Is My Wife Abusive?

[@kristinecrowley8321]

For being deeply wounded this caller is incredibly emotionally aware and mature.

[@korab.23]

Not knowing where to go with that knowledge is where the struggle is.

[@tihanaharrison6728]

@@korab.23 you hit the nail on head there!

[@reflexray]

@@korab.23Exactly and it’s what people don’t understand.

[@Cryptic0013]

It's like the meme. Therapist: "You know, you're remarkably self-aware." Client: "Yeah, I think that's part of the problem."

[@DrPhilGoode]

He may be emotionally aware but emotionally mature? Emotionally mature individuals have the ability to regulate emotions in a way that is appropriate for a person's age.

[@jansilloway325]

Ohhhhh I have a feeling this call helped many people.

[@jayneanderson8057]

yep,,,,,,shame from an uncontrollable painful past

[@tkan9741]

This episode is a gem for sure

[@jennteal5265]

Hearing the description of a victim of child SA being full of shame, avoidant and a peacemaker is _haunting._ My mother isn't talking to me atm because for the first time, I refuse to apologize for simply saying I was "disappointed in some of her recent choices." I am very avoidant and full to the brim of shame for existing. Thank goodness for my husband of 19 years. I'd be a mess if we hadn't worked through our childhoods and the fallout they cased together.

[@sherryd.3425]

Love to you for standing up in the face of parental disdain. I have been there. Stand your ground. Teach your children and their children to do the same. We instinctively know when we are wronged or our personal boundaries have been violated. Teach them to trumpet it and announce all "secrets" to you and the world. You and I and they have so much more value than silence. Please teach them to yell, scream, and point at anyone who hurts them or subjugates them for any reason. Anyone who tells a child to keep "a secret" gets kicked off my trust list. Tell, tell, and tell. It might mean nothing or everything. That is an all-in parent call.

[@1967davethewave]

My father and I haven't talked for 4 years because at the age of 50 I finally stood up for myself. My stepmom has been in my life since I was 7, married my dad when I was 12. Started trying to run me out of his life within a couple of years after that. She has always done everything she could to drive a wedge between my father and both of my sisters and me. And she is incredibly thin skinned and easily agitated. Every time she would get upset my dad would ask me to apologize even though things were never my fault and I would do as he asked. Finally in 2005 she blew up on my because my 6 year old son had ridden his new 4 wheeler on the side walk of her and my father's business. It was next door to my business and we had 30 acres of fields out back. Now my son did this on Saturday and she saw the tracks on Monday and stormed into my business and just started yelling. I had already gotten on my son on Saturday and even gone as far as to end his riding for the day. But of course she went to my dad and her story was that I was letting my son ride his 4 wheeler on the sidewalk. He came in to talk to me. I let it rip, 40+ years of walking on egg shells for this woman so I could maintain a relationship with my dad was over. I told him what had happened and how I was sick of her constantly painting me to be this bad guy and I was done. His response was, "Well, just take her some donuts or something to make up to her." I didn't. My relationship with my father went south in the matter of about 6 months. I tried several times over the next couple of years to maintain contact with my dad but with my stepmom feeding him hate he just drifted farther and farther away. And now it's been 4 years since the last time we've talked. Sadly he is going to be 94 years old this July and I fear he will die without us ever resolving this. But it's his choice and he asked me to do something unreasonable for my entire life. Sorry so long, I didn't think it would take so many words to tell the story.

[@216trixie]

@@1967davethewave I read your whole story and heard you. Take care, hugs and yes just move on. Life is too short. You did what you could. You did the right thing finally by speaking up.

[@m0thdm]

Dang. Sending you love!

[@vaska1999]

​@@1967davethewave Reconcile with your father now. He doesn't have much longer and bickering over his toxic spouse is just silly at this point. She's irrelevant.

[@brittanysbets2626]

I wish therapy and trauma counseling wasn’t so expensive😞

[@TimothyMcVay]

It's free thru Medicare. Is better help very expensive?

[@brittanysbets2626]

@@TimothyMcVay thanks. I do not have Medicare though. Most jobs keep your wages right at the brink of making just over the amount needed to qualify for govt help. As for BetterHelp I did it for about 6 months, and stopped because it was pricey. $80/month for 30 min sessions, once per week.

[@TimothyMcVay]

@Brittany's Bets that is pretty high_ thought their whole thing was affordable services ...

[@Briar08]

The fact is things happen In life both good and bad we simply have to get over it and choose to live a happy life or a bad one . Be strong and move forward or be a victim and have a poor pitiful me syndrome. Also I've been through he'll and back so yea I can speak on this. Also we cannot change anyone else or what they say so think or will think or won't do or won't say . Life is hard dying and giving up is easy. Be strong and don't give up.

[@jackdeniston59]

yeah,its not at all effective for men. Althouigh this guy works.

[@lilys7431]

I’m so glad the algorithm brought me to this man, so decent kind and smart. Leads me to being more thoughtful about my relationships.

[@gavin3598]

Yes, I agree. I am single but he still helps me migrate through transactional relationships with people that I encounter.

[@jenjen2824]

It takes two to make a healthy marriage. If she won't cooperate and continues being abusive, LEAVE! Abuse is never okay no matter which partner is abusive.

[@yuvalgal-shahaf2782]

He should not wait. No one ever will shout at me and will have anger bursts . If it was a woman he would not tell her to stay!!!! He is a trauma survivor and his wife sounds classical cluster b!!!

[@lorainefleeman6011]

If it's the wife that's abusive, and there are kids, it's MUCH harder for fathers to get full custody. Men also lose a lot more in divorce cases. Many are driven to homelessness. It's not so black and white. I know of one case where she got the house and ALL of his retirement. The reason why? She didn't work a job. They had a child, but she could have worked when the child was old enough for school. But she wanted to be lazy and make him support her. He was smart enough to only make ONE baby with her.

[@lindatannock]

I agree 💯 about leaving. No abuse is EVER OK! Maybe he's scared of leaving their child alone with their mother. It's possibly why he hasn't left yet. He really needs to get out though.

