How Parents React to NO CONTACT

[@patrickteahanofficial]

There are more resources for childhood trauma survivors here. www.patrickteahantherapy.com/healing-community/ -discount code - NOCONTACT (20% off of 1st two months)

[@thesehandsart]

If you ever offer scholarships, please send me an application!

[@peachesandpoets]

You're saving lives bruh. Thank you.

[@thesehandsart]

@@peachesandpoets so freaking true!

[@HomeFromFarAway]

@@patrickteahanofficial Can people all please start reporting the abusive comments from people trying to shame and re-traumatise members of this community? These sick individuals are only here because their own victims have gone no contact and they cannot survive without hurting people who fit the same role

[@AnonymousSquirrel123]

*I went no contact in 1973, and never looked back. Best thin I have ever done for my own mental and physical well being!* *Unfortunately the parents weren't willing to sit down, shut up, and let me decide if I was going to make it permanent: they sent out private detectives, etc., to try and track me down to "correct [my] inconsiderate behaviour". Yes, really. In the end, I had to change my name several times in several different States to muddy the trails, change my Social Security Number (that took a lot of money and a n attorney to accomplish), and ultimately, to move two thousand miles away, followed by a bunch of fake death notices in papers where she was the looking for me. It finally worked, and I hadn't so much as thought of either of them in more than 40 years - until I ran into a family acquaintance in early 2020 or maybe 2021. She confirmed that everyone was convinced I had died decades ago in my fake traffic accident, and that my "mother" had died in the early 2000s. She had no idea where my father was, or if he was alive. I chatted for a few minutes, warned her off of spreading her findings, and said goodbye. That's where it sits today. I have been free for more than 50 years, 30 of them married to a great woman, and 8 of them retired early. Life CAN be good even if you have whackjobs for parents: you just have to get creative.*

[@PrplPoppySystem]

What a parent that has a child that has gone no contact may not realize is that we (the children who have gone no contact) are mourning. Not only do we mourn the parent that we never had, but we also DO mourn the parent that we DID have. We're not heartless beings who don't care about the person that raised us. We just don't want to get hurt by them anymore, and every interaction with that person is stressful and painful. We have a right to live in peace and they have no right to cause us harm.

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

Jeannette McCurdy is proof we honestly don't have to care about the parent who raised us, either.

[@AlvinKazu]

For a long time I always said that "No one in this world can understand the pain in my heart," because my father was my world, the center of my universe, my everything.... ` However, I'm realizing more and more that even though people might not have had the EXACT same life as I did.... So many people lived basically the same life. We were abused in basically the same ways, and we react and feel very similarly to each other. ----------------------------------------------- Throughout my life he caused me levels of pain that no one should ever feel, especially a son towards the father who is supposed to be his "universe...." All `because mom would always say I did something and he would come to her defense in a rage and in an angry way because she would usually interrupt his work while he was busy coding.... Except I would be the one to get the blame, not her. I always would tell myself "If only he knew my side of the story... Things would be different." I(in my mid 30's) realized, a few years ago in my late 20's to early 30's, that if he actually cared... HE would have asked for my side... He never did.. I realized this, after I confronted him and came to him multiple times to tell my story... In the end, he just didn't care, because he said he's "too old to change," and other bs like that, even though he changed politically these last number of years. He would be defensive, or shame me by saying things such as I'm too sensitive, etc etc. Would bring up his own abuse and deflect/diminish my abuse... It was just sad. I realized he's just not a good person, and everything is a lie. I realized that he has makes his own choices, and it's not anyone else but HIS choice that HE did something. See, when you have a mother blame you, and a father taking action against you, you are confused about who caused what. You think well it must then be mom's fault that dad came out, and it's mom's fault dad acted the way he did, because I apparently caused mom to act the way she did( and would be told that later in life). This is a subconscious thought/reaction. Now I know that people have to take responsibility for their own actions. At this point, after a life of never wanting to leave my father's side, I don't want ANYTHING to do with either of them. IT HURTS ME SO MUCH. I literally have reoccurring dreams of my father not listening to me, and just believing whatever anyone says. To the point where I throw things, go nuts, etc etc. I wake up in tears. These dreams started I believe in 2016, but maybe even 2014. So maybe 10 YEARS of these "Dreams" (NIGHTMARES). The last number of them had to do with something happening to the point where I'm so angry that I don't attend my brother's wedding(which actually happened 2 years ago, this month). I actually had one last night, where my parents kick me out and I'm homeless, but for some reason my mom cooked me a meal somewhere but I denied it(Maybe it was in jail, as many of these nightmares are me getting arrested for something I didn't do, and my parents not believing me that I'm innocent, I've never been arrested or anything like that before). Then at the end of the dream I'm talking to someone in a desertish area and I randomly see my dad poking his head out over a truck looking at me from behind and when I turned around I glanced at him for a second, and then just went on with my business not caring. Very sad dream. My mother has been telling my father to kick me out, or put me into a hotel. I really don't want to be here anymore though. I don't think being on the street will do anything for me though.

[@Chichimee]

Yea well said.

[@marinat187]

If you are mourning now, what you will be doing when your parents die ?

[@TruFlyFox]

​@@marinat187that is a very unfair comment.

[@TheWriterNW]

I really don't care how my parents reacted. Their reaction is not my problem. Their feelings are no longer my burden. Their perceived reality is not my concern. That's the entire point. I am free from their chains.

[@saragates2255]

@@TheWriterNW This is SO LIBERATING isn't it! ❤️‍🩹🫶

[@kimparke6653]

I agree. Except for the other parent who was so easily discarded because of unconditional love. Someone foreign to a child manipulated to hate their other parent. You didn't deserve this, and neither did your loving parent. We have no idea what we did, only you know the lies that you were fed. Wouldn't the absence of malicious intent and character slander of them by your loving parent be a clue.

[@InfiniteGoddess971]

@@kimparke6653 Beautifully said. Never to excuse malicious intent to harm ever. When we all mature n thru healing, we can gain understanding of actions from all involved to heal the trauma. It is far too easy for our children to be manipulated n lied to about a parent that does unconditionally love. As u said the other parent. So many hurt people hurting others n society has become rife with mental health illness/disorders. Compassion all round 💔

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

@@kimparke6653this isn’t always the case though, and many parents who enabled abusers (I don’t REMOTELY pretend to know your personal situation, just pointing out that this isn’t universal) create a narrative about being slandered to avoid their own accountability. An adult child’s trauma response doesn’t discredit the other parent’s love (in cases where there’s an “other” parent), but neither does that love discredit the trauma.

[@1Shawol416]

Co-sign

[@wildoesthings]

my parents genuinely reacted by saying, "thank god. we didn't like you anyway." lol. at least it was mutual i guess.

[@mereditharmstrong9054]

God…who are these people who become parents. So awful!

[@zarass3818]

Thats better than them stalking you

[@meghasanyal4861]

That's just awful! But it saved you from years of guilt trips and making sense of what's what.

[@julia-o8f9h]

This made me laugh. The term “family cutoff” doesn’t fit, my experience was more like “mutual acknowledgment of irreconcilable differences”

[@wildoesthings]

@@julia-o8f9h i wish it had been that easy, but they found a way to make it a ton of work on my end regardless! cutoff definitely still applies in my case -- regardless of their response to my face.

[@66katemom]

I can't speak for other parents, but when I realized my daughter wanted no contact with me I took the opportunity to get my ass into therapy and find out why. It turns out it really was my fault. That's what happens when mental illness goes untreated or unacknowledged.

[@luc1d356]

Self awareness and accountability is rare nowadays. Kudos to you

[@yeshalloween]

I WISH my mom would self-reflect! I’m sure your daughter appreciates your efforts!

[@JaneaDahl]

You are a good person. I hope that you find healing with your daughter. My mother would never admit to any wrongdoing, and there was some pretty extreme psychological abuse and neglect in my childhood. She's done zero work on herself and admitting any wrongdoing would shatter her self image, so it's my problem to work through alone and I have finally gone no contact.

[@lindanorris2455]

right on!

[@fuzzyizmit]

To use that as a push to look inside and improve yourself takes a lot of guts. I wish you the best on your journey of healing.

[@briteeyesnsmile]

I just did this recently...and I'm still grieving the loss. I tried for DECADES to make them love me. I heard "You'll never be a good child to a bad parent," and it really hit hard.

[@ashleypg1708]

Wow! I needed to hear that quote, it's perfect. I tried for decades to fix things too-- they don't change.

[@briteeyesnsmile]

@ashleypg1708 They don't. I tried desperately. I think the worst part for me is that eventually, my mother completely poisoned my father once they were retired and spent all their time together. I always had issues with my mom, but my father had always been the rational one. He REALLY has changed in the past year or so, and it was the most painful thing to cut contact with him.

[@moscowcowboy_13]

You are not alone, you are worth it!

[@billyb4790]

Here’s a thought exercise. Think of a friend you knew growing up as a kid. Now make that person your parents kid instead of you. How would it go? How would your parent react to that kid? Do you think it would have really been any better? Would it have in fact been even worse? Would that kid be the same as you know then today? I doubt it!

[@dv52528]

It is as if we are buying their love by doing anything to please them.

[@freden9234]

My parent reacted by sending me an eleven page letter which detailed what an awful, despicable and vile (in his eyes) person I was. I burned it.

[@FloralLife02]

(This was a couple months ago)I feel this I got long messages from my dad calling me an f-ing disappointment and that I was hateful. My father is my mother's enabler. I had to block both parents. It was tragic, but I'm much happier for it.

[@bakerwannabe4435]

I always appreciate your videos. Yes, going no contact is not an easy step to take but is necessary at times. I’m so glad that I did because my life has been so much more peaceful without their abuse.

[@XxBrittany20xX]

I've been 7 years, no contact. I'm 33. My parents were both narcissists. So I had also cut them out, and I realized my grandmothers and pretty much all my blood fam is narcissist or toxic in general. So I have no connection with any of them. I'm happy now and at peace. When I had a special event happen for me, my mother did give me a letter/gift. (I just cut em out, they didn't know bout my event) Someone else did. And it was a card that said, "Get yourself a haircut." And a haircut gift card. It then said, "Don't use the card on anyone else." Well, I ripped up the card, threw it away, and gave the free haircut for my bff. 😂

[@fireupyourheartfortruth]

Sorry Fred😢

[@meko98743]

It's funny how narcissistic parents react to things. Who honestly thinks "this person has told me they want no relationship with me, so I know what will change their mind! Insulting, criticising and abusing them, while ignoring and dismissing every concern they have! Yeah, that'll convince them to change their mind!"

[@loriwilde3977]

I didn't have to go no contact. In therapy, with support from my therapist, for the first time in my 60 years on the planet, I set a boundary with my mother. I told her if she ever left another message on my voicemail screaming and cussing that I would no longer take her phone calls. She went no contact with me.

[@JulianotKaren]

It's beyond shocking isn't it. I can relate🙏❤️

[@Kelly-pp1et]

😂😂😂😂. What a piece of art.

