It Hurts To Hurt Someone | Maryann Jacobi Gray | TEDxUCLA

Despite the best of intentions, it's likely that sooner or later we'll make a mistake and someone will get hurt, physically or emotionally. How do we resolve the guilt and shame? Maryann Jacobi Gray is a social psychologist, writer, and university administrator. She was assistant provost at UCLA until her retirement in 2017; she has also served as associate vice provost at the University of Southern California and a behavioral scientist at RAND. She created and maintains the website accidentalimpacts.org. Maryann received her Ph.D. in social ecology from the University of California, Irvine and her BA in psychology from Duke University. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@remmy100]

I hurt someone in such a way that I now see myself as a monster. Forgiving myself will be one of the hardest things I've ever done

[@priyankanithil9722]

Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Apologize and make peace with them when you feel ok. Hugs ❤️❤️

[@thembekabee6098]

It is so hard but it has to be done.Forgive yourself🌹

[@jolina1]

Same

[@vahotwa464]

@@priyankanithil9722 it’s hard.... it happened with me also and I can’t be forgiven, I also feel like a monster after hurting my own best friend... I feel so bad.. how can I do that to such a nice person... 💔

[@assassinscreed5604]

I did too😖💔, the guilt is killing me

[@fredphipps9452]

Worse than unintentionally, I've hurt people intentionally due to my feelings of utter hopelessness and despair.

[@juliannahikaru9912]

I'm sorry to hear that, I do hope you are better. You can apologize to them, and I'm sure some will still care for you and accept you. And if not, you can always find people who will :) Have a nice day ^^

[@hanadjf6430]

Me too:((

[@jolina1]

Same with me, just recently

[@BIGprotester]

@@jolina1 believe me do whatever u can do as fast as possible and at any cost to apologize properly

[@BIGprotester]

Check adhd test plz maybe this is the cause and ur life will change after u know

[@annaflore7098]

it hurts to hurt someone and I hurt someone.

[@MS-ns4ki]

Lou - you are a good reminder and it is painful bc there was love

[@sharonchan8502]

I hurt someone I really loved and I only realised how much I love him after losing him. I didn’t hurt him intentionally but it’s even worst than that cause I didn’t feel like I’m hurting him when I actually did. Sorry is never enough to express how wrong I was.

[@RaymondAtivie]

Same here

[@shloopea]

I can relate to this immensely. I hurt a very close friend of mine without even knowing it. Although what I did to him out of impulse, ignorance and/or negative influence from the wrong peers, I will not deny that I unknowingly caused my friend to suffer and I will have to live with it for as long as I'm still somehow breathing air. It truly hurts deeply knowing I caused so much suffering on someone who put a lot of trust in me.

[@parsa7436]

@@shloopea i relate with this so much. due to my own ignorance, selfishness i hurt my friend. today she called me she was crying. she said that she really loved me but i intentionally or unintentionally hurt her so bad. i didnt even realize i was hurting her that much. tbh i knew what i was doing and i still did it anyways. theres no way i can defend myself. hoping she finds better people in her life. And I hope youre doing okay. It really hurts hurting a friend who cared ab you

[@robynlaurain5835]

This situation was my situation…..and after 5 years we got back together. We were together for a year. And I hurt him again. I can say it was unintentional….(in my heart it was) but if I would have watched and seen with my brain…I would have known what I was doing. I allowed my own feelings to overtake my care for his feelings. Time and time again. If I’m honest I have no idea how to deal with myself. I wish I was one of those people that could be blissfully unaware of the world and the way things work. I’m not that. I can see. I’m not dealing well.

[@lynbabysusu]

I begun to self-doubt daily after that incident. I don’t see myself as a good person anymore after that. Everything I do feels like I am trying to make excuses to prove that I’m a good person. I’m guilty, and I am angry. I’m young and I have many aspirations as well as ambitions, but I don’t feel that I deserve to do well and be happy. I’m very tired, so very tired. Thanks for sharing your ordeal.

[@thegrizzlyartist5014]

The only part in the video that she said was wrong is that you have to forgive yourself. You may not be obligated, but it’s the best way to move on. Even God and the disciples forgave Paul even though he intentionally set out to murder Christians. Please find it within yourself to forgive. And most importantly take the correct steps to change and some people will see it and say he or she is really trying maybe we should forgive. But don’t change because you want people to forgive you. Do it because simply it’s the right thing to do for you and others

[@CookieKex]

Same here... I just shouldn't have written what I did. I shouldn't have blamed her for my own sadness. Shouldn't have tried to switch the guilt to her.

[@wesna213]

wow, you just described exactly to the last word my stage, last three months I´ve been this way..exactly..Today had again one of that bad day and realised, how tired I am of this what im going through...Bless you...you arent alone in it ...

[@ariellec3211]

me too.

[@drewtrulock333]

same.

[@MikeJackson690]

I truly, truly messed up and hurt someone I love around 2 years ago and am still paying the mental and physical price for it. At least the other person is now living a better life (I presume). I'm still rebuilding.

[@David-pj9gz]

Tell me what happened if it helps you open your hart! I am available.

[@israelromero6534]

@Mike Jackson Update please. Have things improved for you? I’m sorry for your anguish. I’m at 1.5 yrs of a breakup that was my own doing.

[@MikeJackson690]

@@israelromero6534 Well, I feel ok now. My confidence is finally returning and I value myself again. I made mistakes, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I lost someone along the way, am not where I want to be in life right now but I've learned the lessons and figured out what I want, which is the most important thing. But I'm 2.5 years down the line. I even went on a date on Friday. It went well but won't be seeing her again. That's progress. I really hope you can find a way forward as soon as possible. Don't rush it or try to replace that person carelessly, whatever you do. It's a cliché, but take things a day at a time. Eventually, you will feel ok 🙂

[@israelromero6534]

@@MikeJackson690 I’m genuinely happy for you my brother. I know I will be ok with time. I plan to be on my own for a while so that I don’t rush into anything prematurely. May you continue to make significant progress in your journey.

