When Should A Stepmom Take A Step Back?

[@lindsaymorrow9079]

I have been working on disengaging for months now, and I’m finally getting to a place where it feels natural and comfortable and healthy. I’m definitely guilty of thinking of it like “not my problem” in the beginning, exactly how you put it (after years of struggle). This positive spin is exactly what I needed to hear.

[@miltongurl28]

I soooo need to disengage but I am a control freak (I’ll admit it! Lol!) and I really struggle to let things go. I have to live with these children, too so I do want a say, but I also didn’t sign up to parent my step kids full time. I want my life to be more than that. Also, when you were taking about it being all consuming I was nodding and nodding along! Yes!

[@lindy-leighkoster6473]

I feel ya! I come from a strict mother where there were rules (I am South African) and are married to a US woman. I feel like we have completely different parenting styles, the boys are almost 13 and still have to be reminded of almost everything. I get anxiety and it spoils my whole day when they cant do the basic things. I wish I knew more people in this situation so I could get more tips!!😊

[@lesliefarmer1364]

@@lindy-leighkoster6473 I totally agree. I don’t know how to handle my partner who doesn’t hold their child accountable for anything. If I don’t discipline it wouldn’t get done and I cannot concede to live with a child that has no rules.

[@aundreaconnolly1391]

This was so on point for me. I desperately need disengage. I am a control freak and i drive myself mentally insane trying to be a good step mom. I feel like no one understands the struggles of being a step mom especially when my step sons mom is constantly trying to compete with me and stir up drama. It’s draining and makes me question my relationship with my partner 😞

[@domelucia]

Thank you for this video! After being a stepmom of a 4 year old girl I am exhausted and definitely the worst version of myself. I decided to tell my boyfriend I need to take a step back. Unfortunately he has taken it the wrong way and thinking I do not care about them. It has been 3 days that he is not talking to me and it is breaking my heart. I have sent him your video to help him understand what I mean by disengaging.

[@Lemons19902010]

How are things going for you?

[@franziskaschlott3081]

How are you doing now?

[@alexwoods1013]

Great advice! I think I need to step back for now and be in the backseat. Our co parenting relationship is high conflict and its becoming way to stressful and consuming. Thank you for sharing.

[@ambervannortwick]

I often wonder if disengaging isn't always the best option. That perhaps it's best to just give you're perspective on each situation (to at least feel heard) and let your spouse handle it. Completely disengaging means you won't have a say in creating your own life.... in discipline... in appointments and schedules... in asserting your boundaries. Perhaps engaging just enough is what's needed to rebuild and prevent further damage. Afterall.... this is going to be a forever struggle. Nothing with change if nothing changes is what crosses my mind. Gah. It's hard.

[@tessthehighpriestess]

Hoky shnikes, it was year 6/7 that I HAD to choose to step-aside to create a healthier situation for myself and everyone involved. So far better and working for me and hubby, but highly misunderstood by all involved.

[@daughteroftheking2979]

I'm at b 6 years myself.

[@sunnyday3041]

I will just go to the bedroom, turn on the sound machine, and draw. This way I don’t have to hear everything that is going on in the house. I owe that sound machine my life LOL

[@RachelCharles789]

@@sunnyday3041 curious to know how you’re doing with it? I’m shoving myself in the bedroom almost always now. So stressed

[@sunnyday3041]

@@RachelCharles789 I had a talk with my husband first and told him that not being able to say what I want to the kids or have an opinion about discipline was hurting my relationship with them and him. I was constantly angry and had massive anxiety. So I just go into the bedroom when they come over and have “me” time. I watch tv or read a book or work out of my bedroom office. I come out once and awhile to say “hi” or have a short interaction, or dinner. This has worked so well!!! The kids don’t resent me and I have time to myself. Sometimes I even turn on a noise machine so I don’t hear what’s going on out there.

[@sunnyday3041]

I love your channel! I am 60 years old. About a year ago I got married to a wonderful guy that has two young children. My husband and I do not agree on how to raise the children. I believe as a parent you are a teacher, a mentor. He believes it’s all about the fun. He does not ever correct them or discipline them. This was very very frustrating to me. My husband has a servant mentality which means he does everything for them. I had to step back. When they come over I say hi, find out about their day, and then I go do my own thing. I have had to do this for my own sanity. The children and my husband resented my attempts for structure and responsibility.

[@cc99556]

At 60 years old, you should know better than to be trying to discipline someone else’s kids.

