Ways To Help A Family Member Who Hoards

[@Keith-n7l]

It took years for me to realize that my hoarding problem was borne out of loneliness and insecurity - both emotional and financial. Challenging the hoarding behavior is attempting to deal with the symptom - not the cause. It was gratifying to see the councellor sitting patiently, yet assertively with the sufferer, helping to lead her out of the dark forest that is hoarding. Please be patient, and don't attempt to force your own values onto a person with a mental blockage. - In my country we have a voluntary organisation which sends vans onto the streets equipped with washing machines. The drivers wash the clothes of people sleeping rough. While the clothes are washing and drying, the volunteer converses with, and listens to their street friend. It's an inclusive concept, and does a lot of good - for all involved.

[@jamesspalten5977]

What country is that?

[@jbaby362]

​@@jamesspalten5977 she might be Australian, but there are orgs doing this in the U.S and Canada as well

[@robertbarney8635]

The hoarders I've encountered never have any time when they want to reasonably discuss it.

[@janedoh1648]

Every time I’ve tried my dad becomes irate. I finally give up

[@AuroraFinesse-is9vg]

Robert: Very true. They do not wish to accept the truth. They are blind to it. Denial. Th, 03/04/2021

[@amara560]

The power of denial is strong.

[@theropesofrenovation9352]

Exactly!!!!!

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

We know don't think we want this life, we don't it's debilitating noone understands unless they've been there themselves

[@Fno89]

It hurts those who are around! Growing up with hoarding people affected me so much that I cannot stand see anything unorganized!

[@taylorfalgout8901]

Afnan Omar same dude clutter gives me so much stress

[@estherwambui1072]

I hate clutter so much. I recently Got married. Everything makes me angry. The house i have emptied but the basement and office is full of clutter. I wish our house could catch fire so we can get rid of everything.

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

@@estherwambui1072 OMG. I don't feel bad now because I have felt this exact same way!

[@denisesavannah2023]

I am a clean freak bothers me to see anything messy

[@subhn5466]

Same .. my dad just keeps newspaper filled in big bags and it has occupied half of our house .. It's so painful

[@nobleactual7693]

Obviously late, but my mom is a hoarder, and this entire video completely resonated with me. We have a garage that we have been using as a storage facility/junkyard for the last 20 years. This meant that my parents would have to look for parking spots on the streets, and of course, it would not always be so easy. We would be reluctant to use our car at night, as that meant we would lose our parking spot and it would be incredibly incredibly difficult to find another. I didn't much care about the state of the garage until I got my driver's license and started driving my car. One night, I drove home at night, with my mom as passenger, and after dropping her off, went around in circles to find a parking spot. I spent more than 30 minutes looking for a spot! This made my blood boil, given that we could have an available parking spot 24/7. My mom said I couldn't do it on my own, as I "might throw out something important." I would schedule a time/day with her, and when it would come, she would tell me that she is busy, and not to bother her, and that she would do it herself, and on and on it went in circles. I then surreptitiously started to throw things out on my own, and was effectively doing so, until she finally took notice. At that point, she was in agreement with what I was doing and more-or-less relented, but she was still constantly arguing with me at every possible step, as I had to threw out hoarded material in our basement in order to clear out some stuff from the garage. Well, after 3 months of throwing away, selling, and relocating a bunch of unneeded things, I finally cleaned it out, and now have a permanent parking spot. I may have heard some fleeting compliments from her, but not once did I hear that she was wrong to hinder me in such a fashion. And to add all this, due to recent garbage, my sister moved in with her 3 kids, and slowly brought in 5 dogs that her BIL bought, in order to resell in his kennel (guess how that worked out). We already had 2 cats. My sister took advantage of my mom's hoarding illness, and my mom not only let them in, but also began to view those dogs as "hers," and would never part with them, even though they are untrained and do not legally belong to her. The dogs urinate and defecate wherever they please, and they house reaks. This has led to countless anger and frustration, as was said in the video. There is hoarded material throughout the house, and my mom will never admit it, and nor will she stop. The sad reality is that she will not change, and all that is occurring is that I am wasting mental energy on it.

[@divinecockatrice2162]

Wow thanks for sharing I feel a lot less alone knowing my mom is just one of many that is hurting others

[@jbaby362]

Oh man, I'm so sorry you're going through this, hopefully you will be able to move out of that situation

[@maxmiliancady8174]

So true. But hoarders always reason their behavior by saying: I can not throw it away because I gonna need it in future, or it gonna come in handy some time, of course it will never do. Hoarding disorder is much like an addiction. I think that without psychological treatment hoarders can not realize their behavior.

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

Oh no I know it's a problem but like any mental disorder... you can't control it.

[@MadisonEstes]

It's definitely an addiction. I live with one. She watches shows about shopping and deals at Costco and Sam's while she has two bedrooms so full of stuff you can barely walk in them, five closets stuffed with boxes and clutter, and a garage filled with things to the point you can't walk in it. She also won't throw out broken coffee makers because "I might be able to fix it and use it someday". It's broken and she already replaced it but she can't get rid of it because of her illness. And she can't stop bringing things in because of her addiction. It's really sad. I want her to get therapy for hoarding but she compares herself to the most extreme hoarders she can find and says she isn't "that" bad so it's not a problem. It's so frustrating and I see the same lack of accountability and inability to change that I have seen in other types of addicts.

[@---wu3qj]

The hoarders I know don’t think they even have a problem!

[@lv2keepfit493]

I need to fix my issue, I realize I have a problem with tools over the years. But I'm selling off much of my items and when I do I certainly don't miss it, not even for a day. So I know what I have to do and keep plugging away towards my goal which is minimalism which hopefully one day it'll happen.

[@cindyc.1572]

I waited years for my husband to take care of the hoarding piles and piles of stuff. So I was forced to take it into my own hands. I cleaned it up, and I keep things cleaned up every single day. If it puts him into a rage, oh well. I love him dearly but I would rather he stayed mad at me or even move out before I will let him destroy my home. It’s all I have.

[@marciasloan534]

Im a collector. I agree

[@Widdekuu91]

Therapy.

[@lmor7110]

Amen sister!

[@I-hate-youtube797]

Me and my grandma are at the same point with my hoarding grandfather. We are having his sister take him out of town for the day and are gonna go through as much as we can and throw out junk. There’s so much one day isn’t enough but it’ll at least help us get started. I’m sure he’ll lose it but it’s either that or my grandma is divorcing him and we are leaving

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

Good for you! Stay strong.

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

My husband has hoarded for YEARS. More fights than I can count. Our son's childhood was ruined in my opinion by it. I have moved out of our room and claimed my office as off limits to his mess. I love him but, I refuse to live like this anymore. It's time to live outside my home as much as possible.When our son goes off to college, I have to seriously think if I should still stay here. Both of us have had to be treated for numerous allergies and use inhalers. Coddling someone like like does Not work. I have winnowed down my possesions until there will only be enough for a studio. Meanwhile the husbands hoard just keeps growing. I am seriously losing hope.

[@hidden7195]

Me too.

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

He needs support to understand how it hurting everyone and therapy 💔 I'm sorry u struggle with it

[@distaff2935]

@@apotheticallyautistic73 In my experience, the hoarder doesn't see it that way - at all.

[@cindyhammack68]

OMG. They either have no understanding or don't care how negatively impactful it is to those that live with them. I'm about ready to give the ultimatum: it's either me or the junk.

[@cindyhammack68]

​@@apotheticallyautistic73he knows! They all know. At what point does my comfort in my own home trump the incessant need to keep what is ultimately trash?

[@kengriffith1873]

I tried this with my grandmother it didn’t work. I tried kindly for 2 years. Finally I went in guns blazing and did what needed to be done. She was very upset for about 2 weeks but after that she was fine and actually was thankful. Not advising for anyone to do what I did. She has not gone back to hoarding since.

