The Trauma Of Loving An Addict (Or Alcoholic) Can Cause These SERIOUS Symptoms

[@everlast6678]

The worst thing about these kinds of betrayal is that you are denied the choice to make decisions about your relationship based on the truth. Please, tell me the truth so that I can decide if it is something I want to deal with or not!

[@deviroy9527]

Betrayal makes you feel like your whole life was a lie!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sure can

[@DenniConner]

I internalized that I have been stupid through our whole relationship (47 years).

[@Alpinewild444]

Because it was😔

[@hfrt29]

WITHOUT A DOUBT!

[@ritatharp5238]

We are all vulnerable.❤

[@shannonmccann148]

The most IMPORTANT video you have made!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thanks Shannon!

[@deannarobinson4065]

My entire body was physically contracted with fear in the moment that I heard Nevin say (paraphrasing) Spouse A, if there is anything at all left which you want to disclose to Spouse B, this is the time to do it. . . I think my psycho-somatic response is very telling! Amber, as you're prolly well aware . . . turning in the CSI (I'm no Hoover boy), but turning in the CSI badge & blacklight feels the same to me as "not caring anymore". But the antidote to that thought is this one: I'm actually caring way, way, way more than ever . . . but I'm caring about myself this time instead.

[@TheNmv2728]

This is great. I had no clue why I felt so bad.

[@tabbroz]

This is great information. Thanks for creating this content and sharing it.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Terri!

[@largefamilychaos1837]

Thank you. Now I know what the problem is. How do I find help? Where is the 20 dollar a month membership? I just see counseling

[@robinjohnson4828]

Special forces-

[@jenniferrivera5461]

With my ex each lie brought on another lie and there was no end to it. Put up with it for 15 years on and off while he abused Heroin and Fent and whatever else he could find. Stealing, lying, cheating and making me feel like I was the crazy one. The only thing that saved me was getting away from him 2 years ago. Still traumatized and havent been on a date since we split. No trust=No relationship. So glad I saved myself and stuck with it this time.

[@sunflowerzelda45]

Always said to my person. The lying about it, when I ask, is a double whammy. And he just couldn't understand why I was not interested in sex with him. Secret life was very hard to get over. In fact, I gave him 10 years before I walked away. There was no love for him after so many lies. Who was this stranger I lived with??

[@FarrahWanta]

I feel you, total stranger I put up with

[@mygoodnessdarlin]

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict will teach you love is a complete and utter lie. It will teach you never ever to trust again. Never to love again. Anyone ever. This is why God made dogs and cats. Get the hell away as fast as you can from the addict/alcoholic/liar. Get away from them yesterday. Run don’t walk.

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

I feel like the betrayal is layered, like an onion - for me it was the addiction, then the infidelity(ies) and then the deeper feeling of betrayal by someone I thought I'd marry and spend a life with. The pain is awful, and it takes a long time to heal. "The violation of trust" - no truer words spoken.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sure is, Mike!

[@angelaripolo2721]

Then you heal and you trust someone else only to be betrayed once again.

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

So sorry to hear it repeated again @@angelaripolo2721

[@eileenpillmeier3270]

This was fantastic. Thank you for the summary as well as the breakdown. Correct, it is about them. Multiple poor choices over 40 years. Childhood abuse and neglect. But he needs individual therapy. He must go deeper. There is no point in a betrayed spouse of an addict trying to "work" things out when they are not in recovery. Also, their lack of maturity is exhausting to deal with daily. They have been programmed. Irrational thinking. It is crazy making. I'm thankful for the insight, frequent respites, and support.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm glad this was helpful, Eileen. It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation.

[@rebelliousman9448]

When betrayed.... only a couple times over the decades .... in romantic relationships or in friendships... or professional situations.... I do NOT remain in the situation... I move on... period... people are completely in charge of themselves and i am NOT interested in laboring through someone else's f----ing developmental phases. Betrayal = no more me to f----ck with.

[@Alealea123]

Absolutely fantastic video, thank you for it. It has been eye opening to realise that what I am experiencing right now is actually a betrayal trauma. I repeated over and over to my partner, that I can have understanding for his struggle to stop drinking, but that it is never okay to lie to me. He lied about it so many times. Shifted the blame for a fight to me , hiding up the fact that he was drunk and didnt even remember most of the fight the next day.. For years lying and twisting the truth, making me feel guilty for even suspecting him of drinking and no trusting him that he is sober (when he was in fact drinking).. such deception on so many levels. The relationship trust is deeply wounded by all these behaviours througout the years..

