i read EMPIRE OF THE VAMPIRE and i wish i was jared, 19

this was, without question, the worst day of my life
i read empire of the vampire, and it was so bad i have the need to traumatize everyone with me. good day
go yell at rachel for making me feel pain: / @readswithrachel
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[@baileyj7968]

he really said “my name is geralt dark’ness dementia rivia way” and thought that no one would notice

[@brittany1049]

Bless you for making this joke 🤣🤣🤣

[@disguisedgiani1889]

Writers can take inspiration from already existing characters and tropes. Geralt isnt the first sarcastic, gritty and honorable monster hunter ever shown to us

[@FriendlyGhost-rf7tq]

@@disguisedgiani1889 Gerald is inspirated by Eric Melnibone

[@FriendlyGhost-rf7tq]

@@brittany1049 i just both this book and now do not know what to do with it

[@Dino23968]

I had a facepalm moment when I read that someone on Amazon complained about the book for “lacking lgbt.” That’s like criticizing an epic fantasy series for not having a character with Tourette syndrome. It’s just so ridiculous. Any comments? Anyone agree?

[@bebella9005]

I was literally like "that sounds exactly like My Immortal" and then it actually was My Immortal, and I don't know how to feel about the fact that I instantly knew that...

[@loureadingthings]

amiga é pq nóis é veia

[@psychicsocial]

He really just took Interview With the Vampire, Name of the Wind, Castlevania and The Witcher and fused them to make this. But then added some much unintentional cringe and cursing.

[@billuraral1870]

Gerald would never

[@astinus4]

Add Vampire Hunter D, which he claims to have never watched

[@TheBookFinch]

I have said it once and I keep having to say it. Jay Kristoff clearly peaked in high school and has been trying to chase that high ever since.

[@loureadingthings]

THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IT INTO WORDS BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY IT

[@irinakermong1217]

"This is what would happen if the Opus Dei went to Hot Topic for their uniforms." This is such a niche reference and my Catholic ass is rolling on the floor laughing her ass off

[@colonelweird]

I have an Opus Dei story! One time when I was trying to be Catholic, the pope visited, so I joined some Opus Dei people to rent a van and drive 800 miles to see him. Of course this was all guys - the girls couldn't be in the same vehicle. And a priest was with us. On the way we had a rest stop and bought a big Sunday newspaper (this was pre-smartphone) so we could all read different sections and pass them around. When we got back in the van, the priest took possession of the newspaper. I watched as he carefully went through the whole paper, pulling out any page that contained photos of scantily clad women - such as ads for underwear or swimwear - folded them into neat squares and slipped them into his breast pocket. Then he handed the censored newspaper to the rest of us. He was protecting our chastity. That was the moment I realized these people were deranged.

[@Tareltonlives]

I'm going to look in AO3 and find out how many Vampire!Geralt fanfiction writers he needs to apologize to

[@kjane1659]

this video is absolutely the only way I am willing to consume this book

[@loureadingthings]

i am thankful but also i am very sorry

[@nicholewarren4229]

Same here tbh

[@miapopova2315]

A couple of weeks ago I laughed for half an hour because the English textbook we use in my internship has Twilight references, and here is Jay Kristoff making these references in 2021. A book isn't innovative because it's different from something published in 2005.

[@SilenceAtTheLibrary]

I’ve been waiting for a rant review of this book, I couldn’t make it past the period scene, actually had tears in my eyes because I couldn’t believe someone would actually write that and publish it under their own name

[@loureadingthings]

I KNOW RIGHT

[@ladyredl3210]

Man had the audacity to rip off Anne Rice and pretend he didn’t for F’s sake.

[@jasonblodgett8769]

@@ladyredl3210 there’s a section that came from George Carlins bit on religion. It’s almost word for word with the same tone as George Carlin. The ideas weren’t George carlins, but the words and tone were. Jay should put these ideas into his own words.

[@ladyredl3210]

@@jasonblodgett8769 how dare he. I’m not surprised.

[@MeMyshelfAndI]

I got as far as "Ask me not if God exists, but why he's such a prick," and then laughed with my housemates about the 12yo edgelord vibes for a half hour. It screams 'baby's first existential thought, but make it drip with angst.' Flipped through the pictures, making fun of the PATI ENCE knuckle tattoos.... then on page 5 (the first page of actual story) it says: He ran one thumb across his fingers, the letters inked below his knuckles. "Patience," he whispered. ...fr?! You're trying to build up the image of this broody, badass mf... and he's over here reading his tattoos aloud to himself like Sesame Street? I just couldn't. I think I got to pg 19 before I realized I was hate-reading and not even having fun with it. At least in Bloody Mallory the knuckle writing is on her gloves, the film is cheesy as all hell and doesn't take itself the least bit serious, and her knuckles say F**K EVIL. Queen.