[@sunnyday3041]

@@cc99556 I believe you spelled “caring” wrong.

[@ashleymacosta]

As a future step mom, I really appreciate all the advice you give... Great work--thank you! 😊

[@jamiescrimgeour]

Thanks! Good for you for diving into all these resources from the start! You and your crew will be so much better for it!

[@teodora-psychology]

OMG you are going to regret becoming a stepmom it is the most depressing, life sucking, and disgusting time. I was a stepmom for 7 years and did more for the kid than anyone in their family. I never got a genuine thank you, just complaints and hatred. I never looked or felled worst after 7 months. Plus the mom and the in laws will add so much pressure.

[@achildofgod3707]

Your videos help me so much! I got married back in September of last year, my husband had a son. This year has been really hard. All the stress and troubles that come along with a different family. I love my husband and my son, but need all the tips and advice I can get. Will take any tips on how to deal and keep peace with the mother. It’s been very hard. I love and appreciate your heart to help us. Love your videos!

[@feliciajones6742]

Keep watching! Be glad his son is not a daughter!

[@dianneanderson4537]

Thanks for sharing your life with us all... you've been incredibly helpful! Would love to get your views on teenage girls and them asserting their dominance to the household as the other female... :)

[@emilychenault7695]

same!

[@quilarenee5604]

Omg same!

[@R77an11di]

Same!!

[@Tony2chris]

What if by disengaging it's worse? I'm the one that makes him get his school work done, room cleaned, chores done, etc. When I stop engaging in those things he doesn't get anything done and is worse with his attitude. It's hard to disengage when I have my own children to parent and there doing there part but the other child is not having to do anything. Both parents hardly ever make consinquences for his actions so he continues not developing into a responsible child. It's been getting worse and worse and now he's into his teens.....I don't know what to do

[@franziskaschlott3081]

I think your partner needs to be on board with you first, he needs to enforce those things and show his son that he cares too. Maybe it even gets better when dad is the one talking to him about it and he will like the attention he gets from his dad, he’s not with you or your family because he wanted to be parented by you. He’s there because of his father and maybe the later needs to be more present. Doing those things you did until now for your stepchild, is also showing that one is there and sees them

[@lindy-leighkoster6473]

Thank you! Ive been struggling with this… and I think disengaging is the way forward for me.

[@Cece29able]

I’m not a stepmom, but this is good advice for life stressors in general.

[@lissap1366]

Thank you so much for creating this community! I just read your blog mentioned in the video and it really resonated when you mentioned the grieving part and how you wanted it to be like a first family. I married a man with a son, two years ago. His son is 13 now. I envisioned us having family dinners and time together, but the reality is, my husband is worried about setting limits for his son regarding computer games and staying up until wee hours of the night, letting him do what he wants...I thought my opinion would matter, but he is afraid to loose his son and that his son might not want to come over any longer. It is definitely frustrating as I was hoping to have a “family” since I do not have kids. Unfortunately when I express my opinions, I’m told I’m not a mom and he knows what is best for his son...so like you mentioned, I’m learning to take a step back and let it be. Thank you for making me feel like I am not the only one out there who is dealing with stepmom struggles. Much appreciated!

[@ashleyhernandez9155]

Man, I needed this today.

[@amyh9748]

Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to hear today! 😔

[@jennifersmuin518]

My step kids also consume my life. We have a little one still at home that suffers from adult step children acting like children. I want to make everyone happy and I think I try way to hard.

[@majchrzak210643]

Is it bad that I just want to go on vacation alone every time the stepkid is over ? or just get a second place and live there when he comes over? I am just so over it already. The visits are too long and I don't feel comfortable in my own home every time he is here. I count down the days like in a prison cell I don't have the headspace to be dealing with child drama, discipline issues and all the extra stress. Not to mention I don't have a life when he is here. The entire schedule is just wrapped around the kid and my husband has that guilty father syndrome where he allows his kid to do anything, just spoils him and does everything for him and I'm just like a ghost in the background.

