I’m Scared My Husband’s Going to Hit Me

I’m Scared My Husband’s Going to Hit Me
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[@RaleighLink]

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING! JUST LEAVE.

[@gloriousgal9958]

Omg I found Raleigh in the comments! Hay Bish

[@epsilona7472]

he's not saying to tell him first, he's saying to leave first and when he reaches out, after he gets help and IF she wants the marriage to continue, to lay down the expectations before she thinks about coming back.

[@SatumainenOlento]

Exactly!!!! Leave quietly. When the separation happens...that's when the sh** hits the fan! The most dangerous time. Prepare well. Take all the paperwork where is all your details. Harm can be done with your social security number and bank details. Delete your credit card details from phones/apps etc. Often the abuser will try to continue the abuse this way. Mute your phone location. Also in apps. Switch your phone off when you leave if you are not sure how to make it and change phone number immeaditely. Do not do obvious packing, but have a look where everything is that you want to take with you and can pack everything together in a few hours. (Have a friend come over to help you get out of the door.) Book a few nights in the hotel in some other location than your obvious place of escape. And adjust to the situation after that. Keep your relatives on the look out. And depending of your abuser, you might need to be worried for the next few months. But hopefully not longer. If you do not have resources, go to the safehouse or women's shelter. They will help you. (Also, write down his social security number so you can report him correctly to the police if needed. Hope not.)

[@SatumainenOlento]

This is the best advice here and I hope that it would be in the top. It is so dangerous to express your intent to your abusive husband. Get out physically to a distance and from that safe space communicate that you are not going back and file the divorce papers. (This is not an advice how to end normal marriage. This is advice for an abusive relationships!)

[@ChrisAndCats]

It's usually the most dangerous time when you leave and directly after.

[@jaqueitch]

No woman should be scared of her husband. RUN, don't walk

[@johniii8147]

Exactly. RUN. no need to complicate this. GET OUT.

[@lala5061]

Respect and being scared are 2 different things!!!

[@fuzzydorito6105]

​@@lala5061 that man doesn't deserve respect if he doesn't give her any.

[@adelinewurzer4533]

I'm terrified of mine. I am not afraid he will hit me, I'm afraid of the emotional abuse. He is very mean to me.

[@adelinewurzer4533]

​@@lala5061wtf are you trying to say?

[@kenziebender998]

I’m an SA/DV trauma therapist and I *cannot explain* how many women have said the exact sentence “I sometimes wish he would just hit me so that I have a real reason to leave.” The verbal abuse is abuse. The financial abuse is abuse. The emotional abuse is abuse. The sexual abuse is abuse. It’s all f*cking abuse and it’s all just as damaging as physical abuse. Maybe more so, because those kinds of abuse are harder to see.

[@pamelameadows9717]

In March 1981 I left my husband the day he was choking me underwater in the bathtub, the way he always threatened to do. My best friend came in the back door and he ran out the front. She took me and our three children home with her. Nobody would believe me in those days you couldn't get help. I knew I felt I had been raped but I kept hearing a husband cannot rape his wife. But I still remember how dirty I felt and the anguish it caused me was almost unbearable. Being held down with his hands around my laying on top of me are making me do oral sex with his hands around my neck. it started off as and just like every textbook will tell you it escalated. No one would believe me not even the police.He told then let me go I'm going to kill her and had my hair in his hands. They made me pack my babies up and leave for the night. I kept insisting I wanted to press charges and they would not do it. I am now 68 years old and the trauma from that time is still with me. Believe me I've done everything therapy medicine at 12 step program. It's frustrating when you can't find a cure for ptsd. It makes me sad looking back over my life and how much that trauma has affected me my mental health as well as any relationship that I had afterwards. For a long time if any man said I love you it would freak me out and make me paranoid thinking he said that to throw me off and was really wanting to kill me. We have one life mine was a broken life even though I did my best throughout the years to be okay. I've never believed that someone love me ever again no matter how much I wanted to. Even today sometimes I don't know where I'd feel my heart hurt and start crying. My life was lived thinking no one ever really loved me. Please believe me when I tell you I've done everything to try to forget and just leave it in my past. I've been waiting for years for him to die thinking that only then will I finally be released. I cannot tell you how horrible it was without writing two or three pages. It's just not fair that that man got away with the things he got away with. By the time I believed in myself and got my mental strength I wanted to press charges but the statue of limitation was up. That's why I partly believe that when it comes to rate there shouldn't be a statue of a limitation. It takes years to heal

[@georginakaye1021]

THIS is the vibe! Thank you!

[@DAce-vu5ct]

Only in your weak and soft heart. I mean as an actual victim of rape as a child and physical abuse I have to stop and mock all you verbal abuse pussies. Csnt take much can ya? Weakness

[@thewishingpooltarot5425]

Thank you for your message. It's the fact we can't validate what we are experiencing. We have distorted perception of what is acceptable. People raised by abusers, end up with usually multiple abusers. We are blind to red flags. Until we heal the invalidation wound and trust our own perception we can not be free from these people. And we are usually stunted by our original care givers, so become dependant on the abuser. We have to grow a part of ourselves up to become fully independent and free. That is our part ❤

[@LetJesusTouchUrLife]

Well explained.

[@dsma06]

I was this woman. My "Christian" husband would threaten, intimidate me, call me names like "b****" .and finally put his hands on me. I went to my church, and my woman mentor told me I needed to be more forgiving :O When I finally decided to leave my husband, my church cut me loose and I literally was on my own the entire time. But truly I had the One who I could count on and God lead me through it all. It was so hard! But I'm free, happy, and don't live in fear anymore. Get out Brittney, it's hard. You can do it!

[@JustinCase780]

What type of church was it? That is horribly wrong.

[@christopherdunham2637]

You went to a bad church. I'm sorry they did that to you. Many churches do victim blaming.

[@Ivy285]

That church was messed up. Hope you found a better one.

[@megalopolis2015]

Some churches overlook the husband's responsibility to Love his wife as Christ Loves the church. If the church chooses an abuser over the wife or husband, then they choose sin over Christ. It's not forgiveness they're peddling, but enabling.

