Is the UK about to enter a nightmare?

Something a bit different from me today - Allister Heath at the Telegraph is a regular source of amusement and this was too good not to have fun with...
Sometimes things are genuinely impossible to parody!
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[@TheBeird]

I didn’t know Emperor Palpatine wrote for The Telegraph. Makes a lot of sense

[@jyvben1520]

Sunak aka darth vader in waiting is getting cut below the knees, no way to run ...

[@DoomNedwob]

Haha, you beat me to it 😂🤣😂

[@DissociatedWomenIncorporated]

…Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Thatcher, the milk snatcher?

[@TheBeird]

@@DissociatedWomenIncorporated It's a Shit legend, isn't it? As in, she's legendary for a bunch of Shits

[@capt.bart.roberts4975]

I thought it was more Fu Machu, channelling Joseph Goebbels?

[@iainawatson]

No! Not their ministerial cars! What have you done, Britain? What have you doooooooone?

[@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw]

It's a tragedy I tell you ! A tragedy !! Woe is me !! * No one will return their calls. * How can people live this down ??!!

[@1porter]

@@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw Some will become the butt of jokes!! Is nothing sacred??

[@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw]

😂🤣😅😆

[@hypsyzygy506]

​@@1porter I think every sperm is?

[@RobinoftheHod]

I’m crying 😂😂😂😂

[@vernonallen3370]

I get the impression that Allister Heath will be huddled up in the foetal position sucking his thumb,repeatedly saying “ Mummy please make the evil socialists go away “ for the next five years

[@FakeSchrodingersCat]

Today number 10 tomorrow the Means of Production. Onward leftie storm troopers. :) It's hilarious that they think Starmer is in any way a socialist.

[@SteveDorrans]

"Nanny" not mummy probably 😅

[@1981Marcus]

@@FakeSchrodingersCatThey think Davey is a socialist, Starmer has at least occasionally impersonated one.

[@tonyclewes8]

Nanny not Mummy please !

[@mxh5647]

He hopes its only five years. His nanny will be busy for a long time,, methinks.

[@johanngambolputty5351]

"If you vote me down now, I shall move down to Callifornia faster than you could possibly imagine" - a man with enough money to buy a death star

[@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw]

Mrs Murty Sunak or whatever her name is, might well have voted Labour. It wouldn't surprise me. I doubt she wants Rishi to be an MP again. They have a nice shiny new apartment in Santa Monica waiting.

[@JK-pe6ft]

It finally happened. The Tory press out-satirised satirists. Beautifully reading by Matt Green though: the tone was just right.

[@DissociatedWomenIncorporated]

This is why we don’t get new Chris Morris stuff, he barely sees a point in it anymore.

[@starmersbarber]

Matt needs to be careful though- he may be head-hunted by some right thing think tank!

[@1981Marcus]

The Long Johns used to just read Government policy with a straight face at the Establishment Club in the Sixties. They said it was funnier than anything they could come up with. And that was under relatively sane leadership compared to now.

[@lordvadertheleftie9703]

​@@DissociatedWomenIncorporated same with The Thick of It. Reality is now beyond satire

[@DissociatedWomenIncorporated]

@@lordvadertheleftie9703 _that’s_ what this country needs, the twelfth Doctor swearing at politicians!

[@ajwright5512]

Allister Heath: "Kwasi Kwarteng’s Budget is a moment in history that will radically transform Britain. With one move, Britain’s competitiveness, its investor friendliness and its attractiveness to top talent has been hugely amplified."

[@allmodcons2274]

😂😂😂If you don't laugh, you'd cry.

[@capt.bart.roberts4975]

How much did The Tufty Club pay him for that BJ. As in BJ at The Foriegn Ministery

[@cleebe823]

I wonder what justifies getting paid to make up such drivel.

[@brianwilkinson6891]

This bloke is clearly mental

[@starmersbarber]

@@allmodcons2274 I'm doing both at the same time. I'm mocking Heath and at the same time, I'm bristling with anger and rage towards him and his ilk. I'm getting to take the p**s big time for a while from tomorrow morning.

[@jamesgrover2005]

Conservatives threatening us with a good time.. again! Vote Palpatine 2024

[@kikidevine694]

Or Dalek

[@PaulIreland-od5fo]

Vote for the dark side

[@diekssus7194]

"Unless you're not in the UK in which case, happy thursday" ....Americans start getting angry....