[@Himmiefan]

@@lorainefleeman6011 Are you sure it was all of his retirement? That doesn't sound correct.

[@grizzabel]

Yeah dr. Deloney’s response here did not feel great as someone who has left a situation similar to the caller’s

[@sharonproctor3085]

My Aces score was 9. My Mother hated me. My Dad was a pilot and never around. My mother called me names, made awful comments to me. Then i married a Narcissist and the beat went on.

[@sarahgomez6740]

Omygosh this was me too. My mom was very abusive mentally, physically & verbally. It was a terrible childhood & my dad was never around. I'm so sorry you went thru that! My hope for you is that you're taking care of yourself & loving yourself. I started doing silent prayer, its really amazing & i know God loves me.

[@pinkpugginz]

my aces score was also a 9. my parents were addicts. abusive stepdad in every way. ended up getting in 3 abusive relationships in a row cause of him

[@Catchyalater_Fishing_Co]

I'm very sorry you experienced that as a child. I pray to the Lord you are able to live a relatively normal life

[@Neoteny374]

I had never heard of the aces test until the algoritms led me here. I scored a 1. Not meaning to brag or anything, I'm sorry you and others scored so high. That's awful to consider. I guess I need to recognize I've been blessed.

[@mishasuki]

I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m an 8. Alcoholic abusive dad, abandoned by my mom when I was six and then raised in a cult. I still cannot NOT compulsively fix other peoples problems

[@shastawebbsw]

My partner and I have just gotten through this EXACT type of thing. We thought we were so strong at first but years later have realized how much our traumas trigger each other. So crazy to realize but once we got on the clear same page, we've been able to start to create peace and give each other what we have needed most from each other this whole time. It's brought us much closer than ever

[@adriana27100]

That’s beautiful you both are able to be open and work together! ❤️

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

My husband and I have this issue too. And we both also suffer from feeling like we lack control and don’t support the other. I am a lot more active in life than my husband (I like activities and learning and being involved, he just wants me home and around and available for him, so that is really hard, because he doesn’t really want to do any of the activities I do unless it’s his idea. This gets really old. I’m not looking for credit, just action). We got married at 24 and 26, married for 11 years. It is a hard road. We are semi-co dependent? But he mostly relies on me out of laziness and traditional role expectations (example: the day I had knee surgery (meniscus) he drove me to the hospital because he has to, but I cooked dinner that night. That sucked). It’s just hard. We have no kids, so that is a blessing, but a curse for me, as I feel like I’m living aimlessly. I am not a great enough person to make a dent in the world, no matter how much I wish I was (which would give me a drive outside of a family) I’d love to raise a child and surround them with the love and support I grew up with. I am the oldest of 5, and while I was a jerk a lot growing up, I love my sisters and my brother so much

[@adriana27100]

@@KatieLHall-fy1hw You seem like a vibrant, good energy soul who likes to be out and around others! He sounds much more introverted or it could also be he’s not happy within himself so he likes to be a homebody. The part that you cooked dinner after surgery made me so sad. That is so unacceptable, it’s insane! He absolutely should have arrange to have take out for you or made dinner for you. This is a big red flag. How are you going to want to have a child with someone who won’t even help you, his wife! I hate to say it but it sounds like he is already your child. This happens so much and I’ve caught myself very much being there and I refuse to let that happen again. You have been married a fair share amount of years and this may not be an easy road at all. Even with help, sometimes people won’t change and you have to leave. I think you should really have a kind hearted talk with him and suggest to go to therapy together. I’m hoping things will turn around! And I hope I wasn’t harsh 💕💕

[@blessedtobealive]

Is that your way of saying you were abusive?😊

[@mewgiah8057]

Can I just say this comment might have saved my life? I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years now and your comment just made me realize that we have this issue. My wife is a SA survivor and suffered domestic violence from previous partners. I thought my life was perfect but after marrying her years ago I realized my family had abused me mentally and I too had trauma. Even tho we are happily married, your comment made me realize our traumas trigger each other. While again our marriage is loving, I realize it could be better. And that when we do have bad times it’s literally because we are bumping into each other because of our traumas. The one thing I never understood is sometimes we will have fights. Sometimes we will hurt each other unintentionally. But we always move past these fights because we love each other so much. So we mostly hand wave it. But I now understand it’s because of trauma. That’s why we don’t take it personally. But this is something I want us to fix. I especially want to make her happier.

[@coolaunt516]

We marry our unresolved childhood issues.

[@Refiningforge]

Barf

[@jennyberger6688]

1000%

[@NickRaeff]

Jesus. Hit ‘em where it hurts 😂

[@jtpcwife1486]

Man isn’t this the truth….

[@laurag6807]

@refiningforge yep!😂

[@SoulfulVeg]

I hope this guy gets the help he needs. He sounds so nice, but he also sounds deeply wounded.

[@Prettymom619]

Sometimes standing your ground is leaving and walking away from the marriage

[@piak78]

Wrong

[@joanna7307]

Going away not gonna change whats inside you....u can find another person but the problems will be the same . You have to heal yourself!

[@coonhound_pharoah]

And sometimes it isn't...

[@christys.3912]

And when you chose to marry someone, you should first try everything to make it work, or like others said... all relationships will end the same, because you deal with problems by leaving instead of working through them. If all fails and abuse stays the same... then leave, but you will have tools to work through problems next time. People are so quick to say leave. Marriages can be transformed, people can be transformed.

[@vaska1999]

Yes.

[@AnOriginalYouTuber]

I like how he treated both of them as hurt instead of evil. For sure, there are evil people but the truth is the truth here.

[@AnnaNicoleVinopal]

I wish he had the same energy for the call about a traumatized six year old.

[@lilly5908]

@@AnnaNicoleVinopal?