[@alittlepieceofearth]

I'm a Christian and it makes me angry when people use that as an excuse for things that shouldn't be excused, like turning their backs on someone in need. Even if they thought you did something wrong, Jesus ate with publicans and sinners.

[@aprilm2664]

Filed for divorce when my husband threw something at my face and missed me but that was enough for me, that scared me enough

[@trexxy9628]

Good. I’m glad you are safe. You deserve GOOD

[@mish375]

Good job for getting out. If he does it once, he will do it again.

[@Notme811_you]

Yup.

[@TheEmpress185]

This.

[@handyman1016]

So he randomly threw something at your face? What did you say to him?

[@TexasAlabama]

I'm a therapist and I agree completely, there is nothing she can do but leave. Right now she's delusional in thinking it's going to get better.

[@emmarose6590]

She won’t leave

[@tabathia7633]

I wish I had you to talk to when I was married. Lease no matter wht. I WAS delusional and that was in the 80's. This is the 2023 and people still are abusive in every which way, see my comment about my property manage in Phx., AZ.

[@emeewel]

Wow, I hope you never council anyone experiencing DV. She's not delusional. She's a victim of DV and likely she's been gaslit so many times. She needs support from a professional in women's services to make a safety plan.

[@RBLK89]

She's not going to leave him he could tell her reluctance from her whole tone of voice

[@analisbrady6207]

Mine started verbally and just assaulted me it’s around the corner please leave

[@RobertWoodsAlabama]

Even if her husband never would actually hit her, the fact that she’s scared in her marriage is enough for me. No one should have to live in fear of their spouse. I agree with John that she needs to find somewhere safe while her husband works through his issues.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Actions count. If she sticks around he doesn't care what words she says. She has to change her behavior. Get out! Emotional abuse leads to physical abuse

[@rickw3243]

@@patriciaalbertson5183Emotional abuse also leads to medical disease.

[@satomlin1]

Screw that: get out and don’t look back.

[@SpoonHurler]

Christian husbands are called to not only love their wives but to love them like Jesus loved the church. Making your wife feel like you might hit her is the polar opposite of that. GET OUT yesterday.

[@blahblahblah4544]

I know. My Christian community is wimpy when it comes to protecting against abuse. It's all sad :/

[@SpoonHurler]

@@blahblahblah4544 I'm really sorry your community refused to protect you. I don't participate in a church because of this as well, I won't sit down and let children and women be abused, I will not support it in any way ever.

[@ashastings92]

If women are allowed to immediately divorce their husbands over the husband not following Ephesians 5. Are you also prepared to defend husbands that divorce their wives because the wives refuse to submit to their husband's leadership? This is a tricky topic and John is definitely wrong here.

[@SpoonHurler]

@@ashastings92 we are not talking about divorce... we are talking about leaving because she's not safe. I don't care what she does long term (never divorces and stays separates, tell figure crap out, or she divorces immediately... whatever) but she HAS to leave and no good Christian would tell her not to.

[@yingyang7448]

@@ashastings92 Depends on what the "husband's leadership" is.

[@carolyncornett961]

Britney he is showing you who he is, Believe Him!

[@TheEmpress185]

Exactly.

[@JustinCase780]

I live near a church that houses women that escaped abusive homes. You are NOT alone and you MUST LEAVE. You will never regret it and help is available.

[@abbagirl8819]

Oh wow I'd like to help with that .Great need!❤❤

[@privacyplease1556]

The most dangerous moment for a battered woman is when she tries to leave. If she leaves, she cannot look back. The moment she goes back, she’ll have a target.

[@charisselinnell-morton4137]

I wasted 12 years with a man who would not allow me to own a cellphone. I left after I awoke to find him pouring garbage on top of me. It took years to heal. Get out .NOW !

[@lala5061]

Oooh he was insecure of losing u because he knew he was doing u wrong and he was scared of u moving on, possibly with another!!! Men act that way when they know they wrong it's that guilty conscious if they have one!

[@73cidalia]

​@@lala5061 What the actual F are you talking about? You sound like an abusive person. Get help.

[@Orophile_303]

I'm not allowed to get a job.

[@carolinehigdon3925]

@@Orophile_303unless that’s your genuine personal choice he’s trying to isolate you and keep you from having your own money/freedom/independence. Pls get out if you can, would be best if you leave when he’s not there, then you can see the true reaction from afar without being at risk of physical violence or him trapping you somehow. Sending you strength my friend

[@misslady582]

Wow. That is awful 😖. I hope you are safe now.

[@Wonderwoman79G]

Pick yourself up and leave.Go to a women's refuge, if you had to.For the love of God, do not tell him you are leaving.

[@brightpage1020]

Yes if you tell him, he will stop you. If you are an American citizen and these days even if you’re not, you have a right on these grounds to come and go as you please. You do not need his permission. It does not have to look polite. You don’t have to protect him. You are responsible for protecting you, though.

[@vilmareynoso7343]

Correct. This is what I did!

[@strnglhld]

Any mature guy isn’t gonna even pretend to hit you. Some of these callers are so used to what they’ve been getting and don’t see how crazy it actually is. You WILL be fine on your own…you’re ALREADY on your own.

[@marianne57]

Please don’t tell a woman to say “If you show your fist again I’m out”. This infuriates the partner even more. I lived this for 18 years until I could get out. After the first sign of potential hitting I no longer argued until I had a safe plan to leave. I’m 66 with a lot of wisdom of abuse.

[@opalanuitchoutte3038]

And of course he's going to promise he won't... and do it again

[@dixiewade8373]

You did the smart thing!

[@sarahwales6276]

It depends on the circumstance.

[@apriltownsend8463]

Not exactly what he said but all of it will, it's just the truth. She has to tell him what she will and won't put up with anymore.

[@Usnozulo12]

I think he meant after she leaves, give him that ultimatum. Not when she’s still living with him you’re right that would be throwing fuel on the fire! But also it depends on how volatile the partner is.

