If You Struggle With Limerence, Here Is How You Start The Healing Process

[@amberwinders6892]

I've started telling myself that reaching out to people after they've shown they don't want me is a form of self-injurious behavior and that has helped me a lot.

[@AmatielleSilva]

It absolutely IS self harm

[@davidnorman2134]

Exactly been doing that all my life as long as I remember

[@Humgin1234]

I do the same thing it helps me too. When I force myself to see it as injury to myself to contact someone

[@malena_galvez]

❤

[@ktoo303]

it's self-betrayal. It's to confirm subconscious beliefs that you are unlovable, unworthy, and have to fight for love, fight for your right to feel included, the thing is, you're not unlovable; there was never a moment of your life where you were unworthy of love and support and care, you're worthy of love, you ARE loved

[@Shiva_Ani]

In trying to overcome limerence, please don't get absorbed in toxic shame because you cannot seem to get over it. Limerence is a learned survival instinct for someone who has faced severe abandonment issues, and it must be approached with deep understanding and compassion.

[@doodle4346]

does it get better? im still thinking about someone a year after our thing ended, im just kinda tired tbh

[@meowJACK]

​@@doodle4346here's hoping. 😔 It's been close to 2 years for me and I still can't stop thinking about the person.

[@Pure-Pisces]

🙏🙏

[@Shiva_Ani]

@@doodle4346 It does get better. But how much time it would take varies from person to person. Just check if the expectations you have attached to the person are coming from your shadow self/repressed childhood need.

[@ji-ah3186]

Wow that hit home: you're not gonna get closure. Closure is a fake word when you're addicted to somebody. Thank you.

[@mantis044]

Wow. Yes.

[@natalieschannel7675]

Blocking is the only real closure

[@anahugueney168]

Literally paused the video and wrote that down when she said it lol

[@DeJa-b3l]

Rumi is helping me a lot saying :"our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

[@katherinewilson1853]

Love this quote! Thank you!

[@Adgjmptw343]

Dude, drank himself to death but left behind deep quotes.

[@shahin6671]

Thank you for sharing this precious quote. ❤

[@Tomoko-mui]

❤❤❤

[@biondna7984]

Limerence is like "pouring cement into the engine of your life." That's excellent. That's EXACTLY what it is.

[@nateo200]

Wow that is a really really powerful analogy

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Never make someone a priority when they consider you just an option

[@bunnyboonot4u]

Love this -. I'm going to live by it. Starting now. I commented that 3 weeks ago. I wrote it down and taped it to my desk. I remind myself everyday that I don't have to put up with someone who goes out of their way let me know just how much they don't care. There's nice people out there. Like the cute guy at my hairdresser

[@Foxie635]

Easier said than done. 😢

[@disdroid]

not if you bolster yourself against failure and rejection - for example, if you buy them a gift, make it something that you could keep yourself if you never saw them again. if you cook their favourite dinner, then make your own favourite pudding in case they don't show up. if you really want to win someones heart (assuming they have one - otherwise it's time to bail out), it's a huge effort against the competition and so on, so you need to be resilient and bounce back, whilst also showing that you do have genuine feelings. when they realise that you're not merely acting in your own self interests, but in theirs as well, they could turn it round and get serious - and if they don't, there's nothing lost in the long run.

[@gcb7913]

Easy! thank you

[@susandavismt-bc5273]

Ugh… where was this 10 years ago

[@OpulentAristocrat]

I stopped believing in twin flames & soulmates relationship when I started healing especially since ALL of my relationships (platonic & romantic) were marinated in limerence.

[@mariajmc6557]

Marinated so well said... 😂

[@elizabethcablesings]

Marinated!!! LOL well put

[@twinflamerehab]

right! twin flames are by definition limerant.. in the 3d... where we live :)

[@iartol]

Damn i came to comment to say that marinated was an awesome wording but two people already said that lol

[@cloverofyourlife]

😂❤

[@izizxoxo]

Limerence can be so soul crushing. Personally, it is stronger than any other emotion I can experience. I’ve had a death in the family + putting down my cat today, yet the limerence for my ex is STILL stronger. I hate that 😢

[@justlivinglife465]

I really really hate that the person I was most madly in love with was so unworthy of it. I never understood how people couldn’t just get over stuff because I’d always just done that. Now I get it..

[@ebraryasar23]

Im sorry for your loss ❤🫂

[@samia6888]

I hate that too, like my dad passed away 2 months ago and this limerance bs hurts deeper, even though my love for my dad was and is completely real. I am spending so much time obsessing instead of grieving over my dad.

[@samanthasunshine8085]

It doesn't allow time or space or energy to even begin a grieving process.

[@ritaamor283]

Because it is an addiction and it has to be treated as one 🙏 but it’s tricky because if one abandons his family or doesn’t go the best friend’s funeral because he is an heroin addict, people can see that, limerence is more disguised, in my opinion, is because those who have limerence had to create an escape that know one would know to survive reality. Limerence appears, in my opinion, when you grew up in a way, not only with trauma, but where you were even allowed to talk about the trauma with anyone. I had an highschool friend that his father was really violent, actually ended up killing their mother, a very tragic story, so sad, 🙏, but my point is, most of our friends knew, he would talk about it, etc. While everybody would say to me “you are so carefree, you are really that kind of person who doesn’t care for anything” etc and I would maybe smile and nod along, or at least not contradict it, when in reality I don’t even know HOW I finished highschool when I didn’t sleep ONE whole night through those years. 🙏

[@Spritualhealing_CRISTINA]

I healed it. But with me,, the guys were Interested TIL I SET BOUNDARIES. And took me time to realize they were wrong for me. Anyone who wants to negotiate my boundaries, act like i m overreacting,, they NOT Worth it. I know this now. I had to choose between my boundaries or having a relationship. I healed my obsession long story short.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good for you! Thank you for sharing! Nika@TeamFairy

[@patriciaberliner8050]

This is the best Crappy Childhood presentation I've seen. Invaluable information. So many good points made. So sharp at picking out details behind every comment and word in these questions provided by brave listeners who are responsible enough to want to improve and grow. I applaud everyone involved and thank Anna Runkle.