[@rebekahtoepperwein4502]

May I ask how long ago this clean out was?

[@magnificentpup2875]

How did she not go back? How did she get to that point? Everyone else here said the person would mess up the house again each time after multiple cleanups done by other people

[@goldmine465]

If you wait for the hoarder to decide to get rid of things you will be waiting for ever.

[@liveyea]

Gold Mine True

[@gasdorficmuncher9943]

hording family member wants me to sell my home and move in with them but i am not use to this lazy behavor ....i tryed to help them they stay neat for few weeks then they slack off ?

[@masterkixana6852]

Example: 14 years...

[@me-xx2gl]

Don't move in. It won't help them and it will drive you nuts.

[@MOONCAT666]

Exactly. This man in my opinion has not dealt with a family member with this issue. My dad has had this problem for over half my life and he will yell at me for even trying to convince him to bin scraps of twine or clean anything at all. I am at my wits end. He is so nasty with me and says I can't tell him what to do but his problem is so bad I feel I have a right to intervene as im the only one who will be left with this huge mess when he dies.

[@kathleenr8839]

I just try not to think about it, But after years of my life and shame and embarrassment from living in a hoarder house and translating those feelings to myself like I’m another piece of the junk in the house, I am 31 and I never had any sense of worth or self esteem and am so ashamed of where I grew up . I ended up dating bad guys partly due to that because I knew nobody good would want me, another piece of junk. I’m so longing to be like my friends who can go visit their parents when they need comfort, or stay at their house or trust their children to stay for a night. We had a 7.2 earthquake a few years ago and it wrecked our house for a couple days, and in the town over where my mother lives not a single thing fell in her home. I wanted to scream!!! I wished something bad could happen (with her NOT there of course) just so she could see the severity of the situation because it’s only fights between us otherwise. I hate how she makes no real inviting space for us in her home, just clears out a hole in the middle of the junk for me and her grandchildren to visit and play with a bunch of old toys from back when I was a kid. She thinks it is just some silly thing to be dealt with later but if she died tomorrow it would be a nightmare for us, let alone losing a family member we would all be devastated yet have so much stress on top of it because of the GIANT MESS!!! And I know that one day she will die and I will be left with the huge giant awful mess, and she doesn’t even seem to care. Just in denial saying for 20 years “one day I’ll do this and that” but they never do anything but pile up more junk. It makes me more depressed than anything to think of it. Until you experience it firsthand you cannot understand the heavy burden it puts on a child of a hoarder. Since I finally became an adult and was able to process the situation since moving out, I have always understood that she does it because of the fear of losing, and the feeling of being unloved and not feeling cared about too much by her own parents. I have watched it get worse as other family members have passed or loved and she takes as much of their things as she can. So much old furniture and tools and Knick knacks and broken things she thinks she will fix but never has and never will. With the recent economic crises she has begun hoarding food at an even more extreme level that I never thought was possible. I’ve never seen so much food (expired past 15 years canned foods AND new Costco and other bulk hauls) in one single house, Yet she says there is never anything to eat when we come over. Sometimes she will slice some cheese or cut up some carrots. But any time she comes to my house I tidy up and make sure there is a fresh meal prepared. She does not allow anyone to see inside her house except for my sister and I, and I am afraid she has lost any chances for meaningful relationships because of it. I feel she is always wanting my affection but I could never feel love for her anymore after the many times we’ve argued about all the stuff and I finally opened up to her and told her the trauma it caused me as a kid and yet she pretends there is no real problem and does not care to change anything for me. My husband always says “let’s go in when she’s not home and just throw away everything” but I have told him he’s thinking about it all wrong; I know how traumatized SHE would be if we did that to her, I don’t think she would ever trust us again. It is truly an addiction and mental illness and I am so fed up with it. I recognize how harsh I sound with all of this but I hope someone else can read this and not feel alone or evil because I know they have had these thoughts too. I want to help her. I want to love her. I want her to live in a clean beautiful enjoyable home for the rest of her days and yes, I would love if she felt prepared for the worst and had a storage of good things, organized and ready. I have told her this. But she is in denial and I’m afraid it seems there is nothing I can do.

[@catpaterson159]

Same Age same situation,, thanks 💞

[@conniegood-ferrell4227]

My heart goes out to you. My dearest friend for thirty years gradually has become a severe hoarder. I watched her children growing up as she got worse and I see their terrible pain now. My friend was told to leave her rent house over a year ago. She has been trying to move and is exhausted having made no progress. She has fallen twice and the house itself is a dangerous place. She is 72. She has been good to me in this life I wish so much I could help. I’ve tried all the methods discussed here and feel so helpless. I will go on loving her as that is all I can do.

[@dontran391]

Hard to talk about it to a loved one who suffers from hoarding disorder is that they get offended and may lashing out with verbal tantrums...

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

I suppose because if I try to put it in perspective because I'm someone who has hoarding disorder it's kind of like telling someone with depression just a perk up and everything will be fine it's much more complex than that

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

I hope that helps x

[@magnificentpup2875]

@@apotheticallyautistic73 what would you suggest doing when talking to them then? And how did you come to accept the fact that you have hoarding disorder?

[@cindyhammack68]

I don't accept that response. If a behavior is so negatively impacting a relationship you want to keep, you change it. I am so tired of pussy-footing around and trying to be supportive. Who's supporting me with the depression it causes from having to live with it?

[@PhillipMelanchthon]

@@cindyhammack68 Exactly right, Cindy. If I had a relative with a substance use disorder, people would talk about setting firm boundaries, and harm reduction, and not enabling destructive behaviors. But somehow with hoarding, none of those approaches apply.

[@cienmcqueen2999]

I have a family member that hoards. Over several years, my family has come together to clean the entire place with the hoarder. We did this 6 times but nothing has changed. Family decided to stop helping, you can only lead a horse to water. The hoard is so large, it has expanded into the yard, a car, and several storage units. I'm scared of the hoarding because that person has 2 children, I am fearful that if a social worker went to the house, the children would be taken away. The hoarder knows this but instead of fixing the problem, they would rather hide it.

[@algolpoo6313]

Catherine Nelson I complety understand, my mother is a hoarder and it's exactly the same story. I've tried so many times to help her at least to organize but she is always defensive and we end up fighting. She hasn't change, she keeps inhabilitating rooms and bathrooms. I don't know how to help her, I feel this is affecting me now fiscally and psychologically. I have moved because I married last year, but every time I visit my parents I'm afraid of how I will find the place they live in, since I'm not there to keep the place able to live in. I feel so sad and frustrated about it. I don't want her to be living like that, I see how she is depressed and how she has slowly stop caring about her in all senses, even her health. We need help!

[@gasdorficmuncher9943]

ya the problem is massive ..sheer amounts of unorganized paper work that should be in a file box ? why or why does this person surf the internet all day and not do cleaning? i am sick of hearing they need help ...i cant help this brain disorder ?

[@Lookatmeshine]

@@gasdorficmuncher9943 I can explain why they do that. Basically the parts of the brain that are used for decision-making are different in hoaders. Their brains are less responsive to things that need doing (aka they won't see it as a problem in the way you do) and at the same time when they actually try to make decisions about their items that part of the brain goes into overdrive leading the person to feel incredibly overwhelmed. Part of treatment is helping them cope with that overwhelm and develop the skills to make decisions more comfortably in future. You're right about it being about brain differences. They are not beyond help. But helping a brain to restructure itself takes time. Think of it like healing a broken bone. You wouldn't expect them to walk unaided immediately.

[@legolover6619]

@Hank Friggin Scorpio these people who hoard should not get into relationships until they fix their problem

[@AuroraFinesse-is9vg]

@@algolpoo6313 It is a mental illness, and they seem to be happy to be that way. It is very sad. Th, 03/04/2021

[@sanniepstein4835]

One hoarder that I know will anthropomorphize the possessions, so that he feels too guilty to throw them out: he would be abandoning them like discarded pets. I told him that a certain failing appliance wanted to quit, wanted to get out, and it actually worked.

