My Ex-Husband Who Cheated On Me Turned My Kids Against Me For My Glow Up r/Relationships

[@wackyiv219]

Ngl the kids sound stupid, especially the one getting married, what is his fiance saying about her future husband saying "his father wouldn't have cheated if she kept up her appearance"? Bro gonna repeat history

[@Obiwantuan]

The real dummy is OP, nowhere in the story did she mentioned telling her kids about her POS ex-husband affairs. She decided it was a good idea to play a fake happy couple for her kids sake and look how it turned out, she lost her kids. To the kids, she made no effort for their perfect dad but is now trying hard for a new man, I would be pissed too if I had not been told the truth. I don't feel sorry for her at all.

[@TheSpaceTurtle]

Um, did you not listen to the story? 8 minutes in she said that her kids knew about her husband cheating and not just one time was it mentioned.

[@nilianstroy]

And when daughter gets cheated on, she will turn to op for comfort, hopefully op tells her to go ask her father for it...

[@KCohere33]

Yup. He learned from the best 😂

[@kaykay8855]

@@Obiwantuanthe children knew

[@geminigenu]

I hate that the commenters that OP addressed belittled her and thought the worse of her. OP should be allowed to live her life. I hate that she feels like she has to dim her glow just to appease her children. OP’s husband is remarried. Isn’t she allowed to be happy? Isn’t she allowed to live her life?

[@blix_xo]

Thats what irked me entire time. The comments threw her down for taking care of herself, god forbid, but nothing much toward the man cheating on her, tearing her down, or the kids doing the same and not taking in tbe sacrifices she had made for them. I'd walk away from all of them.

[@MrsWheezer]

Yes! Even if her glow up was done with an eye to hook up with random men every Saturday night, that has absolutely nothing to do with the destruction of the marriage thanks to Daddy’s shallow little wandering eye.

[@moebiusjdx7288]

Those commente reeked of Redpill, Manosphere, horseshit.

[@mesquitemagic]

I'm sure those were men and trad-wife posters.

[@geminigenu]

@@mesquitemagic that makes perfect sense. They love blaming the wife for a failed marriage.

[@owl7072]

I worry about the son's future wife if this is how he treats his own mother. If I was in a relationship with someone and heard they were treating their parent like shit because of something as vain as _this,_ I'd be side eyeing them _hard_ and ending the relationship, cause how are you gonna see that one parent cheated and then side with them on the fact that the victim didn't "try hard enough" with their appearance and therefore deserved it?? Especially when you _know_ it's mainly because they were taking care of _you?_ I'd be too worried that they're gonna cheat on _me_ in that case if I don't stay exactly the way they liked me, and that's not a stress I would be willing to deal with.

[@Draggonny]

Yep, son is a red flag parade. Also, his wife isn't expected to just maintain her looks, remember. She has to glow up as and when he says so up to and including going under the surgeon's knife. Risking all kinds of medical complications. And what's going to happen if they botch her? He'll go find someone more attractive of course.

[@carlrood4457]

...and the daughter will either be the same or pick a series of "daddy clones" who cheat on her.

[@KCohere33]

OP dropped 200# of dead weight. That’s why she had energy to “glow up.” I know they’re her kids but god, they suck for this! Seriously, I’m so mad on her behalf! 😡

[@Rose-yt5hi]

If OP is past child-bearing age, time to adopt a new and better kid to go with her new and better looks. Lmao. The ones she have now are beyond sucky and stupid.

[@mythking541]

More like 500-600 lbs with how the "kids" are acting.

[@LadyWolvie82]

It's more like 500 pounds of dead weight at the very least. OP is in the right. She went at the glow up on her terms at her own pace. That pace will differ from one person to the next.

[@Marstic666]

So a woman is expected to keep a full time job, keep fit, dress nice, hair done, makeup done, cook, clean, raise kids, have the libido of a rabbit, and never complain just to keep a husband who cheats. OPs ex and kids can take a flying leap.

[@Draggonny]

OP's kids need to go watch Mad Men so they can see how bad their 1950's domestic dream really is.

[@Songbirdstress]

Especially Carla...

[@Frazzled_Chameleon]

So OP's ex can cheat, divorce, move on and get remarried...but OP is expected to stay frumpy, single, and alone forever and ever? Larry, Carla, and Steve can get bent. Live your best life, OP.

[@sovereigncrux]

It's because if OP gets into a new relationship, she won't be available 24/7 for the ADULT children to use and mooch off of. These "kids" were raised with privilege and have that entitled mindset which their father adapted once becoming a lawyer. They witnessed firsthand the miserable life OP had while married to their father and they witnessed her small scale life after the divorce. They want their mother, who sacrificed her happiness and dignity to remain their caretakers into adulthood, to continue making herself 'small' so as to not draw attention her way and to remain lonely for the rest of her life. Those are not healthy wants for your own parent, or anyone you love - one should want the best for them. I am guessing when they are much older, the kids will take care of Daddy and his money, but mom will be sent to a care home.

[@buckeyenative1365]

OP did all the work while Larry got to be the fun dad. He will be the golden parent until he turns on his kids. Then they will crawl back to OP, offer apologies, and then guilt trip if she decides to stay low contact with them.

