Infidelity vs Sex/Love/Porn Addiction: What Partners Need to Know

You've found out about your partner's infidelity. Now what? An important "next step" is to explore whether the betrayal is part of a bigger, more serious addiction cycle. Kristin Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF is a licensed therapist and coach that specializes in helping individuals and couples in crisis after infidelity, emotional abuse, and/or uncovering addiction. Kristin goes over the signs, patterns, symptoms, and treatment options that exist if your partner is struggling with sex, love or porn addiction versus a more single-incident cheating pattern. Understanding the differences between cheating and addiction can help get you the right treatment with the right professionals and prevent you from spending months or years in couples therapy, going no where. Kristin provides some background as to why some will go outside their relationship to have an affair or cheat and the different patterns and behaviors she sees in addict behavior, such as chronic patterns of acting out, emotional dysregulation and low tolerance for uncomfortable feelings. During relationship crisis, education and support is key. You don't have to go through this alone.
(This is educational, NOT THERAPY)
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Timestamps:
2:23 the broader issues in infidelity versus addiction
4:38 important caveats to consider when assessing someone's porn/sex behaviors
6:01 defining what is healthy versus unhealthy behavior
11:36 all forms of betrayal are devastating, but its important to assess the severity and depth of the cheating behavior as the treatment is different
13:03 Explaining "single incidences" or isolated incidences of infidelity
17:50 How a couple can heal after betrayal
18:44 Signs your partner may be a sex, love or porn addict
20:17 Addiction symptoms and behaviors
22:37 What's an intimacy disorder and how is it related to addiction
24:44 Examples of sex, love, porn addiction
27:48 How to treat addiction
32:30 what to do if you or a loved one struggles with addiction
37:11 Signs your addict partner is recovering and getting better
Links to references:
Tami's Post of Options for Staying or Going: sexandrelation...
Reading List for infidelity books: www.kristinsno...
(What Makes Love Last by John Gottman, New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real, State of Affairs by Esther Perel)
Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life NOW IN AUDIOBOOK! Discounted for limited time bit.ly/LifeAnon...
Download Kristin's FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: bit.ly/Relatio... to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. It’s a small collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through the initial crisis period.
Need help and guidance now? Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin bit.ly/RRROnlin...
**Join Kristin's LIVE (zoom) WORKSHOPS for betrayed partners and beyond. New sessions posted. bit.ly/Kristins...
Meditation Made Easy with Muse! Get 20% off with code KRISTINSNOWDEN for Muse biofeedback system and app to help with consistency, motivation, tracking, & accountability. Go to choosemuse.com... (I receive a small commission)
** / kristinmsnowden for announcements and discounts
KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINARS EVERY ODD MONTH, THE SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM (pacific time) through SexandRelationshipHealing.com . Zoom link: zoom.us/j/2441...
#betrayaltraumarecovery #narcissisticabuse #couplestherapy #addictionrecovery #infidelity #emotionalabuse #healthyrelationships

[@coach_amy]

I appreciate your videos. Thank you. Lying and hiding is a deal-breaker, in and of itself. Looking outside of the relationship is one more deal-breaker. Both mean it's over.

[@anjersey-o1d]

So much contained in this webinar is me. I've lived through all of the steps as the addicted partner, and can honestly say there's hope and better days are ahead. It works if you work it, so work it because you're worth it. Thank you for sharing this for others to learn that we're not alone.

[@KristinSnowden]

Thanks you for sharing. It always helps to hear the stories of others who’ve made it to the other side.

[@cathyperry3746]

I finally left my husband a year ago after 43 years of marriage, he's basically done it all voyeurism,porn , having sex with men and women, and pretended to be Christian, he's really a broken individual, with him he had a lot of issues with his dad! And his mom babied him . He is truly a narcissist, gaslighting, silent treatments...I couldn't take it anymore, trying to find myself now!

[@anjersey-o1d]

​@@cathyperry3746so sorry to hear this. If you wud like to learn how we navigated very similar circumstances please hut me up. There's much to unpack I'm sure...you eluded to his past which absolutely has everything to do with his behavior. It doesn't make it right or easier to accept but he is broken, but he can be fixed. Good luck however you proceed. You're not alone.

[@cathyperry3746]

@@anjersey-o1d I've been seeing a therapist for a little over 2 years who specializes in narcissist abuse.

[@anjersey-o1d]

@@cathyperry3746 I'm sorry that you're having to manage through this. Only you can know what's best for your mental and physical health. Take good care of yourself.

[@edolezel87]

This video popped up right after praying for guidance with this exact issue with my spouse ❤

[@KristinSnowden]

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you don’t have to do it alone.

[@melkerner]

Would love to see a video about sexual withholding and forced celibacy within marriage. While that doesn't address the serial cheaters and dishonest people - it DOES factor into why some people cheat - they are starved at home for years or decades.