[@loureadingthings]

I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE PATIENCE KNUCKLE TATTOOS OH GOD

[@CatApocalypse]

The more I hear about him and his writing, the more I absolutely do not want to waste my time on it loooool. I'm sorry you went through this. Also glad to see someone else who gets it about The Name of the Wind. It was so mediocre! 😹

[@loureadingthings]

THANK YOU WE ARE THE ENLIGHTENED ONES

[@_vexilee]

So excited for this video five mins in, but i HAVE to say.... how did the rhymey "empire of the vampire" title get past however many editors and onto a shelf like 💀 sir that is written by a 3rd grader level titling

[@emilyfallaw5912]

If anyone wants a Catholic vampire story that goes into Catholic guilt and addiction and is actually really good, I would highly recommend Midnight Mass.

[@frankie3010]

It is neither good and it isn't really about anything Catholic.

[@emilyfallaw5912]

@@frankie3010 Good is subjective, I admit it's not for those who don't like a slow burn and philosophical musings, but it most definitely is about something Catholic because the main plot centers around a Catholic church, and a lot of the themes center around Catholicism as well if you think about it.

[@j.j.knight6932]

The cat was like, “Don’t pretend to know my pain, human!”

[@loureadingthings]

he wasn't in any pain that dramatic ahole

[@queerlibtardhippie9357]

why does everyone hate sparkling vampires 😭 y'all can't say stephanie ain't original

[@loureadingthings]

I DON'T HATE THEM I THINK THEY ARE THE COOLEST THING IN TWILIGHT

[@mari-zb8sb]

The crotch biting part reminded me of another terrible vampire book but I guess I'll spare u cause you've suffered enough

[@loureadingthings]

what if i tell you i love suffering

[@anacecilia1387]

Lou singing church songs to try to calm herself down xD

[@loureadingthings]

tell me you went to catholic school without telling me you went to catholic school

[@ReadswithRachel]

I’m so happy my dreams are finally coming true

[@ReadswithRachel]

OPUS DEI WENT TO HOT TOPIC FOR THE UNIFORMS

[@ReadswithRachel]

NOT MY IMMORTAL

[@ReadswithRachel]

I AM SANCTUM

[@ReadswithRachel]

The way you described metaphoric writing was so good And then in comparison to his descriptions 💀💀💀💀💀💀

[@ReadswithRachel]

Wait I didn’t know you were reading ice planet barbarians

[@RobinReads]

I knew this was going to be wild when you started with the drawing, but I had no idea how wild 😂😂 “you kiss your mother with that mouth” I’m dyingggg

[@loureadingthings]

look. listen. at the time of the drawing, i too had no idea of the ride i had just signed up for

[@VoyageThroughWorlds]

lmao this review sounded like me talking about SJM,,,,, especially the "when does it start being a blatant copy tho??" Also I am right now somewhere in between feeling oddly compelled to witness this trainwreck myself and also just going "800 pages is not worth it!",,,,

[@loureadingthings]

you can read 25%, the rest is just a recycle of the same points AND you'll get the same horrified effect

[@BookmarkChronicles]

Yesss someone else doing a book review while drinking. We love to see it This sounds….. like a damn dumpster fire

[@BookmarkChronicles]

Was that goodreads post supposed to be Jay Kristoff taking a shot at Stephanie Meyer as if his book is sooo much better?😂

[@loureadingthings]

he took several digs at her and i was like bruh............... you can't really talk

[@gon8go]

This is the best book review I've ever seen and I actually liked this book. I haven't really read any other fantasy to know what was ripped off but the part where he cuts the horse open was totally taken from the taun taun scene in the empire strikes back.

[@loureadingthings]

the more people comment on this video the more the patchwork quilt of all kristoff ripped off becomes clearer and i am not sure i am liking it

[@ohheyandi]

much like Jesus Christ, Lou has suffered so we need not suffer

[@loureadingthings]

AND MUCH LIKE JESUS CHRIST I TOO WAS BETRAYED

[@Vashiane]

Found this video through your thread of Silk Fire. The moment I saw this book was written by Jay Kristoff I knew I was in for a mess of a time. (Also I really like your commentary! Subscribed.)

[@TheFran2555]

and he will never get the same criticism that female authors get when they talk about vampires.

[@tebhernandez]

What do you mean?