[@patriciaberliner8050]

P. S. I wish Anna was my therapist.

[@lw6138]

I had massive crushes on celebrities and I spent a lot of time in fantasy world. When I married, I was disappointed that I wasn't fixed automatically. It was a huge problem in our marriage that I had such expectations. Fortunately, he stayed with me and we are very blessed at 35 years together.

[@jillhamster246]

Yeah

[@licensetochill4992]

Very happy for you! Hope you and your husband have many more years to look forward together ♥

[@cloebell1]

"It is profoundly healing to be loved by someone who is committed to you"; hearing this put tears in my eyes. I am attempting to heal from my husband cheating on me, I often fantasize about beeing with someone faithful who loves me...

[@lizgriggs107]

Limerance is why I can't have casual sex 😂😂 I'll just turn around and think I'm in love with them despite it all

[@LoveLeigh313]

I can’t even kiss or go on a date without planning the wedding in my head 🥴😂

[@goblinsRule]

​@@LoveLeigh313this is nothing, I still remember couple of years ago, I was shopping and wanted to know where the specific vegetable, this lady talked to me so nice, asking me about what I am going to cook, hope it tastes good, I was so limerancing that she is going to be my wife, I am going to cook for her , she will like the food, and I left saying to her, see you later, I never saw her again 😢, but that memory is like a movie, because she said we are so devoid of love and affection, any tiny , we go crazy 🤣

[@LoveLeigh313]

@@goblinsRule do you have prominent Pisces placements by chance? 😅

[@goblinsRule]

​@@LoveLeigh313I love you, when is our marriage, and I am ordering my wedding dress today

[@LoveLeigh313]

@@goblinsRule oh dear

[@essiejames1627]

I just realised I don't have boundaries. I thought I did - because I say what they are. But I don't actually walk away when they're crossed. D'oh!

[@meowJACK]

Lmfao same. 🥲 My last ex (who I still struggle with limerence towards, 2 years later) CONSTANTLY bulldozed my boundaries and I just let it happen. And it's far from the first time that has happened to me. It's genuinely scary when I look back on relationships or friendships after they've ended and I suddenly realize how much I completely disregarded my boundaries for that person, yet IN THE MOMENT, I genuinely did not seem to see it or understand it. In the moment I always have constant excuses as to why it's not a big deal, and convince myself that I'm okay with it, and I genuinely don't even realize this is happening. There is NO moment where I'm able to go "hey wait a second!! This person keeps crossing my boundaries!! That's not okay!!" 😭 It straight up just DOES NOT OCCUR TO ME at any single moment until that person is already out of my life and I'm reflecting on the 1,000 things that should've made me walk away but I didn't.

[@BrighterThanYours]

Id say don’t specifically say I don’t want to have casual sex because I’ll get hurt and swap that to I don’t have casual sex. Period. No bargaining. Take it or leave it.

[@noticemenot]

💯

[@meowJACK]

Honestly that's really good advice for a lot of different boundaries, for those of us who really struggle with respecting our own boundaries. Don't add "because I'll get hurt" or "because x, y, or z"... Cuz then your mind will find ways to be like "but this is DIFFERENT! this time I WON'T get hurt! This time x, y, or z WON'T happen!" and then we violate our own boundaries because we've deluded ourselves into thinking that it's gonna be ok. Don't give reasons or justifications. Just make the rules and stick to them. No room for debate or exceptions

[@gregsthrottle]

Long time viewer/listener, but I rarely comment … let me just say this entire video contained more advice and better surrogate parenting than I’ve ever received in my entire life, collectively. Thank you so so much, friend 🙏🏼🧡

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you! Its going to be hard to top this video for you. Jack@TeamFairy

[@lolaispure4296]

Me too big time.

[@ardently750]

Limerance made things so difficult for me. Even now. I lived with that and Maladaptive daydreaming. Also irrational fear of abandonment. I will beat it. I beat it.

[@Mothirtytwo]

Hey, I was pointed to her by God , Jesus has helped me with this he can fully heal you too. Just ask ❤️

[@DesireKlingensmith]

Thanks for mentioning maladaptive daydreaming. Didn't know what it was called but I've been doing it for 20 years. 🫤 on and off as a coping mechanism I guess. Now I cam start to get help.

[@fariamahzabeen2006]

god I am in the same situation as you and shit is so hard

[@Jeanalynn-s1n]

me too

[@AM-dp9tv]

Nearly cried with Connie’s letter bc that’s exactly what I’ve struggled with the majority of my adult life, I feel like I’m not alone

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You aren't alone and we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@luisszczurek3484]

I'm a person who rarely comments on a video. I can't believe what I'm hearing. This almost feels like being unplugged from the Matrix by having a plug pulled out of your neck. This kind of awakening reminds me of learning about coming from a family of Narcissism for the first time. A co-dependent with narcissistic traits here, been hooked and crushing on unavailable wanna-be-straight guys my whole life and more often than not - being taken advantage of. My textbook covert narcissistic ex devastated me to the point that I should have been dead by now. He was all I could ever dream of and more. Dude stole my whole identity and gave me in exchange pure disgust, self-hatered and unbearable guilt that almost drove me to suicide. Absolute nightmare. A hole in a soul. A lifetime of masturbation and overeating. Swear to God I won't ever truly trust another guy right from the start. Run for the hills when you see red flags. Limerance is a very dangerous phenomenon that promises you salvation and than devastates your life until you become an emotional wreck with very high chances of leaving the planet by suicide. Drugs? Sniffing and smoking? Been there, done that. Believe me, substance addiction is nothing compared to this. These are cravings impossible to describe. People simply don't understand how addictive this is. No logical arguments will ever get to you. Your whole living becomes a means to an end with an only goal to revolve around just that - if you call that a life. Try it once and you're fucked for life. Limerance is a hell of a drug.

[@mmommo-hx4dx]

same. and beautiful. To boot, your screen name spelling is strangely similar to my maiden name.