[@kevintyerman1906]

Hey, in Australia it's already happy Friday!

[@josephjones1093]

@@kevintyerman1906 He is getting at the fact its independence day for americans lol

[@kevintyerman1906]

@@josephjones1093 Thanks, I should have picked up on that, but didn't.

[@col.hertford9855]

To them I say, “Happy Traitors Day, Ungrateful Colonists” Though best not talk to them much. They just gave their president the powers of a king.

[@bramharms72]

@@josephjones1093 Independence from what? From out-of-touch, unelected elite rulers with a lifetime appointment who think their word is law and who consider themselves above the law? In that case I have news for them.

[@1porter]

"They will lose their ministerial cars and advisors 😭😭😭"

[@lornaginetteharrison7168]

_"NOOOOO!!!"_ 😱🤣

[@speleokeir]

In Rees-Moggs' case by advisor do they mean he might lose this nanny? *sob* Never mind Jacob I've spotted an opening you'd be perfect for - The Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.😁

[@michaeltrenoweth9857]

The wine is chilling and I have popcorn ready to go. I hope it's as bad, or ideally, worse, for the Tories as the polls suggest 🤞

[@allmodcons2274]

Ditto 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@peterrenn6341]

plumping up the sofa, fridge full of things to nibble, Bingo card of comeuppance to hand. Tramp the dirt down, as Elvis Costello sang..

[@kopperbird6665]

Me too, This is like Christmas!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@PKWeaver74]

Likewise.... Prosecco on ice, snacks ready, day off work tomorrow booked. Ready to watch some Tory twats looking sullen in sports halls. Hoping LibDems can exceed expectations and beat the Tories.

[@johnsaunders1945]

Every conservative nightmare? Shorter NHS waiting lists, more taxes for the very wealthy and school roofs repaired?

[@sthp2484]

More taxes on the wealthy not allowed I am afraid smacks of Corbinism. Keep up with Sir Kiers consensus please. Can't anger the wealth creators don't you know. That would be anti semitic.

[@DissociatedWomenIncorporated]

LGBT people not being harassed for existing. Disabled people receiving a suitable amount of benefits. Asylum seekers actually having their cases heard. Poor people not feeling guilty and ashamed about their financial circumstances.

[@trytellingthetruth.2068]

Everyone's nightmare? Continued mass immigration, more taxes to pay PFI to repair those roofs, and an economy that will crash as it did in 2008.

[@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw]

@@johnsaunders1945 I know. It hardly bears thinking about. But here we must pause. It is a sad and serious time. Oy, stop sniggering at the back, there ! What will become of these newly unemployed and driverless Tory ministers, especially if nobody returns their calls ? They have one likely safe bet. Writing increasingly unhinged articles for the Daily Telegraph. That's bad news for Allister Heath. He may have Tory ex ministers gunning for his job. It's seriously 😐 sad. For Allister Heath.

[@Timlagor]

Those they are completely safe from with Starmer

[@georgeatkinson759]

Hey Telegraph...don't threaten us with a good time...

[@vonwux]

I couldn't bring myself to read the article. I think it's fair to say this is the best way to experience it.

[@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw]

Matt is brilliant at parody, but this will beat even him. It's simply beyond parody. Just reading the article is best.

[@Melissa.Garrett]

Matt makes every bit of Tory nonsense better.

[@piccalillipit9211]

*COME ON PEOPLE - THIS IS WHAT WE'RE VOTING FOR....!!!*

[@Alex-cw3rz]

Please vote tactically getting the lib Dems in 2nd place and we can totally change what the opposition agenda will be. Rather than oh won't someone think of the poor billionaires it will be what are you doing to reduce child poverty.

[@proffessorclueless]

A nightmare for the Tories = Heaven for everybody else. It's been 14 years of nightmare policies, lies, scandals etc.

[@piccalillipit9211]

*BEYOND FANTASTIC* I love the desperate fear in his words...

[@neiladam2832]

Just straight reading out Tory ranting. We have reached the logical conclusion of the Matt Green channel. Thanks for all your work mat! 😊👍

[@ian12262]

That's a hellscape? looks a bit like sunlit uplands to me.

[@kikidevine694]

There's a possibility of unicorns

[@stevehall6299]

​@@kikidevine694Sorry, refused entry due to lack of border vets.