[@Chelz15]

I have done everything for years, in all ways possible, to talk sense to the hoarder. I have just given up and accepted that it's an identity battle, not just a deranged habit of hoarding, within the hoarder. This, however distressing, taught me how to be extremely organized and tidy, and be radically loose with material items, like letting go of things when it's time to.

[@kathym6603]

I like your lesson here!!

[@ReigningWomban]

I do the same thing. I’ve even started Swedish death cleaning.

[@ThePsyndicate]

Yes!! They fill it right back up again no matter what. It's like they need to fill a space, a void.

[@AnneMelb2010]

Exactly! I live with a hoarder and it is very sad. No matter what they will fill up the cleaned up area. It's frustrating and heartbreaking for me to constantly experience.

[@BunnaySango]

My husband puts too much emotional value on even useless items, as a result when I even try to clear out my OWN posessions it can cause him upset. It is a constant battle to even get him to remove just one box from our home. I do my best to be understanding but when I want to clear out my own items like clothes I feel resentful that I am guilt tripped for it ie: "I bought that out of love for you!!" When I say we have no space he suggests that "we will get a bigger house in future", but I dont feel that solving any of his emotional attachment problems just creating more space to hoard. If I buy clothes for him he will wear them to threads and still refuse to throw them out, even as I tell him to do so. He seems to equate throwing out items with rejection in some way.

[@Lookatmeshine]

Hoarders brains literally see items as an extension of the self. So it likely to him feels like discarding a part of himself. As he stated to you he equates items with love, he may see your actions as throwing away his love. I definitely understand your distress. I really hope your situation has improved since you wrote this.

[@cindyc.1572]

BunnaySango I’m in the same boat. I can’t even get rid of my old clothes and shoes because he freaks out. I take my unwanted stuff to the Goodwill when he’s at work. Life is high maintenance with a hoarder 😡

[@charissamurray7359]

Bigger house = more space to hoard.

[@jojorox7493]

Hoarders are not mentally stable enough to make decisions for themselves. They need to be committed for treatment before something bad happens. It isn't a matter of if but a matter of when.

[@alexanderplatzberlin3940]

This is excellent information - very balanced and differenciated. Thanks a lot!

[@MOONCAT666]

My dad has had this problem for over half my life, I can't wait forever!! I tried my best again yesterday for 6 hours to try and clear with him but he would yell over me trying to bin scraps of twine, pebbles, and useless, ancient tatty books/magazines. He was only willing to let go of plastic bottles and other food packets littered about. He is so furious with my help I was worried his neighbours would phone police for all the yelling for hours. The hygiene is non existent, he dosent shower, have any bedding, toilet completely soiled as are all sinks and surfaces completely sludge engrained. He cannot be reasoned with on any of the hoarding or hygiene issues. I am so depressed as it is and this problem gets me more down. My dad has no life at all, he's wasted most of it and I fear he will die alone in his squalor. I don't know what to do.

[@7_aldc_donuts492]

I know you made this comment many months ago but your feelings about this moved me to reply even though it may not be relevant to you anymore. My mother was (still is) an extreme hoarder (she has 3 households worth of stuff and is busy filling a 4th in addition to having distributed more stuff to many many other folks around the place. I'll also speak from the space of having been a hoarder myself til I was about 30 While you see worthless things and yes, they are worthless sometimes even dangerous- my mother has splintered wood with rusty nails in them, shards of broken glass and live electrical timebombs - they see the value of these things quite differently. I used to as well. While you see a broken, musty 40 year old mouldy purse, I see myself as being obedient to my mother, trying not to hurt her and a small child's wish to communicate with her anyway I could. While you see a pile of broken, miswired toasters and kettles, my mother sees a thin string attaching to a life jacket that keeps her connected to HER mother. I try and explain it like this: you may have a shoebox filled with mementoes. One might be a seashell from a treasured visit to the ocean or a movie ticket from your first date with someone you loved or a letter from a dear relative who has since passed away. Then someone comes in and opens your shoebox and says 'Why would you keep an old shell in here? It smells bad! And this little stub of paper with a number on it? useless! And this piece of torn paper with scribble on it - why would anyone bother keeping that? Throw it away. You're ridiculous for keeping it." I hope you can see that it is not at all about the thing itself; it is about the feelings that thing provokes. For you looking in at the twine, pebbles and old magazines you see nothing of worth but for the hoarder, those things represent something. And they feel judged, dismissed and misunderstood because they are being judged, dismissed and misunderstood. And please don't think I am defending it - the hoarding in my house growing up alienated and disgusted me. And being forced to hoard myself and to spill my mother's clutter over to many many friends still angers and upsets me 30 years on - I just want to explain that attaching your own value system to the things will prevent you from seeing the problem for what it really is. And what it is, is a way of keeping connection to something important (often a detached/abusive parent) and to keep others at bay. Yes, sadly that usually includes their own children. It is too anxiety provoking to risk bonding with people, so they bond with stuff and become addicted to the power of acquiring and keeping stuff, often in place of acquiring and keeping their own parent's love. It was only by my acknowledging that my parent didn't love me that I was able to let go of my hoard. Most hoarders will never get to this stage.

[@inglese2996]

@@7_aldc_donuts492 Hey, guys, you're not alone. My Dad's a hoarder, we've been arguing for 20+ years, and unfortunately it's dominated our family life. Growing up him and my Mum argued constantly. All of the hallmarks are there. He has more of the passive acquisition trait, but he will pull things out of skips etc. But anything that comes in doesn't go out. Every take-away box and glass jar is kept as they are "useful containers". He somehow things he can organise his life with them. He has about 6 garages, and 5 cars, all of them a total mess. House is disgusting, piled high with sh*t, newspapers, magazines, letters all over the place. One day, it will be my job to clear and sort everything, it will take months. It's impossible to reason with him, every time I visit the house is worse, and we end up arguing. He has never considered that he has a problem - he has a playbook of reasons why the house is as it is, typically 1) the house isn't big enough 2) everyone is against him and he has to do everything himself 3) me and my brother spent too much time playing computer games and watching tv when we were young. In his mind, these ARE the reasons why the house is complete carnage. Deep down, I think he knows he has a problem, but is ultra defensive and aggressive. He's like a ball of frustration and anger, and it's getting worse with time. Hope you're finding a way through it, its devastating.

[@Shiryone]

If they can identify the trigger point, when did it begin and why, that could be the starting point of admitting the problem, and the healing process can begin. Years or even a lifetime of hoarding, will take months and even years to undo those mental connections and make new ones in the brain vortex. The mental and emotional proble, truly does become a physical ailment. So sad.

[@leonormigueis2431]

When the answer is "you can throw everything away when I die." Nothing works unfortunately.

[@Oouther1]

I gave my wife a dead line to clean-up her hoarding. She passed that dead line and went to visit her grandmother out of state for a few weeks during the Christmas holidays. I rented a storage unit and cleaned-out a bedroom that was only accessible by going two steps and getting onto the queen sized bed while using it to get around the room. After cleaning it out, I had only one box on the floor and the full center of the closet was open for clothes, etc. She has since moved into the room and in only a few months there is now a path around the bed with things stacked approximately 4' high again, the closet full and now non-accessible. She was supposed to have went through the storage to decide what to do with these things within a couple of weeks after returning from out of state...has not even been touched once (over six months now). She is diabetic, but does not work and has lots of free time. She also does little to no house work. I have seen her go for 4 months without washing dishes. She told me at least three different times she was going to do dishes so I let them build. She arranged them a few times like she was going to and just let them sit for over 3 weeks. She would hide purchases, spend money, driving up ridiculous credit card bills. I am an easy going guy, too easy it appears. There is going to be war.

