Is It Wrong to Divorce My Disabled Husband?

Is It Wrong to Divorce My Disabled Husband?
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[@Grelotmystiqueetal]

One of my patients’ husband used to visit his wife everyday at the hospice. People kept telling him; but she does not remember who you are? His response; but I do remember who she is. She is my wife. God bless him.

[@roses6564]

Close. The correct answer was "she is my love."

[@mampiemattina5739]

Surrender.....we have no control.

[@jackspring7709]

Also - one thing I would add to that. When a member of my family was dying in hospital, supposedly unconscious and doped to the gills with morphine I know he could hear and understand everything we were saying. And I'm sure its the same with a lot of people who are supposedly unresponsive. That patient's husband was absolutely right to visit her everyday, and its disgusting that people were even saying that to him, in my opinion.

[@jacksquat4140]

@@jackspring7709: I don't think she cares about her husband. Diane wants to get it on and live her best life, now. At least that's my take.

[@danerichards7280]

Your a selfish woman

[@michaelcollins8328]

My parents were married for 51 years. My mom was disabled for 39 of those years. My dad took care of her, took care of me, sent me to university, worked full time at demanding jobs and was loyal to her until she passed. That man is a role model for men everywhere,

[@stateofkansass]

Your dad is an example. I don't know him but reading this but I'm proud of him

[@Arlene_DOTK]

Amen 🙏

[@texan903]

What an amazing guy he is.

[@caseyparks3954]

Sadly you can’t apply those same standards to women. It’s just not in their nature.

[@cameronhirtle7316]

Respect to your father my friend.

[@BanjoPixelSnack]

My grandmother got dementia at 65 years old. She died at 75 years old and was in a home for 10 whole years. My grandfather visited her every day for ten years until she died, longer after she stopped recognising him. He lived for be 95 so he lived 20 years without her but every single year he took flowers to her grave for her birthday and their wedding anniversary and at Christmas. It is a privilege to love someone that much.

[@jordanbrown1309]

I did not expect to cry at work today, but here we are. That's some moving stuff.

[@Sauvageonne]

@@jordanbrown1309 You shouldn't be watching KZbin at work. Just kidding. I know right, my heart is sinking with those stories. I hope I never have to do that for my husband because I wish him good health until the end (we agreed we'd both die when I turn 100 and he'd be 116), but if anything were to happen to him, I can't see myself ever leaving him. I don't wanna make promises but I'm pretty sure I would not leave him.

[@Mad-genius]

So you would have plenty of people here telling your grandfather he should just move on, find somebody else and be happy. After all your grandma didn't know who he was. But you see, Your grandfather knew what love was, he knew it wasn't about his happiness and knew he took a vow do to what he did. Wonderful man.

[@marciamatteini7604]

What a beautiful picture of love. God bless him

[@Yourhighness7777]

❤

[@andreaa.9709]

I am a nurse and THIS, this is one of the biggest things the public needs to understand. I have seen many patients and families in similar situations, where you have to decide EARLY ON, if your loved one would want to be kept alive with a trach and feeding tube or allowed to die. Usually that answer is a resounding NO. But all too many well intentioned wives and husbands and mothers and fathers are wholly convinced their loved one will be healed. And they miss their window (literally we call it the “death window”) to let them pass with dignity. Those who go on to get the feeding tube and trach qnd are totally dependent will die from one of a succession of infections, usually from a UTI or a pressure wound on their bottom from not being able to move. That could take 20+ years. It is truly inhumane. It is disgusting and heart breaking the state these people end up in, a state that they would have pleaded to escape if they could communicate. Doctors often try in vain to explain this reality in professional terms but families always think they know more. When it comes to strokes and TBIs and anything in the brain, those cells don’t regenerate. And I’m a Christian too but God, for whatever reason, rarely ever chooses to answer prayers of miraculous healing. He was calling this man home and instead the medical team played God at the command of this well intentioned woman. Death with dignity is a far better alternative to the horrible things that can happen when life is artificially prolonged. Ultimately- people, please have this conversation with your spouse/kids/parents so that have considered it before they’re faced with this actually happening. Because it could. It could happen to any one of us at any time.

[@scottlaux6934]

It can be morbid, what modern medicine can do.

[@Adekoyan]

Thanks for writing this

[@Finallyretired2022]

I’m a retired RN with 40 yrs os service. Thank you for writing such an important message. Too many people Never have this conversation with their loved ones. PLEASE PLEASE have this talk out of love for your family. It does make the critical time easier to handle. Again thank you for writing such a poignant message.

[@carolynjones7567]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@ingridlowrie1029]

Everyone should have a Power of Attorney for those times you are unable to make decisions for yourself in your sick bed but you have discussed it in detail with them when you were healthy.

[@ifonlyseethrumyeyes8957]

My husband left me when my health went bad...I kept thinking "in sickness and in health" I got back on my feet and so proud...without him

[@veritorossi]

But I feel this is different, she is alive but he is not here. We only have one life and I don't think it's fair for her to waste her like like this. Divorcing him doesn't mean not caring for him anymore but it's a way for her to be able to move on.

[@DNAfinder2000]

That's what I was thinking too "in sickness and in health"... I get this lady is tired of that way of life but what about those vows they made.. My husband left me too after health issues and it just makes you wonder about who you married

[@Spacewalk11]

Congratulations. That’s an amazing story. In sickness and health is a tough vow when things get severe, as the lady in this video I cannot judge. I don’t know the extent of your health problems, but regardless, super happy for you, & I’m sure you came out stronger on the other side. I hope the rest of your life is filled with joy and prosperity. Bless you 🙏🏼

[@ifonlyseethrumyeyes8957]

@@Spacewalk11 you are very sweet and yes my life has been amazing regardless. Thank you

[@andrewkifee381]

We say in sickness and in health, but noone ever admits that its usually just about the health only.

[@G_Money_]

After watching this video, I've realized that love is not a feeling, it's about commitment and your actions.

[@Aminah6623]

It's duty for sure

[@JustLIkerapunzel]

People literally get cancer due to aweful stress levels on a scale of being in situations like being a longterm caregiver for what yould be decades. It's a horrible situation but would her husband really want this to be her faight? For her to lose her life cause he in a way lost his while still being here? It's horrible and there is simply nothing that can make it be ok. If I truly loved someone and it was me - I would not wish that faight and burden to be on my husband to sacrifice themselves in such a manner. As someone working in healthcare I think most people can't imagine the consequences of this

[@dontworry1568]

its about what a man can do for a woman. if the roles were reversed, the husband would be getting tore to pieces for even considering this.

[@user-vd2ph7rg9f]

It's a decision.

[@tbw980371]

This is the only right answer. Love is sacrifice.

[@zicaKpablo]

As long as the husband is well taken care of, she has the right to move on and find happiness❤

[@crsuperman1]

Or she could spend 30 more years taking care of a severely brain-damaged human only to find out there is no afterlife

[@Bamifun]

Or she could just be a woman of her word whether there’s a heaven or not.

[@Peem_pom]

I agree with that. It's a vow and she can still care for him.

[@spikedcolor]

If I were severely disabled, it would break my heart to know my partner went years without being loved and cherished. Humans need connection, and I'm sure her ability to care for him and their children will be better if she is free to find love and support

[@charlesbell5500]

YES! I'm sorry but Dr. John dropped the ball on this one. I think he was too focused on her letting him live and being with another man. Of course, that's harsh. But put the guy down, let him go peacefully and THEN move on! That way you don't have to visit him all the time with the new guy and embarrass the old guy. That's what she should do. He can't live on his own, so she's just fighting nature at this point, and that's wrong!

[@uniquegeek2708]

Spouse has given me the directive "If I end up like that, just put me in front of an Xbox and go live your life"

[@MsPinkwolf]

​@@charlesbell5500Put him down? He's not a dog. You can't end someone's life unless they're on life support and only the machine is keeping them alive. That's obviously not the case here.

[@charlesbell5500]

@@MsPinkwolf That IS the case here! Aren't you paying attention? 🤣🤣🤣

[@MsPinkwolf]

@@charlesbell5500 You're the one who wasn't paying attention. He could walk and knew his family members. He wasn't unconscious and breathing with a machines aid.

[@Author_I]

I had a relative who was shot in the head by an intruder. He was irreparably damaged and unable to speak, would drool, and reverted to infantile behavior. His wife helped him do everything, including changing his diapers. She stayed with him. She was judged harshly by the family because there was endless gossip and speculation about her stepping outside her marriage. To my knowledge she was nothing by loyal. I don't think people could fathom her incredible level of loyalty. Her kids grew up to be hugely empathetic humans. I had the utmost respect for her and could not wrap my mind around that level of love. She stayed with him until he died. It still blows my mind.