[@jborrego2406]

Doesn't do that when the abuser is male

[@roisindubh1883]

​@@jborrego2406Not true. Listened to him tell women with husbands who sleep with tons of hookers and spend tens of thousands of dollars behind their breadwinner wive's back to try to forgive and forget. Delony is the Judge Judy of radio counselling. No judgement really makes sense.

[@KnicksNYanks84]

Idk kinda seems like his message to this guy is to endure the abuse and fight through it

[@risingwithphoenixnuru8532]

This right here is probably one of the BEST episode of a channel I've ever come across. Thank you for this and all that you do.

[@texuztweety]

Complex PTSD responds to a combo of SOMATIC THERAPY, EMDR, TAPPING, Journaling, Talk Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It's a process. It's learning to deal with and defuse panic and triggers. A Trauma Informed Therapist is important. If it's not working SEEK A NEW THERAPIST but DONT GIVE UP ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@sherryd.3425]

FU

[@Dannniellleee]

Thank you!

[@muirgirl]

Lol tapping

[@meghanmengel437]

Internal family systems (IFS) and TMS too

[@7somekindofsomething]

Sending love to the caller.

[@melvinnewton3608]

There is more of this happening towards men than anyone wants to acknowledge because the shame of it makes men look weak and this is sad in its self .

[@blueseptember2174]

The thing that's unspoken is its the men judging the men. Yall got to work together and things would improve ❤

[@ElizabethGeiger-ye1sf]

Males make the rules for other males.

[@Dash1282]

@@blueseptember2174 the other thing that's unspoken is the fact that women rarely hold other women accountable when they are being emotionally abusive to their husbands.

[@blueseptember2174]

@@Dash1282 if I came across that I would lovingly but firmly hold them accountable ❤ Otherwise what kind of person am I?

[@blueseptember2174]

@txfb3011 might be who you're hanging out with.

[@chloelewis3113]

We need more people like Dr Delony. Our world would be a better place. Came across your Podcast a few months ago and it is so inspiring all the from the Caribbean islands were

[@Crazyced]

Anyone has a video of him telling a woman who get physically abused and threatened with a vehicle anything but 'leave the relationship immediately'? I feel I'm losing sight of normalcy here with the advice that he should put her in an environment so she could heal. The sheer rationalization, benefit of the doubt and excusing for their horrible behaviour random women receive online is crazy to me. Infantilizing women as virtually harmless is abusrd and helps no one but the abusers.

[@chriswhite9229]

I’m glad you said something I feel less crazy because I have definitely felt a double standard here.

[@jorgemorales5446]

I haven't seen that video, but I was under the impression Dr. John tends to never suggests divorce

[@intj1434]

The caller literally starts off with saying he's not trying to say there's something wrong with his wife and that they both have issues to work thru. He's calling with the intent of bettering his relationship, not ending it. Dr does ask if his wife treats him right and does say he's super proud of the caller for leaving temporarily to get help after the car incident. He also recognizes WHY they both react in a toxic way. He's untangling the why and giving advice based on it - that his wife needs more reassurance because she's afraid he might leave, and that he needs to learn to stand ground and work thru being avoidant. His advice is perfect in helping them see each other's trauma, how they interact with each other and how they can work it out without making it tense.

[@marquitabelgrove2094]

​@@intj1434 exactly this, it would literally be a waste of words to say leave when the caller says unequivically that he's not leaving

[@rwangizamirera]

Probably he construct his narrative to please viewership

[@melodyrose8123]

It’s breaking my heart listening to this man. But he is seeking help and truth and answers and I pray he finds all of that and the peace he deserves 🙏🏼💜

[@LilJbm1]

Pray for me please 🙏 I can't bring myself to listen to his story right now but I came here because I'm dealing with abuse and trying to leave right now. Divorcing her after she kidnapped our baby and blackmailed me with photos. I still don't know why, but I think the whole time I was being used since I'm going to be a doctor. She just decided now was it. She's abandoned me before when pregnant and blackmailed me into buying her a ring, spending money on a vacation. While she never personally got her hands dirty she has had her family physically threaten me. She falsely accused me of physical assault to get me arrested for DV because the judge didn't rule favorably for custody. Lucky I had that on video. She's been gaslighting everything and projecting I'm emotionally/verbally abusive. I feel trapped. I felt like I couldn't leave before because I didn't have the money to divorce, didn't want to lose access to my baby, and didn't want her destroying my career (I figured she would play dirty like she is now). I'm glad I filed. I'm also scared because every time I see her car on the road I get scared and have to make sure it isn't her. Every message I send or receive between us for coparenting gives me anxiety. I fear for my child, and I fear she will never let me move on. I just want a woman who won't abuse me or my trust ❤️‍🩹

[@sherryd.3425]

Love you, man. I'm damaged and just struggle every day to stand down. My siblings and husband beg me not to look at them because I'm hypervigilant. I have literally thrown my body down and in front of the "boyfriends" to protect my mother, brother, and tiny sister. I found a career where hypervigilance was crucial. I had the ground skills that I had developed 20 years before. My loss became something useful in a very specialized environment for very dangerous teens. I just interacted with them for moments and I was all in. I can see into the minds of teens who do not speak. Most of them understand language, they have just been silenced from sheer terror.

[@wf4983]

So sorry you went through this. Having to be strong against people who are powerful (and adults are powerful in regard to children), that's real strength and very brave. But it's also so dangerous - standing there upright even though there is no ground under your feet. I hope you can build your ground now - and be safe!

[@joshgorsky5224]

this man needs to leave his narcissist wife!

[@caterinadelgalles8783]

The doctor here is exceptional here. 🙌

[@vjs4539]

My husband is both of these people put together. He drives wrecklessly when he's mad. It's scary as hell when my kids and I are in the car with him, and he also walks away if I try to talk to him about anything. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, you never know what he's going to be mad about next.

[@Dannniellleee]

I'm so sorry

[@aliolivi]

He is responsible for the safety of your children. You are responsible for the safety of your children. Do not allow this behavior with your children.

