If You're Doing This, Your Betrayed Spouse Is Losing Respect for You

Today Samuel shares critical insight for both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse who are trying to heal.
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Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@blackananaas]

Just came here and noticed I posted something a year ago... Same shit has been going on. Accusing me of being cold and distant. And I am the one preventing him doing what he needs to do to repair the damage. He doesn't stop complaining how things get worse, how much he suffers, how tired/sad/fed up he is, how he just wants peace, etc etc... I have a hard time understanding people who complain about the shitty situation they put themselves in. I think I will just give up... I have not so much left in my soul. I regret believing in recovery.

[@annagriffith110]

I really understand😞 I’m sorry. This is the hardest most painful I’ve ever gone through. I really felt I could commit the unpardonable sin. Sometimes I still do.

[@MiaMeezy]

I can't shake the feeling that he's not in love with me. I cry he shuts down. I'm broken into a million pieces and I'm starting to think Run, just Run

[@laurabeelb]

8 years later and I still feel like my spouse sees “consequences” (boundaries for safety) as nothing more that restrictions he doesn’t deserve (he fully deserves them as I don’t feel like we’ve ever established real safety) and it has eroded at the way acts/feels towards me. My mind and body are screaming that he is emotionally unsafe because he literally does all the things that Samuel says, “if you do this” I guarantee you that you’ll have a difficulty time healing the relationship. He’s started watching these videos but I’m at a loss of what else I can do to cope with his lack of awareness that things are the way they are because he continually proves he is emotionally unsafe and not accepting of the consequences/boundaries.

[@blackananaas]

2 years later still reacting defensive, doesn’t take responsibility and put the blame on me and accuse me of being too mean…

[@dieselboytorres]

betrayed: treat yourself with respect and i assure you , the more you value yourself the more you will reinforce what the unfaithful is missing out on unfaithful: you have a lot of work to do but you can do it. You have to work really hard now on gaining your respect because you valued it so little.

[@terry_kathryn]

😭

[@michellegrove5877]

Yesssss OWN IT!!!! Stop being in denial. Trust is very valuable without it u have nothing!!! 🙏✌️

[@labour_of_love_renovation85]

I love your videos. I am dealing with 3 years affair and 2 resulting children. Your videos have saved me on days I didn't think I could get through.

[@andrepalms]

God is working in the background y’all so keep praying! Don’t let the natural world corrupt your mind, don’t give up!

[@terry_kathryn]

😭

[@tonglag2089]

The natural world didn't cheat on me, my husband did. I can't forgive him he's the biggest liar I've ever met and he was raised in the church. His father was a pastor and he uses the Bible and what I should do to manipulate me and pretends he does no wrong. His favorite thing to say is thankyou Jesus. He has cheated several times lies all the time and pretends to be so holy

[@missyv8958]

Yes that's what I keep telling myself. It's so hard its easier to wallow in my own self pitty 😞 😪.

[@pamelab.6396]

We've been stuck here for years. No empathy or compassion for his actions of substance abuse and cheating for 20 years. Although the substance abuse has stopped we never talk about it. Somehow it's still my fault for not being exactly what he thinks he deserves in a partner. Although I put on a good act in front of him, I'm at the lowest point i've ever been in my life. I've lost my career because I just couldn't handle the bigotry anymore from the men I worked with then coming home to the mental and verbal abuse. For a long time it didn't bother me at work but over time, getting it from every direction, I broke. I'm trying to fake til I make it but I can't get myself together enough to make it. The only person that is going to change in this relationship is me. I want to be less dependant on him but my brain is so jumbled I can't even focus long enough to take care of myself and I self sabotage with my thoughts. Nothing I do is good enough anymore. Even for myself. Geez, it's maddening.

[@sharvey9500]

So sorry, I know how you are feeling. I have been through the same. EMS really works if you are both at least willing to go and be open minded. It has been 5 months since my last D-day. I went into EMS with an open mind, not knowing if we would stay together or not. Since then it has been a roller coaster ride, but I do see some progress for both of us. My grief can manifest itself at any moment. We still have yet to discuss his 39 years of cheating that he outlined in his timeline, but I do have a timeline. I was an emotional and physical wreck for 4-6 months. I've survived a lot in my life, but this has been the worst! I'm not through grieving, but it does get better, whether you stay with him or not. Hope for healing was instrumental in my self healing. Best wishes, your in my prayers.

[@jdc2730]

Please don’t think of me as childish. I’m 10 months into D day and I broke down so much I was wailing uncontrollably. And I was alone. Then I remembered the Fathers Love Letter, started listening to it and I broke down even more, but this time I was not alone. Our Father was holding me tenderly while whispering how much he adores me and how he understands how I’m hurting. I cried like a baby while Father held me. We are hurting because we believe we are unwanted and unworthy. God tells we are HIS treasured possession. I ache for you. But GOD can comfort you.

