years. They then spent another 4 years trying to figure out what an adult relationship is. Right about now they are at the beginning of an adult relationship and they haven’t been together long enough to know if they want the same things. Around 25 to 30 you really start to learn what you want with regard to marriage and kids.

[@hanoh2904]

I won't blame children but I would 100% adults

[@vggeek13]

According to my math they wer 17-18 and 19-20 when the affair started and hope they didn't know from the beginning for the whole 5 years. So they were adults when they helped hide the affair from their dad

[@Otis56]

Maths?Do it this aint the 1500s you won't get burnt at stake

[@RandomTrinidadian]

Story 1: NTA. They were adults when they decided to protect their mother affair. Time to face adult consiquences. That is a level of betrayl that cannot be fixed by a simple apology.

[@boogitywoogity248]

The commenter in OP’s story saying his fully grown adult kids who hid the affair from him for five years are just as much victims as he is, is one of the dumbest mouth breathers on the planet.

[@hagsa]

When you're too early to read the other comments.*

[@boneymeroney2674]

I know. 😂

[@Manhandle730]

*too

[@Bucketus.Lord.of.Buckets]

Story 1: you can't stay out of things when you find out about an affair. If you try, you're siding with the perpetrator. OP's children betrayed him, even if it wasn't their intention. I feel for the man.

[@brad5167]

I agree. They chose a side by not telling, and now they are facing the consequences.

[@LadyWolvie82]

They may have been manipulated by the mother to hide their knowledge of the affair, something that OP left out which we don't know. Anytime a parent has an affair, the kids are stuck in the middle of the mess it creates, regardless if they knew of the affair or not. A parent shouldn't force a child to choose sides (my mother couldn't stay faithful in any of her three marriages, but I never knew of her affairs until after she died in 2021; my sperm donor and I stopped talking for different reasons in 2009, he had time to tell me this stuff before 2009, but chose not to - he always had a habit of hiding information from me). OP needs to direct all that anger at the mother, and for him to force sides with his kids is a bit of an AH move in my opinion. I won't be surprised if the daughter goes completely NC with OP (their reactions hinted at they were manipulated into stay quiet once they found out) and the son goes VLC with OP in the future, who did mention that the relationship they had with their mother suffered too.

[@brad5167]

@@LadyWolvie82 The kids were adults when he found out. They should have known by then what is the difference between right and wrong. If they were kids, it would be different but as adults, no sympathy. They could have at least told him about it. I honestly don't think as adults they were pressured into keeping quiet.

[@VitorHugoOliveiraSousa]

​@@LadyWolvie82nah, stop this bullshit. They were not kids, 17 year old are not kids. And they probably knew about the after much later when they were definitely not kids. My brother hated my mother because of her abusive behavior, my father thought that this would be enough to flaunt his affairs and his affairs child in front of my brother and have him support him. When my brother came back from the trip with my father, he told everything to my mother. He was 14-15. Teenagers are already more than capable of doing moral reasoning. Imagine betraying a parent that you love? And even you accept this nonsensical excuses of yours of "manipulation", it changes nothing. His children have shown they have no moral compass, they are weak minded and don't have his best interest in mind. They will allow people to hurt him, and let him in toxic situation just to preserve the status quo and avoid the discomfort of conflict against the evil doers. This are not characteristics of someone you want to call family, that you want to have at your side and have access to all your vulnerabilities. This people are dangerous, even if "unintentionally". So you keep them at arms length (I would have disowned them on the spot, but to each their own).

[@wimsylogic65]

​@@brad5167 Parental influence doesn't stop at 18.

[@sabelomogari9216]

Your own children being your ops is fwuuukin insane None of these cowards thought maybe if they just sent pictures, texts etc to their dads email, fone etc ANONYMOUSLY, would've been better, than for him to realise his own kids supported the mothers affair

[@coyoteodinkar5548]

The story about chick breaking with her boyfriend of 8 years had every right to break up with her boyfriend. And it's lucky for him that she did. She's way to selfish to to be a wife let alone a mother.

[@0HellcatMary0]

OP 1 is not an AH, he's not lying to save anyone's feelings and not torturing himself by committing to relationships he no longer wants to maintain because it's what people who *are not him* would emotionally benefit from. It's a harsh reality, and it hurts to read, but I completely empathize with him. Also, anyone pointing out that his kids were kids when the affair started, or they found out about it: fair. But they weren't kids when HE found out about it. Reverse it- if somehow their father knew about their spouse having an affair, and kept it from them for the selfish reason of not disrupting the nuclear little family unit- can you conceive of a world they would forgive him? I know the parent-child power dynamic is different, but I can confidently say that at 17 I would have never kept an affair secret from one of my parents. I would gave known and been afraid of the break it would cause in the family, I would have had to brace for several terrible changes .. but I also would know right from wrong, and that my happy little bubble was not what was important. It was understandably selfish as teenagers- it was condemably selfish as 20 somethings. He devoted his life to that family, and they quite clearly chose their mother and their bubble over his wellbeing. I'm also someone who had to cut family out of my life who I loved. Cousins I looked up to, thought were the coolest, wanted to be just like, and still have love for to this day. And not for anything they directly did. But their mother is a toxic, deeply damaged woman who did everything she could to hurt me- a teenager- when my great grandmother (family matriarch) passed. I will give no inch to her, and they are her children and they are loyal to her. That's fine, but I have no interest in any relationship. I have anonymously sent money when I get word they need it (someone needs bail, someone has medical bills etc) but I have rejected every attempt at communication. It's not vindictive, I don't want them to suffer, I just don't care, and it's not worth my time and energy pretending to care. I completely understand OP.