[@alishaturner4516]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I've dated my boyfriend for 7 years now who has a daughter from a previous marriage. At first I didn't have a problem with her coming over but overtime, I started minding due to A) the visits were too long and B) it's every weekend she comes over. I understand she wants to spend time with her dad but I felt like it was getting too evasive. I started resenting him and her but I felt like it was out of my character to be like that so I had to take a moment to do some reflecting and soul searching of what's happening. It turns out that it's rooting from not being heard/feelings being downplayed from my significant other. I do blame myself for not setting boundaries on the get go if he chooses not to listen to my concerns. So, nope...you're not the only one that feels that way. Ask yourself this, what is it that's bothering you about the step kid and is it within your control? If it's not within your control, then it's best to shift your focus on what you do have control over. What you have control over is your boundaries. You don't have to spend all day with the kid, just keep it short and sweet, no more than 1 hour would be a great start. Then afterwards, do your own thing. Go shopping, spend time with your friends or family members, or in your private room/studio in your home where no one is allowed to enter. Leave the parenting duties to your husband. Worry more about spending quality time with your husband and slowly getting to your stepchild. Most importantly, talk to your husband and be honest how you feel. Have a open and honest communication with him, and let him know that you feel more comfortable with keeping your time with stepchild short so you can be a better partner to him and develop a better relationship with your stepchild. Otherwise, he will get defensive if you don't throughly explain yourself. Also, explain to him that it's important that you and your stepchild take it slow on developing a bond with each other. Food for thought to consider: the reason your stepchild is acting out is because he's just as uncomfortable with your presence as he is. Don't forget to explain that part to your husband as well. He will appreciate your honest insight and looking out for his son. I highly recommend this book called The Stepfamily Handbook from Amazon Kindle. It's a wonderful step by step guide on how to deal with being in a blended family and gives you different perspectives of being a stepchild, stepparent and bio-parent. I have wished I've found that book when I was dating my boyfriend at the very beginning, it would've been a sanity saver. Now that I have the tools from this book, it was not only a sanity saver but it has saved my relationship with my boyfriend. Otherwise, I don't think my relationship with him would've lasted without it. Don't give up, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and most importantly, be sure you and your husband set aside time in your busy schedules to spend one on one as husband and wife, no kids day/night. Quality time with your spouse is essential in a marriage, otherwise it will not last long. Therefore, your husband has to find that balance between spending time his son and with you individually, otherwise it's leading you to feel resentful towards your stepchild and spouse. Definitely talk to him about it and check out the book I've recommended. It will save your sanity. Good luck and wish you both the best. (Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist, this is based on my personal experience in a blended family).

[@majchrzak210643]

@@alishaturner4516 Thank you for taking the time to provide me your great insight and advice. I really needed it. I do agree with you 💯. Ironically, I started growing resentment instead of growing more bond after all this time. There is just so much negativity building up inside of me. I desire for more time with my husband (travels, date nights and romance and peace) vs all these family times and kiddie things on weekends and every holiday. It gets too much and annoying. I am going to make boundaries and focus on myself this year . Will buy the book you recommended. I also started speaking up- wish I did this long ago. In the beginning of the relationship, I had my husband and the skid walk all over me dictating my life. I was afraid to speak up before and just pleased everyone. Afraid I won't be good enough for the relationship so I was stepping-up my game to be the best super woman for my husband and the kid..but eventually I burnt out. Let's all be real. I'm a very nice person but it's time for me to set up the boundaries and live the life I want . Maintain peace.

[@alishaturner4516]

@@majchrzak210643 My pleasure that I can help. I too was guilty of not speaking up and pleasing everybody. It got to the point where it was eating me alive and couldn't take it anymore. So, I just said screw it, I'm done with people pleasing. Started asserting my boundaries and over time things started becoming more peaceful in my life. Just to warn you, expect some unhappy campers when asserting your boundaries, but no matter what, stick with it. You will find your life more peaceful a few months down the road if you stay firm with your boundaries. Give the other things a go that I've also mentioned in the earlier post. It's not a quick fix nor it's going to change overnight but be consistent and patient. It'll pay off in the end and most importantly, be a team with your husband and find yourself again. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. Best regards, Alisha.

[@lipisteek]

Learning so much from you. Scared and excited on my own journey as a stepmom. Hopefully I can be as a cool stepmom like you!

[@jennifersmuin518]

I need to step back a lot.

[@Yoshi14300]

Same!

[@ckbrown3576]

Jamie, do you have a video on what to do if the step child lies to their mom about you?