[@BillDaBurgerEater]

You both sound like horrible parents

[@fortyseventhronin]

Do not allow your children to be in this dangerous situation. You have a responsibility to protect them, even if your husband won't

[@tahreemsultan5780]

From experience, your kids will always walk on eggshells with everyone they may come across in life, if they keep seeing this behaviour happening and tolerated around.

[@MichelleLyn84]

Dude this is the one thing that no one tells you about before marriage lol like it’s impossible to describe because everyone’s problems are so different. But when you reflect on your problems based off of what your partner tells you, it’s like whoa 🤯. Then you realize what you actually have to deal with and fix it within yourself first before you can fix it in your relationship. It sucks 😂 but it’s worth it! For me it was like an epiphany! That’s why so many young people who get married don’t make it. I did not think about this stuff even in my 20’s. I was very naive and too immature to realize anything in my childhood would genuinely affect a relationship like that.

[@ec9903]

John’s promise that he wouldn’t talk bad about his wife so he would feel more comfortable broke my heart a little bit.

[@jtpcwife1486]

Why did it break your heart? I’m just curious because it did mine too, but I can’t pinpoint why.

[@aliolivi]

He quickly identified 2 incredibly wounded people who suffered in childhood. He may have been given topical information about the call from a producer.

[@grateful7420]

@@jtpcwife1486 The caller has likely been trained not to talk about his wife’s problems, family problems. Typical to be trained to keep secrets and fake that all is not just fine- but good or even “everything is great” lie. Maybe you care about humans and are a kind person. 💝 Maybe you can relate in some way. 💝 Hearing this man’s stress in his voice is sad, meaningful, it’s reality. He is a fellow human, hurting. 💔 Glad we have this community to share in, learn & live one day at a time within. 💞 Thank you Dr John.❤️‍🩹

[@ec9903]

@@jtpcwife1486 Because this person keeps hurting him but he's still very protective of her and wants to work to be a better person. Good man.

[@augustusplays7896]

@@jtpcwife1486because you’re weak

[@neisci]

If you have to ask that then the answer is yes, but let me continue watching. 1 minute in, he needs professional help. 3 minutes, they bonded over trauma, two broken people who never healed that found each other. 8 minutes in and the answer yes, he couldn't even admit she was putting hands on him. If she's not willing to do the work,walk away, it's 2023 nobody should be here being abused.

[@SpragginsDesigns]

My wife has been physically and verbally abusing me for several years now. It's a nightmare. She is either very compassionate or very angry, screaming yelling and throwing things. And I'm never doing anything other than being a good dad and husband for the most part. I have my flaws, but no one deserves how I am treated or this man either probably.

[@texasrose2315]

You are a arm chair counselor. Lol

[@BBB-rd2qi]

@@texasrose2315- I’ve been a Counselor for 25 years. He needs to run from his wife straight into Therapy.

[@BirdDogey1]

@@BBB-rd2qiI’m a retired big city cop. I’ve seen this a million times. She will be calling the cops trying to get him arrested.

[@BBB-rd2qi]

@@BirdDogey1 - Exactly!

[@HowardR999]

It think some say it's 'Fight, flight, freeze, appease, as ways we respond to threats. Not sure if that's been validated in research, but it makes sense. I love your show.

[@res1023]

Appease is also often called “fawn” to keep with the F’s. So flight, fight, freeze, fawn. These have all been studied as legitimate responses to stress situations, so yes they’re all valid.

[@ladymusiqka]

I took the ACEs just now out of curiosity and it surprised me in a bad way. I didn't think much about things concerning my past until listening to this call. I thought it wasn't bad... just a childhood with ups and downs but I guess I was wrong.

[@imageword5576]

maybe take it with a grain of salt. I think we can get a little lost with all this stuff

[@TheDivineracer]

This is my husband and me to a tee! Freedom! I’m so thankful for this guy being brave enough to talk about this.

[@jenniferhuerta9824]

I love this caller!!!! Good luck Alex!

[@yuvalgal-shahaf2782]

His wife is abusive. Women can he super abusive too. He needs to leave. If it was a woman he would tell her to leave.

[@NCWoodlandRoamer]

If this caller was a woman he would have told her to leave because she’s being abused. That’s not right.

[@riri1084]

A man is usually stronger and taller than a woman

[@TeeLUVmusic]

This call is so relevant to me and my hubby. Thankyou for having this conversation 💙

[@HamsterCatLionn]

I feel as though if this was a woman calling about her husband behaving the way his wife was the response would be much different

[@kellypolfleit3942]

What’s really difficult after dealing with an abuser is the aftermath, the cognitive dissonance gives terrible headaches and stomach aches

[@RayF6126]

It's the first time in your life you are allowed to be angry, and it explodes massively.

[@tihanaharrison6728]

6:06 The Fawn response is the 4th stress response and not talked about enough.

[@vaska1999]

Yes. I vacillate between freeze and fawn, and that too is a source of shame for me. 🫤

[@tihanaharrison6728]

@@vaska1999 no shame, dear. They were chosen by your body at the time as the best response for survival and the best guard against danger. Nothing to be ashamed about. Be kind, loving and gentle with yourself. Sending you gentle love, comfort and healing ❤️‍🩹

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

there seems to be a double standard here: his wife is abusive so he has to take her away from her environment and make her feel good? that is NOT what he would say to a woman...

[@karahupp4589]

He would tell anyone who was in immediate physical danger to leave immediately. Since he wasn’t in physical danger John asked him what he wanted to do and gave him advice based on that. I probably would have told him to leave!

[@OopThereItIs77777]

He has actually

[@harryegleston9528]

⁠i agree with you the person above “Anna Beth” sounds bitter.

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

@@harryegleston9528 yes, bitter people can also be right.

[@harryegleston9528]

@@annabethsmith-kingsley2079 eh debatable, Dr John is mostly neutral, u trying to say he only said this to her bc she’s a woman is wild gang, that’s all, nothing more nothing less, plus the folks in this thread prolly agree with me!

[@wyganter]

Twenty bucks says she screams and beats him when he tells her about the call.