[@randomusername3873]

I hope staying together "for the kids" was worth it

[@Jasonfallen71]

Not exactly… she’s supposed to *return* to a frumpy single unattractive old maid to satisfy the manly needs of the ex husband who clearly has his 💩 together so much that his current bed warmer can’t satisfy his needs. He needs to put his ex down to feel like a man. The kids are actually worst tho. OP needs to tell them she’s seriously considering two laaaaate term abortions.

[@dvonart]

imagine being a grown ass adult and throwing a tantrum because your mother dyed her hair

[@Zerohero_007]

Those kids don’t appreciate the sacrifices their mother made for them, working full time, did all the house work, and still raised and took care of them. As adults they should have realized that OP literally sacrificed all her time for them and yet they choose to side with the liar and betrayer.

[@kanelovec4315]

Even if op had a "glow up" in the past, nothing would change. The ex saw himself above op and wanted her to "make up the difference." Op wasn't to change for someone unfaithful and made her out as a monster.

[@lina9535]

Yes. You should also not do those types of changes (plastic surgery) for your partner. They should love you for who you are, and not try to change the one you claim to love (especially not to fit some "preference")

[@cami1700]

If she had the plastic surgery he wanted OP to have, he would still find something else to pick her apart. Like you said, he saw himself above her. I'm glad that OP never gave into his demands and that she appreciates her own looks.

[@MrJpaynebb]

Really hope we get an update after that brunch. I wonder also do the kids know how long and how many affairs dad had while married to OP? Divorced parents Don't need to share every detail with their kids but they do need to be sure they know age appropriate information so that same lying, manipulative ex won't gaslight the kids against them.

[@Mermain123]

even if she did get that glow up you just know the goalpost would have kept moving

[@WhitneyDahlin]

Yeah I completely agree with you. Cheaters will cheat no matter what. Even if she looked the best she could possibly look, she could never magically make herself 20 years younger 😂 the dad didn't choose someone his own age who was beautiful, he chose a younger woman. To be fair though I do think it was just excuses on her end. Because her husband wanted her to look better and obviously would have paid for her to have nice haircuts and designer clothes and spa treatments too since he was willing to pay for everything else including any surgery if she had wanted it. She could have paid for help with the kids, she could have paid for help around the house, she could have gotten spa treatments and new clothes and hair She chose not to. Do I think that would have ultimately made a difference? No I don't think it would have. But her children would have at least seen her *trying*. Instead of only now seeing her trying that she's single. The dad is evil no matter what. But OP is refusing to admit she just didn't want to try. It's obvious they had the money to try she just chose not to. Probably because she knew in her heart it wouldn't make a difference but still she's just making excuses for why she didn't try instead of just f****** telling the kids the truth. Because the kids aren't wrong. She didn't think her marriage was worth trying for and so she didn't.

[@benbraden9133]

Unfortunately the parent that is less stressed, and does less work towards parenting, is always the more fun one to be around for a kid precisely because they aren’t tired and stressed all the time. They’re following in his shallow footsteps because you were the one keeping them on track, and he was the one spending big money on them and giving them fun. I’m so sorry this happened. They are a lost cause and it’s not your fault

[@valgardener7656]

Yes, sure! My family was like this. Fun dad who sat back and did nothing. Cross and "mean" mommy who did all the work. We kids wised up to this dynamic when I was 8 years old. Adults with less sense get zero sympathy from me. They are just bad people.

[@lina9535]

If I was OP, I'd just turn to the ex, regarding the "post baby tummy pooch" and say "And who's fault do you think it is that I have it, huh? Because I didn't get pregnant on my own mister." Then again, I can be petty af xD

[@maryjanedodo]

I bet her ex isn't even that good looking

[@LadyWolvie82]

Same!

[@kentario1610]

@@maryjanedodo his new partner sure isn't with him for his looks or great personality...

[@SteviiLove]

Op's kids do realize that even super attractive people get cheated on, right? If Shania Twain and Beyoncé get cheated on, what hope is there that maintaining looks alone would ever be enough? It's just delulu. OP, do yourself a favor and go low contact. You don't have to sacrifice your own peace and happiness for your adult kids anymore.

[@angelaa7388]

Those kids don't understand that her frumpiness is not a valid reason for divorce. Ex husband was being extremely shallow, and apparently it rubbed off on his kids.

[@nyxspiritsong5557]

Those kids sound about as awful as the father.

[@kp2223]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

[@Ecclectic_citcelccE]

Those "children" might be deflecting their own guilt, maybe even unconsciously. They know that the reason OP didn't glow up during the marriage is because she was their nurturer as well as chief, cook and bottle washer in her off hours. Their "dad" is blaming Mom but they know deep down that it's not true so the little kid in them is blaming themselves. They're going to need therapy to see that for themselves and not perpetuate the dad's values.

[@trout512]

I think they also know they can take it out on their mom, treat her like trash and she won't throw them away. Even though she really, really should at this point, if only to prove actions have consequences. Dear old dad wouldn't even hesitate, the first sign he sees of something he doesn't like, they're out. Subconsciously or consciously they know this. So they're punching down because it's easier and less risky than acting like adults and dealing with the actual source of the problem. Plus it gives them points with the narcissistic man-hor that is their father.

[@kp2223]

S1 is a prime example of why you should not stay together for the kids

[@LadyWolvie82]

Exactly.

[@angeloliver7613]

Wow, the children are awful. 😐 And 27/25 are not little children anymore.