[@sarahbarrett1247]

Oh no…..social equality….paying taxes… caring about the environment 😱

[@simongiles9749]

Greenpece analysed the manifestos of the main political parties and scored them out of 40 according to how good they were on environmental issues. Lib Dems didn't do too badly, around 30, Labour were pretty weak at around 20, but the Cons only got 5 out of 40.

[@sarahbarrett1247]

@@simongiles9749 apparently Daily Telegraph readers don’t think that the environment affects them. They don’t need clean air or water 🙄

[@SteveDorrans]

The serfs are revolting! THE SERFS ARE REVOLTING!! 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

[@garryferrington811]

Allistair Heath: "They certainly are!"

[@cardwitch91]

Imagine being terrified by a slightly more empathetic and person-focused government. The horror.

[@rhakeem66]

I am reminded of the Captain Scarlet opening; "This is the voice of the conservatives. We know you can hear us, left-wingers. We shall continue our campaign of terror and retaliation against the riffraff" 😂

[@owensims7491]

Dum dum, dum, dum-dum-dum-DUM!

[@rachelgrigg7189]

They are frightened of a thoughtful kinder society.

[@Carlin2810]

Under who?

[@Timlagor]

Not from Starmer they aren't

[@mrcaboosevg6089]

Not from Kier Starmer, the man defended Jimmy Saville

[@moonboy2022]

Psyop

[@1981Marcus]

@@mrcaboosevg6089"Defended" is simply a lie. And who was it who pushed through Savile's knighthood after being warned about him? Oh yes, St Margaret of Grantham.

[@brianferguson7840]

Stop the boats😂 Grow the economy😂😂Integrity 😂😂😂Transparency😂😂😂😂Professionalism😂😂😂😂😂Stop it Richy I'm wetting myself.

[@EthanKristopherHartley]

But Matt, don't you realise!? They'll be treated like they've been treating the rest of the country for nearly two centuries! That's not how it's supposed to work, is it? 😁

[@tennismanp15]

I burst into tears at the words “they will lose their ministerial cars”

[@andrewwoodgate3769]

The Telegraph parodies itself...

[@skorne7682]

Most Telegraph readers will have died of old age by the end of Starmers first term anyway.

[@BradleyKieser]

Brilliant. Let's hope that his prediction for the results comes true.

[@Traceva]

LOVE the way you say “Lib Dems” 😁😆😁😁 and “Left Wingers” 😁😁😁 😂I laughed so much it hurt!!! I wish we could nominate you for an Oscar You are My Hero Your delivery is DELICIOUS Love and EXTRA BIG HUGS

[@nrgspike]

Emperor Palpatine warning of comparative utopian future. Tis truly a new hope!

[@johntknight]

The Tory media really have lost their shit 🤣

[@byrnemeister2008]

Shark well and truly jumped!!

[@swanvictor887]

....its mostly in the rivers and coastline...

[@red.aries1444]

They should think about, just for a minute, why even with all their right wing propaganda, Labour might get a landslide win and diminish the Conservatives. But then they would go completely insane. Or in other words: You go to hell for all the bad things you did while you were alive. If the Conservatives now feel like beeing in hell on earth - they have caused this through their own actions. But with some luck they might only stay in purga-Tory ... let's hope for a very long time. 🙂

[@1981Marcus]

The Sun desperately endorsing Labour at the last moment so they can say "See? See? We still pick the winners! We're still relevant!" 😂

[@byrnemeister2008]

@@1981Marcus Headline tomorrow: It’s the Sun wot won it.

[@carolynwestwood6258]

🤣🤣🤣 Who needs to write comedy, when it's already done for you!

[@yeastov5470]

Dear God! The country might have to 🤢 might have to 🤢 follow the democratic will of the people!! 🤮🤮🤮

[@robertingle9845]

Does that mean with a proper Brexit too, or only if they choose something that the loony left love?

[@chriswalford4161]

Well, we could wish for PR?

[@grahambretman4010]

Tories were happy enough with the Lib Dems when it came to propping up Cameron's government

[@roderickmain9697]

Yes.... wife and I read it as well. Hilarious. When (self) parody is this strong, all you have to is read it. Cross between Palpatine and the Prime Dalek. Infernally good, Matt.

[@jimg9820]

The Horror! The Horror!😧

[@Alex-cw3rz]

The fact the government had an entire decade of low interest rate loans where they could have done huge investment in housing, technology, transport yet instead did nothing, is very depressing. Almost as much as how much money we lost, by not setting up a sovereign wealth fund like norway did with it's oil. Edit : saying Norway population is smaller is a revelation to nobody it is worth £1.15 tillion, it is nothing to dismiss. Let alone the fact it is our oil.