[@kaylajacob6357]

I wish my son's stepmother was this way. I've never said anything about her relationship with my son. Have no issue with it. But she is so pushy and regardless of anything you say she is offended and then takes to facebook to tell everyone what a great person she is and how terrible i am. She kept trying to say my son was delayed even though his doctors say he is right where he needs to be. My response was If his doctor thinks he needs something then me and his father will make the decision, which got her to block me. And now she tells him he has 2 moms. and when i was like no we're not doing that to his father. And i was like no baby you have 1 mommy to my son, she posts saying its child abuse and that i am coaching and brain washing him. I've told her i appreciate what she does for him while he is there. Appreciate that he has someone to watch him while he is there. And that i was glad that she loved him. But now she is saying he is behind on mile stones and she teaches him everything and talks to him all day and gives him extra attention that he obviously isn't getting at home. he's only over there every other weekend. And trying to make me out as a bad mom while she is just so wonderful and doesn't understand why i would try to coach him to be disrespectful to his other parent (she's talking about herself). This is all over me saying no you have 1 mommy and telling his father that he has 1 mom and that there is a difference between mom and step mom. He has always called her by her name or her kids mommy. And she's trying to say he came up with it on his own...yet he didn't say it until he came back from there and he said SHE told him he had 2 mommy's. I get that stepmoms have a role in a childs life, and maybe i'm wrong but it doesn't seem like she wants to be a stepmom, inface she says she doesn't like the word step they are all her kids.. she's constantly pushing something whether it be speech therapy. Me and his father had discussed prek but didn't decide (because my son is 3 and has to have a delay or disability to go and he doesn't so i was thinking when he was 4 he could) and she started pushing that, and now acting as if he has developmental issues that ONLY she cares enough to work on. BUT SHE IS THE ONLY ONE that sees this imaginary problem. His father leaves him with her, so he doesn't know because he isn't around him enough so he just repeats everything she says. She tries to say she doesn't try to make him call her mommy. But she literally yelled it at him infront of me calling her self Mommy *her name*. She loves drama and when i disagree with what she wants she twists it and tells people that i don't appreciate what she does for my kid and that i don't want them to have a relationship. Which has never been said. seeing as you have advice for stepmoms do you have any for moms having to deal with people like this. His father lets her say and do what she wants. He just goes along with whatever she says and when you try to talk to him all he will say is that she is his wife. She actually told me i was over stepping telling him that some of her messages come off as overstepping. Because he was her husband. before she got offended she even told me we could discuss things and leave him out of it. I'm kinda at my wits end with it, I don't talk about her to my kid, I'm not going to do that to him....Just because she seems to have a problem with me. But it isn't like me and his father were in the best place. we talk when we need to about the child we have together. He doesn't ask anything about him or have anything to say unless she tells him. It's like he's checked out and she feels that she needs to have control over the custody agreement and anything and everything pertaining to My son. for me it's too much. I tried being friendly even though i found it strange how she tried acting like we were best friends. And I'm at a loss on how to deal with it. I've ignored it and ignored it...but it's getting harder to do. any advice? Sorry for the book.

[@homemakingministrieswithta6869]

I disengage every few years. When their bios start slacking and use me as a tool.

[@lrainique2]

I got married 2years ago to a guy with 2 kids. Last year, we relocated to another country with my own 2 kids. My husband is now torn between two worlds and can't go on with his life out of guilt towards his kids. I try and understand, but I don't know how to help him and he doesn't seem to want to help himself

[@GloriaTorres8888]

As I told you, I started to rent my art studio and when his son is here I try to spend as much time as possible there or travelling or with people because sometimes I felt like disengaging but when the boy is not here I get along very good with my partner.

[@Yoshi14300]

What to do when your in laws hate you and have your step daughter's mom's back?? Also that your step child tells your in laws everything even if you want to have just communication with her of apologizing for being impatient or our communication one on one time and somehow the mother in law sees it as bad?

[@rayng2759]

Can u help how i can encourage my lazy bump step kids to do housework

[@emilypaiz]

I’m about to be a stepmom to a 9 year old. I love my fiancées son, he has full custody of him. However, there was a situation that happened that made me actually to step back. Yet my fiancées family whenever there is an issue with the kid they turn to me. He was failing school last time and they turned to me. I helped him out and he passed the grade. They have turned to me when it comes to give h advise. The kids mom has a husband and three other kids and she’s really a case. Yet there are instances in which my fiancée and his family want me to play mom and other instances when they don’t acknowledge me and take the bio- moms side. It’s really complicated sometimes I feel like disengaging and sometimes I don’t because the bio- mom is not really someone a kid will look up to but my fiancées always says that she has a right as a mom. Yet they turn to me when it comes to correcting him in school and to advise him. I really don’t know what to do most of the times.