[@kp2223]

Willing to get dad is in their ear saying what they are foisting onto op

[@thefilmcritic3409]

S1: Wtf is up with these entitled children of divorce stories?? This is just like the one where they expected the mom to caretake for her ex. This is just so messed up

[@davidghahe6372]

Love how op needs to stop dating but Larry can date and marry who ever the kids are hypocrites how stupid

[@Draggonny]

Let's call it as it is: sexism. The woman has to devote all her time to her kids, cook, clean, look like a model and treat her husband like a king but he doesn't even have to be faithful to her apparently. He can cheat during the marriage but she can't date when she's single because they have double standards. The kids are grown and married but mum will always be their mother first and a person second. It's some 1950s style, good old-fashioned sexism.

[@rachaeldumas7432]

Im so glad you started saying "sit back, relax, and chuck a prawn on the barbee. Let's get right into it. Cheers!" I especially missed the "cheers."

[@wildwikedwanderer1208]

Story 2: it’s always freaking cancer. Can we call it karma and trauma. Cause even if he was a dick of a dad. If the dad isn’t faking cancer this is gonna be some fresh trauma for the kids

[@hennessya96]

Yeah. That guy is a pos who got cancer. Can't blame OP for the decision to make the most of what he has but i really hope the dad at leadt treats him right for the last bit of time he has because otherwise OP is just traumatizing themself for the father to get to rest in undeserved peace

[@johnbradbury8610]

Ops mother is also the AH for minimizing OP's feelings. I think he is making a big mistake in allowing his father to manupulate him even more. he will probably cut the trip short so he can buy his favorite son an ice cream cone

[@SapphireVirgo]

​@@johnbradbury8610 yup ,he's definitely faking cancer to keep his son around, he wants to emotional amd mentaly torture his kid .

[@carlrood4457]

OP should inform her son's fiancée about his support of his cheating father. Her daughter is conditioned to marry a guy who'll cheat.

[@BruinPhD2009]

Story 1: why should OP have to defend herself against Reddit comments on top of her so-called family? They're all AHs for that and so much more.

[@kimsvisualdiary]

The son rationalizing the dad’s behavior is indicative that he sees cheating as the woman’s fault. That means he absolutely will blame his soon to be wife if he starts straying.

[@randomusername3873]

His mother told him for his entire life that cheating is completely fine, not surprised "I stayed for the kids" sure, sure lol

[@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64]

Only thing the road trip shows is that the father is still a POS, I refuse to believe it's anything more than a pathetic attempt to lessen his guilt for being a deadbeat. Still, I understand that OP should do whatever he needs to make himself as happy as he can, though it is a shame that people will be mad at OP for his decision and he'll probably get a slew of negativity, all because Reddit often forgets that these are real people with complex thoughts and emotions and not dolls made to play out revenge fantasies.

[@Draggonny]

The father is absolutely a POS trying to earn forgiveness before he has to meet his maker. He's still being a selfless prick. But I'm glad that OP is going to take a chance rather than live in regret. His dad can still mess it up and break his heart but OP will never have to blame himself for not trying to rebuild their relationship when he had the chance. We always regret the chances we didn't take more than the times we took a chance and lost.

[@SapphireVirgo]

I don't belive the dad is sick one bit ,he was a shit, absent, neglectful narcissist father amd still is his selfishness clearly knows no bounds . people like that will do the most extreme things in order to get what they want and he wants his son under his thumb that way the emotional abuse he's put that boy through to continue because he loves hurting his kids .

[@demonheart13]

I wonder if the wedding is being funded by daddy and ex is the real reason son isnt inviting mom. I wander how much dad has been financially controlling them, and they are upset because, like OP before the divorce, they dont know what other options they have. When you let your kids witness your abuse without question, they will normalize it. If you dont fight for yourself they will assume the abuse is justified.its been proven time and time again, please dont take abuse for your on sake, but more importanlty, fot the sake of your children. That daughter has grown up thinking this is what she needs to do to be a succefful wofe and that son has learned this is how you treat your wife. (Wander if fiance knows any of this because most women would clock the red flags.

[@LovesGaming37]

Screw the kids and ex. I bet the ex lied about why they divorced.

[@evees1346]

story 1 - Larry is using his kids to hurt OP, that is parent alienation and is just to gain symphaty. we as humans sometims judge without having both versions of an event, we should not even judge in the first place but we do. OP should be as truthfull as possible and tell her kids her side of the story, blunt, honest and as real as you can be, so her kids understand how she lived her marriage. she should be very clear that she is not changing back and this is her new self. when women have kids, they are priority number 1 for the first years, which is natural, as they grow, we start to get more time for ourselves and do all the things that we pause for our kids. men dont do that, (maybe some) men keep having their hobbies, their careers, their fiends, they remain exactly the same, because in most times, women carry all the weight of raising kids, managing household and in some cases even working full time jobs, its very demanding, but we do it out of love for our kids and family hope OP's kids take that hate blindfold their dad put and start understanding OPs side

[@Mama_Bear_of_3]

When I first started listening to story 1, I did not pay the right attention in the beginning. So, I was thinking these teenagers are struggling with the divorce. But, then I realized the "children" are 25 and 27!!! WTF!