[@BruinPhD2009]

I agree about the span and knowledge of the affair. It was not a one and done circumstance, five years is a long time to continue making the same damaging decision, wife and children.

[@ZombieSazza]

I don’t talk to my bio mother for a long list of reasons, abuse being a big one, but one thing I always hated about her growing up was how often she cheated on my dad. I didn’t understand at that age she was cheating, but I’d tell him things like “Mum went out with some weird guy and left me in the car for 2 hours, I was lonely” “I don’t like her male friend, he’s weird” After they split and before she cut all contact “Oh she left me to care for my brother all afternoon, she went partying with some guy” “Sorcha, you’re 10… how long did she leave you two?” “I dunno, 6 hours? She came back off her face so I looked after my brother and fed him” Years later as an adult I’ve been no contact for over a decade with my bio mother and brother, learned so much from my dad (only bio relative I have contact with), loads of suppressed memories of being abandoned for hours on end so she could meet affair partners on top of her cutting all contact from age 11 to be abused, neglected, and deal with a violent household (yay, free PTSD!) Cheating destroys those around you, not just the spouse, and I don’t blame OP for not wanting to talk to his children who were ADULTS and chose to stay silent! I know it’s a hard conversation but surely the choice between telling your dad, or silently green lighting an affair, it shouldn’t be a hard decision! Like if you struggle to say it out loud you could text, write a letter, send an email and explain “this is hard to say face-to-face but as my father I love and respect you and don’t wish to hide this from you”. I just don’t blame OP at all, how could you trust people like that after knowing they chose to hide her affair?

[@mikef2811]

I would never forgive my children if they betrayed me like that. That is something I can never forgive.

[@missmax2492]

When I was like 15, before my own dad's affairs came out, I saw nudes on his phone and naively thought it was from porn so said nothing. If I had seen it from a text convo or otherwise saw the source was from an affair partner, my momma would have known

[@bluedragon8762]

But he is lying to them. He doesnt love them anymore and doesnt see them really as his kids and doesnt care about them. He also very clearly doesnr forgive them. He needs to grow a sack and tell them "you arent my kids anymore my neices and nephews are my only kids dont contact me" because thats how he feels/acts. Why invite them to come over or to call when he clearly doesnt want them too? Why say he forgives them when he very clearly doesnt? Why say he is ok with contact when he clearly isnt? He is just stringing his kids along hoping the relationship can get better as he "forgave" them but he clearly just wants no contact but is to weak spined to say so

[@UchuKejiMovan]

Reddit is WILD man. They want the man whose children were co-conspirators of their mother's affair to give them the courtesy of telling them "I don't eff with you 2 anymore"

[@elizahamilton5599]

His post felt so final and that’s okay. His kids betrayed him and he has a right to be hurt by it

[@SnowyWolborg]

r/AITA is *extremely* pro child. People on that subreddit oftentimes have the expectation that the child is never wrong and that the parent should always be the bigger person. But in a situation like this, they were old enough to know right from wrong.

[@Masenken]

​@@SnowyWolborgnot just that, they just let their mom do it for 5 years. No attempts to stop her, make her come forward, nothing. They betrayed their dad in every way imaginable

[@edo0girl2.03]

He needed to do this for his OWN mental health. Laying his feelings out in the open takes the burden off his shoulders. He can now move forward without regrets. Telling his children was good for HIM.

[@ameixsell]

I remember the post, quite a few redditors wanted OP the give the daughter a second chance because she came clean after the divorce

[@AusExplorer]

Nope, screw anyone who helps hide an affair. I won't have betrayers in my life.

[@kezzmoon8917]

Markee, I love the way you narrate these stories! You have a real gift for this - not everyone can read aloud and let the story shine through. (Sorry,getting carried away!) Keep up the impressive work.👍🇬🇧💖

[@RayvenLunaNite]

Story 2: I had my first kid with a guy who I was his first. He became obsessive (along with a major other issue) so I left him. He kept threatening to kill himself if I didn't talk to him. One day I called his bluff. He works at a car wash now, I have a healthy 11 year relationship and family and 0 contact with him.

[@poohbear4515]

NTA big time. Cheating is horrible. But keeping it from someone is even worse, especially for a long time. Even if his kids didn’t want the family to break up, keeping their mother’s affair from their father is equally as worse. As grown adults, they should’ve known better. I don’t blame him at all and really, I’d have a very hard time even being around them, or even forgive them if I was OP.

[@LadyWolvie82]

I think there's more going on than what OP is saying here. No parent should force their kids to pick sides. I won't be surprised if the kids were manipulated into stay quiet by the mother, and in the future daughter goes completely NC with OP, and the son follows suit if not going VLC. OP needs to direct the anger and other negative emotions at their mother, for she put everyone in this situation in the first place. I say the second part as a child of divorced parents who wasn't told much about my now late mother until it was too late (mum died in April 2021, and it was a short time after that I found out about her infidelity for the first time; sperm donor - he and I stopped talking in 2009 for different reasons not only went beyond the open hand to discipline two of my three older siblings {they came from mum's two prior marriages}, but he also withheld info from me)

[@ninjajoker8269]

So, s2 is one of those women who asks her man what his thoughts are on things and he tells her, and is like oh he's not serious he'll change. No, he won't, or maybe he will, but you're wasting your time. He told you you didn't want to listen.

