If You Want To BUILD SEXUAL DESIRE In A Relationship WATCH THIS! | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes

lewishowes.com/gmyo - Get my NEW book The Greatness Mindset today!
lewishowes.com/greatnessdeliv... - Sign up for my FREE newsletter & get a dose of inspiration from our world-class guests, learn how to improve your life!
Download podcast episodes a week early! www.lewishowes.com/pod
Thank you for Watching this powerful interview with Esther Perel! New Interviews with the World's GREATEST Entrepreneurs, CEO's, Authors, and Minds will be posted every day!
-----
Show notes: lewishowes.com/285
-----
Yes, we are talking about relationships again on The School of Greatness.
Partly because I love learning as much as possible about how to create and maintain healthy, amazing relationships (and I need a lot of coaching in my love life). But partly because I heard today’s guest speaker at Summit at Sea in November and I knew I had to have her on the podcast.
Esther Perel is a world-renowned relationship therapist, bestselling author, and sought-after speaker who has focused her career on exploring the role of sex and eroticism in making and breaking intimate relationships. She has an incredible world-view of relationships in many different cultures, which has allowed her to see what works and what doesn’t on a bigger level.
I asked her a ton of questions in our interview and she had answers. You may already have set ideas about what intimate relationships should look like, but I know you’ll get some new perspective from listening to this interview. Get ready to get vulnerable with yourself as you take a look at your relationships in Episode 285 with Esther Perel.
Time Stamps:
1:44 Esther speaks on her Family's history and struggles
7:01 Esther speaks on her Inspiration for her book/ Clinton Scandal
12:04 What goes wrong in relationships?
17:47 The History behind sexuality and desire
20:48 How to keep desire in a relationship
25:51 Experience love and desire at the same time
29:10 How to keep a relationship strong
34:55 History of Marriage
38:04 4 Pillars in Modern Relationships
40:20 Modern Love: Tradition and Innovation
43:02 Couples Retreat
44:57 Divorce: Take Away the Concept of Failure
51:46 LAT: Living Apart Together
53:10 Monogamy is the new frontier
58:51 Era of fulfillment and personal happiness
1:00:53 Choose Your Partner
1:03:20 How to Have a Thriving Relationship
1:06:46 Final Questions
-----
You can follow Esther:
www.estherperel.com/
/ esther.perel
/ estherperel
/ estherperelofficial
-----
You can Follow Lewis here:
Website: lewishowes.com/
Facebook: / lewishowes
Twitter: / lewishowes
Instagram: / lewishowes
TokTok: / lewis
-----
Lewis Howes' New Book - The Mask of Masculinity
lewishowes.com/man
-----
Lewis Howes is a NY Times Bestselling author, entrepreneur, and former professional Arena League football player. He hosts The School of Greatness, a talk show distributed as a podcast. Learn and hear the stories of various successful people around the world, become inspired, motivated and educated with the SCHOOL OF GREATNESS. lewishowes.com/book
You can follow me at:
Website: lewishowes.com/
Facebook: / lewishowes
Twitter: / lewishowes
Instagram: / lewishowes
Tiktok: / lewis
Linkedin: / lewishowes

[@Maadhawk]

My parents have been married 38 years now as of this year. There was a time, when I was 12, when they almost got divorced. My father saw it through and eventually convinced my mother to not give up. One change I saw from my father after that was he would take her on dates 2-3 times a month from then on. Nothing fancy mind you, but he always made sure she was never ignored or just part of the household scenery.

[@alaalfa8839]

Well I watched czech comedy of 1971 now during the crisis......There was this theme 3 generations living in the house (that they build up together) middle aged mom, dad, 2 grown up daughters, and one daugher was married, living there with husband and two boys, second daghter was going to marry, and great grandma.....They all lived in house because they thought its modern.....this 3 guys middleaged father, two son in laws were lazy in household, and so the father and son in law taught the new husband (son in law) how to be lazy as well.......They said You cant say to your wife that men dont clean up the dishes...He replied to them You dont clean dishes either. They said: Because we never refused to do it. You always have to say oposite of what yourealy think.....You have to say I want to help you to clean the dishes, my mom never allowed me to do it , she was always nervous and I dont know why....Then you will play with the beautiful decorative dishes, in your hands...She will say please some take the dishes from him, he will destroy it....I will rather do it myself......Second advice is "passive resistance"...You will sleep on the couch, she will come to you and say "Peter, we have to order the stuff, ....." He: "What? (sleep position)....She: "Peter, we have to order the stuff.....He: "Hmm... put the stuff.... She: "No... Order them".....Ohhhh I will do it myself." :)))) They were teaching him how to not do anything, and pretending that they are clumsy. but without refusing it or withought fighting with her..or the guy was always reading the newspapers so he pretwended that he didnt hear conversations. I dont jknow how they could build the house with this attitude. I wonder how many marriages were arguing after watching this comedy and their tips of passive resistance.

[@kimgordon3695]

ThankYou sweetheart for sharing

[@kimgordon3695]

@@alaalfa8839 that's actually programming

[@ilikeblackberries]

That's so awesome!! 😊

[@Maadhawk]

@Janice Brown Thank you.

[@physiotherapistpaulina9340]

I love how she says our partners don't "owe" us anything, and that we are " replaceable". It's a reality check. I think it is so important to look at yourself, understand your joy is up to you and not your partner. Our partner cannot fulfill all our needs. Thanks for posting this. She's brilliant.