[@MikeJackson690]

@@israelromero6534 Take as much time as you need to and message me here if you need to vent what's on your mind any time. Wish you the best.

[@militsapavleva6559]

I was in my first serious relationship. It was great but it was obvious that we were both still young and didn't know ourselves so we hurt each other unintentionally. Even though i was also hurt i still can't shake this feeling of guilt for hurting him. It is the most painful thing i have experienced yet. Thank you for this talk. It made me feel less alone in this.

[@evicaf4e]

I agree. And even tho I hope that there is not alot people in this world with this feelings, because it does hurt so much.. I am glad I know I am not the only one, it feels like I am human again.

[@michellegirau8136]

​@@evicaf4e i feel this same way. I was in high school going marry my bf but he was leaving for the military and I got scared and cheated. I always felt bad because I always loved him deeply. The only time I have done this to the person I loved the most.

[@ClySaga]

Same. I want to break up with my 7 year long bf, whom I've been with since I was 17. I want to be free and can't live as far as I do from my family because of this relationship. However, I can't ever hurting someone as much as I might hurt him. I've been hurting myself instead of him in the time I've stayed with him though. This is such a dilemma I just can't choose

[@deathlyhallowyss]

Same I still don't know how I will forgive myself, especially when the other person literally just shouts at me and just shows how much I hurt her and how miserable she is all because of me. I'm tired of it

[@shinyyy9265]

Coming into the comments section I realized that most comment were by the person who accept that they are wrong... I feel so happy knowing that there are many people who accept their fault cause there are many people who will never accept that they are wrong and will never ask for forgiveness guys I'm proud of u all

[@bengaliotaku5122]

Thank you thank you

[@Mattjaxson]

I hurt someone I loved and it hurts the world over because I’ve come to the understanding of how much it hurt them. My eyes are open especially since I now know more about how strong moral injury can be.

[@graciejeanbaniyag02]

Me too

[@petaralilovic7300]

How did you overcome it?

[@rua1051]

I acted so foolishly and said some careless things to one of my closest friends. I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me.

[@iam_euphemia2150]

Samee. I've sent paragraphs apologising and he hasn't responded and I feel super guilty. I thought I was being helpful but I think I really hurt him with my words. I feel like I did a lot of damage and idk what else to do. He's in another country so I can't even go see him and apologize properly in person.

[@BrittanyLucy]

Just learned of Maryann's passing, April 2023, with shock and great sadness. She helped so many people, myself included, may she rest in peace.

[@bugeater2763]

she did such a beautiful thing with her time here. may she rest in peace

[@samanthak9078]

I just realized how much I hurt somebody and I'm not okay with doing so. I've been taking this person for granted without truly realizing it and I need to step back and look at why I reacted the way I did. Its not cool and I want to have compassion for myself throughout this without denigrating myself in the process.

[@alexislaura9487]

Lovev's life true love Never die I know a great and powerful healer that can get back your ex or crua without delay Just forever within 48hours he helped me too immediately

[@alexislaura9487]

+1=2=0=.4=8=0=.8=2=2=3=4.

[@alexislaura9487]

W.H. A.T.Z.A.P.P.l.m

[@khaledalaswad9734]

You did hurt that person because you're an as*hole. The selfishness you have is unbelievable! Even you just want compassion for yourself but not for the other person. Get yourself a therapist.

[@farahnaz2220]

Thank you for your kind words. I hope I will forgive myself one day.

[@wjjam4416]

We made our peace but I can’t get over how hurtful I’ve been, how monstrous and destructive I feel to myself and others. This person is precious and kind, was so safe for me and I met them with ignorance and fear and carelessness. Unintentional but out of my own lack of awareness, avoiding my own pain and grief and allowing myself to become a person I’m really not proud of. This mistake will weigh on me for a long time. I’ll come back to this talk for some time and reflect upon this video.

[@priyanshisoni5856]

I am humbled that the topic like this is discussed. It is giving relief in some sense but still hurting someone hurts and it feels like it will never be the same as it was before. Maybe the part of it will be always with me. Thank you for sharing.

[@svs4305]

I hurt a person I really loved I apologized, she said its ok But I lost that good friend of mine 😔

[@ritvik4670]

Me too

[@Walkwme100]

Same

[@riazshaikh1227]

Yes me too

[@ahirunz2440]

Me tooo. ;(

[@SECAl51lOl]

Me too

[@maryjoydatig303]

I unintentionally hurt my boyfriend emotionally now he left me.I wish I can forgive myself and someday when we meet I wish he could forgive me for what I’ve said.

[@user-on6yg8yc4e]

Related 😥

[@talk1425]

My previous boyfriend left me 1 month ago. I didn’t realize I was hurting him that much. I was supposed to be the one that lifted him up, and loved him. But I ended up holding him back. I don’t want him to forgive me, I don’t think he would forgive me, and I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I just wanted to be apart of his life, and he said that I got in the way.

[@perryh.5306]

@@talk1425 he said you got in the way of wanting to be in his life? Wtf is that? I'd LOVE that! I'd be like..." I'd want you to keep me only yours forever"!