[@SoCalRegisteredNurse]

I would guess there’s an underlying cause to that. Have you talked about it or gone to therapy about it? Edit: cheating is never the answer. It’s best to leave than to cheat if that person is unhappy and the other person isn’t willing to help fix that part of the marriage.

[@KristinSnowden]

Sex starved marriage and sex addiction issues are two very separate things. They can both be experienced in a marriage. However, sex between partners (or lack thereof) is a couples issue that can be addressed in a couples setting (like therapy) but sex addiction is an addict/personal issue that needs to be addressed on an individual level (but repair from sex addiction often has to occur within a relationship as well). Hope that helps.

[@bittehiereinfugen7723]

Of course, involuntary celibacy is not nice, but there is always a good reason for it. But both partners must have the courage to talk about it honestly and trustingly. From a female perspective, I can say: for most women, sexuality works differently than it does for men, especially in long-term relationships. We don't get aroused so quickly, especially when everyday life stresses us out. Sometimes chronic illnesses or medications also play a role in us losing our libido. Or it hurts us and we want to avoid having to talk about it. Or our partner is a bad and boring sexual partner, that also exists (my husband has been addicted to porn and hookers for many years without me knowing it, sex with him had become unbearably boring because he was only focused on his orgasm and just moved around on me without really including or noticing me). But even if one partner isn't in the mood, you can still spoil the other, I think. There's also the mouth, the hands, and a lot more that you can use. But - without talking about it, the problem won't be solved. Without putting pressure, without accusations, without insults. But with sincere interest.

[@cablenetworksystems]

Serial cheater cheats, and live a normal life and expect to be accepted again. The victim has no chance to live again. No chance 😢 mark my words. You can visit therapist if you have money to waste. But what is the point?

[@Lonelioness100]

I agree. It changes you for ever and they go on, continuing their cycle and you’re left reeling…it changes you.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I'm flooded with so much knowledge education myself and it's very very hard

[@GracieDontPlayDat]

Does the dissociation/hypnotism/astral projection (or whatever it is that has them switching personalities) come before or after the behaviors?

[@andymessman8726]

We’ve been going through this in the “know” now for over a year. He isn’t in a treatment program 12 step, not active in looking for specialized in sex additional help, still most definitely blame shifting and saying I don’t care about HIS feelings. I honestly feel like he is a dry drunk. The shame!!!! It’s thick! There is NO space for my pain.. He isn’t changing. Attitude is terrible. I am soooo hurting. What do I do????

[@KristinSnowden]

I’d encourage you to keep listening to these videos and others on this topic. Go to places like my website, Wetonglen and sexandrelationshiphealing.com for free and low cost resources. Attend 12 step Alanon or Prodependence meetings. And explore how to keep you (and if you have kids) safe while your partner continues down his path

[@fruity_mango6539]

I hear you, dear sister! Same scenario here!😢 Now, it’s magically all about “his feelings/needs”, (says I am withholding “love and affection”) and how I am so awful, because after 21 years of lies and deceit… because he says he hasn’t watched corn or M since dday (feb). iiiiiif that is even the truth?! His continuing to deflect and constant blame-shifting, tell me he is not in true recovery. These past 8 months have been hell. Sadly, I don’t think he will ever grow up.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I'm education myself and it's very very hard

[@sanjeevgig8918]

The VAST MAJORITY of betrayal starts with women withholding or stopping sex. The rest of these issues just flow from that OG Betrayal: Women betraying their marriage vows.

[@shala604]

If it was just the behavior to deal with I think I'd be able to tackle it. But what can I do once the cheating has occurred and it occurred for almost a year and now there is a child involved now. I can't ask that he not see his AP because now they have to co parent and I'm required to just deal with it and get over it. More so get comfortable with her being a permanent fixture in our lives ...and I just don't feel like I can do that with any integrity still intact. Any thoughts are welcomed .

[@rottyhome]

You going to do on on financial infidelity.

[@KristinSnowden]

Do you feel like there’s different dynamics involved in financial infidelity that aren’t covered in these videos?

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I have been going through a weird season

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Some people aren't in line with me

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I use these unhealthy coping skills when l know better l seem to be little bit off

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Sometimes l engaged into behavior s and it's little bit chronic

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I numb my pain

[@KristinSnowden]

Maybe you’d benefit from exploring a 12 step group? AA? LAA? SLAA? NA? There are nearly 100 different 12 step meetings to choose from.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I'm in my single season l do get way too lonely

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

That false self

[@melissamccollum9594]

.

[@paulshields1883]

Lost me in the first four minutes, with porn being framed as crisis level betrayal

[@KristinSnowden]

Ironically, around 4:40 I start talking about how “not everyone who views pornography is an addict” or has a serious problem and I list further questions to be considered when assessing pornography’s role in someone’s life or relationship.