[@JeanJean1]

My goodness. God bless that woman.

[@muma6559]

Not every person has to be the same. But that is a lovely example.

[@user-ub9kl3rb3g]

What a profoundly good woman! Love is a choice. It is something we do-- a commitment, an action. ✅

[@bopeep86]

​@muma6559 Same? No, not every human is the same. But what you are really saying is that not everyone is moral, not everyone is a good person, ya that's true. Some people suck.

[@jodybuchanan9373]

There are good people who mind their own business and evil people who love nothing more than to gossip and cause trouble. It's always been that way. I learned a long time ago to ignore the petty people. They get their kicks from reactions. To quote Dr. Suess... Be who you are and say what you feel, because in the end those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

[@MrAlroyNdhlovu]

This episode just put into perspective how deep marriage is. It isn't a joke. It should never be something that is taken lightly.

[@richardspeciale8828]

So true!!

[@nhayes927]

Theres nothing wrong with this woman moving on at this point

[@steve8803]

@MrAlroyNdhlovu "marriage" is just a legal term. You can have the same love and bond for someone without the government getting involved.

[@janestclair3650]

Her children should come first

[@janestclair3650]

Her children would be upset if they divorced ZgOD would be upset. We all get ill at some point.

[@davidpyle7901]

My wife’s health was poor for most of our 18 years. I married her in sickness and in health. I also asked myself how I would want her to behave if it was reversed. I hung with her in love to the end. I will be forever grateful I did. I have no regrets!

[@AE675]

❤ true love, great of you

[@unicornus33]

God bless you David

[@FeHopeCyndiW]

I think this is a tragedy with no right answer. I won't judge. I was by my husband's side as he battled cancer for 5 years, including a craniotomy. I spent months sleeping in surgical trauma ICUs. It was hard. But, not nearly as hard as his death. I miss him so much. It was my honor to be by his side.

[@dyllangames3592]

The right path is staying with said person. Because if she walks away never knowing what happened, then she's gonna regret it. And her kids learning that when something gets hard they can just walk away, they will keep that in forever.

[@c.san.8751]

@@dyllangames3592 The right path is upholding her end of the promise. It is a binding union. No matter what.

[@dyllangames3592]

@@c.san.8751 "in sickness and in health" is a vow you take. Therefore, her path is to stay with him. It doesn't say "in sickness and in health unless one of us gets sick and then the other one gets lonely"

[@ellenfogle1224]

Those who haven't gone through this can't really understand how I feel

[@c.san.8751]

@@ellenfogle1224 Who cares how you feel. A vow is a vow. Absolute nonsense regarding people making decisions based on how they feel. Total nonsense. Foolish and immature.

[@janewinfield4541]

My husband has dementia and is in a facility. I go see him almost every day. I cannot imagine divorcing him and leaving him without my support. And yes I do everything at home. But this is not his fault and he is my heart for as long as he has.

[@MagicalFishy]

You are an amazing wife. May God bless you tremendously.

[@retrojay86]

🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@SpeedfreakUK]

What if you were 30?

[@NotSoEntertaining.]

My friend who is home healthcare aid has a client who brings his girlfriend when he visits his wife who has dementia. 😅 Men don’t care.

[@P.Rack25]

That is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.

[@Starlightbarking]

I worked in a disability care home where a wife was severely disabled, the husband divorced her and remarried but remains devoted to her and visits regularly, and is her primary next of kin. He is incredibly loving and caring towards her even though she is practically in a vegetative state. Noone judged him for this, everyone was impressed with his dedication.

[@chronic2023]

That's lovely, but how can he still be "her primary next of kin" if they are no longer married? I mean, from a legal aspect he is no longer her next of kin if they are divorced.

[@Ben.N]

​@@chronic2023I'm guessing there's no one else

[@amandahugenkiss]

THANK YOU!!!

[@amandahugenkiss]

@@chronic2023 It's called Adult Adoption. Look it up! Lots of folks get a divorce from the partner in a coma after so many years go by, but choose to adopt them so they are considered the primary caregiver. It's not that uncommon at all.

[@lottielane2486]

Wonderful Reply from John, . He showed deep wisdom towards Diane. The caller. I hope she can take it with her.

[@bri220]

My grandmother had dementia. Caring for her alone is what killed my grandfather. In my opinion who we are is our brain. I feel like your husband has already gone home. Finding a new partner that can help ease the load and care compassionately for the shell of your husband might be the right thing to do for your entire family. Many prayers. Might heart hurts for you.

[@anonymousbosch9265]

I’d want my wife to move on, if I knew I was causing her life to be miserable I’d do everything in my power to check out

[@leojaramillo7737]

Me too, and I am going to remind her again when she gets home today! This is heartbreaking

[@anonymousbosch9265]

@@leojaramillo7737 I did exactly that when I made this comment and she had a tone I didn’t love on the matter

[@kathyhansen2820]

@@anonymousbosch9265 She's been through hell and is just holding it together. I prefer her tone than a syrupy self righteous one.

[@anonymousbosch9265]

@@kathyhansen2820 I meant that my wife had a tone about “staying forever” no matter what when I brought it up to her

[@charlesbell5500]

@@anonymousbosch9265 Anyone who wants to be kept alive and stay married even if they can't talk, hear, walk, learn, remember, or anything like that is just selfish and stupid. The woman in the video should let her husband Rest In Peace and she should start over. Your wife literally wants you to stay with her even if she's in a vegetative state like this? Jeez, that's tough man. I probably wouldn't marry a girl who thought like that because I know for a fact that she would cheat before I would, so it doesn't even make sense.

[@healthybodz1969]

This is a woman who is totally emotionally and physically exhausted, lonely and heart broken. My heart is breaking for her. She's not just wishing her husband dead, she wants him released from his pain and anguish. Not many people would have coped with 8 children and the situation shes going through. I pray she finds some peace and the answers she's looking for x

[@fauxbro1983]

When the going gets tough, quit. I guess that's your mantra

[@singerjo5791]

@@fauxbro1983You have no compassion. My sister took care of an invalid husband for many years. She lost herself. Until you’ve been there don’t judge.

[@bloomingale7868]

@@singerjo5791oh we can judge. Truth is truth. Vows mean nothing nowadays. Don’t make commitments of one of the guarantees is having someone to depend on at your time of need. The man is better off with strangers.

[@user-bx4ti6ig3i]

​@@singerjo5791through sickness and in health is just a vow of convenience? She's not God nor does she decide when his time is. It's up to God not the wife. We get she's exhausted but it's her life. Life throws us a curve ball and suddenly it gets hard.

[@bobbyglendinning2406]

@@fauxbro1983 ..and trolling is yours

[@jakebowman8821]

As an ICU nurse I firmly believe their are things worse than death. Sometimes it’s better to go out and not try to fight nature

[@rachelgooden9981]

Exactly . She refused to let him go in peace so now he’s on earth in hell.

[@nt3833]

@@rachelgooden9981 maybe I missed that part of the call, but how did she “choose” to keep him alive? Was there a time she could have let him die ethically and she didn’t?

[@jillianwilliams1]

Former ICU nurse here too. In the halls of ICU I certainly learned that there are way worse things than death.

[@irawr256]

@@nt3833 The man was trached (meaning he was unable to be successfully weaned from the ventilator). The choice to trach is a choice that we don't know if he wanted or not. The man had a feeding tube placed that should also have been his decision about getting and keeping. I would imagine there were times in this decision-making process when doctors said that the prognosis was very poor and yet she just kept hoping things would get better (when they didn't). Many families fall into this. It's up to you whether you think it's ethical to keep someone in his state of being alive.

[@angeladomer4813]

Agreed.

[@donnaashley3411]

I get what she said. My husband was in a similar situation and someone asked me how I was. I work in the medical field. I’d go to work and do medical stuff. I’d go home and do medical stuff. There wasn’t any shutting down!! When they asked me this, I didn’t know what to say. I stood there with a blank look on my face and couldn’t say anything. When I got home, I felt like an idiot. But I actually know what she’s talking about, but even when I was at 48 years old, he passed, and I still believed in sickness and in health. To this day, I can’t see anyone else. He was my world, and I’m thankful for him. ❤❤❤

[@ofthelight6932]

I agree❤❤❤

[@jaynewallace-bohannon6317]

After 25 years of my daughter having 3-10 seizures everyday, I know how she feels. I yelled at God one day as she seized on the floor, “Take her or heal her!” Two months later, the seizures stopped. I’m glad God chose to heal her.