[@sharonlear2097]

😢😢💔💔 POS. MY egg donor would do similar voice mails!! Passive aggressive, guilting, flipping out etc. I went no contact in 2021. My only regret is I didn't do it sooner. I think it's even worse when a mother goes no contact with a child they brought into this world!!! That's a really freaking weird ass s***. But at least you can rest assured the problem is definitely her!!!!💔

[@annklonl5207]

I told my sister that I want her to talk to me respectfully and to stop mocking me or talk behind my back or else I prefer no contact at all. She hung up on me. Since then, we have not spoken again. She can't even blame me for that.

[@ddl4374]

Even Better !!!!

[@AFAskygoddess]

I went no contact with my mother when I was 43 years old. She died in my mind and in my heart. I never wondered about her again. She couldn't hurt me again. Twenty years later, I found out she died when I received a letter from the probate court since I was her only child. They wanted to know if I wanted to contest her will, since she went to such an effort to leave everything to her stepdaughter. I signed an affidavit waiving my right to contest. All I wanted from that woman was my freedom to lead a life far away from her hateful manipulation.

[@magicalspacegiraffe]

❤

[@valentino-valentina]

This comment hit me at a funny time, currently going through probate with my very toxic grandmother's estate. She really decided to screw over everyone with inheritance as much as she could (deliberately set it up so her sons would lose SSI). Anyway. Good on you for closing that door as firmly as you did. Kinda wish I'd had the same level of resolve.

[@alwaysyouramanda]

😢❤ This one really hurt

[@TibiSum]

@@valentino-valentina - We don't sort of expect it, although we sort of do. Not your fault, re: resolve. It's just so awful. Mine has messed about in estates as people have died, one brother included. Then she cut me from their will. She made the mistake of flashing her hand in doing that, now she can't get me or my sibs with any of her tactics, we'll know not to open the bomb. Abusers manage everything by creating confusion and in doing that, sometimes it backfires. The rest of the time, we do the emotionally sound thing in response and that blows up in our faces because they are twisted and it's hard to imagine things their way. Good luck, I am aware of the stress involved. I wish the sons well, they don't deserve the mess she's left. I hope they don't lose their dependable income. Looks like disability or something (Canadian here)? If so, her abuse could be one of the factors in that (I live with a range of health issues as a survivor of childhood abuse and trauma). Hugs to them and you from a stranger who cares! Dealing with estates is so hard. I've had to do that 3 times and each time was a different learning experience. Please care for yourself the best you can.

[@valentino-valentina]

@TibiSum yes, it's essentially disability, which is very... tightly regulated in the US, to put it mildly. I'm sorry you've had to go through this process so many times, but I appreciate your well-wishes. We're all doing our best to maintain our sanity through the process. Thanks, stranger.

[@suburbanshaman6227]

"Couldn't you have taken pity on your poor old parents and waited until after we were dead to have all these feelings?" -- exact quote from my mother, when I tried to begin talking about our family difficulties and what it has done to my mental and emotional health. Pretty much told me what I needed to know right there. Their comfort is more important than my mental health. Got it. We're NC now.

[@wateheckful]

My mum said the same thing to me. I had to remind her that her own mother (aka my grandmother) is still alive today. She's 80+ yrs old and my mum is near 70.😅

[@karj_gaming]

Are you kidding me!?!?? This is so incredibly selfish and heartless. I'm so sorry to hear this is how they reacted

[@AlexisHiemis]

My mom is like that as well. Her feelings are always important and her need for assurance and being pitied come first. Someone else having feelings and problems? Rude, that's worrying her! She won't be able to sleep because she is so worried! I never even told her so many things like getting hit by a tram or going to therapy. I think I'm almost there to cut contact once and for all.

[@thenerdgirl1]

I've been deconstructing a lot since I've had some epiphanies about my childhood. My mom didn't like me talking about it. She'd ask why couldn't I just get over it? Maybe because you refuse to acknowledge you hurt me?! My dad was my biggest bully and her response was that I always rubbed him the wrong way. I was a little kid! What?! Grow up! They never helped me as an adult. They never lent me or gave me money. They refused to cosign loans. They undermined my efforts to go to Uni. They offered no mentorship or support. They babysat my kids ONCE and complained that the children made noise and rolled cars on their furniture. She was all distressed when telling me this. I was like, did you ask them to stop? No. Like... Just talk to the children maybe? Omg. And they were parents. It's mind boggling. There was basically no loss to going no contact. They never did anything for me. Didn't even love and support me. F em.

[@joannaritchot3239]

My mother had a favourite child and it wasnt me. In my 30s i gained confidence to tell her how i felt about how she treated me and my kids compared to my sister and hers. 10 years of trying to improve our relationship I finally just went no contact. I was in the middle of a marriage breakup and instead of support she texted me 3 times telling me how ashamed of me she was. I didn't even tell her I was going no contact. I just changed my number and ended up moving and that was that. I never felt such freedom. For awhile I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty over it. It's been 13 years.

[@rosamoreno4794]

I went No Contact at age 18, just turned 47. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Take care of you in a healthy manner and keep growing. No one is coming to save you.

[@Albatross4Sure]

It took me until I was in my 40s to go no contact with my mother. My husband went no contact with his father almost the very day he turned 18. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't do it much sooner.

[@lynnfisher3037]

Your last sentence is a truth bomb. ❤

[@katerin-no-kulikova]

Congratulations! I cut contact at the same age and today is my 8th year free.

[@protalukoriginal4560]

You're right, I got to save myself, no one will help me 😢

[@adriaanpretorius1073]

Hows it going?

[@simplyixia3683]

Any time I received unwanted gifts/letters from my parents via friends and relatives, it always felt like I was being handed a cursed object.

[@RAHHicecream]

It’s garbage. I never kept any gifts. I showed them to the police and threw them away at the police department

[@simplyixia3683]

@@RAHHicecreamI would drop them back at my parents’ doorstep when I knew they weren’t home or knew they were asleep. They eventually stopped. It was thankfully never bad enough that police had to get involved but there were clear attempts to get the tendrils sunk back in me. Still makes me shudder to remember that feeling.

[@mj-rg9kp]

Bc it was, there’s a string attached to every single one to trap you into submission

[@breakfastime]

In the book “soul murder” by shengold this is brought up a lot and likened to Pandora’s box. Lots to unpack for me.

[@baphomumm9834]

Boy, that's a perfect way to explain it. To this day, every compliment, gift, whatever, makes my stomach churn and my hair stand on end. Eerie.

[@jnl3564]

A toxic parent will look at this list and think "there is literally no way to react to my child other than this."

[@cuentaparamiscelaneos]

Or go, as my mom does, saying “They are such drama queens.”

[@SludgedB]

I’m halfway through the video and my parents have done 3/6 of these things recently

[@christinavanbeek]

I went no contact in November. Last weekend, I saw my parents, because I was attending my 13yo sister's musical theater performance. They walked towards me with their arms out for a hug. I simply said "I don't want a hug, thanks". My dad immediately went to a place of anger and said a few sentences like "I don't know what we ever did to deserve this behavior. This is not how I know you." And my mom started crying. Even my grandma (whom I live with while I attend university) said that I should be ashamed of myself, which I did not expect to hear from her. I stood there, stonewalling, just observing their behavior. I had a small epiphany that they all talk from a place of me owing something and wanting to keep up appearances. There is zero curiosity about how I feel or what I have experienced. In their eyes, they are the victims and I am breaking apart the family. I did feel guilty for a second there, but I reminded myself of the past, that I don't owe them anything, that I am not responsible for their feelings, and I got through it. I cried after I left, because of the built-up tension. I'm glad I saw my sister again.

[@Bronte866]

This sounds like low contact. It may not be enough to keep you sane judging by your comment. I’m sure it’s all very difficult. All the best.

[@jesusrules9925]

What a bunch of gaslighting freaks. All ganged up to make you look bad. They always do that. Trying to make it impossible for you to see your sisters performance without a dose of their sadistic crap. They want you to pay for being there for your sibling. You did the right thing. Don’t ever let them hug you. I don’t ever fall for that anymore. The Narcs do not deserve a hug.

[@rifatherapper]

I’m proud of you for making it through what I’m sure was a stressful encounter. Keep going; your healing and freedom is worth it!

[@a016202]

It’s hard when you still have siblings living at home. I didn’t go fully NC with my mother until right before my grandmother died. My grandmother knew what kind of person my mother was but she begged me to be civil while she was alive. My grandmother was everything so I abided by her wishes. I miss my grandmother everyday, every single day, but her death also freed me.

[@misspat7555]

@@Bronte866These situations are all excruciating and deeply personal. It’s understandable that a sibling would want to see their sibling in a public setting, even if it opened them to contact with other family. All options are awful, and only the person stuck with the consequences can make these choices. I tried to reconnect with my father (who cut ME off) shortly before my grandma, his mom, died several years ago. He spent the funeral I attended acting like I AND my brother (who has also since cut me off) were invisible. It hurt, but was honestly probably the best thing he could have done. If he can’t use you, he wants nothing to do with you. 😔

[@jenni4claire]

You can just "quiet quit" them. I moved 3000 miles away, barely kept in touch and moved on with my life without them but never officially severed ties. No drama, Mama.

[@sanashams7836]

Are you happy?

[@cucumberwhale]

Damn, I should do this too.

[@patti.autocad3652]

I know they appreciate your absence in their lives🙂.

[@ddl4374]

I Believe that works great for some! And for some the PEA E OF MIND OF ZERO SUPERSEDES EVERYTHING !! NO MATTER WHAT - it's YOUR Heart and TOUR peace of mind! YOU KNOW YOU !!!!!! EXCELKENT COMMENT - THANK YOU !❤

[@Anonymous_joe445]

Most people should move away from home if they’re parents are not bad enough to go no contact but not pleasant enough to live in the same town or state so you move and see them once a year on holidays and send some flowers on her birthday

[@chunkysocks8121]

My whole life was about my mom’s feelings. It’s been “what about me” “what about MY feelings” “you need to think about me” since 1984. My feelings never mattered and I never even existed except to serve her majesty. I have had enough. My feelings weren’t worth anything to her, so she can have what she gives.

[@einahsirro1488]

Moms like that don't think you have the right to any feelings. They tend to demand that you not cry, as a child, when they are yelling at you, or tell you to "wipe that look off your face" while they're berating you... you must not show anything but concern for THEM.

[@yiddena]

Yup . My feelings are at the bottom of the totem pole nor am I allowed to be real.

[@sierrac4157]

Yep. This hits hard

[@marcyrogers13]

I built up to no contact. By the time I actually told my mother I thought it would be healthier for both of us to lead our lives independent of each other, I had stopped seeing her in person and was just down to sporadic phone calls and sending flowers for special occasions. I did not update her on my contact information when I moved. It has been 41 years since we last spoke and I can only assume at this point that she is dead. I have no regrets. I would never have become the person I am today with her in my life. It hasn't always been easy but I wake up every morning looking forward to what the day may hold.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

Thank you for sharing. It helps. I wish this was my life story. Perhaps it can still be...

[@derica9]

God. I hope I can achieve this. Thanks for the inspiration 😊

[@HomeFromFarAway]

@@patti.autocad3652 my dad died last year, but thanks for the gaslighting

[@JacquouilleLaFripouille]

Sometimes that is what is needed to live in peace and away from toxicity.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

​@@patti.autocad3652Why are you here? did your victims rightfully go no contact with you and now you're taking out your toxicity in communities that call out your bs?