[@Hammondchris]

Gosh I absolutely hear ya! I'm a recovering addict and right .. this is tougher and I haven't the words for how bad my other addictions were! It has literally brought me to my knees. So painful

[@jenniferboyd2200]

I get it too. Limerence can be addictive. May God bless and heal our broken hearts, friend.

[@deborahellis8644]

This is my first intro to even the word limerance. I’ve only just started to treat the state I’m in as another addiction that needs to be tackled in a similar way to others I have managed to get a reprieve from. I’ve started the gym & trying to put attention on my health.

[@paniq_fnite]

as someone who never tried anything more than weed, yet has experienced Limerence, I truly wondered the correlation between the both and if this is like breaking an addiction 🥲😞

[@Mari-lv1rd]

I have always struggled with limerance, I didn't know it's name. Thank you for this education. I'll try to defeat it and be more normal.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@tatianagiova]

Me too. Thank you

[@Mari-lv1rd]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy but now I don't trust at all, anymore. I fell really hard for someone's game and was stuck in limerance for so long ( 3 years) I became a workaholic.

[@karlasnyder9856]

Me too!!!!

[@ChellfireDrumz]

I'm really trying... steps I took were deleting the tarot reading channels and covering my clocks and avoiding clocks because of the "signs" I saught, clearly a dopamine tie there. I did deep introspection of my parental abandonment wounds and my self-makeup. I have learned a lot, more than I ever expected to know about myself. I do have love and compassion for my wounded self and pride my new-stride ,results are budding. So I have begun the unraveling process of the cold-hard wiring in the daily habits I built to try and disturbb the narrative. I allllmost came to KZbin to cave, "let myself have the thing I want, like a treat" but I'm choosing this instead. It's just been absurd how many times the numbers/timing still triggers me (magical thinkking). I cant fully block it out yet. But I'm saying affirmations like "that idea /fantasy was a long time ago now. " (it really got deep during lockdowns...and I let it persist for a few years since. The last one" lasted double the time of this "one". I really hope the work I've done works and I find some peace.

[@mercedescreates]

26:32 "This is too damaged. It's not only because he won't come back to you, it's because the good thing has been tainted by the toxic stuff, and it's so sad. But that can really happen and that's why love is so precious. That's why caring for other people is something we strive so hard to learn how to do as people with C-PTSD, because our traumatised behaviour does spoil good and precious love."

[@victoriaadams5096]

I could so relate to this limerence in my past. In recent therapy for CPTSD I learned where this comes from. When we don't have a safe loving parent, a child will create a fantasy parent. It is a useful adaptive response as it would be too terrifying for a young child to see the truth. I see that I continued this survival technique into my relationships in adulthood where I overlooked all the red flags. This ended for me when I finally had the emotional strength to see the truth about my parents. After that I was able to see the truth about various toxic friendships and old flames. I totally agree with your brutally honest approach to wake the other person up from their fantasy and remind them that this would be a terrible relationship and that others are being hurt. I agree that no contact is essential. Great advice! Thank you!

[@lamelomane1656]

How do you avoid going back to denial, or how do you get out of your trauma/abusive parents denial? I seem to rotate around denial and reality (that I was in fact abused and neglected) and I gaslighted myself into thinking I was the bad one (more like my OCD made me believe I was the abusive one, not my parents). Need help realizing how abusive they were, bbut how do you notice something that's missing (emotional neglect)? Especially because I live with them and the abuse is normal again.

[@victoriaadams5096]

One technique I used to avoid going back into denial was to write down how I was abused and neglected along with specific examples. I refer to it whenever I start doubting myself. I also wrote a list of what a healthy situation would look like as a comparison to identify what is missing. For example, healthy parents would ask how I feel, care how I feel, notice how I feel, consider my needs, seek win-win solutions, ask my opinion, consider my opinion etc. This list also helped me to focus on what I wanted in new healthy relationships going forward. We learned to gaslight ourselves to survive unbearable situations and unfortunately you are still living with them while starting to realize the truth. It will certainly become much easier once you are away from them. It is already a great accomplishment that you are starting to see the truth and watching videos like this. Self education is a great place to start. Recovery is an ongoing process and doesn't happen overnight. Patrick Teahan is another good resource with videos where he acts out role plays showing 3 versions of various situations. Version 1 shows a toxic interaction between a parent and adult child. Version 2 is the healthy version and Version 3 shows a healthy response to a toxic parent. I found these role plays very helpful and powerful particularly since I had no clue what a healthy relationship looked like growing up.

[@lamelomane1656]

@@victoriaadams5096 Thank you so so much yes it's very hard especially when the abuse is covert, or only overt in private.. I have watched Patrick before as well and he helps me discover myself more and more Thank you so much

[@lamelomane1656]

@@victoriaadams5096 Did you pick up bad habits, toxic traits "fleas" from your abusive environment?

[@victoriaadams5096]

@@lamelomane1656 Yes and no. In therapy I learned that all the things I did to survive were useful and adaptive while I was a child. I had limited options back then so the goal was to survive, get basic needs met and get out in one piece. But to continue these survival strategies as an adult is dysfunctional. And so yes I had plenty of toxic traits which no longer served me as an adult and a lot to learn about what healthy behavior looked like. But a toxic parent is for sure not going to be a reliable source to tell you what's healthy or what you should or shouldn't be doing. Their criticisms are almost always self serving in order to keep you off balance, doubting yourself and under their control. I learned nothing about healthy behavior from my parents other than as examples of what not to do. I learned everything useful from books, videos, therapists, courses, workshops, and support groups.

[@LydiaKim-e9o]

I am a serial limerance seeker. Thank you for your videos. I am very grateful for knowledge to heal from all toxic relationships

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@isabs8616]

What I find most amazing in your videos is that you know how to give very difficult truth while you are also very supportive. This absolutely great, and very rare. I learn a lot here.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you! I appreciate what you said.

[@RhondaAllott]

Oh wow yes - rarely found in counsellors!

[@Kimutube34]

I believe I am seeing this channel for a reason. There is a name for what I've been struggling with. I am not alone. There is a way out.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You certainly aren't alone and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Kimutube34]

I'm very happy for this amazing resource!