[@msbutterfly714]

Shew dog, I would be done as in WELL done as in O U T. Sorry but I can relate, the credit card is a HUGE no no. She would so not be allowed to have one. My mom hers is gone, and after paying off 10K too. Its rediculous. My health and sanity mater to me and I am not going to subject myself and my life (however long that may be cause we never know) to that. DONE!!

[@liveyea]

How’s the situation today ? I used to hoard when I was younger but decided one day I wanna a change and since able to decluttered and organized . It’s just a flip of the switch in the brain.

[@Lululila67]

yep, living with 2 people here similar situations. You can keep cleaning and cleaning and they just keep doing it. They need therapy but most of the time will not do it. Its frustrating so I feel you!

[@bigdaddysugarcane2894]

You need a new wife then

[@Oouther1]

Wai Kay Au , she passed from the diabetes at age 35. She refused to take responsibility for anything. My daughter and I are now living a very comfortable life.

[@jettycomlego]

These comments are all very upsetting. I hope everyone here gets through it. I want to say something that not everyone might agree with but it might help some people. At the end of the day, you have to make sure you are okay. Dont sacrifice your own life. Do everything you can to work your ass off, save as much money as you can, be disciplined and get the hell out. It is liberating. When you are financially stable it will save you.

[@Dmidnightmachine]

The problem is they have lost all sense of reason, so no matter how calm and reasonable you are they most often get angry, dismissive, and don't want to talk about it. They just go back to their lair of possessions.

[@jeffpedler6094]

Talking does nothing, they either just ignore you or can't admit they have a problem.

[@erikrichardgregory]

Yep, this advice to “sit down and be reasonable” doesn’t achieve anything. None of the three major bits of advice help in the slightest degree (in my experience). Must continue to look for better advice :)

[@grizzlybear4]

"Sit down and talk with them..." means running into their leghold trap of reasons and reasons and reasons why nothing can change. And endless procrastination while they agree to a *partial* suggestion-- then put ot off *forever*. Meanwhile, sit back and listen to the 10,000 mice chewing on everything.

[@Jenny-nz8fb]

😂 so true 😂 It’s so frustrating 🤬

[@gk-mt3vy]

As I understand this - it's the deep fear of Loosing something/(someone ?) And sometimes it doesn't has to be the own fear. It might be carried over from the ancestors. The grandkid generation of those who experienced a war. If you take away some stuff it really hurts. And even if I throw away something by own choice I miss it later. Sometimes even after a looong time. And I remember every single piece.... So exhausting

[@susannaseay4799]

My sister in law died in her hoarder home recently. We had no idea how bad it had gotten. It had been 8 years since we had been inside her home. So sad that she lived like that her last years.

[@DesmoProfundis]

This is a problem that I don't think you can understand unless you live with it. There is no just "talking" to this person. Been there, done that. This is how husbands get a reputation for being "controlling." Something bothers them about their spouse, they express their concern, and "You don't love me for who I am," comes straight out to be followed with everything I've done wrong since before I was born, as well as tears and an Oscar for best dramatic performance. Of course, that's followed by a week of cold shoulder, and then eventually, when she has sufficiently swept her disdain for me under the carpet, things return to the new normal of even more clutter. Look, I'm not saying I don't have issues of my own. I'm retired military and a narcotic clean freak, but when I have one corner of one closet and she has the whole rest of the house packed to the gills with crapola? I think I'm justified in being upset. Upset or not, you try talking her. She'll cut you down, physiology degree and all, until you're just wishing you had kept your fool mouth shut.

[@uselesscause3178]

It is all about them. Their stress. We need more videos about the stress for family members caused by the hoard. It certainly has a controlling factor involved. If you complain, drama ensues. If you don't complain, people say, you need to communicate and let people know how you feel. No matter what, those things, those items, those material goods are put ahead of actual people. Unless you die, then they hoard your stuff.

[@cindyhammack68]

I am so with you. The only thing I do in the master bedroom is sleep. I have to use my office (I work from home) as my "dressing room" and use the second bathroom for showers and what-not. My question to all these boo-hooers is why does her hoarding problem trump my peace of mind? Why do I have to continue - after 11 years - to try to "talk" to her about it. It does absolutely no good.

[@lmor7110]

As challenging as it may be, you would need to gently call “bullshit” to every manipulative manoeuvre, and reclaim half the house space for your stuff.

[@cchemmes-seeseeart3948]

I heard a great reason to get rid of things, on the Oprah show, with Peter Walsh. Do not focus on the stuff. Focus on the way you want your living space to be, how you want it to function, to operate. It can help to empty everything out of a room; set up the room the way you want it to look & operate. Then, you are forced to consider all the stuff that had been in there, & if you really want it in your way, causing trouble. Marie Kondo's book is also good, to learn to recognize what you truly love.... to get rid of things attached to bad memories, etc. Do not keep it because it might be useful; but only the very select things you actually treasure. If you have a few things, then you can enjoy them. If you have too much clutter, it just all looks like a mess & is an uncomfortable living space that doesn't function well & is difficult to care for.

[@brycefujimoto8023]

I really liked hearing that the root cause of hoarding is to challenge yourself.

[@m.pixley8413]

Unfortunately the hoarder I lived with wanted to track me all the time and make sure I didn't touch anything that he placed all around our home. Eventually I needed a divorce due to this and other controlling behaviors he exhibited . He was very controlling to the point where I could even get dressed and get to work on time!

[@IsAbElmiaumiau]

My dad hoards a lot, and everytime I try to throw something he tells me not to so it stays there. Everytime I try to touch the subject he avoids it.

[@Oouther1]

I've had my wife put down a glass, it sit there for three days and I go to wash it....explosive behavior.

[@gasdorficmuncher9943]

@Kev Cyberpunk these massive piles by thier favorate chair ...call them nesting useless junk ...if removed it they would make new pile within a week

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

It's so hard to understand I get that please be patient with him and pressuring him won't help xx

[@magnificentpup2875]

@@apotheticallyautistic73 what should we do besides pressuring him?

[@cathygoltsoff9615]

I have a friend who hoards and she will actually complain about her living conditions. She can not have plumbers or electrical repairs as her house smells so bad. She blames others for her situation as she never took reign of her finances as her mother commingled her personal inheritance over the period of decades while she passively did nothing. She blames and complains. Her ideal situation she would like to move into a new home and still keep y to he old one but now she is on a limited budget. I suspect that if she were to move she would soon again be living in unsanitary conditions. This is so sad.

[@msbutterfly714]

My mom (hoarder) is not going to go to therapy I can tell you that right now, and I have read books on understanding why they do the things they do and this guy here is great too, BUT, we go through stuff together and sometimes we get rid of stuff and sometimes we dont. I am now to the point where what I do is I take a bit out and bring another bag of stuff and replace it in the hole I just made, this way the clutter is still there but it will dwindle down after time. I could care less if it upsets them, I love my mom but its so time, after 20+ years sorry charlie its time to go. She is 80 and all three of us kids it would take 6 months plus IF we so choose to go through it all, personally I would be like my dad, get a dumpster and get it O U T!! Done arguing about junk.

[@JohnJohn-tp3wc]

It's bsd.my.mom hoarding dad too now me.fuck me

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

I Tried that. He flipped and made me cancel the dumpster. The cancellation cost a small fortune:/ The house looks worse than ever. You just have to find a way to keep your sanity and a clean space of your own in the mess.

[@theropesofrenovation9352]

I understand completely!!!!!

[@SonicDeeHedgehog]

My husband is a hoarder. I was awakened last night to one of his stacks of crap crashing down. So I got very little sleep last night and now I'm at work dead tired. And dead tired of his hoarding. I've tried talking to him about getting some help. That's a no. He's agreed to move his things into a storage unit but there's just so much. And he's buying things faster than he's taking out. It just makes no sense to me why you'd buy all this shit just to put it in storage. It's to the point where I don't know how much more of it I can take before I have to leave. My home looks like shit because of all his shit. I'm so embarrassed to come home every day and there's a pile of boxes that got delivered outside the door. I can only imagine what the mail man and the neighbors think. I fucking hate my home.