[@2shadyladies]

I went no contact 18 yrs ago. Sad part is my father convinced my siblings to shun me. Thankful for my female friends who have become my family and support.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

My mom did that toi--alienated sister, brother, nephews, aunts, uncles and most cousins. She was evil.

[@joannepingtella8002]

@shadyladies....I feel your comment 💯. Same situation happened to me...for the most part, I have let it go, but the lack of response just supports that uneasy feeling I had growing up that I was barely tolerated and not really loved...that hurts. 😢

[@chary2k]

@@joannepingtella8002I couldn’t have described it better myself- it’s like they were passive-aggressively tolerating my presence and treating me like an outcast when I was with them, yet my mother was very angry if I didn’t still show up, as well as call three times a week. And when over a period of years I tried to communicate about my feelings, I was dismissed every time and told it was all in my head. It’s coming up on six weeks of not calling my mom and it’s radio silence from absolutely everyone. My mother never called me to begin with anyway (that was “my job”). Same for my sister and her two adult children but I’d get a text occasionally; now though it feels like a united front against me. Ironically, I personally feel a lot better not being put down and made to feel lesser than all the time. I just wish they could forget my existence because it bothers me to know they’re not far away badmouthing me and blaming ME for everything…

[@msdemeanour]

​@@joannepingtella8002Same here. Just remember: They have the problem, not you. Stay strong 💪🏼

[@boxelder9167]

30 years no contact, I made one phone call and realized that nothing had changed. Over 7 years no contact since then. It’s been easier now than before to accept that whatever that was, it’s not love and I don’t need to chase it.

[@k.c.forden4150]

I thought my mom would put up more of a fight. She didn’t do much of anything. She sent a couple of messages simultaneously “apologizing” and then blaming me for her actions, and when I didn’t answer, that was it. It’s been the most peaceful six years of my life.

[@sagethemage504]

My father did that. Went no contact a couple years ago but he found a way to contact me to let me know my grandmother (who was as abusive to me as he was, if not moreso) was dying. He made a whole speech about, "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't keep going the way I was with the decisions you were making" like there was ever a time when he wasn't abusive and that I somehow caused his behavior. It sucks because by that point I'd really been listening to that phone call with baited breath. He started saying he was sorry and I was internally cheering him on and then he said, "I just couldn't keep going the way I was with the choices you were making." It was like a wall slammed down between us. I just hung up.

[@dannydiablo.]

I think they found a new supply i.e they replaced you with another person they can abuse. Which is why she didn't put more of a fight.

[@wandering-gma]

I'm the estranged mother. What is the most positive reaction? I made huge mistakes, I truly was toxic, I don't blame my kids, I love them, the loss has crushed me but opened my eyes. The hole in my heart is huge but I know their hole is bigger. I truly want them to have the space to heal. I don't know what a healthy reaction that builds them up and helps them to heal is? How should we respond?

[@dannydiablo.]

@@wandering-gma I think the fact that you are able to self-reflect is great! I would say try communicating with your kids about this and really apologize, mention your mistakes and truly show them that you regret making those choices. It's up to them whether they accept your apology, but no matter their choice, you need to learn to live a happy life. Past is past. Time heals everything. If your kids don't want anything to do with you, so be it. Accept your reality and move on, I know it is hard. Be glad to welcome them back with open arms when they change their mind.

[@BAsed_AFro]

Most folks today are absolutely fed up with the antiquated “Authoritarian” parenting style, which very closely resembles narcissistic personality disorder. It may have served its purpose when your child was an infant… or maybe if you own a dog. But it’s no longer acceptable to treat a grown ass adult like that, period! The delusions of superiority and infallibility with the whole “I can’t be wrong!” thing, along with the controlling/manipulative behavior are simply no longer going to be tolerated by most people.

[@kateashby3066]

This was my dad. He absolutely destroyed our mental health as children because we were terrified of our only caregiver. Mom took off. Turns out he was a narc!

[@AlvinKazu]

~It shouldn't be used PERIOD. Young children need LOVE AND GUIDANCE, not Bullies.

[@AlvinKazu]

​ @kateashby3066 This happened to a girl(classmate) I knew. Mother left, FAther was awarded full custody because "Mother abandoned the kids at home." Meanwhile I was told he was a mentally abusive narc who abused the wife to the point she left(she also got the wild/hyper ADHD son, as it seemed the father probably didn't want ot put up with him, and ended up just living with his 4 daughters[weird huh]}?). Narc dad ended up lying about a family friend saying family-friend grape soda'd his daughter, Narc-Dad manipulated ALL 5 kids into believing it was grape soda, and it was a big mess... I learned about this after the eldest(my classmate), told me that the guy was a grape sodaist after I told her I was going to his home with my parents for a New Years Party, because I thought they were close(WERE!)... I was so damn confused when she said that to me... I couldn't believe it... ~I was so surprised she said that. The entire thing was so confusing, because when i asked her about it she mentioned he touched her little sister, but when I asked her details of the situation (not `what happened to her, just details about the story to make sense of wtf I was hearing), she really couldn't tell me anything, was dodging the situation, and just ended with "It's my sister you have to believe me," or "how could you believe this didn't happen to my sister," type nonsense. `so I was confused. I also wasn't(still have issues) very perceptive to things due to all the narc abuse, I'm sure others get the same feeling of not being very "Socially" aware and having "Situational" awareness, since I was mostly ruminating about things in my life and never really could think much about things and have the knowledge to get things as I do now, even though I still am learning.` ------------------------ Then I confronted him about it(I believe that night), when we were alone in his basement playroom`(kind of fking stupid to do that alone if you think about it, but yeah, I trusted him). I just asked him randomly, because I couldn't believe it. He was a good dude. I couldn't imagine being a grown man having a 13 year old kid wondering why his friend/classmate called me a grape sodaist and having to explain it. He told me the story about the lawsuit and his wife defending the narc-dad's wife and how he didn't want to side against his wife to defend narc-dad, which was really stupid that his wife even got involved in the first place, but he said his wife sided with abused-wife, because she knew how she was abused, which was also most likely a strike because good-friend's wife going against narc-dad wasn't good, and then good-friend not being on narc-dad's sad was even worse. In the end he told me about how much he loved those kids, and just how horrible it all was, but nothing was found to be at fault, and they found the child to be lying. The kid was like 3-5 years old btw. Something very young. His own daughter was that young at the time I Believe too, so it was even worse for him I bet. So the revenge? Narc-Dad blames good-dad for grape-soda allegatations. We were close to him and his daughter went to school with us (very small private school).` So very sad all around though. It makes me wonder if HE(Narc-Dad) ever touched his daughters because of the weird allegation as well as` not living with the son and only the 4 daughters. I assumed it was because he was a wild kid, but who knows.` ```````````````````````````````````````````````` The worst part, was this family friend would take care of all the kids constantly while the father was busy being a useless father. He treated those kids like they were his own. He said he would take care of them all day, all the time. It was so fking sad to hear.... and now it's just crazy to think about. So the kids lost a mother, lost the second family they had, and had to break it all because the selfish father gaslit and brainwashed them into believing something that was a lie.` Everyone gets destroyed all because of selfish abusive dad.` Even afterwards, he said he would never hurt those girls, he said he still loves them and it hurts him so much. He said even if they physically attacked him, he wouldn't stop it. I said I would get in the middle of it, and he said "No, I would let them do whatever they had to do," and I Believe he added something along the affect of "just so they don't have to be sad, and to let all the pain out." This man cared more about these kids than their own father. It's just sad he only had 1 child(a daughter) and I'm assuming she might have been an accident (another family we were both friendly with had a daughter as an accident, both of the men were very childish, so I don't think they actually wanted kids, as they were kids themselves. I would hang out with both of them and their families. They would take me to the waterpark with them and we had a great time. I miss those times).

[@alexandrachapman5134]

​@@AlvinKazu Did anyone ever look for that woman?!😳

[@Bronte866]

Dogs do not benefit from such behavior from humans. They are sensitive and intelligent as humans are. In my childhood home animals were subjected to profound abuse (as I was) and it’s my worst memory. No living thing is helped by a caregiver being a tyrant.

[@smoozerish]

I'm 5 years no contact. After years of emotional abuse from my mother as an adult and enduring extreme physical abuse as a child I finally walked away. No arguments, no shouting.....just one day she said something nasty to me out of nowhere and something in the back of my head said "ENOUGH!".....I quietly walked out the door of my parents house that I was visiting that day and knew I wouldn't be coming back. My father is the dutiful alcoholic husband who says nothing to defend me because he only wants to drink and save his own skin. So I never heard from them again. Not a peep. No reaching out, nothing. It was like they had been waiting all their lives for me to go no contact so they could use it as another form of abuse by letting me know silently I did not matter in the slightest to them. It validated my decision to go no contact and crystallized in my mind that I needed to build a completely separate life from them and be responsible for myself 100% and my own happiness. Acceptance of reality is the greatest gift. Stay clean, stay sober, quit addictive things that are a crutch. Learn to respect yourself. These things are so important as a child of narcissist parents.

[@rastamuff1]

Beautifully written, I hope you are doing ok ❤

[@msdemeanour]

@@smoozerish Well done. You should be proud of yourself. My abusive parents haven't seen me in 10yrs, nor do they care that I cut them out.

[@enjoythedecline3616]

Went no contact today. I gave her a chance after a couple of months of not talking to her. I asked her yesterday 10/21/2024 to please never speak ill about me in front of my children, she wont do it, so thats that I guess. When i think of my mother, I think of alcohol breath, and a fist coming toward my face.

[@DavidPellerinmaison]

I experienced much guilt and strong family pressure to "shut up" and go back in the rank... and stop asking to resolve things... Your video is a good reminder why I've severed my toxic parents and broken family system. One good side effect of stopping having to deal with such behaviors is that you rediscover who you really are without all this constant masking.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

What I actually needed from my estranged parents is action, not a reaction.

[@aiureapriniarba7]

I needed accountability not even apology. Cause the abuse was and is denied still. Good for us that we are healing ❤️‍🩹

[@Tutume1111]

Same here

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

@@Tutume1111I’m not even sure if that was a typo, cause it works either way

[@karenduckett5288]

Well put!!

[@itslexactually]

Bravo! Well said!

[@harmonystewart7258]

I love the subtle humor in your serious videos. "I haven't slept in six months, but I hope you enjoy these strawberry preserves." After a certain point, it becomes easier to see the absurdity in a lot of these behaviors.

[@gabrielle-AV-n-PFloyd]

Well said!

[@uniquegeek2708]

For us, it was pickled beets 😅

[@SusanKG]

I literally laughed out loud at that line too!!!

[@paulabroadway1697]

When he said, "And that's why I threw the table..." I really did LOL!