[@anpj2006]

That’s my version of heaven!

[@scooble]

Every accusation is an admission

[@derekr1113]

Sounds like Sunak's 'Tories have been totally annihilated and I'm off to California' concession speech

[@marksmith1824]

Forget P*rnhub, this vid on loop will keep me edging till the 10pm exit poll 😂

[@LongDarkTeatimeOfTheSoul]

Oh no!!! The terror… the horror… waking up after 14 years of it 😂😂😂😂😂

[@mup_pet]

What a lovely story.

[@darriendastar3941]

This was very, very good. I'm not sure Allister Heath deserves the work and creativity you've put in to making this, but if he's got the slightest shred of self-awareness, he should be incredibly complimented.

[@starmersbarber]

I totally agree.

[@carolynwestlake7670]

Bring it on - I’m getting my party frock out of the wardrobe right this minute.😂😂😂😂been a long time coming!! The election, not my party dress😂😂😂

[@lloroshastar6347]

The Daily Telegraph threatening me with a good time lol. I fail to see what, if anything, was so nightmarish about what they described.

[@allmodcons2274]

Nah, chuck. We are just waking up from a fourteen year-long nightmare. We are escaping Dante's rings of hell 🎉🎉🎉

[@capt.bart.roberts4975]

"Ed Davis ' rabble... " Trolled Richi rather well at Henley!

[@stevehall6299]

👍Subtly. Pythonesque.

[@g.m.2427]

"Oh, horror of horrors, they might treat us the way we treated them, oh the injustice of it"

[@jameslangridge8849]

We need to keep an archive of this video, to show to our children after the downfall of society, to show the kind of greed that will no doubt have caused it. Every opinion that isn't extremely selfish or greedy, is painted as "woke" or "leftist", as if those are bad things. It perfectly encapsulates the kind of thought process that has frozen our economic growth, destroyed all our public services, and literally killed people with covid in care homes, or who went on forever waiting lists for operations they never got. Nice reading, great backing music, 10/10 no notes ❤

[@BoulderingBear]

Never considered that plan. If Labour has such an overwhelming majority that they could 'request' a few dozen of the newer MPs to cross the floor/sidestep to the Libs and make them the OO.

[@philippepalmer2968]

I saw that article as well so I took it in to work this morning to read it out loud to the people in the office in a similar dramatic voice to your good self.At the end,at the back of the room one of my colleagues pipes up in a smooth suave Nick Ross style voice "Don't have nightmares, do sleep well",we all fell about laughing.

[@taranullius9221]

Congratulations UK! They're gone. They're finally gone. I'm happy for you. Love from Australia.

[@JohnSmith-bh4zx]

The Tories are the nightmare. Hopefully the country will wake up from the last 14 years of a nightmare on Friday morning.

[@NineWorldsFromDrew]

Telegraph columnists have never been so good at threatening us with a good time!

[@JohnAllenRoyce]

Great job, Matt! You gave me a bad moment when you said, "I realized it was actually almost too insane to parody" ... but you then skewered and drop-kicked it into the hilarity zone, it was wonderful to see!

[@simongiles9749]

Seems this Heath person is cut from the same cloth as those people that wrote the "Dear Boss" letters pretending to be Jack the Ripper back in the 1880s.

[@lloroshastar6347]

For some reason I'm reminded of the scene in Revenge of the Sith when Palpatine dissolves the Republic and declares himself Emperor.... I don't know why.

[@runklestiltskin_2407]

Stop threatening me with the a good time!

[@grahambretman4010]

Tories must be cacking themselves in case Labour investigate their dodgy deals of the past 14 years, I bet the paper shredder was working overtime

[@Hurc7495]

we've already lined up a night out tomorrow, we're calling it "rishi's leaving drinks" 🤣

[@AndriyValdensius-wi8gw]

Matt and other YT comedians, especially Larry and Paul and Nesrine Skinner tell me as much UK politics as I need to know. Much better and more informative than the BBC or the UK "press."

[@user-uk4ve5hg9l]

Excellent overtones of a Dalek

[@jimmaccauley]

Oh no! Stop threatening me with a good time!

[@SoFarSoGoodSoWhat14]

To be fair it takes a lot of talent to make Labour sound this badass

[@JohnBicknell]

I remember the Telegraph in the days before Margret Thatcher's premiership and during the early years of that administration. It was a newspaper in those days, not an overpriced Daily Star with a Court and Social column.