[@MrFujin]

I hurt my girlfriend emotionally. I couldnt control my emotions and trauma and my anxiety. I became emotionally abusive and she stook with me after so many tries. But i hurt her more and more. Going back on my words whenever i got angry. She was the nicest person too me. Lovable and cheerful. I took her for granted and i gave her depression. I wasnt there for her like she was for me. I hurt her friends too. Said things i didnt mean. I let my anger take control. I apologized sincerely. Tried to make amends. I wasnt expecting forgiveness. But it still hurts. I changed but she is still hurt and depressed. Her friends that i considered brothers and sisters i abandoned and judged or became jealous. I hurt them all and no one wants to talk to me. I deserve it i did them wrong. I just hate myself. I became the monster i said i wouldnt. I promised myself i wouldnt be like my step father or my father. But i ended up doing that. And now im alone. I found God but. The damage has been done. I will forever have to live with the fact that i killed a future that we could have had. That i hurt a beautiful and gentle soul like that. Wether i meant it or not doesnt matter. I made the choice either way. I told them i still loved them even if they hated me. And i still do. It just hurts more because i will never see them grow old with their families. I will never see my beloved grow old and happy anymore. Parents. Please dont use mean words to your kids. They remember. They remember and it stays with them. And it affects generations. It truely is a curse and a cycle of abuse we must break. And if my gf and my freinds ever see this. Im sorry. You guys didnt deserve it. You were all wonderful too me. Thank you.

[@ish691]

Sometimes only thing u can do is to hide things within yourself. You know u did wrong and can't get away with it. It was really helpful.

[@thegrizzlyartist5014]

Nobody gets away with anything, eventually something comes one way or another.

[@kamyaarora1395]

There are days when you feel like you've forgiven yourself, but the next thing you know, you are feeling guilty about hurting someone and forgiving yourself for it.

[@backup6794]

Cant stop the feeling of guilt. My mom cried because of my words in anger and I never stop feeling guilty. I hope she forgive me in her heart

[@kritikawaldia6594]

You are just like me.... I have the same guilt.

[@AR-do2ob]

My mother made me cry every day my whole life and she feels no guilt

[@Jonalee424]

Same here, I wish, my mom would forgive me for what I have said... I have been trying so hard to correct myself but I can't help myself

[@inadrepook609]

I hurt my friend,I was being extremely possessive and obsessive over her that I scared her away ,I didn’t respect her boundaries and i didn’t pay attention to her mental health, I pressured and practically forced her to give me more attention and please me, she wasn’t able to act like herself and be honest so that she wouldn’t make me feel alone, I threatened her to end the relationship indirectly but soon after I regretted what I said, it was too late she broke it off and I lost her, It was unintentional but regardless I’ve caused her harm, forgive me A.

[@aishwaryakale2596]

Such a brave soul. Be at peace.❤

[@ShyamsMotivationalVideoTamil]

Very nicely explained 👍 When we hurt somebody, we tend to withdraw or pull away from other people. We don't want to make them uncomfortable. We might not feel deserving of support. We might feel hopeless about the prospects of finding support, and we might be concerned about some form of retaliation

[@annazonas]

i’m really thankful for this ted talk to exist, because nowhere else i have found a place, where they understand this pain i’m going through. not just once, i’ve hurt my most important person some more times because i couldn’t let go of him as well as i couldn’t be in a relationship with him. so i tried again and again to figure it out but failed and in the end i just see how he thinks of me as a player. even though i was being honest in every way, i was so confused that i emotionally confused him. now i can’t handle that feeling of guilt and shame. wish i could bring him some type of healing.

[@krystal9282]

This is what I went through too . I always wanted him to be in my life but couldn't bring myself to be in a relationship. It happened not just once but so many times and today I talked to his bff through my bff's insta Id(I am not on Instagram) and asked his friend how is he(the one I hurt) doing but he(friend) talked to me very rudely and this is the first time he talked to me like that and that itself told how much he(not friend) must be suffering and I cannot stop thinking about the pain I gave him. Though I was always honest , accepted my mistake and apologized so so so many times but knowing that he is suffering is unbearable, I cannot stop thinking about it and because of overthinking I am having headaches.

[@annazonas]

@@krystal9282 omg you’ve been almost in the same exact situation as me. that’s so ironic because after whenever i blamed myself for everything i’ve done, i asked myself what i‘d say to another person going through the same. and now i know: i don’t blame you at all because i completely understand the intentions you’ve had behind your actions. they seemed to be honest and pure so this doesn‘t make you a bad person. you just need to figure some stuff in life out as well as i do. you don’t have to blame yourself and when the other person is able to reflect this right, he won’t blame you forever as well.

[@krystal9282]

@@annazonas thank you so much for saying this especially that I am not a bad person because whenever I really started having thoughts that I just pretend to be a good person when I am not, it made me hate myself but now I won't. I hope he will not hate me and is mentally+emotionally happy right now.

[@jaz9189]

what im going through right now. i intentionally/unintentionally hurt my girlfriend a lot and i tried changing, i was getting better but she didnt see it. i feel so much guilt because i hurt her so much when all she wanted was to be loved and happy with me. i desperately wanted to be with her but i couldnt be in a relationship with her because i had my own problems i needed to fix and felt like i couldnt give her what she wanted. we were both our first love, now a month later after dumping me shes talking to someone she told me not to worry about. i just feel so much guilt because if i hadnt done what i did we still would have been together. she has such a pure heart and forgave me so much, i just cant seem to forgive myself. It hurts more because she does not want to be with me anymore even though it felt right being with her. i still hope that we will find eachother but i really doubt it.

[@CailinnNoT]

​@jaz9189 you are literally in the same position as my ex. And as someone in the position of you're girlfriend who is seeing someone else. It hurt me so much to tell my ex I'm seeing someone else. I really wanted us to work. And even tried to wait for him to grow but decided to be with someone who is loving me the way I want to be loved. So I told my ex I'm with someone else and he sent me a message of how hurt he was and I feel like a monster. I feel like I'm not making any right decision. It's not fair to my ex or my partner. I just don't know what to do

[@Nitronerd]

Tremendous talk. I now understand my withdrawal from family and friends over the years. Unintentionally hurting others. A simple, "I'm sorry", isn't enough. I have to: Accept responsibility. Have compassion on both the one I hurt and myself. Help others.