[@blxopium]

YOUR MAKEUP LOOKS SO GOOD IN THIS VIDEO

[@loureadingthings]

THANK YOU I LOVE YOU

[@justwonder1404]

Haven't heard about this guy in my entire life but he does inspire some hilarious reviews

[@nonfictionfeminist]

Second comment because I comment as I watch. I LOVE rant reviews, and your rants are amazing

[@lalaloveslit]

GENITAL BITING

[@Juli6SS]

My god, you're soooo funny 🤣 I love watching you rant!!

[@ameliathorn6698]

I am two minutes in and cackling This bodes wonderfully

[@theoracleofdelfi1098]

"WAIT NO THAT'S MY IMMORTAL" LUISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[@loureadingthings]

I HAD TO!!!!!!

[@BreeBuonomo]

I just finished this book and I wish I could tear my eyes and ears off. Similar opinions as you 😭😭

[@smorc65]

Hearing, "wow, cool sword!" in the same nasally voice my brain makes when I see the, 'wow, cool robot!' picture

[@angela-thebooknerdess2110]

Love love this review. Gained a subscriber.

[@jasonblodgett8769]

I enjoyed this book. It’s cheesy fun. I’ve never been accused of having good taste though.

[@pagesofalwyn]

o final desse video me faz rir bué UHSAUHSUAHS sinto por você lou

[@9gagHasMySoul]

Rachel's twitter sent me here and I'm here to stay 👌👌👌

[@ReadswithRachel]

This makes me feel powerful af

[@grimreads]

Name of the Wind is a Steven Seagul fantasy movie. Also, if you love The Witcher you will be surprised if you read Elric of Melnibone... PS: Also missing a huge inspiration from Vampire Hunter D in your review.

[@loureadingthings]

tbf i haven't watched vampire hunter D in over 15 years i think

[@grimreads]

@@loureadingthings I believe I watched it 15-20 years ago myself, but it rang a bell as you were describing the book.

[@stephaniebookish]

This was a masterpiece

[@loureadingthings]

i thank thee my queen

[@DellVanity]

This kinda makes me wanna write a Interview with a Vampire type Witcher 3 fic, it'd almost definitely be better than whatever this guy can make

[@AlinNemet]

love the passion 🤣

[@MrRorosuri]

It's an hour. Here for it 🙌

[@marianamauricio]

the intro killed me ahjfksjiknjfd XD

[@marianamauricio]

NOT EBONY'S DESCRIPTION FROM MY IMMORTAL ASDIADWGNOADKJAN (lowkey empire of the vampire sounds worse than my immortal lmao)

[@loureadingthings]

my immortal is fun. i was just in pain

[@nottherealgroot1928]

I was thinking about starting the book lol. I don't think I will anymore. Thanks.

[@ollie2596]

Save yourself! (some poor soul who flew to close to the sun)

[@Trish0978]

Also, thanks for settling for me whether or not I should read this book. It kept popping up and I couldn't decide ^^;

[@Ambarfing]

this was super entertaining to watch fjdjbdd thank you‼️

[@lua_ferraz]

LISTEN, I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but I'm really happy someone is dragging this mans through the fucking MUD because that's what he deserves 😂 THANK YOU RACHEL 💜

[@loureadingthings]

betrayal.......... of the worst kind

[@AnarchyOnPage]

This isn't especially related, but as a minority SWANAn person, hearing you say the term SWANA made me so so happy. Thank you 🌷🌷

[@flywithty1]

My all time favorite 🤘🏼

[@robertocatrone715]

Ba Hahahahah!!! Don't hold back, Tell us what you really think. BTW... I love your energy.

[@annalunelli13]

Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but this made me realize that if machine gun kelly existed as he is now back in 2006, he'd be the inspiration for draco malfoy in my immortal and also Jace from mortal instruments (who admittedly is the same character) I don't think I can ever come to terms with this realization. How will I ever sleep again with this knowledge in my head 🙃

[@loureadingthings]

HOW CAN I SLEEP AFTER THIS REALIZATION

[@Womynxx]

I just came here from one of Rachel’s videos and I’m glad I did. That intro was hilarious! 🤣 I’m just learning about Kristoff. I’d seen this book on GR but I could tell from that corny title I didn’t want to read it. I didn’t even read the synopsis or the reviews and I’m a review hound. Genital biting?! Whyyyy?!? 😭

[@yourmom9474]

omg the my immortal joke haha subscribing immediately

[@annazinchenko7819]

Well, Jay Kristoff did well at least by being a reason I discovered your channel. Amazing fierce and spot-on video. As for the Catholic church meats vampire hunters, there is an anime with the exact same aesthetics - Trinity Blood.