[@tonytriip2]

Are you married? Because when 2 marry, they think they have found the person who gives joy and fulfillment (even of our needs). Otherwise what's the point of getting married?

[@physiotherapistpaulina9340]

@@tonytriip2 24 years of marriage if that matters to you.

[@grproteus]

So, if you get sick, your partner should just let you die. You are replaceable. Modern marriage 101.

[@TomC591]

Humans arent monogamous by nature. We pick multiple partners througout our life, sticking to one at a time is what we call monogamous, but monogamous animals stick to a partner for life. Additionally, your desire for other sexual partners already wouldnt make any biological sense if we were mongamous. Lastly, there are tribes in the south pacific that treat children as community born, not family born, which is reflective of their mating behavior - anything goes. She doesnt make it up when she states we arent monogamous. That does not mean anyone should or should not be exclusive (note choice of words, monogamous and exclusive are not the same). It just means we are not born monogamous, or with a natural drive to exclusiveness.

[@MrExpert23]

well you're quite right, but fact that partner cannot fulfill all the needs shouldnt be a big problem, i mean, yes there is a minimum to be fulfilled, here i think each party should define what are the most important things couple should agree on to bring and complete, e.g affection, money budgeting and spending, sex, travel...etc, the rest can be handled later. that's how i see things, otherwise, one will quit quickly :)

[@sarahakines627]

I watch her videos whenever i feel off. Her voice, her insight, her wisdom. I feel somehow parented and loved by her even from afar or through a screen. Shes such a gift to this world!

[@CarolinHauser]

That's awesome!

[@Mrscheckthisout777]

Yes!

[@badgerlife9541]

I imagine her being my internet Mom and Jordan B Peterson being my internet Dad 🥰

[@richardpauly1635]

Your a very pretty woman I bet your married or is very happy 😊

[@sarahakines627]

@@badgerlife9541 ommmggg same. Ive been binging Jordan B Peterson podcasts recently. 💜💜

[@DTHUNDERDK]

This is so deep. After 23 years with the same woman and now divorced, I see everything clear. But nevertheless she actually pushed me away. She wanted "more" happiness and thoughts she would find better. Maybe she has. But we were great together. I definitely didn't fight enough because my happiness was depending on her lovning me. I lost my way. I still remember the exact moment when I felt "this marriage is over. She has no more desire or attraction for me anymore" and it broke my heart and changed me. I lived in fear of losing her until it happened. self-fulfilling prophecy.

[@SzerenM]

I'm so sorry.

[@mariaguild2024]

So Sorry!!..Its hard to not live with that fear.I think many of us do.

[@Thelovelykayla]

We all have similar negative thoughts at some point. When this happens, I try to put things in place to remind myself of the outcome I want, rather than the outcome I don’t want. Hope you’re somewhere now happy & thriving.

[@crystalthow5533]

When the " love " is gone, there is nothing left which you could do. When her heart is not with you anymore, let her go

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

You deserve love ❤️

[@orangeorchid9067]

"There are lots of people you can love, and there's only a few you can make a life with and they're not always the same" = Goosebumps

[@Theupgradeguy]

YES! That line really stuck with me.

[@kimgordon3695]

Wow isn't this the Acknowledgement

[@kimgordon3695]

"There is no such connection"

[@kimgordon3695]

Desire is ABOUT not needing You~

[@kimgordon3695]

yes goosebumps

[@efortune357]

Love this quote 58:15 “Monogamy is a practice. We are not by nature, biologically, evolutionarily monogamous. It’s a practice. It’s a choice. And monogamy is a continuum. You have mind. You have fantasy. You have memory. You have a lot of things. At what point do we become nonmonogamous? Where does nonmonogamy start? And all of these concepts are fluid concepts today. There is just no way to define it like that. So we make our choices. And we make compromises. And we sometimes don’t just do what we want. And we often need to think about the consequences of our actions. And we need to think about the larger picture and something maybe perfectly desirable for tonight may not be worth it for the next weeks and the next years. And I think that in the era of self-fulfillment and the right to happiness, we don’t have more desires today than the previous generations. We just feel more entitled to fulfill our desires. And we feel that we have a right to be happy. The greatest switch is from a social organization in which I think about the well-being of others, collectivist thinking thinks about the well-being of others and I sacrifice my own individual needs for the well-being of others to the other side of the continuum is I have a right to pursue my individual needs and the others will have to adapt to it. And I think that we are a little bit on the extreme end of the other side at this point. We really take ourselves a little very seriously. And sometimes at a detriment to other people to whom we do have an obligation and a commitment to. Not just our partners, the world. “So where should we be? Somewhere in the middle you think?” In an examined state. I don’t know that it’s always in the middle but in an examined state. In a state that doesn’t just say what I like, what I feel, that fact that I have options doesn’t mean I have to exercise all these options. The problem of consumer life is that we don’t know any more how to make choices. Same with the cereals in the super market. Why would it be better with love? So I could get better. I could get better. I’m a victim of FOMO. How do I know this is the best? No, you don’t. When do I find the best? No, you don’t. You don’t find your partner. You choose your partner. It’s very different. If you think you’re going to find somebody who is the person who is going to make you stop looking, it doesn’t work this way. No, it doesn’t. Because at some point your inner rumblings will start up again and … You know, It’s like you just say this is it. This is where I decide to put my roots at this moment and I’m going to try to deepen them. I think we are all living with paradoxes of choice. From which phone I get. But we cannot commodify a partner and just beta test a partner and beta test the relationship and check out to see is it good enough or can I find better. Yes, the fact is you could find other. I’m not sure it would be better. But you definitely can find other. And there’s lots of people you can love. And there’s only a few you can make a life with. And they’re not always the same. There are a lot of people you can have love stories with. But they’re not the person you can make a life with." ~Esther Perel

[@Stephanie-vw3qq]

Eric Fortune Thank God there are men like you who get it. You give us disillusioned women out here some hope.