[@jgw5491]

Well, 23 isn't too late to learn. They are both very young and hopefully this is what they need to mature. She listened but didn't take on most of what he said because the relationship was *mostly* satisfying. He is angry much of the time and probably doesn't know why. "It's just the way he is". They both have needed to experience living in their own skins without the security of the relationship.Good luck to them both. NAH. Just two people who really can't be together. 💔

[@delmarhi]

Is hilarious she doesnt realize she was the biggest issue. She pressured for it all now and bailed when it was about to begin. Childish really. She’ll be with some older guy because she lacks the backbone to work for anything. How do I know this? Because like her relationship, my wife and I were together since 14…. Lifetime friends. Like most people, things don’t start falling into place until 27. Outside forces effect any plans you have. At their age I just graduated and was starting as an engineer. Within 5 years, the economy crashed and I haven’t done it since. Since then everything fell in place and life is great. Just because they’ve been together for 8 years doesn’t mean the world is going to hand her everything she thinks she deserves. Now she’s hit the reset button. Only way to get it is with an older guy…..

[@geekfreak315]

It honestly depends on what age the kids were when the affair happened, because if they were young then it's very possible that the wife manipulated those kids to be quiet. If they were adults when the affair happened then I don't blame OP at all. At that age, you are aware of the components of an affair and the effect it has on a person's life. Keeping it from your father (the victim) to "keep the peace" was very selfish of them.

[@Sauceboss1992]

Do the math they were adults.

[@elizahamilton5599]

They were adults so they were massive AH’s. I wish op the best

[@chsparkle]

It started when they were late teens though I'm not clear if they knew from the start. I could see them procrastinating several months before dad actaully found out whether they should tell him.

[@LadyWolvie82]

I don't think they knew from the start, and the mother also likely manipulated them to stay quiet (the brain doesn't stop developing until one is 25). Regardless of the aspect about the kids were teens or adults when an affair happens, the energy needs to be directed at the one who had the affair in the first place, because it affects everyone tied to it, disregarding the others' knowledge of the affair. I won't be surprised if at least the daughter goes completely NC with OP.

[@vggeek13]

My math says when the affair started they were around 17-18 and 19-20. But i hope they didn't know the entire 5 years, but they would be adults for a majority of the affair.

[@shivajones108]

Story 2: At first, I thought "8 years is a long time..." But then I doubled back for their ages. 22 and 23 yrs old? Why would a 23 yr old man have his future planned out to such a degree? That doesnt make sense to me. They're barely adults at this point regardless how long they were in a relationship. The average man isnt even emotionally, intellectually, or financially prepared for marriage and fatherhood until he's somewhere in his 30s at best. If anything, moving in together would serve as a test to see if two people are actually compatible. As wise people say "If you really want to know someone, live with them." This lady was acting like they were 28 and 29, were in a relationship for 8 years, and lived together for atleast 6 months. What the hell? She did the guy a favor

[@MarkStockman-b4j]

That sounds really alien to me. I had my career planned out from the time I was eight years old. Life had other plans, and I never got there (and it still hurts even though I'm retired now) but I made the best of the situation. Looking back, I've wanted to be a husband and father since back then also. But I told my first GF "First I get a permanent full-time job with family health insurance. Then you get a ring. Then we get married. Then we think about having kids." All those questions OP wanted her BF to answer? My wife had talked those out and a ton more within a few months of when we started dating. Married her at age 24. Coming up on 33 years a couple, 32 married.

[@hagnat]

15:30 and the Oscar for _"Best Performance While Reading a Reddit Story"_ goes to...

[@harleynovak3297]

Story 1- I grew up with a dad who worked on oil tankers. So he was gone 6 to 9 months at a time. Mother was a SAHM who always had a bf when dad was gone. She'd tell us that dad was cheating while he was gone & really vilify him. I asked why it was horrible for him to cheat but it was ok for her. She backhanded me so hard I was on the floor (her finishing move) & I was in my room for 3 weeks. We didn't tell dad. Sometimes, when the kids know things they have to keep the secret to stay safe.

[@LadyWolvie82]

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case in S1. No parent should force their kid to pick sides. I'm a child of divorced parents. Mom cheated - I never found out until after she died, sperm donor went beyond the open hand on two of my three older siblings (all three are from mum's two prior marriages for the record), had a habit of hiding info from me & he and I stopped talking in 2009, for other reasons (he had time to tell me about mum's infidelity but chose not to). Also, my heart goes out to you.

[@jankohler2514]

If you look at the age of his children you understand that it is not a reason for them as both are already adults as her cheating began. I don't want to say I don't understand your situation but that is different.

[@chickensandwich8808]

​@@jankohler2514 but you are still telling them hkw they should feel while they are providing you with a different perspective. The fact that commenters such as yourself are so willing to paint this in black and white is pretty awful. No one is giving the kids a pass. They do need to heal from it, but treating the kids as conspirators that actively intended malice and thus should be treated as such is pretty crappy.