[@livewellwitheds6885]

story 1 I feel so bad for op. in high school I dated a kid whose mom went thru a divorce and had a glow up. I was always close with his family, and tried to support his mom who had made many sacrifices for his cheater dad. my ex bf was super resentful of his mom for moving on and not trying to fix things [post divorce] and even tho I was still in high school I remember trying to defend her and explain that she deserves a life of her own. he did go LC with his mom for a long time. this story reminded me of those IRL experiences

[@katphish30]

S1: Omg, her kids are the worst 😳

[@KCohere33]

They get it from their scumbag father.

[@CircusoftheMoon]

Story 1 is proving the saying “don’t have kids with a person unless you want kids exactly like them” to be 100% true. Clearly they get their lack of intelligence from their father.

[@lilywong9672]

Time to disown the kids.

[@BoatsBigDay]

I thought this said drown💀💀

[@Avoidnow]

The kids have no position, what a bunch of ungrateful brats

[@whitneybennett4857]

In OP's place, I would disown them. I doubt there's anything she can say that would change how they feel about her, regardless of whether or not they know the full story. And right before cutting contact with the daughter, I'd say, "You know, maybe if I wasn't forced to waste so much of my life nursing your ungrateful ass back to health while your father was busy jumping from bed to bed, I probably could've had a lot more time to work on myself." Cruel? Maybe. I typically hate people who make their kids feel like a burden due to circumstances beyond their control, but ffs, OP's offspring are grown adults in need of a harsh reality check.

[@mezzokitty247]

@@whitneybennett4857 same, and this sounds especially petty and cruel, but if I was OP I would’ve also told the kids before cutting contact with them and disowning them that 1. It was their fault that I was “frumpy and plain” since I had to waste my time and resources raising them instead of keeping up my appearance, 2. That I wish I never had them because they turned out to be just like their cheating ass of a father, and 3. I know the son will end up cheating on his fiancé and the daughter will purposely stay with a man who cheats on her since their father taught them that men cheat and that women cannot have any self respect. They already hate OP on their own so OP saying these things to them couldn’t really change anything there and would be a great source of petty revenge. Make them feel the way they made OP feel. Insanely cruel sounding, I know, but just sending back the same energy.

[@radsjet]

Story 1: its pretty simple what happend here, ops husband went into a toxic work enviourment and that gradually changed him into a toxic person to. Then instead of leaving she keept her mouth shut and let him step all over her infront of the kids, while saying its her fault and not his. None of it is ops fault, and their adults now, but she really should have got them out of there or stop trying to be the bigger person and tell them the truth of how she felt when they were young. To them, they have always been told and shown this is right, so of course thats what they think.

[@poetryqn]

Story 1: No, you didn't have a great relationships with your adult kids. They took after your crap ex and expect you to be their doormat. Let Steve do what he will about his wedding. Glow on, sister. EDIT: WHAT??? NO UPDATE about how that weekend brunch went, @Markee??? Sigh...postus interruptus...

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #1: It's very sad that her kids are so shallow and sided with her ex. It's time to cut her losses and move on. Continuing to cater to them will only make her miserable. The irony is that the ex will clearly never be satisfied and that the kids will discover the down sides of being like Daddy as they grow older.

[@dianasponsler3567]

First post: as a stay at home mom, when on a post graduation holiday, I was dissed by a child and just left the situation. In a follow-up conversation we ironed out how my constant presence led to his presence and involvement being more highly valued because of its relative scarcity. (He was always present and involved, just not full-time as I was.) we ironed it out and dynamics shifted. I hope your discussion with your kids is as satisfying.

[@nerdygeekgamer5528]

Who tells their own MOTHER they aren't ALLOWED to be HAPPY and BLOSSOM into a new person after DIVORCE that's INSANE to say something like that hey MOM NO DATING AND NO NEW YOU at this point OP is better off just cutting contact with her kids at this point all they are is being TOXIC and thier FATHER is NO DIFFERENT than they ARE

[@boneymeroney2674]

Story 1. Op should be glad she is seeing her adult children are 💯 AH's.

[@ayanaatthrivebewhole]

Her husband was abusive! And these kids are falling in his footsteps. Sad

[@maryjanedodo]

Story 2 - the Dad just wants to take OP to College for selfish reasons - it's not for the sons benefit.

[@DaBaseBallZ]

Story 2:Dad chose his family,So OP simply chose his. But that mother has issues,NTA at all Update:Well,It's OP's call now,But OP is still in the right even if he still says no

[@tonyblake7569]

Even after the update I'd still go no contact with dad. 1 year of him being there would make it worse for me. I'd wonder if he can be there for me now why couldn't he when I needed him? He was already dead to op so giving him a taste of what he could have had knowing it's only for a very short time before it will be gone forever is just cruel.

[@MrJpaynebb]

​@@tonyblake7569 whether he cut him off or wants to spend time with him during his last few years OP isn't wrong. He is young but has learned something many of us don't until older. Minimize your regrets in life. If OP thinks he will regret spending these last few years with dad before he dies then he should bond with him.