[@360.Tapestry]

it really speaks to the depth of her experience and knowledge that something so articulate and well-considered just flows out of her

[@andjelatatarovic8309]

nice transcript work! XD :D

[@frederickhoward5598]

Being Realistic!!

[@amandabrisbane8716]

Eric Fortune YESSSSS always thought monogamy is always a choice, not a natural state we are born with. In fact it - like any belief system, is only thought construct organised by control freaks to manage fear.

[@Vixi90]

"When they tie the knot, they get lazy and complacent, they think this thing is going to live on its own... Like a Cactus"... This Esther amazes me every time

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

You talking about for your experience not all men are lazy maybe some of them👍😍🇪🇬🌹

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

You talking about for your experience not all men are lazy maybe some of them👍😍🇪🇬🌹

[@Vixi90]

ibrahim hamada your comment speaks more about your own attitude and belief model. (Working on the assumption I picked out that comment with men/a man in mind). That comment was one of many that intrigued me and something I have recognised in many relationships, not necessarily my own, and not necessarily on my other halves part - maybe I’m recognising that I’m the one not nurturing the cactus so to speak...

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

the end of life i know is this a little scary but that's fine and my advice is you need for preparing in your abillity to be dominant and confident to trust for yourself and i know you are can Iam ibrahim from egypt and im 36 years old I work marketing engineer in American company in egypt and can you get to know each other? Thank you

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

Welcom back joanne i admire for your comment and i think and i believe also you are open minded and mature wamen but in my opinion i say every person in life has conviction and belives they are true i think you are faced alot of problem in your realtionship but this is not

[@drbsavvy12]

Her grounded nature and insights arouse me. Love the quote from her father, “...decency in a human being is the most important.”

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Damien, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?

[@amberts180]

1:00:28 "The fact that I have options does not mean that I need to exercise all of these options."

[@alexandramollon5730]

"We are very resourceful in not owning our shit" ooooooof this!

[@carolineackroyd9027]

LAT...living apart together!! I had arrived at this conclusion, so glad to discover it not only exists, has a name, but is on the rise!!!

[@LorieBrumfield]

she has SO many interesting things to say. I could listen to her speak for hours.

[@BybeeBunnie]

Lorie Brumfield Right?! I have to listen a few more times to be able to think on everything she said. Every bit of what she said was like a knowledge bomb 😂

[@AshGupta]

exactly!

[@AshGupta]

Me too! I felt exactly the same way!

[@Banana-lk7tf]

Same!!

[@83cloverleaf]

Those so many hours you can spend with your husband/BF

[@NicolineNDahl]

This woman is insanely attractive, she really knows how to make you an active listener and looks like she genuinely enjoy to pour out her wisdom. I'm so glad I came across this at the age of 22, trying to figure stuff out in a committed relationship. What she says is gold. Bravo, you beautiful lady. You're restoring truth in to the modern dating culture and doing so amazingly.

[@sophieturner2676]

No, what she is, is 'fickle, curious and greedy' Her words!

[@scotthorslin5482]

Nicoline N. Dahl Agreed. She is insanely attractive. Her knowledge is so seductive.

[@AngelAngel-vc6uf]

Yes absolutely

[@one4320]

Weird isn't it because her delivery makes me feel I'm being lectured to. Not attractive!

[@PULAG]

She's like 70.

[@BeyondSustainableLiving]

This is SO GOOD! I love her so much! I'm so grateful for her work and courage in speaking up about things that are often taboo. I totally agree with her notion that divorce can be a "Conscious Uncoupling" and that it does not mean the relationship failed and I know that it is true from my own experience. My ex-wife and I dissolved our domestic partnership in a very loving, respectful way and I've never seen anyone else do that. I'm so proud of us for it and we've stayed friends for 12 years since while she's been remarried for 10 of those years. It was a very loving experience to be kind to each other as we were admitting that the relationship was coming to an end. There is no need to be cruel. I LOVE how Esther talks about the importance of Conscious Uncoupling. I wish every divorce was like that. Thank you, Esther!

[@4hisglory365]

Beautiful

[@fizzgona]

Cornerstones of the dimise: Indifference Contempt Neglect Violence ( micro agressions)

[@bellelagirl]

To be honest I was first annoyed by your questions but then I realized that your earnestness and humility actually allowed for a deeper conversation to happen, so thanks for being honest about your confusion and thought process.

[@iankclark]

good insight

[@gaile716]

tiara i

[@Simple_trading_journey]

facebook.com/114501700106842/videos/735610767356146/?app=fbl

[@lilasiankid214]

Esthers depth of understanding is quite incredible, her ability to break the topic of sexuality and relationship down to such a simplistic explanation is quite astounding! Great interview, you were very respectful and professional as well. Thank you for the great video.