[@damien678]

​@@chickensandwich8808 And, with the timeline... The earliest the son could've found out was when he was 12? Since the divorce happened 4 years ago, they found out about a 5 year affair, and the son is now 21. Also, children can still absolutely be abused into adulthood.

[@L33tSauceProductions]

​@damien678 It's worse. OPs story took place 4 years after the divorce and his children are 29f and 26m at the time. The affair lasted 5 years. So, at minimum, the "kids" were 20f and 17m. They were not children. They were adult enough to take a side and decided to hide their mother's affair.

[@geoffreyarnill2245]

S1: was this the first affair? Perhaps a gift of ancestry dna kits may be fun.

[@brad5167]

Hmmm, fair point but I think maybe OP consider that as well and had them tested based on how long it has been since then.

[@dejobos]

S2: Expecting someone who has just entered their 20s to have clear answers about the future is unrealistic. Only after sharing the same life together can you really understand whether you’ll stay with that person or not. She started asking him those questions when he was just 17, expecting him to become a father without knowing what the future holds. I think she saved him from making a mistake. She acts as if it's completely normal to make such a life-changing decision out of nowhere, without considering the consequences. It's like, "Okay, we'll have a baby, and then we'll figure out who will take care of it - my parents or his..."

[@MarkStockman-b4j]

Not unrealistic at all. I've wanted to be a husband and father for as long as I can remember. But it wasn't going to happen until I had a permanent full-time job with health insurance that could support a wife and child. And I and I had a career planned out at age eight. I ended up 180 degrees from the career I dreamed of for reasons, but it paid the bills.

[@ZombieSazza]

LMAO Markee’s “he’s just like me for real” sent me, because brother SAME I get so angry at bad drivers, like I’ve said some properly horrible things that thankfully stay inside the car, but goddamn do bad drivers anger me

[@kezzmoon8917]

Quite right,too. Bad drivers are rubbish -even worse, they're dangerous!👍🇬🇧

[@NotAFanOfHandles]

"Break up his marriage to our mother, who will be devastated too?" Tf you said? Who cares if she's devastated: she devastated _OP_ by cheating on him. The destruction of the marriage is solely her fault... and the destruction of OP's relationship with his kids is solely his kids' fault. They sided with her - they were fully grown adults and they sided with a cheater by not telling OP, betraying him just as their mother did. OP tried to be kind by telling them to feel no guilt... but forgiving them does not have to mean forgetting the betrayal. The trust is gone. Honestly, it also sounds like the love is gone - he sounds apathetic to them, and the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. Story 2 - Good on OP for coming to this conclusion and being willing to follow through. I wish her - and her ex - the best. (I hope he finally looks into dealing with his anger - that was rather worrisome to read.)

[@ce731]

The daughter was in her 20's -- she should have told her father.

[@iAstra]

I know it's a lot easier when you don't have feelings involved and all that, but I'm about 26:40 seconds in and OP from the update to the second story couldn't have worded her thoughts on the matter more poorly. What I'd suggest is simply saying something along the lines of "I've noticed that you don't have answers to the big questions about our future, and I can't be with someone who doesn't have clear opinions on, or at least show that they've put thought into the topics. I believe we've grown apart and aren't compatible anymore."

[@keybearer26]

Yeah she was vague as hell when confronting her boyfriend in his room, probably because without specifics she can't be held at fault for breaking up the relationship. Whenever the reason is "feelings" (which are ever changing and impossible to pin down) you can't assign accountability as readily unlike choices and decisions.

[@Raaslen]

Story 1: NTA. OP is allowed to feel how he feels about his children, and if he can't conect with them anymore that's fine. The children might not be at fault here due to the whole thing being an impossible situation for them, but to expect OP to simply ignore what happened is not ok. Actions and inactions have consequences, in this situation it's an unfortunate one but the consequences for them not teling OP early about the affair is that he might never be able to connect with them again.

[@brad5167]

I honestly don't believe it was an impossible situation. They were adults during the affair and they should have known better.

[@LLC4269]

I have all the sympathy in the world for the guy and what was done to him. What I don't have sympathy for is what he deliberately did to his kids. And for people who keep saying they were adults when they found out they weren't I come through all the comments they were 15 and 19 and the OP stated that they were terrified of losing their family. I don't excuse them at all and they should have come clean especially when they reached maturity but I can also see how something like that would snowball and compact and be an incredibly frightening thing to come clean about. actions have consequences and I can see a damaged relationship but what I cannot reconcile is that he's so cruel. He should have taken them to therapy immediately and done the hard work to at least try to salvage the relationship but he didn't do that. He chose the easy path and filled his paternal hole with his niece and nephew and put all of his effort and love and care into them instead of trying it all to save the relationship with his kids and as a parent I find that flipping on forbidable no matter what they did to him. The people excusing it baffle me. I will also say that I was cheated on And that cheater was protected and lied about by so many people that I love so I do get the anger. But that guy sucks totally for what he did to his kids. I cannot imagine the heartlessness of watching your own daughter that you raised and love for a quarter of a century breaking down in front of you and you mainly just feel relieved especially as he really didn't do anything to try to fix or repair the relationship with professional help. He's awful for that.