[@nanchesca3950]

Ugh, I've been in this woman's shoes. I got out before he hit me because I, too, knew it was coming. Honestly, I didn't know that I was already being abused until a good counselor opened my eyes

[@emilysytpage]

Smart. I'm glad you got out and saw help.

[@joygernautm6641]

Her laughter is such a cover for her pain. It is hard to listen to. He’s telling her what she’s been feeling all along, but is afraid to acknowledge she thinks he’s going to change, but he won’t. They never do. They never do.

[@auroramothergoddess]

If your scared he will hit you …he will. I had an ex who threatened me. “If you don’t stop cursing I’m going to hit you” …he tried to say it was a joke. I’m so glad I left him. Dude was a complete loser …it’s so embarrassing I was with him. There were so many red flags before. I wish I could go back in time AND NEVER GIVEN HIM THE TIME OF DAY.

[@Notme811_you]

A boy at school that wanted me to date him. Said "If you don't don what I say I'm going to do something." Tell me why the people around me kept saying to just talk to him. Talk about what? He said right there with that statement that its his way or the highway. I'm not talking to him.

[@auroramothergoddess]

@@Notme811_you good

[@Crumpets7377]

Please leave Britney. Keep yourself safe. Sending hugs

[@KrystleLaughter]

You can't make anyone get help. He won't change because in his eyes you're the problem. Been there done that. Leave while you still have your dignity intact. He won't change and you deserve better. You are in love with who you fell in love with, and that person isn't real.

[@dearbrave4183]

..You are in love with who you fell in love with and that person isn't real💔 💯

[@lala5061]

Bingo in his eyes U ARE THE PROBLEM that is exactly what they say....Exactly 👌🏽

[@AlexisDavis16]

I’ve been there. It’s VERY hard to leave, but I’m grateful for a call just like with my sister. She was the first person I told the 1/2 truth and her reaction was so intense it surprised me. I didn’t realize how much danger I was in. A man that can punch a wall right next to you is a man that can kill you. You will never be able to get it right enough for him. The first book I listened to, “Why Does He Do That” gave me strength. I also got a dog while living alone. He rescued me in so many ways. He alerted me when anyone was outside the house, including my ex and he helped mend my broken heart. ❤ You CAN be in a relationship where you feel safe, secure, loved, nurtured, beautiful, sexy, and adored with a kind, sweet, generous Christian man.

[@herbanhomestead]

This was my experience too. When I finally told my friends and family their responses saved me. I saw their faces and how they cared about my well being and it hit hard how much abuse I had gotten used to.

[@gingerleamcwow435]

If a husband causes even just a flicker of fear and doubt, GET TF O-U-T! I've been with my husband for 16 years so I have very much seen him lose his temper plenty of times. Not one second in 16 years have I EVER wondered, "would he ever lose his temper with me or our children?" Much less ever wondered if he would ever put his hands on us. Everything about his tone and behavior softens immediately when it comes to us and that's exactly the way it should be.

[@lala5061]

Must be nice 😃 continue to be grateful and love on that man oooh u lucky!

[@LaFlor718]

@@lala5061that is supposed to be normal. It sounds like she has a wonderful husband, but it’s not luck. @buse should be the outlier not the norm. I hope you and your loved ones are well

[@evelinac2423]

I agreee with you!!

[@ellefabs3794]

She needs an organised plan to leave safely because we know from statistics the risk increases when people leave a DV situation. I wish her all the best 🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@brendamoon2660]

Everyone says just leave. The graveyards are full of women who left

[@RaquellePhillips]

​@brendamoon2660 they are also full of those who stayed. Leaving is dangerous, but make a plan, find a safe time and place, and leave. Get all your important documents together, if possible move sentimental items, clothes etc out secretly to a safe place, get whatever you think you will need that you are able to, then GTFO. Been there, done that. Best wishes to Brittany for her future safe and happy life

[@bee12355]

She’s making so many excuses for him. She will not leave him right now. You cannot get anyone to do anything except yourself.

[@Cyblps]

I feel the same. She does not seem ready to leave him.

[@maggiekaykay1]

I was in this EXACT position. I approached him gently telling him I feared this year would be the one he put his hands on me as things had slowly escalated that way for several years. He acted like I was insane and he would never do that. I see now that I opened the door for him to be ok with assaulting me because I had accepted it would probably happen and he convinced me he would never do that which introduced the idea that if he ever did do it, it would be because of me pushing him to do something that just wasn’t him. And 4 months after that he did it. My arms were badly bruised and I still didn’t call the police. A month later he pushed my head into the wall hard enough to leave a dent and I secretly filed a report with the police and got a temporary restraining order. He was escorted off the property. My sick mind thought that this was the time he would want to change and see I was serious. But he considered my action against him a major betrayal and made my life hell. We divorced and I’m at peace now. These men don’t change unless they want to and it’s best they change alone, not while married to you. Choose safety like he said.

[@vaska1999]

No, Maggie, you didn't open the door to his violence and physical abuse. You told him -- gently -- what your fears were and, as abusers always do, he assured you he'd never physically abuse you. Your mistake was in staying with him despite your well-founded fears, believing his assurances. He was going to turn physically violent whether you spoke to him or kept silent. Nothing you did or said led to what he did, please understand that. We're strangers to each other, but it pains me to read how you're still blaming yourself for "causing" *his* behaviour. Please pay attention and whenever you start thinking this way, stop and reframe your thoughts so that the person who hurt you bears the full and sole responsibility for his actions. You've come such a long way from the time you lived in the shadow of a violent man, and I wish you many years of serenity and happiness.

[@hillarybillary21]

You did not “introduce the idea” to him. That’s just silly. He always had it in ‘em.