[@elizabethgilbert8210]

I wish I could go back in time, to the start of my graduation, to my school days, to my childhood, or even back to womb. (2021) ............................................................... I thought I knew who I was, now I don't know who I am, I don't know what have I become and I don't know what will I become. (23 October 2023)

[@raveenamurali]

I wish I was never born

[@misstigergtv8243]

@@raveenamurali me too

[@user-dr3pz4se4v]

But we're here now There's no going back We must look forward in the present inorder to move on It's ok to reminisce the past And to guess the future But not too much that it harms your way of living

[@perryh.5306]

Or ..Just find someone that will always be there for you for how you are! Someone that would not try to change you! Someone that will support you on everything....good and bad!

[@girlbossbrachiopod]

It was my first relationship. He was perfect and had never done a single thing wrong. But I had put my own self interest over the unconditional love he showed me, and I absolutely shattered him. His words have been echoing in my mind since he found out, and since that day I can hardly even look at myself. “I have been bullied, degraded by my own family, and been spit on by other people, but this is by far the worst thing someone has ever, EVER done to me. I can’t even stand to look at you right now.” Sometimes I think that, im the victimizer, I don’t deserve to feel this way, I dont get to be sad about it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Before he broke it off, even to the end, he was still looking out for me and wanting to make sure that I was going to be okay. I hope that in the end, he ends up being happy, because he deserves at least that, even if it’s not with me.

[@hanadjf6430]

I literally did the same few days ago and I couldn’t relate more to everything you just said… just know that you’re not alone in this and I still think that we still deserve to be happy

[@loraine1314]

You know, I'm in the same boat as you right. He is my first relationship. We fought because of a small matter. But I make it more bigger. I didn't notice that I'm too toxic when we fought. Right now this is the forth time we fought. And I realize. I always blame him. He makes, a way to fix our relationship. But He couldn't understand me. What are my intention to him up until he threatens me, just to change. And now, I realize that I do love him but why I hurt him and It hurt so much. I made an apology, saying that "I acknowledge what he feels, and I'm really sorry for blaming him all the time which is wrong, and for being a toxic girlfriend to him. Sending Virtual hugs." I really wanted to be with him until the end. May God bless our relationship.

[@mychapstick4441]

I’m going through the same thing as well. It hurts so badly to know that you’ve caused damage to someone who is so perfect and never deserved to feel pain. And for me I always feel horrible because I still so badly want to be with him even though I know I could never make him happy as I am now. Every selfish thought I hear in my head just kills me and reminds me of what I’ve done to him. I always think that I wish I could go back and do it all over again because then he would never have to feel this pain and we could have made it all work. But at the end of the day I have to realize that he will be happier and have a better chance at life without me. This is just speaking from my experience, but I am truly sorry that you are going through the same thing. It makes it so hard to ever want to be happy because you feel you don’t deserve it. I really hope you find peace and happiness in the future though and I hope the same for him.

[@sophiaviolette2229]

I cried reading this, it’s so nice knowing your not alone with how you feel. Our situations aren’t the same, my first ever serious relationship, loved him to death, still love him, and I fell out of attraction with him. I saw him as a best friend. And I knew I hurt him but I’m extremely hurt as well.

[@brookelawrence9124]

I am going through this right now. The thought of him lying on the floor, suffering alone through the long winter nights haunts me every day. He never deserved what I did, and I broke a truly beautiful person. He said the same thing your boyfriend did. He's told me many times that he wants me to be okay, too. I hope you've made progress since you posted this, and I hope in a year I can say that I have, too.

[@benjaminemmanuel1108]

I called off my wedding after realising I had rushed into decisions that I cannot live with. The lady is shattered beyond words, and I am completely lost. I went home for Christmas and found myself at the bitter end of people's judgement and ostracism. All that compounded my pain to almost unliveable limits. Please pray for me. I'm still in smithereens.

[@tagore161]

I hope you are feeling much better now. Remember, there is always a positive side to any situation. Atleast both of you have your health and life intact.

[@PearlsAndMorePearls]

Similar something here. Called off my marriage after 2.5 years after realizing some things. Give yourself credit for calling it off before the wedding. Prayers

[@PhreakGang]

Thank you I will stop making the horrible mistakes. My counselor couldn’t help but you did. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not a monster.

[@coffeefrog]

I’ve just had one of the worst days of my life. This helped me get through it. Thank you.

[@nicholestevens9025]

I hurt the person I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. He recently got married after less than a year after our breakup. It was a 14 year relationship I messed up. I remember that day like it was today. I've been doing a lot of work to grow and learn from this. I just have so much guilt and regret because I never said a word after I put, never got any closure. We shared mutual friends, I lost good friends and family. He's happy now. I'm trying to heal. Some days are good but the fact that I understand so many things now that I wish I learned or understood then. I don't feel worthy of love. I know I have to work on me. Take it one day at a time. I just want this part to be over, I can't forgive myself, but God willing one day..I can.

[@anonymous-cg4ot]

You know you hurt him. And I am sure you've repented for it multiple times. I am so happy for you. You are a gentle soul and deserve all the happiness in the world. God must be having some really nice plans for you. Wait for his blessing.

[@evicaf4e]

This must hurt a lot and I am sorry. How are you feeling today, since it has been a year, did anything change? Wish you all good.

[@nicholestevens9025]

@anonymous-cg4ot day by day, it's staying focused on God and knowing that in all things, it's for my growth and testimony for someone else. I'm grateful and thankful for all the work I've done. It's made me a better person. And Amen, God willing, in HIS perfect timing, I'll be in a better place emotionally and mentally.