[@RedLineShortFilms]

That's not how this works.

[@cathyhart3946]

@@RedLineShortFilms It can work that way, but there are no promises that it will. God is merciful though and will do what it takes.

[@mouthbreather280]

God isn’t responsible for the bad things we deal with in this world. He’s understanding though of the many struggles and ailments we face.

[@LAKatwoman]

Praise God

[@Thepetpedisock]

He hears our prayers. He also answers our prayers...whether we whisper or scream at Him. He understands.

[@lisadawley]

Her honesty is very raw and real. To take this public on social media, you know she must be at her wit's end.

[@gilmercastro9849]

She just wants validation . Think about people that have disable kids . They dont think that way .

[@firelordplayz]

The way she speaks is very telling of her selfishness. Just a couple examples, i.e. "He knows MY kids" (instead of OUR kids), "I have an 8-year-old" (instead of WE have an 8-year-old), etc., there were many other examples.

[@angierennie9078]

@@firelordplayz I don’t think it’s fair to call her selfish. They have been HER kids for 5 years. She has been a single parent since the accident. Everything she has done has been to support, care, & provide for her family, husband included. I would call her selfless, & a very loving wife.

[@Jay-og4yb]

If this were the other way around the guy would be labeled a demon but since it's a woman it's "I won't judge, every situation is different"

[@schoolofdank5736]

@@firelordplayzWomen need to respect their men to truly love them. How can she truly someone she no longer respects or can converse with on any level. Truly unfortunate on all levels

[@ronsmith2241]

I will not judge. Every situation is different. I hope you can work it all out. Every situation is different. But I cared for my wife with MS for 26 years. She wasn't able to stand or walk for the last 15 years. We were married for 51 years and she has since passed. The wedding vows "in sickness and in health" can be extremely difficult.

[@barbarakangas3255]

Maybe her limbs didn't work but you were able to have a conversation with her.

[@Yeat_]

That sounds 1000x better than what this woman has. Her husband is essentially a vegetable. There is nothing there.

[@maryanderson2759]

There’s a special place in heaven for you

[@th4305]

​@koreyb plenty people people with MS are not complete vegetables. Medications has helped slow progression

[@shirleyhardy891]

I'd rather have my husband half alive than anyone else. He's been gone 11 1/2 years and nobody could begin to fill my heart like he has since 1993.

[@scottmccoy4129]

Dr. John- this is one of the best responses I have ever heard you give on the show. You took your time and really thought about this one as you interviewed her, then you didn’t jump to conclusions. You gave her the right parameters to think about while she makes her own decision that she’ll have to live with. Well played, you have my respect…

[@CyrusZerbe]

“I have no control. I have no power. Please lead me into what comes next.” What a prayer.

[@darkhorse9472]

[@GaiaMiranda]

And yet it's the perfect prayer ANYTIME in our lives at ANY point.🙏💖

[@HUMAN-VERSION4]

Lame ass prayer

[@angrysloth]

My first girlfriend worked as a CNA in a facility for people that sustained brain injuries and I would sometimes go eat lunch with her/them. I remember once seeing a young kid my age who's wife and young kids were visiting him and he couldn't even recognize them. Almost every single one was there for a motorcycle accident, this guy included. I sold my bike within weeks and haven't ridden since.

[@leslie3566]

Trust me you made a smart move as a daughter whose dad passed away from a motorcycle accident.

[@coolwater55]

That's selfless... I know more than a few men who refuse to give up their bikes. My nephew had horrible bike accident, lucky to be alive. He recovered almost to normal. He promised his wife no more bikes, but bought another one.

[@justaguy9451]

Do you know whether or not they had helmets on??

[@coolwater55]

@@justaguy9451 Not sure who your replying to. Helmets on, yes.

[@angrysloth]

@@justaguy9451 mixed bag, several of the guys did, some didn’t. The guys who did probably wouldn’t be here today had they not.

[@susanodonnell9084]

I just read an article about a woman whose husband is in the same condition as the callers. She did divorce her husband but obtained guardianship. She has remarried but continues to care for her ex husband and her current husband supports her and helps too.

[@KinoTechUSA69]

The second husband decision is kinda heinous, not gonna lie.

[@ibdonsie]

I know someone who did that. His first wife developed severe mental illness. Had to be institutionalized.

[@sandyjuntunen4088]

Doesn't make it right. Basically she's got 2 husbands- at best.

[@christins.1481]

​@@sandyjuntunen4088It does if she was wanting sex. She wasn't going to cheat on him, so she divorced. This way she can gave sex without cheating and can still take care of him.

[@michellelaudet5363]

​@@christins.1481 In whose eyes? Her own. Because God said something different. And I live this myself. I am not judging, just saying.

[@natinatij]

Women are so amazing. Having 8 kids, taking care of her husband, getting her masters and learning to get a career for the first time in her life. And some idiots are on here judging her.

[@marshallheadchief8744]

No right answer and judging this woman is not right

[@tcbobb1613]

At least she waited until he got somewhat stable, not when he wasn't recovering at all

[@joannedixon1281]

She wanted advice, that is why she called.

[@mrenae6798]

I work as a hospice social worker(used to work in a long term care facility) and can understand where she’s coming from to an extent. I see faithful families coming in to visit their loved ones and I also see the patients that do not receive visits, but we’re aware that they have family nearby. The one thing I can say is that when it’s all over and our patients pass, I’ve never seen the faithful wife or spouse regret all the time they spent honoring their partner. They usually express relief mixed in with their grief because being a caregiver is HARD. But never regret for taking care of their loved one.

[@Sibbyym]

They don’t voice it but they do. Especially when it’s long term.

[@lepolhart3242]

I spent 20 years as a professional carer and looked after terminally ill and disabled patients. The amount of crap I`ve seen long suffering spouses go through looking after their dying or disabled partners is bad. It`s no disney movie and it`s easy to talk about it as if it`s a movie on the hallmark channel but I don`t blame people for divorcing disabled spouses as sometimes it`s too much and the disabled person can no longer perform the husband/wife duties expected of them, they require professional care.

[@AnOriginalYouTuber]

As someone who'd like to get married, I needed to hear this.

[@nicolab2075]

And maybe those who choose a different route don't regret their choice either.

[@user-if4ke6en9r]

@@lepolhart3242no one ever said that marriage was a Disney movie. That’s why you make vows. Till death do us part. “I can’t handle it, and you should be dead anyways, why should I keep my vows, dignity and loyalty?” Disgusting

[@jaysmith6013]

Just as I was thinking my life was hard…. Time to go say a prayer and be thankful for my health and the fact that all my family is happy and healthy and likely have not struggled with 1% of what this woman and family has gone through

[@TisHotMessHistory]

Amen to that!

[@Daniellapalo]

Same

[@donaldlee6760]

Agreed, in comparison to her struggles my life is a dream come true.

[@iammaximus614]

… Always Grateful every day ✝️🙌🏽

[@AH23323]

Amen 🙏🏼

[@davidpyle7901]

My 2nd wife and I were married for 18 years. She was ill in some form for our entire marriage. For the last 6 years she has incurable liver disease. I loved her and was totally dedicated to her and our daughter and loved her completely. Never a thought of doing any differently. I married her in sickness and in health and would do it again.

[@chicagosveryown1]

She should do what’s right for her and her family, if her plan is to remarry and stay in her disabled ex husbands life and care for him then what’s the problem? More power to her

[@BetheBe64]

John is a really good teacher. He doesn't tell her what she wants to hear and he doesn't judge her. He asks her to think it through and he goes there with her.

[@joannasmithtransformationa3138]

From my perspective, John's bias is evident despite his saying he couldn't express his deepest sense on this. Seems like he had a hard time keeping that to himself.

[@mariacompton1416]

This guy is really good..glad this popped up in my feed…awesome awesome advice..

[@stefanisolomon725]

I think his advice was based on what the lady shared with him regarding her strong faith and coming to terms with grieving outcomes - the ones which she has been trying to fight. I think.

[@simplykiki9411]

His comments seemed like judgment to me.

[@darlenealessio7609]

I think people dynamics are varied some stayed when they should have left long ago some have adult children and step children who are not weighing in. Many families continue to live on move forward no matter the stages leaving 1 no matter what it bears on them the responsibility UNFAIR DO NOT JUDGE

[@vincekissinger1047]

In 2011 at 48 years old I was poisoned by accident. That night I ended up a paraplegic in the first of three hospitals over the next several months. I also suffered amnesia forgetting people I had known since college. A very long story short, my wife couldnt handle my condition and eventually stopped coming to see me telling me one time that it was just too far to drive after a long days work. From Nov 2011 to Jan 2012 I had no one come to see me (including family, parents, two sisters, no friends, zero, no one). It took me 5 months to learn how to walk again but only after losing my 19 year marriage, my 23 year career and every dime I had in the bank just to recover. When I got back on my feet again I finally realized that you can only count on one person in this world - Yourself.

