If You Hear Him Say This, RUN | Dating Advice for Women by Mat Boggs

[@matboggs]

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[@tarab49]

He was telling me something that upset him and I was calmly listening and repeating back what I’d heard to make sure I got it right, as tensions were high. He got mad initially because I stayed calm, didn’t raise my voice or get overly emotional. Instead I focused on my breath and listened to what he had to say. He then went on to say that clearly I didn’t care about him because I wasn’t upset and arguing back! We broke up soon thereafter.

[@karenmarr7266]

GOOD ON YOU!!!

[@felinedaze2058]

It's a hard pill to swallow when I realised that I was also at fault and uttered some of these phrases. Thank you for the video, and making me aware of my failure in my unbalanced marriage. I can now work on these areas so that I don't do this to someone else.

[@ericataney]

1. Fixed Mindset: "This is just the way I am" or "I'm not good at talking about my feelings" (Implying that those are unchangeable/unmodifiable traits that he's unwilling to improve & you just have to accept) 2. Let's just agree to disagree 3. "If you REALLY cared about me, you'd..." (manipulative) 4. "You shouldn't feel that way" (dismissive) 5. "It's not that big of a deal" (dismissive) 6. "Nobody else would put up with you the way I do" 🤨 7. Victim mindset: "Why does this always happen to me?" "You don't understand how hard things are for me." 8. Emotional victim phrases: "You're pissing me off!" "You're making me so mad!" "I can't be happy because of you!" "I wouldn't act like this if you..." "You made me do it!"(blaming others, refusing accountability) 9. Gaslighting: "You're just too sensitive" "Everyone else agrees with me" (bandwagoning) "After everything I've done for you..." (guilt tripping) 10. Name-calling, labeling: "drama queen" "you're so selfish" "you're pathetic" or "you're a nag" **Keep in mind that a narcissist will PROVOKE, LIE, STEAL, MANIPULATE or even hide items from you & others to the point where a normal healthy person is so frustrated, exhausted and upset that they may exhibit a 'red flag' which is typically out of character, so the narcissist can then blame THEM.

[@ablakley8302]

Thank you for iterating this! So true.

[@Rotorqueen1]

Thank you for laying it all out in Writing!!!!!

[@messenger101100]

If your not changing it, your choosing it! ❤️🤗

[@LadyEsori]

OMG, put this on a shirt, a mug, a motivational poster, an ad that plays 24/7 and interrupts all your movies. People need to hear this quote! 💖

[@biancaurias1318]

I feel like this can go both ways not just advice for women.

[@Shitzumammie]

I agree, it’s for people who lack emotional maturity and intelligence.

[@Cooniez]

Wow. I've definitely heard the "No one else would put up with you..." line. Guess someone else was willing to 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

[@graceb947]

I choose a man with an abundant mindset! 🙌🌟🙌

[@cathyjandrue9489]

I always get "All I do for you" or "You don't appreciate anything I did for you" meanwhile this is coming from an abusive narcissis.t

[@Ange-gt4ym]

Thank you Matt. Listening and reflecting over my last breakup, i had some red flags described in my own behaviour, towards him but even more so towards myself. Sobering, i hope I’ll learn from them.

[@karenmarr7266]

Thanks for this video Matt. I heard "you're too sensitive" and other phrases while growing up. I'm glad to have a place where I can hear and understand the toxicity of these sayings.

[@hollywisconsin]

these are such great examples. i appreciate the compassion with boundaries taught in this too. people are definitely in a drought around social-emotional skills. the awareness of this empowers me and helps me choose and manage my behavior. thank you!

[@Faye-vy5kb]

He said this, and I put my running shoes on "My ex picked out all my clothes." I want a man not another child.

[@OceanLove]

In a shouting voice, “I am NOT YELLING at you!!”

[@JillCee]

Wow! Reminds me a lot of my parents. Makes sense why I have been so slow to get into relationships. Makes the guy I am spending time with now so much more special. Not perfect, but we are definitely growing and learning together. Nice where we put each other first.

[@ancientwisdom108]

Red flags... "I don't deserve you" "I'm not a good guy" "You're like a baby" "I love it when you're desperate ", "I love you but I'm not in love with you" "You're like my mom" It's also a red flag when your partner's therapist says condescending stuf about you...

[@MyUltimateStuff]

Yes, I've learned that if "they" (whichever gender) says that, they're correct! Be polite, but run!

[@jessie260]

Thank you so much Matt, your video makes me realize that I had been in toxic relationships before where I made the choice to stay. I'm learning better what is healthy and what is not. You're very kind when you uplift all of us and give us hope that the right person for each of us is getting closer with the changes you are suggesting and that we will meet one day..🙏

[@lovepeacejoyhappiness]

If you catch them lying and they ask "why would I lie?" which is the dumbest question ever because the answer is always the same, to save your ass. But asking in this way, places the onis on you to give a "good enough reason" and if you can't, they feel like that just means they didnt lie. It's just a deflecting technique. Run.