[@EveningTV]

Just be sure that both you and your partner are capable of self reflection, empathy and change.

[@CarolinHauser]

Yes so important

[@antoinelyons5323]

So true

[@antoinelyons5323]

Carolin Hauser- Love & Intimacy Coach very important

[@LadyTii]

Spot on! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@putster47]

Ahh yes.... Reflection is imperative. Deflection is a deal breaker.

[@sandrabridgman3965]

I just love Ester Perel's passion for meaningful relationships and sharing her vast insights from years of listening to people share their experiences. She has gained a broad perspective on how to have lasting relationships.

[@zacharythax]

That was good. She's right on target. What attracts one to a person are not always those qualities which make a good relationship.

[@jodam96]

“We are very resourceful in not owning our shit”. PREACH!

[@loiscurrie]

Best thing she said, “this is it. This is where I choose to put my roots in.” Personal responsibility.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Lois Currie,you are absolutely gorgeous 🌺🌹🌺🌺🌺🌷🌷🥀🌺🌹🌺🌺🌷🥀🌺🌺🌹🌹🌹

[@sarahmaples8124]

Oh, good point on value of expressing appreciation. One of my dad's very frequent words of wisdom: "Appreciation is a mark of intelligence." Also, the idea of going "above and beyond" for anyone, not just in a committed relationship, is a precious kindness and engenders richness. Exhortation of partner is also helfpful in cultivating a really fulfillung relationship. A habit of criticism, fault-finding, digity robbing, and spirit breaking are sure ways to obliterate any hope of being in happy, satisfying relationship.

[@BybeeBunnie]

This reminds me to always believe in myself, because this woman has just revived everything in me. Everyone always tells me I'm weird for being single for over 3 years, or that I shouldn't have such high standards, but I always knew I didn't want to date someone or even be friends with someone who doesn't make the effort to be there with me. My parents are my heroes and I am very grateful for their relationship for teaching me what is important in life and love. Thank you Esther ❤

[@lbks16]

It's nothing wierd, it's your choice. Don't listen always to your friends.

[@edmurphy671]

Some of the worst advise you'll ever get can be summarized under "everyone always tells me". Real friends don't tell you anything, they instead encourage you to find what you want. What works for one does not work for all. Finding a sex partner is easy, finding a life partner is another matter.

[@TerenceKearns]

I love this woman for her empathy and her care. She has delved into the depths of these issues because she is obviously so passionately caring for her fellow human beings. It's abundantly evident from the way she speaks and expresses herself. What a beautiful human being. I'm so glad she added what she said about us being on the extreme end of self entitlement. I am more of an individualist libertarian than I am a collectivist - but we DO indeed had obligation and loyalty is prime values for caring about one another.

[@360.Tapestry]

cat fight _rawr_

[@victoriafontana3520]

Terence Kearns

[@hellcat3586]

Love this lady and how she empowers both men and women so that we can love each other better 🥳

[@CarolinHauser]

Yes

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Panda, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?

[@aychvac450]

👍

[@khtiderem7112]

I’m usually a pretty impatient video watcher, like I really feel each minute ticking by no matter how much I love the subject, but I seriously have made it halfway through the interview and it’s felt like only 10 minutes. She is so great to listen to.

[@YouLookSoHappy]

Wow, by far the best relationship advice I have ever heard.

[@aestheticsoul692]

+SundayIsForLovers please also check out Matthew Hussey as well. another valuable voice to the subject of relationships and love. currently my top two people i gravitate to when it comes to love, relationships, and dating.

[@YouLookSoHappy]

aestheticsoul692 I totally agree! Matthew Hussey is great.

[@ludmilamaiolini6811]

AntiMatter Dark Energy Excuse me? She didn't say that. She said women lose interest in sex with their partner more quickly after marriage, but that's because they need a more fulfilling emotional experience to sustain desire. That's the only part of the interview in which she refered specifically to women IIRC, so if you are talking about something else, please tell me. BTW, what does GOG MAGOG mean?

[@pitpride1220]

Ludmila Maiolini I'm not sure what they were referencing with GOG MAGOG...? But here's what it means and what it refers to: The first mention of the two names occurs in the Book of Ezekiel, where Gog is an individual and Magog is his land; in Genesis 10 Magog is a person, son of Japheth son of Noah, but no Gog is mentioned. In Revelation, Gog and Magog together are the hostile nations of the world. It is almost a total Palindrome when used together. Obviously GOG is on it's own. Probably some significance there. Biblical Mathematics...tricky scriptures 👅Don't see how the use of it applies to their point either. 😂

[@edwardb7811]

Ludmila Maiolini g

[@VernePhilleas]

As a relationship coach (as one of my specialities as a lifecoach) this woman is SUPERB. She is so wise and illuminated and enlightened. What matters is how "Decent" a person is. I like that! "The entrepreneurial world is a world of inflated selves"...so often true!. She talks about the fragility and the impermanence. So true. I like her. This woman is not interested in "being mediocre". She's driven. I admire Esther Perel's passion. She said "There is an enormous taboo on sexual education in USA". So true. Ms. Perel is very wise. I like her. There's 3 questions. "What's a thriving relationship? What can go wrong? And how do you fix it?" Perel says "Family is this thing that doesn't dissolve so easily", so you can be disruptive and abusive within a relationship with your partner, which is a fallacy, which is INCORRECT. I would love to interview this woman. She is so wise and illuminated and enlightened. "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Now monogamy is one person at a time". Fascinatingly TRUE! "People are most attractive when they're confident!" TRUE! "There are no incentives in the private domain". True. That's very interesting. A very simple thing missing from common relationships: basic please and thank yous!