[@jo-p5]

Hoping you have loving people in your life now 🌺

[@Artcore103]

Wrong, you will let yourself down. You can count on Jesus though. And if you learn and take the risk to trust again, there are people you can count on too, but your ex wife simply wasn't one of them.

[@Artcore103]

Mormonism is false, and there is no marriage in heaven.

[@user-rx1ds2mw7x]

Heartbreaking.

[@jo-p5]

@@Artcore103 he may or may not be Christian, but we all know people who have prayed earnestly for years for help and comfort and it never came. This gentleman learned he had to count on himself. If he finds others he can count on along the way, that is a bonus but not a given.

[@tspfull]

She said "Just tell me what I want to hear, no one ever does." this poor lady. I can't imagine how hard it is to hold everyone and everything together.

[@JayWalker-tk2pr]

If i have that kind of an accident, dont try to save me. Say goodbye and ket me go. Put me down. I dont want to be alive like that and i don't want to be that kind of a burden.

[@sunnyd4734]

My uncle had a severe debilitating stroke in 1974 and could barely walk for the remainder of his life. My aunt quit her job at age 57 to care for her husband until he died in 1990. I will never forget the love ❤️ and care she had for her husband.

[@cathithomas2888]

Not everyone can quit their job to care for someone.

[@cathyl5888]

That’s definitely the right thing to do!, I commend your aunt for being the stand up human being and loving wife to her hubby! She took her vows seriously 💯 “for richer or poorer, in sickness and health til death do us past!” That’s true and undying love! ❤

[@azpersonal]

Barely Walk is different from her situation

[@vickieottley8392]

Your advice on this call was excellent. This lady is a Mormon. I recognize it from the terminology she used. She made a covenant to her husband, in the temple. Now that he’s injured and disabled and won’t die, she wants you to tell her it’s ok to divorce him. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for her and her family. You gave her the perfect advice to slow down and let God lead her. Well done.

[@kitbram2033]

And her accent.

[@DI-ub3uo]

Do mormons believe in reincarnation? I thought maybe she is buddhist or something. They also have temples and believe in reincarnation because she mentiones she'll be with him in the next lives

[@bioluminescent6205]

And her 8 kids

[@Dnttou0497]

@@bioluminescent6205 I was gonna say I knew it the moment she said 8 kids and that she’s been married since she was 19 lol

[@Magenta-ju6kq]

She was sealed in a temple 😢

[@emeraldgal1000]

'For better or worse' is a vow that shouldn't be taken lightly, at the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself..

[@MomDawg]

I am so sorry for this poor woman. I bet it would feel so terrible though, to be at his funeral and not be his wife.

[@JC-kq2mq]

I married my high-school sweetheart after dating 9 years, in 1987. We have four kids and she had a massive heart attack in 2008 and the second one four days into being at the hospital.She was only 46 years old and I fought with getting second and third opinions. I refused unplugging her from life support and Sharp Memorial was able to put an LVAD system to her heart. She was in coma for 2 months and after a 6-month stay at the hospital she was able to come home. I thought she was going to live forever since she had a machine but 6 years later she passed away in 2014 those were the best 6 years of my life has she left me with four beautiful children we had three boys and a girl

[@user-ew8fb5bs8g]

🧡💙❤️🩷🩵💜🤲🏽

[@kimyoung3484]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@SOI-wl2lo]

So much love to you, sir. Thank you for your vulnerability!

[@picardy7488]

Your story is sad but she sure hit the jackpot with you. If you can't be there for each other, what's the point of getting married after all. The legacy she left behind is your memory of your lives together and your four beautiful kids.

[@CatherineRozanski1963]

Respect to you as a commited partner & loving father 🌟💎💙 xXx

[@jennifermarie8707]

That sounds unbelievably hard. I wish the best for this woman

[@FreshFlamingo]

@Prince15549spoken like someone who’s never been through anything actually hard. Oh you think you have. But from that total lack of compassion and empathy, you really haven’t.

[@IHaveAGunForYou]

@@FreshFlamingofucking sob story, shut tf up

[@myme8208]

​@Prince15549 It's human to seek a partner that can lessen lives burdens. If she hadn't slept with him, she isn't cheating and had she not been loyal she would've not cared for him from the second he had that accident not waste 3 years of her life and still take care of his 8 children. Sounds about judgmental as one can be. Had I been in that situation I'd definitely would want my partner to move on. Visiting me should be enough, I don't want their life to be stuck just because my life is stuck too.

[@K_M.G]

​@@FreshFlamingoAs hard as cheating on her husband with HIS good friend while he is sick???

[@ecs1100]

@@K_M.Ghe is not sick - he is very disabled. Not the same thing at all. He is permanently brain damaged that requires A LOT of medical care that costs way more money than treating somebody with cancer/dementia

[@karri8998]

She can still stand by him and still move on personally at the same time. She can move on without divorce.

[@TASmith-ou3is]

That's my opinion as well!

[@mom2collegekids26]

A friend’s husband got FTD which is a severe dementia. He knew no one. Became very angry/violent. She had to put him in a facility. They did visit him, but she did move on . She didn’t divorce him, but once he died, she did remarry.

[@absolutelyridiculous6743]

This happened to my former friend's family. Her father, who was a sweet, jovial, faithful and family-oriented man became mean, cruel, and angry towards his wife/her mother. She tried for years to live with him and support him, but his abusive outbursts got so bad that she HAD to leave or she might have wound up de*d. She was a shell of herself after she left, but through faith regained herself. I have no idea what happened with the man. I think he has passed away, but am not entirely sure.

[@cindyd1042]

As a former ICU RN, it is so extremely hard taking care of a loved one who is completely dependent on you. Labor of love….painful place she is in. 💔

[@pam7002]

I feel so sorry for her. Mentally, her husband is gone. As a widow, I can relate to the horrible loneliness. I would not judge her regardless of her decision. Sometimes there are just no easy answers.

[@consumerdebtchitchat]

You said it so well Pam.

[@uscitizen3252]

I literally said the same thing. I won't judge her either way.

[@beinghonest9433]

@@uscitizen3252 because you are as evil as her

[@uscitizen3252]

@@beinghonest9433haha really original, fella. You sound bitter and angry.Who left you? I want to thank them. :)

[@beinghonest9433]

@@uscitizen3252 i hope karma hits you hard

[@terphands]

He always has the best way to say everything in the most honest yet not judgmental way. This is sound advice that doesn’t give her an “out” but makes her figure it out in a whole different way.

[@labrigful]

My dad has ALS. He cannot speak, he needs help using the bathroom, he has essentially started acting like a toddler with dementia symptoms, and all his food needs to be pureed. My mom is small (4'11") and its taken a toll in her. We help out as much as we can. She has no intention of divorcing him, but she is getting old too and she needs a lot of support. Illness is no joke, and i hooe she gets the support she needs, but she shouldnt abandon him.

[@Mindykays]

I have a husband that had a stroke 15 years ago he can’t speak well - can’t even say my kids names , he lives with pain every day and he even gets angry! But I have made covenants also and I stay with him! I find joy everyday through friendships with other women and from my kids and grandkids! I do a lot alone. Definitely not what I thought my life would be! But I do think about eternity and live for that! ❤I loved your advice to her.

[@amyp66]

This is how it should be. Life isn't easy but you're doing the right thing by your husband. He is truly blessed to have such a wife. Well done

[@L.Fontein7]

Yes, live for eternity. God will bless you for all that you're doing for your husband - your loyalty and devotion. Your crown in Heaven will be absolutely stunning! ✨👑✨. 😉

[@ModernMessiah]

Thank you for being a real woman

[@robertreynard2916]

Curious, how long have you been married to him? You say he had a stroke 15 years ago… how old were ‘your’ kids when you married him? It would be different if you had kids with him.

[@Mindykays]

@@robertreynard2916 I have now been married for 40 years and we have 5 kids my daughter was15 when he had his stroke she is our youngest

[@elizabethdumas4147]

As a former ICU nurse, I witnessed mutiple occasions where a long term caregiver died before the spouse. She has 8 kids who would be left to pick up the pieces! The stress of long term care giving can be horrendous. My sister did it for 10 years after her husband had a massive stroke. He could not communicate and had one complication after another. She ended up being diagnosed with cancer just before he passed but is still here. I'm not sure how divorce would alleviate anything. She does need a support group and a good therapist. Only people who have been in her shoes can truly understand. There are many out there.