[@BemuzedBookworm]

Not you coming for my favorite scene of Name of the wind 🤣 this is gonna be good

[@loureadingthings]

i will say i am willing to give it another go. whenever i think the book might not be good i'm gonna go "well, at least no genitals were mauled, so it's not that bad"

[@BemuzedBookworm]

@@loureadingthings second book in Kingkiller Chronicles isn't really worth it. So save yourself the trouble. But good to know you've got a new benchmark to measure books against 🤣

[@patrickhaddad85]

THANK YOU! from the bookreads i thought I was the only one who hated the book

[@EveryDayALittleDeath]

Got here from Rachel's channel. Your review was highly entertaining, and despite being absolute vampire trash who will read almost anything for the promise of hot people with fangs, I will take your advice and skip this one. I'm off to listen to another one of your videos while I knit

[@bookcaseofdoom]

Also I'm so scared of reading The Name of the Wind now, I've been looking forward to it😂

[@adrasthe314]

"Fucking French names" had me loosing my shit bc Jean-François is one of the most common names for gen X where I live and just djdjdnej gg for the pronounciation tho, most allophones trip up on the ean

[@loureadingthings]

My mother tongue is Portuguese! The "ean" sound is also common here

[@katsuki_fan2465]

The no no bits biting makes me appreciate Court of the Vampire Queen a bit more now 😂

[@maddiedoesntkno]

You took a _DRINK_ and I’m so ready 🙈😂

[@SkittlesxMetrofied]

This has to have been one of the funniest reviews I've ever seen mwah *chef's kiss* also CULLEN 🗣️

[@loureadingthings]

THANK YOU FELLOW CULLEN SUPREMACY BELIEVER

[@JennaThePanda]

I love that you hate name in the wind lmao, everyone seems to love it and I just couldn’t stand it

[@QManagerin]

I thought I was alone - I DNF-ed it after a 40%...it was insufferable. Everyone raves about how beautiful it's written. No number of beautiful pros can make-up for shitty story and characters. 🤮

[@Trish0978]

"My comments section is not a democracy" - I love you, so so much

[@elvingearmasterirma7241]

OH ITS THE AUTHOR OF THE TIDDY LIDDY BOOK

[@InsomniacFlaaffy]

Rachel really went "haha suffer" to you. That's funny as hell. (This is a joke btw)

[@Juli6SS]

Damn, now I'm scared to reread The Name of the Wind, because I've read it as teen and loved it😅

[@lulismesquita]

amei a aparição do gatinho kkkkkk

[@MrRorosuri]

what the forever sea is about bi MC, f/f romance - epic environmental fantasy?? where ships sail on an endless grass sea??? - what lurks in those tall prairie grasses: politics, intrigue, deadly beasts, grandmother, all of the above?

[@Genitianadinarica]

I knew this was going to be an adventure when that stupid book title started annoying me 2 minutes in and never stopped. And also, of course he was based on freaking Cullen. (please don't block me, I just never hated a character more in my life) Loved the video, sorry you had to suffer for it.

[@loureadingthings]

i will not block you but i will say. i am hurt. because i actually like cullen :(((((

[@LetMeintheLibrary]

THIS INTRO

[@LetMeintheLibrary]

THE DEEP DRINK

[@LetMeintheLibrary]

"CHEERS"

[@LetMeintheLibrary]

OH WAIT THAT'S MY IMMORTAL--

[@LetMeintheLibrary]

HE KISSED HIS MOTHER COVERED IN WHAT!!!!!!

[@LetMeintheLibrary]

OMG WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE DID WHAT!!!!!!

[@Annie-Worm]

I think it was her thigh that he bit? It says he tried to turn his head. I'll have to read that part again to be sure. I came in with high expectations from someone's 5 star review & it had me wondering if we read the same book. Gabriel reminds me of Roland from the dark tower series

[@s123le]

The name of the wind slander and your VISCERAL hatred for this book made me subscribe within 5 minutes. Muito legal!

[@sarahmcdonald9624]

100 pages in, so I can’t watch the review (I’ll have to check back) but, I will say that all the creative cuss words seem wayyyyyy out of place when it’s a setting where a group of godly men have their names switched out to another one randomly, to be called twatwaffle. Just not sure that was an actual thing back then 😂

[@lb-art208]

I know I'm absolutely late to this, but I have to add that this book died for me at the rhyming title, I could not take it seriously.