[@nykthosacolyte5710]

​@@tonyblake7569and you would most likely regret saying no. Several of my partners had HORRIBLE fathers. And when they died while they were in their late teens/early twenties they were flooded with regret and still feel guilty about it. One the last thing she said was that she hated him, and wished he would die because he was like OPs. My current partner's father died homeless during COVID after losing his toes from the cold while homeless months earlier because nobody would open their doors for him and the shelters were having problems due to COVID. She has a serious medical condition that gets her in the hospital every few months and stopped informing him when she was hospitalized after he got them evicted for non payment in subsidized housing despite her getting disability and having the cash for rent because he was too afraid of looking like a bad dad to just tell her that he didn't have the money and didn't realize how much he messed up even hiding that they were being evicted instead of telling her until the police showed up to actually take them out because he kept convincing himself he would find some way to get the money despite not being able to work and barely being able to walk around. EVERYONE knew he did love her if you heard him talk about her.. except for her after they got evicted, because she let his TERRIBLE decisions which justifiably made her angry with him blind her to the fact to him she was the world. Guilt hit her hard over spending several years making it clear he had no place in her life anymore and that she wanted nothing to do with him despite the reality that he was a terrible father in almost every way except for loving her... Nobody could blame her for hating him, but a lot of people understand that regret often hits like a truck when they die if you do. Because part of you thinks about what was or should have been. The reality is it's best to try to reach a point where you are able to actually be at peace if you know they likely won't live long... And that is showing them kindness and grace even if keeping them a bit away. Let the man drive you, talk once a week or two on the phone for a few minutes before having to go. Because them dying thinking you hated them even if you did... Tends to hit you harder than you expect it to.

[@tonyblake7569]

@@MrJpaynebb I was just saying what I'd do, not what I think op should do. Personally I'd regret spending the time with him more than not. He wasn't there for op before, it's harder to miss what you never had. So if I spent that time with him I'd miss that when it was gone and be mad it took him dying to want to spend time with me. If he could make time for me when he had so little why couldn't he before? But again that's me, not my advice for op.

[@Frazzled_Chameleon]

Story 2: I dunno. The whole "I only want to connect with you because I'm dying and won't have to put up with you for very long. I'll do this token road trip and then ditch you to spend my final moments with the people I REALLY care about..." Just sounds like OP is setting himself up to be disappointed and hurt again. If his sperm donor wasn't dying, he wouldn't even be giving him the time of day.

[@DragonflyandTheWolf]

I have never jumped on the "disown your adult children" train, even if they deserve it, but I'm jumping on it now. They think she was being LAZY??? WHILE SHE WAS BUSY RAISING THEM AS A SINGLE MARRIED MOTHER??? 🤬 Their father CHEATED ON HER ALL THE GD TIME and SHE'S not allowed to move on with her life?!? Somehow HIS cheating is HER fault?? 🤬🤬 Girl, let those kids do what they want. Live your life.

[@DragonbornMike-ym2er]

Some times people will glow up after a relationship because they only took the issue(s) seriously after the break up was a wake up call, which can be pretty crappy to the ex. But sometimes it's because the ex or how you were treated is what was actually weighing you down. And this definitely sounds like the later. But that son is just a mess, and will no doubt become the same man his father is. And if we're being honest, it wouldn't have mattered how OP looked. Cheaters gonna cheat no matter what excuse or reason they have to come up with. Hopefully one day the kids will realize these things, but I wouldn't hold my breath over it. They blatantly don't respect or love their mother.

[@Draggonny]

Most people glow up after a relationship ends. It's a pick-me-up for bruised pride and when you're back on the market you try to look attractive. It might be different if OP had actually let themselves go. It's valid to leave if your partner turns into a disgusting, unwashed goblin or something but he didn't even leave, he just cheated. She didn't fall below acceptable standards of presentation and hygiene, he moved the goalposts after she was locked in with marriage and kids. She still hasn't had the surgery he wanted. She's still staying true to her values. Their father hasn't been cheated out of anything because she's still not the person he wanted her to be.

[@theresaschuebel5151]

My husband cheated on me and told me that I had let myself go. My girls told him that his cheating and changing from the dad/ man they used to know. My kids are 28 and 25 and they hate their dad ad a person but still spend time with him out of respect for their grandfather who feels the same why they do. My girls want me to heal and then when I am ready they want me to find someone that's going to tret me right

[@Draggonny]

I'm glad your daughters aren't garbage humans. It's great that they treat you right. That isn't a high bar but OP's kids make it look like an impossible feat.

[@EluneAnzu]

Story 2: The classic story of a Deadbeat parent who realized their time is running out so they're having their Cats in the Cradle phase.

[@castironpan7967]

Im getting really sick of the word frumpy. It sounds so ugly when it just means low-effort comfort when youre too busy to dress up.

[@randomusername3873]

I love how people still act like cheaters are human being and not souless beasts

[@mikef2811]

S2: Once bridges are burn, it is burned. I do not care but OP can do what is best for him

[@Rose-yt5hi]

I don’t disagree with OP’s choice for himself but it certainly wouldn’t be the one I’d make in his situation. lol.

[@mikeremski2102]

Asking/demanding a spouse get plastic surgery is truly idiotic. If the spouse is asking "what do you think if I get a nose job" that is different, discuss the issue. But me, I'd say "go ahead but then that's not the face I married"

[@dreamiinotdream730]

This is something OP’s kids(and the idiot redditors who were against her) need to understand about cheaters. You can be the perfect spouse: gorgeous, high earner, good parent, fit, funny, cook, clean, sex god, etc. and they will still find a reason to cheat. Some of the most beautiful woman in the world have been cheated on. It has nothing to do with what you’re lacking, as much as your partner will gaslight you into believing so, some people can’t be happy.