[@ttllondo]

Homemade pickled blueberries 😅

[@FirstNameLastName000]

my aunt is going around saying I "prefer to live my life without family" -- no I prefer to live my life being respected and not blamed for everything

[@BlankMoments]

Years after going no contact, my mother came to my work looking for me. Ended talikg to an older co-worker(very sweet woman) and played guilt trips about how I'm awful. I don't talk to her, come over to see her, she misses her daughter soo much, and is very sad she couldn't find me. Luckily, I wasn't on shift at the time, so she left after getting her pity points. My co-worker told me about the encounter and asked why I didn't go see her. "She's your mother." To which I had to explain to her that I have my reasons. I wasn't mad at her(co-worker) for being concerned, and she never brought it up again. It just really showed me that my mother was still, after all these years, still playing manipulation games to anyone who'll listen.

[@BAsed_AFro]

When they realize that they can not control you, they try to control how others see you (re why she dropped the guilt trips and talk of how awful you are). This is triangulation (textbook NPD stuff) meant to try to turn 3rd parties against you, and also serves to provide the "poor little me!" (perpetual victimhood) external validation that they absolutely depend on.

[@BlankMoments]

@@BAsed_AFro Yeah. That checks.

[@scandia67]

They will until their last breath.

[@saragates2255]

I'm quite sure my mother still invests plenty of time and energy into convincing those around her what a terrible person I am. She did it when I went NC 15 years ago and the fantasy is so necessary, the ego so fragile, I'm convinced she's likely still doing it today. The greatest gift I ever gave myself was removing that toxicity from my life.

[@BlankMoments]

@saragates2255 Couldn't agree more with this. I just don't care who she talks shit to. She knows nothing of my life, and the people she gets validation from don't know/affect me. I see it as a win-win.

[@ENR400]

Went no contact about 2 years ago. Tried to take them to lunch, go to counseling, talk things out before I had to cut off completely. I Stopped calling, reaching out and going to holiday gatherings. Nothing. They never tried to reconcile. Just crickets. Still to this day. I got tired of trying to teach them how to love me. Same as it’s always been. I’m just invisible to them. But… I don’t not regret getting out of that invalidating space.

[@mikeburr3441]

are... are you ME?? This sounds identical to my situation. For me, the anger seems to stick. It's like knowing a criminal escapes punishment forever, _and_ has surrounded themselves by people who defend them. Poor, poor Ted Bundy; he's just so misunderstood. I know this is a me-problem. It's just hard to get past. It's hard to just drop a parent from your mind. Power on. Much love, friend.

[@AlvinKazu]

@@mikeburr3441 The thing is, it's different than that. Because they are now in prison... a prison they cannot escape, the prison of not being able to get your supply again. It's like saying Ted Bundy was surrounded by flying-monkies and people who cared for him... all while locked up and couldn't do anything about his circumstance. Sure, you can find a new supply, but to them, you WERE the MAIN SUPPLY, and that will destroy them forever. You win/won... They lost. They just keep up the mask of "everything is okay," when deep down they are SEETHING in rage.

[@karennield1986]

"Crickets" that's how I described it😂

[@NobodyHasToAgreeAllTheTime]

This is what happened to me. You realize you were the only one who was interested in the relationship

[@JulianotKaren]

Me too 😊 4yrs and not a peep from them 🤷‍♀️ I'm healing nicely 🎉

[@MelodieKate]

30+ years of no contact with my parents. It has been wonderful to be free from them.

[@urawizardharrie4173]

five years no contact for me, I ran away from home when I was 17. tried reaching out to my mother when i was 19 and immediately remembered why i left. it’s hard to go no contact, and i’ve faced a lot of criticism from people for doing it. “that’s your mother.” “that’s your family”-what most fail to consider is this was never a petty fight, I wasn’t just a troubled teen that ran away from home because i was some kind of brat. i did it because i was abused for so long and couldn’t take it. others don’t have to understand why i did it and i finally came to terms with that. i know what happened and i always will.

[@ddl4374]

THATS what's UP!!!!!

[@MikeMiller-bj3ql]

You're saving yourself from 20 years of the same shit, like most of us here had to experience before we finally had enough. I wish I did it at your age. So much time wasted on people who couldn't care less, unless I was feeding them with emotional energy. Like vampires.

[@yiddena]

You were reactively abused and are reacting to it now

[@skwerlz4us]

So many people criticized me for refusing to have contact with my father. They said the same crap, "but that's your DAD!", etc.. Any time the topic came up, I'd have to hear it. My dysfunctional abusive father abandoned us when I was 5 or 6. He then fully ignored my existence for the next 13 yrs, so I wrote him off as dead to me & blocked it out. Even back then, people told me I was supposed to talk to him because he was my "dad", even tho I didn't even know where he was. He finally called when I was 18, demanded I see him or else he'd end his life & then said other really horrible things, insulted me, name called, etc.. while I stayed silent. I hung up, deciding I never would speak to him again. For years after, friends never seemed to take it seriously that my father was too unstable & dangerous for me to be around. They seemed to believe I was doing it out of rebellion? Some of these friends used to claim they were "estranged" from their parent too, but they still spoke to them multiple times a year, communicated regularly on social media, etc.. It was just that their parents were divorced & they viewed their fathers as jerks. They just didn't understand total abandonment & complete estrangement, I guess. I never spoke to my father again, he died when I was 33. I heard he was still angry at me & on his deathbed, he said it was all my fault we didn't have a relationship. People STILL gave me a hard time about it, saying "you'll regret that you didn't go see him" & "you made a mistake". It was unreal.

[@amyrose2666]

You did the right thing. She will never change. Make a new family group of people that support you ❤ Have a happy, loved life ❤❤❤❤

[@yoltere7873]

My parents do not admit anything what they done. Painful fact.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

I know--just one acknowledgement and sincere apology would have meant the world, but it never came.

[@Bronte866]

They will rarely admit anything. Many kids spend a lot of energy trying to provoke an abusive parent to admit their abuse, to take some responsibility. This is very understandable but useless. It won’t happen. Your best practice is to get past this and not care what they do or not do. A therapist can be very helpful with this. Take care.

[@MissyMuthaTruckiN]

Mine said, get over it. like yeah i'll just magically get over 30 years of CPTSD thanks mom

[@patti.autocad3652]

Do not have children.

[@henriettehofsink8003]

Parent admit it but won't admit to a narcisitist child

[@tameelah3839]

No contact child here with a teenager. I encouraged my child to still have a relationship with their grandparents. I just told them I couldn't go with them any more. Over a year or so later they stopped going to visit. Later they told me the grandparents would just try and ply them for information about me every time they visited.

[@ThePinkPantha21]

This is primarily why I am NC. My mom would get info from my eldest child when he was small. She doesn't care about him or anyone else, it's all just control.

[@rebekahsteeper]

Wow. I’m really struggling with how to handle this when I get my now 12 daughter back in my care again after my narc ex took her during covid. My parents joined forces with him when they perceived me to longer be the access point to my daughter and I have cut contact with them in the last year after finding out what’s been going on behind my back. I wish that my child would have no contact with any of them and that we could just be together again and happy living our life, DRAMA free.

[@tinfoilhomer909]

I called it "the interview" it used to drive me nuts. 10+ years no contact.

[@1cr19]

PERFECT timing! I just spent the last 12 hours dealing with the emotional fallout of an NParent who decided to wait four years, stalk me on social media, and then leave a series of comments full of lies, pity parties, and how she’s so perfect. I NEED this today. Bless you, Mr. Teahan. I don’t believe in any higher power, but bless you anyway.

[@angelapitts2123]

Make sure you block them and anyone they know, from all social media and email and phone, etc.

[@lisabeaumont]

Ah, the pity party. Yes.

[@RAHHicecream]

Dude. My mom stalks me too it’s scary

[@SohviK]

@@RAHHicecream same. why do they do this?

[@RAHHicecream]

@@SohviKI have no idea. They’re toxic af and narcissistic?

[@InspiringMen85]

The fact that you had multiple clients that had gifts sent to their pets really hit home for me. I’ve never experienced it but it seems like a special kind of hell so I’m truly sorry if anyone reading this dealt with it. You are stronger than the abuse you endured.

[@grumblefkitty]

my mom would send *absurd* gifts to my son: a ride-on elephant bigger than he was, a fucking rocking chair that took up an enormous amount of space but was too small for him to actually sit in…like that. she never asked if we wanted it, if our small house could hold it, nothing. my kid didn’t even want these things. and then she’d be all guilt-trippy to try and make me do shit that was terrible for me.

[@christinealcorin3918]

This hit home for me. I always wondered about this. My mom would ALWAYS do this, send gifts to my dog, send messages to me about my dog, saying “Hugs to xxxx” “Hope xxx is OK” especially after I moved out and got married but never about me or my wellbeing. When we would go away to visit my in-laws, she would make me feel like the worst owner saying our dog is such a poor thing not knowing that I made xx efforts to ensure of his wellbeing and that being apart from him tears me apart.

[@gatewoodd1]

Im 27 and today marks day 1 of no contact with family. I know I'm dumb for letting it go on for so long, especially after my childhood, but I just want to take you for reinforcing this to me.

[@antigonesurefire888]

Sending you strength and good vibes, internet stranger. ❤

[@1simo93521]

You're not dumb it took me till 42 years old to realise I needed a complete break from my crazy mother. We keep thinking we can save them but we can't.

[@megan1778]

Mine did #1 after ONE full day of no contact. Full on showed up at my house (new house I never gave her the address to btw) in a rage & banging on my window. She didn’t ring the bell. Tried to jiggle the handle and get in. My husband was home and had her leave. I absolutely agree, the parent that reacts like #1, they see us as property and how dare us take distance.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I sent my mother and sister a letter via a lawyer called a "cease and desist" It's one step away from a restraining order. now if they do any of that it becomes proof in support of the restraining order, should I choose to get one. Taking power back is profound

[@megan1778]

@@HomeFromFarAway That’s good! We’ve been looking at a no trespass order at least, but we have to use a private processor since she lives in another state.

[@hiddenhand6973]

My FIL did the same tbjng. BANGED on the door and window for 45 minutes. I thought he would break the glass with how hard he was hitting. Psycho! Who thinks that will work? I had a two week old baby at the time and started to think I’d have to flee out the back because the police never showed up.

[@megan1778]

@@hiddenhand6973 That must have been so scary with your little baby, I’m so sorry!!

[@jccoffee9819]

The jiggling of the handle...that happened to me. I was alone, and the door wasn't working right. She gave up quickly but I was terrified.

[@sookiebyun4260]

I didn’t think my adoptive parents even cared that I cut them out of my life. They thought I was a loser and my older sister was the Golden Child. That Golden Child accused me of everything she was doing, herself, and I became a black sheep AND a scapegoat. My adopted parents never even told me she was making the accusations and just believed her. Even after they learned that she was the one who was stealing from them, they still never trusted me. My thought was,”F them.”

[@CreativeCreatorCreates]

There is a modicum of schadenfreude in the fact that she is more than likely continuing to steal from them. We can leave the demons to their devices, we don’t participate in those games anymore.

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

@@sookiebyun4260 they seem to mix these roles a lot…seems off

[@liltimVSnwo]

sounds like something my sister would do shes a manipulative narcissist

[@purr181]

My parents are elderly and will die soon. My mother tries to guilt me into responding by reminding me. But I already began to mourn them many years ago.