[@sswellah]

Even if he was sincere, it's a long road for someone who is that disfunctional to heal enough to become a person who would be good to be in a relationship with. Those were the words I needed to hear today. Thank you.

[@sc150000]

There is something very liberating about hearing someone so articulate and wise distill years of confusion into such a brief, succinct explanation. Outstanding work, yet again. Thank you.

[@rosemangofairy]

I am soo glad you called the writer out, how cheating with her husband was absolutely "morally wrong" and just outright "terrible". If you were my therapist I would be relieved that you're calling me out on something terrible I did, instead of treating me like a baby. Those of us who have had crappy childhood need compassion and sympathy, sure, but we also need someone to call us out when we do something shitty. If not then we can unconsciously victimise ourselves, and make our lives soo much worse.

[@argusfleibeit1165]

I just noticed the relationship of the word "limerence" to the words "limit" and "limbo". The root of the second two words means "border". I think this is where we live but really hold ourselves back from real, connected relationships that go nowhere, because they aren't really seeing the other person, or ourselves. We are "limiting" ourselves to living in "limbo".

[@kellb9283]

That’s a great way to put it.

[@Cali12-21]

Spot on. This goes back to childhood, not feeling safe and secure mentality and emotionally, especially.

[@Ishtar2419]

Thank you for that, gives it a whole different meaning❤

[@nikkimitchell5440]

Very well said

[@janeybusiness6601]

Limbic system

[@ryanyeung3843]

Stumble into your videos when I'm in a very bad place. I didn't realize how bad I am struggling with limerance. I'm miserable because I'm still living with false hopes. Now I realize I need do something. Thank you for making these videos.

[@terezamaresova8493]

It's a very difficult and self-doubting state of mind to be in, I'm so so grateful that someone is finally speaking about this side affect of childhood trauma. Bless this woman! Writing, creating, and giving it some form of output, no matter how terrible it ends up being really helped me. This poem is to everyone suffering from limerence. Lime-rence Oh the sweet escape, a perfect lullaby I won't be woken up! I'm going to fly The object of affection in a dreamy haze Their every move a wonder to gaze The world seems complete now, everything is new The perfect romantic view The painful shadows once at my hearth, are now the greyish tones in your eyes So mature, erudite, and wise You’re heavens temptation in disguise Every word, every look, every smile, fuels the flame that burns for a while A rush of emotions, a heady high Heartbeats race as you pass by But it’s an illusion, the kind that steals your soul A delusion to fulfill the hole Faces are the same, but it’s not you, whom I desire You were solely the spark that caught me on fire As it’s all coming to an end, memories of you may transcend A feeling once felt, a flame once bright That shone so fierce, it lit up the night And shattered illusions burst the seams now standing in the room full of mirrors, empty, naked, just deep nothingness dancing with my screams - Rezi Mare

[@SunnyDallasRealtor]

Wow that’s excellent. Thanks for sharing ❤

[@RUsMJ21495]

Rezi Mare, that was so beautiful. You describe so eloquently, so many feelings I have felt, when I see my LO. It's crazy how it completely takes over.. I too have discovered writing through Limerence. I find it can really help with low moments. Or even on good days, I can get lost in thinking up stuff. During a rough day recently, I was praying through the moment and somehow this came out. -I did not ask for this God, why do you will this to be so? -Losing my mind and all sense of reason, for a girl I don't even know. -Crying my eyes out, into a river of tears, is all I want to do. -All because I can't seem to talk to her ever, and see this thing through.

[@head_in_the_clouds]

Very well said!

[@cherylzellitt9098mamasmusic]

Wow

[@D_Irene]

That’s amazing and beautiful ❤

[@sooozannah33]

At 11:00 you mention how these types of relationships allow us access to a part of ourselves that we don't usually have access to - i'd love if you were able to expand more on this topic

[@lindsayobrien7950]

@@noahhh329 that’s so true🙌 often is an admiration of traits and abilities in the other

[@MzSoulll]

​@@noahhh329 I'm trying to disconnect from a dating turn limerence situation and this is perfect, thank you

[@Sheriddaan]

@@noahhh329 this was a great breakdown! Very helpful ❤

[@benavidesruiz]

@@noahhh329 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

[@77pointfive]

Dear Anna🙏🏼 i just cannot describe how much your channel is helping. I ‘ve done so much therapy the past years, done IB Psychology at school, so many somatic healings, etc. But not much help. your channel however is somehow changing me at the core. I can feel such relief! Its as if i found my own therapist finally, with your own specific approach and such calming aura that fits me. I very appreciate you doing case analyses live, as well as dissecting each point and how to take steps. This is something i dont see other therapists do on youtube. Non biased, no pushing, no agressive type of discussion. It surprises and saddens me how many people are going throufh the same exact things (i have bpd, extreme problems with love addiction , abandonment wound and limerence). I was always trying so hard for others to understand me but they couldnt. But right here, this channel , is making me so at peace. As if someone heard my prayers finally. I hope we all heal🙏🏼 happy i found you and i’ll buy your course soon! THANK YOU FROM THE DEPTH OF MY HEART💗🙏🏼

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful, it sounds like you're in the right place. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I'm sure Anna will want to read this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@cherylzellitt9098mamasmusic]

Dasha, I too have BPD and resonate with everything you conveyed. Ditto.

[@lesliedianespears1258]

How can a person qualify to become a member of Team Fairy?​@@CrappyChildhoodFairy

[@flower_7890]

I like that Anna gives us a tough love instead of feeling sorry for us, it works on me, it's like a slap in a face so we can go back to reality, see things for what they really are, it can be painful first but then something clicks and we can move on with life....anyway that's how it works on me. Her advices are wise, she's empathetic but at the same time she's not taking and BS. Thank you Anna 😊❤

[@juanderuano8969]

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her

[@juanderuano8969]

@jay pritchett wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?

[@juanderuano8969]

@jay pritchett Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.