[@brad5167]

@@LLC4269 Yes, but how would you feel to know that a child that you loved, raised, and cared for so many years took a side (yes they took sides even by being quiet) and betrayed you? As adults, they could have told him. Instead, he had to find out and confront them. That does something to a parent. It makes them question everything which can lead to feelings being loss. I think Op did forgive them, but he can never forget which has caused all of this and his emotional changes. Betrayal like this leaves a scar that is tough to fix. In the end, ESH

[@mikimishisa]

​@brad5167 it's not that black and white. I say this as someone who has been cheated on and if I found out my children knew I'd work on things with them and making them see where they went wrong. But instead of being upfront and telling them he didn't want a relationship with them he just didn't say anything.

[@Raaslen]

@@mikimishisa To be fair I actually think OP didn't realized it himself until the situation he posted about that he didn't wanted to be close to his children, I do think he actually was sincere when he told them he forgave them and that wasn't their fault but at the same time he unconciously stayed alway from them and only when confronted started to think about it.

[@kemhug2623]

Markee, you read with so much emotion. Great job.

[@skyelindsey687]

NTA and that commenter was right, they do know better. Meaning they should’ve known to tell the OP. They chose to hurt OP rather than hurt their mother who had already destroyed the family.

[@mbyerly9680]

In the second story, OP buried the lede by not mentioning his violent temper. That alone would be enough to get the heck out of there. It would only be a matter of time before it was aimed at her. As the BF walked out of his room, he said, "I'll see you at the Friendsgiving." That does not sound like a man who has accepted the break up.

[@SilverNightx1]

S1: OP is not the AH, but the wife and kids are. The wife is obvious, but the kids(one nearly adult and the other is) were accomplices to the affair. They knew and were old enough to know that it was wrong. The father no longer caring for them and their grandkids is the consequences for their actions.

[@kazzuo32]

#1.NTA "Your children are your responsibility to protect not the other way around" what a bunch of bs, if their moral compas is soo wallable who wants them around, and if the situation is complicated do what is right, is not complicated people. And the right thing was talking to the father the betrayed victim.

[@allthekingshorsesallthekin3234]

Story 1 is why I roll my eyes every time I read a cheating story where the betrayed spouse tells their children to respect the cheating partner. Would you tell your children to respect the low life cheater down the street? It's their life and family too, they have a right to feel betrayed.

[@dmb25108]

S2: this seems like a case where she’s moving into the next stage in life and he’s not ready to. This type of scenario tends to happens all to often because women tend to mature earlier than men.

[@KeitieKalopsia]

I don’t think this is the scenario you’re making it out to be. It’s not a maturity thing. They’re both moving on to new stages of life; his just looks different than hers does. Not wanting kids is just as valid of a decision as wanting them is. You can be mature and grown up and still not be a parent.

[@D64nz]

The next stage is to get a house for your kids, then the kids come in the following stage. OP is wild for breaking up and using the kids thing as an excuse. She fell out of love and that's ok, but I can do without the lame excuses.

[@lolallday08]

So... having children doesn't make you mature.

[@keybearer26]

Women only mature earlier than men physiologically. Mental and emotional maturity varies from person to person

[@Poisonwc]

Breaking up is hard to do: It reminds me of Melissa's line from Twister when she broke up with Bill. "The funny thing is, I'm not that upset; what does that mean?"

[@fufufuaru]

nah I’m with OP. Every time I discovered my father’s affairs, I immediately told my mom regardless of what happens . tbf my dad didn’t ask or force me to be quiet. BUT i didn’t keep secrets from my dad for my mom either. trust is something I’ve learned to value a lot in my early 20s bec of the both of their stupid actions. Every time my mom wanted to do something to get back at my dad, I’d refuse to help her and told her why they were bad ideas. She had money for a lawyer, but doesn’t want to go that route but rather do petty or revenge shit 🙄

[@AntonyWard-j2p]

The children hid it for 5yrs, longer if OP had not found out. They had the option to confront their mum and say “you tell him or we will”.

[@adjwindu70]

S2: so did the op go NC with him and the entire family immediately after the break up? I find it odd that the ex is not mentioned again after he left his house and the op quick stepped it away from the ex's mom. Im guessing the families where close and, since this was around Christmas, im guess there would have been a few gatherings that could be akward.

[@MizMorgue1]

S2. OP did the right thing, and I'm damn proud of her. There are far, FAR too many couples that just sweep those feeling under the rug to keep other ppl happy, or because staying in the relationship is what's expected of them. That kind of unhappiness is poisonous and DOES affect everything in your life. Sounds like OP has an amazing support system and she's going to be just fine.

[@littlepeeper9223]

Markee you should try recording some radio drama. I think you would be good at that, you have a flair for dramatic voice acting 🥇😀

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

Right?! The pathos on that second story reading... damn!

[@vggeek13]

If my math is correct: The eldest was 19-20 when their mom started the affair, the youngest was a late teen 17 or 18. They weren't children. Now we don't know how long his kids knew, but seemingly they helped their mom hide it which is not good. They were selfish in trying to maintain the family by the betrayal of their dad. They knew right from wrong.

[@solemnpenance8134]

For story 2, I'm laughing so hard imagining the mother running after the OP as she's leaving yelling "wait! I need help with the decorations!" 😭😭😭

[@kos2919]

Yeah, OP love to write fiction. It was unfortunate that the fiction is soap opera.