[@reginaarnone4845]

Lotuinn 2:28

[@eyme.x]

Omg yess they see it as betrayal!! My ex thought he could curse at me, yell at me and take me through emotional roller coasters and then come back with a gift everytime. But after he went overboard the last time I wanted to leave. So once he realized the apology and gift wasn’t going to be enough he saw my leaving and not letting him inside my apartment anymore as betrayal and threatened me and raised his fist to me and took back everything he ever bought for me. And I’m like “how did I betray YOU?” How many times am I supposed to put up with his tantrums? Eventually he realized he couldn’t stop me this time and left. But I was scared to sleep for a couple days after

[@carolinabhering4092]

I was in her situation until 6 weeks ago. It started right when we got married and it got worse over the next year and a half. It started with extreme criticism and it escalated to him breaking things around our home, punching holes on walls and doors and calling me names the more of his secrets I would find (cheating, homosexual online cheating, stealing underwear from clients homes). The day he hit my hand so I wouldn’t call the police, I got a protection order against him and made him leave our home. The trauma bons is real, the pressure from the church to stick it out is real, but abusive men don’t change and the abuse only gets worse with time until you’re so damaged it takes a long time to recover or until he kills you. I am glad I left before any of those things happened, because we for sure were on track for those things to happen. I am sad my marriage failed, but I am glad I left and I know I’ll heal and one day I’ll find a man who’s going to love God, love me and treat me kindly. Because even though my ex husband calls himself a Christian, he really doesn’t act like one.

[@missmadelinesadventures3278]

Start packing your stuff and give it to someone to store away. Make it look like you're spring cleaning. Start with the items you can't live without. But at any moment be ready to leave everything behind. Tell someone what day you're planning to leave. Don't tell your partner anything. And always move in with family and friends. Don't keep his secrets. If you have kids. Plan a vacation for everyone to visit your family. Enjoy your vacation but don't leave with him. Let your family know your plan

[@ForensicsOnTheScene]

"He's using that as cover to do whatever he wants to do in your life." - Dr. John hit the nail on the head!

[@jasonrodgers9063]

What she's scared of is the upheaval, the financial deprivation, the possible violent retribution. She DESPERATELY needs to GET OUT, get SERIOUS help from the people and agencies that are THERE for her, and there for other women in her situation. DO IT NOW!!!

[@ccelms6581]

I have a friend who did this with her boyfriend. “If he was going to hit me, he would have done it already!” Ugh!! I told her get out, my other friend who witnessed how he treats her told her to get out and she would say the above like a mantra. Finally, she broke up with him and sure enough, he punched her, then kicked in the driver’s side car window while she was in the car trying to get away and yes, it broke and he kicked her in the face in the process. She made a stop at the dmv or the grocery store or something and got a LOT of stares not knowing that she had blood dripping down her face. Thank God they did not live together or she might be dead by now! DON’T do this, ladies! C’mon! You friends are telling you “GET OUT!” because they care!😢

[@donnamiller3463]

I know this may be eleven months late but please tell me someone helped your friend.

[@ccelms6581]

@@donnamiller3463: Hi, thank you! She is fine. She is now married to a REALLY nice man and has three children (my three godchildren)!

[@Notme811_you]

I'm glad some people even have friends that care. When I was in school this boy that wanted to go out with me told me that. "If I didn't do what he said that he was going to do something to me." Tell me why people still thought it was a good idea to go out with him. The excuse for him was that I did not communicate that that was an unacceptable behavior to me. Bruh are you serious? The intention when he said that was to A. scare me. B. Have full control over me. Then people say "But did you tell him?" Tell him what? He is controlling. Controlling people just want everything their way. No I'm not fucking talking to him. I might explain to a 4 year old but guess what I can defend myself against a 4 year old if I need to. Not a grown man.

[@ccelms6581]

@@donnamiller3463: Yes, she is fine now. She long past ditched the loser and is now married to a beautiful man and they have three kiddos!❤️

[@ccelms6581]

@@Notme811_you: Ugh! Thank you for having good sense and listening to your gut! And I’ll tell you why those losers said it’s a good idea to go out with him; he’s a narcissist and narcissists have the charm and skill to get groups of people on their side even when they are CLEARLY in the wrong. They others who told you go out with him are either blind to the abuser’s ways (which is most common) or they are simply blatant idiots who don’t want to see; I’ve know both kinds of people. Stay away from them too! At the very least, don’t ask the blind people for advice on any such matter.

[@barbiesergio7663]

I never knew my ex punching the wall next to me and throwing furniture was actually abuse until after I left him.

[@thestorybehindthat5236]

Relationships should never be scary or dangerous feeling.

[@aimeegallant-bruns5784]

I was this woman. The date of my last physical assault was December 2, 2019. He picked me up like a rag doll because I was asking him some questions about his behavior - his excessive drinking, being very late coming home from work, catching him having more alcohol dropped off in the middle of the night by his sister or brother - he picked me up and just body slammed me into the tile floor of the kitchen. I was in shock in the moment. I couldn't believe it was happening like this. Before, it would just be pushing, grabbing (grabbing hard enough that left bruises) or like hitting the area around me or kicking the chair I was sitting in. He stopped after 3 slams. I stupidly tried to get back up and he grabbed my head and slammed it into the tile floor. I felt my teeth get loose. After several head slams, I didn't move. I hoped it would make him stop. He also knocked the breath out of me so I was trying to find my bearings. He than picked up my head, looked into my face - I stupidly opened my eyes and saw his and they were fully black. Just black and like sort of blank. And he did a final, hard smash of my face into the tile. And the next thought I had was "He really means to hurt me". And that was it. He ran out the door and I called the police. He was arrested. He made bail early the next morning. He kept breaking into the house after - even during our divorce proceeding. He tried to tell the court I did all of it to myself. Even after our divorce was granted, he continued to abuse me via the court system. His lawyer would call me at work, home, cellphone. Threaten me for making up false claims and tell me I was going to be arrested. Threaten to come to my home. His own lawyer. Some how, my ex thought I was screwing him out of our divorce agreement so he fired his original attorneys and came after me with that gem of an asshole. He dragged out actions of our divorce agreement for 6 months after the agreement was finalized, forcing me to continue to pay thousands of dollars trying to get him to comply with our divorce agreement per the courts. His new lawyer would call my dad, my sister, my dad's work - I couldn't believe it. My own lawyer's had to file documents with the court to control the harassment and communication - everything had to be in writing and monitored from then on. After two contempt filing by me and seeing that the judge was not going to like his behavior, one day it magically stopped. He did get married shortly after our divorce. I don't know if that is the cause of the stopping. All I can say is I told the truth in court. His new wife was in the courtroom and saw all of the pictures of my injuries blown up on big poster board and heard the testimony. If anything, I feel I gave her complete and fair warning. I am still working on my recovery. I do isolate a great deal and I don't leave the house often but I am working on it and I feel safer now. But I wish I had left sooner. I wish I didn't continue to make up excuses for his behavior and hide it from everyone. If someone ever gives you the idea that they could or would hurt you, get away. Don't chance it. No love is ever worth that kind of pain.