[@jaut4057]

can someone help with advice? My mother in law likes to keep (on top of other JUNK) big home items from passed family members such as bed frames, armoires, dressers etc. although the members passed, to me and the rest of the family these items she hoards does not categorize as heirlooms. she thinks that whenever someone passes she needs to keep ALL of their stuff.

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

I feel for you. I am VERY resentful that I had to toss most of MY things because there is only so much room in our home and HE has commandeered most available space!

[@trollolololololzzz]

jaut 40 I’m in the exact same boat

[@DesmoProfundis]

To start with, I think the people reading your comment are with you and are here similarly looking for help, so... believe me, I feel your pain. Secondly, maybe she isn't familiar with, or isn't comfortable using sites like Offer Up, Craigslist, and Etsy. Possibly showing her how you were successful selling some of your items on these sites would inspire her to try it or have you sell a few things for her. Warning: This tactic has not worked in my own situation, but, hey... maybe it will work for you. Since I'm living here surrounded by "stuff" I can't offer any more help than that, but if you do find something that works, please share it because I'm drowning here.

[@sua-liz1013]

hey! Welcome to the club , unfortunately they suffer from a serious depression and insecurity of themselves, they are mature people with different ideas and they went through severe scarcity during life , it’s very stressful but at the same time you can feel their need for attention, love and care, My mother-in-law is a mature person and like I’m your situation it gets out of control

[@kj7653]

2 ideas: 1. Show her other ways to remember her loved ones who have passed. A beautiful picture of them, a book about their life, a family ancestry chart, old love letters, one piece of needlework, etc. Ask them what ONE small item reminds them of their loved one. Make it something sentimental, not an impersonal piece of wooden furniture. 2. Who do they know who would benefit from a dresser or a headboard? When my grandmother died, all the grandkids going off to college got the every day items to use up. Share the wealth. Teach them to be kind to others. We finally got my mother to open up and eliminate things when we reinforced the idea that some would benefit from her generosity. (We never let her know that Goodwill probably threw half of it away. We just emphasized that someone would love her purple jumpsuit just like she did 50 lbs ago.) She needed to feel special and like she was contributing. As long as she felt like it was going to a good home, she was ok with it. NEVER betray that trust.

[@darkmage907]

I’ve been dealing with this problem since I was a kid. My aunt is a hoarder. She has gotten better over the years but she is a major hoarder! It all started with the last 16 years of my life. My aunt was diagnosed as a hoarder and she was a level 3 one. She at the time was living with my mom, my cousin, and I. The apartment was pilled up like nowhere to walk bad. My room wasn’t so bad or my cousins. But the living room was awful, kitchen was awful, and stairs were awful. We got evicted from those apartments when I was 19 years old. I remember my aunt acting like a lost puppy when we moved and threw away so much stuff. She was on the floor crawling to get stuff after we threw it away. It was the most pitiful I have ever seen my aunt. Years later she got help then started doing it again. My mom left our home without me and my cousin. Which put all the responsibilities of the apartment bills and everything to me. I was 20 at the time when my mom deserted us and went to live on her own. She couldn’t handle the fear of losing our home again. Meanwhile I had to deal with her and my cousin. Years later in junior college my aunt wanted to move and asked if my cousin and I was going with her. I said I would but my cousin said he would rather stay in the apartment. I went with her and she started hoarding again. She went back to her normal habits. We got evicted 2 years later and had to live in a hotel. She couldn’t keep up with the hotel either and I was going nuts. I couldn’t live in this manner and wanted out! Then we finally get a new home and now she is doing it again. Back to her same hoarding routine. Our living room is horrible, our kitchen is under, and her room is awful. Clothes everywhere, papers everywhere, and clutter almost everywhere I have mentioned. I have asked her to get help and she won’t. I’m living in constant fear of being evicted again. I have nowhere to go other than my room. I told my cousin I want to move but because of the eviction I had last time there is a debt I owe that causes my credit to stop me from having my own apartment. I have asked her to pay off that debt since I paid over $1900 dollars for that debt to decrease and she won’t do it! So here I am after having a fight with her talking about my struggle on the internet. I have major anxiety due to this

[@leslieschumacher892]

What if what they hoard is literally garbage--used napkins, drink containers, food containers (with food remnants still in), 2 ft. deep in their bedroom? A health hazard?

[@ellencoleman5458]

I am wondering about this too. Most of the hoard with my family member seems to be garbage, with other household items mixed in. Things just seem to be dropped where ever. Instead of throwing out used kcups just pile on counter until they topple over onto the floor. Eat a fruit cup out of plastic container, drop on the floor when done. Microwave meal, eat it leave box and container on floor. Empty bottles, cans mail magazines on floor, tables, couch. I don’t see where decisions need to be made to get rid of used napkins???

[@KDRolls]

my brother in law bobby is a hoader. when i moved in with my then boyfriend (now hus) bobby moved out of the houae's third bedroom. it was a mess. a mess. well... that was 3 years ago. recently bobby had to move back in bc his gf kicked him out. ive been finding bags on trash in the shed, closets, and crap in the carport. i threw three bags (empty cups, newpapers, ect) of trash away from my shed and he flipped out!!! i threw away 7 pill bottles of old rusty nails he had on the dress in the office room (his staying in) im losing my mind!!!

[@kristine6996]

Hoarding people always enter the house carrying something in their hands. Things for ever go into the house never ever out. Their home is a house. Watch this when they enter your house… remarkable.

[@1muddonna]

80 year old Mother lives surrounded by mountains of clothes, bags, boxes all mouse-eaten and covered with a half inch of mouse crap, but "the worse thing you can do is start throwing things out?!" She has no fire alarms, only one functioning door, the whole place is a fire and health hazard but I'm just supposed to "sit down and have a conversation with her?!" This man has obviously never actually dealt with the realities of having a hoarder family member. She can't bathe because the tub is filled with bags. She can't cook because the stovetop is covered in cookbooks and assorted crap. I really should be wearing a hazmat suit to protect myself from Hantavirus! Convincing a hoarder to change their behavior is as pointless as talking to a hardened drug or alcohol abuser. For my Mother's safety, I will throw every bit of feces-covered "treasures" (clothes, books, toys, bedding, etc etc) into a trailer and haul it to the dump where it belongs. Oh no, it will upset her?! Better that than a bad fall, illness, or burning in a fire trap she can't escape from!

[@geneanthony3421]

I've dealt with hoarders all my life, haven't seen any of them ever get better.

[@psubymarr]

I'm struggling because my parent is moving from a large home to a senior apartment that is 1/5th the size of her current living situation. She asked for help moving and getting her house ready for sale. However, she is not participating in de cluttering and wants others to do it for her.

[@jamespassas9441]

Could you not do the de-cluttering under her guidance?

[@zulffiquer732]

Seemingly, I am also a hoarder. Besides occupying available spaces with stuffs in home, the larger problem is, I have no saving. I can not keep money

[@Lululila67]

I live with two family members who do this and my observation (mostly garbage that never gets taken out and ends up piling up in corners) with these two is more a display of territorial owndership. Its very disturbing, yet interesting leading us back to the mindset and reminder that we are still human animals.

[@JuztLiz]

My mother has a horrible hoarding disorder and doesn't wish to either admit it, talk it out or get advice/help to deal with it. She keeps things like baby's clothing, gathers anything found or given away and just stores it and doesn't even use it. I'm not sure what to do because it's affecting everyone in the household and it's affecting my room for education. What can I do?

[@LivingandstillLearning]

They need psychological help. You have to be prepared to let them be. It’s a really bad addiction/habit because it’s not illegal. Hoarding is a hard habit to break.