[@Apocalypz]

I adore how 'horror show' + Welshman + occasional daemon you've made him. This was hilarious!

[@gregoryrobinson324]

Loving the Davros/Palatine voice to highlight the tone!

[@enothewonderdog]

You can't parody someone who's written something so insane. That was very very funny. Thanks for that - made me laugh!

[@ncammann]

Satire is dead. Even comedians can't make anything so hysterical. Well done - torygraph, i needed a good larf.

[@eifionlewis7765]

Bravo Matt. Some of your best work yet. Has a really authentic feel to it.

[@vicarious7858]

Lib Dems as opposition? Don't threaten me with a good time!

[@disaffected_npc]

Gods I needed this. I feel like all of my excitement for a labour victory has bled out like a deflating balloon, but the potential that they don't even wind up being the opposition had never even occured to me. One can but hope!

[@NielsChristiansen101]

The soon-to-be increased irrelevance of the Torygraph 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 🙏🙏🙏

[@johnpritchard8946]

Oh Matt you're so right about how humorous this Telegraph article is OR maybe it's the way you read it! Superb absolutely Superb.

[@sulalee7413]

Omg! That sounded like the most terrifying movie script! 😱 It um won't happen though, will it, Matt? Matt? 😧

[@danmorrison740]

I read the same article first thing this morning and I literally laughed out loud. His desperation to get DT clicks is hysterical.

[@jimmcknight5998]

I'm getting some serious Palpatine vibes here. Nicely done.

[@lonediceman8143]

When I started reading this earlier after about 5 paragraphs I thought I’d been had and fallen for a parody. The fact that it is real is much funnier.

[@Metalmole]

Ministerial cars couldn't stop laughing 🤣. Yes here comes the evil empire if proof of the complete rabid madness of the telegraph here it is i wouldn't burn this crap i wouldn't waste a match 😂

[@AVhq11]

Oh god... I forgot about ministerial cars! Is there a way to change my vote? But, in all seriousness it sounds awful(ly good). Can't wait.

[@tathoiclassicalindianbollywood]

Petition: Matt Green to dramatically read every conservative mouthpiece's column describing the labour government.

[@tathoiclassicalindianbollywood]

the way my fingers stopped to give me a moment to appreciate the words "labour government"

[@WardyLion]

Heath clearly going the Fox News route.

[@kurremkarmerruk8718]

This article made my morning. I read it as it comes across: peevish sixth former. I want "not ridiculous" back as a British value!

[@claudiaconway6370]

I also found this article the funniest thing I've read in years. Satire is truly dead.

[@UpLateGeek]

Hilarious! Definitely got vibes of Emperor Palpatine in that reading, and it fit perfectly!

[@moorecomedy]

My favourite part was the way you said "Lib Dem" 😂

[@chrissouthgate4554]

You were right, this is the best way to present this stuff. Condemned with his own words.

[@t.robinson4774]

“Lib. Dems” as said by Golem! 😂 Perfect!

[@SimonSmith-yd6tt]

I must say that I played this a couple of times and I'm looking forward to Allister's nightmare

[@paulinereid5226]

BRILLIANT! The perfect satire! Terrifying to think there are actually awful people like Alistair Heath out there

[@TheMistressJodieMay]

You don't have to sell us a good time Alister! 😂 Matt, this could be your audition for the Emperor Palpatine spin off!

[@charitallman5742]

Fabulous! I love your stuff but I must say haven't laughed so much for ages! I didn't stop laughing from 4.29 to the end!

[@Timlagor]

I feel it should have been conveyed with an undertone of smug sadomasochistic glee.

[@jonsouth1545]

This would be my dream

[@SteveWhipp]

"Unimaginable Power!"

[@roberttownrow3606]

Haha! When he built it up as an apocalypse I was expecting him to foretell unimaginable economic ruin under Labour, including 1 in 2 reliant on food banks, the closure of the London Stock Exchange, and having to use our aircraft carriers to ship in emergency firewood for heating and food from international relief agencies . Instead it turned out Apocalypse simply meant no privileges for his Tory mates. Hilarious 😂. Well done, excellent writing by Alister Heath, and well performed by Matt 😊

[@Antipaxos_Nadja123]

1:22 'British politics is about to be turned into an infernal, soul-destroying hellscape' erm, mate, 'about to'?