[@antoinetteadame0526]

Oh boy. I remember the victim/responsible exercise at the basic PSI Seminars. It’s awesome to hear these principles again.

[@ronadesi4205]

Excellent😢 I heard all of this!!Divorced!!

[@tanrex3]

A common one I hear after pointing out their actions hurt me is “I’m sorry you feel that way but that was not my intention”. Another covert gaslighting tactic and a definite red flag 🚩

[@IGlowIFlow]

Let’s agree to disagree to me reflects a common ground and actually a flexible mindset that allows disagreement without conflict. I use this with my friend often and it shuts down any disagreements and arguments that are going no where.

[@aeiou0123]

This can lead to resentment.

[@IGlowIFlow]

@ no we both move on like nothing happened. For us it’s a win,win. Because we don’t take our disagreements to heart. We accept each others differences, and holding space for that shows we value our individuality and differences over just a people pleasing type bonding.

[@libbycollins9349]

It could depend on what the matter under discussion might be. If it’s a critical matter, disagreeing may be more serious than “agreeing to disagree” about a Ford versus a Chevy pick up truck.

[@tertain]

@@IGlowIFlowsometimes it’s a sign of good self differentiation - we don’t have to agree with our partners 100% of the time.

[@IGlowIFlow]

@@tertain yes, but some things shared needs both partners to have a common good/interest and agreement in situations like kids, money, work, living etc the essential things. That’s why it’s important to have that discussion before marriage.

[@lisan8007]

Bandwaggoning is so-so frustrating. I heard it a lot from my ex. All my friends say that about you.... 🤦🏼‍♀️ And it always triggered me. Thx God, it's in the past.

[@alimccreery755]

Absolutely all correct 👍 I’ve been gaslighted so many times and manipulated that since I educated myself no more I’m done.

[@kitikiti6246]

Thank you coach 🙏 Mat

[@tinap8227]

Crazy that my ex did all of these, I'll admit I resorted to a couple myself in the victim one. I was so blind.

[@Illuminatedperfume]

Thank you Mat! What was super helpful with the video is how to respond when someone says these phrases, that's the piece I personally am working on, thus appreciate the examples so much!

[@lesliemacpherson4836]

How about this one: don’t take it personally, but… Usually what follows is pretty hard NOT to take personally.

[@crystaldance5731]

One of the phrases is I love everyone ❤️👍🏻

[@AllisonMoore-ci6du]

I'm dating a man who has had three apparently bad relationships where they took money from him, he is stuck in progressing our relationship due to these "horrible" relationships. I may need to walk away since he does not appear to have a growth mindset.

[@hollywisconsin]

yes good point and that's fabulous you notice and are looking out for yourself.

[@ancientwisdom108]

Walking away might be the only thing that convinces him that you're not in it for his money.

[@DivestedConfessions]

Walk. HE’S the prob. He’s lying.

[@Pernikitty]

These videos tend to appeal when we’re in the mindset of looking for confirmation of a bad relationship, but if you want to give them a chance to step up you also need to look for positive steps towards trust - even small ones for us sometimes are big for them. If he’s not getting any closer at all, and not willing to build trust, yep, time to go.

[@AllisonMoore-ci6du]

@@Pernikitty Thank you!!!

[@dianethompson6804]

My late husband, when he was drinking, used to say"quit your nagging or I'll go down town and drink every night". Instead of 3 notes a week. I did quit talking cause it's impossible to communicate with a drunk! They don't understand or hear what you are saying! He finally quit drinking the last 3 years of his life--after I left for 3 days. It still didn't solve all our problems, but the drinking made them worse. He did the best he knew how--his whole family was broken and dysfunctional. He didn't have any good examples growing up!

[@dickbanger8924]

I bet he drunk every night to block out your chronic nagging about pointless crap

[@klm7858]

😢 Went through this for 10 years, only he never threatened to drink, just slithered off with a fake excuse and disappeared. At first overnight, then a few days, then weeks, then months. I divorced him.

[@Kam_926]

Thx, Mat this is great information!!! God bless you!!

[@alimccreery755]

I don’t have any extra because you covered and said it all. Thank you for validating 👍👍👍

[@staciethomas1403]

I’ve heard victim mentality with girlfriends, too

[@celialivermore1640]

You are amazing! Thanks!

[@kristenallen8438]

I hear all of this from my sister, who’s posing as my best friend.

[@ddnz7]

❤I love your advice, thank you

[@ajw6441]

Appreciated these words of wisdom!

[@quincypayot422]

Thank you for this informative video.

[@laureenm4878]

Fabulous information

[@rezotydnic]

Red Flag Phrases 1. Fixed mindset phrases. Can't grow. Can't change. *Growth mindset. Look for. 2. Manipulator mindset. 'If you' phrases. 'You shouldn't' phrases. 'You're overreacting' phrases. 'Nobody else would put up with you' phrases. 3. Victim mindset. 'Why me?' 'You don't understand how...' 4. Emotional Victim. 'You're making me soo mad...' 5. Gaslight mindset. You're to sensitive. Guilt tripping. 6. Name calling and labeling. You're soo lazy. You're stupid. Run. Run. Fro. These types of men.