[@eyme.x]

I’m so sorry you went through that.

[@NoraEN]

Wow, reading the part of his eyes going black was scary. I feel that he was truly possessed. I'm glad you got out of that situation. I hope his new wife isn't a new victim of his.

[@KeaIrene23]

I agree with Dr. John. My husband and I have been in some HUGE heated fights (having to leave for a night the whole 9 yards) and I have never once worried about my safety during those. I worried about our relationship but never once worried my husband would put his hands on me. I've been in an abusive relationship before, if she feels this she's probably right. never ignore your gut. Those instincts are there to protect ourselves both emotionally and physically.

[@reginasemenenko148]

This is the very reason I delayed marriage for so many years. I was terrified of finding out that I had married a person who would hide the truth while dating and then reveal the dark side after marriage.

[@blueseptember2174]

That is exactly what happened to me 😥

[@LisaLisaCJ]

And yet even when that happens and it can, society will say that you picked wrong and blame you

[@blueseptember2174]

@@LisaLisaCJ the people I know in real life dont say that, but the internet trolls surely do 😅, you can't win with them.

[@AmandaErrrrr]

I wish I had someone like you in my corner when I was going through it, Dr. John.

[@Lily-kn2rm]

I was in your shoes, I was Afraid He was going to kill ME! I ran for my life and Never looked back. It’s been 4 yrs, I’m in a safe place now. Thank God!!

[@whoknows7577]

“I don’t think he wants to be the guy he is. But he IS the guy he is.”

[@sharonleis1365]

I worked with the wife of a pastor to leave her husband. He was emotionally and financially abusive. He was a control freak. God does not demand you stay with an abuser.

[@yingyang7448]

It actually does command to stay with an abuser with the exception of adultery or death. The christian god didn't seem to account for basic nuance in marriage.

[@isay207]

This is what religion does😢

[@blueseptember2174]

@@yingyang7448 you can use discernment and live separately to save yourself from an abuser.

[@yingyang7448]

@@blueseptember2174 And I would 100% agree, but if the abusive spouse never commits adultery and doesn't die until much later, the healthy spouse has to stay in that marriage according to christian religion which is just absurd.

[@sharonleis1365]

@@isay207 this is what happens when the husband's mother ran off with another man and he is afraid and will not get the help he needs.

[@Andre.1966]

My partner theatened for 18 years to either hit me, stab me or shoot me. He never did, but the emotional effect was very painful. Leave.

[@eyme.x]

I am sorry that happened to you

[@shaunmccubbin7173]

Even that wording “I don’t want to hit you.” Awful for him and heartbreaking for her

[@kate6040]

This beautiful soul’s situation with her husband was very much like my own and I’m so glad I found this video because it saved me. It helped me to make my decision to put my foot down and say enough is enough, I’m tired of being emotionally abused, manipulated, and treated like my needs and feelings do not matter. I do not deserve to be hit no matter how angry my husband is at me. He had been gaslighting me, breaking and throwing things around, and threatening to hit me for six years but now that I’ve been away from him for two months I am already thriving and much happier. Thank you John.

[@starahavana]

I was attacked by my brother. I will never, EVER defend him! EVER! He is allowed to be mad ad me. He does not have to like me. But he cannot abuse me, either verbally or psychically.

[@dogmomofive7011]

I hope the caller reads this. You are trauma bonded. Please leave. I was a devout Catholic who wouldn’t leave my abusive ex because of my religion. I finally figured out that I wasn’t going to believe in any dogma that didn’t want me to thrive. I left on my 40th birthday. The only regret I had was not leaving sooner.

[@GGH-z9d]

The Catholic church has NEVER taught wives should stay with a physically abusive husband.

[@lindastangelo1636]

Her voice tells me that she won't leave. She sounds extremely reluctant. Most of these abusers won't ever take the steps needed to change.

[@dianajilwah279]

I agree..she is trying to find excuses not to leave...maybe she is in a situation where she feels she would be a burden on someone else if she leaves...

[@thenorthface4]

It takes 7 times on average for a victim to leave before they leave for good. I was just like her in two relationships. I’m a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, r*pe and attempted m*rder. I ran away on the 7th attempt and barely got away. These are not good people.

[@jimgold2550]

What made you return the other 6 times? Just curious about the psychology, not blaming you at all, it’s all on the abuser.

[@thenorthface4]

@ that’s a great question, thank you for asking. Your mind is psychologically warped when you’re with an abuser, the equivalent of getting high on drugs basically. When you start to figure it all out and want to leave, they love bomb you all over again so you go back and plenty of people do because you believe in the fantasy that isn’t real of being together. Way too many people become afraid to be on their own when leaving an abusive relationship as well so they keep going back to the fantasy. When you’re on a multiple attempt to leave for good is when it gets scary because this is when most victims become assaulted, r*ped or deleted. When I escaped mine, i sadly wanted to keep going back because the addiction was still there. It felt like I was detoxing from drugs when I left for good. Really the best way to stay away from this cycle is to educate yourself and become strong. Know when to walk away at the first red flag.

[@Orophile_303]

Never give your exit plan. Quiet and just be civil and when it's time. Go.