[@totallyguhdude]

Story 2: NTA, he's a terrible father. I really don't understand why terminal illnesses/death are used as a free pass to ignore a lifetime of terrible behavior. "I'm sorry." doesn't cut it. The next 17 years would've been exactly the same, the only difference is now the jerk knows he doesn't have that long to ignore his child. He's a loser.

[@chickensandwich8808]

God i sincerely hope story 1 is fake. I have to make that my headcannon to not feel like crap

[@hlcooper]

Last story - its sad that the only reason the dad is making an effort is because he is going to die. i would be asking "if you weren't dying would you be making this kind of effort or are you just clearing your conscience before you die"

[@castironpan7967]

14:55 so youre telling me she did get a glowup and got insulted for it cause he found a pretty mistress and is mad at himself for not putting in effort with his wife

[@anotherone1532]

Really need another update on the first story. I think this is all money motivated. Joke in the kids that wife is getting everything

[@SingingMermaid4]

I haven't finished story 1 yet, but what the actual flip flopping hell?

[@ErisstheGoddessofmanhwas]

Sometimes i wonder what Redditors smoke? Blaming the victim is Redditors favorite thing to do , and defending a cheater. Ops husband married her the way she is and stayed, what rights some Redditors have to say she didn't maintained herself enough

[@kali3731]

omg the kids are such arseholes… how can they wish for her to be forever alone while dad has a new wife…wtf?

[@stlbf75]

I honestly hope that OP in story 2 tells her children that she hopes they marry someone just like the parent they love most! Dear ol' Dad. And then I hope that they start to complain that Mommy was being mean with that comment. Her kids are delulu. They are acting like little kids. Not adults. Adults who saw Daddy happily treated their mom like trash.(And saw OP accept it.) So they decided follow his lead. Op needs to tell these 2 adults all about her rotten marriage. Just the truth. Dad got a new job(which OP supported) and it changed him. For the worse in OP's view. He got new friends, new demands, new intimate female companionship and spent alot less time with the family. HE DEMANDED OP TO HAVE PAINFUL UNNECESSARY SURGERIES! To just have a shot to get him to stop being a cheating AH! Point out that OP was working full time AND being in total charge of housework & kids, it sounds like. Nope. These 2 adults need a reality check on their best daddy and his actual behaviors in last 10 years of the marriage. That you prioritized Carla's recovery over ending your own misery.

[@HumanB312]

They don't respect her because she stayed so long. She didn't respect herself so the kids stopped caring about her happiness.

[@keepsakecube]

Larry cheated before he even broached the issues. OP is not at fault.

[@katiecakesl4691]

Story 2: really unfortunate that the dad didn't realize all the time he wasted until faced with his mortality.

[@wildblue0]

Story 1: Steve sounds like he's grown up to think it'll be fine to cheat on his wife if she doesn't shed the baby weight fast enough. OP can catch his next wedding. Story 2 update: NTA for changing his mind. He needs to get solid plans in place. Is a dying dad really going to want to leave the 14yo for a couple weeks for the road trip? He might try making it a "brothers bonding trip".

[@MorganVsTheInternet]

So it wasn't enough that she put her life on the back burner so they can have a stable household! They still want her to spend the rest of her life alone because “you couldn't keep our cheating dad happy!”

[@JasperCatProductions]

Story one lady live your life, enjoy your life. Your kids are awful, just really disappointing human beings. Go extremely low contact. Just because someone is your grown child, your parent or an old bestie you don’t have to live with crap. I’d just end my contact with them and go have fun! Your ex can fudge off the kids can fudge off.

[@AussieElricFangirl]

Story 1 - absolutely not. I'd just take a picture I had of my kids and circle the "frumpy" parts of them, tell them that my love was now dependent on them getting surgery to fix those things - then cut them out. OP needs to find a good partner and bonus points if he has nice grown children that she can redirect the motherly energy that the terrible brats she raised don't appreciate. Update her will to leave them all an envelope with a single coin in it and a list of all the sh1t she put up with for them (including that technically one of the body changes her husband wanted her to fix only existed because they exist), then also a letter telling them anything they would have inherited (money, family trinkets/heirlooms, childhood things) have either been donated or left to actual family.

[@meagancall5005]

