Is It a Fantasy to Hope for Relationship Repair?

Hello. Thanks for checking out my KZbin channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Is It a Fantasy to Hope for Relationship Repair?
Podcast Ep. 003: Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge
In Episode 003, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, answers the question, "Is it a fantasy to hope for relationship repair?"
All questions for Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge come from members of the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, where we Learn how to create more secure, meaningful, emotional connections.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Is It a Fantasy to Hope for Relationship Repair?

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@LinYouToo]

3:40 as a child I yearned for this...instead I hid under the bed and in the back of my closet. I’m 56 now and years into therapy and realize the abusive family system I was in wasn’t mine to shoulder. No one checked in with me. Relating but not relating. It took a very attuned therapist to help me unpack my baggage in order to begin to understand what happened to me. Thank God. I’m no where near the end of my journey but also nowhere near who I used to be.

[@jerimipaul3821]

"Just observe the interaction. That’s it. That’s the relationship that you have." So much food for thought. "The Britney Spears School of Therapeutic Intervention" is fantastic.

[@tbo2120]

J PB yeah this is spot on!

[@jjcoll4088]

This is exactly what I'm dealing with. The relationship has been over a month now and he clearly said he does not wish to continue. And he didn't respond to my last text. I get it, it's over but I still had this quiet hope. I now know I'm delusional to think he would ever come back. Sigh.

[@LinYouToo]

20:08 👍 yep. Oh the feeling when my own mother realized the old me was gone for good. I’d had enough of being the parentified child. Time for everyone else to grow up. Freedom is a beautiful thing!

[@ayanjoemusic]

I recently had a (successful) conflict with my partner about how to move forward with relating to each other, and our emotional needs. I feel much closer to her, and she said that too, to me. It feels like one of so many milestones because I could see that both of us are sincerely wanting to invest in the relationship. And this is coming from a guy who second guesses every relationship I have ever had....but with her, things are a bit different. Honest. Sometimes messy, but it is mostly very enriching and stable. Thank you for the wonderful video, Alan.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I see this video inspired some reflection for you. It sounds like you value learning about relationship skills. Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work.

[@penelopelambson9128]

As always, extremely helpful and clear. Cracking open the darkness and confusion to allow in light and understanding. Although this video is not about narcissists, it helps me further understand why relationship repair is virtually impossible with a someone with NPD. The narcissist twists and distorts the partners perception of "reality, data, and evidence", creating a paralysis of confusion. Any moments of "clarity " that occur are quickly clouded and banished through the narcissists distortion and twisting of facts, data, etc , in an effort to validate and protect his own delusions. A narcissist works against you with confusion instead of with you to find the clarity that is necessary to assess the relationship honestly. This was another important piece of the narcissist puzzle for me. Many thanks.

[@dawnacoxon3111]

That was really great insight and so very right on!

[@activedreamr]

Another really great on-target, accessible, compassionate yet tough, hopeful yet realistic video. Thanks Alan!

[@tbo2120]

Jen Maidenberg he’s spot on. Best ‘coach’ on KZbin

[@BrandyColmer]

Thanks Alan, that was really helpful.

[@mandaloolux9216]

Oh I just think you are incredible Alan. Thank you for your videos. Sometimes I ignore the reality of the past and hope someone will magically be different but things just don't work that way. I want what you're describing. I want real connection and real relationships. I experienced a relationship that ended up being garbage. We don't even talk anymore and can't be friends. Surreal... Feels like the last 23yrs was a weird dream that turned out badly...

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Mandaloolu, I am glad this material is helpful. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Christina-Christina.056]

So very helpful and insightful. ThankYou.

[@peach-ls5uk]

go on spotify!

[@MrBigfoo4]

I am sharing this, via, great and informative “you tube” video I have ever pumped into by chance. Early in the morning, WoW! Sir, you have assisted me in my growth, just listening to the entire video. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is a non racial, non religious, non sex but humanize the problem of relationships of two people. God Bless you !

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

MiSterB Wha, I am glad this material is helpful for you. We are all humans learning. Thanks for the reflection.

[@danahinson8212]

Another spot on video!