[@BelovedofChrist581]

Please ask Jesus Christ for help. He helped me get free of so many things

[@ravenel2]

In my experience, the only thing that worked was 1) some kind of closure when you truly realize that he was beneath you, even if it takes 50 years; 2) going no contact; and 3) some kind of way to regain control over your mind, whether it’s Childhood Fairy’s system of journaling or something else. I was reading about the Silva Mind Control method and now whenever I find myself ruminating, I start counting backwards from 100 to 1 and while doing that I picture things I would like to have, like a specific new car or a vacation by a palm tree. Before you scoff, I’ve struggled with limerence all my life, and even when I was truly busy and happy with career, it only went into remission. When the guy surfaced again, it all came back, this time in the form of anger at what he did to me instead of fantasizing. Counting backwards and thinking of what I want in the future works for me.

[@Hopkins132]

Same, I'm at the anger stage and it won't go away

[@janeybusiness6601]

I love the Silva Method. My go-to when I'm overly attached--it can be anything from an outcome I've had my heart set on or another human I think I adore--is to tell myself, "If not this, then something better." I was in a relationship with a man a few years back whom I was crazy about, and he was crazy about me until he wasn't. I see now we were probably more mutual limerent objects than two people truly in the process of establishing a great partnership, but I'd never heard this word back then. A man I've known since we were kids told me during this time that "if a man wants to be with you, he will do whatever he has to, walk the 400 miles that separate you on hot coals all the way if he must." If I don't see a man doing that... He's certainly as busy as he wants to be, but more, he's not into me. There were certain ways this man was never going to be available to me, and it was a deal-breaker for me. I kept telling myself "If not this, then something better," as I was deciding whether or not to just *stop* already. The oddest thing started to happen... Unavoidable since I kept repeating it: the more I considered "if not this then something better," and the more this idea like, sunk in, the more I realized that what this man had to offer someone like me (stuff C-PTSD kids really dig, both good & bad!) & that what I had with him wasn't that "something better" anymore, the more clearly I felt this wasn't good enough. So while it was not so easy to *just stop already* it was still harder to quit smoking than to quit him. It didn't turn out to be nearly as painful as I'd thought it would be, and just like when I quit smoking, when the healing crisis had passed I started feeling better and then I was feeling really good. Since then, if I don't see a man so motivated to be with me he'd crawl through a lava forest to get into my bed just like my buddy told me he would, I'm not interested--naturally, no inner turmoil. There is no way this common BS will be anywhere near as good as the best man and best relationship I ever had, which itself was only so-so & if not that, then definitely I'll have something better, please. There's a lot of great stuff that's really freeing to be found in the Silva Method. Thanks for sharing that!

[@5gx673]

Thank you for this practical tool 👍

[@ghost_bloom]

thank you for sharing that. I'm gonna try counting 100-1

[@melissagrace740]

I just found you and I am binge listening! I am 57 and have a lifetime of emotional deregulation and dysfunctional relationshits. I have searched for solutions and even though I am still not healed totally, I feel like people like you put one more piece in my puzzle. I wish I would have had you 30 or 40 years ago! I am trusting the Most High and infinite wisdom above my limited view of life. Thank you, I am excited to start your daily work!

[@bunnyboonot4u]

This woman is absolutely amazing. Truthful and compassionate. I just found this channel today

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Welcome to the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@sushmasingh9879]

You are so sane and I love what you said about karma, how it is immoral to stick to people and situations for purely material reasons and how sad it becomes for everyone involved. Thank you for creating awareness about this

[@Sarah-gb9rf]

What time was this at?

[@davids.4431]

@@Sarah-gb9rf 14:50

[@mahiaggarwal6286]

Raise your hands who started hating their parents/family more after knowing about limerence?

[@trinitysanjose1390]

The worst part is when you’ve physically experienced that great love though and it wasn’t just in your imagination. This person broke up with me and they said they just fell out and even they had no reason, that I was a great girlfriend but something inside them changed. They’re still with me in my everyday life and I fear losing them and the limerence is strong.

[@IsitReallyrealreally]

That’s rough😢

[@STEAMLabDenver]

“Is it love or is it addiction” by Brenda Schaeffer is a really helpful book. 😊

[@sallycoyled]

I just found your channel a week ago. I immediately started writing and meditating. It’s been eye opening with a huge release of emotions. I’m listening to your videos and hope to be in a place to afford your courses some day. For now, thank you for all of this material. It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt understood. 🙏

[@hecatesnightfall9121]

The object of my limerance is turning into a serious relationship. Now I’m having doubts if I’m good enough for him because he’s so special and ethereal. Too good to be true.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

Good for you! This may be a great opportunity for healing and growth. Suggestions: 1) recruit him as an ally in your process. Have s heart-to-heart talk when you open up completely about your limerence patterns, their root causes, and the behavior patterns. Then say “What I need from you is…” - not to fix you or take away the discomfort, but to support your growth process. 2) Journal everyday, where you notice limerence behaviors and thoughts, and also genuine grounded connection and realistic love. Learn to notice the difference. 3) Maybe have a quick check-in with him every few days where you share these realizations. He doesn’t have to do anything beyond active listening. 4) Practice mindfulness everyday, both by yourself and with him. Even 60 seconds a day in mindfulness (in the moment) with him can make a big difference. 5) Use EFT to retrain your body + brain around your triggers. 6) When you feel an overwhelming urge to break up with him, DON’T ACT on that urge. Go talk it over with a counselor first. Tell him you are having these urges but you are actively processing and integrating your higher wisdom with outside help. Best wishes!

[@chriswood3736]

I really love how Anna totally calls out the hurtful narcissistic behavior

[@gregprice103]

its a comfort just having you chatting away

[@stormtrooper_]

40:35 my therapist says you can't really push yourself to not think about him because that's not how brain works. Rather you can let those thoughts just be there and they'll go on their own.

[@kaceycruz3870]

It is possible to distract yourself. Maybe an alcoholic will always think of alcohol throughout his life but as long as he doesn’t drink he’ll be fine

[@stillinhere]

I haven’t been open to looking at this specific issue until now. I needed this 30+ years ago, but it was my survival technique. It was only in the last year I began to actually look at this part of my dissociation. It hurts, but I needed this video. Thank you.