[@nicholestevens9025]

@evicaf4e Thank you! Some days, it's hard, especially because of dome other th9ngs happening, but I find that support and compassion for myself this journey will be worth what is ahead. Like a 🦋 butterfly, transformation, and change. May God be with you. 🙏🏽

[@JenniferGaswint]

nicholestevens9025-Have you forgiven yourself? If so, how?

[@shadowkevin2626]

Infidelity, no matter how big or small, will affect multiple people. I hate myself and I don't expect to ever be forgiven by my friends and soulmate but this video moved me deeply. There is so much pain in this world but love always heals that wound. I'm still struggling like most of you all here but soon those flowers will grow.

[@mitalinath1068]

Hey how are you now

[@shadowkevin2626]

@@mitalinath1068 I'm good, now. I am living a more healthy lifestyle. I just bought a house and I'm expecting my partner to move in with me soon. She's taking a chance on me and I don't plan on taking it for granted. Hope you are well, too!

[@mitalinath1068]

@@shadowkevin2626 I am not well...still hurting myself for hurting my loved one...Will I be over able to forgive myself

[@shadowkevin2626]

@@mitalinath1068 that pain is normal. In a way, you may feel like you deserve it. I think you should really look into the root of your problems. Seek therapy. Talk to people wherever you can. Cry as much as you want. But instead of causing yourself more harm, seek to understand yourself. I'm rooting for you. Come back here in a year's time.

[@mitalinath1068]

@@shadowkevin2626 yeah it feels like how could I do such things..Feels like I deserve all the pain of the world. Don't know where I am going

[@lorenzoaltonaga]

I hurt a friend as well a good friend that i began to open up to. Now im at a point many of my own friends shame my action and see me as a freak. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I wish i could say its because of my mental disabilities but it doesnt feel right to use that as an excuse. I am told to focus on being better but the thing is i have always been trying to do that. Trying to be better and still making mistakes feels so discouraging. I fear that i will never change, and i fear committing the same or similar mistakes and it bothers me so much. Only time will tell if can overcome this challenge. Thank you for talk.

[@ThatBoySonder]

I've hurt a lot of people myself (IRL and online) and I find it difficult to forgive for that. I'm constantly scared that all along, I've been a bad person. And I don't think I ever will forgive myself. These were people who didn't deserve it.

[@funfings842]

hey, just wanted to tell you that you are not a bad person. Yes, you may have DONE things which were bad, but that does not make you a bad person, at all. It makes you a human being who has made mistakes and who is LEARNING. Sometimes in your learning, you happen to do something that is wrong and really hurts someone. But that does NOT mean you are a bad person. Remember, you are actually still just a child. You've just been on the earth for more time. You've got so much ahead of you xx I believe in you

[@scoobydoobydoo6805]

@@funfings842 I know this wasn’t directed to me but thank you so much for taking the time to write this, it really helped and I appreciate it. Wishing u the best :)

[@funfings842]

@@scoobydoobydoo6805 wishing u the best too xx

[@vampmilf]

my mental health has caused me to unintentionally hurt the person i care about most... and i'm trying so hard to fix our relationship but they told me it was broken and i feel so hopeless. it's a long journey to fix myself and fix my mental health, and until that time i fear that they might have to leave for their better good. i completely understood this and i know it's for the best so that i don't hold them down anymore, but the thought of this has just furthered my hatred of myself...

[@Sweet_Southern_Pecan]

This was so powerful. I have had so much anger toward my husband because he wouldn't get fertility treatments with me, now years have passed. I realize he hurts too, as he is a very compassionate man.

[@johnnysantana5425]

Hurt a lot of people in my life, and now just realizing what I just done I have to take accountability of my actions, and it came from deep-rooted problems being brought up in toxic atmospheres growing up from a kid to a man now, I created this bubble of insecurities ways to deflect people trying to hurt me trying to help me only knew what I knew and it made me who I am today I hope this helps a lot of people, you don't want to spread negativity to people to your family to your kids it's an ongoing battle with yourself and you can't blame nobody but yourself

[@markputnam4491]

Thank you so much. As well as sharing your personal story. I to have hurt others in my life. Forgiving one's self and healing is a very long process. Compassion and community I hope will heal me.

[@omaewamoushinderuu]

I does hurt very much, but I think the pain or discomfort we may feel is a good thing. It reminds us that yes we are human and yes we do make mistakes. We are not perfect. But it is refreshing to really SEE that now, especially with everyone admitting and being genuine. I hope we all have a fulfilling journey of healing and can make the world better from this knowledge. Remember you are not alone in your journey. Ever.

[@Oatskii]

I’ve hurt people I’ve loved on many occasions. Many times on purpose. I wish that it never happened at all as I live with the constant burden of having to look myself in the eyes and pretend I don’t have these intrusive thoughts and memories. I feel incredibly fortunate that these people are still alive so that I can actually reach out to them in sincere humility once I finally can find my backbone again. I’m so sorry Kelsey, Sabrina, Lydia. I never should have involved you the way I did.

[@hereisayana8207]

Why do you think you hurt them on purpose

[@hanadjf6430]

After reading all these comments n watched this video , I feel less alone cause I deeply hurt someone I cared about and I knew they’d never forgive me ..m still suffering from it but that’s okay and I some way now I know m not alone in this thank you

[@GiveMeMyArm]

Over the last month I feel like I've unintentionally hurt 3 people I love and care a lot about on separate occssions. I don't know how much they blame me but I can't help but feel guilty. Speaking with them about it has helped. I think time will heal the rest. It's just scary how easy it is to hurt the ones you love the most. The universe is teaching me lessons, and the lesson seems to be: be careful. I'm a reckless person sometimes. Greater empathy, more thoughtfulness, better communication, and more caution would've prevented much of this.