[@christineblumke8493]

So sad 😭

[@yiddena]

Yup. Me too.

[@alexlee9109]

Block them. You don’t need to see them reminding.

[@stampinturtles]

My daughter’s friend left home at 19. Left a note and said don’t contact me. Well that mom had been showing up at my house, texting me asking me where her child is, even sent the police over. I felt bad for the mom at first but she kept asking me to tell my daughter to tell her child to return items that she took. It started to seem petty. I’m glad I watched this because seems like the mom was trying to still control her child. (Adult now). It’s a sad situation. But I pray for safety of my daughter’s friend. I also pray for the mom. She’s had two other kids go no contact.

[@develyntwocentshenderson5739]

when every child goes no contact, that is when you start looking at the gonad donor(s)

[@sharonlear2097]

Please protect your daughter's friend at all costs!! You want nothing to do with that situation and that she will have to figure it out on her own. People don't go no contact for no reason.

[@msdemeanour]

Praying won't help either of them

[@stampinturtles]

@@msdemeanour you’re wrong. I’ve seen prayer change lives. But I know that for a lot of people their prayers go “unanswered” but I think it’s because they ask for the wrong things. Not because of selfishness but because they don’t have a relationship with God do they don’t know what to ask for. God gives us the desires of our hearts and He loves us. So sometimes we ask for a smaller thing to happen than the more important thing to happen. 🙏🏻❤️I pray for you too my friend. Hearts are broken everyday by broken people who need healing. God can heal those hearts. Peace is waiting for you. Trust in Him.

[@ddl4374]

Yikes!

[@nikkimason8726]

My mom has done all 9 of these. Sometimes I feel bad for her because she has no one. But sometimes I get mad because I can’t believe that someone like that is my mother. I’m jealous of people who have a halfway decent relationship with their mom and I will never have that.

[@ahappilydrunkpuppy8961]

Don’t feel bad. Her behavior is why she has no one.

[@Lili-bg4hg]

She feels bad because shell never experience a normal fufilling mother daughter relationship...honestly most dont today their busy working ​@ahappilydrunkpuppy8961

[@amyrose2666]

I understand that a lot. I have no connection with people who had loving mothers

[@SkiingSteepNDeep]

I've been gaslit my entire life. As an adult, the gaslighting was almost worse than the trauma. It was a continuation of the abuse. I was done, I gave it my all. I finally get to walk in my truth, an orphan.

[@mademsoisellerhapsody]

Same

[@KathyDevlin-n4i]

​@@mademsoisellerhapsodyI Have also been gaslite my whole life too. I also felt l was the Balcksheep of my Family!!

[@KathyDevlin-n4i]

I mean BlackSheep!

[@SusanKG]

I literally encountered every reaction you listed. She started off by telling me she was glad it was over. The next day the proverbial poop hit the fan. She stalked and harassed me (to the degree that she could) for decades. She passed away three months ago. I never relented. I am proud of myself for not caving in. The reality was that she never knew me. She only knew the version that she painted of me, and it was hateful.

[@DouglasBernes]

When my malignant narcissist older sister was dying from pneumonia I refused to visit her. She told my nieces, "He's just being mean." The last words out of her mouth that I ever heard was her projecting her cruelty onto me. It's been ten years and I haven't missed her one bit.

[@merylmel]

Good for you! It's taken a long time for us to realise that I was my older sister's first victim. Her kids were next. When 2 of them went no contact I found out my sister was telling any and everyone that it was because of my malignant influence. It's what narcissists do. I'm so glad you refused to put up with such nonsense.

[@violetviolent7980]

Well frankly, your sister died many years ago when you decided to go NC, so what would be the point in giving her some "peace" it's just not worth it,, but, if someone was cruel to you growing up, I think saying kind words to people I no longer have importance for should be file in no longer matters, can't manifest loving feelings, if they never existence.

[@wicketginger]

I relate to this one quite well. And good for you. You made the right decision. When my aunt got breast cancer, I didn’t contact her. When she ended her life, I was given the option to see her and I refused adamantly. My aunt who had adopted me, got breast cancer about three years after I ended our relationship. My sister-in-law (her daughter-in-law) was visiting me before going to the hospital to see my aunt. She had also told my aunt she was visiting me. I don’t know what my aunt got in her head but she thought my sister-in-law visiting me, meant I was coming with her to the hospital as well. This is what my sister-in-law told me afterwards. When she got to the hospital and walked into the room, my aunt asked where I was and my sister-in-law had to tell her I wasn’t coming. My aunt broke down crying. If I’m being honest, I was happy. She grossly underestimated me and overestimated herself. That’s on her. She wasn’t going to cry those fake victim tears to me anymore.

[@Rebellgentleman]

I went no contact with my mother when I was in my 50's. My life was so much more peaceful without her in it. She died about 5 years after I went no contact. Nary a tear was shed and my first thought was "I'll never have to be yelled at, suffer a guilt trip or be burdened with her again." Was this a hard thing to do? No. My only regret with this is that I should have done it sooner.

[@suzanneohlsondefine3995]

Something horribly wrong with this generation.....I think it is called the Me Generation.

[@lizblock9593]

I have a chronic medical condition where symptoms are triggered by stress. My dad totally stresses me out. I'm not putting my hard earned stability on the line to feed his ego. There are a lot of really good reasons to go no contact, and this is the primary one for me right now.

[@lizblock9593]

@@frankcastle6159 What a thoughtful reply, thank you! Yes, I totally recognize that feeling of panic. Good for us growing in our lives!!

[@mereditharmstrong9054]

Same. 💔

[@fifab82]

This 1000 times over, my family don’t understand, or don’t care understand that forcing myself to deal with the cut off parent is an act of self harm. Even interactions with them trigger this sometimes because I know they will likely try to make me feel guilty but get quite angry (I think) if I address the issue directly. Do you ever wonder if they could be the root of the chronic illness in some way?

[@lizblock9593]

@@fifab82 Thanks for a thoughtful reply! Absolutely. I have Chronic fatigue syndrome and some studies have identified childhood trauma survivors have a much greater likelihood of developing CFS. I imagine a lifetime of feeling stressed and unsafe have literally worn down my body. Its ok to tell a family member certain topics are off limits for discussion! I wish you the best in continuing to grow into your best self xo.

[@justachannel8600]

I had a huge issue, even had a hard time working, went to multiple doctors, nobody had an idea where it came from. I've never had it again since I left my family. The funny thing is in college I knew a guy, he had a similar issue, he also had obviously psychological issues, I realized later it must have been the same thing.

[@laurafergs88]

I went no contact with my parents in December 2020. I got exactly both reactions you described - I wrote them an email and got: no reply from my dad and a reply from my mum which expressed disappointment and sadness (and didn't respond to -why- I was ending the relationship). My mum messaged me on my birthday last year and I replied before realising who's number it was. I had to tell my sister to tell her not to try that again and to communicate that I'd blocked her number. Every year that passes I feel a little freer and a little clearer on just how toxic and hurtful my family environment was. And in the intervening years I haven't ever felt regret about my choice. Guilt and shame, yes, but nothing compared to how I felt maintaining the relationship. I know the choice was the best for me and my wellbeing.

[@otakushinsaku]

We are often taught that family is everything, but sometimes, the most loving act we can do for ourselves is to walk away from those who cause us harm. When parents consistently engage in behaviors that are emotionally damaging, manipulative, or abusive, the notion of maintaining a relationship becomes a source of ongoing pain. In such cases, the decision to go no contact is not a rejection of family but a reclamation of one's own well-being. It is a courageous act of self-preservation, allowing individuals to break free from toxic cycles, heal from past wounds, and create a life where their emotional and mental health can flourish.

[@rebekahsteeper]

Thank you for this description I’m saving it in my notes so I can remind myself when I feel badly about not having family anymore.

[@Vercanya]

I hope their will be talk about the parent who just chooses to ignore the child - as if they never had the child in the first place - a sign of how easy it is for that parent to stonewall and abandon their child as a retaliation for anything. If a child goes NC and the parent goes "Good riddance", there's a special hurt in that.

[@angelapitts2123]

That's pretty much how it went for me when i went nc. To me, she would text a couple times asking me to please talk to her. I blocked her. But , to everyone else, she just acted like, well no big deal. I'm gonna live my life and carry on. So yes, that could have hurt me even the tiniest bit, except the fact that I was waaaaaaay past caring at all what she thought by then. So, no matter how good we are or how well we treat others, the narcissist will never change their way of thinking. Moving on has beenthe best thing I've ever done for myself❤ hugs to you

[@laurenkellyartist]

This is #2 in the list in the video

[@wallhagens2001]

That's how it's gone for me. Shocked at how easily they turned away instead of reply to my respectful, albeit difficult because honest, letter.

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

Same here

[@SylviaRustyFae]

Yeah, i was always a child of neglect, so it isnt all that shockin that they neglected me even when i went NC; but i wish it didnt hurt that they had no reaction

[@BrokenHeartedVS]

For 28 years, I allowed my dad to manipulate, cross boundaries, and outright hurt me. I have PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder thanks to him. And my therapist is suspecting a minor case of DID, which I'm almost certain he has. This year, I finally had enough. He had 0 reaction, which is pretty normal for him. His whole thing has always been "you're not my problem" and "my children are a burden to me". He does try to seek a little information from my sister, but I'm okay with that. What she could say he already should know from past conflicts. I have been very emotionally raw for the past couple of months due to my decision to cut him off, as I once looked up to him as a hero, when I was little, so my inner child is very conflicted. My therapist has been a blessing throughout the whole process, validating and teaching me how to cope without dissociating.

[@volcanogoblin]

Had a very upsetting morning because of my mom. After failing to receive adequate emotional support from real life sources, I immediately turned to your channel. Your cadence and how your speak is so calming and healing. Thank you

[@BAsed_AFro]

A huge problem in society today is how we are very heavily-conditioned from infancy to internalize that to be wrong/mistaken equates to being a "bad person", which is not at all true. All too often, this "I can't be wrong" mindset effectively prevents people from allowing their self to come to terms with and admit when they made a mistake... such as allegations of some form of abuse from their adult child. They simply can not process and admit it, because they believe that such mistakes mean that they are a "bad person"... and that's simply too much for their psyche/ego to bear. So, what's happening is most of these estranged parents are gravitating towards some form of echo chamber where they can get drips of confirmation bias to reinforce their chosen stance of that it's their "adult child that is the one who's bad". There are countless clips up here on YT where you can see 100's of these estranged parents in the comments giving ea other "cyber hugs", agreeing that "the younger generations today are all F'd up" and so on... yet none are really talking of how destructive and damaging their abusive ways were to the adult child that went no contact with them for that reason. These echo chambers and the confirmation bias that they receive from them allow for the estranged parents to emerge as "the victim" and/or "the martyr", which serve to garner the external validation that they so desperately crave, instead of simply hearing and acknowledging (and apologizing) for what they're adult child is upset with them about.