[@sweetdelites4u]

I know that I have OCD, ADHD, anxiety and depression. Along with medical issues such as fibromyalgia and COPD. The depression is what funneled into hoarding. I’m very ready to do something about it and would love to be able to find a therapist who specializes in hoarding along with my other mental health issues. Unfortunately, as of yet there is no one.

[@hyanotha]

My son is a hoarder and lives with me in my home and will never admit he has a hoarding problem. We are now going to counseling about his extreme hoarding but he never will admit it. When he moved into my home we could get both of our cars in my 2-1/2 car garage and now there is just wall to wall stuff everywhere and neither of us can park in the garage. It's the same in my home and he screams constantly if I even mention to him why he keeps buying more and more stuff his bedroom has a tiny path to his bed and now my family room is becoming a small path for me to move to the patio door. Nothing works!!

[@yomamab2002]

My mother was always somewhat of a hoarder, but it has gotten so much worse since Dad passed in 2014. My mother is now 87 and although we only live 1/4 mile from her, I haven't been out there in about three years. When I was going out there yet, her clutter and piles of things were so overwhelming and made me anxious. My husband has been out there since that but only maybe once every 2 weeks. He takes her to appointments because she refuses to ride on Rabbit Transit. I dread cleaning out that mess after she dies. She has the first floor loaded so much that you can't even get to two of the rooms and the front door. She has the second floor looking hoggish too. When my dad would get sick of her junk, he'd make trips up to the attic, so after many times of doing that, it's pretty loaded down too.I won't ever eat anything that comes from out there because chances are it's spoiled. She ate yogurt at least a few times that was about 4 yr old. My son told me that she had ham in her frig that expired more than 5 yr ago. She has lots of canned goods in the cupboard that are 10-15 yr past the expiration dates. She won't throw anything out! My son and I tried to unjunk her kitchen about 10 yr ago but it was only a matter of a few months till she had it looking even worse than it did before. It's like every piece of paper is precious to her. When my husband took her to a dr appointment last week, he told me that she insisted on stopping at an office supply store so she could buy an adding machine. Another toy to add to the collection. She needed that like a hole in the head. She just had this need to collect. The only time she wants to bother with us or our son is when she needs something done like someone drive her to an appointment. Then she does such stuff to screw things up , like the tv or her cellphone. She just locked herself out of her phone for the third time according to our son..He said to me he's so sick of it that he's getting tired of going out there. Demands again and again. He said she never asks him about his life, just wants him to fix all the stuff that she breaks. Some years ago she had bought a Garmin, expecting someone to show her how to do things with it. He started to show her, but she doesn't retain anything in her head, so he gave up on that. She bought a tablet, expecting someone to show her that too. Nope. It won't register and you'd end up going over and over the same things. There's only so much a person (the rest of us) can take before you feel like screaming. She has a fairly new camera, but I'm sure it has found its way under her multitude of magazines and newspapers. She's demanding and unappreciative. Her house is dirty. I even got a blackish rash of some sort on my face the last time I went out there, so I was detetmined to stay away after that. Im an only child so it's pretty much all up to me to deal with the clutter house. It has become so overwhelming to me thinking about that that I've been having trouble sleeping for the past couple years. My "kids" would only have limited time that they could come and help Just two and they both have jobs. My husband says he's not helping, and he doesn't even want me to go out there. I can't afford to pay someone to get it all ready for sale after she's gone.Her cat just died and I wouldn't doubt if that filthy place had someting to do with it.

[@loriar1027]

I think my dad and his wife are both hoarders and I worry about my dad’s health as he’s gotten to an age where falling is a constant worry. There’s no room for him to use his walker. I think he would accept help but she won’t and he doesn’t want to upset her. 😢

[@algolpoo]

Some hoarders gets so defensive that they don’t even let others to talk about it. She gets so mad and starts yelling and cursing. There is no way to even talk about it.

[@andreg127]

Anybody who says “sit down” and “calmly” talk with the hoarder has NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT. There is no reasoning with them. They will play victim and never take responsibility. Take it from someone who’s lived with this hoarding issue for 25 years.

[@theropesofrenovation9352]

lol. Exactly right

[@moonmissy]

Exactly right. Hoarders never acknowledge they have a problem.

[@ben3dex]

My son and his wife have become hoarders. They have 2 rooms with one third of the rooms full of clothes - the piles are getting bigger and I don't know how to help. I take clothes and bricabrac to a church that helps refugees and the homeless, and I have often asked my son and daughter in law to fill some garbage bags of unwanted clothes - they say yes but I have never received anything from them. Their house is full of toys, rubbish (empty boxes) papers. The kitchen benches are full of groceries, empty tins and boxes. My husband and I are in despair for them.

[@maryracine3389]

I told Johnny that I know how it feels to have relatives come to “help” clean, only to immediately pull out garbage bags. I should have told them that I hid money and couldn’t find it!

[@theropesofrenovation9352]

There has to be something more concrete to do to help. Mom won't even throw away a return address label

[@kef103]

If somebody wants to organize and clean their place but is overwhelmed doing it themselves and can’t get anyone to help them are they considered a hoarder?

[@greg_216]

No, the diagnosis of hoarding disorder (HD) would depend on how the person reacts to parting with items. If a person welcomes help tidying up and has little issue parting with unused objects, they likely do not have HD.

[@SoberOKMoments]

Then what do they have? My daughter can throw things away when she has to (like moving house, or when a landlord might be in to have a look), but the rest of the time she lives in filth. Garbage doesn't get taken out until there are bags of it stacked up in the kitchen. Every horizontal space has stuff on it, so to even cook requires clearing counter space. Personal hygene isn't all that importan for her and her two teenage sons, either. This has been her own lifestyle choice since moving into her own home in her early 20s. It looks like hoarding to me, but she does throw things away when it reaches a certain level. What is it??? @@greg_216

[@Fa-ge8ik]

Try to talk reasonably to my mom about the thirty thousand cooking pots setting in the kitchen for no use since 1980,,,she will shift to topic to life in space..

[@theropesofrenovation9352]

I hear ya! Same with pots, dishes, silverware and mixing bowls. Just Ridiculous!!!!

[@denisesavannah2023]

My sister has a hoarder problem her mother enables her . Its a serious mental illness disorder, she is in denial. Her van her old truck her trailer packed with junk . Her mom said she's a pack rat meaning a hoarder. They won't allow anyone in their home .

[@kathym6603]

You might as well consider a hoarder to be hypnotized. The hoarder thinks like a person who has been given the hypnotic suggestion to "never let go of anything" or "hold onto everything" or some such command that has power over them.

[@doreenklippenstein2778]

It’s actually rooted in greed and laziness, it’s also called sin!

[@vmobile890]

A option to get someone to hyptomise the hoarder to have a yard sale .

[@emmad7299]

I think my dad is a hoarder. He always yells at my mom and I when we try to clean up his stuff, like today I was cleaning his side of the table that was stacked high with papers, medication and junk. I started just getting rid of trash which he didn’t mind. Once I started getting into his stuff however, he started bickering at me because it wouldn’t be where it would be when he needed it. Our basement has also been taken over by him, as well as our garage and around the living room. The basement and the living room are the worst. It’s not so that everything is just everywhere, but he hoards papers by just piling them up. It’s really frustrating because I’m 13 but I’m really embarrassed when my friends come over. Is there a way to stop him yelling at me when I clean?

[@donnahannaford6840]

@Emma D tell your teachers, the school nurse, parents of your friends, grandparents any adults you can.