Story 1: I haven't read the update yet, so I'll be curious to see if something changes but... by this account, OP's children are just monsters. I can give Carla a *tiny* bit of slack here, because it's possible that her accident, occurring when it did, was a glaring event that stopped OP from taking care of herself and leaving when she should have. I can kind of see guilt from that pushing Carla to rewrite some history. But really, I think that's more of a concession that is warranted. I do not understand how any adult kids in this situation could do anything other than cheer their mom on as she finally has the time to put herself first. The only thing I do wonder about is whether there's some missing missing reasons here. I don't really get this sense from the post, there's no hints that I picked up on making me think that, it's just the only explanation for the reactions of OP's children that makes any kind of sense (so... a non explanation). She sounds like a wonderful mom. I don't get how any kid grows up with their dad flaunting affairs in front of the family while their mom works full time, takes care of medical issues, takes care of the household, and is even a passably loving parent and *doesn't* side with mom. It would be one thing if they divorced early and he showered them with gifts and went on a brainwashing campaign, but him repeating over and over again that she didn't do enough to make herself pretty for him while they semi-cooperate to raise them is not exactly high level psych ops. Most kids aren't that gullible. I don't know. This is just weird. Edit: Ok, after hearing the update, I mostly just want a better update. 😆 But I *think* what I get from this is that the kids reaction probably doesn't have anything (or not much) to do with them blaming OP for the divorce. They may actually think that's what they're mad about, but I'd be willing to bet what they're really having a hard time dealing with is their mother changing in anyway. OP's ex was a selfish prick for their entire childhood, but it sounds like both OP and Ex made enough effort to keep things somewhat harmonious... which means his behavior was kind of normalized. OP doesn't seem to have villainized him at all, which is *good*... BUT. I don't necessarily think they're putting him on a pedestal the way it seemed in the initial post, I think probably they internalized that that's how their dad is, and meanwhile... OP was the rock. She kept the family together, she was always the one putting herself second to keep things running. She's the one they could depend on. And now, suddenly, she's doing what their dad did. Does that mean she's not going to be reliable now? Does that mean she doesn't value family? They are OLD ENOUGH to know better, but sometimes feelings aren't as grown up as they need to be. So that's my best theory. OP's job is to be their mom. OP's job was to keep things whole. Now she's changing. She ultimately "failed" at keeping the family whole, and since she's doing the things now that supposedly would have kept their dad from leaving (note: it absolutely would NOT have kept him from cheating or leaving), that must mean her current self improvement is selfish, and retroactively, she was being selfish then too! It's not logical. I hope they can give themselves a shake and support their mom before they blow up their relationship, but fortunately for them, OP sounds like she may not have enough self respect to take them to task if they don't. This story just makes me vaguely sad, because it's just people being stupid the way people often are, and probably won't ultimately go the way it should.

[@andromeda_6264]

“Get back in your little troll hole” sent me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Edit: typo

[@michal31131]

There is a reason why you should NEVER hide the reason for a divorce from children, especially when it's cheating!

[@jenniferlacey6974]

In story one it sounds like dad is narcissist and decided OP was the scapegoat. For story two I have actual experience. My father only wanted to see me when he was dying of cancer. I went because my mom taught me to do the right even it someone didn’t deserve it. It’s about how you behave. Sperm donor didn’t even pay support consistently. He didn’t want me because my mom had the audacity to not bring us up in a violent home. In the end I thought it was a greater punishment to meet me. He got know me a bit. Then he had to realize he had nothing to do with the person I became. The greatest punishment was meeting me and knowing what he missed and would miss.

[@hilaryc3203]

Parental alienation is a real thing. Dump all the material you can get ahold of onto the kids and let them read it without further conversation on it. They are grown so let them figure it all out. They are adults and it's about time they acted the part. I know some people who have grown children who got into this sort of mess with their parents and once over to lunch with their mom, they were visiting as well and started grumping at the table about her long dead marriage. Horrible manners and the mother was red in the face embarrassed, so I firmly tore into them a bit and told them to grow the hell up, that they were acting like 10 year old brats hoping to maneuver better xmas presents out of their divorced parents. All grew quiet and it was awkward until they scuttled away, but I learned later that things started to improve. So, stop pandering to grown children, because they ARE adults. "Per the advice of mental health not to tell them the truth and interfere with their relationship with their father. "Yes...wonderful if they are 10, but they are adults, so they can get over it and face reality of what dad did to mom.

[@stephkais5613]

S1: for years and years op showed her kids that she was her (now ex) husband's door mat. Op showed ger kids that she takes disrespect, and her efforts for the family are to be disregarded. Thats what she modeled for her kids by staying with a disrespectful serial cheater. Why on Earth did op think that her kids would grow to respect her when all they've been shown is how to disrespect her?? Furthermore she has set the precedent for taking the disrespect while remaining quiet & dutiful. Op's kids turned out exactly as they were raised.

[@QuayHollywood]

I lived 23-24 years with an absent father. Now im living 6-7 years with a semi present father nothing hes doing more so. I no longer care if hes here or not. I cant say i love him or hate him i just dont care. Honestly even if he was dying i dont think i would care. I think op made the best choice for him. Maybe if i was his age id do the same.

[@kp2223]

The opposite of love isn't hate , it's apathy

[@QuayHollywood]

@kp2223 In my book, it's not. But again, I know what I said. I neither love nor hate him. I've lived the majority of my life without him, and I'm a great woman despite him

[@kp2223]

@QuayHollywood sorry if that came out wrong. I also had absentee parents (both dead now) , and my mom said it to me when I told her I just don't care anymore.

[@kp2223]

@QuayHollywood no hate just love

[@QuayHollywood]

@kp2223 No, you weren't harsh in any way, and forgive me if my response was snarky (was a bit frustrated before). But I do understand. To me, the opposite of hate is love because I'm a person that even though I care about you, I will hate you til my dying days. As for being apathetic, I go about my life like that in general 😂.

[@mikel0000001]

Story 2: reminds me of a story a while back about a kid who’s mom cheated and after DNA test initially showed he wasn’t his dads kid later showed an error at the facility resulted in his and their brothers test’s getting switched. Grandpa who was on OPs side said something along the lines of “you can’t make choices today based on how you might feel in the future, you have to make those decisions on how it effects you now”. If it was me, his dad missed out on making those memories for 17 years, too little too late. I’m sorry dad but just because you might be passing doesn’t forgive the last 17 years of neglect.