[@VernePhilleas]

Thanks mate! I appreciate the professional response. You are a superb interviewer. I liked your Tony Robbins interview and This one with Ms. Perel possibly even more. Keep up the excellent work, bro!

[@zoetilbury7284]

Childhood trauma affects your behaviour in a relationship so she is correct.

[@sophieturner2676]

You actually got to be "a very inflated self" to be be diving in between the sheets with couples the world over, to then be making sweeping theoetical generalisations about sexuality

[@Sydishes]

Yes, I too share that view that my life must be big in meaning, value led and not necessarily measured by material “success,” and I think that’s in large part influenced by my parents being born of immigrants, raised in poverty in the Great Depression era, and not able to take anything for granted as some of their siblings died in early childhood, in war (World War II) or simple injuries that they did not have access to reliably heal due to where they lived and the access to modern medicine.

[@sak08002]

This has made me feel even more thankful for my boyfriend and feel more fortunate to have found someone I could build a life with. I am so thankful for this podcast and I’ve learned so much

[@hulkgreen6786]

Hold your fort and treasure it

[@alaskahudson]

Are you still together?

[@theempire00]

Did yall get married??

[@Enmanuel_V6]

My definition of greatness fits this theme pretty well actually... Greatness is the ability to not just close a chapter but a whole book and start a new one, to rebuild in the face of the events that made you think this was the end of your life.

[@nobodyfromnowhere122]

I come back to this amazing interview quite often, although I'm familiar with Esther's views and theories from her books and other interviews. However, I find this to be one of her most complex expositions on relationships. I especially like the discussion after min 57, where she touches on the subject of choices. "There are lots of people you can love and there are only a few people you can make a life with. And they're not always the same. " wow that killed me.

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi (:, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?

[@quangii]

Esther is so eloquent.

[@stellarstar9340]

quangii agreed!!

[@hafizmajid01]

What's her full name so I can search her

[@jenamaza3834]

@@hafizmajid01 Esther Perel

[@TOMMY-WANT-WINGY]

Relationships aren't 50/50. Each of you must give 💯

[@theempire00]

Disagree. It is 100… If you can’t give 100% but only 40%, your partner needs to give 60% (temporarily of course not during the whole relationship).

[@Emma-yu9wb]

I have been married for 33 years now. I can't help but wish that my husband and I could have had a few sessions with her at the very beginning of our relationship. And again every few years after that. c; She has a lovely, gentle way of helping couples to look at their imperfect selves and destructive patterns without experiencing shame or despair. She guides them forward. She loves them along into being better partners for each other. An amazing human being.

[@meg39818]

What an interview! It has everything- from the macro/historic perspective right down to the most personal level. Her message is unsettling and comforting at the same time. I could see Lewis Howes wrestling with this paradox, too... "There are lots of people you can love and only a few you can make a life with." Wow. Reassuring and unsettling, too. A truly provocative, eloquent, passionate speaker.

[@lavish_krish]

She literally gave me a whole new perception of marraige, divorce and relationships.. it's a little scary but that's fine!

[@mgaus7]

very scary

[@vitalosiute]

Lavish Krish scary equals change and change promotes growth💛 if you're scared you're on the right path!

[@kykkim6822]

Believe me it's really scary

[@fruityeva]

😂😂😂

[@janethomas78]

Being a CELL MATE is not a MARRIAGE.

[@Ash-fe1nk]

If only the confidence and self awareness I feel listening to her would stay with me during conversations and situations in reality. She is brilliant!

[@t.brackett7600]

Quite

[@bartholomewchuzzlewit4356]

Familiarity breeds contempt and no one likes to be taken for granted. Decency and dignity are harder to find these days I feel as people have become more materialistic. I have never seen or heard this lady speak before and she is just brilliant and so knowledgeable on her topic. 👍

[@MACX-eb3cn]

She's so easy to understand, she could use words that would require a dictionary in order to understand her, but she chooses not to. I love that about her. An adolescent could understand her. So inspirational, I think you'd have to be somewhat intuitive to get people the way she does, as well. I just absolutely adore her.

[@adriantamburini]

Esther is my hero at the moment. Every thought, every opinion, every word is wisdom’s pure gold. Great interview, Lewis.

[@jessabella77]

I have watched so many of her videos, just fascinating. I wish that people didn’t see the loss of butterflies as the loss of love. Butterflies are often replaced with a sense of peace with someone. That’s how I see it at least. I lost the person I wanted to share my life with. She found the other and her “better”. But I knew she wanted that and not a life with me so I stopped trying to hold her back because I knew she was starting to resent me and would not leave by choice but I couldn’t love someone that much and feel nothing close like that from them in return. I could be happy just because she was with me, but that wasn’t fair to her. I wasn’t it for her. I’m hoping I’ll see that same want for a life with someone again some day.

[@MandoRick1978]

Thank fuck you did not have any kids to mix in with your self obsession. Thank fuck!!!