[@lyn9415]

Experiencing this now love, how are you now?

[@thefonz1589]

You are not alone!

[@zacharygriffith8565]

Wish I knew those things helps a lot thank you.

[@elenaboatwright3264]

please use only the initials EB. i know these videos are old but i have seen them before but like to watch them again trying to find a way to heal. one june 19 it was 3 years since the discovery but to this day i have not had one ounce of disclosure. I still live with the lies he told. I have tried to get answers to my questions but to no avail. I know absolutely nothing. For the 3 years I have tried to just move on and stay in the marriage but can't seem to because I have so many thoughts and still cry every day. As you said in one video "Does he choose me or just need me". As you said in another video "It is not the unfaithfulness but the deception that hurts so much." I am trying to see how I can get out of this marriage but have now figured that out. I feel like I no longer want to stay married but I do like him.

[@carolashlee8002]

It’s all the lies that I lost trust & respect

[@CarolDudeck-bl7kz]

You hit the nail in the head with my ex husband, thank you!🌹

[@melodyvoss]

Talk about NOT taking responsibility... my husband refuses to contact his one night stand (who he's known since HS, & ran into her after 18yrs) to find out if she's pregnant. It's been 9 months now & he just won't do it. I need to hear him call her & hear her answer so that we can close the book on his infidelity. I don't want to have her come to us in the future to say "Hey, I need child support now!" I need him to do this, so I can heal. (Also, a month after that one night stand, he hung out with a co- worker & made out with her (He said it was just kissing & her shirt was off, but we all know there was intent to have sex) He still works with her!!

[@jungi6602]

My husband said he was sorry for what he did but because I keep bringing it up over last 3 years, he says he feels numb and angry. I really felt he was sorry for what he did and I have trust issues and don’t feel safe. I tried to kick him out yesterday because he left me at gym. I felt so disrespected. I am so hurt.

[@lauriedelarosa120]

If a person leaves you somewhere, that’s a sign that they have low empathy and care and concern. Did they come back? Where you bringing it up at gym? If it was brought up is it because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public? Hugs I feel if you’re bringing it up that it was never fully discussed and worked Thru. You are worthy of love and deserve to be able to talk about it and thru it. But don’t hold on to it, it eats away at you. Much love

[@zenkiea9663]

Honey you need to forgive and work towards recovery. I know your hurting right now and you have a lot of pain. That said You need to redeem your husband under the blood of Jesus Christ and ALL of your pain and leave it at the foot of the cross. Love your husband in faith like Christ has loved and forgiven you. Embrace Grace!

[@Thrillingg]

This is very well articulated. Thank you for this.

[@jdc2730]

I have to look at him with laser eyes because he is an enemy.

[@irisfino1149]

Thank you this is exactly how I feel but I never getting answers is so sad I’m exhausting and tired I’m give up my marriage I can’t fight anymore not alone 😭😭

[@jungi6602]

I am sorry. Correction. I never felt that he was ever sincerely sorry.

[@brightpage1020]

Do you ever see people do more damage than good to each other or their families in “trying to make it work”?

[@samshealingpodcast]

without expert help and assistance, yes, unfortunately I do see that.

[@heidiainsworth4348]

That's exactly what we are going through now😢

[@lisa-marieshy9673]

Thank you for your humbled guidance 🙏 Your videos and honesty are deeply appreciated 🇨🇦

[@PEGGYASHMAN]

Thank you. Much work for me to do. Cleaning the mirror. 🙏🏻😳🕊🦋

[@eventhere2788]

I'm still struggling 20 years after the disclosure of the affair. I know that door is closed and I do trust his commitment and faithfulness to our marriage but I still struggle with feelings of being heartbroken, feeling unlovable and bit valued for who I am. I have done as my husband requested and not bring it up again in communications. He's permitted me carte Blanche with reading his emails, texts. But he refuses to renew our Vows. He may say the words I love you but it's not resonating with me. I still feel at times alone and adrift.

[@ivywildwss]

20 years is a long time 1) for you to still be struggling with the betrayed feelings, and 2) for him to refuse to renew vows - the 2nd, refusal to renew vows would be a dealbreaker if it were something important to you. Is it? Or is it just something you kind of want?

[@anissaholmes4495]

Life is too short to live like that. Why be miserable for the rest of your life?

[@ChrissieLatham-w2c]

My husband don't blame me but when I lash out he just shuts down, then he will ask me if it will be better for me if we get a divorce. He doesn't want to hear what I say, he says he is ashamed. So I'm just supposed to be alone with all my hurt to spare his feelings. I don't think I can go on like this, I feel so alone because I don't have someone to talk to, I don't want anyone to know what my husband did. It will just complicate things.