[@Burglar-King]

Story 1 what a tough one. It sounds like OP has found his family. His sister, niece, nephew etc. I can’t blame the children. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place. The fact that they don’t get along with their mother tells me that they argued with her over this. They were trying to protect dad and it backfired. This is so sad…Dad, you say you have forgiven them but for what? They did nothing wrong. They tell, they break up the family, they lie through omission, they break up the family. NTAH except mother. I hope she’s proud of herself and the damage she, AND SHE ALONE caused. OP put yourself in the kids position…what would YOU have done. I couldn’t have hurt my father…I love him too much. Your children need you, your bio grandchildren need their Grandpa. Why can’t you have it all? Go to your children put your arms around them and cry.

[@aoruplaylists9729]

At this point, OP has no feelings anymore for his children and their family. No happy ending falling in each other's arms will happen. That only happens in movies. I'm sure he thought he raised them well with good values he ended up knowing how disloyal they could be. Even if the children were brainwashed young, at some moment, they have to take accountability. They had grown up, gone out in the world and developed a mind of their own but couldn't examine what happened in their own house between their parents. They have disappointed him. As a parent, you expect your children to be loyal to you and the principles ( knowing good from bad) you taught them. And they didn't even have the brains to figure out it wouldn't stay hidden forever and they would end up getting smeared by the betrayal. They are not even really sorry.

[@emanx222]

Oh no, you cannot say those kids did nothing wrong. No they aren't in any way 100% to blame but to act like they were faultless is disingenuous. You also ignore the fact that its possible to forgive while not forgetting It's easy to say all the flowery stuff like "why can't you have it all" but the reality is, the poor man was probably utterly destroyed by the affair itself, it lasted 5 years for crying out loud, that is a LONG damn time to have an affair. Were it a few months to a year, maybe I could see where you're coming from with regards to OP but it lasted 5 years! And then to find out your children (who no longer have the excuse of being called actual children since both were at the very least over 18 when finding this out) knew........nah I can't blame OP here whatsoever. I can't blame the kids either but I won't diminish OP's very painfully valid feelings. We don't know just how much (or little) OP loved his kids and if he was super close to his kids this would have utterly devastated him. He has every right to realise within himself that he isn't capable of loving his kids the way he used to anymore. He is not wromg for putting himself first when he's possibly put those kids first their whole lives only to be completely and utterly blindsided. It doesn't matter whether the ex manipulated them, it won't change the fact that they knew and didn't tell him. I feel for everyone involved in the story because it all honestly sucks

[@Burglar-King]

@@aoruplaylists9729 scenario…you catch best friends wife/husband in the street holding hands with another man/ woman. You know that if the marriage breaks up then their children are going to be on social security or at least some kind of family credit, the family will break up, their mother / father will have to do everything from that day on. Possibly starting to shout at the children because they are too tired to think straight. They will need to work more hours, children split between homes. The stability in their lives gone. Yes it’s selfish for the one with the AP. don’t simplify the issues. It’s not a bloody betrayal it’s called self preservation.

[@Burglar-King]

@@emanx222 oh no…you don’t get to simplify this. scenario…you catch best friends wife/husband in the street holding hands with another man/ woman. You know that if the marriage breaks up then their children are going to be on social security or at least some kind of family credit, the family will break up, their mother / father will have to do everything from that day on. Possibly starting to shout at the children because they are too tired to think straight. They will need to work more hours, children split between homes. The stability in their lives gone. Yes it’s selfish for the one with the AP. don’t simplify the issues. It’s not a bloody betrayal it’s called self preservation.

[@Burglar-King]

The children were damned if they did and damned if they didn’t.

[@ari-ct5dq]

He owes his children absolutely nothing. If they wanted his love and respect they should have shown him the same love and respect.

[@concrete-d5v]

I'm story 2, Idk why she would want to/expect him to "talk it out", talk about what? How much break ups suck? I understand the ex for just leaving. Sucks for the ex's mom though aha

[@MarkStockman-b4j]

Because he needs to understand what went wrong so he doesn't make the same mistakes with his next GF. He needs to actively, seriously work on his anger issues, and come up with at least a general plan for where he wants his life to go- which everyone should have by the time they leave high school. That plan can always change, but you need that framework to guide your life in some kind of halfway sensible direction.

[@GeeksOasis]

Story 2: I have to hard disagree with the general sentiment on this one. OP is being a little unreasonable. She is 22 and he is 23. They're young adults, just probably graduated college and started adulting for the first time. Why is OP expecting solid answers on major life pivoting decisions like this at 23? And what, shes been asking these questions for years, like when she was a teenager…? This biological clock anxiety would make more sense to me if she was a little older.

[@katyagrad3704]

Because they've been together for 8 years...

[@void9938]

Fully agree she's just a young person obsessed with some weird "child-family" fantasy that gets pushed on young girls and tanked a good relationship over something she probably shouldn't even be thinking of for another 5 years.

[@MarkStockman-b4j]

If you're 23 and haven't been thinking about those things since high school - or middle school- you missed the starting gun six years ago.

[@ZombieSazza]

Story 2: proud of OP, she made a hard decision, stood by her conviction, went through the pain and heartache knowing it was the right decision for herself. Also really proud of her supportive family, her brother being ready as the “get away driver” and caring for his sister, her family telling her about their first loves and supporting her, just really lovely hearing about a loving, caring family being there unconditionally on Reddit for once. Even tho OP is going through this heartbreak it’s just nice hearing about an actually loving and caring family.