[@azlondon]

Mando Rick You’re an idiot

[@MandoRick1978]

@@azlondon You are a troll

[@johnmagelus6895]

You will stop crying over that spilled milk. And dont compare so sudden it happend.

[@Holistic.Aariela]

Thank you for sharing

[@sunnymelbourneplants]

This guys is dying inside 😂 like he is doing all the wrong things at home and is so shaken with the amount of work needed to build and sustain a LTR 😂 ESTHER you are so eloquent and so compassionate 😉

[@sandip471]

You don’t find your partner, you choose it✨

[@sunnymelbourneplants]

@@sandip471 you pick a partner you pick a story 😁

[@tifawt3736]

😂😂

[@CarolinHauser]

feeling for you

[@marytaylor2381]

I thought the same lol

[@mai567]

Wow! This was a phenomenal interview! Not just because every word Esther says is right on point and inspiring (she is just incredible!) but also because the interviewer was so involved, asked the right questions, and obviously has great respect and admiration for Esther and her work...It really made this interview the best that it could be! Which is so valuable with people like Esther who can give so much. Thank you both for this!!

[@nestakorine]

mai567 I agree! This is a tough lady to interview because she's so brilliant and radical. He obviously cares about the topic and holds his own in connecting with her as she unfolds seemingly endless revelations.

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Mai, nice to meet you here. Have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?

[@NappingWanderer]

This...made me cry. No joke. Idk where that came from... This woman is so insightful and very articulate. Thank you Esther Perel. I have a lot to think about here.

[@suhseal]

i have that same tingling inside toooooooo. sigh...

[@loriserrano8831]

I agree that when we’re looking for a partner, we need to be the person we’re looking for is looking for. 🥰

[@Hennnesssyyy]

I absolutely LOVE her views on relationships and life. This is THEE video to watch! I’ve seen so many other videos about how to “get a guy to love you” or how to “keep your man” and vise versa - BUT barely any videos with Perel’s insight and modern POV. SHE SPOKE NOTHING BUT FACTS! I wish every person could watch! ♥️

[@lewishowes]

❤️

[@esthercoley8651]

I am extremely impressed with the way Lewis Howes interviews Esther Perel. I often get frustrated when these great minds are asked basic, boring, over-used questions that are not tailored to who is being interviewed. This interview was so refreshing because I got a better sense of Esther's history, scope of knowledge/experience, and applicable advice in a conversational way! This is great work! If Lewis Howes happens to read this comment: PLEASE Continue to produce interviews (like this one) that reach beyond the range of what we can read in the author's book or through a simple google search. As a viewer, I want to learn more about the person because it gives greater weight and meaning to the ideas they present. All the best! and thanks!

[@bluebirdmacaje]

Esther Coley agreed

[@ChiefDunham]

Esther Perel

[@marijacaric9385]

She influences my thoughts on these issue, but she even more influences my thinking in general. I am so happy to be able to listen to her.

[@prestonmonroe6219]

In what way may I ask as influencing your thoughts. Please share .. I feel why live a lie. Truth does set you free. I don't think relationships are hard work. You have to share your desire, fantasy, dreams and don't hold back. Be who you are when you are alone, when you are with your person of interest, spouse, relationship. Take off the social mask. Share your kinks and thinks. You just might find it's their curious thought too. If you're afraid that they might throw it back in your face later, they're not the one. It actually could be very exciting fun trying to figure out together where the curiosity comes from both of you. Sharing that secret of each other's fantasy just between you two brings you closer together.. That very secret shared between you is what turns me on. That bond and trust in me.. When you're honest, talk about it. There will not be any cheating.

[@meg27mm]

This woman is phenomenal and a treasure! We need her! And he’s asking all the right questions and is such a great listener. An amazing interview 👏🏼

[@YT313YT]

The movie “ The Bridges of Madison County” perfectly represents the concept of experiencing a love story vs building a life together.

[@judith018]

One of my favorite movies.

[@lindsayjardine4780]

Yes. It most certainly does. And I think it’s a heartbreaking movie in so many ways. Another movie that represents almost the opposite is The Way We Were. Two people who were passionate about each other but try as they may they could not figure a way to stay together. Equally heartbreaking.

[@intention.adventure]

"The Fact is, *Monogamy* is the new frontier." What a profound observation and reorganizing of perspective! :)

[@TheWoodyIvan]

This woman is an actual genius.

[@MP-vf8qz]

I think she means well, but she says: people are like animals and attraction is balance, NOT!

[@latinaalma1947]

@@MP-vf8qz We are first biological creatures from the animal not the plant kingdom. Our mammalian nature is there in the midbrain. See Sapolsky lectures at Stanford on KZbin if you want in depth lectures that prove this point including on sex and mating...sorry you are just wrong. academic psychologist

[@MP-vf8qz]

@@latinaalma1947 it just sounds too much like planet of the apes to me.

[@Nah-ah]

She’s phenomenal!

[@kbanghart]

@@MP-vf8qz so, biology?

[@RianneF92]

Absolutely love and appreciate Esther and Lewis' openness and willingness to honestly share such key information on relationships.

[@saraht1367]

'Greatness is when you can come in with one story, and leave with a different one' MIC F*****G DROP!!