[@sunflowerzelda45]

so how do you learn to trust anyone again?

[@tracycook3848]

This really validated my feelings. I tried to explain it to him but he said I had no right to feel that way.

[@lisaj___0077]

This was a good video for me to see. My first husband betrayed my trust when he cheated on me, three months into our marriage. We were married for 23 years before we divorced and that feeling of betrayal is still with me, 20 years later.

[@christinedebarros6597]

This was a very powerful video for me. I began watching your channel trying to understand addiction. This is such a huge part of the puzzle. Thanks to both of you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad this was helpful, Christine!

[@drialobosco6108]

OMG, this hits home and explains A LOT! My partener walked out after 10 years (drinking and temper). I really did not understand what was happening till the last year. Now that he is gone....oh the stories!! I have been devastated thinking he was not who I thought he was, living a life in the house and another outside. And I was becoming FBI and it has been making moving on harder. This video so helped me. handing in my badge to move forward.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

"handing in my badge to move forward" - Love it!

[@danaclemons4374]

How about when the addictive partner thinks they were betrayed like being cheated on, even if it never happened ? The addictive person does not trust you. Even though there has been no betrayal, it's all in their head.

[@Madzzy7]

I'm living this right now

[@lisaofparvatitherapy3865]

They are in dillusion..the mental condition makes them have to put the blame on anybody else. Even their own children.

[@AmanitaWoodrose]

This is a red flag for me, I would think it is simply projection - they are not to be trusted

[@reginareggie9854]

Interesting video. One person is betrayed by someone. Then the betrayer turns the table blaming the the other (Innocent party in relationship) for their reason which caused their actions to betray in the first place. Innocent party then has betrayal trauma which drives them to an addiction because of the blame. Now the innocent party( who had no addictions prior to being betrayed losses one self in a "crutch" addiction (using to drown feelings out) . Its an endless circle.

[@lisaofparvatitherapy3865]

Its the easy and daily " to your face" lies ( empty alcohol containers hidden everywhere and try I g to sneak vodka on our camping trip)and the doubling down when caught that wear you down and drive you crazy..when you tell them this they tell you its not true..its not driving you crazy and your wrong to feel this way. Im still enraged and hate him and dont ever want to see him again, even though I know hes sick and doesn't even know what hes doing. I just dont care anymore. After trying so hard for 10 years

[@fullgallupfarms]

Exactly what I've gone thru,for years.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

More on rebuilding trust 👉🏻👉🏻kzbin.infost0ywWyJ_2w

[@dougmoore7424]

I wish I knew how to start the conversation with my recovering spouse who has engaged in an emotional affair with someone in rehab (or at least inappropriate). I’m devastated by it and while this communication/relationship has “supposedly” ended I don’t want to be checking up on her even though i do not trust her yet. And while she claims she wants me to be in our marriage she doesn’t seem remorseful or ready to engage in next steps to restore our marriage. She may be using the crutch of “I need to focus on my recovery first”, and I want to respect that and not rush things. I just don’t know when or how to move forward. Suggestions?

[@AmanitaWoodrose]

Run!!

[@socorrogutierrez9501]

Sounds like giving space will make them miss you and be attracted to the safety and protection you can offer. Its not a good sign when they talk to people from that other world where they share a sickness. I don't get it. A person has to make up there mind about what their needs are and be well enough to want to care about more than themselves.

[@wookietalk]

This is a tough one. My situation is is similar with the inappropriate or emotional affair. Try couples counseling if you feel necessary. But make sure she knows how you feel if she never brings it up again.

[@janewildeboer]

Right. My twin sister has an addiction to control. It comes from things at a total different angle, because - believe me, there is no helping them. They always need to be 'in control'. I know it's a different subject - narcissism - but I still get a lot out of your presentations because there are a lot - a lot! - of similarities, together with the effect they have on those close to them. Thanks! This guy has just hit the nail on the head - It is a violation of trust. Yes, yes, yes.