[@xxSMOKINGUNxx]

You must live it too, stay strong

[@bolivia.j]

Sounds like my mother

[@sirwilliamraleigh2100]

Lol

[@lesliemontagne6797]

I think Dr. Deloney nailed this and his conversation was really valued by the caller. This caller should have his spouse listen to this episode…they should both listen together. They will have understanding of the steps toward healing. It took me three years to learn what this wonderful 25 minute podcast revealed.

[@joshgorsky5224]

terrible advice, he’s married to an unfixable narcissist

[@VioletEmerald]

​@@joshgorsky5224it's sad but true. She'll never understand. My mom was like this.

[@louisefitzgerald4400]

I agree that he needs therapy, but not that he should stay in the relationship.

[@ravenofthewild]

It doesn't hurt more to try new tools and possibly will bring healing and a reborn relationship. If they do their own work and their couples work and then decide to end it they have both spent that time really well.

[@Avogadros_number]

@@ravenofthewildthere are no tools that you can use with a covert narcissist. The only solution is to leave.

[@ShawnQuiQui57]

I am more afraid of my wife than anything on the planet. I feel fear when she speaks and cringe when she sneaks up on me

[@EmilyKatherine-ks7vu]

It has so hard for a man to admit that he is being abused. This caller is being abused. John dropped the ball on this one. The caller needs to get safe, now!

[@indy18286]

LEAVE

[@1234GOPRO]

Nailed it. I’m on high alert 24/7. To me, It is not debilitating or do I see it as an issue >50% of the time. It’s like there are two kinds of “high alertness” one with people/ women I am I a relationship with and a different kind of “everyday” high sensitivity alertness. Now I’m understanding some of the issues were the type of people /women I was choosing not to see the red flags for what they were. Theirs and mine.

[@franziskani]

This is going to shorten your life span (most likely). Compare it to high blood pressure or beginning diabetes 2. you do not feel bad with high blood pressure (or constantly adrenaline in your system) - until the big thing manifests. The body also needs the quiet times to regenerate and repair itself. Again higher risk for cancer etc.

[@VioletEmerald]

​@@franziskaniExactly.

[@AnnaSenPrice]

WOW. This is SO insightful on so many levels!! I love all your episodes, but THIS ONE has SO much in it that is so useful. And is probably so important and helpful for so, so many of us. Also this person sounds such a wonderful human. I really hope he manages to make his life more harmonious (and very much empathise with him ❤). I’m impressed, full stop!

[@asdassdgfdf7509]

I read the thumbnail as "abusive wifi" and wondering why dr .speaks about tech or how wifi becomes abusive 😂

[@theheartyartist5106]

How interesting for this to come up on my timeline when I just witnessed ‘red pill’ men on a (questionable) podcast detail that ‘people who have hard times in a abusive relationship should ‘endure it’! 😮 Your take and support John is always welcome in todays misguided society.

[@janettetimms8650]

Red pill men? What is that, not heard that term before

[@devankurmitra4118]

Red pill is a result of shallow women

[@tasia3236]

​@@janettetimms8650 people that call themselves "traditional" but are actually just narcissistic alpha males

[@Crazyced]

@@janettetimms8650 Other poster is clueless. The initial and main goal of redpill was to address the massive cognitive dissonance between what men and boys where sold on how women behave and more specifically what they find attractive in a partner and what women ACTUALLY respond positively and negatively to.

[@PickupsAreNotTrucks]

I’m red pilled and I’ve never heard advice to stay in an abusive relationship. The point is to not immediately run to divorce to fix your problems. Divorce, in general, isn’t great for society or children. The data is quite clear on it.

[@rachellerockel]

Great job breaking down attachment theory 👍🏿

[@kimberlybotkin7060]

Dr. John is 🔥🔥🔥

[@carterbaumer358]

The birds in the background were a welcome addition to the call

[@glutenfree2068]

The wife in this situation has a bipolar disorder. Husband must leave her asap. Someone else close to her must advise her to get medical help.

[@joshgorsky5224]

i think npd actually after hearing about the parents. Either way, similar outcomes. He needs to leave i agree!

[@BirdDogey1]

I was thinking BPD. He needs to run.

[@tiffanydrouin2622]

If she's willing to start actively working on getting better along with him I think they should give it their best shot. Progress may be slow especially at first but they could both really get strong individually and together helping each other through this. However, if she's not on board they're not going to be able to win together. The work has to be put in on both sides. I grew up in a household where one person was willing to put in the work and the other obstinately wasn't. It was hell. Eventually my step dad got tired of it and left. I don't blame him. He deserved better.

[@kellibodony1077]

She is a narcissist NOT bipolar. This is exactly what my husband's ex narcissist did to him, he is passive and doesn't like conflict. She controlled everything by manipulation and anger knowing he would give in to keep the peace. They went to counseling but she always blamed him for everything, narcissist will never see themselves. They have so much shame and lack of self worth, they cannot accept any constructive criticism not even from a counselor. Run man, run.

[@joshgorsky5224]

@@kellibodony1077 yes!👏 same thing happened to me. The call was incredibly obvious, and I was kind of appalled that this advice guy (I forgot his name, but I think he’s a PhD, no?) gave this man the worst possible advice. Advice like that from someone you trust will keep you stuck in the cycle years if not decades trying to make it work. I can no longer take this guy seriously, I lost multiple years based on similar bad advice. Any professional worth their salt would’ve said “It’s not your fault, you can’t fix her, RUN!”

[@rshcybertechnology6964]

Emotional abuse towards husbands are downplayed in society but it’s so important for a male mental health to leave and take a stand

[@lenorepaletta9267]

Amen

[@Whosoever141]

I think he is wrong when he says the way it gets healed is ONE of you faces the etc etc….i was the one who did this in my marriage and it didn’t work at all. I started healing and she hated it. She wanted no part of healing. No part of trying to figure out and resolve those wounds deep inside. She just blamed me for everything. So. I dunno maybe that works for some people but in my case, once I started to dig deep and find healing, it eventually lead to the end of our marriage. I didn’t want to be miserable and broken anymore and she did. If the other person doesn’t want to change or be healed and honest, nothing you can do

[@DrPhilGoode]

Yep. She will manipulate couples therapy and he will pay desperately in more abuse for attempting it. Others healing is a personal attack to a toxic or narcissistic individual.