[@whatevergoesforme5129]

Yep, it happens many times because caregiving for a long time takes a toll on the caregiver, especially when it is a family member. It happened to my old neighbor who took care of her now deceased sister and then her ill husband. Now, the ill husband has to be taken care of by their son after she died.

[@paigeawin]

@@whatevergoesforme5129 Well, that's the point of family and loved ones!!! Why are you complaining about it? If you won' take care of your own family members when they are sick and disabled, why do you think you have the right to force the world to take care of them?

[@whatevergoesforme5129]

@@paigeawin What are you talking about? I just told what happened to my neighbor. So what complaining about taking care of a sick or disabled family member are you talking about? It is what it is and if you can't accept a statement that is true, then you are dense. Caregiving for a long time takes a toll on the caregiver and that's the TRUTH and not a complaint. It is a reality that one has to face because so many times the patient outlives his/her caregiver whose health took a beating because of mental, emotional and physical stress that goes with the job. Nothing in my comment is about forcing the world to take care of a family member, you low IQ TROLL. I am Asian and we take care of our aging parents and don't send them to home for the aged. Forcing the world to take care of them? Where did the come from, you troll? What makes you think you have the right to preach to me when you obviously have very poor reading comprehension? Gosh, what an imbecile!

[@muma6559]

@@paigeawin He is being taken care of in a facility. Nothing wrong with that

[@tle8137]

Thank you for this message. I cannot and would not judge the unfortunate people who find themselves in these awful situations. Only they can sort it out and we wish them well in whatever decisions they make ❤❤❤

[@KalujaFlizck]

These are the type of issues all couples should discuss before they get married and they should renew the discussion periodically throughout their marriage.

[@valju-ei8wr]

My husband had a stroke I was there 2yrs before he passed it was hard as hell. You did all you could humanly possibly do .

[@aliciadawn8026]

My ex husband randomly told me “if you ever become disabled it wouldn’t be fair to me to stay with you …because I like to hike”. Every now and then “because I like to hike” pops into my head and I laugh my ass off. For better or worse isn’t a promise a lot of people won’t keep.

[@Dannyboyy86]

For better or worse unless it gets in the way of hiking 😅 very specific vowes

[@Portia620]

My ex left me when sick!!! Abandoned me and kids so I. Super picky who I put love too because I love my ex unconditionally. Dog should do that not humans unless it’s our kids! People will destroy you sick world and I hear semi talk about being old-fashioned. I haven’t seen too many men that are really old-fashioned yet still looking. I have to see the actions just because people say their old fashion. Don’t mean that they are. I need to see it.

[@Nicole-vo1rx]

Are you and your husband still together? If so, how were you able to get past that? ❤

[@GiveWithLove]

Wow that's disgusting.

[@Mad-genius]

At least he is your EX

[@kelsey7411]

She says she has 30 more years left in her….. her next breath is not even guaranteed to her. She is in a hard situation, but so is her husband. Very sad

[@edwardprete]

The same tragedy can happen to her or anyone. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one, so 30 years could be presumptuous.

[@AnitaSouthall]

My thoughts are what if she moved on and she got another situation like the current one occur with a new partner. Where do you draw the line? As a 3 x married woman I have no right to judge

[@lindagallagher2794]

You need to live your life! You have done an amazing job! Don’t feel guilty!

[@michaelcoletta4547]

Sounds like hubby is a de facto vegetable... in general I would tend to judge the wife's motivations harshly. BUT-- if she is being honest about how much she invested in his rehabilitation, the sacrifices she made ought to qualify her to move on for the sake of her own sanity. Again, this is presuming that this woman's timeline and details are in fact 100% truthful. There is always the chance she is playing up her struggles in an effort to get John's blessing to divorce the husband and get with his friend.

[@suzzylouloudougherty5237]

I was crying until she said she wanted to divorce him

[@karenproietti8696]

Oh Diane, I lived the same nightmare you are in. 6 years, then God called him home. I pray for your husband’s call home, too. TBI is so complex… ❤️

[@lyndi9719]

"I walk in and he smiles." That's huge. He recognizes his wife. He knows in that moment that his beloved has come to see him. He does not remember the next minute. A person who truly does not care, does not smile when his beloved walks into the room. The smile means he cares about something. He cares that she walked into the room. It is very difficult for any of us to put ourselves in the shoes of someone with a traumatic brain injury, however, what if this wife had the horrific accident? What if she remembered the first 20 years of her marriage to this man? What if she smiled when this man walked into her room? Does she want him to divorce her and move on with his life? I suspect her husband would know deep within himself that he had been abandoned. Moving on with your life means going forward with what you have right here, right now. I wonder if she's still is grieving deeply for what used to be and for what will never be restored? She needs to get through enough of that grief so that she can accept her current marriage in the state that it is in today. As others in the comment thread have pointed out, many other marriages have faced these very horrible things. And the faithfulness of the healthy spouse is a testament to genuine love and commitment.

[@francinesanchez5402]

She did say that she wouldn’t stop visiting him and nothing in his care would change.

[@hellybelle5]

I think it would be worse to visit if she takes a new husband with her😭

[@MarkovianMan]

I don't think anyone can really say what they'd do unless they were faced with this very sad, unfortunate situation. We can only *think* we know what we might do.

[@Kekoa552]

Yeah I have seen so many comments judge her clearly the woman exhausted There so many people who can’t fathom being with a disabled person on how much work that is it so exhausting

[@growngamer2121]

Important observation. I truly believe that I would stand by my wonderful wife whatever may come. I know, though, that you truly don't know until you have to face it down. I can't even imagine what that family has endured.

[@ozhunter6708]

Not true. Some of us follow through with our duties and commitments. Some people actually honor thier oaths and promises especially men

[@Kekoa552]

@@ozhunter6708 “especially men” even as a guy y’all make me so fking cringe because both women and men are capable of such things y’all some of those type of dude like to sht on women because you think you aren’t capable of the same bs that “some” women do

[@keifer7813]

Easy. Never get into a relationship. I'm willing to be single forever

[@SUZANNECARPENTER-ou3je]

My stepfather had a horrible accident at work. While in rehabilitation, he was diagnosed with a rare neuromuscular disease called Wilson's Disease. My mom stayed by his side and took care of him. He got accepted into a drug trial that worked. He recovered so much that helped life be so much better. It was never the same as before. We all accepted that the before life was gone and this was what it is now. Finally, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. None of us regret our last years with my stepfather. He and my mom loved each other so much. I look forward to being with him again in heaven.

[@sensimania]

Did Wilson's disease lead to the type of cancer that your step-dad was diagnosed with?

[@SUZANNECARPENTER-ou3je]

@sensimania Well, who could really know? Wilson's is a genetic disorder that 2 out of 4 children will have if both parents have the recessive gene. Their bodies are unable to digest copper. That copper or heavy metal builds up on the liver, brain, and eyes. It causes neuromuscular symptoms. This disease is very rare. Most neurologists will never see a patient with the disease in their career. I digress. I feel that he may have had cancer from being exposed to asbestos, but my mom didn't have an autopsy. He wanted to be cremated, and she didn't take time to think it through.

[@sensimania]

@@SUZANNECARPENTER-ou3je Wow, that sounds like s horrible experience 😔. Thank you for explaining, and sorry for your loss 💜

[@ellen_bui]

So sorry for the loss of Diana and her family. God bless everyone involved. Still want to say that this has to be the best answer I've heard John give anyone thus far. Very talented at his job.

[@darthsigil]

“In sickness and in health”… “until death do us part.”

[@G-inspire]

‘In sickness and in health…’ This is as huge a test of that vow as one can get. More grace, wisdom and strength to her for the ‘right decision’. Tough situation.

[@adspur]

Modern people and especially any women nowadays aren’t wired like that.They don’t fear God.They only want what want

[@GameChanger597]

He is not "sick," he is completely disabled physically and mentally. In all honesty, that is not a marriage. He's incapacitated and she is left as the babysitter and caretaker. They can't do anything together. Not raise a family together, not make decisions together, they can't even have conversations together or be intimate in any way- NOTHING. That's not a marriage. It sounds like she has already made her decision, and just wants someone to give her peace about it and clearly dr. John is not the right person to ask bc he is guilting her which I think is totally wrong.