[@kristenmarie9248]

I've heard it called alcoholic personality. They may be a narcissist, but when they drink 😱 It's scary! They may not be an alcoholic, but it's bad when they do drink. Hence, alcoholic personality.

[@SB_McCollum]

Secret holding that changes the power dynamic.

[@ritatharp5238]

I like to say, "it can make you bitter or make you better".❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a good one!

[@sunflowerzelda45]

had so many of these kinds of relationships that I just will not get involved with a man. Period.

[@thewhitepebblestudio]

Isaiah 54:4. (I started packing the 1st boxes today in the last move I will make from him. 26 years. I dunno myself. I am broken heart sore, angry, oh so angry, unforgiveness floods my soul & I beg Him to help me. Security gone, money gone, jobless dreams shattered embittered but my Maker Will provide & give me help. Ek bid vir jou. Bid vir my ook, asb. Groete Larga

[@brendamertes9472]

Thank you SOOOOOOO much for covering this. Dealing with this, having several addicts in my life

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Brenda. so glad it was helpful!

[@renewrelationshipcounseling]

This was a lot of fun! Thank you for having me!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much for sharing your expertise with us!!!

[@louisekeel207]

Thank you for this video. All these feelings are just as true when the addict is your adult child. I am a single parent, with just my daughter. We are just as linked, financially and emotionally, as partners are. I feel betrayal trauma, anxiety, hurt and sadness, and my trust has been completely violated, over and over. I've been lied to over and over, gaslit multiple times. It destroys a part of me every time. When all I want to do is have trust and openness. Because, without that, there is nothing to 'work with'....

[@kristenmarie9248]

Exactly. Been there. Take care of yourself. I hope she gets sober. ❤

[@danielles4476]

My ex belittles my trauma and pain. This is not a normal break up. It is prolonged, emotional torture as I find out all of the secrets and deception as the months and now years at this point go by as I try to pay off my ex’s debt. I live in the same house, so I get the mail, process servers. All from opioid abuse and his financial manipulations that of course are my fault.

[@eileenpillmeier3270]

Doesn't help matters his parents were also in on his multiple year affair. His affair partner was a married neighbor. What a joke.

[@socorrogutierrez9501]

I am impacted by all of these scenarios. It happened to ME in real life. Found out 2 months ago. She's right, it's not JUST one struggle. BUT in an 18 years marriage! Really God?! I confronted and dug into him. He left 2 months ago to live a drug life. Found paraphernalia pointing to 3 kinds of hard drugs! This is absolutely devastating to my heart. I remember finding old tab history ON MY PHONE, of all places. I shook and fell to the ground. I muttered nono no he's not miiiiiiiine? I was gutted. This video is killing me to hear and comprehend. Yet I have to cover all the words and pieces because if I don't my traumatized mind and body will hide it forever - just to STILL have a chance or glimpse of love again, I really don't trust myself now. I have to feel the truth! I hate myself. I'm empty. Humiliated as he's out there somewhere doing whatever he wants and pushing this betrayal toooooo far for any reconciliation. Why now? this late in the game! What do i tell my kids they are teens?

[@mi8345]

My h came clean about his sex addiction 2.5 years ago. The abuse got so much worse afterwards hence me setting a boundary around his 'drug'. He claimed he was sober the whole 2,5 years. Even did a polygraph. Now I found out he's continued to act out aaaall along. I've moved out and am going to file for divorce. It's not his drug of choice, it's the vicious notorious lying and deceiving. I am SO gaslit, I need to find myself again 💔

[@kathyjohnson1911]

My partner and I were drinkers together. I stopped drinking 3 1/2 years ago. He stopped 5 months ago (after falling and hitting his head and having to go to the ER), just now he came home and he’d had a beer. I’m devastated.

[@ritatharp5238]

I understand, my X-husband was a drinker who fell in the bathroom, hit his head and died.

[@lotus.vk1]

What if 2 people have the same childhood trauma regarding alcoholism? He is drinking I’m not, but I have used cannabis to regulate feelings. I think we both have trouble with regulating feelings. He is very excited about the situation, I feel worried when 2 people are not stable emotionally. He has been very very honest, and I shared a lot as well. I don’t want relive my trauma with alcoholism. Help?