[@Tebbles07]

this woman is... full of knowledge. this podcast is full of golden nuggests. thank for sharing

[@rarcurtin]

"The Fact is, Monogamy is the new frontier." What a profound observation and reorganizing of perspective! :)

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

Wow, her insights are amazing. My husband passed away. Desire and sexuality is part of marriage, but companionship and trust are very important. There are many changes in life. That's why vows are spoken. But people change apart and together. It's important to keep in step. Things ebb and flow

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

I've had a few newer relationships since being a widow. Now opening the conversation is important: what do you want/expect from your end, and tell them what you want/need from them. Their is no one perfect answer. It is also dealing with yourself with compassion when things don't work out. It is all important

[@mariamendez4459]

As the child of Cuban refugees I also feel like things can be taken away from you at any moment and don’t feel any sense of permanence. I had never heard anyone explain those feelings so eloquently! Love Ester Perel!

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@cameliap1146]

That has nothing to do with being a child of Cuban refugee.

[@cindyperron3024]

What a delicious conversation. I loved seeing your enchantment Lewis. Thank you!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Cindy Perron,you look Charming 🌹🌹🌹🌷🌷🥀🌺🥀🌷🌷🥀🥀🤙🤙🤙.

[@patrice7p]

I was really curious about Esther‘s personal history… so much depth and insight… this helps a lot. Thank you so much for having such a wonderful guest. We need more of the authentic , deep and meaningful life experiences and advice!

[@DelRey8000]

"I'm judged by my personality, not by my actions"... that's the problem right there.

[@sofiapedras5764]

Agree with having the same values and same likes, making a life together

[@beingintrinsic]

Lewis!! Your question game is ON! You had a potent guest here, you always do! This topic sends a lot of spirals of beliefs in every direction and you maintained continuity, groundedness, vulnerability and danced well with Esther's rich insight and storytelling. You are really attentive and that makes the programs MAGNETIC.

[@Mehringdamm_6710]

Some of Esther's recommendations on how to sustain relationships can be extended even at community and societal levels. brilliant!

[@e.l.243]

It is very impressing, that she is married to her fist husband for such a long time, even decades. He is too a very succesful man. Well done. 👏

[@vanessab7272]

She practice what she preach. The real thing!

[@gmy33]

@@vanessab7272 he probably also practises ..

[@Bulgariana11]

The best interview I’ve ever heard! Both participants were incredible! Thank you, Lewis, for asking all the right questions !

[@sophien5416]

I love Esther! Lewis never disappoints me with his interviews. I feel he asks questions in a humbling and curious way which makes his guests really open up.

[@justine8387]

You can see him truely wrestling with the content.

[@pamelakelly5869]

I am just blow away after listening to this discussion!!! Lord knows I would have loved this info 40 yrs ago. What a gift she brings to all relationships. I am ordering her books in audio. Feel blessed to have come across Esther Perel yesterday. I can feel a change in my relationship of more than 40 yrs after 1 day. Esther brings a totally different perspective than I could have ever imagined!!! I could not thank her enough for sharing so much and not permuting her books non-stop as so many often do. Thanks also to Lewis for having such great guests on all the time....... Warmest of hugs to you both.... KEEP UP THE WONDERFUL WORK YOU BOTH DO TO HELP OTHERS GROW!!!!!!! Esther is like Dr Ruth on steroids!!!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Pamela Kelly, you look gorgeous 🌹🥀🥀🌹🌺🌺

[@carolgeorge6409]

Thank you for the part about the divorce not being a failure! Also, that staying until a burial is not necessarily success

[@OliveJuice.512]

Unless you have children, then the host and Esther are incorrect in saying there's nothing wrong with divorce. Research shows that children from divorced families generally faire much worse than children from families in committed marriages.

[@nargesirani9507]

I have been to many seminars, courses, and watched thousands of videos by relationship experts. This genius lady is able to communicate complicated issue so clearly and through a simple language, se is the best person and the best speaker I have ever come across.

[@michellekalski8823]

I've seen Esther Perel's name around, but this is my first introduction to her. Brilliant perspectives on relationships. Esther is an insightful and well-studied scholar. Fantastic interview that was very thought-provoking.

[@reese6938]

The interviewer didn't look bored to me. He seemed quite interested and intent on understanding the content as it was being said. It's a lot of information to take in.

[@irishcoffeetruecrime]

I think as he is listening he is applying it to maybe his own relationships ,past and present. I know when someone is talking about something I can relate to I have my own conversation going on and I think how can I apply this information to my own life .

[@sallytilley2926]

Riveted ..she is such a well balanced book that opens into an open accepting time of relationship / sexual choice ..with realisation for all Do U trade U ‘re car in within 10 years . .? As Marilyn Monroe said every 7 x years a women’s body changes & re - thinks ? Sophia Loren in Yesterday / Today & Tomorrow ..she continually transformed with Carlo Ponti ..her proudness…& change to keep their ❤️💙 Stimulated 🇦🇺

[@xhoigjika2341]

Absolutely love her! How can you even dislike such pure wisdom?

[@sharpfocus5]

When you show indifference to a partner or anyone close to you it is beginning of a slippery slope that leads to contempt, to an untermensch loss of value.... at which point human ethics no longer matter, at worse it can end in violence (physical or emotional) and even murder. Esther Perel is so articulate about these dynamics. Bless her.