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

This is amazingly helpful. I especially like the part about reviewing the data and facts of past behaviors. I tend to get forgetful optimism and loop right back into fantasy that is disguised as hope. It’s like hoping the sky would change color. Possible? Maybe. Anything is possible. Probable? No! Thanks for sharing this invaluable insight.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind words. Glad this video sparked reflection for you. We cannot talk about fantasy relating enough. These dynamics come up in our conversation's in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@terr1]

Thank you for your abundant wisdom & the ability to convey it. I'm no longer wanting a one sided dance & want reciprocation . Thanks for giving me the words to put to my experience. Grateful 💐

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video speaks to you. No more one-sided dance, I hear you. If you like this video then you're also invited to join us in our conversations on topics like this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@GMH9765]

Wow, this one is brutal. My relationship is already over for 3 months now, but I still have hope that if we both handle our stuf, then MAYBE some day.... But listening to this and how it was the last 6 months of our otherwise amazing 4,5 year relationship and hearing the questions about if both partners had the same commitment to change our dynamic, and also at the end about the reaching out, killed me. For my ex was not doing either... Now, he was/is burnt out and has quit his job, but now THAT still gives me hope, although in all honesty I know that right now all his attention is on recuperating, and not on repairing the relationship. Still so heartbroken and devestated.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

GM H, empathy for your devastation. Many of us can relate to this. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@rhondafrederick4049]

I love these videos. I wish I'd found them a month or two ago

[@johnhoxie7769]

Yes, I have been in a one sided relationship with a lady who sadly was "ignored". I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Wish I had found Alan years ago but thankful to have found him now in my time of greatest need..

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

John, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Aufwiedersin]

Alan the last thing that keep me strong is that fake hope, I am not ready to destroy it I will watch it later :)

[@LinYouToo]

10:15 I thought my parents were godly when I was a child. Boy oh boy how wrong I was.

[@LinYouToo]

13:06 moved on from my best friendship from kindergarten....one of the best things I ever did for myself. Three years ago...could no longer deny the evidence once I removed my rose colored glasses.

[@dawnacoxon3111]

Yeah those glasses they create quite the delusional vision! I have recently removed mine as well along with quite a few people that were not good for me or to me.

[@annehedelius7758]

Fantastic insights!

[@penelopelambson9128]

Excellent

[@LinYouToo]

17:05 what a great question to ask a date 😬

[@chilloften]

True, what book are they reading or training about relating. Any effect exerted?! Any care in bettering?

[@mathews0618]

Yes. They used to open the door to yell at me. I used to be terrified and full of anxiety when they opened my door. Even passing by the door

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear this is/was emotionally challenging. One day at a time. Take care of yourself.

[@bladerubber]

For me I feel it must be a re enactment. Trying to 'fix' the faternal abandonment, both physically & emotionally. The ' hope' & endurance is the expression of the deep desire. But it don't work! Cos I already picked an adult incapable of meeting my need to be recognised as worth something!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

The Flying Squirrels, there are many insights in your comment. Yes, many of us can relate to this. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@dawnacoxon3111]

Well if that wasn’t spot the Frick on! And it doesn’t work because the partner you picked that is in capable of meeting your need to be worth something is a pattern match of the emotionally unavailable original wound maker. I am matching with no one but me at the moment. Getting to deeply fill my own needs and see my own self and realize my own worth.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Did another repeat of this. Always learn something new each time. This one : the other may be offering something but it’s not what you need or want. That’s legitimate. Then you know this is not the relationship for you. This kind of brings up the idea of love languages.. finding your partners language and providing it for them. I’ve always wondered about this.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Penelope, I am glad you are able to watch these videos repeatedly and continue to learn from them. Please consider supporting the ongoing creation of them by checking out my Sustaining Supporter page where you can commit to a donation for my channel. Glad you like my videos. New content and new videos are in the works. Thanks for the comment. www.alanrobarge.com/donate

[@LinYouToo]

18:50 hope is not a strategy

[@Cameron-qm6yp]

Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome.

[@LinYouToo]

My brother was predatory. I think God decided to spare me from further trauma by calling him home in 1981.

[@pomeerfree8780]

11:30

[@pomeerfree8780]

12:33

[@jackrock1313]

👍👍👍

[@joannegild8001]

No, its not fantasy. It can happen. His childhood issues are so deeply buried in his unconscious that I realize he cannot access them, ever. So I don’t expect him to change that particular behavior, but I can let it go.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for reflecting.

[@Sv-Coach409]

❤🦋...