[@DreamingCatStudio]

I wonder what you think of these 2 things: 1) it’s also important that I am watching MY mindset and language and not do any of these too-both toward myself and toward him. 2) The fellow I’m involved with had “a crush” on me decades ago and says he never felt about any other woman how he felt about me. It’s flattering but I want him to get to know and like me NOW. I can’t compete with that younger me! Any advice?

[@minoutv7347]

I call these proceed with caution situations. Sort of like need to know more about this person before you decide to get any further involved. We don’t want to paint red flags green. But if you’re not sure, take a step back and observe more before wading into those waters.

[@klm4135]

"Don't make me stamp a "S" (stupid) on your forehead" and he started to comment that more frequently - this was coming ftom a 66 yr old businessman who at first, I thought was mature & kind😮

[@brendaliz.arteaga]

I've heard 8/10 through my life🥴🚩

[@lauradadeboe7477]

Am single and searching ❤just say hi let start a beautiful relationship 😚

[@Marilyn12346]

How about “I don’t know if I want to get that close”, after 3 months of online nightly hook ups???

[@klm7858]

RUN!!!!! He'll never commit.

[@patriciarose2342]

Projectors of their own garbage. Ive gotten this too much. Im a very open and honest person, kind, generous, hospitable and i love to give when i think someone is worthy or in my home. This is who I am. A relationship will be going really well and fun for a while and then one day, all of a sudden, the guy will be sitting on my couch accusing me of this, that and the other thing! I dont know what happened but in that moment I know Im being projected on with all his own fears, problems and garbage. I used to have compassion on this but now Im done with it. Now I say "the conversation is over, theres nothing more to say so you might as well leave. Maybe your tired, go home and take a nap". If he cant find the self awareness to come back and admit what he just did, Im completely done with him. It's sick and sad and I'd rather be alone. The last guy that did this? I hear he's a complete disaster, lost credibility, losing opportunities and his circle.

[@joannguzzo185]

You just called out my ex 😅😮

[@HL-yb6jt]

lol i think i sound like this……he is patience one I’m to nice for a toxic man and to toxic for a nice man. 😳

[@GreenDolphinProject]

I'm totally the person saying all these wrong things.

[@Pernikitty]

I admire your courage for admitting it, take care of your inner child and reassure them you are there for them.

[@AMH2001]

"Over my dead body", "Cause I said so", "Yeah, I dont think so", "Yeah, watch ya gonna do about it"?...I think you can see Im not married to him anymore.

[@danilaroche1156]

Maybe bowling girl was PMS ing. Your friend should be wary though!

[@user-ux6wm3jo9b]

How about, "You can't do that to a guy!", when choosing not to have sex with them.

[@alinaitwemonica7928]

Ifeel am hurt in love ihave always loved,bt have been dis appointed,now ifeel icnt love any momore yrt ifeel inned some one fir stable love and marriage

[@AnnieBwalya-i6b]

I have noticed All of them in my husband and being an immigrate is so confusing 😢😢

[@TerryGuzmanMartinez]

My dad 😢😢😢

[@JC50-joy]

I was the one who said "let's agree to disagree" 😅, not him

[@rasselb.1033]

I stop talking to this guy! He talked negatively on all 7 exes and i asked him what are your flaws? And caught him all lies coz he talked to much and never listen to me lol! Im out.

[@SuperDflower]

Well, I’m not thinking about somebody I’m dating, but a family member I recently dealt with who is very manipulative. Know it say that when somebody basically starts a sentence by saying “you have been so… Fill in the blank”…… any chance somebody is accusing you of anything, especially from the jump, how is anybody not going to feel defensive under those circumstances and also, they’re not taking responsibility for the fact that you’re feeling uncomfortable about some thing and perhaps even like to see if there’s a way to remedy the situation instead they’re basically making you wrong immediately. Where is he going to go from there?

[@Pernikitty]

Distance is amazing with toxic family. You don’t need to subject yourself to that treatment.

[@danilaroche1156]

​Exactly. My family..most of them are psychotic. God told me to maintain distance.

[@hangnguyen-mj7tu]

👍🏻🙏🏻🌹♥️👍🏻🙏🏻🌹♥️

[@patriciarose2342]

If the complaining woman was in the military then no, she cannot leave. And if she qas the only one working then no, she cannot leave. Both were my situation but i still didnt complain like that. My ex was the victim who couldnt / wouldnt work. Couldnt do anything but blame.

[@danilaroche1156]

No need to preface advice with "I'm not judging ". Its unnecessary, brother. Everyone is so freaking scared. Pressured to be politically correct and be robots & clones. Stop. By the way..the Bible speaks on judging but its addressed in particular contexts. Making a statement is not JUDGING.

[@sballantine8127]

Great content, thank you much.