[@megalopolis2015]

I hope this couple can work through their deep wounds to be on the same team together.

[@courtneymiszczak6413]

Wow! I didn’t realize how messed up I was from childhood sex abuse until I moved away from my family. Certain things triggered me and memories that were buried came up. My body has been in flight or fight for a long time and I’ve finally faced these demons. I feel better but I know I need therapy

[@FriskyTendervittles]

Well… abusers tend to blame the victim for being abusive. So it’s really a game of who is who isn’t it

[@jeradkiester698]

Well hello there wife of the caller

[@minarchisttrucker2775]

Damn women are the biggest abusers if that's the case then

[@jewel5948]

Would you same the same thing if it was a woman calling?

[@bloodbuddy7]

@@jewel5948 No, because: hello! History and statistics... people don't want to admit that abuse is often gendered despite literally 1000s of years of dehumanization, oppression and abuse of women. People will literally ignore reality in order to perform political correctness. Not saying that this man is lying, men do get abused of course, but its not irrational to question it given that male abusers frequently are documented using DARVO, and men have more social power (owning a disproportionate amount of global wealth, make up the majority of government, law enforcement and legal professions etc.)

[@Puuws]

never experienced that. They may justify getting angry but I was never called abusive or toxic

[@worldviewwellness7227]

Having him do the ACE test is very, very good counseling. In our health and wellness business, many of our advanced cancer clients have had very traumatic childhoods. The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

[@Kevin-rx2vd]

Finally, a source of info that helps navigate men thru situations with explosive and abusive women. I’m currently going thru something so similar but my girlfriend sounds to be way more physical. Slapping, punching, pulling my hair, throwing glass, ripping up my clothes, breaking my belongings… then when I say enough is enough, she starts mentioning suicide. Idk what to do

[@lenorepaletta9267]

Get away before it’s too late.

[@anya0410]

You must understand that the likelihood of her going through with suicide is low, it's usually just a tactic of making you stay. And if she does, she has her family, friends, healthcare providers. As harsh as it sounds, it's not your responsibility to stay

[@lenorepaletta9267]

@@anya0410 Amen! Say it! It's a manipulation tactic and diabolical.

[@rabidgator6473]

This caller needs to understand that conflict and confrontation is a good thing. Once you confront something that causes conflict and from that growth can begin.

[@joshgorsky5224]

not when personality disorders are involved

[@rabidgator6473]

@@joshgorsky5224I see how this can be true.

[@jborrego2406]

Yea one way to get ur butt kicked by ur abuser

[@yosoyroman875]

Holy hell. I needed to hear this, and it seems so much like my relationship. I will save this!

[@kaizen_5091]

Wow. The incredible insight and wisdom Dr John showed during that call was incredible and opened my heart and mind the concepts that I did not consider about my own trauma and relationships.

[@sefly1919]

This is almost exactly my story too. I had the same childhood issue but just add an alcoholic narcissist father. The major twist and where I push back in your advice is my (soon to be Ex) wife I found out was a covert narcissist. If his wife is similar (and my ex has the exact same back story of neglectful parents) than that is not great advice and my further sink him into the abyss of a narc marriage.

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

Hopefully, the insistence the caller sees a trauma therapist NOW, would change his response, his choices.

[@LilJbm1]

Wow my ex wife had neglectful parents too. I didn't know that was a narcissist pattern. She definitely projects like that. Good Lord 🙏❤️‍🩹

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

I don't like the clairvoyant aspect of this show: where he just guesses and guesses what's going on. Why not let the caller talk?

[@coonhound_pharoah]

It kind of smells like a cold read to me. Like the producers fed him the story beforehand and he's already got the problem and solution in mind before the conversation even begins. I think they do it because the show is aimed at listening to John instead of the caller, but it does bother me a little bit too. I prefer to think this instead of the obvious alternative theory: the show and all the callers are fake.

[@VioletEmerald]

​@@coonhound_pharoahthe idea that it's an obvious option that all these callers are what, actors? AI? Is so absurd to me. There is a very real nature to it all. People go through these things every day. You get good at understanding them over time and how to react and advise. It's not impossible to be this good.

[@coonhound_pharoah]

@@VioletEmerald What? Actors are literally paid to express fake emotions. It would be cheap and easy to fake all these calls. It seems more likely the more videos I watch. I hear John saying things that would risk his license if he said them to real people.

[@pkmcnett5649]

Doubt that.

[@7clippers1]

Foof.. I was an abusive partner. I’d yell, curse. My situation was ruining me and I was ruining my ex. I removed myself from the relationship, got help and have spent a lot of time getting my A in to G in life in general. It took a lot to pull away from the ex, there’s the bond thru trauma - it is a hell of a strong one and I am putting it lightly.

[@anya0410]

Remember, both of you deserve better

[@mst-pierrem5729]

She needs to go to extensive therapy and anger management therapy. Perharps couple therapy if you needs cues to communicate. However, because I know the feelings of whatever I do it will trigger in some type of violence (sometimes not even doing things you might set THE HULK). I seperated and got back together because my husband does about 10 hours of therapy a week and he's committed About 2 sessions of his anger therapy in I finally after yrs of living this type of "walking on eggshells-bombs" I am finally FINALLY ABLE TO FEEL FREE talking to him about anything without SETTING HIM OFF! Trust me, I never really believed in these anger therapy managements but I'm the first to be suprise it does work. He finally has tools to manage himself and have control over himself !! Those therapy if the person is committed works wonders!!

[@216trixie]

That’s really good news. I hope the good work keeps up and you guys heal.

[@bellabear1080]

If this is what "church-going" brings to ordinary human experience it ought to be legislated...thank you for the courage you role-model...