[@leelourose2503]

S1.. the adult children chose a side when they decided their mother's cheating was acceptable. Imagine how they would feel if their own spouses cheated and no one told them because we must "save the marriage" for the cheater and ignore the pain of the one cheated on.

[@DragonbornMike-ym2er]

Story 1: Normally in these situations I try to be careful about blaming the kids, because I wouldn't put it past a cheating parent to also manipulate the kids into helping/keeping the secret. But these weren't "kids". They were plenty old enough to understand this was wrong and harmful to their father. But instead of warning their father, they protected their cheating mother. Even if that wasn't actually their goal or intention.

[@Sketchcook81]

My Dad cheated on my Mom and expected my brother and I to keep quiet. We did not. What those kids did to their Dad is disgusting. I don't blame him for not wanting much to do with them.

[@SashkaSiberia]

As a child who told my dad’s partner about his other partner, the anger I received from my dad wasn’t worth it.

[@MizMorgue1]

If you were a child, that's understandable. A kid should never be in that position. But lying and protecting someone that is hurting someone you love, is never the right choice.

[@tennesseedogpack]

So you obviously didn’t read or comprehend the story. His kids were adult aged when they found out not children

[@avaphynx]

You weren't a 24 year old when you did that and your dad was 🗑 for doing that to you.

[@FootLucy1013]

​@@tennesseedogpack yes, they had more understanding it's bad, but the reaction of the parent who is cheating will most likely not be less, and sometimes even more. my biodad was just s cruel when I was an adult as he was when I was a kid, if he cheated idk what I would do even as an adult if my mom and him were together. while I do not know the situation in story 1 (not at the update), they formed their choices based on how both parents treated them as kids when they told the truth or there was an issue

[@krisCrashTV]

Yeahhh the messenger often gets shot, but these weren't kids anymore when it happened? weren't they around 20?

[@lalvarez5151]

Story 2- Op needs to see a therapist. That is too much hysteria. She didn't even try to talk it out with him, she just found an excuse to break up. she should have broken up with him when his family was NOT around

[@ariste01]

I'm sorry, but Idc how old my kids are(currently 23 and 16), I would never blame them for not getting involved in something like that between my husband and I. They should never have to choose loyalties, and i can't blame them for not wanting to blow up their own lives. I'd be even angrier at my husband for putting them in that position, but I wouldn't get angry with my girls or cut contact. That said, I do think they'd tell me, certainly the youngest would without hesitation.

[@bbjjbb61]

You are an insightful dude, Markee.

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

He really is. His recaps at the end of stories is one of my favorite parts.

[@timbit8670]

Always happy to see you Markee

[@Siinwu]

wow 1st one, betrayed by your wife and adult son and daughter... i hope OP come to his senses and leave things for his sister and nephews, clearly his own dont give a damn about OP other than his money, yikes!

[@Cl0ckcl0ck]

His 29F was at least 20 if she found out on day one of the cheating but probably a bit older. Yeah, this is a case of siding against the victim. Max 5 years of lying by omission to her dad. No wonder she feels guilty. She destroyed the relationship with her dad completely by her own choice. OP is right that he isn't going to fake being the loving grandfather and dad with her. Her her have the guilt and regrets. I guess she must really look forward to explaining to her kids why GP is never around. Probably tells them lies too.

[@kleibeest]

Tell her you’ll consider changing the kids names when she changes her name to snickerdoodle pants legally

[@selinesbeau]

The person you are as a teen and who you are as an adult are usually wildly different . Some mature earlier, but it's rare.

[@cpaul9269]

S1 - YTA for effectively telling your kids, "it's OK," and then treating them this way - it isn't fair. OP owes them an explanation - nothing more - but at least an explanation.

[@janenorwood1614]

Story 2- I WISH I was smart enough to listen to my gut at 22! It would have saved me a decade of a bad relationship. It hurts because it was comfortable and no one wants to be the bearer of bad news

[@randomusername3873]

"they didn't want to hurt you" Ah yeah, betraying someone while actively helping the person screwing them over, notoriously the best way to not hurt someone

[@fred_derf]

"He told me he was alright with kids" -- don't you want to be with someone who wants kids? Not just someone willing to tolerate their existence? It's time for you to recognise the sunk-cost fallacy and breakup, then find someone who wants kids.

[@anniedeedrix6732]

Ask him after 25 .. just because u 8 years together , does not mean he suppose to know answers you want He is 23 .. his brain is not even developed omg

[@JAYBOXPOWER1987]

What I find insane is that the commenters are telling OP to work on the relationship with his kids, but they were 18 when they knew about the affair didnt say a damn thing to OP. If it was me in that position, I'm cutting you off the will and inheritance, and we go no contact. Not only I get betrayed by my wife but my kids as well?! Fuck all yall. Im washing my hands of them and Im done. I'll keep everything to myself. Those children should not be coddled since they knew about the affair. I would act like you dont exist to me at all.

[@bjmitchell9203]

S2, fast forward 5-10 years after she’s been on the dating carousel, probably a single mother and she bumps into him w/ his wife and kids…😂

[@nannyogtha]

You look nice with the facial hair and haircut! Seems you’re thriving in captivity. 😁

[@KonekoPurrrfection]

Haha in captivity... I love this 😂

[@fred_derf]

This is an of example of why you shouldn't help someone hide their affair from someone you (profess to) love.