[@Certified_Alien]

i searched for this TED talk today because today i finally admitted to all the lies I've told the girl i loved the most. I've finally admitted to every damn lie i told her and I'm finally letting her go away from my toxicity. It was hard to admit to it but never harder than what she's feeling right now. i hurt her so bad man, and it pains me, but i know that what i did was wrong and it's finally time to own up to it. i hope i get over her and become a better person.

[@brookelawrence9124]

Hey there, I know I'm just some random internet person but you had the strength to do what I couldn't and I wish I had. Even if it took time, you still let her find out from you and not someone else. That in itself takes immense strength, and I mean that. Time is on your side, and every day that passes brings you closer to feeling okay. You will make it, and you will be better.

[@Certified_Alien]

@@brookelawrence9124 thank you so much for sparing a few minutes of your time to reply. Your words really made it better than before, but, honestly all i truly care about, is her getting better and forgetting the immense pain i put her through, even if it costs me my own happiness or peace, because it was unfair to her considering she has done nothing but support me. I miss her but the regret and the guilt are eating me alive at this point.

[@crystalsunshine]

When my son was just barely 5 he ran out into a cross walk (he was with his father going to the library) and was struck by a car driven by a younger man. Thankfully, my son only suffered a broken leg, and PTSD. The accident completely ruined my marriage though. His father never could forgive himself. My son is almost 18 now and will soon start to want to drive (maybe, he's never expressed an interest in driving and I'm sure that this accident is the cause of it) and I sometimes think about the young man that hit my son. I wish I could talk to him now and tell him that there was no permanent damage and that he should forgive himself. Honestly though, I don't think our minds work that way. Trauma isn't like paint that chips away. Still, I wish I could tell him that I never blamed him for the accident and my son grew up into a very sweet, very gentle, very forgiving young man.

[@thembekabee6098]

That could be such a huge relief to him.Hope he gets this message

[@kittypeanut4102]

This is such a sweet comment. The best wishes for you and your son.

[@crystalsunshine]

@@kittypeanut4102 thank you for reminding me of this comment kitty

[@shutchin343]

Really sorry to see this news. I was lucky enough to work with Maryann on this talk. One of the warmest, most giving, empathetic and genuine people I've met, thinking of Maryann, her family and loved ones.

[@G4MFR34K64]

she was such a powerful and genuine person, to care about the people deemed unworthy by their own guilt is so amazing. thanks for the work you both did 💜💞

[@nathanboholo2450]

I hurt a person that loved me despite all my flaws. At the beginning of our relationship through the middle of it I was not faithful to her as I should’ve been, back then I can admit I was selfish because I only cared about my personal desires & only saw how it would benefit it ( she never knew that )On top of that at the start of until the middle of our relationship I did not give her the love she deserved, I’d lose my temper early and would say hurtful things to her without meaning . Over time I had changed my ways and gotten a bit better. But recently she had found out about my past infidelity it completely broke her because she poured in so much into me and even tho by the time she found out I had changed she was so hurt broken that we ended things. I grew to love her so much but now I’m in so much regret wishing I was better from the start. Now she’s gone forever. I just pray she heals from the things I put her through & the age finds true happiness cuz she deserves it

[@elizabethgilbert8210]

I hope both of you will find peace ☮️.

[@ChrisYaw]

Fantastic presentation on a topic often overlooked. Love your presentation and website.

[@labs2612]

I have hurt someone who gave his/her whole life to me. Someone who loved me and cared for me and i did something bad and everything fall apart and now i feel like a monster who is living with grief and depression from few years. I have a really bad anxiety now and i keep losing focus because I feel like to die everyday thinking I'm a monster who doesn't deserve to be loved and saved. Now i cry everyday thinking I ruined a beautiful relationship with someone who once loved me. I don't think i would ever recover from this pain of hurting someone.

[@msconcreterose93]

I feel the exact same 💔

[@AB-gn8oh]

This is the first time I’ve heard anyone speak on the subject of accidentally hurting someone. My experience is very similar to Dr Gray’s. It’s been 38 years since an infant travelling in my vehicle was killed because I momentarily lost my bearings. I think about it all the time. I don’t want to live.

[@claudiagega6303]

It’s a process and you will learn to move forward with it. I know it may feel like you’ll never get better right now but the healing is painful however better days will always come. You have a life worth living for learn how to find peace within yourself but check the comments we’ve all hurt or people and millions around the world have unintentionally killed someone too you’re not alone so please carry on for us❤️

[@AB-gn8oh]

Thank you, @@claudiagega6303. 💐🙏🏼

[@evicaf4e]

L B I hope you are doing fine, wherever you are. Wish you all best.

[@AB-gn8oh]

@@evicaf4e, thank you.💐

[@iwantcrystals]

❤️

[@janneboman8573]

"we're only human and we need eachother" had me in tears at the end

[@meerarathode6096]

Thank you so much for this talk. ❤️

[@honeyx7879]

Thank you for making this!

[@cmbtnowid954]

thank you for sharing your story - AMAZING TO HEAR IT - SO NEEDED TO BE TALKED ABOUT

[@openyoureyes...]

You are such a brave and inspirational lady Maryann. I am very sorry you went through that, it must have been so painful for you. Thank you for sharing your lovely talk with us. ❤

[@23.27]

This is the best speech I’ve ever seen, wow.

[@and3311]

Really needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻

[@blacknbougie8021]

An important person in my life heard me say something I shouldn't have said. The guilt & shame is unbearable. I don't expect his forgiveness, I just want to heal from the sadness I feel. I really screwed up & our relationship is irreparable.