[@troytanner9838]

What do I do when the betrayed says they don’t know what they want to do? 14 years ago I was emailing with a old high school girlfriend inappropriately. I’ve owned my short comings and I have apologized profusely. I just don’t know where to turn.

[@samshealingpodcast]

you can turn to us. will she get help with us and through us?

[@troytanner9838]

@@samshealingpodcast I think she would but I know I have to be the one to start.

[@tenea24]

What if my betrayed told me not to have any expectations? He’s not doing any work.. we have therapy scheduled in exactly a month , but I’m afraid we won’t make it there. He keeps throwing what I did in my face.. I’ve entranced everything, I’ve let my guard down and all defences, but he’s so guarded.. idk what to do.

[@thrasherwartooth]

Don't give up hope. It sounds like you're dedicated to doing the work. Be sure to never stop flexing your empathy muscles. If you both don't make it to counseling together, you can at least go yourself. Keep putting in the work.

[@normaearnisse3106]

Thank you for sharing, your words help!

[@samshealingpodcast]

so glad i could help.

[@joemorris9330]

My wife keeps bringing up past hurts making me feel like shes trying to justify her betrayal not understanding that I'm willing to work throw her hurt but I need this to be worked on first what do I do

[@samshealingpodcast]

get outside expert help so that we or they can say the things you can't say. she's probably far too reactive right now. getting help from outside experts will create safety for you to let them help her move through her hurt and pain

[@bimmer4474]

The problem with this is it starts to sound like they are saying things for the sake of saying them. It's becomes almost robotic. So my spouse keeps saying- I was wrong, I'm starting new, I did this I hurt you - but what I hear and see is the usual disconnect. That turtle position like he's saying this as a defense to protect himself. Not make me feel safe.

[@5857Farm]

There is definitely a difference between monologing and genuine empathy and regret. The robotic words on repeat becomes white noise.

[@shala604]

I understand what you are saying. I just don't respect it. When I'm looking at this from any reasonable position. Respectfully let me say that no one cares if the cheater feels shame or fear of rejection. The entire reason that the situation is what it is ...there lack of respect and selfishness. They should feel shame it's apart of the choices they have made. And in my experience I don't feel he has earned the right to expect my respect and patience. He lied for almost a year and fathered a child with this chick. The entire pregnancy lying to me and hiding it .. sorry he doesn't get to feel entitled to keep information from me now because he's ashamed. Let me just say no ...I'm ashamed

[@johnholmes7090]

I really like your videos unfortunately I’m filling for divorce , my soon to be ex feels like she needs to grow as an independent person. My wife put herself back in the streets and cheated on me .

[@anthonystasheski9585]

Hi Ssm, ty for all ur videos!!!!! How long did ur affair last?

[@samshealingpodcast]

you're very welcome. it was about 2.5 years.

[@mi8345]

My h says he doesn't expect me to respect him 🙄 2,5 yrs in nothing but pitty party. Getting so tired of him.

[@jungi6602]

Hi. Samuel. Thank you so much for your helping me through this pain last 3 years. My husband and I decided to work on our marriage after he cheated with call girl 3 years ago. His affair lasted 3 months and not sure how many there were. I am struggling because although we live together he does not show me affection and live like roommates which he denies. We argue and talk about divorce which is something I did not want but I bring it up to get some emotion out of him. I want help but he doesn’t. Please help.

[@samshealingpodcast]

it appears you both need help and he's not respecting your request. i would use these two articles and the approach outlined in them: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if he gets to say no to getting help and there are no consequences then what's to stop him from continuing to do that? i hope the videos help you see the need for standing up for yourself and your needs.

[@norbiealpanta3874]

That's exactly true.

[@shaunpetersen2789]

My wife (betrayer) is attending Marriage counseling professionally with me as well as Marriage enrichment classes at church, yet has plans / list of what to do when she no longer (admittedly) wants to be married to me. She also still misses the 3rd party re:sex after promised no contact with him.

[@beastman245]

Hey what If the unfaithful says they don't regret what they did?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's a severe red flag for sure. i would get expert help asap and begin to draw boundaries and find out if there is a future and if they are committed to getting help at all?

[@beastman245]

They have stopped cheating for over a year now but they said it when they we're upset, but how important is regret?

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@beastman245 i would hope for remorse and humility for what they've done. if there isn't remorse or sorrow for the pain they caused you, that's a big concern.

[@kevinkennett7474]

She told the AP in a text she had no regrets.

[@postbyte1]

What if there's no addiction to or infidelity?

[@shamalama29]

We would be in heaven.

[@jilldavenport7410]

Yep. %100

[@Adinecita25]

💯