[@ruthjarvis3217]

I think the only issue is, it’s so difficult to heal from trauma. Therapy and counselling don’t always work, things will never go back to how they would have been before the SA. It’s mind altering. That’s not to say he should put up with it, of course not, just know it’s not a simple fix. It’s a sickness.

[@Mindyours5512]

You really didn't let him speak

[@Judgementaljudy2007]

Well I just discovered my ace score is 5. I was like oh, only five? Awesome 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

[@salomeyul]

Same!

[@murderofcrows7738]

Dr John’s advice to a man being abused is definitely a lot more naive than that he’d give to a female victim. Does Dr John expect it to be easier to walk away from someone aggressive just because it’s a female abuser?

[@DeRocco21]

yes most of the time yes

[@carolinekamya2339]

yep, the guy needs to leave her - simple

[@JodytheBrien]

He’s not, he’s gauging what the caller will respond to. If he went hard on the wife the caller would feel like he has to defend her and that is the worse thing he could do. He doesn’t realise he’s being abused, he needs to slowly come to that realisation himself and the Dr is giving him the tools to come to that. Also as the wife is showing trauma response rather than out and out vindictive abuse if they both get help they could heal together.

[@Crazyced]

@@JodytheBrien He didn't need to go hard on the wife, just tell him to leave. Not tell him he should put his wife in a nicer environment so she can heal. He'd never give that kind of advice to a women who got physically abused. That's crazy.

[@jborrego2406]

​@@DeRocco21u were abuse by a woman. My uncle is now wheelchair bond because of his abusive ex wife

[@CHrisPetE056]

❤ you can do this. Great advice. I’m glad you have chosen to work it out (and be vulnerable). ❤

[@GregoryPowell-v3r]

That was a deep session

[@MorgainToday]

Oh lord, I am him AND the wife. High alert/hyper vigilant 100% of the time, 70% peace keeper (when I get in an argument with loved ones I instantly take everything back...) and the other 30% lashing out (towards strangers especially, good thing I dont drive, I'd be raging all the time)! 70% fawn and 30% fight

[@vaska1999]

I think the best thing for this guy would be to leave and seek therapy for himself. Staying in that marriage and trying to do what Dr Delony's advising is not going to work. It could work only if both he and his wife were absolutely emotionally committed to being loving spouses to each other.

[@anya0410]

Yeah unfortunately the caller can't control if the wife is willing and tries their absolute best to do the work their relationship requires to survive

[@LeadingPaws]

This was incredibly helpful for me as well, however I don’t always have the ability to walk away because we have two children under two at the moment. What is another way I can make it clear that I refuse to argue in front of the kids and also be able to protect my children from her explosive behavior?

[@jennyjenny3531]

umm... I'm surprised Dr Dalony suggested that when she's driving recklessly and threatening to crash the car on purpose that he should just get out at a red light, say I love you, and continue to fight for the relationship. No mention that that behavior is actually abusive. That seems way too mild a response for what sounds like an abusive and dangerous situation. I don't think he should be told to remain with and fight for a relationship with someone like that. He sounds like a lovely, conscientious, and thoughtful man and I think he deserves to be with a woman who does NOT threaten to harm him, but loves him, pours into him, and wants the very best for him.

[@PrintMuva]

Tip for people with low income on medicad (health insurance through the state/welfare) you have access to free or highly discounted mental health treatment. It covers mental health, behavior health, substance abuse. Its worth checking out. Alot of people dont know that option is available to them so i wanted to put that out there.

[@Tisshybean]

I just wanna say this really helped me with my childhood sa trauma. It’s so hard to work through trauma when you don’t know where to start 💙💚

[@kirillnadtochiy5039]

low self-esteem is how you attract narcissists

[@DrPhilGoode]

And that’s what she is.

[@carolinekamya2339]

WRONG ADVICE DR. Delony - he needs to leave her and they both get therapy separately - wow -I don't think Dr. really listened this one - wow - he is in danger and so is she - plz leave her NOW!!!

[@BirdDogey1]

She will be calling the cops trying to get him arrested.

[@kellibodony1077]

​@@BirdDogey1Yes, that is what my husband's ex narcissist did to him while they were going through divorce. She called cops to claim he was breaking into her house while he was 20 miles away at home with the children (he had custody). The cops showed at his house and the kids knew he was there with them all evening. She also accused the cop for coming on to her because she showed up at the door in a robe naked and let the robe fall open. She filed a complaint. The cop was a young guy that said he was embarrassed when it fell open and looked away. She was a typical mid forty, thick woman. 🙄 Sounds like desperation for any kind of attention and need to stir chaos. So sad how delusional, emotionally needy and sick they are.😢

[@karahupp4589]

No😂.

[@jangrosemartindale8740]

The caller let Dr John know he wants to try & work things out, he doesn’t want to separate. Dr. John’s advice was based on his parameters.

[@OopThereItIs77777]

Dr. John gave advise based off of what Alex wants. Which is what a therpist does. They work within your boundaries IF POSSIBLE

[@plywood7894]

This sounds like my husband and I. It was out of control and then I decided to change how I respond to him. Instead of acting out my emotions (the fear of being abandoned) I just let him leave the situation and don’t talk to him until he comes back on his own terms. Initially it took like a week, then 3 days … now he only needs a few minutes. It was hard but then the more confident I got that he was going to come back, it got easier to let go. Of course before this, we talked about why we act the way we act it just took time for us to understand that the other person isn’t trying to hurt. I also had to go out of my comfort zone to give him verbal affirmation even when I didn’t feel like it . (“I’m proud of you” “I respect you”) My parents praised me too much about my accomplishments and gave me attention when I was “good” or “cute” and deep down I feel only lovable if I’m looking good and act the way they want me to.

[@angelika5622]

I love men. I always prayed. Even tho I was abused by men etc. I still ❤

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

He threatened to leave, he threatened to stay. Everything is a threat, unless he pays

[@suefleming]

Never stay with someone who abuses you!!!! Get counseling to find out why you are attracted to people who abuse you.