[@sailthemoon]

I hurt him because I was selfish. I felt entitled and I pushed his boundaries. He was my friend and my love who I took for granted. He was completely blind to the hurt I had caused him, even after we had broken up and just stayed friends. When he began to date somebody else, he pieced everything together with her help. I know that he’ll never forgive me, and that I can never get in contact with him again. Even if I could, my presence would dig those unpleasant memories back up and any apology would become useless. He is allowed to feel however he may feel, and it’s no longer my business to know. My earnest wish is for him to be happy, and for him to find the happiness that our relationship took away from him. I hope he recovers, because he is a beautiful person who deserves to live peacefully.

[@shade-e4836]

Thank you.. it was an experience to listen and connect to this .. thanks a lot

[@justinspykerman]

Thank you for sharing your story, I respect you, truly thank you.

[@kathyroman3326]

Thank you, I needed this today.

[@pasteenachristopher4854]

Three years ago, I got married because my parents pressured me. Even though I was in a relationship, my parents didn't approve, so I agreed to marry someone they chose. I hoped I could make it work and learn to love my spouse. But it didn't turn out that way. Instead of love and care, I felt like I was just a servant in the marriage. My husband didn't care about my happiness. I started thinking a lot about my ex, who had shown me real love. Within three months of getting married, my husband asked for a divorce, and my parents took me back home. When people asked, I blamed my husband, saying he wasn't good. Now, he's refusing to give me a divorce as revenge. I know I don't want to go back to him, but I feel guilty. I regret not standing up to my parents and marrying the person I truly loved. I messed up two lives, and it weighs heavily on me.

[@robertvondeusche6245]

What a beautiful video. Thank you for sharing something that took 20 years for you to come out and tell even the closest person to you.

[@goldenlifelove7251]

I betrayed my best friend & I know I can never tell her. I love her so much & hate myself for what I did. I have to repair myself & be a better person. I hate what I did, hate myself for it.

[@vahotwa464]

The same thing happened with me.....

[@MalinRickenlund]

Thank you for this video!!

[@bouillon4108]

how am i supposed to move from my past when everyone uses it to define me

[@kallagodglobals.e5813]

This was very informational

[@artcloud5306]

I hurt someone so much, the most sad thing is that it was on purpose. I can never ever forgive myself for that. I lost him forever now, at first I wanted this I wanted to keep him away from myself but now I see that I actually can't live without him I didn't only hurt him but I also hurt myself really bad I regret everything! I'm scared of him doing anything crazy to himself I don't know what to do...

[@israelromero6534]

I hope things improved for you. I also hurt my ex partner intentionally and it hurts almost 1.5 yrs later. 💔

[@nessysound]

I feel exactly the same… How do you feel now ?

[@raveenamurali]

@@nessysound it sucks to be in this place of regret and guilt and being swallowed by low self worthiness and feeling empty

[@shantisahgal9875]

It hurts hurting other...but watching them hurting or destroying themselves bcoz of ur fault hurts more 💔 and when u knw u can't do anything but only watch or wait to get things better or worse ..it hurts the most 💔😔

[@apurav03]

@@shantisahgal9875 Can't agree more

[@dmV2001.]

New Edition brought me here. God Bless this woman 🙏🏾

[@dangitzmeh9090]

I told my friend I hated her on a group chat. Everyone saw, everyone hates me and I have lost everything

[@HunnieBunnyetc.]

Thank you is not enough, but THANK YOU for sharing!

[@ifightbears7609]

Ive recently hurt the feelings of one my good friends and even after I apologized, the guilt doesn't go away and its hard to move on and forgive myself.

[@elizabethgilbert8210]

May you become free from your guilt soon, Peace ☮️.

[@vashistdevulapally1290]

I hurt someone so bad that they thought they were not worth it. I cannot stand the fact that I hurt someone so much who are so important to me. I don’t know what made me do that, I regret everything. I don’t what made me do that, I couldn’t see that they are hurting even though they were hurt in front of me. This pain is eating me alive I wish I had a chance to change everything. I could not see that pain even though it is in front of me. I m struggling with that pain

[@kanikagupta9347]

Brilliant talk and brilliant work by Maryann. You have turned your pain into wisdom, that can prevent so much suffering for the community. Thank you for your service.

[@Fallen-Champion_Cox]

Thank you

[@zeljkotunjic3971]

Thank you.

[@melissaoconnell5648]

Press replay to ♾️ to seek human, community connections and renewals. So deeply powerful humbling and inspiring.

[@shabbu7902]

I had everything. I had the perfect friends and someone new has just came into my life. Then something out of the blue happened, I did stuff I shouldn't have and I totally regret it. I hurted my best friends and I hurted her so much that she wants nothing to do with me. Although, it hurts to see that she forgived someone who made the same mistake as me. But I did lie about stuff and the other person didn't and that's true. I regret it and I wasn't thinking. I also lost that new person that came into my life because of the mistake I made. I am just a human being and I am not perfect. I am trying to heal and fix things. Nothing is working and I am to blame but no one is listening. All of them are hurt because of me. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever be loved and I won't ever be happy ever again. All I want is a second chance but I don't think there will be one.

[@RaymondAtivie]

I know exactly how you feel

[@annetteemond6050]

Thank you for striving to help others. You are a wonderful and deserving person. I posted your video of hope on FB in the hope that it would reach our former Governor General of Canada.

[@orbe5533]

...this spoke to me 😓😭

[@andu1811]

I was in a bad place mentally and I hurt someone very close to me and pushed her away from me. I hope she can forgive me.

[@joisuchai3794]

I'm still hurt.

[@k413n3]

Today I made an unintentional insensitive joke to one of my close friends. I made a proper apology and even invited them to a mini party I will be hosting online. Hopefully they forgive me.