[@jasmineaebeecee1578]

Fairy, Thank You so much for your time and lessons here. Please ignore all those nasty comments about your work. You give so much to women living in their childhood nightmare. God bless you always.

[@elisif0319]

When I was younger I used to get depressed and cry for weeks when a celebrity that I fell in love with and idealized us together would get married.

[@janeybusiness6601]

Right. After encountering the word "limerence" for the first time, I eventually got onto wondering, "Well, really, how did I learn this?" I thought back to as far as I could recall and found myself reliving a time when I was an awkward adolescent being trained by the mass media to do whatever it was I was supposed to do so I had posters of hot teen idols from teeny bopper tabloid rags plastered all over my walls where I could dream about my perfect life with my favorite when I didn't feel like doing my homework or living my life. The promoters, producers, and mafia dons must sell us little chumps a fever dream about some heart throb they manufactured in order to get our panties in a bunch so we buy more records and stuff, and the chronically traumatized kids are low hanging fruit.

[@wendiid9282]

This video is the most clarifying video I've ever seen. Thank you so much.

[@Conciousnessishere]

TELL ME MAMA! YOU PUT ME IN MY PLACE! I'll let you tell me cause you're respectfully honest.

[@MaryOKC]

I had to look it up … What Is Limerence? “Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. “ I had a childhood friend with this…her dad was an alcoholic and abused her Mom and she grew to hate her dad. All the years I knew her she’d always tell me, like a child, how much she loved so and so and couldn’t live without him .. I found this very odd as an adult and now I know why. I love my friend but we are estranged.

[@mmommo-hx4dx]

story of my life, complete with the estranged girlfriend at the end.

[@Trw-ke5oo]

10 minutes in and I am crying 😢I believe my trauma runs deeper than I had thought. I think it’s the mind’s ability to stuff it down, except-subconsciously it starts to play out/ spill into deeper connections.. I have been to counseling, but never actually anything that deals with CPTSD. Any recommendations on what type of counseling or therapy when asking to seek treatment? Thanks

[@taleandclawrock2606]

Book "The Body Keeps the Score" by world leader in trauma research Dr Bessel Van der Kolk, has alot of excellent links and resources in back of book, and is a very thorough and well researched book to help you understand traumatic responses. He is a deeply kind person.

[@lollylula6399]

Pete Walker's CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving is great too.

[@janeybusiness6601]

@@taleandclawrock2606 totally agree, great understanding & explanations of what we're dealing with a long with many resources so each reader can assess his own situation and decide which of the approaches to try. I'm amazed at how common all our symptoms are so it's like some kind of a reunion around here, yet each of us is different. Definitely read this book.

[@pdlr22]

I disagree as the conclusion the book reaches is that you should repair the relationship with your parents. That advice is the opposite of what someone who has been abused with their parents should do. You should go no contact as "closure" doesn't exist in trauma bonds and is instead a way of keeping the addictive behaviour.

[@MC-8]

I really haven't watched anyone deliver such a tough, and very honest response in such a compassionate way that makes it digestible. Thank you for the work you do online

[@mariajmc6557]

The first time you explained limerence understood that so much never heard of it before and now focused on being nice to myself the best way get the best in others no day dreaming.....

[@cherbuck1525]

Interesting take on the Limerent relationship keeps us from totally "commiting" to who we're actually with. 🤔 I've done this! 😲

[@kavitachouhanvisionenvoice9063]

I’ve been there too sadly. Broke the limerence spell 3 years ago (it’s hard hard work!) & now I see the beauty in my husband ❤ Was secretly limerent for 20 years 😮

[@rrr87011]

Your channel has been such a wonderful resource in my life these days. Thank you for all of the insight,compassion, and love you're sharing with us through this information.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, thank you!

[@lisacurtis8162]

Yes, I agree. Our Fairy🧚‍♂️ is like the best friend you could ever have. I wish I actually met her, I'd ask her to sponsor me.

[@an6516]

“I cried and I felt free” until you feel bad and the limerence comes back

[@thecarrotmonster8827]

Hard to admit but I've done this and been on the receiving end. I need to not let it happen again, thank you

[@isabellacuadros2918]

Thank you. I have immense gratitude for coming across your video. The levels of healing I’ve been seeking for a long time.

[@SailorGreenTea]

20:24, jealous is fiercely protective and vigilant over people's rights and possessions.

[@mpetry912]

without going into too much detail this was exactly the talk I needed to hear. Thank you Anna

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Catherine-f8i]

What a unique and valuable voice, this cuts through so much nonsense. Thank you.

[@dawnmaestascowell6930]

Dam ! This is eye opening 😢

[@disdroid]

I used neuroplasticity entraining to erase intrusive thoughts by endless repetition of uplifting phrases, like an enchantment. I chose phrases that lifted me and made me forget about relationships. first I memorized each one, until I could call them to mind instantly. then when intrusive thoughts set in, I would repeat a particular phrase until my mind grew steady. pretty soon I could banish these thoughts just by pulling a phrase to mind - like an enchantment.

[@h3artands0uLL]

How long did it take to work?

[@disdroid]

@@h3artands0uLL after about three days after I had memorized my phrases and put them into action, I was able to maintain the constant repetition right through the down patches and began to experience some relief, like a shaft of sunlight breaking the clouds. The next day was a lot easier and I found my mind drifting back into ordinary thought patterns as I repeated my phrases, and that I was noticing things around me that improved my mood. The day after, I was able to instantly dispell the dark atmospheres simply by pulling my phrase into mind. The next day I had hardly any intrusive thoughts. So from start to end, with about three days to select and memorise the phrases, it took about nine days in total. After this the intrusive thoughts didn't bother me at all. This happened almost exactly a year ago, and I've been fine to this day. I hope that this helps.

[@disdroid]

Here's how I chose each phrase. They need to be short and easy to remember, so I went through hundreds of songs, quotes, poems, and verses of scripture, testing them out by repeating each one ten or twelve times to measure the effects. I was specifically looking for phrases that lifted my mood, and had nothing to do with relationships or romance. Because they were easy to remember, it only took a few hours each day for about three days until I had five or six committed to memory and could instantly recall them without a pause. In the evening and at bedtime I would just roll over them in my mind like piano practice.