[@deeprollingriver52]

My ACE score is 4. Thanks mom and dad. I love you.

[@streetlifeinappleton]

I wonder how much diffusing of the anger falls on the wife?

[@kerrisanders6469]

Oh my goodness. This was so good. Thank you ❤❤

[@oneoptimisticstar]

Love listening to your insight, your so right about parents that can't let go, my mom still it's attempts to treat me like a child, I'm 47, she'll be 77, but even at her she are still very manipulative and it makes me sad, I want to have a better relationship with her, but it's really hard because of the mind games she like to play, I forgot to mention I'm an only child which makes it worse.

[@TheBmonster1]

I took the test I only had one yes answer

[@disco4535]

"Look at it as a selfish act". This is so incredibly important. A majority of people with social anxiety, overall shyness, or things like "Impostor Syndrome", almost always have Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism. Most dont know, or even consider this because of their notions of what "Narcissist" is. What the general public see as narcissist is "Invulnerable Narcissism", which is the opposite of Covert, and very different than shy behavior. Coming to terms with this can really help address the anxiety/shyness.

[@choco1199]

😯

[@WonderGreen44]

I'm crying so hard as I watch this. This helped me for sure. xoxo Thank you Doc.

[@sksunshine4860]

Oh joys, I just did the ACES test yesterday and am a 6. I feel for this man, many don't understand how much affect SA has on a person, especially as a child. It started for me at 4 but my parents never knew, may have suspected but never asked me for sure and for the latter years of it, was happening solely in our house. I am in tears, this is a descriptor of my life, I've been told I'm the glue, I'm the peace keeper, I tend to back away from conflict if it only affects me but go whole hog if it involves someone else. Growing up in an abusive highly conservative Christian household and a puritanical church has silenced me and I honestly don't know who to talk to because that shame is real. I tried church counselling years ago with no help and morecounselling during Covid but it was a rotating roster and I had to explain all over again each time. This man described how I am to a tee.

[@Andible]

How does that happen solely in your house and your parents haven't got a clue? I'm sorry, but that's mind-blowing. If there are any guests ever in my home they don't get alone access to children. Why would they? Sorry for what you went through.

[@sksunshine4860]

@Andible My mom was dealing with 6 kids under 7 and an abusive husband when my dad was home. Then after he passed, she was scrambling to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

[@saloninegi147]

What the hell is wrong with John? This poor man is married to a raging, abusive narcissist, who, like many narcs, uses the family car as a vehicle for violence, and who is in fact violent. Let her work on herself if she's ever ready. As long as the husband is around, she will use him as a target for all her violence and rage, and lunacy. The poor husband should run far away, and send the divorce papers in the mail. Jeez.

[@joshgorsky5224]

thank you! i was shocked too, he even sussed out her parents narc style of parenting!

[@user-st6nt4ou6f]

I agree.

[@RA-hc1wg]

I'm proud of the caller

[@LyYAHN]

My ACE score is 7... I never knew that this was high...

[@AngelaM-y4e]

I get why he is hesitating to go to a therapist, it is extremely difficult to go back to that pain, shame, self guilt, confusion, and being sexualized at a time when you have no understanding of what that is. I also think there might be some self blame, if i wasn't where i was this wouldn't have happened. Also, addressing the response the parents had and why didn't they save me or help me, or wrap their arms around me so i felt safe. I know, because that was my mother and all the other parents in the neighbourhood who knew what this man was doing to all of us little girls, including other siblings. I never understood why have i the same response as this man does, why i never have felt safe leaving my house, even to this day at 67 i still have these problems. Inside the house wasn't much better, we were "pretended to be loved" when other people were in the home. So there was no safety anywhere. But it was a predictable safe.

[@lindatannock]

I hope he left her. Dont ever stay in an abusive relationship! If it was a woman, he'd tell her to leave! Why on earth should he try to make things work with an abusive wife???

[@lenorepaletta9267]

Amen he needs to leave.

[@melraggedy]

Respect the other person is a human being with feelings

[@amiramahgoub]

I recently receiving threats dreams that comes consciously and I have no idea from where it's coming? I know that me and ex left each other's for 5 yrs ago but spiritual I knew he never left! And he trying to attack me either ways. Physically and emotionally Or maybe God is warning me for what he's planing.

[@stringerchick3650]

Wow living this life right now

[@mikematthews7520]

Why does John not say anything bad about women, but will very quickly refer to men as monsters?

[@DeRocco21]

marketing

[@jewel5948]

I noticed that too, sometimes he makes the man do the work even if it's the woman being an asshole.

[@Kivlor]

Conforming to societal norms. Thats the reason. Male victimization is largely an invisible issue due to culture.

[@karinland8533]

Only the person who is calling can do work on their side. This caller would defend the bad actions of his wife, if John would say she is bad. He can only tell him what he should could might do

[@coonhound_pharoah]

@@jewel5948 John has said to callers "you can only control your own actions," and of course that's correct. Blaming is pointless and accomplishes nothing. Your focus is wrong.

[@Britty0189]

Why can’t he be brutally honest, you’re toxic together.

[@Phil-de6gk]

It's confusing for men because the message is to "stay in the fight" and de-escalate with a women who is abusive -- and don't "abandon" an abuser. Bottom Line: If you are with a partner who is physically abusive (man or women), you need to get out. John started to encourage this when he said that he did the right thing in leaving, but then John doubled back when he said doing this plays into a women's abandonment fear and he(they) need to face the problem head-on. I am not saying you 100% need to leave the relationship, but you need move out until the abuser is willing to get help. I wish someone was wiling to take this hard stand with me, giving me the insight that going immediately back is not even an option because, man or women -- you are putting yourself in danger. If you are a women, it's physical danger. If you are a man, you are in danger from false allegations. Refusing to return until they get help is the only option -- b/c not doing so only encourages a women's abuse...they are learning that doing it gets them exactly what they want.

[@lenorepaletta9267]

Amen!