[@tequisaholloway1738]

She's not going to leave

[@TaurusBebez]

Sadly you might be right. Many women in this situation don't have the strength to leave and when they decide to leave it will be too late.

[@bee12355]

Nope, she’s not going anywhere. She’s still making excuses for him.

[@strnglhld]

I love the name “Tequisa” never heard it before❤

[@terriesmith2616]

Exactly. This woman is not going to leave. She's making so many excuses for him. She's so afraid of being alone, she would rather be in an abusive relationship than be alone. She's very codependent. You can hear it in the call. She's not leaving him.

[@jennyjenny3531]

She will eventually. She is strong and brave.

[@Teddibob]

She needs to work harder to get out than to stay. SAME thing happened to me. I went to therapy and six months later he hit, actually, attacked me. He was arrested and resented me for the next ten years, abusing me along the way. It took a lot to realize I could not save the mess that he is. If you see him, Scott Allen Rebman, Cedar Creek, Texas, stay clear.

[@phyllis9750]

1. Dump. 2. Move permanently ON! FULL STOP!

[@JenniferGreene321]

Someone once said “…and go where?” It is very easy to tell people to “get out” but there has to be a plan in place and I mean air tight with contingencies. She has to save herself because her church and probably community at large has failed her to have this mentality ingrained so well. I hear it in her nervous/pained laughter. My good sister, I’ll be praying for you. Edit: I am so glad that the folks responding to my comment have safe options. But not everyone does. This callers’ church community has already failed her and it’ll take courage to try again. And what if parents or siblings have passed, don’t have money to help, live in another state, don’t have the space or just don’t want to endanger themselves (maybe again). I could go on. I’m not saying it’s impossible but that “there has to be a plan in place and air tight with contingencies”. Recognize you have good options that others do not.

[@dearbrave4183]

When it's a matter of life and death there's no asking where to go. She is an adult, she can connect with other humans, she'll find a way. Trust me if he came out with a gun trying to end her , she will definitely find all the places she could go rather than stay there. But it's not urgent enough for her at the moment so those options aren't obvious The women who are eventually unalived by their own husbands , I'm sure when they see the end at that moment they aren't asking themselves....and go where..?

[@ihateallyall]

I wish police departments could assist with things like this. you should be able to go to the police, tell the person you’re living with that you’re in danger at home and have no other shelter to go to, and they should be able to call in resources to help you.

[@omgurheadsgone]

Umm… go live with your parents for a bit? until you get back on your feet and can rent a studio apartment or whatever you can afford… go stay with a friend for a couple of weeks while you find a small apartment? Go stay with a sibling for a while? Like use your brain, “and go where?”. Open your eyes… use your brain, you can do it.

[@Black_Samurai-fish]

@@omgurheadsgonesome of us don’t have parents or family members that will help us. I had to go to a homeless shelter, it took over two months for one to open up because they’re constantly full, once I finally got in it was horrible, the food was literally covered in mold the beds were metal slabs with a quarter inch foam mat on it, it was easier to sleep on the concrete floor than on the “bed” and I had to do it with an infant. By my fourth day I was so sick from food poisoning I ended up in the hospital. It’s so easy to say just leave but rarely that simple.

[@violamoheb5313]

Well said!!!! It is not that easy!!

[@beckykazeks6827]

BE VERY CAREFUL. GO WHILE HE'S GONE SOMEWHERE AND DO NOT GO BACK.

[@pamelameadows9717]

Some women on here are given very good at advice that she needs to do. She needs to prepare an out for herself. A lot of women on here saying have a go bag ready for her and kids. Abuse is usually progressive starting with verbal abuse and escalating over time until it will become physical. It's not if it's just when

[@imanisteele1920]

No one should ever fear their partner, no one should ever feel threatened and unsafe on any level with the person that supposedly loves them. The precursors to physical abuse: verbal, mental, emotional abuse, are major and more than enough to destroy one’s spirit before you ever find yourself in a corner with a black eye.

[@alexandraford3020]

Just add financial abuse and you have a full set.

[@darciee.7337]

Man this is probably why I was constantly in fight or flight last year. I don't understand why no one sees this but me. Our marriage is much better since we finally got marriage counseling. But man... I wish someone could see what I was so afraid of.

[@KidCity1985]

Leave him now! He will only get worse.❤

[@jackidezell3401]

They always wind up abusing the person closest to them. Please stay away 6 months and see how you feel? You are strong enough to put up with him, so you are strong enough to leave! I promise you that, beautiful. It never gets better unless you leave. Then "maybe" it will?

[@Janet-g4f]

NO NO NO !!! BAD ADVICE ! He will never change ..The abuser will only get worse . Get out and never ever look back .Run far far away

[@Yayakoshii1990]

She’s like me, Christian woman and afraid to make the wrong move. Husband is abusive and claims to be Christian. I’ve had trouble leaving too. It’s exhausting and she is remembering him for the good times and how he lied her into loving him. Pray and leave. Wish there were more resources for us women in these situations. There are a ton of resources out there but until you are walking in these shoes you don’t realize how little you have in terms of help.

[@mish375]

I guarantee you that he's not a Christian. He's using religion as an excuse. A real Christian husband would honour his wife and treat her like gold. Definitely leave if you can get out. You deserve to feel safe and happy.

[@imanisteele1920]

It is devastating, but narcissist and abusers do this. They prey on your genuine goodness, they extort your ability to see their meager good traits and magnify their potential, for which they will never use.

[@lynnhoward3467]

I wish i could tell this woman myself to get out or have a heart to heart with some of these women that call in. I have stayed single for so long because of past abuse and the changes it created in me. I was left with brain damage because i believed in turning the other cheek but it almost cost me and my childs life one night and that one night over twenty years ago changed me forever everytime i hear a woman going through this i wish i could tell them that they dont owe it to anybody to let someone hurt them like that to show love and if they are hurting you its not going to get better no matter how good you are love yourself enough to walk away before your life is dramatically diminished by someone elses bad actions

[@Friskyhorton]

He doesn’t love you if he scares you.