[@lollylula6399]

Thank you for sharing this! I love writing down inspiring quotes; I have reams on post its and in notebooks. I never thought to use them in the way you describe. I have some goals I'm currently working towards, I'm going to pick some out that align with my desired feelings and outcome. Thank you! One Love.

[@disdroid]

The exact same technique was effective on my partners dementia and this started a landslide, healing her neurosis, her anxiety, and her depression. After that it was a tiny step for her to go back into therapy of her own volition, and without directly informing me verbally. It really was like a miracle. Or two miracles in tandem.

[@hollyharte7831]

How are these letters and situations so similar? Truely love your angle and straight talk in the empathic way. Beautifully balanced and understanding. Thankful for these videos, perhaps because Totally resonate and make me feel validated. I've just learnt of this limerance... wow! Feels like my soul is sighing in relief 😌 ✨️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Zdp24]

Just want to thank you for such a powerful, honest and yet empathetic talk ❤

[@northernyogi]

You are brilliant - thank you so much for sharing your work. I’ve learned so much about myself and humanity.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome! Nika@TeamFairy

[@Phoebe-cy8xc]

Really you are so spot on. So practical and real. There is proper clarity in your solutions. You are more than a fairy 🧚‍♀️ a life coach with incredible insight. May I just say that what you describe in many of your posts is not just when you have a crappy childhood it’s also if you have had a great childhood but a crappy marriage ( the ptsd) from this is very similar to a crappy childhood but you are in adulthood. Application of your advice is immensely useful for any types of trauma. Thank you so much 🙏🏼

[@cartatoblood7537]

There actually are a lot of predators in the rooms of AA as far as I’ve seen first hand. I’m a woman who spent years going to meetings until I couldn’t take fending off creeps anymore. If a man is trying to be your friend in AA I’d say don’t trust it

[@ayd324]

Thank you I’m learning so much. I love how factual and direct you are. Loving and thoughtful. I’m healing and learning so much ❤❤❤❤you are awesome !!!!

[@jeanieshank1433]

I am in Coda and S.L.A.A. I have a sponsor through S.L.A.A. and I am working the steps in each. It has been a year and a half for coda and I just started S.L.A.A. for Limerence. I just want to be free and happy. I will do whatever it takes and I’m seeing my daughters and I have a better relationship. It works. It helps.

[@mercijoli]

Thank for uploading such a long video for us. I appreciate you giving us tools for healing. I have a hard time with limerance as an adult since I experienced most of my childhood by myself while my parents worked most of the time. I had my meets met by characters in books but real world people really can’t hold a match now. I’m unsure how to create deep relationships with anybody now. Thankful to have at least 1 lifelong friend that understands me and my needs ❤ I’m only an hour into the video but felt compelled to leave a comment today.

[@TSis76]

Thank you, Anna for being so kind and compassionate with people.❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@secondwind22]

I think you are awesome Fairy 🧚‍♂️!

[@Release-the-resistance]

I wouldn’t recommend AA to anyone. Every meeting you begin my saying “hi, I’m an addict.” You are constantly reconfirming your identity as an addict. It doesn’t confront the root cause of that addiction. Addiction isn’t about the drug, it’s an avoidance of feeling whatever is coming up that is making you reach for something to avoid with. We can use anything to avoid our feelings, alcohol, other drugs, food, gambling, work, social media, TV.

[@crownedmelaninqueen]

I disagree. AA helps you understand why your life is better without drinking. You can also introduce yourself as a recovering alcoholic or grateful recovering alcoholic and addict if you are also struggling with drug addictions. Reading the book big and stories if recovery and sharing stories of recovery and understanding the 12 steps and your higher power keeps you focused on being clean. It allows your eyes to be opened to why being sober is a much better decision than drinking. Its the greatest decision for me, as I have lost my husband in divorce 2018 five children, my father, 1990 mother, 2020 grandfather,2019, children 2013, 2014, 2016,2016, grandmother 2023 24 hrs apart dog 2023, last month and this was the first time I did not choose drinking since I became an alcoholic after losing my twins and falling into post partum depression. I am so very grateful for my AA experience and its not perfect but I must stay sober and fight for clarity that sobriety gives me.

[@ooulalah4333]

The most unconditional loving relationship I've ever had was with an addict. I had to end the relationship after a few years because of the constant overwhelming stress and aggravated heart issues from worrying about his safety and welfare. He'd get extremely depressed and go missing regularly. He went to rehab many times but was unaware he had CPTSD which wasn't a "thing" back then. We both had traumatic childhoods from absent mothers and fathers who raged. Ya, he loved me dearly and completely with words and hugs that filled my soul like no one before or since.

[@jackieburns5257]

It helps to put it into perspective. I see people struggling with the death of their children , terminal cancer and it makes you think ," wow my issues are so minor" .

[@dmt7674]

Until you do this for so long and you end up missing your life out then dying of these things

[@mothmanifest]

What is huge for me is when you talk about us being narcissistic when it comes to our obsession, and not caring who gets in our way. I have done this countless times I have hurt good people because I saw them as a roadblock to the object of my desire. Also when you say that we exploit people to meet our needs which in turn is actually harmful for us.

[@raquellennan1760]

Great advice. I am trying to cultivate my life by loving myself, I'm having a moment.

[@AS-ek4ug]

My own confusing and strange behavior after a narcissistic mother, homelessness, terrible abandonment melange, limerence, etc, the one memory that always makes me cry and feel my full shame after 46 years is a kitten I was charged with at 17 working for a pet store. It was sick. I didnt know what to do but I gave it the “herbs” I was told to administer and gave it kitten milk and loved it every day but it still died. I have never been able to forgive myself for that. I have carried a strange shame over it for years. Even after many pets and broken hearts and things I regret. I never got over that kitten. I felt so helpless. No internet at that time either.