[@bassheadsunite1369]

I've been betrayed antabuse so Long by my addict girlfriend and narcissist and the wounds are so deep I don't know how to fix any of it I'm trying my best and I don't want to give up on her but it's killing me literally I lost 40 pounds in 3 months because of their stress and anxiety and depression and I don't know how to fix any I don't want to lose her but I can't lose myself either I hope and pray you'll give me some insight on how to start healing

[@randallfriesen7797]

I have been in the same place in an relationship trust me get out of it the breakup pain doesn’t last forever better to have a few months of pain than years being with her once they are like that that’s what they become

[@victorial8764]

I really wish my partner would watch this. Maybe he would understand me more. Like I’m not some crazy person for feeling the way I do. 😢

[@dougmoore7424]

I want to share it to my spouse but I’m afraid it won’t be received well or even watched at all… leading to more hurt.

[@victorial8764]

@@dougmoore7424 I totally understand.

[@SouthernBelle85]

They don't think like we do, it would do no good.

[@ritatharp5238]

Thank you for saying anybody could be on either side of this issue. I appreciate that comment.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sure thing. I totally mean it. People think they're immune are kidding themselves!

[@ritatharp5238]

I appreciate that comment too. There go I by the Grace of God!

[@eamsutton]

15:34 you are so wise Amber to call out the overuse of the narcissist label !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Elizabeth. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine

[@freshbeeef]

Yes! This is what my husband and his affair partner would bond over - she diagnosed me as a "covert narcissist" without ever meeting me. To this day, he feels justified in cheating on me because he suffers from my "narcissistic abuse" 😂 Fuck both of them

[@choochoo247]

when the foundation that you've built your life with somebody else is is suddenly compromised very intimately, everything above it is immediately questionable

[@ritatharp5238]

"Learn to laugh in the face of adversity" & "Laughter is good medicine" Thank you Amber & guest, you're both so awesome!! Grateful for you both!! Helping others is a key to happiness! ❤

[@danshowbizz]

Yesss! There are layers and also levels of lies… I understand addiction well so I forgave my spouse almost immediately… but what hurts is that feeling that I don’t know who they are anymore. Feels like I discovered he had a second family and secret life… In my case, he totally got the betrayal and breach of trust and it almost made him want to break up and not even try as "how can I ever repair this!?". But bad experiences with therapists made it worse. He was seeing a therapist and she told him my trust issues were mine to tackle and not his problem (😮 I know). And the couple’s therapist we saw once… told him his secrecy and lies were "for a good cause" (so I wouldn’t be hurt and so we stayed together) and that in a way it was my fault as I just didn’t agree with drug use. (many things that therapist said were hard to believe… even my spouse was saying it was nuts). So… yeah. The hardest part is not doubting your own judgement after that, and trusting that you’re not being lied to.

[@kristenmarie9248]

There ARE some horrible therapists out there!

[@happywatcherful]

So how do you get help to fix this as a couple

[@wolfpower1111]

Check check check check divorce. Dont know you never happened.

[@lovegrows7814]

Yes! Thank you!

[@Centegix12]

Ozark!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Pam. I had a brain freeze on that one!

[@cyndimoore8114]

As a mom I know his lies really aren't my buisness. I try very hard not to push him into a lie. I ask few questions. I believe some not all of what he says. I encourage, I do not voice disappointment. But... I scream, yell, cry to God above all of my hurts. I pray one day he will learn to do the same.

[@reettaelina]

I have had so awesome people around me but...I can't ...why my life is this... every time this happens I feel I have nothing

[@thedarkfox3702]

EXACTLY!!! 😢 leezer

[@kristariggsrichard]

This is a very good video. Thanks.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Krista. I'm so glad it was helpful.

[@forest1butterfly]

🎉🎉🎉

[@paronydestill2194]

I have been in relationship with an alcoholic for 2 years and now I need therapy 🤐

[@angelaped]

Fantastic content. So many “ah-ha’s” - thank you.

[@pumpkin3731]

You look like the singer Kay Flay. Thank you for your work.

[@rachangel1951]

i gotta be a therapist for this nerd and he can't even fathom what that means. 🙄

[@isabelleboulay2651]

both individuals have to be at the same level of work.

[@stupidlove4544]

I want to ask if this people knows how to love?

[@amberphillips2911]

Ozark

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you, I couldn’t think of that on the spot!!! Good show.