[@Frances-Joy]

Egos can be destructive

[@billyb4790]

Trouble is…..they ARE basically a bad person. I mean for me there’s no one thing she can apologize for that would otherwise insinuate that she was a good person. “I’m sorry for threatening you with abandonment at every turn” Does this sound redeemable? I almost can’t blame her for going silent after no contact. There’s no defense.

[@ddl4374]

So wise! 'Echo chamber' So good! Thank you !

[@draquela96]

Funny how y'know if my mom only admitted how many times the police were called on her maybe that sympathy might die down

[@BAsed_AFro]

@@draquela96 I recently read from one person that he pulled out his camera and filmed his parent(s) abusive ways, and he said it rapidly put an end to it. lol So, maybe it would be a good idea for other younger folks who are in such a situation (or anyone being subject to abuse at that) to do the same. Get a few "instances" recorded and later let the abuser know that you will be archiving the videos somewhere and making them available for others folks to review. I mean, if someone is not okay with such actions/behaviors being recorded and displayed for others to see, then they will surely rethink how they choose to behave going forward. Same thing has worked in school situations w abusive teachers/caregivers, and rendered that problem a thing of the past.

[@Dobermanmomma]

Patrick, these no contact videos are a lifesaver. I have never had support on this matter, and you explaining my situation as if you know me is so healing. For real thank you. From one bad therapist to the next, I gave up on finding support after 10+ years of trying and many, many dollars wasted. You actually knowing what you are talking about is greatly appreciated.

[@marialaird6185]

My parent who i went no contact with tells people that she only has 2 children, and not 3 (with me). I'm so proud of myself for getting away from that toxic environment!

[@lindaizzzza]

because it's too painful to talk about? Maybe? you just don't know why they do that. suspend mind reading and assumptions as a rule of thumb for your own soul.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

​@@lindaizzzza would you STOP gaslighting people in this channel? this is incredibly creepy behaviour. get help

[@terriertz5134]

You left a parent, the parent didn't leave you. You went no contact, I believe that's also known as ghosting. When you ghost someone, you treat them like they're dead. So by your own logic, the parent you are ghosting is just returning the favor to you so you know how painful it feels & you'll stop. Rejection and abandonment hurts, no matter what age you are. How is that fact escaping you? That's human nature and primal psychology. Maybe just saying your name is triggering to your parent due to you completely abandoning the relationship. Why would anyone want a constant reminder of what they lost? Your mother's not saying you're her child is not toxic behavior, that's mental preservation from the hurt you continue to cause her. You get what you give & you are giving abandonment and rejection. When you don't care enough to stick around to try to work out a relationship, how is anyone ever going to fix any relationship with you when you ghost them, go no contact with them? It seems like you're the one who doesn't care.

[@marialaird6185]

@@terriertz5134 I'm afraid you have no idea what you're talking about. But thanks for wasting your time by feeling the need to gaslight me! :p Happy holidays!

[@terriertz5134]

@@marialaird6185 I'm not trying to gaslight anyone. I'm just trying to figure out how you fix any relationship without communication. How is that possible? You seem to think that anyone who has different ideas or a different perspective than you are either abusive, toxic or gaslighting you. So do you eventually leave every relationship?

[@DataRae-AIEngineer]

"I haven't slept in 6 months but I hope you enjoy these strawberry preserves." 😂 OMG so funny but also so something my mom would definitely say.

[@AlexisHiemis]

It's such a typical thing, isn't it? Immediately reminded me of my mom.

[@claire1254]

Hahaa yesss! I loved that too :)

[@zah936]

"I couldn't sleep last night because of you." While I am the one who actually hasn't slept for more than 4 hours a night because she won't allow me to sleep in a room that isn't hot noisy and full of bright lights

[@zah936]

​@@AlexisHiemis They think they are so clever. But they are very predictable

[@PeriwinkleB]

No child goes no contact or limited contact for “no reason.” Something had to have happened to said child, something so awful and repetitive that the only choice the child had was to avoid or estrange themselves from said parent.

[@lisac3398]

NC since 2015. My only regret is not doing it 20 years earlier.

[@candypettynettie487]

Same here

[@MikeMiller-bj3ql]

I should have done it as soon as I moved away at 18. I would have saved so much time and grief over the next 20 years, trying to make sense of nonsense and continued scapegoating. Such a sad waste of time and effort for nothing.

[@lisac3398]

@@MikeMiller-bj3ql We are free now.

[@atousmesamis]

@@MikeMiller-bj3qlthis is how i feel. I am 38 and I feel like the past 20 years have been one struggle after another with them.

[@darwin_shrugged]

I didn't announce my going NC, just stopped participating in rugsweeping and pretending everything is fine when it isn't. It wasn't a surprise to see nobody in my family do anything with the new situation... but it still hurts on an emotional level. It legitimizes all the pain I've endured during childhood and even adulthood whenever I came into contact with my family system. There's just so much apathy, a complete lack of awareness, or interest even. I'll say, from having seen the type of parents who continually ignore boundaries and continue to harass and smear their adult child (a friend of mine), I do have it easier on the outside, since I don't have my privacy invaded. But this kind of complete absence of care is ... difficult to process.

[@merylmel]

A very thoughtful comment. I suspect we don't stop processing the trauma of a family narcissist.

[@JeannieLedford-g1o]

I have not seen or spoken to my eldest daughter in four years. It was not my idea. I broke the cycle of physical violence in my family but now I see that physical violence survivors can be toxic emotionally and psychologically. I wish my daughters all the happiness in this world and the very best this life has to offer. I have been to therapy since age 18. I am still broken and am so very sorry.

[@ajrwilde14]

Tell her you're sorry and leave it up to her to choose what she does with it.

[@alexlee9109]

Sorry to hear about your story. You will heal slowly. Read about inner child, childhood trauma, toxic environment, how to increase emotional intelligence,etc. Seems you already accept you are wrong and you are on the right track. Apologise to her in one letter. That’s it. Don’t nagging her to give attention to you. It is one type of manipulation. If she forgives you, behave well, you are not entitled to act like normal mother privilege. Don’t repeat your previous behaviour. If she ignore you, then keep walking, don’t disturbing her. Adopt dogs, cats and do volunteer Good luck.

[@DianeB-ird.]

Much love to you on your journey ❤

[@ThePinkPantha21]

How do you expect a survivor to come out unscathed? My mom thinks she broke cycles too, she actually perpetuated them.

[@1simo93521]

If you have been in therapy since 18 and you are still not better you need a new therapist...

[@Ann2046-mindful]

My parents didn't care about No Contact until I moved away and was no longer forced to be the Caregiver or go to family events. When I moved I tried to re-build a relationship with my mom from a distance. The abuse was worst than ever. The biggest mistake of my life was looking back!

[@saran3214]

Always remember what happened to Lot's wife.

[@351cleavland]

By the time I went no contact, my understanding of its importance superceded ANY concern (worrying) about what they thought. IF you do have this worry, please treat yourself with kindness and understanding and throw in some self-empathy. That's what a loving parent would do FOR YOU!

[@AlexisHiemis]

Thank you! I somehow needed to hear this.

[@imbellaheim]

The best thing I’ve done for my healing journey is to cut all contact with my abusive and toxic mother, and not believe in any more apologies anymore. ❤ I am at such a happy place and I am sending all my best wishes and strength to all childhood abuse survivors, you will rise above it all, you are not alone. You are enough, and have always been enough.

[@DeborahHric]

@@imbellaheim And the best thing I did was to cut all contact with my abusive, toxic daughter.

[@Fauntleroy.]

​@@DeborahHricYou showed us, Deborah.

[@JadeoftheGlade]

My dad always liked Mad Max when i was a kid. I saw the new movie, Furiosa, and liked it a lot... Made me think it'd be really nice if my Dad and i could just go and watch it together, have a nice outing, and... Yeah. I've been torturing myself for the last four weeks, thinking i might call and propose it, but each time I'm reminded why i went no contact in the first place. He's never shown he can treat me with human decency, let alone respect. My magical thinking won't change that.

[@iloveFreedom.]

You write well. I think we are strong if we can treat ourselves and others the way we Wanna parent ourselfs 😂 now I feel like I've left a cult it's taking time. Hope u go see the new Mad Max film

[@indigoigloo]

Kinda poetic bc I think Furiosa the character would very much want you to throw off the chains of abuse. It’s her whole bag.

[@billyb4790]

I know just how you feel. We cling to those little crumbs like golden nuggets.

[@Yoshemo1]

Maybe you could enjoy the movie together. Maybe you could have a nice bonding moment together over it. But then what? Nothing else about him will change. You'll have let the beast back into your life and you'll be right back in the suffering. I've had good times with my dad too and they only make the bad times worse. Because i know what he could be like but chooses not to be.

[@annem7806]

Throw a Mad Max viewing party w friends. Next day have plans for all to meet at the theater for the new movie. Make it special and your own to enjoy. NO more what ifs that lead to disappointment.❤

[@ryuuka1498]

I myself just moved out and went no contact 4 months ago at 26 and its HORRIBLE because while their behavior is exactly how I thought it would be (every single one listed in this video) the constant calls, texts, boundary breaking, stalking, calling my work and university for info and showing up in real life to ambush me and threatening to ruin my life is way too much, especially since when I cut them off, I lost everything, I don't have anymore family or friends and I'm completely alone. Nobody talks about how to deal with that and if they do, it doesn't work

[@sanashams7836]

You might end up worse than before. You need to find an alternate community if you are determined to not see your family again. At least one or two good friends.

[@HFTLH]

You might need to move far enough away that they can't follow you.

[@ddl4374]

Stay Strong. I hope the light and joy comes soon. I wish you ALL THE BLESSINGS ! There is Better for you out there ! Do what feels safest and best to You xo

[@lindalubanga]

The isolation and loneliness you are experiencing now is a gift.A gift of space to grieve, to unlearn the bad programming of who and what you needed to be to be accepted, to work on your healing and most importantly the space provides you the opportunity to redefine who you are and desire to be without any outside opinion and when ready, come out on the other side being confidently unapologetically yourself.

[@cerin59]

Listen to Linda.

[@Teddibob]

I’ve been no contact with my parents since I was in my late 20’s (father) and mid 30’s (mother). I was frequently warned that if something happened to them or they died, I would never have the opportunity to make it better. This year my father committed suicide. He was 85 and I’m 63. I never thought I’d feel guilty about not making another attempt at reconnecting. It turns out, my feelings didn’t change. Of four siblings, and as the oldest, I was the most difficult to find. We were all estranged. “Know it alls” whether professional or casual, don’t know you well enough to give unsolicited advice they expect you to execute on. Know yourself, trust yourself and go no contact if that serves you best.

[@ashleypg1708]

My mother literally stalks me. It's been 3 years and it's exhausting. But I still have way more peace in my life than if she were still in it.