[@Britnatural]

Ops kids where adults, what's wrong with these people... I would never trust them.

[@BeenNoticing]

NTA. Too bad for his treacherous spawn that he had surrogate kids the whole time so he never lost out on any parenting. His own kids probably resented how much he cared for the niece & nephew over the years already and part of why they betrayed him to begin with. He doesn't need his kids or their kids. He's had better ones the whole time.

[@puananihoku7302]

if they were my adult children, I would not want anything to do with them for a very long time. Their choice, their consequence. Because my children are my life, that would be too hurtful.

[@momohouse44komodocriss]

I whould have disowned them without a second thought.

[@BUGt95.]

2nd story: You're just a placeholder for him. Dump him and move on for someone who is on the same page as you for relationship goals.

[@OuchingTigerLimpingDragon]

Story 2: Oh geeze, I'm... kind of in the same place as OP with my husband. We were high school sweethearts, got engaged, I broke it off, 5 years later we got back together and married, and it's been a good decision, BUT... he doesn't seem to put the work in that I want and need. I'm not sure if it's a him thing or a me thing, as we both had very dysfunctional upbringings. I'm starting therapy so that I can determine if it's just something like an improper attachment style from my end, if my desires are unrealistic and warped. Hopefully I'll get some clarity, but the rub is that, well, I literally can't leave. I'm too disabled to work, and I need his medical insurance to literally survive. So even if I realize it's not me... I can't leave. It's a sobering realization. I love him, but I know that things could, and SHOULD, be better. It's not bad, it's just not great, you know?

[@nicknitro86]

Oh poor girl, she's breaking the relationship yet she'll be the one to get all of the comforting. He'll be the bad guy no matter what.

[@TwiggyHetfield27]

Story 1: I'm going ESH. I feel for the guy about his own kids & he has every right to want to distance himself from them BUT to take that out on his own grandkids is MASSIVELY screwed up! Grandpa, why don't you ever see us? Well kiddos, your parents did something I can't fully forgive so I'm taking it out not only on them but on you as well. Don't worry though I've got a college fund set up for you. Don't call me again. ^^THAT'S what I'm picturing. "I don't want a relationship with my grandkids because my kids did something messed up." But that's just me. Story 2: This guy is... comfortable. So comfortable to the point he doesn't want to go further. He picked a point & is staying there. If OP wants more she needs to get out because she's going to get no where with this guy & she's still young. After Update: Him just putting on clothes & walking out proves how immature he is. OP wanted to talk about things 8 years NEEDS a conversation & instead of communicating he leaves.

[@davidnash8208]

How is he supposed to form a relationship with his grandkids when he doesn't have one with their parents?

[@wraith176]

Story 2: congratulations OP you have tasted the bittersweet fruit of adulthood

[@neil999ish]

We are constantly told that children are 'maturing' earlier physically and mentally and should be treated as such. Yet when they do something 'seriously' wrong pre 18+ in some areas, we get told still they are 'still' children!, and shouldn't be held to 'adult' standards! Conseqences need to be taught, that if you do some thing wrong you will be held to account. This is either a public wrong or familial wrong.

[@thebhome]

I had this with my ex before my husband. However I didn't have the screaming voice in my head, instead I just mentally broke. I went to my room, locked it, walked into my closet, sat in the farthest corner and just started scream/crying. My dad broke in my door and had to hold me for a few minutes. (my break up also tied into losing 15-20 friends because of a cheating scandal among the group). I had bad trauma with finding those awful girl-friends who just belittle you and say its friendship. So losing 15-20 friends plus my bf was too much for me. I dumped his shit in trash bags, left them outside his front door. and when his sister caught me leaving, she said "Your person is out there...its not him, trust me." and I wanted to cry. His high schooler sister knew it from the get-go. 2 years together with him wanting to break up after 6 months but just riding it out for "the right time."

[@brandonshelp4682]

Story 1: the children are absolutely a-holes. They made the choice to betray their father. A 5 year old that can't comprehend can be forgiven. A teen who knows what's going on is a Judas. They're indefensible.

[@TheMostPwettyiestPwincess]

Sorrows, sorrows, prayers.

[@radish6740]

Poor ex boyfriend. Just enjoying his morning, Christmas music, mom w/ the tinsel, fleece pj’s, just drinking his morning coffee…. Enter OP

[@ManliestofMen]

Story two: the guy dodged a bullet.

[@tulipberry1248]

I found out about my mums affair when I was 10. It sent me into a deep depression and it took me quite a while to get the courage to tell my dad because I didn’t want to break my family and hurt my him. You really don’t understand unless you’re in the kids place. And op even told his kids that he is happier with he is with his niece and nephew. That must’ve stung so bad. I get that op also feels betrayed by his children. Now his children’s relationship is suffering with both their parents and I don’t think they deserve it. No one sucks except stupid, selfish, pos cheaters.

[@vggeek13]

We don't know how long they knew about the affair but they were both adults 21 and 25 when the parents divorced and still actively helping their mom hide it when it was discovered.

[@mikimishisa]

​@@vggeek13they were 15/19 adding the math up.

[@missmax2492]

I doubt they knew from the very start but even then hiding it for a long time really devastates​@@mikimishisa

[@develyntwocentshenderson5739]

the guy doesn't want to commit, period. he has signaled this for years. and with kids.. the 'no' wins.