[@VidGirl88]

What in the 1930s sexist bull crap are the ex and kids in Story 1?? They WANT their Mom sad and alone? Ick.

[@cathyjosimonton302]

Raised two children with very little help, ran the house and did all the chores, worked full time, daughter gets in a horrifying accident and needs years of surgery and care besides all she already does. What a bad wife and mother, those poor kids and the husband, poor him☹️

[@ashassassin]

Op tell your kids that you couldnt glow up because you were busy raising them, and babying their dad. The misogyny your kids are spouting is worrisome at least.

[@SounnyKitty]

If it were me, I would not go on that trip. So, you want me to emotional bond with you, to feel the terrible pain of losing a loved one? Spare me more heartache if you love me at all.

[@maryjanedodo]

Good point

[@MikeWeathers-fo1vs]

S1: I feel like we are missing some information here? This is written too naively to be a 50+ year old woman.

[@savagen7gamer807]

What information you think is missing

[@diamcole]

That’s not terribly uncommon for someone who sacrifices their emotional wellbeing for those around her. She sounds naive because she is naive in some ways.

[@lilunette9319]

The only thing missing is a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder on Op's ex-husband. He brainwashed her, blamed the victim, and alienated her from her children.

[@Adamskyize]

Story 1 - and this is why we don't stay in unhealthy relationships "for the kids". Kids learn from their parents relationship and behavior

[@mesquitemagic]

I'd let Steve's fiance know how he feels about women gaining weit after childbirth. She should have a heads up that her husband will copy is father in the future.

[@salomerodriguez5145]

Someone needs to explain to OP what an Update is bc I didn't even realise I was listening to her "update" until you started on story 2 and I checked the timestamps 😅

[@JettSettingBengal]

The way I would have blocked those ungrateful kids. Horrible Smfh

[@holographicwing]

This is so common. Moms are expected to sacrifice their entire life for their family with no thanks while dads can just swan in and take all the glory no matter what they do.

[@BantheBans]

Wtf Is wrong with the questions she got?? Like ma'am you are not on trial here.

[@LadyWolvie82]

OP1 is NTA. People can go at their own pace to glow up. The rest can... anyone can fill in the rest here. Edit to add: I think OP should change her will to where her kids get nothing (she should have everything donated to charity).

[@B1ack_1otus_Guidance]

I wish my kids would treat me like this. So the Dad can cheat and neglect his wife but as soon as she picks herself, she’s selfish and lazy!?

[@sandracopenhaver3230]

Literally 5'5 and 140 lb is where my goal is!

[@Mimino55-y5k]

S1: These stories where a partner sacrifices their dignity to stay in a bad marriage never seem to end well for anybody. The children grew up to selfish jerks and OP wasted ten years on that sham of a marriage.

[@YellaBellaReno]

S1: I’m honestly flabbergasted. If someone I knew told me they were disinviting their own mother to their wedding for something like this, I’d have to get up and walk away to keep from smacking them. I get the anger and resentment that can come when the mistreated or abused parent doesn’t leave the abusive parent, but I don’t get this at all, especially if they are on good terms with their father. Like, if your mom is safe and healthy and finding more happiness in life, then that is the best possible scenario to find yourself in as someone’s child. Bonus points if they are financially independent. There has to be more going on here.

[@naediggs4816]

I feel like this just shows that when you have kids with an a-hole, you end up w/ a-hole kids. So many stories of parents who made all the sacrifices being discarded by the selfish, cheating, disrespectful, and/or absentee parent. The only way to avoid ongoing heartache through ongoing disrespectful and unfathomable heartbreak decades later, when those kids (who you likely stayed in the relationship for) discard you, is to dump a-holes on the first (2nd AT MOST!!) violation. Don't do it. You pay for that choice AGAIN and AGAIN. Move on and value yourself 😩

[@IcyPricy]

There must be missing info for story 1. I suspect the answer is in her children’s motivation. Like Dad is forcing them to do this, maybe threatening to withhold financial help, etc.

[@LaviniaKing-hz9ue]

--- So it was okay for dear husband to have affairs, not help with chores, childcare or help care for an injured child. Ask Steve and Carla who did all the work taking care of the house and them. --- Why did OP's dad suddenly want a relationship with him. Terminal cancer is a good reason to reconnect.

[@pris1378]

wait. larry is now married to a woman around the same age as his kids? ew.

[@smapa1185]

Right? It's disturbing.

[@ElfInTheFlowers]

S 1: OP's family is all trash. Nose jobs are dangerous and can cause permanent damage. OP did so much for her family and was discarded at convenience. The kids' betrayal and shallowness is the worst. I get that they wanted his approval and took her for granted, but this is infuriating.

[@Kay-Rayzie]

It's heartbreaking when you're the abused party in a relationship and your children even witness and experience (the even physical side of) it themselves, but still support the abuser. Cognitive dissonance is a bish. Sending love to everyone going through this ❤

[@leopardbutterfly1914]

Did anyone catch the one time she tried to glow up he equated it to putting lipstick on a pig?! Then he turns around blaming her for being grumpy when HE had previously quashed her doing so, no better display of inability to take responsibility for his own actions. Their kids will realize one day and I sure hope they hate themselves big time but it’ll be too late.

[@zarajones5428]

why do so many men get shocked at their wives for having a post baby stomach..after having a baby?