[@lalaloveslit]

THIS TITLE💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

[@astinus4]

I’m not familiar at all with the Witcher, but the first half of this book read like bad Castlevania/Vampire Hunter D fan fiction (which Krystoff claims to have not watched - I call BS) I’m Australian like Krystoff and almost the same age as him. Some of the weirdness in his writing could possibly be passed off as Australian sense of humour… For example there was one passage where he introduces a character with first name Dior, who’s in the company of another character with the second name Sauvage…Dior Sauvage is a men’s fragrance!! When I read that my first reaction was “WTF, this guy is taking the piss”…he’s clearly writing stuff which just isn’t meant to be taken seriously. There’s a statement on the bio page of his website where he claims to be surprised at his success… I think he knows he’s writing thrash, and is as mystified as anyone that it’s selling so well.

[@Marie45610]

I got a 400page eARC of this book from Netgalley in August of last year. I hated it.

[@Amedyr]

Aeeeeeeeee fã de Dragon Age!!! O que voce achou da animação nova na Netflix? :D

[@loureadingthings]

eu ainda não assisti!! :(

[@Amedyr]

@@loureadingthings Olha, recomendo! É um poquin heist genérico, mas bem divertido e tem informação que vai ser importante pro DA4!

[@TunezCottage]

The braid loops, and it's across her eyes...? Funny intro though.

[@MrRorosuri]

okay , joshua Phillip johnson is another white man but he's more talented and way more creative in his adult debut - the forever sea than kristoff has done in 10 years .

[@mcjordie]

36:15 "it gets worse" Me: W...what? How?! 37:14: oh...oh no This whole video is hilarious; I'm sorry you suffered reading this but I'm enjoying my time watching you talk about it lol

[@mcjordie]

"This is on you, how dare you teach me how to read" 😆

[@mcjordie]

I love Dragon Age Inquisition. I definitely agree it's good for beginner gamers; I recommended it to a friend of mine as one of her 1st games & she's already got multiple playthroughs under her belt

[@loureadingthings]

at least my suffering was entertaining!!!!!

[@angelblue2664]

Eu comprei o livro em inglês, sem nunca ter lido um tão complexo em inglês pq estava na promoção 😅

[@ferociousmop6642]

I started reading this book and I went in blind and I was like “wow, this reminds me of the Witcher.” Its very Blood and Wine fan fiction. One of my main gripes is all of the clearly Australian curse words and then every other word is the one French word- “oui.” I will probably finish this book but the constant oui-ing is driving me nuts.

[@seductiveraven4895]

What does dnf mean? Sorry new to booktube, and booktok?

[@astinus4]

Did Not Finish

[@Vaelkyr666]

Dragon Age Inquisition! Favorite game ❤️ I can't believe it didn't explode in the comments!

[@lulismesquita]

socorro vc tbm gosta de dragon age!!!

[@lalaloveslit]

How dare you teach me how to read

[@loureadingthings]

i still resent him for it

[@mmst761]

THIS IS HOW I WIN

[@loureadingthings]

someone's win is someone else's loss

[@ps1hagridoufofcharacter]

1:16 that drink sounds scrumptious. i love me some rum and if it's sweet i'm all in baby

[@nicoleava976]

Jay Kristoff thinks that cursing in every dialogue makes him cool, just like your average high schooler. I wasted hours of my life on Nevernight, thank you for your service! Also what is it with these people and stealing from The Witcher??

[@earendil6708]

I kinda regret having bought the book :(

[@iFlutterbye]

Listening to this while playing the Witcher 3… lolz

[@KewlImp]

I know it's an old video. However, you should never treat your audience like they are stupid. Like a fledgling, that doesn't need additional explanation, it isn't something like 'The Grand Sacrament of Apothis." Something like that would require an explanation. "A fledgling, a young vampire no more than 20 years old." Bam explained.

[@Raveneyes2006]

I definitely agree with you on parts of this, especially the Geralt material. I still enjoyed Empire of the Vampire. Where we REALLY agree, is NAME OF THE FUCKING WIND... God's I hated that book, boring as hell and completely lack of entertainment as a fantasy... honestly, I would rather read Gormengast and I really don't like that book, that's where I'm coming from... so we definitely agree on that,

[@Ketutar]

I don't know your ex, I don't want to know your ex, but for some reason, I think I know enough about your ex to understand exactly what you mean about his favorite book. 😀

[@nonfictionfeminist]

I feel like if I read this I would agree, the writing doesn't sound particularly good

[@captainbaekho]

i know im late but i recently read memnoch the devil by anne rice (WHAT A BORING BOOK) and the period thing happens there... lestat did it first in 1995 lmao