[@natalieifergan5762]

All your interviews are wonderful, but this was brilliant! Esther is so wise and insightful. Very powerful, loved it :)

[@tanjamadsen676]

Esther Perel is amazing! Thank you for bringing her on your show, Lewis! Never heard you sigh so much during an interview. Her perspectives give us all a lot to ponder! :D

[@lynnkiefer8373]

The sighing actually annoyed me. I wanted to find a way to send a private message to interviewer about this but couldn't.

[@rosajay]

He sighed SO much! LOL!!! Loved the talk!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Tanja Madsen, you are absolutely right 🙏🤙 🤙.

[@_Lazare]

Yes ! Understanding is amazing ! Most men I think have this especially with communication ! and life improves and grows , it’s always sad when things fail when in reality they couldn’t open up in time cause nobody wants to hurt or fall apart or leave . Open up and be happy 😊 yes please yourself and let it show and show your partner the very very same and love love your connection.

[@joyokafor705]

This is powerful...She is a gift to humanity 🙏

[@showorchid]

She’s so incredibly insightful. I love listening to her point of view, and expanding my own view of love & relationships.

[@MsDonttrythisathome]

I've only watched 15 minutes of this so far, but watching his face and listening to his questions makes me think that he really is no match for Ms. Perel. He doesn't seem to understand so far that desire is just one part of the whole relationship.

[@aga5619]

I disagree. She introduces a lot of novel concepts that I think he's processing and fascinated by.

[@gfitz91]

I agree, he asks questions that she’s just spent 10 mins answering already!

[@gfitz91]

And those sighs! He’s not fully engaged.

[@ruthlfrancis]

Confusion is when what you know is being turned on it's head. He is vulnerable to go there and see a different point of view and stretch himself. I appreciated that. It led to new gems coming from Ester that other interviewers did not dig up.

[@fandashentosa5378]

Esther is so original, articulate, and compelling. She gave me a new perspective about expectations in relationships. I like the fact that on Lewis'podcast, we know a bit of her background and the answers that we didn't get on other presentation, panel, or interview. we could get in here. Thank Lewis, for having her on your platform.

[@fandashentosa5378]

Thank you for a reminder, I thought I have subscribed.

[@Segigo]

Esther Perel ,An embodiment of wisdom and objectivity, also well spoken and equally experienced

[@Lua1990___]

With everything she says i’m like Hallelujah finally somebody says it! 🙌🏻 she speaks my thoughts.

[@InstaTeacher]

By far the best relationship advice I have ever received!

[@tonytriip2]

What did you learn? I am asking you bcs you are a woman, and I want hear a different point of view. Thanks

[@chitownbella8970]

Outstanding! She is so elegant in her delivery. Excellent information and content.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Chitown bella,you look stunning 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🌺 🌺

[@naz7878]

What a fantastic interview. She is smart, witty, knowledgeable. She has incredible insights in so many things. She is a relationship genius. I've learned a lot. Thanks for this. 🙏 "You don't find your partner, you choose your partner".

[@ciaoana7247]

I love this woman! I wish I had someone in my life like her when I was growing up

[@CarolineLamarche]

Wow, what an interesting talk. I came across this by chance and it changed my views about my own relationship/pending divorce

[@dana102083]

Update on relationship? 🙏

[@dhavalukani]

WOW ... thank you Lewis. Esther is uniquely good & plain to understand importance of her talk.

[@Fortyball]

"Intimacy is 'In to me see'." Nice.

[@wendylohin6019]

This young man must be absolutely thrilled to have spent time with this amazing woman. Great interview! I will watch more of him. Well done! Both of you!!

[@veeramos4366]

many points to be absorbed. good info. intelligently answered... I love her.

[@ceciliagranados6989]

“Give people an elevated conversation about relationships”... that’s exactly what you do with clarity, compassion and humor. Thank you so much💕

[@timd7782]

After watching many of her videos, I think she has wisdom and insight and expresses it concisely. I think her analysis of men and women these days is about as spot on as anything I have ever seen. It also seems to be backed up by biology and the best of professional psychology. Her placing of "decency" above other traits also impresses me.

[@dcooper6142]

‘We should have a little summit.’ That is the best quote I have heard in awhile!

[@rxmassage]

Great interview! Women that are passionate about their work such as her always give such amazing advice.

[@nobslifestyle]

Love this! I agree with her that most people have three committed relationships. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and this was the year we went into the second relationship. Our relationship is being completely redefined. It has been brutal but is turning out beautifully! 🙌🏼

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Clara Byler,so happy for you and your husband ☺️☺️☺️🙏🤙

[@bumperxx1]

Wtf are you talking about? Its now going on 14 or 15 years now are still with your husband. I dont get what your saying a second relationship.... ? I have been with my wife 14yrs married 8. We good 👍 3 kids bring stress but we get through it. I feel for people that can't figure this shit out. Its so ez.

[@raylaughlan5324]

@@bumperxx1 did you not watch the video? Lol

[@bumperxx1]

@@raylaughlan5324 I don't remember

[@momotrees111]

1:00:17 "...in an examined state." So many points worth quoting. Absolutely astounding. Loved every minute. Worth watching again. Thanks so much!

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome,thank you!

[@sidicniy874]

I believe greatness is the love of humanity, your compassion, your kindness, and acceptance of people regardless of who they are, this is the greatness of a person.

[@mdenevares]

Love it!!! What a wise woman, so warm! Thanks!!! Could hear her for hours