[@RAHHicecream]

Same :( she is no longer a safe person for me. I imagine if I came back around and went to family gatherings, she would poison my food in revenge for the cutoff. I will never contact her again. This is all because of her insane reaction to the space.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Protection From Abuse/Restraining order

[@annie_charcheologist]

I’m 44 now. Sep 2022 I had to buy a house due to increasing rental costs (the rental I was in was sold and new owner increased), after many offers and becoming desperate I stumbled across this house (it wasn’t on the market). I hadn’t planned on buying in this town but my son was starting an apprenticeship and wanted to stay. I didn’t tell anyone but as we got closer to hand over date my sister came to visit and I thought Id take her for a drive by, which turned into a walk through because the owners were home. As soon as mum found out she demanded I take her, I said I’d see as the owners are busy and packing. My mother got the address (I’m guessing my sister gave it to her as it still was not listed) and turned up - the owners weren’t home but she still walked around - walk around a strangers yard. After I moved in she kept turning up unannounced and I found out that she’d been coming over when I’m not home - no text or anything to say they’d been over. I put cameras up. She kept turning up unannounced, uninvited. Prior to moving I was already trying for minimal contact. I ended up yelling I was so fed up with it - I’ve had many polite conversations and texts saying I don’t like people turning up uninvited.this enabled further reducing contact - no contact since Xmas. Last week I was leaving the house, when I got to the end of the block I realised I hadn’t turned the backyard and carport cameras on, so I pulled over - when I finished and looked up, here’s mum and her husband driving down my street. Makes me wonder how many times a week or day they do that. It’s bizarre.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

​@@StephieGsrEvolution I did this!! it genuinely helps. I sent a "cease and desist" letter via a lawyer, detailing the harassment and abuses. so now if they do any of that I have proof to apply for the restraining order

[@ddl4374]

​@@RAHHicecreamsome people really ARE THAT ef fl 16:36 ing Crazy. BE SAFE.

[@amberinthemist7912]

Damn everybody's narc mom is in these comments whining about being cut off for not being perfect. Totally wild!

[@NancyPittman-lc3ey]

I haven't seen any such comments but this is how far t have read

[@ddl4374]

You called it! Bingo! 😂 💯 %!!!

[@HomeFromFarAway]

Ah, just scroll down on some of the longer threads and you'll see them shining some pretty intense #gaslight 😂😂😂

[@Derpy1969]

Abusers never go no contact with their victims. Remember that.

[@skwerlz4us]

I gotta say my abusive father abandoned me when I was 5 or 6. He refused to contact me for 13 yrs. I wrote him off as dead, which really messed me up for life. When he finally called, he said numerous verbally abusive things in under 10 min. I vowed never to speak to him again- which wasn't a problem because he never contacted me again. 15 yrs later, while dying, he told a relative he was "very mad" at me & blamed me for the estrangement. So there are some types of abusers who do their own version of "no contact", albeit a bit different.

[@shadowkestra]

Abusers with personality disorders (such as NPD or BPD) can do this, because it's part of the Idealize-Devalue-and-Discard cycle.

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

There's a woman named Diane who has an Estranged Parent KZbin channel and she ticks almost every box you mentioned! Smear campaigns are definitely another response.

[@NancyPittman-lc3ey]

I saw that.She now runs a paid group for desperate parents.$$$

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

I had to block her channel so it wouldn't come up in my suggested feed.

[@aliceanneacts6164]

I’ve only see her in reaction videos by a mental health KZbinr. OMG. She is almost a cartoon.

[@marias3786]

I really can’t put into words HOW useful and important a no contact video is to me right now, THANK YOU for your presence here ❤️❤️❤️

[@Helena.E.M]

I literally had all the guilting last words listed hurled at me in my last encounter with them. 'Everything we've ever done we've done for you', 'I'm the worst father in the world, then', and 'I'm devastated by what you've done', were in their repertoire. And my Dad has a massive F my life vibe running through him like a stick of rock. This was really helpful, thank you.

[@stevenhowe6677]

I will be getting all that stuff BUT I've no real idea WHAT they are saying as I've gone NO CONTACT. Even IF any of my family show up at my door I wont answer, if they write a letter [not happened yet] I will rip it up without reading it. I block their calls and attempts to 'hoover' I am working towards [trying to] a state of total ambivalence haha BUT I still have a bit of work to do like stopping visiting these clips for one :) The yearning to know what they are saying, I must admit, is there, the need to defend myself is also there BUT I KNOW the best course of action is to NOT CARE and in time I hope to achieve this. I KNOW in time my personal Narcissist AND his flying co dependant monkeys WILL self destruct, I don't need to see it, I am ambivalent remember haha and I think that's the final battle, stopping the rumination and moving forward in so many ways.

[@romi2276]

They do not seem to care a lot. No reaction exept a hoover from my mother now and then when my brother is drinking again and she wants a scapegoat a target for my fathers anger. First I fell for it... not any longer but it still hurts... All the best from Hamburg!

[@reginarainer9740]

A friend of mine went NC with her parents around 10 years ago. For months they would show up multiple times a week trying to get information about her. They abruptly stopped when I told them that I didn’t talk about them to her at all and was never going to. It was so painfully clear that they were just trying to hurt her more through me.

[@Galworld761]

My therapist is the reason I still talk to my mom. I was taught the tools to communicate and enforce boundaries. Saved my mental health and allowed me to put her and her behavior in a small compartment within the context of a rich life I have built.

[@mrshouse5114]

As always, you've hit the nail on the head! We experienced and heard of a degree of most of these from my sister, stepfather, and mother when we were setting boundaries. The reactions required increasing boundaries over about a year or so until we finally chose to go no contact. The erosion of my mental and emotional health, and the safety concerns for our children, made that hard decision necessary. It has been so challenging and so healing in many, many ways. These truth telling videos are very helpful. They expose these hidden interactions which renders their manipulations more powerless. Thanks so much!

[@annie_charcheologist]

You’re spot on! I was originally distancing so I could work through the past trauma (mostly childhood) but there was so much going on in real time that confirmed my theories on the family, dynamics etc and trying to create some space was not respected, along with doing research and f/t study and being constantly interrupted, that felt like deliberate efforts to sabotage my study. All of their behaviour got increasingly worse to overt abuse, yelling, name-calling, stalking etc - I can only imagine the smear campaign because I’ve seen them do this my whole life with others. My sister has been the biggest surprise, the most unsafe, abusive and realising that’s always been the case, I was just so subjugated and the family was worse than I’d originally thought - I thought it was simply their psycho alcoholic violent ex partners but they were merely temporary scapegoats acting as distractions and I believe were actually doing their bidding. Our father was diagnosed and died thru this - his abuse got worse that I didn’t speak to him in those final months. Their reactions (which is increased abuse tactics) require more boundaries, now I’m no contact - although I haven’t blocked anyone, I just refuse to respond.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

the ongoing harassment mostly ended when I sent my mother and sister a letter via a lawyer called a "cease and desist" It's one step away from a restraining order. now if they do any of that it becomes proof in support of the restraining order, should I choose to get one. Taking power back is profound

[@fiamedknuff]

I have taken in a young adult escaping from toxic parents. I picked her up at the other side of the country and brought her to my home. She made it clear in an email to them that she didn't want them to attempt to contact her. Yet, they did just that. After a week they sent the cops to my doorstep. A week later they showed up themselves unannounced at my doorstep demanding to speak with her. I have to go outside and confront them and tell them to leave. The only thing they accomplished was to strengthened her resolve to remain no contact forever.

[@AmenMama-qe4sq]

I grew up in a horribly abusive family. I made them my mission field for 30 years and just kept forgiving. Finally at age 49 I woke up. I was about to be 50 and I couldn’t do it anymore. I wrote a very clarifying 8 page letter. I left no stone unturned. Their response? Stop criticizing us, just come to our funeral, and you’ll get your inheritance. It completely validated my decision. I’ve never looked back. And honestly, I feel sorry for them. It’s sad.

[@black_sheep_nation]

My father did all this. Over and over again. But it was only to make his own narcissistic self feel better. Once I was back in, he was abusing me again, back stabbing. I've not spoken to him in 4 years. He's 85. I say good riddance. They don't get any better, folks. They only get more diabolical.

[@lynntwitty1462]

I have just endured the most vicious 2 months with my 89 year old mother. I kept thinking she would die and that would be my no contact. I am done. I appreciate where you are coming from with your 85 year old. I can't tough it out anymore.

[@kenbasil1996]

Give or take, almost every behavior of my estranged parent lol. Most people I know who estrange, including myself, have spent their entire lives trying to communicate to their toxic parents about their hurtful behavior. 100% of the time, the parent dismisses and ignores and treats us like we're neo-adults, never quite fully grown people, permanently in a limbo of being unformed children to them. And because they do not respect children's agency, or believe in their ability to think for themselves and foment their own opinions and know their own needs, they continue to disrespect you into adulthood. No contact was my last resort, and only once I had finally accepted for myself that I would have a better, happier, more peaceful life on my own. I have one life to live, I care how I am treated in this life, and if I do not matter to my parents then I must matter to myself.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

It's pretty telling that none of the trolls have read and commented on this. It's like they cannot look in the mirror so they come here to attack people who resemble their own victims

[@andreahenley968]

They say the black sheep is the only one who lives in reality.

[@cupcaketv5673]

I appreciate that I have a pretty good relationship with my dad. I can talk to him about lots of things, including psychological topics. When I once told him I wanted to go low or maybe no contact with my mother, he fully understood and even said, "Even if you wanna cut off / lower contact with me, I'd understand. You're an adult now, our job is done for the most part. What matters most is that you're healthy and happy." I'm glad to have him. It's hard to imagine having two parents where low / no contact is the best option, I know one is already hard. You're all very strong and doing great, I'm proud of you 🍀

[@alexlee9109]

You are lucky to have good understanding father. Tell him that you will be there for your dad when he cut off you narcissistic mother too, even after you cut off both. Your narcissistic mother will pressure him to destroy your relationship with dad sooner or later.

[@MeganBaruck]

My parents called the police and reported me missing. They then posted on Facebook that I was mentally unwell and had my entire community believing that I had committed suicide. Months later, I am doing better now than I have ever been while in contact with them. Even if your parents react adversely, have faith that those that truly love you will be there for you, and from one abuse survivor to another - I am so happy that you made decision, and I am so so excited for you to finally be free from it all

[@aura420.]

Thanks to my narcissistic sociopath mother I have been numerous times hospitalized to the point where I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. Since no contact has been 2 years. Iam starting to have more better days now, I know its a process that goes slowly but surely. I feel so validated here reading comments,

[@cmbOz7]

I want to thank every single person in this comment section for making me feel validated. I thought I was alone. 🙏

[@suzannec.4677]

Patrick - You're the best! I love your videos. I went no contact back in 1988 and there was nobody talking about this then. It was pre-internet and pre-social media. It's just amazing to me how clearly you get it. You're teaching is invaluable and it supports me, these many years later. Love 💙💜💙

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Wow! 1999 for me! So true how helpful and validating these are! ❤️‍🩹

[@xYSarenArteriusxY]

I went NC about five years. My mother reacted with the aggressive contact attempts. I had to block her on everything and several of my friends blocked her as well because of how harassing it was. Thankfully this was during COVID so neither one tried to drop by and surprise me and I've moved several times since then. I saw them during a family funeral a year or two after NC and was told that I was dead to them because I insisted in maintaining no contact and would not entertain their "let's pretend everything's ok! Let me hold your hand in public and trick you into family pictures!". I didn't react to it but family members, who are aware of everything, continue to try and get me to be the "bigger person" because "you know how they are".