[@trexxy9628]

Get out. Especially since “nothing has happened yet”. You may not survive the “first” time. I appreciate Dr. John for being a solid man here- zero tolerance, nothing but true compassion

[@paulettepiper]

I had a wonderful mother in law. I told her my concerns. She told me to leave. I told him her suggestion… He was shocked! Never bullied me again. Because he knew here was no one to run to or hide with. We’ve been married 30 years now. And we are having a blast!!

[@Sheryl777]

People many times do not take this kind of thing seriously enough, until one day we hear on the news that there has been a murder/suicide that has happened. That might sound dramatic, but I live in a big city, and on the news several times a month there is a story about someone murdering a family member and then committing suicide, so yes, it does happen quite often in the city that I live in (sadly). People just don't want to believe it could potentially be them that gets murdered (or injured badly) though.

[@Coooeee]

I agree. Also, people can die or get seriously injured from violence accidentally. I know a man who was defending his girlfriend in a pub and the stranger hit him up his nose. He has brain damage. He has lived with his Mum his whole life since. Then there was my friend (male) who moved in with his girlfriend and 8 weeks later he was dead. She stabbed him in a dramatic jealous drunken rage, not meaning to kill him, but it went straight into his heart.

[@Sheryl777]

@@Coooeee Oh wow that's awful.

[@terriesmith2616]

$10 says she won't leave. She's too afraid of being ALONE. She would rather be in an abusive marriage rather than be alone. She's making so many excuses for him. She's not leaving him.

[@The_Mim]

Go read a book.

[@amiblack8294]

I hope youre wrong here, but I have to agree that the number of excuses she makes for him in addition to the misplaced obligation she has towards him is very telling. I have known a couple women like this and it is easy to spot.

[@mariee.5912]

She's afraid to leave. We don't have the whole story.

[@hikerhobby1204]

I didn’t hear her say she’s afraid of being alone.

[@alanarama]

It's almost like abuse diminishes your self esteem and you don't actually think you deserve or a capable of a better life. And it's almost like religion plays a huge part in these types of marriage issues, he is clearly using her faith against her and that lifelong belief is a hard thing to go against. ​@@amiblack8294

[@martiechotiner]

I was in her shoes not long ago. It was hard to leave, but even though I’m alone, I also am not afraid of what I will wake up to or come home to. I’m safe. 😊

[@MichaelDrone]

As a husband who has had anger issues in the past I learned to calmly say, I’m getting angry right now and I need to disengage from this argument and we can talk about this when I (and we) can calmly talk about x,y,z. A lot of work took place and now my wife and I have trust, communication, and disagreement without it escalating. I listen, I ask questions, I don’t believe I’m always right anymore.

[@KD-gd5oq]

People who have trouble regulating emotions - as you say, "anger issues" - aren't necessarily the same as abusers. Many abusers actually get CALMER as they abuse: their heart rates go down, etc. Real abusers need to focus less on their own emotions and more on the emotions of their partners. --Lundy Bancroft

[@salonsavy6476]

I went through this ,, my son was 5,, he would rage at us , then he hurt my son and the police escorted him out !,, that was 15 years ago and I never looked back !,,,

[@antheadebruyn6020]

Haven't even listened to the call yet, but If you even have to wonder or ask such a question, then you're in the wrong place

[@JamesGreenier]

It only gets worse. It’s best to leave before your life is ruined. No relationship is worth ruining your life. Abusive people will show up at your work and call the police and ruin your reputation. They want total control.

[@bm4551]

Poor woman, I feel for her. I hope she finds the strength to leave.

[@imanisteele1920]

It’s brutal as a woman to have invested so much, to have met a partners’ superficial wellness, devotion to faith, etc. by matching those things (integrity, faith, morals, values, good intentions, enduring love, etc.) genuinely, only to find you’re alone in those ways of existing. To have been fed lies from the beginning and Ben immersed and blinded by smoke screens and potential of the evolving abuser.

[@Hilary945]

The Bible makes it very clear "Do not go with an angry man". An abusive loser will not get help or change, they don't want to. They are addicted to abusing you. They get a hit of dopamine when they hurt you. Please get a plan in place and leave ASAP. Don't tell him you are leaving either. Do it quietly.

[@Orophile_303]

Yes! The bible says to not befriend angry hot tempered men and basically RUN.

[@wendypeeters7656]

Can you provide the verses, please? Thank you

[@msakeeba]

He’s already abusing you if you are scared of him. It’s time to go. It will only get worse.

[@mmp495]

I would leave like a theif in the night.

[@asyablake]

I agree with everything he said except if you cheat on me again… once is enough for me. I wouldn’t give someone a second chance

[@albs1448]

Dear sister, please leave.....the moment he actually hit you it can be the last time you live. Love yourself enough Britney and leave,please i beg you to leave NOW!

[@girlygirl1890]

@ALB S Awwe. So sweet. And I totally agree with you. Thank you for saying that to her.

[@Jbkwoohooyeeha]

Man you’re doing some really amazing work here. What a superpower. You listen to someone for 5 seconds and you make an accurate assessment of what that person is dealing with. Great work. I am in awe.

[@evelyndaisy9722]

Please be safe. Leave asap . It can be scary but you will thank yourself .

[@NancyMcCurry]

She needs to RUN!!!! He will hurt her more. She needs to get out of there ASAP! I hope she can look at this situation and put her sister or best friend in her place. What would she want her friend or sister to do? This IS NOT LOVE.

[@thegenxgamerr]

I'm not a Christian. That out of of the way, what non Christian's like me do is we get brothers, fathers and friends involved and make sure that this man is clear that violence or threats of violence against a female in our lives = consequences. Basically he threatens you, they threaten him. He hits you, they hit him. All the while helping you to get out and away from this guy. If you don't have those kind of men in your life, call the police and ask them for help and resources that can get you out of this situation. No one should live in fear of violence in their home.

[@strnglhld]

My sister gave the stone cold stunner to our other sister’s abusive boyfriend. I regret not getting video of it every day.