[@discosucks69]

Hi Emma, I remember being your age and embarrassed by my dads hoarding issue. I never had any birthday parties or friends over in fear of them judging me. I’m 30 years old now and have this urge to keep my surroundings very clutter free due to my past. I hope you learn this is your fathers issue not yours. Don’t let it get to you. The only time my dad ever said anything hurtful to me was when I was trying to get rid of some of his stuff. It’s a disorder you can’t help him with. I know it’s embarrassing now. But I had two friends I could open up too. I hope you find friends like that. I would talk to them about your home. Let them hang out in your room. Or the front yard/back. Don’t let it embarrass you. True friends will understand. You will build resentment towards your father. I wish you luck Emma. Please focus on your health and having fun. When you’re my age you will have plenty of time to help your dad at. You’ll have more resources :)

[@lori10155]

It has been a while since you posted this, so I hope you're doing well. Sadly, it might not be possible to get him to stop yelling at you for cleaning (unfortunately I'm speaking from experience). When I was a teenager living in a similar situation to you I would throw things away in secret. How I achieved that was by moving things to my room and keeping it in a spot that couldn't be seen (like my closet or a desk drawer). Then I would either throw it away while said person wasn't home or put items in a trash bag under what would be deemed as "actual trash" by said person and throw it away that way. Another idea that might help, if it's a problem is to set a firm boundary that your room is off limits. Make it clear that if he tries to store anything in your room that it will be thrown away/donated. Then you have the hardest part which is following through. That way you can at least keep your room clean. It will help with your sanity (and took me way to long to figure out). I also agree with finding a friend or two that you can confide in and/or another trusted adult. Lastly, I tried to initiate a couple of interventions in my early twenties, but it didn't really help anything. In the end I moved about 400 miles away (mainly for other reasons, but it is convenient for not dealing with it). I wish I had better advice than moving out, but that is how it ended up for me. Good luck and I hope your situation gets better (if it hasn't already)

[@bendodd2405]

Hoarders have a serious mental health issue and need serious mental help, it's might be hard but getting an intervention or getting them put into a medical clinic is the best thing to do especially if you have children, the safety of people and kids is at major risk with a hoarder and needs to be dealt with ASAP, if you dont have what it takes to do that then find someone who does otherwise your as bad if not worse than the hoarder as your letting it continue although you know better, they have a problem and can't help themselves but you can

[@kabukimonoo1]

I haven't seen my younger brother over years in other city, and i think he is developing this hoarding disorder. My parents have anger issues and sucks at communicating, they can't educate their children without rising their voice and emotionally abuse their kid. I tried help clean his room several times but the trash kept pilling up more afterwards. I tried to talk to him about this, but his response just 'whatever'. i feel so helpless, what to do?

[@husnazawawi1465]

My mom keeps buying, and everytime she buys, it'll always be more than ever needed. Over time, many things became worn out and damaged so every year, i'll take them out. Each time cleaning, i can get at least 18 full garbage bags of stuffs.She can't be mad because those stuffs are damaged and useless to keep

[@shahilagh]

I have seen them in family and they are also kind of autistic and focused on themselves and don’t want to change it. Ppl have different reasons for boarding. One woman hoards due to fear of need in future. The other man hoards because he feels he needs them in future too. None of them really need those things but it is mental clearly

[@ginzo666]

Thats what I see too: They don't give a FUCK about the impact their nasty habits have on you. But if you dare throw away one of the 75 half empty water bottles in your own fucking car, it's going to be war.

[@terririmmer4706]

A friend of mine who's a hoarder is now trying to figure out moving from his apt. to get a house which would be the worst thing because there would be more room for him to move more stuff in.

[@sandragilbert8875]

I feel any one who comes to you for help will do very well. Best talk I have ever heard, makes complete sense. Thank you for this informative video. ✅🧑‍🦰🇦🇺

[@GayleGruenberg]

Yes. Randy Frost is a foremost expert in the field.

[@merrywhiterose]

My husband is a hoarder. Before I moved in with him, he said he got rid of some stuff. It turns out he just put everything in the spare bedroom. He made a path for my stuff. Now when he's at work, despite many health problems, I have to go through his things & throw/donate things w/o his knowledge. I've found his deceased dad's used loofa, toothpicks (gross) & other disgusting things. I've only touched the surface of his crap. Also, he keeps several copies of everything. The shredder has been busy. Luckily, he hasn't noticed the difference because I move things around as I'm doing it & tell him I'm throwing away some of my things. I worry that once my diseases progress, the house will go back to a total disaster again.

[@smurph1153]

God help me!! My wife has been hoarding for years and almost every room in the house is packed to capacity. I have not been able to sleep in our bed for years now because it is not possible for me to get to my side of the bed. All the clothes I wear never leaves the laundry room. Today she wants to go get a new bedroom set. I refuse to help her in any way. I see no way possible for her to move any of the piles of crap she has in that bedroom to get out the old bedroom set and put in a new one. It scares the hell out of me to even think about where she is going to put everything she takes out of that room. I can guarantee you she will not be throwing it away. I love her to death but am at wits end as to how to deal with this. She can call our kids to see if they will help, but I doubt if they want to get involved any more than I do. I will be spending the rest of the day out in my office, the only place that I find sanity. I hope she doesn't go over the deep end when she realizes she has no support with her endeavor.

[@danacaro-herman3530]

I am an absolute hoarder. It's a very debilitating problem.

[@howardkerr8174]

We have "developed" a hoarder in my family. We don't get aggressive or confrontational, but getting this person to come to grips has not been possible, yet. The advice here seems pretty reasonable. Is there such a thing as a Hoarders Anonymous?

[@emoshnlydisturbd]

Thank you

[@NZ92673]

How is obsessive compulsive disorder linked to hoarding? I would think that it would be more linked to a behavioral disorder where the individual struggles to keep things organized and just gives up on their attempts to keep their things and life organized.

[@gasdorficmuncher9943]

family member wants me to sell my home and live with them ..in thier hording nightmire ...they want me to help with thier bills and help clean ? i am bit worried

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

@@gasdorficmuncher9943 Good God! Don't Do it!

[@polomare2027]

Hoarders don't remember 90% of the stuff they own. You can't tell me that making them agonize and mourn over ever single item is preferable to just throwing it all out when they are not around and having them just miss the 10% they remember.

[@theropesofrenovation9352]

Totally agree!!!

[@greg_216]

It's inherently a disease of disorder. So, the psychological pain comes not just from knowing what they lost but knowing that they lost stuff that they didn't have organized. "I could have..." is an extremely deep rabbit hole for folks with HD.

[@HillbillyBubba]

My wife is a hoarder and she has destroyed our house. I have decided to move into the garage. I hate living here

[@KennyLauderdale]

Good info.

[@IOCDF]

Glad it was helpful!

[@bleh2590]

I guess I could start as " friend, do you really like having your house like this?"

[@sharonmcnair6461]

Understanding what drives hoarding is well and good but if the hoarder does not want to change, you may just die trying to help them...my son's girlfriend does not care if her hoarding causes me a second stroke. She just thinks it means more room in MY house for her crap. She does not care! Get the hoarder out before it kills you!!!! YOU may not have time left for them to get it!

[@GilfHunter1969]

This is completely accurate. My mom's s hoarder.

[@rivahcat8247]

The only way I could help my ex-boyfriend was to kick him out of my house, which he had turned into his own dumpster. There is no helping someone who doesn't want to be helped.

[@dottiebaker6623]

Are there any books you would recommend for the person who is hoarding? I think that might be an acceptable way for this person to hear that it is a problem and can be helped by therapy.

[@jbaby362]

This really only applies to someone who hoards who is willing to put in work. Like if I look at my grandma she won't even put in the footwork to get services that would make her life better, or make friends, so she's never going to address her hoard.