[@simplyixia3683]

Let me get this straight, they are trying to punish you by *checks notes* adhering to your wishes of no contact by pretending you’re dead? Sounds like a win to me.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I sent my mother and sister a letter via a lawyer called a "cease and desist" letter. It's one step away from a restraining order. now if they do any of that harrassing stuff, it becomes proof in support of the restraining order, should I choose to get one. Taking power back is profound

[@ddl4374]

🤮

[@ddl4374]

​@@simplyixia3683😁

[@MelissaMayhem99]

I was told college ruined me and it was to blame for my "newfound ideas" about healthy relationships 🤦‍♀️

[@bearsendproductions1843]

Well college probably turned you into a liberal and a debt slave

[@jackwilson9195]

This video hit hard, because of my lifelong relationship with a parent and what is happening in real time currently. So much of this applies, are things I've thought almost word for word, or are things that I very much needed to hear right now. I know now my not reacting to it, hard as it is, is my best strategy. I am going to seek out more info at your link, but this relatively brief video really helped me today in a real state of crisis. Thank you so much for making it and sending it out to people who may need it.

[@mapleext]

I understand your position. It’s very hard.

[@throttle4593]

I was estranged from my father for about 20 years until he died of C-19 during the epidemic. I didn't really have feelings about it one way or the other for a long time, but since he passed, some shame and regret. I still feel like there was no other option for me. Trying to see him now as a very damaged person and have developed some sympathy for him. Forgiveness is taking longer but starting to feel it.

[@1simo93521]

It's hard to forgive someone who's never apologised.

[@bettylougreen6987]

My parents were cruel and they tried to make everyone hate me. I had no idea this was somewhat normal. I feel so much less alone because this information is now available for others to see. Their cruelty extended beyond their lives as I had to sign papers in order for my sister to inherit everything. I was also not mentioned in their obituaries. That actually felt okay. I stayed silent for decades and didn’t respond to any attacks. It was painful to be attacked even after going no contact but I was able to build a safe life . Please keep publishing this information because most of my therapists never understood what I was going through. Some of them even believed my parents were simply upset by my behavior.

[@sarahs472]

Great video, my situation is with one dramatic self-absorbed parent and one codependent/enabling parent, though they were both abusive and neglectful when I was a child. After years of therapy I had a PTSD breakthrough and disclosed that I had remembered CSA, which my mother completely denied was possible before she told me "Have a nice life - I won't be in it." Literally in the same conversation. Not that I blamed *her* for any of it. I realized that I had a mandatory role to play in my family and everyone (siblings included) got very upset when I couldn't put that smiling mask on anymore. After that, when I'd be around my family I'd basically lose control of my body, falling back into the role of taking care of everyone else. My true self hides away when I'm with them, and they have no interest in who I have become.

[@wen6519]

Dude, are we the same people from parallel universes? Except I never confronted them on the CSA. Because I know I physically can't take it. You were so brave.

[@rastamuff1]

Yes, having to edit yourself and compromise who your truly are at your core is no picnic. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope you are ok. X 😊

[@mixrouse_]

You have to talk about codependency, its such a big part of cptsd and many of us don't even realize that is codependency what is getting in the way of finding our individuality 😢 i know you have videos talking about it but we need a Q&A

[@marlenaeva3813]

I went no contact once and there was radio silence right after that. In the past, them being silent after NC was hurtful, yes but now it is not. I have done so much work on myself that them not reacting to my NC will only be a relief. You will find it hurtful if you still expect them to care and change. Narcissistic parents will not change. My experience of going back into a relationship with them after a long NC proves that they are even worse and more hurtful with age. Accept that they were not your parents but your roommates growing up. You had to parent yourself. NC is like self-parenting, it's an act of love. Thanks for this video.

[@alexlee9109]

Good for you. I like your way of thinking roommates. Your thinking is mature and you have grown well self parenting your inner child. Proud of you.

[@warchikk]

NC with FOO since 2021. I've fully deleted my Facebook account (which I'd had since 2008), changed my phone number and asked my postal carrier to throw out all postcards without delivering them. I luckily live 6 hours away from my mother so she's never driven to my house. My brother has shown up unannounced though, I refused to see him, my friend talked to him. He told her my dad was having health problems and maybe i should call him before he dies. "I havent slept in 6 months, enjoy the strawberry preserves." Patrick you have a gift for clarity when you explain these behaviours! I got at least one of each from my three immediate family members. I'm glad I've been able to stick to my guns, but it has been very hard at times. I'm finally starting to feel better about it more often than not.

[@carlyar5281]

Talk about timing. My husband is dealing with what to do about his parents and them constantly triggering him. It’s negatively affecting the entire family (him, me and our kids). Just 2 hours ago I told him that whatever he chooses I support him. Part of me wants him to go no- contact, but it’s his choice. I expect some of these, especially #4 &#7, so this is very timely. Thank you!

[@barbaracastle1690]

My husband was similarly affected by his thrice wed mother for years (his father passed away when my husband was 21). He first went no contact in his early 40s for a few years and reconnected when she was divorcing her third husband. Contact lasted for a few years and then he went no contact at roughly age 53 until he passed away at 64. Those no contact years were so calm and peaceful. Examples of her behavior were insisting on seeing him in the hospital when he had specifically said she could not, stopping her car in front of our house when she saw him going out to the mailbox, telling her other son something so that his brother didn’t stay in touch with us, sending MY parents (they stayed out of it all) a Christmas card, calling me to try to get me to change his mind, oh, and who knows what she told the people at her church and the woman from my job who took her to church. After he died, I contacted my brother-in-law to let her know and invite her to his memorial. Soon after the memorial, I remembered how I always felt around her and followed up as NC for myself. My input: when someone goes no contact, it’s usually for their own health and well-being. We were so much happier when we were NC. Hoping your husband does what’s best for his and your family’s health and well-being.

[@ArielRosie]

When I went no contact, my mom told the entire family I was going through a psychotic episode........ and everyone ignored me.

[@stephaniemessina6259]

I like to dream up all the stories they must be telling the family and laugh bc I'm far away living my best life and their drowning in a pit of their own lies. They can have their stories, I'll take my happiness, thank youuuu

[@renw426]

I have been 'no contact' with my mother for 7 years and only stayed in contact with my father. She was always a no. 2 - radio silence. When my father health drastically deteriorated, I connected with her because I felt that was the time. I supported her by being the care taker of my dad. After his passing, I kept my contact with her through calling since we reside in different states. She didn't seem like or want to engage in conversations with me so they were always the same and short. Very soon, she made an extortionate request (not surprised by me) that I had to go 'no contact'. And it's about one year now, radio silence. I have no relationship with my extended family members and this is on me. I am always the bad child, even my husband feels that I should contact her. I had to explain or reiterate I don't want to contact and leave it as that. My husband actually blocked her and refused to talk or see her anymore. Thank you for reading.

[@ddl4374]

I'm soo grateful my life partner is the opposite. He never should me and recognizes sickening abuse and is so appalled that there not only is no remorse there is no admitting and there is Huge rewriting of history with the abuse partners Always the superstars and the kids bad disappointing worthless loser jerks. His position is with no truth all lies, what relationship IS there? NO Right to Anything when that bs is what you are committed to offering !

[@fridge3489]

I went no contact, then years later decided to try SOME contact: just phone calls. Fast forward a couple of more years and I see it doesn't work. I'm called a childish screw-up by my sibling, who's on her side. But I'm not the one who refuses to be held accountable and keeps pushing that toxicity. I'm the one who is doing something that is extremely difficult, all alone, but it's something right. I'm grateful that there's a community of people with advice and vindication. I know it's not just me going crazy. Someone even said that I seem more stable since I moved far away from her. It's like breaking out of a CULT. It's taking the red pill. And, for me, people around me are baffled by my behaviour. Instead of support or at least understanding, they point their fingers. But what's my alternative? This is why, for me, it's basically a solo fight against an army. But hey. So be it.

[@josephineshort6494]

@fridge3489 "but it's something right." play this for one for yourself ... kzbin.info/www/bejne/jX6TdYKEp7d4os0si=CNi-tIC4WS8YMsYl ...and when or if you think that its wrong to be you... play "never letting go"... for yourself too....

[@AnitaCripps]

The most hurtful part is when extended family never ask WHY. They will be silent, or they will express how hurt the parent is. But not one single person ASKED WHY. And just like that they picked a side and the entire family was lost in one action. Leaving a child feeling orphaned because they protected themselves from further abuse. Its messed up.

[@mademsoisellerhapsody]

Because they don’t want to lose possible inheritance.

[@thenewyorkcitizen]

My mother has been excommunicated from my family. I cut her off before everyone else. I wrote a letter last summer to my mother telling her how specific situations made me feel and wanted to know why she did these things; I got the sound of crickets. Nothing. It's just sad.

[@Bronte866]

I hope you won’t put yourself through that again. I spent years trying to get my parents to a take responsibility. It was the biggest waste of my limited energy in my entire life. Even on his death bed my father denied all responsibility. I wished I had never come to the death bed for all sorts of reasons. I wouldn’t be allowed to say here what he did to me. And my mother was far worse.

[@Chibi_Sashi]

My Christian mother blames all of my “issues” on a Buddha ornament in the yard of the house I’m renting instead of taking any form of accountability.

[@sanashams7836]

She does not have the mental and emotional capacity to grasp what you are trying to do. And, like 99.99% of parents, she did not intentionally hurt you. I know it does not feel that way. You were trying to make her see or acknowledge all the harm she did to you. You wanted to have your day in court. Won't ever happen. Only thing you can do is heal and then be a source of mercy to your parents. That is the only thing that will bring you peace.

[@rastamuff1]

@@Chibi_SashiI’m speechless 😮

[@AlexisHiemis]

@@sanashams7836 For some people that may be the case. I have been a source of mercy for my parents for a while. It doesn't matter. They are not changing even when I'm being gentle and telling them how I want to be treated. They are never taking responsebility. And it's not helping me heal, it's just producing new wounds that I don't retaliate for because I'm not an abuser myself. At this point, I'm stopping, forever. No one is responsible to handle their parents just because they are the parents. They had their chance, they blew it.

[@samanthap.879]

My parents think I’m the bad guy and when I cut contact I apologized and said I was so toxic and getting help to not further hurt them. I manipulated the manipulators to get the hell away.

[@athenapromachos3027]

Ha! I should pull that one with my girlfriend and I, my parents won't let us alone.

[@crystalcole888]

I went no contact twice. The first time about 15 years ago and again almost 10 years later after they invited me back into the family when my grandmother was dying. I went back to say goodbye to my grandmother. She deserved me going no contact with her, but I allowed her to see me before she passed. The other members of the family tried to get me back so that I could support them financially, and with my labor. Essentially they were looking for someone to take care of them in their old age. And they knew how well I took care of my mother, even if they lied about it to everyone. I said goodbye to my grandmother before she passed, I explained nothing to them, and then I went no contact again. They didn't deserve an explanation, or anything else from me. They are predatory, parasitic, abusive, and now they are stuck with each other. Good.

[@fillistine]

I have gone no contact since 2019. Best thing ever