[@claudiasalcedo577]

Am a stepmom now for 7 years. And at first I would do all of that your doing which was fine but I was letting my feelings get in the way I wanted to be the mom because I would see how his mother didn't give a rat's about his education and his moral standards. But I was getting very stressed so what I learned to do is step back and just see him as a little person that needs help to develop into a responsible person. So when ever I can i give advice IF the circumstances allow it I commend him for the good things he does but I do let him know that wer have rules in our home and just like my daughter he has to respect them. I do tell him that he can get mad about things he doesn't like but no violence or yelling is allowed in these home. But my advice to you is ve there when they need you if you have the circumstances because at the end your conscience as a human being will be in peace and having and having that is priceless.

[@potomacable]

How do you disengage involving child support ?? My hubby pays $1800/mth for 2 kids ages 13 & 10. She has 80% and him 20% , we are heading to go back to court to change the time share as he just retired from the military. The Mom is always asking for money on top of what he pays. I fear he will give in more due to her possibly losing her home with the less child support w the new court order. I try not to get involved and he tells me he would only help depending on the severity of the situation and for her to sign a notary to pay it back. Am I as a stepmom doing too much ?? Do I need to take a step back ??

[@jamiescrimgeour]

Hey Angela - this is hard. I think that if it affects the financial situation in your family, you need to be involved in the conversation BUT again - if it's not productive and causing issues with your partner, it may be worth another approach. I always like to ask, "Is this worth the turmoil it's causing in my marriage"

[@potomacable]

@@jamiescrimgeour I have and I've backed off and tried to trust him, I don't trust her , your videos have helped me control my emotions and think rationally, so thank you for that. I mean child support is temporary

[@PalomaBravo-ev9kt]

I want to disengage beacuse I do my best and job at home but it's getting no where as a stepmom and affecting my relationship with my partner the little input i give does not resignate or it's whatever and I just don't want to deal with it anymore I want to focus on me especially when my partner shows favoritism please help 😢 , and I just found out I am pregnant but not sure that I want to have the baby because of all the tension in the household

[@reneepadilla3612]

You are too precious. They are blessed to have you. Ask God for guidance and he will do it. Prayers and good thoughts coming your way.

[@RoteOrchidee]

Hmm I think it's helpful to say "not my kids, not my problem". It gets lot of stress and responsibility off my back. I have to think this way because the biological mom is on an ego-trip and having the beste life while my husband and I are often with the kids.. i think it's unfair.

[@abby4027]

Could you do a video on explaining family dynamic?

[@jamiescrimgeour]

Hey Abby? What do you mean?

[@abby4027]

Jamie Scrimgeour oh you put a poll up a few weeks ago and one of the options was to do a video on explaining family dynamics to an ours baby but I didn’t win the poll

[@jamiescrimgeour]

@@abby4027 Oh gotcha! How we explain things to our "ours baby?" - yes for sure!

[@R77an11di]

How do you do this when you also have bio kids without making the step kids feel treated differently?

[@nomonde6832]

What do you do in a situation where the bio-mom has turned your husband's girl against you? I'm a stepmom to two kids and my husband's son likes me but his daughter is the opposite. Like after we got married she saw my ring and said "that's my mom's ring" and just how she doesn't even greet me,when we fetch them etc. She's just 8years old. Need help Jamie

[@nomonde6832]

Hi Jamie, guess what? After I left the above mentioned comment, a video you did 3 yrs ago on moms sabotaging your relationship with stepkids popped up 😊.I watched it and I felt like I'm heading in the right direction because all I keep telling myself whenever my husband's daughter acts like that is that I need to chin up and be the bigger person no matter what. Thank you for reminding me to keep doing me🤗💕. #gotmyanswer

[@Ashalee1912]

Going through this right now. She is 9 and her mom tells her she doesn't have to listen to me. Anytime I ask her to do anything she turns it into an argument. I'm so lost

[@nomonde6832]

Hi Ashee, I made a choice to disengage and take a step back from being so in control. All we want to do is be there for the kids as stepmoms and just be good. But guess what? All we get back is drama & it really becomes emotionally draining LIKE ALOT! I understand you also want to be involved, but sometimes you really need to pause and start taking care of you first! Otherwise all this will drive you insane. I was sooo involved with everything too and at the end it just made me hurt a lot. Now that I'm focused on my marriage and myself his kids keep on asking about me etc (especially the girl). Continue watching Jamie's videos, it will definitely help you 💐🤗.