[@emg.9246]

This standard is only forced on women. Most men statically leave their wives the moment she isn’t capable of doing her wifely duties

[@grreeeeee]

is a functionally dead person sick? only in this society would we ever do this to another human being. she is a functional widow.

[@dontworry1568]

youre clearly wrong here. she isn't being ridiculed for wanting to leave her husband. dont swear by a book then act like it doesn't matter when she wants something different. women leave men on a regular basis as soon as she thinks she can do better than her current situation. its called monkey branching.@@emg.9246

[@danathomas7870]

My Uncle after being under anesthesia, developed Dementia. When my Aunt would go to see him he didn’t know who she was, but he would always tell her that he loved his wife and even though she came to see him he wasn’t going to cheat on his wife…. I think that was the best compliment he could still give her. Very cute….

[@256alexdt]

“for better or worse in sickness and health” is what she agreed sadly

[@HUMAN-VERSION4]

Exactly if you can't do the time.. don't do the crime 😅 don't pledge forever if it only means in the good times

[@sarahbenkovic7306]

Dr John, you gave so many good insights to this poor woman. I think you really shined light on the core issues. Praying for this woman and her family ❤

[@woodsandcreek7589]

I am a traumatic brain injury survivor, and I feel her pain because I saw how hard my recovery has been on everyone else( including myself) in my life.

[@Being_Joe]

It hard but ask them and I am sure taking care of you was worth it to them. I was a caretaker and though it was rough I would never trade it. Life is not fair and that is ok, we make the best of it.

[@Maddy-fb7jr]

Please don't think that way. There is only one of you and you're worth every bit of it!

[@ruthirwin8222]

My mum looked after my dad when he had a stroke and heart attack at 42, he died at 49 and she loved him all that time, a real example to me

[@KiltBill2]

Different patients have different needs.

[@Lonniepsangel]

Different caretakers have different needs.

[@joisagirlsname]

Yeah, but he was still your dad. Traumatic brain injury is so different from other health issues because the person you loved is gone. But their body remains.

[@KiltBill2]

@@joisagirlsname exactly. Once someone's mind has gone, you're not caring for them, you're caring for a stranger. Often without help or respite, as they become more distressed and even violent.

[@joisagirlsname]

@@KiltBill2 yeah. I've walked that final path with a loved one with terminal cancer more than once, also with alzheimers and with non-fatal traumatic brain injury and I'll say without a doubt the brain injury is harder. Cancer/terminal patients are still themselves, alzheimer patients will eventually pass but you still get precious, precious moments with THEM first, yet TBI is like having a loved one possessed by a stranger. Their face is the same, but the eyes are different and it feels so, so wrong and you can't even grieve properly. It is pure hell on earth. I would absolutely support this poor woman divorcing and continuing care as a loving ex-wife. No one is filling her tank and she's absolutely knackered.

[@Isaiah013]

She must’ve forgot the “in sickness and in health part”

[@mariamartin94]

The “friend” that swooped in knowing their situation is not to be trusted. She would regret it.

[@JnTmarie]

Interesting comment I guess there could be men using vulnerable women never really wanting a deep and caring relationship . Really awful to put a person through that. I’m so glad I’m married. We have each other through everything we are there for each other.

[@bl3524]

Supporting a friend in time of need does not necessarily mean he’s taking advantage of the situation…

[@mariamartin94]

@@bl3524 Nonsense!

[@amybrown1373]

John, I was right there 3.5 years ago as my husband passed 10/2/2020 after being by his side for his 7.5 "end of life" years as his caregiver. Those years were certainly the most difficult, lonely and depleating days of my/our lives. I will always hold them dear with deep gratitude, without one moment of regret, as they were the most precious, meaningful and transformational days of our lives together. Through grace, something beyond all convention happened and i know i would not trade even one of those days for the world. God bless, protect and provide for all caregivers and those that they have been chosen to care for.

[@ryankelly8077]

🥺 thank you for sharing that

[@lavengiggles]

Dr. John hit the nail on the head. He was kind to her, but to put it bluntly her husband's not dying fast enough and that's why she wants to divorce him. (How do you even divorce a person in such a state?) I agree with finding ways to rebuild your life socially without dishonoring the man you loved for decades on end and made vows to.

[@alisonf6478]

I bet her husband would want her to divorce and move on. I would absolutely if I was in his shoes. That’s unconditional love ❤

[@NotSoEntertaining.]

Men do it all the time 💁‍♀️. Apparently it’s pretty easy.

[@brentayers3132]

Logistically, you draw up papers, show his mental state, get an uncontested divorce. Sometimes you have to do terrible feeling things in life, but they need to be done, if for no other reason than your own mental health. As Dr John says, “Choose guilt over resentment every time.”

[@bodhisattva2348]

​@@alisonf6478no he wouldn't, when the shoe is on the other foot men move the goal post.

[@VanJR.]

@@alisonf6478 just because YOU would do it doesn't mean her husband would or has thought about that. Let's not beat around the bush, she wants out and she can't handle it anymore. So to make herself feel better, she wants to divorce him because he didn't die "fast enough" and because she believes she'll still be "married" to him according to her flimsy Mormon belief about eternal marriage

[@paigeburns4362]

Marriage is a promise, a commitment, and a covenent. I pray that this woman finds peace in whatever choice she makes.

[@user-wo9lu7br9q]

I’ve now listened to this episode three times. I think Deloney does exactly what his profession demands of him: he refuses to provide a convenient shortcut - which is so expected in today’s society - and he refocuses this woman to consider her ethics in light of her marriage vows. He has gently guided her into thinking about whether in her religion, baed on her vows, whether she gets an easy out. And what a tough decision to grapple with.

[@patsyts4331]

“It has to do with you saying through sickness and through health” Tough pill to swallow. I feel for her, also feel for her husband

[@RubyShelton-nf4mb]

It's a tough pill to swallow because it's clear that is how she thinks.

[@marynorth7988]

In short...married going on 30yrs...Husband travelled the worlstill caringd ..then tells me he is leaving !! Before I could kick him to the kerb he had a massive heart attack ....he had nowhere to go..no family !!! Dilema ...as I wouldn't have another man gift wrapped in a lottery win ! I was crushed ... anyway said he could stay BUT NOT as a husband . Luckily the home is big enough to have our own space. Now after another major surgery still caring...! We are civil to each other and get along..reckon I've done the sickness and in health bit !! Hope he thinks his affair was worth it !!

[@teijaflink2226]

The thing is will she even survive this in sickness and health and at the same time be able to be their for their 8 children? I can't personally imagine anything harder than taking care of someone with severe brain injury, specially as it usually changes a person completely, he's not the man she married and never will be, there is probably nothing that could be called a marriage left. Even if his physical body is there he's pretty much mentally dead. This case is a hard dilemma, do you break your views if you divorce, is it okay to divorce. I personally think it's okay to divorce and I don't think she is breaking the vows as the marriage is dead anyway if she still stays in his life (I think it would be wrong if she just completely abandoned him) but sure depends how strict you are about this.

[@lindylou3519]

@@marynorth7988I feel once they have broken their vows, you don’t have to follow thru with yours.

[@Gemmarose9012]

@@teijaflink2226She doesn’t take care of him. A nursing home does. She just wants to get laid. Period.

[@gwm88]

As a husband and father, I can not think of a worse scenario. The thought of putting my family through this is one of my fears. I’ve always told my wife, that if I had no quality of life, I wouldn’t want to live like that. I would never blame my family for feeling this way. What a terrible situation.

[@eetoved1758]

❤

[@JustLIkerapunzel]

Exactly! People seem very judgemental but fail to see how horrible it reall is since he literally is on hospice and can't even hear and communicate properly, all while having kids of which he doesn't even recognize one. This is worse than dying and this caller did not sound like someone who wants to just leave but simply someone who needed to console to someone and have a moment where her feelings also mattered.

[@eetoved1758]

​@@JustLIkerapunzelamen. It's gotta be a nightmare.

[@fauxbro1983]

So if the wife puts on some weight you gonna bounce?

[@paigeawin]

@@JustLIkerapunzel It's easy to tell from your comment and others like yours, that you are 3Dimensional and nothing more. You can't understand life beyond your mortal, manmade prison. This caller "wife Diane" who claims to be religious, moral, WHATEVER label you want, used "prayers, thoughts, and well wishes" as a demand to God. When God didn't answer her prayers the way she demanded, she then tooke her begging back into her "own control." Except now, she is looking for justification and moral permission to be a despicable spouse, employing her "poor-me, don't worry about my husband, look back here at me, poor me" campaign. Weak person she is. We ALL have had just as horrible situations that tested us, and most people, like Diane, fail. Sad that that is the majority of humanity.