[@mystary321]

You are amazing and kind and humble I am so glad I came across your page. ❤Crystal

[@AlanCohenalco67]

You are the CRAPPIEST CHILD FAIRY I have ever met my dear,..and I love you to pieces... !! So much I glean from your guidance and life experiences..on your channel, so accessible, knowledgeable and filled with such humble, generous gold nuggets of priceless wisdom. I have been on the healing journey from CTPSD for the last 3 years and you have become the most recent and fitting missing puzzle piece, regarding BDP, NCPD and empath over senisitivity. Nothing but ceaseless blessings to you and all that you do as you contribute, share, educate and endure your own challenges while taking us with you on such a personal and intimatejourney so as to experience true freedom and discover our real selves and celebrate our lost and longing desire for happiness and no longer and hide from it any longer.. *Namaste*🙏

[@מלי-ש4ג]

I used to be like that 100% . I used to leave in a world of fantasies . I still draw in my imagenation BS stories but not about a man but about a better quality of life like leaving in a beautiful castle or a palace on some mountain and have as much privacy as I need and be with friends or some family members when I want or need Go to museums and galleries when i feel like and some more fantasies . when i feel like .Having beautiful gardens etc'... Have many Plastic operations so i will feel closer to perfection .My life in reality are very different . I don't remember ever being happy with a man so those fantasies are long gone . I have pieces of happiness that i discovered and that's it . I am also learning specific subjects that I find very interesting fullfiling & sutisfying maybe thats the greatest hapieness of all .

[@72.Destin0]

Damn, I swear your videos always come at the right time. 444 on the clock, my angel!

[@melissametzger2987]

I love this channel. You are so articulate I’m always slammed with your talent. I would love to see you running an impactful non-profit or be a School superintendent or something to give you a bigger platform. Do you have a TED talk? Do it!

[@kaeliarobinson3108]

Ok..I've listened enough... nothing more do do but hit the Subscribe button!

[@Asuram23]

Amazing. I am overly grateful I have found your channel! 🎉 I am today's years old to learn about limerence and that I am prone to it. For me, it isn't one person for years, but there's always someone. Living in the imagination of being chosen while being truly alone. I wonder now how to maneuver dating. I also had this rule of no sexual interactions until dating, but no one wanted to get to know me better (period from my 28-31yo). I got so deprived that I made a huge mistake and trusted taken guy. Now I am back with my fear of no one wanting me. I am not ugly, normal person but not too feminine. I always wonder what "is wrong with me?" I do see therapist and she is wonderful, I keep learning about myself but I would like to start seeing guys and eventually date someone. Does anyone have an idea how to do that? I do not use dating apps, since it is too overwhelming and want to meet someone in real life.

[@andrealmoseley6575]

I also have found that when I say, "I can't," or, "I can," it affects things. The more I say that I can and stop saying that I can't, the more I actually can.

[@hnanha]

i had this phenomenon too, most obviously when i started saying “i can draw stars” and i actually could, they’re not even but they look very nice i think :^>

[@susislalune]

this feels something a lot of women need to know. thanks for sharing and efforts! 🎉

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@eleanorhammond]

This video is absolutely gold. Thank you so much

[@tbrown9812]

Hello, first time commentator. Thank you so much for your channel and the work that you do around various types of trauma and your insightful advice. Your second letter really resonated with me since I am trying to heal from something with someone I knew for several years and he turned out to be anything like he presented and was only physically interested while knowing full well my feelings and even encouraged it for "good communication" according to them. I couldn't believe he would use me like that. I wish I knew so many of what you discussed growing up about my right to have good things and people in my life and how anyone who made me feel bad for wanting that was a good way to get those people out of my life rather than giving up what I want for their approval and to belong. There is someone and people out there who are capable of loving me and being a healthy part of my development and my journey to heal into a whole person who knows how to take care of myself, love and be loved as well as give back to my community. It's a reminder that we are not alone after all. Thank you for this work. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this! I'll make sure Anna reads it :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@tracyachieng8676]

So true, hope in destructive realities is part of the tragedy of having a crappy childhood..this is my worst habit from seeing my mother staying in a horrible relationship with my father

[@niziaharrison1686]

I constantly struggled with this, because my own mother used to tell me that I was ugly and stupid that stuck in my head for decades, no matter how many times she apologized

[@jodontneedtoknow9740]

Ty for sharing the stories from people's lives..it helps me so much

[@racing_girl]

I’m a victim of a limerence, but from the other side. I’m the “limerent object” for my coworker and it’s so painful and creepy, scary even. I don’t know what I can tell him for him to just leave me alone. ANYTHING I do is a secret signal of my love that can’t be cuz I’m 9 years older and part of the management (so I assume is how he explains himself this situation). I have gradually cut him off from my social media, I’m not responding or reading his DMs, but somehow he stills find a way to creep in and let me know he’s there thinking about me. I’m afraid that when I get direct and harsh with him he will hurt me. I feel like I need to write a letter to the Fairy.

[@ClementineDaydream]

ooooh please do- id be very curious to hear what she says. Your situation sounds very uncomfortable and tough to navigate.

[@FknNefFy]

58:14 i’ve been listening to you quite a bit the last couple days and I love that you actually give advice and don’t just ask questions or be vague about things. I almost always agree with what you’re saying but one thing here I’d like to point out is that I don’t think he was being manipulative because I have said this to people too. I trust people until I have a reason not to trust them sometimes that is right away sometimes that is down the line and sometimes that is never but I think the issue is she shouldn’t be putting her trust in HOPE that he will change his mind about being alone and that things might progress to dating when he very clearly said that he “doesn’t want to ruin what they have now” which is ….casual sex. And he’s happy with THAT. I agree you have to trust people until they give you a reason not to. But don’t test your trust in them with a leap of faith in something that is important to you like sex start with small stuff and give it some time.

[@briannawaldorf8485]

Loving an addict is one of the hardest thing to go through. You’re not wrong to leave him. But yes is it painful

[@mangastache]

But we don’t even know what it is, he could have just been smoking a bit of weed with no problems. Why is it so hard to love a stoner? So many people drink.

[@dem7556]

I don’t want this for myself, I don’t want to be 50 and still yearning for the love of someone who doesn’t want to be here now