[@carlosmoreira9957]

I was really angry at my ex gf and told her the most hurtful things you can say to someone out of anger by I never meant to say those things, she told her parents and friends all the things I said and they all hate me now. I was getting the worst anxiety and decided to blow up her phone to apologize I called her so many times to the point where she felt harassed and blocked me on everything then contacted the cops so I do not contact her anymore, this is the worst feeling because I lost the love of my life, it is affecting my life tremendously to the point that I feel my life is over, I have fallen into depression, I am only 28 years old, I have a great job but I feel i will never find someone like her and do not know what to do. I wish her and her family could give me at least the opportunity to apologize so I can stop living with this guilt and somewhat move on.

[@bryanperez5627]

Going through something similar.

[@Finding_youssef]

could you talk to one of her friends maybe ? maybe they will contact her and arrange sometime to meet or give her another phone call

[@Ferrys1220]

Have you had an opportunity yet to apologize?

[@hereisayana8207]

Can I ask what you said.... what do you think provoked you

[@danieljoesphlivelife6884]

How you going

[@lekirie]

I am not the one who hurt someone, but I want to hear what someone who did something bad, unintentionally or not feels whenever they are hurting someone.

[@jasonwilkerson9497]

Exactly. 🙏

[@infinitevibes007]

I hurt my soulmate, my best friend…

[@sophiakh9590]

❤️❤️ 😔 ❤️❤️ self-forgiveness and forgiveness of the other. ❤️❤️

[@lyssapeach33]

here to rant- i hurt such a beautiful person. she treated me better than anyone in my life ever has or could. she's absolutely perfect in every way. we met online and we found each other at low points and she done everything to bring me up. she tried to make me happy, and she did. but turns out she liked me and i said I liked her too. i really thought i did. she made me feel different and better and i thought she was so amazing. she'd been hurt so many times before and i didn't wanna be like those people that hurt her. i wanted to do anything to make her happy, just like she done for me. she recently told me she loved me, in a more than friendly way. and my heart broke a little cause i didn't feel the same. what ever feelings i had for her disappeared at some point and I'd do anything to get them back. i didn't tell her. i confessed i didn't even like her anymore and that i was too scared to tell her bc i didn't wanna hurt her. i didn't wanna be like the people in her past. and i don't think she'll ever forgive me, not that i blame her. she said she wishes she never met me. and that hurts more than anything. i don't know how I'll ever forgive myself.

[@user-jx1rs5my4u]

I'm going through this exact scenario and i feel more guilt

[@lyssapeach33]

@@user-jx1rs5my4u it’ll get better. It may seem impossible now but the guilt will eventually go away and you’ll finally feel as if you can breathe. Just remember that we all make mistakes. The only thing we can do is learn and become a better person from them.

[@marcshephard9358]

Bless her,,

[@SaltySparrow]

What about self-forgiveness?

[@snehajadhav8806]

I lived with that guilt... couldn't handle it , i apologized for my doing ... All he said was i don't feel anything anymore, thankyou cause i can never fall in love ... I asked him to vent out , he said who am I to say anything to you, i won't say a word... My punishment is living with this and being strangers with him

[@stilesxlacrosse2421]

I hurt my CRUSH and he asked to talk and started CRYING 😭 IM AN AWFUL PERSON... HE WONT TALK TO ME, HE BLOCKED ME, AND HES PROBABLY CRYING :( IM TERRIBLE

[@EthanBack-eh1zy]

The message is true. But keep in mind that we must hurt others (in turn, yourself) to achieve greater good for everyone.

[@beckyboy5484]

I unintentionally led someone on and for days (because this happened quite recently) I felt guilty of the outcome. I lied to myself and said that I liked that person but my gut kept telling me I was wrong. It dragged out for almost a month and yesterday I got yelled at by a friend of theirs. It made me feel worthless because the worst thing I got told was "I can see what they saw in (persons name) and in (persons name, but I don't know what they saw in you". It is terrible to see I hurt this person

[@dd-rm1dg]

I hurt the only person who loved me

[@reidsullivan671]

I cheated on someone that I love over a year and a half ago and it still kills me today. She never found out but I still hate that I did it.

[@ibraheemghulam]

“Hurting someone’s feelings is as easy as throwing a rock into the ocean, but you don’t know how deep the rock goes”

[@lolo-cz3yk]

Thanku mam

[@thomasrichardson5661]

I've hurt someone too. She was the first ever real relationship I've ever had, and I lost her and hurt her by not communicating. I really hope I can get her back, and make it right with her, and that I'm not too late.

[@ginamcdonald9762]

I feel that I spent all night crying you’re not alone

[@user-eq3gt4wo9m]

I hurt this adorable guy who liked me a lot and even after hurting him so much, he came back to me to patch up and still I said no until the time I realized my own mistakes and wanted to make up for it, wanted to make everything right but it was too late. He moved on. I miss him daily and hope for him to give me one more chance but he has moved on. I feel guilty, inadequate, and shameful.

[@laurenschwartz4580]

I relate to this. After I worked on myself in therapy, it became so clear what things I could have done differently in a past relationship. He had really let me down (we both had), but he gave me flowers on valentines day after I said I wanted to live separately and take space. I assumed he felt obligated to give them and it wasn't enough. We moved out and I was waiting for more effort from him before deciding to get back together but it never came. I didn't know how to communicate that I cared for him and ask for what I needed in a healthy way. He also didn't know how to communicate. So many don't. Can this be taught in school? I only knew how to say this isn't working goodbye and see if he fought for me. He moved on quickly. I didn't realize that there was another way than rejecting and seeing it they come back. That's hurtful and not the way. That was 9 years ago and I still have stinging regret and flashbacks and dreams. I wrote to him twice and he did not respond.