[@kellyyork3898]

The bottom line is that they do not know what really causes this behavior ( just look at all the theories out there ), and they are just now beginning to recognize that it’s NOT related to OCD, but may be related to depression and/or personality disorders. Often, the hoarding begins or gets worse after a loss, or the person has been depressed for a long time but is high functioning with their depression but something happens that pushes them over the edge. Also, our culture ( capitalistic society ) pushes people to buy buy buy. And families can really be part of the problem in that many of these hoarders, IMO, appear to be cut off from their families, and have suffered abuse at the hand of other family members, particularly emotional abuse. The hoarding is an outward symptom of the inner horror and chaos that is the end result of all the abuse and mistreatment. I think psychologists have to address ALL these issues before it gets to a crisis stage, but unfortunately, in America, you don’t have to allow anyone to help you, and you don’t have to allow anyone into your home unless you want to.,

[@apotheticallyautistic73]

💜💜💜

[@ce311]

Yes, Amazon was the worst thing to happen to my brother. Not only tons of stuff and redundancies, but also the boxes are saved because they might be useful. 😢

[@firenze5555]

I think that it's related to anxiety and also "nesting" issue - building a barrier or insulation against the world.

[@pamelacoles7140]

You get it more than the psychiatrists do. I don't buy things. People like me and give me things, so you feel bad if you trash them. When people ask me what I want for holidays, etc. I tell them nothing or how about take me to lunch or buy me a couple scratch off lottery tickets. It helps not adding more stuff to my small apartment. Making progress. I also think, OMG I don't want my brother's to have to get more out of here that they should have to when I die. People need to realize they won't live forever and somebody else will get stuck with all the work. Bless you for your understanding of this issue.

[@Lizgeer]

I’ve tried it’s almost helpless . She won’t get help either. Ugh … so frustrating.

[@aaronthenorm5400]

My girlfriend had one of the cleanist neatest houses I've ever seen; now I can barely walk through it!😢

[@cindyhammack68]

What about how it affects those who live with them? Its BS. Its a never-ending battle. I've pleaded, I've begged, I've tried to ignore it. At what point does the "helper" just say screw it and give up on the relationship because it so negatively impacts THEM? At what can I just say I've had enough and either I can leave or start throwing stuff out? I've even tried to compromise. If you get a new pair of shoes, get rid of an old pair you haven't worn in years. It's affecting me negatively and I'm supposed to treat her with kid gloves about it?

[@XxSypherxX91]

So basically what you’re saying is that I’m SOL.

[@alexanderrodriguez8420]

There's no way to help these kind of people. It's best to plan a way to move out.

[@janemorrow6672]

Not true, thankfully 😀

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

@Kev Cyberpunk Yep. True. I am currently at this point.

[@cesarb8536]

I just throw it away when theyre not around. They will put a tantrum and get mad but it fades away.

[@slick-qm7li]

Easy to said then done

[@mikecotton3125]

I've been using hypnotism....

[@WoodlandDance]

'Throwing out something in the hoarders house won't solve the problem, and can make it worse' - well, how about the hoarder's bags of moldy and rotting garbage? Children are in the house. You want me to not talk to the hoarder about that? Refrain from trying to convenience them that decomposing filth is a health and safety hazard? You're saying don't throw out a hoarder's hoard, and don' try to explain why the 'item' is not needed? Ya' Ima go head and throw out the maggot bags - mmmmmk?

[@jenniferbloom1991]

This guy means well; but, he's full of shit. No matter what you say or do, a hoarder always finds a way to twist your words and rationalize their behavior. The only way out is to continue to PURGE, PURGE, PURGE when they're not around! And if they're upset when they come home and see stuff missing..."Oh well! You had no respect for my boundaries, so I have no respect for your crap. End of story!!!"

[@distaff2935]

I don't want to throw out someone else's stuff. I put my husband's neglected and dust coated stuff in boxes labeled with his name, the area I cleared it from, and the additional note: "Needs Sorting." Doesn't phase him at all. The only reason we aren't knee-deep in boxes is that we have two Connex boxes in the back yard. I recently suggested we should go through the Connex storage. He has boxes of sets of fine china he purchased while deployed in Asia - never once been used, and Asian tailored suits I've never seen him wear, but No, they can't be parted with. I'm starting to think, this just isn't normal.

[@composthog4332]

@@distaff2935 No, it isn't normal. It's a severe mental disorder. You have been very respectful. ☺ Maybe you and he could read "Buried in Treasure" by Randy Frost (the gentleman you see here) together? Or if you live in a city, check for a hoarder's support group? It helps to meet people like oneself. You sound loving and kind so he may still be receptive to your input. It's very hard for any of us to listen to harsh criticism. Wishing you and your husband all the best. I know it's very hard but love, patience and even therapy can go a long way.

[@YellowPineappleHoyas]

Thanks!

[@carlacordova8268]

ok but if you do not throw things away they completely trash out your life you see? they ruin your home. So I do think all The stuff should be thrown away. There must be a way to get them to go to therapy without having to put up with their illness up to The poi t of becoming ill yourself

[@ADreamBee4618]

Carla Cordova I live with a hoarder mom, and hoarding can be so frustrating to deal with, but the reason why throwing things out doesn't work is because they are usually hoarding difficult or traumatic MENTAL experiences, and hoarding is a PHYSICAL manifestation of that. When we throw things away, they get so upset because they have not finished processing or given their memories a proper goodbye. My room, wardrobe, and keepsakes are all very minimal, and having a space that is MINE is what keeps me sane. As for making them go to therapy (please know that I don't mean this in a rude tone AT ALL) how do we do that? Therapy isn't a magic fix, it won't work until they WANT a solution, and that can be scary and humiliating. You can't drag a grown adult to therapy. If they're living in your house, you definitely can and should set boundaries. You can kick them out, or give them requirements of where the mess has to stay, fees for damages, etc.

[@samanthalee5283]

I am the daughter of a hoarder. Throwing their stuff away is only a short term solution because like he said the hoarder WILL fill the house up again! And the whole process of doing it is very stressful because it will start arguments 99.9% of the time. It's a mental illness and when you're trying to have someone who's a hoarder get rid of things, they have some type of attachment to the items so it's MUCH harder for them... and like Ash said, you can't make an adult go to therapy especially if they don't want help.....

[@JohnJohn-tp3wc]

Well therapists are a dime a dozen.Pribably some quack trying to steal our stuff and sell it on offer up.when the next damine great depression COMES AND IT WILL .IT'S INEVITABLE.those things we held ON TO WILL BE LIKE GOLD

[@QueenofArgyle2525]

John John I told my husband,”What do you think you’re gonna do? Hitch a uhaul to the hearse on the way to the cemetery? You can’t Keep all that crap with you.”

[@movingforwardfco1587]

Seriously sad that most never get to the realization that this is a mental illness. So the hoarder is literally abused over and over due to the lack of knowledge around them. And really none figures out that shaming, humiliating, does just the opposite of what you want. Man kind is so very in trouble. We never learn.

[@cindyhammack68]

So, their mental illness trumps the mental anguish and distress it causes those that live with them? I live with a hoarder and I suffer from depression because there is so much crap in the house. Her comfort causes me discomfort. Keeping crap as a sense of controlling a situation takes the control away from that same situation from someone else. Do you see the fallacy? It shouldn't be a zero-sum situation.

[@SliceOLella]

Does anyone have a success story of a family member or oneself recovering from hoarding disorder or improving significantly?

[@pigeondance]

I do! during childhood and teen years my parents scolded me for throwing out stuff, always saying that it can be useful later, so with years I began hoarding. I was also really depressed so I didn't have the mental or physical energy to clean and organize often, and hated it when people observed me while I cleaned. bc I felt guilt for the amount of stuff, the stuff itself, and for my whole situation. what helped is treating the mental problems that I had with meds, reading marie kondo books, and also giving myself specific time, a week, to do my best and declutter my space, while the rest of my family was away on a trip. being alone while doing that really helped, I didn't feel awkward and guilty for throwing stuff out and organizing everything the way I wanted. and now I just try my best to be logical and conscious while buying stuff, accepting presents, stuff like that, and I've been mostly hoard-free for the last 8 years.