"I Want to Leave but..." Exploring Reasons to Stay or Go After Betrayal

Do you often swing between wanting to leave your relationship or remain in it after uncovering betrayal? You're not alone. Kristin Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF is a licensed therapist and coach that specializes in helping individuals and couples in crisis after infidelity, emotional abuse, and/or uncovering addiction issues. She provides education and tools to help you move through the confusion of how to move forward during relationships crisis. She explores the multi-faceted considerations that go into deciding if you should stay or go: kids, finances, logistics, mental/physical complications, your partner's recovery status, and more. This is for anyone in relationship crisis exploring answers and a path to healing and recovery. Relationship crisis can be spurred from uncovering an unknown addiction, cheating/infidelity, porn use, and other forms of betrayal.
(This is educational, NOT THERAPY)
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Timestamps:
2:20 Theres shame, hurt, and fear involved in staying or leaving
6:38 Remember you don't have to decide today and you can always change your mind
6:45 Some reasons to consider to stay or go: kids, finances, logistics, dependency needs, mental/physical issues, feel more in control overseeing kids and partner
8:45 Don't feel pressure to decide immediately
9:00 Loving and living with an addict can create a lot of confusion, increased blame, shame, manipulation, making decision-making so much harder
10:20 List of Things to Consider Before Leaving
10:30 Are there any physical/emotional safety issues? Is your partner exposing you to danger or irreparable harm?
12:05 How will staying/leaving impact your mental/physical health along with your other relationships?
14:03 Where is your partner in his/her recovery? Still denying, minimizing, blaming and shaming? Or is there a level of accountability, structure, empathy and compassion
15:11-15:46 Is your partner willing to accept influence from others?
15:50 the recovery path can be 3 steps forward, 2 steps back
16:30 What does your support network look like?
17:40-18:23 How a group can help you move forward when you feel stuck
19:05 Group support can help with validation, bring clarity, remind you of promises made to yourself
20:30 Are there kids involved? How does the relationship impact the kids and your relationship with the kids?
21:50 Are any of your physical or emotional needs being met in your relationship?
23:11 Have the boundaries and consequences you've set thus far worked up to this point? Might removing yourself from the environment leave the addict/betrayer to deal with his/her issues?
24:50 What is your addict partner getting from staying in this relationship?
25:30 Is there a foundation of love, respect, hope? Do you like parts of your partner?
26:08 Gottman's quiz on "is it time to leave"
35:03-36:15 What betrayed partners need from their partners to heal
41:30-42:39 Important points on recovery
Get my FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: bit.ly/RelationshipCrisis to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. It’s a small collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through the initial crisis period.
Incorporating meditation/mindfulness into your daily self-care routine? Use Muse and its app to track your progress, keep you motivated and accountable, and keep it interesting. Go to choosemuse.com/kristinsnowden GET 20% off with code KRISTINSNOWDEN (I receive a small commission)
Need help and guidance now? Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin bit.ly/RRROnlineProgram
**Join Kristin's LIVE (zoom) WORKSHOPS for betrayed partners and beyond. New sessions posted. bit.ly/KristinsWorkshops
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KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINARS EVERY ODD MONTH, THE SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM (pacific time) through SexandRelationshipHealing.com . Zoom link: zoom.us/j/244109360
#betrayaltraumarecovery #couplesincrisis #couplestherapy #addictionrecovery #Infidelity #crisismanagement #healthyrelationships
Kristin is the co-author of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life bit.ly/LifeAnonymousBook

[@MtuckerGoBlue]

Thank you. I've been struggling with this. Partner betrayed our marriage 6 years ago, her infidelity lasted 2 years on and off with a much younger man. My struggle, she promised to do anything for me to stay in the marriage. When I committed to stay and give her a chance, she simply started acting like nothing ever happened. If I bring it up, I'm ruining our day. 6 years, no response. Nothing. Makes me feel like I'm the crazy one for hurting. She just goes about life like it never happened and absolutely refuses to discuss this. Feeling trapped as I earn substantially more than her and can't imagine not being a full-time father. Makes your head spin.

[@KristinSnowden]

I hear you and understand your struggle. Is she not willing to do couples therapy with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma? Also I have a co-ed betrayed partners group starting soon that might help you.

[@MtuckerGoBlue]

@@KristinSnowden We did that, and she just sat zip lipped. After 9 sessions I gave up. The therapist was equally frustrated.

[@stephanie579]

Have you ever asked her to write you a detailed apology letter ?? I need to know how my H feels about his betrayal before I can consider forgiving plus counselling is non-negotiable … make sure you are expressing your wants and needs

[@KarenGravatt]

These are all really great questions to ask yourself when deciding to stay or go. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@KristinSnowden]

Even better questions to ponder in a safe small group with other betrayed partners….

[@joyk3070]

Almost 2 yrs still struggling because we don't live together because of his job. I insist he looks for a job where we can live together so that i can start trusting again but he's More focused on his career than the marriage he has messed-up. The betrayal happened when we lived separately. Hes still living in that country where he messed-up. I feel like giving up on us because to me this is not marriage anymore. Am worried for my kids

[@KristinSnowden]

I’m so sorry. I really hope you can find a betrayed partners group that you can lean into, share your story and receive support from…I have groups on my website, there are groups on WeTonglen.com and sexandrelarionshiphealing.com