[@brooklynzoo81]

It makes you think if he hasn't died yet that he is fighting but unable to tell you.

[@noahdouglas702]

I do not judge this woman and neither should we. I can’t even imagine how difficult this would be. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I felt heartbroken. She is STRONG

[@accurategamer7085]

Must be hard being a decent person. I know right? Wonder what she would've thought if her husband was fine and wanted to leave if she got fat.

[@MiyaMam948]

@@accurategamer7085you can not like what’s being discussed without making the world’s worst comparison to insult the woman. Getting fat and losing your brain and will to live and short term memory are worlds apart

[@JmGmail]

Her justifications are too much. Be decent or be mean but accept your meanness. Don’t sugarcoat.

[@JmGmail]

Why not stay married, he is in hospice for years anyway. You can still be friends with the new friend. Just don’t cheat.

[@maggietang4536]

She’s like he’s still alive. She wants him gone so she doesn’t have to pay for him.

[@xhaltsalute]

She is being so honest. Thank you. So many people feel so guilty thinking things like this, but this is what they feel. We need to honor this. My heart goes out to her.

[@kingasif9265]

Lol 😂

[@bobbyglendinning2406]

Agreed. My heart goes out to her.

[@arielevenson3108]

Clearly vows means nothing nowadays for better or for worse sickness or health richer or poor …. What if you were the sick one..? And your spouse just up and left please don’t get married if you think like that just means you’ll leave when life gets hard

[@retrojay86]

My heart goes out to him 🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@trexxy9628]

@@seanking1775and statistically speaking, when the wife gets sick the man leaves because the poor thing can’t cope. Boo. Hoo.

[@k8jones121]

This was absolutely AMAZING. Dr. Delony. Your response was beautiful and right in line with our faith. My prayers are with this woman. No judgment, but, WOW! That was beautiful.

[@bobtan6744]

She is contemplating bailing on her husband.

[@kingofthejungle2894]

If you listen closely, there was judgement.

[@kingofthejungle2894]

@@bobtan6744 She literally said, that she will not stop taking care of her husband. That's the opposite of bailing. If I was in the state of the husband, it would break my heart to know that my spouse will never experience companionship or feel cherished for the rest of her life. Children can offer some comfort, but it's not the same and they grow up and leave eventually.

[@emmashuffle6457]

I feel like so many comments are demonizing this woman.. it’s obvious this woman loves her husband very much. And dealing with a situation where your loved one is sick or injured in a way that it is chronic and there is no way for further healing truly is a different kind of hell on earth. It dosnt mean that person loves them any less. But grief comes in so many forms and this man obviously dosnt have quality of life. It’s not that she dosnt love him or dosnt care. She actually loves him that much that she hopes he can pass on and not have to endure life this way. She loves him so much that she would rather lose him than keep him for herself while he’s living a life he wouldn’t want to endure. That’s real love. It’s just unfortunate that she has to make the call of “till death do us part” but most marriages end that way with someone having to make that call unfortunately. That’s what she means by “move on/move forward” It’s hard watching your love one suffer through life that way. If I had it my way my mother would still be here today but I had to let her go and that was the best thing for her and what she wanted and needed.

[@AmandaSoaresMusic]

Our health care system needs to stop keeping people alive at any cost. We think too little about quality of life and too much about avoiding death at any cost. We need to talk more about this subject as not to make people suffer and give patients better options when their quality of life is so poor.

[@Printknight528]

I know I would not want to live like that. If my lights are on but no one is home put a pillow over my face

[@PhyllisBoone-sn8oi]

Culturally, people have little understanding of what "do everything" spoken in a moment of crisis might actually mean. I understand the emotion. From my 30+ years working in the ICU environment, however, expectations for a whole recovery were not seen. As health care providers, we must do all we can to ensure that our patients and families receive transparent, fully informed consent for treatment from us. And we need to remember that patients and surrogate representatives make decisions according to what they believe are in the best interests of themselves or the incapacitated family member. I will admit to a great deal of moral distress in my own heart and mind when I saw and provided aggressive treatment that would most likely be futile in the end. It happens.

[@stefaniemedina14]

Right. I cannot imagine how much this is costing. I would not want to live like that. What a nightmare:(

[@PhyllisBoone-sn8oi]

I would like to note that "the health care system tries to keep people alive at any cost" is not entirely true. There is also the issue of patients and families wanting to have anything and everything done that can be done to preserve the life of the patient. That is generally appropriate. The problem is that sometimes "everything" becomes futile for the patient. Ethics require that health care providers sit down with patients and families to provide information about this kind of development. I think that you can appreciate the importance of this kind of intervention in these situations. Communication is so important! Sometimes patients and families will choose to continue futile care. Most often, alternative comfort care will be chosen-palliative or hospice care, and for some patients, withdrawal of life support. Sometimes, they will still want "everything" done. That's where it gets tough on those caring for the patient, because the treatments are difficult and uncomfortable for the patient. These kinds of situations are truly emotionally charged for patients and families. But please understand that at those times, we, as health care providers and staff, don't want to see suffering prolonged uneccessisarily either. We chose our professions out of a desire to provide care and comfort to those in distress, not add to it.

[@tobymichaels8171]

Keeping the patient alive "at all costs" is the business mantra of the medical-industrial complex. Chronically ill patients are the most profitable, and the industry has optimized itself to systematically turn healthy people into perpetual patients.

[@Yourfavoritedealer]

If this happened to me I’d want my wife to move on. I love her so much and she deserves to be happy.

[@claudiacanales2662]

It’s impossible to know whether you would really want her to move on if you were in that sutuation. This poor man has feelings. She can move on and still support him.

[@tamatebako_yt]

Right? I think this is the easiest answer. I never thought about it before, but now if I ever were to marry, I will have this talk. I will tell them if it ever came to that, to unhook me. To grieve me and to move on. No way I want a life of suffering and misery for my spouse. But it also ties in with my beliefs about euthanasia and what's a life worth living, so there's that. I don't want to exist in a way where I can't live anymore. That's madness.

[@andreamuse9015]

I totally agree!​@@tamatebako_yt

[@cindypatrick785]

Trust me after being full time caregiver for my daddy’s 7 yr journey w Alzheimer’s, and knowing that my grandmother had it and then my daddy and there is a good possibility I could inherit it, I would give my now 74 yr old disabled husband permission to place me in an Alzheimer’s unit rather than destroy what little health he has left being caregiver for me. I hung in with my daddy until he ended up in the hospital w pneumonia and delirium took the rest of his memories away. Once he no longer knew where he was I admitted that I was exhausted mentally, physically & spiritually and I put him in an Alzheimer’s unit close by. I had all of 4 weeks to recover before my husbands chf & AFib put him in the hospital again. He came home w 30% heart function and wearing an external defibrillator until May. 5 days after I brought him home I tested positive for Covid. Barely recovered before my daddy died 3/17😭. So I can feel this woman’s loneliness 😔. We’ve hung on barely for 44 years and exist as roommates now. 11:19

[@globright9127]

She should love u enough to want to stay tho.

[@dudewhathappenedtomycountr9099]

We're all trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. The hand we're dealt changes constantly. We do the best we can, having no choice except to move forward. Hugs for all of us struggling with our own unique burdens.

[@tupelohoney622]

I'm 11 years into caring for our son. When he was 18 years old and a college freshman he was in an auto accident. He suffered a severe traumatic brain injury. He was in a coma for about nine month. He is now in a minimal state of consciousness with no ability to speak. We care for him in our home. I am exhausted.

[@judyhorstmann6332]

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I am a home care provider. Please take care of yourself. Accept all help that is offered. If no one offers, ask. Family, friends, neighbors and church members can help if you reach out. Find out what Medicaid will pay for. Look into respite care. Put together a caretaker schedule of people who you trust that can allow you to recharge your battery regularly. Sending peace and prayers. Take good care.

[@alanmccarthy4004]

I just want to give this lady a hug. My goodness I can't even comprehend how she's survived these last few years.

[@nancyclassen642]

These hugs can be insulting. Be careful.

[@JmGmail]

Huh? Many spouses care for invalid spouse’s for years for life. Why do Americans find that so surprising?

[@zenowens577]

“Are you teaching your children that marriage/love has boundaries” that’s a powerful question

[@freyaday6076]

Marriage and love should have boundaries. What about situations where one partner is being abused? Of course, there should be boundaries and someone shouldn’t be expected to endure violence as one example.

[@arikkajitendranath5596]

@@freyaday6076 yesss!