[@Ryan-wx1bi]

Agreed. If I found out my sister was abused by her husband, I'd grab some friends and pay him a visit... Then pack up his stuff, drag him outside and change the locks to the house.

[@KrystleLaughter]

I'm a Christian and I approve this message.

[@sometimesising1016]

I mean, the Bible talked about a woman's family that retaliated against a man who violated her. Protecting your sisters and daughters is a Christian thing. But abusers will use religion to manipulate and abuse people.

[@EmpressMermaid]

Sorry, but the police are no help.

[@jasenkavukelic5047]

Some people are beyond saving.

[@hillarybillary21]

She’s not leaving.

[@ruthnorman5021]

I had a 20 year marriage with this. Run girl, run.

[@daryltgeorge]

Dr. John is absolutely right on this one. Get out NOW before it escalates. After he's done work and has SHOWN that he has changed, then she can CONSIDER what guidelines to put in to keep herself safe and possibly but slowly reenter the relationship

[@LisaLisaCJ]

I’d divorce him and not care about any work he is doing. Those types are manipulative and don’t change

[@Chet_24]

I think the right thing to do is leave and never come back. Same thing goes for cheating, just leave and never come back.

[@deborahd2936]

I agree. I think there is room for healing in some relationships with real evidence of deep change. There are certainly some who won’t ever change though.

[@allisonbarnett5055]

I hate to say this, I am speaking from experience, she's not gonna leave him until he hits her...and it might take more than one time. I hear the hope in her voice, the laughing (covering pain) and the nonchalant way she's coming aceoss, she's not gonna leave him anytime soon. I wish her well and i hope she finds wisdom, strength, safety and prosperity. 🌒🌕🌘

[@sandrasimplytoday7772]

I pray she has left. I was in a marriage where I felt afraid to speak to my husband about certain topics. I finally had a breaking point, we separated and I filed for divorce. I am over 50, I was afraid and didn’t have much money but I now have peace. I’m praying 🙏 for this woman.

[@kirausamaria5409]

Her laughter while receiving real advice to leave this situation is so upsetting. When we try to warn someone about the abuse and they just dismiss us as we were crazy. It's so upsetting.

[@andreamaclachlan980]

It's a trauma response. A coping mechanism. An outlet for the intense stress and conflict we are struggling to process. Just like flight or fight, there's laugh or cry.

[@ireefree2024]

The husband should love, respect and be the security of his wife. Not the threatening person of who she needs protection. That's all to say about it 😢

[@susanalbano1153]

She's afraid and using laughter and light heartedness to cover it up.

[@imanisteele1920]

Listen to your intuition above all else! The sense that abusive behavior may accelerate it not an “if”, it is a certainty.

[@marynametka1588]

Leave. Don't look back.

[@Cyblps]

Britney, please leave and never let him near you. Even if he sincerely wants to change, your husband can only change with a tremendous amount of therapy, but you don't have the time to wait. Even if he says he LOVES you, he cannot control his behavior because he is mentally unable. Get out. I was in a loving, safe marriage for twenties years. I never felt unsafe. My husband was my rock. You DESERVE better!!

[@grahamkemp5102]

A now deceased relative, many years ago whilst married to an ex soldier, picked up a fire poker and brandishing in front of him, told him that if he ever hit her again, even if she was in the next bed to him, she would put him in the hospital. He never hit her again, she divorced him, and at the age of thirty four he met a nineteen year old girl, got her pregnant, married her, despite his first wife warning her that he would abuse her. He did abuse her and their daughter, the wife divorced him, and the daughter who had been terrorised and emotionally abused by him committed suicide. There are men who are so pathetic that they feel the need to feel powerful by subjecting their families to physical and mental abuse. This man is still alive, he's ninety six, he has three living children, who are in their sixties, all of them bare emotional scars that will never heal due to his cruelty. Women need to flee from abusive men especially if they have children, as very often it's the children who witness the punching, hitting, kicking and verbal abuse.

[@EmpressMermaid]

I was in this woman's shoes and he took me to church marriage counseling so I could learn to be the "loving and forgiving Godly wife" who "submits to her husband and, through her pure love, heals his heart and ends his need for anger." This is while I was sitting there with bruises and cuts. This "counseling" almost got me killed. I cam hear it in this woman saying "What can I do to make him better?" I know some here will say "but not all churches are like that" but I'm afraid I will never trust one again.

[@danilaroche1156]

That's incredibly sad that you won't trust church again. It depends where you go. The church where I fellowshipped helped me move and gave me substantial amount of money after abusive marriage ended. I hate to see you out of fellowship. You can't do Jesus solo.

[@annemarieboyce683]

You don't need a church find your own self respect and dump him.

[@Theselvagedyard]

Does anyone else feel helpless listening to this lady's uneasiness in leaving her abusive husband? I hope everything turned out well for her.

[@Matt-cr4vv]

I really hate how often leaving gets simplified as “just get out”. If she chooses to leave, and I really hope she did, she needs to be able to Stay away for a period of time. A quick return makes things even worse. I remember many years ago my best friends mom was hit by her husband and we rushed over to their home and packed her bag and took her and her special needs daughter away. But she wasn’t in a place mentally, emotionally or financially to commit to that and so she returned within a day or two. Even though we assured her we’d support her staying away she was so isolated and had such a dependence on this guy that she wasn’t ready to get out. And to this day she’s still there. It’d important to leave but she needs a place, commitment and the support to truly leave or she’s at serious risk of the harm he will inflict for her daring to leave. It seems simple but it’s anything but simple.

[@reesf743]

The moment you think it's your job to fix an abuser, you're already in grave danger.

[@truckingwithtobee]

John is absolutely correct. Get away you can’t change people and it will escalate. You can get killed take this serious. My father used to beat my mother and always promised her that he wouldn’t do it again, but he did it over and over and over again.please get away. You deserve better ❤

[@whathvidone]

My partner once said that if he wanted to beat me, I'd be dead. Weeee...i knew then to leave and run for my life.