[@BassReeves600]

​@@freyaday6076separation and divorce are very different

[@Chris_RLM]

​@@freyaday6076 she wasn't getting beat. She lived off the man's work, he created a comfortable life for his family, years of hard work, she just started working when this happened. The thanks he gets for that time is a wife who is tired of being lonely and doesn't want to take care of him, like he has for her and the kids. That's a slap in the face after she asked for him to be saved, she thought it would go back to normal and it didn't, so she is tired now.

[@crisjr6478]

​@@Chris_RLMon fukn point

[@musiquefrique]

This situation is so horrendous. My heart to this family

[@AncientlightInsights]

Dr. Delony is a man of honor and sacred core values! Best Advice! 🙏🏼✨ “Through thick and thin, through health and sickness until death due us apart”

[@raynonabohrer5624]

My husband was handicapped and in a wheelchair. And I did not walk away. And i'm glad I did not walk away. Because I could not live with myself.

[@azpersonal]

That's different, her husband is almost brain-dead. He is not in that body

[@bosstime2010]

That’s great but her situation is much more dire than that.

[@ChristianPierce-fl4qx]

This is John Delony at his best. I love how he was honest without being overbearing, patient, honoring of her experience, empathetic, focusing on what he knows instead of wading in moral dilemmas, yet guiding her through her beliefs by being open about his own. I don't agree with him all the time, but I think this hard conversation is quite the gem.

[@GameChanger597]

Honestly I think this is him at his worst. His comment about "if this is a cosmic and eternal bond, then what's the rush?" What an absolutely nonsensical thing to say... I was shocked to hear him say something so absurd. She's been dealing with this non existent relationship for years and isn't getting any younger. THAT'S the rush! How dense can he be?? She wants to find happiness in a union where she can be physically and emotionally intimate with her spouse which is not hard to understand or grasp. It sounds like he's guilt-tripping her. I hope she doesn't take his awful advice because what she is experiencing is not a marriage- it's a caretaker and a patient. I'm not one to condone divorce but this is definitely a situation where it needs to happen

[@xreediculousx]

Some people truly believe "in sickness and in health" others do not.@@GameChanger597

[@eetoved1758]

​@@GameChanger597I think he was using a technique to see how she would react. So she could find out how she really felt in a moment of opposition. I've seen him use this technique a lot.

[@user-if4ke6en9r]

@@GameChanger597where in the Bible does it say to divorce your spouse when they no longer are convenient for you? Selfish, selfish, selfish.

[@emg.9246]

@@user-if4ke6en9r men do it all the time. But the moment a women thinks about she’s wrong and deserves to be punished. Smh. Statistically speaking most men leave their wives when she is sick.

[@scotteisenacher6726]

Hospice nurse here. Had a woman who had a hemorrhagic stroke at 29, with young kids. He stuck by here to the end. I have seen so many men who stand by their wives in sickness and health. I am so sick of the lie that women were slaves to these men. Boomers and younger have proven they are not there for their partners, only for their selfish ambitions.

[@melz6019]

Who else was in tears listening to her? I am so heartbroken for this family. Keeping them in my prayers.

[@emilydonleycpa]

She walks in and he smiles. He does still care. And what would she want him to do if it was the opposite situation?

[@AnyaEightySeven]

She said she would want him to find someone were situations reversed

[@leahwilliams9333]

I would want my husband to still visit but find someone else. My husband knows this. Lol

[@larrymcelroy1783]

I’m guessing he loved her more than life and wouldn’t dump her like a box of horse manure. Maybe I’m weird but this call gave me the creeps.

[@blueravenchick]

@@larrymcelroy1783 men usually leave women when they have to be a caregiver......

[@deztellez2571]

​@larrymcelroy1783 her husband is there but he's not there.. he has no current memory. What SO wouldn't want their lover to find someone else. She said she would still visit and take care of him.. I wouldn't want my love to live like that..

[@charliecampbell1232]

Big props to John here. Everyone in the studio workin' was probably so happy not to be in his chair that day. Talk about being on the spot. Definitely redefines anxiety...

[@sueblack5794]

That man who reached to her has shady, shady behavior. Then add on he is divorced and yes that should be factored in. Imagine talking to a friend's wife while your friend has serious injuries and trying to woo her. Diane about to get herself a man with those type of morals and values. John handle it very well and imagine if he gave his full thoughts, she would be told don't do it.

[@eetoved1758]

​@@sueblack5794it probably wasn't shady. It could have been, but it probably wasn't. There are some genuinely nice people out there who see a need and fill it. I'm so glad she had someone reach out.

[@thelmaerasmus7232]

Thank you Dr Delany!! What excellant counciling!! I was blessed just listening to this councelling!!

[@ziaddeselva1075]

"In sickness and in Health" Nothing else needs to said if the vows you made are held true.

[@joreyn7656]

John handled this delicately and well. This woman is in a terribly difficult situation but I think he had some very wise questions for consideration.

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

She’s in a difficult situation and that’s when the TRUE character surfaces.

[@aimeerebecca1]

@@gabrielamartiniuc6322are you feeling that her character is low because she wants to move on?

[@Melissaduns]

I think she should move on. I don't think she wants to "hook up" with someone. She just wants companionship. There is nothing wrong with this.

[@alandalemorris]

@@aimeerebecca1😊😊

[@sueblack5794]

If this was a man calling, he would be ripped to shreds if he wanted to divorce his sick wife.

[@chiya2006]

I was a friend of a guy for like over 20 years. His wife was really a good person who respected us in every way. She was doing everything right when We were going over , from cooking to welcoming, to making us feel at home. Unfortunately she had MS and progressed to the point that the last 2 years of her life she was on bed couldn’t move anymore. We visited her a lot and brought food with us there for her and children. Her husband went away apparently just to go look for another woman. He got re married outside the country while the wife was waiting to breath her last breath. Her health deteriorated and the doctors gave her a month to live. So his kids called him and he came back for a visit but never stayed the duration until the poor woman passes away. He left & within 2 weeks she passed away. We went for her funeral and a lot of their friends were in attendance of that funeral except for the husband of 35+ years having 4 kids in between. I felt so bad for that woman I regarded her as my sister. Make it short, the husband brought his new wife to the country and settled in the same house. I decided to end my friendship right there and haven’t seen the guy for over 2 years now. Last time his daughter had a baby shower so I took my wife and kids there to attend. My wife was convincing me to go to see him, but I refused. As they live in a different city, I decided to go to a coffee shop by myself and then waited in the car the entire day until the baby shower party was over. Every time I remember this, I tell myself, why human beings are so selfish, so cruel ???

[@caligirl8904]

How horrible! Hope karma got him good!

[@neri1924]

Amazing to see man hold other man accountable!

[@judigemini178]

At least people like you exist, but humans will never seize to amaze me with how much they suck. 🤷‍♀️

[@user-vh6bo6lt8b]

Imagine you needed a heart transplant to live and your husband says "Take mine, I want you to live." He says this because he loves his wife more than anything else and would rather die and her live. But if she says, "Okay. I love you but I need this!" Ironically she's turning around and saying to him, "I love myself so much I am would rather you die to save me." If she loved him the only response is "There is no way because I love you so much I would rather die than have you die to save me." In this story, of course he's saying "I would want you to divorce me and go find someone else." but if she truly loves him the only response here is "No way, I love you so much I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be with another man."

[@jasminromero6945]

of all the advice dr delony has given in his episodes, for me this one is find by far, the most profound.

[@shariwalker2964]

When I was 12 my mom had a debilitating stroke that handicapped her for the rest of her life. She lived at home and my younger brother and I were responsible for caring for her as well as the housework and cooking while my dad (at only 39) was doing his best to keep his job and care for her and us and my grandmother did everything she could do for us as well. Once my brother and I graduated high school we both immediately joined the military to get away from that environment. At that point my mom had gotten worse and ended up in a nursing home. After caring for my mom for all this time and being with her at the nursing home everyday he talked to my brother and I about how we would feel if he started dating again. Living in that environment with her we could understand just how lonely and heartbroken he was. While he did not divorce my mom, he met a lovely woman who was there to listen and basically they became best friends. A LOT of family and friends did not agree with this. The only ones who did were the ones who walked alongside him and experienced how difficult life was with a stroke victim who was mean and hurtful and not the same woman she was before the stroke. It’s easy to judge when you haven’t walked a mile in their shoes.

[@eetoved1758]

💔

[@cassandramiguel1163]

thanks for sharing, did your dad end up marrying another women later on? or did they stay together?

[@Trish-lamour]

Exactly. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[@amandavalentino3818]

Thank God for you kids

[@eleanorwalmsley635]

❤❤❤